Kevin Hart

[0] Hi, my name is Kevin Hart, and I feel extremely blessed about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[1] My God, I love that.

[2] I love that you would say that against your will.

[3] Well, he told me to repeat after him.

[4] That's what he said, so I just said what he said.

[5] Think the bell, brand new shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are going to be friends, are going to be friends.

[6] Hello there.

[7] Welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[8] podcast, Ponzi scheme, whatever you want to call it.

[9] We're having a really good time, joined here by my friends Matt Goreley, Sonam of Sessian.

[10] Hello.

[11] Hi, Conan.

[12] Good to see you all.

[13] This is an interesting episode, not just because we have an incredibly talented superstar guest on the show today.

[14] And by that, I mean myself.

[15] Ah, shabah, ooh.

[16] Ah, shabah, hey.

[17] No, Kevin Hart will be joining us.

[18] We'll get to him in just a bit and just, really, just perfection when it comes to comedic forces.

[19] But I need to talk first about something that's going to be happening in today's episode that's very different.

[20] Because today is the episode where we reveal whether or not you won a golden ticket.

[21] I wish I understood this better.

[22] So Matt Goreley, feel free to jump in and explain it to me. I teed it up last week.

[23] I was told to, you know when they put peanut butter on or, a horse's lips, and then it smacks away and they add, you know, human speaking.

[24] Yeah.

[25] And it looks like the horse is speaking.

[26] That's what they did to me last week with Golden Ticket.

[27] I didn't quite understand it.

[28] They put peanut butter on my lips, but I said it.

[29] And I do think it's a good idea.

[30] Some lucky people are going to get a chance to maybe have a virtual meeting with me. It might even be on the podcast.

[31] It's very exciting.

[32] But I don't understand how this works.

[33] Matt Gourley, can you explain the engineering of the Golden Tickets?

[34] Yes, you are Willy Wonka.

[35] You're just like Willy Wonka.

[36] And this podcast episode is just...

[37] A sad, lonely man. I didn't want to say it.

[38] Exploits laborers?

[39] Yes.

[40] No incredible health violations all over the place.

[41] Yeah, brutal to his employees.

[42] Brutal to his employees.

[43] Dirty rivers of chocolate and Nuget everywhere with animal hair and feces in them.

[44] Yeah, okay, go ahead.

[45] And so this podcast episode is like a Wonka Bar, meaning you'll get one.

[46] and one, two, three might have a golden ticket in it.

[47] And what that means is some individual people will hear an announcement that says they are a winner.

[48] Hint, listen to the ads.

[49] And then there are instructions in that announcement on how they can sign up to win to meet you.

[50] So people are, I assume they listen to the ads anyway.

[51] I always listen to the ads because I care about the American economy.

[52] People do listen to the ads in this because you often have such funny moments.

[53] Well, mine are wildly unprofessional.

[54] Yeah, we lose ads all the time.

[55] We hemorrhage advertisers.

[56] I know.

[57] We lose so many advertisers.

[58] We do.

[59] Because I refuse to say what I'm supposed to say to sell the product.

[60] And listen, I feel like that's my job.

[61] You know what I mean?

[62] I'm the bowl.

[63] This is the China shop.

[64] That's what's supposed to happen.

[65] But if you listen to the ads today, you'll hear me give one of or two of you or whatever.

[66] If you hear a message, how does that work?

[67] How does some of them hear it and some of them.

[68] Well, we're using something called dynamic insertion, which is usually used for advertising.

[69] And so, like, an client can buy 100 ,000 ads and it goes into 100 ,000 episodes.

[70] But we can set it for a super low number.

[71] And that way, only special listeners get that.

[72] You'll hear a little, like, horn fanfare if you're the winner.

[73] This just sounds dirty to me. It sounds like, it really does.

[74] I wanted this podcast to be pure.

[75] And now it's, we've got some dynamic insertion.

[76] Well, it can't be that dirty because it's advertised by State Farm.

[77] Oh, I love State Farm.

[78] Yeah.

[79] State Farm's great.

[80] They have a lot of agents.

[81] They've got a lot of agents.

[82] Yeah.

[83] No, no. It's amazing how many insurance agents State Farms has.

[84] And whatever number you think it is in the United States, way more than that.

[85] Whatever number you come up with, it's much, much more than that.

[86] God bless you, State Farm.

[87] You don't remember the number.

[88] 19 ,000.

[89] You said it 45 times.

[90] Okay, you just gave me two numbers to remember now.

[91] 45 and 19 ,000.

[92] This is the nicest you've ever been to a sponsor.

[93] Well, listen, I'm nice to them because what I always look for in any advertiser is how many people do you have in the field?

[94] I do.

[95] That's important to me. And it's the first question I ask.

[96] And so if Bert's Bees comes along and says, do you want to promote Bert's Bees, lip balm?

[97] go, hey, Bert's B's.

[98] How many agents you got in the field?

[99] And they go, agents, that's not really applicable to Bert B's lip balm.

[100] And they go, yeah, sounds like a lot of malarkey to me. What about State Farm?

[101] They have over 19 ,000 agents, which I would suggest at the risk of angering State Farm is too many.

[102] I think they've got agents selling other agents insurance.

[103] Like if you wreck a car, they send 20 people over.

[104] Yeah.

[105] If you get into a fender bender, 65 people are going to come running out and just swarm your car.

[106] And they'll all be state farm agents trying to help you.

[107] But anyway, yeah, dynamic insertion, robots, I've done my best to keep this thing pure.

[108] But evil forces like Adam Sacks, Matt Goorley, have conspired to insert robotics into my pure artistic form, robot masters.

[109] idea what it is.

[110] I still don't know what I'm talking about.

[111] To be honest, I don't either.

[112] Dynamic insertion.

[113] Yeah.

[114] Sounds like a robot got fresh with me. You know what I'm saying?

[115] Well, if you're lucky.

[116] Listen.

[117] What is wrong?

[118] I don't know.

[119] But you've got to listen to the whole, listen to all those ads kids.

[120] Yeah.

[121] Because one of you, or more of you, actually, a couple of you are going to hear a special and then you're going to hear, will it be a robot voice or my voice?

[122] It's your, you already recorded the announcement.

[123] No, I have no memory of this.

[124] You recorded it.

[125] I recorded it already.

[126] Oh, my God, what's happened to me?

[127] I don't know.

[128] I've just completely lost my mind.

[129] I have no memory of this.

[130] You really are like a horse with feet of butter.

[131] Who dressed me this morning?

[132] I don't even know who dressed me. The winner is going to get to come visit you in a nursing home.

[133] Yeah.

[134] The winner gets to feed me suit.

[135] Do I know you?

[136] Yes.

[137] Yes, Conan.

[138] I'm a big fan.

[139] I won through dynamic insertion.

[140] This soup is hot.

[141] Soup's too hot.

[142] Blow on it.

[143] Oh, my God.

[144] You should probably go now.

[145] Mr. O 'Brien needs his nap.

[146] But I won a contest.

[147] I did.

[148] I won a contest.

[149] Through dynamic insertion.

[150] You really have to go.

[151] You're upsetting him.

[152] Why is Mr. O 'Brien wearing a Napoleon hat?

[153] We liked him to think he's Napoleon.

[154] Makes him feel better.

[155] Time to go fight in the Battle of Waterloo.

[156] This soup is hot.

[157] Anyway, the point is listen to the show.

[158] I hope you win, and then you'll get to meet me and explain to me why you're meeting.

[159] Because I'll forget.

[160] No, I really do think this will be fun.

[161] So let's go for it.

[162] And yay, state farm.

[163] Okay, well, now that we've established that I'm suffering from rapid neurological decline, let's get to my guest today, an absolutely hilarious comedian and actor.

[164] God, you know him from everything.

[165] He's in everything and he's great and everything.

[166] Such movies as Ride Along, Jumanji, Welcome to the Jungle and Think Like a Man. His stand -up tours have sold out arenas around the world.

[167] Now he has an audiobook, The Decision, Available on Audible.

[168] Very excited he's with us today.

[169] A gentleman, an absolutely fine fellow, and hilarious.

[170] Kevin Hart, welcome.

[171] Kevin, you are just back from a workout and you're sweating.

[172] Yes.

[173] And what are you working out all the time for?

[174] You're an amazing shape and I find it irritating.

[175] It's all about the naked walk away in the bedroom.

[176] That's what it's about.

[177] It's about the naked walk away.

[178] My fear is walking away naked and hearing, oh, God.

[179] That's my fear.

[180] So I'm trying to keep everything intact.

[181] so that I never hear, oh, God.

[182] Well, let me tell you, as someone who hears that all the time, it's not that bad.

[183] You get used to it.

[184] After a while, it's okay.

[185] After a while, you just don't even hear it anymore.

[186] And my wife is very vocal about the fact that I look awful.

[187] I've got a sickly, flat, white ass with little freckles on it.

[188] And everything's messed up back there.

[189] I got a little tuft of orange hair at the very, in the small of my back.

[190] There you go.

[191] That I've never, ever trimmed.

[192] Yeah.

[193] And at this point, it's about eight inches long.

[194] There you go.

[195] Good for you.

[196] No, man. You know what?

[197] Honestly, man, I'm in love with just trying to give myself the best opportunity to be around for a long time.

[198] So everything that I can do to help that I'm going to do.

[199] And, you know, the things that I can't control, of course I can't.

[200] But I like eating healthy.

[201] I like working out.

[202] I like being active.

[203] I like the fact that I'm 41, I feel 30.

[204] Those are the things that are bonuses for me. Good for you.

[205] Thank you, man. I applaud you.

[206] I applaud you.

[207] I applaud what you're doing.

[208] Thank you, man. I am 57.

[209] People tell me like I look like a 74 -year -old woman.

[210] A Dutch woman.

[211] Yeah, there you go.

[212] There you go.

[213] Who tends to her flowers.

[214] And that's because they think that you have hair running down your back.

[215] But they don't know it's actually in the small of your back.

[216] They don't know what I do.

[217] I comb it forward now.

[218] It's gotten so long that I take my low back hair and I comb it forward.

[219] And it adds, I just saw, I think I just saw your trainer walk by.

[220] He just walked by.

[221] That better be your trainer.

[222] It's your trainer or your lover.

[223] I don't know who it was.

[224] It was my trainer.

[225] I could tell you that was my trainer.

[226] He has no respect for any work that I'm doing.

[227] You know, we're on quarantine together.

[228] So his whole thing is trying his best to be seen.

[229] I mean, it's really annoying.

[230] I call him a mammoth.

[231] a mammoth, a walking mammoth is what I call it.

[232] I can't believe he would have the nerve he must have known you're talking to the Conan O 'Brien on a podcast he probably shit himself when he heard that no I actually told him this morning he said I didn't give a shit I told him I said hey man you know I got Conan this morning he was like who the fuck is that and that's when I was like you know Conan he's like no I really don't and I went down all the things that you've done he still didn't know so you really went into detail about all the stuff did you show many photos yeah I showed him In the photo, I showed him the thing that we did for my movie promos.

[233] He was like, never seen it.

[234] And I was like, all right, whatever.

[235] Wow.

[236] Sounds like you were very thorough with him.

[237] Yeah.

[238] And he still has no clue.

[239] I made sure that I was, like, very, like, accurate with my description of you, what you've done, why you're successful, why you're a friend to me, why I'm a fan of you.

[240] He didn't, he didn't care.

[241] Didn't care.

[242] No, he didn't care.

[243] You put a lot of time into trying to explain to him.

[244] who I am and I appreciate that.

[245] Yeah, whatever.

[246] It is what it is.

[247] It is what it is.

[248] You know, look at you eating egg whites.

[249] You're eating egg whites right now as you talk to me, which I find both inspirational and disrespectful.

[250] What are you made?

[251] At the same time, that's hard to do.

[252] Why are you not like the yolk?

[253] There's nothing wrong with the yolk.

[254] You can have the yolk.

[255] I just told you I'm in love with a healthy lifestyle and you're questioning me about why I'm eating egg whites.

[256] It's because it's healthy.

[257] I don't want it, Conan.

[258] Don't tell me what to eat.

[259] I don't want the yolk.

[260] I don't want to eat the yolk.

[261] Eat it.

[262] Eat the yolk.

[263] I don't want the yolk.

[264] You'll eat the yolk.

[265] You know what I'm going to do?

[266] I'm going to send you 900 yolks.

[267] Okay.

[268] And I want you to eat one a day.

[269] That's ridiculous.

[270] I'm not eating the yolk.

[271] I don't want the yolk.

[272] I have spinach in my egg white with a hint of pepper and some avocado on the side.

[273] And to wash it down, I have a green juice that has some ginger and some lemon, conning pepper in it, which is good for my digestive system.

[274] These are things that I've learned over course of time.

[275] Yeah.

[276] Yeah, you've turned into, like, Jack La Lane, you know?

[277] It's an old reference.

[278] The kids won't know what I'm talking about.

[279] But there was a guy who...

[280] I know Jack La Lane.

[281] Well, I know you probably know him, but Jack La Lane was this little man that was a health expert back in the 40s and 50s and 60s.

[282] Yeah.

[283] And he would eat the same stuff, and guess what?

[284] He used to get in the water and tow a bunch of tugboats every year with a rope in his teeth.

[285] Yeah.

[286] And he lived to be like 110.

[287] Yeah.

[288] So it works.

[289] It actually works.

[290] It does.

[291] I mean, look, Jack Lane is somebody that I think, like you said, they're going to have to do a lot of research on, but you're going to see a lot of clips that are just unnecessary that had nothing to do with fitness.

[292] Like the one you just said, tugging boats with your teeth, not really a justification of being in shape.

[293] It's just a strong jaw line.

[294] There's no reason to be doing that.

[295] It's just a strong jaw line.

[296] Well, he had a fucked up job because of it.

[297] And you could never, later in life, you could never understand what he was saying because his jaw was all messed up from pulling boats.

[298] And he'd be like, you'd be like, he'd be like, What's the secret to a healthy life?

[299] And you're like, oh, you shouldn't have pulled the boats.

[300] Yeah, there it is, Jack.

[301] Maybe that's why your jaw hurts.

[302] That's exactly what it is.

[303] Let me start by complimenting you.

[304] Thank you, man. You are, and I've said this to people, because I've worked with you a bunch of times.

[305] We've done different remotes together.

[306] We've shot different things together many times over the years.

[307] And I always say the same thing.

[308] I've never seen anybody.

[309] Obviously, you have God -given talent and a lot of it.

[310] but we both know that doesn't get you, that gets you someplace, but not far.

[311] Nobody works harder.

[312] I see you, I see your brain working constantly to think of, how could I make this funnier, what could we do now, how can I increase the energy, how can I create an environment where funny things will happen?

[313] Nobody is dedicated to that like you.

[314] Thank you, man. Nobody that I've worked with.

[315] Here's the part where you tell me what's good about me. Oh, all right, well, let me do it.

[316] No, no, I'm kidding.

[317] I'm kidding.

[318] No, but I'm serious.

[319] Here you go.

[320] I think that you, out of all of the hosts that I've ever worked with, and I've worked with them all, name it, I've been with them.

[321] I have never seen a person read.

[322] No, wait a minute.

[323] I have never seen.

[324] Wait, did you write this on your hands?

[325] When you come out, just give me a second, I'm reading.

[326] When you come out, you, no, that's not you.

[327] I'm not scratch what I'm about to say, because this is scratch.

[328] That's Colbert.

[329] I'm sorry.

[330] Yeah, I'm sorry.

[331] I got a thing after this.

[332] And this is, uh, forget it, forget it.

[333] Go back to what you were doing.

[334] Go back to what you were doing.

[335] Sorry.

[336] Forget it.

[337] Spoken from the heart.

[338] Everything.

[339] Spoken by the heart from the heart.

[340] You know what I wish?

[341] I wish when I go and God knows I'm going to go.

[342] I want you to give the eulogy and get up and do that and go.

[343] The thing about Conan, wait, wait, that's not Conan.

[344] Hold on a sec. Hold on.

[345] The thing about, no, that wasn't him either.

[346] You got a couple of funerals a day.

[347] And then I got three funerals today.

[348] And then just wander off, go, I don't know.

[349] I don't know.

[350] No, I am serious.

[351] People don't realize, and this is something, there are a lot of comedy fans that listen to this.

[352] And I want them to know that comedy is all about creating the right conditions for comedy to happen in a moment.

[353] and you can't make it happen unless the conditions are right.

[354] And every time I've been with you, I see you, you immediately change, you create an environment where something really funny not only can happen, but will happen.

[355] It just will happen because your energy is off the charts and your instincts.

[356] You're constantly monitoring the situation and saying, okay, if Conan went left, I'm going to go right.

[357] if the energy is over here I'm going to go that way to help counteract that energy and add to it somehow it's very difficult to understand or to explain it's not difficult to understand no I think you're doing a great job of it I mean look I feel that comedy's reactive right and you like you said you've been in comedy for 30 years you've been all around it from writing from performing from hosting and you've been jousting all that time because you can't always be in the lead And if you have that mindset and you think like that in comedy, well, you know, your funny is going to have a time limit on it.

[358] So what I learned and what I've held on to and I always gravitate towards is things are funnier when the entire thing is good.

[359] If one person stands out and one person is just funny, well, it's not going to do the project or the project, the sketch, the monologue.

[360] there has to be an effort of making all of your surrounding counterparts just as good because the straight man shines, well, then the funny guy shines even more.

[361] And sometimes the funniest guy can become the straightest guy.

[362] So I've learned that, and I'm always on that balance beam.

[363] And with you from the times where I was a guest on your show to the times where we've done our sketches together, I think there's always been an amazing display of a ping pong match going back and forth and allowing each other to hit the ball.

[364] There's never an ego involved of I need, I want, I have to.

[365] It's always an understanding of how do we make this the best thing possible.

[366] Yes, you always walk into a situation with a lot of humility.

[367] You're just there as a person who wants to try and make it funny.

[368] You're not there as a guy that's played the biggest arenas in the world or had been in the biggest movies.

[369] You're not coming into it with any of that.

[370] I remember we shot something.

[371] I shot something with you.

[372] I think this was your idea where we work out with sumo wrestlers.

[373] But it started with us going to a diner and you went in there and you were just, I mean, you could have been starting out for all anyone would know.

[374] You walked into that diner.

[375] A lot of people there, they're freaking out.

[376] You were just focused on, okay, I'm sitting in a diner at a counter with Conan and we're going to try and make this thing funny.

[377] And so you would do funny things, but you would do funny things, but you would.

[378] also, if I did something stupid, react to that.

[379] I always liken it to, there really is a thing with music where I play amateur guitar, but if you're playing with a guitarist, if they're playing low on the neck, you go up high on the neck to blend in.

[380] You don't play the same thing.

[381] And I sense you doing that all the time.

[382] You're constantly, your ethic is absolutely unparalleled.

[383] Thank you, man. I've been very lucky from all of the projects that I've done, the co -stars.

[384] that I've had the cast that I've had around me in various different movies, television, there's always been a high level of generosity from everybody to give.

[385] And, you know, I wouldn't be where I am today without that giving, without that understanding, without knowing that if you don't set me up, right, well, I can't hit the ball.

[386] And then if I catch the ball, I got to throw it back to you.

[387] So let me make sure that it's a good pitch or a good throw.

[388] It's, I've always been able to do that.

[389] And, you know, I think because of that, the projects have succeeded.

[390] I think the best person that I've worked with that did it on such an amazing level where I sat back and not only laughed, but I really dissected everything this individual did was Will Ferrell.

[391] When me and Will Ferrell did get hard, I looked at that as a comedy school over the course of two and a half months.

[392] I have never seen improv done at this level.

[393] Whatever the scene was, Will knew the scene, and if he went for the funny, he knew how to get back to the scene.

[394] He knew how to get back to the moment.

[395] He knew how to get back to the purpose.

[396] And when he and I were going back and forth in certain things, we had a time clock.

[397] We both had a mental time clock of how long.

[398] We've been in this for about 15 seconds.

[399] Okay, let's get back to the scene.

[400] Put the button on it.

[401] And there was always a button.

[402] And there was never a thing that ran on too long.

[403] That's where the real talent within the craft is put on display.

[404] And when I watch Will Ferrell do it, I said he's where he is because of him knowing how to do this.

[405] Because there's no way for anything that he does to really be bad.

[406] Even if it's a bad thing and people may not be a fan of the movie or whatever, you can't be mad at the effort and ability to find a laugh.

[407] There's a lot of people that would say, well, Kevin Hart's, he's just funny.

[408] Will Ferrell's just funny So they have that and aren't they lucky And what they don't understand It's work ethic I think is part of it And it's also instinct But someone like Will You have it too But I know exactly what you're talking about With Will He always knows what he's going for He's got a really quick mind And if you're improvising with him He knows exactly what he's doing And he's put some thought into it He's not just winging it And he's also talented enough to make it amazing, but I think a lot of people don't understand, and maybe because it's not sexy to say, it's just not sexy to say, yeah, Will has talent, Kevin Hart has talent, but then they put in this enormous amount of work and thought.

[409] Well, a lot of people don't want to hear that.

[410] Because it's not, who wants to hear that?

[411] It's like, you know, I want to be a great musician.

[412] Well, you got to go, you got to practice for thousands of hours.

[413] Well, that's, no, I just, I just want to be a rock god, you know.

[414] I have an amazing Paris and few.

[415] We were having a discussion with me and some of my other comedian friends on our radio show.

[416] And the discussion was based around people not understanding the maturity that comes within comedy, right?

[417] Like, there's a, there's a crazy movie that people love to watch.

[418] And that movie is the rise and then the fall of individuals, right?

[419] So with comedians, there's always a big thing of, oh my God, he's the funniest, funny, he's funniest.

[420] And then there's a thing of, man, he's not funny no more.

[421] He's not funny like he used to be, right?

[422] I remember when Kobe Bryant started playing with his back to the basket, rest in peace to an NBA legend.

[423] I remember when LeBron James started playing with his back to the basket, when Michael Jordan started playing with their back to the basket.

[424] They were still the best basketball players on the planet, but they learned how to be the best with less effort and less work so that they can last for long, right?

[425] They started to learn how to take care of their body and execute and score efficiently without doing the things they did when they were older, hence, I mean younger.

[426] Hence with comedians, there was a period with comedians where you got no problem flying across the stage, flauntled on the floor, being as physical and energetic as possible because that's the thing, you're young, you're ready, you're this.

[427] But then as you start to get more polished, you gain more knowledge about the art of joke -telling.

[428] The same thing with comedic acting.

[429] You gain more knowledge and understanding of how to make a scene actually flow.

[430] So when you talk about that poised side of it, I witness Will Ferrell at a mature stage in his career show how polished he was with an understanding of dissecting a scene from front to end and giving you the funny where you needed it, not necessarily where you wanted it.

[431] That to me is when you.

[432] you become an engineer of the craft.

[433] Right.

[434] You put in the hard work, you dedicate yourself, and then later on you learn to be more efficient.

[435] So, I mean, I can look at me, I can look at a tape from me from 27, 28 years ago, and I see myself working, and it's hard for me to watch.

[436] But then I can watch myself later on, and I want you to take away from this that I just look at old tapes of myself all the time, and I make the kids watch it too.

[437] And I'm just wearing boxers, And I'm like, get in here.

[438] See, see what I did.

[439] And they're crying.

[440] And my wife's like, enough, enough.

[441] I swear to God, we're leaving.

[442] I'm packed.

[443] And I'm like, Google it.

[444] Look at me. No, you're absolutely right.

[445] It is about, and it's the same analogy.

[446] Again, with sports, with music, it's trying to figure out a way to conserve.

[447] I mean, it really does apply to you.

[448] You famously have incredible energy.

[449] You're a machine.

[450] But you also know you'd like to be doing this when you're 85, if that's possible.

[451] I mean, I don't want to see it when you're 85.

[452] Wow, I mean, it's going to be a couple of stools.

[453] A couple of stools.

[454] Just you sitting on a couple of stools.

[455] A couple of stools.

[456] Probably an IV drip.

[457] Ivy drip on stage.

[458] A nurse whipped me to wipe my mouth every so often if I can't feel.

[459] If I can't feel the spit, you're hired to just make sure I'm not spitting on myself up here.

[460] That's all I care about.

[461] Mr. Hart.

[462] She's Kevin Hart, Drew alive.

[463] That's the name of my special.

[464] Still drooling.

[465] Still drooling.

[466] Still drooling.

[467] Why is he in an arena?

[468] He's just sitting on a stool.

[469] It doesn't make any sense anymore.

[470] No entrance.

[471] There's no entrance at all.

[472] I'm just on a hospital bed on stage.

[473] I ain't dead yet.

[474] And you're just yelling at people.

[475] It hurts.

[476] It hurts.

[477] It hurts to breathe.

[478] Aplause?

[479] Does the applause lights going?

[480] Unnecessary special effects on stage.

[481] I still got the fire.

[482] That's not safe.

[483] You know what I love, too, is if the camera's doing all that stuff where they shoot you in concert, where the camera's on a crane and spinning around above you, it's all that.

[484] but you're in a bed barely moving and yelling at people and drooling and the camera and every now and then they come out and put a different leather suit on you and then the cameras spin around again and you're like, it hurts.

[485] Yeah.

[486] I stood and I got on like just a weird leather top.

[487] You can tell I don't have pants on.

[488] It's just a leather top.

[489] It's just a leather top So, because you only see my top half from the medical bed I'm in.

[490] But this is what I wanted.

[491] One last go -around.

[492] My die -hard fans, my die -hard fans are still there.

[493] It's a fan of 30 in a 15 ,000 -seat arena.

[494] I got 30 people.

[495] Just tiny little pockets of people sitting way far away from each other.

[496] You know, I'll be there.

[497] I love it.

[498] I'll check it out.

[499] Where do you think you got?

[500] this you have like a nuclear fuel like it's i imagine it's it's almost like tony stark it's like you've got this thing in your chest that's burning away with nuclear fuel that is one of your superpowers it's not all of it but it's one of them this dynamo that's inside you do you know where that comes from i'm going to tell you man and this is this is going to blow your mind because it just hit me this year this pandemic this conversation of systemic racism all of the stuff that there's been murmurs and conversations, but the focus hasn't been as loud as it's been this year.

[501] It hit me now that the reason why I'm always trying and always looking for more, trying to create more, is it was a fear of it being taken away, right?

[502] It was a fear of somebody going to come and take this away.

[503] It's impossible to last forever.

[504] there was a fear that I'm not supposed to be here and that I'm lucky and fortunate to be here, right?

[505] It's like, I hit the ball out the park.

[506] Oh, my God, look at me. I'm a shooting star.

[507] And when you look at it, it's only a certain amount, you know, of people of color that get these opportunities.

[508] So when you get these opportunities, as black people, we're holding on for dear life because outside of the opportunity is what?

[509] So I'm trying to get as much off of the plate and have been trying to get as much off of the plate to either create other opportunities or plan a flag of stability that can't be moved so that you're no longer in the space of mental fear of, damn, it's over, right?

[510] And that's a crazy thing because I swear to you, Conan, it just hit me. I said, oh my God, that's been my fear.

[511] My fear has been this all being taken away because someone says, up, it's done.

[512] Up, it's over.

[513] And all the hard work and energy and effort that you thought was going to last ran out.

[514] Your shooting star went down.

[515] So how do I become a brand, a business, a entity, a IP, a, I mean, when I, when I a streaming service, a company, a investor.

[516] How do I do everything and check it all off the box?

[517] So at the end of the day, I've built a brick house.

[518] And when you go to blow, this bitch ain't going to fall.

[519] You may break the glass, but this house ain't going to fall.

[520] How do I do that?

[521] Oh, I know how.

[522] I'm going to outwork everybody.

[523] I'm going to run 100 miles per hour, 365 a year.

[524] And when I get to said age and I decide to sit down and drink my first gallon of water after running for so long, I'm going to look back in all the things that have been accomplished and done are things that are hopefully going to set my kids, my family, my next generations, and generations to follow with multiple levels of opportunity, multiple shots at success and the success doesn't have to be entertainment, stardom, there's different levels.

[525] If I create the thing that I think that I'm doing, if I create this mogul machine with all of these different branches, but there should be a lot of people that come out of success stories from it.

[526] That's my real success.

[527] So if I do it correctly, my real success is not going to be the star that I was.

[528] It's going to be the stars that I made.

[529] That's my reason.

[530] for this crazy battery in my back.

[531] And this pandemic, I swear to you, sitting in the house, having a conversation, I said, oh, shit.

[532] I remember Chris Rock had a joke, and I just laughed at the joke.

[533] It was funny, but now I understand the truth behind it.

[534] Chris Rock said he always kept a bag packed in his house by the door.

[535] He said because he believed that one day somebody's going to come in and say, this shit ain't yours, it's over.

[536] He said, because I'm the only guy in my neighborhood that's a star.

[537] Everybody else is just a regular person.

[538] Dennis, doctor, surgeon, principal that's built schools.

[539] He said, these are all just regular people.

[540] I'm the only astronomical star.

[541] No way that they're going to let me stay here.

[542] And there was like a fear in the back of his head.

[543] And there was a funny joke.

[544] We laughed.

[545] But today it makes sense.

[546] I'll tell you a true story.

[547] It's a very vivid memory.

[548] Chris, back in the day, there was a period of time where he was coming on our show and he had left Saturday Night Live and he was, I think he was a correspondent for politically incorrect with Bill Maher, I believe.

[549] And he'd come on and he'd come on as a guest and then, of course, he did his iconic comedy special that absolutely blew up.

[550] He'd come on and the crab would be screaming 10 minutes before he came out.

[551] You know, I'd be trying to get through the first 10 minutes of the show, but the atmosphere was different because Chris Rock was in the building and he'd become such a huge star and I remember he'd come on countless times and he was this huge deal and almost every time he would come out I'd say ladies and gentlemen Chris Rock he'd come out and they'd be going crazy he would always make a quiet comment to me just as we like shook hands or hugged before he sat down which was they're not onto me yet you know a comment that he would always say that now no one could hear him only i could hear him but he must have said that to me three or four times and it was always a different version of that which is well okay it's still happening for now or they haven't come on to me they're not on to me yet or well they don't know still got him fooled that kind of joke and i could see him saying that to me but his head is turned away from the crowd they're going nuts and he's confused confessing to me exactly what you just said.

[552] Yeah.

[553] And I remember him saying it several times, I don't know if it's all artists.

[554] I'm assuming it's all artists, but I know it's true about comedians.

[555] We all think I'm here, you know, but for the grace of God.

[556] And what you're talking about, which is something I cannot relate to, which is you add this race component, which I think this whole moment in the last six, seven months, really exploding, starting with George Floyd and continuing through so many of these shocking events has been people like me, you don't understand that in the black community have perceived a slightly a different America than the one that you perceive.

[557] And it's with us all the time.

[558] And because it's with us all the time, we do think about some things differently.

[559] We perceive things differently.

[560] And it is, I guess, shocking to me, and I'll even admit.

[561] It's embarrassing to me that I haven't understood it as completely.

[562] Do you know what I mean?

[563] I'm just, I didn't.

[564] I didn't understand.

[565] But here's the thing, though, I'm going to sit up here and admit I was aware, but with the light that's now shine, you're more aware, right?

[566] Because where I was, I was conditioned to deal.

[567] what I saw is what I knew and what I knew is where I grew this is it for me this is what it's going to be this is what life is supposed to be I don't know anything else outside of this so because I got the opportunity to get outside of it when you get outside of it you look back this is when you start to go holy shit oh this is what this is what people talk about this is the racial divide This is the conversation.

[568] So when you're a part of that and you're gaining success, financial, relationship, opportunity, well, the scramble to get it all is because you don't know how long it's going to last.

[569] And that's what the white community has never truly understood.

[570] There's a safety net of longevity that comes with opportunity.

[571] So the reason why a me, a rapper, a young studio exec, A &R, is trying to hustle to become a producer, signs 58 artists, 58 music artists in six months.

[572] And people are like, are you crazy?

[573] Hell no. I don't know how long they're going to let me stay here.

[574] It's a fear of it's going to get taken away.

[575] It's not going to last.

[576] What some that are extremely privileged and blessed have been able to do, hence your Oprah, hence your Tyler, hence, uh, uh, Puff, uh, Jay -Z, Beyonce.

[577] They've created these entities that now stand alone to where they've been able to onboard and hire and give opportunities and show so many that had no idea what else was out there, what the possibilities can be.

[578] Yeah.

[579] But you take these shooting stars.

[580] away, well, how do these opportunities come?

[581] Right.

[582] And that's the part where now the education is being served on a dish that's got food good enough for people to eat and go, oh, okay.

[583] Oh, I didn't know that this was here.

[584] I had no idea that this food was even on the side.

[585] I had no idea.

[586] So the conversation becomes, how are we now going to be conscious and improve?

[587] And what you just said shows that you're a part of the improvement.

[588] It's the understanding of, oh, I didn't know.

[589] Oh, shit.

[590] Honestly, I'm, okay, I am embarrassed and I didn't know.

[591] That's the improvement.

[592] So how many can do that and how many moving forward will?

[593] Because then you understand the hustle.

[594] You understand Kevin's crazy drive.

[595] You understand why Kevin's filming a movie and touring at the same time and trying to get to his office at 9 a .m. with his staff.

[596] You understand.

[597] Yeah.

[598] You understand why that's the attitude in the effort now.

[599] It's just a different way to look at it.

[600] I had this moment long before this current conversation.

[601] There's this guy that works on our show, Chris Hayes, who is, is he from, I think he's from Lompoke.

[602] Is that right?

[603] He is from Lompok.

[604] He's from Lompok, and he's black, and I had this movie night, and he came over and we're like sitting out having a beer before we're going to.

[605] to watch the movie and eating some food.

[606] And he made some remark about coming to this neighborhood because I live on the west side of L .A. And I live in a nice neighborhood.

[607] And I didn't understand what?

[608] And I said, what do you mean?

[609] He said, you know, I just have to, when I drive into your neighborhood, I'm on my best behavior.

[610] And I stopped the conversation.

[611] I was like, why, what is it?

[612] And he said, why I have to drive because I know there's a good chance I'll get pulled over because I'm in a very different neighborhood and I was, I'll say it again, I was embarrassed.

[613] I was, I felt some shame that that hadn't occurred to me. And then I realize, I think it's part of this conversation that I've been having with a lot of people is this whole idea that, so get over yourself.

[614] You were embarrassed, you didn't know, or you didn't realize, obviously we all know there's racism, we all know that it's a big part of this, our world.

[615] but when you hear, but wait, that's my friend.

[616] What do you mean?

[617] He's really?

[618] He has to have his driver's license ready.

[619] If he comes to my neighborhood, he has to be worried about getting pulled over.

[620] I'm embarrassed now.

[621] And I'm ashamed.

[622] And one of the things that's come out of this is, so what, fucking get over yourself.

[623] Be embarrassed.

[624] That's a, you're paying a much smaller price than Chris Hayes is playing, paying.

[625] Get over it and work on changing it.

[626] That's, you know, I think part of what this conversation has all been about.

[627] And I think what's so powerful about you saying this is that I'm telling you, Kevin, people look at you and think they just think you've got the world by the tail and that you've been blessed and you have been blessed in many ways, of course, but they don't understand that you feel that way.

[628] Oh, absolutely not.

[629] They do not know that a Kevin Hart because they otherize you.

[630] And I don't mean in the other eyes you in the racial way.

[631] They otherize you and that America takes successful people and turns them into gods.

[632] And so it's Kevin Hart.

[633] And Kevin Hart is just, oh, he's got it made.

[634] They do not understand what drives you.

[635] They couldn't.

[636] They couldn't understand and they wouldn't.

[637] And they also don't understand being where I am now, the ice that I have to walk on in this position.

[638] There's thin ice.

[639] I'm walking on thin ice.

[640] So I'm not complaining about it.

[641] I'm very thankful.

[642] I'm very happy for all of my success.

[643] But I'm walking going thin ice.

[644] There is no room for error for a black successful man. I'm sorry.

[645] There isn't.

[646] No. There isn't.

[647] And the world doesn't understand that and hasn't processed it.

[648] Like, you know, with what happened with me from tweets of old, you know, I did everything in my power to try to show that I was sorry remorse for.

[649] I mean, it took time.

[650] I don't know if it's still received or not received, but me trying to show the person that I am and, hey, this is, guys, I'm still me. I'm the happiest person.

[651] I love everybody.

[652] That took an amazing display of effort and energy to prove, once again who I am.

[653] I have to go above and beyond to prove that because it's been compromised.

[654] Okay, well now that thing goes past.

[655] Well, Kevin messed up again.

[656] Guys, I never said I'm not going to mess up.

[657] The pressure of perfection is on me for what?

[658] Oh, that's right.

[659] Because we don't get these shots.

[660] So the ones that do if you mess it up, then where's the next one?

[661] Because this one doesn't deserve it.

[662] That's the mind.

[663] That's the attitude, and that's something that the world has yet to truly identify with.

[664] So when I'm now in this position of quote -unquote power, I'm a CEO, I'm a chairman of my company, I sit on the boards of several other companies, I'm a real fucking entity, I'm a real mogul, but guess what, anytime anything happens with me personally, well, now I got to worry about those that work underneath me. And there's hundreds of people.

[665] So now Kevin and has to walk at the highest level of success in a piece of fear with his moves.

[666] Right.

[667] Because I can't, I can't.

[668] I can mess up.

[669] This is where my mindset is and has been.

[670] And now because of it, I just try to make sure I'm always doing the right thing.

[671] And if I finish my time in this business and I've maintained a level head and I've been able to do it, then God bless me. But if I didn't, oh, well, then it wasn't meant to fucking be.

[672] Like, at the end of the day, you get one life.

[673] Yeah.

[674] I get one life.

[675] And I got to live my goddamn life.

[676] Because when it's all said and done, I'm going to look back at it.

[677] And if I'm not happy or if I wasn't happy, and if my family wasn't happy, then we didn't do it right.

[678] We didn't do it right.

[679] But the pressure that comes with the attempt of, well, holy shit, Cohnit, we're talking about a different one.

[680] Yeah.

[681] Talking about a different level of pressure.

[682] and that's the part that people just aren't aware of but I love it I stand up to pressure I've stood up to it all this time I take it head on take it head to fuck on and there's nothing that can happen except you get knocked on your ass and the beauty of that is you can see how I felt but dust comes off yeah bruises heel I've been bruised up a lot buddy yeah I've been punched and kicked a lot and also I mean talk about people not realizing.

[683] I don't know if a lot of people realize how badly you were hurt recently.

[684] My accident?

[685] I couldn't wipe my ass.

[686] Why didn't you call me?

[687] I don't wiped your ass.

[688] I would have.

[689] I should have called me. I would have happily wiped your ass.

[690] I could not wipe my fucking ass, man. That's another piece of reality.

[691] That's when, that's a reality.

[692] When you can't wipe your ass, is there a device you can get?

[693] You got a fucking help button.

[694] You got a help button.

[695] That's about it, man. The most humbling shit ever in the world Is not being able to wipe your ass And having an innocent look in your eye for help That is the most humbling thing in the world When I tell you, I have never been more appreciative My wife in my life In my life, swiping your ass?

[696] She wasn't happy about it.

[697] She wasn't happy about it, but she did it.

[698] Well, if she was happy about it, I'd be very suspicious.

[699] She wasn't happy about it.

[700] Yay!

[701] Goodie!

[702] It's ass weapon time.

[703] She was like, why don't you have to nurse do it?

[704] I don't want a nurse do it.

[705] I don't know.

[706] I don't like it.

[707] I want you to do it.

[708] So that had to be done for a while.

[709] But that's when I got punched in the face with more reality.

[710] You know, like this, like I built up this thing for so long that I was in control.

[711] Me, I, I, I, I, aye, aye, aye, aye, I got it.

[712] I'm doing.

[713] I got to make me, me, me, me. That's what you think.

[714] Because you're doing so much, you start to.

[715] Ah, ah.

[716] You just knocked your egg white.

[717] knock my goddamn egg whites over.

[718] Conan, that's why they didn't want to do this shit.

[719] You know, if there was yoke in there, if there was yoke in there, the plate would have been heavier and it wouldn't have flipped off the table.

[720] Damn it!

[721] Egg whites are too light, that's the problem.

[722] You might be on to something.

[723] You've got to have some yokes.

[724] I've got to have some yokes.

[725] But you know, what's crazy is you were micro millimeters away from being paralyzed for life.

[726] Very true.

[727] Doctor held his fingers up and they were a very small, space.

[728] There was a small space.

[729] He said, that's how close you are from never walking again.

[730] Jesus Christ.

[731] That's how close.

[732] He said, you're very blessed and fortunate.

[733] He said, because of my core strength.

[734] Of course, I say because of God first, but he said also my core strength played a major part in saving me from being paralyzed as well.

[735] But, you know, that was a moment where like life could have been over, man. Snap of a finger.

[736] Bye -bye, life.

[737] But it's so funny when you say, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, that is a trap.

[738] I know that I've fallen into a lot, which is, I mean, when I'm in my office, the building says Conan on it, and there's a thousand pictures of Conan inside, and everyone's wearing a shirt that says Conan, because I make them.

[739] It's like, it's like Willie Wonka's factory, I just, I insist, I insist on it.

[740] It's a great move.

[741] We actually make really good chocolate there, not good comedy, good chocolate.

[742] It's a great movie, great movie.

[743] But you can get into this.

[744] idea that I'm making all this happen when you really got to give it up for how many people around you are supporting you and that there's a limit to I. There's a limit to what we can do.

[745] We need help.

[746] And occasionally you do need someone to wipe your ass.

[747] I have not been in that situation.

[748] Well, I've had people do it not because I can't wipe my own ass, but because I and just laziness.

[749] Yeah.

[750] You just sit.

[751] Yeah.

[752] You're not a morning person.

[753] I understand.

[754] We've had interns complain.

[755] There's been some lawsuits.

[756] But I say, look, what's the point of having your name on the building if someone can't wipe your ass?

[757] I'm there with you.

[758] I was trying to get college credit, you know?

[759] But no, I understand exactly what you're talking about.

[760] And the other thing I wanted to say that you brought up that I thought was such a good point, you've worked so hard to build a business.

[761] And I'll tell you something, you could take some of the whitest, most racist, ignorant people in America who are in a bubble and I think it's just very American.

[762] But if you show them your spreadsheet and you show them how much money your company is making and how many people you employ, the most racist person will be like, shit, you know?

[763] Would you like, I mean, it shouldn't be that way, but sadly it is.

[764] It is.

[765] It's beating them at their own game because we do.

[766] It's sad that it is.

[767] But it is, it is true.

[768] Money is the one thing, sadly, in America, that gets people to get over some of their prejudices.

[769] Because they, I think sadly, in a lot of parts of our country, we respect that more.

[770] And it makes sense to me that you would want to build a system where it's like, you know what, you've got to respect that one day I'm going to have a Fortune 500 company.

[771] You know what I mean?

[772] You've got to respect that, and it doesn't matter what prejudices you have.

[773] And people who don't know that, yeah, okay, he's from Philadelphia and he used to sell shoes for a before he got into comedy and he struggled for years and years and years and who are biased against the color of your skin once they see, fuck, look at this thing he's built.

[774] I mean, it's sad, but it's true.

[775] At the end of the day, whether you're a fan of not, whether you're a fan or not, you're going to respect my effort, my attempt and my effort.

[776] And whether I get to that place of ultimate success, I'm at least going to set the blueprint an example for the person behind me to do it better.

[777] So my efforts, my push, my attempts, if I do come up short, which I died, I will, because I don't lose.

[778] I don't fucking lose.

[779] I say that confidently.

[780] I do not lose.

[781] If I do come up short, I will have come so close that the next person is going to go, all I got to do is this, and then make a right instead of that left.

[782] that's all I got to do my moves in this business have not been astronomical have not been genius I have watched and studied so many and I have followed the path that so many have set before me and getting to a certain place okay some have went this way and this way I'm going to try this way I'm going to try to do this that's how ground gets broken that's how new success becomes a story It's within the attempt.

[783] So right now my attempt is when they were witnessing.

[784] And some may see, some may not.

[785] That's not my business for you to be aware.

[786] My business is in the business of implementing and planting a flag of opportunity.

[787] If I do that, then I did my job.

[788] I did my job.

[789] I realized my purpose.

[790] I realize my opportunity.

[791] And if I create more, well, I did it.

[792] So whether you like me or not, you're going to have to respect it.

[793] You're going to have to respect it and go, holy shit.

[794] Whether you like Tyler Perry, Oprah Winfrey, J .Z. Beyonce, all those names that I named before, and there's so many more.

[795] Whether you like them or not, you have to respect what they did with their opportunity.

[796] They created more.

[797] So if I can put myself in that conversation, then God bless me. Thank you.

[798] Well, I think you, well, first of all, I think you did.

[799] you put yourself in that conversation and my only wish for you because i do honestly really consider you a friend you're someone who's i have a lot of admiration for as a person as a comedian uh but as a life force and a person my wish for you is that you take 30 seconds every day to understand that you have done it and and that you have have some self -love every day to say I did it.

[800] I did do it.

[801] It has been done.

[802] You are continuing to do it, but honor that you did do it, Kevin.

[803] You know what I mean?

[804] It's not all in the future for you.

[805] And I'm sorry.

[806] I wish it wasn't the case that you felt like someone might take this all away from you.

[807] But, God, I think you've made that highly unlikely.

[808] You've really, I mean, I do not understand how someone could do that.

[809] Because you are, because no one, I would never bet against you.

[810] You're the last person on earth I would bet against.

[811] You are undefeatable.

[812] You're just, and I really admire you.

[813] I really have such great admiration for you.

[814] This is why I love you.

[815] You are a friend and the amount of respect that I have for you is just through the roof.

[816] And it's for, it's for so many more reasons outside of what you do.

[817] It's just the person that you are, man. So until hell and high water, you forever got me for whatever you made.

[818] I mean that.

[819] All right.

[820] Well, I need a lot of money.

[821] Okay.

[822] And I need it now.

[823] Okay.

[824] No, I'm talking.

[825] I need like $6 million.

[826] I fucked up.

[827] Well, let's talk about it.

[828] No, I need it in cash.

[829] I need it in cash.

[830] Listen, I'm going to let you go.

[831] Yeah, let me go.

[832] I'm going to let you go.

[833] But you know what I'm going to do.

[834] I'm going to have my people contact your people.

[835] It's $6 million.

[836] All right.

[837] So let's talk offline.

[838] I'm into some bad people.

[839] These are bad people, Kevin.

[840] And I need this fucking money.

[841] And I need it now.

[842] Let's figure out.

[843] No, let's just talk about it offline.

[844] and we'll see what we can come on with.

[845] I will never talk to this man again.

[846] All right.

[847] Hey, I love you, Kevin.

[848] Be well and stay well and try the yoke.

[849] Just a little yoke in the egg next time.

[850] Goodbye.

[851] Goodbye.

[852] Goodbye.

[853] You know, there are a lot of people that ask me how accurate is the depiction of your relationship, specifically with Sona, that's that you hear on the podcast, meaning, do we turn this on when we're on the podcast but we're not this way most of the time and I would say this is a fairly accurate representation but I had an example of something that happened the other day that's just a perfect example of I think how we are in the real world.

[854] I'm terrified.

[855] No, you shouldn't be terrified.

[856] It's actually we taped our show which we do at the Largo Theater.

[857] Yes.

[858] The television show.

[859] So many shows now.

[860] I have a puppet show.

[861] I have a Cirque de Soleil show.

[862] There's so many versions.

[863] of Conan.

[864] I have a Cirque de Saleh?

[865] What do you do?

[866] I am the least limber member of the Cirque de Soleil.

[867] It's an aerial Conan.

[868] Yeah, everyone else is spinning and twisting and then I'm in a chair and they, I slightly reclined the chair about eight degrees.

[869] Oh my God.

[870] Once we reclined it, the music was playing and we reclined it 14 degrees and I started screaming.

[871] And they rushed me to.

[872] That's terrible.

[873] So anyway, so many different shows now, but we did the television show at Largo Theater and then we were done and we thought, let's go grab a bite to eat.

[874] So Sona and I went and we went in the neighborhood to this Italian restaurant where you can sit out on the sidewalk.

[875] They're very safe there.

[876] We could socially distance.

[877] And I want to make that point.

[878] So we're sitting outside and it's right across the street from Cedar Sinai Hospital, which is a big hospital here in Los Angeles.

[879] And we're sitting there and were waiting for our food when I saw two guys that work for the hospital.

[880] They looked, they were EMTs, and they were running down the street.

[881] One was at the front of a gurney.

[882] One was at the back of the gurney.

[883] But the gurney was completely empty.

[884] Yeah.

[885] They were just rushing down the sidewalk with an empty gurney on wheels, and they were pushing it really fast, headed into the hospital entrance.

[886] And I pointed to it, and I said, oh, my God, Sona, the invisible man's been in a terrible accident.

[887] and it's so stupid.

[888] It's such a stupid joke, but Sona started laughing really hard.

[889] It's so stupid.

[890] And then I said, high -five that Sona.

[891] And Sona was laughing, so she high -fived it.

[892] And then our food comes, and then we're eating our food.

[893] And it's like, it's 10 minutes later.

[894] And I went, Invisible Man had an accident, right, Sona?

[895] And she went, yeah, yeah, no, that was really, that was funny.

[896] That got me. It's stupid, but it's really funny.

[897] 10 minutes ago.

[898] Then I'm, it's later, it's an hour later, and I'm running errands.

[899] And I call Sona on the cell phone and she's thinking I'm going to ask her to do something.

[900] And she picks up and I go, Invisible Man had an accident, right?

[901] And she's like, what are you doing?

[902] Yeah, I acknowledged it.

[903] Oh, God.

[904] And then, flash forward like three hours later, it's getting to be nighttime, four hours later, I text you.

[905] Uh -huh.

[906] Right?

[907] Invisible Man, accident.

[908] And you were like, and then I can't stop.

[909] I've got to keep doubling down on the Invisible Man had an accident.

[910] It was really funny the first time.

[911] Right.

[912] But then there's some part of me that can't help but ruin it.

[913] I have to drive it into the ground.

[914] Totally.

[915] And the thing is you were so proud of yourself too.

[916] And then, you know, there were high fives, there were chuckles.

[917] And I think because you felt so good about nailing a joke, which you you do, by the way, for your career.

[918] I'm happier about a stupid one than I am about a good one.

[919] And something about them rushing down the street and they looked like really serious and there's an empty gurney, but I knew the Invisible Man had been hit on a bicycle.

[920] And then I'm thinking, this happens all the time to the Invisible Man because he's invisible.

[921] So when he's out walking around, people are hitting, and you know what that's really stupid?

[922] I bet the Invisible Man had like iPods in and was listening to music.

[923] So he's invisible, and he's listening.

[924] to tunes and he's constantly, constantly getting hit, you know, and every time they take him to the hospital, they're like, invisible man. Yeah, there's like a whole like, come on.

[925] Were you listening to your invisible iPhone buds?

[926] Maybe.

[927] Oh, don't have that attitude.

[928] You got to listen if you're going to be invisible, you know?

[929] Maybe you should like maybe spray some sand or dust on him or something.

[930] They've tried it, but he's very sensitive skin.

[931] Oh, he does.

[932] Yeah.

[933] His invisible.

[934] The visible skin is very sensitive.

[935] Very super sensitive.

[936] He's tried it.

[937] He's tried doing a light paint when he goes out on a jog and it doesn't work.

[938] Why wouldn't he just wear clothes?

[939] Well, first of all, he enjoys being naked.

[940] Okay.

[941] One of the joys of being the invisible man is walking around naked.

[942] He's naked?

[943] Yeah, you got to let things...

[944] I just thought the moment he puts clothes on and they become invisible.

[945] It doesn't work that way.

[946] You've got to be completely naked.

[947] That's one of the erotic thrills of being the invisible man, and it's why he's such a purve.

[948] So anyway, the fact that I couldn't let that joke go, that is an exact example of what I do all the time.

[949] And probably, if I hadn't brought it up here on the podcast, I would have waited a few days.

[950] And then I guess I'm going to say like on Sunday, I would have bombarded you with a couple of Invisible Man. Like, wasn't that good?

[951] Yeah.

[952] And you would have been like you've got to stop.

[953] Yes.

[954] Yes.

[955] My hope would be that years later after you're retired and Sona's not working for you and you're on your deathbed and you haven't spoken in 10 years.

[956] is you just call her and the last thing you do before you die.

[957] Remember the invisible man?

[958] Remember?

[959] It's funny because if he was rushed to the hospital, it would look just like those two men pushing an empty gurney.

[960] And you'll be in a gurney and naked.

[961] Yeah, and I'll be in a gurney and naked.

[962] Well, that's, yeah.

[963] Yeah.

[964] Well, and it's so on brand for you that your last words would be a bit and not like some poignant words.

[965] My last words will be a bit.

[966] Like, I've always thought, But, you know, there's that weird guy, Jordan Slansky, who works for us.

[967] Yeah.

[968] I always thought that if something, God forbid, something terrible happened to me, and people rushed up, and I was fading fast, and they said, is there anything we could say?

[969] Instead of saying, tell my wife I loved her, I'd probably say, tell Jordan Slansky, I'm not a fan.

[970] And then I die.

[971] Oh, my God.

[972] Oh, my God.

[973] And my wife would be like, what did he say?

[974] He said, tell me, tell Liza, I love her.

[975] No, that's not what he said.

[976] We thought that's where he was going, but he said, tell Jordan Slansky, I'm not a fan.

[977] And then he went on a little bit about how Jordan usually comes in late and seems to have attitude and doesn't back it up with his work.

[978] How long did he talk for?

[979] About 45 minutes.

[980] You're dying.

[981] Did he mention his children?

[982] No, we actually brought up his children a couple.

[983] We brought up Nev and Beckett and we said, is there anything you should tell them?

[984] And he was like, no, no, no, no. Whatever.

[985] They'll figure it out.

[986] Look, also bring up the fact that he's always talking about manscaping.

[987] Why does he manscape?

[988] Oh, my God.

[989] And then, you know, how long was he?

[990] Well, he lived for about six days.

[991] And we kept saying we should, why didn't you contact me?

[992] He said you shouldn't contact him.

[993] He was on a role about this guy at work who irritated him.

[994] Oh, my God.

[995] So he just went off.

[996] Well, anyway, that's what we're like.

[997] You're a sick man. That's the real us, right, pal?

[998] It is.

[999] You're right, buddy.

[1000] Can I just touch on the shoulder and go, yeah, buddy?

[1001] That's enough.

[1002] Oh, super spread.

[1003] Yeah.

[1004] I just had my hand in a big bucket of COVID.

[1005] A bucket of COVID.

[1006] They sell it at the Cracker Barrel.

[1007] Bucket of COVID.

[1008] Yeah, I went from my bucket of COVID and then I just put my hand in there.

[1009] I don't know why Cracker Barrel sells that shit.

[1010] It's crazy.

[1011] Cracker Barrel, knock it off.

[1012] Where is it Cracker Barrel?

[1013] There isn't one here.

[1014] We've gone off the rails.

[1015] There's no way this is making it in.

[1016] No, this can't.

[1017] But is there a Cracker Barrel anywhere nearby?

[1018] I don't think so.

[1019] You'd have to go out of ways out towards the crick.

[1020] What?

[1021] Okay, we're done, we're done here.

[1022] You're ending in a trick?

[1023] You know what I love?

[1024] I love that Garley's trying to end this neatly, and I'm refusing to let this have a neat ending.

[1025] Yeah, no. Go out to the Cracker Barrel, head out towards the crick.

[1026] Get yourself a big bucket of COVID.

[1027] Uh -huh, now you have to put that in.

[1028] Possibly the biggest laugh, yeah.

[1029] I'm playing my gotta laugh musical instrument.

[1030] It's a woodwind.

[1031] Do do do do do do Goarly can't cut this out He can't cut it out Conan O 'Brien needs a friend With Sonamov Sessian and Conan O 'Brien as himself Produced by me, Matt Goorley Executive produced by Adam Sacks Joanna Solitaroff and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf Theme song by the White Stripes Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[1032] The show is engineered by Will Beckton.

[1033] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review featured on a future episode.

[1034] Got a question for Conan?

[1035] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

[1036] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[1037] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[1038] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.