A Very Special Self-Quarantine Episode featuring Andy Daly

[0] Hello and welcome to a very special episode of Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[1] I'm going to retitle this one.

[2] Apparently, Conan O 'Brien does not need a friend right now.

[3] Conan O 'Brien needs to stay the fuck away from everybody.

[4] Coronavirus needs a friend.

[5] This is the coronavirus edition.

[6] There may be others.

[7] But we just thought that, you know, given that a lot of people are quarantined at home or hunkering down, that it might be nice for our fans out there if we made an episode to let you know we're thinking of you, we're here.

[8] I've assembled a small group of friends who've all been boiled in various antiseptic liquids to keep them safe.

[9] I'm here with a very funny, I mean, you know him from, he's a podcaster extraordinaire, he's a master improviser, a hilarious guy, Mr. Andy Daley.

[10] Hi.

[11] I also live close to where we are.

[12] That's a large part of why I'm here.

[13] You know, it's so funny because I thought you were here.

[14] First of all, I was delighted when I heard that you could be here.

[15] How are you going to book a show in the midst of a pandemic?

[16] And then I find out, and I almost hugged you when I saw you because I thought it was such an act of bravery.

[17] And then it turns out you practically live in this house.

[18] Yeah, sometimes I do crash in the yard if the weather's nicer.

[19] Okay.

[20] Let me be clear as to where we are.

[21] We are in the home of our producer Matt Goreley.

[22] Hi.

[23] Yeah, welcome.

[24] Okay, are you okay?

[25] That high was very...

[26] Contrast that with Andy's high.

[27] Let's hear, your high.

[28] Hi!

[29] Yeah, and then yours was a...

[30] Hi.

[31] Which sounds like you're already short of breath and you don't have the disease.

[32] Welcome to my home.

[33] You're a gracious guest.

[34] Well, let me point out, yes, we are in Matt Goreley's home in Pasadena.

[35] I won't give the exact address because no one would bother you.

[36] Oh, man, I still don't.

[37] I still got it.

[38] I'm glad to see this virus hasn't affected your capacity to be a dick.

[39] No, we thought we had this idea yesterday.

[40] Maybe we should get together and do a podcast.

[41] Our guru, Mr. Adam Sacks, said he'd been reading some comments that people were listening to the podcast a lot because they're hunkered down and maybe we could.

[42] I thought, hey, let's try and do something special.

[43] We don't do this often and we're just going to tape this and get it done right away and get it out there.

[44] So then we had the idea.

[45] We could meet somewhere maybe at my house and Matt Gourley said, I have a better idea, come to my house.

[46] Then I don't have to drive.

[47] Isn't that what you said?

[48] Yeah, but I am regretting it as we speak.

[49] Oh, come on.

[50] I have to say, this house is beautiful.

[51] It is nice, isn't it?

[52] It is really...

[53] I did all of this.

[54] I did the stone.

[55] You did?

[56] I didn't realize that you were...

[57] Yeah.

[58] I mean, it's a veneer, but...

[59] Beautiful.

[60] Yeah, it looks nice.

[61] Let me just describe.

[62] It is sort of kind of got an arts and crafts vibe.

[63] It is, no, that's not a joke.

[64] Why are you laughing?

[65] I don't know.

[66] That's an actual house style.

[67] Sometimes you're laughing when I say a real thing.

[68] Did you think like scrapbooking or something like a...

[69] Macaroni clues to the wall?

[70] This house was built and you tell me, I'm guessing...

[71] 47.

[72] 1947.

[73] It's absolutely gorgeous.

[74] And you and your wife, Amanda, who's also very beautiful and kind, have done an extraordinary job.

[75] This is like a museum.

[76] Oh, we did clean up knowing that you were coming.

[77] Yeah, and it's got a lot of cool stuff.

[78] And I, oh, look, is that a stormtrooper blaster in a Lusite case?

[79] Here's the problem.

[80] I knew I needed to Conan Proof my house, but I just went, you know what, fuck it.

[81] Yes, it is.

[82] Because you have a lot of beautiful, really cool Americana and old photographs and stuff like that.

[83] And then you walk into this room and you have a stormtrooper blaster?

[84] Yeah.

[85] Okay.

[86] And what did that set you bet?

[87] I'm not prepared to say, but it's not gross.

[88] What do you mean?

[89] Well, it's not like thousands of dollars or anything.

[90] What happened with the stormtrooper you took it off?

[91] Well, he mouthed off of it.

[92] Sona is joining us, my trustee assistant.

[93] Sonoma, assistant, how are you, Sona?

[94] I'm good.

[95] How are you dealing with all of this coronavirus, fear, worry, anxiety?

[96] No, none of the above.

[97] Oh, you're pretty chill.

[98] I'm pretty chill.

[99] I'm fine.

[100] I don't know.

[101] Should I be worried?

[102] I feel like I should be worried, but I'm not.

[103] Well, you have an amazing immune system.

[104] I do.

[105] I have a great immune system.

[106] Which, because you use a lot of old remedies.

[107] What?

[108] Old.

[109] Wait, what?

[110] I'm not, I'm being honest.

[111] You are always telling me that your mother and your grandmother have always told you eat garlic.

[112] They do, yeah, yeah.

[113] I mean, when we get sick, we eat, like, clothes of garlic, drink a lot of tea.

[114] We don't take medicine.

[115] Isn't that, but that's not even what you do when you're sick.

[116] You do that anyway.

[117] Like, that's your Halloween candy.

[118] Okay.

[119] You know what?

[120] Garlic in their empty pumpkin.

[121] I will say, I mean, a lot of times.

[122] Oh, come on.

[123] Give out some garlic.

[124] It's the Armenian treat for all the kids love it.

[125] We do not get out.

[126] Garlic at Halloween.

[127] We don't do that.

[128] But yeah, no, we sometimes fear too much.

[129] We veer a little too much on the side of, you know, super holistic.

[130] Like I walked around with a broken arm for two weeks because my parents thought they could just, they didn't think it was broken and they could fix it.

[131] What are you talking about?

[132] When was this?

[133] Oh, they're going to be so.

[134] mad.

[135] When I was in sixth grade, I broke my arm and my parents like, it's not broken.

[136] And then they would cook something on the stovetop and then put it on there and wrap it up.

[137] And for two week.

[138] Should I point out, to be fair, Sona was born in 1312.

[139] You look great.

[140] Yeah.

[141] And it's just, she really moisturizes a lot.

[142] What do you mean if you had a broken arm, so was a bone?

[143] We didn't know it was broken.

[144] Well, could you move it?

[145] No. Yeah, that means it's broken.

[146] Yeah.

[147] Yeah.

[148] So then And what would they rub into it?

[149] When they're cooking something, is it an omelet?

[150] What are they rubbing into it?

[151] They did not have rub an omelet on my arm.

[152] Just so you have some context, I've never had anything cooked on the stove wrapped around my arm.

[153] That sounds odd.

[154] Yeah, it doesn't sound right at all.

[155] No. Hey, little known fact, I do know that in when Lincoln was shot, in this, of course, you know, April 14th, 1865, what they do is they lay them out on this bed.

[156] and the doctors then knew relatively nothing.

[157] He's got a giant hole in his head, and he's dying, and they put a mustard plaster on his chest.

[158] And you're thinking, okay, good.

[159] I guess we got that taken care of.

[160] But your parents are doing pretty much the same thing to you.

[161] No, they thought it was just sore, and then a couple weeks after doing this thing they were doing, I was like, my arm really hurts, and I think I should go to the hospital.

[162] And they're like, okay.

[163] Did they say, tell us more of this hospital?

[164] Okay.

[165] Why do I talk?

[166] Why do I talk about these things?

[167] Anyway.

[168] No, but I do have a good immune system.

[169] Thanks for, you know, to mom and pop for not making me. Dependent on antibiotics.

[170] Oh, good.

[171] That's a good message to get out right now.

[172] Yeah.

[173] Don't seek treatment.

[174] Don't.

[175] It makes you weak.

[176] Yeah, you're being too weak.

[177] Find some Armenians and they will cook you a stew and you can sit waist deep in it for a while and you'll be fine.

[178] It'll get better Okay It'll work It'll get better Andy How are you First of all Thank you very much And I know that I don't often Get to talk to you Because you're so often In character I am now too This is a character Is this a character Because I don't know who the real you is No me neither Okay Do you ever get up In the middle of the night Because I've seen you So many times And you're always You're hilarious And you You're always funny But I don't know If it's the real you Yeah Do you ever get up Out of a deep sleep At like three in the morning go to the bathroom and then look in the mirror and really see yourself and say, I'm a monster.

[179] Yeah, that's the only time it happens.

[180] When I wake up like unexpectedly, when I wasn't expecting to be awake, I can't, I don't have time to go through the process of becoming whatever this is.

[181] And I'm immediately just faced with the actual me. Yeah.

[182] And then it's just like, I pop whatever pills are in the coverage.

[183] Yeah.

[184] And knock myself back out.

[185] Not yourself back out.

[186] So is, I don't, I don't know if there is, but the Andy you are now, I don't know which one it is.

[187] And of course, is the Andy you are now worried at all about things?

[188] Are you fairly calm?

[189] How are you feeling about the current situation with this virus and people freaking out a little bit?

[190] Yeah, yeah.

[191] I'm freaked out by the freaking out.

[192] And I'm reading a lot of articles.

[193] But I'm also, are they articles about this or just article any article?

[194] Jim, no, mostly about the Eagles.

[195] I've really been brushing up on like, what was up with those guys?

[196] They really didn't get along And then what brought them back together?

[197] I've just been trying to unravel that mystery Well, again, that's just a tip out there If you're worried about the coronavirus There are a lot of articles out there about the Eagles Yeah, a lot And exactly why they broke up And how they got back together again And you can read interviews with Glenn Fry Or the other guy Good stuff.

[198] Yeah, as you can tell we've done our research here And as I can tell you've read a lot of articles Because it really was Glenn Fry and the other guy.

[199] What was that?

[200] Oh, Don Henley.

[201] Yeah, that's okay.

[202] Don Hanley was, he was the heart of the band.

[203] Anyway, you've got to, this is really not.

[204] And can I just break in for a second?

[205] Because I do want to point out, if you are listening to this podcast because you want to get information about the coronavirus, you want useful tips, you should probably stop listening to it now.

[206] Because together, we are dumber than we are individually.

[207] And that's saying a lot.

[208] Yeah, this is an active hindrance in many ways.

[209] The government may come and shut us down.

[210] But on the other hand, that helpful information is also not available anywhere else.

[211] Oh, that's true.

[212] Yeah, who knows.

[213] Who knows what to do?

[214] Who knows what to do.

[215] I just said garlic.

[216] Garlic.

[217] Yeah, garlic.

[218] I don't even know how to hoard appropriately.

[219] I went and I just, I went to every store I could and I bought all the barbecue sauce.

[220] I bought all the barbecue sauce.

[221] I bought every kind of barbecue sauce.

[222] And this is when there was still lots of toilet paper and fresh water available.

[223] And I was knocking ladies over, old ladies, to get to the barbecue sauce.

[224] And they didn't even want the barbecue sauce.

[225] But I have hundreds and hundreds of bottles of barbecue sauce.

[226] And I've been drinking it.

[227] And my stool is a blue gel.

[228] Oh, my God.

[229] Yeah.

[230] I don't know what that's all about.

[231] That's unexpected.

[232] Yeah.

[233] I was hoarding old pocket watches.

[234] Yeah.

[235] That is such a gory thing to do.

[236] he's hoarding old railroad pocket watches.

[237] I've got them all.

[238] They can come to my door, but knock it down to get my pocket watches.

[239] And also all of you have all the Rutherford B. Hayes photographs.

[240] Yeah.

[241] Courted.

[242] So when the shit goes down, come here.

[243] I've got them.

[244] I'll know when the train's coming.

[245] I'll know when the train's coming in exactly what Rutherford B. Hayes look like.

[246] When the shit goes down, says Gourley.

[247] Also, you've got that Star Wars.

[248] blaster so you can wield that as if it were a real gun.

[249] That's all it does.

[250] Does it shoot anything?

[251] No, no, it's a full on replica.

[252] Bubbles don't come out the front?

[253] I wish.

[254] I did break out a 1 ,000 piece jigsaw puzzle last night.

[255] I saw that.

[256] So yeah, that's going to do it, I think, for the duration.

[257] Edward Gorey.

[258] And Edward Gorey.

[259] Oh, that's good.

[260] Is it a good jigsaw puzzle?

[261] I hate the ones that are just abstract shapes.

[262] Yeah, there are, believe it or not, there are lunatics, psychopaths, who will do like a monochromatic it's just one color it's all white or it's all black and i think same yeah yeah those those people uh well they deserve what they get yeah yeah i think that's true whatever befalls them yeah they will not be mourned there's no reward when you finish you're just looking at absence of something yeah exactly yeah exactly like this podcast when we're done we'll be looking at the absence of something we will have created a whole i said uh that the title of this episode uh was, you know, this is, Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[263] It is.

[264] It's just a special edition.

[265] I joked that Conner -O 'Brien doesn't need a friend, meaning we all have to stay away from each other.

[266] And, you know, that was sort of a riff.

[267] But I think in these times I do cherish that I have good friends.

[268] And I'm not with them now.

[269] I'm with you guys.

[270] But I'm glad that we could be together.

[271] And we're all at a safe distance from each other.

[272] Yeah, more or less.

[273] I have a lot of questions about this microphone.

[274] Yeah.

[275] I scrubbed it down.

[276] You really did?

[277] I did.

[278] All of this, yeah.

[279] Okay, that was very nice of you.

[280] Well, I didn't want anyone getting sick on my watch.

[281] That's not really, that's good.

[282] I'm, that's very nice of you.

[283] That's, uh, you're not being selfish.

[284] We need a lot of selfless behavior now.

[285] That's true.

[286] I'm going to double scrub it after you sons of bitches leave.

[287] Um, they say, of course, the big fear is, you know, if everyone were to get ill at the same time, what if they flooded the hospitals?

[288] Uh, this might be an awkward question, but as a celebrity, would I get, you know, sort of bumped up ahead of is that an awkward thing to ask?

[289] I just, I'm being completely honest here.

[290] Wouldn't they come to you?

[291] Wouldn't you be able to like hire some private respirator crew or something?

[292] I've been calling around about that and they say you need to be an A -lister.

[293] Oh.

[294] They have a real, yeah, apparently I'm a B -lister.

[295] They have a list.

[296] Oh, wow.

[297] I don't get special treatment.

[298] I get like slightly better treatment than other celebrity.

[299] They will not bring a ventilator to your house?

[300] No. They said they would bring garlic and onion.

[301] to my house.

[302] It's going to have to bring it.

[303] And then I realized it was Sona talking about it.

[304] I thought I was talking to the CDC.

[305] But no. No, no special bit.

[306] But, you know, normally on the show we say hi, the celebrity guest says, hi, I'm blank and I feel blank about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[307] And just for the fun of it, maybe we should do that now to create a sense of calm and continuity for the people out there that are looking to us as a port in the storm.

[308] So Handy Daily, would you like to do that right now?

[309] Yes, hi, I'm Andy Daley.

[310] I feel conveniently located to be Conan's friend.

[311] You were the first person we thought of regardless of proximity.

[312] It's funny, when I said you would be great for like an emergency podcast.

[313] I did say that to Adam Sacks and he said, yeah, I think we could get him.

[314] And then I find out that you, I think you didn't even have to take a step to get here.

[315] I think you rolled over onto your left side.

[316] Yeah.

[317] And you were in this house.

[318] And then I was in this house.

[319] He rents a room here.

[320] Yeah.

[321] Yeah.

[322] Yeah.

[323] And that's, you know, and I earned my keep by beautifying this home.

[324] That's right.

[325] You know, I did all this.

[326] It is lovely to talk to you in your actual speaking voice.

[327] Oh, really?

[328] If at any point a character wants to show up and tell us what he thinks of the coronavirus or whatever was going through.

[329] Well, I shot the coronavirus a couple nights ago.

[330] Who's it?

[331] What?

[332] Dalton Wilcox, poet laureate of the West.

[333] Oh, yes.

[334] You're the poet laureate of the West.

[335] That's right.

[336] A true frontiersman and a Westerner.

[337] That's right.

[338] I'm from the real West.

[339] Not this bullshit West you're living in.

[340] I'm from the real West.

[341] Well, this is as West as it gets here in the United States.

[342] But you know in your heart that that's not true.

[343] This isn't the real West.

[344] This isn't the real West.

[345] No. Okay.

[346] I mean, geographically, but that's not what matters.

[347] The West is in the heart.

[348] Okay.

[349] I think geographically is pretty much all that counts, but okay.

[350] Not when it comes to the West.

[351] Not when it comes to the West.

[352] So you said that you shot the coronavirus?

[353] I did.

[354] I shot it.

[355] How did you do that?

[356] Well, I was having a few drinks at my local saloon.

[357] What's the name of that saloon, sir?

[358] The spitting pot.

[359] The spitting pot?

[360] Yeah.

[361] That'll be a good place to avoid right now.

[362] No, sir.

[363] They've got a pot right in the middle, and anybody can spit into it, and you can spit whatever you want in there.

[364] Right.

[365] I'm just saying, given the current pandemic, probably to...

[366] Oh, no. You know going in, there's going to be some diseases there.

[367] That's been the case for a long time.

[368] So, so anyway, you, a lot of people are worried about what to do about the coronavirus.

[369] I know.

[370] You say that you took a shot at it.

[371] I know.

[372] I've been trying to tell people.

[373] It's dead.

[374] I shot it.

[375] People still running around buying toilet paper.

[376] Yeah.

[377] But what happened was I had had a number of drinks.

[378] And I attempted to order another one.

[379] A fellow behind the bar says to me, no, you need to settle up your tab first.

[380] And then I'll be happy to give you another drink.

[381] And I looked him dead in the eyes.

[382] And I said, are you the goddamn coronavirus?

[383] And?

[384] He said that he was.

[385] What?

[386] Really?

[387] Yep.

[388] What did he look like?

[389] Well, he said what monsters say whenever you ask him, are you a vampire, are you a mummy, whatever.

[390] He said, what are you talking about?

[391] Right, right.

[392] So that's all I needed to hear.

[393] Did he appear to you like the coronavirus?

[394] Did he appear like the coronavirus?

[395] Absolutely.

[396] Holding out his hand for money.

[397] Refusing to give me. another whiskey.

[398] I asked him for a whiskey in a broken glass.

[399] That's how I drank my whiskey.

[400] Well, that doesn't seem like a good idea.

[401] That'd be very sharp glass with a lot of pieces.

[402] You'd cut your lip.

[403] That's right.

[404] That's why a cowboy has a mustache.

[405] Oh, the cover the cuts on his lips.

[406] Cover up all the scars from all them glasses of whiskey in a broken glass.

[407] Got it.

[408] So it didn't sound like you did much research into whether this actually was the coronavirus.

[409] All you know is that...

[410] I did all the research I needed to do.

[411] A man behind a bar.

[412] I'm guessing the bartending.

[413] asked you to settle up your tab and ask for the money.

[414] That's right.

[415] And you said your conclusion, scientifically...

[416] No, no, no. You're skipping over the most important part.

[417] I asked him fair and square.

[418] Are you the goddamn coronavirus?

[419] And...

[420] And he said, what are you talking about?

[421] What do you expect the coronavirus to say?

[422] I guess the coronavirus wouldn't identify itself as...

[423] Of course not.

[424] Yeah.

[425] Never in hell.

[426] Anyway, I shot him in the heart with a silver bullet.

[427] Wow.

[428] Silver bullet.

[429] I thought those were for werewolves, but I guess, you know.

[430] Well, you know, yeah.

[431] That's why I have them in the gun.

[432] Yeah.

[433] You know what am I going to do?

[434] Swamp out my silver bullet for a regular one to shoot a non -wearwolf?

[435] I hadn't thought of that.

[436] It's inconvenient.

[437] Yeah, if you're ready for a werewolf and you got the silver bullet, yeah.

[438] You can't swap it out if a mummy comes in.

[439] You just got to use what you can.

[440] That's exactly right.

[441] Yeah.

[442] Wow.

[443] Yeah, and that'll kill a mummy just as good.

[444] Yeah.

[445] Well, anyway, you took care of the coronavirus.

[446] And so you don't see why people are so worried.

[447] No, I really don't.

[448] I wish people would understand it's dead.

[449] And you can get all the whiskey you want right now at the spitting pot.

[450] Just hit on down there.

[451] There's nobody tending the bar.

[452] No, I think you murdered the bartender, aka coronavirus.

[453] Yeah, not murdered.

[454] I saved us from.

[455] Yeah.

[456] Okay.

[457] All right.

[458] Did he have a weapon, a coronavirus?

[459] I think that fella keeps a baseball bat back there.

[460] All right, all right, all right.

[461] Well, that is the first symptom of the virus, of course, struck by a baseball bat.

[462] I don't know You tell me, Gourley Is this the right man to be talking to For any kind of In these times?

[463] Yes.

[464] We need a man like this.

[465] Well, you got them.

[466] Yeah.

[467] Because that's you.

[468] What?

[469] What?

[470] Oh, sorry.

[471] Wow.

[472] Simple logic failed you.

[473] Yeah, I get, I often do get confused.

[474] Yeah.

[475] Anyway, I'm going to aim along out of here because I hear that there's some vampires stocking up on Purell and Albertsons.

[476] Oh, you're going to go over there and take care of that business?

[477] I am.

[478] Absolutely.

[479] You know, absolute pleasure to have you here, Mr. Wilcox.

[480] Yep, I'm sure it is.

[481] Well, good luck to all of you.

[482] Yeah.

[483] And good luck to making a friend.

[484] Okay, well, thank you very much, Mr. Wilcox, and I suppose now there'll be some kind of sound of your boots walking out of the room.

[485] Sure.

[486] Try to remember, when you put that in, I'll put some spurs on there.

[487] Yeah, you can take care of that in the, 30 seconds you have to edit this thing before we put it out there.

[488] Snow, what do you think?

[489] Do you think we helped anybody there were having Mr. Wilcox step in?

[490] No. There was really no information there was there.

[491] And you don't, you're not confident that he helped stop the coronavirus.

[492] No, no, I don't think any of this is helping.

[493] Right, right.

[494] None of this is helping.

[495] We'll see, we'll see in the numbers.

[496] Hey, you're back.

[497] Oh, hi.

[498] Hey, good to see it.

[499] How did you go?

[500] God, you scare the shit out of me. How do you have a relationship?

[501] How does it, I mean, how?

[502] How does it work?

[503] What are you talking about?

[504] Who are you?

[505] I don't know where you are and where you end.

[506] I don't know how, you know.

[507] Yeah, that's how it works.

[508] Yeah.

[509] Yeah, you don't want to be in a relationship.

[510] What if one of your characters starts coughing, but you're not, you know?

[511] How do you know who's sick and who isn't?

[512] That would be wild.

[513] Yeah.

[514] Would that be crazy?

[515] If one of my characters had to go to the hospital, but I didn't.

[516] You'd be in good shape.

[517] Yeah, I'd be fine.

[518] We could do without that one character.

[519] God, yes, we could.

[520] Listen, we've gathered here together, and I'm repeating for anyone who just tuned in.

[521] Which doesn't happen on a podcast And I'm just saying that to irritate Gorley They love it here when I don't understand How podcasts work But hey, if you're just tuning in Let's say you just came out of a long tunnel And you got reception again And you're picking up on where we are I've never seen Andy Daily look more confused Andy I really don't understand podcasts I do think that their radio programs broadcasts through the air Right, yeah Isn't that what they are?

[522] Yeah, that's what I thought And so and my staff loves to give me the old Joshua Rue, which is Gwerley's, I guess, saying for kidding.

[523] Yeah.

[524] But anyway, if you're just tuning in or just coming out of a tunnel or just picking us up on...

[525] Well, maybe they're walking into a room that somebody else has been listening to the podcast.

[526] Right.

[527] So it is possible.

[528] And they see their look of disgust and they say, what are you listening to?

[529] And then they leave immediately.

[530] Yeah, and then they leave immediately.

[531] So now you're talking to someone who doesn't like this enough to listen to it themselves, but lives with someone who does.

[532] Yes.

[533] But even that person they live with who does is disgusted by this episode.

[534] Yeah.

[535] Yeah.

[536] So anyway, that's the point.

[537] And if you're listening, we've come together quickly.

[538] It is, well, it's coincidentally, I think, Friday the 13th.

[539] That's right.

[540] Yeah, it's Friday the 13th of March, uh, uh, so people are, it's getting a little weird out there.

[541] It sure is.

[542] People are, hunkering down, a lot of the late night shows, including my own.

[543] We've, we've all sort of gone dark, uh, for a while.

[544] And I think Broadway went dark.

[545] Yeah, L -E -U -S -D schools just closed right before we started recording this.

[546] Yeah.

[547] My kids are off school for a month.

[548] I know.

[549] My kids are off school, but everyone's panicked about me being around that.

[550] I'm not kidding.

[551] My wife, Liza, is horrified by the idea that I'm around.

[552] And last night, she and the kids were looking at me, and I had extra energy.

[553] And I was talking a lot.

[554] And they were all saying, we don't know.

[555] You have to go.

[556] somewhere.

[557] Is that why this happened?

[558] I think so.

[559] Oh, no. I think we're doing this because, and that's why I think I was eager to do it in Pasadena is they do want me out of the house.

[560] Because it takes longer to get here and back.

[561] Yes.

[562] And so I'll be gone for a good chunk of the day.

[563] And I came here on a horse.

[564] So I'm, I'm, I'm, but people were delighted that I was leaving the house today because I think that's going to be the biggest.

[565] Yeah, you can't go on tour like last time this happened.

[566] No, I can't go on tour.

[567] Yeah.

[568] You don't want to go stadiums full of people.

[569] No, no. Actually, I'd love that But it would be a selfish act on my part No, we must discourage people from gathering together Do you not, is there not like a run in the yard Where they could throw a ball for you?

[570] Just in this scenario, I'm a dog No, I'm just saying, that's what you do If you need to get somebody's energy out, you know Yeah, I guess specifically a dog Oh, you mean go outside of the area where I poop That area, right, back there Strip a lawn where they let me poop Yeah, yeah, sometimes I could, yeah So they have a line They have a long lead on me that retracts and goes out again.

[571] Perfect.

[572] Okay.

[573] If there was a way to put audience laughter and approval in one of those dog treat toys that you had to like forage around and get it out of there.

[574] Just approval.

[575] If they could put pure, if science could identify pure audience love and approval and put it in a little pellet and then they put it in one of those rubber toys.

[576] With some peanut butter.

[577] You don't even need the peanut butter.

[578] I will get around the peanut butter to get to the audience love and attention.

[579] You chew on that all day.

[580] I would chew on that all day.

[581] And then finally I'd bite into it and you'd hear applause.

[582] And I'd be like, and then I'd go into a blissful sleep.

[583] I want to take a second here and bring in someone who I asked to show up.

[584] He's someone who's worked at the show for a while now.

[585] And his name is David Hopping.

[586] And I wanted to bring in David Hopping because the word just came down yesterday that's okay we're in a very cramped area and Adam Sacks just keeps bumping into what appears to be a wet bar that you have in the corner I've noticed like three wet bars I think you're an alcoholic Yeah it's a problem in this house No there really are like in soap operas When someone's saying I've got to talk to you Jessica And they go to a little cart And there's bottles and little shot...

[587] Shot glasses And then the actor has some business of making a drink and saying, I've got to get control of evil co -industries and then takes a slug of the drink.

[588] You have like three of those carts.

[589] Amanda and I have a lot of dramatic moments where we need to punctuate it with it.

[590] It's like a bird and...

[591] Well, back to David Hopping.

[592] He works at the show.

[593] And how long have you been at the show, David?

[594] Almost three years now.

[595] Almost three years.

[596] And where are you from, David?

[597] Carlinville, Illinois.

[598] Okay, you're from Illinois, and you came to this city.

[599] Did you get off a bus holding two cardboard suitcases?

[600] I drove.

[601] I drove.

[602] Did you look up when you saw a skyscraper and go, Lordy, Lordy?

[603] I'd seen skyscrapers before.

[604] You had?

[605] I had.

[606] Okay.

[607] All right.

[608] Were you afraid of that moving room that we call the elevator?

[609] No. I had also been on elevators before.

[610] Okay.

[611] Well, all right.

[612] Very exotic part of the elevator.

[613] the Midwest you come from, apparently.

[614] I've traveled outside the Midwest before.

[615] Please, yeah, when you escaped, your minders.

[616] But here's my point.

[617] My point is, I wanted you on the show today because you have a specific frame of reference, which is I know for a fact that you go to Disneyland a lot.

[618] I do.

[619] And every time I see you, why don't you tell what it's like usually when I see you at the office?

[620] Well, I see you.

[621] You'll walk in, you'll ask, how my weekend was and I would say once maybe twice a month I'll say it was good I was at Disneyland I think it's more like three times a month I disagree it's excessive you go to Disneyland a lot I go a lot I don't think it's an excessive amount okay I think it's you go with your friends I go with my friends and you have a good time I have a great time yeah okay they've announced that Disneyland has closed I know today's the last day it's open Oh, what are you doing here?

[622] Yeah, what are you doing here?

[623] Well, you're halfway there.

[624] Anyway, so thanks.

[625] So this has got to be hard for you.

[626] I mean, that's why I wanted you here is I wanted to, I heard Disneyland close and I said, we've got to get David Hopping in here.

[627] Oh, yeah.

[628] Because this is hitting.

[629] Just to watch a man cry.

[630] Just to watch a man be very unhappy.

[631] What's it like to be in a room with a real Disney celebrity like me, the talking trash day?

[632] Yeah, it must be a big.

[633] Did you know that?

[634] I actually did not know that.

[635] the voice of push the talking trash can.

[636] Yeah, big time.

[637] Yeah.

[638] He was the voice.

[639] I guess, have you seen Push the Talking Tash?

[640] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[641] Because I don't know what it is.

[642] I have not been there since I was a child, I think, which is I thought when you were supposed to go.

[643] Well, if they serve alcohol now, so it's clearly meant for adults, too.

[644] Right.

[645] And not just alcohol, some people bring their own substances.

[646] We've learned from Sona to Disneyland.

[647] Really?

[648] Edibles.

[649] Oh, yeah.

[650] You need to just.

[651] just lean into a microphone.

[652] Yeah, we're in sort of an improvised studio.

[653] It's beautiful looking.

[654] Yes.

[655] So you've, you've, we've talked many times.

[656] You've had many edibles at Disneyland.

[657] Okay.

[658] All right.

[659] That's right.

[660] She's not.

[661] Yes.

[662] Yes.

[663] No, no, you're not giving Senate testimony.

[664] So on.

[665] Okay.

[666] You're not under oath.

[667] You're not getting Senate testimony.

[668] Yes, that is, that's true.

[669] I've brought edibles into Disneyland.

[670] David, do you mind telling us, What kinds of things do you do at Disneyland?

[671] What do you love so much about Disneyland and what are you going to miss so much about it?

[672] I'm not going to lie, I was.

[673] I did have one to two trips planned for next week.

[674] So you might have gone twice to Disneyland in one week?

[675] Yeah.

[676] Well, because I have different friend groups have passes.

[677] And sometimes, you know, the friend groups don't mesh well.

[678] So I was going to go one day with one group, another day with another.

[679] So you go sometimes with the Crips and sometimes with the bloc.

[680] I honestly don't know what you're.

[681] talking about.

[682] You seem like, you don't seem like the kind of guy who had, who would have friends that clash and rumble when they get together.

[683] Well, just like some don't get along as well with each other anyway.

[684] But that is amazing that you belong to two different friend groups that both have season passes to Disneyland.

[685] Yeah.

[686] And but, and don't get along with each other.

[687] Right.

[688] Yeah.

[689] Wow.

[690] That is, that is a, that is a, that is an really interesting fact.

[691] So I didn't even know that.

[692] This is interesting.

[693] So, uh, you were going to go.

[694] How do you go?

[695] And I'm asking, I'm honestly asking you this.

[696] Disneyland, yes, it's an amazing.

[697] place and find people at Disney you do an incredible job and you know my hat's off to you and I salute you and if there's a way to get some of that stock I'd take it as a gift depending on where it is now and where it's going and I have to talk to Mike Houton but my point is that I don't know how you go that many times and not get bored well I'll go some days we'll go and just do rides some days we'll go just walk around some days are all about the parades That's true.

[698] There's a new parade.

[699] Well, now there's not, but there was a new parade last week.

[700] Oh, is that right?

[701] What was the theme of that parade?

[702] Isn't it Moana?

[703] They have Moana in it.

[704] They have Frozen in it.

[705] I can't think of the name of it.

[706] Wait, wouldn't those be the people that are always in the parade?

[707] Yeah, but it's like new floats and they gave them new costumes.

[708] Doesn't sound that different to me. Sounds like the same effing parade.

[709] And they switched, they just, what, they gave Moana like a little captain's cap?

[710] I don't think Moana had ever been in a parade.

[711] Okay.

[712] I'm going to look into that.

[713] Okay.

[714] I have a feeling.

[715] I just don't.

[716] I don't.

[717] Sounds like the same parade as always.

[718] Well, you don't watch it every time.

[719] They gave her an eye patch.

[720] It's a different parade now.

[721] You know?

[722] I don't know.

[723] I don't play different music.

[724] Oh, okay.

[725] All right.

[726] All right.

[727] Slightly different chord progressions.

[728] Have you ever gone in costume?

[729] I have not.

[730] Uh -huh.

[731] I like that.

[732] They banned that for people over 14.

[733] Is that true?

[734] Yes, they did.

[735] I didn't know that.

[736] I'd love to know what was on the list of, you know, incidents that made them ban costumes.

[737] Wasn't it?

[738] Because also that the costume quality was getting so good, people were getting confused with the actual princesses and that sort of thing.

[739] Oh, yeah.

[740] So they've got unofficial princesses saying whatever they want.

[741] Yeah, right.

[742] Instead of the stuff that's been approved by Disney.

[743] Exactly.

[744] Right.

[745] So they had princesses walking around saying, build the wall.

[746] What?

[747] I also just told.

[748] We got enough tests, tests for everyone.

[749] We got plenty of tests.

[750] Anybody want an edible?

[751] Sona dressed up as a princess.

[752] Oh my God.

[753] You have like a cigarette box full of edibles.

[754] Just in the middle of the park at the castle with her edible box.

[755] So this is David.

[756] You are an example of, you know, the average Joe who's been affected by this coronavirus.

[757] Because your sole pleasure in life, Disneyland.

[758] has been shut down.

[759] Is that fair to say?

[760] I do other things.

[761] I don't think you do.

[762] I'm not putting you down.

[763] I think you spend it an amazing...

[764] I'm not.

[765] I'm saying your only pleasure in life is a child's amusement.

[766] I don't think that's putting you down.

[767] Stick to your guns.

[768] Okay.

[769] So what else will you do?

[770] What will take the place of Disneyland?

[771] Well, I'm supposed to go to Vegas next weekend, but I don't know now.

[772] How could Vegas not close?

[773] I don't know.

[774] I don't know.

[775] I mean, that is your spitbucket saloon.

[776] The good, the fine pot?

[777] Yeah.

[778] How is that not?

[779] Vegas would be, I mean, look, I don't want to cause any trouble or say anything untoward, but Disney, I mean, Disney closing, yes, that makes sense.

[780] Vegas closing, that really makes sense.

[781] They're real good about disinfecting those slot machines.

[782] Well, and I read that they closed all the buffets.

[783] There's just no buffets, but.

[784] Isn't that the only reason.

[785] To go to Vegas?

[786] I'm not a gambler.

[787] So I really, I used to mainly go for the $1 .99 buffet.

[788] That's why.

[789] What year did you go?

[790] How long did you go to Vegas?

[791] Well, I remember it was just after I disembarked from the USS Norfolk after the Korean War.

[792] Oh.

[793] And I went to, it was then, it was pretty new.

[794] It had had been a watering hole for GIs.

[795] But.

[796] It's just Bugsy Seagulls.

[797] Yeah.

[798] And my friend Bugsie Siegel said, you want to stop by my new place?

[799] And there was a $1 .99 buffet.

[800] Tell us about when they invented air conditioning.

[801] Well, I'll tell you.

[802] We used to have to, if you went to Washington, D .C. before air conditioning, it was rough.

[803] It was really rough.

[804] But then in the 40s, they came up with air conditioning, and suddenly we were passing laws in July and August.

[805] Is that what you're talking about?

[806] That's all I wanted.

[807] That's a good story, huh?

[808] Yeah.

[809] No, it wasn't the invention of air conditioning a major part of the success of Las Vegas?

[810] I don't know.

[811] I didn't do the reading before this required studying.

[812] Is that true?

[813] Maybe you know more than I do.

[814] John Henley touched on that one of his Rolling Stone interviews.

[815] The casinos cold so that people will continue gambling.

[816] I keep forgetting.

[817] I'm sorry.

[818] Anyway, I'm done.

[819] I said what I need.

[820] Wait, you.

[821] She pushes them.

[822] She pulls the mic towards her as she's finishing her speech.

[823] Then as she's pushing it away back towards David, she starts talking again.

[824] It's amazing.

[825] Between us and then we can just.

[826] You can do the lien.

[827] You can do a lean.

[828] I don't know.

[829] I'd like to provide some helpful advice to people, but it's really not what I do.

[830] Oh, boy.

[831] I don't think anyone looks to me for that.

[832] No, I don't think so.

[833] Wash your hands, I guess, is about.

[834] And, I mean, the thing that I, all tragic stuff aside, social distancing and self -quarantine is wonderful for me. I love it.

[835] It's speaking my language.

[836] It's a reason to celebrate.

[837] Yeah.

[838] I have an older brother who started self -quarantining in 1989.

[839] I talked to him today and he's like, I'm going so far ahead of this thing.

[840] He went into his room, like, sort of towards the end of the Golden Girls run.

[841] and he's like, I'm good.

[842] I'm totally good.

[843] So, yeah, he hasn't seen a new germ or pathogen since God knows when.

[844] Since Reagan was in office.

[845] So anyway, yeah, that's what you're supposed to do and be responsible.

[846] I had dinner plans tonight and then the people canceled them.

[847] And then they found out about the virus.

[848] I didn't see that one coming, did you?

[849] It's because they didn't want to eat with me. No, but it's one of those.

[850] I didn't see it coming.

[851] But now that it's happened, of course.

[852] Conan wouldn't say something real in this time.

[853] I saw in that video you did that you licked Jordan Slansky's face.

[854] Yeah, we did a video on the show where I was trying to, I guess, and David Hopping was in it and Sona was in it and Jordan Slansky was in it where I was trying to, you know, foe be helpful and give advice around the office that one that's online now but I as part of it yeah Jordan Slancy's being an incredible pompous ass just saying well this disease will not infect me and I said how do you know that and he went I take good care of the flora in my stomach canal I take multivitamins and I was like he was and I said oh then you won't mind if I lick your fend and so I ran my tongue up the side of his head yeah that's a win win yeah Yeah, it was like Licking a very high -end urinal tape Oh, the real good ones Like a really good one, so that's not a put down And what that had not been urinated on yet Maybe just a little But anyway, yeah So if I get it, it'll be because of that And there'll be footage of me getting the coronavirus And then we all have it No, you don't, I haven't touched any of you, no Well, but I mean, we're close proximity here It takes, I would have to start, I don't know, right?

[855] I think we're far enough away from each other.

[856] No. So what are we doing here?

[857] Why are we doing this?

[858] That means, like, well, we have to be quarantined together, then, if we all have it, to keep the podcast going.

[859] We'll just all be in our robes and respirators.

[860] You know what?

[861] Podcast production is going to go up 10 ,000 percent.

[862] I know.

[863] Because everyone with a podcast is just going to start saying, well, I'm still in my room.

[864] and I just, you know, watched the episode of whatever, Narcos, where such and such happens.

[865] The drugs are purchased.

[866] I guess that's a safe description.

[867] You've never heard a podcast.

[868] Podcasts are not people who just watched a show.

[869] Really?

[870] No. Well, tell me, help me. I don't know.

[871] I'm new to this.

[872] And I know that you're an expert on podcast.

[873] I'm an expert.

[874] But your new podcast is about people who have just watched.

[875] to show.

[876] That's a good point.

[877] Yeah.

[878] Wait a minute.

[879] I accidentally just, what is your new podcast?

[880] I'm back.

[881] Oh.

[882] Oh, so when Andy says something stupid, he just can just disappear.

[883] No, I've come back.

[884] Do you know there's a horse outside?

[885] I, yeah.

[886] One of you fuckers came here in a horse.

[887] I did.

[888] You did?

[889] Yeah, my family wanted me to take a horse so I'd be gone longer.

[890] You're kidding me. No, I came, uh, yeah, all the way from the west side of L .A., all the way here to Pasadena my old horse.

[891] Wow.

[892] Butter scotch.

[893] Well, I just set him free.

[894] Yeah.

[895] No, I need that horse to get home.

[896] Well, you'll have to find another horse.

[897] But anyways, yeah, I have a new podcast.

[898] It's called Bananas for Bonanza.

[899] Oh, really?

[900] It's coming soon to the Ears Wolf in around about the end of April.

[901] Oh, that sounds terrific.

[902] We watch an episode of Bonanza, and then we talk about it.

[903] Oh.

[904] And the only problem with it is that there's only 431 episodes of Bonanza.

[905] So we are going to run out.

[906] But anyways, I heard you talking about your podcast and all the other.

[907] I thought I'd come in here.

[908] Just after setting that horse free, I was out there trying to start a fire on your front porch.

[909] And I thought I'd come in here.

[910] So this is a podcast where you talk about episodes of Bonanza.

[911] That's right.

[912] You watch episodes of Bonanza.

[913] Classic, I'm going to take a stab at this.

[914] I think I'm right.

[915] Bonanza went on the air in 1959.

[916] That's Korea.

[917] And I think it went off the air in 1974.

[918] 73.

[919] 73.

[920] Wow.

[921] But you got to admit.

[922] Not bad, right?

[923] And you know why I know that?

[924] Why?

[925] Because of my brother.

[926] who's self -quarantined in 1989, he knows everything about Bonanza.

[927] Is that right?

[928] We got to have him on as a guest.

[929] He'd come on the show, yeah.

[930] Yeah, I mean, by phone, I guess.

[931] Well, he ain't going to leave that room.

[932] He might for this.

[933] Really?

[934] This might be what does it.

[935] Love to have him on.

[936] Yeah.

[937] If he's a real expert on Bonanza.

[938] Yeah.

[939] So there's a lot of episodes of Bonanza.

[940] No, there's only 431.

[941] Okay.

[942] You wish there were more, don't you?

[943] Oh, my God.

[944] I can't believe it.

[945] I can't believe they stopped in 1973.

[946] Why?

[947] Only one of them had died.

[948] that's right we we well and one of them had left the show Adam had left the show as played by Pernell Roberts yeah yeah and uh Dan Blocker who played Haas of course Dan Blocker who played Haas of course died of a lung aneurism I don't know why a long aneurism I believe it was a lung aneurysm oh a lung clot I thought you said a long aneurism like that he had a long aneurism it started in I think 62 yeah I don't know riffing about the death of Dan Blocker that's not going to dance anywhere that's going to probably come out.

[949] Well, no one else is doing it.

[950] At least you have a niche.

[951] You know what?

[952] Exactly.

[953] You know what I mean?

[954] It's not like I'm going to get an angry phone call from Bill Burr.

[955] You took my damn blocker riff, you son of a bitch.

[956] No, I'm I think I'm in safe territory there.

[957] Great actor, great man. I'm looking forward to that podcast.

[958] I'll give it a listen.

[959] Yep.

[960] You're going to enjoy it.

[961] Well, I may. I may not.

[962] Yeah.

[963] There's a lots of Chinese and Native American savages and Mexicans on the show and they're depicted very respectfully.

[964] Wait, this is on Bonanza.

[965] On Bonanza.

[966] Yeah.

[967] Always.

[968] Always depicted very respectfully.

[969] I'm sure.

[970] And they don't make the mistake of casting actual Native Americans as the Native Americans.

[971] Yeah, of course.

[972] Of course.

[973] Who would do that?

[974] Who would do that?

[975] Many TV shows in the 60s, true story, like F -Troop, I grew up watching these shows, and they would depict Native Americans, and then afterwards, I never really noticed it, but then later on, I noticed one day I watched the credits, and all the Native Americans were played by Italian men.

[976] It was all like, you know, by Vincenzo Al Dore.

[977] Well, a real Native American doesn't read like one on screen.

[978] You've got to get the Italians to really sell it.

[979] Okay, yeah.

[980] Well, you sound like a very nuanced guy.

[981] I'm glad that this podcast is in your hands.

[982] I'm a modern man. Yeah.

[983] Well, I'm headed, I back out to the porch that cook myself some beans.

[984] I got a campfire going.

[985] You tried to set it on fire.

[986] No, no. I'm just getting a little campfire going on your front porch, cook up some beans.

[987] Okay.

[988] All right.

[989] Is that all you eat?

[990] Primarily beans?

[991] That's all I. Have you ever had a vegetable?

[992] Is beans a vegetable?

[993] No, it's not, sir.

[994] Then no, I have not.

[995] Okay.

[996] Well, anyway, we're going to move on now.

[997] All right.

[998] Matt Gourley, jump in here.

[999] Or, Sona, maybe you can jump in.

[1000] What are ways that I can help during this time?

[1001] You guys know me well.

[1002] Sona, what do you think I could do to help out in this time?

[1003] Or is this a time where Conan should just go away?

[1004] Well, you're kind of doing your part.

[1005] You're taking your trade for the public good and doing a podcast and giving for free.

[1006] I was going to say money.

[1007] I don't know what about money.

[1008] Let's go back to what Matt was saying.

[1009] I agree with Sona now.

[1010] No, Matt, really, you were really on to something there.

[1011] Yeah, I take that back.

[1012] I was going to say donate to something, but I don't know what.

[1013] I don't know where I would, I don't know where you buy a respirator.

[1014] I, you know, I don't know.

[1015] what I just Oh my god you're coming in with a pretty hot energy Yeah big time Ready?

[1016] Yeah I was just thinking Maybe I would ask Like my Facebook friends Does anybody have like elderly relatives out here That I could run errands for I love to run errands Do you know what's funny You used comedic energy Yes And kind of a comedic voice To say something That actually sounds helpful That was the weird That was cool Fool people into thinking Oh I'm gonna listen Because here comes a joke And it was just good advice Yeah you put a little Yeah you put a little sort of hazelnut chocolate around a piece of medicine.

[1017] I just said a piece of medicine.

[1018] And hazelnut chocolate, when we might have just said Nutella.

[1019] I know.

[1020] I'm sorry.

[1021] God.

[1022] I'm not on my A game.

[1023] I'm telling you that.

[1024] It's wonderful.

[1025] But I think that's a very good idea.

[1026] Helping out the elderly.

[1027] Yeah.

[1028] Or the immunocompromised.

[1029] No. Right?

[1030] Could do that.

[1031] Yeah.

[1032] That's a really good idea.

[1033] You can also Skype with elderly people if they're alone and lonely.

[1034] But I know my parents don't know how to Skype.

[1035] And we've, well, you could call them, I guess.

[1036] Yeah.

[1037] I know.

[1038] No, it's just, it's true.

[1039] It's, it's, but, uh, like I called my parents and, uh, you know, they're, they're fine.

[1040] They're, they're good, but, but if I, I know that we've tried to set up Skype before.

[1041] And it's a complete mystery.

[1042] And I probably shouldn't be the one explaining it to them.

[1043] Do they have FaceTime?

[1044] Because that's very easy on an iPhone or iPad.

[1045] Yeah, they, if someone else is setting it up and everything, they can handle that.

[1046] They can handle the, and, and that's how they like to see the.

[1047] grandchildren.

[1048] In fact, it's the only way they like to see the grandchildren.

[1049] When my grandchildren are in the room, they'll only look at them if they're Skyping them.

[1050] That's a true story.

[1051] It's not really.

[1052] I just said that.

[1053] So then I want you to chime in.

[1054] It's been a while and you're having a free sparkling water and you should earn it.

[1055] You know, what are you doing?

[1056] What are you doing to help out the people around you?

[1057] Oh, I'm not.

[1058] I'm not helping anybody.

[1059] I'm, uh, yesterday I made a bolognaise sauce and that took me some time.

[1060] You said you had to go to like three grocery stores.

[1061] I went to like, like, grocery stores.

[1062] Not, you know, a lot of stuff was gone.

[1063] And so I drove around and got my ingredients, then went home and made the sauce.

[1064] And that's what I've done so far.

[1065] If anyone out there needs barbecue sauce, I have all of it.

[1066] I went and hoarded all the barbecue sauce.

[1067] You're not going to sell that barbecue sauce at a very highly inflated price.

[1068] Profiteering.

[1069] Yes.

[1070] I'm going to wait until everyone wants to barbecue and then they're going to have to come to Coensies -O 'Brien's.

[1071] It's quite brilliant because when the grid goes down, people are going to have to, like, barbecue found game and shit like that.

[1072] Oh, and there you are.

[1073] I've got it all.

[1074] Oh, my God.

[1075] Everyone else was busy grabbing tissues and sanitizers and thermometers.

[1076] I got all of the barbecue sauce.

[1077] You're thinking way ahead.

[1078] Yeah.

[1079] I'm one of those guys that plays, they're all playing checkers.

[1080] Mm -hmm.

[1081] And I'm playing something that's more advanced than checkers.

[1082] Foley.

[1083] Yeah.

[1084] Ticto?

[1085] Chinese checkers.

[1086] No, there's a game that's also in a grin.

[1087] I'm not calling Tron No Anyway we'll figure it out If you're listening now You can call in Because I again Don't understand what a podcast is Just some Barbecue sauce has alcohol in it So it's almost like a sanitizer Too I used to buy barbecue sauce early on Because of the alcohol When I went through a very dark thing Just drink it I would drink it When I couldn't You know Yeah There's some bourbon in there Yeah.

[1088] Mm, yeah.

[1089] This is a treat.

[1090] We do have an expert on travel.

[1091] Mr. August Lint.

[1092] Yeah, that's me. Hello.

[1093] And you are an expert traveler, is that right?

[1094] Absolutely.

[1095] I'm an expert traveler, not by design, but only because I work in a pretzel factory in Dusseldorf.

[1096] Uh -huh.

[1097] And we get, you know, our boss gives us about 10 months of vacation every year.

[1098] You get 10 months of vacation a year?

[1099] Sometimes, sometimes a little bit more.

[1100] But when it's like when the boss is really cracking the whip, it's 10 months.

[1101] So pretzels are not that hard to make.

[1102] That's what I'm sort of guessing here.

[1103] Well, no pretzels.

[1104] What I do is I inspect the salt.

[1105] I'm the salt inspector for the pretzels.

[1106] I see.

[1107] Sometimes you say this grain of salt is not good enough for a pretzel, or this grain of salt is too good for the pretzels, or this one is just right.

[1108] Uh -huh.

[1109] And then, so you do that, and then you get all that time off.

[1110] Yeah, that's a pretty good deal.

[1111] Yeah, and I go on vacations.

[1112] And I have never been anywhere in the world that I did not love.

[1113] That seems hard to believe.

[1114] No, but it's true.

[1115] Every place is wonderful.

[1116] I've been to war -torn regions.

[1117] I've been to standing -room -only prisons.

[1118] Wait a minute.

[1119] You had a good time at a standing -room -only prison.

[1120] Yes, it was wonderful, because after three days there, someone let me use the toilet hole, and I thought, this is humanity.

[1121] Okay.

[1122] I went to Chernobyl, you know, that whole area.

[1123] Wait, why did you go to Chernobyl?

[1124] Because I wanted to see the radioactive wolves, which are really running wild all around there.

[1125] Can you tell their radioactive?

[1126] But you can't tell when they bite you.

[1127] That is not a regular bite of a wolf.

[1128] It's different.

[1129] How is it different?

[1130] Because your spine tingles.

[1131] It's very different.

[1132] It's really wild.

[1133] You get an electric shot from the wolf.

[1134] It's not quite electricity.

[1135] It's something else.

[1136] I can only say you have to experience it.

[1137] That's amazing that you would go to.

[1138] Chernobyl and still say that it was wonderful.

[1139] It was fantastic.

[1140] You've got to go.

[1141] No, I don't.

[1142] I don't want to be bitten by a radioactive wolf.

[1143] I wish I could recommend a restaurant there, but it's like nothing.

[1144] There's nothing there.

[1145] There's nothing.

[1146] You just have to sort of dig up roots and things like that to eat.

[1147] Yeah.

[1148] And is the food, the roots would be affected, though.

[1149] Oh, certainly.

[1150] Yes.

[1151] The radiation has seeped into the soil for centuries.

[1152] It will take forever for it to be.

[1153] So, yes, it's fascinating to eat in a radiated root.

[1154] Yeah.

[1155] So if you ate like a carrot there, what would?

[1156] How would it be different?

[1157] Well, I can tell you.

[1158] You don't have to talk hypothetically.

[1159] I hate a carrot.

[1160] Oh, yeah.

[1161] Yeah.

[1162] And did the carrot appear different when you looked at it?

[1163] Yes, it looked very different.

[1164] Yes, it seemed to have a personality.

[1165] It's the only way that I can really express it.

[1166] It was fearful.

[1167] And, yeah, my teeth turned purple and fell out.

[1168] Good God.

[1169] Did the carrot make a noise when you bit into it?

[1170] Yeah, it was sort of a high -pitched wine and then a pop.

[1171] A pop, okay, okay.

[1172] Well, I don't, I think it was a bad idea to go to Chernobyl.

[1173] I do.

[1174] Well, you're wrong.

[1175] It was wonderful, and I would go again in a heartbeat if my heart was still beating in the sort of normal way we expect them to.

[1176] So, all right, so you've been to, you just said a standing room -only prison, you've been to irradiated Chernobyl, any other places you've been, because right now people are afraid to travel.

[1177] Oh, yes.

[1178] People are afraid to travel right now because of the coronavirus.

[1179] Do you think that that's a mistake?

[1180] Are people being overly cautious?

[1181] This is the perfect time to travel.

[1182] It is the perfect time to travel.

[1183] The deals right now are unbelievable.

[1184] Particularly for cruises.

[1185] Okay.

[1186] This is the time to take a cruise.

[1187] I don't think it is.

[1188] It is absolutely the time.

[1189] I could not disagree more.

[1190] Listen, I was just on a cruise.

[1191] Okay, and right now I'm supposed to be on a military base in California, But I said, you know what.

[1192] Wait, you were on the, you got off that cruise and you didn't go into quarantine?

[1193] No, I didn't want to do that.

[1194] I thought, you know what, that cruise was so magnificent that I think it would be a letdown to be on a military base.

[1195] The thing is, it's not a choice.

[1196] You have to go to the military base.

[1197] That is exactly what they sold me. That's so funny.

[1198] You're saying just what they said.

[1199] Yes, because it's the law.

[1200] You have to go.

[1201] You're saying exactly.

[1202] Yes, that's what they said.

[1203] That's so funny.

[1204] How did you get out?

[1205] because there are, there's, there's, there's, uh, fences and there's people there to make sure that you stay in.

[1206] Yeah, well, I have escaped from all kinds of places in my life.

[1207] I bring along a pickaxe and a shovel.

[1208] You always have that with you.

[1209] I always have a pickaxe and a shovel.

[1210] Okay, all right.

[1211] So I just dug underneath the military base.

[1212] It was fine.

[1213] Okay, so you, uh, you were on the cruise ship and you think this is a good time to go on a cruise.

[1214] It was fantastic to be cooped up for an unknown amount of time with all of these passengers and just to watch the mood go from, Yes, it's wonderful.

[1215] This is the cruise of a lifetime, too.

[1216] We're going to die here.

[1217] Okay, but I...

[1218] It's fascinating to see that progression.

[1219] You're the only person I've heard who thinks that that was an enjoyable experience.

[1220] Well, but...

[1221] So far.

[1222] It was really great, and, you know, the entertainers, you know, had to put on shows.

[1223] They made them put on shows.

[1224] They didn't want to.

[1225] To watch a band who is reluctantly performing for people who don't want to be on a boat anymore, just to watch their eyes.

[1226] It's wonderful.

[1227] At a certain point, the crew had to suppress us with pepper spray.

[1228] And that was fun.

[1229] Yes.

[1230] Okay.

[1231] So you're, I just want to break in and say, I disagree with Mr. Lint.

[1232] How can you?

[1233] Well, because I don't think this is the best time to go in a cruise.

[1234] I think this is exactly what we shouldn't be doing.

[1235] And I'm sorry.

[1236] You have not made your case.

[1237] Okay.

[1238] I'm getting myself on a new cruise.

[1239] Okay, I do you think, where's the next cruise going?

[1240] It's just going to sort of tour around Italy and do the sort of go through the canals and whatnot.

[1241] A cruise doesn't, those big boats can't go through the canals.

[1242] Oh, it can't fit.

[1243] It doesn't need to be that big because from what I understand, I'm the only person that's signed up for it so far.

[1244] Okay, so you think it's possible you'll be the only person on this cruise?

[1245] Yes, I have to find a captain.

[1246] You're looking to hire out of your own, Out of your own pocket, your own captain.

[1247] Yeah, right.

[1248] Okay.

[1249] Okay.

[1250] I'm going to hire a captain, and I'm going to take a cruise through Italy.

[1251] Wherever there is water, I will cruise it.

[1252] Okay.

[1253] Well, I got to say you have a very low bar, in my opinion, for a good vacation.

[1254] I don't agree.

[1255] It's just that I've literally never been anywhere I didn't love.

[1256] Okay.

[1257] So everywhere you go, you had a good time.

[1258] Yeah, I think that's basically true.

[1259] Yeah, yeah, it's really good.

[1260] I've even been to Disneyland I've even been through that hell You went to Disneyland You went to the hell of Disneyland Doorbell you hear in the background is the actual doorbell of Matt Gourley Someone is for real Coming by this whole Yes but you stay in character I love what you're doing This'll be great I want to interact with whoever that is Yeah Well who was that That was the CDC coming to get you Oh shit No really?

[1261] No that's not nice All right well look That'll be fine It would be interesting to be quarantined on a military base on the threat of being shot.

[1262] Yeah, I don't think you should have escaped quarantine.

[1263] I think you should go back.

[1264] Yes.

[1265] You're endangering people around.

[1266] Oh, I have all of the symptoms of the virus.

[1267] Oh, you do?

[1268] Yes.

[1269] Okay.

[1270] I have all of them.

[1271] What are they?

[1272] They are just sort of like enjoying your life.

[1273] What?

[1274] A wonderful time.

[1275] Okay.

[1276] I have a fever of a hundred and nine.

[1277] Okay, that's not good.

[1278] Yeah.

[1279] That's not good at all.

[1280] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1281] But anyway, it's good to talk to you guys.

[1282] Does anybody want to back up?

[1283] No, I don't want a back rub.

[1284] A facial massage?

[1285] No, I don't want a facial massage.

[1286] I'm very good at massaging faces.

[1287] Yeah, I'm sure you are.

[1288] Well, have you been anywhere that you slightly didn't enjoy?

[1289] Was there one place that you didn't quite enjoy?

[1290] Of all the places you've been that you loved, was there one place that just didn't quite make the place.

[1291] There was, I was in a...

[1292] Are you offended by me doing this voice?

[1293] What voice?

[1294] You're finally speaking normally.

[1295] I was in a biodome for a while.

[1296] And you didn't like that?

[1297] No, I didn't like it very much.

[1298] No. It was only because the spirit of the people there was so much like, we're all in this together.

[1299] I thought it would be interesting, you know, over time to see people go crazy.

[1300] But they had specifically chosen these people to be very even killed.

[1301] And so it was really uneventful.

[1302] It was an eventful.

[1303] We were far.

[1304] It was a self -sustaining little community.

[1305] And I thought, where is the madness?

[1306] When will it come?

[1307] Have you had any, well, I don't like to pry, but any sort of sexual adventures when you travel?

[1308] Yeah, sure.

[1309] I mean, sometimes you have to, you know, to get out of a jam, you have to have some kind of sex.

[1310] I don't even know what that means.

[1311] You mean you use sex as a way to escape a predicament.

[1312] Oh, yeah, sure, yeah.

[1313] I mean, look, of course you bring along travelers' checks, you bring along some extra cash, You bring along some chocolate But at a certain point It's like, well, I have to offer the blow jobs Okay So sometimes that happens I was once involved in a slag heap avalanche Oh really?

[1314] A slag heap had Crumbled down upon a village And all of us were trapped in there And so, yeah, to get out, you know, To be one of the people That went through the Crow Space Tunnel You had to get to the front of that and it was all about the blowjubs.

[1315] Okay, okay, okay.

[1316] Well, all right.

[1317] Is that not this kind of podcast?

[1318] I don't know.

[1319] Would you prefer if I said hand jobs?

[1320] No, no, no, no. I think you said your reality.

[1321] That's for sure.

[1322] And that took bravery.

[1323] Oh, yeah.

[1324] Yeah.

[1325] No problem.

[1326] You're welcome.

[1327] Well, Mr. Lint, your full name again?

[1328] It's August Lint.

[1329] August Lint, yes.

[1330] And you've traveled pretty much, is there anywhere you haven't been in the world that you'd like to try and check out?

[1331] I would be interested to visit the Mariana's Trench.

[1332] Okay.

[1333] It's the deepest part, I think.

[1334] It's the deepest part of the ocean.

[1335] Yeah.

[1336] You want to go to the bottom of it?

[1337] I want to get all the way to the bottom of the Mariana's Trench.

[1338] Okay.

[1339] But there's no returning from there.

[1340] Yeah.

[1341] Because the pressure would crush you.

[1342] Yeah, it would crush you, yes.

[1343] It would atomize you.

[1344] I think so, yeah.

[1345] Yeah, yeah.

[1346] So that might be maybe the last place I go.

[1347] That's the last thing you do will be to go to the Mariana's trench.

[1348] Perhaps, yeah.

[1349] Yeah, yeah.

[1350] Well, once so, yeah.

[1351] The water pressure, there's nothing that can save you from that.

[1352] I guess that's right.

[1353] There's no, no blowjob will get you out of that predicament.

[1354] Well, I mean, I try it.

[1355] It's versus a try.

[1356] We don't know if there's like Atlanteans and Merman down there.

[1357] Okay, okay.

[1358] But you're probably right.

[1359] Yeah, probably right.

[1360] Blot job can't save you from there.

[1361] August, Lint, the man who's been never been anywhere he hasn't thoroughly enjoyed and loved.

[1362] Yep, that's true.

[1363] Except kind of maybe that biodome.

[1364] Yeah, the biodome, yeah, that was too responsible in studios.

[1365] Well, again, I have to disagree with yet another one of these odd characters that's come in.

[1366] I don't think this is a good time to jump on a cruise ship.

[1367] Oh, it's a perfect time.

[1368] Couldn't disagree more.

[1369] I'm sorry, Mr. Lint.

[1370] No, what you should do is you should collect up as many ventilators as you can and get on a cruise ship.

[1371] Okay, I'm, again, don't write any of this down.

[1372] This is terrible.

[1373] There's a bean cookout.

[1374] on the front porch.

[1375] So I'm going to go out there and have some beans.

[1376] Yes, there's a cowboy out there.

[1377] Yeah, there's a cowboy in the front porch.

[1378] Yeah, why don't you go and visit with a cowboy?

[1379] Okay.

[1380] And then if you see Andy Daley, would you send him on back?

[1381] I guess.

[1382] Okay.

[1383] Okay, boy.

[1384] All right, bye.

[1385] Let me just quickly mention that Andy Daley, obviously, a hilarious, talented gentleman, I've had the privilege to know for quite a long time, is going to be on, if you're liking his madness and who doesn't, is going to be on the three questions with Andy Richter on March 24th.

[1386] Oh, boy.

[1387] That's coming up soon.

[1388] So Andy Richter's podcast, he'll be on that.

[1389] And I'm sure that will be quite a good time.

[1390] You know, listen to that.

[1391] Oh, yeah.

[1392] Hey, Andy, how are you?

[1393] I'm good.

[1394] The German fellow sent me in.

[1395] Yeah.

[1396] He had really bad advice, I have to say.

[1397] Oh.

[1398] We've had two gentlemen in a row with terrible, terrible.

[1399] Yes, a cowboy and a traveling man. I don't know, I hope we've done some good here.

[1400] If not, you know, press delete.

[1401] Is that something you can do with the podcast?

[1402] I suppose you could, yeah.

[1403] Yeah, no harm, no foul.

[1404] It never happened.

[1405] Yeah, there you go.

[1406] Yeah.

[1407] It is starting to rain now, which I only mentioned because we're in Southern California and that never happens.

[1408] People in California, when it starts raining lightly, they act as if lava is spilling from the sky, raining down upon them.

[1409] And so that's the same.

[1410] sound you're hearing in the background is this slight pitter -patter of rain on this beautiful home Matt Gourley, beautiful house.

[1411] I think the rain is part of it.

[1412] This is all manufactured.

[1413] Yeah.

[1414] I think you have a rain machine out there.

[1415] It's gorgeous.

[1416] Good investment.

[1417] Yeah, it was good.

[1418] You bought it from the producers of the notebook.

[1419] So that you can kiss on the rain whenever you need to.

[1420] This has been I think this has been a fun time.

[1421] I'm glad we got together.

[1422] We didn't stand too close to each other so I think we've been responsible we've washed our hands so are you good at washing your hands a lot these days I always have been yeah I'm a big hand washer yeah I don't like the feeling of gross dirt on my hands right I don't know I'm wearing two catchers mitts yeah I've been walking around with those it makes tuning the radio very difficult that's right I said tuning the radio again a man trapped in the late 50s who wasn't even born then David, what do you think?

[1423] Do you think we accomplished anything good today?

[1424] We got the word out about Disneyland being closed.

[1425] You didn't know about Disneyland, you know now.

[1426] Yeah.

[1427] And I hope you do find other things to do with your time.

[1428] Thank you.

[1429] Probably a lot of Netflix.

[1430] Yeah.

[1431] Are there other places to get that dolewip?

[1432] I guess you can try to...

[1433] I don't know what that is.

[1434] You go to the Tiki room and they've got this dolewip ice cream and it's like it's a whole reason anyone goes to Disneyland.

[1435] Do you like the dole whip ice cream?

[1436] It's good.

[1437] Yeah.

[1438] I guess we can try to make our own.

[1439] We're going to have a lot of time.

[1440] Wait, you're going to watch Netflix and not Disney Plus?

[1441] Oh.

[1442] Well, I have both.

[1443] Okay, good.

[1444] Yeah.

[1445] I'll probably go back and forth.

[1446] Yeah, the hardships we go through in the pandemic.

[1447] I might have to eat some dolewip in front of Netflix.

[1448] No one was saying that in the last century.

[1449] Matt Goreley, you know, the idea here again to try and put some good cheer out there.

[1450] the regular show Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[1451] A new episode is going to drop this Monday with our good friend Will Arnett.

[1452] Oh, it's a good one.

[1453] Yeah, it was really funny.

[1454] So if you're sequestered at home and looking for something to do and you want to laugh, Will Arnett is absolutely hilarious and that'll drop.

[1455] Did I say drop?

[1456] It'll drop.

[1457] That'll drop.

[1458] That's my, yeah, Ted Kennedy.

[1459] That'll, or Mayor Quimby, whatever you want.

[1460] That'll drop on this Monday.

[1461] And it also includes the return of the much -beloved podcast quiz.

[1462] That's right.

[1463] We have another podcast quiz, and I won't say anything about it other than that I'm enraged.

[1464] So I'll be looking for that.

[1465] So this has been our special kind of coronavirus quarantine episode of Cone Robine Needs a Friend.

[1466] Look for the regular one on Monday with Will Arnett.

[1467] And much thanks to Mr. Andy Daly.

[1468] No, thank you.

[1469] He's never had a real word with any of his children.

[1470] Sonam of Sessian, of course.

[1471] Yes.

[1472] I don't know what I'm saying.

[1473] Your Senate hearing is over.

[1474] David Hopping, thank you, David.

[1475] Adam Sacks for putting this all together at the last second.

[1476] Of course, Matt Gourley, for having us into your extraordinarily beautiful home.

[1477] Thanks for coming.

[1478] And much thanks to your lovely wife, Amanda, for making this available to us.

[1479] and uh yeah on a quick serious note everyone take care of themselves uh just be sensible be calm uh wash your hands and um we'll uh we'll talk to you soon bye conan o 'brien needs a friend with sona msessian and conan o 'brien as himself produced by me matt goarly executive produced by adam sacks and jeff ross at team cocoa and colin anderson and chris bannon at earwolf theme song by the white stripes incidental music by by Jimmy Vivino.

[1480] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[1481] The show is engineered by Will Beckton.

[1482] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review featured on a future episode.

[1483] Got a question for Conan?

[1484] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

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[1487] This has been a Teen Coco production in association with Earwolf.