Armchair Anonymous: Funeral

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[3] Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous.

[4] You got it right.

[5] I'm Pete Husky.

[6] I'm joined by Barbara Sanders.

[7] Babi.

[8] Let me think if you can listen to this one today.

[9] Yeah.

[10] Okay.

[11] If you're afraid of funerals, Or death.

[12] Oh, but let me tell you something.

[13] You cannot spell funeral without fun, F -U -N.

[14] Wow.

[15] That comes from some...

[16] No, there's some album or song from the 90s, some alternative band that somehow...

[17] Wow.

[18] I mean, I know when you assume you make an ass out of you and me...

[19] Mm -hmm.

[20] But you cannot spell funeral without fun.

[21] So today's episode is the craziest thing that has happened at a funeral, and we get a surprise story for Mary Weekly and I. That's right.

[22] So please enjoy.

[23] You're free to listen.

[24] No warnings.

[25] Hard times.

[26] Come and go.

[27] Take them slow.

[28] I had them both.

[29] I've got to know.

[30] I'm going to keep on shining.

[31] Hello.

[32] So Annette.

[33] Yes.

[34] Nice to meet you.

[35] Where are you at?

[36] I am in West Virginia, but like real close to Maryland.

[37] Okay.

[38] Do you have any cider mills out that way?

[39] And if so, are you frequenting them this time of year?

[40] I'm right next to wine country, so we've got a ton.

[41] Fun.

[42] You look so snuggly.

[43] I know.

[44] It's really cold.

[45] They keep it like zero degrees in here.

[46] It's probably a frigid 72 in here, if I'm being honest about what I think the temp is.

[47] It's not at all bad.

[48] So something interesting slash crazy happened while you were attending a funeral.

[49] Yeah.

[50] So I was 19 at the time.

[51] I'm 37 now.

[52] You want to do some fast math?

[53] Yeah, 18 years ago.

[54] Wow.

[55] There we go.

[56] So we should preface with no social media yet.

[57] Well, it was just like MySpace, but I think I was too cool to be on MySpace.

[58] Not me. I was right on it.

[59] You might have ran into Dax on MySpace.

[60] You could have ran into me for sure.

[61] I was prowling it.

[62] Okay.

[63] I'm in college.

[64] It's like, I think my sophomore year.

[65] And I'm five and a half hours away.

[66] I get a call for my mom.

[67] mom.

[68] She's like, are you sitting?

[69] Your cousin Tisha passed away.

[70] I'm like, what happened?

[71] She's like, she was a passenger on a motorcycle.

[72] Oh, gosh.

[73] And died on impact.

[74] Don't stare at me like that, Monica.

[75] I was staring at you too.

[76] Yeah.

[77] He's going to go ride motorcycle.

[78] Guys, for the record, I have killed no passengers.

[79] Okay, but you still you.

[80] Okay.

[81] Well, just wait.

[82] So I'm devastated.

[83] Her and I, we were five months apart.

[84] We look a lot alike.

[85] A lot of people thought we were sisters.

[86] And A couple days go by, I called my mom, and I'm like, so when's the viewing?

[87] When's the funeral?

[88] She's like, well, your aunt, Tisha's mom really thinks it's best if we don't have a funeral or viewing.

[89] She really didn't believe in God.

[90] This wouldn't be the best way to honor her.

[91] I'm like, it's like, not even like a backyard barbecue.

[92] Okay, I guess we'll just move on as we do, as we always do.

[93] A couple months later, same side of the family.

[94] This is my dad's side.

[95] My grandmother passes away.

[96] Wow, things are really coming quick.

[97] Yeah.

[98] Yeah, something's in the water.

[99] So my grandmother passes away and everyone's at the viewing.

[100] My dad is outside taking a smoke break.

[101] Just to give you kind of a context, he's not a super emotional guy, kind of blue collar, looks a little bit like Jeff Foxworthy, really nice mustache.

[102] Perfect.

[103] Boom broom.

[104] So someone starts to come up that has blonde hair, blue eyes, looks a little bit like me. And he's like, no, that's not.

[105] not my daughter.

[106] And then they get closer.

[107] He's like, my gosh, this looks a little bit like my niece, Tisha.

[108] Can't be.

[109] She's dead.

[110] It's closer.

[111] It looks really like his niece, Tisha.

[112] He starts, like, thinking he's having a heart attack.

[113] He's not a religious man either.

[114] He's like, thinking he's seeing something.

[115] He has no idea what's going on.

[116] She gets close up and he goes, can I touch you?

[117] Oh, wow.

[118] An older man and she's 19.

[119] Oh, my God.

[120] And dead.

[121] Remember it was years ago.

[122] Anyway.

[123] Different time.

[124] He's like thinking that he's seeing something.

[125] Yeah.

[126] Aborition.

[127] Can I touch you?

[128] Can I give you a hug?

[129] She's like, yeah, Uncle Wayne.

[130] What's going on?

[131] What?

[132] So it's Tisha.

[133] I'm scared.

[134] This is like Mante Tia.

[135] No. Mante.

[136] Yeah.

[137] I'm so scared right now.

[138] She's not dead.

[139] Wait.

[140] Wait.

[141] What?

[142] This is really her.

[143] She has not died.

[144] She's like, what is going on?

[145] He's like, your mother told everybody you're dead.

[146] No. She has no idea.

[147] She had no idea that her mother had told everyone that.

[148] Correct.

[149] First question is the mama nurse.

[150] She does not have Munchaus.

[151] Okay.

[152] That sounds very Munchausen.

[153] It does.

[154] That's a good question, actually.

[155] What?

[156] Wait, is your aunt a 30 to 50 -year -old single man, white man?

[157] Also, no. Okay.

[158] Oh, my God.

[159] So her mother had told everyone that she had died.

[160] We think to get attention.

[161] She is a drug and alcohol problem, maybe money.

[162] Oh.

[163] So my poor cousin shows up to this viewing, having no idea that she's, quote, unquote, dead.

[164] Yes.

[165] Craziest thing I've ever heard.

[166] Wow.

[167] My dad's like, oh, my gosh, we have to, like, hide your grandfather.

[168] What if he has a heart attack when he sees you?

[169] You know, there's all these people that think she's dead, and not everybody's heart can take that.

[170] Okay, right.

[171] So they, like, hide my grandfather and tell him, okay, you know, your granddaughter, Tisha, is actually not dead.

[172] She's here.

[173] She's outside.

[174] Her mother lied.

[175] Oh, my God.

[176] Was it his daughter who had lied or his son's ex -wife or wife who had lied?

[177] His son's wife.

[178] Okay.

[179] That helps, I think.

[180] Yes.

[181] So my uncle, my cousin's father, had passed away when we were like 14.

[182] Oh, boy.

[183] So from like 14 to 19, she had a really rough time of it.

[184] My aunt, the one that made up this lie, is also at the funeral.

[185] Oh, boy.

[186] Oh, my God.

[187] Didn't she foresee this?

[188] Yes, so here's the really crazy part.

[189] Leading up to the funeral, she's telling everybody.

[190] So someone's going to come that looks a lot like Tisha, but it's just her friend.

[191] Oh, what a bad planner here, Ann is.

[192] This is the stupidest thing.

[193] Also, your aunt should just pull a no -show at this funeral.

[194] The fact that she's going to try to pull all this off, this is like an 80s.

[195] Body switching comedy.

[196] Yeah, like, how dare she think she's going to pull that off?

[197] She's just got to not go to the funeral.

[198] I know.

[199] She gets so drunk that she's, like, vomiting.

[200] And my mom is a really kind person, and it was, like, the only one that would talk to her because everyone now knows.

[201] She's made this story up about Tisha dying, and she's not dead.

[202] So my mom, like, drives her home throwing up.

[203] It was totally crazy.

[204] Wow.

[205] How many people were at the funeral, would you say?

[206] I actually wasn't there.

[207] Oh, you weren't there?

[208] You got a call from your mom saying Tisha's very much alive.

[209] Yes.

[210] Did she say, are you sitting down?

[211] That's exactly what she said.

[212] I need you to sit down.

[213] You're like, again.

[214] This is from the movies.

[215] Like, everyone just says this now, but there's no point.

[216] No one needs to sit down.

[217] I don't think anyone's ever like their legs have fallen out from under him when they heard news.

[218] On TV shows, yeah.

[219] Some people do collapse.

[220] Do they?

[221] have you seen this out of greed i don't i could see that how well you could see it yeah and you've seen it played out by actors and movies but i've seen people get terrible news many times in my life no one became unstable actually i know someone who became unstable upon hearing bad news oh really yeah okay i stand corrected your mother did the right thing she said annette i need you to sit one more time i know there's been a lot of sitting here we are you're gonna have like pavlovian every time she calls you just immediately sit when you see her name pop up on the phone.

[222] I better sit down.

[223] It's my mom.

[224] Time to sit.

[225] So did you call her immediately?

[226] She calls me as soon as my mom hangs up and I'm like, you're not dead.

[227] She's like, no. We're just both like hysterically crying.

[228] Well, she's like also laughing and crying and I'm crying.

[229] I'm like, I thought you were dead.

[230] She's like, my mom's a crazy person.

[231] Now you all know.

[232] Yeah.

[233] She's embarrassed.

[234] I'm sure that this all happened.

[235] How long has elapsed between her quote?

[236] death and this funeral.

[237] Only like two months.

[238] Okay, because isn't she like, why is no one calling me anymore?

[239] What's going on?

[240] Well, I could see when you're 19 easily going two months without talking to your extended family.

[241] And she had moved out of the house because of things being not good with her mother.

[242] So she was living with a boyfriend at the time, I believe.

[243] Did he have a motorcycle?

[244] So now I'm going to look at you guys and go, fuck you.

[245] No one died on the back of motorcycle.

[246] You're allowed to do that.

[247] There's a little bit of come up.

[248] That's why I said, just wait.

[249] Yeah.

[250] Okay.

[251] Annette, I will say it's rare that people show up to a funeral to mourn the loss of a life and then come out smiling ear to ear because they also gained a life.

[252] I bet this is the happiest people have ever left a funeral, finding out that Tisha was alive.

[253] Well, and she felt so horrible because she's like, ruined Grandma's funeral.

[254] Everyone's talking about me and not about her.

[255] Well, she didn't ruin it.

[256] My God.

[257] No, she didn't.

[258] I'd say she saved it.

[259] Seriously.

[260] Yeah, everyone went home, like, feeling pretty good.

[261] Like, well, we lost grandma, but fuck, we got Tisha.

[262] That never happens where someone gets risen from the dead.

[263] Wow.

[264] Wow.

[265] That's wild.

[266] Oh, my God.

[267] Thanks for sharing that.

[268] Thanks for that story.

[269] I did not see that coming.

[270] Thank you for having me. Well, it's so nice to meet you.

[271] And thank you for that story.

[272] And we're flattered that you listen to the show and you love it.

[273] And you wanted to call and share your story with us.

[274] I hope we get to talk to you again.

[275] Absolutely.

[276] Bye, guys.

[277] All right.

[278] Bye, Annette.

[279] Bye.

[280] Lots of stuff to cover real quick.

[281] One is Womb Room a eating out?

[282] Yeah.

[283] Also, I thought maybe it was going to be like, oh, no, this is a ghost story.

[284] She applied to the wrong one.

[285] Oh, sure, for Halloween.

[286] Yeah, but then, no. I'm glad it was really, Tisha.

[287] All right.

[288] You guys ready for Matthew?

[289] Yeah.

[290] Good luck topping that one, Matthew.

[291] Oh.

[292] Oh, we can't hear you.

[293] I bet we will now.

[294] Morning?

[295] Yay, bingo.

[296] Hi, are you, Mr. Shevard?

[297] and Miss Mouse.

[298] How are you?

[299] Oh, wonderful.

[300] Are we calling you by your real name or a code name?

[301] I think we'll be okay.

[302] I don't live where this happens, so it's all good now.

[303] Great.

[304] Matthew, are you Scottish?

[305] No, Northern Irish, but I'm actually in the land of Mr. Ferrier.

[306] So I live in Christchurch in New Zealand.

[307] No kidding.

[308] You went from the very top to the very bottom.

[309] Yeah, the story is I was drunk in a bar at 3 a .m. and my best mate was here.

[310] And he rang me and he goes, what's wrong with you?

[311] He goes, I'm depressed.

[312] He goes, why don't you come here?

[313] So three days later and my mother hitting me for the rest of my life, I came and never left.

[314] Oh, my, wow.

[315] Did it work?

[316] Yeah, I met my wife three weeks later after I landed here, and we've had two children.

[317] You were just meant to be in New Zealand.

[318] It looks like it, yeah.

[319] Okay, so this funeral you attended, was it in Northern Ireland?

[320] Yeah, that was my grandez.

[321] So I think I was about 12, 13, something like that.

[322] I'd never been to a funeral before.

[323] never knew what was happened, didn't know anything really about religion.

[324] Whole Northern Ireland thing, Protestant Catholics knew nothing about it.

[325] Total ignorance.

[326] I'm assuming funerals work the same way in Ireland as they do in the US.

[327] Pretty much you go six feet under.

[328] We go to a church.

[329] And then the body's on display in the church?

[330] The casket's not open.

[331] It's just a closed casket.

[332] So the whole procession is you go in, have the service.

[333] Then you'd carry the body to the grave and they lower the coffin into the grave.

[334] Great.

[335] So, yeah, like I said, my dad hadn't told me. a thing.

[336] He came to me the day and goes, yeah, you're a part of the funeral.

[337] And I'm like, okay, what does that mean?

[338] And he goes, oh, we'll figure it out as we go, because he was busy trying to do everything.

[339] It was his dad.

[340] So the whole day was like me going, oh, crap, what am I getting myself into?

[341] Don't know what's happening.

[342] He just goes, stand here and hold this.

[343] I'm a big guy now, but I was pretty small when this happened.

[344] So carry the coffin into the church.

[345] all about days set the coffin down you know yourself you're in church you're supposed to be quiet you're supposed to be nicey and of course I just think I'm going to laugh okay never really go to church so the minister's standing up the front and he starts to talk about how wonderful my granddad was I didn't really know much about him everything he's brilliant he's all the rest but one part that really started to make me think and start go oh my God I'm going to laugh is he started to talk about his time in the UDR which is the Ulster Defense Registments, which was a part of the British Army that basically kind of just terrorized people and kept them in line.

[346] Oh, okay.

[347] While that was happening, all he could do was start to laugh.

[348] I was starting to titter laughing, going, 70 % of this church is Catholic, and they're hearing about how great my grand it was and probably kicked the crap out of somebody's grandparents somewhere in this congregation.

[349] I can remember the minister at the very end of the service was like, okay people, listen to me very, carefully.

[350] It has rained all night.

[351] It has rained for the last few days.

[352] This is a small graveyard.

[353] Do not go on the grass.

[354] The grave site is only for the families.

[355] That's it.

[356] Don't go near it.

[357] Don't even try to attempt to go down.

[358] So, okay, we lift, grand up on the coffin.

[359] We're on a path that's probably fit for one person.

[360] I'm slipping and sliding.

[361] Oh, boy.

[362] Oh my God.

[363] I'm going to drop this coffin.

[364] Oh, my God, I'm going to make a hash of it.

[365] Finally get to the grave site, and it was slow.

[366] It took us half an hour, we're talking less than a couple hundred meters.

[367] Oh, boy.

[368] Still holding a coffin going, somebody get this damn thing off me. It's freaking heavy.

[369] Yeah.

[370] So set it down, and they put sashes or ropes or something along it, so you drop it into the grave.

[371] My dad was like, hold this, and I was like, sweet.

[372] So the guy put the coffin in, and I just nearly went in.

[373] The slack caught up.

[374] You got like yanked.

[375] Oh, big time.

[376] So there's me holding this for, oh, dear life trying to keep this up.

[377] And I'm so worried that this is going to just go bang.

[378] So while I'm straining, I look up going, I can't hold this.

[379] And all I see is that just out of the church, this old guy, try and come down towards the grave.

[380] So he slips in the grass, the wet grass, go straight into the grave and smash.

[381] and cracks a headstone completely in half.

[382] Wait, wait, wait, wait.

[383] He slid into your grandfather's grave?

[384] No, another grave.

[385] And this gravestone, we found out later, was 150 years old.

[386] Oh, my.

[387] He cracked this gravestone completely in half.

[388] This man was screaming in agony.

[389] He must have been at least 80 years old.

[390] Oh, oh.

[391] So while we're all trying to hold it together, while the minister never breaks a breath.

[392] I'm still holding it.

[393] I'm starting to laugh.

[394] When three other people rushed to this guy's help, they slip, come further down and hit one of the guys that's holding the coffin the other side of me. No, no. So they came a long way.

[395] I couldn't do it.

[396] So I dropped the rope.

[397] I couldn't stop.

[398] Bang, went the coffin, big thud.

[399] And I just kind of started to walk away as quickly as I possibly could, I'm crying or something to get away, and I could not help my laughter.

[400] Two seconds later, I get a hand on my shoulder.

[401] It's my dad.

[402] And I look up on him, and he is in stitches laughing.

[403] Oh, thank God.

[404] What we found out was, is we had split my grander's coffin.

[405] Oh.

[406] We had cracked his complete one half of his coffin.

[407] They just filled it in.

[408] Everyone was like, it didn't happen.

[409] It didn't happen.

[410] As we were walking down, we just kept going.

[411] going on everyone was coming behind us going oh my god they're really upset they're really crying and it's terrible and all the rest of it we just couldn't keep it together oh my god wow there was nothing but ambulances and everything after that this is hilarious physical set piece like in a movie yeah bodies sliding down the hill i can't believe they've made contact with the guys holding the rope it was a bit of a mass wow i wish i could have been watching from just over i hill me too i was just impressed the minister kept it together the entire time because he was watching everything that was happening it was kind of came to me that has you seen this before somebody put a barrier up just don't let people walk on the grass yes it's a death trap person after person just sliding down look at the guy was a pro that's why you bring a guy like that in he can just keep running through he was the band playing on the sinking titanic he never stopped strumming the cello that's right i mean i would use him again and let's put it that way well Matthew that's an incredible story and I'm really jealous I didn't witness it I mean what a bunch of hijinks thank you so much for that story that's incredible thank you and I've been a charity for quite a while so when Mr. Ferrier ever gets you to Christchurch or over to New Zealand I'm definitely coming to see you guys oh thank you well we're flattered you're listening in all the way down under there I'm kind of trying to tell my work at the moment Can you please stop asking me to do work?

[412] I've got a podcast to listen to you.

[413] They're getting a bit annoyed with me. All right.

[414] Well, great meeting you, Maddie.

[415] Thank you so much.

[416] I really appreciate it.

[417] Have a good one.

[418] Bye.

[419] Thanks, ma 'am.

[420] Bye.

[421] So this, like, 12 -year -old boy trying to hold that sash.

[422] You're making a job.

[423] That's way too big.

[424] That's the age, too.

[425] You're tired doing everything when you're 12.

[426] Like, you've got to stand anywhere.

[427] Holding something would be too much.

[428] Hello.

[429] Hi, welcome to the show.

[430] Are we calling you by your real name?

[431] You can call me by my real name.

[432] Great.

[433] Okay, wonderful.

[434] So, Ashley, please tell us you attended a funeral that got crazy.

[435] Well, unfortunately, I was the one who was witnessed.

[436] Oh, oh, wow.

[437] Okay, good.

[438] This is good.

[439] Yeah.

[440] In my defense, I was really little, so that should.

[441] cover my butt a little bit.

[442] Okay.

[443] I was probably two and a half, three, and I have a sister who is a year older than me. And I have to tell you a little backstory so that it makes sense.

[444] So my dad used to come home from work and he would be exhausted and he'd laid down on the couch and my sister and I would jump on top of him and in his attempt to just get a few more moments, we would lift up his arm and it would just drop.

[445] And we called it the dead arm game.

[446] Okay.

[447] Now, Ashley, when dad was participating in the dead arm game, was he actually asleep or was he just allowing you to pretend?

[448] Just allowing us to pretend.

[449] We were living in Omaha, Nebraska at the time.

[450] My mom, one of her college best friends, her parents died in a horrific car accident.

[451] Okay.

[452] So my mom packs my sister and I up and she's like, we're going to hoof it.

[453] And like you do in the 80s, you pack everything you can to entertain a child because iPads were nothing.

[454] Yeah, right, right.

[455] You had some Fisher Price stuff.

[456] Oh, yeah.

[457] And some super awesome backpacks with all the plastic makeup.

[458] It wasn't even like play makeup.

[459] It was the plastic kind with the plastic applicator.

[460] Sure.

[461] And on the way there, and I vividly remember this.

[462] My mom was like an avid parenting magazine.

[463] parenting book reader.

[464] She was going to be the best mom.

[465] So she's trying to explain to us what death is and what we're going to.

[466] And she's going to make sure we're the best behaved children that have ever attended a funeral.

[467] Yeah.

[468] And so on the way there, she's like, it's not the real person.

[469] The real person's on the inside and the body is just the glove.

[470] Oh, wow.

[471] Yeah.

[472] Oh, wow.

[473] It's right.

[474] So we get to said funeral.

[475] and like all classic churches it's the aisle down the middle my mom is standing with her back to the two caskets the dad's casket is closed because it was so horrific it could not be opened and the mom's casket was open so she is talking to the daughter of these two people and her face goes white as a ghost and she says Debbie are those your children and she turned around now there have been many times in my life, my mother has not claimed to me, but she had no choice.

[476] She turned around.

[477] I was in the casket.

[478] You'd gotten yourself all the way in there.

[479] Okay.

[480] I am sitting crisscross applesauce on this woman's chest.

[481] On the corpse.

[482] No, no, no, no. On the corpse.

[483] And my sister is kind of dangling, you know, when moms can talk and you understand every word, but their teeth are like completely closed.

[484] Yeah, sure, sure.

[485] What were you doing?

[486] And I just ever so happily smile at her.

[487] And she said, it reverberated in this church.

[488] You were screaming.

[489] I'm playing the...

[490] Oh, my God.

[491] Were you lifting up the arm?

[492] I was lifting up the arm and dropping it.

[493] Oh, wow.

[494] And then my sister goes, Mom, her makeup is horrible.

[495] I have got to fix it.

[496] Oh, my Lord.

[497] And take out her little plastic makeup.

[498] She's digging at the corpse.

[499] Yeah, with her plastic applicator on her hard face.

[500] Oh, my God.

[501] Needless to say, my mom just came up and grabbed us and we were out of the church within seconds.

[502] So then we had to drive all the way back to Omaha.

[503] Do you have any idea what mom said?

[504] I mean, was it self -evident that you had made a mistake or did she really need to belabor the fact that you shouldn't be?

[505] in the casket with the corpse.

[506] No, I think it was pretty self -evident, but I think now she has come around to the fact that we have brought so much joy to people with this story.

[507] So when funerals get rough now, people just remember us.

[508] That's nice.

[509] Did they stay friends?

[510] Have you been around her, like Aunt Becky or something?

[511] My mom just talks to her like every six months.

[512] Did she herself come to look back on that moment fondly?

[513] Yeah, we have a lot of these.

[514] We were very good kids, but we were.

[515] when you got us together, that's kind of sweet.

[516] That's a gift, though.

[517] If you go to a funeral, like, it's such a bummer, and you're watching the loss of life.

[518] But then you see, like, the birth of life.

[519] You see these little lively creatures.

[520] Also, there's something really, like, wonderful about the fact that kids don't give a shit if a body's dead.

[521] Yeah, there's an innocent.

[522] Yeah.

[523] The idea of touching that, like, I couldn't imagine, but I was not grossed out by that at all.

[524] I feel like you were sitting on her.

[525] You know, when Kristen's grandma died, she died in the house.

[526] And while they waited for the corner to come, she was with her cousins.

[527] And her mother and aunt allowed her and her cousins to play Go Fish with Grandma.

[528] They put cards in the corpse's hand and they were playing.

[529] They painted her nails and then they played Go Fish.

[530] And they really just were role playing with the corpse for a while.

[531] Everyone was fine with it.

[532] Yeah.

[533] Death is scary.

[534] So whatever you can do to make it more enjoyable for just.

[535] children and less scary.

[536] The body's a glove, Dax.

[537] The body's a glove.

[538] I'm going to stipulate that my funeral is held in an active play zone, like one that's open for business so that kids can really throw me in the balls, push the corpse down the slide.

[539] Really have a good time.

[540] Oh, Ashley, what an incredible story.

[541] I'm really happy you did that.

[542] I bet everyone that was there was happy.

[543] Your mother was roughed up.

[544] She was embarrassed.

[545] It's character building.

[546] I built character in her, you know exactly she owes you a thank you you taught her that she has no control yes this is the greatest gift you can learn in life exactly well Ashley what an incredible story thank you so much for telling us that thank you it was lovely to meet you guys you're right back at you be good oh no promise it's bye bye we've all been there turning to the internet to self -diagnose inexplicable pains, debilitating body aches, sudden fevers, and strange rashes.

[547] Though our minds tend to spiral to worst -case scenarios, it's usually nothing, but for an unlucky few, these unsuspecting symptoms can start the clock ticking on a terrifying medical mystery.

[548] Like the unexplainable death of a retired firefighter, whose body was found at home by his son, except it looked like he had been cremated, or the time when an entire town started jumping from buildings and seeing tigers on their ceilings.

[549] Hey listeners, it's Mr. Ballin here, and I'm here to tell you about my podcast.

[550] It's called Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries.

[551] Each terrifying true story will be sure to keep you up at night.

[552] Follow Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries wherever you get your podcasts.

[553] Prime members can listen early and ad -free on Amazon Music.

[554] What's up, guys?

[555] This is your girl Kiki, and my podcast is back with a new season, and let me tell you, it's too good, and I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest, okay?

[556] Every episode, I bring on a friend and have a real conversation.

[557] And I don't mean just friends.

[558] I mean the likes of Amy Poehler, Kel Mitchell, Vivica Fox.

[559] The list goes on.

[560] So follow, watch, and listen to Baby.

[561] This is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcast.

[562] Hello.

[563] Hi.

[564] The simulation is real.

[565] All praise to a show.

[566] Blessed be his gifts.

[567] Oh my goodness.

[568] Look at this background.

[569] Oh, Barry a Tom, This is actually my, like, dog nook.

[570] It's, like, the most soundproof place in my house.

[571] You have a lucky dog.

[572] You don't get to say that normally, literally.

[573] You call people, you call humans.

[574] Well, you're a lucky dog.

[575] Oh, yeah.

[576] But in this case, it's literal.

[577] You have a lucky dog.

[578] Okay, so, Leanne, you had a crazy experience at a funeral?

[579] I did.

[580] So I worked at a baboon sanctuary in Southern Africa for, like, eight years.

[581] Oh, my gosh.

[582] What kind of olives, Hamadryas?

[583] Chakma, the big ones.

[584] The big boys.

[585] Okay.

[586] Did they ever fight with chimps?

[587] Not with chimps.

[588] They fought with us.

[589] Oh, okay.

[590] So the founder, her name is Rita, and she was a very awesome, inspiring woman.

[591] She was in her 80s when I started working there.

[592] And to give a little context to her, her parents were Nazis.

[593] She grew up in Germany as a member of Hitler youth.

[594] Oh, wow.

[595] And once she realized what that meant, she yeated out of there and got married and moved to South Africa.

[596] So not a Nazi sympathizer.

[597] And she flew a plane.

[598] She had her own plane, her own airstrip.

[599] She had two daughters.

[600] And tragically, her daughter and her husband died in a plane that she had.

[601] And so after that, she threw a very strange set of circumstances ending up with this baby a baboon that turned into hundreds.

[602] And she was kind of the only person doing that.

[603] In 2012, she passed away in a fire on the property.

[604] Yeah.

[605] It was very tragic.

[606] So my direct boss, I'll call him John, I didn't tell him I was going to do this, he was there since he was 18 years old, he was just a kid.

[607] He's this sweet man, like lives in the bush, bearded, scraggly hair, same shoes for years and years full of holes.

[608] And now he has to host all these people from all over the world coming in for this funeral.

[609] And she was well known.

[610] People called her like the Jane Goodall of baboons.

[611] And his girlfriend suggested he should probably wear a suit and loafers.

[612] You can tell he's like itgy.

[613] So we're welcoming all these people.

[614] And keep in mind, we have hundreds of captive baboons, but we also have hundreds of wild baboons that have gravitated towards the captive ones that just free roam on the property.

[615] Because you got females in estrus, and everyone's coming to get some.

[616] Yes.

[617] It's a constant cacophony of noise there with any animals, but there's a certain sound that happens where you know shit went down.

[618] And it's an eruption of chaos.

[619] And of course, as everyone's coming in, the whole place erupts.

[620] In a riot.

[621] Yes.

[622] I mean, it's like dozens of acres, hundreds of baboons, rattling of cages, absolute pandemonium.

[623] And we realize that places divided into four sections, and the oldest baboons, the least humanized, the furthest away from the human things, have all escaped.

[624] Oh!

[625] There's probably, I don't know, 40, 50 of them amongst, like, now the hundreds of wild baboons.

[626] And so, of course, my boss is the person that needs to handle it.

[627] this in his loafers and his jacket and his white shirt.

[628] So we all head down.

[629] He heads down and he's got pliers trying to like fix the hole while also chasing in all the baboons.

[630] Oh my gosh.

[631] Running across the cage is bouncing across, grabbing baboons, throwing them in, getting his shirt ripped, getting his shoe scuffed, getting his hair messed out, like everything is absolute mess.

[632] They get back in, but my most solid memory of him is standing on the roof of the cage is just torn to shreds going, fuck you, Rita.

[633] I know you did this.

[634] I know you did this.

[635] Just to me. And she would have absolutely loved this moment.

[636] And if that is where she was at, she definitely concocted this thing to get one last rise out of him.

[637] Was her body on display?

[638] Was it like a conventional funeral or is it more like a celebration?

[639] Because of the circumstances of her passing.

[640] Oh, yeah, you said.

[641] There were also three baboons with her.

[642] Oh, wow.

[643] Oh, my God.

[644] They were all together.

[645] They're still there on the property laid to rest.

[646] with a beautiful, like, stone memorial.

[647] Were we mid -ceremony when all hell broke loose?

[648] Not yet.

[649] This was, like, during the arrival.

[650] Oh, welcome.

[651] Everyone there's like, this is a terrible idea.

[652] Why the fuck did we come down there?

[653] Luckily, all of our friends and supporters that came out had been there before.

[654] So this was not incredibly unexpected.

[655] Uh -huh.

[656] But the timing and the person who had to dress up and be in the clothes and, like, put on the performance.

[657] I still had to go back.

[658] Of course, today.

[659] once every few months disaster happened on that day.

[660] The males are over 100 pounds.

[661] I think the biggest one we had was about 75.

[662] They look like they're 200 pounds because of all the hair.

[663] And they're incredibly powerful.

[664] And the canines are outrageous.

[665] I have a bunch, yes.

[666] I think they're the biggest canine to body size ratio of any mammal.

[667] Wow.

[668] Oh, my God.

[669] Did they ever attack the humans?

[670] Much more rarely than you'd think.

[671] Our house had a cage around it, so they put it in.

[672] And so there was no food allowed outside the cage or it would not be yours.

[673] And if you did not make eye contact with or mess with their babies, you're pretty much good.

[674] They knew us and they were pretty habituated to our presence and they kind of liked us.

[675] We had a few males that liked us maybe a little too much.

[676] Oh, boy.

[677] Sure.

[678] They got no issue with cross species love.

[679] No. Like dolphins.

[680] They have a type.

[681] I'm blonde and we had another blonde volunteer and there were some that were fond of blondes.

[682] Wow.

[683] Wow.

[684] Do you think they just wanted to attend the ceremony?

[685] I think that's something Kristen would say.

[686] Well, I'm asking, yeah.

[687] Right, but there's always like this sweet story they give to animals.

[688] Like, do you think they were mourning her?

[689] They really do truly have a talent for comedy.

[690] They know who to mess with and how to get the funniest reaction.

[691] And they will do it on repeat because it's funny.

[692] So if I had to guess, they thought this would be the perfect moment.

[693] Wow.

[694] They're rascal.

[695] It's a troop of wabiwabs.

[696] Wow.

[697] Yikes, I'm going to petition the primatology Association of the world to rename them the wabiwob boboons for their rascalianess.

[698] Oh, my God.

[699] What do you think?

[700] They do have a lot of bobbies because they are called bobeon in Afrikaans.

[701] So there are many former pet baboon named Bobby.

[702] Well, we can call Bobby Bobbs.

[703] Oh, Bobby Bobbs.

[704] Oh, that works out beautifully.

[705] Well, what a wild thing.

[706] That's a lot of bodies, and they're fast, they're running, they're cheap -shoting each other, then splitting, right?

[707] Sure.

[708] I mean, I have four brothers.

[709] There's five of us.

[710] I thrive in chaos.

[711] This was perfect for me. Wow.

[712] Oh, wow.

[713] That's fun.

[714] Yeah.

[715] Yeah.

[716] I wish I was there.

[717] I wish I had attended that funeral.

[718] You would have loved it.

[719] I would have loved it.

[720] It was good for people watching.

[721] Yeah.

[722] You could tell them apart pretty well?

[723] Absolutely.

[724] All 600 plus.

[725] had names, and we knew their parents, we knew their kids, their favorite boyfriend, their secret boyfriend.

[726] Oh, side pieces?

[727] Yeah.

[728] This is exciting.

[729] Yeah.

[730] They live a fun life.

[731] They do.

[732] They're out babooning around all the time.

[733] Bobby bobbing around.

[734] Bobby, Bobby Brown.

[735] Well, thank you so much, Leanne.

[736] That was a great story.

[737] Absolutely.

[738] I'm glad you made it out of life.

[739] What a fun thing for you to have experienced.

[740] Yes, it was great.

[741] All right.

[742] Well, great meeting you.

[743] You too.

[744] Thank you guys so much.

[745] All right.

[746] Take care.

[747] Take care.

[748] Bye.

[749] Sharon.

[750] Hello.

[751] So the prompt for this one was something crazy you witnessed at a funeral.

[752] And it would be silly to try to say what our craziest story is, but I got to say this is in contention, don't you think?

[753] Yeah, I'm for sure.

[754] This is a very delicate one to tell because it was a friend of ours.

[755] And so we're going to try to do it in a way that is respectful to his family.

[756] family.

[757] Okay, so let's start with the fact that we had a really good friend in junior high.

[758] Me more than you, I was really close with him for a period when you were starting to run with the devil.

[759] Yes, yes, yes.

[760] I started hanging out with him more.

[761] But then I moved away to Wald Lake and then you got kicked out of high school.

[762] So I guess this was 11th grade, wasn't it?

[763] Yes.

[764] I remember one time in 10th grade, he said hi to me in the hallway and he told me that he was checking up on me because you have Asked him to see how I was doing if I was okay.

[765] I do remember that.

[766] I don't think I ever told you.

[767] No. It was super, super sweet on both sides.

[768] You and him.

[769] Yeah.

[770] I'm already sad about this boy now.

[771] Aaron.

[772] It is a sad story.

[773] He was a super duper sweet, sweet kid.

[774] So he was killed in a drunk driving accident when we were in 11th grade.

[775] Maybe it was 12th.

[776] I don't know.

[777] What I do know is that I picked you up and we drove there together and it was during like a school day somehow or maybe immediately after school got out.

[778] It was noon somehow.

[779] Yeah.

[780] Yeah.

[781] And we hadn't seen anyone that we went to junior high with in a long time.

[782] I certainly hadn't seen anyone in a very long time.

[783] And you had been out of Milford High at that point for a while.

[784] Oh, yeah.

[785] So we arrive at Lynch and Sons funeral home in our hometown of Milford.

[786] We had gone to school with the lynches.

[787] Like we knew these kids.

[788] kids.

[789] It was the family business.

[790] It was in our small town.

[791] And at the lynch and son's funeral home, there were like three or four different viewing areas, right?

[792] So there were multiple funerals going on at the same time.

[793] We just walk in and we look to the right and by God, the man that they're mourning is sitting upright in his casket.

[794] Yeah.

[795] And I mean, not just upright.

[796] No, like off to a 45 degree angle, trying to exit.

[797] He's hanging over.

[798] the boundary of the casket and he's bald and he's an old man and he's very much attending his own funeral and there's people gathered around of course and no one is acknowledging that this man is escaping his casket while mid fucking funeral so we're like oh my god we just like we're already laughing really really hard and we're like we're running to the side so no one can see us laughing and we're trying to laugh really quietly and then we just can't stop taking some peaks so then we get our shit together enough that we're going to enter the viewing area of our friend we get in line and i don't know about you aaron but it's a little distracting to me i'm of course like i haven't seen a lot of these kids in a long time so kind of looking around and i'm thinking oh yeah you and i are still together like we were inseparable yeah if i can back up even, I think, before entering and seeing the old man, we already were in the parking lot and we're kind of joking about something, nothing to do with our friend.

[799] And then we realized we had to fucking tone it down.

[800] We thought right away like, oh, people are going to be furious with us that we're laughing.

[801] And that's when we walked in after like kind of making a commitment to each other to knock it off.

[802] And we see a fucking old man immediately.

[803] escaping a casket.

[804] Yes, it's very much like now we have the giggles and now we're in church.

[805] Right.

[806] Okay.

[807] What you also need to know is that our friend from 6th grade on had a pretty robust mustache, but it was a blonde mustache.

[808] Right.

[809] Really blonde.

[810] The blondeest mustache you ever saw.

[811] And neither of us have seen our friend for a couple years.

[812] We're in line and we're making our way up to the casket and now we've kind of turned left and we're walking parallel now all we're seeing is the door of the casket which is open and we start noticing there's a ton of police badges all over the casket local states there are so many badges in this coffin it's so confusing to us we're like what's going on yeah aren't we still in high school yes this is just weird The whole thing is solid badges, wall -to -wall badges.

[813] And now we step up to view our friend, who we haven't seen in a couple years.

[814] And they have no disrespect to lynch and sons.

[815] I'm sure they do a lot of quality work.

[816] They had dyed his mustache, shoe -polished black.

[817] Yeah.

[818] What about his hair?

[819] Did he have hair?

[820] Yes, he had still blonde hair.

[821] Still blonde hair.

[822] Oh, my God.

[823] Yes, I don't know why they thought.

[824] This guy probably has a Tom Selleck, shoe -polished black.

[825] Oh, my God.

[826] so this is overwhelming of course coupled with all the badges in the casket and erring says under his breath to me oh my god he was undercover yeah he grew that mustache after school and shamed it before school yes he seemed like he was 30 and now we're learning he was a police officer when Aaron said oh my God he was undercover like you know it's also 21 Jump Street was pretty popular at the time sure now we're in big big trouble once Aaron says he was undercover we're very on the verge of starting to laugh out wow yeah tears are streaming down our I'm pinching my penis as I do sometimes when I think like I'm gonna pee my pants okay and now we're acting like we're crying we're like trying not to laugh and now we have to sprint out of there as I recall we just had to get the fuck out of that room as quick as possible before we embarrass ourselves or dishonored this person we loved and we really scampered down the hallway keeping our laughter in check we're making it down the hallway we've completely forgot about the guy exiting his fucking casket it the last thing we see because he's right next to the doors is that goddamn old man he's even further out of his casket at this and we break through the double doors and then it's just on like it's just an explosion of laughter and we're searching for relief and as this has happened like a group of six classmates of ours we haven't seen in a while walk up the steps insurance enough we've done exactly what we were afraid we were going to do and what everyone knew we would do we're making a mockery of this yeah disrespecting the whole deal oh man that fucking guy being in that front room the worst call they could have ever made greeting you and saying goodbye to you what do we think happened his body filled up with so much air it was like a balloon I'm certain of what happened, which was Rigamortus sat in and he was in a chair or something.

[827] And then when they put him in the casket, they definitely weighted him.

[828] Right.

[829] And somehow either that weight wasn't enough or something happened where that weight had to have either come off or whatever.

[830] And then he must have sprung into that position, truth but told.

[831] Oh, my God.

[832] Can you imagine if you're sitting there and it just popped out?

[833] Jack in the box.

[834] That's so scary.

[835] I'm surprised there wasn't three more deaths in that room.

[836] Exactly.

[837] I don't know what you are, but I had totally forgotten about that guy.

[838] At that point, so much had happened so quickly in the other room, and I was trying to get out of there so fast.

[839] Even though we knew he was there is the last thing we ever expected to see leaving.

[840] Oh, wow.

[841] Oh, my God, yeah.

[842] When you called the other day or texted me to, get on we're in a hurry and adelaide asked me what was the story you and dax are going to tell and i said she'll be 12 in a couple of weeks and i told her the part with the old man and she like almost spit out whatever she was drinking couldn't believe it of course why is every story that ridiculous with you kids oh boy but i do love and miss that kid and it was absolutely It's absolutely heartbreaking that that happened to him.

[843] And we probably just shouldn't have even been at a funeral at that age with our disposition.

[844] Right.

[845] Well, also, I don't know that you guys had it in you to feel the sadness at that time.

[846] Well, that's a good point.

[847] Yeah, we've had a couple of these over the years.

[848] A really good friend of ours died.

[849] And you're right, we couldn't.

[850] It's unfathomable.

[851] The morning could only happen when we were plastered.

[852] exactly like your brain wouldn't let you unless you had guards down too scared yeah to let all that in yeah but a good enough boy i knew i wanted to show his parents that he had friends and that i would come because again i hadn't seen him in for like so it started with i thought like okay i'm gonna do the right thing i'm sure no one was happy that i can't we were really throwing a curve bow we weren't prepared well i'm glad she liked that part you didn't tell her the rest i guess that's more abstract that you found out your friend was a cop no i didn't do we know what was all the badges we did find out after the fact that he had at that point declared he wanted to become a cop when he graduated okay i still don't understand it might not explain all 50 of the badges i don't know yeah maybe he had come to collect those i don't know just everyone kind of knew at that point that's That's what he was going to do, it was to be a cop.

[853] Also, we were possibly the last ones to know about the mustache being so dark.

[854] Like, I don't know if it was Lidge and Sons false or that's just what happened when he decided to be a cop.

[855] Right.

[856] Yeah, maybe he looked like that for a while.

[857] Yeah.

[858] I mean, what I can tell you is there was zero pigment in the mustache.

[859] Like, when I tell you it was a white mustache, it's not like it would have turned dark.

[860] No, no, but I mean, he may be a deaf dad died in.

[861] Started using just for men to look more like a cop.

[862] Why would the funeral home do that?

[863] Because I think they thought something happened in death that made his mustache white.

[864] Well, I think they would have been like, well, there's no way his mustache was this white.

[865] Something must have happened.

[866] No, they would have asked the parents.

[867] I don't think the parents go see the body a day ahead of the time.

[868] I think they're seeing it for the first time at the funeral with the rest of us.

[869] so if they've made this really big judgment call two days before in the morgue everyone could be finding out at the same time that they made the wrong call you get like an hour before the family gets to go look at the body but still that's not enough time their choices would have been shave it off completely that wasn't an option no oh wow I don't think he started dying at midway through high school that's too big of a swing in high school I think if Wade was laying there and had a black mustache i think i'd be calling for somebody's job yeah exactly yeah i gotta imagine someone lost their job double whammy also whoever waited the fucking corpse at the beginning of the someone had a really off day to be fair that's a hard job that is a really hard job it's a thankless job no one ever says to you appreciate how good you made me look for my funeral exactly but it's kind of in keeping with what we were seeing right from the jump yeah oh well i love you and i hope that wasn't terribly disrespectful again so much love and sadness over that situation by the way there's already been like five of these prompts where i was like well i should call errant we have a good one about this all right i love you guys too all right talk to you later sweetheart bye bye does this has this given you any ideas for the funeral you want to have do want Matt Damon to give the eulogy.

[870] I really hope your game plan is to outlive Matt Damon.

[871] You're 20 years younger.

[872] We just don't know what will happen.

[873] He does have access to some good science.

[874] He's very virile.

[875] Well, yeah.

[876] And dialed in with the Harvard community.

[877] He probably will be first in line for some kind of life extension thing.

[878] Yeah, I think him and Ben will take my body to a different room first.

[879] Oh my God.

[880] Do you want them to make love to your dead body?

[881] I don't know what they're going to do, but I want them to have some privacy and some alone time with me as a dead body to get some closure yeah okay then they can bring me back in and everyone else can come in and have look at the remains what they've left of you fine you'll be the executor of your will yeah oh god i can't wait to make this phone call so hey guys uh you've been bestowed a very very high honor well first of all are you seated sit down monica's dead i'm sorry who no maybe ben he hasn't met you yet but matt's like oh my god i thought that hug and kiss would have got her into her old age well it did matt you should be happy she died with smile on her face thinking about that hug and kiss oh that's great that's great now here's for the good news she has invited both of you to take her body into a private room and do with her as you please she hasn't stipulated what you should do but sky is the limit given all access pass to her corpse make it clear please not only can they they have to okay they have you are obliged to do this yeah boy it is a least but it is curious if you give someone consent while you're alive that's right why is it illegal exactly i guess it just demonstrates that you're capable of some real grossness that might be a threat to society but i'm saying they have to okay for legal reasons for legal reasons okay i want to have my funeral in northern ireland where matthew was and i'm going to stipulate it can only be held after five days of heavy rain and i want everyone to use the grass specifically if i'm going to pay to have the sidewalk torn out before.

[882] And so it's just an enormous slip and slide.

[883] I want my cast head to go fucking flying down a grassy wet hill.

[884] I want it to be taking out headstones.

[885] Like, forget one headstone.

[886] I want to take out like bowling pins.

[887] Oh my God.

[888] Everyone's laughing and carrying on.

[889] Crying and laughing.

[890] Matt and Damon and Ben are holding each other trying to get past.

[891] So in the order of events, it's me first, then you, then Madam Ben.

[892] oh no not necessarily yeah because you have to calm good point yeah well that's gone completely counter to our chronology because as an actuary it should go in the exact reverse order of what you're pitching life is unpredictable well that is and it's a box of chocolate i love you love you do you want to sing a tune or something we know a theme song we don't have a thing song for this new show so here I go go go we're going to ask some random questions and with the help of armcherry's book and some suggestion on the flyer rhyme dish on the flyer rhyme dish enjoy follow armchair expert on the wondry app amazon music or wherever you get your podcast you can listen to every episode of armchair expert early and ad free right now by joining wondry plus in the wondry app or on apple podcasts.

[893] Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondry .com slash survey.