MFM Minisode 103

[0] This is exactly right.

[1] Hey, this is exciting.

[2] An all -new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th.

[3] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster, detectives.

[4] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.

[5] Who killed Saz?

[6] And were they really after Charles?

[7] Why would someone want to kill Charles?

[8] This season, murder hits close to home.

[9] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.

[10] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.

[11] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.

[12] Who knows what will happen once the cameras start to roll?

[13] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfinacus, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, DeVeyne, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.

[14] Only murders in the building, premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.

[15] Go -bye.

[16] Hello.

[17] And welcome to the minisode of my favorite murder.

[18] This is the one where we read your emails.

[19] that you have sent to us of all your crazy, different, interesting stories.

[20] Apparently it's New Year's Eve right now for you guys.

[21] That's right.

[22] Goodbye 2018.

[23] Go fuck yourself.

[24] Truly and deeply.

[25] Just let's fold that year up.

[26] Let's light it from the bottom with a bick lighter.

[27] Watch it go up.

[28] Don't burn your thumb.

[29] Please drop it.

[30] Right?

[31] As it really starts to take light.

[32] And then just let's look to the future of 2019 being peaceful, beautiful, Give me an adjective.

[33] Happy.

[34] I full of cats and dogs and happiness.

[35] Yeah.

[36] Here's your stories, guys.

[37] Happy New Year.

[38] Well, one of the better infros we've ever given.

[39] Can you tell it's late at night and it's not New Year's?

[40] Do you know what you're going to do for New Year's right now?

[41] No idea of you.

[42] I never know until the last minute.

[43] I have to tell you, I just got invited to my friend's party, and it's a party of people that I like that are like adultish and kind of cool, where I'm like, this could be the New Year's Eve that turns it all around for me. I'm coming.

[44] Just saying I'm going to grow my nails out real long for New Year's.

[45] I'm guessing Vince and I will stay at home and watch movies.

[46] Think so?

[47] Yeah.

[48] I've been treating the past, I'd say, eight New Year's.

[49] they had nothing to do with me just like that they were none of my business I mean that's yeah right yes because what am I supposed to do if you're sober you really have to you really have to do some some internal work to enjoy New Year's yeah do you like barfing and do you like 20 year olds barfing on the sidewalk well then get out there and get into it but if you don't do you like not being able to park anywhere and other people drunk driving and Uber rates up in the 3 ,000 percentile?

[50] Right.

[51] Okay.

[52] So let's see.

[53] This is an interesting email to kick off.

[54] It's a New York story.

[55] It's a ghost story.

[56] Oh, shit.

[57] And then there's also a tech aspect to it for all you techies.

[58] Weird.

[59] The subject line is haunted Apple Watch Weather Report.

[60] Okay.

[61] Hi, Karen, Georgia.

[62] Stephen Menagerie Associates.

[63] Here's a little ghost story for you.

[64] For nine years, we've celebrated New Year's Eve.

[65] at a family friend's house and because we all have kids we do a countdown at 9 p .m. And call it good.

[66] Love it.

[67] It's so funny.

[68] Everyone goes home because no one ever wants overwired kids.

[69] A few years ago, the host family's husband took his own life.

[70] But we have continued to have this party anyway because it's been such a long tradition.

[71] It's bittersweet and this was the second year he wasn't there.

[72] This year, when we got home, my mom called to wish us a happy new year to talk to my kids, et cetera.

[73] And because it's been super cold, she asked the weather.

[74] Since I was on the phone, I looked for the temperature on my Apple Watch where I use an app that does snarky weather updates.

[75] For instance, right now it says you're going to take these clouds and you're going to like them versus mostly cloudy.

[76] I like it.

[77] It's more fun than the basic weather app.

[78] So while talking to my mom, she asked the weather.

[79] I check my watch and the update had nothing to do with the weather.

[80] weather.

[81] Instead, it said, I sent a ghost to haunt you tonight.

[82] His name is Jerry.

[83] And Jerry is the name of our deceased friend whose house we were just celebrating.

[84] Oh my God.

[85] I made my husband come over and take a picture before it went away because again, I was on the phone and couldn't do it myself.

[86] And 20 minutes later, the message was back to the regular goofy weather updates.

[87] You know what's cooler than a million dollars?

[88] The weather outside.

[89] I immediately texted my close friends knowing Jerry was and who was an early adopter and love tech, those that knew him decided that he, if he was going to send a message, a snarky weather app would totally be the platform.

[90] I now check the weather all the time, haven't heard from him again, and I hadn't seen any non -weather related updates since.

[91] Anyway, S -S -DGH, say sexy, don't get haunted, Gretchen.

[92] Stephen has a photo of it.

[93] The actual photo.

[94] Wow.

[95] Oh, my gosh.

[96] That's amazing.

[97] It's on our Instagram with this post.

[98] Also, because also it's like, like, tragic, tragic deaths happen, and people have to go on.

[99] And there, and it is that kind of thing of like, no, you don't stop doing it.

[100] You keep on doing the tradition.

[101] And you, you know, that's what a lot of people just do.

[102] You, you make do.

[103] Yeah.

[104] So that's kind of amazing.

[105] And then it's like a little weird little message.

[106] That's super creepy because it's like, not like it's someone at the app was like, midnight I'm going to send a goofy thing it's like 950 on that clock and that's not a goofy weather thing it doesn't have anything to do with anything and it's this fucking rando name of the person right jerry garcia um all right this one was sent to me and i just it's not new year's theme but i just i love it so much okay and i i think you'll love it too it's a little long okay my favorite murder story that i helped solve oh hi karen and georgia and just so you know i got permission from the scroll to read this.

[107] Oh, good.

[108] Okay.

[109] First of all, your podcast is amazing.

[110] I'm a huge fan and fellow serial killer murder obsessed weirdo.

[111] I'm an artist and all of my art actually has to do with bringing peace to women who have been murdered.

[112] But on to the real reason I'm emailing you, my favorite murder story that I totally help solve.

[113] So I work as a manager at a restaurant in Brooklyn, New York.

[114] I have dealt with anxiety and depression for years and earlier this year to start microdosing with psychosib, how do you say it?

[115] Silocibin mushrooms.

[116] Shrooms.

[117] Sillocybin.

[118] Silicillin, thank you, as a way to cope.

[119] Now, when you microdose, you don't actually trip.

[120] You just feel a little energized and much happier.

[121] So mid -July of this year, I had been microdosing for a couple of weeks, and everything had been going fine.

[122] I woke up late one morning and didn't have time to eat before I left for work, but still decided to microdose.

[123] This was a mistake.

[124] Because I took them on an empty stomach.

[125] By the time I got to work, I was full on tripping.

[126] I was managing it and staying calm and things were going fine until the bartender went on his lunch break, and I got behind the bar to cover for him.

[127] No. Next thing I know, two NYPD detectives with guns strapped their hips wearing fancy suits, walk into the restaurant, come over to me at the bar and ask to speak with the manager.

[128] Me. No. At this point, I'm starting to panic, but managed to remain calm.

[129] They then introduced themselves as homicide detectives, and my face lights up.

[130] I literally obsessively watch true crime, listen to true crime, read true crime, etc. They proceed to tell me that a couple days before, a young female nurse named Samantha was murdered in her home in Queens.

[131] She had been raped, strangled, wrapped in a sheet, and then shoved in her closet.

[132] Her brother and father had found her after they broke into her apartment when she didn't respond.

[133] Horrible.

[134] The detective's going to tell me that they believe she met the man who murdered her, quote, on a popular dating site, and that they had just started dating, but had not yet met any of her friends and family.

[135] They tracked down, they tracked the last known place the victim's credit card had been used, and lo and behold, it was at the restaurant across the street from ours.

[136] Then the police tell me that the other restaurant does not have good security footage, but the couple had walked right in front of our restaurant and security cameras.

[137] So they need me to get the footage so that they can run facial recognition software on it in order to identify the suspect.

[138] Let me remind you that I'm still tripping balls and all I can think is, oh my God, this is real life, true crime shit happening right now, right in front of me so I can't shake this freak of a grin off my face.

[139] Legit, they must have thought I was crazy.

[140] I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs with the detectives to look through security footage.

[141] After about 30, 40 minutes of searching, our timestamp was off, blah, blah, and luckily allowed me for time to start coming down from my mushroom trip.

[142] Yeah.

[143] They were able to find the footage they needed, and both the victim and the murderer walked right under our cameras.

[144] They then thanked me, took the footage with them, and told me to stay updated on the story.

[145] Ooh.

[146] Not two days later, I follow up with the story and find out that detectives ran the footage from our security cameras through facial recognition software and identified him.

[147] They then track him from New York to guess where, Los Angeles.

[148] Ooh.

[149] Now, this is the really other crazy, really crazy other part.

[150] They raid his hotel room where they find not only him, but another woman tied up who was being tortured.

[151] No. They saved the woman and he is currently in prison in California facing charges of rape, kidnapping, and torture before he can be extradited back to New York to be charged with the murder of Samantha.

[152] Wow.

[153] In his most recent interviews with a reporter who visited him in prison, he said that voices in his head told him to murder Samantha, along with four other women in the Connecticut and New York area that he met on dating sites.

[154] He said he, quote, liked them and didn't want to kill them, but the voices in his head made him murder them.

[155] So that is my favorite murder story and the story of how I helped homicide detectives identify and catch a killer while I was tripping balls on mushrooms.

[156] I hope you all enjoy my story.

[157] And I was like, this is bullshit.

[158] I would have heard about this.

[159] but then she's like, here's two fucking links about it.

[160] And it's 100 % true and even fucking crazier.

[161] Wow.

[162] It's bananas.

[163] Thanks so much.

[164] Best regards, Kelsey.

[165] Wow.

[166] That's so crazy.

[167] I know.

[168] Just the idea, and it's hilarious and insane and also kind of makes me panic, the idea that she was tripping.

[169] And then have you ever been around an actual detective?

[170] Because I had a homicide detective knock on my door one morning.

[171] thank God I was like I think I'd already miraculously taken a shower which normally wouldn't happen if I was just around the house and was like wearing a bra but somebody there had been a shooting like down the street from my house oh my god and so it was just a guy asking if I had heard anything or seen anything and I had the exact same reaction where I was like um and I was like I was like I heard something the dogs barked I checked my back fence to make sure no one jumped over my fence and that's it.

[172] But it was, it's a whole different realm of person.

[173] Yeah.

[174] Because it's Paul fucking holes.

[175] It's a Paul holes.

[176] I kind of have a lunch conversation with him and I was just like, I can't speak.

[177] Yes.

[178] There is a there's a gravitas to these people.

[179] They're in the shit.

[180] They do the shit.

[181] They're trying to fix the shit.

[182] It's and oftentimes they wear really good suits.

[183] Yes.

[184] So there's colored suits.

[185] But then they have a gun.

[186] It's a gun and a suit.

[187] Which scares me. I'm scared to be around guns.

[188] It's sexy and scary.

[189] It's attraction repulsion.

[190] It's blood sugar sex magic.

[191] Are you okay?

[192] It wasn't that funny.

[193] It was.

[194] It was.

[195] Because also you couldn't see listener at home.

[196] Georgia, like, look down at her hand and listed those off on her fingers.

[197] Like, like, it's clearly this Red Hot Chili Peppers album.

[198] Oh, fuck.

[199] Anyway, okay.

[200] Thanks, homicide detectives around the world.

[201] Yeah.

[202] And your wonderful suits from the men's warehouse.

[203] Thank you for your service and your suits and your sex and magic.

[204] And your sex and your magic and my blood sugar.

[205] Okay, here's, this one doesn't have a subject line.

[206] Hello, beautiful people and animals.

[207] this happened in 1998.

[208] I had just graduated high school and I thought I was grown like all 18 year olds do.

[209] Nope number one.

[210] I met a guy in a chat room online.

[211] Nope number two.

[212] We started meeting in person.

[213] He was in college and lived in a dorm so when he invited me over, I thought it would be fine.

[214] Nope.

[215] Number three.

[216] I went at night.

[217] I got into the dorm, which was tiny.

[218] It consisted of two beds and a tiny kitchenette.

[219] Nope number four.

[220] This guy walks into the kitchenette, and is in there for what I thought was too long.

[221] Suddenly he turns around and is holding a fucking butcher knife and is walking toward me with the most maniacal look on his face and smiling from ear to ear showing all his teeth.

[222] I can still remember what he looked like at that moment.

[223] Oh my God.

[224] So I just took off my shoe, which was a steel -toed Doc Martin boot.

[225] Hell yeah, 1990s.

[226] And hit him in the face as hard as I could and just booked it out of there.

[227] I've never told anyone the story but decided to share it with you guys Stay sexy And don't meet people online Hope P .S. I still have those docs and I wear them When I meet new people How fucking hilarious is that And sorry, the subject line Which I didn't read you because I didn't want to blow it Was My Doc Martin saved my life That's one of those Really cool things that you always wish you would do and you tell yourself to do is to not wait till he's like just kidding that was a joke you fucking hit him in the face because how dare you fucking pull a knife on me even as a joke well also if that's a person if that is a person who would do a joke like that to you yeah that's a dangerous personality you don't know them well enough that's not a joke actually I have as a person who has studied jokes for quite some time I can tell you right now a butcher knives and people who are half strangers, that's not a joke.

[228] That's a person that's trying to scare you.

[229] A butcher knife when you know someone so fucking well is not a fucking joke.

[230] Hit your sister in the face.

[231] Hit your sister in the face.

[232] Talked Martin if she pulls a knife on you.

[233] Do the practice of, and you can say this too.

[234] You can be like, this is just a boundary I draw for myself.

[235] If you walk toward me with a butcher knife, I will kick you in the face.

[236] That's just my personal rule if you don't want to be friends with me because that, so be it.

[237] And the end.

[238] I have my boundary is a knife and you know you hit the boundary when, I hit you in the fucking face with my shoe.

[239] I'm not against also hitting people in the face with a shoe if they smile and show all their teeth.

[240] Because you don't need to do that.

[241] Too many.

[242] That's too.

[243] That's, you're doing Stephen King shit when you're showing all your, even your back teeth when you're smiling.

[244] No, no, no. Stop it.

[245] We don't need to see all of them.

[246] You're no one's that happy.

[247] The two in front convey the message.

[248] Yeah, if that.

[249] I get it.

[250] You could have tried to do it like me where if you're worried about your yellow corn nibblet teeth, you can smile as if you're always not that happy.

[251] with this situation.

[252] It's a smile that goes, I wish it wasn't like this.

[253] I'm mad at you for making me laugh.

[254] Okay.

[255] Hey, this is exciting.

[256] An all new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th.

[257] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster, detectives.

[258] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.

[259] Who killed Saz?

[260] And were they really after Charles?

[261] Why would someone want to kill Charles?

[262] This season, murder hits close to home with a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.

[263] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.

[264] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.

[265] Who knows what will happen once the cameras start to roll?

[266] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfenakis, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, DeVine, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.

[267] Only Martyrs in the Building, premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.

[268] Goodbye.

[269] Karen, you know I'm all about vintage.

[270] shopping.

[271] Absolutely.

[272] And when you say vintage, you mean when you physically drive to a store and actually purchase something with cash.

[273] Exactly.

[274] And if you're a small business owner, you might know Shopify is great for online sales.

[275] But did you know that they also power in -person sales?

[276] That's right.

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[278] Give your point of sales system a serious upgrade with Shopify.

[279] From accepting payments to managing inventory, they have everything you need to sell in person.

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[282] With Shopify, we have a powerful partner for managing our sales, and if you're a business owner, you can too.

[283] Connect with customers inline and online.

[284] Do retail right with Shopify.

[285] Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at shopify .com slash murder.

[286] Important note, that promo code is all lowercase.

[287] Go to Shopify .com slash murder to take your retail business to the next level today.

[288] That's Shopify .com slash murder.

[289] Goodbye.

[290] Okay.

[291] Here we go.

[292] Okay.

[293] Holiday boozen reveals skeleton and family closet.

[294] Oh.

[295] Hello, Karen, Georgia, and Stephen.

[296] You guys mentioned recently, sorry cats.

[297] He doesn't.

[298] This person doesn't.

[299] You guys mentioned recently that the holidays were a great time to pry long hidden secrets out of drunk relatives.

[300] There's no better holiday for drinking than New Year's Eve in my parents' house and it was actually child's play to get my mom to confess something Soto -voiced.

[301] What does that mean?

[302] Soto voice.

[303] It's whispering.

[304] Oh, that's a theater major right there.

[305] Thank you.

[306] After astronomical levels of wine while the men and the family were safely tucked away in the garage to better access the beer fridge.

[307] Oh, I could fucking picture it.

[308] Got a beer fridge.

[309] When I was born in 1991, my parents lived in a small town in Iowa with a population about 4 ,000 people.

[310] Everyone knew everyone, but the way she described it, more menacing than a cheers vibe, everyone was all up in everyone's business.

[311] My dad worked as a butcher and was handsome but shy, a combination that charmed all the old ladies in town into knitting me baby blankets and sewing me quilts.

[312] But apparently there was one customer at the meat counter who took things too far.

[313] One day, shortly after I was born, the police showed up at the meat counter to tell my dad that he'd been subpoenaed to testify in a divorce hearing for a couple in town that my parents didn't know.

[314] He said there must be some huge misunderstanding because he'd never met the couple in question.

[315] He sat down with the husband's lawyer who showed him a picture of the wife, and though he recognized her as a customer of the store, he was adamant that he did not even know the woman.

[316] Oh, no. The lawyers then showed him hundreds of pages of crazy sexcapades that this woman had written about in her diaries that supposedly went on between herself and my dad.

[317] Oh, shit.

[318] Like crazy level stalker fantasies.

[319] just whole diary is filled with kinky ramblings.

[320] Don't get your hopes up, though.

[321] No amount of alcohol has made my mother give up the dirty details, trust me, which I think is probably best for you.

[322] You don't want to hear your...

[323] No. Yeah.

[324] Don't try to get your mom to tell you dirty shit about your dad.

[325] Absolutely not.

[326] Anyway, needless to say, my shy dad was mortified, and the lawyers know in no certain terms that the lady was making all this shit up.

[327] Right.

[328] All said and done, he didn't have to testify, and he got a restraining order.

[329] I asked my mom what the woman's name was I wonder where she's living now i .e. it better be freaking far away it's been 26 years and she no longer remembers I personally would have prioritized that shit as something worth remembering though I am also sworn to secrecy and never let my dad know that I know he was a subject of a crazy lady's erotic fiction maybe I'll pull the story out of him next New Year's Eve stay sexy but not so sexy you become an unstable Midwestern housewife's unwitting news, Katie.

[330] I'm sorry, but it's true, like a hot, shy butcher.

[331] Oh, yeah.

[332] And you're just like, you're just some ignored housewife that's just kind of trying to make it, make your day -to -day work.

[333] Totally.

[334] And then you're just like, I need pork chops again.

[335] I need something.

[336] I need hard pork.

[337] To pork chops is hard.

[338] There's a sexual innuendo there that I don't feel like.

[339] But there's sexual innuendo all around the, the whole butcher situation.

[340] It's very carnal, literally.

[341] It's very, you know, it's basic.

[342] It's almost caveman shit.

[343] Yeah.

[344] We're just like, look at him, cut that thing.

[345] And you're like, make this thing for me and wrap it in a pretty package.

[346] But he's all like, eyes down like, well, excuse me, ma 'am.

[347] And then you're like, blushing while he cuts your pork shops.

[348] He likes me. He likes me. Daddy.

[349] She's got defiance disorder.

[350] There you go.

[351] Daddy.

[352] Just be cute, but not like.

[353] Amazing.

[354] Butchers everywhere.

[355] Now I'm going to write some butcher fan fiction.

[356] Butchers.

[357] All right.

[358] Are you ready for this lighthearted Christmas found -in -wall story?

[359] Sure.

[360] Hi.

[361] When my grandparents were tired.

[362] That was such a sweet, a shy butcher hi.

[363] That's a shot.

[364] Oh, my God, I have to go.

[365] I have to go get a couple sausages.

[366] Hi.

[367] Hi.

[368] Hi.

[369] Hey, you want to go in the back and show me the real meat is?

[370] I don't know.

[371] What's the thing?

[372] Is that sexy?

[373] Is that sexy?

[374] Was that flirting?

[375] Hey, where are the?

[376] Where are the?

[377] Hey, do you want to show me where the real meat is?

[378] And he's like, holy Christ.

[379] Hey, where are you?

[380] You forgot I was shy.

[381] Let's take, look at your gizzards.

[382] I'm not shy.

[383] Let's take a look at the sweetbreads.

[384] Show me your gizzards.

[385] Big boy.

[386] Okay, sorry.

[387] We'll continue practicing this.

[388] Okay.

[389] Hi.

[390] When my parents retired.

[391] Sorry, when my grandparents retired, they sold the house my mom had grown up in to my parents.

[392] Right.

[393] Keep it in the fam.

[394] Got it.

[395] We lived there for 15 years until my parents built their dream house, moved out, and started renting the old house to friends.

[396] Several years later, the house was burned to the ground in a wildfire.

[397] Basically, the only thing left was the chimney.

[398] Once the ashes cooled, my parents and their tenant picked through the rubble.

[399] One of the few intact things they found was a little ceramic figurine.

[400] no one knew anything about the figurine but my mom brought it home as a memento a month or so later my grandma noticed the figuring and started to laugh you finally found it she said my mom was totally baffled until grandma explained when you were little you loved playing with the figures in the christmas nativity set where we that we displayed by the fireplace one year you lost one of the wise men i was so mad they're supposed to be three and you just can't get a replacement wise man But you just found him.

[401] On close inspection, you can see that the figurine was molded into old -fashioned clothes and was painted until the fire burned it off.

[402] We figure Mom must have dropped the wise man into the crevice between the chimney and the wall, making him irretrievable until the wall was destroyed.

[403] Oh, my God.

[404] There's a happy ending to the burned down house, too.

[405] My parents donated the land to Habitat for Humanity, and now a family lives in a new house built there.

[406] Blue.

[407] Oh, it's not blue.

[408] That's the name.

[409] Okay, but was that an evil fire starting wise man?

[410] Yes, but he waited years and years.

[411] He's like, I'm going to make a quick funny joke about it.

[412] Wow, that's creepy.

[413] I'm going to wait until everybody related to losing me moves away.

[414] Yeah.

[415] That's creepy.

[416] I love it.

[417] Isn't it good?

[418] But it's like, imagine, then I just go crazy thinking about like, all the things hidden in a house.

[419] Yeah.

[420] If it's a family house that's passed down and all the things that are just like, this wasn't a crevice.

[421] One time at our old house, I remember looking into a heating vent and seeing something down there.

[422] Oh, I bet there's so much shit in heating vents.

[423] And pulling it off and finding a ring down there that was like, it was either mine or my sisters.

[424] We had lost it like a year before.

[425] But then being like, I think that was one of my first treasure experiences where I was like finding lost things where it's like.

[426] like, oh, yeah, you don't think about, is something drops and you didn't notice it.

[427] Well, the weird thing, too, is when something should be somewhere and disappears.

[428] Like, my mom, my sister was a little baby toddler, dropped my mom's wedding ring.

[429] It was never found.

[430] Like, on the floor.

[431] One time I threw a Barbie at my sister's head, the shoe flew off into the closet, and we never found it.

[432] It was like, where did the shoe?

[433] The shoe should have been there, you know?

[434] And I always figured we'd find it when we moved, but we never did.

[435] Yeah.

[436] Where'd it go?

[437] I don't know.

[438] But that just made me think of my favorite picture I ever saw.

[439] on Tumblr was someone put Barbie shoes on two cigarettes, and it looks like...

[440] That's funny.

[441] It looks like a person walking down the street.

[442] It's my favorite picture.

[443] I like that.

[444] I love Barbie shoes.

[445] Yeah, they're really ridiculous.

[446] They're such choking hazards.

[447] Right?

[448] Because you had to chew them.

[449] Oh, I totally chew them.

[450] Did they still have them all the time?

[451] I don't know.

[452] Does Barbie still have normal shoes?

[453] Choking hazard shoes?

[454] Can it, like a seven -year -old write in and just tell us.

[455] what's the Barbie shoe status right now that's right is she still in permanent high heel position those poor feet that used to stress me you know my mom didn't let us have Barbies no she was against huh my mom should have been if someone gave them to us we got to keep them if it was a gift but she wouldn't buy them we were obsessed like that's all we did is played with Barbies yeah we got weird hippie like this is a family that owns their own RV yes exactly that owns their own organic farm for real my sister got a thing one year and we were both looking at it like what the fuck we've never seen a commercial for this family where the mom is shaped normally and the children are you know what I mean like no one wears a corset in this family I used to steal my brother's fucking G .I. Joe and he and Barbie would bang.

[456] Hell yes.

[457] I would just smash those plastic bodies together.

[458] There was something so satisfying about smashing Barbie doll bodies together and whatever weird made -up sex idea that you had.

[459] That's what you think fucking is.

[460] Right.

[461] And you just got to work through it.

[462] It's kind of I feel like in a way they kind of gave them to us that was part of like get ready for this weird panic that's coming in four years and that is what sex is just smashing your plastic fucking bodies to smash your plastics together god i got to get my plastic smash pretty soon i would have my plastic smashing fucking ever oh i haven't had my plastic smash in 25 years has a bit of plastic smash in this house in 25 you hey y 'all happy fucking new year happy fucking new year listen let's all let's all promise each other right fucking now let's set our intentions for 2019 yeah that we're all going to make it happen make it happen let's make it happen in 2019 everybody let's all smash our plastics together in 2019 damn plastics tonight but safely but say safe safe safe and consensual plastic smashing all night let's do this thing all of 2019 y 'all stay sexy and don't get murdered goodbye happy new year happy new year Elvis, want a cookie?

[463] Good boy.

[464] He's like, yes.

[465] Abs a fucking too.