“5 More Minutes, Mom!” Getting Resistant Kids to Move

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[24] Hey, everyone.

[25] Welcome to the Celebrate Calm podcast.

[26] This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm.

[27] You can find it's at CelebrateColm .com.

[28] So this is what I want to talk about.

[29] This is a really, really good example of how to turn a power struggle into a bonding moment.

[30] Because I've gotten a bunch of emails this past week from people who got the No BS program.

[31] There's 25 steps in there.

[32] And one of the steps is how to actually turn your most common power struggles into bonding moments.

[33] And so people are really kind of grooving on that right now because it's a really cool thing.

[34] when you can take something that really irritates you, and it usually is a source of friction and tension and mom and dad getting upset, when you can actually turn that around and use it to your advantage is an awesome thing.

[35] So if you just put some time into that, and that's what I want you to do with this program is, you know, I don't want you just rush through the program.

[36] There's a workbook.

[37] There's cheat sheets.

[38] There's written stuff.

[39] As you go through our stuff, take some time, right?

[40] This is not just like, oh, I'm going to read a book, and then I'm done.

[41] I want you to really wrestle with this stuff.

[42] And so when you get to this action step and you start writing down, okay, what's a common power struggle with our child?

[43] How do we normally handle it?

[44] What's the normal response and reaction to that?

[45] And then I start to say, well, what if I did the opposite?

[46] How can I, and you'll hear in the boot camp program, BS program, no BS program and other things, here's talking about instead of fighting things entering in.

[47] So let me give you an example, and this one is from one of our boot camps.

[48] A great mom came out, mom and dad, got two boys, both strong will, but we're talking about an eight -year -old.

[49] And he struggles in school a little bit more.

[50] He's been diagnosed as dyslexic.

[51] By the way, for your kids who have been diagnosed as dyslexic, no, they're going to be really, really frustrated kids, and you're going to be really patient with schoolwork and especially homework.

[52] By the time they get home from school, they are so tapped out.

[53] It is just brutal for them.

[54] So try not to.

[55] I'm not going to say try.

[56] Don't.

[57] Just don't assume, well, you're just not even working hard.

[58] You know, they're tapped out, so it's going to be frustrating.

[59] So I want them to get some exercise beforehand.

[60] I want to create a success when they come home from school before I dive into doing more things that are extremely difficult for them.

[61] He's the most defiant bossy and super, super intense child they have.

[62] He's exhausting.

[63] And lately he's obsessed with sports.

[64] He always has a ball in his hand at all times.

[65] One of the things you'll learn in our program, one of the other insights is you've just got to observe your kids, right?

[66] So if he always has a ball in his hands, well, how do I use that?

[67] It means it's something comfortable to him.

[68] It means it's stimulating.

[69] He enjoys it.

[70] There's probably a tactile sensory part to it.

[71] So if I'm reviewing vocabulary words with him.

[72] I'm going to do it while he's got the ball in his hand, maybe spinning it on one finger.

[73] You know, we're a great place.

[74] Oh, we'll work into that.

[75] We'll do a great place to do homework with this kid.

[76] But anyway, I want to use those things.

[77] Instead of fighting it all the time, if I'm as teacher, I'm going to have like a soft little Nerf ball or something.

[78] And when I want to have a conversation with him or I ask him a question, I'm going to toss him this little ball because then when he's playing with it and feeling it's working out his tension and stimulating his brain will probably help him learn better, right?

[79] So look, I could stop the podcast right then, and I think that's enough for us today.

[80] Observe your kids and then beginning using what you observe to your advantage instead of fighting it all the time.

[81] But we're not going to stop there.

[82] Let's keep going.

[83] So our biggest challenge with this son is when it's time to come inside for the night, whether to eat dinner, take a bath, read, go to bed.

[84] He pushes and pushes.

[85] By the way, of course.

[86] Of course.

[87] he is.

[88] Who wants to come in and take a bath and read, go to bed?

[89] I'd rather be outside, too.

[90] So we've got to get him inside, right?

[91] So I'm not making excuse.

[92] I'm just saying, of course he pushes for more time, right?

[93] So it's always five more minutes.

[94] You know, mom, I'll come in when I get five shots in a row, right?

[95] I'm not hungry.

[96] That's a great one, right?

[97] I'm not hungry.

[98] I'm not tired, right?

[99] You know, you've got to step back.

[100] Love your kids, right?

[101] Who reasonably expect a child, an eight -year -old boy who's having a great time outside to come, when his parents say, come in, come do all the things you least want to do right now and then go to bed instead of doing something really fun.

[102] I mean, what human being, what human being has their first response?

[103] Okay, mom and dad, right away.

[104] I'm just saying, step back a little bit and realize It's like this summer, I've seen kids at the beach, moms and dads at the beach, you're like, honey, come on, are you ready to get out of the water now?

[105] No, of course not.

[106] I get one week at the beach every year.

[107] Swimming in the ocean is the most fun activity on the face of the planet for many of your kids.

[108] And then think what you're saying, hey, you know that thing that you get to do once a year and it's more fun than anything else you'll ever do in your life?

[109] hey get out of the water and then come up and you're going to take a shower and then we're going to put you on uncomfortable clothes and go out to dinner to some seafood restaurant where the smell is going to make you sick and you're going to get in trouble because you can't sit still at the table ready right like that's not natural so if like i watch parents on the beach i'm like well he's he's just difficult i'm like no maybe your attitude toward it needs to change it's not that you allow your kids to get away with things and be like, okay, just stay in.

[110] But you've got to realize their mindset and that they're not just being rebellious and difficult because they don't want to get out of the ocean to go get yelled at or because they don't want to come inside from playing basketball to take a stupid shower and eat a meal they don't want to eat and then go to bed, right?

[111] So it helps knowing that so that your tone changes and you don't get immediate, like, I don't understand why you can't do what we tell you to do.

[112] It's not that hard.

[113] well anyway so he doesn't want to do you know i want to play basketball so the mom dad good parents like how do we how do we change this because this scene replicates itself night after night look you've got a couple options you can double down on the consequences and i don't have a problem with that at all i look here's one look jacob look i'm going to give you seven more minutes seven minutes when this basketball buzzer or music goes off you because i like nonverbals right he likes basketball so get like a little air horn or something right you must be inside within 35 seconds look i'm playing to his interest in college basketball the shot clock limit is 35 seconds for every minute that you are late coming in you forfeit 15 minutes of playtime tomorrow night right i have no problem with that we call it in our curriculum, you'll hear it in our CDs and stuff, time for time.

[114] I did that with my son all the time.

[115] You take seven minutes of my time, it's going to cost you 45 minutes of your time, pal.

[116] Don't mess with me. Every minute you are late, you end up losing 15 minutes or forfeiting 15 minutes the following night.

[117] I have no problem with the tough route.

[118] It may actually work in this situation as he begins to see, you're not causing a lot of drama.

[119] you're just letting him know there's a shock clock he's got some time but if he abuses that privilege it ends up costing him and you don't when you follow through you're not going to be like you know what we told you last night if you would have come in on time you would have been like cut the snotty stuff out there's no need for it just let him know this is how i roll when i ask you to come in expect you to come in give you seven more minutes you got to be in within 35 seconds that's your shock clock my friend shock lock isn't look if you're if you're playing on my basketball team and you're being selfish on the court guess what second half or the game tomorrow night you're not on the court my friend it's just how I roll that's how a coach rolls and that's how I'm going to roll so that may work and you have every right to do that but it also may devolve into more power struggles so let me use this as an example of turning power struggles into bonding moments and entering in what if you were to go outside sometime and I do like dad's doing this.

[120] Mom, you can do it too, but I love father and son.

[121] I love this great moment.

[122] And for dad, sometimes we struggle with this.

[123] Like, you know what?

[124] When I tell you to get in, you get in.

[125] When I was a kid, if I'd stayed outside, I'm not going to tell you one more time.

[126] And I guarantee you to do that over and over and over again.

[127] Father and son are not going to like each other.

[128] There's going to be continual friction.

[129] Then mom's going to get upset at dad and it's going to create this whole thing, right?

[130] It just doesn't work.

[131] So cut it out.

[132] So what if mom or dad were to go outside and instead just calling them in say you know what i love about you jacob i love that you want to be outside see because all the other kids in the neighborhood have you noticed none of them are out here can you hear how quiet it is in our neighborhood you know why because all of them have their faces buried in a screen see they're they're trying to get more time playing their video games but you know what i like about you is you're outside you're doing something physical and you're passionate about basketball you know what else i like about you your dedication.

[133] You're out here shooting foul shots.

[134] You've got persistence because you want to get better.

[135] So you know what I see?

[136] I see dedication.

[137] I see persistence.

[138] I see discipline right now at getting better at foul shots.

[139] And I love that quality in you.

[140] Now inside what you're thinking is, I'd love to see the same qualities with chores and schoolwork and homework and picking up your bedroom.

[141] But don't say that.

[142] That's where you get in trouble and I forbid you.

[143] Because We all want to do that.

[144] You know what?

[145] You're really good at being persistent and dedicated at shooting foul shots.

[146] You know, honey, if you would just take that same, those same qualities and apply them to picking up your bedroom and to studying, you can have better.

[147] If you do that stuff, you just ruin the moment, right?

[148] It's that, hey, great job, but.

[149] So stop that stuff.

[150] Stop it.

[151] Please, because you're going to ruin your relationship with this child.

[152] And he's going to end up.

[153] Just being negative all the time and you're just going to have continual power struggles.

[154] But watch, I just went out and said, I love that you're out here.

[155] I love that you're outside, that your face isn't buried in the screen.

[156] Thank you that we don't have to fight over screens all the time.

[157] Thank you.

[158] That's a gift.

[159] And I love that you're persistent.

[160] I love your dedication.

[161] You know, if you, so let's go a little bit further with us of entering in and turning the power struggle.

[162] So what if you were to get out there and start shooting foul shots?

[163] with him.

[164] What if you were to say, so show me, because you wanted, you know what I love, I love and he said, let me get five in a row.

[165] I was so much like that as a kid, and I still am.

[166] Like, I still like to end on a win on like doing that.

[167] There's a little bit of an OCD quality in there too, right?

[168] It's like tidying things up.

[169] It's making sure like, no, I can't come in until I get five in a row, right?

[170] So recognize that.

[171] He's telling you something about himself by all of this.

[172] And if you will slow down and listen to your kids and watch what they do it will tell you so much about them but part of the reason i'm so passionate about you coming to our boot camp and listen to the no BS program and all of these things by the way go to our website uh now right after this look up um do it even right now while you're listening celebrate calm dot com you'll see two tabs you're going to see one up front for no BS it's a phenomenal program get it listen to it work through it it will change your with this child.

[173] This is cool, cool stuff that can take you from lecturing and yelling and being at opposite with your child and always being frustrated to having a really close bond with him.

[174] Look, there's a tab called camps.

[175] We've got two boot camps left for the rest of the year where you get six hours to be with me. If you do the boot camp, you get the no BS program free, so you can listen to that first.

[176] So when you show up to boot camp, you've got questions and we'll work through it.

[177] So look that stuff up.

[178] Anyway, what an awesome opportunity for you to sit and shoot foul shots and say, so what are you learning about this?

[179] You know what I've noticed you're getting better at your foul shots.

[180] What do you, what have you learned?

[181] Instead of you going in and saying, well, if you would do this, because he's more likely to ask you for help once you've acknowledged what he's doing well, right?

[182] Play a game of horse.

[183] Laugh, play, be a little bit physical, encourage, teach your child.

[184] Remember, that phrase we use sometimes before you get compliance you have to connect connect before compliance well now you've connected and now you can use we teach in the programs this low tone of voice right so now you just shot some foul shots you just had a little game you've been a little bit physical that's good right it's good some of your kids are very physical so do that right you've encouraging you've taught you've connected now you can just say hey good game listen it's time to go in now.

[185] While we're eating, while you're taking your bath, why don't we talk about some different strategies that you can use in your game Saturday morning?

[186] Because I've noticed you're really good at posting up.

[187] I've noticed you're really good at driving to the right.

[188] You know what?

[189] Why not tomorrow night?

[190] Tomorrow night?

[191] Right?

[192] We've got to go in right now.

[193] See, I'm leading.

[194] We've got to go in right now.

[195] We're going in.

[196] But when we do, let's talk about, hey you know what if you can learn how to dribble with your left hand and dribble to the left man now you've got opportunities for the right and left so you're entering in instead of like stop playing basketball why do you always have to have a ball in your hands now i'm using that to my advantage and i draw them into a conversation and i'm breathing into it instead of fighting it all of the time and i guarantee you if you will do things like that you'll create amazing memories that you and your son will remember forever and i guarantee when he's older he's going to tell his kids yeah my mom used to come out my dad used to come out and it would be dark and then my dad we were having such a good time my dad look this almost made me cry for a second it made me not cry but it made me a little i felt a little tinge in there kind of like a little bit of a crying thing of like um with my dad because my dad as many of you know was not always the greatest dad but he played sports with us and there were times this is something my dad would have done it's what i did with case he would have gone in got his car keys come out turn the car on and blasted and put the headlamps on so we could have played a little bit after dark can you picture this now of this kid coming in and now dad's got his arm or mom got his arm around the child and they just bonded over this time where they got to break the rules a little bit because all the other kids were in especially now I know it's summer but if you do this during the school year because in a during school year they've got to be in a certain time you've got to keep your routines I get that but once in a while break the rules because all the other kids in the neighborhood are in which they are anyway because they're on stupid screens but now you just broke the rules and you're look if you're a little kid and your mom and your dad just went in and got his car keys and turn the lights on on his car so that you could keep shooting foul shots and playing after dark, I guarantee you, when you walk in the house, that kid's going to do what you want because you just connected with him, right?

[197] And you can mix these strategies up because you can do that second one of bonding for a few days, but let them know.

[198] Say, listen, Jay, I'm really enjoying this time with you, but some nights are just code red nights.

[199] You can't play outside.

[200] I'm not going to turn the lights on.

[201] You simply need to be the team leader and do what I tell you to do.

[202] You need to lead by example to your younger brother and you need to come in when I ask you to.

[203] Right?

[204] So when I say, hey, Jacob, it's code red night tonight, right?

[205] Listen, you got to get your little butt in, right?

[206] That's just how we work sometimes.

[207] But it's not, but you've already bonded with him other nights and you're showing him, yes, sometimes we can do it and sometimes we don't.

[208] But when I tell you to come in, I expect you to do what I say, but he's more likely to listen to you if you've bonded.

[209] You can even do the code red night because that may be a night you've got to go bed, you're going somewhere, whatever it is, or you're just tired, and you don't feel like shooting foul shots because some nights you don't.

[210] Some nights are a code red night.

[211] It's just that some of you, your child's entire life is code red.

[212] It's always no, no, no, no, no all the time.

[213] So you've got to, you can't do that all the time.

[214] You've got to give them things that they can do.

[215] and you've got to bond with them over this.

[216] This is a really cool thing that you can do because when you do that, now when you do need to lay down the law and you need something, and I remember I did this a lot with my son.

[217] I'd say, case, listen, it's just one of those nights.

[218] Just need to trust me. You need to get your butt inside, right?

[219] And when you come inside and you're in the shower or you're eating dinner, here's what we'll talk about.

[220] So I can still lead.

[221] Or, listen, we've got a role because your sister has a soccer game.

[222] We've got this going on.

[223] mom needs this.

[224] We've got to get your grandmother in the hospital.

[225] So we've got to go.

[226] So you need to come inside, wash up, grab a snack on the way to the hospital.

[227] Listen, this is what we could talk about because I've got some ideas for you.

[228] I was watching this game last night basketball game.

[229] I've got some ideas.

[230] We're still connecting, but we're getting the child to move.

[231] And so I want you to begin to use this process.

[232] And this is what we do in the boot camp.

[233] And a no BS program is how do you use the same process for morning routine, for getting kids off video games, for dinner time, moving kids more quickly, going to church, whatever your power doing chores.

[234] How can you enter in and create power struggles?

[235] Because if you begin to do this, and I want you to imagine, imagine that scene, we just turned a power struggle into a bonding moment.

[236] And if you learn to do these things, you can save literally hundreds of fights throughout your child's childhood.

[237] And look, if you got older kids, it's not too late.

[238] You can begin doing this stuff when your child's 14, when they're 17.

[239] But do it now.

[240] Do it over the summer.

[241] While there's no school stress, if we can help you out with this, let us know, email my son Casey, C -A -S -E -Y, at Celebrate Calm .com.

[242] And if you need help financially with any of these programs, ask for the help.

[243] If you sign up for boot camp, you get the No BS program free.

[244] If you need help financially, ask for it.

[245] We like assertive people.

[246] But this week, I want you to begin working on this and turn one of the power struggles into a bonding moment and boom we got this done in under 20 minutes pretty cool huh hey thanks for being a good parent thanks for being invested if we can help you out let us know if you want to bring us to your school your church your foster care adoption agency to your corporation reach out to the kid Casey he'll help you out he's an awesome he's an awesome young man that he can help you out anything we can help you with just let us know we're here for the long haul and we want to see this relationship repaired and we're rebuilt thanks so much bye bye