Bill Hader

[0] Hi, my name's Bill Hater, and I feel great about being Connor O 'Brien's friend.

[1] Ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are going to be friends, tell that we are going to be friends.

[2] Hey there, welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[3] I had to pause briefly for this introduction because I was finishing chewing.

[4] This is an Asian chicken salad?

[5] Yes.

[6] Yes.

[7] And I didn't want to be chewing on the air.

[8] So I don't even know why I mentioned this because you didn't know that I had to delay.

[9] So this is just more evidence that I'm new to this format, and I desperately do need a friend.

[10] Joined today by, of course, my trusty assistant, Sona, Mav Sessian.

[11] Hey, Sona.

[12] Hey, Conan.

[13] That salad looks really good.

[14] It is good.

[15] It's a good, very good.

[16] Chinese chicken salad?

[17] It's a Chinese chicken salad, but you're eating it.

[18] I took out a lot of the fried wanton pieces.

[19] Is that what it's called?

[20] Yeah, the wanton's.

[21] Yeah.

[22] Well, you're eating, but nobody else is eating.

[23] This is, I think it's important to point that out.

[24] In ancient times, the king would eat.

[25] Oh, my God.

[26] And everyone had to watch the king eat.

[27] No, I believe you've, have you guys eaten?

[28] No, my stomach's growling.

[29] Oh, I'm pretty hungry.

[30] There's a guy over there who's always discontented, Matt Goreley, the podcast Whiz.

[31] Do you have not eaten yet today?

[32] I haven't, no. But don't.

[33] worry about me. Okay.

[34] Thanks.

[35] I'm sure you have some food stashed in your beard.

[36] Little, little tic -tats, a little bit of barbecue bison that's been dried.

[37] What is this weird obsession with how I look at?

[38] Are you going to single white female me?

[39] No. You mean that I will dress up like you?

[40] Yeah.

[41] So that I can sleep with Henry Fonda's granddaughter?

[42] Boy, I'm not sure that's how it works.

[43] I don't know either.

[44] Peter Fonda's daughter.

[45] Yes.

[46] Why did I say Henry Fonda's granddaughter?

[47] I don't know.

[48] But she is that as well.

[49] She is that as well.

[50] I mean, you're not wrong.

[51] I just got a little more complicated than I needed to.

[52] That's all.

[53] And Jane Fonda's niece?

[54] Right.

[55] Bridget Fonda.

[56] We could have just used her name.

[57] You guys could have just said Bridget Fonda.

[58] It could have saved a lot of time.

[59] Yeah.

[60] I have to admit, when my ancestor was at Ford's Theater when Lincoln was shot and he ran out of the theater and said, Robert Lincoln's father's been shot.

[61] And people are like, what?

[62] And he went, you know, the husband of Mary Todd has been injured.

[63] And they're like, what?

[64] He's like, I'm telling you.

[65] Why aren't you listening to me?

[66] The great grandson of Jebediah Lincoln has been shot.

[67] Oh, my God.

[68] Is that his real grandfather's name?

[69] Probably not.

[70] But, you know, 50 % chance, because 50 % of people in the world back then were named Jebediah.

[71] Anyway, why babble like this?

[72] Let's get to it.

[73] Let's get to it.

[74] But very excited today because someone who I just love hanging out with always makes me laugh.

[75] A giggling fool and a hilarious, hilarious, multi -talented gentleman is joining us.

[76] Mr. Bill Hater.

[77] Hey, Bill.

[78] You got a podcast.

[79] Some podcasts.

[80] People get real on podcasts.

[81] Okay, well, let's get real, man. Let's get into the dirt.

[82] You know, first of all, no swearing.

[83] This is mostly for children But second of all You know We're not going to have any joking around during this thing Okay?

[84] Because this is a chance for us to find out Who the real Bill Hater is and get We're not going to fuck around And then I just swore We're going to get into the nitty -gritty No Every time we swear it's like Wanker Waw -Wat Wai -Wikwit Wai -Wat Whoa Boo So I'm Yo -Oing So anyway, man, I was, you know, I was doing drugs and I was really hating myself, you know, and I was just so up and...

[85] It was hard to understand.

[86] Conan tried to get real with Bill Hader, and I think I only heard every third word.

[87] Yeah, it got really real, and it was a lot of great sound effects, too.

[88] When I was a guy, when I was a kid, I've never talked about this before, but there was an uncle I had, and he came over when my parents weren't home, and I've never told anyone, but...

[89] Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing.

[90] And then he would And then one time Well, that's all the time we have, Bill.

[91] That's a spicy meat, bob.

[92] Wow, we really got into it with Bill.

[93] He left a shell.

[94] He was just a shell when he left.

[95] I've never told anybody about any of this thing.

[96] and I'll never say it ever again.

[97] And even your therapist listens, I didn't understand a word.

[98] It's like, look, ah.

[99] Yeah, it's just someone.

[100] All right, now let's get into a man because, you know, this is the problem.

[101] I have on you with all your noises and your schick.

[102] Yeah.

[103] And there's always the danger that we won't have a real conversation.

[104] Oh, right.

[105] You know, and that can't happen.

[106] That's us in life.

[107] I know.

[108] We go out to dinner sometimes sometimes, and it's just pure foolishness the whole time.

[109] Hello, sir.

[110] Why?

[111] Yes.

[112] What did you say recently that we both have a fondness for?

[113] We have a crutch, which is antiquated terms.

[114] I prefer fondness to crutch.

[115] But I...

[116] It is like...

[117] It's true.

[118] We were doing a bit of arguing with each other, and I said, My seconds will call on your second.

[119] Yes, sir.

[120] And there's no one else.

[121] Fourth one.

[122] There's no one else I could.

[123] do that.

[124] No, I love old telephones.

[125] I love two of the writers that I worked with on The Simpsons were they were similarly obsessed with, it was Oakley and Weinstein, they were similarly obsessed with old -fashioned, I think, mannerisms and customs.

[126] And we used to just sit around forever and say things, just talk for as long as we could in late 19th century foolish babble.

[127] And it was all about the wex.

[128] The clerk, you know, moved, unfastened his cellophane cups and moved the wax cylinder carefully into position, you know, and it was, but they're the ones that came up with Mr. Burns answers the phone, and this was a true thing.

[129] I think Edison really wanted people.

[130] He thought that the etiquette, or was Edison or Graham Bell, early on, they thought the etiquette of answering a phone should be a hoi -hoi.

[131] Oh, right, yes, yes.

[132] So they had Mr. Burns, instead of a hello, they thought it should be, Ahoy, hoi -hoi, and then I forget what it was that you replied.

[133] Yeah.

[134] It was like, ahoy, hoi -hoi -hoi.

[135] Ah -hoi -ha -ha -ha.

[136] Yeah, it was a -hoi -backman.

[137] Ah -hoi -ha -ha -ha.

[138] And then that meant the conversation could begin.

[139] And I love the arrogance of saying, this is the telephone.

[140] Yeah.

[141] And this is how it will be used from now and for the next thousand years.

[142] Yeah, controlling that.

[143] Controlling that.

[144] And then people were like, what the fuck?

[145] I'm going to say hello.

[146] I'm going to say.

[147] I'm just going to go, hey, what's up.

[148] Yeah.

[149] No, you're not to say sup.

[150] Sup?

[151] You're not supposed to say, you're not to say was up.

[152] You're supposed to say ahoy and then you say a hoi -hoi -hoi.

[153] You don't just say K. You say a -hoi.

[154] Can you imagine them reading texts, getting really mad.

[155] Oh my God, a hoi -hoi text?

[156] What is this, you up?

[157] You up.

[158] No. You out.

[159] You out.

[160] What is you out mean?

[161] You out.

[162] You out.

[163] You up?

[164] What do you mean, new phone?

[165] Who dis?

[166] Who dis.

[167] D -I -S.

[168] If this is for fornicating, then you should say, Ahoy, hoonication plea, fornication plea, fornication plea.

[169] Oh, my God.

[170] Ahoi, hoonication plea.

[171] And then fornication accepted.

[172] Forthwith.

[173] My area shall meet your area.

[174] This is how it should have been.

[175] We will touch areas forthwith.

[176] No, I...

[177] I love all that stuff.

[178] Those fucking, those, the Simpsons jokes at that time, too.

[179] I've watched my oldest daughter, we watch The Simpsons, and those jokes, like, no one's done anything.

[180] Like, the, just the simplicity of something like when Mr. Burns is shot, and they think that Smithers did it, and Smithers being led out of a court flanked by cops, and all the reporters come up, when the first reporter goes, hello, who are you, and where are you going?

[181] and Ken Bratman goes Damn it man do your research I get mad when I see a joke like that I'm like that is so simple and perfect that makes me so mad I you know I left there a long time ago and had this nice thing where I lost touch with the Simpsons for a while you know you work there and then you get really busy making your own stuff and so I but now through my son I'm watching Simpsons episodes and he's 13 and he loves it and so I'll sit he's not allowed to watch TV during the week but on the weekends we'll watch some Simpsons together and I'll see these jokes like...

[182] Oh, real fucking slave ship of Brian House and I'll say you know I used to write on this show I was a big deal back in the day and um but uh no I was watching one the other day and there was this joke I had never seen before and my head writer Matt said, oh my God, I love that.

[183] I remember that joke.

[184] I love that joke.

[185] Homer's walking along at night and he passes a place and it says, Jim, have you heard of this?

[186] And it's G -Y -M.

[187] And it's at night.

[188] And Homer goes, gime, what's a gime?

[189] And then he walks inside and there are all these people lifting weights and working on machines.

[190] And he goes, oh, a gime.

[191] It's so stupid.

[192] My daughter and I laughed at Lisa wants a dog and there's a bunch of puppies and wise guy The guy that Hank Azari The guy, hey, boy, yeah, yeah, yeah And he goes She goes, I want to buy a puppy And she goes, which one's the smartest?

[193] And he goes, duh, that one.

[194] And she goes, how do you know?

[195] He goes, eh, he writes mysteries.

[196] And she goes, how do he write mysteries?

[197] He goes, no, he figures at the end and he works backwards.

[198] And you're like, you just go, fuck off.

[199] You know what I love?

[200] Just as, uh, there are comics, really, you know, comics who are really brilliant.

[201] And then they don't so much love to sit around and talk about comedy and laugh.

[202] They're just, they're, they're very, uh, I don't know how to put it there.

[203] They, if you were just talking to them normally, you might think, I don't know that this person is in comedy.

[204] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[205] You see them and they become extroverts on stage, one of the things that I love about you is you love making people laugh and also laughing.

[206] And the times I've been with you or we get dinner with Martin Short and I'm just crying.

[207] Oh, my God.

[208] But you will just go in and out of these characters and you're just enjoying yourself.

[209] You're not putting on a show.

[210] It's really fun.

[211] Oh, thank you.

[212] Well, it's all an extension.

[213] Me and you and Marty were talking about this dinner was it's a weird extension of, I don't know if you've, of, for me, it was the lunchroom in high school.

[214] Like, I still feel like that's the funniest I've ever been, and that's the funniest, like, I'm not the funniest guy at my school, my friends, by far.

[215] It's other people that I'm like, those guys are so much, like, so funny.

[216] But it's just that looseness.

[217] And I remember being at S &L and for so long being so tight and going, I need to get back to, and you do, you go, whoa, when was I funny?

[218] You know, and you go, oh, in the lunchroom in high school, I was really funny.

[219] Well, what I, oh, I need to kind of be relaxed and I need to kind of be friends with everybody and feel like I can kind of fail in front of all these people and a thing doesn't work out and you don't care.

[220] And you, you know, the worst part about S &L is when you first come in and people are doing bits and you're kind of like doing the math in your head of like, well, well, say this, and then, you know, and that's death.

[221] No, it doesn't work.

[222] It doesn't work.

[223] You have to kind of just like, roll with it or whatever.

[224] And I got that way around you the first time we hung out where I'm like, oh gosh, you know, and then, and Marty and everything like that, you know, so it's nice to be able to relax.

[225] And I see other people go through that.

[226] Darcy Cardin, uh, was a great actress.

[227] She's on Barry and good place.

[228] She was my nanny forever.

[229] And I didn't know she was in comedy.

[230] And then I went, and saw her perform at UCB, and I was like, oh, not only did she do comedy, she's brilliant.

[231] Yeah, she is fantastic.

[232] And then it was like, she relaxed.

[233] And now I'm like, I'm almost, you know, I'm like, you're like one of the funniest people.

[234] How did I not know you're one of the funniest human beings on the planet, you know?

[235] And so much of it is just being relaxed.

[236] She, I was talking to Darcy once recently, and she just said, yeah, I worked in a, like, architecture.

[237] architectural firm once and you and your wife came in to talk to the architect who was there.

[238] And this is back in New York.

[239] And I'm always sort of curious, like, I hope I behaved myself.

[240] Yeah, right.

[241] I think I'm a nice person, and I like to put people at ease, and I think I'm comfortable in my own skin.

[242] But I kind of just said, like, was I okay?

[243] And she was like, oh, you were doing bits the whole time.

[244] Yeah, right.

[245] Yeah.

[246] She said, like, you know.

[247] But not in a bad way, but just like I was, I was working it with, with, and she was a reception.

[248] I think, and I thought, oh, needy, eh?

[249] Oh, needy, you know, but it is that thing that you have to kind of, you realize some of your problem, like, one of the good things about why, like, doing this stuff is, you know, you're making people laugh and you, like you're saying, you love laughing yourself and everything.

[250] But then the other bad thing is you tend to gravitate in my life, I've gravitated people who aren't nice to you because you're like, wait, why don't you?

[251] Of course.

[252] Why don't you like me?

[253] You know what I mean?

[254] It's like, wait, but I can be funny.

[255] Well, what about this?

[256] And you'd do a bigger show for them, you know, and they go, next.

[257] Interesting.

[258] I thought you were talking about a girl, and suddenly it was Lauren Michaels.

[259] No, but you know what's interesting is I, for me, the relaxed thing, it started out at, it started out with me because I grew up in a big family at the table on Sundays and me just trying to make my, my.

[260] brothers and my father laugh and if I could really get my dad laughing so that he was hunched over and I was happy and I knew there would be Sunday lunches where I would leave the table and go yeah no that today was a I really had a hot hand today I come 14 or whatever what are you talking about?

[261] You feel that way as an actor too it's the same thing where you could get emotional or if you're every time you're kind of thinking about something at home by yourself you know what I mean and no one's around, you're such a better performer than suddenly people are around, especially in the Senate Live, you just, you know, clam up.

[262] I remember my big thing was for impressions, trying to get impressions not to be kind of, the only way I could describe it.

[263] Instead of performing them, it's like acting, making them more behavioral, trying to make them sound more like, you know, add the kind of pauses and things that, and the rhythms that are in life as opposed to, because I would watch, I grew up with Dana and Phil Hartman and all those people and thinking, well, they've done it better than anybody, you know, but it was very performed.

[264] And I'm like, can I do something different, you know?

[265] And I could do it in my dressing room by myself.

[266] And then the minute I would get out on stage, you just couldn't help but be like, I want you to laugh.

[267] So you would kind of tight, you know, push it, push it a little bit and tighten up.

[268] Push it and tighten it and tighten up a bit.

[269] And it wasn't until I did Rick Perry hold.

[270] We're putting applause in later.

[271] Okay, good.

[272] Lots of applause.

[273] Big jets.

[274] Why were those military jets honoring you?

[275] I'm not what your country can do for you.

[276] Why?

[277] I have a dream.

[278] Myo, no, no, now, now, now, now.

[279] Iconic moments are honoring you.

[280] The Challenger has exploded.

[281] Oh, my God.

[282] What is happening?

[283] Too far.

[284] What is happening?

[285] Going, going, going, going.

[286] Censor.

[287] Me and Fred Armis said used to do a bit where we were guys a lifetime.

[288] We were like, it was a time life, and we were recording VO for a time life thing.

[289] It was one of those bits that only made John Mullaney.

[290] laugh, and then we tried it on the show, and it died.

[291] But it was just us in a recording booth, and you would go, you go, John Lennon.

[292] John Lennon.

[293] I'm just going to do another one.

[294] John Lennon.

[295] The Dakota.

[296] Can I just do, too?

[297] The Dakota.

[298] Mark David Chishol.

[299] And then you would have to figure out what the historical event was.

[300] So Fred did one where he was like, Day of Infamy, you know, a science teacher.

[301] And you're like, oh, is it the Challenger Explosion?

[302] You know, and you're like, no, you know.

[303] Jimmy Hendrix.

[304] Wait, Star -Spangled Banner.

[305] Well, this is one of those things that we have a lot of things that there are things that we share, and it's not just old -timey voices and contraptions, but we're also both, we love murder.

[306] Yeah, yeah.

[307] And I remember who was the guy you would do?

[308] I like dark, I always go dark, as you just saw.

[309] Yeah, and, and, but I love it too, and I think we were talking about this the other day, but it was something I noticed that, because we both, we both love crime shows.

[310] Yeah, yeah.

[311] And what I've noticed about crime shows is that they need every crime show to fit the same narrative.

[312] Yeah.

[313] And the same narrative is, happy couple, and everything was, they had the perfect life.

[314] You did this on the show when I was on the show the day, and I lost it.

[315] I laughed so hard at this.

[316] I was thinking about this because they always have to have, I was noticing it.

[317] And the narrative has to be, they were the perfect couple.

[318] They had it all.

[319] You know, their friends thought that they were meant for each other.

[320] And then it all turned into madness.

[321] And then you would look at it.

[322] And they would say, they were the perfect couple.

[323] They shared a very small trailer.

[324] He was unemployed.

[325] She had been employed, but had lost her job because of a crack addiction.

[326] But anyway, they were the perfect.

[327] And you're like, no, no, no, no, no. But these were, you know, the proverbial salad days.

[328] Yeah.

[329] But then things started to go badly.

[330] And you're like, no, no, no. And sometimes it kind of fits.

[331] But whenever they would go, they had, and then they would also do this.

[332] They loved to, so like, they had it all, the American dream.

[333] He was going to someday buy a boat.

[334] They had half a house.

[335] He had that shovel he always wanted.

[336] You're like, well, wait a minute, what dream is this?

[337] What?

[338] It's like, he finally got the shoelaces for Christmas.

[339] Yeah.

[340] And you're like, what?

[341] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[342] No, they, I always like the people who host those shows are my favorite.

[343] You did it.

[344] Morrison forever who made me laugh.

[345] Oh my God, you did such a, I mean, and he was someone who I thought, when you did that impression, I, when I said you did that impression, I thought that's someone who I didn't think anyone would do an impression out.

[346] You know I did it, and Yulbridge was Downy.

[347] I would do it for down.

[348] Jim Downey, the writer, I would do it for, legendary head writer at SNL.

[349] And he was just kind of hanging around.

[350] I don't think he was writing anything for the show at that point, but I was doing it, and he goes, you've got to do that on the show.

[351] And I just, no one knows who that is.

[352] He goes, you have to do that on the show.

[353] And so I, I agree.

[354] But, yeah, just Keith Morrison, all those guys, what's his...

[355] What did you pick up on with Keith, I can't remember.

[356] You had this observation that was...

[357] He's just very, like, sing -songy and kind of...

[358] So your dad shot you in the face.

[359] Almost like...

[360] But he goes, and he goes, that must have been wild.

[361] You know, and then the guy...

[362] Josh Mankowitz was the guy who always sounds like...

[363] He's got a cold, and he's always, you could tell Josh Mako, he's always the one in the most beautiful, like, island tropic.

[364] Any story that takes place in a beautiful place, you could tell Josh Mako was like, I'm going there.

[365] You guys, back off.

[366] Like, he's always on a beach.

[367] He does the same thing every episode.

[368] You could make a drinking game of it.

[369] He will go to a person and go, now most people, would they find their wife dead, they call 911.

[370] You didn't do that, did you?

[371] He does it, everything.

[372] You didn't do that, did you?

[373] You got in the hot tub.

[374] You got in the hot tub with your girlfriend.

[375] Now, most people watching this at home.

[376] Yeah, he's always, like, the person's like, I know where you're going with this.

[377] I know, I should have called 911.

[378] Can we just stop with the theatrics?

[379] Can we skip ahead, please?

[380] I see what you're doing here.

[381] It's very cute.

[382] I watch the show.

[383] I know what you're about to say.

[384] But Keith Morrison's the best.

[385] Where Keith Morrison, Malaney will text me sometimes, like, are you watching Keith Morrison right now?

[386] And one time he said, then there was the DNA.

[387] Oh, that pesky DNA.

[388] And we, yeah, so we, Rob Klein, another writer on SNL, and John Mullaney and I were weirdly just, and Kent, and, yeah, we're just totally obsessed with Keith.

[389] Morrison.

[390] One of my obsessions is, and it's stuff that can't be on the air, but I love, and this may come from the fact that I, you know, I grew up with very strict moral code, Irish Catholic family.

[391] And so I love riffing off of the very worst thing I could do.

[392] What is the worst thing I could do?

[393] And so one of the things I love to do is, well, Sony, you've seen me do this.

[394] I'll walk into Paula Davis's office and I'll see.

[395] I'll see, I'll see like, she's got like star magazines and stuff in there.

[396] And I'll be chatting with her and I'll just be flipping through one.

[397] And then I'll say like, shit, if I'm, I told you guys, if I'm in one of these, you shouldn't have it hanging around.

[398] And I really commit to it.

[399] So she gets upset for a second because she thinks that, oh shit, I left a tabloid out and Conan's in it.

[400] And I'm never in tabloids.

[401] I don't do anything.

[402] But I'll be like, shit, if I'm in this and she'd be like, what, what?

[403] And I'll be like, you know, Conan O 'Brien, shit's pants at Denny's.

[404] And then she'll start laughing and I'd be, and then I'd spend a whole thing where like, you know, you know, the carrot top quipster, Conan O 'Brien, I always try and have that kind of lingo, sailed into a Denny's big star here, he yelled, shoving an old woman out of the way.

[405] You hurt me, said the old woman, and I served in Korea.

[406] Fuck you, ladies, said O 'Brien.

[407] I've got a load of diarrhea in my pants and I'm going to unload it right here on the floor.

[408] So you'd shit yourself before you Yeah, exactly.

[409] And then it was just, and it always involves, there's always a little boy in a wheelchair saying, you know, sir, you're acting, you're acting in an uncivil manner.

[410] You know, hey there, Wheely.

[411] Hey, hot wheels.

[412] Hey, hot wheels, said Colonel O 'Brien to the boy who was confined to a wheelchair because of a brave act he performed in the Boy Scouts two years later.

[413] Let's see those wheels fly.

[414] The life that's happening in my head is really fun.

[415] My career is over instantly, thousands of times an hour.

[416] But it's really, I really enjoy it.

[417] I don't know what it is.

[418] That's like the other problem with, like, loving comedy and talking about it is, like, so much of it is this weird thing of you need a structure or whatever, but you also need that kind of that crazy, I can't think of the word, but just inspired idea.

[419] Yeah.

[420] That just doesn't make sense.

[421] Like that terrible sketch we tried of just saying, you know, guys in the booth, just saying John Lennon over and over again.

[422] you know one more take just one more take yeah we always go I'm just gonna do a three in a row but we would laugh really hard and I don't know why I'm like but we would all just find that funny and then try it and then and I mean people when I was on the show it was like Will Forte was the king of that Will Forte would come up with things that you were like where did this come from where he would be like a SWAT guy on a date I remember that was Megan Fox and he's this swat guy with a haircut and everything she's like wow You know, so what do you, what do you, you're on the SWAT team?

[423] Like, what do you do?

[424] And he just was like, yeah, I'm on the SWAT team.

[425] He said, but my real passion is I work on a farm.

[426] I work with sheep.

[427] And then she goes, oh, you raise sheep?

[428] And he goes, yeah, and how do you make money out there?

[429] He's like, well, I say, you know, I sell the pelts and the meat other things.

[430] She's like, oh, so you have to kill them?

[431] And he goes, yeah, it's really hard.

[432] And it was about him, a SWAT guy, but had nothing to do with him being a SWAT guy.

[433] It's the Jim Downey tells me about, I don't know if you were there when Jack Handy did the giant businessman.

[434] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[435] That sketch, which was, Phil Hartman's a giant businessman.

[436] Tom Hanks.

[437] I can't remember it very well.

[438] He's a giant businessman.

[439] Right.

[440] And he's in a small apartment.

[441] So he's this giant in a small apartment, and he's in a regular apartment kind of person -sized apartment, and the people next door are being loud, and it's like a punk band.

[442] And he crawls out into the hallway, and he knocks on the door with his finger.

[443] Yeah.

[444] And it's Tom Hanks, and he goes, you know, and the giant businessman says, excuse me, could you please be quiet?

[445] You're being quite loud.

[446] And Tom Hanks goes, no, and if you do that again, I'll kick your ass.

[447] You know, he closed the door, and then a giant businessman goes back to his apartment, and he dials a little small telephone, and he goes.

[448] Hello, witness protection program?

[449] So he's 50 times bigger than so.

[450] But what made it funny was that it doesn't deliver on its premise at all.

[451] No, no, no. It has nothing, him being a giant and him being a businessman has nothing to do with that sketch.

[452] When I was at Cernet Out Live, I had the office next to Jack Handy, and I was so, I would look forward to his sketches.

[453] the way a kid, like, listens for the ice cream truck.

[454] Yeah, those sketches were insane.

[455] Because they were insane and just so, and he came up with Tonsis the Cat.

[456] And there's all these insane sketches.

[457] And I'm frozen K -Men lawyer, which is amazing.

[458] Yes, so many great things.

[459] I remember he came up with one about, there's so many cool, I remember just thinking, how'd you think of that?

[460] But there was an era of westerns in the 1960s where everyone had a specialty.

[461] So, like, it was the rifle man. who was really good with a rifle.

[462] Then there was a guy who was, you know, he was, everyone had a really good gambler.

[463] Everyone had, like, had to have a really cool skill.

[464] And this is a guy whose name was Johnny Acid.

[465] And he carried vials of acid on him.

[466] And so a guy would be provoking him in a Western bar.

[467] And they'd be like, hey, hey, hey, Greenhorn.

[468] And he'd just be trying to enjoy his drink.

[469] And then suddenly he'd churn around and he'd whip out one of his vials and throw it at the guy.

[470] who deserved it, because he was a, I mean, deserved some kind of punishment.

[471] But he threw acid on the guy, and the guy was like, ha!

[472] Ha!

[473] Ha!

[474] And everybody around the person was like, oh, my God.

[475] That's terrible.

[476] That's awful.

[477] And no one thought what Johnny Acid was doing was cool.

[478] He was throwing acid on people.

[479] God, Jack Handy.

[480] Jack Handy would write, yeah, I mean, we still, I mean, we, Alec Berg and I will get into a full deep thoughts.

[481] quoting thing where we'll remember our favorite deep thoughts and just like lose our minds and that was one of the coolest moment a good deep thought was so great well they're just so perfectly worded like it's so much in the the structure of it like when you're writing so I could I was never good at like writing jokes like writing on a piece of it and like a bet that you know or like Malaney or people I met like David Tell or people like that who could just riff on a thing and they speak in jokes yes but the way that Handy wrote those like, oh, man, that is word for word perfectly right out.

[482] There was one, I'm going to butcher it.

[483] I hope I don't butcher it, but he had one deep thought, which was, and I think it was something like this, I don't know why everyone got so upset when I rushed to give the president my chocolate gun.

[484] You're like, that's a terrible idea.

[485] Of course they got upset.

[486] He had one that, the one that we laugh at was every time I see a thing.

[487] out of the corner, my eye, scuttle across the room, climb up my leg and latch its fangs onto my neck.

[488] I have to laugh, because what is that thing?

[489] First time I, I think it was one of the first times.

[490] You helped us out.

[491] We were on the late night show, and you were, I think, very new at SNL, and we had a goofy Halloween special we were going to do a Halloween episode, and they told me that you agreed to do the Vincent Price voiceover.

[492] Yeah, I did for, yeah.

[493] And it was a fantastic Vincent Price.

[494] Oh, thanks.

[495] And I remember just being delighted that you helped us out.

[496] No, that was huge.

[497] I mean, I told you this, but when I was, oh gosh, 15, my friend, Jake Thomas and I would, after school, go to his house.

[498] He lived across the street from where we went to high school, and he taped your, it was your first season your show was on.

[499] He taped it, and we would sit and watch it.

[500] and eat macaroni and cheese and watch every episode of the show.

[501] And I was saying, you know, growing up loving comedy and my dad and would, you know, watch Letterman and things like that, it was like, oh, this is like the first thing that's mine that like my dad's not going to get, and my parents aren't going to get all the jokes, but I get like the lady and the soundproof.

[502] Yeah.

[503] You know, all these great things that we just were like, this is so our thing.

[504] And so when I got to, they asked me to do that, do you want to do this thing for Conan?

[505] I was like, oh my gosh, you crazy, you know, and I, you know, I thought that was the, I was a huge thing.

[506] And then the very first talk show I was ever on was yours.

[507] And I think I was so nervous.

[508] I didn't sit down the whole time.

[509] I'm just kind of like up.

[510] I watch it.

[511] I'm like, I'm up like this the whole time.

[512] You keep getting out of that.

[513] I was just like, oh, yeah, yeah, no, no. And then like, you know, and, you know, just so freaked out.

[514] And I think at the break, I was like, I like.

[515] History, too.

[516] Like, be my friend.

[517] I said, you're not to speak to me. Why are you looking me in the eyes, young man?

[518] Andy, do you smell shit?

[519] I do.

[520] Oh, here it is.

[521] Oh, here it is.

[522] It's in the shape of a human being.

[523] It's a set of a featured player on sign I live.

[524] Sorry.

[525] Sorry, I don't speak complete fucking moron.

[526] I can understand what you're saying.

[527] I wish I had done that to you.

[528] I don't speak your language.

[529] I don't speak that dumb moron language.

[530] I'm a highfalutin talk show.

[531] I've always wanted to, especially with someone like you who would get it, do, I mean, I wouldn't want to do it the first time, but if you tried to engage me in the commercial break, just completely lose it on you.

[532] You're not to speak to me!

[533] And then call my executive producer, Jeff Ross!

[534] Yes, I...

[535] It spoke to me. It was warned.

[536] I am so sorry.

[537] We had the conversation a fortnight ago.

[538] Oh, shit.

[539] Very well.

[540] We'll get him all right.

[541] Don't get him out of here.

[542] I want him to see him here.

[543] I want him to see them.

[544] Pollocking you're getting.

[545] No, but yeah, I was so, oh my God, nervous, but yeah, just that was the coolest thing.

[546] And then going up, and I remember, you know, Kristen Wig would be, I said, I just did Conan.

[547] I just do the, I was kind of the first one of our group to do a talk show.

[548] Yeah, that's cool.

[549] And it was cool.

[550] It was like, I was like, this is amazing.

[551] And then the next week, Lazy Sunday happened.

[552] And everybody was like, who are these other people?

[553] It was all, yeah, it was a different thing.

[554] I mean when the cupcake thing blew up?

[555] Yeah, Andy's thing blew up.

[556] were like, the rest of us were like not, and it was a different time too, which was interesting was I think none of us were like angry or it was just like more of an envious like, oh man, that'd be, oh, wow, did you see that?

[557] We'd never been that close to a thing that was like a phenomenon.

[558] Yep.

[559] And we were like, wow, that was so cool.

[560] And then I think it speaks to our class that people kept having that.

[561] Like when bridesmaids happen, we all were like, whoa, Kristen, your movie is like huge, you know?

[562] but it was always a place of respect and happy for our friends, you know.

[563] Yeah.

[564] It was always a nice thing, but I remember that.

[565] I remember Andy going on his mark after Lazy Sunday premiered the next show he did and got an applause break.

[566] And we were all like, whoa, my God, that's so cool, you know.

[567] But, you know, at the time, you know, you're just like, this is insane.

[568] Also, that was one of, that was one of the early, massive viral comedy hits.

[569] It was the first thing that it came out, and I went, this is awesome, what's this site that it's on YouTube?

[570] Like, it was the first YouTube video anybody ever sent me. It was Lazy Sunday.

[571] I'd never seen a YouTube video before.

[572] So that's, I mean, it was huge.

[573] Right.

[574] And now my kids don't even speak to me. All they do is say, watch this video.

[575] And they're holding their laptop.

[576] And I'll say, well, you know, and then they'll hit play, and it's an 18 -minute comedy video.

[577] and they know it by heart, but they want me to watch all of it.

[578] And sometimes I think, you know, I'd like to talk to you.

[579] Yeah, I can't do this.

[580] I'd like to hear what happened in your day.

[581] Look at this.

[582] Look, no, I've seen the Hindenburg explodes.

[583] No, my God.

[584] I've seen this a pruder film.

[585] No, but watch it all the way to.

[586] No, no, no, watch this.

[587] There's a third shooter.

[588] Yeah.

[589] What?

[590] No, I don't want to see this right now.

[591] I saw this.

[592] I know, I know this.

[593] But do you ever feel, though, like, I remember in SNL, we would watch like a news blooper and go, I'll never, we can't beat that.

[594] How the fuck do you beat that?

[595] That thing is so, because it's real and it's, I remember Andrew Steele, I showed him the news blooper where the woman goes, this man climbed at Mount Everest, but he's gay.

[596] I'm sorry, he's not gay, he's blind.

[597] Yes, I love that.

[598] And Andrew Steele didn't laugh.

[599] He just stared at it and he went, how the fuck do we beat that?

[600] You know what I mean?

[601] He was like, that's so fucking funny.

[602] How am I gonna, you know, I made a man. I say this all the time, which is the business changed.

[603] And I don't believe in complaining about things just change.

[604] But now it is, we get a lot of really funny people together and we work hard to try and make some funny stuff and put it on the air every night.

[605] And we're not competing against.

[606] other late night shows in my opinion we're competing against eight billion people in the world and how do you beat out of eight billion people who were shooting on their phones pretty much all the time one of them's grandmother is going to slip on a turtle and go head first into a vat of caramel and it's going to be the funniest thing you ever saw or someone at a wedding is going to try and do a handstand and explode into flames Yeah, and you're going to be like, that's the funniest thing.

[607] Yeah, I mean, any news blooper makes me laugh or, but even people just doing comedy, like the party bros, if you see in those videos where the guys go in front of the, like, we go in front of city councils.

[608] Yeah.

[609] They're like, hey, how are you?

[610] So we just want to say, like, you know, we want to have a bill about, you know, house parties and like the Hollywood Hills.

[611] And it's just a bit they're doing, but it's so funny.

[612] And it's playing out like, it's like, it's a theater piece.

[613] They're doing like a live performance piece.

[614] Well, it's all counsel.

[615] That's what they say.

[616] And it always makes me laugh.

[617] But then like the nice thing is then I also like watching, we were talking about the other day, like Tim Robinson's new show.

[618] Yeah, yeah.

[619] I think you should leave.

[620] Like when I saw that, it was just cool seeing a guy that I knew on Saturday Night Live who, you know, was an actor.

[621] And then he got, you know, however you want to look at it.

[622] He became a writer on the show.

[623] They didn't think he was working as an actor, and then he was a writer, and then he did the show The Detroiters, which was hilarious.

[624] And it's just so awesome to see his show in the midst of all this stuff.

[625] Me now, since that show's aired, I've had so many people, semi -clips of it.

[626] Oh, it's getting so much attention.

[627] And people coming out and they're going, did you see this?

[628] And so that makes me happy that in this world of, as you said, we're competing against the whole.

[629] human race there's still room for a new sketch voice to come in or a voice that is doing that and you go oh my god or broad city or whatever it is I like it when the right thing happens I just feel like oh the world does make sense when a really funny person exists and somehow in all the noise and madness they find a way to get their message out there and it resonates when people are like hey yeah i know to check that out yeah it's like that's why i love like broad city was that way you know and and uh and and you know just things like that where you kind of go oh is people still interested in this and i like that my you know when i saw the his the first episode of that i just was like i stood up i was like oh i'm so happy that this exists if i was you know i'm a fan of it now but you know i had that feeling you have when i first about your show, you're 15, and you're doing the bits the next day for people and, you know, and all that.

[630] It's so funny when people, your generation, and it means a lot to me, I love it, but when people your generationists, you or Mullaney talk about watching the show and liking what I was doing when you were 15, and I think, I wish I had known.

[631] Just because we were kind of in a vacuum, and people at NBC, you know, for at least a couple of years, weren't thrilled about what we're doing, and they were much older than me, so they didn't understand what we were doing and I remembered it feeling very well we think this is really funny but it took a couple of years and I sometimes wish you guys had time machines and you could go back and go we're big comedy stars from 2019 leave this show alone he's doing the right thing leave our Conan alone ready dog yes sir of course you have no proof that your huge comedy stars in 2019.

[632] Yeah.

[633] Where's your proof?

[634] Look at this iPhone.

[635] What?

[636] Yeah, shoot me. Gun!

[637] He just had an iPhone.

[638] You killed Bill Hader in 2019.

[639] The future hasn't actually been affected at all.

[640] I guess the butterfly effect isn't here.

[641] Someone else is starring in Barry.

[642] Yeah, wow.

[643] Rain Wilson is.

[644] Wow.

[645] That turned out okay, universe.

[646] Yeah, but yeah, no, no, it's true, though.

[647] And now I feel the same way where I've had people come up to me and I meet somebody and they'll go, oh, man, you know, I was in college when you guys are doing a, you know, documentary now and now they're an influence this thing.

[648] And so we're trying to do this documentary now type thing and they're this, you know, 20 -something filmmaker and them saying how much it influenced them.

[649] And we always felt like exactly what you're saying.

[650] We made it in a vacuum and it came out and no one really cared.

[651] Right.

[652] You were like, cool.

[653] Well, we made it for us.

[654] We liked it, you know.

[655] We did get a check.

[656] We got a check.

[657] This was cool.

[658] I bought some burritos with it.

[659] Yeah.

[660] It's like, all right.

[661] Well, we got a couch.

[662] But at the same time, it's like, you know, the scene.

[663] Like I said, I had a meeting with this guy and just hearing him and I had the exact same feeling you did.

[664] I'm like, I wish you would have come by the set and said, Good work, guys.

[665] Right, because at times you...

[666] Well, I don't think people know, people don't know, they assume that if you're on TV and you're saying things and getting laughs, that all is right in your world.

[667] Yeah.

[668] And they don't know that that's what it looks like, but from your perspective, you feel like you're hanging on by your fingernails sometimes.

[669] Oh, my God, yeah.

[670] And I know you had a ton of anxiety at SNL and in your career, and I have too, and I've talked a lot about it, and just how much I try to tell people almost like I'm proselytizing when you look at other people and envy them be careful because you don't know how it feels to them and they often in that moment it takes years sometimes to figure out oh I guess I was doing some okay work back then and I'm I didn't know people liked it that much right oh okay well good yeah that was all right you know I always And then just then, someone drives by in a Prius and just like, you suck now!

[671] Yeah, no, right now, today.

[672] Today you suck.

[673] May night, 2019, you suck.

[674] Yeah, that's what I one time was walking down the street with my mother -in -law of the time, and a car pulled up and a cab driver pulled that thing and went, Hey, SNL, you and your show fucking suck.

[675] What?

[676] Did you love that?

[677] Yeah, and I was like, oh, and she went, what was that?

[678] And I go, oh, that's Rick.

[679] Good kid.

[680] I know him.

[681] I know all the cab drivers.

[682] I just didn't know what to say, but it was like, Jesus.

[683] Yeah, you are like a hometown team in New York.

[684] And like if it's not working, fucking people will let you know.

[685] Or even if it isn't working that week.

[686] That's what I mean.

[687] Yeah, that week, it was like, ugh.

[688] Laugh again as Stefan, huh?

[689] All right.

[690] It's been a little shady, buddy.

[691] Yeah.

[692] Thanks, Cap Driver.

[693] Wow.

[694] All right.

[695] Well, thank you.

[696] Like, anyway.

[697] But, yeah, I don't know.

[698] It was very strange.

[699] But I totally, that is very true, because I will go up to people like you or Marty or people like, oh, you have no idea what your thing.

[700] And they always, oh, thank you, thank you.

[701] But there's always this feeling like, really?

[702] That thing?

[703] Yeah.

[704] You really like that thing, huh?

[705] Yeah.

[706] Because my experience was it was, we busted her ass and no one liked it.

[707] Yeah.

[708] Cool.

[709] I didn't know people liked it, yeah.

[710] Yeah, there was a movie Hot Rod I did, and I've had so many people come up to me and go, oh my God, Hot Rod, Dave and Hot Rod, we love that.

[711] And, you know, I remember when that movie came out, we got like up 30 in Rotten Tomatoes and everything in the box office.

[712] It lost a lot of money, and we were all depressed and, like, oh, geez, oh, wow, this didn't work.

[713] And now, you know, I'll be at a Q &A, and I go, oh, yeah, Hot Rod, and it was like, you know, and you just, you had no idea.

[714] I did a lot of pornography in 91.

[715] Oh, I remember that.

[716] And I didn't hear, but I never heard anything.

[717] The Red Rocket series.

[718] The Red Rocket, and I never heard, no one ever said, at the time, at the time no one ever said anything about it.

[719] And now if I'm somewhere, they're like, fuck Red Rocket.

[720] Red Rocket, you saved my marriage.

[721] And I just wish they're like, it's very instructional.

[722] I wish people.

[723] We did those really instructional porn.

[724] No one said anything.

[725] It was like a learning to play guitar video.

[726] All right.

[727] Yeah.

[728] This.

[729] We're going to.

[730] Start, okay, here's what you need.

[731] Here's what you need.

[732] What I usually do, I mean, everyone's different.

[733] I hold it this way.

[734] I hold it this way.

[735] You hold it that way.

[736] It really doesn't matter.

[737] So here we're going to be simple.

[738] And it's all done.

[739] And that's how it's done.

[740] I think we're out of time, which just sucks because this is so easy and fun.

[741] I love to do it again, man. No, no, all right, I'd fuck that.

[742] I fucked it up.

[743] I knew I'd fuck this up somehow.

[744] No, you'll never be back.

[745] Let's have a second date.

[746] Why not?

[747] You're not going anywhere.

[748] I got your fucking number.

[749] I'm on a second date.

[750] So that doesn't go over well in this new era.

[751] No, no, no, no. But, and huge congrats on, you know I'm a giant Barry fan.

[752] Thank you.

[753] I love the mix.

[754] that you and Mr. Berg and your team have done.

[755] You've got this great mix of pathos and tension and also it can be so funny.

[756] And I just think you've made this nice cocktail.

[757] Oh, thank you, man. It blends really well.

[758] The Fourier consideration thing you hosted for us was huge.

[759] That was awesome.

[760] I was, no, I was, I hosted a thing for the Barry cast because I just am such a fan of the show.

[761] That was so cool.

[762] And Alec, the co -creator, used to write for you.

[763] And so he was really, you know, touched.

[764] And, like, oh, wow, it was so awesome.

[765] Yeah, it all came full circle.

[766] That was cool.

[767] And now I can die.

[768] Oh, wait.

[769] Oh, wow, everybody.

[770] I know you can't see this at home, but Conan is disintegrating.

[771] Phanos.

[772] Phanos.

[773] All right, well, you're, man, you always bring me joy.

[774] That's all I can say.

[775] You bring me endless joy, and let's hang soon.

[776] All right, on this show again, because I'll be on again.

[777] No, that's not happening.

[778] Shit.

[779] It's not happening.

[780] You will never be on another podcast.

[781] I know where you, I picked you up, motherfucker.

[782] I know where you live.

[783] We're in the home stretch of this season of Conan O 'Brien needs a friend, so I think it's good that we do a state of the podcast and just see, assess where we're at, things are going well.

[784] Do you have any questions or comments?

[785] Wait a minute, you just breezed over.

[786] Things are going well.

[787] I don't, as you know, I wear many hats.

[788] hats.

[789] I do the show, the TV show, and I do the travel shows and do some touring.

[790] And so I don't know what's going on with the podcast.

[791] And I try and get answers and no one says anything.

[792] So let's have it out.

[793] Well, things are going very well.

[794] You have a perfect five -star average rating on iTunes or Apple Podcasts.

[795] Is five the best you can get?

[796] That's the most stars.

[797] There's not even space for another star.

[798] Okay.

[799] You might be the one that has them at a sixth star.

[800] Let's see if we can talk to them about adding a six -star.

[801] Oh, it's never good enough.

[802] Well, I'm just saying if there's even a chance that they will, wouldn't that blow other people's minds?

[803] That would freak out the other podcasts.

[804] If suddenly I got six and another podcast had five and let's say it's a great podcast, a fantastic podcast, but they've got five.

[805] And we just, through sheer grade grubbiness and sort of bothering and manipulating and maybe spreading a little money around.

[806] we got a six star rating.

[807] Well, what if that space for the six star was there, but it didn't color in, like it only went to half a star, so you got five and a half out of sixes.

[808] Is that a concern?

[809] That would enrage me. You're taking the perfect score that you have right now, and you want to jeopardize that by adding a six star.

[810] Yeah, I do.

[811] So that's good.

[812] People seem to like it.

[813] That's good.

[814] The podcast gets around a million downloads per episode in its first basic podcast, which is tremendous.

[815] That's incredible.

[816] For podcasting, that's really good.

[817] The guests have been phenomenal.

[818] I love the guests.

[819] And that's the state of...

[820] Well, let me tell you something.

[821] Let me tell you something because I think you're missing the point, Gorley, if I can call you Garley.

[822] It's my name.

[823] You are a numbers guy, and what I like to do is just go by...

[824] Excuse me. Couldn't be farther from the truth.

[825] Someone's talking.

[826] Okay, sorry.

[827] What I like to do is go by how it feels.

[828] And it feels good.

[829] I will say that.

[830] I agree.

[831] enjoy, I have thoroughly enjoyed doing this podcast.

[832] It's one of the most satisfying experiences I've had in all my years in comedy.

[833] I really enjoy doing it.

[834] I really enjoy talking to all the guests.

[835] I love this intimate format.

[836] I do enjoy working with you, Sona.

[837] Oh, thanks, Conan.

[838] That's nice.

[839] Yeah.

[840] I enjoy working with you.

[841] Thank you.

[842] And Gorley's here.

[843] And I'm kidding.

[844] You know, I like to give you, I grew up with a lot of brothers and we give each other a hard time.

[845] And so that's a sign of affection when I give you am I a younger brother or an older brother to you?

[846] You're a younger brother and you go missing in about a year.

[847] I told you not to play in those woods.

[848] Ben.

[849] This is tough because I had an older sibling who was a bit of a bully.

[850] Oh really?

[851] Oh, is that true?

[852] Uh -huh.

[853] So do I remind you of him sometimes?

[854] Is it her?

[855] But yeah.

[856] Oh my God.

[857] No, and she, this was when we were kids.

[858] She and I couldn't be closer now.

[859] I love her to death.

[860] Right.

[861] That's called the Stockholm Syndrome.

[862] It is.

[863] You're a tormentor becomes your best friend.

[864] And she, Jenny, has done, did nothing that siblings didn't do when they're kids.

[865] She's tremendous.

[866] My brother tormented me too.

[867] Yeah.

[868] Yeah.

[869] He actually prepped me for this job.

[870] Really?

[871] If I didn't have Danny, I don't know how long I would have lasted in this job.

[872] That's a good point.

[873] So I actually, thankful to my sister.

[874] Jenny trained you essentially to do this.

[875] Yeah.

[876] No, no one could fully train you for this.

[877] No, I am the ultimate, you've got to.

[878] and I'm the best at teasing, tormenting.

[879] You're creative.

[880] Yeah, what a title.

[881] Well, hey, it's something.

[882] Yeah, that's true.

[883] You know, it's good to be the best at something.

[884] No, I really enjoy working with you, Matt, and with you, Sona.

[885] And I think we have a nice thing going here.

[886] And it's hard to believe that we were almost done with a season.

[887] How many have we done?

[888] We've done.

[889] At this point, we've recorded, I think, 26 or 7.

[890] And what are we, how many are we supposed?

[891] 36.

[892] 36.

[893] So we're in the final stretch.

[894] Wow.

[895] Are we coming back for a second season?

[896] Oh, that's funny that you say that because we talked beforehand and decided we wouldn't mention that on the air.

[897] Oh, I'm sorry.

[898] So are you high or something?

[899] I was last night.

[900] It could be a residual highness.

[901] You were here and we...

[902] I didn't pay attention.

[903] Adam Sacks brought that up and said, no, don't mention that because we were going to, you know, that's not something we would announce yet.

[904] Sorry, Adam.

[905] And then you take this big dramatic pause and probably inhale some of that sweet dube It's still in your lungs from last night.

[906] I ate it.

[907] It was.

[908] Was it an edible?

[909] It was a gummy.

[910] Yeah.

[911] I'm sorry, Adam.

[912] I honestly wasn't paying attention.

[913] No, no, that's, don't worry.

[914] I will tell you.

[915] You're going to edit this out, obviously.

[916] No, I'm not necessarily we could leave it as a mystery.

[917] This is a mystery.

[918] We haven't said if we are or not.

[919] And so, as always, Sona, you're, you, your accident, you know, that's how penicillin was discovered.

[920] It was an accident.

[921] So you're welcome.

[922] Yeah.

[923] World.

[924] Yeah.

[925] Some mold grew on a, you're, you know, you're a, you know, you're accident.

[926] agar plate, and they just noticed, oh, look, it's defeating the bacteria around it.

[927] Hmm, maybe mold.

[928] Hey, that's penicillin.

[929] So you just saved millions and millions of lives.

[930] You're welcome.

[931] With your...

[932] Well done.

[933] Bungling.

[934] It's been really fun.

[935] I don't know that I can do another season.

[936] I've given so much of myself in this one.

[937] Have you?

[938] I really haven't.

[939] Well, that's good.

[940] I'm glad things are going well.

[941] Yeah, I'm happy.

[942] So you were saying the state of the show is good.

[943] The state of the show is excellent, I think.

[944] Very good.

[945] And that's, we started strong and it's continued to grow.

[946] And that's just my annual shareholder report to you, the boss.

[947] That's cool.

[948] That's nice.

[949] People like us.

[950] What are you doing?

[951] You're doing like an origami thing with a piece of paper.

[952] I'm fanning out the, I'm folding it.

[953] Yeah, we just established that you weren't paying attention to crucial details.

[954] And I look over and you're like making some, well, looks like very bad origami with a piece of paper and...

[955] Decorating it.

[956] You're high.

[957] I'm not high right now.

[958] No?

[959] I'm not.

[960] Do your parents know that you occasionally indulge in the dubage?

[961] Yes, that was not a great conversation.

[962] Because my mom asked me in a way, which was like, do you do you do it?

[963] And I was like, yeah, I have a prescription.

[964] This is before.

[965] And then the next day, they had a full -blown intervention, almost, where she was like, Gill, which is my dad's name.

[966] And he's like, we just think that that'll lead to other things.

[967] And I'm like, I'm like 32 years old.

[968] I've been doing it for a while.

[969] If I was going to do meth, I would have done meth already.

[970] Have you done meth?

[971] No, I haven't done meth.

[972] No. Why do you get so defensive?

[973] Because it's not the logical next step.

[974] It's not meth.

[975] What is the logical next step after marijuana?

[976] Coke?

[977] I guess.

[978] Ecstasy?

[979] Molly.

[980] Maybe ecstasy.

[981] What about pills, you know, black bennies or, Red Johnny's, the devil's horns, yellow jackets.

[982] I'm sorry, a film bar villain just walked in.

[983] What about those?

[984] Stop hoppers.

[985] Stop hoppers.

[986] What about them?

[987] No, I'm in Willie Wonka's factory.

[988] Pink ladies.

[989] No, I mean, really.

[990] You've done any...

[991] No, I've only...

[992] You ever do a Joey Ha -ha?

[993] Those are fantastic.

[994] Joey Ha.

[995] I'm a pill expert.

[996] I know uppers, downers.

[997] You want to goofballs?

[998] That's another one, goofballs.

[999] Yeah, that's right.

[1000] Goof -balls is a big one.

[1001] I feel like you take a lot of goofballs.

[1002] You got me. me. Zing.

[1003] This is awful.

[1004] Well, I was going to say the state of the podcast is good, but now I'm a little concerned.

[1005] It's not good.

[1006] No. No, I mean, it might be good on the outside, but here in this room, it's a disaster.

[1007] That's right.

[1008] Always, led by the incomparable Conan O 'Brien.

[1009] I am, first of all, I have no foreign matter in my bloodstream, so I'm fine.

[1010] You're the one here that was just in the alley, swallowing a handful of stobgobbers, Jack Sprats, Holly Hanukas, mademoiselles, dibbilloppers, flat hoppers, mojoppers.

[1011] You're just rhyming operas.

[1012] Like, you're just rhyming a bunch of things.

[1013] It's not good anymore.

[1014] Sorry.

[1015] Your improv got a little bad at the end.

[1016] But you know why?

[1017] Because it's so high on Blift Stauffers.

[1018] Gob Foffers That's rhyming again John Groffers Named after your former head writer Yeah Well I'll get you whack down How much for a bag of John Groffers Give me some John Groffers Oh get out of here man So the podcast is Yeah this may be the last episode Right At what expense To the two of us I just checked We are down to two stars Yeah Yeah And they added that sixth one They've added 15 stars And we're down to two.

[1019] The worst reviews come from me and Matt.

[1020] Yeah, I know.

[1021] We should go on there and do personal reviews.

[1022] I think so.

[1023] Yeah.

[1024] Well, I'm glad both of you were in my life.

[1025] And then I figured out a way to monetize it.

[1026] Sorry.

[1027] All right.

[1028] Peace out.

[1029] Shadrack.

[1030] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend with Sonam of Sessian and Conan O 'Brien as himself.

[1031] Produced by me, Matt Goreley.

[1032] Executive produced by Adam Sacks and Jeff Ross at Team Cocoa.

[1033] and Chris Bannon and Colin Anderson at Earwolf.

[1034] Special thanks to Jack White for the theme song.

[1035] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[1036] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and the show is engineered by Will Bechton.

[1037] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review featured on a future episode.

[1038] Got a question for Conan?

[1039] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

[1040] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[1041] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[1042] This has been a Teen Coco production in association with Earwolf.