Strong-Willed Child Pushing Your Buttons?

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[22] Hey everybody, this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm, coming to you live from a little hotel room in the nation's capital where we're speaking this week.

[23] I like doing the podcast sometimes when I'm on the road because everything's very fresh, right?

[24] Because every night I'm speaking to a couple hundred parents and I'm interacting with them throughout the presentation and afterwards I usually stay for quite a while and you get to talk to 10, 15, 20 different parents.

[25] And so it makes everything very real, very fresh.

[26] And so I wanted to share a few ideas with you about how you can reduce the tension and the meltdowns and all of these power struggles with your strong -willed child.

[27] Look, I get it.

[28] these kids are tough.

[29] Strong -willed kids are very difficult to raise because they have these very busy brains.

[30] They're always running around with ideas in their brains and are not very organized so they're disorganized and forgetful and executive functions inhibited.

[31] Most of these kids have a fair amount of anxiety.

[32] Poor planning and short -term memory.

[33] Slower processors.

[34] So that makes it hard for them in school because they often take longer to do assignments and then they feel stupid so they rush through their work, right?

[35] They're often very controlling and bossy.

[36] It's not because they're jerks.

[37] It's because they're overwhelmed.

[38] It's why you can't play board games with them because it's going to change the rules of the game.

[39] They're going to cheat.

[40] They're going to quit because the reason that I cheat is because that guarantees the outcome of the game because if I lose, that makes me a loser and I can't take that, right?

[41] It's why, look, this is why they often wear the same clothes all the time and eat the same food, chicken nuggets, mac and cheese, simple carbs, because it eliminates unknowns and many of our kids have gut issues.

[42] Enforcing justice is a big deal that that's not fair, right?

[43] If they believe something's true, they will hold on to it and argue it forever.

[44] They tend to have difficulty with organizing thoughts and writing.

[45] Getting those thoughts out of the head onto paper, especially when you have dysgraphia trouble with fine motor skills, that's really frustrating difficulty with transitions meltdowns over little things these kids often fidget a lot doodling bouncing legs attempt their pencils they're always moving right trouble to focus and attention they argue like little attorneys they're like little cops judges and attorneys all wrapped into one often um very oppositional behavior comes out they tend to get bored pretty easily and that's why they're like doing things the hard way because it's a challenge so make things a challenge they'll often chew on things, right?

[46] You'll notice the chew on their tassels on their hoodie sweatshirt.

[47] They'll chew on their sleeves on their shirt.

[48] So at the end of the day, they've got this nasty ring of like saliva -soaked shirt and then they want to hug you and it's gross.

[49] But anyway, they hum.

[50] They talk loudly while they're complaining about other people who are loud, right?

[51] Impulsive, they procrastinate, they tend to work in spurts and they're very emotional kids.

[52] And they attack onto that.

[53] Some of your kids have sensory issues.

[54] Makes it tough.

[55] Look, it makes it tough for you, but it also makes it tough for them.

[56] So here's some things that happen, though, that make it worse.

[57] Fundamental principle we teach all the time at every workshop, and if you want us to come to your town, just reach out to my son Casey, C -A -S -E -Y at celebratecomcom .com and email us.

[58] We love doing live workshops.

[59] They're very, very dynamic.

[60] We get to, they're packed two hours.

[61] I guarantee it's more insight than you're going to hear anywhere else because I pack it in and I I feed off the audience and what people tell me before the workshop.

[62] It's really cool.

[63] But this is what we always start with.

[64] There's one person in life that you can control, and that's yourself.

[65] And the quickest way to change child's behavior is to first control your own.

[66] And if you can own that really, really dig into that.

[67] You will find that your child changes more in response to your changes than they do by you directly trying to change them.

[68] Look, who likes it when someone else?

[69] You like it when your spouse tries to change you?

[70] You don't like it when your boss tries to change you, right?

[71] Or your friends or your own parents.

[72] So here are kind of three things I had written down of ways that we kind of control our kids or things we do to provoke our kids because we provoke our kids to anger a lot.

[73] Here's what I used to do before I changed up until my son was about nine, nine and a half years of age.

[74] He'd be getting upset or he'd do something wrong like, you'd help my wife or whatever it was and I'd start in on him right like you know keep keep it up young man keep it up you already lost your video games for one week you want to make it too right and that's when the strong will child is going to be like let's make it for right then you're like crap what do now but I would keep going and I and I could see his face was all red and that he was emotional and he was gone he was past the point of no return and it was up to me to calm him down but I didn't.

[75] I kept going, you know, keep it up, keep it up.

[76] You know, you've already lost your stuff.

[77] You're going to lose everything else.

[78] How are you ever going to be successful in life?

[79] And he would run off and call me a name and slam his door.

[80] And I didn't realize at the time, but I was provoking him on purpose.

[81] You know why?

[82] Because I wanted to feel justified when I went back downstairs that I could tell my wife, did you hear what your son said to me?

[83] Can't believe he's so disrespectful.

[84] Well, part of it was I had provoked him to that, right?

[85] Because here's what I was really saying is the dad.

[86] Son, I need you to behave because if you don't behave and do exactly what I told you to do, I'm not sure I can behave and you do not want to see me angry.

[87] See, I needed him to behave precisely because I couldn't control my own self.

[88] That's provoking.

[89] You know what else provokes your kids?

[90] Talking too much.

[91] And I guarantee you about 60 to 70 % of you talk way too much.

[92] You just keep going and going and going and going.

[93] and you have to stop that because it doesn't work.

[94] Look, you've been doing it the same way for two years, for five years, for 14 years, for 17 years.

[95] It hasn't worked up until now.

[96] It's not going to work.

[97] And that's your own anxiety because you keep thinking, well, I need them to change and I want them to change.

[98] So I think if I just tell them again, and I tell them in a different way, and maybe I'll give a different consequence or a different bribe or something that I'm going to get through to them, and it doesn't work.

[99] By the way, talking too sweetly to your kids is, provoking.

[100] Honey, there's no need to be upset.

[101] Honey, let's identify your feelings.

[102] If you talk to me like that when I'm upset, I'm going to get livid because it sounds like you're not taking it seriously.

[103] I don't like using a sympathetic tone with strong -will kids even when they're upset.

[104] I like talking to them like adults.

[105] And that's why I model this in our live workshops and all of our CD programs.

[106] I try to model this even matter -of -fact tone because it's very grounding for these kids.

[107] And so I just, I don't know what to say besides I would encourage you.

[108] I implore you, beg you, warn you, you got to stop talking so much.

[109] Because you're going to provoke your kids and guess what?

[110] They won't listen to you anymore.

[111] And I want them to listen to you, but that's all within your control, right?

[112] The fact that I couldn't control myself that had nothing to do with my son.

[113] And it doesn't matter.

[114] Well, he makes me so upset.

[115] B .S. He doesn't have that kind of power over you.

[116] And if he does, that's entirely your issue.

[117] He can't make, that's an excuse.

[118] Well, he just pushes my buttons.

[119] Again, that's your issue.

[120] If you didn't have so many buttons to push, your child couldn't push them.

[121] And as long as we keep making excuses for how difficult they are and how, and I know they're difficult.

[122] I just told you how difficult they are, but you've got to own your own stuff, right?

[123] I talk to this.

[124] So here's what this mom tells me. And this is anxiety.

[125] And this is about projecting your own expectations onto your kids, which is another form of provoking, but what it really makes kids do is shut down.

[126] So this is what this mom told me. She badgers her son constantly.

[127] Ethan, you know, if you try harder, you can get a gold star in school every day.

[128] Why wouldn't you want a gold star?

[129] Wouldn't it make you feel good to get a gold star?

[130] It makes me feel better.

[131] And the blunt answer is, your child simply doesn't care about the stupid gold star because it's an arbitrary reward based on arbitrary requirements and behaviors your child doesn't care about and probably shouldn't care about.

[132] Stop trying to coerce kids to fit in.

[133] and behave well.

[134] And let's instead reward them for being different, for pushing the limits, for questioning the rules, for having the courage to care more about freedom, just fitting in.

[135] See, what if we began rewarding kids for being independent thinkers, for pursuing their passions and their interests and their curiosity, for being creative, for coloring outside the lines instead of just inside the lines, right?

[136] Because all these qualities are necessary for life success instead of just school success, right?

[137] Why don't we encourage them and compliment them for being different from everybody else?

[138] And you want to take another step?

[139] Sometimes tell your child, you know what I admire about you?

[140] You're not afraid to be different.

[141] You're not afraid to push the boundaries.

[142] You're not afraid to be ostracized at times.

[143] You're not afraid to do that.

[144] See, I wish I was more like you because I care too much about what everybody else thinks and I'm too tentative.

[145] and I have too much anxiety about things, and I like the fact that you're the way that you are.

[146] See, I know all of this makes you uncomfortable.

[147] Too bad.

[148] Because we're sacrificing a generation of kids who think their job is to somehow please the demands of anxious adults.

[149] The very same adults who did not have this pressure as kids.

[150] I'm going to repeat that again.

[151] We're sacrificing a generation of kids.

[152] We're robbing them of their childhood.

[153] You know why?

[154] because they think their job is to somehow please the demands of anxious adults and these are the same adults you and I who did not have this pressure as kids one of the biggest things you need to control most important things you need to control is your own anxiety about your child and about his future right if you ever wonder why our kids don't have confidence and grow up thinking there's something wrong with them right that they can never please their parents right you ever wonder why they don't take responsibility for their actions it's because we put unrealistic expectations on them that they'll never be able to meet and you put unrealistic expectations on yourself as a parent right so you've got to you've got to be curious about what your kids are curious about and start accepting them as they are and start controlling yourself look the really cool news is this about this whole way of looking at your kids.

[155] I can't change the behavior of another human being.

[156] In trying to forcibly change someone else's behavior, I frustrate that person, whether it's an adult or a child, and I frustrate myself.

[157] But the good news is you can change yourself.

[158] You can change yourself and break generational patterns that have existed inside your family for decades and generations.

[159] The generational pattern in our home was my dad was career military.

[160] He was known in our home as the colonel.

[161] So it was a ton of fun of growing up, right?

[162] But my dad, all he knew was fear and intimidation, yell and scream, my wear the highway.

[163] So guess what his four boys grew up and did?

[164] The same exact thing.

[165] And if we didn't change, guess what our kids would do?

[166] They'd do the same thing.

[167] And then their wives would have to walk around on eggshells, wondering when a husband's going to get upset and yell, and there'd be torn relationships with the kids.

[168] These are generational patterns.

[169] You get to break it.

[170] That's cool.

[171] I broke that for my son.

[172] So when my son gets married and has kids, his wife won't have to manage his emotions for him because he knows how to do it himself.

[173] And he's going to know how to connect with his kids.

[174] This is cool stuff that lasts for generations.

[175] My mom, who is an awesome, awesome.

[176] person and I love more than anything in this world.

[177] My mom grew up with that martyr mother who never spoke up for herself and she always did everything for everybody else and she sacrificed herself for everybody else.

[178] And in the end, she grew exhausted and resentful.

[179] That's a generational pattern to break.

[180] Breaking that pattern of talking all the time.

[181] Your anxiety as a parent dumping onto your child.

[182] Break that pattern.

[183] You have the ability to do that because it's all within your control.

[184] I was talking to a mom.

[185] Every night I meet moms and dads too.

[186] But I meet these moms, and I can tell, they're kind of intense.

[187] And one last night, she's like, oh, I've got this 10 -year -old daughter.

[188] She's so strong -willed, wants to do everything on her own terms.

[189] She won't give in.

[190] I was like, exactly.

[191] That's who our kids are.

[192] And it's going to be awesome one day.

[193] But you're not going to change the essence of who she is, but you can change how she responds to you because mom watch your daughter triggers something in you but you also triggers something in your daughter because as soon as your tone goes honey honey we're we're not going to see as soon as you start talking like that it triggers something immediately in that child and that child begins to resist as soon as you become very demanding with things and your and your your tone changes they pick up on on your body posture and it's this feedback loop that she keeps going back and forth so mom this is what I tell the moms I want you to identify your triggers why does your daughter does your son irritate you so much identify those triggers that's what we go through like the 30 days to calm program you have to have that one it's 30 days you work on this work on it over the course of the whole year does not to be 30 days in a row but we go through all of your triggers what triggers you is it that you have a very high need for order and structure right because you're a very uh there's a mom last night that came out as well to state afterwards and i could tell by the way she was dressed i was like can i guess something about you you look very put together the way that you're dressed you look very very orderly and i can tell that you're a successful person and you're successful partly because you're very organized and you're diligent about the way you put yourself together and you handle your life and she said yes and i said good that's awesome for you but you can't that will you can't dump that on your child and expect them to be the same exact way that you are and do it exactly the way you would do it otherwise you're going to have power struggles and the fact that they don't do it exactly the way that you want to do freaks you and then that becomes you have your own uh you have your own control issues perfectionism order issues some of you are perfectionist and that'll dump on your kids and you're going to have to practice imperfection and you're going to have to control your own control issues and your anxiety and some of it is you feel like oh I'm a bad mom if my daughter's not doing it this way then I must be doing something wrong and you're scared about their future because you want them to be successful but you don't see them living up to their potential and they're capable of so much more what's going to happen to them when they're adults what's going to happen to them when they're teenagers and you start projecting all these things onto your kids and it's your fear of being judged by your own parents by other people all of that is within your control and so I encourage you go through the 30 Days to Calm program is foundational because we break all of these patterns.

[194] We identify the triggers and then we show you a different way to respond to the triggers so that they no longer become triggers so that you no longer have those buttons to push.

[195] I promise you if you will change yourself first, your kids will change very quickly.

[196] I would encourage you go to our website at celebrate calm .com.

[197] We have a special.

[198] We have this thing called The Bag.

[199] It comes with got calm bag if you get the physical copies or you can get downloads um but when you get the physical you get the downloads anyway so you can listen on multiple devices but you give a little got calm and in it you'll get uh special 30 days to calm we give you the um strong will child uh program you have to listen let your kids listen because they'll feel very understood like you finally get them right and i guarantee you your kids feel very misunderstood so listen that program let your kids listen.

[200] It comes with a straight talk for kids program, which is my son talking directly to your kids.

[201] It's a kid talking to a kid, and they listen to another kid, and Casey teaches your kids how to control their own impulses and emotions.

[202] And there's one on disciplining your kids, getting them to listen the first time.

[203] So it's four of these programs all put together, and we're doing it because we're coming up on the holidays, lowest price we've ever done on this one.

[204] So look on the website, celebrate calm .com.

[205] If you have younger kids, we can customize it.

[206] There's one on there, a program where we substitute a couple CDs and we programs for younger kids and there's one for older kids.

[207] So it's all there.

[208] And if you need help with that, customizing or if you already have some of those CDs, contact Casey, my son, because you can put all this together for you.

[209] C -A -S -E -Y at Celebrate Calm .com.

[210] And he'll put together this at a great price within your budget and you'll find yourself changing.

[211] It's a really cool thing.

[212] remember the quickest way to change your child's behavior is to first control your own control your anxiety control your body posture do it today try watch watch today how much changing one simple thing in your tone of voice and in your body posture watch how that changes your child's response it's really really cool hey thanks for having the courage to change to be different to do this in a different way.

[213] I know you've got tough kids.

[214] But these kids, I guarantee if you do this the right way and you learn how to do this and you become the parent that these kids can trust and they know that they can't push you around and that they can't push your buttons, if you become that parent that your kids can trust, you will be tight with these kids and they will respect you and they will look up to you and you will bond with them.

[215] And all these traits that used to irritate you, you will be able to use to your advantage because all of these traits are great for the real world.

[216] They just make it difficult to parent.

[217] Anyway, thank you.

[218] Find us to celebrate call if we can help you just let us know.

[219] Our phone numbers 888 506, 1871.

[220] You contact my son.

[221] I promise he will provide the best, most friendly, most helpful, quickest service on the planet.

[222] And if he doesn't, if my son ever does anything wrong in dealing with you, you email me and contact me directly and I'll take care of him.

[223] But guess what nobody ever does?

[224] You know why?

[225] Because he was awful as a kid.

[226] He was pretty terrible as a kid at times, but he is an amazing young man. And it's awesome just to interact with him because you'll have hope that your own kids can turn out really well.

[227] Because the reason we know this all about these kids besides working with 1 ,500 of them in our home was our own son.

[228] So, hey, thanks for listening.

[229] We'll talk to you soon.

[230] Bye -bye.