Colin Quinn

[0] Hi, everyone, my name, oh, hi, my name is Colin Quinn.

[1] And I feel euphoric about being on Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[2] Okay, you did that as badly as it could be done.

[3] Fawn is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brandy shoes, walking loose, Climb the fence Books and pens I can tell that we are going to be friends I can tell that we are going to be friends Hello and welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend So far I think this is my most professional intro Didn't that sound good?

[4] That was really good That was really good I was really good I didn't sound like a kid who had accidentally picked up the phone While his father was talking Yeah your voice is sounding very deep right now Yeah.

[5] I think it's, I'm becoming somehow during this pandemic more masculine.

[6] I don't know why.

[7] Your body is changing.

[8] My body is changing.

[9] You know what you're becoming?

[10] You're becoming a venerable broadcaster.

[11] Well, that's very nice of you to say.

[12] I think it has more to do with, I have very long hair.

[13] I don't know why that would make me more masculine.

[14] But a lot of people are saying that I look like a sort of a surfer guy.

[15] Yeah.

[16] And I think I'm starting to take on the attitude of a surfer guy.

[17] Are you going to surf?

[18] No. Oh, God, no. No, because that's something that involves going outside.

[19] I looked into it, and you have to go outside and be exposed to sunlight to surf.

[20] And then I, so then I said, had to rule it out.

[21] So you'll take on the persona, but you won't do the actual thing.

[22] Of course.

[23] Okay, okay.

[24] That's my whole, your whole life, yes.

[25] Oh, yes, yes, yes.

[26] Is there a word for it?

[27] Good.

[28] I'm that.

[29] I'm a poser.

[30] My whole life, I've taken on attitudes without having anything to back it up.

[31] And I'm proud of it.

[32] that.

[33] Poser is a good thing, right?

[34] Is that something?

[35] Oh, it's great.

[36] It just commands respect.

[37] Yes.

[38] That's me. I'm a poser.

[39] And this is my podcast.

[40] But I'm, and I'm here, of course, with my assistant.

[41] Sonam Obsessing.

[42] Good to see you.

[43] Hi.

[44] Good to see you.

[45] You and I are in the studio together.

[46] We've both been tested for COVID.

[47] Yes.

[48] I was careful all weekend.

[49] I hope you were as well.

[50] Yes.

[51] Okay.

[52] Was I?

[53] Yes.

[54] Oh, you don't sound too sure.

[55] I'm not.

[56] I'm never sure.

[57] The fact that I keep getting tested negative is it's a miracle because I see my family a lot.

[58] Why are you in the studio with me?

[59] I don't know.

[60] That's such a good question.

[61] This is horrible.

[62] We are six feet apart.

[63] We are.

[64] Just face the other way.

[65] Face the wall as if you're being punished.

[66] Matt Gawley, how are you?

[67] Oh, I've never been happier to be here in my own safe house.

[68] That's right.

[69] You are smart enough to broadcast from your home.

[70] Lovely home, by the way.

[71] I've seen it.

[72] Gorgeously appointed.

[73] You and your wife have very nice taste.

[74] I will say that.

[75] you.

[76] That's nice of you.

[77] Yeah.

[78] There's no, don't act like there's another shoe to drop.

[79] There's only ever been another shoe dropping, but maybe this will be the first time it doesn't.

[80] Let's see.

[81] I think you have a beautiful, a lovely wife, a beautiful home, and I think you're a man of taste and distinction.

[82] Oh.

[83] Oh, no. He froze.

[84] I'm just froze with fear.

[85] Oh, no. Look at that.

[86] Why did you freeze?

[87] You know what?

[88] He's not, oh, he's fine.

[89] Yeah.

[90] I think I just froze like a deer in headlights waiting to be insulted.

[91] Well, anyway, I'm just, curious if you're enjoying the fame that the podcast has brought you Sona.

[92] You were someone who was not in the bright white light of show business.

[93] Oh.

[94] A light that some say I've thrived in.

[95] Okay.

[96] A light that some say I've been incinerated by.

[97] But you are getting recognized.

[98] Is that true?

[99] You know, yes.

[100] Okay.

[101] So I will say I have that type of like, yeah, you look familiar kind of thing about me. That's happening to you now.

[102] Yes, but there's this thing that happened recently that I was hesitant to talk about because it is kind of gross, but I talked about my cysts on this podcast, so I'll just talk about this too.

[103] You did bring up, you have many cysts, is that right?

[104] We talked about me removing my cysts.

[105] Right.

[106] And then take it.

[107] Several, multiple cysts.

[108] Yes, cup too.

[109] So your body cranks out cysts.

[110] Relax.

[111] It's just two of them.

[112] It's just two.

[113] You're a cyst farm.

[114] Okay.

[115] More than one.

[116] Okay.

[117] Are you going to talk about my skin?

[118] What's wrong with my skin?

[119] You have to get checked by a dermatologist like every four weeks.

[120] Guys, we got a podcast.

[121] We're actually recording right now.

[122] It's a podcast.

[123] Anyway.

[124] I sleep in a coffin.

[125] I can't do this.

[126] I have to tell this.

[127] Let me tell this story.

[128] So I'm, Cist maker.

[129] Okay.

[130] I, oh my God.

[131] I have a toenail fungus.

[132] Oh, God.

[133] I know.

[134] I'm sorry.

[135] You didn't want to do this on the Michelle Obama episode?

[136] I know.

[137] I didn't want to talk about the nail fungus.

[138] Listen, it's very common.

[139] A lot of people have it.

[140] I am not a freak.

[141] Stop it.

[142] Okay, so I have this.

[143] Anyway, so I order this medication, and it comes in a box, and I open the box, and there's all these fun goodies in there that I didn't order, along with the medication, and then I pull out the packing slip, and behind it, someone wrote, love the podcast.

[144] This is like when I went to the urologist, and he knew me, not from the podcast, not from the It was horrible.

[145] Not from your urethra.

[146] I blame you, first of all.

[147] Yeah.

[148] You have told everyone in the world, I live in Altadena.

[149] So the guy was like, oh, Sonam of Sessian and she lives in Altadena.

[150] Right.

[151] This must be her toe fungus medication.

[152] Let me tell her how much of the podcast.

[153] So how did that feel in that moment?

[154] Here you are.

[155] You're opening up a very, this is a very private matter, you and your toe fungus.

[156] Okay.

[157] Let me talk about it.

[158] No, which is coming on the heels of these various back cysts being removed.

[159] I hate this.

[160] You can start using an assume name.

[161] Do you think I'd ever do that?

[162] No. You know, when I buy stuff online, I'm Chisbitly.

[163] Okay.

[164] Well, now everyone knows that you're Chisbittly.

[165] Oh, shit.

[166] I shouldn't have said that.

[167] And it goes to a P .O. box, but it says Chisbitly, attorney at law.

[168] And then my P .O. box.

[169] And that's where I get my various sexual toys.

[170] I just can't believe that I'm the only one on this podcast who's had a tote fungus.

[171] I've had cysts removed one on my 40th birthday.

[172] Wait a minute.

[173] Why on your 40th birthday?

[174] What was this?

[175] Well, I had it, like, at its worst on my 40th birthday, and it was inside my lip, and it made me look like I'd had plastic surgery, like bad plastic surgery.

[176] And then they took it out, and there was a whole, like a pocket in my lip, and they stuffed that whole full of gauze.

[177] And for, like, three days, I had to have a wad of gauze inside my lip, not behind my lip, but inside my lip.

[178] I remember, this is a true story.

[179] I remember I had wisdom tooth out very late, late 30s or something.

[180] This is like five or six or seven years into doing the late night show.

[181] And I'll never forget this.

[182] They yank it out.

[183] So there was this hole.

[184] There was some nerves on the bone that were like a little exposed.

[185] And they said it's very sensitive.

[186] So what you have to do is we're going to give you the medical implements, the little tweezers.

[187] You have to take this little bit of cotton gauze, dip it in this numbing medication, and then drop it down the hole using the little thing and then go on the air and do your TV show.

[188] Okay?

[189] The problem is I can't see back there to do it And they said you should just get someone to do it for you I got Andy Richter So Andy Richter This is true Before every show for at least three weeks It would be like the band would be playing And the audience is clapping along And I would sit down and go like Oh Andy And Andy would come in Because he kindly, he's a very nice guy He's very steady hands He'd like I'll open up So I'd open up my mouth And he'd dip the thing in gauze And reach back there and drop a little cotton anesthetizing grenade down this hole and it would hit the bone and suddenly I wouldn't be in pain anymore and I'd be like, thanks, Andy, be like, no problem, showtime.

[190] And then I'd go on and go, hey, everybody would be like, yay, woo!

[191] And we'd do a show.

[192] And my next guest, Elton John, and no one had any idea that Andy had just performed oral surgery on me backstage.

[193] Well, now we've lost every listener.

[194] Every single one.

[195] I'm sorry, but I just think that's fascinating.

[196] It was like in Star Wars in the first Star Wars movie when Luke has to shoot that thing and has to go right down that hole to blow up the Death Star.

[197] That's what...

[198] Oh, that's the normal exhaust port?

[199] Oh, God.

[200] Oh, Lord.

[201] Well, yes, yes.

[202] Maybe we've said too much.

[203] Yes.

[204] Or maybe we haven't said enough, but you said that you had this thing removed on your birthday, your 40th birthday.

[205] Yeah.

[206] I don't remember which birthday it was, but I was all by myself.

[207] It was my birthday.

[208] And I was trying to close this garage door in Connecticut, and I closed it, and the garage door where the folds are, it pinched my finger and kind of crushed the tip of it.

[209] And I was like, ah, and I jumped in my car, and I drove to the new Milford Hospital, which was about half an hour away, holding my hand out the window in the air, ah, and I was on my own, not the best period of my life during this time.

[210] I drove to the hospital, and I came in, and I'm holding my hand in the air, and the nurse, I'm sitting there, and the nurse said, what's your name and I got Conan O 'Brien and she goes okay and what's your address and I say my address and she said date of birth and I said Today Oh no Today And I said it just like that Today Happy birthday to me And I remember she We just exchanged a look for second And then she was like All right well anyway We gotta get into the show We got a lot to do today Yes please let's So, just to review, cystic, toe fungus.

[211] Nail.

[212] You think I have ugly skin?

[213] Come on.

[214] It's not ugly.

[215] God made me and God doesn't make junk.

[216] Did your mom say that?

[217] Every day, which made me suspect that something was wrong.

[218] God made you and God doesn't make junk.

[219] What?

[220] Why do you say that every day?

[221] I mean, he clearly couldn't have meant this.

[222] What?

[223] Mom, you said this yesterday and, well, I mean, why would he make something intentionally so warped, so fiendish?

[224] with mottled skin, orange hair, and two dead front teeth.

[225] Because you fell in the driveway and we never fixed it.

[226] Okay, well, can we just change the topic?

[227] I mean, God wouldn't do this.

[228] This wouldn't be part of God's plan.

[229] Um, can we just talk about anything else?

[230] I won the spelling bee today.

[231] Well, God made you.

[232] I assume, unless you're the devil's work.

[233] You're sent here as some kind of vengeance upon mankind and God's good works.

[234] I like this talk, ma.

[235] All right.

[236] Sorry.

[237] I think you had a breakthrough as well.

[238] I think I had a real breakthrough here.

[239] And I don't, I just want to say to my therapist, screw you.

[240] Who needs you?

[241] I just need a microphone and a laughing assistant in where I'm good.

[242] Hey, I'm excited.

[243] My guest today is a very funny comedian actor and writer.

[244] I've known him forever.

[245] He was a cast member on Starnet Live.

[246] and host of Weekend Update.

[247] He now has a new book.

[248] It's very good.

[249] Overstated a coast -to -coast roast of the 50 states.

[250] Colin Quinn, welcome, Colin.

[251] You don't know the name of the podcast.

[252] You said euphoric, but you looked like you had just lost a loved one.

[253] I do know the name of the podcast.

[254] Three questions.

[255] No. This is just, this is the hardest I've heard Sona Laf in a long time.

[256] You are, this is as if we tried an experiment where we got an ape.

[257] And we tried to see if we could get it to set up audio and then do a podcast.

[258] All right, let's go on, but let's go.

[259] Okay, let's move on.

[260] Colin.

[261] Yes, Colin.

[262] You should feel euphoric about being my friend.

[263] You should.

[264] You should.

[265] I believe, I know how much respect you have for me. Yes.

[266] I can tell by the way you've prepared for this podcast.

[267] that you were prepared to do on a flip phone?

[268] No, you know I love you.

[269] You know I love you, Colin, and I always have.

[270] I feel the same way.

[271] Clearly, you have that dead look in your eye.

[272] Two Irish guys telling each other they love one another in the most unconvincing way.

[273] Colin, please, let's start at the beginning because there's so much to talk about.

[274] You have a book that you've written.

[275] I really love.

[276] Colin Quinn and it's a coast to coast roast of the 50 states overstated it's called and so many comics dash off books they just dash them off and they make a quick buck and there are so many good ideas in this book and so many witty observations and I'm a big fan of good comedy writing and this book is spectacular so I congratulate you on your book Now wait did you really read the book?

[277] Yeah thank you You know what I wish I had said now?

[278] No, I did.

[279] No, because I'm shocked because most comedians, they don't read.

[280] Right, that's true.

[281] That's true.

[282] Most comedians do not read.

[283] I will maintain a good chunk of comedians can't read.

[284] I would have to agree with you on that.

[285] But you've always been a terrific writer, so I was...

[286] Well, don't you feel that the Irish people, you know, not to give us a pat on the back, but we are kind of known for that.

[287] Yeah, we're good writers.

[288] You got your choice.

[289] sure you know you got your yates uh you got your uh your frank o 'connor yeah you got your schemis heaney got your flannery o 'connor she's american but you know you know i'm trying to oh i know my flannery o 'clock i know you know i mean if we're if we're going to just start listing irish writers uh we'll be here we'll be here for six days so i don't think we should do that fine move along what's next well i want to say this is let's let's start on this because we're talking about it you seem like you're proud to be Irish.

[290] I'm not sure I am.

[291] Really?

[292] I've always been wary about my 100 % Irish heritage.

[293] Well, I'll tell you, I'll quote a friend of mine named Tom Kelly.

[294] You might know him a writer.

[295] Yep.

[296] And one time Tom was sitting with me and I was saying, you know, Irish people in Boston, I go, they're just like us.

[297] They're witty and they're smart.

[298] I was compliment with the Irish.

[299] Tom was a little bit tipsy.

[300] And he goes like this.

[301] Even in that state, he stopped.

[302] He goes, because he worked in Boston on the big day for two years.

[303] And he goes, well, they're not like us.

[304] They're witty and they're smart, but they're mean.

[305] Yes.

[306] And that's the difference.

[307] That's probably why you have some ambivalence about your Irishness.

[308] Because Boston Irish, they're a little bit cockier because you guys are the majority up there.

[309] Down here in New York, we have to be where we're our own self -contained little community.

[310] Yes, yes.

[311] You had to get along more than the Boston Irish who walked around like they owned the place.

[312] Power corrupt.

[313] They did own the place.

[314] You could say they still have.

[315] own the place.

[316] I think they should own the place.

[317] You know what?

[318] We wouldn't, we wouldn't keep up the payments is the problem if we did own the place.

[319] New Hampshire, too.

[320] Yeah.

[321] And you left that little rat hole, that little social club to the south, Rhode Island.

[322] You left that for the Italian.

[323] I maintain the worst accent in the world is the Cranston accent.

[324] And people talk about the Boston accent.

[325] And I was once driving along at night.

[326] I was headed to a wedding.

[327] and this is a couple of years into my talk show and I stopped off in Cranston, Rhode Island to refill my car with gas.

[328] And this woman who was wearing all acid wash stepped out of her car and I was wearing a hat and I could tell that she recognized me and she pointed at me and she said, eh, I sported you.

[329] I spotted you.

[330] And I'm like, oh my God, to be discovered and found out and accused by a pirate at 2 o 'clock in the morning at an AM p .m. Listen to this.

[331] This is a great line that I loved.

[332] And I am an admirer of your writing.

[333] And there's so many beautiful lines.

[334] And I was underlining a bunch in this book.

[335] And here you are talking about Massachusetts.

[336] Used to be the pride of Massachusetts where all those charming colonial era towns like Lexington and Concord and the House of Seven Gables.

[337] Now it's getting the finger on a, I -90 by a fat landscaper in a scally cap and a drop -kick Murphy's hoodie.

[338] I love it.

[339] I absolutely love it.

[340] I love it.

[341] And I love the imagery of it.

[342] And that's something I think from all my wariness of being Irish.

[343] I think something the Irish drew better than ever is a concise image that knocks you over.

[344] Like that is an image.

[345] I can see that person in the scally cap and the drop -kick Murphy's hoodie giving me the finger on the mass pike.

[346] I can see it.

[347] It's happened.

[348] I know that guy.

[349] And that guy knows my brother Luke.

[350] So I know exactly what's going on.

[351] Yeah, I think it's true.

[352] I think I have some ambivalence about being Irish because, you know, we've got, we've got plenty of our flaws.

[353] And so on like St. Patrick's Day, I was never the guy that was like, hey, I'm Irish, kiss me, I'm Irish.

[354] Yay, Irish.

[355] I would go the other way.

[356] almost.

[357] I would pretend to be Cuban just to get through the day.

[358] I don't know how they would get you through the day.

[359] Well, you know, sort of like Desi Arnaz, Cuban, you know, a sophisticated band leader.

[360] It's true Cubans have the Desi Ornaz in particular, has the opposite skin tone as us.

[361] We do at the very time, I mean, we're the most beautiful people in the world until the age of 13.

[362] You know, Patrice O 'Neill, who was not Irish, the name.

[363] He once said that, he goes, you Irish people, he goes, you just age horribly, but you live forever.

[364] Yes.

[365] I have talked about this a lot.

[366] I've noticed it.

[367] I forget where I was.

[368] I was someplace and I was in the woods and I noticed this tree that it just completely crumbled over and someone who knows a lot about trees was this meaning.

[369] They said, yeah, that's a, yeah, that's, I forget if it was a poplar tree.

[370] He said, they're junk trees.

[371] And I said, what do you mean?

[372] He said, they grow up real quick.

[373] They grow real fast, they look good, and then they just dry out and fall apart and muck up the yard and just end up in a heap of shitty wood.

[374] And I remembered saying, that's the Irish.

[375] We, you know, and you're exactly right.

[376] Young Irish people are so gorgeous.

[377] Yes.

[378] And all of my nephews and nieces are such beautiful.

[379] And they all look like little kids that put on little suits and got on the Titanic, you know, off to the Madica and it's all going to go well and they're so good looking, you know, cut to them being pulled out of the frozen ocean.

[380] Oh my God.

[381] But I'm sorry, but they look great.

[382] They look fantastic.

[383] And then we all start to, that's why I was always in such a hurry in my TV career.

[384] I thought, I've got to get going fast because my face, when I was 30, or my late 20s, I had sharp cheekbones and this shock of hair.

[385] and in the right light I kind of cleaned up okay and I thought I got to move fast because this face is going to get fat and red and my body's going to start to fall apart and I'm going to live a long time but look awful and I've got to make it now and that had a that fueled me do you understand what I'm saying?

[386] Yes I do but look speaking of Yates who writes about getting old better than a guy like Yates?

[387] Well you know what Yates did as he got older I believe this isn't just some wives tale, but I think it's a true story about Yates that late in life, he wanted to rejuvenate his sexual ability.

[388] So he went in for some kind of weird surgery where they like put a monkey gland, you know, down near his private areas.

[389] I'm not kidding.

[390] I think Yates was into that.

[391] And if I'm wrong, may I be sued by the Yates Foundation.

[392] But I believe Yates was into that.

[393] Someone can look it up if they want, but I think he was mucking around.

[394] Wait a minute.

[395] You're literally sitting here saying one of the great turn of the century Irish psychic slash writers had work done like he's one of the Kardashians.

[396] Yes, and not even work that was going to help him appear better but would help him function in the bedroom, which is something no Irish person cares about.

[397] Exactly.

[398] We're not known for like, that's the other thing.

[399] Irish guys aren't like, you know us, we're known for really pleasuring a woman for a long, long time.

[400] We're not physical.

[401] We're psychological people, mental.

[402] Yes, we give women orgasms by bitterly complaining about our childhoods in a kind of witty way.

[403] Exactly.

[404] Oh, wait, there's a note coming in.

[405] Yates.

[406] Yes, check this out.

[407] This is in real time.

[408] The talk, though, exaggerated, was not far from a bizarre truth.

[409] Yates, approaching old age with determined reluctance, had signed up at the clinic of a London sexologist.

[410] There he learned of a long sequence of scientific research by the medical profession, begun with a French doctor, injected himself with an extract taken from the testicles of guinea pigs and dogs.

[411] So there's your great Irish poet.

[412] You just, I was going to say, thank you for ruining William Butler Yeats for me. Yeah, just because he wanted to get off six more times in his life, he jammed a rat up his ass.

[413] There's a great man. I'm devastated, but go on.

[414] All right.

[415] Well, listen.

[416] I want to get back to your book, but I want to talk to you a little bit first.

[417] Our paths have crossed many times over the years.

[418] You worked at Sarnat Live.

[419] We weren't working at Sarnat Live at the same time.

[420] I was over doing the late night show.

[421] You were writing at Sarenet Live, and then you were doing a weekend update for a while.

[422] Right, right.

[423] And you know that you're adored.

[424] Everyone in comedy just adores you.

[425] And then there's this term that follows you around the comics comic.

[426] How do you feel about that?

[427] You're the comics comic.

[428] I feel very good about that because, first of all, I have no choice.

[429] If I left up to the audience, I'm going to starve to death in the night.

[430] Also, from day one, when I started comedy, I would bomb every night.

[431] and the comedians would come in and watch me. I was trying to, the audience to laugh.

[432] They hated me, and the comedians love me. It's just the way it is.

[433] Yeah, you would come on my show many times over the years as a guest, and you would, your speech pattern is not there to please people.

[434] Your speech pattern is very authentic.

[435] You say things very quickly, and you kind of swallow some of the words, and you mutter things that are absolutely hysterical.

[436] And you clearly, there's some part of you that's saying, this is who I am, you can appreciate it, or you can fuck yourself.

[437] Is that, am I wrong there?

[438] I mean, I didn't do that intentionally, but it must be, it's a deep psychological thing that's true.

[439] If you had asked me, I would have said, I'm coming out and doing my material.

[440] But, you know, when you really look at it, it must have been so deeply rooted that I would not even see that.

[441] But yes, that's what must have been going on.

[442] That's probably why I was a comics comic because they liked that kind of thing, even though to me, I'm just innocently going up trying to share my material.

[443] Well, also, what I noticed that you used to do habitually as a guest, which is you'd like to kind of dig yourself a hole and then get yourself out of it.

[444] It's almost like a psychological need to, I want to put some distance between the crowd.

[445] And I'm not even saying this was conscious, but you wanted to put a little distance there and then get them back.

[446] Is that possible?

[447] Unconscious, yeah.

[448] I mean, if I did, it's unconscious.

[449] There's people that did that.

[450] like, you look at Larry David.

[451] I watched Larry David do that when he used to do stand -up.

[452] And I was like, look at this.

[453] He's being ridiculous.

[454] He would go up there and go, I'd like to use the two -form with you people.

[455] I thought, you know, to not use the vood form.

[456] And I was like, okay, unless you took French, how are they supposed to get that joke?

[457] Yeah.

[458] No, he would say, he used to say, and I've heard this for many people who witnessed it, Larry David, used to tell comics backstage.

[459] This was before Seinfeld, before he had, you know, know, gone on to do curb your enthusiasm, no one knew who he was, he'd come out there and he really needed the gigs.

[460] He needed the money.

[461] This is how he was surviving.

[462] And he would tell them backstage, I'll do some material.

[463] And then I'm going to do my two voo joke, I think, which was, should I use the familiar two form?

[464] Or should I be more formal with you people and use the, I don't know, you stead or Voo, or use the Voo form?

[465] He said, and I'm not sure which way we should go.

[466] Is it the two or the Voo?

[467] And he said, if they laugh at that, I know they're going to like me. And if they don't, I know that the rest of the set is going in the toilet.

[468] So he would go out there and he would start getting a few laughs.

[469] And then he would say, I like you.

[470] I like you as a crowd.

[471] Yeah.

[472] Should I use the two form of the Voo crowd?

[473] And if the crowd didn't respond to that, he'd lose his temper and start yelling at the audience.

[474] And I've asked him about this.

[475] And he'd be like, that's true.

[476] Yeah.

[477] That's what I did.

[478] That's what I did.

[479] He would completely commit suicide on stage over that one joke.

[480] Yes, it's psychology.

[481] It's a funny thing how it manifests itself for all of us, you know, like on stage.

[482] Like you were saying about me, I never knew I did that.

[483] And he probably never knew he did that.

[484] And he also used to go, which was a very funny joke that it worked.

[485] You go, you people are witnessing an amazing thing right now.

[486] You're witnessing someone doing exactly what they want and dreamed of their whole life.

[487] And it's still miserable.

[488] Did you enjoy doing Weekend Update?

[489] Did you like it?

[490] Speaking of psychology, I was very impevolent.

[491] I'd go back and forth a lot.

[492] In retrospect, it was not really for me. And Lauren knew it, but he was too, it wouldn't yank me, but it was not a great fit.

[493] I was much happier writing and doing little update segments.

[494] Those were my happiest days at S &L.

[495] It's so funny, I experienced this, and you did too, and so many people, Jim Downey.

[496] Lauren Michaels has a soft spot.

[497] As a Jewish man from Canada, he has this strange, he has this sort of obsession with Irish comedians and Irish writers.

[498] He, I mean, God knows he changed my life and did wonderful things for me. And for you, I know, was he involved in your one -man shows, which I saw on Broadway?

[499] He produced the Irish weight, the first one.

[500] Yeah, I saw that show.

[501] was fantastic.

[502] I loved it, except the parts about Irish people.

[503] Except for that 95%.

[504] I was with you all the way.

[505] I could see Lorne wanting you to do update and then maybe it's a good fit.

[506] Maybe it's not a good fit.

[507] You're not sure.

[508] But Lauren not wanting to go tell you, you know, maybe update isn't it for you.

[509] That's right.

[510] No, he was a head at source spot.

[511] I mean, look, even the fact that he lets people work there for 50 years.

[512] There's people that have been there since 19, Oh, I know.

[513] It's strange.

[514] It's like they're people that have been living on an island way too long, you know, and their frame of reference is completely off, you know.

[515] And they'll be reminiscing about that great host from 1976, Gloria Gaynor.

[516] And you're like, what are you talking about?

[517] They're like, maybe she'll come back.

[518] That would be a good host.

[519] Yeah.

[520] Let's get Shields and Urinell on the show.

[521] Howard Hesman.

[522] Yeah.

[523] Oh, if we could get Hesman on the show, we'd be back on track.

[524] I don't know who this J -Lo person is, but if we could bump her and get Howard Hesman, yes, I'm very familiar with that aspect of the show, these people that have been there for Jesus and, like, Watergate.

[525] That's the soft side of him, you know what I mean, which people don't realize, is that he would never get rid of him.

[526] He's loyal to people, which was employees like that to the end.

[527] You learned, as did I, I think we both have a thing, which is we like to talk, we like to gab.

[528] It's the curse of our people.

[529] Sometimes the biggest laughs I get are when I'm not saying anything, and I'm just staring at the guest.

[530] And you can find this beauty in these silences, which is something I didn't know about.

[531] It wasn't part of the culture of being an Irish Catholic comic or an Irish Catholic comedy writer or performer or performer or something.

[532] someone who was obsessed with comedy.

[533] What about you?

[534] Is that something you felt like you got better at?

[535] Yeah, I mean, I feel like, yes, I feel like this, like when I started comedy, I would say you have to come out and prove yourself.

[536] And that, this is going to sound very weirdly, but that rushing to speak when you come on stage, I'm not saying, take, it's not Jack Benny or one of these guys, but I'm saying, but rushing out to try to prove yourself.

[537] Yep.

[538] also was kind of an Irish thing, was always a bad move because it shows you're trying to get them instead of taking a second to get your berries, you know what I mean?

[539] I know that's not what you're talking about.

[540] No, it is.

[541] No, it is.

[542] It is.

[543] It is.

[544] It is because what I always do is I try to prepare.

[545] I try to have good ideas.

[546] I try to have a plan.

[547] But I always tell myself, just before I go out, if it's a big crowd or just a regular show, I try to tell me. myself leave space to find it because and find out who they are and what's happening out there in that moment.

[548] Right, right.

[549] So I walk out there and I'll move around the stage, but I won't say anything right away.

[550] And it's just trying to find out what's the energy, what's happening.

[551] And it took me a while to get comfortable enough to do that.

[552] That's right.

[553] I agree with that.

[554] I should do that on the podcast.

[555] I should just not speak for the first half hour.

[556] you know, and let you, Colin, get uncomfortable.

[557] I was uncomfortable before you got here.

[558] We had a, we had a quick time player incident.

[559] We had a lot of stuff going on.

[560] Oh, no, no. Trust me. I'm going to make sure that that has been included in the podcast because it was too good.

[561] I was waiting.

[562] They kept saying, no, Colin's not ready yet.

[563] And then I saw my technician back out of the room backwards with a look of shock.

[564] And I was like, what's wrong?

[565] And he said, he's on a telephone.

[566] He's on a telephone.

[567] He doesn't know that we need to do this through a computer.

[568] And then you were looking for a computer, and I think you made one out of some maplewood.

[569] Is that true?

[570] Let's go to that whole conversation now in the moment before, just to take us to break.

[571] Yeah.

[572] I think it's worth.

[573] I don't understand.

[574] Is that like a bandana around your neck?

[575] Is that like an affectation or is that?

[576] I know.

[577] That's actually, I use that as a mask during, I'm going to hate to break it to you.

[578] There's something called COVID out there.

[579] COVID -19.

[580] know that you're a denier, as most Irish are, but I wear this thing and then I can put it up easily.

[581] So no, it's not an affectation.

[582] I wish it was.

[583] It's called a fucking mask.

[584] Which I think you've got to run your head.

[585] It's very like, you know, Luftwaffe 1941.

[586] Well, that's, can I say something?

[587] I happen to disagree with a lot that the Nazis did.

[588] Trust me, a lot, but the Luftwaffe had, they dressed nicely.

[589] Yes.

[590] They did dress nicely.

[591] Hugo Boss.

[592] So I'm not going to, yeah, Hugo Boss.

[593] Hugo Boss designed the outfits for the Luftwaffe and the Gestapo.

[594] And so you telling me I'm dressed like I'm in the Luftwaffe, I'm like, thank you.

[595] That's a compliment because they spent much more time on the cut of their uniforms than they did figuring exactly how they should be bombing Britain.

[596] Yes.

[597] We have a lot to talk about, Colin.

[598] And I'm glad we figured out the tech stuff and I want to make sure that all of that is in there.

[599] Wait.

[600] Oh, we're not finished with the tech stuff.

[601] Oh.

[602] Oh, okay.

[603] My team is telling me now that apparently we're not even close, Colin.

[604] What happened?

[605] We're not finished with the tech stuff yet.

[606] Sorry.

[607] Well.

[608] Yeah.

[609] Yeah, but I turned to, I shut it down.

[610] It's just for legal purposes.

[611] So when we have awful.

[612] Yes.

[613] Yes.

[614] Yes, because Colin, I hate to break it to you, but I am suing you.

[615] I'm going to sue you, and this is going to be part of the lawsuit.

[616] Okay.

[617] By the way, any interest in full disclosure, I'm never sending you guys this recording.

[618] Trust me, if you did send it to us, I know that you would mail it to us in like a bulky brown package.

[619] I'm going to call a cell phone.

[620] It would show up the way the Maltese falcons shows up in that movie.

[621] It would be covered in wax paper.

[622] I swear to God, we're putting this stuff in there.

[623] Do you hear me?

[624] Speaking of Falcons, are you into falconry with that thing around your hand?

[625] I have a little mini -cast around my hand because I injured my thumb two years ago, and every now and then it flares up.

[626] But if you're going to make fun of me for my ailment and say that I look like I'm into falconry, I'm now taking the thumb brace off because it's there attached with Velcro.

[627] So there, I no longer look like a falconer in the Luftwaffe.

[628] Do you have a microphone we're using?

[629] Where's your microphone?

[630] Oh, no, I can't get my mic got?

[631] Oh, for God's sake.

[632] Oh, geez.

[633] What?

[634] He doesn't need a microphone?

[635] No, where did he go?

[636] He just left.

[637] Okay, come back.

[638] Colin.

[639] What did you do?

[640] Come back.

[641] You don't need a microphone.

[642] You don't need a microphone.

[643] I was confused for a second by the sheer breadth of your unprofessionalism.

[644] Yeah, let's do it.

[645] Colin, we...

[646] Let's start with the thing in the chat.

[647] And then we're good.

[648] Uh -huh.

[649] Okay.

[650] Let's begin the podcast.

[651] We already began.

[652] We're 2 .15.

[653] Very good.

[654] That's your cholesterol, Colin.

[655] It's not the time.

[656] That's your cholesterol.

[657] Too soon.

[658] I had a heart attack two years ago.

[659] Uh -huh.

[660] It's not too soon.

[661] By making that joke, I'm helping you stay aware of your cholesterol levels and showing real concern.

[662] Yeah, maybe you.

[663] So you should thank me. I took it the wrong way.

[664] Thank you.

[665] Yeah.

[666] And sorry about the heart attack.

[667] Should have been in your research.

[668] It says right here at the top, don't mention cholesterol yet.

[669] heart attack two years ago.

[670] I should have read that part.

[671] See, I think we have a great podcast already with what's just happened.

[672] I do too, yeah.

[673] Okay, ready when you are.

[674] Okay, back to chat now for this line.

[675] Okay.

[676] Well, it's not, there's nothing there except he doesn't need a mic.

[677] I hate it here.

[678] I absolutely hate it.

[679] I hate it at my own podcast.

[680] You've written this book, which I again, I'm going to, I'm going to plug throughout, rather than waiting to the end, overstated a coast -to -coast rose of the 50 states.

[681] You've written this book that I really do love.

[682] And I think we have something in coming, which is I love history.

[683] And you go through state by state.

[684] And what I love about the book is very funny.

[685] You say, here you are in Louisiana.

[686] One time I landed at the airport and the cab driver, who was at least 400 pounds, stopped halfway through the trip and made me get out and pump gas while he went into the store to pay and pick up some goodies.

[687] And he came out with a six pack of beer and open one while he was driving me and offered me one and it was 10 .30 a .m. That's New Orleans.

[688] But you're approaching this in the way that I personally agree with, which is we're not better than any of these people.

[689] You're just noticing.

[690] That's clearly we're in a moment right now, a national moment that's really terrifying.

[691] But there's a lot of affection in here.

[692] Yeah.

[693] I mean, I really, you know, I would say the country really grows on you after a while.

[694] And I feel like people are, like, so definitive nowadays.

[695] They're just completely rigid.

[696] This country is even the worst place or the best place.

[697] And there's no in between, no contradiction.

[698] There's no nuance.

[699] It's so ignorant.

[700] But these are the two sides that run things.

[701] Even the expression, oh, that person's a both sideser.

[702] Oh, you mean, they're trying to find a place we compromise so we don't cut each other's hearts out in the street?

[703] Yeah, if that's a both sides are.

[704] You know me?

[705] It's crazy.

[706] How do you feel about comedy right now?

[707] There's a lot of angry comedy.

[708] There's this, you know, it's a smokescreen because you're not getting laughs.

[709] So you think you're being transgressive.

[710] But if you're not getting laughs, you can call yourself a prophet, a philosopher.

[711] You can't say you're a comedian.

[712] If you're not eliciting laughter, that's not comedy.

[713] But there's this myth of the Lenny Bruce type comedian.

[714] where everybody still wants to live in this, you know, imaginary smoke -filled state where this guy's blowing the, you know, the middle -class people's minds.

[715] You're not shocking anybody.

[716] What's shocking is if you're being funny.

[717] So I'm saying a lot of people will try to be like, man, like you said, they're like, I made people uncomfortable.

[718] It's like, you're right.

[719] That's not definition of community.

[720] And I'm not saying don't make people uncomfortable if you're getting laughs.

[721] when Lily Boof spoke against the Catholic Church, for example, that was speaking truth to power.

[722] That was 1960.

[723] That was, could have got him killed, did get him arrested.

[724] But nowadays, I'm not saying you should make fun of the Catholic Church.

[725] Of course you should.

[726] But the thing is that the stakes are not nearly what they were.

[727] That's all, yes.

[728] Because the other thing, too, is there used to be in the 40s and 50s and in 60s, you could ruin your career.

[729] Your career could be over.

[730] If you spoke truth to power, if you got out of line, if you were the Smothers Brothers famous example, and your show was very vocally anti -war, and it was on primetime television on one of three networks.

[731] Anybody hasn't had 100 death threats on social media, hasn't been on social media.

[732] And they'll take two comments and go, I spoke and I got death threats.

[733] Everybody gets death threats on social media.

[734] It's nothing special.

[735] It doesn't make you, but people want to use that.

[736] that make themselves seem like they're taking edge.

[737] You know, if you're a comedian in the Ukraine right now, that's speaking truth to power where there's actually consequences.

[738] You end the book with one of my favorite quotes of all time, which I can't believe more people aren't citing right now, and I will get to that.

[739] Is it Yates?

[740] It is not Yates.

[741] Well, you do have a quote in here about Yates, which is, I tried to do it last night, had some trouble.

[742] The Mrs. was unhappy.

[743] I've heard about this This is great Heard about this Scientist who says I should get a hamster And shove it up my ass As it tries to fight its way out It will excrete an oil And this will give new potency To my erections Well Off to the Doctor That was one quote you put in there I can't believe You put that in there What?

[744] Who writes well off to the doctor by the way?

[745] Who writes that?

[746] This is a great writer.

[747] I can't believe Yates did that.

[748] Who does that?

[749] Although Yates does have one of the greatest quotes of all time, which is the worst or filled with passionate intensity, the best lacked all conviction, which is kind of relevant to today's society.

[750] No, it is.

[751] You make this great point in the book.

[752] You're sort of bringing it out that the United States, because people keep everyone in this moment, is trying to figure out.

[753] Is this country on the precipice of something, you know, cataclysmic?

[754] And you said the U .S. is a 50 statewide couples counseling session.

[755] Right.

[756] And we're thinking about filing for divorce, but we're not sure.

[757] And I thought that's a very apt description, I think, of where we are, which is this is the price of being in America, which is we're a big country.

[758] We're an extremely diverse country.

[759] We have completely different ecosystems on one landmass.

[760] and completely different histories and values.

[761] And so, of course, it's messy.

[762] And like a divorce couple, we fight over money.

[763] That's true.

[764] We do.

[765] And then we realize, hey, it's a 50 -50 state.

[766] It's L .A. She'll get half of what I've made.

[767] I'll have to keep doing the talk show longer.

[768] This isn't me, I'm saying.

[769] I'm just saying this is my analogy for where Mark is right now.

[770] And then Liza is like, well, wait, you know, if you're so unhappy, why don't you just leave?

[771] and I'm like, no, no, no, Liza, Liza Powell O 'Brien, we can't afford that.

[772] You know, I'm not going to be cut in half financially.

[773] And then the kids come in and they're crying.

[774] And Beckett's like, fuck you, dad.

[775] Nev is like, you know, you're so selfish.

[776] You're always about money.

[777] Can't you see mom's crying?

[778] And I'm like quiet.

[779] But anyway, that's America right now, in my opinion.

[780] And that has nothing to do with me. No, I didn't take it that one.

[781] You know, various people have various degrees of talent.

[782] Some people have a stunning amount of talent.

[783] And some people have less.

[784] And some people you don't even know where they're coming from.

[785] But to me, the game changer is, who understands that it's about work?

[786] And that's something that I think really has always set you apart.

[787] You're such a good thinker and writer.

[788] And I look at this, as again, I'll say it again about your book, so many comedians can just put out a book and they fill it up with some pictures and some quick, funny ideas, and they know that they'll make a quick buck.

[789] And you've got so many funny ideas in this book.

[790] It's really just loaded with them.

[791] I do feel, if you put the effort in, the truth will out.

[792] Do you hate compliments?

[793] Do you have a hard time with compliments?

[794] I don't.

[795] I'm actually loving it.

[796] So how are you with criticism?

[797] Criticism, I'm not as good with I pretend to enjoy it.

[798] I'll be like, hmm, and then my eyes widened.

[799] And meanwhile, I'm furious.

[800] But I'm like, ooh.

[801] Right, you would say, Sona, I'm terrible if people try to compliment me, and I'll see the way that it's an insult.

[802] Yeah, I actually, I mean, I'm surprised Colin likes it.

[803] I thought it was like an Irish thing.

[804] It is an Irish thing.

[805] To not take compliments very well.

[806] I don't know.

[807] I once saw Carmel Quinn.

[808] She's an old Irish singer, and she was on stage, and she did a joke.

[809] She goes, here's an Irish woman.

[810] and getting a compliment from my husband.

[811] Darling, you look beautiful tonight.

[812] Oh, shut up.

[813] Oh, it's true.

[814] It is true.

[815] It's like, it's not just an Irish thing.

[816] It's sort of a UK, there's something in the United Kingdom, I think, in general.

[817] You know, Ireland, Scotland, Wales, England, you can't.

[818] And I think we all accept it.

[819] Occasionally I'm around somebody.

[820] I was talking to the great actor Malcolm McDowell recently and we know each other a little bit and he's just, I think he's from Liverpool, but he's just so funny and he was so great just right away picking up on, Conan, you're an ass, you're a fool.

[821] You know, I can't believe they let you on television.

[822] It's an abomination and he's doing all that.

[823] And I'm laughing, I'm laughing, and his wife is saying, No. No, stop it.

[824] Stop it.

[825] And then she started saying, Conan, he doesn't mean it.

[826] He really does love you.

[827] And I want to say to her, trust me, this is how we talk to each other.

[828] Because the worst thing I could say to Malcolm McDowell is, you know, you really are an amazing actor.

[829] He'd never talk to me again.

[830] Do you know what I mean?

[831] Or if he said to me, I really do and think that you have a quick mind, I would never speak to him again.

[832] Yeah, yeah.

[833] That's how we are with each other.

[834] That's why I'm complimenting your book because I don't ever want to have to talk to you again.

[835] I totally want you out of my life.

[836] So I thought, how do I do it?

[837] And then it occurred to me, I know, I'll just tell him how much I love the book.

[838] And I'll tell him I read it when I haven't read a book.

[839] Since 1978.

[840] You end the book, and I'm going to read this.

[841] quote because I love this.

[842] You sort of make this point at the end that it's up to us America and you do it in this great way, which is you quote, my favorite person is Abraham Lincoln and he says, all the armies of Europe and Asia could not by force take a drink from the Ohio River or make a track on the Blue Ridge in the trial of a thousand years.

[843] No, if destruction be our lot, we must ourselves be its author and finisher.

[844] As a nation of free men, we will live forever or die by suicide.

[845] That's how you end your book.

[846] And I was so, I like teared up when I read that because it's one of my favorite quotes.

[847] Lincoln understood no one's conquering this country and destroying it except us.

[848] Right.

[849] Right.

[850] It was so weird that it seems like that's what's happening now, you know?

[851] Yeah.

[852] And it was happening then.

[853] We've been here before.

[854] I think the internet is what's accelerating everything and making it much more intense.

[855] But we've been here before.

[856] And with any luck, if we get to keep going, we'll be in this place again.

[857] Well, what saved us last time was an alcoholic president.

[858] We need a president that's an alcoholic like Ulysses S. Grant.

[859] Can you expound on that place?

[860] Well, I'm glad you asked me that.

[861] I'd love to just say, oh, yeah, of course.

[862] But I'm not going to because I don't know what you're talking about.

[863] Well, I mean, you need somebody who, while everybody's freaking out and everybody's like, like, oh, my God, you don't need somebody who's exacerbating or who's just tense or freaking out.

[864] You need somebody who's like, ah, it's fine.

[865] And I guess that's what Grant must have been.

[866] A guy who was like, wait a minute.

[867] Wait a minute.

[868] I know that you, I'm going to assume you've read Ron Chernow's recent book, Grant, which I did cover to cover.

[869] But, um, no. Ulysses says Grant was not stumbling around the White House all the time, burping and not off cans of 40s and like banging them around the floor and saying, that's fine.

[870] That's not who he was.

[871] Well, guess what?

[872] If that's, I guarantee you.

[873] I just praised you for having all this historic knowledge.

[874] And now you've reduced Grant to this tipsy, lovable drunk who was too south to do anything about the country and that ended up being a good thing.

[875] Is that what you're saying?

[876] I'm saying that if he wasn't a drunken maniac stumbling around the White House, I guarantee Ron Chernow was disappointed when he started doing him and found out that he wasn't.

[877] He must have been like, what am I doing right at this point?

[878] Yeah.

[879] He's like, I know, I'll do Grant.

[880] It'll have all these great stories of him mooning out the second floor of the getting totally trashed.

[881] And then he found out, yeah, he struggled with alcohol and it was a problem.

[882] But throughout his presidency, he really had it under control.

[883] And he showed a lot of restraint.

[884] And yeah, yeah.

[885] And then there were these interesting issues to, oh, shit, this isn't a good book.

[886] This is a terrible book.

[887] All I'm saying is sometimes a drunk can be a good, I mean, a lot of leaders, look at Winston Churchill.

[888] I mean, he wasn't an alcoholic per se, but he was what they call a heavy hitter.

[889] And he smoked like, he smoked like 20 cigars a day.

[890] Obviously, he had a lot of issues.

[891] Yes.

[892] And he was a great statement.

[893] My favorite, one of my favorite quotes about Churchill was I asked a friend of his, do you think Churchill's an alcoholic?

[894] And his friend said, oh, my God, no, no alcoholic could drink that much.

[895] That's a greatest quote.

[896] But look at, logically, look at this one.

[897] Look at Trump.

[898] Trump doesn't drink, doesn't smoke.

[899] So he takes all that subliminal, psychological, that psychotic thing and focuses on the country.

[900] Yes, it'd be better if he was drinking heavily and smoking cigarettes.

[901] Yes.

[902] Some of his self -loathing would be channeled into these vices.

[903] Absolutely, instead of into us.

[904] Yeah, what's hope that he starts drinking heavily?

[905] The next president is going to be a meth head maybe.

[906] Can I just ask you one question because we're about out of time, but this entire interview, you've been holding a stack of money and waving it around in my face to make points, and it looks like a couple of fives, 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30.

[907] It looks like you've got about $40 there, and you're waving it around.

[908] Why are you, I'm not a stripper.

[909] Why are you...

[910] It's $67.

[911] Okay, okay.

[912] Why are you holding $67 in your hand and pointing it at me when you make a point?

[913] Because I don't know.

[914] You know, all the great actors, they always have like, they say, oh, this is what, informed my performance, like Marlon Brando, oh, I stuffed that in my mouth cotton and suddenly I was the godfather.

[915] Really?

[916] Yeah, yeah.

[917] Great technique.

[918] Um, so for this conversation, as a man of letters, first of all, you should have seen a symbolism now that I think about it, even I didn't know what I was doing.

[919] Lincoln.

[920] Yeah, there he is.

[921] You see money.

[922] I see history.

[923] Okay, okay.

[924] Wow.

[925] You just shamed me. You just shamed.

[926] You just shamed.

[927] named me. You're so full of shit.

[928] I love it.

[929] I love it.

[930] You ruined Ireland's premier poet.

[931] Lorry it for me. That's what I'm taken out of his dictated book.

[932] I'm sorry.

[933] Yates was an amazing poet.

[934] One of the great poets of all time.

[935] And I love Yates.

[936] But when he couldn't get it up anymore, He sought out a rat and a hamster And wanted to squeeze out their essential oils And shove it up his ass And I can't when I read Yates Which I do from time to time That's something I think about How badly do you want an erection?

[937] How badly?

[938] I don't want rat oil up there.

[939] Oh, man. You're a great man, Colin Quing.

[940] You really are.

[941] Thanks, Colin.

[942] You're too good.

[943] You're a great man. And the book is overstated, a coast -to -coast roast for the 50 states.

[944] And you know what?

[945] It's really funny.

[946] And I will say, elegiac, and packed with great imagery and intelligence and a fine piece of work from a fine man. Colin, thank you so much for doing this.

[947] And for Christ's sake.

[948] next time we talk, I want you to be prepared.

[949] I want you to have a real computer.

[950] You know, we did this through a Commodore.

[951] A Commodore, and you hooked it up to rabbit ears from a TV set from 1967.

[952] Thank you, Colin Quinn.

[953] Thank you so much.

[954] I wanted to alert you guys to an article.

[955] that's been written about Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[956] Oh, okay.

[957] As you know, I don't read my press.

[958] People just sort of tend to give me the gist.

[959] Like, ooh, you are hated or you dodge another bullet.

[960] What's this one?

[961] Well, you don't need to worry even after I give you the gist about being able to decipher what the point is because it's from the Pledge Times article and it's clearly been translated from another language by an AI or Google or something into English.

[962] Wait, can you slow down a little bit because I don't understand what that means?

[963] What does that mean?

[964] Well, I think that this article was originally written in another language, but some kind of platform translated it into what it thinks is English.

[965] And when I read some of it, you're going to understand what I mean.

[966] Okay.

[967] This is a Google translated foreign article about our podcast.

[968] This should be interesting.

[969] As best as I can figure, let's see if we can decipher some of it.

[970] So these are just highlights.

[971] All right.

[972] Identified for his personal TV speak present, American Conan O 'Brien immediately makes top -of -the -line podcast.

[973] on this planet I think that's pretty good This is fantastic What am I called again American what?

[974] TV speak present You know what I am an American TV speak present That's great Here we go How what number of podcasts Are there on a dozen Random Avenue customers No less than 13 What is this?

[975] So far I understand everything This is how my brother Luke talks by the way.

[976] Luke, if you're out there, this is what you sound like to me. The provision of podcasts is so overflowing that there are in all probability an infinite variety of high quality podcasts as nicely.

[977] Oh, okay.

[978] So what they're saying is we have a good podcast, but there are so many of them out there that are really good, it doesn't really matter which one you listen to.

[979] Your guess is as good as mine.

[980] I think so.

[981] So many of your good podcast?

[982] No, no, just so many podcasts of high quality in general.

[983] Isn't that what they mean?

[984] Is that what it means?

[985] I think that's what it means.

[986] All right.

[987] Yeah, which is fair.

[988] There's a lot of great podcasts out there.

[989] Who are we to say we're any better than any of them?

[990] Yeah, okay, I guess.

[991] False monesty, false monosy.

[992] I know.

[993] I know.

[994] All right.

[995] Personally, I've left, and this is all one word, media may be it, just one podcast, which I pay attention recurrently.

[996] It's Conan O 'Brien wants a buddy.

[997] Conan O 'Brien won's a buddy Wants a buddy Wants a buddy Okay Well Together with his assistant The second presenter of the podcast Sonam Obsessian With normally simply going through the stink What?

[998] What?

[999] I'll read that again I'll read that again You only have to read the second part again We know it's second presenter Sonam Obsessian and then it gets crucially important, listen.

[1000] Sonam Obsessian with normally simply going through the stink.

[1001] Well, is it not true that you normally simply are going through the stink?

[1002] Yeah, are you the stink?

[1003] Am I just going through?

[1004] I don't know what you've revealed to this reporter.

[1005] You clearly had some sort of...

[1006] You think I spoke to them?

[1007] I think you spoke to them and you revealed a lot about yourself.

[1008] That's insanity.

[1009] Yeah, as well as, oh, good, oh good.

[1010] The producer of the present, Matt Gourley, brings its personal addition to the episodes.

[1011] Conan's speak present profession has turned to the conditional aspect.

[1012] He was close to the highest for a very long time, popped proper on high and rapidly dropped out of there because the countless stupidity of the present enterprise pamphlets.

[1013] Oh, what?

[1014] That sounded like a burnt meat.

[1015] Yeah, it's like a sick burn.

[1016] I don't know.

[1017] I think.

[1018] Wait, so I was doing well.

[1019] Yeah.

[1020] And then I popped out because of the present.

[1021] Present enterprise pamphlets.

[1022] Present enterprise.

[1023] You were on top and then you fell.

[1024] But I mean, we all know that.

[1025] But it gets really philosophical here following that.

[1026] Apparently, nevertheless, each wall actually is a door, as now Conan makes top of the line podcasts on this planet.

[1027] Okay.

[1028] Okay, so I fell and I encountered a door, but then that, I mean, I encountered a wall, but that had a door through it.

[1029] Uh -huh.

[1030] And then I became a podcaster.

[1031] Yes.

[1032] And that put me back on top.

[1033] So you failed as a TV host.

[1034] Yes.

[1035] And then you thrived in the podcast medium.

[1036] Great.

[1037] Terrific.

[1038] Thank you for underlining that.

[1039] So you failed.

[1040] You were really good and then you failed at it.

[1041] Yes.

[1042] Yes.

[1043] I failed terribly.

[1044] Yeah.

[1045] Okay.

[1046] Conan's peculiarity.

[1047] a weird mixture of self -delittling, openness to psychological well -being, comedian language, historical past fanaticism, lightning -fast improvisation, and a community gathered through the years of one of many brightest friends match into an intimate podcast format higher than another dialogue I've ever heard.

[1048] You know what?

[1049] I'm going to take that.

[1050] That was fantastic.

[1051] That actually, for a second, the computer became alive because I'm so good.

[1052] The computer was like, it broke through and said, damn it, this human is worth saving.

[1053] Yes.

[1054] Or like, this is the moment that Skynet becomes self -aware and the first thing it's chosen is Conan.

[1055] That was a beautiful sentence in its own way and very true.

[1056] And I do think, I think the robots are becoming self -aware.

[1057] I think the internet's becoming self -aware.

[1058] And the first thing it's doing is saying Conan O 'Brien is a great podcaster.

[1059] Of all humans, he should be the king.

[1060] oh when we take over isn't that what you guys got yeah i'm getting that yeah what i was going to say was i think it's really nice that all those things come across even though they don't seem to understand english very well your self -deprecating humor your improv skills it's nice i it ended up being is that it is it done no there's just two little more okay i'm just say uh yeah i mean other than the fact that i failed with my media pamphlets um um But then when, and he had a wall that turned out to be a door, I'm so far I'm okay with this review.

[1061] This is one of the nicer reviews I've ever heard.

[1062] Yeah, and I think it gets better from here.

[1063] As well as, Conan's fashion works higher and longer interviews than briefly speak present grunts.

[1064] I haven't laughed with another podcast as a lot.

[1065] Extremely, the head of Conan's profession is outdoors of TV.

[1066] Conan O 'Brien wants a buddy on all the main podcast.

[1067] companies.

[1068] Oh my God.

[1069] First of all, doesn't this read a little bit like E. Cummings?

[1070] You know, it's got like a sort of a weird, it's like a very modernist poet.

[1071] It's got a little bit of joyce in there.

[1072] It's a stream of consciousness kind of thing.

[1073] Yeah.

[1074] Yes.

[1075] Yes.

[1076] It feels a little like, it's a little Ulysses, Finnegan's Wake, sort of teamed with an old modem that's melting down because someone put cheese in it.

[1077] You couldn't ask for a better review.

[1078] That's really good.

[1079] That's the pledge times.

[1080] And those are just selected highlights.

[1081] So if I want to check that out there's more.

[1082] I want that robot doing my eulogy.

[1083] When I go, and I hope it's not for a long time, but when I go, Sona, look into it.

[1084] I want everyone to come, show up.

[1085] Sorry, but yes, the casket's there.

[1086] And then they put this computer up on the altar.

[1087] Now six feet under, Conan was once to be present, but his empertsized pamphlet in ground.

[1088] Lost Conan, live no more.

[1089] Heart unbeat, clown, foolish propaganda fell.

[1090] Now forever.

[1091] God's arms holding.

[1092] Food for worms, I knew him, Horatio.

[1093] Body moldering slowly.

[1094] That's awesome.

[1095] Death auto -erotic is fixed.

[1096] Oh, no. Unfortunate, not mentioned press pamphlet.

[1097] Secret till now.

[1098] O 'Brien was belt self -choked.

[1099] Explains it.

[1100] O 'Brien found old poster Farah Fawcett.

[1101] Oh, my God.

[1102] Family not told.

[1103] Computer mistake just made.

[1104] Sorry, all.

[1105] Wife crying.

[1106] It's going to be the best funeral ever I can't wait I want you to stage your death just for that Trust me You know what I'll do I'll fake it I'll fake my death Please that computer I want to see yeah I want it to be like a bad Late 70s Commodore early 80s And I want it I want it I want it dressed in a black suit And put up there With this crappy old computer Sad BI It knows the secrets you haven't told them.

[1107] And then the computer for some reason, it talks about me very briefly and then goes into the embarrassing way that I died.

[1108] And it goes on and on at length for two hours because it gets stuck in a cycle.

[1109] And people like, my wife leaves, my kids are ushered out.

[1110] And it just keeps going on and on.

[1111] Belt used.

[1112] Type of belt.

[1113] The color of the belt.

[1114] Oh, man. Undoing sex was.

[1115] Wow, incredible.

[1116] That's fantastic.

[1117] I salute you for bringing that to our attention.

[1118] That is a joy.

[1119] Yeah.

[1120] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend, with Sonamov Sessian and Conan O 'Brien as himself.

[1121] Produced by me, Matt Goreley.

[1122] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solitaroff, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf.

[1123] Theme song by The White Stripes.

[1124] incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[1125] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[1126] The show is engineered by Will Beckton.

[1127] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review featured on a future episode.

[1128] Got a question for Conan?

[1129] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

[1130] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[1131] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[1132] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.