Child Sending Inappropriate Texts, Vaping, Drinking? Use This Script

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[24] So you find something inappropriate on your child's phone.

[25] maybe it's even more than inappropriate it's disturbing or it's harmful right or maybe you find a vaping pen in your child's bedroom your first reaction is going to be out of fear right and that makes sense to me because you're going to start to think like oh how is this happening why is my child doing this did we do something wrong right why would my child get into this what does this mean is he really struggling is he going to get in trouble like how do we handle this like all of normal fears are normal and you should feel those things I just don't want you to react out of that fear and make things worse right because sometimes when we react we go initially I know what we go your first thought is like well what what are the consequence Kirk what are the consequences for doing this well if consequences worked you wouldn't be here in the first place and it's like not like consequences are going to change behave outward behavior they don't you have to get to the root of the issue and that's what I want to get to and I want to show you in this process okay I want to show you how to handle it differently so you can even though it's very difficult you can use this as an opportunity to understand something deeper about your child to get to the root of the issue to show them a different way to deal with maybe the social anxiety or lack of confidence or stress over school, whatever it is.

[26] You can show them a healthier, different way to handle that.

[27] You can problem solve with them instead of just getting angry and upset and barking consequences.

[28] And in doing so, you can build a closer, more trusting relationship with your child that will last forever.

[29] And these are tough situations.

[30] But that's what we're going to deal with today on this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast.

[31] So welcome, this is Kirk Martin.

[32] I'm founder of Celebrate Calm.

[33] find us at CelebrateColm .com.

[34] If you are struggling with your child, which is very normal, reach out to our child who we struggled with.

[35] His name is Casey.

[36] C -A -S -C -A -S -E -Y at Celebrate Calm .com.

[37] The great thing about Casey is this.

[38] He was the very child that you have, the strong -willed child.

[39] He still is a very strong -willed person, and we've grown to love that about him.

[40] And the great thing, too, is that he's young.

[41] He gets this.

[42] He's in tune with today's youth and all of the struggles and things that his friends have gone through.

[43] and so he can relate to you in this and relate to you with his strong well child because he was one.

[44] So if you need to help, reach out to him.

[45] Tell us about your kids, what you're struggling with.

[46] We will reply personally to you and very quickly because we know this is important and this isn't a business.

[47] It's a family mission.

[48] So if we can help you, let us know.

[49] You can find all of our resources to celebrate calm .com.

[50] My personal favorite is I just get to get everything package.

[51] It's like the cost of a trip to a therapist, but you can find you.

[52] get about 35 hours worth of very practical insights and strategies that actually work so you can understand your kids.

[53] And so this becomes second nature, right?

[54] So here's the process and what I want to go through.

[55] In this particular instance, a dad had found some disturbing things on his son's phone.

[56] And so this could be anything, right?

[57] This could be the child's talking inappropriately on a form.

[58] He's looking up porn.

[59] It could be finding a vaping pen or drugs.

[60] I'm going to go through finding something inappropriate on the phone so that can be very specific with it.

[61] But the same process and language will be the same for just about any situation.

[62] So let's do this.

[63] So you discover something that upsets you that's disturbing, that could be harmful, whatever that is.

[64] Yeah, your first reaction is going to be to freak out.

[65] out.

[66] And so it's okay to freak out at first, at first, but don't react out of it and approach your child while you're freaking out.

[67] Just internalize that a little bit.

[68] And then instead of going right to consequences, here's what I want you to begin thinking about, right?

[69] What's really going on inside, right?

[70] What is the root of this that is driving your child to do something that's harmful or wrong?

[71] Right.

[72] And that's, that would be my first.

[73] first questions, why is your child seeking things out?

[74] Does he struggle with friendships?

[75] Right?

[76] Is your child bored?

[77] Is he curious about things that he'd be embarrassed to talk to you about?

[78] That can be it.

[79] Does he like the feeling of anonymously talking tough on a form?

[80] Could it be the stimulation, the rush of doing something wrong?

[81] Because for kids that we work with, man, they like that brain stimulation and you know what sometimes it's kind of fun it's kind of a challenge to try to do something and get away with it that makes sense to me right is there a stimulation of arguing with people maybe he's got letting his alter ego out right what's really driving this you know is it trying to keep up with peers right with with vaping or with drugs i go to okay is there stress release A lot of your kids feel a lot of stress.

[82] They feel very different from other people.

[83] So is it a way of fitting in?

[84] Is it a way of dealing with that stress of school and childhood where they've never felt light?

[85] We have to find that out.

[86] And that becomes the foundation for when you approach your child.

[87] So first step, I want to normalize things, right?

[88] We react to things all the time.

[89] I can't believe that you would do that.

[90] Why?

[91] Why can't you believe that?

[92] We have all done things, whether it was when we were teenagers, or when we were young adults, or even right now, that don't make sense and that are harmful or hurtful.

[93] We all have done those things.

[94] And it's very normal for kids to explore things that are different.

[95] And so rather than going right to the shame, I can't believe that you would do that.

[96] I want to normalize it.

[97] Look, normalizing doesn't mean excusing it and saying, oh, this is good and healthy.

[98] I want to do it for you.

[99] Let's go buy drugs together.

[100] That's not what I'm saying, right?

[101] But when I approach it to my child, look, hey, it's normal for kids and even adults to find stuff online that's interesting, exciting, even novel, and sometimes bad and harmful.

[102] It's normal.

[103] So I'm curious.

[104] You know, I love that phrase because I'm curious as me coming alongside you to help you rather than, you know what, explain to me what you were thinking going on those sites.

[105] like what are you going to get well dad what i was thinking was i'm an awkward teenager and there were these naked pictures and they're free right when you were a kid you had to go sneak magazines but they're free to me and it was kind of interesting to me but i was kind of embarrassed to come to you for obvious reasons right and say hey dad i'm curious about naked people right like what is he supposed to say when you do that so when i go to hey I'm curious.

[106] What exactly do you like about these sites?

[107] How does it make you feel?

[108] Does it make you feel powerful?

[109] Like a grown -up?

[110] Is it just plain curiosity because you're at an awkward time of life and so you're looking up things that are interesting and novel to you?

[111] I'm curious.

[112] And I want to listen, right?

[113] Like I find the vaping pen.

[114] And look, I would free, I hate, I hate the word vape.

[115] I hate the whole idea of it.

[116] So it would be a big trigger for me. But I don't want to react out of being triggered.

[117] I want to find out, hey, it makes sense to me. I know a lot of other kids are doing this.

[118] And I'm curious, is this a way for you to fit in and hang out with some kids?

[119] Is it a way for you to release stress?

[120] Kind of get that?

[121] I understand that, right?

[122] you lead with things and here's maybe a good way of saying it too because framing these things is really really important so son daughter look when you were two or three everything in your world was new you'd explore you'd get into playing with blocks and spoons and bugs and shoelaces like everything you came in contact with was new to you when you explored it and that's normal well now you're 12 or 13 or 15 or 10, whatever age, and you've got access to this huge wide world of good things and bad things.

[123] So it's normal that you'd be curious.

[124] See, my job, son, daughter, when you were two and three was to make sure that you didn't bump your head too hard.

[125] You had to bump it a little bit, but I wanted to make sure you didn't bump it too hard.

[126] And I wanted to make sure that you didn't run into the street or fall off something and hurt yourself.

[127] See, while I'm saying that, I'm feeling something well up in me. See, you're starting when you can...

[128] So when you step out of yourself, and that's what being calm...

[129] Being calm doesn't mean you're some Zen master who just sits there calmly, unfeeling.

[130] No, I feel things deeply.

[131] But instead of feeling the...

[132] Taking it personally, and now I'm frustrated and I feel fear because you disappointed me and now I have to deal with something uncomfortable, now I start to feel what my child is feeling and see now the impulse goes to I want to protect you not just not punish you I want to protect you because when you were a little kid you explore and you bumped into things and I was there for you you didn't even know it but I was coming along all those times I picked you up and I moved you and I redirected you so you didn't bump into things and hurt yourself.

[133] But see my job now is to help you navigate this new world and it's big and you're exposed to it and you're vulnerable.

[134] Right?

[135] Instead of looking at the child is like, he's so strong, will, difficult, does things to hurt me. No, I'm looking at a vulnerable kid who doesn't know what he's doing.

[136] And look, he's got this big, wide world.

[137] We had to really work at it to find inappropriate things when we were kids.

[138] Right?

[139] We did.

[140] If we wanted to look at naked pictures, we had to figure out, we had to find someone who had an older brother and they hid that thing back behind the Etzel's barn.

[141] That's where we, you had to work at it, right?

[142] Now your kids are exposed to stuff.

[143] It's right there in their hands.

[144] And so my job, son or daughter, right, is to help you navigate this entire new world you're exposed to without you getting hurt in other ways.

[145] I like that a lot.

[146] Now I'm your partner.

[147] I'm coming along.

[148] Sorry for that.

[149] I'm not sorry for that.

[150] It's just, you know, when I feel those things well up, it's a good thing, right?

[151] Because it's a shift.

[152] It's a shift in your mindset.

[153] It's a shift in how you see this kid from seeing this kid to seeing like, it's like he was when he was two and three and four.

[154] I didn't run along.

[155] Hopefully when he was three, your child was toddler you weren't like you don't stop banging your head into things stop putting those things here it was normal for them to do it and you came up and you picked them up gently right and then you just shifted them and it right it was a little shift and it was sweet and you were protecting them now we get into this thing where we're just want to punish them all the time and it just doesn't work so you may share use wisdom with this right how you've gotten sucked into different things right with his dad, it was sucked into forums or political discussions.

[156] You've got to use some wisdom in here.

[157] Look, I had a teenage son, right?

[158] And so when we started talking about porn, I could talk about like, yeah, of course.

[159] I mean, it's very normal for boys, and I know girls as well, but it's very normal for you to be drawn to that, right?

[160] So you can talk about that in a way that gives some wisdom and context, not an excuse.

[161] well, I did it too, so it's okay for you to do it.

[162] You just normalize it, and then you can let them know how you dealt with certain things.

[163] But I want to listen to your child.

[164] I want to nod.

[165] I want to understand why they're doing it.

[166] Now, the next part of it gets to be problem solving.

[167] And look, you have every right, right, to take away the phone, delete certain apps, go through those.

[168] you can obviously take away the vaping pen and you can cut off allowance you can do all kinds of things all the consequences you want to give are just fine and good but they're not going to change what's going on inside of your child right so of course take away the phone for a period of time perfectly fine just don't just don't equate that with actually getting to the root and solving this long term, right?

[169] I hope that makes sense.

[170] See, what would be best is if you two together, oh, by the way, sometimes this is handled best if you do it one on one, not both parents, because many of your kids already have a feeling that you guys are always teaming up on me. Everybody's against me. And it's embarrassing and there's shame in this.

[171] So to have to walk downstairs and talk to two people looking at you feels overwhelming.

[172] By the way, that's why if you're ever interested, get the get everything package, a calm parenting package.

[173] We're including now the marriage program included in that for free.

[174] We used to charge it a lot of money separately for that.

[175] But I want people going through it.

[176] And one thing men often tell me is when I go to marriage therapy, it feels like the therapist and my wife are teeming up on me. and so that's why we kind of did that one so you can do it from home so it's one on one not two against one so just keep that in mind it might be the best way to handle this it'd be best if you guys together figure out a plan moving forward right like which apps do you keep on the phone which ones do you delete how do you monitor and help hold him accountable right it's not a shame thing it's a hey this is normal but i want to walk beside you and help and teach you to navigate this kind of approach, right?

[177] And so let's problem solve and then get to the deeper.

[178] The deeper part of this is trying to meet those internal needs that your child's trying to meet by going different places on the internet, by vaping, by doing drugs, whatever it is, whether it's a need for friendships, for confidence, for getting brain stimulation, for dealing with stress.

[179] What are all positive ways to do that?

[180] Right?

[181] That's where friendship, building good friendships and sports and service projects starting a business project that you to do together are extremely helpful and if you've never heard us go through before the mission and mentor approach please look that up the basics are i want to get my child using his or her particular gifts talents and passions helping or serving little kids animals older people because it feels really good when you have something to give maybe it's a service project maybe it's starting a little business.

[182] Maybe it's just doing something for a neighbor.

[183] Using their gifts and passions outside the home, right?

[184] Serving other people accountable to another adult because other adults can see good things in your kids and also hold them accountable.

[185] That's where I want to throw my energy because when I start to do that, the child builds, it builds their confidence.

[186] They meet new people.

[187] They make new friends.

[188] They feel good about themselves.

[189] It's a good way to deal with stress.

[190] But it's connection.

[191] Remember, it's connection that changes relationships.

[192] And that's what I want you to go with.

[193] So begin to think through this process when you encounter just about anything that your child's getting into because in the end what they learn is, oh, I can tell my mom or dad anything.

[194] They don't freak out.

[195] They don't shame me. They listen to me and they help me and they're a resource and they've normalized it for me. So that makes sense.

[196] That's what I want.

[197] So if we can help you reach out to Casey, C -A -Y, celebrate calm .com.

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