123 - Live at Vicar Street in Dublin

[0] This is exactly right.

[1] Hey, this is exciting.

[2] An all -new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th.

[3] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster, detectives.

[4] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.

[5] Who killed Saz?

[6] And were they really after Charles?

[7] Why would someone want to kill Charles?

[8] This season, murder hits close to home.

[9] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.

[10] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.

[11] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.

[12] Who knows what will happen once the cameras start to roll?

[13] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfinacus, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, DeVeyne, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.

[14] Only Martyrs in the building, premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.

[15] Go -bye.

[16] Up Dublin!

[17] It sounded like you were saying something else than What's Up Dublin just now?

[18] I was going to kick off my own thing.

[19] Tonight's the night.

[20] I paused.

[21] I started speaking Gaelic to everybody.

[22] You didn't know.

[23] This is so cool.

[24] This is the first show of our big tour.

[25] Of which you are not the U .K., and I know that.

[26] We're not.

[27] You have nothing to do with it.

[28] I know that.

[29] A fucking totally separate place.

[30] We knew it.

[31] We all knew it.

[32] We knew it.

[33] Whoever was posting on my Instagram yesterday was fucking lying.

[34] someone broke into your Instagram and started posting rumors that you think the Ireland's in the UK that's so embarrassing I mean can I do I have to say it fire Stephen he's not here no he's not in his usual spot no that means no listen the cats aren't going to take care of themselves that's right well and also there's no fucking way we're paying for Stephen's ticket to Europe fuck you Laura.

[35] He knows.

[36] Oh, man. I know.

[37] Sorry, we haven't done a live show in a while.

[38] This is insanely exciting.

[39] And it really is.

[40] Also, I don't even know what my sleep pattern is right now because I stayed up till five in the morning last night and then woke up at, like, almost one PM.

[41] And then I was like, 20 minutes later I texted you, you had texted me, just woke up 20 minutes later.

[42] I was like, I just woke up.

[43] I beat you.

[44] We don't know where we are.

[45] It's crazy.

[46] Guys, it's a whole day.

[47] This is interesting, isn't it?

[48] The last time we did a show was in Los Angeles where we live.

[49] So it was all our friends.

[50] You live there too.

[51] Los Angeles.

[52] What's interesting is Los Angeles is a part of the UK.

[53] And that's the thing.

[54] It seems like a lot of people don't understand.

[55] That's our message on the European tour is to really get the word about LA.

[56] Yeah.

[57] It's being connected to...

[58] We've started a GoFundMe It's important work.

[59] It is.

[60] Oh, can you talk about all the people coming to your hotel room?

[61] Just what we found out of it.

[62] Well, we stayed indoors because, you know, when we go on trips like this, big tours where we have shows right in a row, every single day right in a row.

[63] We like to save up all the work we're supposed to do and then just do it at the hotel like the day before.

[64] And a panic.

[65] It's really fun.

[66] It's best for storytelling.

[67] Yeah.

[68] Just to create the pressure.

[69] So well, the first experience I had was, I don't know if you guys are aware, but it's quite hot here in Dublin.

[70] Today, thanks for the weather you guys.

[71] I brought all kinds of cashmere sweaters and layers and rain gear.

[72] I was ready to look like fucking Paddington Bear and instead it's like go on the funk.

[73] So when I got into my hotel room, it was, I don't know how you guys do it, 14 degrees, whatever you do it.

[74] I mean, higher is hotter.

[75] Well, it was like, to us it was 90, but, so I'm just standing there.

[76] And I think, you know, hotel thermostats are, they're just a plastic thing on the wall that they give you to press to make you feel like you have control over your environment, which you do not.

[77] So I stood there pressing and pressing, sang where I was like I'm just too this is too hot and I can't just sit in a hot room um with jet lag and so I called down I was like sorry can somebody come up here and fix this thermostat and they're like we'll send someone I love fix it because it's not it's broken it's totally broken it's not me I did the same thing it's not it's broken yeah fix it not user error at all so quick pretty soon after someone knocks the door I open the door it looks like a younger hotter MMA Gerard Butler I was like What?

[78] What?

[79] What?

[80] I have no relatives that look like you.

[81] What the fuck is going on?

[82] I was not ready.

[83] A bonus is that you, it was just when you got there.

[84] So like if they had come today with like all your shit, like my whole room was a fucking pig sigh by like, you know, 24 hours after I'm in there.

[85] Yeah.

[86] No, I was, I looked very tidy.

[87] Well, my things looked very tidy, but I clearly have been traveling for 12 hours.

[88] So I was kind of like, hey, what, hi, trying to turn to the same.

[89] side, you know, like, come on in, suck, suck, suck.

[90] And he, of course, goes over to the fucking thermostat, and he presses one button and it kicks on immediately.

[91] I was just like, fine, it was a trick to get you in here.

[92] Fine, you might as well stay.

[93] But this was my favorite, and I've never heard this slang before.

[94] When he went to leave, he goes, if there's any other drama, just call me up.

[95] And I was just like, I wasn't being dramatic.

[96] It was really hot.

[97] It's really...

[98] Fair, I get it.

[99] But then I turned the TV on and I kind of couldn't make it go.

[100] I'm like, I should fucking call that guy.

[101] TV's totally dramaticing me. That's it.

[102] You're a pre -inture kickoff.

[103] Hey, what are you wearing?

[104] She's already looking at the notes.

[105] What do we...

[106] Well, I'm sweating.

[107] Here's the problem.

[108] I'm sweating, and I forgot to bring deodorant on this trip with me, so I'm wearing Vince's deodorant, so I'm going to smell like a fucking dude.

[109] Let's do it.

[110] Oh, yeah.

[111] That smells like going to a dance, like dancing with a guy that's in junior high.

[112] Yeah, ew.

[113] You know?

[114] Last time you did that.

[115] Some kind of nerve.

[116] It's been a while.

[117] But I miss it.

[118] I miss it terribly.

[119] It's kind of better than mine, though, because it's like clear and stuff, so I'm not getting like those, you know.

[120] Cancers.

[121] Guys have everything better.

[122] You're so obsessed with going to boots and getting some kind of like, uh...

[123] Boots?

[124] I can't, that was such a weird.

[125] You're just yelling boots back at us.

[126] And in a way that we can't tell if you like it or you fucking hate it.

[127] You're like, yes, boots!

[128] Don't go there!

[129] Somehow we're saying the word, the B -O -O -T -S word wrong.

[130] Boots.

[131] You tell us.

[132] How do you say it?

[133] She doesn't know.

[134] Nobody knows.

[135] Nobody knows.

[136] We're not mispronouncing fucking boots.

[137] That I know.

[138] I'm so mad already.

[139] The show just started.

[140] Boots.

[141] Pick one person to be the translator.

[142] Oh, yes, that's right.

[143] Is there anybody that's from Dublin that's sitting near the front?

[144] I think they look at night.

[145] Are you suspicious in any way?

[146] We're not going to make fun of you.

[147] What's your name?

[148] Emily.

[149] It's Emily.

[150] So, as this show goes, thanks, lighting guy.

[151] As this show goes on, when we mispronounce things, or we don't know what we're talking about, or we say something, we're totally wrong.

[152] Emily, you just throw a hand up.

[153] Would you please?

[154] And then we'll come and consult with you.

[155] Okay.

[156] Do this every show.

[157] They already, she already has her hand up.

[158] Man, she's going to get so tired.

[159] Her arm's going to get carpal tunnel.

[160] Our sister has something.

[161] I'm your sister.

[162] It's not Gallic.

[163] It's Gaelic.

[164] You fucking said Gaelic.

[165] You know what?

[166] You're out.

[167] You're both out.

[168] Oh, that sister or shit.

[169] Okay, here we go.

[170] What's your name?

[171] Louise.

[172] Louise.

[173] Louise.

[174] Do you think?

[175] that I said Gaelic or Gaelic.

[176] Emily sister?

[177] I said Gaelic.

[178] Oh, shit.

[179] She's been drinking since three.

[180] Escorted out, please.

[181] Immediately kicked out of the show you've been waiting to see.

[182] Sorry, wait.

[183] Tell me your name again.

[184] Louise.

[185] It's Louise.

[186] Grace.

[187] Yeah, one of us.

[188] Well, I want to go to a store and buy a bunch of shit, basically, is what we're trying to say.

[189] It's store named Boots.

[190] Penny's.

[191] It's going to be pennies.

[192] Oh, you can.

[193] Okay.

[194] J .C. Penning's?

[195] Yeah.

[196] Pennies is better than boots.

[197] Luis.

[198] Oh, man. Penes is the shit.

[199] Louise says pennies is good, Emily.

[200] That's what we're going with.

[201] We were, I feel horrible right now because we were at a, we were at a bar that's for tourists last night, which we didn't know until we were there.

[202] It's the oldest bar in, you know, fucking in the world.

[203] The brazen head.

[204] It's wonderful.

[205] and it was great but we heard the loudest American person at the bar and we were just like she's here right now I'm telling you don't say where she's from it was a girl like we get seated and we're eating and then I'll listen and we hear like and I turn to Vince and George I was like is she a fucking opera singer her voice is filling this room but it was like I actually don't really I mean no yeah It's so amazing you have to scream at the top of your lungs.

[206] And she's telling this dude who literally has no fucking interest in it, like about her flight and about like, no one cares how long it took you to get anywhere.

[207] Just FYI.

[208] Yeah, if you're going to be boring, please whisper.

[209] That's Americans, Americans.

[210] We're not, listen.

[211] Because a whisper for us is a, like, this is a whisper for us.

[212] Yeah, whispering for everybody else is normal.

[213] talking, yeah, yeah, for whispering for us.

[214] That's normal talking for the rest of the world.

[215] We also, there's also someone here either tonight or will you hear tomorrow night who, when we went through customs, do we go through customs?

[216] Oh shit.

[217] He was like, he was this great little guy and he was not a little guy.

[218] He was fine.

[219] He was like a normal size person.

[220] He's just a normal guy.

[221] Cute, cute fellow.

[222] And he was like, you know, what are you here?

[223] You do it in your accent.

[224] I can't.

[225] Don't make me do the accent.

[226] in front of people who actually have the accent.

[227] I think it's good.

[228] But I also told her that she can't do it unless she also is fake drunk.

[229] Oh, that's right.

[230] But I can't accuse the customs guy of being fake drunk at work.

[231] That's dangerous government shit.

[232] But he basically said, what's the purpose of your visit?

[233] Something like that?

[234] How's that?

[235] And then we were like, because it's so hard to tell people, we're here for a show, we're doing comedy show.

[236] We're doing a live.

[237] You don't want to tell a guy who's like letting us in the country or not, that we're doing a murder thing?

[238] Yeah.

[239] Well, it turns out we love murder, and so we've come to your country to visit.

[240] For murder.

[241] We've just been studying your murders here.

[242] Just interested in how you kill and where you kill.

[243] Yeah.

[244] Not really why, but...

[245] So we just said, we're here to do a live podcast, and then he said, what's the name of it?

[246] And Georgia said, my favorite murder.

[247] And he goes, uh, right, I heard all about it.

[248] There was a girl, an American last came through here on Friday.

[249] And she told me all about it.

[250] She was insane.

[251] You can't talk about murder.

[252] I'm saying chill.

[253] So if she's here from...

[254] Just doing an impression of my grandmother.

[255] I don't...

[256] That's all.

[257] I don't know how accurate is.

[258] And we found out her name and I forgot it.

[259] If you can be, if you can believe it.

[260] But, you know, we thank you for that.

[261] There are people just on the ground explaining to strangers what they're doing and how they're doing it with us.

[262] Karen invited them to the show.

[263] I did.

[264] She's clearly not here or she'd be screaming at this point.

[265] Yeah, I think so.

[266] Are you here?

[267] No. That's, no. Really?

[268] No. That sounded like a cat just got murdered in the back of it.

[269] Let's make that girl come up here and fucking explain what he looked like right now and see if she's telling the truth and then kick her out if she's wrong.

[270] No, I would never do that.

[271] So then we went outside the airport and we got a cab and this guy was like out of Irish central casting of like a grub.

[272] Irish cab driver.

[273] He had no interest in us at all.

[274] He was just trying to get his shit out of the airport area, I think.

[275] Yeah, he yelled at a guy who was, like, crossing too slowly in front of us, and I was like, yes, I like this guy.

[276] Yes, he, like, yelled out the window.

[277] He was like, out the open window.

[278] Go slower, go slower.

[279] He yelled sarcasm.

[280] That's how you know you're in Ireland.

[281] It wasn't rage -based.

[282] It was pure sarcasm.

[283] I actually Georgia got into the backseat Vince went to get in the back seat so I was like oh I'll get in the front seat Walked around Went to get into the driver's side Of course So shocked by that steering wheel I was like what kind of cars Is this a trainer car Where you learn how to drive a cab or something See we drive on the other side You guys That's the explanation It's so different And of course I was immediately So embarrassed and turned around and said sorry, and he goes, I don't mind.

[284] Again, a joke that comes off as anger and rage, but you're just like, oh, but you're kidding.

[285] I was like trying to explain to Georgia.

[286] I was like, that's why I am the way I am.

[287] I was raised.

[288] I get it a little, I get it.

[289] Right?

[290] There's a gruff love to everything.

[291] It's kind of a like holding back, watching you, judging you, loving you.

[292] Right?

[293] That's how you do it.

[294] I get it.

[295] I think I get you a little more now.

[296] And then it's like, well, when you're drunk and be like, I want to tell you secret, it's like, I actually really like you, even though I don't act on.

[297] Right.

[298] I don't.

[299] It's not, we don't act all nice because that's lame.

[300] You act like people bug you until you figure out whether or not they have a sense of humor, and then you like them.

[301] Yeah.

[302] Or at least that's me and, that's how me and the cab driver do it.

[303] I don't know if that's, it's a generalization.

[304] I don't know if that's everybody.

[305] Everyone's like, she's totally wrong.

[306] And she's calling us assholes at the same time.

[307] That's how.

[308] That's we kick off the show.

[309] Oh, by the way, this is my favorite murder.

[310] Hard start.

[311] Dublin, God bless you.

[312] Go bless you.

[313] God bless you.

[314] Oh, tell them about your plunging neckline.

[315] I forgot my slip.

[316] So usually we don't bring the girls out like this.

[317] It's not my style.

[318] Usually a two -person show.

[319] But now we're a quartet.

[320] I just figured 2018, we're going to have the girls start earning their kids.

[321] and really, you know, they've had a free ride for so long.

[322] Right.

[323] Tits out, my favorite murder.

[324] Tits out in 2018.

[325] I am the opposite kind of person, and I took my black bra that I brought a long special for the occasion.

[326] And when we were on the plane, I did the thing, I took it off, because I'm like, I wear to the, like, the, what is it called, airport, just to be like, I'm not horrible.

[327] Like, you can serve me stuff, and I'm not the way.

[328] worst.

[329] This is what society wants for me to wear a bra at the airport.

[330] Like, just be glad I'm not wearing sweats.

[331] So I take it off in the plane, boop, boop, and like sit on it.

[332] And then I'm like, I'll get it later.

[333] Then I forgot to get it later.

[334] So there's got a nice 34B black, non -underline bra on some British Airways plane.

[335] If you want it, it's yours.

[336] That's a freebie for the next person.

[337] People would be like, oh, that's, is this a thong that someone snapped in half?

[338] Um, but that's, the point is that's why I'm wearing a white bra and I apologize.

[339] It's fucking tacky as shit.

[340] My mom would be so pissed off at me. Georgia!

[341] It's very day class A. Yeah.

[342] But it doesn't matter because we're not in the UK.

[343] You know how those UK people.

[344] Exactly.

[345] And when I go to pennies, I'll get a bra.

[346] Saying words, we don't know what they mean.

[347] So you will cheer for us.

[348] Yeah.

[349] Stephen's not here, as we said, just to bring it down.

[350] Right.

[351] Okay.

[352] Now we can, okay.

[353] He got that.

[354] Let's talk about how it really feels.

[355] There you go.

[356] Stephen, everyone misses you.

[357] No, he's being very sweet and sending lots of photos of the cats.

[358] We're like close -ups, so in a way that I don't, I think I'm too old to understand.

[359] What if when you come back from this trip, the cats have somehow written you a note that's like, Stephen's too intense for us.

[360] We can't be cats sat by him anymore.

[361] We know that you think your dad hates cats.

[362] we like that he hates cats he leaves us the fuck alone we're standoffish we want them to be standoffish Steven's like and then but then he did a thing oh he's good he fucking did a thing where like last night he was editing a minisode for this week and he wrote like oh Elvis heard your voice and came over and like Elvis is right there listening to my voice which isn't true no he's not he's a cat he doesn't care but that's what I did oh my god my baby no i'm not fucking stupid like he's a cat i think i'm really rubbing off on you yeah that's probably true no he's not he's a cat he doesn't although that's not true because it really is true at this point by the time we're done recording at georgia's apartment it's almost like he knows that in like two hours or an hour and a half have gone by he's like wrap it the fuck up because he comes and sits on her lap and the second she says Elvis you want to go he's like meow like he knows he now knows it when we're like tone zoning it down and we're like, all right, this has gone on for too long.

[363] He's like sitting on, yeah, he comes up.

[364] Yeah, he knows.

[365] Because he's, I know he's a cat, but he's really smart.

[366] Like, Siamese are really smart.

[367] He's just, he's so handsome.

[368] I would like to say I was here in, I think it was 2001.

[369] I came to visit just for a vacation.

[370] And this is just a fun story that I remembered my friend and I. Go ahead.

[371] My friend and I, thank you.

[372] I'm going to take my time.

[373] Could I get a spotlight?

[374] my friend and I got into a rental car when I just fall backwards and die what a way to go we got a rental car and I was the only one that had the guts to drive it it was a fucking stick shift and we were driving on the wrong side of the road and we just decided we had a map this was like pre you know modern life so we had a paper map and we were just like let's just drive up one of these highways.

[375] It's got a letter and a number.

[376] See where we go.

[377] And we'll say what happens.

[378] Let's like just play it by ear.

[379] We went as far up the West Coast as we could.

[380] And but like we ended up getting out of the car.

[381] I don't know how we found this.

[382] I think it was like, I don't know, we basically went up to a fence.

[383] We opened it and closed it.

[384] What?

[385] I don't think you're supposed to do that.

[386] Well, and we walked over this hill and it was right we were on the coast right so we walked right down to the edge of the world to the edge of this island and we're like holy fuck and it was like an insanely high drop it was you know several stories yeah we sat on the edge of it with our feet over the side and we're like this is amazing and then this like storm rolls in so we can see the clouds coming like it was unbelievable or just sitting here like this is amazing whatever So before it gets close to us and starts raining, we got up when we walked back.

[387] I'm, like, worried about it.

[388] I'm sitting here like, oh, is she going to be okay?

[389] What up the clip?

[390] It was like fucking 20 years ago, and I'm worried.

[391] And then I take my leg off.

[392] That's the day.

[393] Oh, my God.

[394] She's been saving it this whole time.

[395] I had to save it for Dublin.

[396] No, but we get up and we leave, and we go to the, we check into, like, whatever hotel we find in the little city that's near there.

[397] And when we check in, the guy at the counter says, oh, you should go check.

[398] check out the cliffs, and he goes, but be careful, don't go near the side.

[399] Taurus die up there all the time.

[400] They get blown right off the side all the time.

[401] We fucking went and sat, no, like literally swung our leg and we're like, this is such a great vacation.

[402] And like, we're both just went all white.

[403] We're like, sounds good.

[404] Yeah, we won't do that at all.

[405] This is why I have anxiety to save my life.

[406] Yes.

[407] I save lives.

[408] can we sit because I've never sweated so much in my fucking life?

[409] Yeah, I'm totally sweating.

[410] Alright, let's sit down.

[411] Let's sit down.

[412] Look at these.

[413] Just like kind of these chairs are from a disco, aren't they?

[414] Like these are legit comedy club chairs.

[415] There we go.

[416] It goes down a little.

[417] Oh, okay.

[418] There we go.

[419] Don't worry, I shave my legs, which is great, because you guys are so close.

[420] But I'm sweating profusely.

[421] It's hot.

[422] It's summertime.

[423] It's not Q &A.

[424] Oh my God, she has deodorant.

[425] She has deodorant.

[426] She has deodorant.

[427] She just found it on the ground, I think.

[428] It's fucking brute.

[429] It's brute.

[430] Thank you.

[431] What's your name?

[432] Daryl.

[433] Daryl.

[434] How come you bring deodorant to comedy shows?

[435] Is this yours or did you find it on the ground?

[436] It's yours.

[437] Thank you.

[438] For moments like this.

[439] Whoa.

[440] Thank you.

[441] The whole place engulfs and flames.

[442] Good call.

[443] Thank you.

[444] Shit.

[445] What are the chances?

[446] Oh.

[447] Karen.

[448] Do you have any head bandages?

[449] Because I'm going to need those later.

[450] This is, okay.

[451] Oh, and now it really smells like a seventh grade boy out here.

[452] It's strong.

[453] It's strong, but I'm not sweating.

[454] It's just staying in my body and toxing me. Good.

[455] Instead of detoxing me. You know.

[456] That's what we want.

[457] That's what we want.

[458] It's probably at my water.

[459] Let's have a sip.

[460] Karen, you know I'm all about vintage shopping.

[461] Absolutely.

[462] And when you say vintage, Did you mean when you physically drive to a store and actually purchase something with cash?

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[480] Goodbye.

[481] Hey, this is exciting.

[482] An all -new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th.

[483] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster detectives.

[484] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.

[485] Who killed Saz?

[486] And were they really after Charles?

[487] Why would someone want to kill Charles?

[488] This season, murder hits close to home.

[489] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.

[490] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.

[491] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.

[492] Who knows what will happen once the cameras start to roll?

[493] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfinacus, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, DeVine, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.

[494] Only murders in the building, premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.

[495] Goodbye.

[496] All right, we didn't decide how, who's going to go first, right?

[497] Because now we're all off.

[498] We recorded like four episodes before we left to cover us while we were gone.

[499] And then we usually have photos and Steven, like, put some in order.

[500] And so we, but we thought it would be better to be more intimate and not have photos, guys.

[501] You don't need photos.

[502] That's why.

[503] You're clapping.

[504] You don't know why you're clapping.

[505] Good.

[506] I hate photos.

[507] I can't see that great.

[508] Anyway.

[509] I can't see so good.

[510] Do you want to go first?

[511] You want me to go first?

[512] We usually were going to decide based on who's murder.

[513] would be better to end on.

[514] Less of a bummer.

[515] How recent is yours?

[516] 2001.

[517] I think you should go first.

[518] This is a true crime slash comedy podcast.

[519] So that can be a little delicate.

[520] It's a conversation.

[521] We talk about heavy shit, but sometimes we're lighthearted about it.

[522] If that's going to bother you, you should get the fuck out.

[523] I'd also like to say that those of you who did wonder and off the street thinking that this wasn't going to be like this because my name is George on the ticket and you thought that maybe there'd be at least one man up here taking care of shit you've been missing form get the fuck out of here my name is Georgia what if there's like there's somebody in the audience is like I was guaranteed a man would be on stage I what are they going to do they have no guidance or leadership you're fucking asking for it dude whole rotation okay so Mine, yeah, let's, good Colin, ending on the later one.

[524] Okay.

[525] This is about the fucking asshole, Colin Whelan.

[526] Oh.

[527] Okay.

[528] Just them.

[529] All right.

[530] So Colin Wheelan, he first meets 19 -year -old Mary Go in, Gau?

[531] Gaw.

[532] Thank you.

[533] Hold on, Louise.

[534] Gough.

[535] Thank you.

[536] Sorry, we don't know how to read in America.

[537] or do you have any research apparently watch one, okay, Goff in 1993 so Mary is working at a pub called the Huntsman Inn she's this lovely young lady she was born in 1973 she's the only girl of six and she's the second to youngest so this fucking dudes or her brothers adore her she's like the light of the family Colin he is born in 71 he's born into like a nice middle class family from Gormanstown Gormanston Gormiston She doesn't even know what you're talking about She doesn't know Karen, you say that What, Gormanstown?

[538] Always like it has to have some weird fucking sound in the middle of it because everyone yells at us and then it just looks like it We have PTSD, we have pronunciation PTSD We have been verbally assaulted by entire cities because we didn't say they're fucking local town right.

[539] All across America, people have screamed and screamed at us, which started our, we began a crusade, and it's called spell it like you say it.

[540] And we're just asking people to please.

[541] All right.

[542] Okay.

[543] So here we go.

[544] Yeah.

[545] So Collins from, it's a better suburb of Dublin.

[546] He is a computer analyst with a background in IT.

[547] He gets this well -paid job with a banking giant Irish permanent.

[548] You guys work there.

[549] They love it.

[550] This is there their yearly conference tonight.

[551] Oh, you guys had a holiday this weekend we hear.

[552] Oh, yeah.

[553] You guys are way less shit -faced than I would have expected for a bank holiday, and I want to say we appreciate it.

[554] I just love that week.

[555] I kept seeing commercials for like furniture stores, but it was like bank holiday sale, where I was like, what the fuck is this bank holiday situation?

[556] It's a big deal.

[557] Yeah.

[558] So he works there for like nine years he's big time and uh so mary's brothers describe her as beautiful funny intelligent easygoing and a straight talking girl and Colin is her first boyfriend which we all fucking know is except for the ones who married them and they're here with them tonight we all know good cover good cover thank you thank you well done thank you um there's always some girls like i know but i got a good one you're like all right all right keep it fine So, she's from Stalmullen.

[559] Stimoulin.

[560] Close enough.

[561] Let Louise say it.

[562] Louise.

[563] She doesn't know.

[564] You can't do it.

[565] We're back to Emily.

[566] What do you call it?

[567] Stamollin.

[568] Stramullin.

[569] No?

[570] They're claiming that you want to see it.

[571] There's too many.

[572] We'll be here all night.

[573] Spellin?

[574] They're saying.

[575] I thought they were pronouncing the.

[576] word so I said spellin but they were like spell it oh spell the word oh it's that city spelling over in um on the east side I'm not I'm not saying any more places so we're good spell the word and they'll tell you okay I'm gonna because they ask the same thing and then we oh I see and then we attacked Louise S -T -A -M -U -L -L -E -N and says at the same time it sounds like nothing do you understand it's your big chance Louise shout it out Stamolin.

[577] We might have to get you, your own mic.

[578] Give her that deodorant.

[579] Pass the deodorant to Louis.

[580] So Colin becomes Mary's very first boyfriend.

[581] And her mother, they liked Colin, but her mother said that she thought that Mary loved too much, loved him too much.

[582] I know.

[583] In August, 1970, they start dating in, where was I?

[584] 93.

[585] In August of 97, Colin buys a house.

[586] and Balbrigin feel it love it take it inside I'm doing it it's happening your victory is real if you just keep failing when you get one little victory people are like good job in 98 they get engaged and they move in together so Mary's mother Marie has miss givings of course about Colin and the control that he exerted over her saying that he insisted she would dress down and not be like revealing, but meanwhile he was fucking checking out girls, all the ladies all the time, you know.

[587] He would not approve of this dress.

[588] Absolutely not.

[589] I mean, it is a bit nuts.

[590] Then, so Mary, she's 27 now, and she's planning their September 2000 wedding.

[591] Meanwhile, he, Colin, makes a visit to their financial planner secretly, and he doubles their life insurance policy so that the surviving partner would get 400 ,000, euros of your money euros you know what your money is called and so do we so do we so we don't even have to say it it's a bank holiday let's stop talking about money you guys are so greedy we don't want to talk about money don't be so superficial that you need to hear the name of what your money is called so it would get 400 ,000 if one of them died within 10 years of marriage which seems like it shouldn't be a thing to be like betting on how long they'll live in the marriage.

[592] Shouldn't be allowed.

[593] No, it's like, but if you die within five years, you'll get this.

[594] This is not a fucking contest.

[595] In September 2000, after dating for seven years, excuse me, they're married.

[596] Apparently allergies can come to Dublin with you.

[597] I mean, you're carry -on.

[598] Da -da -da -da -da -da.

[599] After our dating seven years, they're married.

[600] And at this point, Mary's working in a solicitor's office in swords.

[601] Swords.

[602] Seriously?

[603] What the fuck?

[604] I tried to put a spin on it.

[605] Thank you.

[606] You guys are so supportive.

[607] Okay.

[608] And she's, of course, highly regarded as by colleagues because fucking everything sucks.

[609] So, Colin, which is the name of my ex -fiancee, so of course I fucking hate this guy even more.

[610] Stupid name.

[611] I love to hear the subtext of these stories.

[612] They're just filled with rage.

[613] Adding my own bullshit into this.

[614] like that I should take out in therapy instead of on stage.

[615] I think this is therapy.

[616] Yeah, I mean.

[617] So that means I pay you guys $150 at the end of us.

[618] 150 L with two lines in it.

[619] So after just four months of marriage, Colin starts an online relationship with a woman named Helen who lives in Wales.

[620] That's in the UK.

[621] He says, to her that he starts bragging about how he's about to get 400 euros because his wife had died in a car crash.

[622] It might not be euros.

[623] It is.

[624] Let's consult Louise.

[625] Pounds.

[626] No, you're at 400 ,000.

[627] That's what I did not say that.

[628] Well, I didn't mean that.

[629] Thank you for catching that.

[630] Thank you.

[631] 400 ,000.

[632] That's a lot more.

[633] I feel like I need to warn you now, Louise, you are absolutely going to be attacked at some point.

[634] But it's very vulnerable to.

[635] to have to go to you for every fucking word you say.

[636] We're gonna, send you to therapy after this.

[637] We understand.

[638] 400 ,000.

[639] So he is bragging to this woman, Helen, who has no fucking clue what's going on, that, yeah, his wife had died in a car accident years earlier, so he was going to get that money.

[640] And he made up a nickname for her to call him, furry bear.

[641] Ugh.

[642] As opposed to what other kind of bear?

[643] You know, that sad one that you've seen without hair?

[644] Like a Chernobyl bear?

[645] Yeah, dude.

[646] Redundant bear.

[647] So the relationship gets intense.

[648] She's like, we're falling in love.

[649] They email each other sometimes dozens of times a day.

[650] You remember that in 2001.

[651] Remember in 2001 when you can have an online relationship with someone and it like meant something?

[652] And your friends weren't like, what the fuck are you doing?

[653] Yeah.

[654] Because we didn't know.

[655] and they have phone calls.

[656] He sends her photos of him with his photo face, his face of his photo, superimposed over a fucking weightlifter's body.

[657] And I think she finds out and thinks it's like funny, but it's not.

[658] He doesn't, he does not mean it funny.

[659] It's not like he's like, look, I'm a meme or anything like, it's before that.

[660] There's no memes.

[661] It's 2001.

[662] It's pre -meam time.

[663] He has.

[664] So I also bet that Photoshop is insanely shitty.

[665] so it was like his head with a black ring around it.

[666] Part of a bar in the background.

[667] Two ear, like his real ear, and then the ear from weightlifter.

[668] And, of course, his face is normal Irish white, and then the bodybuilder's body as like a hot dog's color.

[669] Yeah.

[670] So then they plan to meet for the first time.

[671] He's like, makes up a bullshit thing that he's going to Germany for work.

[672] To go get muscles.

[673] Yeah.

[674] And so they plan to meet on March 2nd, 2001.

[675] She's all excited about it, and then doesn't hear from him after that.

[676] So it turns out the day before they're set to meet on February 28, 2001, at 16 minutes past midnight, Colin calls 999, that's what you guys call it.

[677] They know.

[678] I know.

[679] I know.

[680] I don't know why I told them.

[681] We're having a heart adjustment, period.

[682] And asks for an ambulance.

[683] He claims that his wife, Mary, had fallen down the stairs.

[684] He tells the operators he didn't think she was breathing, and so he was talked through CPR and heart massage by the operator and made a show of carrying them out, of course.

[685] We're not going to play the 911 -999 call, don't we?

[686] Because I would walk off the stage.

[687] The ambulance arrived at 1230, and immediately paramedics were like there's some shady shit going on they can tell because Mary's position was not consistent with someone who had fallen down the stairs or someone who had gotten CPR and there's no blood on his face from having given her mouth to mouth even though there's blood on her face.

[688] They also found Mary with like a duvet or a quilt resting over her which they thought was weird and her body was too cold to have had it just happen a half hour earlier and most telling though they found a blood -soaked towel around her neck and they work frantically to save her and Colin coldly asks is she dead and they were like this is fucking not okay yeah and then with within minutes of Mary's arrival at the hospital Beaumont Hospital questions are raised from the medical staff this nurse sister Catherine Galvin she she is like what the fuck you have scratches on your chest and so goes over to Gardi Garda Garta And it's like Yo check this guy out Garty sounds like some dude That's standing in the corner at the hospital You know Garty He has a bunch of cigarettes You can always bum a cigarette from Garty You know So yeah So she notices that And then the doctor who's trying to resuscitate Mary notices marks on her neck And chest Which suggests that she hadn't fallen down the stairs And also at the hospital Colin seems to have no remorse sadness over Mary's death.

[689] Mary's mother Marie, who's, of course, extremely close with her only daughter, goes up to him and is like, what happened?

[690] And she says, I walked up to Colin and he was sitting with his head and his hands and I said, how's Mary?

[691] And he just said she was dead, just like that.

[692] I couldn't get over it.

[693] I'll never forget the way he answered me. He was just sitting there.

[694] I was looking at everyone else, roaring and crying, and I didn't know what to think.

[695] So that's fucking shady.

[696] Later that day, Dr. Marie Cassidy, of the state pathologist company.

[697] She badass.

[698] She confirms the suspicions of Garda and says that she had died of exfixation.

[699] The story of what really happened that night was that as Mary was getting ready for bed Colin came up behind her with the belt of a dressing gown and tries to strangle her but she fucking fought like hell and scratched him up.

[700] Then that's what they saw at the hospital.

[701] And then she's unconscious.

[702] He drags her down the stairs and sits and covers her body with the blanket so that he could disguise her time of death, like trying to keep her warm, which is fucking insane, and then has time to clean up the crime scene.

[703] But he overlooked traces of blood, so when they go through the house, they find all this shit.

[704] He's, yeah.

[705] They search.

[706] Then this guy is a fucking IT specialist with his own company.

[707] And yet, the Garda searched his computer and found that within weeks of setting up the insurance policy prior to their wedding, Colin was looking up different ways to kill Mary.

[708] Fucking Googling this shit.

[709] I don't think Google exists yet.

[710] What was it then?

[711] Asked Jeeves.

[712] He was binging that shit.

[713] He was binging the shit out of it.

[714] That was an innocent time, like 2001, where people thought, Oh, I'll just put this into my own computer and no one will be the wiser.

[715] Porn, porn, porn, porn.

[716] And then you hit clear history.

[717] Clear history, you're gone.

[718] It's cleared.

[719] What are cookies?

[720] Elvis just walks out on stage.

[721] Oh, that would be, oh my God.

[722] What if we don't bring Stephen on to her, but we do bring Elvis?

[723] That's so insulting.

[724] That's just rude.

[725] Just plain rude.

[726] That would be great.

[727] So, some of the searches this fucking idiot goes for are exfixiation, loss of consciousness, how long to take to die from exfixation, lack of oxygen to the brain, and death by strangulation.

[728] He just should have put, I'm going to kill my wife in there.

[729] What should I do step by step?

[730] Tell me exactly.

[731] But somehow, and I think it's probably because of arrogance, despite being a computer analyst, he just didn't realize that they could trace every movement on him.

[732] So maybe didn't graduate at the top of his class.

[733] Probably not.

[734] Another creepy thing found on his computer was a downloaded transcript of a case from Northern Carolina regarding...

[735] North Carolina.

[736] Northern.

[737] Same thing.

[738] North Carolina.

[739] We know that one.

[740] Why do I have to put a spin on it?

[741] I don't know.

[742] I have to like try to sound smarter and I just sound stupid.

[743] out every word on the page.

[744] I do.

[745] I'm so sweaty.

[746] Okay.

[747] I am too.

[748] I am too.

[749] Okay, great.

[750] In North Carolina, which is in the northern part of Carolina.

[751] There's also South Carolina.

[752] Hi.

[753] All the fucking Carolina.

[754] They're all here tonight, folks.

[755] Okay, there's a case there regarding death by strangulation that's really similar.

[756] Basically, you like studied another fucking murder case.

[757] In both cases, the bodies were wrapped in a blanket to keep the body warm, and they both involve the use of a towel to hide the marks around a victim's neck.

[758] So, and they found out about the affair, and he had affairs both before and after marrying Mary, and he posted his number, on a number of dating sites trying to get sex, and then other one's trying to get relationships.

[759] He's just a real piece of shit.

[760] So, um...

[761] Why do the relationship one?

[762] I don't know.

[763] I mean, not to be cynical.

[764] But isn't it?

[765] How much time do you have in your fucking day?

[766] That fucking arrogance, man. Yeah, I'll get you.

[767] So, um, okay, then, okay.

[768] A month after Mary's death on April 10th, 2001, Collins charged with her murder.

[769] And the case was going to make legal history in that, it would have been the first time that virtual evidence was crucial.

[770] because the internet searches would have been central to securing a conviction and that was the first time that would happen which is like, God, what an idiot.

[771] You know, that's your legacy?

[772] No. You're an IT guy that is the first person to be prosecuted for virtual evidence.

[773] Way to go.

[774] Irony.

[775] This is the irony.

[776] He denies the fucking charges, of course, but the trial is set for October 13, 2003.

[777] and he's fucking let on bail for some reason.

[778] It was going to be seven months later and they're like, go ahead and wait at your house or wherever you want.

[779] Like, come on.

[780] And so, of course, his car is found, shortly after his car is found abandoned at Houth.

[781] Hoth, damn close.

[782] You wanted two choices on that was, a 50 -50.

[783] Hoth, which is an outer suburb of Dublin, and it's on Upper Cliff Road.

[784] actually it's on upper cliff road which is a set of cliffs what if it's the one you were oh my god i was there you were there you were there he was in 2001 too what if you looked over and you're like there was a man that was standing now that i think about it i can see a man so they find his car on the cliffs you know leading to people some people assuming that he had committed suicide his car's there all his belongings were in the car.

[785] And I'm sure it was like, ooh, he committed suicide.

[786] But Mary's family was like, fuck that shit.

[787] No, he didn't.

[788] They knew.

[789] They, um, they were like, I wrote, of course Mary's family was like, oh, hell nah.

[790] And they convinced, and they were convinced that Colin had faked his own death, so they formed a huge search party looking for him.

[791] But meanwhile, and it turned out they were right, of course.

[792] Meanwhile, Colin had stolen the identity of a neighbor named Martin Sweeney, Martin had never applied for a passport, so fucking Colin goes, Martin's my dad's name, and Colin's my, wow, goes in a...

[793] It's all coming together.

[794] Oh, my God!

[795] Then, so then he applied for a passport, and this guy, Martin's name, gets the passport, and flees to Spain.

[796] He settles on an island called, and I wrote this phonetically, Mallorca.

[797] So that's the one you spell phonetically.

[798] I know.

[799] The one nobody gives a shit about it.

[800] So I guess it's not It's an island that's not oftenly frequented by Irish tourists Are you drunk?

[801] No!

[802] You've seen me for the past two hours backstage.

[803] I've just huffed a lot of deodorant That's a couple hours.

[804] She's high on brute.

[805] So and he gets a job in a resort as a bartender and he's just like living it up like Kokomo style and you're like fucking...

[806] You know he wore his shirt Like the first button was way down here button.

[807] He was like, he's like, I'm a bodybuilder.

[808] It's me. It's me, the Irish bodybuilder.

[809] Right.

[810] He fucking makes friends.

[811] He gets a girlfriend.

[812] He's like, this is my life now.

[813] Asshole.

[814] But then he begins frequenting Irish bars in Palma Nova, which is like, you really like fucking number one and hiding your identity.

[815] like, don't go to the bar where people who are from the place you're hiding from hang out at it.

[816] Hang out, where you're going to get super drunk and then start going, wait, where are you from?

[817] Hi, so am I. And, I tell you a secret.

[818] I say a secret.

[819] I have a crazy secret.

[820] Because you're my best friend.

[821] So I'm going to tell you.

[822] I know we just met.

[823] I killed people.

[824] And he tells, he, um, He tells all his best friends that his parents are dead and he has no surviving relatives, which is like red flag, I think, right?

[825] Yes.

[826] Unless it's real and then like, oh my God, I'm so sorry, I doubted you.

[827] It sucks.

[828] It can go one of two ways.

[829] Either you're the asshole or they're the asshole.

[830] But it's rare that somebody doesn't have like one old aunt sitting around somewhere.

[831] Or like someone who they keep in touch with on Facebook from elementary school, like just one.

[832] Maybe two.

[833] Okay, so this, of course, this place, Santa Ponsa.

[834] So he starts going to night spots in this other place, Santa Ponsa, that's like Ireland's favorite fucking place to hang out.

[835] Outside of Ireland.

[836] So, of course, in July of 2004, 16 motherfucking months after fleeing, that's a long time.

[837] Yeah, it is.

[838] That dude was spotted.

[839] He's, Cullen spotted at the bar by someone from Dublin, who was like um and he gets extradited back to Ireland Yay That person It's fucking saved up for their vacation To Santa Puella Or whatever it's called They're fucking half in the bag Like isn't it great to be the Uh oh Or what if it was like Where do you know you from Did we go to camp together I like to elementary school.

[840] Do we do Highland dancing and grammar school together?

[841] Local references, you don't like, okay.

[842] They don't want to.

[843] They're like, stop generalizing about us.

[844] You don't know us.

[845] A friend at the bar, a friend that he had worked with said, there's nothing out of the ordinary about.

[846] They were all like, what the fuck?

[847] His girlfriend's devastated about the whole thing.

[848] Can you fucking imagine?

[849] Oh, my God.

[850] She had no idea who he really was.

[851] So she, the girlfriend thought he was dead too.

[852] She let him.

[853] No, no, no, the girl, Helen, girlfriend A is like, it's like, they knock on, she, he doesn't show up when he's supposed to.

[854] They knock on her door and they're like, we need to talk to you about your online boyfriend calling.

[855] And she's like, oh my God, is he okay?

[856] They're like, yes, but.

[857] And she fucking is going to, like, testify against him.

[858] Oh, got it.

[859] Like, fuck this dude.

[860] Yeah.

[861] This girlfriend is the island girlfriend, a new girlfriend.

[862] Oh, okay.

[863] And nobody had any idea.

[864] And she had no idea either.

[865] So, like, you know, da -da -da -da -da, don't date people on islands.

[866] That's the point of that one.

[867] This is an island.

[868] I'm just sweating, so bad.

[869] This is high pressure.

[870] It's a high -pressure situation.

[871] You had one job.

[872] Every move we make is wrong.

[873] Edit that out.

[874] So now this colon is 34 years old at the time of the murder trial.

[875] He expresses no emotion at the hearing.

[876] He just stands there with his head down.

[877] Just as Paul Carney told him, since he prolonged the Goff's family suffering when he refused to offer a quick trial while extradited, he's still being a dick, he also said that this, quote, this has been the most calculating and callous killing I ever encountered in my time in court.

[878] So in April 2005, he, Colin pleads guilty to the murder of Mary.

[879] At the sentencing, one of Mary's brothers spoke and said, our family is living a life sentence since her murder and will always have to live with it.

[880] that they won't, uh, we won't get off for good behavior.

[881] Mary is gone forever and we can't run away.

[882] Like you fucking ran it.

[883] So Justice Carney hands down, a mandatory life sentence, the most severe sentence he could hand down.

[884] He said in normal circumstances, he would backdate the sentence to the time already spent in custody.

[885] But since Colin had later dazed from the state, he wouldn't.

[886] So he's like, oh, he's tacking on that 16 months.

[887] I know, like, remember your island vacation?

[888] You're going to pay.

[889] Yeah.

[890] So Mary's brother David addressed Colin, saying that the family would never, ever, ever, quote, forgive him because he took a piece of each of them when he killed Mary.

[891] And quote, Mary's only crime was loving you too much.

[892] I know.

[893] And that's the murderer, Colin Whelan of Mary Goff.

[894] Wow.

[895] That's glad.

[896] That was amazing.

[897] Thank you.

[898] That was great.

[899] Boy, I'm glad.

[900] Yours is next.

[901] I'm going to do a Billy in the Bowl.

[902] Our gal.

[903] Emily, stop it.

[904] Some also people know him as the stony batter strangler.

[905] Oh.

[906] Now they get it.

[907] This was actually, this story was tweeted to us on our Twitter page by a Dublin theater group called Tales from the Shadows.

[908] Oh, it's Emily's theater group.

[909] Oh, my God.

[910] What are the chances?

[911] Here, stand up.

[912] Okay, what's your theater group all about?

[913] We do storytelling and shadow puppetry altogether.

[914] We also just started a podcast.

[915] We've got two episodes so far.

[916] What's it called?

[917] Silence from the shadows.

[918] Silence from the shadows.

[919] Sorry, sounds to the shadows.

[920] Is it like a storytelling podcast?

[921] Yep.

[922] Represent.

[923] Storytelling.

[924] Fuck you.

[925] That's awesome.

[926] Yeah, because you know what I was going to do?

[927] I had Aalius Grace, that story that was just on Netflix, and I had it all researched.

[928] Don't act sad.

[929] That's really rude.

[930] But then I realized it was an Irish girl, but the whole thing took place in Canada.

[931] So then I was a picture in my mind like, no one gives a shit about Canada.

[932] Then we got this tweet, and I was like...

[933] They don't want you getting the fucking places in Canada wrong.

[934] They want you doing it here.

[935] This is, we need errors from the island.

[936] From this island.

[937] And then I, so I look up this.

[938] And so what Emily and her theater group did was they linked a video of, there's a video series called StoryMaps where people tell stories.

[939] Is it all Europe or is it just Ireland?

[940] Just Dublin.

[941] Oh, just Dublin.

[942] Okay.

[943] You guys have enough here.

[944] Jesus.

[945] StoryMaps.

[946] Dot I. And it's really cool.

[947] There's just all these people telling local lore and local stories.

[948] Cool.

[949] Oh, good.

[950] Other people are hot too.

[951] Okay, that's great.

[952] Oh, good.

[953] Oh, yeah.

[954] I forgot I could do this.

[955] Oh, for fuck.

[956] Yeah, you can do that.

[957] In the story maps video, it's a lovely young man named Bobby Ahern who tells the story of Billy in the Bowl.

[958] Earn.

[959] Ahern.

[960] Okay.

[961] We have family friends named the Ahern's, and so I just fight every pronunciation.

[962] My grandma told me that I become the girl in the bar.

[963] Bobby Ahern And he is so charming He tells the story so well He's sitting in the Grange Inn He's got a cup of tea in front of him And he tells the story of Billy and the Bull Which is fucking nuts Also there's a blog called Silent Owl And they wrote up The story of it There's a lot of great information So I took from both of those So this man, Billy Davis He was born sometime in the mid -1700 So this is old, old race good right good and although not much is known about his early life it's safe to assume that he was a beautiful healthy baby boy because he the story about him and the kind of the overriding fact of the story of Billy and the Bull is that he was fucking hot he had a big mop of black hair and he had green eyes and he had like an aquil and nose and just gorgeous face and so he was was like, he was, he was dashing.

[964] He was a dashing hearty.

[965] That reminds me, I forgot to tell you guys, we saw Benicio del Toro in the airport.

[966] He was really exciting.

[967] Yeah.

[968] He looked so hungover.

[969] It made me sad for him.

[970] Sorry.

[971] No. If he's here tonight, apologies.

[972] What if he was flying over to come in a man?

[973] Suddenly we pretend to be fans of Benicio del Toro.

[974] I love everything you've done.

[975] Okay, so Billy Davis was a hot guy.

[976] Unfortunately, he was born with no legs.

[977] Oh.

[978] So, it wasn't supposed to be a joke.

[979] Ma 'am.

[980] Somebody is laughing insanely hard over there.

[981] So he ends up living in a place called the House of Industry, which is also known as the Dublin Poor House.

[982] And so basically It doesn't sound like what it means No I know They're trying to gild a lily on that one a little bit The first house of industry was built in 1703 Where today the St. James Hospital stands And so they know that They know that So it was maintained This I love this fact It was maintained by the taxes that people paid For their sedan chairs And their hackney carriages I don't know what either of those things are those things that you see in like period movies where four dudes carry a box with a rich lady inside on sticks yes that's a sedan chair oh god so it's like i want to be like fuck those women but i bet their shoes hurt so bad constantly and their and their corsets everything about and their oppression all of it made them fainting i'm like get on that box get in the box But those people that had carriages and sedan chairs had to pay an extra tax for them and the tax went to pay for the House of Industry.

[983] I like that.

[984] It was kind of, you know, it was a good setup.

[985] Let's bring those back.

[986] Except for, the House of Industry wasn't the best place in the world, as I'm sure you all know and can imagine.

[987] In 1805, a man named Sir John Carr wrote something called his tour of Ireland.

[988] He described the House of Industry as, quote, a gloomy abode of mingled want, disease, vice, and malady, where lunatics were loaded with heavy chains and fallen women bound and logs.

[989] Shit.

[990] Yeah.

[991] That's heavy.

[992] No sedan chairs inside of the house of industry.

[993] Also, you could, if you were a fallen woman, which, what, that meant you wore dress like this, that basically you're fucking in there with all the worst of the worst.

[994] bound and lobbed, which whatever that fucking means.

[995] I don't want to know.

[996] Okay, so also a political theorist named Alexis de Tocqueville described the conditions of the inmates that he saw during his investigative tour of Ireland in 1835 as the most hideous and disgusting aspect of destitution.

[997] Jesus.

[998] So it wasn't awesome there.

[999] They fed people, I think it said once or twice a day with a soup, that they made from collected scraps from the great houses.

[1000] So wherever the rich people lived, they'd go by and get the scraps of their shitty leftovers, and then put all that in a bowl and make a soup.

[1001] And they're like, dinner time, everybody.

[1002] On the one hand, I'm like, that's pretty cool, though.

[1003] At least it's not from, like, what the horses were eating.

[1004] Well, I mean, that's very positive of you.

[1005] But...

[1006] If they're noting it, it means it was bad.

[1007] Yeah, it means this soup sucked.

[1008] so in 773 this workhouse is reformed and it's split into a hospital for the mentally insane a workhouse for the poor and then a foundling hospital primarily used for the safety and education of the admitted children now they start talking about this foundling hospital and it later comes under investigation because of the abnormally high mortality rates it turns out four of the five children that are admitted to the foundling hospital die.

[1009] Four of the fucking five.

[1010] And the investigations, they find strong evidence.

[1011] That lady is so drunk.

[1012] It is she is at a totally different show.

[1013] I'm reading about infant mortality rates and she is peeing her fucking pants.

[1014] It's a bank holiday.

[1015] It's a fucking bank holiday.

[1016] What if it's a ghost?

[1017] Oh my God.

[1018] So, so the House of Commons stops allowing for new admissions to the family hospital in 1831.

[1019] It took them 107 years to be like, you know what, it has to stop.

[1020] Thousands of children have died.

[1021] Like, they're better off on the streets.

[1022] Just close the door.

[1023] But, well, let's wait one more year.

[1024] Okay, 107 years have passed.

[1025] We're going to stop.

[1026] So when it's reformed, this House of Industry in 1773, it turns out there's no place for Billy Davis because, And this is something good old Bobby Ehern read in the story map story, that in the Minutes book it said, quote, it is deemed resolved that the man in the bowl is not a proper person and is to be discharged from the House of Industry.

[1027] So they decide because he's handicapped, he is not a person.

[1028] And they fucking kick him out, which sucks.

[1029] So he's in the streets of Dublin.

[1030] it's the mid to late 1700s now and they say at the time 18th century Dublin was known for two things all the amazing architectural buildings and beggars that's what there's the most of everywhere I was gonna guess candy soda bread yeah I was hoping for it no you tried so but the good news is things aren't all bad because somewhere along the line a kindly blacksmith took pity upon Billy and built him this weird early version of a wheelchair which was basically a big huge iron bowl that he could sit in and he stuck some wheels on it and then Billy used two pieces of wood and pulled himself along in a bowl and that's how he became known as Billy in the bowl.

[1031] Holy shit!

[1032] So now picture this when I first read this story I didn't get that there were wheels on the bowl so I just thought he was fucking dragging an iron bowl like the worst crossfit workout of all time and you know all the cobblestone streets so it's just jarring his teeth it's just the loudest heaviest situation but he was hot but he was hot and that's we can always go back to that when things get hard is that up here everything was working out great for him.

[1033] Because among all of the beggars, he actually was, of course, gorgeous and he was really charming.

[1034] So he got a lot of pity and attention, and people would give him money.

[1035] He also made friends with a lot of the servant girls, and he, I think he stole from the House of Industry style.

[1036] So he would go back along the back of the great houses, and they would give him scraps from the house.

[1037] So he had ended up filling his bowl up.

[1038] Oh, no. As Bobby Eherne in the video says, like a big stew.

[1039] He sits in his bowl like a big stew.

[1040] Oh, my God.

[1041] Coins, little pieces of meat.

[1042] I don't know.

[1043] Okay.

[1044] And so basically this is, he is on the streets of Dublin for six years begging.

[1045] And, but he drinks and he gambles.

[1046] So as much as he makes and as well as he does, being a beggar, a hot beggar on the street, you know, the money goes.

[1047] Sure.

[1048] So, now I've lost my place.

[1049] So, he decides to embark on a life of crime.

[1050] So early one night in 1780, around dusk, Billy lays in wait until he sees a middle -aged woman coming up Grange -Gorman Lane on her way to Queen Street.

[1051] She's by herself, and he throws himself out of his bowl.

[1052] Aye, aye, aye.

[1053] Right?

[1054] Pieces of meat go everywhere.

[1055] Sorry, that's inappropriate.

[1056] And he lays in the bushes moaning and screaming, right?

[1057] So then the lady's like, oh, no, something happened to somebody.

[1058] And she goes over to see what's going on.

[1059] And now you have to imagine, because he's spent years and years and years, dragging himself around in a bowl, his upper body strength is fucking nuts out.

[1060] So he has like crazy, a crazy upper body.

[1061] Sorry.

[1062] I just got this like pole dark kind of idea in my head.

[1063] of like, how hot fucking pole dark, right, Louise?

[1064] You got to watch that show.

[1065] Like, it's insane looking.

[1066] But basically, she leans down, this lady leans down to be like, are you okay?

[1067] She's like old school Ted Bundy style.

[1068] Like, I'm her.

[1069] Exactly.

[1070] He's the rich Ted Bundy.

[1071] Because then she's like, are you okay, man in the ditch?

[1072] Yeah.

[1073] His huge power arms come out and just strangle her.

[1074] Oh, no. He chokes her out.

[1075] He takes her purse.

[1076] bowls away as we know fucking clomping on those fucking cobblestone Bobby Ahern says it was like he was going around in a canoe on the street Oh my God That's how he explained it Bobby's the best Bobby's the best And he had a real glimmer in his eyes He told this story So when the middle age lady wakes up She has no fucking clue What just happened She's just like I don't know who it did it I don't know what he looks like she has no clue.

[1077] Meanwhile, Billy and the Bull has the perfect cover because everybody of course writes him off, they don't know how insanely strong he is and Poldarky is underneath his shirt.

[1078] They just go, oh, it's the poor crippled man, so he has never even slightly considered.

[1079] He has nobody even takes notice.

[1080] And it's the perfect cover, so he then proceeds to do this crime constantly.

[1081] This is now his new jam.

[1082] So that's up until 1786.

[1083] Now, one night he's laying in wait, waiting for a woman to rob, but the one who comes along, as Bobby Ahern describes her, she's a hefty servant girl.

[1084] Oh, shit.

[1085] You better fucking watch out for us hefty servant girls.

[1086] Do not fuck with us.

[1087] So he goes to choke her out, and she's like, I don't think so.

[1088] man in the bull and love it she starts to fight him off and she's starting to get away he knows that if she gets away his whole scheme is going to be over so he strangles her to death and this is his first murder oh no yeah when her body's found the next day it's a huge story everybody goes nuts they call it the 11 Grange Gorman Lane murder and it's Ireland's first ever oh so Ireland had just assembled their first police force.

[1089] This is how long ago this was.

[1090] Okay.

[1091] Pre -police.

[1092] Damn.

[1093] The guarda.

[1094] The guarda.

[1095] Or the guardee.

[1096] You're changing it now that it's my story.

[1097] Now that she's done.

[1098] It's both.

[1099] They're just saying whatever they want, Louise.

[1100] You say no?

[1101] Not listening to you.

[1102] Baby death laugher.

[1103] This is all information that will not help us in Oslo.

[1104] But tomorrow night, everyone's going to think we're really smart here.

[1105] Oh, shit.

[1106] Thanks, you guys.

[1107] Tomorrow night, we're going to be like, no, you're pronouncing it wrong.

[1108] I mean, in all these articles, they called it the police force.

[1109] Yeah, I don't know what you guys are.

[1110] Anyhow.

[1111] So basically, the case goes cold.

[1112] Nobody suspects Billy in the Bull, of course.

[1113] He's the charming, beautiful, sure.

[1114] Begger, no one even looks at him.

[1115] So he decides to lay low for like six months, but of course, all of his bad habits get the best of him, he starts to run out of money.

[1116] So he goes, and he, so one night, he's on Richardson's lane, two women are walking along, it's dusk.

[1117] Some say, in some stories, they're servant girls, in some stories, they're, like, rich, well -to -do women.

[1118] But either way, it was women who were kind of dressed up for the night on the town, so they had a lot of jewelry on, and a lot of kind of overt richness.

[1119] So Billy does this thing where he throws himself out of the bowl, but he doesn't see that there's two women.

[1120] He just knows that someone's coming.

[1121] Does he hide his giant bowl on wheels?

[1122] You know what he does is he also carries around a big ficus plant, and so he'll just go ahead and pull that plant over.

[1123] It looks like this amazing, gorgeous planter on wheel.

[1124] I love it if it was like a Looney Tune style skyline of like the Warner Brothers studio.

[1125] He folds the bowl up real small and puts him in his pocket and then lays down in the bushes.

[1126] Oh my I can't account for the bowl.

[1127] Okay.

[1128] The man -sized bowl that he rolls around it.

[1129] He pulls it backwards, parks it.

[1130] Yeah.

[1131] Parks it facing out.

[1132] Yeah.

[1133] Gets out.

[1134] Gets into the bushes.

[1135] Yeah.

[1136] Some holes in this story.

[1137] This whole thing is fake, obviously.

[1138] But who cares?

[1139] So when the women come up, he's doing the thing where he's doing his cries for help.

[1140] The women approach.

[1141] Uh -oh.

[1142] Um, he sees, uh, that their money, their jewelry, their money, they open their purse to give him money.

[1143] Um, he can't control himself.

[1144] He grabs one woman.

[1145] No. He doesn't see that there's the other woman.

[1146] He just sees the, the one in front of him.

[1147] He starts to strangle her.

[1148] Uh -oh.

[1149] And then the woman behind her, um, pulls out her fucking hat pins.

[1150] Yes.

[1151] Yes.

[1152] Yes.

[1153] Yes.

[1154] Some memorable hat pins that are like this long.

[1155] Oh, shit.

[1156] And she jams it into his right eye.

[1157] We're glad.

[1158] We're happy, we're happy, but it's hard.

[1159] There's nothing that makes Irish people clap more than piercing an eye with a pin.

[1160] They love it.

[1161] Oh, man, that's, I'm just gonna, we need to start wearing hats again.

[1162] Yes, that's right.

[1163] I just don't understand how you put that on your head and don't then jam it into your own skull.

[1164] Right.

[1165] But it worked out great because they run up to hold on, I'll tell you.

[1166] Where do they go, Karen?

[1167] They run up to a street.

[1168] It's going to be somewhere fun, I bet.

[1169] I bet it's going to be somewhere.

[1170] Manor Street.

[1171] They run up to Manor Street.

[1172] Is that fun?

[1173] They run up to Manor Street, which is an amazing street.

[1174] You have to see it.

[1175] And there's a group of people there in that group of people.

[1176] There's a new Garda who's like, hey, I'm just learning how to do this.

[1177] let me help.

[1178] I'm not to get my baton out.

[1179] That's right.

[1180] Their old, old baton.

[1181] Run down, and they find Billy laying on the street with his eye out, and they finally realize that they had, this is who the strangler was.

[1182] So someone goes and grabs, I guess the bull must have been elsewhere, because they went and got a wheelbarrow and put him in.

[1183] And took him up to the Green Street prison.

[1184] What a bummer.

[1185] Yeah, the whole thing is horrifying.

[1186] So they could not prove that he was the strangler.

[1187] They didn't have the evidence to connect it to the other murders, but they had him for this one.

[1188] So he was convicted for robbery with violence, and he was sentenced to hard labor at the Green Street prison.

[1189] What's that some kind of a sex reference that I'm not getting?

[1190] No, because he doesn't have legs.

[1191] So we're wondering if he got his bowl.

[1192] It's so small -minded of you to think that you can only do labor with your legs.

[1193] What about this?

[1194] What about lifting things?

[1195] What about handing someone something over and over?

[1196] Here, I got it.

[1197] I will pass that salt for the rest of my life.

[1198] Karen, hard labor is passing salt.

[1199] If you make a really loud noise as you pass it, it counts as hard labor.

[1200] God, I'm sick of it.

[1201] so basically he's convicted and he has to stay there for the rest of his life there was a super creepy thing that they used to do I don't know when they stopped doing it the rich would go and visit prisons and mental institutions as like just as a night out so apparently he became like a sideshow at the prison because he has one eye now he's got the one I don't know if that eye came all the way The other one's beautiful.

[1202] It's so hot, gorgeous green.

[1203] With the black, what a great combination.

[1204] I didn't get it.

[1205] And they go watch him pass salt all the time.

[1206] It's disgusting.

[1207] And they say that on some dark nights in the Grange Gorman's Tony Butter District, you can hear a strange, straight noise coming up behind you.

[1208] They don't like it when I do the accent.

[1209] I can tell.

[1210] I like it a lot more.

[1211] you're not insulting me so I think it's great okay great they really do say there's a place called Hidden Dublin that gives ghost tours and it's on the walk it's the north side ghost walk tour that you can take and they say that the ghost of Billy and the Bull haunts the area where he did after party tonight what is it hold on we have to consult with Louise really quick what is it what is it Louise what's wrong I actually live in Stony Batters if you want to have an after party Great.

[1212] We're going to Louises after this.

[1213] It's after.

[1214] Balkany.

[1215] Louise is after.

[1216] Just don't wake up.

[1217] Her flatmate.

[1218] She has to work tomorrow.

[1219] He's in London.

[1220] Great.

[1221] A guy comes out in his underwear.

[1222] You guys, come on.

[1223] Not every day's a bank holiday.

[1224] And there's also Billy and the Bulls referenced in a Dubliner song and in a Pogue song.

[1225] So he's legend.

[1226] And that's the story of Billy and the Bull.

[1227] Yeah.

[1228] That was great.

[1229] Yeah.

[1230] Good job.

[1231] hometown murder let me just tell you really quick you might know these rules already but we had to enforce some rules with the hometowns you can't be so drunk that you can't follow your own story it's important you have to stay present you have to know where you're going we don't that's key but don't be afraid to be super buzzed please make it Dublin or close by nobody gives a shit if something happened in Arizona and what else Oh, everyone hates you.

[1232] Oh, yeah.

[1233] If you do get picked, all the people that don't get picked are going to hate your guts, so keep it moving.

[1234] And Georgia, I think it's you, right?

[1235] I'm on a fucking rule, so don't ruin this for me, guys.

[1236] Who has a hometown?

[1237] Nobody?

[1238] I think that the girl sitting next to our friends that helped us.

[1239] Yeah, yeah, and the toxic masculinity.

[1240] Where'd Vince go?

[1241] Vince is right there.

[1242] Walk over to him.

[1243] Oh, there's Vince, everybody.

[1244] Got us a lovely charcutory and cheese spread backstage.

[1245] Vince is our tour manager.

[1246] He's Georgia's husband.

[1247] He does it all.

[1248] He does it.

[1249] Which means we don't have to pay him.

[1250] No, we pay him sometimes.

[1251] That's hard labor.

[1252] He's doing his hard labor for free.

[1253] His hard start labor.

[1254] What?

[1255] His hard start labor.

[1256] Oh, right.

[1257] That's so good.

[1258] What's your name?

[1259] Ithel.

[1260] Etha.

[1261] Ifa.

[1262] Ifa.

[1263] That's cute.

[1264] Here, center up.

[1265] Center up.

[1266] Let me interrupt.

[1267] Look at her shoes.

[1268] Let's do a nice stage picture.

[1269] Those are great.

[1270] Will you tell me your name, sorry?

[1271] Ifa.

[1272] I'm from Carrie.

[1273] You're from Carrie?

[1274] Yeah.

[1275] She's from Carrie.

[1276] You guys know it.

[1277] Did she say it, right?

[1278] I'm sorry, it's Kerry.

[1279] Ah, Jesus.

[1280] Okay, what's your hometown?

[1281] So my mom is from Westmeath, and she's from this tiny village.

[1282] Like, there's not even as many people.

[1283] as there is here.

[1284] Oh, fun.

[1285] It's called cool.

[1286] Cool.

[1287] Too easy.

[1288] Sorry, sorry.

[1289] So a family from Dublin moved out there years ago and the father worked in England.

[1290] So he'd be back and forth and then they just stopped seeing him.

[1291] Oh.

[1292] And then they moved away and they hadn't really got involved with the community so it was fine.

[1293] Nobody cared.

[1294] But then, Then they went, the daughter went to the guardee.

[1295] Multiple guarda.

[1296] Got it.

[1297] Message received.

[1298] And told them that they had killed him a few years back and buried him in their garden.

[1299] Guardi.

[1300] Guardin.

[1301] Got it.

[1302] Garden.

[1303] And then they dug him up and burned him somewhere else.

[1304] The family did?

[1305] Yeah.

[1306] What did?

[1307] Okay.

[1308] And then she decided to go to the Gardee because she found out her mother was having an affair with her boyfriend.

[1309] Okay, wait.

[1310] Who's related?

[1311] First of all, let's start on the top.

[1312] No. Wait, so when they killed the father, was it the mother's idea?

[1313] Yes.

[1314] And she...

[1315] The mother and the boyfriend.

[1316] They tricked the kids.

[1317] They tricked the daughter.

[1318] The daughter.

[1319] Killing him?

[1320] No, it's nice.

[1321] She doesn't look, man. She said, she yelled it's my cousin, and then I was like, oh, shit.

[1322] And then I saw her face, and she doesn't look angry, so we're good.

[1323] It's going to be okay.

[1324] This is the great fear that we all said.

[1325] You were really fucked up over this.

[1326] PTSD.

[1327] Yeah, Iifa.

[1328] Right?

[1329] What is it?

[1330] EFA.

[1331] Okay.

[1332] They're sharing.

[1333] Do it in the microphones.

[1334] Okay.

[1335] So your cousin.

[1336] Who's your cousin?

[1337] Don't talk privately on stage, please.

[1338] We were going to email in about our auntie.

[1339] But we decided not to.

[1340] But then, it's not an auntie that we talked to.

[1341] And we know she has a book.

[1342] A book?

[1343] She wrote a book about it.

[1344] You don't get to do that if you're the murderer.

[1345] Wait, so will you run it down for us just really quick of like, we see we don't.

[1346] You don't talk about it?

[1347] No, do you see?

[1348] Everyone in cool.

[1349] The parents, you ask the parents and they're like, oh, we don't talk about that.

[1350] Oh, they won't tell you anything?

[1351] We can't.

[1352] But it's a book.

[1353] Just tell us.

[1354] We won't to tell anyone, right?

[1355] You would, we're keeping it here.

[1356] You said there was a bonfire.

[1357] There was also a under patio.

[1358] Yeah.

[1359] And then they decided that wasn't good enough.

[1360] So they brought it up.

[1361] And went to the pigs.

[1362] Oh shit.

[1363] Don't dissociate with that.

[1364] No, it's like, okay.

[1365] Eva just goes, I didn't get to the pig's park.

[1366] I forgot, yeah.

[1367] My mom didn't know the pigs' park.

[1368] Oh, she didn't know.

[1369] I'm so glad to you.

[1370] You guys, this all stays in this room tonight.

[1371] Please, please, don't tell anyone.

[1372] If it's left in the pig, that's how they found out.

[1373] That's how they proved that.

[1374] Yeah, but it was the mother, who's the daughter's husband.

[1375] And so the daughter went to the Gardee.

[1376] To the Gardee.

[1377] Multiple.

[1378] And she said, hey, does something shitty on us?

[1379] Good for her.

[1380] A woman scorn, man. Oh, yeah.

[1381] Watch it.

[1382] So she brought out a book.

[1383] I know.

[1384] Said, hey, fuck you.

[1385] Oh, my God.

[1386] It was like a diary.

[1387] I can remember.

[1388] Our family walked out of us.

[1389] And so she's in jail now.

[1390] She's in jail now.

[1391] She's out.

[1392] And she's like, I'm right here.

[1393] The wife was done for murder.

[1394] The daughter's husband was done for manslaughter.

[1395] I will find out the name of the book.

[1396] Okay.

[1397] Okay, great.

[1398] And I will come up.

[1399] I'm not going to read it.

[1400] I love it.

[1401] I love it.

[1402] You guys, this is an amazing seven -part series right now that we have.

[1403] Jesus Christ.

[1404] Thank you.

[1405] in a fucking cluster fuck and it wasn't and I'm so grateful for that I'm sweating a little extra I love that they came up and they had less information than If I did fuck yes that's what it's all about it would have been cool if we'd get like 30 people on this day just milling around of like well I've heard this story I would like to say this and that you forgot the part of the pig the chickens you forgot the chickens oh fuck that was Dublin Yeah.

[1406] This has been amazing.

[1407] So good.

[1408] Thank you so much.

[1409] This is a really, really awesome way to kick off our tour, our big Europe tour, our big UK and Ireland tour.

[1410] And Dublin, you guys not only are our kickoff show, you sold out two nights.

[1411] Yeah, yeah.

[1412] That's so amazing.

[1413] Thank you.

[1414] We can't, it's very difficult for us to convey how insane this is, where we just started taping our personal conversations at Georgia's house two years ago and now we're in Ireland talking to a thousand people or I mean it's fucking amazing or honored and we know it's all because of you guys obviously and we appreciate it so much and we're so grateful we have the best time and it's because you guys are you're the best listeners and the best people to talk to about this crazy fucked up shit that we're also fascinated by yeah so thank you so much and stay sexy and dad