Three Days From Retirement

[0] Conan O 'Brien needs a fan.

[1] Want to talk to Conan?

[2] Visit team cocoa .com slash call Conan.

[3] Okay, let's get started.

[4] Hey, Hey, knock it off.

[5] Hey, damn it!

[6] Meet Conan and Sona.

[7] She hit me just before you came up.

[8] It's not fair.

[9] I saw it.

[10] Well, I saw it.

[11] Hello there, Bill.

[12] How are you?

[13] I'm great.

[14] Bill, I'm Conan.

[15] This is Sona.

[16] That's, it's David, right?

[17] David, yeah.

[18] David's also, I think you're coming from Illinois, aren't you?

[19] I am.

[20] Yeah, okay, which part of Illinois are you from?

[21] Winter Parver, which is the northeast corner of the state.

[22] We boarded Wisconsin and Lake Michigan.

[23] Okay, because David, I think you're from the very, very farthest part south.

[24] I'm from Carlinville, closer to Springfield.

[25] Yeah.

[26] Oh, I know where that's it.

[27] Yeah, yeah, no one really goes there.

[28] Oh, no. Well, no, they really, it's fair.

[29] That's true, right?

[30] I wasn't putting you down.

[31] Yeah, no, you weren't.

[32] Yeah, it's the only Dairy Queen franchise that.

[33] that's failed in the United States.

[34] No, it's still open, it's still going.

[35] But no one goes.

[36] Every now and then, an ear of corn rolls in.

[37] I think it's a customer.

[38] Oh, come on.

[39] Anyway, Bill, back to you.

[40] You're the focus here, not my assistant who comes from a cornfield.

[41] Bill, tell us a little bit about yourself.

[42] What do you do for a living?

[43] I'm a police officer.

[44] Oh, wow, you're a police officer.

[45] Very, very good.

[46] And what unit are you in?

[47] Tell us a little bit about your job as a police officer.

[48] Well, the town I live in is the town I live in town that I work for.

[49] It's a small town.

[50] So it's like four square miles.

[51] We've got about 6 ,000 people.

[52] Okay.

[53] So small town, I grew up here.

[54] So I I was assigned to a canine officer for a number of years.

[55] Oh, I just retired.

[56] A canine officer?

[57] Yeah.

[58] Wow.

[59] Yeah.

[60] Whenever, I always love seeing a working dog and I love seeing, you know, police dogs.

[61] I just love the idea that, because I think, correct me if I'm wrong, but I I think dogs know when they're working.

[62] They know that they have a job to do.

[63] Matter of fact, I was just talking to one of the other guys about it.

[64] I had to stop wearing my uniform home because he would see me leaving in my uniform and just try to bust out the door with me. I'm like, you know, so I just decided to start changing at work.

[65] So your dog retired?

[66] He is retired, yeah.

[67] What's he doing now?

[68] Is he like building model ships?

[69] Has he tried golf?

[70] He's watching a lot of the history.

[71] channel i believe oh yeah yeah hey just do me a favor check the liquor when you come home because it's when they it's when they start day drinking that you got to worry um well what kind of dog uh is your dog that just retired what's his name and what kind of dog is he his name is hondo he's a purebred german shepherd oh cool they're supposed to be very smart dogs he's he's pretty smart oh i said very smart and you said pretty smart okay yeah he's he's hearing all this right now on getting depressed.

[72] Yeah, can we see him?

[73] Can he come up and yeah?

[74] I want to see his face.

[75] I love to see it.

[76] I love dogs.

[77] Don't you want to see this guy?

[78] He can't hear us because he's just.

[79] Hondo, help, help.

[80] I'm being robbed.

[81] Hondo.

[82] I'm gonna try and create a crime so that.

[83] But what is he gonna do through the.

[84] Oh, there is.

[85] Oh, Hondo.

[86] Oh, what a gorgeous guy.

[87] Hi, Hondo.

[88] Yeah.

[89] You've earned your retirement.

[90] She did.

[91] He has earned.

[92] It's definitely.

[93] That's so funny.

[94] I wonder if Honda went through some of the same tropes that people go through in movies like, well, I'm three days from retirement.

[95] Oh, no, that squirrel has a gun.

[96] Blam, blam.

[97] I'm glad he's okay.

[98] I'm glad he's most in movies whenever a policeman says, well, three days from retirement, you know that's when the shit hits the fan.

[99] That success, yeah.

[100] That was in a, what was that, Robert DeVall movie, yeah.

[101] It's in every movie.

[102] It's in every police movie ever made.

[103] So let me ask you a question.

[104] if I can, Bill, how do you, do you get to pick any dog or do they try to pair you with the right dog?

[105] I'm curious how it works.

[106] Yeah, so your first day at class, they've already got the dog set and there's usually four or five officers in the class, right?

[107] They've, the kennel, the people that own the kennel have already done all the research on you.

[108] They've done your background.

[109] They've talked to your police chief, your friends, your neighbors, your family, all without your knowledge.

[110] Oh.

[111] And they find out what kind of person you are.

[112] And that's how they pair up the dogs with you.

[113] Oh, that's interesting.

[114] And sometimes, sometimes it'll even change, you know, midday or mid the the first week.

[115] They might see something that, oh, this dog's not working with Bill.

[116] So we'll put them with Conan and Conan's dog's going to go, you know, Sona and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

[117] This makes me, I'm very curious about this.

[118] So how does, how did they match Hondo with you?

[119] What qualities did they see in you that they saw in Hondo?

[120] Well, fortunately, this is my third.

[121] dog so and I got them later in my career so I was uh at this point on a nice even keel and and I had matured and so I got I got the mature dog I got the dog that was strong but confident and calm yes oh I see so that earlier in your career you might have had a dog that was maybe a little bit more of a hot shot a hot head I did I had I had the top gun dog yeah he was he was crazy I love him the death but yeah I think if I was a canine officer they'd pair me with a dog with very low testosterone and it was prone to depression.

[122] A chihuahua.

[123] You'd be the first chihuahua police.

[124] Yeah, it would be a very depressed chihuahua.

[125] Isn't that what Irish setters are?

[126] Yeah.

[127] I think that's very cool.

[128] So, Hondo now is probably struggling a little bit with being retired.

[129] He is.

[130] Like I said, the first, This happened on Memorial Day this year.

[131] And so the first couple of weeks was pretty tough.

[132] I was wearing my uniform home.

[133] And, you know, in the morning, I'd change and I'd go out to work.

[134] And he would just try to bust out the door here with me. And I'd be like, no, you know, you've got to stay in the house.

[135] And I stopped wearing my uniform home.

[136] And that helped out tremendously because he knew when it was time to go to work.

[137] Because I'd throw my uniform on.

[138] Hey, why did Hondo have to retire?

[139] I mean, what are the signs that it's time for your dog to retire?

[140] So early on in his career, he got hit by a car for an accident that we had.

[141] And he broke his hip.

[142] And he recovered fully from it, but the arthritis is starting to kick in now.

[143] So he was getting a little, yeah.

[144] He doesn't like to put his, you know, get up on stuff as much as he used to.

[145] I get it.

[146] I get it.

[147] My dad is 94 and I hit him with a car about a week ago.

[148] First time I missed him, but then I swung around and I got him a second time.

[149] Throw it in reverse?

[150] Yeah, I got him.

[151] Anyway, they say he's going to mend up real good.

[152] So you're saying that's the same thing.

[153] Kind of.

[154] Okay.

[155] I think so.

[156] Yeah.

[157] So, well, that sounds like you got your hands full with that.

[158] That's your full -time job is being a police officer in the canine unit.

[159] Well, no more of the canine unit.

[160] Now I'm just, I run the training division and scheduling, and I still go on patrol and answer calls every now and that.

[161] Do you ever see dogs that are just hanging out and they look like they're up to no good?

[162] And you go over and talk to them and say, you know, you could make something of your life.

[163] Is that something that would work?

[164] The dog's like smoking weed and stuff in the corner.

[165] This dog is smoking weed.

[166] Oddly enough, I don't know why dispatch does this, but every time we have a dog calling, a loose dog or a dog that just bit somebody, they send me. I'm like, I handle the dog guy.

[167] I handled a dog that was trained to do, you know, ungodly things, and I don't deal with dogs that don't listen.

[168] Yeah, but I mean, the thing is, you can't give up on a dog.

[169] Any dog can become a police dog.

[170] Don't you believe that?

[171] I do believe that, I mean, I've seen everything from Chihuahuas, pit bulls, Rottweilers, German Shepherds, everything, even a poodle, you know, do some sort of police work.

[172] Yeah.

[173] You know, whether it be finding drugs or finding electronics, you know, stuff like that.

[174] I think poodles mostly work in the lab.

[175] They're like, they're looking in a microscope.

[176] I have a poodle.

[177] I think she'd be a good police dog.

[178] I know your poodle.

[179] No, your dog would not.

[180] Her dog wears a slash hat, the same hat that's sloth.

[181] Flash wears.

[182] She thinks that's funny.

[183] No, no, your dog cannot see a police dog.

[184] She's a little scared of flies, but I think she could really do something.

[185] Oh, sure.

[186] Yeah.

[187] Scared of a fly and then tackle a robber.

[188] I don't think so.

[189] You have another job.

[190] Do you not, sir?

[191] I do.

[192] I do.

[193] It is not a late night talk show host.

[194] I do work for a funeral hall.

[195] Well, there's probably some similarities.

[196] Because trust me, both involved trying to work with stiffs.

[197] You try talking to some of these kids that had a show on the WB.

[198] It doesn't go anywhere.

[199] Sorry, that's a little, I have a little post -traumatic stress syndrome from the mid -90s.

[200] Yeah, you know, hey, so tell me about Dawson's Creek.

[201] It's not easy sledding.

[202] I'm not mentioning specific names, but anyway, so you do body retrieval?

[203] Yeah, so, well, removal.

[204] So, you know, when somebody dies in the hospital or dies at home, it's not always at, you know, lunchtime.

[205] Sometimes it's midnight, 2 o 'clock in the morning, 3 o 'clock in morning, and I'm one of the people that they call to facilitate that removal.

[206] Wow.

[207] Now, I imagine if it's at the hospital, it's a lot easier because you can just wheel them out, right?

[208] Yeah, I mean, the beds move up and down.

[209] Unless they died in, like, the hospital cafeteria.

[210] But that would be rarely rare, I would think.

[211] That would be a rare one, yeah.

[212] Unless the food in the cafeteria is really that bad.

[213] that.

[214] Listen, I should just let this whole line of questioning go.

[215] What I want to know is you must see some pretty crazy things.

[216] Like, you know, someone died and they were on one of those mechanical bucking broncos or something.

[217] You have to try and figure out a way to get them off.

[218] Do you ever see something like that?

[219] Is the bucking Broncos still going?

[220] Yeah, it's still going, but it's going very slowly.

[221] Oh, okay, okay.

[222] Yeah.

[223] Okay.

[224] I think I would at that point just let them go until the ride's over.

[225] I, that's a, you know what?

[226] That's a humane way to look at it.

[227] Any strange situations?

[228] Have you learned anything?

[229] What's the etiquette of retrieving a body?

[230] So etiquette is delicate.

[231] I'm like I said, I work in the same area that I'm a police officer and so and grew up and so everybody, not everybody, but a lot of people know me. And so I mean, I walk into somebody's house at midnight and their grandma passed and they see me like, oh, hey, it's Bill.

[232] So everything's usually quiet and very calming hugs and, you know.

[233] That's nice.

[234] Stuff like that.

[235] That's nice that they know you.

[236] That's nice that.

[237] And also, you seem like a sensitive person.

[238] You're not going to go in there and go, you know, man, they let themselves go.

[239] You know what I mean?

[240] I'm shocked that sweater didn't kill her years ago.

[241] She wore that, you know, that kind of thing.

[242] It seems like there would be a lot of opportunity for some of that to have jokes.

[243] But, yeah, you just kind of, you know, tilt your hat down and go in her and just be peaceful.

[244] That's very nice of you.

[245] Bill, better you than I, because I think I'd probably end up.

[246] saying stuff, you know?

[247] Oh, yeah.

[248] You know what I mean?

[249] Well, you know, I think I'm a sensitive person, but occasionally it would slip out.

[250] Like, man, you know, be nice if this guy dieted before you, you know what I mean?

[251] You would have to drink wine before you pick up everybody because you're the nicest person after you have wine.

[252] That's true.

[253] I am very nice.

[254] I'm super sweet.

[255] I'd come in all sloshed.

[256] Oh, I'm so sad.

[257] Oh, so what a wonderful home.

[258] look so peaceful.

[259] Listen, it's a very serious thing that you do.

[260] I mean, I'm thinking about you right now, Bill, because I'm talking to you.

[261] That's one of the reasons I'm thinking about you.

[262] But second, I'm thinking about you because I'm thinking about your service.

[263] You've worked all these years helping your community in this canine unit.

[264] And then you're doing this job that probably not a lot of people want to do.

[265] And you're doing it with a lot of respect.

[266] My hat's off to you.

[267] Well, thank you, sir.

[268] I appreciate that.

[269] Well, thank you for calling me, sir.

[270] You're the first person to do that in a while.

[271] I don't get a lot of respect around here, Bill.

[272] No idea why.

[273] He should.

[274] No, he shouldn't.

[275] He's good.

[276] Hey, is it too late?

[277] I have a golden retriever named Loki, and he's six years old, and I think he's ADD.

[278] I think he's ADD.

[279] He's pretty crazy.

[280] And I mean, Loki is insane.

[281] He's insane, and he howls like a coyote for no reason.

[282] Like, I'll just come in in the morning, he goes, Oh, and, and, um, He's, he has ADD, follows me all over the house.

[283] He's constantly getting into trouble.

[284] Is there any chance that he could become a police dog at six?

[285] You know, I don't know if he could become a police dog, but he could become a well -trained dog.

[286] And six is not a problem.

[287] Really?

[288] You think you could make a real dog out of Loki?

[289] No. You've met Loki.

[290] I've met Loki.

[291] Loki, I don't, I think he might be untrainable.

[292] Something's off with Loki.

[293] And we've tried.

[294] He's very smart, but he just doesn't, I don't know.

[295] He's, I think if you took an MRI of his head, there'd be, you know, two walnuts in there, some chewing gum and a butterfly floating around.

[296] I think he's got a screw loose.

[297] He's nuts.

[298] No dog is beyond repair.

[299] They can all, they can all get some help.

[300] But the thing is, it's got to be consistent.

[301] I mean, you can't, like, I'll see civilians take their dogs to the kennel where we trained at, and they think everything's great.

[302] They get their dog from their two -week puppy class, and they come home, and they don't train their dog at all.

[303] And then the dog falls off.

[304] That's the problem is we got some Loki some training early on.

[305] I do think Loki has issues, like real brain.

[306] I think he's crazy.

[307] Oh, no, I mean, but I love him, but he's quite an unusual dog.

[308] Very strange.

[309] But yeah, I don't think there's a lot of consistency.

[310] You know, we say things like, no, no, you have to sit while we're eating dinner.

[311] But then sometimes we sit him up at the table with us.

[312] And we let him carve the turkey, and it's just a mess.

[313] And I think he's so he doesn't understand, you know.

[314] And then we get mad the next time we come in and he's carving a turkey.

[315] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[316] You know, you're reinforcing that behavior.

[317] That's on you.

[318] Yeah, that's probably on me. Yeah, exercise and training.

[319] Is that for me or for the dog?

[320] Oh, for both, yeah.

[321] Bill, I very much would love for you to turn my dog into a police dog at six, a six -year -old, insane golden retriever with ADD.

[322] It's probably not going to happen, but I still think there's time for him.

[323] I'd love to see him become a police dog.

[324] I really would, because do they get paid?

[325] They don't get paid.

[326] Oh, forget it, no. But they do get their food paid for it.

[327] Okay.

[328] Oh, they get their food?

[329] Okay, well, that's something.

[330] I was going to try and skim some of his salary.

[331] Oh, you're just going to exploit Loki I would love to embezzle from my dog I think that's such a funny crime If my dog was a police dog And he got a paycheck And I embezzled from it Yeah I would people would hate me Yeah That's the lowest of the low Well and then he goes to buy a house And then he doesn't have any money And he's like And the judge is like I can't understand you Case dismissed And I'm like yeah Judge I don't know what his problem is Well back to my seven homes real loki yeah yeah he's just using him i am using him uh well bill you seem like a very cool guy and i do i all joking aside your community is lucky to have you you're you're doing you're doing good work and you seem like a really nice uh person and i know if i was in trouble wouldn't you feel good if you were in some bad situation and then uh bill showed up at your door Yeah.

[332] And he had, you know, Honda with him.

[333] I just feel like, oh, this is, it's not going to be okay.

[334] Or if you die and you need your body to be removed.

[335] Yes.

[336] Yeah, I would want Bill to do that, too.

[337] No, I'm going to have Bill take care of you when your time comes.

[338] Oh, okay.

[339] You too.

[340] And I hope it's embarrassing when you die.

[341] Like, I hope you're on the toilet.

[342] Hey, what if I'm on the toilet in a Halloween costume?

[343] And Bill, it's not Halloween.

[344] Would you spread the word or would you?

[345] Would you keep it under your hat?

[346] I have the utmost respect for you, Conan.

[347] I would take it to migrate.

[348] Good.

[349] Okay, because when my time comes, you're going to, they're going to, Sona's going to be in charge.

[350] She's going to send for you.

[351] Yeah.

[352] And I'm going to be on the toilet wearing a very strange costume.

[353] Uh -huh.

[354] And you're going to have to take care of it, and I don't want it getting out, okay?

[355] You've got it.

[356] Okay.

[357] Well, I'm going to tell everybody.

[358] Yeah, I was going to say, we're going to spread the word.

[359] And it's not going to be one costume.

[360] It's going to be like, I'm part Ghostbuster, but also part werewolf.

[361] But it's not.

[362] Halloween but it's not Halloween okay yeah it's like late February hey Bill it was very cool talking to you very cool talking to you yeah be safe take care and uh and take good care of hondo I will all right bye hondo say bye buddy he's just laying there staring at us you know what that's that's the appropriate response hondo hondo just retired from the force he's like I don't need this shit right now All right, take care, Bill.

[363] Bye -bye.

[364] See you guys.

[365] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[366] With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gourley.

[367] Produced by me, Matt Gourley.

[368] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Nick Leowell and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf.

[369] Theme song by The White Stripes.

[370] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[371] Take it away, Jimmy.

[372] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[373] Engineering by Eduardo Perez.

[374] Additional production support by Mars Melnick.

[375] Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn.

[376] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode.

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[381] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.