“I’m Not Trying to Be A Jerk!”

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[24] Welcome to the Calm Parenting podcast.

[25] This is Kirk Martin.

[26] Founder Celebrate Calm.

[27] You can find this at CelebrateCalm .com.

[28] So three things that will help your relationships.

[29] Again, do not tune out if you're single, if you're divorced, whatever, because it's all, we can use this in every relationship, and at some point you're going to be back in a relationship again.

[30] So let's just jump into this.

[31] If you haven't listened to the previous podcast to this, I had a lot of set up in there because we're talking about relationships, marriage, Valentine's Day, all that stuff.

[32] so listen to that one first because it's very foundational and this one's going to be a little bit more hard hitting right to the point so I want you to do this with your spouse I encourage you to do with this with your spouse and it's this ask your spouse honestly what is one thing that I could be doing differently what is one thing that would mean a lot to you that I could be again doing differently or not doing listen, don't fight it, don't object to it, don't point holes in it.

[33] You can ask for clarification and say, I'm curious, tell me more because I don't understand the context of that, but what is it that I've been doing?

[34] And great language that you can use with this, and especially all of us, but wives sometimes is, honey, I don't think you realize that you're doing this or you can say, I don't think your intention is bad or to hurt me, but when you talk to me like that, it makes me feel like a four -year -old.

[35] When you have to prove your point, when I tell you things, it makes me feel like you're condescending toward me and that we're not equal partners, right?

[36] So you can say that and use that language so you're not, well, stop being a jerk to me because you, right?

[37] And one of the things you'll learn as you go through the Calm Couples Marriage Program as we go through how to handle conflict.

[38] And one of the things in there, one of the steps is learning how you state facts, you don't state your conclusions.

[39] Well, it's clear that you don't care about me anymore.

[40] Well, it may be that he doesn't care about you anymore.

[41] Could be true, or it could be that that's the way you're interpreting his actions because he doesn't express himself the right way, right?

[42] So just watch how you communicate, and that's probably the biggest problem that you're having is that's simple communication.

[43] So ask, what's one thing that I could be doing differently that would really help you?

[44] And then here's my advice.

[45] Sorry if this offends you.

[46] Just freaking do it.

[47] Just do it.

[48] I know, but I've done so many things.

[49] Just do one more time.

[50] It's not going to kill you.

[51] It's not going to be the end of your life, okay?

[52] Just do it again.

[53] Just do it.

[54] Now, if you're in that kind of situation where you've been trying and trying and trying and you've done it, done it, done it, and your spouse just isn't responding and they're taking advantage of you, well, that's a whole separate issue.

[55] We could do a podcast on that and we answer that in the Calm Couples program.

[56] So go through that there.

[57] But for those of you who haven't really been working on it, if your spouse asks you to do something and it's reasonable, Just do it.

[58] Because I guarantee you, back when you were dating, you would have done anything for your spouse, anything.

[59] And you did.

[60] You missed work.

[61] You stayed up late at night.

[62] You didn't get sleep.

[63] You talked all the time.

[64] You got her flowers.

[65] You got her candy.

[66] You did little thoughtful things for him.

[67] You sent each other nice little notes and little exos and exos and all kinds of sweet things.

[68] And you stopped doing it.

[69] And people are always like, well, I don't have feelings anymore.

[70] Sometimes it's because you haven't invested lately.

[71] You haven't actually done it.

[72] So one of the things that we do live workshops and the program we go through is do one small thing for your spouse.

[73] Because it's the small things to add up and you can do the small things.

[74] Right?

[75] So one of my small, small things I used to do for my wife back in the day because I know she noticed it was.

[76] you know on your dryer they have the little lint trap thingy for some reason she just didn't like cleaning that out and i think it's because she was busy busy busy and she didn't want to take time whatever it was i don't know sensory thing who knows so i started doing that every time i walk by laundry room i go in open a little thing up take the little lint throw it in the trash right simple small things and the early days i would wait until she went by the laundry room and i'd be like yeah i did that for you you know because that's kind of the guy i was and so because I want her to notice that I actually did something thoughtful.

[77] But when you start investing, it does something.

[78] I always joke with guys.

[79] Not really a joke.

[80] Tom, like, hey, in the morning, when you run out to work, leave a little Hershey kiss on your wife's car.

[81] Do the purple one at Star Chocolate in good form, right?

[82] And your wife comes out, she sees, huh, someone left a Hershey kiss.

[83] Someone left me chocolate on my car.

[84] I wonder if it was that neighbor guy.

[85] Just kidding.

[86] but she's going to hopefully not that but she's going to see it again do it in the winter so it doesn't melt yada yada yada but you know who else is going to see that your kids are going to see that my dad left my mom a little hershey kiss on the car he left her a card on the windshield you don't think that's going to change some things in your home and you know what happens it's an investment i'm not asking for a lot here not asking for you to be like super Superman or superwoman and be like the perfect husband or wife.

[87] It's unrealistic.

[88] So I don't like those movies and all those stupid Nicholas Sparks books.

[89] It's like the perfect man who does everything right.

[90] And he can chop down a tree with his own hands.

[91] And then with that tree, he builds a house and a guitar and takes her out on the lake during a rainstorm and sings a song that he wrote for.

[92] Like those men don't exist.

[93] That's called fiction.

[94] Okay.

[95] So, sorry about that.

[96] So deal with who you are.

[97] Make the small investment.

[98] You know why?

[99] Because when I put a little bit of time into going and getting a card and writing a short little note, or if you're cheap like me, boycott hallmark, why should pay $5 for a piece of paper?

[100] Your wife would love it and your husband.

[101] If just take a scratch piece of paper and write a little note on it, tiny little note.

[102] Look, for some of you, you don't even have to write a note.

[103] You can just take the little piece of paper and put it on the windshield with a little X, Right?

[104] Maybe your initials.

[105] That would still be something.

[106] And what happens is when you're doing that Hershey Kiss, when you're doing that small thing, you're spending time and you're investing something and then you're doing it.

[107] And after a while, the feelings start to come back as you do that.

[108] So ask one small thing.

[109] Two, it's going to be a weird one in a way.

[110] I want you to have mercy and some compassion on your spouse.

[111] Now, I get it.

[112] They don't deserve it.

[113] And by the way, neither do you, and none of us do.

[114] It's why it's called grace and mercy and compassion.

[115] You don't earn it, right?

[116] And for those of you who are religious people, this should mean even more to you, okay?

[117] So it's not about them earning it or whether they deserve it, and some of them don't deserve it.

[118] Some of you are with people who are fairly horrible people at times, because I hear from you, and I read the emails, and it shocks me at times.

[119] So have compassion on them.

[120] You know why?

[121] Because you married a broken person.

[122] And you know what your spouse did?

[123] They married a broken person too.

[124] You're both broken people.

[125] You're flawed.

[126] You're ignorant.

[127] And I don't mean that in a bad way.

[128] You're immature and so am I. Let me make it personal.

[129] I am flawed.

[130] I'm short -sighted.

[131] I make bad decisions at times.

[132] I have insecurities.

[133] I have all kinds of issues from when I was a child.

[134] Not hiding behind it.

[135] It's not an excuse.

[136] It's just the truth.

[137] I have deficits in areas I don't even know about yet, but I'll find them eventually.

[138] I'm a flawed, broken person who married a flawed, broken person.

[139] And I'd ask you, especially if whatever stage you're in in your marriage look at that person sometime and just realize they're broken and they may not know what they're doing is so hurtful to you that's usually the case when we went to marriage therapy marriage therapy is a brutal thing and i mentioned the previous podcast most of your husbands aren't going to go do it and that's partly why we created the program the calm couples thing because you can do it from home and uh you You just get a little workbook that you can work through, and so you can do it on separate timetables.

[140] I know the reality is most of the women who are listening, you're going to get the program and you're going to go through it and your spouse, your husband's not going to go through it in the same amount of time.

[141] Largely, that's true.

[142] Not always, but for the most part, that's true.

[143] Good.

[144] So go through it and change yourself.

[145] Don't worry about your spouse changing.

[146] You change yourself because reality is if you get divorced, you're going to end up in a relationship again, and instead of messing it up again, you can do it the right way and break those patterns, right?

[147] So, and by the way, it's $99.

[148] It's $99 .00.

[149] I mean, come on, therapy appointments at least $125 or $150 if they're decent, and you're going to go to a ton of them.

[150] And divorce caused you $10 ,000 illegal fees plus half your 401K.

[151] It's $99.

[152] Get it for yourself for Valentine's Day.

[153] If you married a cheap skate who won't do it, just get it for yourself.

[154] Well, I need to ask them about everything.

[155] I get that, but that's a little, I'm not sure about that.

[156] So you're a grown, woman, you can kind of make decisions and be assertive about things and say, yeah, you know why?

[157] Because you're, look, I do this a lot.

[158] When I do live conferences, I talk to men about, like, don't hold money over your wife.

[159] Now, this doesn't happen as much anymore because there's a lot of two -income households and sometimes the wife makes more than a husband.

[160] But in some cases, you've got a husband who goes to work, wife stays home, takes care of the kids.

[161] Guess what?

[162] There's an imbalance there.

[163] And sometimes we as husbands, me included, have used that.

[164] subtle ways against our wives.

[165] Why?

[166] Because we took them out of the job market.

[167] They're staying home.

[168] We make the money so we think, well, I can just buy whatever I want.

[169] Whenever my wife wanted to buy something for the house, she kind of had to justify it.

[170] That's not right either.

[171] So I'll just tell you to be assertive women, and if this is important to you, just go get the program and start working through it.

[172] And you'll find that after a while you'll have a lot of self -respect and you'll be strong and you'll be confident.

[173] Sometimes that really changes things because your husband will take you seriously because you're now respecting yourself anyway so so we go to marriage therapy it's brutal it's really hard and so my wife brings up the fact that um i was she goes like you're you're a robot like i will tell you something and you don't react emotionally and you'll just kind of stare at me blankfaced and i was like well i know because i'm listening to you and i'm sorting it out my brain and i'm trying to figure out a solution because that's kind of what i do like I figured out my brain, and then I go for it, and that's how I handle my own life.

[174] Like in my own life, when I have a problem, I internalize, I go inside of myself, I work out a little plan, and then I begin working the plan.

[175] I'm very, very disciplined, and I'm going to figure it out.

[176] So when she would come and tell me something, I wouldn't really say anything.

[177] And she said, well, it feels like you're a robot, like you're not human, and I need you to connect emotionally with me. And I was like, well, I mean, we watched the Packers game the other night and had some nachos.

[178] I was feeling it.

[179] She's like, no, that's not.

[180] And the therapist is like, Kirk, that's not the connection that she's talking about.

[181] And I was like, well, teach me. Like, what do you mean?

[182] And therapist is like, well, she wants to respond, you to respond to her emotionally.

[183] And I was like, well, why would I do that if I can respond like rationally inside?

[184] Well, so anyway, we go through this a little bit.

[185] And so something starts to break inside of me because I see my wife breaking inside being like, don't you see I just I want to know that you're real and that you feel it when I'm hurting and and when I'm really struggling I want you to feel it too and I want you to know that it affects you and I was like well it does and that's why I go inside my head and I try to figure out a solution so that we can end the pain and we can help it out and the therapist was like Kirk that's not what she means and I remember me breaking and I remember at that moment thinking, I don't know what you mean.

[186] Like, I didn't learn that.

[187] My dad never modeled that.

[188] My dad, all I ever knew from my dad is yelling at my mom.

[189] It's a wonder that I don't ever yell at you and hit you and do things that my dad did to my own mother.

[190] And so inside, I'm starting to get defensive like, I don't know what you mean.

[191] I'm a good guy.

[192] Like, I never mean to you.

[193] I never say anything mean.

[194] I try to figure things out.

[195] And so she was like, well, you should know what to say.

[196] And I was like, I don't know what to say.

[197] And I remember looking at the therapist and I've got tears in my eyes, which I hated, especially back then.

[198] I don't like it much now because I'm a guy and I don't like doing that.

[199] But back then it was like, oh, you don't cry, you don't cry.

[200] I'm not going to go to the therapist cry.

[201] I've got tears in my eyes.

[202] I'm like, Doc, I don't know what she means.

[203] I don't know what to say.

[204] And it's not that I don't care.

[205] I don't know.

[206] nobody's ever taught me this.

[207] Would you please give me the words?

[208] And I remember my wife, there's nothing wrong with what she was doing.

[209] She's like, why should I have to give you the words?

[210] Why don't you know this?

[211] Like, you should just know as a human how to do this.

[212] And the reason I'm asking you to have compassion is because my motives weren't bad.

[213] I just didn't have skills.

[214] And what hit me in that moment when I was in that therapist office, because I was in my late 30s, I was like, I've been very successful in my life.

[215] I did really well in the corporate world.

[216] I've invested our money well.

[217] I have my own business.

[218] It's thriving.

[219] I can do anything at work.

[220] I work out.

[221] I'm highly disciplined.

[222] I can take care of stuff.

[223] And yet I don't know how to have relationships with other human beings.

[224] Not real ones, not vulnerable ones, not emotionally connected ones.

[225] I didn't know.

[226] And so I'm pleading with both my wife and the therapist of like, you're not getting it.

[227] I don't know what you mean.

[228] Tell me what to say and I'll do it.

[229] And I remember the therapist kind of excused my wife from the session and he just said, Kirk, this is what you do.

[230] And I was like, Doc, I don't know that sounds weird to me. It sounds odd.

[231] So we role played for a little while.

[232] So we get done with that.

[233] And now, you know, a few days later, a wife comes in, tells me something.

[234] I'm like, and I practice it.

[235] So I can imagine that you probably feel really frustrated, huh?

[236] And I felt like Sheldon, right?

[237] Like on Big Bang theory, right?

[238] Like, I can imagine that that makes you feel frustrated.

[239] And I'm looking at her.

[240] It still hurts to this day because I can remember, you know what I felt like?

[241] I felt like a five -year -old.

[242] like pleading for someone to please understand that I'm not being a jerk and I'm not being callous and I'm not being mean.

[243] Am I doing this right?

[244] Like was that good?

[245] Right?

[246] Like I was a corporate executive this time.

[247] I have my own business, confident guy in all these areas.

[248] Now I'm looking at my wife thinking, did I do good?

[249] Am I good boy?

[250] Right?

[251] Like I do that well.

[252] And what I had to plead with her was please have compassion on me. Have some mercy.

[253] see.

[254] I'm not meaning to hurt you.

[255] I just don't know what to do.

[256] So don't misread that.

[257] And to her credit, she did that.

[258] And I'm grateful for that.

[259] And it came back around because I remember we kept going through therapy.

[260] Well, I get all on top of this.

[261] Now I'm like super emotive, man. So honey, how are you feeling today?

[262] And then I became annoying, right?

[263] Well, how does that make you feel?

[264] She's like, it doesn't really feel anything like I just got up.

[265] And I was like, well, doesn't it feel like something?

[266] And then I was like too eager to discuss our feelings and I became annoying the other way.

[267] And some of you are married to someone like that.

[268] So I eventually settled into a nice little medium thing, but I learned to do it.

[269] And I learned to say things like, I'm really struggling today.

[270] See, I would have never said that before.

[271] If I was struggling, I would just struggle.

[272] And then I work it out in my brain and in my heart, and I come up with a plan and I work my plan.

[273] planned your work, work your plan, do it.

[274] And it'd be all better.

[275] My wife was like, but you don't even struggle with things.

[276] I was like, I do struggle.

[277] I work really hard to overcome stuff.

[278] I just don't tell you.

[279] And she's like, I want to know.

[280] And I was like, well, isn't that a burden?

[281] No, because I want to support you.

[282] It's not my job to fix things for you.

[283] I was like, okay, that's good.

[284] I'll use that in our curriculum one day.

[285] Thank you.

[286] And so, look, that's the cool thing about our curriculum, hopefully that you find out.

[287] is that it's all born of our own experience and it's very, very practical because it's what we've struggled with.

[288] It's honestly the parenting stuff, this marriage stuff, the calm couples program at celebrate calm .com, $99 ridiculous.

[289] Look, it's all born of years of struggle and toil and pain and then working with almost a million families so we can kind of draw on that and make this practical.

[290] But anyway, I remember getting into a spot where at first I was like, honey, I'm frustrated right now.

[291] That was hard for me. Isn't that weird?

[292] Right?

[293] It may sound like an excuse, but that was hard.

[294] And eventually I learned how to do it.

[295] And that's what I want to teach you how to do.

[296] And I try to teach guys how to do this of like, how do you connect emotionally.

[297] One of my favorite examples is back in the day, oh, my own business, Sunday.

[298] I'm watching football.

[299] Happiness.

[300] Wife comes into the room, looks at me, starts talking.

[301] I look up.

[302] Give her an eye contact for a couple seconds.

[303] Uh -huh.

[304] Gotcha.

[305] Back down at my laptop.

[306] Look back up, back down.

[307] She was always like, I want to connect emotionally.

[308] I want to feel like I'm valued.

[309] And so one day when she walked in the room, you know what I did?

[310] Close my laptop.

[311] Picture that.

[312] I'm sitting there.

[313] I closed the laptop and she said, that's what I'm looking for.

[314] That makes me feel valued.

[315] And I said to her, it would have been helpful if you told me 10 years ago that closing your laptop makes you feel valued because then I would have done.

[316] it.

[317] Wives, there's skills that we all have to learn, and some of those are being assertive, not expecting that your husband is just going to get it one day or somehow know what you're thinking.

[318] No way.

[319] You don't even know what you're thinking half the time, so you have to have enough self -respect to be assertive and say, because watch, if my wife had come to me and said, honey, and this is what she basically told me then, when you close your laptop, when you leave your phone in the car when we go to dinner, it makes me feel like I'm more important than your work.

[320] That makes me feel valued.

[321] Oh, I'm good with that.

[322] I'm a guy.

[323] Pretty simple, like a caveman.

[324] Closed laptop?

[325] Good.

[326] Wife happy.

[327] I can deal with that.

[328] So have some mercy and compassion for each other, because guess what?

[329] Later on, after I got all into this stuff, the tables were turned and at therapists we found out that my wife was missing some skills and initially I was like well you should know how to do that until I finally had to think about her childhood and how she grew up and she was the one crime and then I had to have mercy on her it's just hard to have mercy on your spouse because you've had so many so much pain you've been dismissed so much you've been through so much stuff and your spouse isn't as cute anymore as they were right and so it's hard so number three Let's do this one.

[330] This is called, you know what, I'm not going to do number three.

[331] It's really good.

[332] I will save it for another podcast, maybe a year from now, maybe a few months from now.

[333] But if you want that, because it's 20 minutes in and listen to the, go through the program, go through the Calm Couples program.

[334] I want you to do it now.

[335] Don't wait for Valentine's Day.

[336] Do it now.

[337] This is what's in my head.

[338] I'm home.

[339] We're home much of February.

[340] If you will go through that program, start going it through now, whether by yourself, with your spouse, individually together, however you want.

[341] Email me throughout February.

[342] I'll walk you through this.

[343] I get an email from a man wanting to change.

[344] I'm all over that.

[345] I'll invest as much time as necessary to do that.

[346] If I get it from a couple who's working on their marriage, I will invest a lot of time in that.

[347] Why?

[348] Because it's going to change your marriage.

[349] It's going to save you tens of thousands of dollars, but mostly it's going to help your kids because they're the innocent victims in this.

[350] So, can I say something tough?

[351] Grow up.

[352] Be the grown -up.

[353] Be the grown -up.

[354] Stop putting it off.

[355] Everybody's like, oh, I just want to help my kids.

[356] I want to help my kids.

[357] Good.

[358] If you want to help your kids, look, I don't care.

[359] You probably don't even like your spouse right now.

[360] It's perfectly fine.

[361] So don't do it for your spouse.

[362] Don't even do it for yourself.

[363] Do it for your kids because it would be nice.

[364] I wish my parents had had the tools to teach their four sons how to actually have healthy relationships and work through conflict.

[365] Guess what?

[366] You have that chance.

[367] So, who cares about you?

[368] You're the adult.

[369] I mean, I care about you.

[370] But really, if you want to screw up your own life and have a miserable marriage and get divorced, fine if you want to do that.

[371] But it's not fine for your kids.

[372] So I want you to do it for your kids.

[373] I'm hoping that that motivates you.

[374] I don't care what motivates you.

[375] Just do it.

[376] Go through it.

[377] Email me. You'll hear in the program, there's private email, so it's confidential.

[378] We'll go through stuff.

[379] If you need help, celebrate calm .com.

[380] Email, K -C -C -A -S -E -Y at CelebrateColm .com.

[381] You can help book events in your community.

[382] We can come and do a marriage workshop.

[383] We can do a parenting workshop.

[384] We can do them both.

[385] We can do teacher training, school assembly, whatever you want.

[386] Just contact us if you need help with any of our products, anything else.

[387] We're here to help you.

[388] But let's do these three things.

[389] Again, what is one thing you want me to begin doing differently?

[390] And do that part.

[391] Have mercy.

[392] some compassion on your spouse, and the third one I didn't get to, so you just have to tune in again.

[393] Anyway, love you all.

[394] Be kind to each other.

[395] Bye -bye.