MFM Minisode 195

[0] This is exactly right.

[1] And welcome to my favorite murder.

[2] The minisode.

[3] That's right.

[4] That's Karen Kilgariff over there.

[5] That's George Art Stark way over there.

[6] Hi.

[7] Welcome.

[8] What's up, everybody?

[9] What's up?

[10] This isn't the episode where we talk about that, but just keep in mind.

[11] Let us know what's up in a couple days.

[12] Oh, George and Frank are letting us know what's up.

[13] Sorry, they're out.

[14] I have neighbors who are partying and I want to judge them.

[15] want to like you know call whoever but then I remembered and all they're doing is like every once in a while there'll be one dude that goes like whoa -hoo like super loud woo -ho guy and there's you know like the the old rebel in me is just like fuck them and then I remembered in my when I was in my 20s and we subletted a house we made the next door neighbors move away sell their home and move away we were so loud every single night oh my god do you think it's like an Airbnb or sublet next door it's a sublet but it just started and I think it's like people that are excited to have the place that they have maybe yeah it's really not so so George like my dogs will bark if a car door closes because they assume it's always coming here sure and so yeah anyway so they were like no that would drive me crazy that would drive me fucking crazy but it's like it's a little bit like it made me go like the first wave of emotion was like god fucking damn it and then i was gonna like text you know text the owner or whatever because he's super cool guy and then i was just like um if i could have five friends over and yell have one of them be a dude that yells woohoo i would do it right now totally and it's also like you were that person once so i was that person i'm jealous of those people i've ruined people's real estate investments months.

[16] I've ruined, with my alcoholism, I've ruined plenty of other people's good times.

[17] I can't fucking say a word.

[18] You've been the woohoo guy.

[19] I've been the woo go.

[20] I've been in love with the woo hoo guy.

[21] I followed the woo who guy around from party to party.

[22] I mean, there's so much that I just kind of was like, I was standing in my bathroom because of course, it's really quiet in here most of the time.

[23] And then so it's like, wow.

[24] It's literally like this guy's having the time of his life.

[25] But I'm like, In the middle of COVID, he can still woo -hoo.

[26] Meanwhile, you're fucking quarantining and, like, masking yourself.

[27] And I don't get to drink Malibu, coconut rum, the way I really would like to.

[28] Sometimes I don't get to anymore.

[29] And this motherfucker is woo -hooing in a pandemic.

[30] Down his gullet, just partying in my face.

[31] He's partying right in your fucking...

[32] He's partying right in my face.

[33] And I have to take it and I have to eat it.

[34] And that's my lot in life because of the...

[35] life I already lived.

[36] It's a test from the, from, it's like if you were Buddhist, this would be the perfect test.

[37] It's, you know what it is, instead of calling and being a narc, but the question I have to ask myself is, how do I get some more woo -hoo into my life?

[38] Because it's not impossible.

[39] I need to open up to it.

[40] We all need to just a little extra woo -hoo in our lives.

[41] I need to find some fucking dude in cargo shorts.

[42] No, no, no. Karen, you need to be the woo -hoo guy that, that you want to see in other people.

[43] No, I don't, I don't want to do the woo -hooing anymore.

[44] I've done it all.

[45] I've been the woo -hoo guy.

[46] You need to have the woo -hoo boyfriend that you want to see in other people.

[47] Yes, I need to start taking applications for woo -hoo guys in my own backyard and stop being jealous and trying to keep up with the Jones is in the other backyard.

[48] There's definitely the cargo shorts.

[49] There's puka -shell necklace.

[50] There's flip -flops for your cool flip -lops?

[51] Absolutely.

[52] Okay.

[53] Whatever it takes to get him into the.

[54] into the yard.

[55] Yeah.

[56] Into your woo -woo.

[57] I'll line up a bunch of white claws down the driveway.

[58] And he'll be like, what?

[59] I'm wearing a white claw.

[60] Whoa.

[61] And you line them up right into your heart.

[62] Oh.

[63] Get over here, you little so -and -so.

[64] Bring your cheers over here.

[65] It was a real, this just happened like 10 minutes before we started recording.

[66] And I was like, standing in the bathroom like, they're too loud.

[67] And then I was like, what, you fucking hippocry?

[68] You're a hundred.

[69] How dare you're a hundred.

[70] You're a hundred.

[71] You're bitter.

[72] And you made people move out of their home.

[73] That's amazing.

[74] That's amazing.

[75] Okay.

[76] Anyway, so my apologies.

[77] My apologies to everybody.

[78] Let's read everyone else's stories.

[79] Can you guys send us your worst partying or, oh no, send us your worst neighbor stories.

[80] Right?

[81] That's a great idea.

[82] Creepy, crazy weirdo neighbors.

[83] Fucked up neighbors that almost made you move or made you move or like what did they, what's the worst thing a neighbor has done that like, or that you've done to other neighbors.

[84] True, true.

[85] But we do want, remember, not just like, don't complain about your neighbors.

[86] There needs to be an element of creepiness.

[87] A good story part of it.

[88] Something creepy.

[89] Yes, exactly.

[90] Make sure there's something out of the ordinary.

[91] And again, we still want hometown murder stories.

[92] Like, we still want fucked up home.

[93] So keep sending those two.

[94] Yeah, but we're just trying to give you a little bit of an idea like, here's a thing.

[95] it makes me think of like everybody in college lived near it didn't have to be like right next door live near a creepy person that later on you're like then we found out blah blah blah exactly the main neighbor was an asshole cat started disappearing and then it turned out he had made a cat army and one night they all attacked their owners are you ready yeah that was the cue and then they all came over the hill cats yeah oh motherfucker here we go I'd be like take me You're like fine you win this war I'd hold my wrists out I'd sacrifice myself to the take me Okay Can we do it?

[96] Yeah do you have a sweet ending I have a funny ending Okay we too go first Okay Well this first one is Badass grandma and a family murder Great That's a great combination Right Hey pals I've been listening for the last few days And I can't wait to listen every Monday sorry.

[97] Hey pals.

[98] I've been listening for the past few years.

[99] Hold on.

[100] Sorry.

[101] I was like, wow.

[102] That was...

[103] Hey, pals.

[104] I've been listening for the past few years and I can't wait to listen every Monday and Thursday.

[105] I wake up excited for my morning commute.

[106] Oh, this must be an old one.

[107] Anyways, like Karen always says, everyone in the 80s got divorced, giving me four grandmas.

[108] And then in parentheses, I'm 21, L .O .O. Honestly, I'm kind of glad it all happened because all of my grandmas are my best friends.

[109] They're all badass women fighting 13 different rounds of cancers, the patriarchy, all while raising a ton of children.

[110] One of my favorite stories is how in the last two elections, all of them secretly voted for Hillary because they all wanted to see a woman in the White House before they die.

[111] Yes.

[112] They all are married to very conservative men in the South and didn't want to cause drama like the Southern Bells they are, but they wanted to see that dream come true.

[113] Dude, I fucking, we, I knew that was, we all, like, knew that was happening, right?

[114] Yes, that's definitely happening.

[115] Yeah, and you can do it again this year, everyone.

[116] More so.

[117] More so.

[118] Okay, on to the murder.

[119] Okay.

[120] Is what it says.

[121] In the email.

[122] That wasn't me to you.

[123] My mother's stepmom, my Mimi, is an icon who drove sports cars in her 20s, but became a southern housewife who's now obsessed with Magnolia and keeping her house beautiful.

[124] When I was younger, I was staying with her, and I asked how her dad died, being known.

[125] I thought it was going to be a heart attack or something.

[126] However, I was immediately shocked and interested when she told me he was murdered by my great -great -uncle, a 12 -year -old murderino's dream.

[127] The story is sort of unclear because this happened about 70 years ago.

[128] However, it was something like this.

[129] My great -grandfather was with his brother, chopping wood, when his brother decided to start hacking away at him with one of the axes.

[130] My grandfather began to run away while being chopped at.

[131] They lived in the middle of nowhere, North Carolina, so the next closest house was about a house was about a half a mile away.

[132] As he struggled to run, he got to the neighbor's home, and as he got to the window, his brother hit him with the axe for the last time, and he died.

[133] As he was hit, he fell into the window covering it in blood, highly disturbing the family watching the evening news.

[134] The family said it was like something out of a horror film.

[135] imagine it a bloody chopped up man falling into your living room window while you watch the news my great uncle was then arrested and he admitted that he did it because he was jealous of my grandfather's success he killed him in hopes to acquire his land and other possessions thankfully he did not receive any of it my grandmother got remarried and her youngest daughter now lives in the same house he bought for them that grandmother outlived three husbands the other two dying of old age a baddie what can i say i've truly lost track of the grandmothers at the this point.

[136] Well, anyways, thank you for all you do.

[137] As a kindergarten teacher at a school who decided to open during this pandemic, there can be a lot of anxiety involved.

[138] Very true.

[139] I'm in nursing school while teaching and I've been exhausted a lot of days, but I love Mondays and Thursday mornings.

[140] Thank you for giving me a little break twice every week.

[141] I always look forward to love y 'all, Dylan.

[142] Here's Dylan out here in the world being a teacher and studying to be a nurse.

[143] She's just like double downing on all of us.

[144] It's a boy, Dylan.

[145] The I -L -L -O -N and he wrote he him so it's a boy Dylan being a teacher and a nurse amazing I know it I love it I love every aspect of it I know welcome Dylan wait he's been here a couple years he's been here a couple years I originally read your first line that you'd been listening for a couple days I feel like Steven should leave that in yeah wow yeah fucking that family was never the same who got who was watching the news probably also it just like you're you're just out you know in the country in the olden days chopping wood with your brother and suddenly he just tries he kills you yeah that's insanity like chop chop chop wood and then you turn and chop again but this time it's your brother yeah dude okay this one's called it's a summer camp murder okay hello karen georgia and friends thank you for having me now it's not technically a hometown but i did spend 11 summers where this happened so i think that counts for something which absolutely here we go they said like most kids growing up in a predominantly Jewish suburb in New York, I was an avid sleepaway camper for most of my life.

[146] Let it be.

[147] It's like, it goes without saying.

[148] Yeah.

[149] That if you grew up Jewish in any way, shape, or form, you went to camp.

[150] Totally.

[151] We were, we were hardcore camp people.

[152] Your camp people.

[153] Because our parents are like, get away for two weeks.

[154] We can't fucking talk to you.

[155] Minimum, if not all summer.

[156] Exactly.

[157] Let it be known.

[158] I was and still am, obsessed with my camp experience and literally had the best time of my life there, which I have some of my best memories from camp, too.

[159] Absolutely.

[160] Despite the events that had occurred on the camp property in the 1940s.

[161] And since I fear authority and getting in trouble, I'm changing all of the names in the story.

[162] Smart.

[163] So back then, the camp was actually an, quote, adult resort.

[164] And then it says up for your interpretation.

[165] And was owned by John and Laura Baker.

[166] When John Baker died from heart disease, his distraught wife found comfort in a new lover who who we will call Henry.

[167] It was actually the resort's sorry.

[168] Anytime I talk about a fucking like camp or resort in like the Catskills, I just think dirty dancing the whole time.

[169] Right.

[170] Yeah.

[171] So he looks like Patrick's crazy.

[172] Yeah.

[173] It's all unfolding in your mind.

[174] Yes.

[175] Always.

[176] From early on, Laura felt that her relationship with Henry wasn't built to last.

[177] And it says, they did get married.

[178] Hey, look.

[179] It happens sometimes.

[180] But Henry became extremely controlling of her.

[181] And the property.

[182] Being smart because she's a woman, Laura had a document created stating that in the event of her death, the property would be given to her two teenage sons.

[183] Ooh.

[184] Soon after, Laura and Henry decided to divorce, Henry found the document.

[185] You guessed it, he was pissed.

[186] A few nights later, Laura had planned to meet one of her sons and his girlfriend for bingo in town.

[187] When Laura didn't show up, his son went to the camp to see what was going on.

[188] Upon arriving, he entered one of the main buildings to find his mother dead from being bludgeoned with a hammer.

[189] When the police investigated the scene, they also found Henry's body and concluded that he had taken his own life.

[190] Unfortunately, since Laura's sons were teens at the time, they were too young to take over the property.

[191] So it went on to be sold to new owners eventually becoming a kid's summer camp.

[192] So you can only imagine the rumors and stories that circulated throughout the years.

[193] The building where Laura was murdered became the Arts and Crafts building.

[194] And as an indoor kid, I spent a ton of time there.

[195] I was young at the time, but there's no age requirement for knowing when the vibe is spooky.

[196] Oh.

[197] But not spooky enough for me to play sports.

[198] So I continued making mediocre summer camp art in the murder building for many years.

[199] I think the building is now the camp's main office.

[200] Stay sexy and don't marry the chef from an adult resort and maybe find somewhere else to do your arts and crafts.

[201] S. I mean, he's kind of explaining, isn't that basically the, sorry, they're kind of explaining the premise to Friday the 13th horror film series.

[202] Right.

[203] Isn't that the one where Jason's in the lake, Friday of the 13th?

[204] I don't remember.

[205] Steven.

[206] It's not nightmare in Elm Street, right?

[207] Yeah.

[208] No, that takes place on Elm Street.

[209] Oh, yeah.

[210] Do the negligence of the...

[211] Whoops.

[212] Wait, is that Night of the Living Dead?

[213] No, that's the zombies.

[214] No, that's the mall?

[215] Is that the mall one?

[216] Yeah, Camp Crystal Lake, the negligence of the camp staff.

[217] Yes.

[218] Oh, I got to watch that.

[219] the lake.

[220] But it's like, it's, camp is scary just on its own because you're out in the woods.

[221] It's cabins.

[222] There's, there's really no, there's like minimal adult supervision.

[223] Right.

[224] And so much.

[225] It's all about.

[226] Activities happen at night.

[227] Like you still are doing things at night and walking around.

[228] Oh yeah.

[229] Sneaking around and trying to hang out.

[230] In my camp in this in the Santa Monica Hills, like it was, you had to go like long trails of dark surrounded by forest.

[231] It was fucking terrifying.

[232] Dude, I went to camp, well, because I went to the same camp, Camp St. Andrews for like 12 years or some insane amount of time.

[233] I loved it too.

[234] Catholics can do it too.

[235] But one of the camps that we went to, because it kind of change everywhere based on where they would rent.

[236] Right.

[237] And one time it was in the Santa Cruz Mountains where Ed Kemper killed people and that, the Santa Cruz Mountains were lots of bad stories we have talked about on this show.

[238] Deshearted, yes.

[239] Wow.

[240] Uh -huh.

[241] Welcome to camp, kids.

[242] Camp, everybody.

[243] I like it.

[244] If you have any really horrifying camp stories and they have to be true.

[245] No creepy pasta, you 14 -year -old nerds.

[246] That's right.

[247] Okay, ready for this one?

[248] Yes.

[249] It just starts, hi, friends.

[250] I'm just going to jump right in.

[251] I spent a portion of my upbringing in southeast Michigan, but my dad's family comes from the west side of the state.

[252] My great -grandpa Richard was a police chief in Wyoming township.

[253] This town had a local pastor, who I'll just call, Pastor Frank.

[254] In 1939, the 18 -year -old daughter of Pastor Frank died of a heart attack and was buried following a very brief investigation.

[255] Years later, Pastor Frank came onto the police's radar because he was accused of attacking a church elder with a lead pipe.

[256] This is the game.

[257] Clue.

[258] What's up?

[259] And I don't appreciate it.

[260] This is creepy.

[261] It's not even creepy pasta.

[262] It's a fucking game.

[263] And how dare you?

[264] You can't repeat games.

[265] Still a great game, by the way, you guys.

[266] We got it at the beginning of quarantine, played it twice, loved it, haven't thought about it since but it's a great game now you have to move on to watching the movie and every love the movie the movies is a serious uh okay now get let's get real the accuser also suggested pastor frank tried to give him quote chemically tainted candy basically my great grandpa got super suspicious and he found out that pastor frank's first wife had died an quote untimely death in illinois several years earlier against the advice of his fellow officers and seven years after the death of the pastor's daughter, my great -grandpa brought Pastor Frank into the police station.

[267] After being questioned, Pastor Frank confessed to not only attacking the church elder, but poisoning his daughter with Sinai.

[268] Oh my God.

[269] The crime had been committed on a Sunday morning before the pastor went to deliver his weekly sermon.

[270] Dude, what the fuck?

[271] Says that right there.

[272] Pastor Frank was found guilty and sentenced to life in prison.

[273] Years later, when asked why he was suspicious of a young pastor committing murder, my My great grandpa responded, quote, he was a man, and one thing I learned in World War I is that men are capable of anything, unquote.

[274] Words to live by, which it also says that.

[275] I've also been interested in true crime since I was very young.

[276] And although I think there are so many problems with policing and I fully support actions to divert money to other resources, I can't help but wonder if my great grandpa passed down this interest to me. He died well before I was born.

[277] So unfortunately, I never got to talk with him about it.

[278] I am now a clinical psychology PhD student studying the assessment of the dark triad, psychopathy, narcissism, and Macavelianism.

[279] Oh, my God.

[280] So safe to say, I feel I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

[281] Yes, you are.

[282] So good.

[283] Wow.

[284] I want to look up the dark triad.

[285] How come when you were a kid and you did like the testing to see what you're going to be when you grew up or your fucking like career counselor wasn't like, guess what you could study if you wanted to?

[286] Like, why didn't they tell you?

[287] Because even if you could have, they would have been like, oh, that's inappropriate for girls.

[288] Right, right, right, right.

[289] And also, you won't even take your SATs because you barely go to class.

[290] Goodbye.

[291] You can't write a book report on Silas Marner if you don't read Silas Marner.

[292] Sorry, Karen.

[293] You're literally barely graduating high school.

[294] So that's right.

[295] If you're only going to write book reports based on the picture, the cover art of the book, your fuck now.

[296] You won't even read the cliff notes, Karen.

[297] Can we please just pretend?

[298] I used to truly write book reports based on the picture.

[299] I'd just be like, this is the moving and unequivocal story of an old man with a beard.

[300] Just describe what the picture is.

[301] That is amazing.

[302] Thank you so much for the podcast.

[303] You're both so great.

[304] And I hope you're each hanging in there despite the wildfires and the pandemic.

[305] Thank you.

[306] I don't really know how to end this.

[307] It's really hard.

[308] It is hard.

[309] So endings are the hardest in writing.

[310] So I'll just say, stay sexy and always suspect cyanide poisoning.

[311] Yeah.

[312] I want her to finish school shows you can tell us, like, I get a psychopath, right?

[313] Who's like a murderer, but then what, but then also joining the priesthood and becoming a priest or whatever, like is like you're purposely trying to trick people.

[314] Yes.

[315] That's like a purpose.

[316] You know you're going to, going to and want to hurt people.

[317] And so you do that.

[318] Yeah.

[319] Yes.

[320] It's a cover.

[321] It's so extra.

[322] It's so extra.

[323] It's very much what those people do.

[324] They're like, what's the best way to get people to trust me without being trustworthy?

[325] And I don't want to kill strangers.

[326] I want to kill people who trust me. Yeah.

[327] What the fuck?

[328] I mean, dude.

[329] Okay.

[330] What is it all about?

[331] This one's called morbid theme park story.

[332] Nice.

[333] And it just starts, my queens.

[334] You asked for more theme park stories and having worked several headings.

[335] film park performing contracts.

[336] I finally have something to write y 'all about.

[337] Disclaimer, if you think sketchy, dangerous theme parks died with Action Park, think again.

[338] Oh, shit.

[339] The summer after my freshman year at college, I got a job performing at a theme park outside of Pittsburgh called Ida Wilde.

[340] The park opened in 1878, and honestly, it felt like it had not been updated much since then.

[341] 1870.

[342] Run, run, away.

[343] The slivers alone.

[344] Oh, my God.

[345] However, the park had added several outdoor performance spaces where I had the joy of performing in the heat and the rain for crowds of usually less than 10 people all day, every day.

[346] Yes, do it.

[347] That's called, that's called working on your craft.

[348] That's right.

[349] The most popular show we did was one where I had the great pleasure of wearing a giant tiger suit in which I got to enjoy the aromas of three other people's buckets of sweat for 30 minutes at a time in the blazing sun.

[350] Oh, shit.

[351] Here's the worst line I've ever read.

[352] Sometimes I even got to have some spider friends in the head with me. No. And then she writes so fun.

[353] Spiders.

[354] Christ.

[355] In the head!

[356] I can't.

[357] I don't like surprise.

[358] And you're like a six -year -old walking around this shitty theme park and then you walk by a fake tiger that's, you can hear human screaming from within.

[359] I got to go to this theme park.

[360] Fuck.

[361] Okay.

[362] Anyways, the premise of the show, this is necessary to the story, was that, thank you for saying so, was that the tiger, Daniel, was trying to convince his friend, Catarina Kitty Cat, to go on the roller coaster with him.

[363] She was very scared and didn't want to, but Daniel, in a very creepy, non -consensual way, kept pushing her to do it until she agreed.

[364] Problematic.

[365] Throughout the show, we constantly pointed to the park's old roller coaster, the rollo coaster.

[366] it's called this thing was built in 1938 and even though it allowed kids as short as 36 inches to ride it didn't even have seatbelts sorry wait how short is that?

[367] Three feet tall okay three feet tall I feel like when you become a parent you speak you say how your kid is 38 months and they're 36 inches tall and please know that people without kids don't fucking know how tall they don't know don't care the specific congratulations on being in the 90th percentile we don't give a shit we know it's your life.

[368] We nod and smile.

[369] We're happy for you.

[370] We just want to drink.

[371] Okay.

[372] They're like, so do we.

[373] That's where we started the mom wine trend.

[374] That's why we're all having drinks when we talk about this.

[375] So it didn't have seatbelts.

[376] Nope, just a little bar.

[377] I refused to go on it because it seems so rickety and always felt weird about promoting it in the show.

[378] But kids went fucking bananas for both Daniel Tiger and the roller coaster.

[379] So there wasn't much I could do about it.

[380] One day, getting ready to head over to the tiger show, we got news that a three -year -old child had fallen off the roller coaster.

[381] Oh, no. And was being flown to the hospital in critical condition.

[382] However, our show was about to start.

[383] And since it was one of the park's biggest attractions, our supervisor made us do it in the midst of the chaos.

[384] So here I am in a tiger suit singing and dancing about how fun the roller coaster is moments after a helicopter left the park with an unconscious child.

[385] clearly everyone in the unusually packed audience knew what had happened and through the mesh cartoon tiger eyes I received the dirtiest looks from parents who seemed to think that I had any autonomy in this situation family either that Daniel the tiger or you're projecting right or you knew it was terrible right yeah family by family the crowd started to empty out tossing back disappointed headshakes as they left right before catarina agreed to go on the roller coaster a supervisor cut the sound and announced that Daniel had to take a nap.

[386] The show was canceled for the rest of the summer, but don't worry, I still got to wear the tiger suit for meet and greets.

[387] I've tried to find more information on the child many times since that day, and I've never learned what happened to him.

[388] The kids running the rides at this park seemed like they were 13, and it should have never been a child's responsibility determined that another child was safe on an octogenarian roller coaster.

[389] The roller coaster is still open, and finally, after almost a century, has Cepo.

[390] So stay sexy and don't go to sketchy theme parks, especially during COVID, Zoe.

[391] It's still open?

[392] It's still open.

[393] They just added seatbelts.

[394] That's horrifying.

[395] At first, when you first started telling the story, I was like, oh, wow, like more action park style things than it's like, yeah, more tragedies.

[396] I mean, because whether they're an unincorporated rando theme park or whether it's a fucking local government so they don't have to have safety checks and shit.

[397] Or it's the big ones.

[398] I mean, those accidents happen all the time.

[399] It's horrifying.

[400] I have no, aside from funnel cakes and corn dogs, I have no fucking interest in going to an amusement park ever.

[401] I mean, there's some good ones, but I have to say that the, for the future, for three years from now, when we can all start going back to them, there's nothing better.

[402] The best ride right now at Disneyland is in California adventure and it's soaring over California, although now it's soaring over the world.

[403] I never got a chance to get on that one.

[404] Oh, my God.

[405] have to it's so and there's like no risk because you're actually not going anywhere you're just in this thing that gets lifted up and get move you get moved into like it okay i went on the i went on the tower of terror right before the weed uh rice crispy treat i ate kicked in and i had a leave oh so i didn't get a chance to go on and i had a fucking so did you go up up up and then back down like you had to walk down it was the most i was on that ride and i was like it's hydrolyx i get it I love it.

[406] It was like the most fun I've ever had.

[407] And then we went in the Muppet 3D ride and I fucking had a, I lost it.

[408] I had a panic attack.

[409] I ran out of there and I was like, we're leaving right now.

[410] So I didn't get to go on soaring over whatever the fuck.

[411] Oh, because you had to cut your day short.

[412] I think a lot of people.

[413] Don't do edibles, you guys.

[414] You don't need to do edibles.

[415] You don't need to do edibles.

[416] And don't do that in public.

[417] Right.

[418] You can't do surprise ride edibles.

[419] Definitely.

[420] Over -stimulation edibles.

[421] are not a thing.

[422] Not at a theme park.

[423] Not at the place that's like we're bending over backwards to blow your mind.

[424] And you're like, hold on, let me take a little bit of this first.

[425] Yeah.

[426] That was 20s, Georgia.

[427] She made a lot of mistakes.

[428] Hey, I relate.

[429] That's why we have this podcast.

[430] No judgments.

[431] Karen, you know I'm all about vintage shopping.

[432] Absolutely.

[433] And when you say vintage, you mean when you physically drive to a store and actually purchase something with cash.

[434] Exactly.

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[451] Goodbye.

[452] This just starts, hi, everyone.

[453] I just realized I have a good week.

[454] weird pervert story for you with a flight attendant flare for spice what is what a kickoff what more does one want i love spice when you're a flight attendant many people ask you your weirdest or worst experience on a flight because many people cannot fathom the idea of spending your life on a plane when airports are such pure torture to so many while i've now lived through restraining aggressive passengers strange and wonderful encounters with celebrities horrible weather diverting to a different airport unexpectedly unexpectedly and working long crazy hours when things go wrong, I don't think I can top the story that one of my favorite senior flight attendants told me. Back in the day, things were a lot more relaxed in the way of security, but our main job has always been safety first, service second.

[455] That means looking out for any signs of danger, making sure people have seatbelts on when it gets turbulent, and also things like monitoring the laboratories for anything wrong.

[456] One day my friend was walking the aisles and giving out water as usual.

[457] when she passed by one of the laboratories near the bag of the plane and noticed a weird odor.

[458] It smelled like smoke, which is always a huge emergency because fire on a plane can be deadly, but not cause for panic.

[459] A lot of people will sneak into the laboratories thinking they won't get caught, sneaking a few quick puffs.

[460] They always, and this is in parentheses, they always get caught.

[461] I've had friends whip open the doors the second the smoke alarms go off and catch people red -handed.

[462] Holy shit.

[463] She then realized after a second sniff that it wasn't normal smoke.

[464] Oh, yes.

[465] That was marijuana smoke.

[466] Great.

[467] So she does the normal knock on the door.

[468] Hello, are you smoking in there?

[469] No response.

[470] She knocks again saying, hello, are you smoking in there?

[471] Nothing.

[472] I'm coming in.

[473] She unlocked the door.

[474] And then in parentheses, yes, we can do that.

[475] Rad.

[476] It's just good to know.

[477] Yeah.

[478] And opened it before staring in shock.

[479] On the toilet was a man smoking a joint naked.

[480] he was however completely wrapped head to toe in plastic wrap she quickly closed the door and went to her in charge flight attendant and told him what was going on he immediately stomped to the back of the plane and yelled to the man that he was to put his clothes on right now or the authorities would meet them on the ground and arrest him like i said earlier it was a different time not sure when exactly but definitely before nine eleven these days of a man was caught with all that the police definitely would have been called and the man might have been charged But back then, he was allowed to just walk off the plane like nothing happened.

[481] Oh, my God.

[482] If you behave from now on, we wonder.

[483] It's like, you can do the bad thing, but when we tell you you have to behave, you have to comply.

[484] And then you're fine.

[485] Oh, my God.

[486] Do you say that the saran wrap?

[487] Okay, wait, I'm going to finish this.

[488] This is a whole thing.

[489] Then I have some ideas.

[490] So thanks for reading.

[491] And if you know, a flight attendant, buy them wine and press them for juicy stories because we all have them.

[492] Also, we really need the wine right now.

[493] Since COVID started thousands and thousands of flight attendants have been laid off and many of us have been left devastated by losing a job that we live with all our hearts.

[494] And those who could never imagine anything worth giving up flying have been forced to find something else and start back at square one.

[495] We are resilient and we can't wait to fly again, but we are all so heartbroken to have our wings clipped.

[496] I'm lucky enough to work for an amazing Canadian company that did not leave us completely out in the dark.

[497] but many others are not nearly as lucky.

[498] Stay sexy and always wear shoes while going into the airplane bathroom.

[499] Lots of love, Ariel.

[500] Ariel, can we have a moment to fucking shout out flight attendance?

[501] I mean, you and I have experienced so many of them.

[502] And they're just the hardest working badass people.

[503] Who deal, even before all this stuff, dealt with so much bullshit from people.

[504] So much bullshit.

[505] So much bullshit.

[506] and they always were, I mean, all the ones I've dealt with.

[507] And I've also had some in my family who are just, they're pros.

[508] They know how to, like, handle people.

[509] They know good psychology.

[510] Totally.

[511] They know how to get people to do things without.

[512] They can immediately be able to, like, tell what kind of person they're dealing with and know how to switch over to whatever the, oh, my God.

[513] And then also, like, not deal with your bullshit and be good at it.

[514] Yeah.

[515] And so, and there's so many who have lost jobs.

[516] There's been huge layoffs.

[517] Seriously.

[518] Everywhere.

[519] And the ones who have jobs have to deal with so many assholes, double assholes.

[520] And just, I mean, yeah.

[521] Here's my theory about this guy on this plane and this story.

[522] To go back to that.

[523] The first thing I thought it was, because first of all, how stupid do you have to be to smoke pot on a plane?

[524] Oh, my God.

[525] Even if it was 1974 and it was like the height of it all.

[526] But the saran wrap, I was like, is it like a crazy guy who was trying to lose weight?

[527] And so he was like, yeah.

[528] Sweating it out in the.

[529] Yeah, he's like doing a sweat thing, maybe some weird actor or a long -distance runner.

[530] Maybe he read in Marie Claire that this is the best way to lose weight is if you're zero, if you're like in above the earth and in air and you wrap in you wrap yourself, this is the way to lose weight.

[531] This is a new way.

[532] Next step, fun sex tips that involve a scrunchy.

[533] Oh, no, scrunchies and sex.

[534] That was a real, that was a, I used to do that in my act.

[535] That was a real, um, headline on Cosmo one time.

[536] of like 10 great sex trip sex tips for Thanksgiving or whatever and like and one involves a scrunchy and I was just like what is happening what is happening don't put a scrunchy on anyone's balls friends like that's just unnecessary we don't even I don't even want a scrunchy in my hair like it's not just to tie up all your stuff get it out of the way that's got to be it okay this is called Robbie story and then it says in the title Robbie still exist remember we were talking about people named Robbie yes that's right yeah And then it says with bonus crazy hitchhiker.

[537] Great start.

[538] It starts, howdy.

[539] I'd like to preface this story by saying, I love my fiancé deeply.

[540] You know it's going to be good.

[541] Yeah, it's going to be good.

[542] And then it says, but Lord, has he done some dumb shit before we got together?

[543] And yes, his name is Robbie.

[544] They do still exist.

[545] Nice.

[546] So my fiancé Robbie likes to tell me tales of the adventures he's had before we got together.

[547] Stories like how he jumped off a dam into.

[548] water that was over a hundred feet below, how he threw house parties with nothing but strangers, that's like your neighbors, how he has been in multiple bar fights, etc. And then it says, he was a whack -a -doodle.

[549] Slash alcoholic.

[550] Slash unmedicated bipolar.

[551] The scariest and most interesting story happened to him one night on one of his typical, and then in parentheses, what the fuck?

[552] 3 a .m. cruises around town.

[553] So, per his usual routine, Robbie would casually decide to get up in the middle of the night and cruise around in his Camaro, his literal pride and joy, while listening to music.

[554] Being the offensively overtrusting person that he is, he decided to pick up a hitchhiker that he saw on the side of the road during one of these drives.

[555] The ride starts out normally.

[556] Once again, what the fuck and who does this?

[557] With them listening to music and Robbie asking the hitchhiker where he's headed.

[558] the side of the road guy names a town that's within 30 minutes so they began to head that way about 10 minutes into the drive the hitchhiker pulls a knife on my fiancee he holds a knife near Robbie's throat and tells him that he needs to hand over all his money and cards or he will fucking die so what does my fiance do with his midlife crisis car he speeds the fuck up Oh, Robbie starts going 70 and then 80 and then 90 down this back road all the while the knife is still held up to him.

[559] Robbie looks over while holding the pedal to the floor and says, I'm ready to die.

[560] Are you?

[561] Fucking Robbies.

[562] Robbies.

[563] Fuck yes, Robbie.

[564] Robbies.

[565] Apparently this works.

[566] The knife goes down.

[567] The hitchhiker goes silent.

[568] Robbie slows down and tells him.

[569] you get the fuck out of the vehicle and the hitchhiker does as he has told.

[570] I guess the moral of the story is stay sexy and don't pick up hitchhikers at 3 a .m. Or maybe ever, Jesse.

[571] That's Jesse and Robbie are our favorite character.

[572] Our favorite couple.

[573] I think John Cougar, Mellon camp wrote a song about them.

[574] Okay, I just want to say this.

[575] We were being very facetious about Robbie.

[576] We were being judgmental.

[577] We were putting a lot on him.

[578] But guess what?

[579] But if you're going to go out at 3 a .m. And your Camaro and pick up hitchhikers, because you like to listen to music and meet people or whatever your reasons are, then you do that like the warrior Robbie.

[580] And basically, you're ready to die to do that.

[581] And then if the people are going to threaten you, you're like, yeah, I expected this.

[582] You double down.

[583] Because it's 3A.

[584] Yeah.

[585] And I'm being crazy.

[586] I didn't think I'd pick up a fucking, like, dude on his way to the office.

[587] you know right you're out there to like mix it up with the bad boys and you because you are the king of the bad boys what you're wanting is experiences to tell your future fiancee about so she's all like that's crazy but inside she's like my heart is racing I love him so much she'll never be bored of you if you have cool stuff no holy shit you can't you can't bore jessie man she's like tell me everything she's like I want to hear it Robbie I'm ready to die are you I'm ready to I mean, it's the ultimate upper hand.

[588] Also, just remember that in any situation.

[589] You don't actually literally have to be ready to die.

[590] You have to be a good actor and you have to be willing to say the sentence.

[591] And roll the dice that maybe the other person's like, you know what I am?

[592] I am actually.

[593] Let's do this thing.

[594] And ideally be a man, I'm guessing, too, named Robbie.

[595] That'd be helpful.

[596] Yeah.

[597] I'm seeing Robbie as being a bit broad -chested, maybe even barrel -chested, kind of like a, he's got like a motorhead shirt with a fleece over it.

[598] definitely that's Robbie so you know he's going to pull that off he's going to pull the are you ready to die only Robbie can pull that tonight um is that it no you have one more no no no you don't no that's it oh no six keep going keep going oh man i would have read that one slower that was the perfect ending that was the perfect dunning that was the perfect dunning Robbie.

[599] Robbie, you rule.

[600] And high fives to all the flight attendants out there and nurses and teachers and, you know.

[601] God.

[602] And Robbie.

[603] Yeah.

[604] Yep.

[605] Link arms everybody because we need to, we need to support each other.

[606] That's right.

[607] These are tough times.

[608] We're here for you.

[609] You're here for you and us and everyone and all the murdering.

[610] Yes.

[611] And also stay sexy.

[612] And don't get murdered.

[613] Goodbye.

[614] Elvis, do you want a cookie?