Jesse Tyler Ferguson

[0] Welcome, welcome, welcome to armchair expert.

[1] I'm Dan Shepard.

[2] I'm joined by Minister Mao.

[3] Hi, Minister.

[4] And of course, the cutest Kiwi in existence, David Ferrier.

[5] Hello.

[6] Just loitering today.

[7] Yeah, I'm just hanging out.

[8] I've got nothing on.

[9] Yeah, we did other stuff that involved you.

[10] But now you're just along for the riding.

[11] What a short short you're in.

[12] Have you been scoping his thighs throughout all these?

[13] These are very short shorts?

[14] I actually worried when I walked here in them, I'm saying, are these two short?

[15] Well, like, you'll get cat calls?

[16] Yeah.

[17] Yeah.

[18] How would you respond to cat calls favorably?

[19] I'd just run away.

[20] You're very modest.

[21] You wouldn't like the time.

[22] I wouldn't like it.

[23] If I was in those shorts and I started getting cat called, I'd stop and spin.

[24] I would look like Marilyn Monroe.

[25] I'd start posing.

[26] I want to apologize for the shortness of these shorts that won't happen again.

[27] It's not just the shortness.

[28] Don't apologize for that.

[29] But the color is a lot.

[30] What color is this?

[31] Is this pink or purple or both?

[32] I would call it.

[33] Fuchsia?

[34] Fuchsia.

[35] I like the sound of that.

[36] had.

[37] These are my fuchsia short shorts and I wear them sometimes when I'm going for a nice walk.

[38] Oh, okay.

[39] Your junk must jiggle around a lot in those.

[40] It's very thin.

[41] It doesn't, as long as junk's in underwear, it's doing, I think, the same amount of jiggling, whether it's in a short short or a pair of jeans.

[42] Well, but when you have a gene barrier between the jiggling and the world, it's harder to move.

[43] I haven't been thinking about it, but now when I walk next, I will think about it.

[44] And I probably never be able to get rid of that thought.

[45] You just basically have a breath over your, you know, it's just a thin airlock is what you got.

[46] I hadn't thought about any of this before.

[47] I'm going to post up down the street before you leave and just check out what's happening.

[48] Okay, give me some feedback.

[49] I bet it's bounce, bounce city.

[50] Wow.

[51] Okay.

[52] I don't like that.

[53] You know who would like that topic?

[54] A buddy of mine.

[55] Jesse Tyler Ferguson.

[56] Jesse, of course, a Tony Award winning in five -time Emmy -nominated actor that we all fell in love with on Modern Family.

[57] He's an Ice Age Collision course.

[58] 8.

[59] Do Not Disturb.

[60] And he has a new podcast out on Spotify, Dingles, Gay Pride and Prejudice, which is a modern adaptation of Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice.

[61] So it's acted out and it's written and it's really great.

[62] So please enjoy either Jesse Tyler Ferguson or David Ferrier prancing around in his thinnest of thin indigo slacks.

[63] Wonder.

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[66] Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts.

[67] How are you?

[68] Jesse, hi.

[69] I'm so good.

[70] Do you know we're old friends?

[71] He looks so familiar.

[72] Yeah.

[73] We are old friends.

[74] I would not expect you to know that, but I thought I would give you a pop -out.

[75] Rachel Field is one of my dearest, dearest friends.

[76] and we were roommates for many years.

[77] Now that you put yourself in context of Rachel Field, I absolutely remember you.

[78] Yeah, you had a party.

[79] No, unfortunately.

[80] Unfortunately not.

[81] I wish.

[82] I know me too.

[83] No, you had a party with your husband at a very fancy venue.

[84] Always fancy.

[85] You're very stylish.

[86] And Rachel brought me as her little plus one and it was so fun.

[87] What was the venue?

[88] Can you out him for it?

[89] Chase's Lounge?

[90] Wasn't that a Laura?

[91] I feel like it was at my restaurant that I invested in.

[92] Was it at Arby's?

[93] Arby's.

[94] You dick.

[95] It had a beautiful outdoor space.

[96] Yeah, well, it's changed names three times, but I think at the time it was called the Ponty.

[97] Okay, so you failed the first test.

[98] Now, do you remember meeting me?

[99] We've met so many times.

[100] There's a crucial one.

[101] Like, we dined together.

[102] Seminal?

[103] Do you remember dining together?

[104] Was it out like a Emmy thing, or was it out like a normal house?

[105] So you and Kristen are friends, right?

[106] You guys have some history together.

[107] What is your history?

[108] I was a struggling actor when she was first on Broadway.

[109] I might have been on Broadway at the same time.

[110] What year was Tom Sawyer?

[111] Do you remember?

[112] 84, 85.

[113] 84.

[114] I thought you were serious.

[115] Okay, I'll refresh your memory.

[116] A lot of y 'all are really good friends, the Broadway community.

[117] And so like a revolving door, you all show up.

[118] You're in town for this or that.

[119] Maybe you have an audition.

[120] So I've been to many, many dinners and lunch.

[121] with Broadway folks.

[122] And you were just in town.

[123] Now, I don't know if it was for an audition or you were there to shoot the pilot, but it definitely was the eve of modern family, and we went to this pizza place that was upstairs in Los Felis.

[124] We sat on the second floor, and I got to know you, and maybe because you have red hair, it was memorable.

[125] But I remember, not that I'm a cynic, but it's another person out for a TV show.

[126] As that show became what it was, I just remember thinking, oh, wonderful, that sweet boy.

[127] That's sweet child.

[128] Yes.

[129] Fresh -faced and optimistic.

[130] Okay, do you remember eating with us at all?

[131] I do remember now eating with you.

[132] Broadway people have bad memories.

[133] You just have to excuse it.

[134] That's true.

[135] We do because we're always memorizing all of our scripts.

[136] So many scripts.

[137] You're read at Tats.

[138] Our dances and our monologue.

[139] And all your pre -planned chatter at the bar afterwards.

[140] That's exactly right.

[141] And then I kept running into Kristen during the pandemic.

[142] I'd run into her in Griffith Park just hiking away our sorrows.

[143] Oh.

[144] Yeah, and then did she participate?

[145] You did something special to alleviate the suffering of the performers.

[146] Were you guys all saying something?

[147] Or you did some kind of zoomy thing?

[148] God, there were so many.

[149] The past two years, it was a lot of zoomy things.

[150] Yeah, you guys got busy.

[151] We got real busy.

[152] Now, listen, I would imagine that you would have been overwhelmed by my physical stature at this pizza restaurant and thought, how'd this Broadway girl end up with this lug, this Philistine, this simpleton, and that it would have been memorable to you.

[153] This Davy Crockett time.

[154] Oh, thank you.

[155] That was before you were a big boy, though.

[156] That was a medium -sized boy.

[157] Before he was a small to medium.

[158] You were a twink, as we call it, the gay community.

[159] Yes, yes.

[160] Just genuinely, I liked you.

[161] To the point where I thought, can someone this kind make it in this business?

[162] I mean, if I'm being dead honest.

[163] Come on.

[164] For real.

[165] God, that's very sweet of you.

[166] I try to be a good guy.

[167] Have you had people reach out to you on social media?

[168] You were a horrible person to me at this party, or I met Zach Shepard once, and he was this total asshole that's happened to me on Twitter or Instagram where people say that I was an awful person to them and it destroys me in a way that really bothers me that it destroys me so much.

[169] I work really hard to be a good person.

[170] And so when people have any bad experience around me, really upsets me. Totally.

[171] But at the same time, in my 20 years of being on television, I've certainly been a dick on many days.

[172] I've been at the airport flying home to deal with my dad's cancer that I found out about 12 hours ago.

[173] So yeah, if that person bumped into me, yeah, I'm like a full -faceted person.

[174] You might catch me on a shitty day or a good day.

[175] And I agree because it's like someone's painting with such a broad brush.

[176] I met this person for 30 seconds.

[177] Let me sum up their character in totality.

[178] 100%.

[179] What's the worst one?

[180] Can you think of one someone said like he fucking shove me?

[181] He said the reds are on top now.

[182] He knifed me. No, I once heard that I was difficult to work with.

[183] First of all, that's my real weak spot.

[184] But then I was thinking about, okay, what are the times in my career where I've actually voiced my opinion and allowed way because I felt like things were going wrong.

[185] There's a handful of situations.

[186] They usually happen in the theater, and it's usually with someone who doesn't really know what they're doing.

[187] I do remember once I was doing a workshop of a show, and I basically said to the director, can I see you in the hallway for a second?

[188] Okay.

[189] Smack the shit out of him when you get out.

[190] We were putting too much in our plate.

[191] I was like, you need to simplify this.

[192] We're supposed to be doing this tomorrow.

[193] It's for the writers.

[194] We're just over -complicating everything.

[195] And, I mean, all the other actors were like, thank you so much for stopping this person for turning this into a complete shit show.

[196] But I do think I was like, okay, that's probably the person who said I was difficult to work with.

[197] Or it could have been James Burroughs.

[198] Who knows?

[199] I don't know.

[200] Yeah.

[201] Well, Rachel has nothing but good things to say.

[202] And she tells me a lot of gossip.

[203] Oh, she'll talk to her.

[204] I know about everyone.

[205] She talks dirty.

[206] But I do want to ask you about why it hurts you so much because I just had this realization recently.

[207] Oh, yeah.

[208] Monica had a bad one.

[209] I had a bad experience speaking of talking shit.

[210] I talk some shit about dogs.

[211] They're not my favorite, okay?

[212] Okay.

[213] It's really about the dog owners.

[214] I won't drag you into this.

[215] But I said some stuff on an episode.

[216] And then, of course, and I expected this.

[217] I got some comments on Instagram.

[218] And it affected me so much more than I expected.

[219] And I was like, why do I care this much?

[220] And then I realized, I think it's because growing up, being liked and accepted was a survival skill.

[221] It wasn't just, I want this because I'm a person.

[222] It was, if you don't like me, maybe you're going to hurt me. Similar to your disability of red hair, she is.

[223] brown skin.

[224] And in the South.

[225] So, you know, it was really for survival being liked by everyone.

[226] And so I'm very triggered by not being liked.

[227] Rejected, yeah.

[228] Do you think for you there's any kind of like childhood?

[229] I grew up closeted and gay in Albuquerque, New Mexico.

[230] And I feel like I was sort of that survival thing.

[231] I kind of wanted to disappear.

[232] Like, I didn't want people to notice me too much.

[233] I hated my bullies, obviously.

[234] The people who just left me alone were my favorite people.

[235] Just leave me alone.

[236] It's the best you can do.

[237] Now that I'm comfortable in my skin and people are criticizing me, I feel like it's bringing that unnecessary attention to me in a way.

[238] But also, I've made the bad choice of looking at message boards.

[239] Do you know about these Broadway chat message boards?

[240] Oh, God, I can only imagine.

[241] They're the worst.

[242] Anyone who goes onto these boards, they're not going on.

[243] This is a great performance of this guy's giving.

[244] They're only going on to shit talk.

[245] And having never read them, my guess would be every person commenting wishes they were on Broadway.

[246] I don't know, maybe.

[247] Yeah, when you start with, I'm going to evaluate people who are doing the thing that I wish I was doing.

[248] and I'm not, not a great foot to start on.

[249] No, I've made the mistake of looking at those boards and they really, really affect me. I had to basically block the website from my phone.

[250] I would just go on it, you know, late at night when I'm feeling like, okay, I'm brave, I can handle it.

[251] And then I would just destroy me. I just think it's very human.

[252] It's very unsettling to think people hate you.

[253] There's a sense of justice for me that's triggered.

[254] You haven't even met me. I did read one.

[255] It even made it to like one of these page six things.

[256] It was big enough that people forwarded to me. And it was like, someone ran into me at a skate park on.

[257] under the Brooklyn Bridge and I skated around and I ripped it up a bit and then I smoked grass with his buddy and I was cool.

[258] So in general, it was like a positive thing.

[259] Now, I have not skated in 30 years.

[260] I'm also really known for being sober.

[261] So the fact that I'm blowing a doobie with somebody.

[262] And then it just leaves you with this very weird feeling of was this sincere.

[263] Does that person think that was me?

[264] That could be the case.

[265] And then if that's a case, how often are people coming?

[266] I mean, that's actually someone looks like me, they observe.

[267] I don't know.

[268] Also, the power of words, especially with social media now, things just go so far, so fast.

[269] And if they get traction like that, and all of a sudden it is something you're hearing about, that's insane.

[270] That's insane that someone could just say something, even if it's made up, and it's all of a sudden, fact, and it's a reality, and it's coming back to you.

[271] He butt -chugged three beers, blew my boyfriend, did an awesome molly kickflip over a gap.

[272] Well, that's all true.

[273] I also think confidence is something that we feel we've achieved.

[274] It's like, I'm confident now, but that's really not.

[275] It's something you can tap into and come out of.

[276] I don't think it's a state that you just have.

[277] I wish it was something that we just had, but you're totally right.

[278] That's such a great point because you could read that on one day, laugh it off.

[279] And then on a day where you were already hating yourself and feeling like a shithead, you're like, yeah.

[280] And now everyone knows.

[281] Yeah.

[282] Have you and Chris never been out together?

[283] You're having a fight and someone comes up and wants to say how they're a big fan and wants to take a photo.

[284] And it's like, this is the worst timing.

[285] That happens to Justin night quite often.

[286] It makes it sound like we all we do is fight.

[287] We don't.

[288] But there have been several times where it's like, this is not a good day in our relationship, and we're really going through something.

[289] And I have to turn on this other persona.

[290] I'm like, they can see through this.

[291] And you're also confirming probably Justin's overall feeling that you're a fraud.

[292] So it's like you're fighting about something that you're a fraud about.

[293] And then you turn like a psychopath and you act nice.

[294] And he's like, that's what I'm talking about.

[295] That's what we're fighting about.

[296] You're a psychopath.

[297] You're duplicitous fraud.

[298] Totally.

[299] Oh, this is a great curiosity of mine when two men have a child.

[300] There's kind of a well -worn path.

[301] It's a stereotype, but I'm going to use it anyways.

[302] Women have a certain reaction to having kids.

[303] We read this great book right before we had kids.

[304] Brain rules for babies.

[305] And it said, for the majority of relationships, your relationship will get worse, having kids.

[306] Just start knowing that it generally, more often than not, is bad for your relationship.

[307] And then one of the main complaints I know from my husband, friends, is like, mom gets pretty singularly focused on being a mom.

[308] And dad's still like, yeah, but we're still a...

[309] Let's go date night.

[310] Yeah, let's definitely compartmentalize this.

[311] And I wonder if that rears itself in two -dad relationship or minimally in yours.

[312] Totally case -by -case scenario.

[313] For us, we always wanted to make the baby fit into our lives.

[314] And, you know, I think that's what a lot of parents hope to do.

[315] And then the reality situation is like, it's going to happen the way it happens, obviously.

[316] But Becca takes up so much of our time and energy.

[317] And we're also in a very fortunate position.

[318] And we have been able to hire people to help us.

[319] And I've been able to continue working.

[320] And Justin's been able to continue working.

[321] So we feel like we still have a handle and a hold on the people we were before Beckett arrived.

[322] But it is this person that comes into your life that honestly, not sure if you fully are going to like this person or not.

[323] It's just like getting to know anyone.

[324] I don't know.

[325] I was like, I hope you're not a dick.

[326] But he's not.

[327] He's amazing and I love him.

[328] I don't think it's Pollyanna of me to say, but I find myself falling in love with Justin or watching him be a dad.

[329] And it's harder in the sense that like when I was, for example, doing this play on Broadway, like Justin stayed back in L .A. for two months while I was rehearsing the play to just sort of give me space and it was also February in New York and I want to have a toddler in February in New York if they don't have to.

[330] I think there was a lot of resentment that I was, in his mind, off in New York, doing my thing and living my life.

[331] And he was a stay -at -home dad.

[332] That was tricky.

[333] It was really tricky.

[334] But he communicated that with me. And, of course, I was angry at him for communicating it with me because I was like, well, that just makes me feel guilty.

[335] But then, like, when he was holding it in, I was like, you're not telling me things.

[336] What do you have said about?

[337] And he told me, it was like, well, that means, it's like, I mean, it was a lose -lose.

[338] And then someone stops you on the street and asks for a picture.

[339] Yeah, exactly.

[340] And they got the wrong show.

[341] All the time.

[342] Family guy.

[343] Family guy.

[344] Ironically, Roseanne once.

[345] Oh, my.

[346] I was like, now how do we get here?

[347] I got that.

[348] I know what it is.

[349] It's Ted Bundy.

[350] It's Ed, not Ted Bundy, Jesus Christ.

[351] They confuse married with children for Rosanne.

[352] Yep.

[353] Is that what it is?

[354] They were anchored into, yes, L. Bundy.

[355] That's my guess.

[356] Wow.

[357] Because where the fuck else is that come from?

[358] Oh, my God.

[359] You know what I got the other down the street?

[360] I think the guy was drunk.

[361] But he called me Tyler Perry.

[362] Oh, wonderful.

[363] Tyler Perry.

[364] Wow.

[365] I was like, I know where you got the Tyler.

[366] from, but everything else is wrong.

[367] Tyler, Jesse Perry.

[368] Jesse Tyler Moore.

[369] That's interesting.

[370] And yes, I relate to all those dynamics with the parent team.

[371] I'm actually a control freak.

[372] So if Kristen goes away to work, I'm like, okay, time for the scientist to prove all of his theorems.

[373] I bet I can get him on this schedule.

[374] So I'm almost like, yeah, keep going.

[375] It's great.

[376] Because I'm in my workshop with my theory that I'm a perfect father, if left to my own.

[377] Wow.

[378] And how does that work out for you?

[379] Kristen cut back to like these robot children.

[380] Oh, they're great.

[381] They can make watches.

[382] I met your, I think, oldest daughter when they were hiking in Griffith Park.

[383] And she is very funny.

[384] Oh, thank you.

[385] The tall, lanky one, I imagine.

[386] Yes.

[387] She was like, mother, who are these strangers?

[388] She's just like, whole acts.

[389] The little one doesn't hike because she's cool.

[390] Well, she don't do anything for longer than 12 minutes, I guess is the thing.

[391] I've taken her on many hikes and I've turned around on all of them.

[392] I just love her.

[393] Yeah, she's pretty great.

[394] What age did you move to Albuquerque when I was one, born in Missoula, Montana, and then we moved to Albuquerque when I was very young.

[395] Okay.

[396] And then very young, you decided you want to be an actor.

[397] There was no theater program in my school.

[398] And so I asked my mom if I could join the children's community theater program.

[399] And so I started doing that when I was pretty young, eight or nine.

[400] I went to Catholic schools my whole life.

[401] And they were just very focused on sports.

[402] And there was just nothing for me. I was an indoor kid.

[403] I did not want to play sports.

[404] In fact, my dad tried to get me to play soccer when I was a kid.

[405] And no one had explained the rules of the game to me. They were just like, just go.

[406] And I just remember hating it.

[407] And on our very first game, we were all running out to the field.

[408] And I tripped a verse sprinkler and the entire team ran over me. Oh, no. They ran over me. You got trampled?

[409] I got trampled by my own soccer team.

[410] So I was like, I'm not doing this anymore.

[411] I had like a bloody lip.

[412] So they just like took me to the orange slices and like, let me sit out the rest of the game.

[413] So anyway, I was looking for any.

[414] outlet for myself.

[415] Also, I wanted to find my people and I just fell in love with actors and the theater community.

[416] Even as a young kid when I was doing some of these community theater productions, I knew, oh, that guy's gay.

[417] He's really cool and really sweet.

[418] I could see myself in him like that.

[419] I would like to grow up to be like that person.

[420] So it was just very important for me to be around that community.

[421] And it extends to this day.

[422] The artistic community and the Broadway community and just theater community in general is just, they're so meaningful to me. I mean, I just admire and respect theater actors so much.

[423] I really found my wings there.

[424] I had this very bizarre thought this morning in thinking about your story because I was listening to the podcast you're here to promote.

[425] And I was thinking about DOMA getting struck down.

[426] Then I was thinking about the evolution of acceptance of LGBTQ.

[427] And I was thinking, in the utopia, you're at school and no one gives a fuck.

[428] Do you need to find your community?

[429] Does the theater community weirdly suffer?

[430] It's been such a safe haven.

[431] Even if you didn't have maybe acting aspirations, you might be involved in the theater in some capacity.

[432] Like, it's just a curious question.

[433] I wonder what impact this evolution has on that.

[434] Have you ever thought about that?

[435] Not really.

[436] I mean, this is the first time I thought about that?

[437] Is this the end of Broadway?

[438] Are you killing Broadway?

[439] Good Lord, I hope not.

[440] My God.

[441] We interviewed Sedaris one time, and he says, move.

[442] Move out of your small town.

[443] That's what I say.

[444] Yeah.

[445] Move to New York.

[446] But it is a curious question if you had no motivation to leave.

[447] I think theater saved me for sure.

[448] I moved to New York when I was 17 years old right out of high school, and I thank my parents for allowing me to do that because, you know, they didn't have to.

[449] They could have said absolutely not.

[450] You're going to stay here in Albuquerque and go to college here.

[451] But they just knew that that's what I had to do.

[452] And it truly saved me. And I had the luxury of knowing that I had something.

[453] Like I went to school.

[454] You know, I went to the American Musical and Dramatic Academy.

[455] And that was in New York.

[456] So I had somewhere to land.

[457] And I had a group of people that were sort of waiting there with open arms.

[458] But I think all the time about kids who don't have that.

[459] don't have something specific that would motivate them to move out of a city that they felt isolated in.

[460] Well, yeah, think about this.

[461] If you're a kid that doesn't have any Broadway dreams, but you definitely want to get yourself to New York or San Francisco or something, you got to tell your parents, I got to go to New York or San Francisco, and you don't even have that built -in reason.

[462] What did those kids do?

[463] I don't know.

[464] I also give the same advice that Sedaris gives.

[465] It's like, you've got to find your people.

[466] It's easier now with social media, for the good and bad of it.

[467] There is a way to sort of reach out and find a community of people and it does connect people and that is part of the positive of social media and i certainly connect with a lot of people who are feeling isolated or hopeless it is a way to you know at least just talk through things with people when it gets down to it you have to like figure out if i'm to flee or stay motivation's key and so many people don't have that it's hard i have the same fears just so you know that when we finally get a handle on the in -home violence perpetuated by fathers who's going to join motorcycle gangs they might be gone yeah that's really really And when fathers stick around, like, strip clubs, I don't know.

[468] Maybe they become a thing of the past.

[469] Don't say that.

[470] I don't even want to live in a world without strip clubs and motorcycle gangs.

[471] I've never felt farther away from you than I do right now.

[472] You got yourself in, I would say, a play musical that no one would have bet on Putnam County Spelling Beat.

[473] I can't imagine that thing was well -funded.

[474] There were no stars.

[475] No. You get in this little rinky -dink production.

[476] It was.

[477] Yeah.

[478] And it takes the world by storm.

[479] and it gets nominated for six Tonys, that's relevant, I think, to your story.

[480] Because it's happened three times for you, whether you want to admit it or not.

[481] Well, I have had a very fortunate career.

[482] But I will take you back, though, when I was in Albuquerque and doing community theater, I was never given a speaking role.

[483] I was always in the ensemble.

[484] God bless the ensemble.

[485] We all need them.

[486] But I had no confidence about my ability to speak on stage.

[487] And my very first opportunity was given to me at the age of 21 when George C. Wolf, who's a fantastic director, put me in his production of On the Town, which started at Delicourt Theater and then moved to Broadway.

[488] But I was one of the three main sailors on the town, the part that Frank Sinatra played in the movie.

[489] And it was the first time I'd ever been even allowed to speak lines on stage.

[490] And so he gave me that confidence.

[491] And then after that, I did nothing until Spelling Bee.

[492] Well, I did little things here and there.

[493] It was a long time before Spellingby happened.

[494] And it did hit big.

[495] And it was a really exciting thing.

[496] But, you know, there was a lot before that.

[497] I had to do a lot of work on myself to build my confidence up just because no one ever gave me. The wherewithal.

[498] When I was in school, there was different groups, and there was like A, B, C, D, and F. The A group, you could just tell when you saw them and you heard them saying they were the class that we believed in.

[499] And I was in group D. Oh, Jesus.

[500] Was it in descending order?

[501] Yes.

[502] Oh, my God.

[503] This is evil.

[504] This is evil.

[505] They would say, like, oh, no, it doesn't mean anything.

[506] But you would look at these kids and they're like, oh, it absolutely means things.

[507] Yeah.

[508] The name us A if it doesn't mean shit.

[509] Exactly.

[510] Oh, that would be a great social experiment.

[511] It would.

[512] To actually call.

[513] Get the shittiest kids divide them and reverse.

[514] Truly.

[515] I'm going to do that.

[516] Even in school, I was not given a lot of tools to build my confidence.

[517] So it took me kind of having to believe in myself and say, you know, I'm going to just put myself out there.

[518] And obviously, opportunities were given to me in a really beautiful way.

[519] I agree with you so much.

[520] Mind you, I didn't go to acting school.

[521] So I don't really know that experience.

[522] But I was in the groundlings, which is very similar.

[523] At least I was on stage a lot.

[524] You can't study your way into being confident.

[525] Like, you got to be either A in front of a. audience.

[526] Are you going to be in front of cameras?

[527] Maybe once a generation, someone's sidesteps that whole thing.

[528] But just to learn to be confident in front of either of those things is a practice.

[529] For sure.

[530] To have like 11 year run on Modern Family, what a great way to ramp up and figure your shit out.

[531] I got to do that every day for 11 years.

[532] I exited that experience, a completely different person and artist than I was when I walked into it.

[533] Talk about confidence building.

[534] My God, that show really did a lot for me in that department.

[535] Yeah.

[536] So after Putnam County, I mean, I know you're on a show for a minute.

[537] In between but again, back to our forgettable pizza dinner.

[538] I'm not sitting there going, oh, this guy's probably on the next Seinfeld.

[539] Who would ever think that?

[540] Right.

[541] I'm sure you've been in the same situation.

[542] We're like, can I show you?

[543] I got a DVD of my pilot.

[544] And everyone's like, oh, God.

[545] Oh, Jesus Christ.

[546] Okay, yeah, let's put it on.

[547] Let's put it on.

[548] All right, 30 minutes, whatever.

[549] It's not been mixed.

[550] It hasn't been color corrected yet.

[551] Oh, good.

[552] It's going to look even shittier and sound shittier than the eventual shitty product.

[553] But I do remember my friends saying, we watched it and, like, we were not wanting to watch it.

[554] And when it stopped, like, oh, my God, that's the next big thing.

[555] You know, I was so confident about it.

[556] I just knew it was great.

[557] Yeah.

[558] Okay, should have also mentioned this.

[559] He'll be mad at me because he's an avid listener.

[560] I originally lived with Anthony Lombardo.

[561] Oh, no way.

[562] Yeah, yeah.

[563] Yes, and then moved on to Rachel.

[564] But when I lived with Anthony, he was a PA on that first season.

[565] That was his first job in the industry.

[566] And he was like, I think it's really good.

[567] And I was like, okay, sure.

[568] I guess we'll watch it.

[569] And I was like, it is really good.

[570] And the pilot was so good.

[571] The pilot was really strong, yeah.

[572] Did Burroughs direct it?

[573] No, no. I mentioned him before because I did the class with him, which was a show I did before Modern Family.

[574] And I adore him.

[575] I mean, he's great.

[576] But Jason Weiner directed the pilot of Modern Family.

[577] It was sort of his first big thing.

[578] He directed a few other things, but it was a big opportunity.

[579] And that actually made me really nervous because he was a contemporary.

[580] He was like my age.

[581] And I was like, oh, God, I don't know.

[582] We're giving this newbie a shot at this great script.

[583] He's going to ruin it.

[584] And he was great.

[585] A lot of pieces came together.

[586] You were projecting your fears about yourself.

[587] Yeah, yeah.

[588] That's right.

[589] Yeah.

[590] Just an incredible run and a great show.

[591] 250 episodes I added up today.

[592] I love that you added it up.

[593] It's probably on Wikipedia.

[594] You really were like 24 this season plus 26 this season plus 22 this season.

[595] Well, I can tell you there's like five, six seasons that were 24, so I times those.

[596] Okay.

[597] And then I did add manually the four seasons that did at 22 and then the last season at 18 that I added.

[598] He likes to do math.

[599] listen, I went to the modern family page.

[600] It doesn't say that anywhere.

[601] Oh, interesting.

[602] Okay.

[603] It was en route to calculating your total earnings over time.

[604] So, uh, did you ever watch Friday Night Lights?

[605] I did.

[606] But to your point, there were people that started on that show.

[607] That was their first time ever.

[608] And just given the safety of that format, the encouragement, they gave them a lot of ownership over it.

[609] People became incredible actors.

[610] Like, I don't think I've ever seen arc of actual skill in a cast the way I did with that one.

[611] By the end, Taylor Kitch was brilliant.

[612] And Jesse Plemons?

[613] Oh, Plemons.

[614] I mean, oh, I love them.

[615] When life gives you Plemons.

[616] Make Plemonade.

[617] Okay, now, you'll find this tacky.

[618] I don't want to have it in a tacky way.

[619] I want to have it in a kind of a spiritual overarching way, which is you guys famously friends did it.

[620] Better than that.

[621] They actually had to sue and say, we've gone over the seven -year rule.

[622] It went to litigation.

[623] We love suing.

[624] I happen to know one of the lawyers on that team just randomly.

[625] I'm friends with someone who actually was on.

[626] that thing.

[627] But when that happened and you start computing, wow, there's going to be a windfall of money in my life.

[628] There's so many arcs to that feeling.

[629] And I'm interested in what your journey of that has been.

[630] I mean, I can tell you personally, when those things have happened to me, it's like first feelings, lottery, no way, not me, how could I?

[631] And then there's safety.

[632] And then there's some slight return to fear, because that's a very abstract thing to happen to a human being that doesn't invent something.

[633] Right.

[634] I really tried to make peace with it, let the people who do that do their thing.

[635] It's hard because you do get invested.

[636] And there certainly were different cast members more invested than others in that process.

[637] And certainly people who had been in the business longer, like at O 'Neill was coming at it from a different perspective because I've been through this before and this is what I think I deserve.

[638] But at the end of the day, it was this huge thing for this network and they make so much money off of it.

[639] We have to like see that trickle down to the faces of this program and going back to like not wanting anyone to dislike me. We basically went on strike for a little while.

[640] Like we didn't show up to a table read.

[641] And our writers were furious with us.

[642] That was really rough.

[643] That was not easy.

[644] This guy did an oral history of modern family.

[645] And I learned so much reading this book about the making of the show.

[646] That stuff I had no idea was going on.

[647] He covered that whole thing with the renegotiation.

[648] And it was just interesting to hear the perspectives of the other actors and the writers.

[649] But it's also a business.

[650] You know, they always say it's not called show fun.

[651] It's called show business.

[652] Coming from theater, I feel like theater is show fun.

[653] Here I am in like crazy weird Hollywood where it is a business.

[654] and you're a commodity.

[655] It's just a different ball game and you just have to like trust that this is what needs to get done.

[656] Well, I've been in fights defending like Shaquille O 'Neal would have gotten some huge contract.

[657] The perspective was, does he deserve that much to play basketball?

[658] And my thought was always, well, does Jerry bust the guy who's not even playing basketball deserve it?

[659] Someone's walking away with hundreds and hundreds of millions of dollars.

[660] That's the conversation.

[661] Who deserves it?

[662] So, yeah, in a show like that one, which it's in writing, You already know, you're making tons of episodes, it's going to be syndicated.

[663] There's going to be a multi -billion dollar property.

[664] Who deserves that piece of that pie?

[665] I'm an actor, so of course I feel this way, but there's no way you guys shouldn't be a significant portion of that.

[666] Right.

[667] Also, something I really did appreciate is that it was a favorite nation situation.

[668] We all got paid.

[669] Not the beginning.

[670] Ed was always making more money than any of us.

[671] He even took a deduction, right?

[672] Yeah, I think he and Sophia took a deduction, so we could come up and sort of start on this even playing ground.

[673] So I think that was also just a testament to how good those people were.

[674] And, like, we all really cared about one another.

[675] And it wasn't this sort of thing.

[676] Like, people were thinking, oh, I've been in this business longer.

[677] I deserve more.

[678] I mean, it was Eric Stone Street's first thing.

[679] I had done one thing before.

[680] And then you have Ed O 'Neill, who's been on television for 500 years.

[681] And we all wanted to have parity.

[682] We all wanted to be together and support each other on that.

[683] But again, you were aiming at Broadway.

[684] So I don't know who the richest Broadway performer of all time is.

[685] I never imagined having that opportunity to make money that I can really be set for a while and not worry about things because you're right.

[686] I did want to do Broadway.

[687] And, you know, you can get paid.

[688] paid well, but it's not money that you're going to be able to stop working for two decades.

[689] Right.

[690] Yeah.

[691] Okay.

[692] So, for lack of a better word, you win.

[693] And it kind of gets charted out how this will look if it continues.

[694] And then you just heard I love doing mass. So me, I'd be like, okay, if it goes seven years, I'm making this.

[695] Yeah.

[696] So you just start kind of, I would imagine all the permutations of what you might be walking away with.

[697] Initially, are you like, oh my God, that's off my plate.

[698] Like, I am safe.

[699] I didn't worry about like if I want to go have a nice dinner, like think like, do I deserve this?

[700] I would stop thinking about that.

[701] I would just allow myself to have a nice dinner.

[702] Obviously, I had just met Justin, my husband when the show started.

[703] So we were able to buy a house together.

[704] I thought I want to get the house that I want to live in.

[705] I don't want it to be something I'm settling on.

[706] Like, I wanted to be the right place.

[707] Those big purchases are scary, but I allowed myself to not be too scared by them.

[708] Even now, and especially with this pandemic, when everyone stopped working for a while.

[709] I mean, there was a point where it was like, am I going to be okay?

[710] You feel like you're just hemorrhaging money and you don't have anything coming in.

[711] It's terrifying.

[712] And I am.

[713] I'm totally fine.

[714] I kept telling Justice, It's like my work, it will come back, we'll be fine.

[715] Like, it's going to be weird for a few years.

[716] I know it's like playing with your mind that I'm just sitting at home.

[717] He's a lawyer.

[718] He went to law school, but he's actually been producing a little bit now.

[719] He's been producing some stuff on Broadway, and he's a philanthropist.

[720] All I know about him is he's taller than you from the photos I saw.

[721] You know so much.

[722] More handsome, too.

[723] He does a nice, thick mane of hair, huh?

[724] Yes, he does.

[725] Wow.

[726] Gorgeous, yeah.

[727] How tall is he?

[728] I think he's six, too.

[729] Oh, my God.

[730] Oh, wow.

[731] Congratulations to both of you.

[732] Okay, one last modern family question, because we were shooting parenthood at the same time as you guys were shooting Modern Family.

[733] And occasionally someone would come over that had just directed your show.

[734] I think between the two of us, we had the two nicest jobs in all of Hollywood because we were both on ensembles and we both shot really, really fast.

[735] I think Modern even shot twice as fast as us.

[736] Oh, and also wasn't Craig offered our show first?

[737] Yes, I didn't know if you knew that.

[738] I did know that and turned it down and then came back to Ed and then Ed was like, well, no, you got to pay me more money.

[739] Oh, my God, yes.

[740] He and I would talk.

[741] I constantly would be like, you must be upset.

[742] I mean, just financially, you have to be upset.

[743] Like, you would have made 20x what you've made on parenthood.

[744] He would go, no, I love this role.

[745] Yeah, it was great on your show.

[746] My God.

[747] I love him to death.

[748] He must have driven him fucking nuts on some level.

[749] A little bit.

[750] Even if he doesn't want to admit it.

[751] Yeah, for sure.

[752] Yeah.

[753] for more armchair expert, if you dare.

[754] We've all been there.

[755] Turning to the internet to self -diagnose our inexplicable pains, debilitating body aches, sudden fevers, and strange rashes.

[756] Though our minds tend to spiral to worst -case scenarios, it's usually nothing, but for an unlucky few, these unsuspecting symptoms can start the clock ticking on a terrifying medical mystery.

[757] Like the unexplainable death of a retired firefighter, whose body was found at home by his son, except it looked like he had been cremated, or the time when an entire town started jumping from buildings and seeing tigers on their ceilings.

[758] Hey listeners, it's Mr. Ballin here, and I'm here to tell you about my podcast.

[759] It's called Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries.

[760] Each terrifying true story will be sure to keep you up at night.

[761] Follow Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries wherever you get your podcasts.

[762] Prime members can listen early and ad -free on Amazon Music.

[763] guys, it's your girl Kiki, and my podcast is back with a new season.

[764] And let me tell you, it's too good.

[765] And I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest, okay?

[766] Every episode, I bring on a friend and have a real conversation.

[767] And I don't mean just friends.

[768] I mean the likes of Amy Polar, Kell Mitchell, Vivica Fox.

[769] The list goes on.

[770] So follow, watch, and listen to Baby.

[771] This is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcast.

[772] But yeah, you guys have the nicest work schedule, at least rumored to you'd get out at lunch all the time and stuff.

[773] I've had a very hard time returning to a normal television show.

[774] I've done it a couple times.

[775] It's very hard for me. And I just wondered, do you think you're permanently fucked having had 11 years on that show?

[776] It was a very cushy schedule on these rare days where I have to do like one scene or something.

[777] And I would come in at 6 .30 the morning.

[778] I'd be camera ready by, you know, 7 .30.

[779] And I would shoot my scene.

[780] And I would be driving home in morning rush hour traffic.

[781] Oh, my gosh.

[782] And then I had a whole day to do whatever I wanted.

[783] wasn't certainly every day, and there were certainly very long days.

[784] And for some reason, we slowed down as we kept running.

[785] We just took more time.

[786] And even Ed, who, you know, again, has been in this business forever, was like, I have never experienced a job that has been this easy to work on.

[787] And I don't think I'll ever well again.

[788] I think that we're really, really spoiled.

[789] I listened to that.

[790] I definitely really relished in the fact that this was something incredibly unique.

[791] And in that vein, will you return to a television series?

[792] I think the right one.

[793] When Modern Family started, these streaming platforms did not exist.

[794] I remember my very good friend Leah Delaria, she's like, I'm doing this show for Netflix called Orange is a New Black.

[795] I'm like, oh, God bless you.

[796] What is that, a web series?

[797] Oh, my God, Netflix, the DVD place, but it's like the 7 -Eleven, like, oh, Lord Almighty.

[798] None of these platforms existed before Modern Families.

[799] I'm so excited by them.

[800] All this stuff I really love is on these streaming platforms.

[801] I also love that we're not doing these 22, 24 episode seasons.

[802] Like, the writers can really focus on great writing and Fleabag with what?

[803] six episodes and it's perfect it's perfect it is I mean I want more but yes but that's the dream because then you can be around Beckett and then you got a new baby a new baby coming in November November yeah thank you total surprise total surprise we're not expecting it yeah an accident yeah total accident yeah now after modern family you go back to Broadway and now here's your third what are you eating a sucrette's what's sucrette what's that's a grandmother meant yeah It's like a Worthingtons original.

[804] Yes.

[805] The Worthingtons original of cough drops.

[806] Steeped in history, yeah.

[807] This is a nicotine, man. Oh, gotcha, gotcha.

[808] Say it again, what was sucretz?

[809] Sucrates.

[810] That's got to be a French word, right?

[811] It's S -U -C.

[812] Bonjour, sucrates.

[813] Oh, bonjour, louis.

[814] You go back to Broadway and basically Putnam, you won your high school championship.

[815] And then fucking modern family's like 10 NBA titles.

[816] And then you go back to Broadway.

[817] I would say a risky endeavor.

[818] I'm going to parallel it with once I got offered to do Fletch in a remake.

[819] Favorite movie, probably my favorite comedy.

[820] No way.

[821] Don't want to touch it, yeah.

[822] Yeah.

[823] How do you do it better than he did it?

[824] And how would I not end up just inadvertently doing him?

[825] It would be impossible.

[826] Right.

[827] Oh, yeah.

[828] And these are things that you wrestle with.

[829] So take me out is the play.

[830] And it had been out 20 years before and it had been nominated for Tonys.

[831] And then the character you play Mason Marzac was also, I assume nominated.

[832] And he won.

[833] Dennis O 'Hara played the original part, won the Tony for Best Featured actor in a play.

[834] And I saw it three times, mostly because of his performance.

[835] When I was offered the role, I picked up the script.

[836] I hadn't read it in a while.

[837] And I can't remember what I had for breakfast yesterday, but his line readings came back to me. I was like, oh, no, this is not good.

[838] How do I carve out my own version of this guy?

[839] And it was really hard and terrifying.

[840] And also, going back to the chatboards, I shouldn't have read, I read people saying, he's not as good as DeS O 'Hare.

[841] And I was like, of course I'm not.

[842] Like, hell, who's ever going to be as good as that?

[843] I never proclaimed to be.

[844] I didn't want to be.

[845] But the play meant so much to me, and the writing is so, so superb.

[846] It's a gift to any actor who is lucky enough to say those words.

[847] And so I had to do it.

[848] And I'm also looking for things that scare me, especially after being on something that I was so secure in for 11 years, I showed up and I played basically a version of myself for 11 years.

[849] So I really wanted to get out of my comfort zone and trying to figure out how to make this guy my own after someone really put their mark.

[850] on it was the right challenge for me so and then i got a tony award for it yes oh my he's almost no no he got nominated five times but he never won it at me i'm a loser five times over and that was also when i went into the tony's was like i have lost big awards many times it's not going to be me again this will be my career i'm just going to always be nominated and ever win is a kid i love the tony awards it meant so much to me and to have it come from that community that i love so much that really, I feel like saved my life, was, you know, really impactful.

[851] Listen, I would love an Emmy Award someday, but, like, I cannot imagine that it would have the same impact on me that the Tony's did.

[852] Well, it doesn't sound like you were ever dreaming of an Emmy.

[853] No, no, I never even thought I would ever be on TV.

[854] I dreamt of a Tony Award, for sure.

[855] Yeah.

[856] Oh, that's lovely.

[857] You picked the right one to win for you.

[858] Did you ever have a vision board?

[859] No. Okay.

[860] No, too much work.

[861] Most winners don't have.

[862] That's not true.

[863] I had two vision boards.

[864] I pulled them out recently and a lot of stuff is checked off.

[865] Monica has an Emmy.

[866] She's the only one here that's got an Emmy, so she can speak on you, Monica.

[867] All right.

[868] Julie Bowen, her son broke her Emmy.

[869] She has two Emmys.

[870] Her son broke the Emmy.

[871] And so the ball part that the Emmys holding snapped off.

[872] It was sort of just hanging on the wings for a while.

[873] And then her wrap present to me at the end of the series, she gave me her ball.

[874] And she was, I feel like you should have gotten one of these.

[875] It was really sweet.

[876] So I have a piece of an Emmy.

[877] I love you.

[878] And then she asked for it back after I got to Tony.

[879] She's like, well, now can I have my ball back?

[880] Okay, similar to the Ed O 'Neill, Craig T. Nelson thing, Hayes was going to play this role.

[881] Sean Hayes originally.

[882] Yours?

[883] Not on Modern Family, but didn't take me out, yeah.

[884] Oh, got it.

[885] Also, on Modern Family.

[886] Let's just start that rumor.

[887] I will tell you who the prototype was for my character that was Tony Hale.

[888] Oh, he would have been so much better.

[889] He is so good.

[890] I set him up for it.

[891] I heard it coming from a mile away.

[892] Yeah.

[893] See, this is because of the pizza party.

[894] It is.

[895] One of the Emmys that I did not win went to Tony Hale.

[896] Of course, of course it did.

[897] They all should go to Tony Hale.

[898] We have a special.

[899] I hate you.

[900] See, this is why I remember Jesse from that pizza thing is we have a fun, playful banter.

[901] Tony is especially nice.

[902] As you probably know.

[903] Oh, my God, he's such a great guy.

[904] Yeah, we're going to find out he killed somebody soon enough.

[905] I bet.

[906] I'd still stand behind him.

[907] Yeah.

[908] Okay, so back to Sean Hayes.

[909] So he was originally going to do this and then maybe scheduling or whatever happened.

[910] I think it was a scheduling thing because when they offered me the part, I knew that he had been workshopping it.

[911] And I said, oh, no, no, that rule's already been offered.

[912] I was like, no, no, no, no, that's not, that's already been cast.

[913] That's because you wanted to take the home makeover offer because you got them on the same day, right?

[914] That's right.

[915] The day I was offered to be the new host of Extreme Makeover Home Edition that HGTV did a reboot of.

[916] I got the offer to do take me out.

[917] When they told me about the HGTV thing, I was like, I'm an actor.

[918] I don't want to be seen as a reality show person, but this show's really great.

[919] It gives back to the community.

[920] I would love to do it, but at the same time, I don't want to be seen as, oh, now he's doing reality TV.

[921] That's where I'm at.

[922] Is that where you're at?

[923] Yeah, I've done a lot of hosting now, but who cares?

[924] I do feel like now we can kind of relax a little bit, and I feel like there's space in this industry for people to do multiple things.

[925] I'm very good friends with Liz Banks, and she's hosting game shows.

[926] Alec Baldwin, Jimmy Fox.

[927] Exactly.

[928] We're not as good as those people.

[929] What are we worried about?

[930] We're not.

[931] But yeah, I got those two offers on the same day.

[932] So it's like the universe was telling me to calm down a little bit.

[933] And you and Hayes are friends, right?

[934] Yeah.

[935] Is he furious?

[936] That role ended up winning?

[937] I haven't talked to him since I won the Tony.

[938] I hope it burns him up.

[939] I hope it burns him up so much.

[940] I want to talk to him about it.

[941] I'm going to actually reach out to him after this.

[942] Send him a picture of you holding it.

[943] I know, I know.

[944] In case you didn't see things that happened to me last week.

[945] What about you?

[946] But he's workshoping a new show that he started at The Good Men in Chicago and that's moving into New York next year.

[947] He's fantastic in it.

[948] So, you know, who knows?

[949] It could be him next year.

[950] Okay.

[951] Well, maybe he'll get sick and you can take over his role.

[952] Yeah.

[953] Can you imagine?

[954] Humans get sick.

[955] I don't know.

[956] We're not wishing ill on Sean Hayes.

[957] Okay.

[958] No, I love Sean.

[959] It's the same way I love Jesse.

[960] That's why it's fun to be able to brazmataz.

[961] I had no idea this whole thing until learning about you today, but there's nudity in this play.

[962] And some assholes filmed it and fucking released it.

[963] As a sex tape, kind of.

[964] And on the same day as their Tony Noms came out.

[965] That's right.

[966] Ayah.

[967] Who was nude, everyone?

[968] Most of the cast is nude, but the stuff that was leaked on the internet was Jesse Williams and his assistant partner, Michael Obeltenholzer, a shower scene, fully exposed.

[969] Yeah, it was really unfortunate.

[970] Now, what you did to support them was you had a very well -worded, well -written tweet about it.

[971] But I would argue what you should have done is posted some dick picks.

[972] Look if you really wanted to have some solid air.

[973] me too yeah this is me in my backyard doing lines yeah naked working on my line what was the tweet oh i didn't write the tweet down but it was basically like this is a really special safe place it has been for millennia and you just ruined it so go fuck yourselves basically because of the nudity we hired the people to the yonder pouches there's those pouches that you put your phone in and you unlock it at the end of the show so we were going to extra steps to really make sure that this would not happen and the actress felt safe it still happens so obviously someone had some sort of spy gear or you know a second camera i don't know i should hope that person feels really shitty i'm sure they sold it for a lot of money six thousand dollars what did those even go for how much could it go for that's what i want to know not modern family money i'll tell you that right now no you're right it's a double whammy a they violated a bunch of beautiful people putting themselves out there and then on top of it they had a price and it was probably not even a fucking retirement price what a weird thing to go to such lengths to do well and then also the audiences sort of changed a little bit after that you could tell that there were people who came of that on certain days it sort of like oh my god is there a bachelor at party here right now like that's what it sort of felt like oh wow and i kept thinking it's like they're gonna be so wildly bored with this two and a half hour play that has big thoughts and ideas and incredible language for this like three minute shower scene yeah but god bless and whatever personally because i'm a exhibitionist pervert if i knew a bridal shower came to watch me nude i'd be so pumped personally i'm just keeping it for myself i'm not saying anyone should have felt that way.

[974] I'd be in my shower saying, I'd be to look at, oh, my God, are those girls all wearing those weird tiaras and they're all dressed in the same t -shirt?

[975] I know they ain't here to learn about the first openly gay baseball player.

[976] They're here to my deck.

[977] Yeah.

[978] I think that's why you haven't won a Tony.

[979] Among many reasons.

[980] Your priorities are not.

[981] Right there.

[982] I got to pitch you something.

[983] And anyone that works at a studio, this is a public pitch.

[984] This is open source coding.

[985] You know what I think you should do?

[986] What's that?

[987] A, do you like when people say this?

[988] or do you hate it?

[989] Because generally comes from your family.

[990] It always makes me nervous, but finish your thought.

[991] Because you said you like to scare yourself.

[992] I think you should play John Wilkes Booth.

[993] Oh, he's being released from prison.

[994] Just kidding.

[995] Oh, my God.

[996] I believed him.

[997] What I got scared about is that you didn't know who John Wilkes Booth was.

[998] But Lee Harvey Oswald is getting released from prison.

[999] Oh, he is.

[1000] He is, yeah.

[1001] Pitch me, John Wilkes Booth.

[1002] But as you know, John Wilkes Booth was the most famous actor of the day.

[1003] He was a stage performer.

[1004] There's this great book about the two weeks.

[1005] after he shoots Lincoln, where he's on the run.

[1006] I love this.

[1007] It's a really great book.

[1008] And he's, like, hit out in this barn and he's been shot and all this stuff.

[1009] I saw Assassins.

[1010] Oh, wait.

[1011] Has already been a play?

[1012] It's a musical called Assassins, yeah.

[1013] Oh.

[1014] It focuses very little on that.

[1015] But there is a piece of him in the barn, yeah.

[1016] Okay.

[1017] The other interesting thing, people might not know about John Wilkes Booth.

[1018] He was Brad Pitt of that day.

[1019] He was, like, very famous actor.

[1020] I actually didn't know that.

[1021] That's crazy.

[1022] Yeah.

[1023] And he was able to get in and out of the theater easily because everyone knew him.

[1024] And he knew the stage really well.

[1025] And he knew everything about it.

[1026] It's just meta enough.

[1027] I like this.

[1028] Okay.

[1029] I'll think of the name of the book and the fact check is great.

[1030] Maybe he was not the Brad Pitt.

[1031] Maybe he was the Jesse Tyler Ferguson of back then.

[1032] Okay.

[1033] Or maybe the Tyler Perry.

[1034] I got to be honest.

[1035] He was more the Brad Pitt, George Clooney, though.

[1036] If he was really the Brad Pitt, they're just going to get Brad Pitt.

[1037] I kind of thought that too.

[1038] They're not going to.

[1039] Because you and I just pitched this.

[1040] The project's ever made without you as John Wilkes's booth.

[1041] But you look just dangerous.

[1042] enough for me, which I like.

[1043] I like that you see that in me. Yes, I do.

[1044] I do.

[1045] There's only, shut that fucking dog.

[1046] You know how I feel about dogs.

[1047] Right.

[1048] I know how you feel about dogs.

[1049] She already told you.

[1050] She told you her triggers, and now you're triggering her.

[1051] My son might be coming home with his babysitter, so that might be why he's excited.

[1052] Okay.

[1053] There's only a handful of people I won't fist fight.

[1054] One is, I will not fight a guy who immediately takes his shirt off because he's ruined so many shirts fighting.

[1055] He learned better.

[1056] Two, I won't fight a married guy at a bar because you're fighting his whole world.

[1057] It's not about you.

[1058] And three, I will not fight a redhead.

[1059] I have seen more fights in elementary and in junior high school or that redhead that was supposed to be the victim of the bowling, found a gear, an emotional gear, and be keen.

[1060] I don't have that, by the way.

[1061] You're going to, when you're playing John Wilkes Booth.

[1062] It's amazing.

[1063] Wait, what did you think, Dax was going to say?

[1064] Because you were predicting something, I feel like.

[1065] Or fearing.

[1066] I was nervous to hear about the pitch.

[1067] Oh, just in general.

[1068] And what did you think I was going to maybe do?

[1069] I was just worried that it's not going to be a very good idea.

[1070] So I'm really going to have to, like, work hard to not make that obvious.

[1071] Sure, sure.

[1072] And maybe that happened.

[1073] Maybe it happened.

[1074] You did a great job.

[1075] Maybe that did happen, right?

[1076] You just passed your audition for the role, the open source role.

[1077] Okay, you just said something great on Phelan.

[1078] You said a conversational cul -de -sac.

[1079] By the way, what a great term.

[1080] Julie Bowen taught me that.

[1081] Is it mean talking in circles?

[1082] It's a dead end.

[1083] Someone was coming to work on the show, and our makeup artist was a really big fan of hers.

[1084] And she goes, oh, I should tell her that I worked with her husband or something.

[1085] I don't even remember who the person was.

[1086] And Julie was like, and then what?

[1087] Then what, Jessica?

[1088] She was, that's a conversation coldestack.

[1089] You need a conversation highway.

[1090] They're going to be like, okay, great.

[1091] And then it's over.

[1092] That's not a conversation starter.

[1093] That's really funny.

[1094] And now just one thing I want to hear because you floated with it, but you didn't get to it on failing, which was, and I have so many of these, bad auditions, flopping.

[1095] And I guess my question was, do you either have like a really terrible audition story or have you ever been hired in shit canned?

[1096] I've had both of those experiences.

[1097] I don't think I've been hired and fired yet.

[1098] A lot of my really horrible audition stories, they echoed way back to early days.

[1099] Oh, I auditioned for Band of Brothers.

[1100] There was a lot of language, a lot of heterostrate language.

[1101] Sure, sure.

[1102] Aggressively heterostrate language.

[1103] Like, you know, let's talk about vaginas, but not using the V word, using the P word.

[1104] Plusy.

[1105] Yeah, plusy, yeah.

[1106] As I was saying this, I was like, this is what's happening in my head.

[1107] Just pussy, pussy, pussy.

[1108] Oh, girls, girls, tits, tits.

[1109] It's like, no one is buying at this.

[1110] There was no hunger behind the delivery.

[1111] There was no hunger behind it.

[1112] Like, mispronouncing the word pussy.

[1113] Pousay.

[1114] I was in a place where I was like, I'm a gay guy.

[1115] I'm still not totally comfortable with my role in this industry.

[1116] And here you are throwing me all this really hetero language.

[1117] It felt like I was back at gym class and it felt horrible.

[1118] Yeah.

[1119] Have you ever stopped mid -audition and just pulled up?

[1120] plug.

[1121] I did it once.

[1122] I did it in an audition for cats.

[1123] There was a regional theater production of cats.

[1124] I'm not a dancer and I remember learning this routine and just taking myself one line back, one line back, one line back until I was like right by the door and then I slipped out and I never came back.

[1125] Yeah.

[1126] Okay, good, good, good, good, yeah, yeah.

[1127] When they made the first fabulous four or whatever that superhero movie was, I auditioned for that and they had the audacity to not release the script.

[1128] It was too precious of a script.

[1129] So then the script sides I had were full of all this intergalactic.

[1130] jargon totally made up words I'm dyslexic I could barely read the words much less repeat them and I got about 12 lines into 40 in a monologue I was like the xeropactic sector of the um adrominous region is pro and dude I just stop in the way there I go gang thanks so much yeah sorry it didn't work out and then I just bailed I was like there's not a fucking chance in hell they're even gonna let me go again I was just stumbling my way through the sides trying to pronounce all these words with Zs and X's.

[1131] I think Chris Evans got it and he was brilliant.

[1132] Literal nightmare.

[1133] I've had that nightmare before.

[1134] I'm like showing up to audition and just not being able to say words.

[1135] It's terrible.

[1136] Okay.

[1137] Now, the reason you're here.

[1138] Well, to talk to us.

[1139] Feeling protective.

[1140] That was my intro.

[1141] Okay, so now you know who Jesse is.

[1142] This is a very interesting thing.

[1143] This is a narrative on Spotify.

[1144] It's a podcast, but it's a story.

[1145] It's called Gay Pride and, prejudice.

[1146] And how did you come to be involved in this?

[1147] I can't imagine you were out looking for a narrative podcast to be a part of.

[1148] No, but the writer, Zachary Grady, here's my son coming in.

[1149] Hi, bud.

[1150] I'm doing a podcast.

[1151] Get him over here.

[1152] Get him over here.

[1153] Kids love me. Let's let him look at my biceps.

[1154] That's terrifying with those tattoos.

[1155] The writer, Zachary Grady, is a very good friend of mine.

[1156] I've been a fan of his for a long time.

[1157] And he wrote this play Gay Pride and Prejudice.

[1158] It's basically a modern adaptation of Pride and Prejudice taking place right after the Supreme Court overruled Proposition 8.

[1159] Early as a pandemic, he said, I'm going to record this.

[1160] It's a podcast.

[1161] I'm going to do it in my basement.

[1162] And I want to release it for Pride of 2020.

[1163] I was like, hold up.

[1164] Let's shop this around a little bit.

[1165] Because it was very good.

[1166] We ended up having a little bidding war and landed with Gimlet and Spotify.

[1167] And then, you know, part of the deal was that I was going to take a role in the piece.

[1168] And it's a fun kind of quirky part.

[1169] And I listened to scripted podcast.

[1170] I enjoy them very much, especially, you know, being in Los Angeles and being in the car a lot.

[1171] I'm looking for anything to keep me stimulated.

[1172] I was an avid reader in New York.

[1173] And when I moved to L .A., I just kind of stopped.

[1174] So I'm always looking for something to keep me entertained and stimulated.

[1175] And so it was really cool to dive into that world.

[1176] It's kind of amazing what they can do in that space.

[1177] Yeah, it starts with a guy's giving a eulogy, a heartfelt eulogy, all of a sudden, phones start vibrating, calls are coming in, and it's been announced that DOMA was struck down, I kind of underestimated what an insane Bacchanalia that day was.

[1178] It was insane.

[1179] It was absolutely insanity.

[1180] It was one of those great moments in history.

[1181] I have the front page of the New York Times framed from that day.

[1182] Also, Justin and I worked really heavily in marriage equality, and we had a foundation that strictly revolved around raising funds for people in the trenches fighting for marriage equality.

[1183] So obviously, being gay and wanting to get married ourselves, it was something that was very near and dear to our hearts.

[1184] But I was talking to policymakers, we were going to sort of swing states for that policy and talking to the people that were making these decisions and showing our face.

[1185] Like, we represent people who want to be married and we deserve the same rights as everyone.

[1186] And when it passed, it just was very, very meaningful.

[1187] Being on modern family at the time, that show lived in the world that we are in.

[1188] They always wanted Mitch and can't be married, but they weren't going to do it until it was legal.

[1189] So the writers were calling Justin, who was working very closely on the Proposition A case and saying, do you think this is going to happen?

[1190] Do you think it's going to pass?

[1191] Because we really want to break these stories for Modern Family.

[1192] Jess was like, I think it's going to happen.

[1193] And he was working for the agency that was funding the Proposition 8 case.

[1194] And so he was actually at the Supreme Court celebrating when I was filming the episode of Modern Family where my character sees that marriage has passed.

[1195] On the computer screen were images of that day and Justin was in one of the clips.

[1196] Completely by accident.

[1197] I was like, wow, this is really amazing.

[1198] As I'm filming this TV show, I'm seeing my husband.

[1199] It was wild.

[1200] It was really special.

[1201] And it's really rare to get a victory in any of this.

[1202] Yeah.

[1203] And I mean, look, here we are.

[1204] We're in a much different place.

[1205] Things are not going great for a lot of civil rights right now.

[1206] It's a horrible war on women.

[1207] That thing, you take a few steps forward and then it's several steps back.

[1208] And all the activists who I admire and look up to always tell me that this is going to happen and that nothing comes for free.

[1209] And you can't rest on the achievements that you've won.

[1210] Like, you have to continue to fight for them.

[1211] So here we are.

[1212] We're still fighting.

[1213] Yeah, Kristen and I got to have dinner one night with Ted Olson, the lawyer that was a part of that.

[1214] I'm sure you've met him.

[1215] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1216] Really cool dude, right?

[1217] Really interesting guy.

[1218] Very interesting guy.

[1219] And so we were at this dinner, and as we're getting up to leave, a busboy came over to him.

[1220] It was at Crossroads.

[1221] That great vegan place, shut out.

[1222] And the dude came up to him, and he was already crying before he started talking to him.

[1223] Ted got to just receive that.

[1224] And we were walking out, and I said, I can't imagine all these Supreme Court victims.

[1225] you've had that that part happens a lot and he was like no it's really very special yeah i was really cool to witness and this busboy knew the lead council on now says how important is like you might have a cause or something you care about but to be that into it to be able to recognize this guy who's not famous it just said a ton it's like your happiness and future depends on that person it's a different thing absolutely what was it like when you would go to those purple states i guess and try to appeal to humanity.

[1226] What is their reaction to your face?

[1227] Always, we support you.

[1228] We also represent the entire state.

[1229] It's always more complex than we think it is.

[1230] It's like, I know what you're fighting up against.

[1231] I know what it is.

[1232] It's not that complex.

[1233] Yeah, exactly.

[1234] And, you know, even before Barack Obama came out in support of marriage equality, shortly before that, we were at one of the correspondence centers, and they put you in a line, you get to meet the president and the first lady.

[1235] And I introduced Justin as my fiancé, and Michelle said to me, she goes, are with you.

[1236] Nothing official has been said yet.

[1237] Just know that we are with you.

[1238] We're behind you.

[1239] We support you.

[1240] I know that a lot of things have to be put into play to make that announcement as the president of the United States.

[1241] So I truly believed him.

[1242] I was like, look, it's all going to happen in the right time.

[1243] So when he got criticism for like, why is he coming out in support of this so late?

[1244] I knew that he had my back before a lot of people did.

[1245] So I really valued that interaction with her.

[1246] Jesse.

[1247] Jesse?

[1248] Oh, boy.

[1249] Michelle and Sasha and Leah and I privately in our home.

[1250] We want to be.

[1251] We want to be a lot.

[1252] We want to be at that wedding we did invite them just on a whim they didn't show up after marriage passed I did get a photo of Obama and I that I had taken at some event and he had signed it it was very very meaningful yeah it happened it passed I told you like something to that effect I have to take up the photo to actually see what it said but that was very meaningful no apology in there though no apology sorry it took me so long six years late Michelle and Sasha and William Oh, God.

[1253] Dax has a beef with Obama because he likes the good place more than us than him.

[1254] That's what it boils down to.

[1255] Listen, listen, he was on the podcast.

[1256] And I'm on Dax's side.

[1257] Yeah, so what happened was he was on the podcast and then Spotify, he had a podcast and he's going to answer a question from some people on Instagram.

[1258] Would you want to be one of the questions?

[1259] So I write this very thoughtful question as a fellow gentleman without a father figure.

[1260] So he gets on to read it on Instagram.

[1261] I'm so excited to see.

[1262] this.

[1263] I'm making fun of Kristen, like, well, I guess this time it didn't go your way.

[1264] I guess Obama's going to be addressing me first.

[1265] And literally, this is how it is.

[1266] This next question is from Dax.

[1267] Shepard.

[1268] Before I answer your question, Dax, just want to see.

[1269] Michelle, Sasha, Malia.

[1270] We love your wife.

[1271] Kristen Bell on it.

[1272] Good place is, what a program.

[1273] Good place.

[1274] He talks for so long about how much he loves a good place that when he answers my question, it is not my question.

[1275] He had forgotten the question.

[1276] Yeah, he totally forgotten the question.

[1277] He just made up his own question.

[1278] answered that and I was like this bitch I sent it to Kristen I'm like you got another victory you got another victory but then he came on our show then he came on the show and he still loved her more she's pretty lovable I mean but look at these faces I thought I heard her speaking I got really excited wasn't her it was me my voice sounds kind of like hers but not nearly as good this has been a fun one We've been kind of burning each other.

[1279] I like it.

[1280] It's good to turn up the gas and burn one and all that every now and then.

[1281] Well, Jesse, I adore you.

[1282] Maybe in 10, 12 years, we can sit down and have another pizza again.

[1283] For you, it'll be the first time.

[1284] For me, it'll be my second pizza with you.

[1285] Everyone, check out gay pride and prejudice.

[1286] It's on Spotify now.

[1287] Jesse, Tyler, Perry, Ferguson.

[1288] We share a home.

[1289] Spotify.

[1290] Yeah.

[1291] We adore you.

[1292] Thanks for having me. You guys have a very, very healthy platform.

[1293] So this means a lot to me that you asked me to do this.

[1294] Oh, it's our honor Makes me feel fancy Knowing that I was on the same podcast as Obama Come on.

[1295] Even more important, Kristen Bell She was on it too How'd you get her?

[1296] She says no to everything So much fun, Jesse Take care, good luck with gay pride and prejudice And your new baby And your new baby Thank you, thank you, Monica And whatever your next fucking home run is You son of a bitch You son of a bitch By the way, if you ever pick a fight with me I'm going to cower in a corner Know that I'm easily knocked down No, you have a double whammy.

[1297] You're married and Redhead.

[1298] I'm out.

[1299] Yeah, okay.

[1300] All right.

[1301] Bye, brother.

[1302] All right, bye.

[1303] Stay tuned for more armchair expert, if you dare.

[1304] And now my favorite part of the show, the fact check with my soulmate Monica Padman.

[1305] Okay, so Big Brown's on its way.

[1306] Yeah, Big Brown will probably be pointing to the driveway right as we finish this.

[1307] And I am, it's like being reunited with a loved one who was off to war.

[1308] I mean, it's been, it's been half a year, maybe longer.

[1309] Were they changing anything noticeable?

[1310] Like, are you going to be able to run in and be like, oh, my God, the couch is upholstered?

[1311] Absolutely not.

[1312] And I hesitate to even get into it because I really like the gentleman that's been working on it for seven, eight months.

[1313] But it didn't work out.

[1314] What if everything's just slightly smaller?

[1315] It comes back.

[1316] It's a 32 -foot gas -operated front engine.

[1317] We tried to upgrade the lithium ion batteries, which are like, you know, in a Tesla or Kristen's bolt.

[1318] Oh.

[1319] Those last a ton longer than gel or lead batteries, which is what the bus currently ran on.

[1320] You know, it appears that they're not really there yet to bridge the gap between the batteries and all the different electronic systems that run the self -charging, turning on the generator.

[1321] So this poor man has been in a problem -solving box for so many months.

[1322] And we, I said, brother, I love you.

[1323] We got to leave.

[1324] Yeah.

[1325] So we had to go back to gel batteries, which he purchased and put in all with, okay, it's going to work out.

[1326] You're going to have the bus by Thursday to pack.

[1327] And then it was, it won't go on to drive.

[1328] The air suspension is now broken.

[1329] All this, got to give a huge shout out to four travel.

[1330] Tile, my dude at four travel.

[1331] I just, I sent a vulnerable.

[1332] We'll text like, I'm so afraid I'm going to tell my family we're not going on this trip anymore.

[1333] Can you pull out all the steps to help my mechanic?

[1334] That all happened.

[1335] Bus is back on the road.

[1336] And it's getting here.

[1337] Yeah, so it's been a long, twisty road.

[1338] Seriously?

[1339] Long twisty road.

[1340] Again, I love my mechanic.

[1341] I feel terrible for him that it's been this big of a struggle.

[1342] Well, what happened is you gave him a challenge that was exciting.

[1343] Can I be honest?

[1344] I didn't even give him the challenge.

[1345] This guy is so wonderful.

[1346] He was just doing his service on the bus.

[1347] He was doing the engine, oil filters and air filters.

[1348] And he said, you know, you should have, if you want, you could upgrade to the lithium batteries.

[1349] It would last eight times as long.

[1350] The generator wouldn't run as much.

[1351] And I was like, yes, that sounds like heaven.

[1352] He was being proactive.

[1353] Yeah.

[1354] He thought it was giving you a gift.

[1355] He was.

[1356] Yeah.

[1357] And then it didn't pan out.

[1358] No. Yeah.

[1359] And then we almost missed your trip.

[1360] You know, whatever.

[1361] Okay.

[1362] Yeah.

[1363] Okay.

[1364] Here we go.

[1365] Well, it's almost here and it's very exciting.

[1366] I just imagine he's going to.

[1367] Like, I saw him when he picked up the bus seven months ago or eight months ago.

[1368] I mean, a long time ago.

[1369] Yeah.

[1370] And he looked healthy.

[1371] I have my forecasting he's going to step out of the bus, like, down 100 pounds, half his hair falling out.

[1372] It's like a trauma.

[1373] Bloodshot eyes.

[1374] Pre -imposed his presidency.

[1375] Perfect analogy, yeah.

[1376] He'll have looked like an two -term president.

[1377] Oh, my God.

[1378] Oh, my God.

[1379] Well, I'm excited for you.

[1380] That's a big, exciting day.

[1381] It is, it is, it is.

[1382] That is like when I have pants arriving.

[1383] Yes.

[1384] Now, imagine, though, that you had been on the phone with the manufacturer of the pants, the distributor of the pants, the transportation of the pants.

[1385] They were wronged a dozen times throughout the eight months.

[1386] I mean, you'd really be pumped to get them pants.

[1387] I would.

[1388] I could see myself doing that for pants as well.

[1389] Absolutely.

[1390] You did more than that for a bow tie or whatever.

[1391] A belt.

[1392] Suspenders.

[1393] Suspenders.

[1394] I almost guessed a bolotie, but you know.

[1395] more of those yet.

[1396] No, but I know why you thought that, because Charlie has a Prada bolotai.

[1397] Ah, that might have been the conflation.

[1398] I think you were making a connection there.

[1399] We have a picture of him and his bolotai, me and my suspenders.

[1400] There we go.

[1401] And bolotai suspenders, those are both things I associate with men.

[1402] Sure.

[1403] That's what's fun about my suspenders.

[1404] Absolutely.

[1405] Now, I did see in a couple newty magazines when I was younger, occasionally a gal would wear suspenders, like on the cover to cover up the a ariolas.

[1406] Right.

[1407] And so I do have a little.

[1408] bit of that association too which is fun are they connected to the thong usually like a um or pubic hair and i don't know if i'm making this up but in my memory it's generally like a school girl skirt what do you call those kind of skirts yeah a uniform skirt with some suspendies over the ariola's that magazine's flying off the shelves i i know it in my head i know that image so yeah i ever told you my weird experience with dirty magazines i don't know i don't know what the normal trajectory are.

[1409] I feel like most of the kids where I grew up, they'd find a dirty magazine in the woods.

[1410] Oh my God.

[1411] People are just bearing in places?

[1412] I think they're out in the woods masturbating or something.

[1413] I don't know why they're out there.

[1414] Because you're looking at them in private.

[1415] Maybe some other kid too has his stashes in the woods.

[1416] You can't have them in the house because your mom's cleaning your room.

[1417] It's like those, what are they called?

[1418] Libraries on the street.

[1419] They're just like a box and people put books in, they take books out.

[1420] Honor system.

[1421] Honor system.

[1422] And this is like what boys do for each other.

[1423] They Barry porn.

[1424] I guess so.

[1425] My road to it was my Papa Bob, favorite man I've ever met my life.

[1426] Just sad about him the other day.

[1427] Oh, you missed him?

[1428] I missed him, and then I also, I thought about how fun it, and my dad, I thought about how fun it'd be to share all this with those guys.

[1429] Yeah.

[1430] Not just like the experience, but just like the, put him in a nice house.

[1431] You know, all that kind of stuff.

[1432] Anywho, that's neither here nor there.

[1433] Papa Bob.

[1434] had a subscription to Playboy, which was curious because they were Baptist and my grandma was a boss.

[1435] I told you double master's degree holder or Eulis.

[1436] She was a bad motherfucker.

[1437] But I think she gave Papa Bob this luxury.

[1438] He was a lot of bad.

[1439] Well, he was probably getting it for the articles.

[1440] You've heard me say this.

[1441] I was later getting it for the articles, truly.

[1442] I was not horny for any of the stuff happening in there.

[1443] But I did, it was a great public.

[1444] It's a hayday.

[1445] Anyways, my pup, Bob had this enormous stack.

[1446] You also never throw anything away.

[1447] There was like a fucking shoulder -high stack of the Playboys in the basement covered with something, right?

[1448] Of course, my brother and I found those.

[1449] So we would leave through them, whatever.

[1450] We had some interest in them.

[1451] But mostly what they became is we would always, right before my cousin Jamie would leave to get picked up by his mom and dad, Uncle Randy and Aunt Sue, we would hide a Playboy in his luggage.

[1452] so that he would get in trouble when his mother unpacked his suitcase.

[1453] Oh, my God.

[1454] A little mischievous rascleness.

[1455] Rascalness.

[1456] Something Rob would do.

[1457] Well, truth but told, it was my brother's game plan that I was just an accomplishing.

[1458] Sure.

[1459] So, okay, I have that, and this is kind of, there might even be a parenting lesson in here.

[1460] So I was allowed to have those playboys.

[1461] Like, I brought one home.

[1462] I remember my brother, I think, challenged me to look at it at the dinner table.

[1463] I was probably seven.

[1464] Oh, wow.

[1465] My mom saw it, and she didn't say anything.

[1466] And then my brother was like, aren't you going to yell at him?

[1467] And she said, well, there's another wrong one they get people.

[1468] I think she had this very progressive pot.

[1469] So I wasn't terribly interested in them.

[1470] I think maybe because it wasn't a secret.

[1471] Yeah.

[1472] So I had a little phase at seven of looking at him maybe.

[1473] And then I didn't care when I found them in the woods or whatever.

[1474] But then I got a job at 15 at a place called Sports Fab that made race cars.

[1475] And I worked with all 30 -year -old mechanics.

[1476] Yeah.

[1477] They were nasty.

[1478] They were nasty.

[1479] I think I told you, they were the ones that introduced me to all these.

[1480] this kind of, um, homosexual humor that men develop later in life, but I was too young for it.

[1481] They would tell me my ass look good and stuff.

[1482] Oh my God.

[1483] Yeah, like they, they were really fucking with me. Oh, no. And you had just been molested.

[1484] That'd have been a while ago.

[1485] Yeah, it was eight or nine years ago.

[1486] Um, I wasn't afraid they were going to rate me or anything, but I just was like, oh my God, that's a joke, but that makes me so uncomfortable.

[1487] But in the bathroom in the shop, there was the hardest core magazines.

[1488] Yeah.

[1489] I feel like you just told me. Yes.

[1490] And there's no attempt to hide They were just stacked on the back of the toilet.

[1491] And at 15, I never made it through a shift where I didn't go into that bathroom and look at them and then have to masturbate.

[1492] Of course.

[1493] Yeah.

[1494] And they had to have known.

[1495] Yeah.

[1496] You know?

[1497] Well, they were doing the same thing.

[1498] They were definitely doing the same.

[1499] Everyone there was spraying in that bathroom.

[1500] Oh, gross.

[1501] How clean was that bathroom?

[1502] Well, I'm the one who cleaned it, Robbie.

[1503] That was my job there.

[1504] They weren't asking me to, like, put on new fuel injectors or anything.

[1505] I was sweeping and moving pallets.

[1506] That does remind me just randomly.

[1507] That's kind of sim.

[1508] I thought, I don't know why.

[1509] It literally popped in my head.

[1510] Oh, I got like an email from UCB.

[1511] I think UCB is getting back up and running.

[1512] Oh, they were shut down?

[1513] Yeah, shut down for a bit.

[1514] Fuck, I didn't even know it.

[1515] So that's exciting.

[1516] Really exciting.

[1517] But it reminded me of when I interned there and then worked there, like cleaning the bathrooms.

[1518] They were so disgusting.

[1519] What's the worst thing you ever found?

[1520] Any pooty on the ground?

[1521] I had a feeling you wouldn't have done that.

[1522] No, hey, I'm a good worker.

[1523] I know you're a good worker, but I mean, I think you would have handled it.

[1524] Yeah.

[1525] But I think you would have been like, I'm going to call in someone for this.

[1526] No, I wouldn't have been able to as an intern or, no, I, one time there was a big leak of pee like all over the floor and I had to deal with that.

[1527] Okay, that's fine.

[1528] It's still gross on the carpet.

[1529] Oh, why was there carpet in the bathroom?

[1530] That's a bad idea.

[1531] No, outside the bathroom.

[1532] Oh, it carried out into the someone, wow.

[1533] Explain how that happened.

[1534] It was like there was an overflow of the toilet.

[1535] And then it got out.

[1536] Yeah, that makes sense.

[1537] And just a lot of urinal, what are they called?

[1538] Missedia.

[1539] No, they're called something.

[1540] Pucks.

[1541] The urinal mints?

[1542] Yeah.

[1543] Cakes, that's what I was thinking.

[1544] Cakes, pucks, mints.

[1545] I always had to replace them.

[1546] They always had pubic hair all over it.

[1547] I hated those things as a kid.

[1548] And I swear, I told you this.

[1549] I always thought I saw chunks of penis in there.

[1550] Like I always saw something that looked like a part of someone's penis fell off.

[1551] I don't know what it was, but I always was seeing it.

[1552] I was like, oh, fuck, toilet.

[1553] At the movie theater, someone shit on the stairs once when I worked there, and then in the women's bathroom, someone shit in the sink.

[1554] Okay, probably both emergencies.

[1555] Or do you think one, no, bandle on the stairs?

[1556] I think we found out it was an employee that did it on the stairs.

[1557] But still could have been an emergency, just like we learn in our Armshare Anonymous coming up.

[1558] Yeah.

[1559] Discruntled employee and or panicked employee.

[1560] Diaryia.

[1561] Honest Rias.

[1562] Yes.

[1563] I'm the guy, you know?

[1564] When Brie and I live together, we would divvy up the chores.

[1565] I was the clean, the bathroom person.

[1566] I'll scrub that toilet.

[1567] I'll just, I say, it's kind of like killing the grumblies on the counter.

[1568] I just go like, fuck it, man. You're about to get wild.

[1569] You're scrub with your hands in there.

[1570] And then you'll wash up at the end.

[1571] Right.

[1572] So let's just not even think about it and get to scrubbing.

[1573] But some people, they really are grossed out by getting into the commode.

[1574] Well, if you live with someone, it's not just your own.

[1575] Oh, I don't.

[1576] And again, we're all, it's like the time I woke up with the gale, a stranger, and one of us had peed the bed.

[1577] And of course, I'm sure we both thought each other had done it.

[1578] Yeah.

[1579] And it happened to Bree and I as well.

[1580] And likewise, if you see some duty spatter on the toilet, you're like, well, that's not mine.

[1581] I'm not an animal.

[1582] Oh, this is interesting.

[1583] Yeah.

[1584] I wonder what I wonder how I'll feel when I'm sharing a house with someone.

[1585] Because I clean up my own duty spatter.

[1586] Poodie.

[1587] But are you the type of, like, I would never, I would never discover my own.

[1588] I look after every time I go duty.

[1589] Exactly.

[1590] Yes, because I can't.

[1591] I'm too scared.

[1592] The idea that someone would walk in and see that.

[1593] But I'm regularly in my own household, I'm like, Jesus Christ, who got duty on the thing?

[1594] I mean, I have two little kids.

[1595] They don't care.

[1596] Exactly.

[1597] But a worst case scenario, I'll pin it on Kristen.

[1598] I'm like, I think she dutied.

[1599] But you don't really care about cleaning up her pooty.

[1600] Like, I wouldn't care about cleaning up.

[1601] A family members.

[1602] Yeah.

[1603] It's fine.

[1604] There's an ascending order or descending order.

[1605] It's like your kids, you know you signed up for that.

[1606] You don't explicitly sign up for that with a partner.

[1607] You do it because you love them and you don't want to shame them.

[1608] But it's a different category.

[1609] I might find it to be fun.

[1610] Oh, like, look what he left me. Oh, a little boy.

[1611] That's a naughty little rascal.

[1612] We'll have to see.

[1613] There's duties everywhere.

[1614] Oh, my gosh.

[1615] Speaking of, we have to declare our prompts for all.

[1616] Oh, okay.

[1617] For September.

[1618] Okay, so the first prompt will be, tell us about a time that you got caught masturbating in an inappropriate place.

[1619] Yep.

[1620] Okay.

[1621] Number two would be, tell us about a time you fought a wild animal.

[1622] And my fingers are crossed for this.

[1623] You know, just anecdotally, all the people in my life I've met, I only know, like, Nate fought a rattlesnake once.

[1624] Yeah.

[1625] Maybe we'll even call them.

[1626] That's a good story.

[1627] Yeah.

[1628] But that's so rare.

[1629] I know, I'm excited.

[1630] It's like meeting someone from Iceland.

[1631] Okay, so fighting a wild animal, masturbating an inappropriate place and getting caught, a time you save someone's life.

[1632] Yes.

[1633] We like this.

[1634] Yes.

[1635] Heroes.

[1636] And then back to the beauty because it was so fun for us.

[1637] Okay, so a time that you had a duty problem, Honest Rias or something, on a date.

[1638] Yep.

[1639] Oh, that's stressful.

[1640] Just saying that sentence is so stressful.

[1641] I mean, workplace was the most stressful stories I've ever heard in my life.

[1642] It was really scary.

[1643] And I got to imagine these are going to be right up there with that.

[1644] Yeah, and I hope, okay, like, you know, you can think outside the box.

[1645] I mean, don't think up a story outside the box, but it doesn't just have to be diarrhea.

[1646] Like we have a friend, I won't say who, a female friend who had a story where she was like on a vacation with a boy.

[1647] The plumbing wasn't ideal.

[1648] And it was like early into their relationship and he had like stepped out to get copy and she was like, now's my time.

[1649] She went, she pooped, no flushing.

[1650] Was it that or just a straight clog of the toilet?

[1651] Maybe it was no flushing.

[1652] Regardless.

[1653] I don't know.

[1654] The poop was there.

[1655] She had to dispose of it.

[1656] Yeah, she had to gather it up in her hands, put it in a bag and get rid of it.

[1657] There's another great one I heard.

[1658] There's like definitely third hand.

[1659] I don't think I know the person individually, but they had gone on a date with a girl in New York.

[1660] and they went to the Central Park and he realized, oh my God, I'm going to shit my pants.

[1661] So he acted like he had to go do a thing.

[1662] He went and or maybe even that's what it was.

[1663] He got loose in his shorts and he had to like cuff the bottom and quickly make up an emergency to leave.

[1664] In Central Park?

[1665] In Central Park.

[1666] Like my brother needs me or whatever it was.

[1667] Went home, dealt with it and was like, okay, now I want to resume this date basically called her.

[1668] Oh my God, that's over.

[1669] Can I come over?

[1670] Went over.

[1671] Sat down on her couch.

[1672] and then stood up maybe to do something, and she said, oh, no, what's on your pants?

[1673] He looks at his pants.

[1674] He has fucking poop on his pants.

[1675] He's like, oh, my God.

[1676] Oh, my God.

[1677] No, I didn't get it all.

[1678] Somehow it's on this outfit, blah, blah, blah.

[1679] And she immediately goes like, oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed.

[1680] I think you sat on my cat sometimes poops on the, it had just been a someone's an animal's poop, but he was about to lose his marbles.

[1681] Oh, wait, but do you think it was a cat poop?

[1682] or do you think she just, like, it all worked out with it.

[1683] Or she pooped and.

[1684] God, who knows who pooped.

[1685] She pooped and then blazed on the cat.

[1686] He thought it was him.

[1687] Yeah.

[1688] Oh, there are so many.

[1689] Even a other friend of ours farted in the car on a date and then there's poop on the car.

[1690] Yeah, went through the slacks into the brand new seats of the, yeah.

[1691] Not leather.

[1692] No. Not leather seats.

[1693] Oh, that was a rough one.

[1694] On a car being driven home from a sexual encounter.

[1695] That is rough.

[1696] Okay, so there's lots here.

[1697] There's lots here.

[1698] That'll be fun.

[1699] Yep.

[1700] A quick update that no one will care about, especially in lieu of that, it's enticing stuff.

[1701] There's something happening with the crows in my yard, and it's awesome.

[1702] This is my cast set, what's going on.

[1703] My yard's flooded with them right now, and bigger ones than normal.

[1704] And they've taken residence in my oak tree.

[1705] Generally, they live in two other trees.

[1706] They're in the oak tree right now.

[1707] The landmark.

[1708] The landmark.

[1709] And I was yesterday on the deck meditating.

[1710] I heard all this yelling, right?

[1711] And when I came out of my meditation, I started looking in the sky, and they were flying in pairs.

[1712] There was two, I don't know if they're dudes or not.

[1713] This is my assumption.

[1714] A pair of two birds, dudes, another pair of two dudes, and they kept fighting in the air.

[1715] I'm assuming some female crow is in heat or however that works, and that there's breedings on the table right now.

[1716] And we've got these kind of like brother pairs of crows that are battling it out for who's going to procreate.

[1717] That's what I think's happening.

[1718] And they fly from tree to tree and they get in the air and they collide and then they kind of twirling and they go back and they pair back up.

[1719] And then they let it's, yeah, it's like a nature show.

[1720] It's like fighter pilots because they have a top gun maverick.

[1721] Yeah.

[1722] Yeah, big time.

[1723] On their six and their three.

[1724] And I had a little moment check with my ego, probably because I had just finished meditating and I was in a better place spiritually.

[1725] Yeah.

[1726] I was watching them and I was like, why do you have to be friends with one?

[1727] Why can't you just enjoy this incredible opportunity and privilege that you get to watch these crows?

[1728] You're obsessed with crows.

[1729] Are you just obsessed with growing friends with one?

[1730] Or you obsessed with them and how beautiful and smart and creative and resourceful they are?

[1731] And the best part of me thinks it's the latter.

[1732] So I got to like, I'm going to let go of this thing that I got to befriend one.

[1733] I just have to enjoy them.

[1734] What a bounty I have.

[1735] I'm so lucky.

[1736] That's nice and healthy.

[1737] you could do both you could enjoy them and appreciate them and if one wants to be your friend that's great that's a bonus but I think I have been viewing it as a failure on my part every time I'm running I'm like I just can't because I was doing my crow call while they were yelling back and forth at each other in the trees I was getting in on it as I do I don't know why I think that's gonna can you do it deer all right it's kind of close to that it's good yeah and I'm just I'm not great at perfect replicating their noise but I latch onto their pattern and their rhythm and the meter and I can replicate that really good Yeah Just saw like three in the window That's what made me think of it Yeah they're in their big boys Do you think they heard this?

[1738] They heard you Oh wait do it again They're all just circling now Oh they start flying into the window So I think I want some of that All right they're back So they just landed again Do you see that up?

[1739] Whoa wait Did they come One's moving his head I saw one fly by That's probably not Anyways, I'm defeating the whole point I was making See now I'm trying to be brethren with them Yeah But anyways it was in the middle of that And then it kind of taints my enjoyment of them Because I think I'm failing Like I've put out the wrong food I've put the food fucking everywhere around here They don't want my food And And then I feel like a failure I have tried The ground up chicken My favorite chicken Costco and a canned chicken breast Okay Oh God we love it Curklin signature Yeah that's our favorite What a trusted brand in chicken.

[1740] I've done the peanuts.

[1741] They're supposed to enjoy getting into peanuts.

[1742] They want the challenge.

[1743] I've put shiny things in the food I'm offering them.

[1744] They don't want it.

[1745] And I'm like, they're so well fed or something around in the neighborhood.

[1746] But anyways, I've transitioned.

[1747] So now if I become friends with a great bonus, but that's not my goal anymore.

[1748] My goal is to enjoy these creatures that I get to see.

[1749] Okay, that's great.

[1750] And I'm open to finding an orphaned baby and raising it in the house.

[1751] Oh, goodness.

[1752] That seems to be how these people have really good relationships with it, that they've fostered one.

[1753] Okay.

[1754] In my investigation.

[1755] Okay.

[1756] Yeah.

[1757] And then, you know, I found out Nicholas G. Jones one.

[1758] He owns on maybe like a magpie or something.

[1759] Oh, I'm not surprised.

[1760] Yeah, he loves exotic animals.

[1761] Before you take on a crow as a child, do you think you could check in on our pee baby once or twice?

[1762] Of course.

[1763] Okay.

[1764] Well, I'll tell you, when I walk by your house or ride by it, my motorcycle, which is a few evenings a week.

[1765] I'm out there and I cross your house.

[1766] And I always think of you, I look at your house on what's happening.

[1767] Is anyone broken in?

[1768] Sure.

[1769] Is there anything there delivered?

[1770] I need to bring to your attention.

[1771] Oh, that's nice.

[1772] And I think, that little pee baby's inside.

[1773] She's in there.

[1774] She's in there.

[1775] She might have evaporated at this point.

[1776] Yeah, we don't know if she's in there, actually.

[1777] She might have transitioned into another plane.

[1778] I'll miss her.

[1779] She was a good little baby.

[1780] Yeah.

[1781] Never caused any trouble.

[1782] No, she didn't.

[1783] She didn't even smell.

[1784] No, that is so weird.

[1785] I know.

[1786] Okay.

[1787] So this is for Jesse Tyler Ferguson.

[1788] Oh, what a party that was.

[1789] I know.

[1790] I love him.

[1791] You know, I'll bring this up.

[1792] I think I saw what was a fair comment about Sean White.

[1793] Oh, okay.

[1794] Is that someone said something to the degree of, you know, Dax wouldn't give it up to him or something, which I disagree with.

[1795] But I know what they're saying, which was I was teasing him a lot, right?

[1796] I was saying, like, why don't you announce now that you have a one -inch penis?

[1797] Like, I was having a lot of fun teasing him.

[1798] And I just want people to know the nuance of this.

[1799] Like, we sometimes have guests that I know immediately have really healthy self -esteem and that we can play with each other that way.

[1800] Yeah.

[1801] And Jesse was one.

[1802] So for me, it was really fun.

[1803] Like, I kept making mean jokes to Jesse.

[1804] But again, I had dinner with him and I know that's his sense of humor.

[1805] He is very, like, down to play.

[1806] Yeah.

[1807] And so maybe it's just like know your audience and trust that I generally don't take that tact.

[1808] unless I think someone will enjoy it.

[1809] And I knew Sean enjoyed it.

[1810] I didn't get that at all.

[1811] I was fucking with them.

[1812] I was.

[1813] You also were giving him a billion compliments.

[1814] Yes, I was.

[1815] But, you know, I could make that stupid joke, why don't you announce now that you have a woman's penis because it was so helpful that you had told everyone you had a heart condition, right?

[1816] Right.

[1817] Some people would be like, you know, don't say that.

[1818] Like, they'd be really defensive or whatever.

[1819] Yeah, but I just knew he had like a kind of baseline self -esteem that we could play, poke fun at each other.

[1820] So we love Jesse.

[1821] Okay, so sucrette's mince.

[1822] I'd never heard of them.

[1823] Again, wow, this is a major dingles.

[1824] Papa Bob is who introduced me to sucrette, so you'd have the aluminum tin of sucretz.

[1825] Well, you'll be happy to know.

[1826] One of the questions is, can you still buy sucrets?

[1827] And it says, Socrates, the loss, cinch that has provided sore throat relief for more than 75 years, is now back in the tin.

[1828] Oh, good.

[1829] That's where it belongs.

[1830] Oh my God.

[1831] Picture of my Papa Bob.

[1832] Oh, God.

[1833] Cherries.

[1834] Oh, my God.

[1835] In this picture.

[1836] Lazy sim.

[1837] It went from a dingles to a lazy sim.

[1838] Sometimes we get mad at the sim because it's so lazy.

[1839] There's a fine line between a dingles and a lazy sim.

[1840] My dad's getting so lazy.

[1841] Yeah.

[1842] Well, he'd run out of money.

[1843] This is an expensive package.

[1844] So he sent a tweet out about, Take Me Out, when the nudes were released.

[1845] And you said, he had written a good tweet and I found it.

[1846] Now, I'm like a Twitter investigator.

[1847] Uh -huh.

[1848] Forensic.

[1849] I think some of the reason being is like it's now all on your plate because I've quit.

[1850] Like I used to come and correct with all the right stuff.

[1851] And now I'm out of the game.

[1852] No, but I don't have it either.

[1853] Well, but I used our armchair one to find Malcolm.

[1854] And then this one I just Googled.

[1855] Right.

[1856] His tweet is, I'm appalled by the disrespect shown to the actors of our company whose vulnerability on stage every night is crucial to take me out.

[1857] Anyone who applauds or trivializes this behavior has no place in the theater, which has always been a safe space for artists and audience members.

[1858] That was his tweet.

[1859] Nice.

[1860] Very nice.

[1861] Direct.

[1862] To the point.

[1863] Shaming, but in a good way.

[1864] Yeah, not on a self -righteous anger high horse, which can sometimes accompany these tweets.

[1865] Recently, we brought up conversational cul -de -sac in one of our other.

[1866] other conversations.

[1867] And it originated in this conversation.

[1868] Oh, that, right.

[1869] That's where it comes from.

[1870] And it's Julie Bowen.

[1871] Julie Bowen said it.

[1872] Jay Bowen.

[1873] She has a podcast called Quitters.

[1874] Okay.

[1875] And she does it with our friend Chad Sanders.

[1876] Oh.

[1877] And guess who produces it.

[1878] And Wobby Wob.

[1879] That's right.

[1880] Wabi Wob's involved.

[1881] Yes, your company.

[1882] Why is that a distinction you want to make?

[1883] Because you would think people think you're spreading yourself too thin?

[1884] Yeah, because I don't really, I don't do much.

[1885] You own a company that produces.

[1886] Very successful company.

[1887] And let me add, if you are in the market to do a podcast, you look no further.

[1888] You couldn't choose a better person than Robbie and his company.

[1889] What's the name of your company, Wobby Wob?

[1890] It's called Rabbit Grin Productions.

[1891] What is it?

[1892] Rabbit Grin.

[1893] Yep.

[1894] Robes was a little, yep.

[1895] You should have ran that by me before you named it.

[1896] And me, us.

[1897] Yeah, yeah.

[1898] Well, I didn't want to speak for you, but I'm speaking for me. Okay.

[1899] We could have, you know, but it's working.

[1900] We're wrong, I guess, because it's very successful.

[1901] Rabbit Grin Productions.

[1902] Because you think you're a smiling rabbit?

[1903] Yeah.

[1904] It was the only name that Jeff and I didn't hate.

[1905] Oh, okay.

[1906] Yeah, because you've got a partner.

[1907] Yes, and he does most, he does everything for it at this point because.

[1908] Okay, great.

[1909] You've transitioned into the Dak Shepherd role.

[1910] Yeah.

[1911] Great.

[1912] And also, go seek out rabbit grin.

[1913] if you need help with podcasting, and also Quidders podcast, which I was on and also Chad Sanders, who we love.

[1914] We love Chad.

[1915] Chad, Chad.

[1916] Hello, Bello.

[1917] The best baby products in America.

[1918] And an upcoming T -shirt company in the next five years.

[1919] Yet to be named soon to launch.

[1920] That next five years.

[1921] And Ted Seeger is a beer you can't buy or have.

[1922] No, I'm actually, I told you this, right?

[1923] Maybe a T -shirt company.

[1924] And I've talked to a person in the biz.

[1925] and he's really good at what he does and I was talking to him about this and he basically was like hold your horses a little bit and he's like you need to like learn about this a little more yeah cool that's a good and at first I was like oh man but I just like want to start this business yeah yeah and then I mean you're an idea man you just want to you want to be like Jimmy Phelan like hey make these sunglasses spin yeah exactly right right right right I was like I like someone else to execute it But then I thought, no, this is great.

[1926] What a fun challenge.

[1927] And also, what a fun thing for me to learn about.

[1928] Absolutely, a skill set to pick up.

[1929] And by the way, this person you idolize Ashley Olson is the epitome of having submerged herself in fashion, learned every piece of it.

[1930] At one point was just you today, which is, yeah, use Ashley Olson at Walmart and let's make a bunch of money.

[1931] And then insanely broke out of that.

[1932] went the complete other direction successfully and through.

[1933] But I don't want to do that necessarily.

[1934] Like, I don't want to be her.

[1935] I don't think I need to run the row, although that would be great if I ran the row.

[1936] Oh, my God.

[1937] I really want to.

[1938] Oh, my God, do you think you should get an internship at the row?

[1939] I would.

[1940] Yeah.

[1941] I just don't have that.

[1942] You know, we have a lot of shows.

[1943] We sure do it.

[1944] And increasingly more.

[1945] I know I have similar thoughts about this and that.

[1946] And I'm like, who am I kidding?

[1947] I know.

[1948] It's just ramping up every day.

[1949] I know.

[1950] It's not like I'd rather.

[1951] So that's what's tricky.

[1952] Well, but what's interesting is like the longer you do something, kind of the better and more efficient you get at doing it.

[1953] So it's like we've figured some things out.

[1954] We've figured out some great workflow stuff through Wobby Wob, Rabbit Grin Productions.

[1955] Then it opens the door to a little more.

[1956] Even you, you figured out how to do like I said, I want to do armchair to anonymous every Friday.

[1957] And then the way that I probably pitch would have been untenable.

[1958] Right.

[1959] Right?

[1960] To pepper it in an already busy work week.

[1961] You had a great plan of how to produce enough content.

[1962] You know, you figure out how to do stuff better.

[1963] And then your next thought is like, okay, great, I have space now to do more.

[1964] I know.

[1965] You're not like, oh, great, I figured out space to have a life.

[1966] You're like, I figured out that's how I feel like, oh, I have a hole for more stuff.

[1967] A hundred percent, yes, which is funny.

[1968] I'm a heart of a champion.

[1969] What are you going to do?

[1970] Yeah, winner, winner's heart.

[1971] Whatever.

[1972] Well, I think it's, it's bad and it's good that we all want to do more.

[1973] Okay, so was John Wilkes boot the Brad Pitt of his day?

[1974] There's some talk about this on Reddit, like how big of an actor.

[1975] You know how to go on Reddit?

[1976] No, I Google and sometimes Reddit pops up.

[1977] Okay, because I've tried and I really can't figure it out.

[1978] It's not a place I want to, like, be on a lot.

[1979] It seems scary.

[1980] Mm -hmm.

[1981] But somebody said, in terms of fame, we could call him Casey Affleck.

[1982] He was well known, but his brother, Edwin Booth, was way more famous.

[1983] Sorry, Casey.

[1984] Way more famous.

[1985] Famous but not Brad Pitt.

[1986] The brother was Brad Pitt.

[1987] Correct.

[1988] Okay.

[1989] That's what this is saying, but this is Reddit.

[1990] It's also hard to imagine what famous meant back then without celebrity tabloids, without magazines, without movie theaters and everything where you could have consumed him.

[1991] I mean, you would have had to been in the city where he performed.

[1992] But I think in the Broadway world, in the live theater world, he was like, huge.

[1993] Big deal.

[1994] Yeah.

[1995] Maybe Marlon Brando pre -movies.

[1996] Whoa.

[1997] I'm going to change my assessment.

[1998] Okay.

[1999] That's all my facts.

[2000] Oh, okay.

[2001] There weren't all that many.

[2002] Wait, I was going to say one more thing.

[2003] On Monday, I saw Zazzy.

[2004] In real life?

[2005] No. Yeah, but it didn't go well.

[2006] I was at Covel.

[2007] I was waiting for Anna.

[2008] That's the wine bar.

[2009] I was waiting for Anna.

[2010] It was like, let's say, 5 .44.

[2011] Okay, peak happy hour.

[2012] And the thing is with Coval, it's incredibly dark in there.

[2013] It's very hard, and you know my eyes aren't tip top.

[2014] They're terrible.

[2015] Okay.

[2016] That's one way to fight.

[2017] So when people enter, also just because it's dark and the back, like it's bright outside and then really dark, all you can really see is a silhouette.

[2018] So then Anna comes and then I look up and this other person is coming and I'm like, hmm, That kind of looks like Zazee, but it's probably not her.

[2019] She's a New Yorker, and you're being racist.

[2020] Yes.

[2021] I was like, I'm definitely being racist.

[2022] But then I kind of, and she came and she sat close enough to me, but far enough to.

[2023] She was with some other people, an Indian girl.

[2024] Oh, okay.

[2025] Of all people.

[2026] That's helpful.

[2027] That she knows who Indian people are.

[2028] That she hangs with Indians.

[2029] Yeah.

[2030] So I'm kind of talking to Anna, but I'm a little fixated on this.

[2031] I'm like, is it her?

[2032] Because she's wearing like a really cool outfit.

[2033] Oh, well, that's a good clue.

[2034] Exactly.

[2035] And so I looked at Anna.

[2036] I was like, do you know, do you know Zazzy Pets?

[2037] And she said, no. No, but I know Zazzi Beets.

[2038] Does she hear?

[2039] How many?

[2040] You had to ask in layman terms.

[2041] Yes, I know.

[2042] And she said.

[2043] That's like I'll say Neanderthal.

[2044] Yes.

[2045] Dumb yourself down for people.

[2046] That's really what it is.

[2047] Sure.

[2048] Okay, that's happening too.

[2049] Okay.

[2050] So maybe it all worked out.

[2051] Yeah.

[2052] Anyway, Anna was like, no, I don't.

[2053] And she was like, okay, I think that might be her.

[2054] We interviewed her.

[2055] So like...

[2056] In 2D, unfortunately.

[2057] And then Anna was like, she does look like she could be someone.

[2058] Whatever.

[2059] I love that.

[2060] Now you're just trying to evaluate it.

[2061] Yeah, I guess that person could be a movie star.

[2062] Well, just because she's wearing a really cool outfit.

[2063] So she leaves.

[2064] They leave.

[2065] And I was like, all right, well, I'll just never know.

[2066] But then I was on my fashion sites.

[2067] Okay.

[2068] And there's a picture of...

[2069] Zazee at the bullet train premiere.

[2070] Oh, that night?

[2071] In that outfit.

[2072] Get the fuck out.

[2073] So they were having some drinks before they went to the premiere.

[2074] That's right.

[2075] Okay.

[2076] A couple things.

[2077] You and I are so different, right?

[2078] I would have walked up immediately and I would have just said, hey, I'm Monica from armchair expert.

[2079] We talked.

[2080] Like, lever up the hook.

[2081] I didn't know it was her.

[2082] Do you think Brad Pitt was with her?

[2083] Well, of course I thought that after I was like, I couldn't see anyone except that Indian girl.

[2084] And paper boy?

[2085] And what if that was, was Brad Pitt, and what if Brad Pitt likes Indian girls?

[2086] This is what, you know.

[2087] Yeah, some big missed opportunities, sliding doors, whatever all the analogies are.

[2088] Well, I would just roll the dice.

[2089] Like, for me, I'm weighing two things, right?

[2090] Yeah.

[2091] One is they don't remember me, blah, blah, blah, maybe I have the wrong person versus I could have chatted with this person I wanted to chat with and I missed the opportunity.

[2092] To me, that's the scariest outcome.

[2093] Oh, really?

[2094] Yes.

[2095] Not for me. I know.

[2096] I know.

[2097] That was what I was saying.

[2098] We're so different.

[2099] Yeah.

[2100] Because what would have happened is, I mean, I wish I had been 100 % that it was her.

[2101] I would have been like.

[2102] If you were certain of it, do you think that would have changed?

[2103] Yes.

[2104] I would have gone over and just been like, hey, Monica from Armitter Expert, so good to see you.

[2105] Like, whatever.

[2106] But then I would have gone back and sat with Anna and I wouldn't have liked that feeling.

[2107] That is always weird.

[2108] It's a proximity thing.

[2109] You don't want to do if it's the table next to you.

[2110] It was too.

[2111] And the whole night is like, well, should we just join tables?

[2112] Because now we're going to listen to each other.

[2113] But if there's a few tables, you're good to go.

[2114] Similarly, I'm not on fashion sites, but I follow her.

[2115] So I saw her story.

[2116] And I saw the outfit because I saw, she had a funny post about, she just wrote, Brad, because he's there.

[2117] Of course, when he's there, it's just, this is Bradley Cooper story.

[2118] All you hear is Brad, Brad, Brad.

[2119] Absolutely.

[2120] He was wearing quite an outfit.

[2121] What was it this time?

[2122] Another dress or something He's out there He's doing something Oh he's making a move Maybe he's gonna play a fashion designer In a movie or something He's just trying to prime the pump He also did a roundhouse kick Oh he did I'm a little I think something's going on Okay great Well because the round house kick Was a little On the red carpet I did that in sobriety Just to remind you I was in a guy You're you You do funny stuff It's cool.

[2123] We have different lanes.

[2124] He's like, doesn't do much.

[2125] Right.

[2126] He's rightly so.

[2127] He shows up.

[2128] He says, look at this shit.

[2129] And that's what we want.

[2130] Oh, my God.

[2131] Oh, you know, I had no idea to eat a roundhouse.

[2132] This is incredible.

[2133] Is it going to be a video or a photo?

[2134] Oh, well, this is on Fox News.

[2135] That's a bummer.

[2136] Lucky he didn't fall down.

[2137] Let's see.

[2138] Brad Pitt brings out dance moves.

[2139] So they've labeled it as a dance movie.

[2140] What I saw, maybe he did more moves.

[2141] What I saw was the kick.

[2142] Is there a video?

[2143] It is a video, which I think it's just the damn trailer for the film.

[2144] Okay, so it looks like he's doing the running man. Oh, I miss that.

[2145] You see the kick?

[2146] It's interesting.

[2147] When you hit, it just goes away.

[2148] I don't wonder it's at the end of this clip.

[2149] It won't let me fast for it.

[2150] I don't enjoy this interface with Fox News.

[2151] Oh, this one's on Vogue.

[2152] Okay, what's it say?

[2153] Do you call it a dance move or a roundhouse kick?

[2154] Brad Pitt's latest red carpet look breaks.

[2155] all the rules.

[2156] So he's wearing like a bright outfit.

[2157] I like it, though.

[2158] The movie's really stylized.

[2159] I think all these things have to be nods to the movie.

[2160] I do wish someone would have told him to wrinkle release.

[2161] I bet that's part of it.

[2162] I bet you in six months everyone will have wrinkles.

[2163] Actually, you're right.

[2164] That'd be great for me. I have so many wrinkles.

[2165] I wouldn't dare guess that I know where Stiles had it better than the team that's dressing Brad Pitt.

[2166] Like, if I see it, I'm just going to take it as fact that I will probably be in a dress in six months.

[2167] That's what I thought when I saw it.

[2168] I actually thought, oh boy, I'm going to be in a dress in six months.

[2169] To be honest, I think I'd prefer to wear a dress than a skirt.

[2170] I think he was wearing a skirt.

[2171] He wore a skirt.

[2172] I think I'd rather go full dress because that to me is more coveralls.

[2173] Coveralls, do a twirl.

[2174] I like one piece.

[2175] And then it's, but definitely if it was like a strap version, I could show off my shoulders and stuff.

[2176] Sure, sure.

[2177] And then have the dress on underneath.

[2178] Then when I roll my motorcycle, my shirt wouldn't blow up and back exposing my lower back.

[2179] It could work for me. A dress could, but a skirt, I don't know.

[2180] A dress would be hard on the motorcycle, though, because, like, you need a lot of...

[2181] Well, it air on my junk.

[2182] I think I would love that.

[2183] Yeah, but you'd be restricted.

[2184] Well, I think you'd be dead free.

[2185] You'd be worried about the dress getting sucked up into the chain or the wheels.

[2186] Well, what kind of dress are you talking about loose?

[2187] It's got to be loose enough I can throw my legs over the tank.

[2188] That's what I'm talking about.

[2189] Yeah, it's got to be one of those poodle skirts or whatever.

[2190] A prom dress.

[2191] A prom dress.

[2192] Poodle skirt.

[2193] but with your shoulders out oh my gosh wow okay anyway uh so that was zizi that was zizi i mean i did of course get self -conscious when they left because i was like oh no she probably thinks like i'm a fan that's been like looking at her and she feels uncomfortable so she had to leave but no she had a premiere yeah yeah well all right well i love you love you uh and uh and i hope you'll join me outside for the crow show and the arrival of the motorhome oh my gosh i will That's a lot of going out there.

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