When Kids Don’t Respect A Step-Parent

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[24] So what do you do if you're remarried?

[25] If you have a blended family, or maybe you're considering.

[26] blending families.

[27] It comes with a lot of complications.

[28] And I want to give you a few key principles that will hopefully save you a lot of conflict, maybe save you another divorce, and hopefully get on the same page with your new spouse.

[29] So that's what we're going to talk about on today's episode of the Calm Parenting podcast.

[30] So welcome.

[31] This is Kirk Martin, founder, Celebrate Calm.

[32] If we can help you on A -Way, reach out to our son, Casey, C -A -S -E -Y, Casey at Celebrate Calm .com.

[33] Please look up our website, pass along our podcast to other parents.

[34] particular episode, I know this may rub some of you the wrong way.

[35] I get that.

[36] But I want to give a perspective that I think will be very, very helpful, even if it's challenging to you.

[37] And especially if you're considering this, look, I do a lot.

[38] We've worked with almost a million families.

[39] I do a lot of phone consultations with people who have blended families and they're finding, uh -oh, we didn't really discuss how we were going to discipline the kids, or each other.

[40] kids.

[41] So here is a very common question and it's this.

[42] We're remarried and the new stepdad, my new husband, doesn't feel like he's getting the respect that he thinks is due to him.

[43] This could also be because it's half the time it's, well, we're remarried and my kids aren't respecting my new wife, their stepmom.

[44] How do we handle that?

[45] So here are a few thoughts that I believe hold true for most, not all, but most situations, especially when the kids are a little bit older, I think these principles are extremely important.

[46] Number one, I believe very strongly that the step -parent should not directly discipline the biological parents' children.

[47] The step -parent's job is to calmly support the biological parent as he or she disciplines his or her own kids.

[48] See, in doing so, number two, in doing so, the way the new step parent can earn respect is to be the calming influence in the home, who helps the biological parent handle things more calmly and judiciously, right?

[49] And so as the new stepdad or the new step mom supports his or her spouse, the kids will begin to respect the new stepdad.

[50] parent because here she adds to the environment rather than coming in and demanding something of kids that are not his or her own right so the so my preference it doesn't matter what my preference is when I found works best and I think just works is that the new step parent comes in and treads lightly it just doesn't work to come in and start disciplining some other person's kids that aren't your own they will be naturally resentful.

[51] And what often happens is, the new step -parent comes in and is like, well, I'm the authority figure in this home, I'm the parent, her kids need to listen to me. No, that's not the way that it works and it's not the way that it should work.

[52] Your job is the step -parent, look, you get the easy, fun job, right?

[53] Your job isn't to go in and begin correcting her or his kids.

[54] You take the stress out of these situations.

[55] You calm them.

[56] You get to be a source of encouragement, right?

[57] And you're curious about her or his kids.

[58] You are interested in them.

[59] You encourage them.

[60] You notice good things inside of them.

[61] But you don't come in and try to discipline or correct them.

[62] And here's why.

[63] Number three, you've got to adjust your expectations of your spouse's kids.

[64] And I know this is going to sound hard and harsh, but it's how kids often view this.

[65] Here's how they view it.

[66] I don't have to listen to or respect you.

[67] You're not my father.

[68] Just because my mom fell in love with you and chose you doesn't mean I'm obligated to like you, love you, choose you, or even respect you.

[69] As far as I'm concerned, look, this is going to sound harsh, but I'm going to do it.

[70] As far as I'm concerned, you're just some guy that I don't know having sex with my mom.

[71] Look, I know that may rub you the wrong way, but that's how they view it.

[72] And that's the way they kind of should view it, right?

[73] Now, let me do it just so we can switch the mom and dad in here.

[74] It'll sound like this.

[75] Look, I don't have to listen to respect you.

[76] You're not my mother.

[77] Just because my dad fell in love with you and he chose you doesn't mean I'm obligated to like you, love you, choose you, or respect you.

[78] As far as I'm concerned, you're just some woman that I don't even know is having sex with my dad right see look you guys fell in love with each other I didn't have a say in the matter I didn't choose this new situation I didn't choose this new person to replace my biological mom or dad think of it from the child's point of view no it doesn't mean your child gets determined everything about your relationship but you sure better respect that because you should should.

[79] Right?

[80] Just think you fell in love with this new person.

[81] You've spent hopefully countless hours with them, but your child didn't.

[82] They're not obligated.

[83] So don't expect them to be cool with it.

[84] And that's why I urge you to move very slowly, not expect that your kids are going to be happy because you found someone who loves you and that you're in love with.

[85] I find that to be, I don't know, I don't know the right word so I don't want to say it but I just it's that thing like well I think my kids are going to be really happy that I found someone who look I don't think they are I did look when my mom got remarried my main concern I wasn't like mom I really just want you to be happy and I wasn't being selfish I was a kid my look my when I'm a kid all I'm worried about is my own security and I and that new person that comes in a home represents a threat to me in many different ways.

[86] I don't know them.

[87] I don't know if they're going to start.

[88] I don't know if that new stepdad or stepmom's going to start yelling at me. And their competition for the attention that I used to get from my mom or my dad.

[89] Right.

[90] So think of it in that way.

[91] That'll cause you to tread a little bit lighter, right?

[92] Now, if you're bringing your own kids into the mix, right?

[93] So there's the mom has a couple kids and the new step, dad.

[94] has a couple kids, you definitely need to go slowly, right?

[95] Don't assume that your kids are going to somehow magically love sharing a home with some other kids they don't know, they may not like, and they don't have an obligation to be friends with.

[96] They don't, just because you're the authority figure and you make the decisions, it doesn't mean you should expect that your kids are going to be like, yeah, great, listen, bring in a new guy, bring in his kids, because you know what he's probably going to treat his kids differently than he treats me and then you're going to be extra nice to his kids and then you're going to try to be a little bit tougher with me and there's going to be then it's all going to change everything in our home is going to change and all of our traditions a lot of them are going to change right like that's reality right I want you to get out of that thing like well I had a bad first marriage and I was so relieved to meet a really nice guy and your new spouse may be a really nice guy or a really nice woman And that's awesome.

[97] But don't go in expecting that your kids are going to be like, oh, I'm so happy.

[98] I can't wait until we all get blended together.

[99] Now, there are many cases where you do blend together and it works really great.

[100] And sometimes with younger kids, like, yay, I get to have a new older brother or younger sister or whatever it is.

[101] And this new guy is a lot of fun.

[102] That happens.

[103] But a lot of times it doesn't.

[104] More often than not, it doesn't.

[105] and I'd rather you be prepared for the reality that it may not work that way.

[106] Or maybe you're in that situation, you're like, uh -oh, this isn't really working well, right?

[107] What happens when, let's say, the biological father doesn't really discipline his own kids, right?

[108] Maybe he's like the Disney dad who lets them just do everything, but he wants to discipline your kids or he wants you to discipline your kids.

[109] Oh, well, that's a recipe for disaster.

[110] Have you discussed these scenarios yet?

[111] Because you need to, right?

[112] And just because you didn't before you got married doesn't mean your kids are obligated to pick up the pieces, right?

[113] Look, number four that I had done, just because that new, let's take the stepdad.

[114] Just because he's older than the kids or the father or maybe the new mom is the mother doesn't mean that he or she is automatically due respect.

[115] You earn respect in life.

[116] You don't get it by force.

[117] You don't get it by position just because, well, I'm your new stepdad or your new stepmom, so you need to respect me. You don't get it because of that or because of age.

[118] Look, yes, kids, all people should have a natural amount of respect for other human beings.

[119] But a new step -parent isn't deserving of any special respect until that's earned.

[120] usually by treading a little bit more lightly, by being the encourager, by helping make the environment in the home.

[121] Look, if I'm a stepdad going into a new situation, here's what my goal is.

[122] I want to support my new wife so that her kids see me as a calming influence in the home, that she doesn't react, that she doesn't bark out consequences or go too far all the time, that they see that I bring peace to the home.

[123] Then I actually encourage their own.

[124] mom to listen to the kids.

[125] And I become someone that they begin to respect because I quietly begin to build that home from the ground up in the background.

[126] And I don't walk in and correct them and try to fix them.

[127] But I ask them questions and I listen to them and I encourage them and I write them little notes and I become someone that over time, over time, not right away, they begin to think, you know what that guy's an added a positive he's added a positive dimension to our home right number five it's not fair to ask the kids to somehow respect this new spouse or change how they act just because this will be harsh again because the two adults never discussed and came to an agreement on how to handle these situations before they got married right so that guy in this particular question is like well My stepkids just need to respect me because I'm their new stepdad.

[128] No, it sounds like mom married an immature guy.

[129] And just because you two didn't have the foresight and the maturity to go through this beforehand, doesn't mean you obligate the kids to kind of pick up the pieces.

[130] And I don't mean to be so, well, I do mean to be blunt.

[131] Because I get angry when kids try to impose something on innocent kids who had no say in the matter.

[132] So, if you're thinking about getting remarried, take a parent.

[133] parenting class together.

[134] It doesn't have to be ours, but take a parenting class.

[135] Hopefully you're going to be physically, sexually compatible.

[136] Hopefully you talked about finances now.

[137] That's going to work.

[138] Have you discussed how you're going to interact with a strong will child?

[139] That adds an entirely different dimension.

[140] Have you discussed how you're going to handle discipline with each of the kids?

[141] You need to do that.

[142] Or maybe you're in the midst of this and it's not going so well.

[143] Look, I encourage you, if you want, schedule phone consultation with me. I will walk you through this and we'll rebuild the foundations of it.

[144] Definitely listen to the podcast.

[145] Go through the calm parenting package.

[146] You know, I once suggested to a mom who's in this situation, she was about to get married.

[147] And I said, look, go to your new, your fiancee and say, look, my kids are the most important thing in my life.

[148] And your kids are you.

[149] Could we invest in this program and work through it together?

[150] You know what he said?

[151] He said, no. and I thought that's a red flag right because these programs it costs less than a trip to a therapist cost way less than another divorce and splitting your assets again and I thought if this new guy isn't willing to do a little hard work and really wrestle with some of these questions why would you put your kids under his care why would you expose your kids to someone who's not willing to even go to a parenting class or two together right these are these are really real issues and my concern my concern is not primarily you or your new spouse your grown -ups my concern is there is a potential here to really mess up your kids and you've already been through one divorce I'm not saying that's your fault at all right there are other things that go on but the kids were innocent in the first divorce and there certainly have been hurt by that why don't want to put them in another situation where some new person comes in and starts barking orders at them and now you have to go between your kids and your new spouse.

[152] Well, that's not going to end well because you probably did that in your first marriage, right?

[153] Where you had to manage your spouse's emotions, right, and your kids' emotions and be the go between.

[154] We don't want to repeat the same patterns.

[155] So keep listening to the podcast.

[156] Go through the calm parenting package together.

[157] If you want to schedule phone consultation, go on our website, celebrate calm .com.

[158] Look up call perk and let's do a couple two or three calls together and we'll get you guys on the same page thank you for listening thanks for letting me put up with being tough with you but it's really important so love you all talk to you soon bye bye