Obeying with Video Games, Homework & Chores

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[23] So I just posted on Facebook a question said, hey, I'm going to do a podcast.

[24] What do you want me to cover?

[25] And I got overwhelmed.

[26] very quickly like your kids do, because it's too much.

[27] And so what popped out at me, by the way, welcome to the Calm Parenting Podcast.

[28] This is Kirk Martin, founder, Celebrate Calm.

[29] If you're new to us, welcome, you can find us at celebrate calm .com.

[30] And our specialty is dealing with strong -willed kids.

[31] But you know what the real issue is?

[32] It's us as parents because we have so much anxiety.

[33] and when I, people were posting on Facebook at the Celebrate Calm page, all I kept feeling inside was this isn't really your child's issue.

[34] This is yours.

[35] You're like creating so many power struggles over things that don't even matter, right?

[36] And it's just all this stuff.

[37] I'm not going to do a podcast.

[38] This isn't going to be about this, but give me like a minute and a half on this.

[39] But you've got to look inside and see, like, where's this coming from?

[40] Some of you are like me, very type A. Maybe you had the career military father like I did.

[41] And so you're just intense and everything's intense.

[42] Or you're just a good parent.

[43] You want your child to succeed and you're looking at the strong will child and he's not doing anything or she's not.

[44] He's got a bad attitude.

[45] They don't do their schoolwork or whatever it is.

[46] And so you're getting afraid about their future and you're projecting out thinking who's going to hire them one day, who's going to marry them one day, and so you start lecturing and getting on them, and that never works, right?

[47] That's your own anxiety.

[48] Or you're looking at some of you have like little kids like, oh, my five -year -old won't do her schoolwork.

[49] Well, why should she?

[50] Shouldn't be doing schoolwork at age five?

[51] That's your own issue and that's school's issue.

[52] But don't, your child doesn't have a, five -year -old doesn't have a chance to say, doesn't have the maturity to say, a mother, listen, I'm a really bright kid and I love exploring right now and I'm really curious about stuff.

[53] And I know you want me to do all this arbitrary stuff that you've come up with and the schools come up with.

[54] Yeah, I'm not going to do that right now, but I guarantee you I'm going to be wildly successful in life because I am smart and I am curious.

[55] Just please don't suffocate me and take that curiosity out of me just because you're anxious and you're giving in to what society says that I need to be doing.

[56] right now.

[57] They don't have a voice.

[58] They don't have a voice to say that.

[59] So they just don't do it.

[60] And you've got to have the maturity to deal with your own issues and be the parent and say, yeah, don't think my five -year -old needs to be doing homework.

[61] I think the five -year -old needs to be exploring and getting into stuff.

[62] Now, some of you're going to ask, well, what about the 12 -year -old and the 17 -year -old who's not doing his schoolwork?

[63] I'm not handling that one.

[64] I've done that on previous podcasts.

[65] And I'm going to do that in a couple weeks on motivating kids' We'll get to that.

[66] We'll get to that.

[67] Here's what I wanted to get to today.

[68] Discipline, getting kids to listen.

[69] Because we've got a special going on right now, which is an awesome, awesome deal.

[70] For those of you who are new, traditionally, you know, our programs are usually pretty expensive.

[71] Why?

[72] Because I put a lot of time into this.

[73] This stuff is really good.

[74] It will change your family for generations, and I want people to respect it.

[75] I do.

[76] And the second reason is ownership and investment.

[77] I want people to make an investment.

[78] I want people to say, this is important.

[79] I'm breaking generational patterns.

[80] I'm going to change myself as a person and my family is going to change and I'm going to equip my kids with tools so that they can be successful.

[81] And I want people to have an investment, but we're doing a special this week.

[82] It's still a little bit of an investment, but it's a great deal where we told people we have four promises.

[83] We're giving you four programs.

[84] first thing is teaching kids to listen to you the first time without having to beg and yell and scream.

[85] I'm going to cover that right now in a few minutes.

[86] We'll stop the tantrums and arguing.

[87] I just did a podcast on that.

[88] There's a zillion different ways we teach you to do that.

[89] Three, we'll teach you how to teach your kids how to control themselves.

[90] And we do that through my son's program because the kids listen to another kid and Casey teaches your kids that and most importantly, we teach you how to control your own anxiety, your perfectionism, the fact that you argue with your kids, right, that you get sucked into their arguments and you react to them all the time.

[91] We teach you those four things for 99 bucks.

[92] That's ridiculously cheap.

[93] So, right, because you're going to pay, look, some of you've paid thousands or hundreds on therapists and you haven't learned anything practical.

[94] So go to celebrate calm .com.

[95] Look for the tab that says get the bag and we can customize it for you if you've got older kids we'll do put in a program on motivating kids younger kids we have a program for kids ages two to seven if you already have our CDs email Casey because he can give you a special deal on CDs you don't have or the no BS program anyway so we talk about discipline I'm going to try to do this very very quickly especially for those of you who are new consequences usually don't work for our kids.

[96] They don't work.

[97] I've explained that why other places.

[98] So instead of giving consequences for failure, what if we were to proactively give kids tools to succeed?

[99] Right.

[100] So a large part of what we teach in discipline isn't just, well, wait for your kids to mess up and then you bring the hammer down, right?

[101] No, it's I create successes.

[102] Write that phrase down.

[103] I want you to create successes.

[104] Because people are always like, let's go through chores and homework really quickly.

[105] People are always like, well, you're letting them get away with things.

[106] I don't let anybody get away with anything.

[107] But yelling at a child, lecturing, just cracking down on them indiscriminately, doesn't teach them anything, right?

[108] So we're not going to let them get away with things.

[109] I just don't react to kids.

[110] I teach kids.

[111] I give them tools to succeed.

[112] So When I have chores, just very quickly, I'll give you one idea.

[113] Let your kids do some different chores.

[114] You know your kids don't like doing things the way you want them done, and they like doing things on their own terms, so to speak.

[115] I don't have a problem with that within your boundaries.

[116] Some of us are so rigid.

[117] Well, here are the three chores you have to do.

[118] Why?

[119] Why do they have to do those three chores?

[120] Why can't you just say, look, I want three chores done in a home every day, three chores.

[121] Don't care which ones they are.

[122] I don't care.

[123] In return for you doing your three chores, I run three services, meal service, taxi service, laundry service.

[124] You do your three, I do my three.

[125] You don't do your three.

[126] I don't do my three.

[127] But the larger point is give them some ownership in space to do something different.

[128] The whole idea of chores is you just want them to.

[129] to contribute and be responsible.

[130] Some of your kids love doing things outside.

[131] They would love pulling up weeds, shoveling mulch, doing something outside that's physical.

[132] Why can't that be their chore?

[133] So rethink, get out of kind of the rigidity of like, well, this is just the way it's supposed to be done.

[134] Why?

[135] Just because everybody else has done it that way and they fought their whole childhoods and they don't have a good relationship with their kids.

[136] stop doing it the way everybody else does it.

[137] Why does it have to be done that way?

[138] So I come up with a list or say, I don't care what you do.

[139] I just want you to contribute.

[140] So you want to do the weeds?

[141] Awesome.

[142] Because I hate doing weeds, right?

[143] And let them get outside.

[144] When they're outside, it's physical, feels good.

[145] It meets their sensory needs.

[146] And they're outside.

[147] It's a bonus for you, a bonus for them.

[148] it's a bonus for the other siblings that they won't be irritating because they're too busy outside doing something, right?

[149] Be a little bit flexible with stuff.

[150] That's why you've got to slow your life down.

[151] But that's your issue because you've over -scheduled your kids because you're trying to keep up with everybody else and that's your own anxiety because you think, if I don't have my kids doing this and this and this, they won't be prepared.

[152] And I have to prepare them.

[153] We have to get their, make sure they have a good resume so they can get into the right college, all anxiety and none of that is true.

[154] So, you know what I wanted to say?

[155] Cut the crap.

[156] You know why?

[157] I know people hate that word.

[158] All I knew is when we had 1 ,500 kids in our home, I didn't really want to swear at them too much.

[159] I didn't at all.

[160] But I sometimes just say, hey, cut the crap.

[161] And for some reason, that really worked.

[162] And they'd cut it out.

[163] So cut the crap and be the leader and be the grown -up and do what you know is the right thing to do instead of trying to do it the way everybody else wants you to do it.

[164] the grown -up, it's your family.

[165] It's not anybody else's family.

[166] It's your family.

[167] So you get to decide, right?

[168] Little kids, I don't care toddlers, nine, 10, 12, whatever it is.

[169] Stimulate their brains.

[170] Make things a challenge.

[171] Make things a little bit harder.

[172] I guarantee you most of your kids don't want to do simple things around the house because they're boring and it's, and they're bored.

[173] So make it a challenge.

[174] When we had kids at our home, we had 50, 100 strong -will kids with all kinds of different issues and labels come through our home.

[175] And when I gave them chores to do, and they did chores for me every single day, I made them do it in a challenging way.

[176] Hey, bet you can't do it backwards.

[177] But you can't do it with a blindfold on.

[178] Bet you can't do it.

[179] But you can't do that going down the stairs backwards with a blindfold on.

[180] The bigger the challenge, the more it stimulated their brains.

[181] Let me give you one more.

[182] So I'm at the bank this morning.

[183] And the lady's like, hey, what's to celebrate calm thing.

[184] I was like, I know it's a dumb name.

[185] Used to be Celebrate ADHD.

[186] And then we switched over because we found that the kids were fine, but the parents needed help and they're freaks.

[187] And so, and don't be, well, be offended if you wish.

[188] We're all freaks with this stuff, right?

[189] And so I found it, so we switched to celebrate calm.

[190] So I was like, so she started asking me about it.

[191] And we, as it turns out, like a minute later, I pretty much described her child.

[192] And she's like, how did you know that?

[193] I was like, all of our kids are like that.

[194] And so she was like, well, what about homework time?

[195] So I told her about giving kids tools to succeed, standing over your child just saying, if you would focus, you would be done in 45 minutes instead of it taking three hours.

[196] It's not motivating, right?

[197] But what you have to figure out and know is your kids' brains need to be stimulated.

[198] So we give them tools.

[199] So I told the lady at the bank, I'm like, why can't your daughter stand at the kitchen counter while she's listening to music while she's eating a snack rocking back and forth on her heels.

[200] And the lady said she would love to do it that way.

[201] But I can't think straight when there's music on.

[202] I need it quiet.

[203] I was like, but that's your brain, not her brain.

[204] Stop projecting everything of your own onto your kids.

[205] Right.

[206] I have kids who come to my house and I notice they lay upside down off the sofa.

[207] You know what I learned?

[208] Best way to do homework?

[209] I'd bring homework in, say, this is kind of cool.

[210] Curious.

[211] Why do you like sitting upside down?

[212] And I'd listen to them and they'd tell me about how their brains were working.

[213] They didn't say it like that, but I learned that.

[214] So I was like, so here's the deal.

[215] We've got this homework to do.

[216] Bet you can't do your math homework laying upside down.

[217] Sure enough, they would do it like that.

[218] So tools to succeed.

[219] But let's transition now, do kind of the opposite way, not opposite, but when you get to be tough with your kids and getting them to listen.

[220] So let's say I've got two sons and I come in the room and say, hey, here's the deal.

[221] This afternoon, I'm going to give you 27 minutes to play your video games.

[222] Here's how it works.

[223] It's not my job to remind you to turn your video games off.

[224] Okay, no more of this.

[225] Guys, one minute left, 30 seconds.

[226] okay, turn it off.

[227] Hold on, no, no, we need to save it.

[228] We need to get the next level.

[229] And all that drama, that's your issue because you keep feeding that, right?

[230] Now, this is not blaming guilt, but we've got to own our stuff, right?

[231] So I tell my kids is, you've got 27 minutes, and here's how it works.

[232] You have a choice, and I'll make you a promise.

[233] In the original days, and if you get any of the programs, the discipline program, we go through choices and promises.

[234] Because I can't make my kids do anything.

[235] They don't want to do it.

[236] You can't make them.

[237] But they do have a choice.

[238] And I do give them a promise because a promise speaks of personal integrity.

[239] You have a choice.

[240] If you turn your video games off after 27 minutes, I promise you, you will get to play again tomorrow.

[241] But if that video game is on for even half a second, past 27 minutes, I promise you, you will have chosen, see, it's their choice to lose your video games for the next three days.

[242] Choice is up to you.

[243] Now, if they're younger, I'll give them tools.

[244] I may help them set an alarm clock, but most of your kids, you've already given them iPhones when it's way too young.

[245] So, they're too young.

[246] So let them set their own timer, right, for 24 minutes knowing we've got three minutes left.

[247] Teach them how to do it at first, but it's very cut and dry, very clear.

[248] You've got a choice, not my job to remind you, I'm going to walk out of the room.

[249] So, I walk out of the room.

[250] I come back in after 27 minutes.

[251] What am I going to find?

[252] I guarantee your kids are still going to be playing their video games.

[253] Why?

[254] Because that's their job, is to push the limits and argue and negotiate.

[255] Stop taking everything so personally.

[256] Stop expecting your kids to somehow be, I was going to say little saints, but if you ever read through scripture sometime, you'll find out that everybody in there was basically a horrible person, right?

[257] Moses was a murderer.

[258] King David committed adultery and murder, right?

[259] Just relax with that.

[260] Stop, stop thinking, like, oh, but my kids, they should just naturally want to listen to me. Why?

[261] That's not human nature.

[262] Maybe you're like that, because you're a good person, but I guarantee if you're like that, You have your own issues, right, because you're a perfectionist and you're a people and you're a people and you're afraid to disappoint people and say no to people because you had a parent who is, da, da, da, da, anyway.

[263] So, of course, they're still going to be on their video games.

[264] It's their job.

[265] So look, a lot of what we teach is controlling yourself.

[266] Because if you just come in, guys, you know what, after all I do for you, all I ask is you get off your video game, you can't even do it when I was a kid.

[267] They don't care about all of that.

[268] so when I come in the room I've got my even call matter of fact voice says hey guys just wanted to remind you that you just chose to lose your video games for the next three days now what's their response going to be mother father thank you for being consistent following through it makes us feel safe as children yeah they're not going to say that they're going to call you names you're a terrible mother and they hate you I wish I had a different father of course they are again don't take everything personally.

[269] They're not mad at you.

[270] They're mad at themselves because they realized that they messed up.

[271] Stop feeding everything and making it all worse.

[272] You just let them know this is how I look.

[273] This is how I roll in the home.

[274] And part of what you'll learn if you listen to our programs is this phrase.

[275] I will tell you one time and then I will take action.

[276] It's very low key.

[277] I don't have to do a big lecture.

[278] In fact, I don't want you to lecture.

[279] I don't want you to lecture.

[280] want lots of talking.

[281] I want your kids to know that I'm a person of integrity.

[282] And when I tell you I'm going to do something, I just do it.

[283] I don't berate you.

[284] I'm not mad at you.

[285] I'm not really disappointed.

[286] I am a little bit, but it's not really about my disappointment.

[287] That makes it about me. What this is about is when I tell you something, I want you to know that you can always count on me to follow through, even if you're going to be angry and mad.

[288] and throw a tantrum and throw things at me and whatever else it is because, look, you can't count on a lot of things in life anymore, but you can always count on me because when I make a promise to you, I just keep my promises.

[289] So it's a beautiful word, and we'll show you how to do that in 15, 20 different situations.

[290] Now, they're not going to like it.

[291] It's okay.

[292] And look, we go through some variations on the CDs.

[293] I have a lot more time, but we go through the variations.

[294] are like, well, what about when you try to make them turn their video games off, right?

[295] And you get into a wrestling match over the controller.

[296] I don't want to do that either, so I could let them know and just say, look, you guys can continue playing, but for every minute you continue to play, that will be an additional day that will be added on to the time before you get to play again.

[297] So again, choice is up to you, right?

[298] So I'm not, look, some of your kids are really big now.

[299] And so you can't like wrestle the controller away from them.

[300] But I'm also letting them know, here are my boundaries.

[301] Here's how it works.

[302] And I'm just going to do that, right?

[303] So let's say you do that.

[304] What's going to happen?

[305] Kids are going to be miserable next three days.

[306] Well, can't we have, can we have our video games back?

[307] We'll turn on the.

[308] So here's what I want you to do.

[309] Do the three days.

[310] Whatever you decide.

[311] Whatever you decide.

[312] Could be a day.

[313] It could be a week.

[314] I don't care.

[315] So they get their video games back, but let me teach you one other thing because on here is one of the things we want to teach you is how to teach your kids self -control.

[316] Because when your kids listen to Casey's, our son CD program, straight talk for kids, it's very grounding because they get to hear a kid talking to them who's another kid, right, who's struggled, who's just like them, and they will feel very understood.

[317] And my son describes how he struggled with self -control.

[318] And he goes through different ways how he learned how to control his emotions.

[319] And it's really, really cool.

[320] But one of the things he will challenge your kids with is this.

[321] Kids, and this big principle he teaches in his school assemblies.

[322] So, by the way, if you ever want him to do a school assembly or if you need help with CDs or anything else, booking events, it's Casey you're going to talk to.

[323] And you can call them 888, 5 .0 .5.

[324] 606, 1871, or Casey, C -A -S -E -Y at Celebrate Calm .com.

[325] Awesome customer service.

[326] He's an awesome young man, but he was horrible, like many of your kids when he was a little kid.

[327] Kind of joking, but not really.

[328] But one, the big principle he teaches kids is this, if you learn how to control yourself, your parents won't have to.

[329] So he does a little joke there where he says to your kids, look, next time your kids say, hey, get off your screens.

[330] If you say, okay, mom, what will happen is.

[331] your mom will faint because she's never heard that before and then you can play the rest of your night kidding but he teaches that which is really cool so you can go to your kids say guys listen you get your video games back tonight i'm going to give you 27 minutes again but here's a little wrinkle i'm going to throw into this a little incentive if you two will turn off or this could be a single child however you want to do it if you turn off your video games um two minutes early i will give you an additional four minutes to play tomorrow night.

[332] That's right.

[333] If you turn them off two minutes early, then you get an additional four minutes.

[334] Why am I doing that to teach them delayed gratification, to teach impulse control?

[335] If you go to your child and say, you know, if you turned off five minutes early, never going to happen because your kids are already addicted to it.

[336] But it may be a week from now, but when they yell into the kitchen, Mom, Dad, we turned off the video game two minutes early, now you get to bring your positive intensity and that's another discipline tool is positive affirmation positive intensity and i get to come in a room say that's cool you guys just chose to turn off your video games two minutes early and in return you earned an additional four minutes tomorrow night what that tells me is i can begin to trust you because you're exercising self -control and the more you control yourself means i don't have to control you, fist bump, pretty awesome, right?

[337] So does that make sense?

[338] So look, let's tie this together.

[339] We're going to give kids lots of tools to succeed, making things a challenge, doing a different way, right, mixing it up a little bit.

[340] But at the end of the day, when I want something done, it's even a matter -of -fact tone.

[341] It's very low -key.

[342] I let the kids know that they've got a choice, that I make a promise, and what I want them to know throughout their entire years from the time they are two until they are 52 is, I always keep my promises.

[343] So teenager, when I tell you that that is your curfew, that is your curfew.

[344] And if you come home 30 seconds late, you will lose that car for the next three weeks or a week, whatever it is you want it to be.

[345] I just, you know, You've got to, I don't want to get into that, but you've got to make sure your, your expectations are realistic and your consequences are realistic, right?

[346] You're not going to drive for another three years.

[347] But I have no problem with saying, hey, 30 seconds late, you forfeit the car for the next three days.

[348] Dad, I was only 30 seconds late.

[349] I know.

[350] I just want you to know.

[351] And see, watch what the tone is.

[352] And this is the hardest part is you're not lecturing.

[353] You know what?

[354] I was a kid, if I came home late, you know what, I don't know how many times I have to tell you, all these long lectures and lectures about, you know, you learn to learn how to be responsible because if you don't come home, when I, I'm not doing all those things.

[355] Your kids already know that.

[356] What I'm letting my son, when I did this with my son, I would just say, just place the keys in the dish over there.

[357] Seriously, dad?

[358] Seriously, I'm 30 seconds late and not going to lose it for three days.

[359] I'm not reacting to that.

[360] He would get a little bit vocal.

[361] He'd get a lot vocal.

[362] He'd probably, I'm sure at the time, he'd be like, well, this is stupid, right?

[363] I'll know anybody listened to you as a parenting expert.

[364] Your stuff's stupid, right?

[365] I'm not going to react.

[366] I don't take it personally.

[367] He's just mad at himself.

[368] No, just leave the keys in the dish.

[369] Because my tone is, I just want you to know when I tell you something.

[370] I mean it.

[371] I'm not mad at you.

[372] right i'm i'm i'm okay with you not driving i'm okay with you not being on video games for the next three days i hope you do it all the time right i there's no anger there's no there's no need to get all dramatic and go through all this stuff you get the point so if you need anything contact our strong will child casey he's pretty awesome kid he'll help you with anything you need go to celebrate calm dot com you can sign up for a free newsletter you'll find um uh podcasts there you will find some specials there with Get the Bag.

[373] I believe we may still have our Valentine's Day special and the Christmas special.

[374] If you look for it hard enough, you may find it there.

[375] So take advantage of it.

[376] It's pretty cool.

[377] Listen to it.

[378] Work on yourself.

[379] Work on yourself.

[380] This is cool because we're breaking generational patterns.

[381] Thank you for listening to the Calm Parenteering Podcast.

[382] I hope to talk to you soon.

[383] Bye, bye.