“Dynamo Is Dead!” - The Heartbreaking True Story Of Why Dynamo The Magician Vanished For Years! (Exclusive)

[0] I can't turn off the noise.

[1] And if I saw myself in a mirror, I'd slam my head into the mirror and just keep slamming it to make it go away.

[2] That's why I disappeared.

[3] But it's not the only reason why it disappeared.

[4] Magic couldn't fix me. Dynamo!

[5] Illusionist, magician extraordinaire!

[6] Are you watching closely?

[7] Was there a moment you look back on and say that was my rock bottom?

[8] The 6th of November, 2020.

[9] Because that was the day and I tried to kill myself.

[10] Your wife found you unconscious?

[11] in the dog bed.

[12] Magic's always been the thing that has given me hope that I've used to overcome the bullying, overcome the racist abuse, and the lack of belief.

[13] And it made me stand out in a different way.

[14] Dynamo!

[15] Shout out to my home boy, Dynamo!

[16] Everything your touch is turning to gold, and you become this sensation.

[17] And then in 2017, you stopped suddenly.

[18] I got really sick.

[19] I couldn't hold the cards anymore.

[20] My body was deteriorating.

[21] And then at that same time, your grandmother had passed away, who was your biggest supporter?

[22] I'd also had that you'd had had a legal dispute which meant that you could no longer use the name Dynamo.

[23] I had so many problems but I couldn't figure out how to even solve one of them.

[24] I felt if I'm not here then everybody else might be happier.

[25] I realised then the Dynamo's where you know it needed to die and I'm finally feeling it again.

[26] Now I just need to get magic back in my life.

[27] Dynamo or should I say Stephen, is there some magic you can show me right now?

[28] What?

[29] Oh my God!

[30] I've never shared this before, but three years ago, Dynamo walked up to me when I was at a Christmas party.

[31] I'd never met him before, and he whispered something in my ear that, quite frankly, stopped me in my tracks that I could not believe.

[32] I knew Dynamo is this incredible online magician, and what he said to me that day, I was unable to forget.

[33] He was in a dark, dark place.

[34] He was engaged in a legal battle, and he had just lost the right.

[35] to use his own name.

[36] He could no longer call himself Dynamo.

[37] He was no longer able or allowed to do magic.

[38] And this stranger that had walked over to me at that Christmas party was suffering in a way that I've never seen before.

[39] And just a week ago, Dynamo texts me and said, it's finally time to tell my story.

[40] And that is what you're going to hear today.

[41] The story he whispered in my ear at that Christmas party all those years ago.

[42] Where has Dynamo been?

[43] What happened?

[44] And what happens next?

[45] Dynamo, or should I say, Stephen?

[46] We're friends, you can come where you like that.

[47] Stephen, in researching your story, I've been surprised, inspired, shocked, but in many ways, it's given me the context I think that was missing as to how a man like you committed their life to magic.

[48] For people that don't know your story, your earliest years, and the context back there in Bradford in 1980, two, what is the context that we need to understand in order to understand you?

[49] I think, ultimately, it's the fuss that sometimes magic is found in the most unlikely places.

[50] And I was a kid in a council estate with no hopes, no kind of not much family around me, no real direction, and if anything, I should never have amounted to anything.

[51] So for me, just trying to not be confined by my environment, by my circumstances, is the magic I've been searching for all my life, and hopefully I can use the magic I've now found to inspire others who might find themselves trapped in a similar position.

[52] Bradford, 1982, you said you didn't have a lot of family around you.

[53] What family did you have and not have around you?

[54] I mean, I was just born, so, you know, I can't remember exactly everything from literally 82.

[55] But from, say, 80, from 86, I believe that was when my dad went to jail.

[56] So he wasn't around any longer.

[57] My mum was there, but she had me really young, but she will have been about, she'll have been about 20 then.

[58] So a young mum losing, you know, losing her partner who would have been raising me with her.

[59] So your mum had you at 16?

[60] Yeah, she was pregnant at 16.

[61] Okay.

[62] Was there racial issues in your childhood?

[63] Because I think you're, are you by racial?

[64] Yeah, yeah.

[65] My father's Patan, my mum's English.

[66] Okay, Patan, I'm not familiar.

[67] Yeah.

[68] It's a tribe.

[69] It's parts of it in Afghanistan, parts of it in Pakistan.

[70] It's kind of scattered around the world.

[71] You must have been what four years old when he went to prison.

[72] Yeah.

[73] Did you understand what that meant?

[74] No. No, not all.

[75] I remember him going out and then just never coming back.

[76] It wasn't until I was a lot older, but I kind of understood that he'd gone away and why he'd gone away.

[77] you know and I kind of it's weird like I was young enough that not having him around became a normal thing like not having a father you know I was on a council estate where other people didn't have fathers around or mothers or you know a lot of broken families so for me it became just a normal way of life I think if I'd have been a bit older and had more chance to understand more and miss more than it would have maybe been harder did you resent him at that age when you started to realize what you had lost in a father I think if I'm honest I resented him more as an adult as I got older like I resented him more when I first met him properly after you know like when I'm he he came to a revolution wine bar in Bradford and this was where when I was 19 years old.

[78] And I'd started to make a little bit of a name for myself with my magic back then.

[79] You know, I'd, I'd, I think I would apply for, like, Princess Trust, start up alone and all that sorts of things.

[80] You know, I was basically, you know, starting to go somewhere that was positive in my life.

[81] And I got called by the manager of Evolution saying, oh, there's a gentleman that says, is your dad.

[82] he said oh I'm Dynamo's dad and I'm like that's weird because like I don't really feel like I've got a dad so I'm like okay this is strange and then I said oh well just tell them I'm busy right now but if he wants to come in in a couple of days' time when I'm not working because I was getting ready to do a set at the bar I perform magic basically in the revolution bar and he came back a few days later and I mean he kind of looked like me so I kind of knew it was true.

[83] You know, I asked my mum about it, and she explained, you know, but yeah, he's not in jail anymore, and he's been out and he's been asking about you.

[84] I think he'd tried to call my mum a few times.

[85] He'd called my nana's phone as well, and they'd always just kind of, you know, they saw that I was getting all in my life and I'd got used to her life without him in it, so they felt that it was best for me to not have him in my life.

[86] And then when I met him, it was so strange.

[87] Because he basically said that you've got a, you know, I see you've got a little crew around you.

[88] Do any of your friends want to help shift some stuff for me?

[89] And when I say stuff, I'm not talking about legal stuff.

[90] And at that point, I was just like, wow, you know, he's clearly not being reformed.

[91] And I don't feel like he's the sort of person I need in my life right now because I've spent a lot of my life trying to avoid this type of environment.

[92] How long had it been since you'd seen him at that moment?

[93] This was when I was 19, so from, say, four years old.

[94] So you hadn't seen him for like 15 years, and the first time he sees you, he offers to, he asks you to help him shift some drugs?

[95] Yeah, not just drugs, but yeah.

[96] Trying to figure out what else it could be if it's not true.

[97] Okay.

[98] He was into stuff, lots of stuff, you know.

[99] And, you know, that's the life some people choose, you know what I mean?

[100] Like, I didn't know him enough to have a, to be able to say whether he was a good man or a bad man because, you know, end of the day, just because you do that sort of stuff doesn't necessarily ultimately make you a bad person.

[101] It can be the circumstances that lead you into that world.

[102] but at the time in my life you know I'd been getting some incredible support from Mapper Youth Centre in Bradford I basically was surrounded by for the first time in my life positive role models from you know positive male role models and part of me hoped that when I saw my dad that he could be one of those but I think I was too far gone in the other direction and he was going in a different direction and it just wasn't meant to be and you know I think then I just became indifferent I just thought well you know what I've gone this far without a father so I don't really need one now resentment was that because you were still holding out hope that he was someone else or where did the resentment come from in that moment?

[103] You said that's when you resented him the most.

[104] Because I think he had in front of him an opportunity to connect with me and he saw a different opportunity in that moment.

[105] He cared more about using you as a vehicle to sell drugs.

[106] Yeah.

[107] Are you still holding on to pain?

[108] Yeah, 100%.

[109] There's going to be parts of that, but it'll never be closed off because sadly he's not alive anymore.

[110] People often say to me when I speak to them on this podcast about parents that they've lost that when we lose someone it often changes our perspective on them and the situation and often the issue that held us apart.

[111] When your mum came to you and told you that he had now passed away, is there anything you look back on and go with that new perspective now that he's gone and go, do you know what, this would have been probably a different or a better way of handling the situation.

[112] Is there any regrets there at all?

[113] I can't really have regrets personally because the circumstance I was in was not of my making.

[114] You know, I was told by my grandma and my auntie as well, 90 Mel, but they both would tell me passionately how much my mum and dad loved each other.

[115] But there was also an element that they said it's a good job that he went away because if he'd have not gone away, it's highly likely that my mum and me would have been dead because he was apparently very abusive.

[116] To your mother?

[117] Yeah.

[118] Did you ever know this?

[119] Did you ever see this?

[120] No, I was like I wasn't really, I think it was more before I was born and then, you know, I think, yeah, I was too young to really understand it.

[121] like my mom has told me about stuff more recently and you know my in as i've been like you know uncovering things about myself like i've asked more questions what have you been trying to figure out about yourself a lot of things the last few years um the point in my existence but limitly if we go back to the the rest of the context there um from those early years what were you like socially in school and we were, did you like school?

[122] I like learning.

[123] I like trying to understand things.

[124] But did I like school?

[125] I was scared of school.

[126] Why?

[127] Just because he was to get beat up all the time.

[128] Like it was school for me was painful.

[129] But it wasn't the learning aspect of it.

[130] it was getting to and from the lessons, you know, surviving the playground.

[131] Like, that for me was difficult because I went to a school that was predominantly, you know, a more white school.

[132] So, let's say.

[133] And, you know, I was getting to an age where my complexion started to show.

[134] So it was obvious that I wasn't full English.

[135] So it was a lot harder to hide because.

[136] I was told when I lived on the estate, you know, I was recommended by everybody, you know, by my mum, by my nan, by just anybody who was close to my family at the time, if anybody asks, just say, you're white.

[137] You know, it was kind of ingrained in where we lived to hate anything that is different.

[138] I read about a story where someone threw you into a river.

[139] Oh, yeah, but damn.

[140] Yeah, yeah.

[141] yeah that was um so one of the estates i lived on i lived on quite a few council estates in badford depending on where my mum's boyfriends lived or girlfriends um at a time so so i remember there's delphal estate and then there's woodside estate and separating them is a big massive field and in the middle of the field is a dam and it was where like all the cool kids would kind of go to hang out and i wasn't one of the cool kids but one time I got invited down there so I thought oh amazing you know I'm finally being accepted and when I got there they only invited me down there to kind of throw me in the dam they knew I couldn't swim I didn't have an adult to teach me how to swim till I didn't learn to swim till I was like 14 15 so they threw me in the dam and it was one of the most traumatised experiences I'd felt at that time thankfully there was one guy on the estate.

[142] Wayne Jowett, who basically dived in and helped me out.

[143] And, you know, he was a really good swimmer.

[144] He could get me to safety.

[145] And, yeah, like, stuff that happened all the time, though, it wasn't like, you know, I can remember that because I couldn't swim.

[146] And if you've ever experienced that panic that you get when you, you know, when you feel like you drowning, that I'll stay with you.

[147] Um, you know, I don't like going, you know, I don't like going into the scene and so that.

[148] But, you know, like, getting into water in general is not my favourite thing.

[149] You and me both.

[150] I can't swim either, so I remember the first time I nearly drowned.

[151] And I remember the person that jumped in and saved me when I was a kid as well.

[152] Remember it like it was yesterday.

[153] So.

[154] Yeah.

[155] So, like, that experience happened, you know, it happened on the way to school.

[156] It happened after school, you know.

[157] So for me, the thought of going to school was always like a daunting notion.

[158] there were certain teachers like Mrs. Wilcox, you know, like she's my English teacher and she was really nice and she was really nurturing and I didn't feel stupid in front of her because in a lot of the classes when, you know, when the teachers are asking you to get involved I was so nervous of other people's opinions in the class that if I spoke up, if I put up my up to answer a question and it was wrong, then that just was going to lead to more getting beaten up harder after school or, you know, more ridicule.

[159] So I kind of kept myself to myself, but at the same time, I was just like this, this like sad loner kid who would take the long way home, so I didn't get beat up.

[160] I remember speaking to Israel, Adasanya, who was the UFC world champion and him telling me a very similar story about taking the long way around school so that he would avoid the bullies on the playground and all of those things.

[161] Again, in his situation, it was heavily racially motivated.

[162] He was this kid that had flown to New Zealand from Africa.

[163] He was the black kid.

[164] And so he was, he ultimately turns to fighting as a way to help him survive.

[165] Yeah, I mean, he's very good at it.

[166] Very good at it.

[167] I've seen him.

[168] He's amazing.

[169] Well, I think about your story and I go, In a way, did you turn to magic as a way to help you to survive?

[170] Ultimately, that's where it ended up.

[171] But I didn't turn to magic.

[172] Magic kind of found me because it was never something I was into initially.

[173] It was something that my grandpa used to do.

[174] It do tricks here and there, you know, like the sort of things you see a guy doing a pub, you know, nothing like super amazing.

[175] but to me he was like kind of the main male role model in my life and he was always the life of the party you know and he seemed to have an answer to every single problem and one day when he was picking up from school like he saw the sort of things that was happening to me and I never knew he'd saw this but you know he'd always get to the school playground early so you know so he didn't want to be late for picking me up and often I'd walk out the door and straight away I'd kind of get in a fight or get, you know, get caught up in something.

[176] And he'd kind of stayed back and never really got involved.

[177] But he saw it kind of be quite bad one day.

[178] And when he was walking home, he's telling me he's going to, like, show me some things, you know, that might help me. And I'm thinking, oh, yeah, it's going to be like karate kid, you know, Mr. Miyagi, you know.

[179] Like, but it wasn't any of that stuff.

[180] He's, he's shown me magic.

[181] And he says, you know, these things, they get me positive.

[182] attention when I'm out and about when I share these things.

[183] So maybe try these.

[184] And I was scared at school about trying them because I'm like thinking, well, I'm already seen as this weird or this outcast.

[185] Like how is now, you know, is sharing magic with people?

[186] Because magic wasn't like a cool thing.

[187] Thankfully, it made me stand out in a different way.

[188] And it deflected attention from me and there was definitely some people that you know shunned it didn't like it but there was enough people that thought it was interesting and you know kind of kind of cool that it got people on my back that was really where the magic began properly that's before that point, it was, you know, it was something that I was using to deflect attention from the other areas of my life that I was trying to hide.

[189] It's quite remarkable how many times I've heard similar stories about someone finding a way to belong through a craft or through singing or through acting, whatever it might be, and then them committing their life to that.

[190] It's almost like they become addicted to it in some way.

[191] And I guess the issue is when you ask yourself the question, what am I now without it?

[192] Do I therefore not belong if I don't do magic?

[193] Yep, I know that feeling all too well.

[194] I'm sure we're going to come to that.

[195] At about 13 years old in 95, you're diagnosed with Crohn's disease, which is very young, I believe, to be diagnosed with Crohn's disease, which is a lifelong disease.

[196] It's like a severe inflammation related to irritable bowel syndrome, from what I understand.

[197] Yeah.

[198] And it can be life -threatening as well.

[199] Yeah, yeah.

[200] I've had a few moments where I've had life -threatening operations.

[201] How does that change the picture at 13 years old with that diagnosis?

[202] And what led up to that diagnosis?

[203] Well, before the diagnosis, I'd got to, you know, my teenage years where you, you know, you kind of start to have changes, right?

[204] you're going through puberty.

[205] And I was definitely like a bit of a slow start.

[206] I was still, you know, all the kids at school were getting bigger and I was getting smaller.

[207] Or it wasn't getting smaller, but they were getting bigger and I just basically wasn't really kind of growing at the same rate.

[208] And my mum started to take me to the hospital to get tests done to try and figure out, you know, what was up with me, which I understand why my mum would do that.

[209] But at the same time, for a kid who feels like they don't belong, to then be taken to hospital, to have tests done on me, to figure out what's wrong with me, like suddenly I'm like, well, all right, I don't belong and I've got something wrong with me. I mean, this is, you know, like, what is the point in me?

[210] You know, am I broken?

[211] Do you know what I mean?

[212] So, I mean, there clearly was issues, and they found Crohn's disease.

[213] And I guess now, I feel that's quite a, it's an incredibly good thing to have done.

[214] The problem was back then, there wasn't enough known about Crohn's as there is now.

[215] Right.

[216] The doctors understand it a lot more.

[217] They understand how to treat it.

[218] and people are a lot more open to, you know, to it.

[219] You know, essentially, it's an illness that affects your bowels, which ultimately affects, you know, shit and how your body digest things.

[220] And that's not the sort of topics that, you know, are that easy to talk about, especially when you're, you know, a teenager going through your formative years, you know.

[221] Is there a lot of pain associated with chronic disease?

[222] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[223] stomach cramps, you know, I mean, if I don't take my medication, I'm on at the moment, I can struggle to walk or to even get out of bed.

[224] Really?

[225] It's like having a wound inside your tummy.

[226] And it's like an open wound.

[227] And every time you eat, you're essentially, it's like rubbing dirt into that open wound.

[228] So it's never going to heal.

[229] It's going to constantly keep getting infected and it's going to constantly keep being inflamed.

[230] and because it's inside you like you know your gut affects every part of your body you know so and then it has side effects which one of the side effects is reactive arthritis which is what I suffer from where if my crones flare up which can be brought on from simple things like just just everyday stress like all to you don't have to just eat something for it to be bad like you can you can have a stressful day and it can you know give you a stomach ache, which then can ultimately spread to the rest of your body and make you feel debilitated.

[231] And that if you've got to be active arthritis, it means that all your joints start to seize up and ache, hence why sometimes I struggle to walk and kind of function.

[232] And, you know, you kind of need your mobility to be a good magician.

[233] So, you know, for me when that, yeah, when that happens, it stops me from being able to perform the way that I've kind of gone to love.

[234] And that will then have knock on effects that are psychological.

[235] Yeah.

[236] And every case of Crohn's is different.

[237] You know, it affects people in different ways.

[238] But ultimately, yeah, imagine having stomachache just all the time and being scared to eat because you don't want to, you know, eat something and it ruined, it wipe you out for the rest of the day.

[239] So you go to this new sixth form college, you end up dropping out of college because you decide you want to pursue magic full time.

[240] And then you go off to America, where you stayed with your grandmother in America.

[241] By the age of 17 years old, you have that operation for your crones, which removes part of your stomach.

[242] And then at sort of 20 years old, you end up back in London.

[243] And that's when you started to sort of gain a following for your performances online.

[244] I think, you know, most of us saw that chapter of your life, I believe, most of us, through videos on social media, stuff on TV and all of that.

[245] And from there on, it really looks like your career starts to take off.

[246] Because I was looking through your biography, and at 22 years old, you receive an invitation to perform at the United States Super Bowl.

[247] By 29 years old, you have your own TV show called Dynamo Magician Impossible.

[248] And then that shows a smash hit, wins all these awards, best entertainment program.

[249] Is that really in your view where things started to take off?

[250] You're 29 years old, 30 years old, everything your touch is turning into gold and you become this kind of sensation.

[251] I guess that depends on what you class as like, what is success, right?

[252] Because for me, the beginning of success where things started to take off was when I got my Prince's Trust business style blown.

[253] You were what when you were 16 or something?

[254] No, I was a bit, I was older.

[255] It was, it was 2002.

[256] 20.

[257] Mm -hmm.

[258] Like, before that point, I thought one day I'm going to have to go up or one day I'm going to have to get, you know, like...

[259] A real job.

[260] Yeah, yeah.

[261] Yeah, yeah, you know, I think right up until, you know, right at my tall, like my grandpa died and my nana passed, you know, I think they were still thinking that I might get come home one day and say, oh, I've got a proper job, man. When was that?

[262] My grandpa died in 2012, right?

[263] And he died in the middle of my second series of magician impossible.

[264] So he got to see some of his, like, the way he nurtured me and helped me, you know, and shared that magic.

[265] He got to see some of that magic get brought to life on screen.

[266] So that's probably some of my proudest moments.

[267] but then my nana sadly she passed in the last couple of years I don't think I think anybody really knows about my nana passing outside of you know my family and my friends and for me like my nana was my biggest supporter for everything but I know that she was always worried about me because she always thought that this magic thing wouldn't work out and she wanted me to have something to fall back on.

[268] You know, when I dropped out of college to pursue magic as, you know, that's just all I wanted to do.

[269] You know, she was very worried.

[270] She was, she was the one trying to tell me that I should not fall out.

[271] I need to get, you know, get an education.

[272] And in many respects, you know, the advice she was giving was, you know, was good advice.

[273] But luckily, things kind of turned out all right for the, in the magic.

[274] I mean, it turned out all right, it's quite an understatement.

[275] You were magician of the year multiple times.

[276] The TV show Magician Impossible then won the TV Choice Awards as Best Entertainment Show.

[277] You ended that Dynamo's Magician Impossible show after its fourth season, I believe.

[278] And then you barked on your first live tour called Seeing as Believing.

[279] And then when you're 35 years old in 2017, you stopped that tour suddenly.

[280] Yeah, I think the tour kind of run its car.

[281] We did over like, you know, we did a lot of countries and a lot of tickets and it was amazing.

[282] You know, I like trying to push in the envelope with magic and with everything I do.

[283] And I felt like that time on the road gave me time to have a lot of new ideas.

[284] And I felt like I wanted to try and bring some of those ideas to life.

[285] But some of those ideas had to get put on hold because it was shortly after that.

[286] but I got really sick with macrones.

[287] What happened?

[288] It's got food poisoning and that gave me a campillicbacter food poisoning, which basically is like probably the worst type of food poisoning you can get.

[289] And that combined with macrones was a recipe for disaster.

[290] So basically I was in hospital.

[291] I just remember it was like 10 o 'clock and I was getting ready to go to bed.

[292] And I went to the bathroom and I had this like horrible feeling in my stomach but I've got Crohn so like I'm used to kind of having to numb these feelings you know I'm used to just thinking oh okay it's going to be uncomfortable for like half an hour and it'll pass right and it wasn't going away and then suddenly like blood was coming out of my mouth I was vomiting I was blood was coming out of both sides right that's yeah and I didn't know what to do It wouldn't stop.

[293] I was in so much pain.

[294] I was screaming my wife.

[295] And literally, I got rushed to hospital.

[296] And they gave me, you know, they gave me all the medication to try, you know, they put me on the drip and demorphine, everything, and nothing was getting made of the pain.

[297] Like, I never felt a pain like it.

[298] And I just did not understand what it was.

[299] And because of that, it caused my crones to kind of, even I had so much of my crones cut out already in the previous operations it caused it to spread into a different part of my bowel and from that came the reactive arthritis because in the part of the bowel they moved to had different side effects that I'd never had before like I remember like just getting these sensations where like you know I'd got kind of over the a few months later I'm over the like food poisoning element of it you know I'm out of hospital I'm kind of you know trying to get home in my life but I'd be holding my cards you know I'd be doing you know magic like things you know stuff that I do in my sleep right but suddenly I was getting like shooting pains in my joints and I was like electric shocks I couldn't hold the cards anymore I was struggling to move, you know, like I'd be in a seat and I won't be able to get up because like my knees would be like stuck and I'd never had that experience before and I suddenly felt like Mr Burns, you know, from the Simpsons.

[300] You know, like he seems really like fail and weak and I felt like I was, you know, I was, I wasn't old, I was like I felt like I should be my prime, you know what I mean?

[301] And I couldn't understand it.

[302] I felt like, I felt like Like, my body was deteriorating around me. And so I went basically on medical trials for the next few years.

[303] And the thing is with medical trials is that when you try a new medicine, you have to try it for three months before the doctors will write that off as not working and try on a new medication.

[304] but there was times when I knew within the first two weeks it wasn't working but I had to go the full three months and in those three months you know my symptoms weren't getting better if anything they'd get worse and it you know it wasn't until we got to the 9th month where I started this medication called Imflixomab where you have to go to the hospital every few weeks and you get put on a drip and you stay there for like eight hours and they basically put this medicine inside you and that really had an incredible effect like that gave me a new lease of life I felt stronger, I probably felt stronger than I'd felt before I was on it but then COVID happened it stopped my inflixomab from working so suddenly I mean 2020 and I'm on medical trials again and I tried you know I tried so many different medications and it was it wasn't until like the beginning of 2021 where I really got one that was really working properly and even now I'm on that but it's still I still have like I have three days a week where I'm really bad where my joints just don't really work back well and my crones my stomach feels bad but yeah that that was a big part of the reason why i uh kind of i guess disappeared for a while but it's not the only reason why he disappeared for a while yeah i think um everything that my body was going through everything that i was going through the pressures of you know trying you like wanting to do magic and the pressures of trying to trying to sustain a career and live up to people's expectations was almost an impossible task to do whilst I was trying to fix my body.

[305] And ultimately, you know, I ended up in a situation where without magic, without being able to do what I loved, not knowing if I was ever going to be able to get it back, made me think what's the point in my existence.

[306] I think my body was kind of imploding and so was my mind what was going on in your mind I didn't know what to do my life didn't know what to do myself but there's a lot of things that I don't want to fully go into so but I'll try and be as give you as much as I can it was just so much noise in my head and I hated myself for feeling how I felt I hated where my body felt because of everything I was dealing with if I saw myself in a mirror in my house I hated what was looking back at me I hated it so much that I'd slam my head into the mirror and just keep slamming it so try and just either make it go away and yeah I don't know I didn't want to be alive because I didn't feel like the life I had take away all the success and, you know, that side of things.

[307] I wasn't living because I wasn't able to do the thing I loved the most, which was magic.

[308] and it was it was a time in my life where I felt that magic couldn't fix me but magic's always been the thing that has given me hope that I've kind of used to overcome the bullying overcome the self -doubt and the lack of belief from others and in my own self and suddenly I'm in a position where I don't know what to do with myself and magic isn't going to fix it and I can't until I'm fixed I can't do the thing that gives me a reason and gives me a purpose in performing magic I can't do that I'm not mentally or physically capable.

[309] How long did that last?

[310] I'm still dealing with it now, for be honest.

[311] Like, it's difficult because I'm a magician.

[312] Right?

[313] And to everybody else, looking at me as a magician, I'm someone who does the impossible.

[314] I'm someone who kind of should be able to do anything.

[315] But I'm a magician who felt like, you know, back then and, you know, and still at times now, I'm a magician who feels like I can't do the first thing that a magician needs to do, perform magic.

[316] so then I'm just an imposter I can't live up to the expectations that people have of me and it's not that I I'm not the sort of person who like searches for validation from other people you know like I mean you know magic is not an art form that is seen as the coolest thing ever do you know what i mean it's you know i'd have set myself up to fail if if you know by by following through with magic um if i'd have been naive to that point you know i mean i know that magic's never been cool right and you know i hope that in some small way i've helped to make it feel a bit cool of them maybe what it was perceived as but magic's the only thing that i'm good at and i think the way that I can manipulate my body and, you know, kind of handle cards and do the things is a big part of what's made my magic unique and feel special.

[317] And not being able to do that kills me. Am I right in thinking that at that same time, your grandmother had passed away, who was your biggest supporter, your body was breaking down because of Crohn's and your illness around that time as well and I'd also heard that you'd had a legal dispute with your management which meant that you could no longer use your social media channels the name dynamo etc etc and that had all happened in this concentrated period of your life there was there's a lot of stuff going on and yeah like you know I I think losing my Nana ultimately was I think the thing that, I guess the straw that brought the camel's back is the expression they use.

[318] Because she's always been the backbone for me. Whenever I felt weak, and there's been a lot of times I felt weak, my nana's always been strong for me. And then with a lot of things going on in my life, with my life being flipped upside down, you know, and then my nana go in as well.

[319] It was just like, man, like, you know, the light, like, it just felt like the world was out to get me. And I kind of wanted the ground to just break open and just swallow me up.

[320] If I was a fly on the wall in your house at that time, what would I have seen?

[321] Hmm.

[322] A lot of stuff that I don't really want, but I wouldn't want anybody to see.

[323] Like, I wasn't very nice to myself.

[324] A lot of pain, but also a lot of numbness.

[325] And I felt that, ironically, actually, I didn't feel.

[326] Like, I felt so numb that I'd hurt myself to try and feel something.

[327] Self -harming?

[328] Mm -hmm.

[329] Does your partner know what's going on in your life inside your head during this period?

[330] Because I have a partner, and I, if I was...

[331] in such a dark place where I was self -harming and doing some of the things you've described that banging my head against a mirror and I was in that sort of cycle of self -hatred.

[332] My partner, I think my partner would know.

[333] Yeah.

[334] She knew.

[335] She maybe didn't know the extent of it to begin with.

[336] And I think also the lost side of things.

[337] you know she obviously felt that herself so I think those things she's dealing with it dealing with her own grief at the same time so sometimes when you're dealing with grief you it's hard to see outside of your own grief to see other people's you know what I mean and we were kind of almost together in those moments you know we came together like you know but she she was the one who ultimately got me to go to therapy and to get the help and support that I needed, really.

[338] In this chapter, was there a moment you look back on and say that was my rock bottom?

[339] Yep.

[340] The 6th of November 2020.

[341] The 6th of November 2020.

[342] Almost three years ago today.

[343] Exactly.

[344] Why was that the hardest day?

[345] Because that was the day that I knew that, you because she found me and I tried to kill myself She found you in the house She found you unconscious Yep, in the dog bed What are you comfortable talking about?

[346] I mean I'm not Super comfortable At life Generally, so You know, just talking This is the first time I've Kind of done an interview That's not been with a therapist since 2020.

[347] So, you know, I trust you.

[348] You've, you know, you've been a bit of a, you've been a help for me over the last few years.

[349] So I guess if you're respectful, then I respect what you'll do with what I say will be done in the right way.

[350] There's two things.

[351] There's two things.

[352] I want you to feel comfortable about whatever you say, but also after this conversation if there's anything you're not comfortable with having said you can of course let me know and it won't be it won't be out there in the world but I want to I think the question that I understand like that I think is of most value is understanding how someone gets to that point I've actually spent quite a long time speaking to Simon Gunning who's the CEO of Calm campaign against Living Miserably and he's done a really great job of helping me to understand suicidality as a topic, but also when I have a public platform like this, where I speak on these subject matters occasionally, about what elements of that are useful for people that are in that mindset now.

[353] And what he's shared with me is part of it is people understanding how someone gets there, but also understanding how they go from there, and they rise out of that situation.

[354] What was on your mind when that led you up to that moment?

[355] I felt that I had so many problems that I couldn't figure out how to even solve one of them, and the problems weren't just affecting me. They were affecting my household.

[356] They were affecting, you know, just my family's life.

[357] And a big part of me thought, if I'm dead, then my problems won't affect these other people in my life.

[358] And they will be all right.

[359] Because I felt like ultimately I was the problem.

[360] It was quite a simple kind of that.

[361] That was it.

[362] It was like, okay, if I'm not here, then everybody else might be happier.

[363] And they can get on with their lives and, you know, like, that was it.

[364] Your wife finds you that day in the dog bed and then she calls an ambulance?

[365] She called Edward Despot, who's my doctor.

[366] He's my gastronologist, my colon specialist.

[367] And then I remember, well, she was on the phone to him when I kind of came around and she was just crying.

[368] And that's, you asked me a moment where it feels like it was the worst.

[369] I'd probably hurt myself worse on previous occasions.

[370] But I'd never been found by the one person in this life whose opinion I'd, genuinely care about and no matter what I do now in the future there's nothing I can do that can erase what she saw and that's the thing I'm the most ashamed of because in the moment I felt like I was trying to maybe do something that would take all the problems I thought I was facing and remove them from everybody else's world.

[371] But I'd not actually thought about what these people would feel if I wasn't here.

[372] Do you know what I mean?

[373] So that's the shame that I feel for that.

[374] I don't feel ashamed for feeling the way I did, but I feel ashamed that.

[375] And my wife kind of saw that.

[376] Like, it's just embarrassing, in it?

[377] She's the person I'm supposed to be strong for.

[378] You know, she's the person who relies on me. I'm, you know, I'm the husband.

[379] I don't mean that.

[380] Like, I know we live in a modern world, you know, where, you know, you don't.

[381] But, like, I'm supposed to be there to be strong for her.

[382] And I couldn't even be strong for myself.

[383] Can I ask you a question?

[384] In that, when someone is in that situation as you were psychologically, what do you think those around them can do to support that person?

[385] Or do you think there's very little those around?

[386] I'm trying to really understand how to support someone, you know, in my life that would be in such a mindset.

[387] I mean, I guess what my wife did.

[388] like not just naturally you would call someone for help like a doctor or something like that but I mean even though I still feel it and I can't necessarily speak on her behalf but she didn't make me feel ashamed she loves you doesn't she yeah it's one of the greatest gifts isn't it to have someone in your life like that, that you know, just loves you through thick and thin.

[389] From the experience and how she's been even up until now, you know, how she dealt with it and dealt with me. And I think it's the first time outside of my Nana, outside of family who, you know, they have to do it.

[390] unconditional, right?

[391] Because they're family, their blood.

[392] But it's the first time that I have actually felt the love of somebody else.

[393] Like, because we've been married a long time before then.

[394] But, you know, you, you just never know what someone's going to act like when shit really hits the fan.

[395] And they see you naked.

[396] Yeah.

[397] And I was exposed, you can't get any more exposed than what I felt.

[398] And she became the rock.

[399] She gave me a love that I've never had to deal with it.

[400] And, you know, it's, yeah, that is something that I didn't necessarily maybe know I needed in my life until that moment.

[401] and that ultimately has kept me alive.

[402] Around this time there's a dispute with your management.

[403] What are you able to tell me about that?

[404] Because I know it's a legal dispute, so there's things that probably can't talk about, but I think it's important context to understand what you're going through in this moment as it relates to your sense of purpose and identity and all those things.

[405] What are you able to tell me?

[406] I think I was at a time in my life where I felt lost and I knew if I stayed doing things exactly the same way that I'd always done them, then you're only going to get kind of the same results, right?

[407] You know, if I'm feeling suicidal thoughts and I'm feeling kind of like worthless, The only way to break that cycle is to have a fresh start.

[408] It's needed to break away from everything and ultimately, you know, you've started many of businesses and, you know, I'm sure some of those have failed and some of those have, you know, you've had to have, you know, go your separate ways at times.

[409] So that happens in business and I think there was a lot of work needed.

[410] to be done on myself and which had to take time away from that like yeah I can't really touch on it too much I'm trying to be extremely careful what I say it's all good I'm actually quite interested in the not what happened but the consequence of what happened so because I've noticed you've not been posting on social media in a while for example so I assumed that one of the consequences of this separation with your management was you've not you've not been able to use your social media accounts and we've not seen you on the internet as much is that a correct assumption I don't feel like I've wanted to kind of post things because I felt like my life isn't been worth sharing so So, you know, whilst I've been trying to fix myself, I didn't feel comfortable kind of sharing in those moments and kind of just let the lawyers do what they do and figure that stuff out because I'm too busy trying to figure out what's going on in my own head, you know, how to kind of just get to a place in this world where I, I, I'm too busy trying to figure out what's going on in my own head, you know, how to kind of just get to a place in this world where I, can deal with the pressure of life.

[411] Ultimately, all I wanted to do, which is, you know, what's led me to hear with you today, is get to a place in my life where I could share magic again.

[412] And even if my arthritis and my crone stopped me doing it in the way I used to, I had to find a new way to share it.

[413] and there's certain things in the past that I've had to go through negative experiences, you know, positive experiences, but ultimately I've had to go through those things to learn and grow from them and some things I've had to leave behind.

[414] And I'm...

[415] Speaking of things you've left behind, are you still done?

[416] anymore.

[417] Palm is always Dynamo, yeah, of course.

[418] But the thing is I've battled with knowing who, they almost like has been a battle between me and myself because the lines are so blurred or were so blurred between you know the Stephen that you know and the Dynamo that, you know, the greater world kind of knows.

[419] So then like it's just been it's been a lot of confusion right in simple terms it's been a lot of confusion because Dynamo is the part of me that feels like he can do anything but Stephen's the flawed human being that realizes and knows that he can't and it's a conflict and then when my body's falling apart my life's falling apart part.

[420] I'm losing everything in my life outside of magic but I love.

[421] Then I'm just an empty show and that's the sort of feeling that makes you think like what is the point?

[422] Why am I here?

[423] Like I am worthless to this world if I can't share the only thing that I feel I'm good at.

[424] people will be sat thinking why can't you share it because partly for some reasons that you know are outside of my control legal related reasons some and yeah sure um you know and then partly because mentally I was wasn't free.

[425] Like, I need to be free in my head to create material, to create the magic I share.

[426] But all that was in my head is horrible things, is things that I can't shut off.

[427] I can't turn off the noise.

[428] So then there's no space for magic to find its way in.

[429] So I guess it'd be like, the equivalent to writers block like magic writers block like I don't if that's a real thing but that's the only way I'm trying to simply explain it the way that I heard it from what you just said about the noise was I can't write if there's loud music playing with lots of lyrics in it so when I do writing I have to turn off loud music with lyrics in it or else I can't my brain can't focus on both so I was almost imagining being in a room with really loud had music playing and then me trying to think and write and I just wouldn't be able to.

[430] Yeah, like, my body was not allowing me to perform in the physical sense, in the way that I wanted to, you know, I was, you know, some of the medication was working well and I was doing good, but then, like, mentally, like, I wasn't in a fit state to do magic, you know, and because of things that was going on behind the scenes.

[431] I also, it was really complicated, you know, even getting work.

[432] And then naturally with that, you know, it's going to come financial pressures, which is the last thing you need when you're also dealing with everything else.

[433] So, ultimately, I had too many horrible thoughts in my minds to try.

[434] I had too many problems to solve to even think about magic but then me not thinking about magic you just then that's a depressing notion because that's so much of your purpose and meaning and joy and yeah and it's not just tricks it's not you know I'm not when I talk about magic in this sense like there's the there's the card tricks there's the things that people see right but for me magic is a feeling it's something you experience in your body when you witness something that you can't explain or when you see something that feels impossible but feels like unobtainable right putting a smile on someone's face is a magical thing and that's what I've spent my life doing but the irony is I was in a position where I couldn't put a smile on my own face so how am I meant to do that for anybody else if I can't do the simplest thing for myself and you go to therapy at this point you said yeah my wife was on the phone when she found me to add their spot who's my gastronologist, right?

[435] And then he put my wife in touch with a therapist called Edward Sim.

[436] And I had some sessions with him initially, but this type of therapy can be quite expensive.

[437] So, like, I got, like, the first few bills and I was like, I can't sustain this, I need it.

[438] But having to pay for therapy was, was making me more stressed in the process because I just couldn't afford the therapy.

[439] But Edward, Sim, he showed me a kindness that I've kind of been, you know, but I haven't seen in a long time, especially at that time.

[440] Like, he contacted my wife and just said, listen, I want to help him.

[441] I'll do it for free.

[442] And he's been looking after me. me ever since and you know like for free yeah wow i mean i've you know i've i've keep offering to pay now you know i'm in a slightly better place and but he refuses you know he um but you know i think you know he's someone who i want in my life forever and you know i want i want to be able to repay i'd never be able to be paying for what he's done for me but like Yeah, I mean, he introduced me to so many different things.

[443] Like, stuff that I, like, I use this thing called Sonic Reset Therapy.

[444] Don't know if you know about him.

[445] It's this, like, noise that you listen to, I listen to it twice a day for 20 minutes.

[446] And it's definitely become something that calms me down.

[447] and helps me sleep at night and then what do you think it's doing what is it doing for you it's just kind of resetting your mind in a way or?

[448] Yeah I think that's I mean I think I guess that's the intention behind it as I listen to it it tells me to think about negative experiences or think about positive experiences that like think about goals you want to achieve or think about things you want to get past and just let them come into your mind at the forefront and it's really strange like it just has a real calming effect we'll try and get hold of it and we'll try and include it in the description below yeah yeah it's you know like it it's been it's been helping me you know I'm sure it will help others but you know there's lots of different things like one of the things that he suggested to me which at the time when he suggested it it was such a weird thing is he recommended that I read the Alcoholics Anonymous book.

[449] Now, I say it's a strange thing for him to recommend for me because I've never drank alcohol in my life.

[450] I've never done drugs other than what the doctor's prescribed for me for my Crohn's.

[451] So I've literally been teetall forever, do you know what I mean?

[452] So, like, I just naively assumed that, you know, this is a book to help someone who is an alcoholic.

[453] Yeah, I've actually, I've got, I still carry my copy.

[454] That's yours.

[455] This is my copy.

[456] And in researching your story, I've realised the significance of this book, so I just bought a copy of it.

[457] Yeah.

[458] For people who've never read it, I recommend reading it.

[459] You don't have to be, I'm a testament, you don't have to be an alcoholic to read it and gain something from it.

[460] You know, essentially it's broken up.

[461] into 12 steps and each chapter, each step is a lot of people's like short stories of how they overcome different phases of addiction or trauma.

[462] Ultimately it's trauma, but it's in the in the alcoholics and honest book obviously it's specifically kind of aimed at, you know, addiction in that sense.

[463] And as you hear all the stories, it's very easy to replace the alcoholic side of it in this book and put your own trauma or grief that you're trying to deal with in that place.

[464] And it's like a blueprint.

[465] It's like literally people are telling you how they overcome a certain thing and it might not work everything might not work for you as an individual but I took so much from this and you know it's it can it's kind of written maybe from like a spiritual perspective you know I'm not particularly religious like um but ultimately it's about trying to get you to believing something greater than yourself to help you find your purpose and for me I've always known what that is it's been doing magic right but I didn't know how to get back to that place without dealing with all these things I was dealing with you know like and I've kind of you know gone through the 12th step book but I've kind of gone through my own 12 step kind of recovery like going through the different emotional phases that I've been trying to overcome, you know, and some of those involved, like, you know, going back, looking at my past, you know, looking at, you know, the situation of my dad, you know, looking at my mum, you know, like, because I think if I'm honest, there was definitely, there's definitely been a lot of resentment towards my mum, um, over the years.

[466] Um, because Because when my dad went away, like, you know, as my mum, you know, my mum's now, you know, living a different life without him, you know, naturally she's going to get to a stage where she wants a new boyfriend, a new partner.

[467] She wants a life of her own, right?

[468] But there's quite a few of those men that came into her life that were horrible to me. You know, the big part of that was because I was a mixed race kid and we lived in her.

[469] you know quite a racist area so you know a lot of the men you know didn't want me they wanted my mum because my mom was lovely how did you know they didn't want you just they would tell me they would tell you yeah it was like yeah they'd just tell me or they'd they'd do things that showed me that they didn't want me i i i pretty much moved with my grandparents when I was 15.

[470] Like, because the men in my mum's life, just, I wanted my mum to be happy, but that came at the sacrifice of my own happiness.

[471] It meant that she'd be happy because she'd get the love maybe that she thought she needed, but I felt like I lost my mum in the process.

[472] So there's been resentment.

[473] It's not been like, surf on the surface resentment like you know I'd still see my mum at Christmases and stuff like that but we never really had that the bond that I thought we should have had but kind of one of the things I got from from the book is I've had conversations in one moment but I've never that I've been too scared to have and I've actually got to understand her better and this is the wrong word but because ultimately she doesn't need forgiveness because knowing her story, she hasn't done things wrong in, you know, she hasn't purposely done things wrong for me to go, I forgive you, right?

[474] But there was, knowing what she'd been through, it's in these conversations that I've learned about some of the physical abuse that my dad would do and also the other partners of hers would have given her.

[475] And I think she'd been trapped in a cycle of, you know, not necessarily kind of picking the wrong partners and just kind of trying to do the same thing over and over again, expecting different results, you know, which, you know, you can't blame someone for, like.

[476] I mean, I've come to learn from doing this podcast and speaking to a lot of psychologists that specialize on love that we often seek out the form of love that we grew up on, and sometimes that's an abusive form of love.

[477] So many psychologists that have spoken to have alluded to this, but a few have said this quite directly that if you were at a very young age, had a sort of a toxic attachment with maybe a figure in your life, there's a chance that you'll then grow up and seek out toxic attachments in the cycle that you've described.

[478] We tend to think that we'll, you know, we tend to think that if we've been in a toxic situation when we were younger, for example, that we'll then seek out really, really healthy situations because we know what bad looks like but in fact i've been told that it's often the opposite that we go back to the cycle of love that we were familiar with yeah familiarity seems to be the key word yeah people find safety and familiarity yeah even if that familiarity isn't actually safe yeah i i i can feel that this book this very small book there's something about this these ideas that seem to reach people when they're in their toughest moments.

[479] Step number one, we admitted we were powerless that our lives had become unmanageable.

[480] Step two, we came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

[481] Have you had to admit you were powerless and have you started to believe in a power greater than yourself?

[482] Oh, definitely.

[483] I mean, I've felt powerless for years.

[484] like I know that I'm not in control like my onus has debilitated me for so long but just when it always seemed to kind of pop up you know when when I'm kind of flying high when I feel like untouchable then suddenly I get a little reminder but you know I'm fallible I've got weaknesses you know and can't get above my station so to speak but but yeah I think I think that I've always looked for the magic in the wrong place.

[485] And what I mean by that is that I've always looked for the magic in me to help me out of whatever situation I was in.

[486] And what this book opened up my mind to the idea of, is the magic in other people.

[487] You have a TV show coming out tonight, which is really your grand return to the public stage.

[488] And that TV show is called Dynamo is Dead, and it's appearing on Sky tonight, which is very, very exciting.

[489] And I guess this links to what you just said about finding the magic and others, right?

[490] Yeah.

[491] Yeah.

[492] Why are you doing this?

[493] What is it?

[494] I just need to get magic back in my life because that's the thing that I live for and over the last few years when I've been working on myself seeing a different type of magic seeing magic in other people is what's given me that spark back and the magic I've been seeing it's not dynamal magic you know it's something different.

[495] It's something that I'm feeling and I'm finally feeling it again.

[496] In fact, I feel like I'm feeling it for the first time.

[497] Like, Edward Sim, my therapist, he's a very successful therapist.

[498] He doesn't need to offer me therapy for free.

[499] But he wanted to share some of his magic and that started to rewire my mind to realize, whoa, like there's some amazing people out there who can you know who they can change lives they're changing mind you know when i saw you three years ago and we shared a candid conversation you know about some of the things i was feeling at the time you first off listened to me and there was no cameras around it wasn't like this you know it was just you were you were present in the room with me And then not only did you listen, but you, you kind of helped in a small way.

[500] And that was magic.

[501] You know, I don't know if anybody knows who's watching this, but you are part of my new show.

[502] I don't know if you've told anybody yet.

[503] So you can also see you on the show tonight in a different way than maybe they're used to seeing you.

[504] Definitely.

[505] But like your story, you know, like, I think one of the things I realized For a lot of people from places like where I'm from, speaking to a therapist seems like the last thing you would feel comfortable doing.

[506] You know, I'm from a councillor state.

[507] We're working class.

[508] We're like, you know, you're told if you've got a problem, suck it up.

[509] You know, be a man. You can't talk about your problems, you know.

[510] Like, you just got to get on with it, you know.

[511] What's that expression that keep calm and carry on?

[512] It was like it's kind of like instilling us I wanted to show people from where I'm from that it's okay to ask for help it's okay to be broken it's okay to not know the answers and I'm not too proud to go out there and search for the answers for people, you know, like, and I've gone around the world using the, you know, the platform that I have, you know, I've, obviously as Dynamo, the name opens doors, so, but opening doors just for myself, it's pointless because it's only feeding my own ego.

[513] I realized that if I could use that platform, platform to speak to individuals candidly about dealing with any type of trauma, dealing with not feeling good enough, dealing with all the things that I felt that made me not want to be alive anymore, then maybe that can save someone else's life.

[514] And I know it's a grand, grandiose mission statement.

[515] I don't take it lightly.

[516] I don't, you know, I, like, I can, I'm barely saving my own life at a minute to, you know, so I don't want to, like, thought it so loosely, but, you know, that, like, I can save someone else's life.

[517] No, but that's exactly what it does.

[518] That is exactly what it does.

[519] And their lives that you never really get to see, but just even in sharing how you felt and how you've risen from that, this is exactly what Simon Gunning told me, it does save people's lives.

[520] And in this new chapter of your life, following this show tonight called Dynamo's Dead on Sky, you're going to continue to do that.

[521] And if there was ever a time, and I think this is why when you came up to me at that event many a year ago and started telling me a little bit about your story, I think I probably said it to you then, but I'm not sure, if there's ever a time when people need that, when they need a little bit of joy, and they need a little bit of escapism, and they need a little bit of wonder, and they need their imagination to be stretched and to what is real and what is possible and what is impossible.

[522] It is now, and you know that.

[523] You know that's what people need now.

[524] And that means we need you now.

[525] I had the idea, obviously, to make this show when we first started speaking.

[526] But when my nan died, I realized then that the dynamos we know it needed to die with her.

[527] and that the only way to fully have closure on that part of my life was if I actually bury myself alive and tonight after the show plays out live on Sky I'm going to be doing that you're going to bury yourself alive in order to kill off the dynamo identity yeah and yeah i mean i haven't i haven't put myself in that hole yet right so you know what will happen after that point is hard to really kind of summarize because there's only been a few times in my life where i've done like crazy like you know endurance feats like this and something in you changes when you do them you know you know it's an incredibly scary thought but since I've thought about it you know since the 7th of May 2021 I thought it's the only way to move forward in my life and yeah tonight after the show finishes you'll be able to see it live but it's not not for me, it's not like a stunt.

[528] It's not about escaping.

[529] It's a cleansing for me. And I feel like it will be one of the most incredible, scary things I've ever done.

[530] But the thing I've learned over the last few years is that I've got to stop being scared and just start living my life.

[531] I'm both terrified and excited in equal measure to watch the show tonight I had no idea you were burying yourself alive so that's terrifying but I understand your rationale and I'm very excited to see what happens Stephen I would like to see some magic if possible is there some magic you can show me right now yeah do you want to get some of your friends in as well my team yeah my team are upstairs.

[532] Jack, could you bring the team downstairs?

[533] What do you guys do here at DOAC?

[534] I am a video editor with Anne.

[535] I'm head of trailers for the podcast.

[536] There's some good trailers as well.

[537] Thank you.

[538] Thank you.

[539] I'm head of the bookings.

[540] Do you want to make some?

[541] You go for it.

[542] You go.

[543] You want it as well.

[544] So we'll split them.

[545] You can both.

[546] Is this the best shuffling you've ever seen?

[547] I mean, it's not bad.

[548] It's not the worst.

[549] Usually it's when you normal cards and you just do all that stand that addition here and mix these over as well mix these in so i'll mix these all together yeah yeah yeah so you what let's just have everybody pick one we'll just we'll just try this so take one out simon there we go um here we go thank you don't let me see i'll look down so i can't see them just remember them and maybe show them to the camera so that the people at home can remember them too yeah cool i'm gonna i'm gonna look up now yeah It's one, two, three.

[550] I'll give them a shuffle.

[551] I'll do one of those for you.

[552] That is so cool.

[553] Oh my god.

[554] So the first card then, that's one.

[555] King of Diamonds.

[556] That's mine.

[557] That's your card.

[558] Oh my God.

[559] Have that thing up.

[560] If I, name your card out loud.

[561] Four spades.

[562] Four of spades.

[563] If I just take this and just give it a little snap like that.

[564] We get the four estates.

[565] So, um, it's them two, I think.

[566] I've got...

[567] It's like, yeah.

[568] And then for Stevens, instead of finding it, I'll just, I'll make all the other cards.

[569] Disappear.

[570] Give him.

[571] What?

[572] Oh my god.

[573] Where's they gone?

[574] When you look under your pillow tonight?

[575] Yeah.

[576] They won't be there.

[577] Oh my God.

[578] Wow.

[579] That was mega.

[580] Shit.

[581] Don't worry, I did bring a spare deck of the car just in case.

[582] How many packs of cards do you are?

[583] I mean, I'm trying to cut down to two packs a day.

[584] Yeah.

[585] Take one.

[586] Thank you.

[587] And then, Steven, have you got a penny?

[588] Can you write your name on the face of the car?

[589] Oh my nose.

[590] On this side, yeah?

[591] On the other side.

[592] And in fact, pass it around so all of you can sign it, yeah?

[593] Oh my god these ones.

[594] I've seen these on telly.

[595] Getting a few things I'm going to need.

[596] Perfect.

[597] Have you signed it as well?

[598] Yeah.

[599] Yeah.

[600] Great.

[601] Place it right there, first down.

[602] Yeah.

[603] Did you show the camera?

[604] No. Maybe show the camera real quick, yeah?

[605] So it's about halfway down.

[606] I've got a pound coin.

[607] Do you want to check it up?

[608] I can confirm it's a real pound coin.

[609] And I've got a little piece of paper.

[610] I'm going to...

[611] Place it like this.

[612] In fact, you can see clearly, but the cards, it's in the middle where you place it.

[613] That's not the card.

[614] Not on the top.

[615] That's going to be it, isn't that?

[616] The bottom.

[617] See, the coin burns through the pack.

[618] You like through.

[619] But it didn't go all the way through the pack.

[620] You see it stopped on one card.

[621] Take a look.

[622] You take a look, man. You know.

[623] You don't.

[624] No Oh my days My hands are shaking Your hands are shaking Jem Yeah I've had a time in your life Where you feel People have got close To you But then They've almost like Load you into a false sense of security So that they can Almost like manipulate you and like Pull at your heartstrings Do you know what I mean?

[625] Have you ever had that?

[626] Ooh I didn't realize this was a Darius of you No, yeah, I guess I could say maybe.

[627] Okay.

[628] Okay, cool.

[629] It doesn't have to be a person, I think, but just a time where you've experienced that way.

[630] Maniculation.

[631] Yeah.

[632] So put your hand on my chest.

[633] And I want you to start to describe the types of emotions you'd feel when you went through that sort of thing.

[634] Insecurity.

[635] It's lack of confidence.

[636] Stupid.

[637] Okay.

[638] And then I just want you to name a colour.

[639] Red.

[640] Okay.

[641] So imagine these feelings were attached to a heartstring.

[642] A heartstring would be red, right?

[643] You can feel that pressure, right?

[644] Yeah.

[645] So I'm just going to pull down my top where your hand is.

[646] Oh, red string!

[647] What?

[648] See that?

[649] Oh my God.

[650] Can you see that, right?

[651] It's coming out of your chest!

[652] Oh my days!

[653] Just...

[654] So I touch it?

[655] Yeah, you can check it.

[656] It's coming out of my chest, like you can feel it on my chest, yeah?

[657] Take it.

[658] Oh god.

[659] Pull it?

[660] Yeah.

[661] Slowly pull it out my chest.

[662] Oh, it's a bit tight.

[663] You're throwing on his heartstring?

[664] Can you feel this?

[665] Mm -hmm.

[666] Okay.

[667] Oh, sorry.

[668] More?

[669] Yeah.

[670] Is it going to come out?

[671] Oh my god.

[672] Oh my god, this is freaking about.

[673] More?

[674] How long is this heartstring?

[675] That's yours to keep.

[676] That's yours to get out.

[677] For me, magic is about taking something that kind of doesn't exist, like a little spark in your mind, yeah?

[678] And then somehow being able to bring it to life.

[679] I spent the last few years not feeling like I had the magic in me that I really wanted to share, but there was always that fire somewhere deep inside of me, dying to get out.

[680] So, can you take the lighter?

[681] And can you put your hands together like this for me?

[682] Like the lighter, because I'm going to take fire, and from fire, get ice.

[683] Oh my God!

[684] Oh, that's actual ice.

[685] Do you need a podcast to listen to next?

[686] We've discovered that people who liked this episode also tend to absolutely love another recent episode we've done.

[687] So I've linked that episode in the description below.

[688] I know you'll enjoy it.