#133 - Charlie Murphy, Freeze Love

[0] Doesn't feel legit until the music kicks in.

[1] That was voiceless, too.

[2] Charlie Murphy and Freeze Love.

[3] And Rich.

[4] Charlie doesn't fuck around.

[5] He brings a whole fucking posse to your house, dude.

[6] I like it.

[7] Freeze Love is my friend from the old days of the Comedy Store.

[8] I've known Freeze for, fuck, like a decade now.

[9] If not longer.

[10] Probably about 15 years.

[11] It's been a long time, man. You've been having a lot of reunions this week.

[12] I have, man. It's been a good week.

[13] What's going on?

[14] Well, I've been in New York.

[15] I've been in New York for like almost eight, nine years now.

[16] So it's my first time back in New York and around the town.

[17] Back in LA, you know?

[18] Yeah.

[19] Usually we go way out in Ontario, you know, out there.

[20] But we're in Hollywood.

[21] Right.

[22] So a lot of people are like...

[23] I thought you were dead.

[24] Yeah, and so you guys have been doing a lot of touring, right?

[25] Oh, yeah, man. All over the country, outside the country.

[26] In fact, we're getting ready to go back to Europe again in October.

[27] Oh, yeah?

[28] And then I'm doing a showdown in Guantanamo, Ben.

[29] That's going to be big.

[30] That's probably where I'm going to film my next one -hour special.

[31] Really?

[32] Guantanamo Bay, huh?

[33] Yeah, Charlie Murphy Library, Guantanamo Bay.

[34] Holy shit.

[35] So would it be 100 % soldiers?

[36] 100 % soldiers, yeah.

[37] Whoa.

[38] Go hard.

[39] Real big.

[40] Will they let you talk about whatever you want?

[41] As far as we know, yeah, man. I was like, you know, when I come down there, I'm not pulling up punches.

[42] They was like, well, no problem.

[43] There was a great story that Louis C .K. wrote on his blog about going overseas to entertain the troops and how enthusiastic the troops are and how good it felt and everything.

[44] Oh, yeah.

[45] He said he kept getting in trouble.

[46] He just couldn't help himself.

[47] With the higher -ups?

[48] Yeah, because they wanted him to be fairly clean.

[49] And he would just go dirty.

[50] Because he knew that's what they wanted to hear.

[51] That's right, man. And after the show, if the general shows up and he had a problem, I'm like, well, I'm not in the Army, so fuck you.

[52] Keep it moving.

[53] Some scary people you're dealing with, man. We're both veterans, man. That's right, man. You had your chance to get us.

[54] That's right.

[55] I'm not doing push -ups for you.

[56] I'm going to come do my show.

[57] and don't like it.

[58] You guys were both in the military?

[59] Yeah, man. I was in the Navy.

[60] He was in the Army.

[61] It's a different breed, man. People have been in the military.

[62] Your eyes are more open.

[63] People have been in the military are like, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[64] This is for real.

[65] This shit's for keeps.

[66] Everybody out there running around playing doctor.

[67] You want to know how the world really works?

[68] Even when they show on the news and they show live footage of a firefight on the news, if you was never...

[69] In the military, you was never around a real firefight.

[70] That's not the same thing as being there.

[71] What you see on the news, it has an effect on you, definitely.

[72] But being there when it's going on has a different effect.

[73] 100 % different.

[74] People get desensitized to seeing shit.

[75] Exactly.

[76] You ain't going to get desensitized.

[77] You stand there.

[78] And bullets are flying by you.

[79] You realize this could be it right now.

[80] This could be it at any moment.

[81] That's right.

[82] Yeah, there's a different breed, man. People who have been involved in the military are a completely different breed.

[83] That's a hard way to live, man. And for a lot of people, there's not a lot of fucking options in this country.

[84] Yeah.

[85] A lot of dudes who jump in there.

[86] But I'm going to tell you something, man. If you ain't got nothing going on, it's not a bad choice.

[87] Point blank.

[88] If you ain't really doing nothing, if you're sitting around going, well, that's a hard life.

[89] I don't want to do that.

[90] and you're not doing anything, you need to do that.

[91] It's better than doing nothing.

[92] Yeah.

[93] That's where I went, Joe, because I would have ended up doing nothing.

[94] I was just sitting at the house getting in trouble.

[95] Really?

[96] Yeah, nothing was going to work in the house.

[97] It was like, oh, go to the military, and I got it together.

[98] So if you're not doing nothing, then that's where you need to go.

[99] Well, men definitely need some form of discipline.

[100] Definitely.

[101] We do.

[102] We need some form of discipline.

[103] We need something to shock us out of our complacency and get us moving.

[104] We need something.

[105] That's true.

[106] Boot camps should be mandatory for every male once you turn 18, whether you go to the military or not.

[107] I think you're right.

[108] The boot camp experience, you know, you should go somewhere and, you know.

[109] Yeah, you should be somewhere where.

[110] Because you're going to learn to take something home with that, you know.

[111] You get in a situation where people that do not love you.

[112] have complete control over your life.

[113] Right.

[114] That's a good understanding of life.

[115] Right.

[116] You know, these are people, they don't care about your feelings.

[117] They don't care.

[118] It doesn't matter.

[119] And you're going to do what they say do.

[120] And if you don't, the repercussions, they're a lot like life, you know?

[121] Right, right.

[122] You're going to be in a bad situation.

[123] So in the long run, you come out stronger, you know?

[124] You don't trip out over stuff like other people.

[125] It's just fascinating that we like to pretend that our society is any more evolved than the Romans or than the Greeks.

[126] And then you really feel like what the military really is.

[127] It's just our hired army.

[128] Exactly.

[129] The people we pay to go fuck people up.

[130] That's right.

[131] Keep it smooth over here.

[132] Keep it smooth over here.

[133] No, no, no. Everything over there.

[134] Tear it up.

[135] Tear it up.

[136] Crazy.

[137] That's going to always be the situation on the planet.

[138] As long as you've got people in different countries and all that stuff, you're going to have competition for resources.

[139] You've got to have army.

[140] I know, but we don't have any idea what it must feel like to be invaded.

[141] That's got to be some trippy shit.

[142] Could you imagine if you were living in Afghanistan, for say?

[143] You know, Afghanistan is a fairly rural place.

[144] It's a very strange country.

[145] There's only one real city.

[146] Kabul's the real city.

[147] Everything else is all these territories run by warlords.

[148] It's very strange.

[149] And if all of a sudden...

[150] Tanks show up, giant metal tanks and fucking jets flying overhead.

[151] And you're like, what the fuck?

[152] You're just out there with your goats and your bitches trying to keep everything down.

[153] Yeah, that would be a...

[154] And all of a sudden there's American troops, tanks and guns and helicopters.

[155] I think it's even more scary to imagine that happening here, period.

[156] Oh, yeah.

[157] In my house.

[158] Of course.

[159] That's the way I can identify with the fear of it happening at my house.

[160] But if I look at it on my block and I've seen tanks coming up the block and all that, that would be really, you know...

[161] Well, we like to pretend that we're the peak of civilization, right?

[162] But we're doing that to somebody else.

[163] The peak, you know, there easily could be an advanced race above, you know, or an advanced country, rather, above this one.

[164] There could be some new military power that all of a sudden starts taking over, and we could be in the same situation that, you know, other countries are as opposed to us.

[165] Oh, yeah, that could happen.

[166] That most definitely could happen.

[167] I mean, things switch over time.

[168] It might not be something instantaneous, but in a few months or a few years' time, it could get all fucked up.

[169] I'm going to tell you, my service, I was in Berlin.

[170] And this was like in 1985, 86.

[171] This was all before the wall had come down.

[172] And we were literally stationed in the heart of Berlin.

[173] And Berlin is like Manhattan of Europe.

[174] So we would have tanks rolling down city streets.

[175] right past city buses.

[176] God damn.

[177] And it felt weird.

[178] It felt weird.

[179] How did the people respond to it?

[180] They were desensitized.

[181] That's been that way since they put the wall up in 61 or 62, whenever it was.

[182] So they were used to it.

[183] But even for me, I never got used to that.

[184] I was always weird.

[185] Wow.

[186] That's one of the things about going out of Guantanamo.

[187] They had that wall there, too.

[188] When I was in the Navy, we went to Gitmo.

[189] So when I go back to perform down there, it's like my first time there.

[190] But they have that wall there with the soldiers on the wall.

[191] And they tell you, if you approach that gate or if you try to go through it, they shoot the kill.

[192] And it's from both sides.

[193] It's from both sides.

[194] If you try to come into the U .S., they're shooting the kill.

[195] If you try to go into Cuba, they're shooting the kill.

[196] Isn't it fucked up that that's cool, that we allow that?

[197] Like, there's some Area 51 spot where if you cross the line, there's a certain line where you get too close to Area 51.

[198] They're just allowed to shoot you.

[199] Yeah, it's like once you cross this line, we just shoot you.

[200] We don't have to explain nothing.

[201] Yeah.

[202] Like, what the fuck?

[203] What kind of ridiculous rule is that?

[204] That's so ridiculous that the people that are in charge of the government would allow something like that.

[205] You can just shoot someone who's driving, and you don't have to explain shit.

[206] National security.

[207] You might think about it.

[208] What's behind?

[209] What's over there in Area 51?

[210] You might be like, if you knew what it was, you would be like, listen, they got to shoot anyone that comes in here.

[211] I've always wondered whether or not it's really alien shit or whether it's just...

[212] secret government projects you know everybody claims alien shit but if you don't know what the fuck they're capable of and you think it's one thing but it really is far more advanced you would probably think it was alien and then the the rumors get spread and you know if you're some scientist that's Thinks he's a bad motherfucker.

[213] But meanwhile, there's some Russians that figured out some shit that nobody else has.

[214] And we've got their information.

[215] And it's in a hangar somewhere in the desert.

[216] You stumble upon that.

[217] You'd probably think that's alien.

[218] You'd probably think, where is this coming from?

[219] Oh, my God.

[220] I think if you mean a fully realized human being, you'd think he's an alien.

[221] Because most people are not.

[222] You know what I'm saying?

[223] We don't use our whole brain, bro.

[224] We don't?

[225] No. We're the only species on the planet that don't.

[226] We only use 10 % of our brains.

[227] For the brain capacity, we only use 10 % of our brains.

[228] Why?

[229] Why?

[230] How come elephants use 100 % of theirs and their elephants?

[231] They can't drive cars, but we use 10 % of ours, and we do all this technical stuff.

[232] I think that's urban myth.

[233] We only use 10%.

[234] I've seen it.

[235] I'm pretty sure.

[236] I saw that debunked.

[237] You saw that debunked?

[238] Yeah.

[239] He's looking it up right now.

[240] He's looking it up.

[241] Yeah, because I want to know this.

[242] I've heard that before.

[243] I heard it too.

[244] We don't use our entire capacity.

[245] Yeah.

[246] We don't.

[247] Why not?

[248] You know what I'm saying?

[249] Or is it being controlled?

[250] Yeah, it's a myth.

[251] Oh, they say it's a myth?

[252] Yeah, it's a myth.

[253] Yeah, we talked about this in the podcast once before because I had heard someone else say it too.

[254] It's a misquote of Albert Einstein or the misinterpretation of the work of Pierre Florens.

[255] Charlie Murphy just misquoted Einstein and Pierre who?

[256] Florens.

[257] Florens.

[258] It's one of those things that everybody says.

[259] I graduated from Roosevelt Junior Senior High School, so that's the end of my story.

[260] Newton South, class of 85.

[261] No, I think a lot of people think this.

[262] People say this all the time.

[263] So we use 100 % of our brain.

[264] I don't think they understand it that way.

[265] I think we know what areas of the mind are stimulated during certain activities.

[266] We can monitor the mind.

[267] But there's a lot of what is the consciousness.

[268] Where is the consciousness stored?

[269] Like, for instance, when you see a person that has psychic ability, right?

[270] Do you think that that person is special?

[271] Or that they just tapped into something that we all have, but we don't all use it?

[272] You know what I'm saying?

[273] I think most psychics are full of shit.

[274] Most of them.

[275] Not all of them, though.

[276] I'll leave room.

[277] That's what I'm saying.

[278] When you see somebody like Michael Jordan, the way he took basketball.

[279] He was the psychic?

[280] No, I'm saying he tapped into something.

[281] He tapped into something that nobody else tapped into as far as playing the game is concerned yet.

[282] He took it to the highest level.

[283] Yeah, he took it to the highest level.

[284] Does that mean that nobody else can do that but him or just that nobody else tapped into what, you know.

[285] Well, there's also freaks.

[286] You know, there's freaks.

[287] Like, you know, just like John Holmes had a big giant dick.

[288] That's abnormal.

[289] He's got this abnormal dick.

[290] In your world.

[291] In my world, yes.

[292] Who's a good Lexington Steel?

[293] Is that a better example?

[294] He's a black guy with a giant dick.

[295] Okay, that's an unusual organ.

[296] Who's to say that there aren't brains capable of being hyper -powered like that?

[297] Some guy's got a fucking 20 -inch dick brain.

[298] You know, and that's what it is.

[299] That's what I'm saying.

[300] If he has a 20 -inch dick brain, then he's fully realized.

[301] Yeah.

[302] To us, he would seem like an alien.

[303] Like, this guy's so smart.

[304] Right.

[305] You see that guy that was on, they had him on the news.

[306] He was doing all these different mathematical solutions at one time.

[307] He was talking to like 15 people, and he was telling them the day they were born.

[308] Through asking them math questions.

[309] The day that their children were born, he was answering questions about their life with math.

[310] What?

[311] Yeah, he had a whole room full of people.

[312] There's one guy in the world that does that.

[313] But then I have to go, what is he tapping into that allows him to do that?

[314] And it's all manipulation of mathematics.

[315] Wow.

[316] His grasp on understanding mathematics.

[317] He could do like a...

[318] 1 ,000 mathematical joints at one time.

[319] Wow.

[320] You're going 1 plus 1 is 2, 3 times 6 is.

[321] Jesus Christ.

[322] While you're doing that, he's doing 15, 20 of them at the same time.

[323] You ever see those dudes play chess where they play 10 games at a time and they'll walk up and down the table and play these people?

[324] I participated in one of those guys.

[325] That felt horrible.

[326] Really?

[327] Horrible.

[328] I felt like an idiot.

[329] That's amazing.

[330] When I was in the Navy, this dude took...

[331] It's amazing.

[332] Took the entire mess deck, like 45 guys, chess boards in front of us.

[333] Oh, my God.

[334] And he started at the first guy, and he walked to the last one.

[335] And when he walked back, he did maybe three laps, which means he beat everybody in that room in three or four moves.

[336] He took everybody out quick, man. But this guy couldn't tie his shoes, though.

[337] Oh, really?

[338] Yeah.

[339] He had to wear loafers.

[340] He never could mess to tie his shoes.

[341] What?

[342] What, for real?

[343] Yeah, what do they call it?

[344] Idiot survivor?

[345] Idiot survivor.

[346] It's like that other guy.

[347] He was a weapons officer, man. He was real smart with stuff like that.

[348] When we came to common sense things, blew him away.

[349] Wow.

[350] That's interesting, man. Yeah, life balances itself out in one way or another.

[351] Somehow it bounds us.

[352] You don't get to be super intelligent and be cool.

[353] Right.

[354] They got this one guy that's got these real thick, I mean, super duper thick Coke bottle glasses.

[355] Right.

[356] And what he does is he looks at, they took a picture of the New York skyline, a 360 picture of the New York skyline.

[357] And they showed him the pictures and he's got the pictures all up close to his.

[358] to his eyes through these thick glasses, and then he walks into a room and he paints with a pencil.

[359] He draws the whole skyline exactly to a tee from memory.

[360] That's the kid that can look out the window.

[361] Yeah, we've talked about this kid before.

[362] He can look out a window of a plane and see a city and then draw that exact image.

[363] Wow.

[364] Right.

[365] It's incredible.

[366] That's what I'm saying.

[367] And they're using the same muscle we use, the brain.

[368] I think when you see something like that, you've got to say, okay, clearly there's levels of potential that haven't been tapped.

[369] And if we're evolving, and we think we are, right, we think at one point in time we're some lower primate and we evolved to become human, we're not going to stay this.

[370] We're going to get something else.

[371] And when you see these savants, you see these people with crazy abilities, what that represents to me is potential.

[372] This is a potential performance of the human body.

[373] It's just not working in all of us yet.

[374] But if this guy can do it, yeah, yeah, he shits himself, and yeah, yeah, he can't fucking watch TV without screaming and running into the walls, but he can still take a picture with his mind and draw it, and you can't do that.

[375] If you could do that, too, and all the other stuff you do.

[376] Wow.

[377] See, that's when we've evolved.

[378] Because, I mean, if I had to take a choice, I think I'd rather just not be able to draw and not shit my pants on myself.

[379] I would say that, too.

[380] I would go with that, too.

[381] Yeah, I don't want to be some extreme example that's crying all the time.

[382] Some extreme example.

[383] They can't get my shit together.

[384] Listen to him play the violin.

[385] Just keep doing these problems, Paul.

[386] He's killing himself only once.

[387] Just keep doing these problems.

[388] Becoming the best at something, at anything, and trying to become the best, you risk becoming a fucking mad person.

[389] You risk becoming a crazy person.

[390] To get out there, to really get out there, to hit the highest highs, you almost have to just be fucking nuts.

[391] You almost have to just let it all go.

[392] You almost have to be just willing to go to places that other people won't go quicker than they're willing to go harder with more discipline, further, further, further.

[393] And as you're doing that, man, you separate from humans.

[394] You get so wrapped up in trying to accomplish something, and you become crazy.

[395] I've seen it happen.

[396] I've seen people go crazy.

[397] We've seen people on our sport.

[398] Yeah.

[399] He shot lasers at me the other day.

[400] Really?

[401] For the folks who don't know, Robert William Appervire is a comedy store legend.

[402] He's a dude who used to hang around the comedy store, and he was always wearing plastic bags and stuff.

[403] He was kind of homeless.

[404] And he would have all these one -liners about weed.

[405] He knew all this information about weed.

[406] His whole act was about weed.

[407] Everything.

[408] I mean, like, if you want to grow 35 plants, then you need to have...

[409] Five clones, but you have to catch him at the right month, and he wouldn't know everything.

[410] Yeah, but he bought a new suit recently, though, so things are on the up and ups with him.

[411] All right.

[412] I'm glad he's alive.

[413] Pharmaceuticals, baby.

[414] He was always very friendly.

[415] I've never shaken his hand, but we've always been very cordial and friendly with each other because he won't touch people.

[416] He won't touch people.

[417] I try to give him knuckles once.

[418] I prefer not to do that.

[419] I prefer not to.

[420] I prefer not to do that.

[421] And so he doesn't like being touched, the poor guy.

[422] And, you know, you can only speculate as to what the fuck that's all about.

[423] If someone doesn't like...

[424] being touched.

[425] Who doesn't want a good hug every now and then?

[426] Again, this was a guy who wanted to be a comedian so desperately.

[427] He just put himself in the comedy world.

[428] I don't know if he was ever funny.

[429] He made me laugh a few times.

[430] They were silly.

[431] He had some silly one -liners that were funny.

[432] Maybe he was molested by a fellow comic.

[433] Maybe.

[434] Maybe he won't give up the knuckles.

[435] It's nasty.

[436] Did you ever look at fake big dick black porn?

[437] Oh, yeah.

[438] You know, like where it's like, yeah, this is a real dick.

[439] They have artificial dicks and they don't pull them out.

[440] They keep them in their pants and they just like pull out this fake dick like, yeah, that's my dick.

[441] And it doesn't even look real at all, man. It's ridiculous.

[442] No, they just do it.

[443] This guy makes films.

[444] He makes videos.

[445] But it's a fake dick.

[446] And you could buy it, too.

[447] So if you want to have a fake big black dick.

[448] Nah.

[449] It's so ridiculous.

[450] I mean, his special effects budget is very minimal.

[451] Because this dude doesn't even take his pants off.

[452] He's just got this fake dick poking out of his zipper hole.

[453] What's the guy's name?

[454] We just met a guy like that down in West Palm.

[455] It was this dude named Jab Time Boogie.

[456] Jab Time Boogie.

[457] I brushed the hairs up on my chest.

[458] We met this guy.

[459] He came to the show and he said he wanted to do 10 minutes, which I always let any comedians that are local come and do some time.

[460] You should never say that on the internet.

[461] Well, I said it, man. I said it.

[462] You better get busy because if you don't, you know what's going to happen.

[463] That's beautiful.

[464] You let anybody do 10 minutes.

[465] Everywhere I've been, dudes come up to me and say, yo, man, I'm struggling.

[466] I'm trying to get it cracking.

[467] Wow.

[468] And you let them go up and do 10 minutes?

[469] Yeah.

[470] Charlie Murphy, you're a fucking beautiful person.

[471] Sometimes it's to the audience's chagrin because, you know.

[472] Sometimes it's terrible.

[473] Yeah, wow.

[474] This dude came up.

[475] He had the fake dick going around his knee.

[476] Like a poster kielboska.

[477] He looked like his dick wrapped around his knee.

[478] Wrapped around his leg.

[479] Was that part of his act?

[480] That was part of his act.

[481] He came up, he was primarily displaying his fake dick, and I was sitting in the back going, wow, you know, we can say what we want, but that is show business.

[482] That is show business.

[483] That is show business.

[484] He's on the stage.

[485] He's on the stage.

[486] There's a light on him and people are looking at him.

[487] He had everyone's attention for about two minutes.

[488] I don't care what you want to say about it.

[489] That's show business.

[490] Therefore, that could be you.

[491] That could be you.

[492] So consider yourself fortunate that you don't have to put on a fake dick to stand in front of a crowd and get paid.

[493] Sing songs about your chest hair.

[494] Yeah.

[495] That's a hell of a way to make a living.

[496] You ever have a hard time getting...

[497] Being in the military is hard shit.

[498] That's hard.

[499] Do you ever have a hard time getting the guys off stage where they don't want to just do 10 minutes, they want to keep going?

[500] That dude wanted to stay on.

[501] He thought he was killing them.

[502] Everyone was looking at him like, yo, what are you...

[503] What is this about?

[504] Okay, joke's over.

[505] Come on, let's do it.

[506] I was like, y 'all think you better like him?

[507] He was bugging, man. You took the craziest path into comedy ever, man. And I always admire you for doing that.

[508] When we met...

[509] Charlie and I did this thing, the Maxim Comedy Tour.

[510] It was Charlie, me, and Johnny Heffron.

[511] We had a great fucking time.

[512] We got to become friends, but I was always impressed that you were an actor, essentially.

[513] When you went on Chappelle's show, you were just a guy who was really good at telling stories and a really good actor and the brother of the most famous stand -up comedian possibly of all time.

[514] And you just jumped right into headlining, man. You just jumped right in.

[515] That takes some crazy balls.

[516] I think about when I first started doing stand -up, if someone said, okay, now you're going to do 45 minutes, I would have just shit all over myself.

[517] You just went right in.

[518] You never had a moment where you were like Charlie Murphy, the middle act, who toured the country and tried to do little gigs.

[519] You just went right into the fucking flame, which is really hard to do.

[520] And I'm going to have Freeze Love as my opener.

[521] Yeah.

[522] And told me, don't hold back.

[523] Do you.

[524] And...

[525] My attitude has always been, because of the age I was when I started doing stand -up, I was like, you don't got time for all that.

[526] You were already a man. You don't have time to be opening for people.

[527] You don't have time for it.

[528] You got to show up with something to say.

[529] Do you have something to say?

[530] Okay, if you have something to say, let's go iron it out and make it happen.

[531] If not, leave it alone.

[532] You had evolved the philosophy by the time you ever got on stage.

[533] When I first got on stage, I was 21.

[534] I was an idiot.

[535] I didn't know shit.

[536] I had no business telling anybody anything about anything.

[537] So I would just talk about pussy.

[538] I would just tell sex jokes.

[539] I mean, that was like my whole act.

[540] Plus, the first time I got on stage and did a show and got paid for it, I probably got paid way more money than I deserved.

[541] But once I tasted the money, that was like, there's no way somebody's telling me I can't go back up on that stage again.

[542] Yeah, man. I was like, I'll do whatever I have to do to stay up there.

[543] I was telling people in the audience, look, man, you don't understand.

[544] I'm going to beat you up for real.

[545] I'm really going to bust a mic stand on your face.

[546] You better let it go because I'm not giving this job up.

[547] And I stayed with it, man. How old were you when you first got on stage?

[548] 42.

[549] Wow.

[550] Yeah.

[551] Wow.

[552] So what was that like, man?

[553] What a giant shift in your life.

[554] Like all of a sudden.

[555] It was huge.

[556] And touring all over the fucking country, constantly performing.

[557] For the first two years, I didn't believe that it was real.

[558] It was like, okay, they're being courteous to you because they like you on the Chappelle show.

[559] And they're not booing you or nothing, so go get this money and have fun.

[560] But don't take it serious because at any moment.

[561] It's going to disappear, you know what I'm saying?

[562] But then that didn't happen, and it became a responsibility.

[563] Like, okay, it's not disappearing.

[564] It's your responsibility to take this as far as you can.

[565] Wow, that's a weird way of thinking about it.

[566] So why did you think that it was going to go away?

[567] Was it because it was too good to be true?

[568] It was too good to be true, man. Yeah, it was too good to be true.

[569] Me going in a room and standing on the stage for...

[570] At that time, you know, 15, 20 minutes and getting, you know, 5 grand, 10 grams.

[571] What?

[572] For talking?

[573] Yeah.

[574] Too good to be, about whatever I want to talk about?

[575] Come on, man. It wasn't like somebody said, you have to do, in acting, we give you a script, a part, and we have to deliver this guy to the audience.

[576] Not you.

[577] Stand up is you.

[578] So that was too good to be true.

[579] I was like, what, man?

[580] Come on, man. What's the hardest part about starting that late?

[581] Is it that you're already set in your ways and you've got to shift your whole life around because now you're a stand -up comic?

[582] No, the hardest part about starting out that late for me was that I had most comedians that were my age.

[583] I'm 52 years old now.

[584] You look fucking great.

[585] Most comedians that were my age had a lot of fans their age.

[586] You know what I'm saying?

[587] I have fans my age, but I have also a lot of fans that are 21, 18.

[588] And now because of the new show I'm doing with Terry Crews, are we there yet?

[589] Five and six years old again.

[590] A lot of kids are popping up.

[591] Wow.

[592] So when I started doing stand -up, I was like, who are you talking to?

[593] You can't talk to everybody.

[594] You can't talk to little kids the same way you talk to adults.

[595] And the answer that came back was just be yourself.

[596] And the people who you're supposed to be talking to are going to show up.

[597] The ones who you ain't supposed to be talking to will not come back.

[598] And I've been doing pretty good with that.

[599] I just do me. That's why I've been able to go all around the world and have had no problem because when we get there, I'm not struggling with, oh, I'm in Stockholm now, so how am I going to?

[600] No, I'm in Stockholm.

[601] So you're going to get the same thing in Stockholm that you're going to get.

[602] in Hollywood or that you would get in New York.

[603] Yeah.

[604] Me. And that's it.

[605] That's all I can deliver.

[606] It's me. There's something beautiful about that.

[607] That's a wisdom and an approach when you're 42 that you don't necessarily have when you're 21.

[608] When you're 21 and you first start out doing stand -up, you really shouldn't be talking.

[609] You should be listening.

[610] Your point of view is really irrelevant.

[611] Yeah, you should be listening.

[612] Oh, you start talking about relationships and all that stuff.

[613] You're 21.

[614] It's like, stop it, man. You only had one relationship.

[615] Let me tell you how to raise a family.

[616] The difference between black folks and white folks.

[617] You're how old again?

[618] Yeah, exactly.

[619] All that kind of stuff, you know.

[620] I think the fact that I was a man when I started, I was already a full -grown man, helped me out a lot.

[621] Yeah, because stand -up ultimately becomes about your point of view.

[622] It becomes you breaking down.

[623] I've been alive for X amount of years.

[624] This is how I see it.

[625] Boom.

[626] That's what your stand -up eventually becomes.

[627] And you're already there.

[628] You already had so much life experience to jump in at 42.

[629] Oh, yeah, man. And then have the nerve to, because it's courage, the courage to stand in and tell people.

[630] Because I think it's funny.

[631] I'm going to hit you with it.

[632] Boom.

[633] Now, we all know as comedians that sometimes you don't get that explosion.

[634] You don't want that not to happen.

[635] It's a possibility, but that's the risk we got to take, right?

[636] Yeah, bombing sucks.

[637] Bombing sucks.

[638] It's part of the program.

[639] It's part of the job, yeah.

[640] It's what makes you sharp, though, the fear of it, you know, of the happening.

[641] It's got to be sharp.

[642] It's much harder.

[643] We're out here right now doing my first TV show.

[644] I'm the star of the show.

[645] We're in the midst of doing it right now, and we're going to be out here for six weeks.

[646] And what is it?

[647] Charlie Murphy's Law.

[648] Charlie Murphy's Law.

[649] Charlie Murphy's Law.

[650] It's me as a judge.

[651] If you think of Judge Mathis or whatever.

[652] Right.

[653] But imagine Judge Mathis when he goes home, right?

[654] Oh, okay.

[655] And he has, you know, Judge Mathis' background.

[656] He's a dude from the street.

[657] Right.

[658] Because he adopted this kid that's a bad kid.

[659] So he's trying to mentor this kid.

[660] It's kind of like the courtship of Eddie's father with your son is not, he's not soft.

[661] Your son is really a problem.

[662] Every week there's going to be some drama with this kid where I'm going to have to really, you know.

[663] You know what I'm saying?

[664] Be that.

[665] You know what I'm saying?

[666] You have to knuckle up.

[667] He's not Theo.

[668] Right.

[669] You know what I'm saying?

[670] Right, right.

[671] He's a real kid.

[672] He's a real kid, man. He's like what most people are dealing with.

[673] Right, right, right.

[674] But he's funny, you know?

[675] So if you mix the two things about night court and that blended together, that's what the gist of the show is.

[676] It's going to be me and night court.

[677] It's going to be funny stuff in the courtroom scenes or whatever.

[678] But it's going to be mainly about me and my relationship with my adopted son.

[679] I hope you look into Judge Mathis as your inspiration because I love Judge Mathis.

[680] Judge Mathis is raw, man. That's the fucking bomb.

[681] I love Judge Mathis.

[682] Isn't it weird how we like watching other people go to court?

[683] Raw.

[684] How weird is that, man?

[685] We like watching other people go to court.

[686] Other people.

[687] We like other people to be up there and go, oh, you're fucked now, dude.

[688] I can't believe he said that.

[689] This motherfucker doesn't even have receipts.

[690] You're right.

[691] No receipts?

[692] Why'd you even come, sir?

[693] Shut up.

[694] Shut up.

[695] Why do we like that?

[696] Why do we like seeing other people fuck up?

[697] Yeah.

[698] I think it keeps us on your toes.

[699] It keeps me on my toes.

[700] I think it's just a nice distraction.

[701] You concentrate on their problems so you don't have to think about your own.

[702] You've got some new thing to occupy your mind.

[703] This is true.

[704] I consider Judge Mathis like school, though.

[705] It teaches me what not to do, just like I do with cops.

[706] What does it teach you nothing to do?

[707] If I were to murder somebody, I know not to do this and that.

[708] Judge Mathis has begging skills.

[709] That's what I like.

[710] Yeah, Judge Mathis.

[711] He has professional begging skills.

[712] I wouldn't start no type of...

[713] He can shut you down.

[714] He's quick with it.

[715] He's quick with it, and he says some bone -crushing shit, man. I'm telling you.

[716] I was in the radio station with him.

[717] I'm not going to learn his jokes back, but he really tore that...

[718] What was that DJ's name?

[719] I don't know.

[720] That guy started it.

[721] He came in and started.

[722] He thought he had two, you know, schleps in the room.

[723] First he started with Paul.

[724] He didn't know Paul was a comedian.

[725] And he may freeze.

[726] He actually freeze after about 10 minutes.

[727] He said, hey.

[728] Are you a professional comedian?

[729] Because the room was, like, glasses were knocked over and everything.

[730] People were laughing at him.

[731] He came in the room and started it and got blowed out.

[732] He looked like a tall Gary Coleman.

[733] Right.

[734] That's what Freeze stuck to that whole theme, the Gary Coleman theme.

[735] This dude was about this tall.

[736] Looked just like Gary.

[737] Ripped him in the room.

[738] And then we went into the booth, the actual room, to do the interview.

[739] Judge Mathis is in there.

[740] So the guy just finished getting embarrassed by Freeze.

[741] He wants to redeem himself.

[742] He said something to Judge Mathis, and then Judge Mathis took it to the next level.

[743] It was like they played a relay race with that guy.

[744] Like ping pong, wasn't it?

[745] He had him.

[746] He freed his head and them off to Judge Mathis.

[747] And what did Judge Mathis say?

[748] He destroyed him.

[749] He destroyed him.

[750] What did he say?

[751] He said, first of all, climb up out of that hole when you talk to me. That's what he was told to do.

[752] Wow.

[753] I mean, the dude was...

[754] Why is there a judge talking shit to you?

[755] Yeah.

[756] And at one point, my man said something about downtown L .A. Oh, yeah.

[757] He said something about transvestites.

[758] And the dude said, yeah, yeah, Judge Memphis.

[759] I know you want to go down there and see all them transvestites.

[760] Judge Madison said, yeah, yeah.

[761] I do want to go down there so I could watch you stand up and suck dick.

[762] And this dude was like real short.

[763] The judge said that?

[764] Judge Madison.

[765] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[766] Are you throwing him under the bus right now?

[767] It's hard, son.

[768] Is this information they can get him?

[769] He's real, man. Judge Madison is real, son.

[770] He crushed him.

[771] Prison and shit.

[772] That dude's awesome.

[773] No, but to tell a short dude so I could watch you stand up and suck dick.

[774] That was where the brilliance was.

[775] Okay?

[776] Don't get it twisted.

[777] That's what made me go, Judge Matthews is the real deal.

[778] Yeah.

[779] He hit this dude so hard, man. The dude shut up.

[780] The rest of the interview, he was scared to talk, man. He was scared to ask questions.

[781] He would kidnap Judge Matthews.

[782] We was interviewing ourselves after that.

[783] Great moments in criminal history.

[784] True Hollywood stories with Judge Matthews.

[785] I love Judge Matthews.

[786] I could watch you stand up and stand up.

[787] Tommy...

[788] I'm supposed to ask you about Johnny Gill, who thought he could beat Oscar De La Hoya?

[789] Oh, yeah, man. Wow, how'd you know about that?

[790] Somebody told me that.

[791] Wow, how'd you know about that one, man?

[792] I think it was Tom Segura told me that.

[793] That was one of the days when...

[794] That's back when Oscar was still, you know, fighting, too.

[795] That's what made me really angry.

[796] Oscar was whipping somebody's ass, and I'm sitting next to a balladeer, you know?

[797] I respect you.

[798] You're a good singer and all that, but don't point to no fighter and go, I can whip him.

[799] I don't want to hear that, man. He really said that?

[800] Vehemently, man. He jumped up.

[801] The fact that you brought it up, it ain't like I'm snitching.

[802] I told him, if I ever see you and Oscar in the same room, make sure that Oscar knows that you feel that way.

[803] I want to be there.

[804] I'm making sure he knows that you, a balladeer, a cronin, said that you can whip him.

[805] Yeah, man. To me, that was the highest insults of the highest level, man. You making money with roses flying in the air and all that, singing, you going to look at a fighter and talk about how I can whip him?

[806] Come on, man. He needs to know that.

[807] He needs to know you feel that way.

[808] I did it with Mike Tyson.

[809] Remember when he used to talk shit?

[810] Oh, yeah, I'll do this and that to Mike.

[811] So one day we were all together, and I said, you know, Mike, this dude told me. Whip your ass, man. He tells me all the time.

[812] Why don't you tell Mike what you be telling me?

[813] Watched him turn into Kool -Aid in his chair.

[814] What did he say to Mike?

[815] He didn't say nothing to Mike.

[816] That's like he didn't say nothing to Mike.

[817] That was my whole point.

[818] I mean, you probably have encountered it before.

[819] I've been in the hood.

[820] I've been in the barbershop sometime, and I've got to tell folks, man, they'll be like, yo, man, because Mike, you know, Mike, don't, Mike, nothing, man. What do you do?

[821] You work for UPS, right?

[822] Don't bring up Mike's name, son.

[823] Stop it.

[824] Bring up another truck driver.

[825] Because I'll take you out of Gleason's right now and pick out any heavyweight, somebody who you've never seen on TV.

[826] and he'll make you call him the greatest.

[827] Stop it, man. You got a fighter.

[828] You don't do what this guy does.

[829] Respect what he does.

[830] It's like him jumping behind the wheel of your truck and trying to beat you on your route.

[831] It's not going to happen.

[832] I'm going to park this.

[833] It's not going to happen, man. It's a weird thing where dudes get delusional about their ability to kick ass.

[834] It's a weird thing, man. He really thought he, back in the day, I don't know, maybe he's more mature.

[835] But what did he think?

[836] He just think that Oscar Delahoe was getting lucky?

[837] He felt that he could beat Oscar.

[838] He felt he was more powerful.

[839] Faster.

[840] I was like, but you never boxed before.

[841] It has nothing to do with it.

[842] I'm talking about being a man. I was like, what do you think they're doing, man?

[843] What are you talking about, man?

[844] These boys are just fighting, man. Charlie, Charlie.

[845] Talking about being a man. These boys are trying to knock each other's heads off.

[846] Talk about being a man. That's a dude that doesn't understand what an eight -week camp is like.

[847] An eight -week training camp.

[848] He was buff.

[849] Running up the big bear.

[850] I think he was working out with Barry Barnes, and he had a little cut on and everything.

[851] I was like, you know, those muscles don't translate to a win, brother.

[852] They translate to best in show at a bodybuilding contest.

[853] Not that you're going to win the fight.

[854] And if you look at real fighters, they don't have the chiseled body like G .I. Joe.

[855] You know what I'm saying?

[856] Look at Anderson Silva.

[857] Yeah, look at his body look normal, man. Yeah.

[858] And look what happens when those dudes come in with the, you know.

[859] The G .I. Joe kid.

[860] The classic ballet stand.

[861] The problem with all that muscle is it needs fuel.

[862] You've got to feed that.

[863] So you're only good for about 30 seconds, 20 seconds of full fury when you're all big like that.

[864] The guy can hang on to you.

[865] It's like riding a bull.

[866] But the bull is like a real bad endurance.

[867] Then you burn them.

[868] Just ride them until they wear themselves out.

[869] The big, buffed arms, they fill up with blood.

[870] Then they can't move.

[871] They get heavy.

[872] It's crazy.

[873] You watch, like, there's a guy named Marius Pujanowski, world's strongest man, does those crazy fucking things where they throw the beer bottles in the air and lift up cars and shit.

[874] You know, that strong man shit.

[875] He's won it a bunch of times.

[876] And he just started doing MMA.

[877] And he gets fucked up by fat dudes.

[878] He's not throwing a big keg.

[879] He's throwing something with punches and kicks.

[880] Tim Sylvia beat the fuck out of that boy.

[881] He had that dude purple.

[882] That guy was purple as fuck.

[883] Tim Sylvia was like, how dare you?

[884] I was a fucking two -time heavyweight champion.

[885] Or more, maybe.

[886] I don't know.

[887] Either way, he's a fucking world UFC heavyweight champion.

[888] And you think that you can pick up a car so you can kick his ass?

[889] It was like a slow, methodical ass -kicking by an overweight guy, essentially.

[890] The guy with a big gut.

[891] The car's not moving.

[892] The car's not doing techniques.

[893] But if they can get you in those first 15 seconds, you could have a real big fucking problem.

[894] Those guys get street people.

[895] That guy who could throw a car goes to the supermarket and you get an argument.

[896] He could probably throw you across the meat section.

[897] Yeah.

[898] Take your back or something.

[899] You won't expect it.

[900] This guy blew me across the meat section.

[901] But you ain't an MMA fighter.

[902] You ain't a boxer.

[903] You ain't whatever.

[904] Any kind of professional athlete, whatever profession he's in, respect it.

[905] Don't disrespect it.

[906] Straight up.

[907] Now you got me thinking about fights in supermarkets.

[908] Yeah, yeah.

[909] Yeah, man. There's no weight classes in supermarkets.

[910] No weight classes.

[911] I remember a few years ago, this dude was talking about jumping on, was one of the running backs.

[912] And I asked him, they were the same size physically.

[913] I was like, you really think you could beat that guy?

[914] He's like, we're the same size.

[915] I said, yeah, but I've seen him run over five guys his size.

[916] I've never seen you run over nothing.

[917] You have a hard time going up the steps.

[918] You want to mess with this boy?

[919] You know what I'm saying?

[920] You're the same size, but you don't need the same thing, man. Yeah, people don't understand a super athlete.

[921] Yeah, man. That's why we have the ability to buck our eyes, to express that.

[922] To express that when you get surprised.

[923] Oh, shit.

[924] I didn't mean it.

[925] I wasn't practicing.

[926] Exactly.

[927] Yeah, you can't hang out with dudes that talk shit.

[928] Nope.

[929] Talk shit about how they fight Mike Tyson.

[930] Those guys are useless.

[931] I'm telling you, if you come around me and talk about who you can whip, because a lot of my friends are fighters, and I see them in the room, I'm letting them know how you feel.

[932] That's how I roll.

[933] That was the funniest fucking moment.

[934] I'm going to let them know how you feel.

[935] It was me, Brad Blackburn, Maury Smith, and one other, Ivan Salivary, all UFC fighters or kickboxers, and we're all out at a restaurant, and Charlie is convincing everybody that the Ridge Hand, that y 'all are sleeping on the Ridge Hand.

[936] And he was talking about the Chicago Ridge Hand, the different types of Ridge Hands.

[937] And they were laughing.

[938] They were trying to say, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[939] But Charlie stuck those fucking guns.

[940] You know who used the Ridge Hand was the Iceman in one of the very first UFC joints.

[941] My man Chuck Liddell knocked out Yarbrough with a Ridge Hand.

[942] Chuck Liddell never fought Yarbrough.

[943] He fought some big giant dude.

[944] Keith Hackney fought Yarbrough.

[945] Yeah, he did, though.

[946] He hit him with like a...

[947] An open palm strike to the head, too.

[948] He hit him with a bunch of different things, but he definitely hit him with a bridge hand.

[949] But I would never use a bridge hand.

[950] See, open palm strike, that even sounds like it's just going to put a hole in your head.

[951] Who just executed a beautiful open palm strike?

[952] National television.

[953] We all give a round of applause right now.

[954] The wife of Rupert Murdoch.

[955] Let's give a round of applause.

[956] Rupert Murdoch's wife.

[957] Rupert Murdoch's wife, man. What happened?

[958] You just see the press conference when Rupert Murdoch was getting interviewed and this dude tried to come in with the pie and hit him from the side and his wife came out with the open -hand palm strike and broke his nose, man. Whoa.

[959] His wife is young.

[960] She's not old like him.

[961] She's in her 30s, man. Look at him.

[962] She didn't even hesitate.

[963] 30 -year -old pizza ass.

[964] Fight for him.

[965] With a band -aid on his nose and shit.

[966] Break noses for him.

[967] Broke his nose, man. Rupert Murdoch, you know, despite of all his evil intentions.

[968] And she's beautiful.

[969] And she's hot.

[970] He's a bad motherfucker.

[971] Oh, yeah.

[972] I mean, that guy's got a lot of power in this world.

[973] And a beautiful wife that can kick your ass, man. That's incredible.

[974] That's what you can say.

[975] You got it all.

[976] You can tell your wife, you go take care of that guy.

[977] She comes over.

[978] Until she knows martial arts, by the way, she went straight with the palm here, straight, right to the nose.

[979] She beats you up with yoga.

[980] No, she came with it, man. What an old school move, though, hitting somebody with a pie.

[981] Yeah, David Cream.

[982] What was so funny about the whole thing is not long before that, we were just talking.

[983] We were like, what is the defense with that?

[984] Charlie's like, wow, wow.

[985] Ask Joe first.

[986] Okay, let's ask Joe.

[987] If you was doing something live and somebody did that to you, would you laugh it off?

[988] It really depends.

[989] It depends on if I felt malice from them, if I felt like they hated me, if I felt like they were laughing out.

[990] They try to embarrass you.

[991] Yeah, but people try to embarrass people just because they're idiots and they want attention.

[992] It would all depend entirely on the moment, but I would hope that I wouldn't do anything stupid.

[993] So I said, my answer was, I would whip the person's ass, right?

[994] That's something stupid.

[995] This is what he pointed out.

[996] He said, remember this, Charlie.

[997] Once the pie is on your face, whatever you do after that, you're doing it.

[998] With pie on your face.

[999] Makes it instant comedy.

[1000] You whip the guy's ass all over the room.

[1001] You get pie.

[1002] You do it with pie on your face.

[1003] To me, it would depend on the pie.

[1004] Yeah, it could be delicious pie.

[1005] It was like, what, is that lemon meringue?

[1006] Fuck yeah.

[1007] Thank you, sir.

[1008] Are you going to get him in the face with lemon meringue pie, son?

[1009] It's going to happen now.

[1010] I'll whip your ass.

[1011] You'll be fighting with pie on your face.

[1012] You'll be angry.

[1013] Just like there's a lot of dummies that will look at a guy like Mike Tyson and really think that they can kick his ass.

[1014] There are people that look at a guy like you on stage, and they get upset at you for some reason.

[1015] They get upset at you for getting that attention.

[1016] They get upset at you.

[1017] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1018] They feel like they should be getting what you have.

[1019] I thank God that every time one of them have stepped up, I had a baseball bat of jokes.

[1020] My reaction was always right on time, laser sharp, and they was burnt out of the audience like a cigarette butt.

[1021] He's been there to witness it.

[1022] And I've been there to witness you doing it.

[1023] I think you're one of the best I've ever seen do it.

[1024] You inspired me when I seen how deep you took it.

[1025] I was like, well, I could go much harder than I've been going on.

[1026] Joe is telling this person, man, wow.

[1027] You know what I'm saying?

[1028] I see you evaporate people.

[1029] That told me that it's something that you definitely got to have as part of your game.

[1030] If you're going to be standing up on the stage talking to people, you have to have the ability to do that.

[1031] If it comes up, you got to shoot them down and keep it moving.

[1032] You can't be haggling with them because that's going to break the whole continuity of the show up.

[1033] The guys that can just hit them with the hammer and keep it moving are the best, man. It's an unfortunate side effect of comedy, but we started out, Freeze and I were fucking comedy store veterans, man, and that was a place that nobody patrolled.

[1034] There was no manager shushing the room.

[1035] The comedy store was run by the guy on stage, and occasionally dudes got kicked out because the comic would go, just get these fucking people out of here.

[1036] God damn.

[1037] It would get to the point where you had to kick them out before the show couldn't.

[1038] go on.

[1039] But there was always something there.

[1040] That place was always drama.

[1041] I've had glasses thrown at me on stage there.

[1042] It was wild.

[1043] Remember when Holtzman got knocked out by Martin Lawrence's bodyguard?

[1044] We were just talking about that.

[1045] God damn.

[1046] That place was chaos.

[1047] I remember Eddie Griffin.

[1048] We were in the main room.

[1049] We had a show.

[1050] It was Martin Luther King's birthday.

[1051] And after the show...

[1052] This was when a DJ came on.

[1053] This is the first time I heard the song No Vaseline.

[1054] Right.

[1055] You remember that?

[1056] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1057] And the DJ played it, and Dr. Dre and all of the dog pounded.

[1058] And it was about Dr. Dre.

[1059] Yeah, they were all there.

[1060] And Dre went up on stage and snatched the record off the turntable and snapped it in half.

[1061] And that kicked off a riot.

[1062] Tretch was in there.

[1063] Tupac was in there.

[1064] Tretch had that big chain with the padlock on it.

[1065] He was swinging that over his head.

[1066] Oh, my God.

[1067] All of this went on in the main room on Martin Luther King's birthday.

[1068] Wow.

[1069] I remember that.

[1070] Holy shit.

[1071] That place is fucking crazy, man. His last wife, Flynn.

[1072] Richard Pryor's last wife, Flynn.

[1073] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[1074] Seen that wettest woman out there.

[1075] At the Comedy Store?

[1076] Comedy Store.

[1077] I was in the parking lot.

[1078] Richard Pryor was performing that night.

[1079] She was standing by the back door, and this other chick came around and was getting ready to come up.

[1080] They knew each other, obviously.

[1081] She said to that other chick, didn't I tell you not to come to no more than Richard's show?

[1082] Every time she hit it, another piece of jewelry came off.

[1083] So when she got finished, all of this woman's rings and necklaces and everything and her wig was laying on the floor.

[1084] Wow.

[1085] And they was dragging her away, man. And then Richard Pryor went on stage and did 20 minutes on What Just Happened.

[1086] Classic, sir.

[1087] Took it straight to the stage.

[1088] He went right on the stage with it?

[1089] Took it straight to the stage.

[1090] Oh, man. What year was this?

[1091] That had to be in the 80s, man. You know, like, 89, 90, something like that.

[1092] Could you imagine if you fucking videotaped that?

[1093] It was a long time ago.

[1094] Can you imagine if you had a videotape of that?

[1095] No one was expecting that.

[1096] That was, like, on the moment.

[1097] Didn't I tell you nothing to come to one of the Richard's shows?

[1098] It started firing on him.

[1099] How beautiful would that video be?

[1100] To watch that, watch the ass kicking, to Pryor walking on stage, to Pryor talking about the ass kicking.

[1101] The pre -show, you don't want to miss it.

[1102] I performed with Richard Pryor for a few weeks.

[1103] right at the end, right when he stopped performing, when he was in a wheelchair.

[1104] Remember when they used to carry him on stage?

[1105] Yeah, we used to come onto the OR room.

[1106] I had to go on after him for weeks, for weeks when he did that.

[1107] That was the only spot Mitzi always gave me, right after Richard Pryor.

[1108] When you go on after Richard, Joe...

[1109] You would eat dick like no other time.

[1110] Yeah, because it was sad.

[1111] It was sad watching Richard.

[1112] I mean...

[1113] It was cool because once Richard would open his mouth, it was him.

[1114] I mean, you could tell that he's...

[1115] And then it was a weird effect because you'd be like, oh, yo, he's still there.

[1116] He's still in there.

[1117] But then you would be like, wait a minute.

[1118] He's in there.

[1119] That's his body now.

[1120] And that's what he's kind of...

[1121] It seemed like he was more in prison after you heard him do stand -up.

[1122] Because it was a realization like this is a man who has his wits but does not have his motor skills and his functions, his bodily functions to match up with his wit.

[1123] Right, right, right.

[1124] And that just was, even though he was funny, even though he was sharp.

[1125] It was sad.

[1126] It seemed to me like there was a disconnect, too, towards the end.

[1127] I don't think he was completely lucid.

[1128] So when he would go on stage and talk about things, it didn't always make sense.

[1129] He was dying.

[1130] He would get this huge round of applause when he got off stage where people just would say, you know, hey, man, will you look at him right now, man?

[1131] There's not much time left, and this is one of the greatest comedians, maybe the greatest comedian to ever walk the face of the planet.

[1132] The most influential, I think, of all time.

[1133] And you're watching him as they're carrying him away, and then they introduce you.

[1134] Jeff Richard gets on the piano.

[1135] Ladies and gentlemen.

[1136] Joe Rogan.

[1137] From Hardball on Fox TV, please welcome Joe Rogan.

[1138] You go on stage and you have to do stand -up.

[1139] And it takes at least four or five minutes to get him out of the room.

[1140] Because they're walking with him out of the room.

[1141] Because he can't really walk.

[1142] So they have to carry him and walk with him really slowly.

[1143] And everybody's clapping and standing.

[1144] You know, like a war veteran just got off stage, you know?

[1145] That's who did just get off stage.

[1146] Yeah, yeah.

[1147] It's a good way.

[1148] Definitely, man. Yeah.

[1149] I've seen that type of, you know, that working spirit.

[1150] and other artists, too, like Sammy Davis Jr., the last film he ever did was The Kid Who Loves Christmas.

[1151] And I would happen to be in that movie, and that's when he was dying.

[1152] And I wouldn't have came to work, but he was there every day.

[1153] Wow.

[1154] He died like a week or two after we finished shooting.

[1155] He was advanced cancer, but he was coming to work anyway, man. Well, that's how Patrick Swayze did it, too, right?

[1156] He was coming to work anyway.

[1157] Yeah, I guess why not?

[1158] Fuck it.

[1159] Just go out doing what you like doing.

[1160] You think that's what Steve Jobs is doing?

[1161] Do you think that's why he stepped down today?

[1162] Yeah.

[1163] Do you know that?

[1164] Steve Jobs stepped down from Apple today.

[1165] I hope it doesn't change.

[1166] Well, I don't know, man. The dude has, like, he had pancreatic cancer, didn't he?

[1167] Or liver cancer?

[1168] Something crazy.

[1169] He had to get a liver transplant from fighting the cancer.

[1170] Wasn't that what it was?

[1171] Yeah, but you think...

[1172] The liver got fucked up from the chemo or something?

[1173] You think he would magic Johnson that shit, like, quickly.

[1174] Like, you know, he'd pay for it and he'd be done.

[1175] What do you think he could do?

[1176] You know, like, he just has all the...

[1177] money in the world.

[1178] That's just kind of to show you that there really isn't any help for cancer.

[1179] You can fix AIDS, but cancer, you can't stop it, no matter how much money you have.

[1180] I think some people have a genetic inclination.

[1181] They just have bad genetics.

[1182] They're most likely going to die of cancer young.

[1183] That's very possible.

[1184] But there's also a thing to be said for a guy who works as hard as Steve Jobs, that that shit is just not healthy.

[1185] You're hitting that red line all the time.

[1186] That's true.

[1187] Your fucking engine is constantly going, man. I don't think that's healthy.

[1188] It can't be.

[1189] It can't be.

[1190] It's not fun.

[1191] If it's not fun, it's not healthy.

[1192] It's that simple.

[1193] Dude, you're a billionaire, son.

[1194] And it's like, yo, you have done it, dude.

[1195] You can relax.

[1196] You really can.

[1197] Eat some cookies, watch some TV.

[1198] Yeah, he's got to eat, like, oatmeal cookies with, like, maple sugar.

[1199] He's got, like, some serious issues with his health.

[1200] He's pretty fucked up.

[1201] You know, and I don't know how much of that's genetic.

[1202] I don't know about that argument, you know, how much it's genetic, how much of it's...

[1203] Well, I think a lot of it has to do with diet, man, you know?

[1204] Genetics, diet, all that, you know?

[1205] And it's also...

[1206] And stress in your environment.

[1207] Stress.

[1208] A lot of executives, like Hollywood executives, a lot of those older guys, they start getting really sick.

[1209] And I think a lot of it is just the pressure, you know.

[1210] I knew this one guy, fucking, he used to work for my ex -girlfriend, or my ex -girlfriend used to work for him, rather.

[1211] Really nice guy.

[1212] Just 50 years old.

[1213] Had cancer, you know, out of nowhere.

[1214] And he was dead within weeks.

[1215] And it was just the weirdest thing ever.

[1216] He just seemed like this nice guy.

[1217] Like, hey, Bob, what's going on?

[1218] Nice to see you.

[1219] He's always laughing and joking around.

[1220] And then, boom, whatever it was, just hit him and hit him quick.

[1221] Wow.

[1222] And all of a sudden, he's gone.

[1223] They killed my father and my wife.

[1224] But both of them, it was like, you know, they got sick.

[1225] They went to the doctor.

[1226] They was diagnosed.

[1227] They went into treatment, and they passed away.

[1228] Oh, my gosh.

[1229] It wasn't like, you know, it was a long battle, you know?

[1230] And with both of them, my dad, he smoked.

[1231] But when he was young, he was an athlete.

[1232] My wife didn't smoke, didn't drink, didn't do drugs, worked out, drank water every day, didn't eat meat.

[1233] Wow.

[1234] None of that.

[1235] But still, she passed away before she was 40.

[1236] It was diagnosed six months after my daughter was born.

[1237] Because you want to have to keep going for follow -up checkups, and boom, you got cancer.

[1238] Yeah, man. So it's very deadly, and its origins are a mystery.

[1239] Because it could be what you eat.

[1240] It could be it's in your family.

[1241] Or it could just be you or your personality.

[1242] You're a very tense person, and you create it within yourself, man. It's deep.

[1243] Very scary disease, man. Yeah, imbalance is a frightening thing when it comes to your health, you know, when it really could be terminal.

[1244] Like, you could have terminal imbalance.

[1245] You could get your whole system so fucked up from thinking the wrong way, doing the wrong way, eating the wrong way, treating your body like shit, treating people like shit, and then next thing you know it.

[1246] Holding on to anger, all of that kind of stuff, holding grudges, all of that stuff.

[1247] It has to manifest some way.

[1248] Resolving a grudge is one of the best feelings ever.

[1249] When you're cool with somebody, you know, when you weren't cool with them, and then all of a sudden you're cool with them, it's a nice feeling.

[1250] It's like a, it's a good, as a human being, it's like a good feeling.

[1251] You know?

[1252] Almost definitely.

[1253] Yeah, but keeping one and just thinking about this motherfucker, if I see this, just hold it on to shit like that, going over fake arguments in your head.

[1254] If he says this, I don't want to say that.

[1255] What if he does this?

[1256] For a long time in my life, I would, you know, I had to learn that don't keep grudges, don't.

[1257] Don't dwell on negative.

[1258] You had to learn that.

[1259] Yeah, and you want to be hard.

[1260] You want to tell them to fuck themselves.

[1261] For life, bitch.

[1262] I was reading on Twitter.

[1263] I was reading on Twitter the other day.

[1264] Somebody quoted a tweet, a quote from Mandela.

[1265] And he said, resentment is like drinking a bottle of poison to kill your enemy.

[1266] Whoa.

[1267] That's deep.

[1268] That is deep.

[1269] It is true, too.

[1270] Yeah, it's almost like you've got to figure out a way to make people that you hate, people that annoy you, people that only become a source of positivity to you.

[1271] Figure out a way to, no matter how cunty somebody gets with you, never let it affect you.

[1272] Only take it as a source of inspiration.

[1273] You know what's made me better with that?

[1274] Twitter.

[1275] It's made me better with that.

[1276] Because there's constantly assholes.

[1277] Remember how many times I jumped on Twitter?

[1278] You can't see and you can't wrap your hands around that.

[1279] Dive through the machine.

[1280] Does that drive you nuts when people talk shit to you?

[1281] Yeah, man. I've gotten into it with a few people.

[1282] Then I realize you can fool yourself going back and forth with this person, man. They're probably playing right now.

[1283] Of course they are.

[1284] They got you lit up.

[1285] And the other thing, like you said, you explained to me, you said, yo, don't forget.

[1286] Look, somebody says some real smart alecky or some bullshit to you.

[1287] And then you look and they got like seven followers.

[1288] But you retweeted what they said and what you're going to do to them.

[1289] Now 100 ,000 people is reading it.

[1290] Now 100 ,000 people of your fans are reading it.

[1291] Now they want to know what's going on.

[1292] You know what I'm saying?

[1293] The best thing to do is just don't even respond.

[1294] Yeah, you can't.

[1295] Block.

[1296] Yeah, just block them.

[1297] That's what I do.

[1298] I go block crazy every day.

[1299] Yeah, I just block them.

[1300] People want to talk a lot of shit.

[1301] They want to be angry, man. It's like you could choose to focus.

[1302] What you choose to put on that Twitter is a direct reflection of you as a human being.

[1303] What you send out there, that's you, man. And if you get cunty, I don't need you in there.

[1304] I don't need you in the mix.

[1305] Put that block on you.

[1306] You take care.

[1307] I think if you want to talk to me that way.

[1308] We should meet somewhere.

[1309] Do you know how to get to the dock?

[1310] It's funny how many people out there looking to find somebody to hate.

[1311] There's a lot.

[1312] A lot of people, man. A lot of people looking for you to stumble.

[1313] So they get point fingers and you go fuck yourself.

[1314] They want to do that.

[1315] I don't know.

[1316] I guess there's people feel a lot of times that if you're failing, then that makes them doing Better, yeah.

[1317] I'm doing good.

[1318] I'm not finished.

[1319] See, look, look, look.

[1320] Look, they're failing.

[1321] They're failing.

[1322] Yeah.

[1323] Yeah, that's the worst.

[1324] I'm happy to see them fail that piece of shit.

[1325] You're like, man, you don't even know that dude.

[1326] You don't even know this dude.

[1327] You never even met that dude.

[1328] I'm glad it's not the opposite.

[1329] I would hate to have everyone try to kiss you all the time, like write you nice little love letters every day.

[1330] I'm going to tell you, your eyes look great today.

[1331] Who do you think would be the most annoying to be in that respect?

[1332] Either one of them, man. He could tell you, I broke up with this girl once for asking me, am I okay?

[1333] Are you okay?

[1334] She just kept saying it.

[1335] Oh, really?

[1336] Are you okay?

[1337] Yeah, baby, I'm fine, I'm fine.

[1338] Why don't you go get something to eat?

[1339] She come back, are you okay?

[1340] Yeah, I'm okay.

[1341] 20 minutes later, and then they even noticed it.

[1342] So I finally said to her, look.

[1343] I'm a grown man. Why do you keep asking me, am I okay?

[1344] Say it how you said it.

[1345] Say it how you said it.

[1346] Look, bitch, I'm okay.

[1347] What did you say?

[1348] What really?

[1349] Look, bitch, I'm okay.

[1350] I'm a grown man. If I wasn't okay, do you think I'd come to you?

[1351] Do you think I would come to you for assistance?

[1352] You can really help me with my problems.

[1353] Is that what you said to her?

[1354] Yep.

[1355] I said, never ask me if I'm okay again.

[1356] Do you understand?

[1357] Are you okay?

[1358] Had to storm out of the room.

[1359] Maybe she just wanted to talk but wasn't a good sentence starter.

[1360] She had a problem, man. She had a problem.

[1361] She had problems with me. It was weird.

[1362] She was really whipped.

[1363] I guess that's the way to put it.

[1364] She was dick whipped?

[1365] To the point where it was irritating.

[1366] He just broke her down.

[1367] To the point she was asking me. I don't gave in.

[1368] We don't care.

[1369] You guys.

[1370] Damn.

[1371] What's wrong with this chick, man?

[1372] Wow.

[1373] You don't want that to be the effect.

[1374] You don't want somebody to, you know.

[1375] That's too much.

[1376] She was just too into you?

[1377] Yeah, man. Somebody could be too into you.

[1378] You know what I mean?

[1379] It's irritating.

[1380] Come on, man. Back up, man. I don't know, man. That sounds pretty good to me. Nah.

[1381] I just need a few of them.

[1382] You have to experience this.

[1383] Nah.

[1384] I felt sorry for the dude.

[1385] You felt sorry because she liked me too much.

[1386] I come out of the room, she's pacing in the hallway in front of my door or whatever.

[1387] What are you doing here?

[1388] At your beck and call.

[1389] I came to see if you're okay.

[1390] I came to see if you're okay.

[1391] Was she hot?

[1392] Was she hot?

[1393] She was nice looking, but that made her ugly, man. All your okay stuff.

[1394] She did it to the point where it was like, look, I'm avoiding you at all costs.

[1395] And did you ever tell her, stop asking?

[1396] Yes, several times.

[1397] And she wouldn't stop.

[1398] What was the issue?

[1399] She crazy?

[1400] She said, I'm obsessed with you.

[1401] I was like, well, that means that you should go talk to a psychiatrist.

[1402] If you're obsessed with anyone, you shouldn't be dealing with them no more.

[1403] That's not part of a healthy relationship.

[1404] Obsession.

[1405] What caused the obsession?

[1406] I don't know, man. Some people...

[1407] Did you just fuck the shit out of a child?

[1408] I probably did.

[1409] You know what I'm saying?

[1410] You must have.

[1411] You must have just fucked the shit out of this girl.

[1412] You broke her, dude.

[1413] You broke her to the point where she was like waiting outside your door like a dog.

[1414] Are you okay?

[1415] Am I okay?

[1416] She's like a bloodhound for you.

[1417] Want something to eat?

[1418] You okay?

[1419] You okay?

[1420] You okay?

[1421] How many times did you have to fuck her before you broke her?

[1422] Once.

[1423] Are you okay?

[1424] Started from the first.

[1425] Really?

[1426] From the first session.

[1427] Are you okay?

[1428] I was like, I'm okay.

[1429] Are you okay?

[1430] Charlie Murphy.

[1431] Are you okay?

[1432] Breaking girls' wills.

[1433] I must crush you.

[1434] Charlie did a Murphy.

[1435] I'm going to tell you something, though, man. I'm tired of being single, man. Charlie did a Murphy?

[1436] Charlie did a Murphy.

[1437] Charlie did a movie that I thought was the same name as the Coconut Water, isn't it?

[1438] Oh, yeah.

[1439] It's Cookout 2.

[1440] CO2.

[1441] All right.

[1442] Cookout 2, yeah.

[1443] Yeah, with Mike Tyson, right?

[1444] Mike Tyson's in a scene in the movie, yeah, yeah.

[1445] I'm in it, too.

[1446] He's in it.

[1447] Freeze is in it.

[1448] When's that coming out?

[1449] Is that you guys from that last year?

[1450] Two years ago.

[1451] Two years ago?

[1452] Two years ago in Miami, yeah.

[1453] But I don't know when it's coming out, because that dude, Jimmy Henchman, is, you know.

[1454] I told the shot, Kim, though.

[1455] I told him when he was coming out in Miami, he said he was going to do a screening.

[1456] Oh, okay.

[1457] One of the producers got, you know, put away, so I don't know what's up.

[1458] The wonderful other movies.

[1459] You know what I mean?

[1460] It's a funky world.

[1461] Movies are funny.

[1462] My best thrill was the fact that I had a chance to work with Mike.

[1463] I knew Mike Tyson before he was the champ.

[1464] You know what I'm saying?

[1465] So I seen the whole journey.

[1466] From the guy who was a regular dude that was scared and all these people were around him and telling him you could do this and he did it and he became this bigger than life person all the way to the end to now the person that he is now.

[1467] Because if you see Mike now, Mike got his shit together.

[1468] You know what I'm saying?

[1469] He's not...

[1470] Nobody can say, oh, he's out of control.

[1471] He's not out of control.

[1472] He's a married dude.

[1473] He's calm.

[1474] He's polite to people.

[1475] He doesn't get in trouble no more.

[1476] Laughing.

[1477] Laughing.

[1478] Yeah.

[1479] It's interesting.

[1480] Yeah.

[1481] He got his shit together now, man. So I feel good about that.

[1482] I got to work with him in that movie.

[1483] So that was a good feeling, man. Because I hadn't seen him in years.

[1484] I seen him.

[1485] And when I did see him, he was back.

[1486] You know what I'm saying?

[1487] You've seen that documentary.

[1488] Yeah, I've seen the documentary.

[1489] How fucking powerful was that?

[1490] With the birds.

[1491] If you've never seen that Tyson documentary, is it just called Tyson?

[1492] What is it called?

[1493] Yeah, yeah.

[1494] When you see a man and cry.

[1495] It is fucking incredible.

[1496] Cry when he reflects on parts of his life.

[1497] Yeah.

[1498] A strong man like that, you have to realize that whatever was on him was no joke.

[1499] Yeah, it's incredible.

[1500] That's a man who one time I went to his house and it was five, six limos and nobody would get out the limo.

[1501] And I said, how come nobody's getting out the car?

[1502] They said, You don't see that lion standing over there?

[1503] Mike Tyson had a lion in his front yard.

[1504] Like hangover style.

[1505] That's the only man whose house I ever went over.

[1506] There was a lion in the front yard, loose.

[1507] Wow.

[1508] He was on the steps like this with a heavyweight belt.

[1509] What?

[1510] What?

[1511] How come nobody wants to get out of the car and play with my cat?

[1512] He was like, no, man. No, that's not a cat.

[1513] That's a lion.

[1514] That's fucking real.

[1515] Oh, my God.

[1516] Mike Tyson had a lion.

[1517] A male lion or a female lion?

[1518] That's awesome.

[1519] With a mane, a lion in his front yard.

[1520] Loose.

[1521] Holy shit.

[1522] It was walking.

[1523] It was off the leash, man. It was not in a cage.

[1524] It was in the yard.

[1525] Oh, my God.

[1526] Then he came out and started wrestling with him.

[1527] Oh, my God.

[1528] Damn, he wrestled?

[1529] How big was the lion?

[1530] It was big, man. It was a lion, man. He was wrestling with a lion.

[1531] Came over there and grabbed him and started tussling with him and all that.

[1532] Jesus.

[1533] And everybody was in the limousine because a lion could come up to a limousine and bust the window open and come in there.

[1534] I'm sorry.

[1535] Easy.

[1536] He could just go like this booth and come right in there and just have lunch.

[1537] So everybody was in the car.

[1538] You couldn't back out because it was all like five limos.

[1539] So everybody's in the car horrified thinking that Mike is getting ready to be eaten.

[1540] That is lying, but that isn't happening.

[1541] He plays with him, and he takes him in the back.

[1542] Comes back out, and I was like, you know what?

[1543] I'm never going to be around another man in life that's going to do that in front of me. You know what I'm saying?

[1544] Because to me, Mike Tyson is not a line team.

[1545] You ever hear about Mike working in Vegas?

[1546] No, he's just a team Lions.

[1547] He had one in his front yard, man. And he had other cats there, too.

[1548] Bieber would never have a lion, and he'd be like, she chills all the way or something.

[1549] Boy.

[1550] How come you got this way to my cat?

[1551] Isn't that...

[1552] Because we've seen Wild Kingdom, Mike.

[1553] We've seen him eat...

[1554] The Mike Tyson story is such a classic fucking story, too.

[1555] Yeah, man. Goes from being poor to being intensely rich.

[1556] Intensely rich.

[1557] And the focus of attention of literally every person on the planet.

[1558] When he was at his peak, man, in the late 80s, God.

[1559] When he beat Michael Spinks.

[1560] Crazy.

[1561] Jesus Christ.

[1562] I don't even think people today, people these kids today.

[1563] Iron Mike and his face was made of iron.

[1564] I don't remember that.

[1565] Strongest billboard on Sensei.

[1566] Really?

[1567] It's an iron Mike.

[1568] His face was made of iron.

[1569] It was just Mike's face.

[1570] Awesome billboard.

[1571] The years, like the Bruce Seldon years, where Bruce Seldon, he missed him with a left hook and Seldon's knees buckled.

[1572] He got up and just said, what am I doing getting up?

[1573] He knew better.

[1574] He was a destroyer.

[1575] There's no...

[1576] fighter out there right now, I think, that has captured the attention since him.

[1577] Not like him.

[1578] Not like him since him.

[1579] People don't understand.

[1580] He was Michael Jackson.

[1581] I'm going to tell you who would be captured even if he was American.

[1582] Pacquiao.

[1583] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1584] Pacquiao would be like that, but he's not, you know, he's like that over in the NFL.

[1585] Yeah, if you look at the sheer numbers between how he was and Tyson was, he's probably right up there with Tyson right now, huh?

[1586] Close.

[1587] Close is not the same.

[1588] Yeah.

[1589] Definitely close.

[1590] Especially in Asia.

[1591] I mean...

[1592] He's Bruce Lee right now, man. In L .A. You go to Wild Card Boxing, where he trains, people sit out there and wait for him.

[1593] They wait to find out what time Manny's going to be there.

[1594] There's a whole crowd of people there.

[1595] I did this thing with Daniel Tosh for Tosh's TV show where Tosh gets punched in the head by Manny Pacquiao.

[1596] What?

[1597] He let Pacquiao punch him.

[1598] Pacquiao's very nice.

[1599] He's very nice.

[1600] He's just barely tapping him.

[1601] We had to do it a little harder to make it realistic so he could put a little pop.

[1602] into it but it was nothing it was very nice but every business in that whole complex has manny's pictures up and manny's signed things he's got boxing gloves on and pictures of him eating in this restaurant that's right there that's cool yeah it's like there's a there's a huge he's like a super superstar he's like a He's at the peak.

[1603] He deserves it, man. Oh, yeah.

[1604] And he's such a nice guy.

[1605] Who do you think is going to win between Ortiz and Mayweather?

[1606] That's a good question.

[1607] I was going to bring that up when we were talking about Tyson because I was watching this thing on Victor Ortiz and he was talking about his childhood.

[1608] I was watching it right before he came over.

[1609] Oh, he had it rough, man. He had it rough, baby.

[1610] His mother, when he was 12 years old, or when he was 7 years old, or 6 or 7, his mother just left.

[1611] Just took off, never came back.

[1612] So he was only raised by his dad, and his dad just beat the shit out of them, hit them with sticks, hit them with anything.

[1613] And then when they were 12, his dad left.

[1614] So it was him and his fucking brother like wild dogs at 12 years old taking care of themselves.

[1615] Right.

[1616] Scary shit, man. Like, they had nothing.

[1617] They had nothing.

[1618] Real fighters.

[1619] Yeah, yeah.

[1620] And, you know, to come from that, man, there's a certain amount of resolve that that kid's going to have that the average person is not going to have.

[1621] But is that going to be enough to deal with?

[1622] Floyd motherfucking Mayweather, dude?

[1623] Yeah, man. Floyd Mayweather is an artist.

[1624] You love him or hate him for his personality and the way he attracts fans and the way he gets flamboyant and crazy.

[1625] Skillfully, forget all that, skillfully, he's a fucking master boxer.

[1626] He's a master.

[1627] He's very rarely in any trouble.

[1628] He gets hit, he can take a shot.

[1629] Shane Mosley banged him.

[1630] Shane Mosley would stop anybody else in the division with that shot.

[1631] He would stop.

[1632] They wouldn't have been able to recover the way Mayweather did everything perfect.

[1633] He tied him up, he recovered, and then he took his time before he jumped back on him.

[1634] It was beautiful.

[1635] That's what he was supposed to do.

[1636] Very technical.

[1637] He's technically perfect.

[1638] He makes these little short movements and throws guys off little quarter turns and shots from different angles that you expect, and he gets through.

[1639] He finds out where you're going to step, and then he's waiting for you before you do it.

[1640] He sorts you out, man. He's a real technical boxer.

[1641] That's why I think what's going to happen with him and Ortiz is going the distance.

[1642] It's going to be bloody.

[1643] You think so?

[1644] Yeah, Ortiz is not letting him beat him.

[1645] He's coming to fight, man. He's going to have to get beat.

[1646] Yeah.

[1647] And Mayweather, it's going to be a good fight for Mayweather.

[1648] I think Mayweather's going to win, but he's going to have to beat Mayweather to beat him.

[1649] He ain't going to be able to come in and have the night off.

[1650] Right.

[1651] That dude is the real deal.

[1652] I get props.

[1653] He beat my friend Andre.

[1654] That's a good friend of mine, Andre Berto.

[1655] That was a great fight.

[1656] That was a great fight.

[1657] But it showed me that this dude.

[1658] It's no joke.

[1659] No joke.

[1660] Andre Berto, that shot he dropped him with, anybody else don't get up.

[1661] Yeah.

[1662] That guy got back up and then put him down.

[1663] Yeah.

[1664] Off of that.

[1665] When I put you down, I wasn't even at 100%.

[1666] I'm drunk when I do that.

[1667] Right.

[1668] And not too many fighters can pull that trigger.

[1669] Be on the ground like that and get up and put the other guy down.

[1670] How often do you see that happen?

[1671] He's definitely a blood and guts type fighter.

[1672] He throws himself into danger.

[1673] So that's going to be a good fight for Mayweather.

[1674] He had that one fight where he quit.

[1675] And ever since that one fight, he's felt terrible about that.

[1676] He was losing his fight, and he got dropped, and he just called the referee off and quit.

[1677] And people really heavily criticize his heart.

[1678] But what it was was he wasn't 100 % focused on either his training or fighting itself or the consequences of losing or whatever the fuck it was.

[1679] He came into a fight out of shape.

[1680] And that's some shit that happens.

[1681] That's some shit that young guys will do, man. They'll fuck up, and they'll have a bad camp, or they needed to learn something, or they needed to be pushed and broken to rebuild and come back again.

[1682] So ever since that fight, he's been a fucking monster.

[1683] That Berto fight was insane.

[1684] Because I thought Berto was, like, the next challenger to Mayweather.

[1685] I said, like, this guy's so technical, but Berto is as well.

[1686] Berto got a fight coming up September 3rd.

[1687] He got a fight coming up.

[1688] He's a real accurate puncher, too.

[1689] That guy's a sniper.

[1690] Yeah, he's nice.

[1691] Yeah, he's a bad motherfucker.

[1692] I thought he was going to be the next guy.

[1693] When Ortiz beat him, I was blown away.

[1694] That kid's tough, and he got a lot better.

[1695] He got a lot better from that one fight.

[1696] You can tell the one fight where he quit, from then on, his dedication has obviously been way more focused.

[1697] Way more.

[1698] Yeah, because now he's...

[1699] And now with the way he beat Birdo...

[1700] what that does for your confidence is much more than if he just came in and stopped him early.

[1701] He had a grueling contest with this man and came out on top.

[1702] So that really does a lot for you.

[1703] Do you think that there's any way that Mayweather is going to be rusty?

[1704] Because he keeps taking these year -and -a -half breaks, two -year breaks in between fights?

[1705] Well, I think the reason why he's doing that is because of his hands.

[1706] You know what I'm saying?

[1707] He lets his hands get a good time between fights to heal up.

[1708] He's a holder.

[1709] You know what I'm saying?

[1710] They break really easy, right?

[1711] He's broken them a few times.

[1712] A lot of problems with his hands.

[1713] So he's preserving his hands, yeah.

[1714] But he still trains like a dog.

[1715] Around the clock he's training.

[1716] You know, whether he's got a fight coming up or not, it's his lifestyle.

[1717] So I don't think he's rusty at all.

[1718] So you think he just constantly stays home?

[1719] He constantly brings them in.

[1720] He whips guys' asses every week, man, whether he's got a fight coming up or not.

[1721] Really?

[1722] Yeah.

[1723] The guy's coming to the gym.

[1724] Light him up.

[1725] He works out.

[1726] He's always in shape.

[1727] He doesn't get in shape during camp.

[1728] He's already in shape when he gets there.

[1729] They showed his training camp.

[1730] They showed him hitting the pads.

[1731] It's ridiculous, man. Nobody hits the pads like he does, too.

[1732] And a lot of it is just...

[1733] Just combinations.

[1734] And you just watch the fucking combinations.

[1735] Arms don't get tight.

[1736] Just relaxed and everything's flowing.

[1737] I'm going to show him with the jump rope.

[1738] Yeah, it's ridiculous.

[1739] Routine is insane.

[1740] Well, he's a master.

[1741] And he doesn't...

[1742] Does it from a standing position?

[1743] Yeah.

[1744] He doesn't take much punishment, man. He's a guy who's been a boxer for a long time, and he looks perfect.

[1745] There's nothing wrong with him.

[1746] He's got no scars.

[1747] He's not busted up.

[1748] What is that, Mike Tyson with his lion?

[1749] Mike Tyson with his lion just wrestling around with it and stuff like that.

[1750] In the video?

[1751] Oh, that's the...

[1752] You know I didn't make that up.

[1753] 19 -year -old, 20 -year -old Mike Tyson right there.

[1754] Let's look at this right here.

[1755] That's the Mike Tyson.

[1756] Oh, my God.

[1757] He's got a fucking tiger.

[1758] He has a lion tooth bigger than that, but he had one in it.

[1759] Oh, my God.

[1760] How could that end well?

[1761] It doesn't end well.

[1762] If you keep them long enough, it doesn't end well.

[1763] They always kill you, right?

[1764] Eventually, yeah.

[1765] Come on, man. They might not even do it on purpose, Joe.

[1766] They kill you by accident.

[1767] Yeah, well, isn't that what happened with Siegfried and Roy?

[1768] Yeah, they could play with you and kill you.

[1769] Siegfried and Roy, that guy got killed by accident.

[1770] One little plate of sweat took off the side of his face.

[1771] Well, he didn't actually die, right?

[1772] He just got really badly, badly wounded.

[1773] And what happened was they think that the tiger got confused because a woman had feathers in her hair, like some crazy peacock feathers.

[1774] And they think the tiger might have freaked out and thought that was an animal, so grabbed him to rescue him, to pull him away from that.

[1775] He got Joan Rivered.

[1776] So the tiger looked at that feather thing and thought it was one of those fucking beasts from Avatar or something.

[1777] He's just going to pop out of the audience.

[1778] Who in the hell is that?

[1779] A man -eating toucan.

[1780] Grabbed him by his neck and just dragged him off.

[1781] Jesus Christ.

[1782] Wow.

[1783] What does that feel like when you hear your bones or your neck snapping and crackling inside the maw of this fucking enormous beast?

[1784] At that point, your brain is saying, this was a tiger.

[1785] And we're in here with it.

[1786] Right.

[1787] That's when reality is crashing.

[1788] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1789] Like, what the fuck was I thinking?

[1790] Right, right, right.

[1791] This is a tiger.

[1792] It's hard for us to really wrap our heads around the fact that shit like that really exists.

[1793] That tigers and bears and...

[1794] Right.

[1795] Did you hear about that lady in Russia that got eaten by a bear while she was calling her mother on the phone?

[1796] What?

[1797] Bears don't kill you, man. They just start eating you.

[1798] That's one of the things about bear attacks.

[1799] They broke into a house and started eating?

[1800] No, they were hiking.

[1801] Her and her stepfather were hiking.

[1802] And they killed her stepfather first.

[1803] And she got to her cell phone.

[1804] And she's calling the cell phone.

[1805] She's calling her mother while this fucking bear is eating her leg.

[1806] The bear is eating her leg.

[1807] And she's screaming and screaming.

[1808] And the phone call, she called her like three times over a period of an hour while this bear was eating her alive.

[1809] Where was this?

[1810] Russia.

[1811] It was in Russia.

[1812] Can you hear the audio online?

[1813] Brian.

[1814] I missed the first part.

[1815] No, there was a woman.

[1816] There was a woman who got eaten.

[1817] She kept calling her mother while she was being eaten.

[1818] I thought it was an audio clip.

[1819] No, no. There's no audio clip.

[1820] That would be the worst audio clip ever.

[1821] No, but they found the body.

[1822] They found the dude dead.

[1823] And the bear was eating the guy when they got there.

[1824] And the girl had...

[1825] She died from her injuries.

[1826] Was it a Russian black bear?

[1827] It was a Russian grizzly bear.

[1828] Russian grizzly bear.

[1829] I believe it was a grizzly bear.

[1830] I think that's what the article I said, that I wrote, said.

[1831] But, you know, any kind of bear would kill you.

[1832] I don't see how these people be going up in these areas where that's possible and don't have a gun with you, you know what I mean?

[1833] Well, even if you have a gun, you better have a really big one.

[1834] You got to bet a really big one if you see a grizzly bear.

[1835] A regular gun might not be good enough.

[1836] Even at his mouth.

[1837] Might not be good enough.

[1838] So even if you bang me, I'm going to blow your teeth out.

[1839] Yeah, maybe.

[1840] See, you bang me after I put a full fifth in your mouth.

[1841] What about a koala blow up the roof of your mouth?

[1842] Koala bears are vicious if you're a female koala bear.

[1843] I'll beat the crap out of a koala bear.

[1844] You will?

[1845] You fuck up a koala bear?

[1846] What is this, a fat cat?

[1847] What would you do?

[1848] They got sharp claws.

[1849] Here's the move.

[1850] A koala bear is on the move.

[1851] He's headed towards you.

[1852] What's your first step?

[1853] Kicking him.

[1854] Drop kicking him.

[1855] Drop kicking him?

[1856] Oh, yeah.

[1857] Like a footballer.

[1858] Probably punch him.

[1859] Yeah, he's short.

[1860] Yeah, punch him.

[1861] Yeah, you'd have to kick him.

[1862] Right into a eucalyptus.

[1863] And you've got to hope that he doesn't somehow or another time you lifting the foot up and just run right up your pants and bite your dick.

[1864] As you go to swing, you're just a little off timing and he scurries up your leg and right onto your dick.

[1865] Because they only eat eucalyptus.

[1866] That's it?

[1867] Yeah.

[1868] That's all they eat, yeah.

[1869] I believe koala bears rape the fuck out of female koala bears.

[1870] So they have to be strong and they have to have a good bite if they can pull that off.

[1871] I might have made that up.

[1872] Aim for the boss.

[1873] I know.

[1874] I was thinking of Tasmanian devils.

[1875] They're rapists.

[1876] They're not real.

[1877] Tasmanian devils was a...

[1878] That's a real animal.

[1879] No, it's a real animal.

[1880] It did exist.

[1881] It's a real animal.

[1882] Yeah.

[1883] Oh, no. I'm thinking the Tasmanian tiger.

[1884] Tasmanian tiger did exist.

[1885] It was in Australia, but they went extinct.

[1886] But the Tasmanian devil is a real animal.

[1887] What is it?

[1888] It looks like a little rat family type thing.

[1889] Yeah.

[1890] They rape the female.

[1891] That's how they breathe.

[1892] But half of their body.

[1893] Straight up rape, man. Half of their body is, I think, like a little bit over half of their body is jaw muscle.

[1894] God damn.

[1895] They're just basically a mouth walking around.

[1896] And they fight from birth till death.

[1897] They fight when they make love.

[1898] They fight when they're born.

[1899] They fight.

[1900] They're constantly.

[1901] How big are they?

[1902] They're bigger.

[1903] Now, that's something that would, like, get a hold of your foot when you try to kick it.

[1904] Yeah, you wouldn't want to kick it.

[1905] Whoa!

[1906] They're ugly, man. Oh, my God.

[1907] Look at the images of this motherfucker.

[1908] And they yelled constantly.

[1909] Holy shit.

[1910] That's like a crazy cartoon pedo bear face.

[1911] Yeah, it's like vampire bears.

[1912] Look at this thing.

[1913] Look at this thing.

[1914] It's like rat bears.

[1915] Right, man. Look at that thing.

[1916] Wow.

[1917] They will fuck you up too.

[1918] Very.

[1919] No jokes.

[1920] Well, if you look like that, you should be angry.

[1921] Yeah, those little, there's like a few of these little type of crazy animals that scare the shit out of me. You know, of different species like wolverines and like honey badgers and shit like that.

[1922] They scare the fuck out of me, man. Because they're only, they might only be like 15, 20 pounds, but they'll kill you.

[1923] They're like the stingrays of the forest.

[1924] They'll kill you.

[1925] A honey badger would kill a person.

[1926] It just would need some time.

[1927] I've never even seen any.

[1928] You've never heard of a honey badger?

[1929] You talk about them in one sentence, but then you watch these shows about dogs, different breeds of dogs.

[1930] There's a honey badger you're talking about.

[1931] There's a terrier who specializes in him.

[1932] And killing the honey badger?

[1933] They come with like 30 of these dogs.

[1934] He may kill like the first five.

[1935] Jesus Christ.

[1936] When they come, they go into his den.

[1937] They go in there and bring him out.

[1938] A Paterdale.

[1939] The Paterdale Terrier.

[1940] They go into his den and bring him out.

[1941] Paterdale Terriers.

[1942] He may kill like the first four or five that come in there.

[1943] It's like a Kung Fu movie.

[1944] They're not affected by the death of their comrades.

[1945] He's coming.

[1946] He's like a real live Bruce Lee.

[1947] Yeah.

[1948] That honey badger.

[1949] All these dogs are coming in.

[1950] He's just fucking them up.

[1951] Left and right.

[1952] They drag him out.

[1953] They label the honey badger.

[1954] This is the most fearless animal on earth.

[1955] That's what they say about the honey badger.

[1956] Yeah.

[1957] They don't give a fuck.

[1958] There's videos online that say honey badgers doesn't give a fuck.

[1959] And it's like all these videos of honey badgers eating cobras, chasing anything that's in front of them.

[1960] They kill poison snakes all day.

[1961] They're just too fast.

[1962] They just sneak up behind a snake, bite them in the head.

[1963] And sometimes they get bit, they get hit by the venom.

[1964] And you know what happens?

[1965] They fall asleep and they wake up an hour later and then they eat the snake.

[1966] He blacked out from venom.

[1967] And his little crazy, murderous body processed the venom, and he got up like he was drunk and just started eating that snake again.

[1968] Snake bit him with its poison, and the poison didn't do shit but make him take a fucking nap.

[1969] Wow.

[1970] Honey badgers must be from Brooklyn, right?

[1971] I can just imagine.

[1972] If they could talk, they'd have a Brooklyn accent.

[1973] Honey badgers don't even speak, bro.

[1974] There's no need for language in their thinking.

[1975] There's no variables in their thinking.

[1976] You don't need language.

[1977] I guess you don't.

[1978] It's just fuck, kill, sleep.

[1979] That's what the honey badger...

[1980] Point blank.

[1981] fart, wake up, do it again.

[1982] You just realize how weak we are, man. We're so fleshy and...

[1983] Tissue, like...

[1984] Just nothing.

[1985] Did you see Planet of the Apes?

[1986] Yeah, I see Planet of the Apes.

[1987] Did you like it?

[1988] You laughed.

[1989] You laughed?

[1990] It was funny.

[1991] I went to see Planet of the Apes because I was like, I know there's going to be some material.

[1992] I loved it.

[1993] I loved the gas can scene.

[1994] When he came up.

[1995] Oh, when he let the girl out.

[1996] When it was like some real prison stuff.

[1997] Yeah.

[1998] Was it me or was it Monkey doing a Levi's jeans commercial at the end of the movie?

[1999] The last, very last scene.

[2000] When he was standing on the branch overlooking San Francisco with that pose he had.

[2001] I was like, that's not a chimp pose, man. That's a man's pose.

[2002] It's like he's selling some jeans.

[2003] But he wasn't.

[2004] That was the whole thing.

[2005] But he wasn't.

[2006] But he was a supercharged super monkey, man. He was a monkey's smartest people.

[2007] He was the alien one.

[2008] Yeah, he was.

[2009] I'm down for any movie where chimps fuck people up.

[2010] I love watching chimps.

[2011] I love the way they move, man. It's fucking shocking.

[2012] You ever watch any of those things where they would teach chimps how to sign their own names?

[2013] They could teach them how to spell things, and when they would spell it correctly, they would get candy.

[2014] So they'd learn how to spell certain things and point certain things out.

[2015] And this one chimp, they would let him into the cage.

[2016] And the first thing they have to do is establish dominance.

[2017] So as soon as you open this thing up, He's a big fucking fully grown like eight year old male.

[2018] So he comes in and just starts fucking throwing himself through the air.

[2019] He's like a buck 60, a buck 70.

[2020] Just.

[2021] hurls himself through the air, catches the cage, rattling the cage back and forth, hurls himself through the air, catching bars.

[2022] And you just look at the strength that he displays.

[2023] You watch it happen.

[2024] You watch him throw his body around and just realize what he could do to you.

[2025] And then he sits down.

[2026] And then he'll play with you.

[2027] And then he puts his things out, takes his candy, eats it.

[2028] But he just wants to let you know what the fuck he could do.

[2029] I'm just letting you know.

[2030] If I get tired of eating these sunflower seeds or candy or whatever, I could come over there and just smack you around.

[2031] I thought Planet of the Apes was good.

[2032] I didn't think it was that funny.

[2033] I thought it was funny.

[2034] I liked it, man. I liked it.

[2035] The gas can.

[2036] Come on, man. It was pretty funny.

[2037] I loved the gorilla.

[2038] The gorilla.

[2039] He was smart.

[2040] He let the muscle out.

[2041] Right there.

[2042] Isn't it funny?

[2043] I heard Final Destination.

[2044] That new movie has the best 3D yet.

[2045] I haven't seen that stupid movie.

[2046] For 3D.

[2047] I do not want to see a movie where there's a bunch of people just dying.

[2048] Yeah.

[2049] I never got it with that movie.

[2050] Yeah.

[2051] Did you ever see the old ones, though?

[2052] Like that highway scene where the semis are going like...

[2053] I can respect.

[2054] Like a crazy car accident.

[2055] It's pretty cool.

[2056] It's not like a fucking awesome movie, but it's a fun movie, I guess.

[2057] I don't know.

[2058] I don't have that kind of free time.

[2059] It's like the show A Thousand Ways to Die.

[2060] No, no, no, no. That show's kind of funny.

[2061] I watched that show.

[2062] That show's funny.

[2063] That show's hilarious.

[2064] The problem with this Final Destination movie to me is like, oh, he's getting acupuncture.

[2065] How's it going to be?

[2066] Oh, now he's dead.

[2067] I respect the special effects, but...

[2068] Other than that, it's like, what, am I just watching a bunch of people die because of some stupid curse?

[2069] This new one has a bridge that's collapsing, like it's broken in the middle, and it's during rush hour, and it's just like the car's skidding in, and it's just all in 3D.

[2070] Wow.

[2071] So that part's cool.

[2072] I'm sure.

[2073] But you haven't seen it.

[2074] That's what I've been told.

[2075] Oh, okay.

[2076] It's saying it's like awesome 3D if you like that shit.

[2077] Oh, okay.

[2078] Yeah, I'm not into movies just for 3D.

[2079] I saw Conan, and it wasn't 3D.

[2080] How was that?

[2081] It sucks.

[2082] And it's awesome, and it sucks at the same time.

[2083] Because here's the deal.

[2084] The dude is the perfect Conan.

[2085] Like, physically, the way he looks, he looks just like Conan.

[2086] And he can easily be Conan, like, right out of the Robert E. Howard books.

[2087] So you got that, and then you got...

[2088] Did you hear my kids screaming in the background?

[2089] Yeah.

[2090] I need a studio.

[2091] This is ridiculous.

[2092] Look out there.

[2093] It's like an echo, though.

[2094] Throw some man shit down.

[2095] Anyway, the dude was...

[2096] We're just kidding, folks.

[2097] Don't get crazy out there.

[2098] The books, but it had no story.

[2099] It was awesome in the beginning when he was a kid.

[2100] He was a badass kid killing everybody, and it was awesome.

[2101] And then it got lame, and then it got awesome again.

[2102] There was a couple fights.

[2103] It was pretty awesome, and then it got lame again.

[2104] It was awesome and lame.

[2105] But they needed somebody while they were making that movie to be in the room with them going, what?

[2106] What?

[2107] You're going to do what?

[2108] No. They need a company that does that.

[2109] Really?

[2110] I want to be that company.

[2111] We should totally have that.

[2112] Me and my five friends be like, that's so dumb.

[2113] Why would you?

[2114] ever do that you know dude this is so fake i can fix conan all i need is a three -day weekend and a lot of weed and some buddies that like those kind of movies, and you can fucking figure that out.

[2115] You can figure out a way to end that movie.

[2116] Smoke a ball and take over another army.

[2117] That was the other problem.

[2118] This dude, he sounded way too California.

[2119] He was like, there was times, like in deep battle, he was a great Conan.

[2120] When he was fighting things and killing and yelling and screaming, he was a great Conan.

[2121] But then he was sitting down and talking.

[2122] It was like, all right, dude, you need to work on your Conan voice because this shit, you sound like some dude I would meet at Target.

[2123] It doesn't sound like someone who came from that era at all.

[2124] Oh, I hate it.

[2125] That's like, okay, thanks for crashing me back into reality.

[2126] Conan is Arnold Schwarzenegger, point blank.

[2127] Yeah, exactly.

[2128] It's going to be hard to beat that, man. Conan's voice sounds like this.

[2129] It's going to be hard to beat that, man. The performance he put down, he captured it, man. Well, he showed a certain intensity.

[2130] I mean, Arnold had, first of all, nobody's built like Arnold.

[2131] They're all going to look weak compared to how he looked when he was flinging around the sword.

[2132] You don't get a dude who's built like that.

[2133] see a remake with him now, would you?

[2134] Now?

[2135] Now, if he spent like a good hour prep for it.

[2136] An hour prep?

[2137] Yeah.

[2138] I mean, a year prep.

[2139] If he went back to the gym, he probably could pull it off.

[2140] Schwarzenegger pulled off that last Rocky.

[2141] I mean, Sylvester Stallone pulled that last Rocky off.

[2142] Yeah, but Sylvester Stallone never really let himself go.

[2143] Arnold has clearly let himself go.

[2144] And he had a heart problem, too, right?

[2145] Didn't he have a heart surgery?

[2146] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[2147] Yeah, he probably can't juice up anymore.

[2148] At this point, Sylvester Stallone, the next movie he's going to make is Mrs. Doubtfire.

[2149] Sylvester Stallone?

[2150] You mean Schwarzenegger?

[2151] No, Schwarzenegger, yeah.

[2152] You have me confused as fuck.

[2153] Mrs. Doubtfire.

[2154] Mrs. Doubtfire.

[2155] This is the way I can see my kids.

[2156] He's a fascinating guy, isn't he?

[2157] Wow.

[2158] The guy just bangs his maid and just shooting loads into his maid while he's the mayor.

[2159] For years.

[2160] Or governor, rather.

[2161] For ten years, right?

[2162] Yeah, a decade.

[2163] He's just too raw.

[2164] A decade of.

[2165] Just be quiet about this.

[2166] This is the cock.

[2167] Banging her all day at work.

[2168] This is the way you get to raise her on here.

[2169] The governor loves you.

[2170] It's so weird, man. Imagine that poor kid has to grow up knowing that the governor was just banging his mom and he had a real dad that he grew up with but it wasn't really his dad.

[2171] He looks just like Arnold.

[2172] That's got to be a mind -fucking -half, man. Maybe she get in the bodybuilding.

[2173] Take advantage of that.

[2174] You got the same genes, man. Go hard.

[2175] Now that you know who your father is, get down and go to the gym.

[2176] Because he has a different mother, he's not entitled to all that cash.

[2177] It's a totally different situation, right?

[2178] He gets taken care of.

[2179] Yeah, well, he has to pay child support, but I bet the kid's probably not in the will and all that good stuff.

[2180] Oh, yes, he is.

[2181] He can get in the will.

[2182] He was one of his offspring, man. It's like this.

[2183] At this point, that kid can look at it as half empty or half full.

[2184] You're halfway in there, kid.

[2185] You're halfway in there.

[2186] You can make it work.

[2187] It's a fascinating thing, man. I wonder how many kids Kennedy had on the side and nobody knew about him.

[2188] 77.

[2189] Think about back in those days, man. They didn't have as many abortions.

[2190] A woman would go live with her mom.

[2191] I'm going to live in Worchester.

[2192] Worchester?

[2193] Worchester.

[2194] That's when you know this fucking podcast is falling off.

[2195] We can't even come up with a good comedy name for where this chick's living.

[2196] We peaked with the Honey Badger.

[2197] That was it.

[2198] The Honey Badger.

[2199] Charlie's checking his Twitter.

[2200] We're all falling asleep.

[2201] I'm just making sure.

[2202] It's almost nap time, Joe.

[2203] It's almost 8 p .m. Listen, man. What's the name of that club we're going to hit tonight?

[2204] Yeah, 1616.

[2205] What's that?

[2206] It's a club in downtown LA.

[2207] We're going to hit that?

[2208] It's 1616.

[2209] You're doing comedy tonight?

[2210] Yeah.

[2211] Yeah, that's where you're doing it, at this place?

[2212] Yeah, I'm going down there.

[2213] We started talking about it earlier when we got off the subject.

[2214] I was talking about how we've been here for six weeks, so that's why every week we go to the Laugh Factory, getting ready to go downtown.

[2215] I don't just sit back and go, okay, I'm doing a TV show, I'm making money.

[2216] I'll do comedy when it's over because I know that the comedy is going to suffer.

[2217] You know what I'm saying?

[2218] If you take eight weeks off and don't do no stand -up.

[2219] There's no way when you go back eight weeks later, your next show is going to be as good as your last one.

[2220] You know what I mean?

[2221] It's true.

[2222] Yeah.

[2223] There's no way.

[2224] It's going to be, you know, you got to get all your feedback up on you again.

[2225] How many sets does it take you to get your feedback on you?

[2226] One.

[2227] Takes one.

[2228] One good one.

[2229] If I stay off the stage for like two weeks.

[2230] I never really stayed off more than two weeks.

[2231] Right.

[2232] I took a month off once.

[2233] That was the longest I ever took off.

[2234] It's a weird feeling, right?

[2235] It's weird.

[2236] You feel heart -fired.

[2237] As a matter of fact, last night when I went on at the Laugh Factory, that was the first time for me in three weeks.

[2238] And I told him on the way down.

[2239] I was like, yo, man. I can't believe how much anxiety I feel right now.

[2240] I feel like...

[2241] Like, I'm really scared right now.

[2242] Like, I feel like I might get down there and go, I'm not going up.

[2243] You know what I'm saying?

[2244] But, of course, I went up.

[2245] But that feeling was there, man, from just that going up, you know, for three weeks, man. That's the number one enemy of comedy.

[2246] The worry.

[2247] The worry.

[2248] Especially if you go up.

[2249] When we went to the last factory the week before that and seen three dynamite guys come in and blow it up, you know, and I was taking that week off.

[2250] So when I came back the next week, I'm like, You're going up, but you're seeing the dudes that come through here.

[2251] There's not no slouches in here, man. You know what I'm saying?

[2252] For the most part, you don't want to come up with the big, it's Charlie Murphy.

[2253] And then, you know, you ain't you.

[2254] Do you worry about that a lot?

[2255] Do you think about that?

[2256] Yeah, definitely.

[2257] So, like, especially coming into the game late with a very, very famous brother, too.

[2258] It's a lot of pressure.

[2259] You know, I don't want nobody to come say, oh, we're not seeing him and he was nothing.

[2260] I want you to say I've seen him and, you know, the dude is working at his craft.

[2261] You know, he's going hard at it.

[2262] I can see the work he puts in it, and he's funny.

[2263] So the only way I can try to, you know, have any play in that is to put the work in.

[2264] I can't force you to like me, but I can work hard, you know.

[2265] But you're enjoying it too, right?

[2266] I'm loving it, man. I'm loving it.

[2267] Yeah.

[2268] I'm loving it being a part of the community of comedians and everything, the whole experience, you know.

[2269] It's great.

[2270] That is a big part of it.

[2271] The people that you meet, in my opinion, there are no dumb comedians.

[2272] To be a comedian, you have to have a certain level of intelligence.

[2273] There's very few comedians that I would go, that's a dumb guy.

[2274] Pretty smart people that you meet.

[2275] The way they look at things is interesting.

[2276] Yeah, well, if they're good, especially.

[2277] If they're bad, you could have a real issue.

[2278] I've seen it real smart.

[2279] What was that guy's name from South Africa the other night?

[2280] Wow, I don't remember.

[2281] Trevor or something, yeah.

[2282] Smart.

[2283] This kid's from South Africa.

[2284] He's a very smart guy.

[2285] Smart, man. Smart.

[2286] I love comedians like that.

[2287] Not taking this material, but he said this.

[2288] He said, you know, I flew 20 hours here from South Africa.

[2289] I really had a hard time, and I did my research, and I didn't want to offend anyone.

[2290] I found this one organization called the Ku Klux Klan, a very racist organization, and it just baffled me. Ku Klux Klan actually means circle of brothers.

[2291] To be someone that hates black people, why would you call yourself the circle of brothers?

[2292] That was funny.

[2293] What is his name?

[2294] His name is Trevor something.

[2295] Trevor something.

[2296] He broke down what the Ku Klux Klan meant.

[2297] He broke that part down of it.

[2298] He made it into a very funny joke.

[2299] Very funny.

[2300] He was talking about African -Americans.

[2301] He said, even though they're not real Africans, no one ever pointed that out.

[2302] That's funny.

[2303] He was born here, you know what I'm saying?

[2304] Because he's from Africa.

[2305] Right.

[2306] So when he came and said that, it was hilarious.

[2307] Yeah, he said, I was watching all these films and trying to get all my black lingo.

[2308] Like, yo, B, what up?

[2309] And then the minute I got off the plane, everyone thought that I was a Mexican.

[2310] That's hilarious, man. White -skinned South African dude.

[2311] That's funny.

[2312] The dude is great, man. He's good, dude.

[2313] I like seeing smart comedians, man. You know, guys that actually took the time.

[2314] to think about what they're getting into.

[2315] Well, I think people in different countries are being exposed to stand -up they were never exposed to before the internet, too.

[2316] Right.

[2317] You know, your stand -up was pretty much what your culture was like.

[2318] The English people had their own sense of humor.

[2319] The Americans, different cities, we had our own different sense of humor.

[2320] But now, because of the internet, everyone's sense of humor gets distributed worldwide.

[2321] Right.

[2322] So people get influenced by all sorts of different artists from all over the place.

[2323] I'm going to tell you the one thing that I remember about you.

[2324] It was when you used to do the Anna Nicole Smith stuff.

[2325] But the thing I remember is I never knew who she was before I heard your comedy on her.

[2326] I heard your comedy and went and sought this chick out.

[2327] Oh, that's funny.

[2328] You didn't know the whole story?

[2329] I didn't know anything about it.

[2330] That was way back in the day.

[2331] You had the whole, come on, baby, more, give me more.

[2332] Oh, dude.

[2333] It was like, who is he talking about?

[2334] What?

[2335] A stripper married a billionaire?

[2336] What?

[2337] Yeah, there was no internet back then.

[2338] There was no internet.

[2339] We had to come...

[2340] Get it from the horse's mouth.

[2341] That story was so awesome.

[2342] I mean, there was a hundred different comedians that had bits on that.

[2343] You couldn't pass it up.

[2344] Yeah, yours was classic.

[2345] Thanks, man. It was fun.

[2346] Well, when something like that comes along for a comedian, some people go, oh, the world's falling apart.

[2347] Comedian looks at something like that and goes, oh, yeah, look what I got here.

[2348] Exactly.

[2349] I just found some money.

[2350] That's why I went to go see Planet of the Apes.

[2351] I was like, I know I'm getting a bit out of it.

[2352] Yeah.

[2353] You can't go, though, thinking that way.

[2354] You got to go and just enjoy it.

[2355] I ain't getting anything out of it.

[2356] I was like.

[2357] There you go.

[2358] He could have just smoked up and had a good fucking time like I did.

[2359] Well, there'll be another movie coming on.

[2360] They always write one where I sit down and watch and go, okay.

[2361] You just gave me ten minutes.

[2362] Thank you very much.

[2363] I couldn't make a movie myself, but I'm fucking very critical.

[2364] There's a lot of movies that just bore the shit out of me. I can't do it myself.

[2365] I can't do it any better.

[2366] I hope that's not boring to people.

[2367] I wrote it for Paramount.

[2368] It's about...

[2369] The movie is about...

[2370] It's like a slasher movie, but it's a comedy.

[2371] It's a dark comedy about these two guys that used to be pimps.

[2372] It establishes them as pimps in the beginning of the movie.

[2373] And they get out of the pimping game because...

[2374] There's some gangster dudes that come to town and take over the whole industry.

[2375] The industry?

[2376] The pimp industry?

[2377] Pimping, gambling, whatever you're doing, these guys are gangsters.

[2378] They take over the whole shit.

[2379] So how do they do that?

[2380] The two pimps quit pimping, but before they do it, they set these two guys up.

[2381] And these two guys get locked up.

[2382] They get a life sentence.

[2383] They set the two guys up, and they rob them for $1 million.

[2384] This takes place like in 79, where $1 million seemed like it would last forever.

[2385] And they give that speech.

[2386] This is the big one, brother.

[2387] A cool million.

[2388] This is enough money for my kids and my kids, kids, kids.

[2389] It's a million dollars.

[2390] And it's two guys getting it, right?

[2391] So they set the guys up.

[2392] They get the money.

[2393] The guys go to jail.

[2394] 25, 30 years later, these guys get out.

[2395] Because life is only 25 years.

[2396] Now, the other two guys are totally not street.

[2397] They haven't been street for 30 years.

[2398] They're regular guys.

[2399] These dudes been in prison.

[2400] It was hard when they went to prison.

[2401] It came out even worse.

[2402] And they figure out that these guys did what they did.

[2403] They're looking for them.

[2404] They want their money back.

[2405] And these guys have to pretend that they're something, like pretend that they're juiced in.

[2406] You really don't want to bother us because we could kill you.

[2407] I know you're tough and all that, but you've been in jail.

[2408] You don't know what's going on out here now.

[2409] We run this, but it's all an act.

[2410] And the guys that are with them, are actors from an acting school, and they fool these guys very briefly in the movie, but when they realize that it was a trick, they go back to the acting school, beat up all the actors, find out who told, what the whole plot was, what the plan was that Joe used to trick us, now they're after those guys.

[2411] Now, while all this is happening, there's a stalker in the movie, a serial killer that kills...

[2412] Only pimps.

[2413] It's called the Pimp Stoker.

[2414] So from the beginning of the movie all the way to the end, while this story is unfolding with these two guys that stole his money and they're basically trying to find a way to give the money back without getting killed, it's like in that movie Which Way Is Up with Bill Cosby and Sidney Poitier.

[2415] That type of thing.

[2416] We did a flim -flam.

[2417] We want to find our way out of it, give you your money back, get out of it.

[2418] While they're trying to do this, there's the pimp stalker killing pimps.

[2419] The cops think that the two guys that are after them are the pimp stalkers, but they're not.

[2420] You're going to tell the whole movie.

[2421] I'm telling the whole movie.

[2422] Brian.

[2423] I'm loving it, man. Brian, I'm going to quiz you on the plot.

[2424] Quiz him on the plot.

[2425] All right.

[2426] So there's this serial killer dude.

[2427] He hates pimps.

[2428] He wants to murder them all.

[2429] And then there's this group of pimps that are ruling the city, but these other groups of guys came in.

[2430] So someone goes to jail for something?

[2431] Two gangsters go to jail.

[2432] How's 25 years life?

[2433] That's life nowadays.

[2434] 25 years is life.

[2435] If I give you life in prison, that's 25 years.

[2436] Really?

[2437] So after 25 years, you can get out?

[2438] Get out, yeah.

[2439] That's crazy.

[2440] Now, sometimes it's life without parole.

[2441] That's what they have to say, life without parole.

[2442] They say, life, you can get out.

[2443] Wow.

[2444] So these guys get out, you know what I'm saying?

[2445] And they're after these two dudes who are now like soccer dads with big guts.

[2446] One dude who works at the church.

[2447] They're not street people anymore.

[2448] And they're forced to go back into the world that they snuck away from to pretend for a little while, but it doesn't work.

[2449] They get caught.

[2450] The guys want their money back.

[2451] It's all, you know.

[2452] I don't want to get too deep in there if I probably already did.

[2453] The shit is funny, man. Did you write your book also, or do you write a lot?

[2454] Yeah, I wrote my book too, yeah.

[2455] That's awesome.

[2456] Now, your book's about you getting into comedy, right?

[2457] I'm a better writer than I am a pitcher.

[2458] You know what I'm saying?

[2459] I'm a better writer than I am a pitcher.

[2460] I just am.

[2461] What do you mean by that?

[2462] If you read the script, you would understand it a whole lot better than me sitting here trying to capitalize it to you in 30 seconds.

[2463] The problem with telling the script is you start, and then you've got to keep going.

[2464] Because then you got to explain.

[2465] There's so much things happening here.

[2466] You got a lot of shit going on.

[2467] There's a lot of shit going on.

[2468] And it's hard to pay attention to all that shit without special effects.

[2469] Unless you're looking at it.

[2470] Unless you're looking at it.

[2471] Unless you're looking at it.

[2472] You got to show me some shit.

[2473] But there's a lot of shit going on in the movie.

[2474] The movie's funny.

[2475] The only thing that may change about the movie is the title because the word pimps again.

[2476] I'm like, I thought I'd come up with something better than that.

[2477] The movie is not, I don't want people to think the movie, you come to see a movie about pimps because that's not what it's about.

[2478] The movie is about these two guys that went straight.

[2479] And that element is trying to draw them back.

[2480] Charlie Murphy, what we need is a goddamn TV show following you around.

[2481] Well, I got something like that I'm doing with Terry Crews, man, called My Bad.

[2482] We're going to deal with the bio channel.

[2483] And it's going to be me and Terry Crews.

[2484] The pilot is me telling you a story about something that I did to a person years ago that was fucked up.

[2485] And then I do a reenactment.

[2486] Of what I did to the person.

[2487] And then I go back and find the person.

[2488] And I give them their money back.

[2489] Here's my idea.

[2490] Remember that time when you got robbed back in 74.

[2491] And you thought that bop bop bop.

[2492] And you thought that I was with you.

[2493] Well I set you up to be robbed.

[2494] It was all of that.

[2495] And I give the guy this money back.

[2496] And I'm apologizing.

[2497] So what we're going to do on the bio channel.

[2498] Everyone has something.

[2499] Maybe not as extreme as me. But something that you did to somebody in your past.

[2500] That you wouldn't mind apologizing for.

[2501] Saying, hey, you know what?

[2502] I did blah, blah, blah, and I'm sorry.

[2503] And we're going to use all celebrities.

[2504] Every celebrity got somebody that they did something fucked up to.

[2505] Who'd you do something fucked up to, Joe?

[2506] I'm trying to think why you're saying that.

[2507] That you would like to, that you never apologized, but you wouldn't mind apologizing now.

[2508] Maybe Peter Chin.

[2509] Oh, I did keep him from hosting one day.

[2510] I had to.

[2511] Mitzi was doing that shit as a joke.

[2512] Chris McGuire was auditioning for Mitzi.

[2513] And Mitzi thinks it's funny to let Peter Chen host the open mic night.

[2514] It's fucking brutal, man. It's wrong.

[2515] I mean, something's wrong with Peter Chen.

[2516] That's funny.

[2517] And he would...

[2518] It was almost like a parody of the worst comic ever.

[2519] You know?

[2520] Explain Peter Chen.

[2521] Peter Chen is a...

[2522] He was a nice guy offstage, but...

[2523] There's something wrong.

[2524] Yeah.

[2525] There was something wrong.

[2526] Because his comedy was so bad that you would sit in the audience and literally start hating him.

[2527] He was aggressively bad.

[2528] He was aggressively bad.

[2529] He would be like, how dare this idiot.

[2530] He over -accented his accent.

[2531] That wasn't even a real accent.

[2532] He had a bad, broken English.

[2533] Funny thing happened.

[2534] On the way to Seven Revin'.

[2535] It's like, yo, what are you doing?

[2536] Wasn't he part of Don Barris' Looney Tunes thing that Barris used to do?

[2537] What is that?

[2538] What do you used to call it, Brian?

[2539] Ding Dong Show?

[2540] The Ding Dong Show, yeah.

[2541] He would have all the worst comedians possible in the country.

[2542] Misfits.

[2543] Comedy Misfits.

[2544] Crazy people.

[2545] Comedy Misfits.

[2546] Together a Ding Dong Show.

[2547] He's got amazing tolerance.

[2548] And he would always be hanging around with these cats, these characters.

[2549] Yeah, and these dudes.

[2550] So if there's anybody that I would apologize, maybe to that guy.

[2551] Because I did bump him one night at the comedy store.

[2552] But I did it for my family.

[2553] It doesn't have to be another entertainer.

[2554] It could be anyone.

[2555] Somebody you did something to in fifth grade.

[2556] Look, I think it's a great idea.

[2557] That's a great idea.

[2558] That's going to be on the bio channel.

[2559] It's going to be me and Terry going with different people.

[2560] The part where I come in is the reenactment.

[2561] We're going to always make the reenactment comedy.

[2562] I think it's a great idea, but I think the world is being starred from a Charlie Murphy TV show.

[2563] That's what I'm saying.

[2564] Somebody needs to follow you around.

[2565] We got that, and we also got the other show I'm doing.

[2566] Running thing is going to be Rich Falling Asleep.

[2567] We had the whole digital thing we're getting ready to build up.

[2568] There is going to be a camera.

[2569] The whole digital thing?

[2570] Only a man such as Charlie Murphy can get away with saying that.

[2571] The whole digital thing.

[2572] The whole digital thing that's going on right now.

[2573] You're building that up.

[2574] You're building my whole digital department up.

[2575] Why don't you start a podcast?

[2576] I am.

[2577] That's all in the making.

[2578] Joe, that's all in the makings.

[2579] But I only can do one thing at a time.

[2580] What I was focusing on this year.

[2581] was writing that movie I just finished writing and, you know, getting ready to do the TV show.

[2582] We're doing 20 episodes over the next six weeks.

[2583] Wow.

[2584] So, you know, I'm focusing on those two things, and once that's done, boom, then it's on to the next area.

[2585] I don't sit back on my hunches at all.

[2586] Definitely not.

[2587] You got DVDs, books, movies, everything.

[2588] You go to your website.

[2589] Everything but a wife, man. Exactly.

[2590] If I keep working hard, I'll have one eventually, you know.

[2591] It's got to be hard to marry after your wife dies.

[2592] What does it feel like?

[2593] It's not going to be hard to marry.

[2594] No?

[2595] It's hard to be single.

[2596] Right.

[2597] Being single, it sucks, man. Does it?

[2598] Especially if you've got kids because, like, I have to sneak to have sex, man. Right.

[2599] Now, come on, man. You go through that when you're in high school.

[2600] But if your person that you're married to happens to pass away or whatever, you can't bring chicks around and bone them.

[2601] You can't do that, man. Especially not being loud.

[2602] Are you loud?

[2603] You can't sneak them up to the room or any of that.

[2604] Because when they come in, if you have a daughter, she's going to go, hey, who is that?

[2605] That's what my daughter got.

[2606] She goes right over to the person and starts monopolizing them.

[2607] Who are you?

[2608] Who are you?

[2609] What are you doing here?

[2610] And she makes sure.

[2611] So are you having a sleepover?

[2612] No, she's not.

[2613] So you have to sneak.

[2614] Yeah, man. Being single after you were married for years is whack.

[2615] Wow.

[2616] I was married for years, so I want to be the lifestyle.

[2617] My wife is gone, but the lifestyle, yeah, I miss that, man. Definitely.

[2618] Being single sucks, man. Single chicks don't cook for you.

[2619] You don't want them to cook.

[2620] You don't even trust them.

[2621] Especially if they suggest to you, would you like some spaghetti?

[2622] No, no, no, no. Are you okay?

[2623] Are you okay?

[2624] No, no. You know, you got to be married to trust them to, you know, enjoy those things.

[2625] Well, it's also got to be hard when you're on the road.

[2626] You know, you're on the road constantly.

[2627] It's hard to spend time with someone to get to know them unless you take them with you.

[2628] Right, right.

[2629] And you can't take somebody with you.

[2630] They have their own life going on.

[2631] If you say, come with me, you're basically saying, quit your job.

[2632] I'm not telling no one to quit their job.

[2633] Quit your job and come with me. Oh, no, I'm not doing that.

[2634] So it's hard, man. Especially when you barely know them, you know, because that's really what it is.

[2635] Until you live with someone, you really don't know them that well.

[2636] You do, but you don't.

[2637] You don't see them all day.

[2638] Until you live with them, that's the key part, and that's when they get to know you.

[2639] I'm not talking about a year of living with someone.

[2640] I mean, living with someone, you got to say at least three years.

[2641] Because something's going to happen.

[2642] Three years is a good time for some real BS at some point.

[2643] Right, right, right.

[2644] To get to know the person.

[2645] So, you know, that's the paradox of my life right now.

[2646] People will look and go, oh, everyone likes him.

[2647] He's doing great in his business and his show business and blah, blah, blah.

[2648] Yes, that's good, but that's not real life.

[2649] That's a job.

[2650] My real life is my family.

[2651] My real life is when you come home at night and the lights go off on stage, and that's the part where there's a big hole because my wife is gone.

[2652] And it's not as simple as one would think.

[2653] It's harder than you would think as far as finding somebody.

[2654] To fill in that area.

[2655] Of course, there's plenty of people that say, I would do it.

[2656] I'll come and be, but it's not the person you want.

[2657] You have to be very careful who you have around your children.

[2658] Yeah, man. I want to slap a few of these chicks.

[2659] I'll move in with you and take care of your children.

[2660] Really, you will.

[2661] You?

[2662] You.

[2663] A whore.

[2664] A whore.

[2665] What are you guys with that?

[2666] A whore.

[2667] Oh, okay.

[2668] I just got confused by the accent.

[2669] I thought it was an inside joke that I was missing out on.

[2670] That's a tough situation I feel for you, brother, while you're actually touring as a comedian.

[2671] It's got to be really hard.

[2672] Yeah, man. For instance, I got my kids with me out here.

[2673] I got my sons in your living room right now.

[2674] I got my kids out here with me right now.

[2675] School's getting ready to start.

[2676] So they're going to be with me until September 6th, taking them back home, hanging out with them that week school starts, and then, you know, that...

[2677] Where's back home?

[2678] New Jersey.

[2679] I still live in New Jersey.

[2680] You still live in New Jersey?

[2681] Really?

[2682] And Pennsylvania, too.

[2683] This was in Philly last weekend.

[2684] Man. Yeah, I live in...

[2685] I have a house in Strasburg.

[2686] You know, but I'm just saying, once that goes back into effect, I'm still going to be coming.

[2687] I got to come back out here to work on the show.

[2688] I got to go to Europe.

[2689] I got to go to...

[2690] Cuba, it's the job I have.

[2691] So I can't complain.

[2692] I'm glad I had the job.

[2693] But that's the part of it, the fact that their mother's not here, that makes it really rough.

[2694] Yeah, I imagine.

[2695] If I was leaving you with your moms, I wouldn't even, I'd be like, yeah, let's go.

[2696] But I'm not leaving you with your moms.

[2697] I'm leaving you with nannies.

[2698] You know what I'm saying?

[2699] Because my whole family lives out here on the West Coast or whatever.

[2700] And because I'm not the kind of person that, you know, leans on people like that.

[2701] I appreciate your help, but I'm not asking for it.

[2702] And if you don't offer it, I'm not going to complain about it.

[2703] I do it myself.

[2704] That's how I raise my kids.

[2705] You know what I'm saying?

[2706] I pay my nannies.

[2707] I don't ask nobody to help me out.

[2708] I do what I got to do.

[2709] But at the same time, there's a feeling that goes along with that and it don't feel good.

[2710] You know?

[2711] Do you do video conferencing with your kids?

[2712] Do you try to do as much as possible?

[2713] I got Skype and all that, but that's good.

[2714] My kids are young.

[2715] I got a five -year -old daughter.

[2716] I just don't want this.

[2717] The thing you do to support them be the thing that disables them.

[2718] When they grow up, my father was never home.

[2719] He was always working and blah, blah, blah.

[2720] That's the reason why my life went this way.

[2721] That's my fear.

[2722] I work with that one constantly.

[2723] That's the fear of every father.

[2724] How much time can you spend in doing what you want to do for a living?

[2725] To mold your kid, man, because if you don't do it, he's getting molded.

[2726] The world's going to mold him.

[2727] Whatever you don't teach him, he's going to learn from somewhere else.

[2728] And it may be a warped sense of, like me, for instance, when I was growing up, my dad was always at work, always.

[2729] I was seeing him one day a week, Saturday.

[2730] And usually that wasn't to be nice.

[2731] That's when you was getting your ass whipped for what you did during the week.

[2732] You know what I'm saying?

[2733] That's when your dad showed up to whip your ass on Saturday.

[2734] As a result, when I grew up and became a man, when it came time for me to deal with women, I learned how to deal with women by listening to guys that were in the street, bums, guys named T -Bone and Slick.

[2735] and Big Willie and whatever.

[2736] And because of that, the first couple of relationships I had with women, I was an abusive dude, man. I would think, what, you're talking back to me?

[2737] The answer is I'm supposed to hit you because that's what Slick told me. That's not what you're supposed to do.

[2738] If your dad is there to teach you that, you know better.

[2739] But if you don't grow up with that around, you grow up with something else because you're going to be seeking the knowledge, you go out and do the wrong thing, you know?

[2740] So that's what I think about with my kids, that you want to be there to make sure you're there to deliver all the lessons they need.

[2741] But then when you go, half my team is gone.

[2742] And there's nothing I can do about that.

[2743] It makes it real scary.

[2744] Especially when you start looking at, well, all the people who are talking about, they want to be the replacement.

[2745] You go, hey, it must be out of your mind.

[2746] You think I'm going to bring you around?

[2747] I mean, our relationship is fine over here.

[2748] Do you think I'm going to bring you?

[2749] I think we found the show.

[2750] This is the show.

[2751] What's the show?

[2752] The show is do a sitcom on what's really fucking going on in your life, man. Well, that's why the show I'm doing.

[2753] About the adopted son.

[2754] Exactly.

[2755] It's me dealing with my kids, man. And I'm single.

[2756] I'm going to have the same challenges as I have in my real life.

[2757] And I can definitely bring experience.

[2758] Do you bring your kids on the road with you ever?

[2759] I have done it, but my kids don't like to be at work with you.

[2760] Right.

[2761] You know, for no longer than five minutes.

[2762] Right.

[2763] When they get there, they check it out.

[2764] Okay, now where's the toys at?

[2765] Where's my world?

[2766] Right, right, right.

[2767] Where's the kitty things at?

[2768] So I had my kids with me on the road when their mom was alive.

[2769] But since she's passed away, I haven't had them with me because I'm a horrible...

[2770] Fun buddy for a kid.

[2771] If we go to Seattle, oh, let's go check out the...

[2772] I'll be in the room going, well, if I go there, I'm going to have to sign autographs and take pictures.

[2773] I'm not going to be able to do it the way you guys.

[2774] You don't just go to Disneyland?

[2775] I have to go on certain days, man. You know what I'm saying?

[2776] I don't go when it's peak, you know, when everybody's there because then I become goofy or Mickey Mouse, you know what I'm saying, to the other people who came there on vacation.

[2777] You know, the other day we were staying on 1717 Vine Street, a hotel called the Redberry, right?

[2778] It's right on the Walk of Fame and all that.

[2779] My kid's in the hotel looking out the balcony.

[2780] We want to go for a walk.

[2781] And I was like, okay, you can go for a walk with a nanny.

[2782] There's no way I want to walk on a Walk of Fame.

[2783] in broad daylight with my kids, and I know that that's a tourist attraction.

[2784] There's people on buses, you know, driving around.

[2785] They have the tour buses driving around on star searches or what have you.

[2786] And if you're from Kansas or wherever you may be from, and you go to Hollywood and you see someone you've seen on television, what are you going to do?

[2787] You're going to go crazy, and you should.

[2788] So that's why I was like, you better stay in your room.

[2789] Because if you go down there with your kids...

[2790] It's not going to be.

[2791] Have you ever thought about, like, disguises, like blonde wades?

[2792] Absolutely not.

[2793] I refuse.

[2794] I refuse.

[2795] I refuse to wear a disguise.

[2796] I mean, that's just not out of the blue.

[2797] That actually happened on St. Patrick's Day Parade in New York.

[2798] St. Patrick's Day Parade, a week before that, it was a blackout in my town.

[2799] I had lost power in my house for, like, a week.

[2800] Staying in New York at the London Hotel.

[2801] So St. Patrick's Day was during that week.

[2802] I'm not Irish, even though my name is Murphy.

[2803] I don't be aware when St. Patrick's Day is coming up.

[2804] My last name is Rogan, and I don't know when it's coming up.

[2805] I walked outside with my two kids, and we was walking around Manhattan, supposedly going to walk over to Central Park, and I see all the hoopla on Fifth Avenue.

[2806] I'm like, oh, it's St. Patrick's Day.

[2807] Do you kids want to go to the St. Patrick's Day parade?

[2808] They were like, yeah, Daddy, because they had never been.

[2809] I walked them, just me and my two kids, man, I walked them up to the crowd, put my daughter on my shoulder, and we were watching the parade, and I heard somebody go, yo, that's Charlie Murphy.

[2810] Yo, that's Charlie Murphy!

[2811] Then it started from this side, the left and the right, and then you see the people looking at you, and they're coming forward, and my daughter started screaming, man, because it was a lot of people, and they had us pressed on the wall of the building.

[2812] Shout out my back!

[2813] Screaming, and my daughter's screaming from fear, man. I'm holding my son's arm, and I had to just turn into like an animal, man. Get the F out of here.

[2814] Just push through the crowd and run with my kids, man. And as I'm doing it, I'm going, you're an idiot.

[2815] What made you think that you could stand on Fifth Avenue in broad daylight on St. Patrick's Day in a crowd with your children, and that was a safe thing to do?

[2816] But I forgot for that one split second what I'd do for a living.

[2817] You know what I'm saying?

[2818] It can't bite me in the ass.

[2819] Blonde wig, that's what I would do.

[2820] Maybe dress like a furry.

[2821] This is why you never wear a disguise.

[2822] Because you're not fooling anyone.

[2823] They look over there and go, that's so -and -so with a disguise on.

[2824] I could be a furry and you would never know.

[2825] That's Joe Rogan over there.

[2826] I'd be a fox.

[2827] That's what I would be.

[2828] If I was going to be a mascot, one of those dudes wandering around.

[2829] I don't mind people coming up to me if I'm not with my kids.

[2830] It's part of it.

[2831] But when you're with your children, it's different.

[2832] You're thinking about their safety or whatever, especially in a crowd situation.

[2833] And then when you have somebody that's really not acting like an adult, jumping around and screaming loud, that's horrifying to a kid, man. Right.

[2834] So, yeah, I'm real sensitive about that.

[2835] Which I should be.

[2836] I'm a parent.

[2837] I guess any parent would be.

[2838] You don't see somebody scaring shit at your children.

[2839] No, of course.

[2840] I'm sensitive about that, too.

[2841] You've got to be careful.

[2842] But I go everywhere.

[2843] I just go places.

[2844] Most of the time, people leave me alone.

[2845] And when people say hi, they're usually pretty nice.

[2846] And when I'm with my kids, very rarely do they ask for pictures.

[2847] And I just say, hey, man, come on, man. I've got my kids here.

[2848] And luckily, you could pretty much...

[2849] take care of business if you have to.

[2850] Like, Louis C .K. had an episode last week about the same thing happening where he was out with his kids and these two guys came up and started like, yeah, we're gonna get you, you know, like, get his kids and stuff like that.

[2851] It was fucking scary.

[2852] Oh, wow.

[2853] But, you know, Louis is not a big guy and these guys were, like, big in the show and stuff, but that's scary because people...

[2854] And then I had that thing where, you know, the way most people came and know me...

[2855] the way my name was pronounced to them as a scream is the way they say it back.

[2856] Right.

[2857] Okay?

[2858] You're not screaming just because they're excited.

[2859] That's the way Charlie Murphy, the way you're supposed to say it.

[2860] Charlie Murphy!

[2861] That's how you're supposed to say it.

[2862] So when you got ten people doing it from different directions and you're holding your kid who doesn't even, you know, understand any of the dynamics of that, it's going to scare the shit out of your kid.

[2863] Do you talk to Dave Chappelle?

[2864] Yeah, I talked to him last week, man. Dave's all right.

[2865] How's he doing?

[2866] He's doing all right.

[2867] He's still doing some stand -up, you know.

[2868] And that's about it as far as what I know that he's involved.

[2869] I heard a rumor that he was doing something on the Internet, but I don't think that's true.

[2870] Yeah, I heard that rumor too.

[2871] I just wish the guy would do more stand -up.

[2872] I wish he would put out some DVDs or something.

[2873] He's a brilliant comedian, man. When was the last time you heard one of his bits, though?

[2874] You know, it's just unfortunate, you know.

[2875] I mean, I love a guy like Louis C .K. who puts out a new DVD every year or so.

[2876] But I just wish, you know, David put something out.

[2877] Well, you know, I would think that eventually he's going to have to, you know, because he has to be doing something.

[2878] I mean, he may have had a lot of money when he first walked away, but you're spending that money.

[2879] Eventually you have to do something.

[2880] Right.

[2881] You know, you have to put something out and do something.

[2882] I have enough money to last the rest of my life when you got kids.

[2883] One million dollars.

[2884] You got four kids.

[2885] One million dollars is nothing.

[2886] Dave lives in Ohio, right?

[2887] Yeah.

[2888] Even in Ohio, one million dollars ain't going to last you very long, man. I'm sure you got a couple million dollars, but you got to work.

[2889] What's Ohio all about?

[2890] Why does it live out there?

[2891] Oh, it's very sheltered.

[2892] If you got money, you move to Ohio, your kids are going to be...

[2893] You don't have to worry about nothing, man. What do you mean?

[2894] It's safe, man. It's not a fast -moving place.

[2895] Oh, I see.

[2896] It's not a lot of crime and all that other stuff.

[2897] This kid grew up in Ohio.

[2898] Oh, he lives on a farm?

[2899] Yeah.

[2900] Really?

[2901] He lives near hippies, like Silver Springs, Ohio, or whatever.

[2902] It's like a lot of hippies over there.

[2903] Really?

[2904] Yeah.

[2905] Good skiing.

[2906] Yeah?

[2907] Hippies and a farm.

[2908] All right, folks.

[2909] That's how we're going to end this.

[2910] Hippies and a farm.

[2911] The good life.

[2912] You'll never see me do it.

[2913] Charlie, it's been a lot of fun being your friend, man. It's been a lot of fun meeting you.

[2914] I had a great time doing that maximum tour with you.

[2915] That's what's up, man. We're going to do it again, man. We're going to do something.

[2916] I would love to do something with you.

[2917] Anything.

[2918] I'm just glad we got this done because we've been trying to do this for about two years.

[2919] Yeah, we've been talking about it forever.

[2920] And I was feeling like Joe at this point probably thinks that I'm full of SH.

[2921] No, man. I never thought that.

[2922] I keep saying, yeah, Joe, I'm going to come through your podcast.

[2923] I'm going to come through.

[2924] I'm going to come through Joe.

[2925] But we were never here.

[2926] I know you're busy as fuck and I know you got kids because I'm busy as fuck and I got kids.

[2927] I know what it's like.

[2928] Never here, man. No worries, dude.

[2929] It was fun running into you in Hawaii, too.

[2930] That was kind of crazy.

[2931] You know what?

[2932] Actually, when you see me in Hawaii was when I first started.

[2933] writing that movie that I just finished writing.

[2934] Really?

[2935] On that vacation is when I started writing.

[2936] Yeah.

[2937] That's what ruined the vacation.

[2938] Just out of nowhere, we were staying at the same hotel together.

[2939] That's crazy.

[2940] Brainstorming and all of it.

[2941] Small world shit.

[2942] Relaxing, man. And I was with a girl in Hawaii.

[2943] I don't know if you've seen her.

[2944] I was in love with that girl.

[2945] Remember that girl?

[2946] The one I took to Hawaii?

[2947] Fell in love with the girl.

[2948] Then with the kids.

[2949] I was like, this is going to be the one that I'm going to introduce to my children.

[2950] She was perfect.

[2951] And then we had a conversation, and she told me, you know, I just realized from observing you and your children that you're a pussy of a father.

[2952] Whoa.

[2953] I was like, what?

[2954] She said, you give your kids whatever they want.

[2955] And there's two reasons why.

[2956] One is because they lost their mom, and the other one is because you feel guilty because you're going the road.

[2957] But when I meet your kids, I want to introduce them to tough love.

[2958] And I was like, really?

[2959] All right.

[2960] Whoa.

[2961] I'll talk to you later.

[2962] I've never talked to her again since then.

[2963] That was a girl I had in Hawaii that time.

[2964] Wow.

[2965] What do you mean you're going to introduce my kids to tough love?

[2966] Whoa.

[2967] Yeah, that's instinctual.

[2968] The mothers don't like other children.

[2969] You know, the new wife doesn't like the children of the lost mother.

[2970] Oh, yeah?

[2971] It's natural.

[2972] It's natural.

[2973] You're going to have to find a powerful woman, you know, a woman who is really pure and honest and loving and, you know, someone who really is going to love and respect those kids.

[2974] It's fucking difficult.

[2975] I'm going to let them know.

[2976] If you do anything to my kids, if you hurt their feelings or anything, I'm going to match your contribution to you.

[2977] How many evil stepmothers are there?

[2978] I should tell their own mother that.

[2979] In movies and stories, it's always evil stepmothers, you know?

[2980] I don't play that shit, man. Yeah.

[2981] Because I've seen it.

[2982] I hear you.

[2983] Yeah, you come around my kids.

[2984] If my kids tell me anything that you said or did to them when I was not around, I'm taking their word for it.

[2985] That's my team right now.

[2986] That's what I look at.

[2987] Any grown person that comes in, you can help, whatever, but you're not making them uncomfortable.

[2988] You're a good man, Charlie Murphy.

[2989] I'm not having you.

[2990] Thanks for coming over, dude.

[2991] I really appreciate it.

[2992] Thanks for having me, man. I'm going to have to move this Kevin Smith one.

[2993] Kevin, I've got to call you up.

[2994] You're not supposed to find out about it this way, but it was supposed to be August 30th.

[2995] Kevin Smith was doing it, but we're going to have to move that.

[2996] And that's it.

[2997] Freaks, thanks for tuning in.

[2998] If you can thank our sponsor.

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[3000] What is it?

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[3004] You put in the name Rogan?

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[3008] Okay.

[3009] All right.

[3010] That's it, folks.

[3011] That's what's up.

[3012] That's what's up.

[3013] I've got to update this Ustream page, man, on the Twitter page.

[3014] Some new dates.

[3015] Different dates?

[3016] Yeah, I was going to say what they are, but I don't remember them because this is a fucking mess.

[3017] Oh, okay.

[3018] September 30th, I'm at the Warner Theater in Washington, D .C. That's a new one.

[3019] And then the Verizon Center in Houston, Texas, October 7th.

[3020] And that's it.

[3021] So I'll see you guys next week.

[3022] Thank you to the Fleshlight.

[3023] Thank you to Charlie Murphy.

[3024] Thank you, Freeze Love.

[3025] Thank you.

[3026] Rich, wake up.

[3027] Wake up, Rich.

[3028] Good night, everybody.

[3029] Thank you very much.