Don’t Miss These Critical Moments: Defiant or Desperate Kid?

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[24] So who knows when it started for your child?

[25] Maybe it was in preschool.

[26] when your child couldn't sit still in circle time and started to get in trouble and started a feeling negativity from other adults.

[27] Or maybe it was first grade or second grade because he was impulsive and couldn't sit still all the time and was getting in trouble and started missing recess.

[28] Or maybe it was third grade or fourth grade when the schoolwork got a little tougher and he found out that it was really hard for him to focus in class on things he wasn't interested in.

[29] And so there was pressure at school and then at home there was there were fights over homework or maybe it was a little bit later on when he discovered hey why don't I get invited to the sleepovers why don't I get invited why don't I play on the playground with all the other kids I don't know when these things start for your kids but what I do know is that it adds up and they begin to internalize things and they begin to feel things they know that when they go to their grandparents house that they don't feel the same kind of love and affection that maybe the good child does because your child maybe doesn't get good grades or isn't or doesn't come in the house with the social graces and come and kiss grandma because some of your kids that are maybe on the spectrum a little bit maybe they come in and they're shy or they don't want to hug someone and then they get lectured by everybody and along the way they start to feel different like they're swimming upstream like they're not accepted like people are always trying to fix them and change them from the time they get up in the morning until the time they go to bed.

[30] So I'm talking to this dad and his first, I ask him to describe his son and here's his description.

[31] My son's kind of a selfish a -hole.

[32] And I said, okay, okay, I know where you stand on that.

[33] And I don't disagree that his behavior is like that.

[34] Look, if you were to tell me that your child is disrespectful and defiant and lashes out and says things that you never would have said to your parents and who procrastinates and who makes everything very difficult.

[35] I wouldn't be surprised and I would agree with you.

[36] But what I would also tend to do is give perspective on that.

[37] See, think about this.

[38] If you have a child that we just described who doesn't always fit in, who's in trouble a lot, who feels like everybody's teeming up on him, doesn't it make sense that kind of child would have some kind of attitude toward life, toward you, toward other people, right?

[39] Flip it around.

[40] Let's take the, say, neurotypical child or compliant child who does really well in school and behaves really well.

[41] And everybody loves that child and it's like, oh, you're such a good student.

[42] You're such a good child.

[43] It would be odd if that child walk through life with a chip on his or her shoulder and a bad attitude and was telling you I'm not doing that.

[44] See, that would be odd, right?

[45] So it's not odd to me that you have kids who have an attitude and who struggle with things and who shut down and who refuse to do things.

[46] Now, sometimes refusal is anxiety or usually they're overwhelmed.

[47] Sometimes it's, just flat -out defiance.

[48] Sometimes it defines, but it's not really defiance.

[49] It's, I just don't want to do it your way.

[50] I'll do it, but I'd like to try to do it a different way.

[51] But at the end of the day, let me give you an example of this.

[52] So, and forgive me for this because I didn't want to write notes out because I just want to kind of feel this and picture this and kind of roll with a story.

[53] because I want you to see your kids in a very different way and I don't want you to be shocked that your child has a bad attitude or is acting out or isn't motivated by school and is shut down right that doesn't surprise me if this is if this is the child that we're describing right it makes perfect sense and so here's what was happening so there's this kid he's 17 -year -old kid, and he doesn't have a lot going for him in the sense that our neurotypical kids do.

[54] Like he's not great at school, he's not great socially, all those other things.

[55] So he gets kicked off the soccer team.

[56] Why?

[57] Because he did something impulsively.

[58] And that hurt him because he was really good at soccer.

[59] So now he's going to the gym.

[60] He goes to the gym like 9, 30, 10 o 'clock at night, and the dad was like, well, Kirk, what do you think about that?

[61] And I was like, perfect sense to me. Like, that doesn't shock me that our kids, look, your kids are going to do things differently than you would.

[62] And I am with you.

[63] I'm a dad.

[64] My response to that child would be, son.

[65] You know, it would be much more effective if you went to the gym after school.

[66] That'd be a great way to work off the stress of school.

[67] You come home, the endorphins are going, you've got blood flow of the brain.

[68] Then you could attack your homework.

[69] That would make perfect logical sense.

[70] but your kids and you and me we don't make a lot of logical decisions you may think you do but you don't so many things are driven by emotion and by things you have no idea what they are that are driving you so anyway so of course he's going to go at 9 .30 or 10 o 'clock at night why because they're different and they don't look they don't I mean I would encourage you let go of some of your control issues of some of your anxiety?

[71] Well, let go of a lot of it, please.

[72] Because you're creating power struggles over things that don't need to be power struggles.

[73] Now, I would agree with you.

[74] Going to the gym at 10 o 'clock on a school night, not a great idea.

[75] Why?

[76] Because you're going to get home late.

[77] You're not going to get good enough sleep.

[78] And then in the morning, you're not going to be ready for school.

[79] You're going to be tired.

[80] You're going to be cranky.

[81] I understand all that.

[82] But the truth is, if you're staying at home, it's not like he was going to be going to going to be going to bed at 10 o 'clock at age 17 anyway.

[83] So I roll with that a little bit.

[84] And I say, not the way I would do it.

[85] Watch, think about this.

[86] You know what we miss in this?

[87] We're like, we just want a lecture.

[88] Like, why do you go so late tonight?

[89] I don't understand why you're making those decisions.

[90] Instead of just looking at the kid and saying, I think it's really cool that you're working out.

[91] Takes a lot of discipline.

[92] Right?

[93] We miss that because we're too busy wanting them to do it the way we would do it.

[94] So here's what's happening in this home.

[95] kids coming in at 11 o 'clock at night.

[96] Now at 11 o 'clock at night, here picture the scene.

[97] Mom and dad are laying in bed because it's 11 o 'clock at night and it's dark in their room and they're wanting to go to sleep.

[98] And all of a sudden, door opens, lights go on.

[99] Now, for me personally, huge trigger.

[100] I hate bright lights.

[101] I don't like it.

[102] I'm very sensory like your kids.

[103] I don't like it.

[104] If my kid came in late, well, one, you don't barge into my bedroom.

[105] Two, you don't, late at night.

[106] You don't ever barge in my bedroom.

[107] You don't come in late night.

[108] You don't turn on lights.

[109] I'm going to be furious at that.

[110] He takes off his shirt and he starts flexing in front of his parents.

[111] Now, as a dad, I wouldn't have, I wouldn't have liked that.

[112] I get that, right?

[113] I would have been, you know, what are you doing?

[114] What are you doing?

[115] What do you think you're doing?

[116] You know what?

[117] It's 11 o 'clock at night.

[118] I don't have any yet.

[119] No, why you have to go to the gym that late.

[120] You could have gone this afternoon.

[121] And here you are barging in.

[122] Your mother and I are trying to sleep.

[123] We work hard all day so that we can provide.

[124] I get that.

[125] But if you do that, you're going to ruin this relationship and miss an opportunity to bond with your child.

[126] Because what I want you to see is this.

[127] The outward behavior, that dad had every right to say, my child is selfish, my child is short -sighted, my child is rude walking in like that, and I'd say, you're 100 % correct.

[128] But what are you going to do with that?

[129] Lecture him, right?

[130] Take something away.

[131] It's not going to work.

[132] I was thinking about today, we give consequences for things.

[133] Like, think about this.

[134] I know this isn't the same.

[135] But it's kind of like a person who is struggling with an eating disorder.

[136] or maybe with depression, and we're like, well, let's just give them some consequences for that.

[137] What's the consequence you're going to give?

[138] No, you've got to reach down deep inside your kids.

[139] Look, it's relationships change behavior.

[140] We think that we can, we think that we sit back as parents.

[141] We're like watching our kids and we're like, okay, I judge and I determine that that is wrong.

[142] And so here is a consequence because my goal is to change your behavior.

[143] That's not the goal.

[144] The goal is to build a relationship, to model things, and through that relationship, your kids learn from you and they begin to do things a little differently.

[145] Or you accept them as they are, and you know not the way I would do it, but good job going to the gym.

[146] Right?

[147] And so you could say, this is a rude, selfish kid doing this.

[148] he thinking.

[149] But I want you to step back for a minute.

[150] You know what this kid is doing?

[151] If you think about it, if you really think about it in this situation, it will make you cry.

[152] You know what's happening here?

[153] Here's a kid walking into his parents' room at 11 o 'clock at night, which he knows is weird and he knows it's wrong.

[154] But he can't help himself.

[155] You know why?

[156] Because here's what he's saying.

[157] Mom, dad, I'm desperate.

[158] I just want you to notice.

[159] one thing that I'm good at.

[160] Please.

[161] Just notice.

[162] Look at my muscles.

[163] Because my brother is so good at school and my sister's the captain of her high school soccer team and my older siblings already gone through college and they're so good and I don't even know if I'm going to college and I got kicked off my soccer team and I'm not good at this and I've never been really good at childhood things.

[164] All I've got right now is this.

[165] Would you please just notice one thing instead of yelling at me?

[166] Because that's all you've ever done is notice what I'm doing wrong.

[167] You don't work out at the right time.

[168] You didn't come in at the wrong time.

[169] They know that already.

[170] And it's a big test for you.

[171] And you're justified in being frustrated.

[172] You should be frustrated with this child.

[173] I get that.

[174] I don't want you to be frustrated at them and treat them out of frustration.

[175] but you should feel frustrated.

[176] You shouldn't just lay, like, it would be abnormal for you guys to lay there in bed and say, you know what, I really love when that kid comes in late at night and wakes us up and turns the lights on.

[177] Like that would be weird.

[178] But here's what I want to transition to.

[179] In that moment, I want you to see a different kid, not the rude, selfish kid.

[180] I want you see a kid who's desperate, right, who just wants something good to be noticed about him.

[181] him.

[182] And now you've got an opportunity because now the next time that happens, you can kind of grit your teeth and under your breath, you can swear all you want.

[183] I don't care.

[184] Swear right into that pillow.

[185] But when that kid comes into your room and you say, hey, let me see.

[186] You know what?

[187] You've been working hard.

[188] You are working hard and I'm seeing some progress there.

[189] Like that, dude, it's pretty awesome.

[190] Why is that so hard?

[191] Why is that so hard to do?

[192] Well, I've got to teach him.

[193] He already knows he shouldn't be doing it.

[194] And that should tell you right then, right?

[195] Like, what kind of kid thinks it's normal to do that?

[196] He just doesn't know any other way to get that kind of affirmation.

[197] And it's a little bit of a test also.

[198] Like, this is the only thing I've got going for me right now.

[199] What are you going to say about it?

[200] Now, I don't want you to do a big deal.

[201] Oh, honey, you have some.

[202] such big muscle.

[203] No, don't do big overt praise and make too big a deal out of it because that sounds condescending.

[204] But looking at your son and saying, hey, you've been working really hard at this.

[205] You're putting in the time and the effort and it's paying off son.

[206] Now that, that's affirming, right?

[207] That's all he's probably been looking for his entire childhood is for you just to notice what he's doing well instead of picking out all the stuff that he's not doing well because kids already know what they're not doing well.

[208] And then here's a chance the next day or a couple days later to bond over the things that irritate you.

[209] And what if dad were to come a couple days later and say, hey, you know I've noticed you're really working hard at this.

[210] You obviously know what you're doing because you're starting to build muscle and I can see it.

[211] And so I'm getting a little older and I need to start building a little muscle mass and working off a few pounds.

[212] Would you mind one day?

[213] Could you, could you maybe?

[214] Now, I'm not going to go with you at 9 o 'clock at night.

[215] See, it's fine to put on boundaries.

[216] Although I would encourage you maybe once in a while.

[217] Go late at night with them.

[218] Go at 10 o 'clock.

[219] I know, but I've got to get my sleep.

[220] It's your son.

[221] It's your daughter.

[222] It's a human relationship.

[223] You don't get me. many chances.

[224] Because if you ruin these chances and they're gone, these things don't change.

[225] This is built up for their entire lives.

[226] And you have some chances here.

[227] And I want you to take those moments because if you don't take those moments, I promise you will regret it one day.

[228] You, one day you're going to be older.

[229] This kid's going to be gone and you're going to look back and say, what the F that.

[230] Sorry about that but what the F did I get so odd?

[231] I spent his entire childhood correcting him and correcting him and what ended up happening absolutely nothing.

[232] It didn't change his behavior and it ruined your relationship and now he's floundering because he never got really got acceptance from his mom or his dad or both.

[233] Take the moment.

[234] So you know what I'm going to change it here.

[235] You can have your boundary.

[236] I'm not going, son, I'm not going at 10 o 'clock at night.

[237] But you know once in a while go at 10 o 'clock at night.

[238] Just do it and bond with him.

[239] You'll probably be the only ones there.

[240] And then afterwards, on the way home, stop and get something to eat a late -night snack.

[241] And why couldn't you look once or twice a week?

[242] This kid who feels like crap about himself.

[243] If I could swear on this, I would.

[244] He feels like you know what.

[245] He does.

[246] But now just picture.

[247] once twice a week you're going out for your workout and you ask him to show you something that is a very powerful tool in bonding with strong -willed kids think about a kid's life from the time they're little a parent preschool teacher people at church synagogue wherever they are are telling your child what to do their entire childhood so now you flip it around and you say why don't you teach me something?

[248] Do you know how good that feels as a kid to know I have something to teach someone else instead of them just lecturing me all the time and now you've got your son, you're bonding because now you're doing something that he's interested in and he's good at doing and you're doing it together.

[249] I don't care if you don't like it.

[250] Do it anyway.

[251] It's a human relationship and you don't get many shots at this.

[252] Right?

[253] And so I want you to bond.

[254] with him and then maybe afterwards you stop somewhere and eat somewhere late at night.

[255] I don't care if it's healthy.

[256] You just worked out so you can go eat at Taco Bell.

[257] And you come home and you give a little fist bump and you're like, nice workout.

[258] And then you go to bed.

[259] Look, the thing is you're not going to sleep anyway.

[260] You may as well do something productive, like go spend some time with your son or daughter late at night doing something they're interested in.

[261] You can sleep later, right but you've bonded with them and you've turned something and or you could say hey when I get home from work or at three o 'clock in the afternoon could you take me to the gym and could we start working on some things and you'll be surprised at what your kids do because you'll start to see them in a different sense because you're going to see like wait he wrote down an exercise regime for me he actually restarted it came up with different exercises for things that I need to work on and he's tracking it all the stuff he doesn't do with school work and work around the house, you'll see him doing in this particular area, and it will help you see your child differently, and you'll start recognizing saying, hey, I like your plan.

[262] It's a good plan you put together.

[263] Proud of you for doing that.

[264] Right?

[265] And so it gives you a way to start affirming them and noticing your kids can be successful, and they are successful.

[266] They're just not usually successful in the areas you want them to be successful in.

[267] So I want to encourage you.

[268] Take those moments.

[269] If we can help you with this, reach out to us.

[270] Reach out to our son Casey, C -A -S -E -Y, celebrate calm .com.

[271] We have a huge Christmas sale going on right now.

[272] And we teach you how to do this stuff and to see your child in a different way.

[273] And it rebuilds relationships.

[274] It's not just about, look, we have programs on get your kids to listen the first time, stop the defiance, and all of that you need to do.

[275] but what we really have to do is understand these kids on a deep, deep level.

[276] And I would go through those programs and start to understand your child.

[277] And once you dig into this, it'll make you uncomfortable.

[278] But when you do, you will change the entire course of your child's life and your life.

[279] Because now you will be able to bond with a kid that maybe it's always been hard to bond with.

[280] And you're justified in being angry and upset and frustrated.

[281] are but that's i don't want to leave you that excuse there are ways to do this and we can help you with that so if we can let us know how love you all take those moments talk to you soon