Never Say These Two Phrases To An Upset Child

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[24] Okay, so picture this scene.

[25] Your child is building with Legos or maybe create.

[26] a TikTok video or making a paper airplane, but it's not going well and it doesn't look or work the way that your child had imagined so he gets extremely upset and begins seething.

[27] This is so stupid.

[28] I'm stupid.

[29] Why can't I do anything right?

[30] And you get really uncomfortable naturally, right?

[31] Of course you would.

[32] Why?

[33] Well, because you love your child and you don't want to see your child upset.

[34] And if we're also being honest, it's because it simply makes you feel helpless.

[35] Or it makes you feel really annoyed because in your mind, it's not that big of a deal.

[36] Why are you getting so upset?

[37] And besides, we've got a lot to get done and we don't have time for this meltdown right now.

[38] Right?

[39] You can kind of identify with that.

[40] And you're going to be tempted to shortcut these nasty episodes, but don't.

[41] I don't want you to.

[42] Not this time.

[43] This coming week, let's try something different.

[44] I'm going to give you three action steps.

[45] that you can do.

[46] First, I want to give you a couple phrases that I'm going to ask you to delete from your brain so you don't ruin your relationship with your child.

[47] So that's what we're going to talk about on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast.

[48] Welcome, this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm.

[49] If you need help, reach out to our son, Casey, C -A -S -E -Y, at Celebrate Calm .com.

[50] Tell us about your family.

[51] What are you struggling with?

[52] We will reply back personally.

[53] And if we can help you in any way, let us know you can find all of our resources is at celebrate calm .com.

[54] So, before I tell you what to do or advise you, encourage you what to do, let me, I was trying to think of the word, encourage you.

[55] No, I'm telling you this.

[56] Please stop saying these two things, okay, because they make, they escalate situations.

[57] So let's use the situation of a child's been making paper airplanes.

[58] He goes and throws it, and it just doesn't fly right.

[59] And he starts getting upset.

[60] One of the things we often do is parents say, oh, honey, that was a good airplane.

[61] I will tell you that is infuriating because now you've just minimized what is real to your child.

[62] And you've demonstrated that you don't understand what makes him tick.

[63] You've dismissed it.

[64] You've minimized it, right?

[65] And you've really made it about how it makes you feel.

[66] And I don't want you to do that because that will make your child even more furious.

[67] Right now he's going to be like, no, it's not.

[68] It's the dumbest plane ever.

[69] The other thing we do is this one.

[70] Once we get really frustrated, we'll start to get kind of an aggravated or snotty tone.

[71] You know what?

[72] I don't understand why you have to get so upset about this.

[73] And the real meaning of that is there must be something wrong with you because otherwise you wouldn't be acting like this, right?

[74] This also is, it's a very demeaning, we don't mean it to be, it's out of our frustration, but it's a very demeaning thing to say, right?

[75] Of like, you know, if you were normal, this wouldn't bother you.

[76] So you don't like it when your spouse or friends say that to you.

[77] Oh, I just think you're overreacting.

[78] I don't know why you're getting so upset about that.

[79] No, that would make you furious.

[80] So instead of those two things, here's a new approach with three specific steps.

[81] And I do want to say this.

[82] This isn't what my goal isn't always just to give you, okay, here are the strategies.

[83] We're very, very good at giving very specific strategies, actual scripts.

[84] But what I'm most interested when I'm thinking about these things is showing you how to think about it, right?

[85] How to get inside your child's heart and brain.

[86] And that's the part to me that's the most important, right?

[87] These are strategies that you can use and they will work.

[88] But what's even more important and why I want you listening to all the materials because I go into a lot more depth into your child's brain and their heart and what's going on is it will give you an understanding from their perspective.

[89] And once you have that understanding, all of this becomes a lot more natural and normal, right?

[90] So, number one step, normalize the frustration.

[91] You can even use some intensity, because when a child's really frustrated and I start to talk like this and say, it's okay, we'll just try another one.

[92] Well, that makes me think you're not taking it seriously.

[93] So it may sound like this.

[94] Of course you're frustrated.

[95] You spend all this time trying to build, create, make this, and that didn't turn out the way you wanted, I'd be frustrated too.

[96] see there's something really settling in that whether it's a child or an adult for some just think about you in your life when you're frustrated or something's going wrong and someone says of course you're frustrated you go through you go through all these hoops for your kids or your spouse and then they end up doing this man I'd be frustrated too if that happened so you're identifying with them and you're normalizing it see frustration is okay wait I'm not saying you know what if I were you I'd punch a into wall and hit yourself.

[97] That's not what I'm saying.

[98] I'm just saying your frustration right now is very normal.

[99] And if I were you, I'd feel frustrated too.

[100] See, that has the actually the opposite effect that we think it would.

[101] It's actually sometimes very, very calming.

[102] And part of the reason that settling is, besides the fact of normalizing it, you're showing that you're understanding them.

[103] See, we all want to be understood, right?

[104] We just, we don't want to be judged.

[105] we don't want to be misunderstood, and we don't want to be fixed.

[106] So that's step number one.

[107] Number two, give your child some space, right?

[108] And I know many of your kids, when they get upset, they follow you around.

[109] One of my favorite things, it doesn't always work, is either say, hey, I forgot, I've got to go up and clean up a mess upstairs.

[110] If you want to grab some cleaner and come upstairs and help me, otherwise I'll be back in a couple minutes.

[111] Or I need to go to the bathroom.

[112] but some of your kids will just follow you right into the toilet space so you could say something like this oh you know what i just remember i need to go get something from the freezer from a garage from my bathroom be back in a minute and what you're doing is you're giving your child space you're not abandoning your child you're giving your child space to process his frustration time and space with a strong -willed child are critical if you are intent tent on standing over them, hovering over them while they're trying to sort things out.

[113] It will create even more frustration and it will escalate every time.

[114] So you give them time to process their frustration without being observed like some kind of zoo animal, right, and without trying to be fixed.

[115] No one wants to be watched when they're having a meltdown or freaking out or having, it's embarrassing.

[116] There's that shame we talk about all the time.

[117] Nobody wants that.

[118] So I'm going to normalize it.

[119] Of course you're frustrated.

[120] You spend all that time.

[121] Of course you're doing that.

[122] Man, I'd feel frustrated too.

[123] Listen, I've got to go get something in a garage.

[124] I'll be back in a couple minutes.

[125] And then I remove myself.

[126] I don't say, hey, you know, you're freaking out right now.

[127] I think I'm just going to give you a little space.

[128] No, that's condescending.

[129] I'd be like, guess what?

[130] When you get back, I'm going to freak out even more.

[131] Now, here's the third step, and this is the one I really want you to practice this week, because it may take you more than a week.

[132] It may take some of you months, and that's okay.

[133] You know why?

[134] Because you're breaking generational patterns, and here's what it is.

[135] I want you to begin saying this inside.

[136] I don't feel the need to fix your mood.

[137] I don't feel the need to change your mood.

[138] I don't need, or shorten it.

[139] I don't need to fix or change your mood right now.

[140] I'm comfortable with you, even when you're at your worst.

[141] So you can trust me. I'm not going to say that to the child like, hey, you're at your worst right now, but I'm good with it.

[142] I'm not saying that.

[143] It's an internal thing that you have to get comfortable with inside so that in the moment, see, your child's already freaking out half the time.

[144] And what happens?

[145] We tend to freak out a little bit because we don't know what to do.

[146] or it makes us really uncomfortable, or because of the way we were raised, there are certain patterns that we have.

[147] And some of us have control issues, so we feel the need to fix and change people's opinions, their moods, their behavior, their attitude.

[148] And all that happens is you make the other person miserable and you make yourself miserable, and it ruins your relationship, and it doesn't even work.

[149] So begin to be able to sit and say, I don't have to fix my team, teenager's attitude right now right doesn't mean you have to it doesn't mean if they come and talk to you disrespectfully that then you are obligated to get up and go do nice things for them no you need to demonstrate self -respect it just means that you don't have to fix it because if you're good that's one the most common things we get how can I make my child be grateful I don't know why don't you walk around and badger them about it all day long that's not going to work you model being grateful, and don't get freaked out by those things all the time.

[150] So let go.

[151] Let's work on this this week.

[152] Let go of trying to fix or control your kids or your spouses or your friends' moods, attitudes, and emotions.

[153] Sit in that discomfort without trying to fix them.

[154] They often get upset, more upset, because we get upset and try to derail them and try to fix the situation.

[155] This week, when this happens and your child gets upset, I want you to learn how to just sit in it and not feel compelled to fix them.

[156] I will promise you this is a lifelong change that you make.

[157] It will impact your life when you don't feel the need anymore to control how that person thinks, what they believe in, how they do things.

[158] I know some of you were raised like that, but it's a really nasty generational pattern.

[159] you've got an opportunity to change that and I promise you it is so liberating and you will find that you help people more when you stop trying to fix and control and change them so let's work on that this week if you need some help reach out to Casey C -A -S -E -Y at celebrate calm .com check our website for all the resources and if we can help you on any way let us know love you all talk to you soon bye bye