Hannah Einbinder

[0] Hi, my name is Hannah Einbinder.

[1] And I feel confused about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[2] I love the honesty.

[3] What's the confusion?

[4] I don't see myself as worthy.

[5] Is it my age?

[6] It's me, Conan.

[7] I'm 77 years old, you know.

[8] Fall is here, hear the yell.

[9] Back to school, ring the bell, brandy shoes, walking blue.

[10] Climb the fence, books and pens I can tell that we are going to be friends I'll know that we are going to be friends Hey there and welcome to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend Podcast where I try to passive -aggressively force people to be my friend.

[11] It's actually working.

[12] I've made a bunch of pretty decent friendships through the podcast and they never last people even if they have a good time on the podcast, quickly grow weary.

[13] That just happens.

[14] But I'm joined, as always, by my faithful team.

[15] Mr. Matt, Gourley, how are you, Matt?

[16] I'm doing pretty well.

[17] How are you?

[18] I'm fine.

[19] Matt, do you think most people leave the podcast feeling fairly satisfied or having a better impression of me?

[20] Do you get the sense that these are real friendships that are forming, or do you think that it makes sense that they usually only last about a month or so?

[21] I was going to say, I think they are friendships until you phrased it that way, because it sounds like you're doing a corporate survey.

[22] Is your friendship with me satisfying, very satisfying, you know, that kind of thing?

[23] Yeah, I get a little needy that way.

[24] I should probably just relax.

[25] And I think it also hurts that I do, with several, many of the podcast guests, try to sell them something.

[26] Like what?

[27] Siding, vinyl siding.

[28] Yeah, then it's feeling like a scam to them, I think.

[29] Yeah, and it's true.

[30] I am very interested.

[31] I did invest in a vinyl siding business.

[32] Wait, is that one?

[33] why you're doing this podcast, then?

[34] Let's just say it's complicated, the world of Conan O 'Brien, okay?

[35] And there's a lot of things that feed other things.

[36] How come I'm not seeing any of this siding money?

[37] Well, I've seen your house.

[38] It's not the right house for vinyl siding.

[39] Well, that's true.

[40] Yeah, you have kind of a ranch -style, a single -story house.

[41] Yeah.

[42] More of a trailer than anything else.

[43] That's true.

[44] So I think vinyl siding would be putting a, I'm sorry, a silk hat on a pig.

[45] You know what I'm saying?

[46] You're calling vinyl siding a silk hat.

[47] Well, no one's seen your house.

[48] I swear to God.

[49] I thought that's where they shot Sanford and Son.

[50] I was pretty sure I drove up and I heard a wamp -wob -b -ba -da -b -b -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba.

[51] David, how are you?

[52] I'm great.

[53] You doing all right?

[54] I'm good, yeah.

[55] Okay.

[56] I want to ask you guys a question, which is, I've never liked wearing a baseball cap, okay?

[57] Yeah, me either.

[58] I don't like baseball caps.

[59] I don't think they fit my face or my head.

[60] When I put a baseball cap on, it makes my face look.

[61] look swollen and fat, it accentuates this sort of cherubic nature or bloated nature of an Irish fellow's head.

[62] So I don't like it.

[63] I don't like a baseball cap.

[64] And so, but what I discovered a long time ago was that when I do, whenever I'd do a bit for the show or a sketch, did you just look at your watch?

[65] You just looked at your watch.

[66] David Hopping just looked at his watch in the middle of me talking.

[67] I was making, it got it buzzed.

[68] No, it didn't buzz.

[69] I'm here.

[70] I was making sure that of silence, it was silence so that it wanted interrupted.

[71] That is the most rudest thing.

[72] I just said that's the most rudest thing.

[73] That is the rudest thing.

[74] I'm so sorry.

[75] I'm in the middle of creating my art. I'm Jackson Pollock.

[76] I've got two tubes of paint and a brush and I'm splattering it all over the place.

[77] It's going to be in MoMA.

[78] You're right about that.

[79] This podcast is the equivalent of a Jackson Pollock canon.

[80] Well, it depends on how you feel about Jackson Pollock.

[81] I'm just saying the audio is equivalent to the visual.

[82] Okay.

[83] My point is that I'm a beloved American treasurer.

[84] I let's say treasurer.

[85] Treasurer.

[86] You know, I sometimes like to mispronounce a word on purpose to give the podcast a little more life.

[87] I think I'm a treasure, an American treasurer.

[88] And I think that when I'm making my magic and you look at your watch, listen, I give Sona hard time all the time.

[89] I've never seen her look at my watch when I'm making my mind magic.

[90] I just want to say, I felt it start to vibrate so I was afraid I was getting a call and was going to silence it just in case.

[91] Why don't you take it off from now on?

[92] Okay?

[93] Why don't you put it in a...

[94] I'm going to have a lead box made.

[95] Look, I'm taking it off right now.

[96] Okay.

[97] Can you throw it outside?

[98] You open the door and throw it outside on the floor?

[99] Do I have to?

[100] Please.

[101] David, you should know that we do offer exit therapy on all of these sessions where anyone who's a guest or, you know, a sidekick gets to go into complementary therapy.

[102] It's from human resources.

[103] Please, back to...

[104] I want to hear about the baseball caps.

[105] Yes.

[106] Back to what I call my word magic.

[107] I don't like a baseball I don't think it looks good on me, and it frustrates me that that became de rigour clothing for everybody.

[108] Every man has to have a baseball cap.

[109] And everywhere I go, I see guys in their 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s wearing a baseball cap, and I think it looks stupid.

[110] Now, I've done a lot of sketches in my day, being a comedy veteran, and occasionally I would have to wear a cowboy hat, and I would realize I look fucking good in a cowboy hat.

[111] I really think I do.

[112] And I know you're thinking, oh, no, he doesn't.

[113] I do.

[114] I look good in a cowboy hat.

[115] So today, I noticed from years ago I did a remote in Texas and someone gave me a really cool cowboy hat and I put it on and I like it.

[116] But I think people think I'm doing a bit when I'm wearing the cowboy hat, but I just like the way it works.

[117] So my question for you, David, and also for you, Matt, is can I pull off a cowboy hat?

[118] Now, I'm trying to put it on.

[119] Pull off the headphones first.

[120] Here's the problem.

[121] I just put it on.

[122] I just put it on.

[123] I just put I forgot I was wearing headphones and I put it on on top of my headphones.

[124] Look at that.

[125] That's the stupidest thing.

[126] I just put it on on top of my headphones.

[127] That is the least cowboy theme that has ever happened.

[128] I also love that I built up to a big but I'm going to put this on and you're going to see and here we go.

[129] Clunk headphones.

[130] I don't even want to see it the proper way.

[131] You don't?

[132] Oh, come on.

[133] Hold on.

[134] I do agree that you can pull that off better than a baseball cap.

[135] Be honest.

[136] What do you think?

[137] And, Matt, I want you to be honest.

[138] What do you think?

[139] I think it looks good, but I think you got to cock it back on your head a little bit.

[140] It was a little like, you know, ranch hand when you want to be kind of roguish playing.

[141] So you want it to be, but if I put it back too far, I look like, it looks like I'm doing a bit.

[142] No, I don't think so.

[143] I don't think you need to go that far, but just a little bit because...

[144] I'm putting my headphones on so that...

[145] It takes a little confidence to cock it back a little bit that you're at ease like a cowboy.

[146] But yeah, that's nice.

[147] You got a little bit of lock of your bangs coming out.

[148] Uh -oh, I'm getting a no from some people on this.

[149] It only comes down that far when you're sleeping, you know, when you kind of put it over your eyes to catch 40 weeks.

[150] All right.

[151] I like the thought that he never takes it off.

[152] I don't trust that you have my best interest at heart, Matt.

[153] I don't.

[154] I don't.

[155] You want me to wear it and look like a fool.

[156] I think you should keep the headphones on when you wear it.

[157] Yeah, I will.

[158] I'm going to start wearing headphones even out in the world.

[159] Headphones that have a long cord that aren't attached to anything gets the word out on the podcast.

[160] And then I put, I put this on top of it and it sits on top of my head.

[161] The listeners should know that the bar that goes over the headphones is super thick.

[162] So this cowboy hat is resting inches above the top of his head.

[163] It is, yeah, it is a Western Yamaka right now.

[164] It is just, it's perched at the very top of my head.

[165] You have to keep super still so it doesn't fall off like you're wearing the neck brace.

[166] This is what I'm going to do.

[167] I'm going to walk around.

[168] and have this thing on the top of my head.

[169] And, you know, I know it's a visual joke, but I'm sure, we'll get this out on the internet.

[170] You'll see, you can go on the sites and the clicks and the clacks and Yahoo and Hulu, and you'll find it.

[171] By the way, do I know the business or do I know the business?

[172] Do you really know it?

[173] But this is, this is my new look.

[174] You even move different.

[175] You're afraid it's going to fall off?

[176] Yeah, it is basically just resting on top of three inches of thick rubber I don't know why we're using the headphones that people used, you know, in Korea to communicate with the battlefield.

[177] But I do want to, if you see me out in the world and I'm hard to miss, but if you see someone that looks like Jane Lynch wearing a big cowboy hat, that's me. Okay, that's me. And you know what's also funny is that, you know, during COVID, I have a mask, but I also have, I have this bandana, this red bandana, and I had the cowboy hat on, and I walked into a cell phone, and I put the bandana up over the bridge of my nose.

[178] You saw this, David, you were with me. And I wasn't even thinking about anything.

[179] I just forgot I had the cowboy head on.

[180] I put the bandana over my nose.

[181] And I went and bought one of those energy power bars.

[182] And it looked like Jesse James had come into the store to rob them of a power bar.

[183] So suddenly I'm Jesse James.

[184] It's 1882.

[185] And I'm like, this has it got protein, but how much fat, how much saturated fat in this bar?

[186] And just, like, I'm robbing them, but then I'm getting into the weeds about how much nutrition does it have.

[187] How much?

[188] The workers seem nervous.

[189] The nervous, yes.

[190] Did you notice that?

[191] You tried to cash, like, a, was it a 50 or a hundred?

[192] I had, like, a $50 bill, and I tried to buy a power bar with a $50 bill while wearing a cowboy hat and a kerchief over my nose, so all you could see was my eyes.

[193] Oh, my God.

[194] The woman was looking at the bill.

[195] She's in a 7 -Eleven.

[196] She's looking at the bill, like, this is obviously, a fake bill.

[197] For sure, I thought it was counterfeit.

[198] And that he's about to pull a Colt 45.

[199] Yeah.

[200] An antique gun on us.

[201] She was pushing the button.

[202] And Rob, she was desperately pushing the button to summon the police.

[203] And if I had walked outside with the power bar, I would have been shot to death.

[204] I'm pretty sure.

[205] Wait, because of the power bar?

[206] I think the police would have shot me just because, A, I'm dressed like a bandit, but second, they would have shot me because the power bar had way too much saturated fat for what's supposed to be a healthy option.

[207] And I think that's, they're allowed to shoot in that situation.

[208] Anyway, I'm just, I'm going to stick with the cowboy hat.

[209] And, uh, yeah, oh, thanks a lot.

[210] Good luck.

[211] Okay.

[212] Great.

[213] You should do you.

[214] I salute you.

[215] Yeah.

[216] Conan, you do you doesn't mean Conan it doesn't mean Conan wear a cowboy hat.

[217] It does if Conan's a little buckaroo.

[218] Someday I'll beat you.

[219] I'll beat you.

[220] I'll beat you about the head and shoulders with a cudgel.

[221] I'll use a cudgel.

[222] I'll never be in the same room with you again.

[223] I will use a cudgel when I beat you.

[224] I'll never, never see you in the flesh again.

[225] I will use, uh, what is it a flat, what are those things that they used to hit people with, a flatjack?

[226] A blackjack?

[227] Blackjack.

[228] Yeah, hit me with a flapjack.

[229] That was the original Pat Benatar version.

[230] Before it was hitting with your best shot, it was hit me with a flapjack and, uh, it got some radio play, but then they re -recorded it.

[231] Little known lie.

[232] Here we go.

[233] Very excited.

[234] My guest today is a talented actress and comedian who was just, nominated for an Emmy for her role as Ava Daniels in the critically acclaimed HBO Macs series Hacks.

[235] By the way, I'm a big fan of Hax.

[236] I think it's a fantastic show.

[237] I love it.

[238] And I'm thrilled to talk to her today.

[239] Hannah, Eindynder, welcome.

[240] You have absolutely, I didn't know this, and again, whenever someone's preface is something by saying, I don't mean to sound creepy, they sound creepy.

[241] Yeah.

[242] You have absolutely beautiful skin, like gorgeous skin.

[243] And I was looking at you as you came in.

[244] And just before you got on Mike, you mentioned something about a sunscreen and I thought, you and I are very much alike.

[245] I am looking to play you in the biopic.

[246] Oh, my God.

[247] I'm really, yeah.

[248] I'll do the haircut.

[249] The color seems on already.

[250] You know, it's between you and Kate Blanchett.

[251] Well, yeah.

[252] I'll wrestle her for it.

[253] I don't care what I can do.

[254] No man has stepped forward wanting the role.

[255] I got the torso.

[256] All I need is the legs.

[257] That's what you have a elongated torso.

[258] I do.

[259] You say, you seem very well proportioned.

[260] Again, a creepy thing for a man to say.

[261] First of all, I appreciate the skin comment.

[262] Again, I think you and I are sort of on the same.

[263] You know what's so funny is that you walk in and we have, there's so much that I think you and I can relate and talk about.

[264] And what's the first thing you say when you walk in is, Conan, have I got a sunscreen for you?

[265] That's the first thing you said.

[266] And I realize that people look at me like I'm, the kid from powder like I'm a visible man and you can see my veins I'm worried because yes I'm worried about you damn it yes because I don't know if you saw recently but several brands have recalled their products I did see that yes I saw that two years two days ago and and one of the brands is a brand I normally use when I jump on my bike again as I suspected I hose myself down with this shit and then they said and I'm not I'm not going to mention them in case they're you know supporting our cause here I'll take the money and get the cancer But usually you just get the cancer Yeah, exactly But you know, if you're getting cancer and money Well, hey, that's a good day But yeah, I hose myself down with this stuff And they said that it will kill me Welcome to life on earth I mean, you know, all of our fruits and vegetables Are grown in cow shit And, you know, really everything is poison And so Oh God You've got a, this is, please I'm sorry, Conan This is the way my wife talks All she does is talk about how everything's killing us.

[267] And I say, everything's always been killing us.

[268] We're in the process of dying anyway, so enjoy.

[269] And then I take a giant swig of liquid asbestos.

[270] And hose yourself down and the cancer slick and hit the road.

[271] Yeah, I'm sort of saying, hey, come on, get me. I'm ready to go.

[272] Yeah, check please.

[273] I approach sunscreens the way a professional golfer approaches clubs.

[274] I have at least like 12 of them.

[275] Like have you moved into a tinted sunscreen?

[276] Yep, tried it.

[277] Yep.

[278] What do you think?

[279] Didn't work.

[280] Really?

[281] Yeah, because when I have any flesh color on my face, any human skin tone, people know something's wrong.

[282] I'm serious.

[283] So I got a kind that has like this slight tint to it and I'd put it on and people would say, oh, you're conan, we've got to get you to the hospital.

[284] Your kidney and liver are failing.

[285] There's clearly a buildup of toxins because I can say.

[286] see your skin a little bit.

[287] It has a little bit of a hue.

[288] Okay.

[289] So no. I ran away from that and it didn't work.

[290] And also it gets all over your collar.

[291] Yeah, that's not good.

[292] And it really does have an unpleasant, it's an unpleasant color.

[293] Yeah.

[294] It looks like I had diarrhea on my collar.

[295] Wow.

[296] Yeah.

[297] I, it's unfortunate.

[298] Really, to me, it just feels like you may have maybe, you know, spilled a little bit of a coffee.

[299] I think diarrhea is a bit of a stretch.

[300] I mean, I don't know your diet, but it's not even the diet.

[301] It's if you tuck in your shirt tightly and have a, explosive diarrhea.

[302] It's possible it could ride up under your collar.

[303] Did I go too far?

[304] Matt, did I go too far?

[305] Not if you're telling the truth, no. Oh my God, so true.

[306] This is where I can talk about this.

[307] Hena, this is the problem with someone like you, is that we're going to go off on all these tangents, which are delightful.

[308] But I have some things to say to you up front, which is I was very happy to be talking to you today because I'm a massive fan of hacks.

[309] But I had a specific thing that I wanted to say, which is that I think it's one of the better depictions of the creation of comedy that I've seen on a screen.

[310] That's so incredibly exciting to hear that you feel that way.

[311] And we saw the Vulture article where you kind of said that and we all were so excited in passing the article around.

[312] And Gene and I were kind of freaking out because we love you so much.

[313] And that's so nice.

[314] And I think that it's completely a credit to Paul Lucia and Jen and our writers because, you know, you are sort of, I think with any project when you allow people to tell their own story, it's more true to life.

[315] A lot of stand -up comics were in the writer's room.

[316] Paul Lucia and Jen have been comics at various points in their lives.

[317] And so I think it's really just a matter of, with really any storytelling, letting people tell their own stories.

[318] It's just going to be much better that way, I think.

[319] not since probably like the Larry Sanders show has there been something that to me feels like so true to life and watching Larry Sanders I just tried to get sort of like a feel for the writing sphere although that's like a late night you know area that that was really helpful in the one bone to pick I always had with the Larry Sanders show and I I said this to Gary so it's no secret, is really one writer?

[320] There was like one or two writers, and they were always...

[321] Jeremy Piven?

[322] Just Jeremy Piven?

[323] They were literally just sitting around and there was one or two and then rehearsals were always kind of this lackadaisical affair where they weren't really that worried about the sketch and I'm like, no, you're shitting yourself at rehearsal and you have so many, it takes so many writers to just come up with a little bit of stuff.

[324] So that enraged me. Yeah, okay.

[325] But other than that, it was a very good depiction of the tone, emotionally, of the tone of what's happening at a show.

[326] But it's fascinating that I assumed when I saw the show, I thought, okay, Hannah's got to be someone who just grew up, determined to do comedy.

[327] And so I do a little research, and by that I mean someone else did some research and handed it to me moments ago.

[328] No, this is yesterday I was thinking about this interview because I really wanted it to be right.

[329] And so I did some research and found out that you came to comedy kind of late, which is ridiculous to say you're very young.

[330] You're 25 or 21 or I think you're 16 years old.

[331] Warmer.

[332] 11 and 3 quarters, Kevin.

[333] Like you said, good skin, I'm moisture it.

[334] It says here you were born four hours ago.

[335] And comedy was not something that you were thinking about till fairly recently, isn't that right?

[336] Yeah, in college, I joined the improv team because there was a kid who I worked on.

[337] I was like a PA on a film set, and he recommended that I come try out.

[338] And I started doing comedy in college.

[339] And then I graduated in 2017 and started doing open mics every night as a young stand -up.

[340] And I mean, it's been like a sort of brief, I've been doing it for only a short amount of time, but I think I kind of came to it seriously upon graduating college.

[341] It sounds like you almost took a, all right, I'm going to do this, so I'm going to educate myself.

[342] I'm going to build myself.

[343] I'm going to lift the weights and I'm going to know everything I need to know.

[344] So how did you do that?

[345] Training montage, 80s music, on a treadmill, watching Steve Martin.

[346] Diggin, diga, digger, digger, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam.

[347] Yes, just punching a clown, a face of a clown on a boxing thing.

[348] I wanted to do it.

[349] It just gave me an idea.

[350] I want to do a training montage where I say, I'm going to get ready and do it.

[351] And then it's me, it's a montage of me just playing Eye of the Tiger over and over again and standing listening to it and not doing anything.

[352] But different shots of me wearing different clothes.

[353] And this is you training for.

[354] And eating fatty food.

[355] Yeah.

[356] And then putting the CD in again and again.

[357] and again, and then downloading, getting it from Spotify, and then downloading it.

[358] Yes, training for knowing the beats of a training montage song.

[359] And then you're ready to turn.

[360] Oh, meta.

[361] So Steve Martin, yes, that's all the good stuff.

[362] New Heart.

[363] And really like a lot of Mel Brooks and Albert Brooks, and you got to have the last name Brooks, or I'm not interested.

[364] But no, I'm kidding.

[365] You even study the comedy of the Brooks Brothers, I'm told.

[366] Yes, yes.

[367] Which was a total dead end.

[368] Beige.

[369] Jokely beige.

[370] Et crew.

[371] of ecru.

[372] Braided belts.

[373] Not my thing.

[374] But you got to find out.

[375] Yeah, I mean, I really just, I really just, you know, I became obsessed with it.

[376] I was not a great student.

[377] I have severe attention deficit disorder and a characteristic of the non -neurotypical is sort of not being able to focus on, concentrate on, do things that aren't, that you're not obsessed with.

[378] Is that something that people worried about when you were a kid, this business of having an attention deficit disorder?

[379] Yeah, yeah.

[380] I really, I mean, English and history were interesting to me. But other than that, I really was failing miserably in school.

[381] And so I went to an arts school as a kid.

[382] And then that was a private school.

[383] And then, you know, after the recession, I went to a public school where, you know, I couldn't take a class called Lamp, where we were making LAMP.

[384] out of wine bottles, you know, there was no poetry.

[385] That's also what they have you do in prison.

[386] Yeah.

[387] They had me making license plates.

[388] Are you sure you weren't in a prison?

[389] Yeah.

[390] Well, by the way the girls treated me. Uh -huh.

[391] You would have thought.

[392] But the system, quote unquote, is just not built for anyone who can't just like sort of fall in line in that way.

[393] And that, I mean, at least for me as a child, made me feel.

[394] like wrong and frankly stupid.

[395] And I was in the like learning impaired class where you know you go if you're not really figuring it out in those particular subjects.

[396] And so it's it's like I think that contributes to why a person becomes a comedian in the first place or an artist because there is that like I have to present make my case as to why I am of value and hopefully stranger.

[397] validating me will, you know, bring some relief from those fears, I guess.

[398] Yeah.

[399] I was very ambitious even as a kid.

[400] I don't know why, but I knew that I wanted to do something.

[401] So I really valued math.

[402] I thought, because I can't do it, it must be the only path to success.

[403] And to this day, occasionally my assistant Sona, who's out right now, but she'll catch me using my fingers to figure out the tip.

[404] Oh, my God.

[405] And she'll be like, are you using your fingers?

[406] And I'm, you know, I'm in the embarrassing situations of sometimes they'll do lists of who are the really smart celebrities and I'll be on there because I went to a good college and the words out that I, you know, that, oh, he must be, no, I'm using my fingers going, let's see, one, two, three, no, okay.

[407] Yeah.

[408] And then I still screw over the waiter, but just because he wasn't a good waiter.

[409] Damn that way.

[410] All that issue.

[411] That's a different issue.

[412] But God damn it, when I ask for creme brulee, I want the fire glaze on the time.

[413] He's a nightmare at a restaurant.

[414] Well, please.

[415] Am I right about the creme brulee, David?

[416] You're not wrong.

[417] Okay.

[418] Oh, shit.

[419] David was that later.

[420] I was.

[421] That's how I got here.

[422] I screamed at him.

[423] I promised I wouldn't make the story public.

[424] You're working.

[425] I got him fired.

[426] Yeah, I have a shift in about 20 minutes.

[427] Did you try?

[428] Did you try medication?

[429] vacations and stuff?

[430] What did you try?

[431] Yeah, I did.

[432] The road to Adderall was one very high dose of concerta when I was 15 that was 36 milligrams and was the first time or maybe I was, I don't have a great concept of time.

[433] I was very young.

[434] I was probably 14.

[435] Yeah, it was very, it put me in a very dark place as a very, it's just like I was in my bed unable to move.

[436] And then I went from like 10 milligrams of Adderall to.

[437] about like 35, 40 by the end of, by the time I quit the stuff.

[438] Yeah.

[439] I was, I was on it for maybe like six -ish years.

[440] Mm -hmm.

[441] And it, you know, it helps me get through the system.

[442] I felt that that period of my life is kind of lost.

[443] In all of my memories, I was nothing like I am now.

[444] But in my memories of my childhood, of which there are few, I feel more like, it was like me and then a little break and then I'm back kind of, just because, you know, the effect that it has on a brain like mine.

[445] And Adderall can be great for some people, but for me, it really just sort of dulled the thing that now I know is, is I guess, the best thing about me. It's interesting to me that you went off of it and then had this better access to your improv brain.

[446] But it, like you said, I mean, it created sort of access.

[447] to all of this, all of the, frankly, just emotions in general that I was not feeling because I was sort of numbed up.

[448] I mean, I believe that until my dying day, I will be trying to figure out how to deal with both of those sort of realms within my consciousness, as we all do.

[449] I think that's sort of the never -ending.

[450] There's no looking to a camera in life and saying, well, I nailed it.

[451] And it took me a long time to realize that I had a sort of an acting coach once, even though I'm not an actor, but someone who was helping me, she said to me, what do you, what is it you want to do?

[452] And I just want to be perfect at this, meaning comedy.

[453] I just want to be perfect at performing.

[454] I want to be perfect at being funny.

[455] And she looked at me and she said, there's only one moment of perfection that you'll have in your life.

[456] And that's your death.

[457] And at your death, you become perfect.

[458] And then she tried to kill me. And then you said, okay, how much do I owe you?

[459] Damn.

[460] $6 ,000.

[461] No, but I thought, oh, that's awful.

[462] What are you talking about?

[463] But she was just saying you're never going to get there.

[464] And then it's why we're so nice to people when they pass away.

[465] Yeah.

[466] Because the story's over.

[467] And in retrospect, yeah.

[468] And in retrospect, you say, well, you know, that was the best version of that Conan O 'Brien.

[469] That there could be, including all the shitty stuff, but that's it.

[470] But every comedian that I think of as being perfect feels this way.

[471] And that's like what's so difficult.

[472] Like I think of Robin Williams as being a perfect comedian, his access to sort of that free flowing thought.

[473] I think of you as being a perfect comedian.

[474] And if I may, I know this is difficult for you to hear because I listen to your podcast.

[475] And I know it's difficult for compliments and things like that.

[476] But I watch you and I've watched you forever.

[477] And I, I see.

[478] see you the way that, you know, you may see your heroes and perfect people.

[479] And I maybe I'm talking to myself here too.

[480] It's like if we could see ourselves the way that people who admire us do, we wouldn't see the failure.

[481] That's so crazy.

[482] It's it, it, it, it, I had an experience, which was I was at a AFI salute to Steve Martin who, I mean, obviously I'm a different generation than you, but I remembered when Steve Martin hit, and I was very interested in comedy as a kid.

[483] And so Steve Martin hits, I want to say around 1977, 77, 78, somewhere around there.

[484] And so I would be 15 years old when he hits.

[485] I didn't know anybody could be that funny.

[486] It was seeing, I'd grown up in a world of people firing muskets and then someone in the corner detonated Adam Bob.

[487] And I didn't know that a. person could be that funny and it took my breath away.

[488] So all these years later, I met some big prestigious salute to Steve Martin and a bunch of us are there and we all get up on stage and say these nice things about Steve Martin.

[489] And they show, AFI had made this wonderful montage where they took classic clips of Buster Keaton and Charlie Chaplin and intercut them with these classic moments from Steve Martin, and it was fantastic.

[490] It was so beautifully done.

[491] They just did a beautiful job.

[492] And after it's over, I just had a moment where accidentally I was sort of standing next to Steve Martin and the thing is over.

[493] And he just almost to no one said, yeah, I didn't really belong in there with those other guys.

[494] And he wasn't saying it out of false modesty.

[495] He was saying to him that wasn't right.

[496] And I thought, well, that's insane.

[497] Because your great moments fit in beautifully with those.

[498] He's such an amazing physical comedian and verbal comedian.

[499] And his best work fits in perfectly with the best work of a chaplain or a Buster Keaton or any of the great comedy teams and sort of thinking, yeah, you fit in there perfectly.

[500] But of course he can't see that.

[501] It's not his job to see that.

[502] And it's, you know, so people that get hung up on, will my work be remembered or will people care or how do they feel about me?

[503] It's such a mammoth waste of time.

[504] The important thing is, are you making a lot of money doing it and are you putting that money into real estate?

[505] And then are you making sure that you're sheltered from the taxes?

[506] Sure.

[507] Because the government will fuck you.

[508] Are you harboring someone who fucked up your creme brule and making them sort of repay the debt?

[509] It's a really specific, yeah.

[510] If you take, anyone listening, if you take away anything from this, yeah, yeah, you try comedy, blah, blah, get it into real estate, okay?

[511] Try and get Oceanfront because they're not making any more of it.

[512] And shelter the money in offshore banks.

[513] Okay?

[514] People often say Switzerland, but you don't know.

[515] Belgium.

[516] Pretty good banks there.

[517] That's private accounts.

[518] Not what they used to be.

[519] And I shuffle it around and I'm doing some unsavory stuff with it, but it's very lucrative.

[520] So that's what I want you to take away from this.

[521] It gets arrested instantly after this.

[522] Yeah.

[523] Yeah, they burst up, busted.

[524] All these police cars are swarming around Earwolf Studios right now, ready to take me away.

[525] You know, I saw, something we haven't touched on is that, yes, you're a very sensitive, creative person, and I understand the whole arc, but we're burying the lead a little bit.

[526] I saw your stand -up set on Colbert, and your jokes are great, and you're, man, I can't believe you walked out in front of an audience that big at such a young age.

[527] I think you're the youngest comic to ever be on Colbert's show.

[528] And you come out and you nailed it.

[529] What blew me away is you have this performance piece where you're simulating kids talking 16 -year -old girls talking in a bitchy way or about someone at a party on like Instagram.

[530] Yes, my art. Yeah.

[531] But then you said, what would this be like in the next?

[532] 1930s and you break out these, I'm a fan of old -timey voices and you have, you're such a good dialect comedian.

[533] I thought your voices were really great.

[534] Thank you.

[535] So is that, I mean, that must be a, that's like a hidden superpower that I hadn't seen you access before.

[536] Yeah, I'm like, I've actually been asked if I was like making fun of that time period with sort of that set.

[537] Like, it's, it's more of like a celebration of how wacky that rhythm is and how much I love that rhythm comedically, even if at the time they didn't intend for it to be funny.

[538] Oh, no. I totally think it's hilarious.

[539] And I've always been fascinated with watching old movies and even as a kid, that rapid, you know, Jimmy Cagney would walk into a room and there'd be a bunch of other guys and they're all in black and white and it's all the 30s and be like, hey there, Joe, what do you hear, what do you say?

[540] And, you know, there's this, there's this wise guy rapid fire banter and and people getting on the phone and saying, Wrigley 5, 5, 5 .5, you know, and there's a fire over, McCready's bomb.

[541] Give it here, Spangalee.

[542] It's just like, and to us now, it sounds absurd as the way we speak now.

[543] What I was trying to remember is, however we're talking now, we'll be absurd in 100 years because we're trapped like ants in amber in our own time.

[544] Oh, yeah.

[545] I love listening to, if you listen to politicians speak, in the 1920s and 30s, the microphone had just come along.

[546] So people who started their political career in the 1890s or 1900, they had to project to a giant hall of people.

[547] And so there's a certain way you speak when you need to reach hundreds of people.

[548] And so what's fascinating to me is that then the microphone comes along, but people don't suddenly change the way they speak.

[549] So there's this air of about 30 years where all politicians, even though there's a goddamn microphone inches from their mouth, are going like, and let me tell you, there's going to be a chicken in every part, you see?

[550] And now we have politicians that can know how to use a microphone.

[551] Yeah.

[552] But that took forever.

[553] It took forever.

[554] And I think there's going to be new technology that comes along and people are going to look at the way we're talking.

[555] Oh, my God.

[556] And say, what a horrific mess.

[557] Yeah.

[558] Yeah, I mean, well, if that eventual language even is comparable to the English we speak today.

[559] Oh.

[560] We are probably speaking old English right now, kind of.

[561] What if it's all like?

[562] It's that movie where everyone's stupid.

[563] Is it idiocry?

[564] Idiocracy, yeah.

[565] Oh, God.

[566] That movie chills me to the bone.

[567] I know.

[568] And I love it.

[569] Because it's so funny, it's such a great, it's such a great movie, but my God, too much of it came true.

[570] One of my favorite things about idiotocracy is whenever they show shots of the city, no one knows how to make or fix anything anymore.

[571] So skyscrapers are being held up with rope.

[572] They've just tied rope and it's absolutely a chilling depiction.

[573] And as our infrastructure fails, and in Washington, we can't agree on whether to fix it or not.

[574] Just the idea that that skyscraper is trying to fall over, just tie a giant rope around.

[575] That'll do.

[576] Yeah, so you must be pleasantly surprised by the explosive success of hacks.

[577] And are you thinking, okay, does this lead you down to double down more so on acting?

[578] I mean, I love acting.

[579] The only reason I was able to rationalize my ability to attempt this job having no experience is I just kind of was like, it's just comedy.

[580] I'm just doing comedy.

[581] I'm just going over there and I'm doing comedy.

[582] I've like broken down the barriers of like acting and stand up and, you know, any other sort of medium.

[583] I've just literally so that I won't panic and go down a spiral of I shouldn't be here.

[584] I can't do this.

[585] Like this is a nightmare.

[586] in a disaster they got the wrong guy.

[587] I have had to sort of go, like, it is simply all an expression of one's soul and, you know, wherever that lands.

[588] It's like the only thing I can tell myself to not freak out.

[589] Well, I think any time I can tell myself, I've noticed there are many things I can't do if I have to be serious about it.

[590] but if I can take a comedic angle, suddenly I know how to sword fight, suddenly I know how to perform eye surgery.

[591] I mean, if I, if there was an emergency...

[592] Wacky eye surgery.

[593] Yeah, if there was an emergency and I could go in and perform eye surgery with a little attitude, I think I'd get it like 80 % right.

[594] The person would be blinded, but...

[595] You'd feel good about it.

[596] Yeah, they'll get over it, and I'll be long gone using one of my Swiss or Belgian accounts.

[597] But, you know, there's this thing where I've noticed that I'm not an actor, meaning I don't want to bear some part of my soul.

[598] I can't do that.

[599] I'm not meant to do that.

[600] But so if someone asked me to have like an intense love scene with somebody, I couldn't in a million years do that.

[601] But if it's for comedy, I can do it because there's this tiny scrim, like this really thin layer of, I don't know, it's just for comedy.

[602] and then I can have a total makeout scene with Ryan Reynolds in the rain and get multiple takes at my request and then say we need more rehearsal but we already shot it and I'm like well let's go again after hours come over to my house I really care about this it's very method yeah well but suddenly I don't even think about it I'm not worried about it I'm like yeah I'm going to put on a dress now and I'm going to recreate a scene from the notebook and I'm going to jump into the arms of Ryan Reynolds and make out with him.

[603] And he's going to fondle my ear as we do it.

[604] And I don't know why I remember that part the most.

[605] But, and then be done like, I ate a sandwich and be like, great, I think we got it, Ryan.

[606] That's, I don't know what that is.

[607] I don't know what that is.

[608] But if I had to play an emotionally, if I had to do that in any kind of emotionally honest way, I couldn't, I could no more fly of the moon, you know.

[609] I think it might be the armor thing.

[610] Yeah.

[611] You know, it's, I feel the same way.

[612] When I did my, in, in hacks, when I did my first, like, scene where I'm making out with a young gentleman.

[613] Yep.

[614] And I'm, you know, in my bra and underwear, which is something that I still have not allowed myself to really think about because I'm, I'm constantly, like, cover every part of my, as much as my body as possible in my own life.

[615] Right.

[616] And of course, there was nothing that, you know, I fully consented to doing this scene, and I was made comfortable by everyone on set.

[617] But, you know, that scene, the nature of that scene is we are hooking up, you know, and then I'm sort of running around the room, tearing through boxes.

[618] The tape is loud.

[619] I'm throwing shit all over the place.

[620] Like, there are a ton of lines that we, in the original, that made it some made it, some didn't.

[621] But the angle was it's not going right.

[622] there is a comedic spin on the whole thing.

[623] So it was working towards something funny.

[624] And so I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, it's funny.

[625] You know, I can, of course I'll do this.

[626] It's for a bit eventually.

[627] It's like the same.

[628] It's protection.

[629] Yeah, it's protection.

[630] From being a fool, from actually being a fool, which is weird because we are fools.

[631] Well, there's so many times, this guy just held up a rap sign.

[632] No, I'm not going to rap.

[633] Per goarly.

[634] I like it says rap per goarly.

[635] That means rap when you want.

[636] Oh, as he's just sitting here.

[637] This means rap when you want.

[638] I will not be thrown under this bus.

[639] You guys speak at free will.

[640] I bless and encourage this.

[641] I think someone's got a pizza delivery at the door.

[642] And he's like, I think I've heard enough.

[643] I want to have my pizza now.

[644] This is, and I do listen to this podcast, the most serious episode to date.

[645] No, it's not.

[646] I'm going to admit, I get super strength from seeing this young generation of really funny accomplished comedians coming along and comic actors and performers and writers I always thought how am I going to feel when I get older and there's this new crop and I'm the old man and I have to say it's kind of delightful it really is because I have seen you perform I've seen your show and love it and talking to you and reading about you I'm very impressed with how seriously you take it and how much of yourself you're bringing to it.

[647] And I also like that you're opening up to people and saying, yeah, right now you're going through this really nice moment that I think is just going to keep unfolding for you, but you're being open about the shittiness of some of your earlier life and some of the struggles that you've had.

[648] And I think that's going to be really helpful to a lot of people, you know?

[649] One of my favorite episodes of this podcast is the one that you did with Judd, and I've, Judd -Aptow, and it felt like some, thing that I as like a young comic needed to hear and I know for a fact that um it it it helped me and and I don't know I I just I'm like we climate change is it's here the world is ending like what is the fucking why are we going to just why hide any of why not just tell the truth like we are propelling so rapidly folks towards the big D, and that is deaf.

[650] And so, like, why not just share your experience and your truth?

[651] I've often thought, if things get really serious, what am I doing?

[652] I'm being so silly and so stupid and devoting my life to that.

[653] And then I think they're not mutually exclusive.

[654] Like, there's so many problems in the world.

[655] But if this is what we can contribute, then we'll contribute this, you know.

[656] I could probably donate to some causes that would help fight global warming.

[657] But again, I don't see the tax benefit.

[658] Well, your sunscreen is reef safe, and I know that.

[659] Guys, I really do have a pizza, so let's get this going.

[660] Oh, wow.

[661] I can smell your pizza, and it's over Zoom.

[662] That's the crazy thing.

[663] I wish we could just see, like, steam.

[664] rising up Can I just ask you And before we wrap it up I haven't mentioned it the whole time But your mom Lorraine Newman It's hard for me to believe That you didn't Was there a part of your life Where you were watching her stuff On Saturday Night Live Watching her work And thinking That's my mom Or were you always detached from it Did it always feel like It's from another world Another era?

[665] It does feel like a different person And it does feel like It's from a different era and I am able to appreciate it.

[666] I mean, there's no part of, like, there's no part of me that is, like, walking into the kitchen in the morning, like, she's here, starstruck, wow, there she is.

[667] You know, it's super, like, normal, as I'm sure, you know.

[668] No, my kids are in awe of me. That day doesn't go by.

[669] They have a little autograph book, and I sign it every day since they were born.

[670] That's just for their eBay store.

[671] Yeah, good luck making money off that.

[672] No, there's, uh, that's, uh, that's all.

[673] also refreshing when you're like kids have absolute contempt for me in the best no but in the best way not contempt but like they they they're it's a breath of fresh air for you i'm sure we never sit around and talk about my work uh if anyone else brings it up they roll their eyes and they're like really uh i mean with age how old are your kids like high school age they're in their late 40s uh so yeah high school i had them when i was nine uh my daughter's 17 and my son's Yeah, with time.

[674] Yeah, and it's also something that isn't, I don't, I don't know how to say this.

[675] I don't need that from them.

[676] Of course not.

[677] You know, like, that's the nice thing is I'm, we, we enjoy watching all kinds of comedy and the idea that we would ever sit around and watch anything I did is absurd.

[678] And, I mean, I've encouraged it.

[679] It doesn't seem to stick.

[680] But, but yeah, I don't need that from them.

[681] It doesn't, I like that that's not part of our life.

[682] Yeah, I admire my mom so much more for who she is, like who she is as a mother and a person, while also admiring her as a performer.

[683] But, you know, yeah, I think especially with age, I have, just as you become more of a human being, you understand how difficult it is to walk the earth, obviously in varying degrees, depending on who you are.

[684] but, you know, just that profound respect and understanding for really anyone, but especially, you know, my mom, as time has gone on, has been profound and, like, with time.

[685] I mean, I can tell you, I mean, it's almost a surefire thing.

[686] With time.

[687] With time.

[688] Yeah.

[689] Respect, respect, understanding, and all of that comes.

[690] Okay.

[691] I'll give it more time.

[692] But if my kids aren't familiar with my work, by the time they're in their 30s, I'm going to sue them.

[693] Absolutely.

[694] And that'll be an interesting law suit.

[695] It'll be a groundbreaking...

[696] They'll be in this room.

[697] They'll be in this room.

[698] Conan O 'Brien sues...

[699] He's filming it the whole time.

[700] It's like a weird reality show.

[701] Yeah.

[702] The O 'Brien.

[703] Just try one.

[704] This one's from the 90s.

[705] Try it.

[706] The courthouse.

[707] I was really happy that you came in to do the podcast because you're...

[708] You're the kind of person that makes me feel very good about where we're headed, comedically, artistically, and you're a really good person, and that comes across.

[709] So thank you, so much for coming in.

[710] And I get street cred now saying that you're my friend.

[711] Oh, my God.

[712] Which I don't get a lot up anymore.

[713] So thank you so much.

[714] And yeah, and come on back some time because I just loved talking to you about comedy.

[715] process and you're just right in the middle of it all.

[716] And please tell everyone at your show how much we all love it.

[717] It's really great.

[718] And it's truthful.

[719] And I can't wait to see where it goes.

[720] Thank you.

[721] I will pass along the message.

[722] And I really appreciate that.

[723] Well, if they listen to the podcast.

[724] Yeah.

[725] God damn it.

[726] Fuck that.

[727] Why can't Gene Smart listen to my podcast?

[728] Oh, she does.

[729] Please.

[730] This is spiraling.

[731] Hi, Jean.

[732] She's not there.

[733] She's not there.

[734] you, Jean.

[735] No, it's a different gene.

[736] It's a different gene.

[737] There's some gene out there.

[738] There's a gene out there.

[739] Or someone wearing jeans.

[740] It's like screaming.

[741] Shout out of some denim.

[742] Yeah.

[743] Hey, Jean.

[744] Hey, girlie.

[745] And you know what?

[746] Hey, Phil.

[747] While we're out.

[748] Yeah.

[749] Hey, Phil.

[750] Hey, Hannah.

[751] Thank you so much.

[752] Thanks, Conan.

[753] Conan doesn't have his earphones on, but we're going to surprise him with a visit from Sona.

[754] He doesn't know.

[755] He's going to.

[756] join us any second.

[757] Also, does this voice do anything for you?

[758] Hey, boss.

[759] Okay.

[760] Nice job.

[761] I really like that.

[762] I don't know if you guys thought, but...

[763] Hey, we have a little surprise for you.

[764] It's coming right now.

[765] Hey, look who's back.

[766] Yeah.

[767] Yeah.

[768] Yeah.

[769] Where are them babies at?

[770] They're downstairs with my dad and he's by himself with them.

[771] This is great.

[772] Sona, you, uh, you have not been on the podcast since you gave birth to two human beings.

[773] It really hasn't been that long, though.

[774] I think it's only been like six weeks.

[775] And you were on the last episode, something we had pre -recorded, but it's still so nice to see you.

[776] You know, this takes the drama out of it.

[777] It does.

[778] Let me explain to the listener that for us, we have not seen Sona in eight weeks or something on the podcast.

[779] We haven't seen you because you gave birth to two human beings and you're a mom now but because we sometimes shuffle things out of order people probably heard you on the podcast last week.

[780] Yeah, right?

[781] Did they, Matt?

[782] I don't know.

[783] Yeah, on the Michael Keaton episode.

[784] Yeah.

[785] So basically, people think you're a terrible mom.

[786] Oh, God, come on.

[787] Yeah, the impression out there is that you gave birth and then an hour later started doing commercials for fracture and Casper Mastrichts or whoever, Kentucky Fried Chicken.

[788] I'm just naming people that don't buy ads anymore.

[789] How are you?

[790] I'm good.

[791] I'm all right.

[792] I'm okay.

[793] I don't sleep much, but I think, you know, that's...

[794] Why don't you sleep?

[795] Because there's babies that are...

[796] Right.

[797] I have to feed them.

[798] We have to...

[799] Yes, that's all handled by others.

[800] I remember.

[801] No, no, no, no. How many yajas are currently at the household right now?

[802] Actually, that's the problem is there's no yaya.

[803] There's a dead day downstairs.

[804] Okay, can we use...

[805] I'm sorry, we're in America now.

[806] Let me help out here.

[807] Your father.

[808] Yes.

[809] And then, of course, a ya -ya is a grandmother.

[810] It's a grandmother.

[811] So my, I love them and I need them, but they never had a conversation with me about it.

[812] They just started showing up.

[813] Like the day after we got back from the hospital, they just came.

[814] And then...

[815] I'm told your mother didn't even use the door.

[816] She walked through the wall.

[817] And there's a hole in the wall that's the shape of your mom.

[818] She just walked right through the wall and grabbed both babies.

[819] Isn't that true?

[820] Yeah, she walked in like the Kool -Aid man. And then she just took one of the babies.

[821] I don't see them.

[822] And then at night, TAC's parents come.

[823] So they're the night shift.

[824] And then they leave.

[825] And then Tack and I take care of, well, not the night.

[826] They take care of the evening.

[827] They're like, yeah, but you're getting a ton of help.

[828] Yeah.

[829] So do you sleep during the day, maybe?

[830] No. I mean, not really.

[831] No, they're just, I can't like just turn it off.

[832] They're there and they, like, need me. and I have to hold them.

[833] You mean, you're not sounding very maternal.

[834] I have to hold them.

[835] Hasn't clicked in yet, huh?

[836] Yeah.

[837] Has it clicked in yet, I know.

[838] They need me and I have to hold them.

[839] I just, I'm ready for them to be fun.

[840] They're just like, like, drooling, and, you know.

[841] But they're great.

[842] I like them a lot.

[843] I love them.

[844] I mean, I love them.

[845] What are their names?

[846] Mikey and Charlie.

[847] Yeah, Mikey and Charlie.

[848] I knew that.

[849] I just want, I don't want people to think I'm a monster.

[850] I did know that, but I wanted the list.

[851] public to know that it's Mikey and Charlie.

[852] Do they have Armenian middle names?

[853] They do.

[854] They do.

[855] What are your middle names?

[856] Charlie's is Krikod and Michael's is Tanyel.

[857] Krikkjord?

[858] Krikod.

[859] It's like Gregory, but it's Krikor.

[860] Krikor.

[861] Yeah.

[862] Just for the record is nothing like Gregory.

[863] Yeah.

[864] I love how in Armenian you can say, what's his middle name?

[865] Grebstedio, Zumbrag.

[866] You know, it's like Tim.

[867] How is that like Tim?

[868] What's his name?

[869] Grubstrang, Brigadio de Sjambandia.

[870] You know, Billy.

[871] Do I miss this?

[872] I don't think you do.

[873] Do I?

[874] I need to go.

[875] What's that?

[876] They're crying?

[877] Oh, no. They're actually saying, Mama, I need you.

[878] I'm having a baby just to get out of this.

[879] I know.

[880] I suspect that people are faking having babies just to get away from me. Because I keep hearing, Sony, you had these babies, but I never see any sign of them.

[881] and then I see pictures of you online vacation and different hotspots around the world.

[882] Yesterday you started, we were on the phone, you started doing a bit that was annoying.

[883] And I was like, what's that?

[884] I'm pregnant again, remember?

[885] Yes, that's true.

[886] I'm going to just get pregnant whenever you annoy me. Okay, well, sorry.

[887] You've said some kind of record.

[888] Listen, I'm worried you're not getting any sleep at night, but let me tell you this.

[889] Babies until three months, they don't do much, you know?

[890] But then when three months hits, they're going to start to lock eyes with you.

[891] Yeah.

[892] My kids that three months recognized me. They were like, oh, shit, that's Conan O 'Brien.

[893] Wait, they recognized you as their father or they recognized you as like a public figure, like a celebrity.

[894] Oh, no, no, I just knew me from the 90s.

[895] They totally recognized.

[896] Yeah.

[897] They were like, oh, shit, you know, the early stuff was so good.

[898] The kids, it turns out, were very familiar with my career.

[899] So long before they knew me as a father, they knew me as a guy.

[900] who was on late night.

[901] Oh, okay.

[902] Yeah, syndicated briefly on CNBC in the early 2000s.

[903] So right now, you're deada, your father.

[904] My dad, their deade.

[905] Okay.

[906] What do you call him?

[907] Pop.

[908] What's the Armenian way to say father?

[909] Baba.

[910] So you'd say he's your baba, he's their deada.

[911] What do you call a bottle then if you don't say Baba for a baby?

[912] What?

[913] Yeah, bottles in my family were Baba.

[914] Wait, what?

[915] Up until two years ago.

[916] Yeah, and sometimes when I really hit the bottle, it goes back.

[917] Back, baby bottle, you'd go, Baba.

[918] No, why do you assume, Matt, that everyone said that that's just you?

[919] I guess.

[920] What do you mean?

[921] That's what babies call a bottle.

[922] Babies can say any.

[923] I thought that was something that people did, that that was kind of like dad, da, mama, baba.

[924] Oh, no, okay.

[925] Well, I'm sorry to have offended you all.

[926] My children were very verbal.

[927] They would say, liquids, please.

[928] And that was it, that was at three weeks.

[929] Liquids, please, for nourishment.

[930] That's what my daughter said at three weeks.

[931] Okay.

[932] And she wore a monocle.

[933] So the question is, you are, of course, a big part of the podcast, the trio, if you will, the super friends team of Conan, Matt, and Sona.

[934] This question is you've now entered this new phase of your life.

[935] What if you've lost it?

[936] What if you don't have it anymore?

[937] Or what if you don't want it is more likely.

[938] Oh, please.

[939] Who wouldn't want to be on this podcast?

[940] It's a rocket ship to fame.

[941] But what if you don't have it anymore?

[942] What if all of your, you're like, I have a funny anecdote?

[943] babies are pretty I know I thought about that I mean there's going to be a lot less like oh I you know tried to sneak in edibles to Disneyland stories which I hope so I was thinking about that today that I can't go to Disneyland high anymore because if I go to Disneyland I obviously have to take the kids and I can't be high with the kids so I don't know when I can be high at Disneyland again when Sona goes to Disneyland high it's funny when Sona the mom goes to Disneyland high it's a crime I know.

[944] So, yeah, I don't know if there's gonna be any fun stories like that but, you know, did I ever really have it?

[945] I mean, I can't really do improv.

[946] You guys were the funny one.

[947] You know what?

[948] That's not true.

[949] I was just a long for the right.

[950] No, it's, you know, I mean, it's, it is what it is.

[951] It's cool.

[952] Well, I just want to make it clear that if you've lost your fastball at all, you're done, you know?

[953] What?

[954] Yeah, it's just, I'm sorry.

[955] I think too many people in America make exceptions.

[956] I just make sure Just make sure that you haven't lost your This sounds very threatening Like you're saying to a woman who just gave birth Like you better still be good or else you're fired While she's on maternity leave Yeah While my two infant children are sleeping downstairs With their Baba Dada right Baba's bottle Oh see that's what I thought This is such a stupid conversation Baba Dada bottle?

[957] What?

[958] What kind of exchange is that I'm pretty sure I can threaten to fire Sona while she's off on maternity leave And I don't think there's any legal recourse that she would have Now listen, I have not consulted a lawyer And I've not looked into this at all But I'm quite certain Sona that I can threaten you right now No I didn't think about you firing me I was just like, what if I don't have it anywhere But you're like, you're okay So I can get fired Let's get to a more profitable area rather than this negativity.

[959] Let's talk about the beauty of the fact that you now have these two baby boys.

[960] Yeah.

[961] And I want to talk about something, Sona, which is you sent me a picture of the other day, and you dress them like old men.

[962] You dress them with suspenders, and they have combovers.

[963] They have ridiculous combovers.

[964] Stop their babies.

[965] They have, like, one of them has, like, a receding hair line.

[966] They seriously look like 95 -year -old men, two 95 -year -old men, and their expressions are very sour.

[967] Like, they're unhappy.

[968] They can't hear the television.

[969] It's not a receding hairline.

[970] It's an advancing hairline, I'm sure.

[971] We hope.

[972] Oh, that makes more sense.

[973] You know, that makes a lot more sense.

[974] They do look like old men.

[975] I like dressing them up in suspenders.

[976] I like to, when I dress them up and I comb their hair, I go, I go, you two are my little gentleman.

[977] And I like to dress them up like they're my dolls.

[978] They're my living, breathing dolls.

[979] Can I ask you a question?

[980] If I sent you two little fake mustaches, Old man mustaches, would you put them on the babies?

[981] I, yeah, I would, but why do you want to do that?

[982] If I sent you two real old men mustaches, would you put them on the babies?

[983] Absolutely.

[984] I think they can grow mustaches.

[985] They're really hairy.

[986] Like, their backs are very hairy.

[987] What do you mean they're bad?

[988] No, they aren't.

[989] Babies don't have hairy backs.

[990] My boys have hairy backs.

[991] They have an advancing back line.

[992] Yeah, it's off pudding.

[993] You could probably comb the hair from their backs up and over the top.

[994] of their head.

[995] Yes.

[996] And they'll have more hair.

[997] Like a hair hoodie.

[998] Do they really that hairy?

[999] Yeah.

[1000] There's things about them that I'm like, oh, is this, is this normal?

[1001] Like, Mikey has.

[1002] The 6 -66 on their forehead.

[1003] Does this happen when there's a full moon?

[1004] Mikey has these giant eyes, like half of his face are eyes.

[1005] And then he, like, when he was first born, he would widen his eyes like he was like, like seeing a figure.

[1006] or he was possessed, and it honestly freaked me out.

[1007] Like, I was really nervous about it.

[1008] I was like, is something wrong with him?

[1009] But I think that's just babies are doing stuff like that.

[1010] Never heard of that, never heard of that.

[1011] No, I've never heard of that either.

[1012] Okay, all right.

[1013] So your babies are very hairy and their eyes expand to twice the, or three times the size of normal eyes.

[1014] Yes, yeah, they do.

[1015] Okay.

[1016] They basically can detect motion through sonar.

[1017] Is that what you're saying?

[1018] What?

[1019] Do they prefer a cave, say, to, just curious.

[1020] They sound very bat -like.

[1021] Are you saying my children are bats?

[1022] No, I said bat -like.

[1023] That's not an insult.

[1024] No, they're not like bats.

[1025] They're cute little gentlemen.

[1026] They're two little gentlemen.

[1027] And I'm going to buy them tweed jackets and corduroy.

[1028] I'm going to dress them up like college professors.

[1029] Yeah, or Matt Goreley.

[1030] And if you wonder why.

[1031] Hey, let's get a carpenter to build them tiny little arts and crafts.

[1032] houses in Pasadena.

[1033] That could do it.

[1034] I was like, do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do I don't know what I'm doing right now.

[1035] Is that a banjo?

[1036] I'm so happy to see you.

[1037] It is.

[1038] It's very nice to see you.

[1039] I'm really happy to see you guys too.

[1040] I really missed you.

[1041] I mean, I saw you guys all the time and then I, and then it stopped and I missed you guys.

[1042] And you know I have FOMO.

[1043] I feel like you guys were having a lot of fun without me. Oh my God.

[1044] We're having a lot of fun.

[1045] Okay.

[1046] You know.

[1047] And, um, David Hopping.

[1048] has been filling in for you, and we, after we do a record, I take him to your former favorite meal, which was sugarfish sushi.

[1049] And I take him there.

[1050] And David Hopping and I have such a blast and we're laughing and we're eating your favorite sushi and you're not there.

[1051] It's fantastic.

[1052] Well, don't forget, you're also sending me photos of the two of you, having fun and smiling.

[1053] I took all these photos of David Hopping, eating your favorite meal, me laughing, me laughing, maniacly, and sent them to you.

[1054] Why did I do that?

[1055] Why do you do half the things you do?

[1056] Oh, right, right, right, right.

[1057] I forgot.

[1058] Evil, evil.

[1059] Yeah.

[1060] Well, Sona, I know that you have children to look after, Mikey and Charlie, but we really miss you.

[1061] We love you and we're so happy for you.

[1062] And I can't wait to see you back here in the studio when you're ready.

[1063] Okay.

[1064] Thank you, Conan.

[1065] I miss you.

[1066] My lawyer, my lawyer wrote that for me. I knew it.

[1067] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Goreley.

[1068] Produced by me, Matt Goreley.

[1069] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solitaroff, and Jeff Ross at Team Koko, and Colin Anderson at Earwolf.

[1070] Theme song by The White Stripes.

[1071] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[1072] Take it away, Jimmy.

[1073] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[1074] Engineering by Will Bechton.

[1075] talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brick Kahn.

[1076] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode.

[1077] Got a question for Conan?

[1078] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

[1079] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[1080] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[1081] This has been a TeamCol.

[1082] Proko Production, in association with Earwolf.