Armchair Anonymous: Pooped on a Date

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[3] Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Endangerous.

[4] No, poop's on a date.

[5] That's the intro of the show still says Armchair and Dangerous.

[6] No, Poop.

[7] Onchair Anonymous.

[8] Oh, my God.

[9] I'm so confused.

[10] We have so many shows.

[11] cannot even get them straight.

[12] Well, in my defense, it's compounded by the fact that the star of arm -shared and dangerous is sitting across from us.

[13] It's a lot.

[14] I'm not mean to be here right now.

[15] No, I mean, you are meant to be here.

[16] I think I'm the one that's encroaching on your time slot because I want to work out with my mother.

[17] My sweet mom's waiting to exercise with me and Dan Gaines Paradise, whatever it's called.

[18] Beefhoss, my God.

[19] Armchaird anonymous.

[20] Flightless bird.

[21] Nurture versus nurture.

[22] Things in development you haven't heard of.

[23] Race to 35.

[24] Race to 35.

[25] Coming to a theater near you.

[26] Okay, what's your grievance?

[27] Just, it's obvious what anyone's grievance would be.

[28] Yeah, just, we have too many shows.

[29] Yeah, yeah, I got confused.

[30] It definitely didn't help that the king of Kiwis is sitting right in front of me. That's so good.

[31] So.

[32] Oh, so this is a really wonderful, wonderful life -affirming episode, truly.

[33] This will be the only one I don't give a disclaimer, or a warning about.

[34] This is the only one I actually think you guys should listen to.

[35] Except you already fucked it up by calling it armchaird in dangerous.

[36] So the intro, none of our intros have been clean for this show.

[37] Was it bad or was it a duck, duck goose?

[38] A ding, ding, ding, because this is a dangerous episode.

[39] You're right.

[40] It is very dangerous.

[41] Broiden slip.

[42] Yeah, and you're armed.

[43] These folks are armed.

[44] The chamber is full.

[45] Yes.

[46] But this episode is so sweet and beautiful and romantic because these are times people had an unauthorized evacuation in a romantic situation on a date with a lover, fill in the blank.

[47] And there was something I was so unexpected about this when we started talking to people.

[48] I almost cried.

[49] Yeah, same.

[50] You know, the workplace one is I think I end up saying within this episode, which is those were those, that was a horror movie.

[51] You panic, sweating.

[52] Yeah, hearts racing, adrenal dump, cortisol.

[53] all, the whole gamut.

[54] These are sweet because the person really would like the person they're with to not witness this.

[55] And it's so endearing and life affirming.

[56] I loved everyone that participated in this.

[57] Me too.

[58] Yeah, it's so good.

[59] David, have you ever gone pooey?

[60] You say poo and pooey.

[61] Right.

[62] We say poos.

[63] We had Ness on, of course.

[64] Yeah.

[65] I had a friend who was on a date, and she ended up at the boy's house and did a poo, and it was too big to flush.

[66] Yeah, a large, larger poo.

[67] There was no plunger or anything to sort of break the poo up with or whatever he, she didn't wrestle with the poo.

[68] And so flushed again, wouldn't flush, got a plastic bag, got the poo in a plastic bag, snuck it out into the car.

[69] And then not long up to us was involved in a car crash.

[70] And so they found this woman distressed in her car, beautiful woman with a little bag of poo, her own poo next to her in the car.

[71] Wow.

[72] Mortified.

[73] Did they think that that established, blame like well clearly it's this person's fault they're driving around with the turd on the front seat it didn't help the car crash scenario okay at all okay it was bad but hey she didn't embarrass herself in front of the boy and that's a win you want to talk about a bad day you know like a series of like these are once in a most people only getting a couple car accidents in their whole life most people only clog a toilet and convey the turd in a plastic bag once in their life if ever the fact that these things happen rapid you know what you should do monica i got a pitch for you this is right off the dome celebrity wood to knock on so it's like it's a little it almost looks like a cribbage board and you would sell it and you always have it on your person to knock on because you you must panic you must be panicked so much in real life that there's no wood for you to yeah i do sometimes i had knock on my head that's it's not i know i know it's scary I really, let's, let's workshop this a little bit.

[74] Okay, you need those seed money.

[75] Would the board have like knuckle spots?

[76] No, because I think that would invariably, you wouldn't line them up perfectly, and then you'd be hitting the ridges and it would hurt quite a back.

[77] And then also, that would be bad luck.

[78] You didn't get it in.

[79] In fact, I think what your goal should be is to engineer a piece of wood that is both satisfying auditorily when you hit it.

[80] It gives you that textbook.

[81] Oh, you want that, but you don't want the pants.

[82] Yeah.

[83] So you would engineer a piece of wood that was very forgiving and very loud.

[84] So people could knock that thing 10, 12 times a day if necessary.

[85] And it'll be in the shape of a mouse.

[86] It'd be, well, engraved.

[87] No, it'll be in the shape of a mouse because then you could stick in your purse.

[88] Why?

[89] I think we might be parting ways as business.

[90] Oh, my God.

[91] It'd be so cute if you took out a little.

[92] That's a different thing, Monica.

[93] If you're selling mouse friends, like mouse collect.

[94] That's its own business.

[95] This needs to be a rectangle piece of wood.

[96] Oh, this is because your obsession with rectangles and you don't like circular stuff.

[97] No, it's with my obsession with clarity of product.

[98] Like if I see on the shelf a nice wooden cut out of a cute mouse, the very last thing I think is that's for knocking on wood.

[99] That's what's fun about it.

[100] It's a double entendre.

[101] Okay, force majeure.

[102] Dual citizenship.

[103] The Hellenics, classical studies, liberal arts education.

[104] Okay, this has been way too long and we haven't heard once.

[105] Well, no, we need to hear one story about pooping your pants in a romantic situation.

[106] But rest assured, this is a beautiful, beautiful heartwarming episode in my heart and love and thoughts and prayers goes out to everyone who was generous enough to share their stories with us.

[107] Enjoy.

[108] All times come and go.

[109] Take them slow.

[110] I'm going to keep on shining.

[111] You went away and then you came back.

[112] Can you guys hear me okay?

[113] Oh, absolutely.

[114] Hold on, Wobby Wob's munching.

[115] He's tinkering.

[116] He's rascalin.

[117] Oh, there we go.

[118] Hi.

[119] Oh, my goodness.

[120] I saw you guys in San Francisco in February.

[121] It was so much fun.

[122] Armatured and dangerous.

[123] Yes.

[124] Are you in love with David Ferrier, as we all are?

[125] Yes.

[126] Oh, my gosh.

[127] I learned about him from you guys.

[128] Dark tourists.

[129] I went through it and I absolutely loved it.

[130] I love that he has his own podcast with you guys now.

[131] Have you seen tickled?

[132] No, that's on my list.

[133] I need to.

[134] Oh, you have to.

[135] That is worth buying on iTunes.

[136] It's so fucking weird.

[137] It's so good.

[138] Oh, it's one of the weirdest docs I ever saw.

[139] I loved it before we met him.

[140] Am I allowed to use your real name?

[141] Yes, my name is Haley.

[142] Okay, and you don't mind that we use it as we talk to you during the story.

[143] No worries, no worries.

[144] Fuck it.

[145] We love it.

[146] You're owning it.

[147] Pretty much, especially for a story like this.

[148] You just got to own it.

[149] We're so excited.

[150] I know.

[151] Just hearing poop on a date.

[152] Like, it gets me, who?

[153] I don't know.

[154] Workplace day.

[155] Workplace day.

[156] I guess dates are more disposable.

[157] It's hard to get a job.

[158] But the romantic element.

[159] But the romantic element.

[160] It's heightened.

[161] Yeah, it's heightened.

[162] That's the part.

[163] That's the part that I'll get, yeah.

[164] Okay, Haley, please tell us what happened.

[165] And God bless you for sharing before we even start.

[166] Okay.

[167] So, this story takes.

[168] place in 2019.

[169] My boyfriend, we had both graduated college and moved back to the Bay.

[170] I was living at home with my parents over in the East Bay and he was over in the South Bay.

[171] And so at that time, we were driving to meet each other for dinner.

[172] We weren't used to the distance apart.

[173] So trying to make it a special thing, those weekly dinner dates.

[174] And so I got off work.

[175] I remember I was wearing a nice dress, which is key in this story.

[176] I thought I looked real cute.

[177] I was all excited.

[178] And we met at our favorite tie place.

[179] And everything was going well.

[180] And to preface, I have always had stomach problems.

[181] It's no surprise to me. It runs in the family.

[182] They just say it's the bad family stomach.

[183] Would we go so far as the label at IBS?

[184] Yeah, that's what I was going to say.

[185] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[186] We would for sure label at IBS.

[187] It's common for women, too.

[188] It's extra common.

[189] Is it?

[190] Now we're going to get into tons of stereotypes, but is it part of nervousness?

[191] It might be.

[192] I think for me, it's part family problem.

[193] My dad has diverticulitis, so he has intestine stuff.

[194] And then also it is like stress, anxiety related for sure.

[195] I think this layer up might have just been life.

[196] I don't remember being particularly stressed.

[197] Environmental maybe we'll label it.

[198] Environmental, I think, yes.

[199] Nurture.

[200] Nurture for this one for sure.

[201] So I have my dress on.

[202] We are at dinner with Thai food and super flavorful food.

[203] It's always kind of a crapshoot.

[204] You don't know what's going to happen.

[205] You don't know what you're going to get.

[206] It's a little bit of Russian roulette, as we'd say.

[207] Yes, we're eating, we're having a nice time.

[208] I am letting some gas out.

[209] I'm thinking this is the way better option than the other way the stomach problem could go.

[210] They're silent.

[211] They're not deadly.

[212] I'm not smelling anything.

[213] Great.

[214] I am thinking, like, this is going to be amazing.

[215] My stomach isn't going to bother me today.

[216] Maybe we'll go back after, have a nice time.

[217] I was smooth sailing, getting away with murder, having a nice time.

[218] I'm still farting.

[219] I'm still going.

[220] No one knows.

[221] At the restaurant.

[222] Yeah.

[223] At the restaurant, yes.

[224] We leave.

[225] We get in the car.

[226] I'm feeling good.

[227] I'm still farting a little bit, but I'm thinking it's just farts.

[228] And, you know, I really skirted something here.

[229] It sounds like you had a lot of gratitude.

[230] Oh, that's sad.

[231] Yeah, yeah.

[232] I was thankful.

[233] I was sending it out to the universe.

[234] I was so happy that these were the cards that I was dealt tonight.

[235] We get back to his house.

[236] We're going to hang out for a little bit before I have about an hour drive back home.

[237] He lived with four other boys at that time that he was friends with from college.

[238] I knew them too.

[239] Not all of them super well.

[240] We say hi.

[241] We chat a little bit.

[242] and then we go to his room.

[243] And I think, okay, you know, I'm going to go to the bathroom, and then we can hang out, do whatever.

[244] And I leave my purse in there with my phone because I'm just going pee, why would I need my phone?

[245] And I go to the bathroom, I sit down, and I lift my dress up, and I pull my underwear down, and I look at my hands.

[246] Oh, no. Oh, okay.

[247] And they're covered in brown liquid.

[248] Oh, God.

[249] And I just remember my heart stopping as my hands are just, covered in brown liquid.

[250] Oh, man, hold on a second.

[251] Okay, really quick question, geographical one.

[252] Does he have his own bathroom, or are you in the communal bathroom that all the boys use?

[253] I'm in the communal bathroom, way down the hall, all of the boys, you know.

[254] Okay, so I guess if I'm you, I see that, oh, my goodness, how did I not know that was happening?

[255] My first thought was, where was I sitting prior to this?

[256] Right.

[257] The car.

[258] Sorry, I just wanted to really know where we're at.

[259] Yes, they're covered in diarrhea.

[260] We'll just put it that way.

[261] Sure, sure.

[262] And I rip the dress off, I look at in the mirror, and my back is just smeared in what looks like a baby blowout.

[263] Oh, my God.

[264] Oh, my God.

[265] But nothing smells?

[266] That's what I don't understand.

[267] There were no smells that indicated this is what had happened, because what had happened was I thought I was, farting all dinner and all night.

[268] I was just shitting my pants.

[269] All night long.

[270] Just shitting myself.

[271] Oh my God.

[272] Wait.

[273] Wait.

[274] Oh, my God.

[275] Did he notice?

[276] The universe was looking out for me in that way.

[277] I don't know how there was no odor clues or drippage anywhere.

[278] But when you realize it's on your torso, you're like, dress is gone.

[279] I need a shower.

[280] Uh -oh.

[281] I'm naked now.

[282] As there.

[283] Is there any evidence of this outside of the bathroom?

[284] There's no evidence outside of the bathroom.

[285] It's just all over my body.

[286] And I'm naked in this shared boys bathroom.

[287] I don't have my phone to call for my boyfriend for backup.

[288] It's a dress.

[289] So it's just one piece.

[290] It was dressed in a pair of underwear.

[291] Both are completely soiled.

[292] Yeah, yeah.

[293] There is no towels because it's a boy's bathroom.

[294] Oh, no. These fucking boys.

[295] I hate boys.

[296] Me too.

[297] I was at my bathroom.

[298] I would have had a towel.

[299] Yeah.

[300] Maybe some nice soaps and stuff.

[301] No. So I have to clean myself using toilet paper and soap to the best of my ability.

[302] And then I realize I have to get from this bathroom that all the boys share to my boyfriend's bedroom.

[303] And I don't have my phone.

[304] I can't call him to tell me, hey, you know, I need a sweatshirt.

[305] You need to come here.

[306] I try calling out no one can hear me I am alone in this bathroom with my poop clothes Oh my goodness So I do what I think is the best move And I say I have to fucking book it Like I have to get out of here I need to get to safety I remember just peering out into the hallway Hoping that no one would be there And just sprinting it But naked to my boyfriend's bedroom I'm holding my poop clothes He got happy See, he thinks I'm greeting him, but it's for a different reason, I'm sure.

[307] And then I have to tell him why I'm standing there with no clothes and soiled clothes.

[308] And I had to borrow his clothes.

[309] I have a photo.

[310] I want to show you guys of myself and his clothes.

[311] Nothing gross.

[312] Don't worry.

[313] Oh, this is so sweet.

[314] It's really sweet.

[315] Some boy shorts and oversized tea.

[316] Also, that's so intimate.

[317] That's, like, sweet.

[318] I find this romantic.

[319] Yeah, what was his reaction?

[320] Just immediately nurturing or, like, come on, man. I live with all these dudes.

[321] Shock at first.

[322] But we had been together for a year and a half at that point.

[323] And these stomach, like, it's just a part of me now.

[324] And luckily, we're still together.

[325] We've been together for four and a half years.

[326] Oh, my God.

[327] You know you got a winner if they can handle you shitting your pants on a date and your constant IBS and laugh with you, not completely at you.

[328] You had shit your pants for like two hours all date long.

[329] I can't remember if I'm allowed to tell the story or not, but just quickly, Chris and I were together for three months only, and we went to do a movie together, and we were living and sharing an apartment, and we both got horrendous flu slash food poisoning.

[330] I heard a call from the bathroom, help!

[331] And I went in there because she was throwing up, and then all of a sudden she was going in the tub, okay?

[332] And it was just...

[333] She talks about this.

[334] Yeah, yeah.

[335] It was just two X, not inputs, but outputs.

[336] Sure.

[337] And I was like, here we are, man. Let's roll up our sleeves.

[338] This is real.

[339] True love.

[340] It is.

[341] It's really nice.

[342] I almost wore the dress.

[343] Oh, it was salvageable.

[344] It was salvable.

[345] I've worn it a few times since.

[346] I was debating between that or the armchair into dangerous shirt.

[347] I went with this, but that was a contender.

[348] Wow.

[349] Both would have been great options.

[350] Oh, what a story.

[351] Haley, that was phenomenal.

[352] Yeah.

[353] Oh, did that cheer me up?

[354] Thank you.

[355] It's in that moment that the sweet.

[356] of a person's present.

[357] I mean, that's Apex vulnerable.

[358] You have no clothes.

[359] You're naked.

[360] You've shit yourself.

[361] You're purest form.

[362] That's vulnerability.

[363] So nice to meet you.

[364] Yeah, thanks for sharing.

[365] I have a roll through town again and put on another show.

[366] Yes, I'll be there.

[367] Thank you guys so much for listening and for having me. And I just want to tell you guys, I'm in grad school to become a therapist and I have you guys to thank because your episode with Lori Gottlieb about her book, maybe you should talk to someone.

[368] That was 2019 also.

[369] So I listened to that, and that's what really sparked me to join that career field.

[370] And I fell in love with that book and her.

[371] And here I am now in school training for it.

[372] Oh, my gosh.

[373] We love it.

[374] All right.

[375] Well, Haley, so nice meeting you, and I hope we bump into you in real life.

[376] And you are so safe with me. You ever poop yourself.

[377] You tap me on the show and you go, fucking fix all this.

[378] And I'm like, I'm your Huckleberry.

[379] Okay?

[380] Perfect.

[381] Those are the kind of friends I need.

[382] All right.

[383] Take care.

[384] Bye, you guys.

[385] Hello.

[386] Eller.

[387] Hi.

[388] Are you Jessica?

[389] Yes.

[390] You can call me Jess?

[391] Now, can we call you Jess when we're interviewing you?

[392] Yes, you can.

[393] Jess, you can.

[394] Nice.

[395] I love the curls in your hair.

[396] Your hair is beautiful.

[397] Oh, thank you.

[398] Oh, that's so nice.

[399] Yeah, it took me a while to embrace it.

[400] I used to hide the curls when I was younger.

[401] Wait a minute.

[402] Is this all natural?

[403] It is.

[404] Yeah.

[405] I just shower.

[406] These are spirals.

[407] Yeah, they're really nice.

[408] They're tendrils.

[409] Well, it's natural, but the blonde isn't natural.

[410] Okay, we don't care about that.

[411] We're right now fascinated with the twirls and curls.

[412] And where in the world are you?

[413] I'm actually in Prague right now.

[414] Get the fuck out.

[415] My favorite cities.

[416] Yeah, it's really cool here.

[417] And you've crossed that beautiful bridge and you've gone up to that weird castle on the hill.

[418] Have you done all that stuff?

[419] Did that all today.

[420] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[421] So fun.

[422] The prices, I think, are much different.

[423] than when I was there in 2000.

[424] Can you still get like an enormous Polish sausage on the street for 75 cents?

[425] I don't know about 75 cents.

[426] A glass of wine was like four bucks.

[427] Yeah, I mean better than New York and L .A., but not what?

[428] A lot better.

[429] Oh, I don't even know.

[430] What is a glass of wine?

[431] 8, 10, 12?

[432] No. I would say like 14, 15.

[433] So yeah, $4.

[434] That's a fucking bargain.

[435] That's 30 cents on the dollar.

[436] I know.

[437] You had a little oopsies and it was on a date, which is the greatest place one.

[438] going to have an oopsie.

[439] So will you please tell us just what happened?

[440] Okay.

[441] I sure will.

[442] So it wasn't technically on a date, but it was involving someone I was dating.

[443] We got engaged last week.

[444] So we're dating for life now.

[445] Congratulations.

[446] Yes.

[447] I don't know if that's a spoiler that he did stick around after this, but going back to October of 2017.

[448] Coming up on the anniversary.

[449] Oh my God.

[450] We should celebrate.

[451] My boyfriend and I had been dating a little bit over a year.

[452] year at this point.

[453] But we were long distance.

[454] So I had recently moved to New York.

[455] He was in North Carolina.

[456] We only saw each other probably a handful of times.

[457] And then on top of that, I'd only met his family a handful of times, maybe once or twice.

[458] The stakes are rising.

[459] Yes, exactly.

[460] It's like a pivotal time.

[461] That's like first impression time.

[462] So this one weekend, we're all in New Jersey.

[463] He's from Jersey because it's his grandma's 80th birthday and they were throwing her surprise party.

[464] It was great.

[465] She loved it.

[466] So then the following morning, after the the party, we're all hanging out at his parents' house.

[467] So it's his parents, us, his two brothers, and then grandma were, like, all a little hungover in the living room, hanging out watching a movie.

[468] And then I was like, I got to go to the bathroom.

[469] Like, had some dads, you know, day after drinking shifts.

[470] Dads.

[471] Do you say that, Monica?

[472] I've never heard that.

[473] I love that.

[474] You never heard of the dads?

[475] No. That's wonderful.

[476] It'd be cool to name a punk band The Dads and people would be confused.

[477] Yeah, so I felt the Dad's coming on strong.

[478] So I excused myself in the living room and went to the bathroom on that floor.

[479] So it was like through the kitchen to the left.

[480] In retrospect, shouldn't have gone to the bathroom on that floor.

[481] It's like small half bath.

[482] The toilet bowl is one of those older bowls where the bowl is perfectly round.

[483] It's not like one of the nice like oval colors that like you know has like a powerful flush.

[484] Trusted, yeah.

[485] So I go to the bathroom.

[486] I go to flush and it's not going down.

[487] And I'm like, okay, that's fine.

[488] I've clogged toilets before.

[489] I'm not going to panic right away.

[490] Can we in a G -rated fashion?

[491] I know what you want to ask.

[492] I want to just get a sense of the consistency.

[493] I guess I'm wondering, is there an enormous log in there, or is there a bucket of mush?

[494] There's a log.

[495] It was solid.

[496] And that's the problem.

[497] Yeah.

[498] If it was liquidy, we wouldn't have had a problem.

[499] We wouldn't be having this conversation.

[500] So I'm like, all right, let's give it a round to second flush.

[501] So I go for the second flush and still nothing And the water level is rising Poop is rising with it There have been so many times in my life When I was a kid, my dad would be like If the water's ever rising You lift off the thing off the back of the toilet You take the chain and I have no idea So I was really regretting not having listened to him When he explained how that worked all those times I'm like, all right, I need to get my boyfriend So I keep my head out and like trying to hide panic I was like, Chris, can you?

[502] you come here for a second into the living room and the older brother goes would you clog the toilet or something oh i hate him by the way i was just reminded we're in jersey yeah would you clog the toilet it's funny he doesn't even sound like that so i panic and didn't say anything obviously i wasn't going to be like in fact yes did it cross your mind to go like no fucker i need a tampon oh that would have been oh that would be good what have he brought one so you guys aren't addicts.

[503] You don't think the way an addict thinks.

[504] It's like, always have six or seven to burn.

[505] Lies.

[506] Yeah.

[507] I guess I could have denied it.

[508] I could have been like, no. But then I was like, I mean, he might find out.

[509] So Chris comes in and he gets a plunger.

[510] It's not working.

[511] It's not helping.

[512] And water is rapidly rising, like, scarily close to the top.

[513] And he's like, I need to tell my dad.

[514] Oh, no. No, he doesn't.

[515] Oh, no. I hope he at least blamed the poop on himself.

[516] They all knew I was in there.

[517] Monica, they knew.

[518] And I was like, please, no, you don't.

[519] And he's like, look.

[520] And water is starting to spike in.

[521] Oh, my God.

[522] This is so upsetting.

[523] The bathroom is starting to flood.

[524] And he's like, I need to get my dad.

[525] Oh, gosh.

[526] I'm like, fuck, bye.

[527] So he gets his dad and his dad comes in.

[528] And at this point, there is spillage over water in all over the entire floor and my poops floating around.

[529] Okay, so the log was buoyant enough that it came out of the bowl in this process.

[530] Oh, we got to fish out of water.

[531] Did you ever think I got to collect these and put them in the trash can't?

[532] Like, I would at least collect the pieces.

[533] My thought process at that time was like I couldn't even, I felt like I needed to hide.

[534] I don't even want to see his dad's reaction to this.

[535] I unfortunately did, but his dad was very stressed.

[536] And he's like, let's get a mop.

[537] Now it's a family.

[538] Let's get six, seven more people involved.

[539] I mean, someone on a mop.

[540] It's a family fair.

[541] Someone called Rotor.

[542] Someone turn off the water main?

[543] Well, he managed to do that somehow.

[544] We don't know.

[545] We don't know how to do that.

[546] PSA really quick to everybody.

[547] Behind every single toilet on the planet are two little knobs.

[548] I'm sorry, one little knob.

[549] And that is the water into the toilet.

[550] So there is just a normal knob on the ground behind the toilet.

[551] You turn it to the right, righty -tidy.

[552] Water goes off.

[553] Oh, wow.

[554] This is great to know.

[555] Could he use that five years ago.

[556] I don't want to masculate your future husband.

[557] I'm still really congratulations around.

[558] I just want you to know, Jess, if you were my woman, I would have reached in that bowl like it was a fucking python, and I would have grabbed it around the neck, and I would have dealt with it.

[559] Oh, my God, Monica's injured herself.

[560] Oh, my God, what happened to you?

[561] My mirror neurons are freaking out.

[562] I'm freaked out.

[563] I would have never put you in a position where the whole family got involved.

[564] Oh, my God.

[565] I'm going to tell him that.

[566] If he really loved me, he would have grabbed that poop with his bare hands.

[567] This is a big.

[568] Red flag.

[569] No, don't do that.

[570] There had to be a trash can in the room.

[571] Oh, I'd have fucking got that python down there.

[572] Anyway, we were totally off course.

[573] Okay, so the dad is freaking out.

[574] So the dad's in there.

[575] We have a mop.

[576] I didn't even see Chris do this, but apparently they took, like, old beach towels and kind of like a taco, like tortilla up the poop.

[577] I couldn't even be there to see because I was so mortified.

[578] I don't even know what I was doing.

[579] That is so.

[580] rough.

[581] Like, we're having a good time right now.

[582] We're laughing.

[583] But the whole family was dealing with your poop on the ground.

[584] I know.

[585] That is rough.

[586] God, it wasn't liquidy.

[587] Because then it just would have been the whole, I mean.

[588] That's where the mop would come in.

[589] Oh.

[590] Wow.

[591] Okay.

[592] Okay.

[593] So, you are now, what, up in a bedroom?

[594] Because you also don't want to look lazy like you cause this problem.

[595] And now you're like, all right, guys, good luck.

[596] But at the same time, you've got to get the fuck out of there.

[597] Also, I don't want to get in their way.

[598] They're cleaning.

[599] I don't want to, like, in their fear.

[600] So things finally settle down.

[601] Things are cleaned up.

[602] Water is gone.

[603] Poop's gone.

[604] And I'm like, okay, this was the worst thing that's ever happened to me. Let's just recover.

[605] Then a little while later, someone like goes downstairs into the basement to get something and discovers that half of the basement's flooded because all of the water that spilled over the toilet leaped down to the basement.

[606] Oh my goodness.

[607] Then the whole day turns into like clearing out of basement.

[608] So it's like a brigade of everyone in the family and like these Christmas decorations are destroyed, throw out.

[609] These photographs are destroyed.

[610] No, I've got to get rid of them.

[611] A water remediation project.

[612] Oh, my God.

[613] You might as well have burned down that whole house.

[614] I know, right?

[615] Wow.

[616] Wow, man. His poor grandmother's birthday again turned into just clogging the toilet, overflowing it, flooding the basement, destroying personal property.

[617] His mom was so sweet.

[618] She's like, no, this is great.

[619] Like, I've been telling Ron, like her husband, like we need to clean out the basement for a while now.

[620] Such a mom thing to say.

[621] I know.

[622] I mean, really, we owe you a thank you.

[623] We probably would have put that off for another six, seven months.

[624] I've been trying to get John to clean that basement.

[625] It was a house fire waiting to happen before you fucked up our plumbing.

[626] You saved our lives.

[627] Yeah, very sweet.

[628] Oh, Jess.

[629] So that's what happened.

[630] And you know what?

[631] it was mortifying.

[632] Luckily, I am someone who's, like, very comfortable with poop.

[633] It doesn't really bother me that much.

[634] I'm with you.

[635] That's a very early conversation, which is just I'm not going to be hiding any of this.

[636] I can't live that way.

[637] I can't live with someone who's hiding it from me. Let's all be comfy.

[638] Yeah, I agree.

[639] I don't know how couples hold in their farts.

[640] It's like the first thing I do when I get into bed, I'd just, like, let one rip.

[641] Let it go.

[642] Let it go.

[643] I love this.

[644] Well, I know we have several different friends who have never seen their wives far.

[645] I worry about those wives lower GI.

[646] Yeah, their intestinal system, yeah.

[647] Yeah, do they not fart?

[648] All humans do fart.

[649] Monica doesn't fart in front of us, unfortunately.

[650] I don't want to.

[651] Also, I don't have to.

[652] I mean, I do fart.

[653] It's not like I'm, like, trying very hard all the time to not fart.

[654] I think your body gets kind of accustomed to what you do regularly.

[655] Well, that could be.

[656] I'm trying not to and I fart nonstop, right?

[657] But you aren't trying that hard not to.

[658] You're fine.

[659] I'm giving it like a five.

[660] With me?

[661] Like Ryan tries to fart in front of everyone.

[662] Right.

[663] He doesn't care.

[664] I'm actually trying not to.

[665] But there'll be a point hour three in here where I'm like, I can't make it any longer.

[666] Some of these have to come out.

[667] Are they smelly though or just loud?

[668] In general, no. They're not.

[669] They're not.

[670] Okay, Jess, this was so fun.

[671] Thank you for chatting.

[672] Yeah, what a great story.

[673] It was so great talking to you both.

[674] We had so much fun meeting you.

[675] And I hope you have a spectacular.

[676] time in Prague.

[677] And I challenge you to try to spend $40 tonight.

[678] Oh.

[679] Maybe I'll go out.

[680] I was planning on going to bed, but it's already like 10, 15 here.

[681] Oh, plenty of time.

[682] You could get at least $16 of wine in you.

[683] We'll get you another shit story.

[684] Another issue.

[685] Yeah, I'm not trying to clog the toilet at this Airbnb.

[686] I was going to say, you're dealing with some pre -war.

[687] Yes, exactly.

[688] So nice to meet you.

[689] Beautiful ringlets.

[690] Great story.

[691] Congratulations.

[692] your engagement.

[693] Oh, thank you so much.

[694] All right.

[695] What's up, guys?

[696] This your girl Kiki, and my podcast is back with a new season.

[697] And let me tell you, it's too good.

[698] And I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest.

[699] Okay, every episode I bring on a friend and have a real conversation.

[700] And I don't mean just friends.

[701] I mean the likes of Amy Polar, Kell Mitchell, Vivica Fox.

[702] The list goes on.

[703] So follow, watch, and listen to Baby.

[704] This is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcast.

[705] guess.

[706] We've all been there.

[707] Turning to the internet to self -diagnose our inexplicable pains, debilitating body aches, sudden fevers, and strange rashes.

[708] Though our minds tend to spiral to worst -case scenarios, it's usually nothing, but for an unlucky few, these unsuspecting symptoms can start the clock ticking on a terrifying medical mystery.

[709] Like the unexplainable death of a retired firefighter, whose body was found at home by his son, except it looked like he had been cremated.

[710] or the time when an entire town started jumping from buildings and seeing tigers on their ceilings.

[711] Hey listeners, it's Mr. Ballin here, and I'm here to tell you about my podcast.

[712] It's called Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries.

[713] Each terrifying true story will be sure to keep you up at night.

[714] Follow Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries wherever you get your podcasts.

[715] Prime members can listen early and add free on Amazon Music.

[716] Well, this is pretty cool.

[717] Dude, I thought fucking Charlie was on the screen.

[718] You do have a Charlie -esque.

[719] Whoa.

[720] Look, you do.

[721] To be confused for a perfect 10 Charlie, that's every man's dream.

[722] It's very rare.

[723] You know, I got to say, Dax, my girlfriend was really hoping you'd complicate my physique.

[724] I didn't even get my name out or yours before that happened.

[725] So, congrats, Mitchell.

[726] I see the trapezias are tight.

[727] The neck is girthy.

[728] Everything is nice.

[729] Everything's really nice.

[730] So, Mitchell, what happened?

[731] Not only was this on a date, this was the first date.

[732] Okay, we love this.

[733] I met this girl on a dating.

[734] I hadn't met her in person before.

[735] So we go meet out for a happy hour.

[736] Sparks are flying.

[737] Things are going real well.

[738] Drinks are flowing.

[739] Happy hour turns into dinner and some more drinks.

[740] Dinner and drinks turns into some bar hopping after.

[741] And then bar hopping turns into me spending the night at her place that night.

[742] Okay.

[743] What a date.

[744] Highly successful.

[745] Wake up early in the morning.

[746] She's still asleep.

[747] You know, I've been drinking all night.

[748] So I've got the bubble guts.

[749] Okay.

[750] And it sounds like you ate, too.

[751] Where did you guys eat?

[752] Well, I was living in California at the time.

[753] So this was good Mexican food.

[754] We've already heard two different names for the poop you have to take the next day after you've drank a lot.

[755] We heard one called the dads.

[756] Oh, day after drinking.

[757] We call it the beer shit.

[758] Sure.

[759] That's what we did, too.

[760] So I wake up early and I know I've got a torpedo.

[761] in the loading bail.

[762] It needs to come out.

[763] But I had such great time and I really like this girl.

[764] There's no way I'm going in her house.

[765] I can't use her bathroom because I know it's going to be loud and it's going to smell.

[766] She's going to tell all her friends about it.

[767] I'm never going to hear from her again.

[768] I go to get all my clothes on, get my things.

[769] She's still asleep and I'm walking out of her bedroom door when I hear her from behind me say, where do you think you're going?

[770] There's two interpretations of this.

[771] One is how dare you just walk out without saying goodbye.

[772] That sounded sexy the way people said it.

[773] Two is we're fucking again.

[774] You're exactly right.

[775] I oblige and I return.

[776] You are already getting up because you're like this thing's eminent.

[777] I'm probably five minutes from a bathroom.

[778] That's a specific physiological state.

[779] Okay.

[780] So round two's over and now it's like DefCon 5.

[781] You're out of time.

[782] But the problem is now she's awake.

[783] We're doing the awkward morning after the one -night stand, like I'm not trying to make it seem like I need to run out the door.

[784] It's just getting worse and worse and worse.

[785] And I'm thinking, you know, where's the nearest Starbucks?

[786] I'm just running through the map in my head.

[787] So she walks me out the back door and I kind of have to give you like a way out of her house.

[788] She lived on a raised foundation.

[789] Her front and back porch were elevated, especially the back porch.

[790] You could see over her fence and I was parked in her back garage area.

[791] So she walks me out the back porch.

[792] She can see over the fence to my car.

[793] I get to my car.

[794] It's bad, bad, bad at this point.

[795] There comes a point where you can't hold it anymore and it's just like this moment of acceptance and just calm.

[796] So I'm sitting in my car waving goodbye to her and I'm just full on evacuating.

[797] Wow.

[798] Wow.

[799] Wow.

[800] Oh, wow.

[801] Just in the car.

[802] Oh, and you're smiling and waving.

[803] Smiling and waving and dealing with everything else in my pants at the same time.

[804] That's great.

[805] Luckily, I didn't live too far away.

[806] So I go home, get in the backyard.

[807] Everything's off and in the trash, hose down.

[808] Okay, wow.

[809] Okay, great.

[810] Deal with that whole situation.

[811] That weekend, I was going off for like a weekend.

[812] with all my college buddies, and so I pick up one of my buddies from the airport, and we're driving back to where we went to college, and I'm, like, cracking up, like, you can't even believe what happened to me this morning, like, this whole story.

[813] And the guys, the whole weekend are like, you have to let us call her and tell her, like, please, please, we have to tell her.

[814] I'm like, no, no. Hold on a second.

[815] What a bizarre instinct from your brother.

[816] We have to ruin any potential future for you guys.

[817] I convinced them not to call her, But we strike a deal that when I marry said girl, they're allowed to tell her.

[818] We ended up dating for three years.

[819] We're no longer together.

[820] And I did tell her, I think, maybe like a year in.

[821] And she kind of just felt bad for me. So there you go.

[822] I poop my pants for love.

[823] I'm certain you have seared into your memory, her waving from the porch.

[824] Oh, yes.

[825] But I do wonder if she has seared into her memory because she doesn't know you're shitting your pants.

[826] It's an innocuous exchange if you deduct that part of it.

[827] Like, did she even remember that moment?

[828] I don't think she really did.

[829] She just felt bad that I felt like I couldn't use the bathroom in the moment.

[830] Oh, that's great.

[831] Well, just smiling and waving.

[832] Well, Mitch's smile is so innocent and cute.

[833] It is.

[834] If you rolled on your own and said, I just, I totally just shit my pants.

[835] I guarantee she would have loved it.

[836] Anyways, he's got an air weekly thing.

[837] Sure.

[838] Like, gets away with murder because his smile is cute.

[839] Well, what a wonderful story, Mitchell.

[840] Thank you for telling us that.

[841] Thanks, guys.

[842] Bye, Monica, my dad.

[843] All right, take care.

[844] Hello.

[845] Hey, guys.

[846] Hey, Daxe, hey, Monica.

[847] How are you?

[848] Are we allowed to call you by your real name?

[849] You are absolutely allowed to call me by my real name.

[850] It's Lee.

[851] I don't know if you got that.

[852] You know what?

[853] I only did because I have a friend whose wife was named Lee.

[854] She hasn't passed, but he's no longer his wife.

[855] And in fact, Rob, if I can throw you under the bus.

[856] He thought it was Leah, but I looked at it and I was like, nope, I've seen this before.

[857] This is Lee.

[858] Yep, yep.

[859] I get lay.

[860] I get Leah.

[861] I get lots of different things.

[862] So, good job.

[863] This is really exciting.

[864] To poop on a date is the worst place.

[865] One can have an accident.

[866] Definitely the worst.

[867] Dive right in.

[868] Yeah, please tell us where and when this happened to you.

[869] All right.

[870] So this happened summer before my senior year of high school.

[871] So 11, 12 years ago at this point, but it's seared into my brain.

[872] Of course.

[873] So I am.

[874] at a summer camp and as summer camps go, you meet some guys, you maybe have a little camp crush, a little summer fleeing.

[875] Can I ask, did the camp have a theme?

[876] Was it a musical camp?

[877] Nope.

[878] It was just like a summer sportsy camp.

[879] Like we did the blob and different activities.

[880] Oh, fun.

[881] Oh, the blog.

[882] Okay.

[883] So meet this guy.

[884] I come to find out that he is from actually a small town 40 minutes outside of the larger city that I grew up in.

[885] So I was kind of hoping that maybe we would keep in touch a little bit after camp ended.

[886] Camp ends, go home.

[887] I get a call from him about a week later.

[888] Hey, we do want to go on a date.

[889] Of course, I'm thrilled.

[890] Looking back, I'm like, how did this 17 -year -old boy have it together enough to call and, you know, just have someone?

[891] Did you guys smooch at the camp?

[892] We did not.

[893] So the camp had a strict no purpling policy.

[894] So blue and pink could not mix in any way.

[895] Oh, wow.

[896] of purpling.

[897] That's really more pervy than they intended because that means you've mixed colors.

[898] Oh, my God.

[899] Yeah.

[900] They were like, oh, this will be innocent.

[901] We'll call it no purpling.

[902] What?

[903] Exactly.

[904] Yeah.

[905] So nothing happened at camp, but for the date, we had decided that I would drive out to his small town, leave my car.

[906] He would drive for the date.

[907] And then I would drive home.

[908] So I'm essentially stranded in the small town.

[909] So I get out there.

[910] We go to dinner, all as well.

[911] Where'd you go?

[912] Did you go to a chain restaurant?

[913] I love.

[914] I love high school stuff.

[915] Do you remember?

[916] It was a Chili's.

[917] Yes.

[918] So innocent and sweet.

[919] And you feel so grown up.

[920] Yeah, the chicken crisper's.

[921] So, yeah, we finish at Chili's.

[922] We get in the car.

[923] He tells me he wants to take me to go have some ice cream.

[924] And I'm thrilled.

[925] Love ice cream.

[926] Not lactose intolerant.

[927] I eat ice cream a lot.

[928] And I'm also thinking, oh, this must be some cute little mom -and -pop shop in his small town.

[929] parlor, if you will.

[930] We pull up five minutes later to, I won't name it.

[931] You go to an unnamed ice cream place where they combine toppings on a cold slab of marble also a chain.

[932] Exactly.

[933] Also found in many states.

[934] Also not Baskin Robbins.

[935] Right, right.

[936] So my heart immediately sinks when I see this sign of this unnamed place because I have probably been there a handful of times.

[937] I mean, it's a chain.

[938] It's in my town every time without fail, explosive diarrhea.

[939] No. And I know this.

[940] This was a thing before the day.

[941] Like my friends and I'd be like, oh, can't take leave there.

[942] Bad things are going to happen after.

[943] Right.

[944] When he said, I want to go get ice cream, did you already declare, oh, my God, I'd love to have it.

[945] Like, I'm in so in the mood.

[946] You're, okay, you've already committed that you want to eat ice cream.

[947] Okay, okay.

[948] I love ice cream as my favorite food.

[949] I can go crazy when I have ice cream.

[950] Exactly.

[951] And that's actually the purpose.

[952] perfect question because then I go in and to hopefully avoid issues, I order a single scoop of vanilla ice cream.

[953] And this guy's probably like, what a lame person.

[954] She said she loves ice cream.

[955] She's getting a single vanilla scoop.

[956] Anyways, we consume the ice cream.

[957] It's fun.

[958] We're having a great time.

[959] And I'm thinking, okay, we will go back to his house.

[960] I will get in my car and I will leave.

[961] I can find a gas station if I need to.

[962] It's fine.

[963] Oh, this is so stressful.

[964] It's like a horror movie.

[965] Like, basically, like, they saw Jason and he's walking towards them.

[966] They know they have 20 minutes before you're right.

[967] It's ticking time off.

[968] So the car is like a 19908 Jeep Wrangler.

[969] The shock absorbers in this thing are just non -existent.

[970] Oh.

[971] I am rattling around.

[972] You're getting jostled.

[973] You're getting thrown.

[974] And without telling me, he's taking, you know, the long way home.

[975] He's showing me his high school football field.

[976] Daniels Elementary School, like the cute things, right?

[977] Yeah, yeah.

[978] Well, not when you have to shit your pants.

[979] It's not cute.

[980] Not cute.

[981] When you're in that much pain, you're just lowering your standards.

[982] So I'm first like, can't fart in the car.

[983] But then I'm like, okay, well, maybe I could fart in the car, but I just can't let him hear it.

[984] Yeah.

[985] Are the windows down?

[986] Windows are not down at this point.

[987] Oh, do, okay.

[988] So it's a little bit high risk.

[989] Okay.

[990] I distinctly remember letting one rip and getting the crank.

[991] window handle.

[992] So there's some smell and then you're cracking the window.

[993] God bless you.

[994] And you're 17.

[995] I'm 17.

[996] She doesn't want to cry.

[997] Yeah, it's too much for you to handle.

[998] I liked this guy too.

[999] Oh, camp crush.

[1000] Yes.

[1001] So finally get back to the house.

[1002] Again, I'm thinking, I can make a break for this.

[1003] It's like I'm good.

[1004] He looks at me with these puppy dog eyes and says that he would love to show me this tree house that him and his father built.

[1005] Together.

[1006] Is his father dead?

[1007] Monica, yes.

[1008] Oh, no. Oh, my God.

[1009] So he's saying, like, this was one of my favorite memories of me and my father.

[1010] You have to see this.

[1011] I'm also a little skeptical.

[1012] I'm like, you just want to make out in a tree house.

[1013] Right, sure.

[1014] Like, you're a 17 -year -old boy.

[1015] Well, he's so horny.

[1016] He's like fucking smells in here.

[1017] I'm not deterred.

[1018] Step right over that.

[1019] We make our way.

[1020] probably 40 yards, not super far, but also not short, you know, to this treehouse.

[1021] I look at it and I'm like, okay, eyeballs on the treehouse.

[1022] Great.

[1023] I see it.

[1024] Thank you.

[1025] Goodbye.

[1026] But to my disappointment, he shimmies up.

[1027] He's sitting up in the tree house now, beckoning me to join him.

[1028] Oh, my gosh.

[1029] You're going to have to climb a ladder in this state?

[1030] Have to climb a ladder.

[1031] Yes.

[1032] No, no, no, no. But also, how does your 17 -year -old self when looking up at your crush in a tree house say, I know.

[1033] It's out of a movie.

[1034] I shimmy up.

[1035] It's truly like an Olympic sport at this point, like moving your legs and clenching the butt cheeks all that was.

[1036] Yes.

[1037] Wait, what are you wearing?

[1038] So I'm wearing jean shorts and just like a v -neck tee.

[1039] So not a lot of support.

[1040] So we sit, we chat.

[1041] There's like an arm around the shoulder, but that's the only thing I remember because I'm blacking out at this point.

[1042] I'm truly like being rendered speechless by the pain in my gut.

[1043] We make it to the point where I'm like, the date's over.

[1044] There's no decorum anymore.

[1045] There's no, like, I like you.

[1046] It's, I'm leaving.

[1047] So I get down from this tree.

[1048] I have 40 yards to make it to my car.

[1049] He's behind me, mind you.

[1050] I'm like, I'm walking without him.

[1051] Get out of there right now.

[1052] At that moment, me making a beeline, he and I guess a last ditch attempt to be romantic, grabs my hand, spins me around, no. Kisses me. And I release it all.

[1053] No. So here I am in a lip lock with this man with boobs streaming down.

[1054] Luckily, I don't think it made any noise, but it's down my leg.

[1055] Like, I all feel the liquid.

[1056] Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.

[1057] There's no way around.

[1058] Oh, my God.

[1059] This is where the rubber meets the rose.

[1060] The only thing that you can do is burst into tears.

[1061] Did you start crying?

[1062] I'm crying.

[1063] Oh.

[1064] I'm also kind of laughing.

[1065] Like, it's every emotion in the book.

[1066] Yes.

[1067] And your first kiss with the guy?

[1068] What did he say?

[1069] I honestly don't know if he said anything because mid -cry, poop, in the kiss, I just turn around and I run.

[1070] Okay.

[1071] Sprinting to this car.

[1072] I hop in my little forerunner at the time.

[1073] And you just high -tailed it out of there.

[1074] I literally leave.

[1075] And we haven't spoken about it since.

[1076] Did you ever speak to him, period?

[1077] We ran into each other five years later at a concert.

[1078] but that was it.

[1079] We literally did not speak to each other after.

[1080] Oh, my God.

[1081] Oh, this is a sad story.

[1082] But this is a character builder.

[1083] Yeah.

[1084] Lee, this is a character builder.

[1085] Like, honestly, that happens to you going into 12th grade and you're like, you know, I'm still alive.

[1086] I can probably handle anything life throws at me. I've done the worst possible thing.

[1087] I can go to college and live it up now.

[1088] Yeah, I can do anything because I somehow survived.

[1089] thank fucking God he didn't go to your school.

[1090] Oh my gosh, right?

[1091] I mean, that right there is like the silver line, even as you were driving away from the town and you're like mortified, you must have also been like, thank God I'm driving away from a town.

[1092] I never have to come back here.

[1093] Literally like leave it in the dust.

[1094] Never have to go back.

[1095] Never look back.

[1096] Phelma and Louise.

[1097] Oh, that was amazing.

[1098] I would have said, Lee, this is okay.

[1099] This is so fine.

[1100] You would have come.

[1101] comforted me, your 17 -year -old self.

[1102] I would have, I would have been like, let's get a hose on you.

[1103] But you're rare.

[1104] I do think you run a risk with boys at that age of them being, like, mean or telling their friends or...

[1105] Well, they're going to tell their friends.

[1106] Just like you girls would tell your friends if a guy in cut off jeans, short shit in his cowboy boots while you were kissing.

[1107] Everyone's going to tell everyone.

[1108] I don't think this is unique to boys or girls.

[1109] Well, and thank goodness it was like before social media and everything.

[1110] Instagram was not a thing.

[1111] So he was truly out of my life.

[1112] And he wasn't a bad guy.

[1113] You already liked him.

[1114] So it's like even if he told his buddies, which he did, he wouldn't have gone on Instagram or anything and like outed you publicly.

[1115] But he could have texted her and been like, hey, that was fine.

[1116] Let's just make the best argument we can for him.

[1117] Most generous we could be.

[1118] I might think, man, it'd be best if she just never had to acknowledge it.

[1119] Maybe I'm letting her convince herself that I didn't notice.

[1120] Maybe it's best just not ever talked about again.

[1121] Right.

[1122] Like this is gracious.

[1123] me to just let it slip under the rug slip right down the leg into the shoe well Lee that was wonderful it was also like romantic even though it was heartbreaking and mortifying it was also romantic yeah the spin and the kiss I mean without the diarrhea it would have been maybe the beginning of a great love story you know what it did make me think of is let's say you hadn't evacuated in front of him and you had successfully just ran out of his yard he'd have to assume he just didn't like Like there's no way, and it makes you wonder how many situations you've been in your life where someone just kind of shut you down abruptly.

[1124] You never would think like, you know, I bet they're about to shut their pants.

[1125] You would never think that.

[1126] You know what?

[1127] I bet she was just about to shit her pants.

[1128] It had nothing to do with me. We should just tell ourselves that.

[1129] All of our rejections in the past, it was due to, unbeknownst to us, a shitting of the pants.

[1130] When you've seen someone on the street that's kind of attractive and you smile at them and they give you nothing back, they might be like clinching.

[1131] in that moment.

[1132] We'll give ourselves all that benefit of the doubt.

[1133] Lee, that was beautiful.

[1134] I really appreciate it.

[1135] Thank you.

[1136] Thank you for letting me tell my favorite story to lots of people.

[1137] Now, I remember had anyone poop on me?

[1138] But I had your kids.

[1139] Right.

[1140] I mean, like, a romantic partner.

[1141] But I did have a girl.

[1142] I was at her house.

[1143] We were making out and she had her pants off and she was on top of me. And everything was like wonderful.

[1144] And she sat up abruptly.

[1145] And then she sat herself down really quick on the bed and then a loud fart.

[1146] So I think she, like, knew it was coming and then decided like, muffle it.

[1147] I was like, immediately, that's so fine.

[1148] But even in telling her I didn't give a shit, it was hard for her.

[1149] Of course.

[1150] She couldn't, like, get over it.

[1151] Like, I really didn't care.

[1152] Yeah.

[1153] It takes a lot to overcome that.

[1154] Yes.

[1155] And if I had farted in that manner in a romantic situation, the girl was like, it's fine.

[1156] It's totally fine.

[1157] I still wouldn't think it was fine.

[1158] Yeah.

[1159] But it was fine.

[1160] It's cute.

[1161] She jumped up like a dog.

[1162] Like, you know, the dogs rubbed their butt on the?

[1163] No, don't want me to call her a dog.

[1164] No, but just there was something primal about the fact that it was like, oh, I got to muffle this thing.

[1165] There is something kind of exciting.

[1166] It's just like everything's getting loose.

[1167] Oh, my God.

[1168] All right.

[1169] Well, this was great.

[1170] Thank you so much.

[1171] This was so fun.

[1172] Thank you, guys.

[1173] It was great to talk to y 'all.

[1174] Nice meeting you.

[1175] Bye.

[1176] So she didn't poop.

[1177] No, is this a fart?

[1178] Yeah.

[1179] It didn't smell.

[1180] Oh, wow.

[1181] Because she muffled it?

[1182] Well, some foul.

[1183] Well, but very little foul.

[1184] Maybe harm, but no foul.

[1185] Man, that one was really nice.

[1186] Oh, she's because 17.

[1187] 17's so young and innocent.

[1188] The whole thing took on an unexpected vibe for me. This topic.

[1189] Oh, okay.

[1190] They were all cute these stories.

[1191] The workplace ones were just like horrific.

[1192] They scared the fuck out of me, you know?

[1193] These ones were really kind of cute and endearing.

[1194] To me, they were romantic.

[1195] I agree.

[1196] Min is this one at the end because that one was sad because she cried and stuff.

[1197] But the others made me feel like, oh, like I want that.

[1198] And then implicit in the fact that the person cares so much is that they like someone so much.

[1199] Yeah, there was something really sweet about all these.

[1200] This one might be the first one I don't give a mean disclaimer.

[1201] Yeah, I don't.

[1202] I don't try to convince people not to listen.

[1203] Oh, my God.

[1204] So wonderful.

[1205] Thanks for joining me on that, Monica.

[1206] I love you.

[1207] I hope you poop your pants soon and on a date.

[1208] Report back.

[1209] Do you want to sing a tune or something?

[1210] I want to sing a tune or something?

[1211] Oh.

[1212] Okay, great.

[1213] We don't have a thing song for this new show.

[1214] So here I go, go, go.

[1215] We're going to ask some random questions.

[1216] And what the hell?

[1217] Up of armchairs, we'll get some suggestions.

[1218] On the flyer rhyme dish, on the flyer rhyme dish, enjoy.

[1219] Follow armchair expert on the Wondry app, Amazon music, or wherever you get your podcasts.

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[1222] Thank you.