#382 – Bert Kreischer: Comedy, Drinking, Rogan, Segura, Churchill & Kim Jong Un

[0] The following is a conversation with Bird Kreischer, a stand -up comedian, podcast, or actor, and a man they call The Machine.

[1] I've been a fan of his comedy and podcast for many years, and I highly recommend you watch him on Birdcast, Two Bears One Cave with Tom Segura, his cooking show called Something is Burning, and finally, the new movie that tells the story of the man, the legend, the machine.

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[45] And now, dear friends, here's Bert Kreischer.

[46] I read somewhere that you like Ernest Hemingway.

[47] Love him.

[48] There's a quote, there's nothing to writing.

[49] All you do sit down at a typewriter and bleed.

[50] Do you agree with that?

[51] I agree.

[52] I agree with that with journaling.

[53] I can't write, I can't write stand -up.

[54] I can't write a bit, but if I journal, I'll find something that I go, just write.

[55] Kind of writing where the pens moving faster than your brain, and they're kind of, like, doing it together.

[56] the thing I liked about Ernest Hemingway This is so stupid I'm a little dyslexic And so I'm not a good reader And so he wrote very simply And it wasn't until after I read a bunch of Ernest Hemingway I was working at Parsons Noble And this person said, don't you love his titles?

[57] And I was like, yeah, sun also rises And they're like, yeah, but the sun also rises And I was like, yeah, sun also rises And I'm like, no, no, the sun also rises And I went, oh oh yeah that is fucking badass yeah and then i'm like always late to the party with anything and then that night we were all doing coke and uh it was like five in the morning and we ended up on the roof of my apartment in greenwich village and it's like i'm a sunset guy i grew up in florida but sunrises in new york are electric blue like electric blue and i was like the sun also rises yeah he was so good with just a handful of words yeah the simplicity the choice of words like basically his process is carving down right drunk edit sober right drunk edit sober yeah but he was good at like at like a small amount of words to to get a point across i'm the exact fucking opposite well he's also said uh the first draft of anything is always shit Is that true for you?

[58] I think so.

[59] It's the best one I have.

[60] It goes downhill from there.

[61] So for you, editing is destroying the original.

[62] The first time I tell it, the first time I tell it, it's perfect.

[63] It's perfect.

[64] It just, it works.

[65] And then I go great, and then I take it, and I try to fix it, and make it better and jazzier.

[66] I just joke and razzle -dazzle about my daughters and I drive past a deaf child's line.

[67] And I just told it on stage.

[68] It just happened.

[69] And Louis was in the audience.

[70] He was, I love that joke.

[71] I said, really?

[72] He was, yeah, and I just told it, and I went done.

[73] Louis C .K. says he likes a joke.

[74] It's fucking, it's in the special.

[75] And I tried to fucking razzle -dazzle that joke into like a 15 -minute bit.

[76] It got to the point where it was so bad that I told him, I did a podcast with him, I said, what did you like about that joke?

[77] Because I can't get it to work anymore.

[78] Because it was just simple.

[79] It was simple that your daughter didn't.

[80] know how they figure out where deaf kids lived.

[81] I know what, that's it?

[82] He's like, yeah, I was like, nothing about gun control?

[83] And he was like, huh?

[84] I was like, oh, fuck, man. I really fucked that joke up.

[85] And then I had to go back to the beginning of it.

[86] But that first time, that's when the joke comes out purists for me. And then it's always chasing back to get that first telling.

[87] Some jokes are different.

[88] Like the machine, obviously was a much longer story and like, and like, escape room for this one.

[89] The longer stories take a little work, but the simple ones, like the deaf child and pajamas and those first times are perfect.

[90] What do you think is, is it about the machine story that works that was so captivating for people?

[91] I think it's a, I think, I don't know, I really wish I don't know, I think it's a good story.

[92] I think it's a good story.

[93] I think everyone has something similar that happened in their life where they had a crazy night and that no one believed and they told their friends and they experienced that with a friend like that and and and I think I think that's got to be it I really don't know I think there's a part of I think there's a part of the like our community of comedy fans that were that early death squad that was fun to watch someone take something from the podcast and turn it into a bit on stage yeah I think there's a lot of that but I think people identify with a wild crazy night that got out of control that they've probably had to I I think I think I don't fucking know.

[94] Do you think Putin knows who you are because of that story?

[95] I hope so.

[96] I fucking hope so.

[97] I hope so.

[98] But there's a part of me that you got to understand is like, I'm not, I say stuff like that.

[99] I'm sure there's someone here and they go, who is this fucking narcissist?

[100] You're like, no, that's not it.

[101] I'm just telling you the truth.

[102] Like, I understand what I'm supposed to say.

[103] Well, you know, I don't know.

[104] I don't know.

[105] That's hard to say.

[106] But I don't fucking give a shit about that guy.

[107] I'm not that guy I'm telling you everything that comes out of my mouth the second it comes out I'm gonna be 100 % honest I don't know any other way to live I kind of hope so that would be fucking cool and I look I know he's a bad I guess he's a bad dude I don't follow politics done but it would be cool of like one day someone's like he's on his computer and some guy goes and he's like eh machina and he's like da kuhna bideom and he's like and it shows it to him and then he's like fucking this guy huh It's not out of the realm of possibility that Putin has watched it.

[108] I mean, this podcast has kind of made me realize how, like, small the world is.

[109] I've gotten to me some incredibly, like, especially the people who used that.

[110] Like, that's, I mean, that's the thing where I go, it's gotten really crazy.

[111] The Internet's really insane, and Netflix is really insane, and the reach of, like, people that, like, this is really simple.

[112] But, like, I'm a big friend of the show Drink Champs.

[113] So I didn't think in a million years, nor he would ever know who I was.

[114] And then he offered me to come to his podcast.

[115] And then when I got there, he told me he was a fan of mine.

[116] And I went, like, I remember moving to New York listening to you and Capone.

[117] Like, I'm sitting there going, wow.

[118] Like, and then the phone calls I've gotten since the movie came out and since Razzle Dazzle came out have been really insane when you realize as much as I know about people.

[119] And I like, there's people I'm fans up.

[120] that don't know who I am, that, like, they're like some pitcher in fucking Florida that I follow the kids.

[121] I like, I was fun to watch and pitch.

[122] There was a softball player in Tempe that she do catching drills.

[123] And I was really into softball with my daughter and we watch her catching girls.

[124] There's a girl, D. Glazer, who me and my daughters would watch her dance videos.

[125] And then I hit her up.

[126] She's like, you know who I am?

[127] And you're like, oh, yeah, that's the way the world works.

[128] What world leader would you drink with if you could?

[129] So you mentioned Putin.

[130] Fuck.

[131] So Putin does.

[132] doesn't drink much.

[133] Zelensky drinks more, but also not much.

[134] Boris Yelston would have been a good one.

[135] He would have been a fucking good one.

[136] I mean, like, I go, Hitler was a pussy.

[137] Like, he drank wine with a, with a spoonful of sugar in it.

[138] You know who drank?

[139] What?

[140] That's my whole thing.

[141] That's my guy.

[142] Yeah.

[143] You know that's my guy, right?

[144] No, I don't know.

[145] That's your guy.

[146] So he did champagne.

[147] Well, let me, well, you don't have to tell me a thing about Winston Churchill.

[148] He, I found out about his day.

[149] So his daily routine was a big breakfast, cigar, coffee, eggs over, egg sunny side up, toast, bacon, sausage, tomato, beans, fruit, orange juice, soft scotch, cigar in bed, and he'd sit there for three hours.

[150] And he'd hold morning breakfast, and that's what they'd come in and he'd run through his day.

[151] And then he'd get in the bathtub for fucking an hour and drink champagne.

[152] And then he'd go to lunch and have some goose or whatever the fuck they ate back then with more champagne.

[153] And then, and then, I mean, and then he'd take a nap.

[154] And, like, I love that.

[155] So every year on hit the day of his death, and he's January 24th, I celebrate Winston Churchill's life by living the way he did.

[156] And so I have breakfast in bed with a soft scotch and I just party all fucking day.

[157] That would be the guy to drink with.

[158] That would be the guy if you could pick anyone to drink with.

[159] He drank every day throughout the day.

[160] It lived like 94.

[161] And was one of the most heroic figures in human history.

[162] Never, never surrender I mean What a fucking badass thing You know he taught the queen The queen was like a like a window licking idiot Right like she was She had a third grade education So like her dad dies And she's like 10 or 12 or whatever The first thing they do is they pull her out of school They're like you're done learning You're just gonna be the queen You gotta know This is what you need to learn Don't make let people make eye contact with you Put your hand out like this Don't let people touch you So she like she had like a really I saw the by the way I didn't do this research.

[163] I just watched the crown, okay?

[164] And Winston Churchill kind of taught her about world politics.

[165] And they'd like come in and she'd be like, Winston, what did we do in Africa?

[166] And he's like, this is going to be a tough one.

[167] And so, yeah, so, but Winston Churchill's the badass.

[168] But if I had to drink with someone living, like drink.

[169] And there's like, there's a too obvious one.

[170] Like, obviously it's fucking Kim Jong -un, right?

[171] You kind of want to.

[172] He drinks.

[173] No, he does.

[174] He thinks my IVs are good in the morning.

[175] morning, you know, Kim Jong -un's IVs are next.

[176] You're like, I feel up.

[177] And he's like, it's anphetamine.

[178] He would be a badass to drink with it.

[179] I think he drinks hard liquor.

[180] I think it's scotch.

[181] Johnny Walker, blue.

[182] That's what I've heard.

[183] I don't know where you heard this, but I like this.

[184] Okay, so I say things like that, but then I'm sure, I, I don't know if you ever party with someone who just parties a little different than you.

[185] And then you notice, like, sometimes celebrity, like athletes.

[186] And then, like, you're at a strip club, and then they, they talk weird to a woman you're like oh that's not me i'm so sorry so that would be the thing the atrocities would be hard to get past with them not just the atrocity but the way of being i agree with you i actually don't like drinking with rich and powerful people often there's something weird about them yeah not not all of them and i don't like i don't like a drinking meeting like when some of those like like what's the what's the people go like hey uh i'm taking you out tonight we're drinking yeah and then i go oh that's not the way i like to do it it gives me anxiety like um our lives are very different you and i yeah were you in a fraternity no we could start there yet no i was not okay that's and the difference is continue from there i'm sure so when you get your pledge of pin they take you out in their whole thing is you're gonna we're getting you fucked up yeah that energy is not my energy i don't like that like it's i just go why don't we just get drunk and feel really good about ourselves like i never like took mushroom to see Jesus, I just wanted to enjoy Raynex on a windshield.

[187] So, like, that, that for me is, like, one of my things.

[188] So if Kim Jong -un flew me to North Korea to drink with him, I'd be like, I'd have to start really getting blackout drunk on the plane to enjoy drinking with him that day.

[189] What's your favorite, like, different occasions, what's your favorite drink?

[190] What's your favorite way of drinking?

[191] I've got, it varies.

[192] So what are the different contexts?

[193] It's like one -on -one.

[194] One -on -one?

[195] Like, you sit down with, I don't know, Rogan invites you, like, it's a godfather to sit down and finally have a talk about something.

[196] It's going to be whiskey.

[197] It's going to be, like, a nice whiskey.

[198] Neat?

[199] No, I like it on the rocks, and I like lots of rocks.

[200] It won't be something expensive because Rogan is not, he's not a fancy boy, you know?

[201] Like, he's a real regular, he's a really regular dude.

[202] He's gotten less regular the more millions of dollars he has.

[203] I think there's parts of him Where you're like, where you're like, oh, wow, we can do this?

[204] Yeah.

[205] But he's a rate, he'd be like Jack on the Rocks or like, Buffalo Trace or one of the, maybe a little whiskey he's buying.

[206] Roganby whiskey rocks.

[207] And then like, that's a good.

[208] I haven't hung out with Joe by ourselves.

[209] I take that back.

[210] I was with him the other night.

[211] But like, it would be cool.

[212] My times with Joe's are always on podcasts.

[213] Yeah.

[214] And his, I missed the times where it was, where you just have you and him at a, at the store late night.

[215] Yeah, I'm okay with podcast.

[216] I used to think this is like performative or something like this, but it's not really.

[217] No. It's just a chance to really sit down.

[218] I enjoy it because of the people I could never sit down with.

[219] Ah.

[220] Like David Cross.

[221] I wouldn't never sit down with David Cross because we don't run in the same circles, but it's nice he has something to promote, and then he comes to my house, and then we can sit down for an hour and talk, and then, or Kevin Smith, like people I would never really hang out with.

[222] Tom, I enjoy being alone with.

[223] Tom Moore.

[224] Off mic.

[225] Tom Seguer.

[226] Yeah.

[227] We have a lot of history.

[228] There's a lot of things, secrets we know about each other.

[229] And there's a lot of secrets going on in each other's lives that I would never share on podcasts that I can talk to him about.

[230] And I really appreciate his.

[231] And I know this isn't on brand of us beating each other up.

[232] But like, I really appreciate his insight as a dad and as a dude and as a son.

[233] But he makes me giggle harder than anyone.

[234] So doing a podcast is fun.

[235] So there's something on a podcast that's performative for you with him and then there's a part.

[236] With me and him, because we're trying to make each other laugh.

[237] But I'll tell you, if we're going back to drinks, I'll tell you, like a great, a great afternoon drink is a Campari Spritz.

[238] It's one of my favorite drinks in the world.

[239] I don't even know what that is.

[240] Oh.

[241] Oh.

[242] Pari is an interesting alcohol because I think it's a bitter or it's a liqueur and it's got a weird rooty, earthy taste.

[243] It's red, so it looks like Kool -Aid.

[244] I got into it.

[245] I thought Campari on ice would be oh so nice.

[246] It's an old commercial.

[247] But man, it's fucking like sucking the green giant's dick.

[248] It is earthy.

[249] What's earthy?

[250] It's like, it's like roots.

[251] Oh, nice.

[252] It's not, it's not, it's, there's a bitterness and like a, it's just not great.

[253] And then someone introduced me to a ngroni, which is Campari and gin and a little soda water.

[254] And then Campari Sprits.

[255] Compari Sprits is Campari, Prisco, and soda water.

[256] in like a wine glass.

[257] And it is so enjoyable.

[258] It's got so many different profiles to it where you get the bitterness, but the sweetness of the prosciko, and then it flattens it out with the soda water, and it looks like Kool -Aid, so I love it.

[259] That's one of my favorite drinks.

[260] To share in what context?

[261] Oh, you're in Italy, and you've been walking around Venice, and everyone went their own ways, and the whole family comes back together, and you meet at a statue, and, and you're your wife's sweating and she's uncomfortable and your daughters are 16 and 18 and they're like what are we going to what are we doing with the rest of the day and you go hey guys it's europe does anyone want to compari spritz and everyone goes i don't know what that is and you go for compari spritz now it's it's minor an alcohols but it's not going to light them up but it gives them a little bit of a buzz where they're like dad these are nice island didn't drink hers so i drank hers i jorja had hers lian had hers and we ordered another round i ordered and they're fucking refreshing and the buzz is perfect it's not too much because it's just a little bit of champagne and some combari if the buzz is perfect and then a couple of them and then they kind of disappear and then you're just walking around again that's a great fucking drink you have a drink alone so there's a two kinds of alone one is alone like at a bar we there's other people but they're strangers right yeah kind of like out there yeah i've done that keep going yeah don't walk me through all the alone and then I'll tell you the rest there's all kinds there's all kinds of there's a loan on a train we're transporting I've dragging alone on a train plane yeah train plane and then there's just alone in the in an empty home or a hotel room hotel and it's Sunday night Sunday night and you're packing your bag and you got a flight at 6 a .m. Yeah but roadhouse is on and you're like shit so you get out of the front desk and go is the bar still open?

[262] And they go, yeah, can I order some to take to my room?

[263] Sure.

[264] How about six Heinekins?

[265] Six He's, my wife wanted one, too.

[266] She's not up there.

[267] You murdered here.

[268] And you just say to yourself, I'm just getting six, so that if I have four, I just know I have two extra ones.

[269] And then you go through six and you're like, oh, man, I'm not done yet.

[270] Dude, I've drank in every alone scenario you can possibly think of.

[271] I've drank, I've drank alone in a helicopter with a dude who didn't know I was drinking.

[272] He was like, can't drink in here?

[273] And he was like, absolutely not.

[274] And then I poured it into a flask and opened it and drank it.

[275] And he's like, dude, we're in a fucking helicopter.

[276] You don't think I'd smell that?

[277] The best alone drinking you can ever do, in my opinion, now we're getting into the weeds on it, is alone behind someone's back.

[278] What do you mean?

[279] Like when they don't know you're drinking, but you're drinking.

[280] Like Christmas shopping.

[281] Ah.

[282] And your wife says, all right, let's all split up.

[283] and you go, cool.

[284] And it's like, it's like 11 o 'clock on a Sunday.

[285] And they just open that bar by the elevator in the Beverly Center.

[286] And you just sneak over and you go, hey, man, can I get a double jack on the rocks, and they're like, sure.

[287] And you just have it.

[288] And you just go, let's just, and then you're off.

[289] And then you're like, yeah.

[290] And then you just, a little sneak one, sneak it, sneak it.

[291] And then you're buzzed and nobody knows.

[292] And then your wife's like, wait, have you been drinking?

[293] You're like, do I?

[294] Yeah, I'm drinking by myself in a fucking mall.

[295] Yeah.

[296] On Christmas.

[297] How sad do you think I am?

[298] And then you go, yeah, I am.

[299] Uh, what about mood?

[300] Do you have a drink in a dark place?

[301] So I broke, I had a chick break up, or a chick cheat on me, uh, when I was, when I came back from Russia and she slept with my best friend and I didn't know how to do with the emotions I had.

[302] And my buddy, Mike Osborne said, I can tell you this, if you drink, they go away.

[303] And I went, okay.

[304] And that was the first and kind of last time I ever did that because I did it.

[305] I've done it.

[306] I've done it a couple times, but I try to avoid, I try to avoid if there's emotion going to alcohol, like, meaning, not when it's anxiety, but like depression.

[307] I kind of sit in the depression because, or anxiety, I lean towards alcohol, like anxiety like about flying or, or just like getting worked up on, over something.

[308] But with depression, I try to avoid alcohol and just sit in it.

[309] Because I, because I've gone there before.

[310] but anxiety is up I land I land all the time but depression heartbreak all that you just sit in the feeling yeah heartbreak is a weird one for me so like the last time I got my heartbroken at leanne dumped me um we were dating for like four months and she broke up with me and my instinct was to have a drink my friends went to this uh this uh this uh middle eastern restaurant and I told him what was going on and my buddy course like let's get a cocktail and I was like I don't want one I gotta figure this out because I want this chick and if I start drinking I'm be like, ah, fuck it.

[311] So I got to figure it out.

[312] Like, I wonder, I'm going to find out my dad dies one day or my mom, but my dad will be the rough one.

[313] My mom will be equally as rough.

[314] My dad and I were really close.

[315] And I wonder if, I've thought about this a lot, if I'll have a drink dealing with that.

[316] Like, I think about that a lot.

[317] I keep saying everything I get with my dad is extra.

[318] My dad, my dad had a 100 % blockage in his widowmaker twice.

[319] And both times they saved his life.

[320] And he got a stint, I think 12 or 13 years ago.

[321] And then he just got a stint this last year.

[322] But so everything I get to do, I feel like his extra.

[323] And so, you know, he was just at the premiere of my movie and he got to see that.

[324] And he had a very emotional response.

[325] And I got that from him.

[326] And I was like, that that's a little ice going on the cake.

[327] I did, you know, the arena in Tampa was the first time he ever saw me do stand up.

[328] That was like a little extra.

[329] So all these things I'm getting with them are all extra.

[330] So I have a, you know, at least 74.

[331] So, yeah, that'll be a tough one.

[332] Well, at the premiere, he was, what, proud?

[333] Yeah, he came out, he was sobbing, crying.

[334] And he goes, I've underestimated you your whole life.

[335] And I was like, what?

[336] And he was like, and he was shaking.

[337] He goes, I just underestimated you.

[338] I didn't know.

[339] I didn't know you were this.

[340] I didn't do whatever.

[341] It was really hard to understand him, to be honest with you.

[342] I don't know totally what he said.

[343] He might have just not like the movie.

[344] I think you were hearing what you wanted to hear.

[345] What did you learn about life from your father?

[346] It's not going to make sense.

[347] I feel like sometimes I'm like a professional fucking wrestler because all I care about is you come and see me do stand up.

[348] So whatever I got to do to get you there.

[349] But the number one thing, my one takeaway from that man's humility, and I've applied it in different ways throughout my career.

[350] on my 26th birthday he gave me a really aggressive speech he I was hung over and I just thought he was gonna say happy birthday so I picked up the phone and I was like hey and he was like you are a tremendous piece of shit and he broke me off you have no humility you have no this you never succeeded anything you you're you're lying to yourself you're lying to everyone around you you're not doing what you're going after your dream I broke you I failed you as a father this and that I was like, I thought you're going to wish me happy birthday.

[351] And so in that speech, he told me, if I wanted something, I had to go at it, and I had to go after it as hard as I could.

[352] And I had to do whatever I could do to achieve that.

[353] In this case, it was working, offering to do anything at the comedy club to get on stage.

[354] He told me, I told him, that's not how it works.

[355] And he said, no, that's how it works for some poor kid from Harlem because that kid needs it.

[356] He goes, you've grown up with privilege your whole life.

[357] You don't need it.

[358] You think you're going to be fine.

[359] And so I went and I ended up getting a job at the door, but I, it was, it was, it's humbling.

[360] It's, it's really like, it's, it makes me feel, it made me feel uncomfortable.

[361] And so that humility is, it's the first time I really understood humility.

[362] And I've applied that in many respects in like, in like getting to be a paid regular at the comedy store that happened late in life for me. and which I think most people would give up and be like, fuck that.

[363] I'm already a touring comic.

[364] I'm on TV.

[365] I don't need that.

[366] But it's something I wanted and I knew I wanted.

[367] So I just humbly went after it.

[368] And then I think I still apply it when it comes to selling tickets or selling a project to the fans.

[369] Or even to doing podcasts, I try to be as honest as I can about whatever I'm going through or whatever I'm dealing with.

[370] But when it comes to like selling things, I don't have a problem.

[371] trying to make fun of myself or get it in front of people so that they know that I have a show because the thing I'm good at, the one thing I know I'm good at, stand -up.

[372] And I say that humbly, but, like, I want them to come there.

[373] So, like, I've heard people make fun of me, like, before they're like, yeah, I'm not some clown in a speedo who's going to, I'm a real comic.

[374] And I go, okay, but I want to, I want them to, and you can be that guy and I'll be this guy.

[375] Yeah, the clown in the speedo.

[376] Yeah, it's like, what are you going to do?

[377] Funny people make fun of me for taking my shirt off.

[378] Like, I guess, behind my back, no one ever does it to me. Like, no one would ever, comics aren't, comics aren't, comics aren't that manly.

[379] Yeah, yeah.

[380] But I always go, like, I always go like, what do you care?

[381] What am I, what do you care?

[382] And you love taking a shirt off?

[383] More than anything.

[384] You know, when something becomes meme and becomes super popular, it becomes easy to not love the thing anymore, to get tired of it.

[385] You still love it?

[386] Well, more than anything.

[387] I like being shirtless more than having a shirt.

[388] I'm very uncomfortable in a shirt.

[389] Yeah.

[390] Like right now, and I'm tactile issues.

[391] Like, I have legit tactile issues.

[392] I'm most comfortable in stretchy jeans with a loose -fitting belt, and then these shirts exactly, but I like more like a V -neck.

[393] I can feel this on my neck right now, and I can feel it on my arms.

[394] And so I'll sit a certain way because it just rubs me wrong.

[395] But I'm more comfortable shirtless.

[396] I can never wear what you're wearing.

[397] Yeah, well, this is my shirtless.

[398] Each of us have to find our place in this world in terms of fashion.

[399] I would love to be able to wear what you wear.

[400] Because it looks good.

[401] It feels like an escape from convention.

[402] Well, you or me. Both of us.

[403] Yeah.

[404] Because nobody wears this, unless you work security for somebody.

[405] Yeah, but it looks good on you.

[406] Does it?

[407] I don't know.

[408] You know, I think people think, I don't know, like, they would say, like, what if you lose weight, you can't take your shirt off anymore?

[409] I go, no, I can fucking take my shirt off.

[410] Yeah.

[411] You fucking out of your mind.

[412] I take my shirt off all the time.

[413] You mentioned early on heartbreak after the Russia trip, where the girl, who slept with your friend.

[414] Let's go back to Hemingway quotes.

[415] The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.

[416] So to go all in with the trust.

[417] I love Hemingway so much.

[418] Have you been betrayed in your life?

[419] Yeah.

[420] What do you think about trust?

[421] It's an interesting question.

[422] I've been betrayed in my professional life a couple times by really close friends.

[423] and I'm not someone who can, like, I have a mantra that, I mean, I'm, I don't know if people have heard it or not, and I hate, I hate sharing it, but it's true.

[424] The mantra is, so you think I'm weak.

[425] Like, do you think, it's like, that's my thing, because I feel like people take advantage of me, and I go, oh, so you think I'm weak.

[426] You forget, everyone that, like, and I'm named the people that have betrayed me, I'm a larger man than all of them.

[427] And so that's what really fucks with me is I go, so you think I'm weak.

[428] Like where I grew up, when you do stuff, there was physical consequences.

[429] I grew up in Florida.

[430] Like, I've been beaten up a bunch.

[431] I'm not saying I can fight, but like I'm not scared of getting beaten up.

[432] And the times that I've been betrayed, and even I know even like by Ari, which people see that drugging as a betrayal.

[433] And I did for a period.

[434] But it was only because it was Ari and he was one of my best friends.

[435] and me and him had to work through that because I couldn't not love him.

[436] Like I couldn't not have him in my life.

[437] He means a lot to me. He really does.

[438] He's a great friend to have.

[439] But he's also, I don't know what was going on with him at that time, but he made a bad decision.

[440] And I had to forgive him for that because he knew my mantra.

[441] I think I'm harder to trust people now.

[442] I'm not as apt to trust people at all.

[443] But there was a moment.

[444] I don't know if I've ever shared this and I don't know how this will sound.

[445] But there was a moment that information got leaked about a thing and all my managers and agents, both Tom and our managers and agents would like to either separate us or one of them get both of us.

[446] It's just more lucrative for them.

[447] So they have always kind of pitted us against each other a little bit and they do it subtly.

[448] They'll do it to me and my team and then his team will do it to me, and then my team will do it to him, and his team will do it to him.

[449] And there was a moment where information got leaked about this thing I was doing, and my team was like, just so you know, your boy Tommy is the rat.

[450] And I had to, it was the one time, and Leanne said, do you think Tom would do that?

[451] I said, I don't know how faith works.

[452] Like, I'm not a super religious person, but I will tell you that I believe in Tom, and I don't.

[453] think you did it.

[454] And I will stand by that ignorantly.

[455] And I will ride or die with him because I cannot live in a world where I don't trust him.

[456] If I don't trust him, then I am so fucked.

[457] And it wasn't him.

[458] And it was a cool feeling to know that you could like, that you could blindly trust someone, blindly have faith in someone, know that they have your best interest at heart.

[459] But yeah, it took me a while to get there.

[460] Rogan helped me get there because I wasn't trusting him or Joey or Tommy or anyone.

[461] I wasn't trusting anyone.

[462] I'd gotten in a bad thing, and I just wasn't trusting anybody.

[463] And Rogan was like, yeah, man, we're trying to be your fucking friend.

[464] And I was like, yeah, I don't need friends.

[465] I couldn't understand why Rogan was interested in me. And I said to someone, I was like, is he gay?

[466] Like, what's the fuck?

[467] Yeah.

[468] And then he was just a nice guy.

[469] He was just a nice guy.

[470] That'd be hilarious if Joe was sexually attracted to you, this whole time.

[471] this whole time is the reason he keeps inviting you back i would be more excited i would be more excited if just if he tried to kiss me on the lips once just and just and like in a scotty scotty jway from boogie nights where he's like what do you like my car yeah you know nobody would believe that story no one yeah if i was joe i would kiss dudes all the time and then be like and then when they didn't kiss back go you no one'll never no one ever believe you yeah well when you trust people like that and they fuck you over that can really really really really hurt you end up on a treadmill in a hotel room fighting with them you fight with them all the time you fight with them all the time you fight with them constantly and it's and i and i have this thing like where i got ruminate on an idea and i can't get it out of my head and i hear the words they say and i and so all in your head on a treadmill in your head just fighting just fucking fighting and then yeah and then one day you get past it.

[472] Like one day you just go, eh, fuck them.

[473] I'm not going to leave them real estate.

[474] And then you just forget about them.

[475] And then they reach out and they'll try to be a dick or a bully because they're bullies.

[476] They're bullies.

[477] Don't ever forget it.

[478] They're fucking bullies.

[479] And they got bullied.

[480] It's not their fault.

[481] They got bullied.

[482] And then they try to bully you and you don't have any connection anymore.

[483] And you're like, oh, you can go fuck yourself.

[484] You can actually go fuck yourself.

[485] You're not my boss.

[486] You're not my wife.

[487] You don't fuck me. get the fuck out of my life.

[488] But this kind of mantra of that you're not weak, you still want to be able to be fragile to the world and appear weak almost.

[489] I am.

[490] I mean, that's the problem is I think I am pretty fucking weak.

[491] Like, I'm not the strongest dude out there.

[492] I have really thin skin.

[493] I get my feelings hurt all the time.

[494] Yeah.

[495] And so, but like, but it sucks when you watch, like, your friend see something in you that you go, like they go fuck him he's not paying attention fuck him let's just fuck him let's take his money you know what fuck him he doesn't know what the fuck he's doing look at me he's a drunk alcoholic and you go oh no bitch I pay attention like I'm wide awake I'm here I'm working my ass off you're not gonna fucking well that's the tough thing about like you and Tom Segura you're at the top of your game on the top of the world some most famous comics in the world and you could see money start to creep in like business decisions.

[496] I don't know.

[497] It's a tough, it's a tough place.

[498] It's really tough.

[499] It's really tough.

[500] You know, especially as we're growing.

[501] And I'll tell you what, it, I don't know how much I'm allowed to say, but I can tell you this.

[502] We had a business deal where feelings were getting involved and money was involved and the money was causing the feelings.

[503] and one of us said to the other person, our feelings are more important than the money.

[504] So let's just split the money.

[505] And it was, and it was, and it was, and it was, and it was, it was really like a solid moment where I, where both of us were like, that is how we should run this.

[506] Yeah.

[507] That's the interesting things with, like, with bands, you'll have, like, popular bands that split and even.

[508] Yeah.

[509] Even though it's clear that the, Contribution is not even.

[510] It's like there's a frontman and all that kind of stuff, but it's ultimately the right thing to do to say, fuck you to the money for the most part and prioritize the feelings.

[511] Yeah, especially because, like, I couldn't do it without him.

[512] He couldn't do it without me. We do it separately.

[513] We'll have guest bears on.

[514] Some will blow up.

[515] Some won't.

[516] You can never figure it out, but when we're together, it does well.

[517] And so we need each other for it to work.

[518] And we've, you know, like I said, we're on a handshake deal with two bears.

[519] and no one likes that, but we're like, hey, I mean, we, I don't, like, to the point where, like, he'll call me and go, yo, we have a deal to do this for X amount, are you in?

[520] And I go, yeah, I don't check the books.

[521] I don't need to.

[522] I don't, I know him.

[523] I just know him.

[524] Yeah.

[525] What do you love most about Tom Segura?

[526] We saw a gay couple one time.

[527] Mm -hmm.

[528] This is a good start.

[529] And there was one guy was in khakis and one guy was in jean shorts.

[530] with a python around his neck.

[531] And Tom goes, if we were gay, which one would you be?

[532] I said, I'm fucking Python.

[533] And he was like, yeah, I'm khaki.

[534] And I go, really?

[535] And he goes, yeah, that's why we work.

[536] And he goes, all relationships are pythons and khakis.

[537] And I went, really?

[538] And he goes, look at you and Leanne.

[539] Who do you think you are?

[540] I go, I'm Python.

[541] And he goes, she's khaki.

[542] And he goes, me and push?

[543] I go, oh, she's Python.

[544] He goes, and I'm khaki.

[545] He goes, I'll always be khaki.

[546] And sometimes I'll have a relationship around the python.

[547] But I'm usually a khaki.

[548] Yeah.

[549] And I was like, yeah.

[550] I am a little bit of a lunatic.

[551] I'll tell you, a moment that explains me and him that the world will never see.

[552] It was just a great moment.

[553] We got stem cells with Rogan one weekend.

[554] Yep.

[555] And one day.

[556] And I'd had surgery in my arm, and I didn't want to do it.

[557] I was terrified.

[558] And Tom just said, just come out and meet up with us.

[559] Tom knew he was going to make me get them.

[560] And so I got them.

[561] And he, you know, Joe's there.

[562] And so we're just all talking.

[563] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[564] And Tom can see that I'm spinning out.

[565] little bit and I get in the car and you know Tom's got a Porsche so we're like right next to each other and I just want to feel if it's swollen and it is a little swollen because I just got an injection and then Tom's driving and he's got his hand on the thing he just puts his hand on my arm and he goes you're okay he's just he's watching he knows me so well that he knows that I'm spinning out of control he's like you're okay and then I was like and I felt okay I was like you're right i'm okay what the fuck am i doing my brain's that brain man that guy got so much loving him dude he does he has uh you know he had a fantastic relationship with his dad and and and i think whatever that did that dude did to create that dude he hit it out of the fucking park because he has so much uh love that he doesn't need reciprocated like at all like he can just love and then he feels good for him to give and to like take care of someone and like you know he started the whole birthday gift thing because and he didn't need to he just was like hey man i had this bike i thought you'd like it and then of course i've turned it into a fucking bit and now we're upside down i'm 120 upside down on a fucking race car that we can't make our money back on uh love it uh what do you love most about jo rogan oh that dude i could go on and on about Joe Rogan.

[566] Joe Rogan is the most selfless individual I've ever met.

[567] He doesn't care if he has you on the podcast.

[568] He wants you to be the funniest person in the room.

[569] He wants you to be the smartest person in the room.

[570] Let me tell you something.

[571] Joe Rogan is 10 times smarter and funnier than me. He wants you to shine.

[572] He wants you, he wants to put you over to his fans.

[573] That shit did not exist before he started doing his podcast.

[574] People didn't share you with their fans.

[575] No one was like, hey man, come on the road with me. They brought you on the road because they wanted you to suck and they put you in bad scenarios.

[576] Joe Rogan wanted you to shine.

[577] He gave, he gave so many people, beautiful career, gave them careers, gave them.

[578] Joe could have looked at his podcast as his thing.

[579] This is my thing.

[580] I bring on these guys, I'm going to be the funniest guy in the fucking room.

[581] I know some guys that have done that.

[582] It might be me. I might be talking about people and not listen really well.

[583] Joe had did the opposite.

[584] Now, look, I've tried to learn from Joe on my podcast and do the same.

[585] That guy, and when you think about it, you name 10 of his friends, I bet eight of them are doing arenas right now.

[586] They're all doing theaters.

[587] All his friends do theaters.

[588] All his friends do theaters.

[589] He is, he is just, you know, I, he won't accept this compliment.

[590] I tried paying it to him in Austin when I was in Austin last night.

[591] Well, he's not good to accepting compliments.

[592] I gave him a gift, too, and I say, hey, I need to show you.

[593] I can't just tell you this because it's going to fall in deaf ears.

[594] I need to give you a minute so you have something so you know that I think about you and I'm grateful for having you in my life a lot for many reasons.

[595] I have more friends in my life because of you.

[596] He taught me how to trust people again.

[597] I have a career because of you.

[598] I have a major motion picture because of you.

[599] I do arenas because of you.

[600] Without you in my life, a lot of these things maybe never would have happened.

[601] I never would have told the machine on stage.

[602] I wouldn't have gotten, I wouldn't have never started a podcast.

[603] I wouldn't have three podcasts.

[604] Like, I mean, all these things are things he not just, he didn't just take me to the water one time and give me a drink.

[605] He, he gave me a machete and he said, this is how I get to the water.

[606] You got to put your own path, but just give me your heads up.

[607] You can also use my path whenever you want.

[608] I mean, he, he is the most selfless individual.

[609] He will go down in history as one of the 10 most important people in stand -up comedy, without a doubt.

[610] He changed the game.

[611] It didn't exist like this before him.

[612] And he won't accept that compliment.

[613] What was the gift you get him?

[614] I can't tell you.

[615] Is it a dildo?

[616] It was a dildo.

[617] It was a double -sided dildo.

[618] I go, hey, when you get free time, can we scissor fuck each other?

[619] You're happily married for 19 years.

[620] So I think you're a good man to ask.

[621] How do you find love?

[622] How do you date in order to find a love of your life, of a lifetime?

[623] This is going to sound...

[624] off but don't don't tie yourself down meaning like don't spend time fucking with those little mini shrimp and peeling them every night when you know you're looking for a lobster yeah like and so I think what happens a lot of guys they just they're so busy and like just getting pussy and going from here to here to here I was never that guy I always wanted I always wanted to find someone who understood me I always wanted that and so I know granted I haven't had sex with a lot of chicks but that's and it's and it's not by choice I'm saying like maybe there was times I would have done it but I but I know that I was always looking for someone to figure out to get me and then and then I will say this when you know you know when you know you know when you think there's I can't imagine a life without this person that that happened to me and I can only say my experiences I had Leanne I loved her and I and I didn't even realize it and the second I she dumped me. I went, oh, no, no, no, no. Oh, I don't get to live a great life without her.

[625] She's the thing that's going to give me a great life.

[626] I knew it undisputed.

[627] I went for a run and she dumped me. I went to my shower.

[628] I cried.

[629] I went to Barnes & Noble.

[630] I bought men or from Venus, women, and from Mars.

[631] I watched Fight Club in my closet.

[632] I didn't drink.

[633] I drank a lot of Nyquil to sleep.

[634] And then I went for a hike in Runyon Canyon.

[635] I was running back down outpost by Beneflex House.

[636] And the sun was setting.

[637] And I just, said, God, if you're listening, just give me this chick back.

[638] I'll never fuck it up.

[639] This is the one.

[640] I won't fuck it up.

[641] I won't cheat.

[642] I'm not going to be a bad dude.

[643] I want to have kids with her.

[644] I'll be there.

[645] I'll be a great fucking dude.

[646] I'll take her out on dates.

[647] Like, I'll love this chick.

[648] And I got home and she was in my room in a sundress.

[649] And I was like, oh, fuck, I didn't know he was real.

[650] Yeah.

[651] I was like, shit, man. Give me like one more night.

[652] Let me get some strange tail real quick.

[653] before I commit forever.

[654] But I think when you know, you know, this is so silly, but I follow that in business.

[655] Like, when you know, you know, and like my assistance with us, and someone goes, how do you, how do you find a good assistant?

[656] I go, when you know, you know.

[657] Like, people will show you who they are.

[658] I can tell you when I fell in love with my assistant.

[659] We were doing a TV show and we worked past dinner and all the dinner places were closed.

[660] And he just said, hey, I got like four meals.

[661] I didn't know which one you'd want.

[662] So I got four different meals for you.

[663] I ordered them they're up in your room and just let me know whichever you want I'll take care of the rest of them And I was like Oh, that dude thinks about other people before himself He didn't even get himself dinner He just got me for dinners And I was like, fuck I did the same thing with my social media manager The way she was operating I was like I feel like she's thinking about me And we connected on so many levels On so many levels I could talk to her about things And ideas I had And then I was like, okay, I want her I want him I want, I think it's got to be that thing when you know, you know.

[664] And it can be so simple as like a personal trainer or like a jujitsu class or like just where you go, oh, I'm connecting right now.

[665] But you have to allow yourself to notice that person.

[666] I think you do.

[667] I mean, I think you have to put yourself out there and you have to be available for it, you know?

[668] That's the hardest part is just being available for it because so many people just want to be busy, just dating.

[669] I just want to have someone in my life.

[670] I don't want to be bored.

[671] I don't want to, what if I die alone?

[672] I don't want to, I like, just be available for it.

[673] What is it?

[674] You said, peeling the baby shrimp?

[675] Yeah.

[676] When you could be having a lobster?

[677] Lobster's still a lot of work, I have to say.

[678] Yeah, but, yeah, but it's lobster.

[679] This is a fucking baby shrimp or like, and you ever get the ones in Brazil where you just go, fuck, it'll eat the shell.

[680] I don't care anymore.

[681] I'm so fucking hungry, you're just handful of lobster like it's popcorn or baby shrimp like it's popcorn.

[682] I've done that in Vietnam.

[683] I've done that where I just go, it's too much work.

[684] So when you're in it, what's the secret to successful marriage?

[685] What do women want, Burke Chrysher?

[686] Oh, fuck.

[687] I'm the wrong guy to answer that.

[688] I think...

[689] How to make love to a woman by Burke Chrysher?

[690] How do you make love to a woman?

[691] I'll tell you how I do it.

[692] Nah.

[693] I go down on her first.

[694] Make sure she has an orgasm.

[695] Yeah.

[696] And then I get my turn, and that's over pretty quick.

[697] It's like a, it's like your ears pierced.

[698] a little prick and it's over.

[699] I don't know if I've done a great job keeping her happy.

[700] I think I keep her interested.

[701] Like, I think I keep her occupied.

[702] Like, I'm like a little bit of a rodeo clown.

[703] Like, I don't know, I mean, like, I know we're happy right now.

[704] I know we're really happy.

[705] But I don't know if I ever did as good a job as she.

[706] did like she's always been like she's always been a gangster like done it did everything just does everything she does it all she does everything like fucking everything and she loves it she just does it and then she shows love for you by taking care of you and so like I have a lot of time just been this like almost like step and repeat husband where it's like I come in to take a picture like hey Monday Tuesday all right I'm on the road Wednesday take care guys or like travel channel I'd live for two weeks at a time.

[707] I left for the movie for three months.

[708] So, like, I don't know that I've ever done a bang -up job.

[709] I buy it, like, I go, I remember one time I was just like, I don't cheat on her, I don't hit her, I don't yell at her.

[710] I'm a pretty good fighter.

[711] I'm a really good fighter.

[712] Like, like, I'm good at, like, going, like, hey, we're on the same team.

[713] Oh, you mean de -escalation?

[714] I'm really good at, like, I'm very self, I'm very accountable.

[715] I'm very self -correcting.

[716] like if we're in a fight and she points something out and I go oh you're right I go fuck you're right about that you're right you're totally right oh in the moment in the moment I'm really good at that and my wife's not she's not a good apologizer like she needs to sleep on an apology and then she can do it I can apologize in the moment if I realize I'm wrong and I'm really quick to find my fault yeah I look for my fault because I go tell me what I did adversely as a parent I have pulled my daughters aside and been like yo that wasn't you.

[717] That was mom.

[718] Yeah.

[719] I'm giving you a heads up because I don't want, because I got really confused as a kid because my dad always made sure I knew I was wrong.

[720] And sometimes I wasn't.

[721] Yeah.

[722] And then as a kid, you're kind of fucked up.

[723] You're like, well, how do I know if I'm wrong?

[724] And I think that raises.

[725] So I was really good with my girls going like, yo.

[726] And then parenting Georgia taught me a lot about self -correcting.

[727] Self -correcting was that?

[728] My oldest.

[729] I'd only, I parented like my dad parented.

[730] Like, just like, raise your voice.

[731] voice get up to here that's it no that does it fuck this how come the dogs don't have goddamn leashes on the collars on their necks and so with georgia i had to learn through therapy that if the if the if the consequence is here and it and the highest it goes is here then why the fuck wouldn't they lie and do everything because they go well i know what it's like to hear but if you can vary your consequence with a child and find some conversation in it then all the sudden And they're like, well, fuck.

[732] Well, I don't want to lie because this does, this does suck.

[733] I like this.

[734] I like where we talk.

[735] And he says, write a thousand words on why driving around your kids in a car, kids in a car is bad.

[736] So threaten extreme violence every once in a while just to.

[737] Yeah, let him know the dog can fucking bite.

[738] Yeah.

[739] The dog can bark, the dog can bite.

[740] But if you pet him on his belly, he'll wag its tail.

[741] Yeah.

[742] Do you worry about being away too much?

[743] I mean, you're one of the most creative content.

[744] pushers and creators out there.

[745] You're just constantly innovating, constantly putting stuff out there, but do you worry that pulls you away from, like, the mundane experience of life?

[746] Yeah.

[747] They can bring contempt and happiness.

[748] Yeah, I feel like sometimes it cannibalizes your real life where you start going, you start thinking in promo videos, or you start looking at a vacation as a bit.

[749] Yeah.

[750] Like, we should go ziplining.

[751] Oh, I don't know.

[752] What shoes you wear?

[753] or not like it can it can definitely cannibalize your life my wife's really good at going like no like no phones the girls are really good the girls when I started Instagramming stuff they started saying stuff like dad hits mom and I'm like whoa whoa whoa whoa guys they're like no put your phone away yeah dad unless boys and I'm like whoa whoa whoa whoa stop stop stop stop yeah uh what's um what are some secrets words a wisdom you can say for how to be successful online and all the Everything you've learned, you're kind of like the Mr. Beast of Comedy, just innovating constantly in terms of how to promote stuff, in terms of how to present stuff, across the different social media, across YouTube, podcast, all that stuff.

[754] I think the number one thing is, don't be afraid to suck.

[755] No one sees the shit that sucks.

[756] It doesn't get views.

[757] It just gets forgotten.

[758] Yeah, gets forgotten.

[759] The good stuff they remember, and then that's all they bring up.

[760] the stuff that sucks just goes away.

[761] And they're like, oh, yeah, did you do that?

[762] I don't even think I saw that.

[763] Fuck it, who cares?

[764] Yeah.

[765] You know, it's like, it's like, I watched, one of my favorite stories about this is a guy named Sean Patton.

[766] I was explaining Instagram stories to him and Ari and Mark Norman.

[767] And I was explaining that you can now sell tickets on Instagram stories.

[768] It was back when they swiped up instead of tap the button to swipe up.

[769] And they didn't understand it.

[770] And I said, let me show you.

[771] And I put up tickets for sale.

[772] and I said, you know, hey, guys swipe up.

[773] And then I just showed him in 10 minutes, look, this is not many people swipes up.

[774] It's a lot of people to buy tickets for a fucking comedy club.

[775] And they were like, whoa.

[776] And they're like, what do you do stories about?

[777] I go, fucking anything.

[778] Who gives a shit?

[779] Just anything.

[780] And some things work, some things don't.

[781] And I watched Sean Patton, shout out to Sean Patton, try for about 15 minutes to do an Instagram story about his cup of tea.

[782] He was making a cup of tea.

[783] And he was making it.

[784] And he kept going, hey, okay, hold on.

[785] Hold on to me. I was filming him from the couch.

[786] I was filming all these attempts.

[787] The whole thing, yeah.

[788] I filmed every single one of my, like, 15 different stories of him trying to do that.

[789] I had 145 ,000 views on each story.

[790] He never posted it.

[791] He never posted it.

[792] And I was like, man, if he had just posted that one, he never posted anything in his stories.

[793] That one, 145 ,000 people would have gone to his story to see that cup of tea being made and see which one he finally went with.

[794] And so sometimes, I think the biggest mistake you can make is just not doing it.

[795] just do it just post it turn the camera on the idea will show up and that that's the number one thing just turn the camera on and it'll come up you'll figure it out do you do multiple takes or no maybe i do three like and i'm talking even like in the the dance video i did where i did the hip -hop dance i did two takes on that um with when i had the marching band come to my house i did two takes on that um once you start doing more takes you lose the fun of it i think and uh and then the fun ones I mean, my favorite one I've ever done, without a doubt, my favorite promo I've ever done is I needed, they added a second show in some city and, and, and they added a second show like Friday and Saturday and our third show.

[796] And I said, I just told me, I was like, fuck, I'm leaving like tomorrow.

[797] I need to sell tickets.

[798] So I said, real quick, girls, meet me outside and Leah's like, girls are doing homework.

[799] I can go to take five seconds.

[800] I put on a speedo.

[801] I got the American flag.

[802] I gave Isla the Hose.

[803] I gave Leanne the leaf blower and I gave Georgia the drone and I just had Georgia drone it back to reveal the leaf blower and the mist you were seeing was coming from Eila and Leanne.

[804] I'm in a speedo with the American flag I have Bob Seeger playing rambling, grambling man and that night Larry the cable guy texted me and he goes, this is fucking genius and I was like it was just and it was just like, yo just let's just shoot something who gives a fuck like just shoot something just just say something and put a little just do a little movement into it and those are my back in that was I used to be I watched a bunch of my promo clips back from back in the day I used to be really good now it's like I'm promoting so fucking many things I'm just like I'm almost like I'm exhausted about my promotions yeah because you know the the well can dry up in terms of ideas yeah and it's like how many times am I going to show a picture of my ass my ass sells really good whatever my ass is on this Instagram, fucking million views guaranteed, a million views.

[805] Your ass.

[806] And it's an active post.

[807] Like, people are like, I did the best one I did the other day was where I superimposed my ass on my front.

[808] And it just looked beautiful.

[809] Yeah.

[810] No views.

[811] Oh, so you...

[812] It got reported.

[813] Oh, I see.

[814] It looked like a front vagina.

[815] Oh, is that what it was?

[816] Yeah, I think so.

[817] But, like, but yeah, my ass.

[818] Ass sells.

[819] Like, I'm in a place right now where I am promoting, I'll be promoting this movie.

[820] I'll be promoting this movie until it goes to a streamer.

[821] I'll be promoting it shamelessly.

[822] I'm proud of it.

[823] I had a great time shooting it.

[824] It's in theaters.

[825] It'll be on video on demand.

[826] It'll be on a streamer, I'm sure.

[827] I don't know, but I'm sure.

[828] I'm promoting fully loaded my summer festival with 19 different comics.

[829] I'm promoting the tops off world tour that starts again this fall.

[830] I'm promoting my cruise, the fully loaded cruise.

[831] I'm promoting red rocks.

[832] I'm promoting so many things that today was the very.

[833] very first time in my career where I said in January I'm going to take a break I'm going to take a break and go like hey man let's let's get your resting heart rate down yeah let's let's get some sleep let's let's maybe take off like three months from drinking like let's just really like slow it down and and also not think when you're thinking in promo all the time it it can be a little exhaust I mean you think you think it's exhausting to look at my feet it's exhausting to be my feed.

[834] I'm my feed.

[835] And sometimes less is more.

[836] One of the things that...

[837] Nope.

[838] Nope.

[839] Nope.

[840] One of the things that inspires me about Rogan, for example, is he almost never does this kind of stuff.

[841] Yeah, yeah.

[842] And how seldomly does his podcast?

[843] Because you're right, less is more.

[844] What does you do it?

[845] Like once a month?

[846] No, he does it three times a fucking week.

[847] Yeah.

[848] More is perfect.

[849] But for example, when he does like a story or something like this, he does one take.

[850] It's kind of shitty.

[851] It's the same day.

[852] It's the same.

[853] It's elk with a bunch of jalapinos, a knife that he had sent to him by a fucking knife maker.

[854] And him going, look at this.

[855] Look at this.

[856] Trigger Smoker.

[857] I reverse seared this.

[858] This is what's great.

[859] Look at this.

[860] I'm about to put it in the butter.

[861] This is grass -fed butter.

[862] This is elk really raises my testosterone.

[863] Rogan is, you're right.

[864] With guys like Rogan, when he does do a story, they're a little precious.

[865] Yeah.

[866] And there's, I don't think he's, he's ever done a second take, any of those stories.

[867] No. And there's, you have to really admire that.

[868] Like, if the shot is framed poorly, if the audio sucks, doesn't matter.

[869] Doesn't matter.

[870] Do you remember when he, this is like, like, I can get in the weeds on Rogan, but, and especially when it's Instagram, do you remember when he got his polar plunge and he couldn't sit it in a minute?

[871] And then the next day, and then he must have gotten it on the internet bad.

[872] Yeah.

[873] He must have gotten it bad.

[874] Yeah.

[875] The next day, he sat in for 20 minutes, and he lowered his core temperature by, like, two degrees.

[876] And it took him, like, a month to get that back.

[877] Yeah.

[878] That is that fucking man. What an interesting...

[879] You know, I told you at the beginning, we were just talking.

[880] I like, I really enjoy...

[881] I draw inspiration for men I'm not like.

[882] You, David Goggins, Cam Haynes.

[883] Andrew Huberman, we're talking about.

[884] Huberman, I love...

[885] Uh, fucking...

[886] I mean, there's so many guys like that, Rogan, you know, Tim Kennedy.

[887] Like, there are a lot of guys that are, like, just very different men than me, and I love Jaka Wilnick.

[888] Like, I love, I love reading their stuff or listening to their audio books or listening to their podcast because I'm so not like that.

[889] But that, for me, when I add a little bit of that in my life, like, I remember you went, I don't know what you were doing, but you were walking us through your day.

[890] and it was so fascinating.

[891] It was like, I ran eight miles today, I listened to an audio book I was running eight miles and then I came and I worked for about three hours straight on AI stuff and I'm like, and I was like, wait, you sat at a desk?

[892] Like, you like sat at a desk and like, and I actually, I wouldn't even know what to do.

[893] I would start doing crafts.

[894] Like, I wouldn't, like, that you went, I was like, is your computer?

[895] Yeah.

[896] Have you set for like four hours focused on a single task?

[897] Me?

[898] Yeah.

[899] No. No. Oh, I have a hard time sleeping for four hours.

[900] Yeah.

[901] Like I don't have that.

[902] I don't have a brain that like, I really admired it when I listened to you do it because then you were like, you were fasting at the time, you were doing your fast, and then you talk about what you ate.

[903] And I was jealous.

[904] I wanted to be able to be like that.

[905] And I think.

[906] at that time we started, I think you were doing maybe bone broth or something.

[907] And we started doing bone broth pretty religiously and adding that into a fast because I was like, it does, for someone like me, it does feel cool to add a little bit of control into life.

[908] So integrating a little bit of a way of being from another person that you're not like.

[909] Yeah, like, like, so, so David Goggins is consistently pushing himself.

[910] I love, I did it, I did it over the pandemic more, but I loved, going, today I'm running a marathon.

[911] I'm going to get on the treadmill.

[912] And it's not going to be all at once, but I'm going to get through a marathon today.

[913] So let's get up, get up a six months from coffee, and let's see if we can do like five miles.

[914] And then know that we started there.

[915] And that was really fun to, like, Cam Haynes does that too, where he goes, like, he almost just sets the limit and then achieves that.

[916] His son, Truitt, is really fascinating.

[917] Because his son, Truit right now is trying to get the, and like, I bet people would never think that this is who I watch, but I get real inspiration from those people because I showed Jocko, I showed a clip to Jocko to Ila, because Ila's like me, like a person of her fluids, impulse.

[918] I walked in on her one time.

[919] She was in the pantry, in a bathrobe, in the dark, drinking a root beer.

[920] Yeah.

[921] And I opened the door and she went, I said what?

[922] She goes, I thought you were mom.

[923] Shut the door.

[924] and I shut the door to let her finish the root beer.

[925] She has a hard time waking up.

[926] So go, Ila, come in here.

[927] I want you to see this clip from Jocko.

[928] She goes, who's Jocko?

[929] I say, he's a Navy SEAL.

[930] She goes, he works at the zoo?

[931] I went, no. He said, Navy fucking SEAL.

[932] I go, it's a badass job.

[933] She goes, it's a silly name.

[934] And I went, no, it's not, it isn't a silly name.

[935] These guys are the toughest dudes in the world.

[936] She goes...

[937] She's kind of right, though, about the silly name.

[938] I never even realize that.

[939] Well, yeah, you talk to a child.

[940] Yeah.

[941] And so I go, watch just what he says about waking up.

[942] So it hits the thing, and the jacca goes, first thing you do when you hear that alarm clock, you could roll over, you could go back to bed, you could hit snooze, but you get out of bed.

[943] And that's your first victory.

[944] And Ila hits pause, and she goes, how great is that nap right after you hit snooze, though?

[945] It is pretty fun.

[946] I go, hang on, you're missing the point.

[947] You can listen to this whole speech.

[948] He's with Casey Nystatt when he's telling this speech.

[949] He's with Casey Nystatt.

[950] And so I hit it, and then he goes, and then you've got a victory under your belt.

[951] Then you go to the gym, and you work out, and I go, you listen to this, Isla, And she goes, yeah.

[952] And he goes, and then when you go to the work, now you've got two victories.

[953] You've worked out and you've woken up on time.

[954] He didn't hit that snooze button.

[955] So when you go into that break room and you see donuts and she hits the pause, she goes, if he's about to say no to donuts, I'm done listening.

[956] I go, he's definitely going to say no to donuts.

[957] Do you think he's going to have a donut?

[958] And she goes, you like this guy?

[959] I go, I fucking love him.

[960] And she goes, do you think he'd like you?

[961] And I go, what do you mean?

[962] She goes, dad, you hit snooze, you skip working out and you love donuts.

[963] And I'm like, yeah, you're making a good fucking point.

[964] I go, but.

[965] But I do love that, like, I love to watch that brain work and go, like, like, I don't, I don't hit snooze.

[966] Like, I don't hit snooze now.

[967] I go, fuck it, because I'm up.

[968] But I, and then, and then I go to the gym every single morning.

[969] I go to the gym every single morning.

[970] And today's National Donut Day, I didn't have a donut.

[971] And so, like, I, like, I try to apply these a little bit because I, I mean, the other side of me is, like, tonight, after we do this, I'll do another podcast.

[972] and then I'm going to call the Ann and go, yo, we're in Beverly Hills.

[973] Meet me out here.

[974] Let's go have drinks.

[975] Let's go have fucking couple Campari sprits.

[976] I -lis over to friends' house and overnight.

[977] Let's get some edibles and let's fucking have a night about it.

[978] Get some sushi.

[979] Go have sex in the hot tub.

[980] And I got to work out at fucking 10 in the morning.

[981] I got to tell you, that nap when you press snooze.

[982] Is the sweetest.

[983] That's my victory.

[984] First victory is pressing snooze and getting the nap onto the belt.

[985] Have you ever had?

[986] I had, so this morning I didn't work out.

[987] I'd press at like five in the morning until about six.

[988] You're going hard right now.

[989] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[990] And then I had a podcast.

[991] I saw you flew to Austin.

[992] I was like, what?

[993] Yeah.

[994] What?

[995] Just run around theaters and now you're back.

[996] Yeah, running around theaters to do, to promote the movie.

[997] And then look, you only get one shot at these movies.

[998] So you might as well do it.

[999] And look, it's really hard to get people to go into a movie theater right now.

[1000] And so I woke up.

[1001] like six did five or six to seven did press and then I went and I said and I'm really into a podcast history podcast right now and I was listening to this one about the Conquistadors and I was and I was like before when I woke up I was like I wouldn't mind going back to that and I said I'll tell you what I'm going to take a little nap and go now I slept good last I slept like seven hours last night boy that 30 minute nap it felt like Like five hours, and I woke up going, I got to readjust my sleep score.

[1002] That has to be in the 97.

[1003] That's the best fucking nap.

[1004] Those little snooze naps are monsters.

[1005] You know, there's, I don't care.

[1006] That's probably for me, one of the peak experiences of life is those naps.

[1007] I don't know what that is.

[1008] Have you ever slept in a tour bus?

[1009] A tour bus versus a regular bus?

[1010] Like a tour bus, like meaning like in a bunk.

[1011] No. I've taken a lot of buses in my life, though.

[1012] What you mean, like, just like a, like a Greyhound?

[1013] Those are very different.

[1014] And, uh, public transit.

[1015] Listen, they, that's just part of, part of life and a Greyhound.

[1016] I was on a Greyhound one time.

[1017] I was on a Greyhound one time, right, when Notorious B .I .G's album came out in college.

[1018] And I was going from Tallahassee down to Tampa.

[1019] And the dude got on the tour bus, got on the bus next to me, black dude.

[1020] And he sat down.

[1021] said where you headed and i said tampa he said you grow up in tampa i said yeah i said you and he goes yeah i said you go to school of fam and because of fam you and floristay of the two schools one's black one's white and he goes no i just got a prison i said you got a prison and he goes yeah yeah man i got out i stabbed the dude and and uh and i've been prison i just got out today he goes what you listening to i said notorious big and he goes oh shit that's out and i went yeah and he goes i want to hear it can i hear it and i was like yeah And he used my headsets to the whole bus ride to Tampa.

[1022] I didn't have the, I was like, he stabbed him.

[1023] They're yours now, I guess.

[1024] And then I just sat next to him and, I was like, is you enjoying it?

[1025] He's like, this is good.

[1026] No, tour bus naps.

[1027] Yeah.

[1028] When you're in a bunk, it's ice cold.

[1029] Bus isn't moving.

[1030] Five o 'clock, like we work out from like up until like five o 'clock, five 30.

[1031] Show starts at seven.

[1032] But that five o 'clock to six, six -thirty nap, it's pitch black.

[1033] It's like a coffin.

[1034] and it is ice cold and you got all your pillows and blankets in there and you put a little history podcast on in the corner and you just listen to like Kurtman Bashi or like oh my god so you're talking about like 5, 6 p .m. for a 7 p .m. show oh it's the best nap you'll ever have you wake up so refreshed yeah like I've woken up from naps like where I'm like fuck yeah like they're those those tour bus naps are the best naps yeah I think having a a full productive day, and then like 5, 6 p .m., you do a nap, and then you do something really stressful after that, like really hyper, like a show.

[1035] But if I do, like, I really like doing podcasts, like late at night after a nap.

[1036] I think I fucked up my podcast rhythm, because we're doing them in the day.

[1037] Yeah.

[1038] And so sometimes I'm just like, like, if I work out the morning, I'm good on a podcast, but if I don't work out, I suck on a podcast.

[1039] And I'm just like, uh -huh, yeah.

[1040] Yeah.

[1041] That's cool.

[1042] No, I, I'm, my favorite is, I used to do this a lot.

[1043] I haven't done it in a while is a full busy day, nap at home, box of wine on the treadmill, and do that until like midnight watching TV, box a wine.

[1044] Boxing wine on a treadmill.

[1045] It's the best.

[1046] Wait, how are you sipping it, Jake?

[1047] You have a glass, but you have a box.

[1048] The box fits on the corner on the treadmill.

[1049] So you got a little spicket.

[1050] Yeah.

[1051] And you just sit there and just put on, like, guys grocery games or like, it's just something, it's like a, you walk in or are you running?

[1052] I walk.

[1053] I walk in, like a three, five.

[1054] So what will happen is if you start a three, start a three, casual walk, 20 minutes you're getting a mile in.

[1055] And then you're going to feel loose.

[1056] Get up to a three, five.

[1057] You can do seven miles on these things and just, and you're just enjoying your night, especially like my wife, back in the day when we lived in our old house, my wife would come into the man cave and she sat on the couch and we watched TV together.

[1058] Yeah.

[1059] And, like, watch Game of Thrones.

[1060] and you're just like for an hour and you just get on the treadmill and do it.

[1061] Oh man, I loved.

[1062] I haven't done that as much lately.

[1063] That was the fucking thing.

[1064] So you can lose yourself.

[1065] You can forget yourself.

[1066] You forget you're on a treadmill.

[1067] And you just start like walking and you're sweating and you're having wine.

[1068] And then at certain points you're like you start jogging, especially like are we watching not all quiet on the restaurant front.

[1069] What's the one where they've got to get the message to the front line?

[1070] I would run like I was in World War II.

[1071] Yeah.

[1072] I would run when they would run.

[1073] And it was fucking awesome.

[1074] And I would be like, because they were doing drinks.

[1075] They'd be like, take a drink.

[1076] You got to run up there.

[1077] And I'd be like, okay.

[1078] Yeah.

[1079] I'm really into, I'm really into history podcast right now.

[1080] Like, I've been in them for a while.

[1081] 20th century or everything?

[1082] Everything.

[1083] Everything.

[1084] I listened to, um, was it Marcus Aurelius and Cleopatra?

[1085] Mm -hmm.

[1086] Today.

[1087] Uh, in the middle of the podcast, they're like, you know, Just so you know, Cleopatra wasn't as hot as everyone says.

[1088] I was like, why are you saying that?

[1089] You know, tell me she's a six.

[1090] She looks like Snooki.

[1091] Yeah.

[1092] Like, I, let me dream that she looks like Kim Kardashian.

[1093] And then I listen to that one today.

[1094] I listen to World War II a lot.

[1095] Oh.

[1096] A lot of books on World War II, a lot of podcasts about it.

[1097] What's your favorite theater, the Pacific or European?

[1098] No, European.

[1099] Pacific, well, because my family, so much of it has died in that theater.

[1100] So it's a person.

[1101] So much of it.

[1102] I hate to sound cliche, like a Marlon Schwarzening in an 80s movie, but it's personal.

[1103] Well, you know what I find funny about that?

[1104] Yeah.

[1105] Is Lenin.

[1106] It was Lenin, right?

[1107] John Lennon?

[1108] No, no, no. Was it, Lenin was World War II, right?

[1109] Or was it Stalin?

[1110] Stalin, Stalin, Stalin thought him and Hitler would be friends.

[1111] Yeah.

[1112] I think that's so cute that he was like, we're going to be buddies.

[1113] Yeah.

[1114] Like, we're boys.

[1115] Yeah.

[1116] And then Hitler's like, oh, fuck you.

[1117] I'm Hitler, bro.

[1118] This is what I do.

[1119] Well, at first he was like, fuck, yeah.

[1120] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.

[1121] Hey, then call me, call me. Better yet, I'll show up in winter.

[1122] How's that sound?

[1123] Yeah.

[1124] That, uh, I find that all of that so fascinating.

[1125] When I was a kid, I had a hard time understanding how, because we were always at war with Russia when I was a kid, and I had a hard time understanding how we could be on the same team as Russia in World War II.

[1126] And I was like, wait, how did that turn south?

[1127] And then you listen to a podcast.

[1128] Yeah, I'm, that, all of that, all of that, like, all of the World War II, I got really into the Pacific shit for a while, but I'm really deep in the, in, in the whole, we, we went to Normandy from the cliffs of Dover and to think, so that's the fucking beach.

[1129] That's the fucking beach.

[1130] Oh, shit, this is cold as fuck.

[1131] These dudes jumped in ice cold.

[1132] and this isn't like a cool beach like this is and it's just so insane to and then to see like the it's pretty intense I don't know why I got into history late in life I wasn't I was kind of into it but I'm really into it now and I love just learning a little something about you know today was I listened to like the noisor has a great history stuff it's like history for dummies I think like I get to I can't listen to the really smart stuff starts losing me too many names and i'm gone yeah well dan carlin's always the best your podcast with dan carlin yeah was so fucking good he is he is i mean i only know about martin luther because of dan carlin i only know like i would have i made a joke about some lutheran the other day and everyone laughed and i was like did you guys listen to the same podcast i did because i just am quoting dan carlin i that his podcast i mean we all quoted the same shit about uh gangis con about how he could shoot a dove off a horseback but we knew that all four hoofs had to be off the ground at the same time they shot they would sometimes take their meat and stick it under their saddles and that i mean dan carlin is he is the motherfucker yeah god those were man discovering podcast was the coolest time of my life and The interesting thing about him is audio, and so it's the voice.

[1133] So for me, I mean, everybody has a story with a prostitute in a motel.

[1134] Dan Carlin was my prostitute in the motel.

[1135] I invited him to a motel.

[1136] I don't even remember in the middle of nowhere.

[1137] He shows up with that voice.

[1138] And the rest is history.

[1139] So good.

[1140] Things they will never know what happened.

[1141] Oh, boy, did he like.

[1142] No, just kidding.

[1143] I'm really running with us.

[1144] Yes, we did.

[1145] We got along.

[1146] I mean, he's an incredible.

[1147] kind and thoughtful person, constantly self -critical thinking he's not good enough.

[1148] He just works on those episodes forever.

[1149] Forever.

[1150] And he just thinks that there's these, just like with Goggins, there's these other historians that I think like weigh on him, like they're going to judge him or something like this in his mind.

[1151] I talked about, I talked to it with him about Daniel Petellian, and I guess his thing is, I guess his hang -up is, Carlin's is, he's not like this, like, he doesn't feel like he's a real historian.

[1152] But he is.

[1153] Yeah.

[1154] I mean, he's the way he shares the story.

[1155] Look, we had a history teacher in seventh grade who was a con artist.

[1156] And he came and taught her seventh grade and it was a whole con artist.

[1157] All he taught us about was barnstorming, barnstorming and the JFK assassination.

[1158] I walked away having such an appreciation for barnstorming, a very small blip on a Americana, but I know a lot about barnstorming because of this guy, because he was passionate about barnstorming.

[1159] It was a fun of seventh grade history class I'll ever take in my entire life.

[1160] You mentioned tour bus.

[1161] What's the best road trip you've been on?

[1162] Have you driven across the country?

[1163] Just you?

[1164] No. We had one road trip in college where a bar had burned down, and we found out that the alcohol was still in the bar.

[1165] Yeah.

[1166] So we took my Jetta over to the bar and we emptied out the bar of all the burnt up liquor.

[1167] We didn't know what anything was.

[1168] We threw it into the trunk with no clothes, like no clothes.

[1169] And we said, let's just start driving.

[1170] And we drove from Tallahassee and ended up in West Virginia and just drove.

[1171] Just drove.

[1172] It was like five dudes.

[1173] We drank.

[1174] One person drove.

[1175] I wasn't a big drink.

[1176] And this sounds like going to crazy.

[1177] I wasn't a big drinker in college until I went to Russia.

[1178] and so I drove the majority of the way and then we'd get somewhere and we'd get a hotel room and it was one of the most epic fucking weekends of just debauchery and chaos and I think we took mushrooms and we went down a river in tubes so it's most about the bond between the five people versus like throwing yourself into meeting like strangers and this kind of stuff yeah and it was when I was like I was trying to be a poet at that time.

[1179] And so, like, we were...

[1180] Actual poetry?

[1181] Yeah, it was a really bad part of my life.

[1182] Well, you were like, music is there, too, somewhere.

[1183] Yeah, I tried to be in a band, too.

[1184] That didn't work out the way I wanted it, too.

[1185] I just was never...

[1186] I always was...

[1187] I was never the...

[1188] I'm not a good, serious person.

[1189] Like, I'm a good, funny person.

[1190] I'm good to be the fool.

[1191] But I'm not good.

[1192] When I try to be serious, it looks foolish.

[1193] And so, even, like, you know, someone said, showed me throwing out the first pitch the other day as something, and all I can see is my...

[1194] gut flying everywhere and I was like that's why it went viral I was like fuck I thought it was my throwing style that was a pretty epic one the best road trips I ever took was during the pandemic during the pandemic when we were when we were doing that drive -in movie theater tour I created a drive -in movie theater tour when no one was working and the very first one we all no one had left our houses we all went to my house we got my tour bus we had just wrapped the day the tour bus showed up we just wrapped the cabin just wrapped the cabin on netflix and we got covid tested we got in the tour bus and we said let's create our bubble and stay safe and that night we drove i think just outside uh gallop and we stayed in a and no one had been outside and we stayed at a at a at a a coa camp on arrival and we watched thunderstorms come in on a lake and we were all smoking cigars and drinking IPAs and it was fucking mad and that whole road trip we rode tripped across the country to start the tours and then we just and we were outside for the first time and we were and it was that period of my life I'm so grateful I didn't make a ton of money because we had a big crew and I made sure I was trying to make sure everyone because no one had paid bills in a while but that fucking tour was the funnest we took up pickleball we took up disc golf everything was wide open in the middle of the country you could do things but we were still in our bubble and we lived in that tour bus and at night we just get back in the tour bus by ourselves and get fucking wasted and I mean that fucking run it'll nothing will ever be like that yeah because you like rediscovered the humanity the camaraderie because the pandemic kind of killed that they suffocated us from like their basic connection yeah and it And there was this, you always had an anxiety attack halfway through that you got COVID.

[1195] And this is when, you know, COVID was killing people.

[1196] And you were like, I know I've got COVID.

[1197] And then we'd come in to Sedona.

[1198] And this is also why I didn't make a ton of money.

[1199] We'd come in to Sedona and we'd get a house in Sedona for five days, an Airbnb.

[1200] And we'd all isolate there before we went home to our families.

[1201] Yeah.

[1202] I remember the first time we did it, we didn't isolate.

[1203] We just pulled back into L .A. and all our families were freaked out.

[1204] So I had to stay, live on the tour bus.

[1205] in at a different house and it was fourth of july and i came in and they were doing an egg toss and they're like well you can do an egg toss then this is how bad my anxiety gets you can do an egg toss with your daughter ila so i and i did an egg toss and we fucking got it to like legit like 40 fucking feet where i was throwing overhand lobbing them to her and the egg cracked in her hands and it broke over her face and i got in bed that night high on weed fucking drunk and I went what if I gave my daughter COVID from an egg toss?

[1206] I go that would be the most horrific way to kill a child she got it from an egg toss had broken her face her dad did COVID yeah I mean that's the scariest thing about COVID I think is not you dying but because of you somebody else dies oh I got it that's that's that's the fear I think that really like took hold on people that's why they were way more cautious than perhaps they needed to be.

[1207] It's just like, I don't want to be the guy that's responsible for killing somebody I love or somebody that somebody else loves.

[1208] Leanne gave everyone in our family COVID.

[1209] She came up to me and she gave me a hug after Christmas and gives me a hug.

[1210] I said, what's the matter?

[1211] She goes, I think I have COVID.

[1212] I go, bitch, six feet.

[1213] What fuck you doing?

[1214] Back it up, Fauci.

[1215] Like, fucking, and then she we went, when we went to all, and then, and then she had it and it went away and we're all fine and we're like okay we're like we still go to park city so we all go to park city then georgia gets covid and then georgia starts crying and she goes i think i gave you COVID and i was like i'm fine she goes you're in high risk and i'm like what she's like you're a fat alcoholic i'm like whoa easy where the fuck what about feelings yeah and then georgia got covid me and i live were still in park city leann had it my tour bus came up picked Georgia up, Georgia and Leanne took him back to LA, and I were, Ila and I were there, and I tested, and then we got on the plane, and I cough, and Ila's got her mask on, and I just looks at me, you know, the best, the one thing we miss are the eyes over masks, yeah, the, yeah, and then we get home and I had COVID, and I was like, if you gave me fucking COVID, and then she never got COVID, she never got COVID.

[1216] You mentioned IPAs, what's the lay of the land of great beers in, in this, expensive world of ours.

[1217] I like Pilsners.

[1218] I'm a Pilsner guy.

[1219] I'm an ice cold beer guy.

[1220] Ice cold Pilsner.

[1221] I like an ice cold beer.

[1222] I like an ice cold.

[1223] One of the best beer buzzes I ever had is we had bought a new house, but we weren't building it.

[1224] And over COVID, I didn't drink for like three months, four months, until we decided to go back out on tour and we figured that out.

[1225] And I was in the backyard, and Leanne came back with like two tall boy German Pilsners.

[1226] And cracked them.

[1227] She goes, this type of beer.

[1228] And I was like, fuck yeah.

[1229] And man, that second, that beer buzz is different than anything.

[1230] Because the second it, it touches you, you feel the sparkle.

[1231] And you're just like, yeah, I'm back.

[1232] And then she's like, you want another one?

[1233] I'm like, fuck yeah.

[1234] And then we have another one.

[1235] And then that beer buzz is, especially afternoon beer buzz, is just so pretty.

[1236] It's different than a night beer buzz.

[1237] A night beer buzz is like, oh, I guess we'll have a, beer and then I'm a couple I got to go to work tomorrow all right but that afternoon irresponsible beer buzz yeah Pilsner Pilsner there's I don't mind an IPA but it's got to be out of it's got to I got to be at somewhere I got to be at somewhere I got to have an IP like I like a local IPA it's got to be food involved and then I'm enjoying an IPA I threw up an IPA in a bathtub in a Salt Lake City one time it was a bad what do you mean oh you throw up in the bathtub okay no no no no I was drinking in the bathtub.

[1238] Like a bathtub with some water in it?

[1239] No, no, no, no. You're sitting in a bathtub?

[1240] No, I'm getting ready to take a shower.

[1241] And I had a growler of IPA.

[1242] It's about six in the morning.

[1243] I have to fly that day to Vegas to jump off the stratosphere.

[1244] All I need is a little bit of a buzz to get myself on this fucking plane.

[1245] I have anxiety going through my fucking head because I'm going to be the first person to jump off stratosphere.

[1246] And so I'm drinking an IPA out of a growler and a bathtub at six in the morning.

[1247] and it just didn't sit right and I threw it up and I was off IPAs for like 10 fucking years I didn't have another IPA until I was like 46 because I was like all I could think about was throwing up that IPA in a bathtub in a shower and being like I'm gonna throw up thinking about it but yeah I don't I didn't fuck with IPAs for a while and then during the pandemic I got it I got back into IPAs I was that way with Jack and Coke Jack Daniels and Coke really got so drunk many, many years ago that just couldn't look at it for a few years.

[1248] I can't touch, what's Janice Joplin's drink?

[1249] Southern Comfort.

[1250] I can't touch Southern Comfort.

[1251] She's just drinking straight?

[1252] Well, Southern Comfort is at 40%.

[1253] That's hard.

[1254] No, it's almost like a liqueur.

[1255] Honestly, it's really sweet.

[1256] Jack, double Jack on the Rocks, lots of rocks.

[1257] I mean, I had a quote that, I got a video that went viral about, I'll never quit drinking.

[1258] Yeah.

[1259] And I have not gotten on a plane since that without having a flight attendant, not even to ask what I want, walk up with a double jack on the rocks, lots of rocks.

[1260] I mean, it happens so on times I don't want to drink.

[1261] Yeah.

[1262] I flew to Austin the other day.

[1263] I was like, I'm not drinking on the plane because I felt sick.

[1264] Yeah.

[1265] And man, he walked up and he goes, double jack on the rocks, lots of rocks.

[1266] I was like, fuck, you know it.

[1267] Yeah.

[1268] But yeah, that's my drink.

[1269] Wait, what's your drink?

[1270] I thought you'd be a vodka guy.

[1271] Well, vodka, I associate with a lot of moments in my life of happiness because vodka is associated with shots and camaraderie.

[1272] And there's Eastern Europe in general, a bunch of guys get together and you celebrate life intensely.

[1273] Yeah.

[1274] People fight.

[1275] People just feel.

[1276] People experience life in a deep way.

[1277] You just get too drunk for, like, for a reason.

[1278] but I don't see that as like drinking, drinking.

[1279] That's like a journey towards a destination.

[1280] It's like, to me, drinking is like whiskey neat or beer, like you said, ice cold beer.

[1281] There's that afternoon beer.

[1282] Like for a person like me who's extremely regimented and disciplined, sometimes you get to a situation.

[1283] I just remember, I mean, just, I remember there's a bar at MIT where I just remember in the afternoon there was like a business meeting.

[1284] And I sat down, we just started with a beer, and they were like really crisply cold, some kind of lager.

[1285] And then just one beer and two beers.

[1286] And all of a sudden you say, fuck it.

[1287] Let's just, the rest of the day, this is what this is.

[1288] And you said bright, like, you just life and nature is beautiful out there.

[1289] And you just said, fuck it to all the meetings, fuck it to everything else, just the camaraderie, the, just talking about life, being silly, being, you know, all of that see that see you're describing something i'll never get because i'm not regimented i would love i would love i would love only for the moment that you get to have you get the most precious little angel's breath that anyone's going to get because you live this life that's dialed in and it's scheduled and so when you say fuck it it's like that's like me doing coke like it's like oh fuck it And you can just do that with beer.

[1290] That is fucking amazing.

[1291] I would love to live a regimented life just to get the chance to go, hey, guys, I'm not performing surgery today.

[1292] Fuck it.

[1293] Hey, guys, this bus full of kids, kids got to drive itself home.

[1294] Fuck it.

[1295] I couldn't even tell you, you know, it's so interesting about me and you, you know, you know, I'm a fan of yours.

[1296] I couldn't even, I don't really know what AI.

[1297] is like other than like dildos are a right like like if it has some electronics in it no I don't think a dildo classifies as a robot because I thought that's how they were going to take over fucking mankind just well they start with these the fucking womanizer that knows how to eat a pussy and then they're like we don't need men anymore but like it's so interesting that I couldn't even like I can barely tell you what my dad does for a living he's a lawyer I could kind of like he's called me and say, hey, man, you got to stop talking about what I do because you're not doing it right.

[1298] I go, what do you mean?

[1299] It's like, whatever you're saying I do, I don't do.

[1300] And so, but like I couldn't even begin to explain your job to my daughter.

[1301] Well, I think there's the way you do the job, which is the way you experience life, the regimented, just, even just a 9 to 5 job, right?

[1302] Do you work 9 to 5?

[1303] No, but I work much more than that.

[1304] Yeah.

[1305] But there's no, every kind of lifestyle has.

[1306] it's complexities.

[1307] I think 9 to 5 means you have to wake up at a certain time every day.

[1308] Do people tell you to pull it back and then like, hey, you're working too hard?

[1309] Yeah, a lot of people.

[1310] What I want in my life, what I love in my life, especially people close to me are the ones that say work harder.

[1311] Because everybody...

[1312] How do you get them?

[1313] How do you get them?

[1314] I don't have anyone in my life that does that.

[1315] Everybody's always worried about me. Yeah, everyone's worried about me. Everyone's always worried about me. The only thing...

[1316] No one ever says, if I showed you my DMs right now, my text...

[1317] all it is like hey man I'm worried about you yeah like Joe I love Joe to death not once has he he always I don't know if you've seen the caring Joe eyes where like I'm worried about you where it's like you're like man don't do that and he's like I'm worried about you and you're like don't fucking worry about me I'm working it's I'm just working I love working I love what I do I love what I do I can only imagine that you love what you do as I love what I do because that's all I ever want to think about it's all everyone want to talk about it's all i ever want to be like i i i i when my wife wants me to take uh august in whatever the august whatever the fuck another month is september that's goes after i'm not after i'm no but like july and august off after we do fully loaded and i was like no i was like what do you mean like so like well i'll just what am i like sitting a chair and stuff she's like no you can do like take up a hobby i go writing jokes can i get on stage can i do sets in the city, because I'm not going to fucking, do you want me to, like, like, I don't understand, I don't understand people who don't, I don't understand people who don't have the drive to work all the time.

[1318] I don't understand that.

[1319] I envy it, I envy it because I go, I would love to just be like, I'm going to play video games.

[1320] I can't play a video game.

[1321] If I did, I'd be on Twitch trying to make money.

[1322] Like, I love, how do you find someone who goes, you need to work harder?

[1323] Yeah.

[1324] Especially when they see, like, I don't know what you look like, but I, I look tormented when I'm working very hard.

[1325] Like, it means, like, it's easy to worry for my well -being.

[1326] It's not like I'm happy, go lucky, but I'm happy underneath it.

[1327] My working too hard is, like, on a plane every other day or every day, getting up at six, working out, and then going until, like, two in the morning, or one in the morning, and then going to sleep, and then getting up at six, working out, getting on a plane, going to another place.

[1328] Like, that's what my working is just a lot of travel in mind.

[1329] If I didn't drink on planes, I don't think anyone would probably worry about me at all.

[1330] They'd be like, no, you're doing great.

[1331] But the working out is there.

[1332] So I got to ask you, because you and I seem to have a similar relationship with running.

[1333] I like this idea of slow treadmill.

[1334] I like running slow.

[1335] Yeah.

[1336] You know, like a 10 -minute mile or something like this.

[1337] So I'll just run forever.

[1338] Just listen to an audio book, listen to brown noise.

[1339] Think.

[1340] I love it.

[1341] What's brown noise?

[1342] It's actually brownian noise, but short brown noise.

[1343] kind of like white noise, but deeper.

[1344] So it's just noise like shh, that.

[1345] Oh, wow.

[1346] It kind of sounds like a waterfall.

[1347] I'll just listen to it, and something happens to me. I think there's, you can ask Huberman about this, I don't know, but apparently there's some science that kind of focuses the mind and so on.

[1348] It's funny because I think sometimes people don't get about running is they go, they get on and they put it on like a six right away on like a treadmill, and they go, I can't do this for fucking 30 minutes.

[1349] But you can, if you build your.

[1350] yourself up to your six and you play games I play games with myself a lot like I'll play games where I go um I and I can do this I can do this almost not all day long but I can do this a lot longer like I did it for two hours the other day before my workout or no hour and a half before my workout where I started a 3 .5 walking and then I and then I get my jog up to like a 5 .5 then I go 6 and then I go and once I'm at a 6 my body's really loose And so then I'll go, all right, bring it down to a 3 .5.

[1351] And then I go, punch it to a 7 .5 for a quarter of a mile.

[1352] And then let's walk at a 4.

[1353] Let's jog at a 5.

[1354] I can do that.

[1355] I love, they're called fartlets, I think.

[1356] And I love those, like where it's like, it's regimented running and sprinting at certain levels.

[1357] I love that.

[1358] And I love also when I work out to listen to music, but put on foreign language cooking shows on Netflix.

[1359] Can you explain that?

[1360] They just put it on mute.

[1361] You don't need to hear it.

[1362] For some reason, they're sexier.

[1363] The way they're shot, they're sexier.

[1364] Yeah.

[1365] And it's like street food Asia, and they're just watching them make street food in Asia.

[1366] There's one called broth.

[1367] It's called broth, the nation of broth.

[1368] And they're just making broths.

[1369] And you're like, fuck, I want some broth.

[1370] So this is South America, this Asia.

[1371] South America, Asia.

[1372] They do one on pizzas.

[1373] I've watched this one on pizzas.

[1374] I've watched it.

[1375] There's like four episodes.

[1376] I've watched every episode so many times that my, trainer goes god that's that fucking i would i could watch that again yeah um i love watching foreign language cooking shows on mute when i work out while blasting music while blasting hip she's there on all right well i usually run outside but i do oh i can't i don't mind hiking and i like i do like i do like you know what my fun thing the fun thing i would do and this is a this is ripped off totally from cam haines is i like to go uh there's a great hike called Friamon Canyon out in the valley where I live And I'd be like, all right, I'm going to run to Fremont Canyon, I'm going to jogging Canyon, I'm going to jogging Canyon, I'm going to jogging Canyon, and then I'm going to jog back And I wonder how long that is.

[1377] And I go, don't think about it.

[1378] Just know that that's your thing.

[1379] Just know that that's your thing.

[1380] And then a sudden you're like, shit, that was eight miles.

[1381] You're like, that's a fucking beast.

[1382] The hike doesn't even feel like anything.

[1383] The hike, once you do the jog, it's a hard part there.

[1384] The jog home is a fucking kegwalk.

[1385] I had the best jog.

[1386] When I was in Serbia, I had the best jog.

[1387] I think it was in Hyde Park.

[1388] I think the name of the park's Hyde Park.

[1389] It was, get this, it was 80 % downhill.

[1390] Wow.

[1391] So this jog, you started the park, and it was like, and I'll do it like this for you.

[1392] You went like downhill like this, downhill like this, downhill like this, and then it was like a little steep incline to get to the beginning of it.

[1393] So it was like a little like nice like lower back pain.

[1394] And you're like, okay, okay.

[1395] And then the jog was perfect.

[1396] And you did it four times.

[1397] It was four miles.

[1398] I loved it.

[1399] My very first day I did it, a butterfly got in front of me. It's like six in the morning.

[1400] Yeah, six in the morning.

[1401] And the butterfly got in front of me. And it ran the whole first mile in front of me. And I just, it was like so surreal.

[1402] It would disappear and then it would show back up in front of me. You sure was real?

[1403] Definitely real.

[1404] And then the next day, and so I go, I'm on the right path.

[1405] I'm on the right path.

[1406] The next day I go for a jog, six in the morning.

[1407] And it rained.

[1408] And as I'm doing this deep up.

[1409] Pilk Incline, a tree collapsed in front of me, just went, and I went, whoa, a tree fell in the woods and I was here to see it.

[1410] Shut the fuck up.

[1411] I was like, that's crazy.

[1412] And it didn't hit me. I go, I'm on the right path.

[1413] And then I started getting overthinking it, like, the next day I saw a condom.

[1414] And I was like, this is a good place of doing.

[1415] I was like, people fucked here last night.

[1416] But yeah, that was one of the best jogs I've ever had.

[1417] I could do that.

[1418] I could run that park every single day.

[1419] And no one jogged that park in Serbia.

[1420] I actually recently had a condom on my doorstep.

[1421] and I wanted to ask whoever is up there above what that means, what the, you know, what the story behind that is.

[1422] Yeah.

[1423] You know?

[1424] Just a pissed off UPS guy.

[1425] I, I just, was it compromised?

[1426] What do you mean compromised?

[1427] Like, was there stuff inside it?

[1428] Oh, I didn't look.

[1429] I mean, very few people put on the condom and go, it's not for me. I'm going to take it off.

[1430] It's a little tight.

[1431] Well, it could be to send a message, like a horse's head kind of thing.

[1432] Oh, yeah.

[1433] I don't know.

[1434] I don't know what the message is exactly.

[1435] Exactly.

[1436] Do you use condoms?

[1437] If you had one next time, would you use a condom?

[1438] I don't know what a condom is.

[1439] I never heard of it.

[1440] I'm learning.

[1441] Good call.

[1442] I'm learning.

[1443] I've learned about sex from you today.

[1444] If my wife dies, there's no condoms in my future.

[1445] I'll get it.

[1446] I don't care.

[1447] Have babies.

[1448] I don't give a shit.

[1449] You're man of principle.

[1450] I like it.

[1451] Mark Marin wrote something about your book many, many, many ages ago, life of the party.

[1452] I think there's an interesting question in there.

[1453] So, first of all, wrote eloquently about you.

[1454] Burr Kreischer is one of the great American wild men, a gonzo warrior driven not by cynicism or a desire to reveal a dark truth, but instead by a deep, almost essential need to have a good time, no matter what.

[1455] His stories track the trials and tribulations of a big -hearted dude trying to fit in, help out, and party and find himself.

[1456] After all is said and done, we arrive with him at the true humility of joy.

[1457] So when was this desire?

[1458] for pure joy born in you.

[1459] It seems like you are driven towards this joy.

[1460] Yeah, I think, I think I arrived at it in college.

[1461] I wasn't always the guy I am.

[1462] I was really a pretty serious dude, like when I got to college.

[1463] Like dark brooding serious?

[1464] Yeah, I wanted to be like, I wanted to be like Eddie Vedder.

[1465] I wanted to be like a poet and a fucking lead singer, and I wanted to be taken seriously, and I wanted to be attractive, and I wanted to be, you know, like, I wanted to be wanted by chicks and respected by dudes and you know and slowly but surely I think the bird I really am chipped away at that and was like hey man like I would say funny I would say funny things that would surprise me they were so funny meaning like in my fraternity I'd say things that were the funniest thing that I go how did I think of that and then slowly I was like and I remember as I chipped away at that and as I got older I would I would I would lean towards that we would go on a bus trip to like Clemson and I would get on the the walkie talking on the bus and I would do stand up for like an hour I just make jokes for an hour and I loved the impulse of like you know you get on the bus and everyone's like we're going to drink and you get that one group of girls that wasn't going to drink and And then to break them.

[1466] And they're like, oh, fuck it, fine, let's drink.

[1467] And then that, to watch that happen.

[1468] And I think then once I, and then when I went to Russia, this is so cliche for me to say.

[1469] But interacting with those young banditti, they were, they were pretty serious dudes.

[1470] They didn't have, like, they were pretty stoic dudes.

[1471] And when you could make them laugh, it was like a real, it was a real joy, the silliest things.

[1472] I remember, you know, we were told there was a club, it was called Cafe or Europa or maybe Cafe Americana.

[1473] There was where everyone really hung out, like all the real dudes, the real dudes in St. Petersburg.

[1474] And they had told us that, like, they told us in our class that Russian women didn't have tampons.

[1475] So they were like, bring tampons to give to the babushka, the Dubuchka that ran the floor.

[1476] after all this time the fact that your russian sucks is awesome yeah it's you keep mispronouncing words horribly i'm so fucking bad i am so bad you know that's how i got the name of the machine right yeah i was trying to say i'm machina yeah and i said i'm a car yeah and they just were like huh and so i came into the room one night with a top pocket full of tampons yeah and they were like what are those for i said girls how we're going to pick up girls and the look on their face was so it was so pure joy i remember the first night i brought out lemons and this is it sounds it sounds make -believe now to say it because it's been in the movie and yeah but i brought out lemons we were in lemon drops i had vodka and lemons and sugar and a pocket knife and a fanny pack and i put out lemons and this guy eager goes oh the machine runs on lemons like it was just so foreign that you would need lemon for them and so i i think and i made friends with those guys like i mean like friends whatever you can but like definitely me and that guy eager were legit friends legit friends like but from a place of joy like yeah like it was like it was like real seeing them light up and then I remember backpacking through Europe after that and realizing I could bring a spark of fun to like a campfire and I had little tricks like I learned all the currencies around the world and so I'd I challenged people to a currency game I go let's go head to head you say you name a country in the currency and I'll name a country in a currency and I would slow roll them I just do all the dollars right the Chinese dollar the American dollar the Australian dollar I'd run through all the dollars and they'd be like you only know the dollars and then I start getting really deep I could make an event out of a night in in Europe I could make an event I remember we were in Strausberg and the bar was supposed to close but I had friends coming to the bar they had the train hadn't gotten in in in yet.

[1477] And I said, I said, don't close the bar.

[1478] I'll stand on the bar and I'll entertain everyone in this room.

[1479] I'll dance.

[1480] I'll do whatever if you just keep the bar open.

[1481] And the guy goes, if you can keep me laughing, I'll keep the bar open.

[1482] And I danced and made this guy laugh on a bar for legit.

[1483] I'm not even like, legit 30 minutes until my friends walked in and they're like, what the fuck's going on?

[1484] I had this ability to without humility I didn't mind looking like a fool and like doing and there were really stupid jokes at the time just very like base American fratboy jokes but I had a spark and when I came back I feel I feel like I learned how to like to do that and do funny things that were like fun like I would we go to a football game and I'd brought a camera around with me a lot I like to take pictures and I remember one of the jokes I'd go is I go hey everybody I told my parents I have a lot of friends Can you guys gather around and we'll take a picture?

[1485] And so, you know, like, 50 people would lean around like, hey!

[1486] And like, just the dumbest, silliest things.

[1487] And I wasn't a big self -promoter.

[1488] So these would happen, and I was just doing them for me and my friends.

[1489] I'd bring a guitar out and I just make up songs.

[1490] And so I think in watching this serious bird get chipped away at, until my like six and a half year of college where it was just this silly guy and then Rolling Stones written about me and I'm like and then I'm like well and I remember a couple serious dads going you know you got a chance to turn this into something you need to go to you need to follow your dream and I tried to stand up the first night and I was like maybe not wasn't the funniest guy but man they laughed and we had a good time for 30 minutes and it worked and it was stream of consciousness and I was like yeah and then of course you know that same little path you take gets convoluted in New York because you want to be a serious comic and you want to be taken seriously and you want to be edgy and you want to say the and then slowly but surely that you're the real bert chips away at it and he's like yeah man just fucking take your shirt off and kill a beer yeah like fucking tell the machine stories tell a story about your stupid kids like just you don't need to be the fucking edgiest dude in the room leave that to the good ones let let bill and fucking Joe and Tom those are the legit fucking gangster comics there I mean those are the fucking you're never going to out fucking Chapelle.

[1491] Those guys are fucking gangsters.

[1492] Do what you do.

[1493] Have fun.

[1494] Make life fun and seize the day and fucking try to bring a spark to people and let them forget about their fucking day.

[1495] And the interesting thing about alcohol, I don't really like drinking in terms of the actual physical, like how it makes me feel, but there's the camaraderie that happens.

[1496] I wish there's another way to get there, but I don't think there is.

[1497] That joy you get of just everybody getting together.

[1498] taking shots or drinking.

[1499] Not the polite kind of drinking, but just everybody just, the fuck it kind of drinking.

[1500] Yeah.

[1501] And when someone goes, all right, I'm in.

[1502] Like that's the funnest.

[1503] And then, especially when you have a big group.

[1504] And there's like a big group.

[1505] And like we were at the premiere the other night.

[1506] And I was working.

[1507] I was legit working.

[1508] I'm trying to sell the movie to outlets, media outlets.

[1509] And bust them with the boys.

[1510] My wife flew them in to surprise me. And they're over on the red carpet.

[1511] And they're like, yo, let's skull a beer.

[1512] Let's kill a beer.

[1513] And I was like, oh.

[1514] And then I'm like, oh, fuck it.

[1515] I don't give a, this is what life's about.

[1516] At that moment where they're like, yeah, that's the funnest fucking, especially when I can get Leanne to do it, when I get Leanne to get a drink.

[1517] And she'll, and she's like, like, I wasn't supposed to drink last night.

[1518] And she was like, you want to just, we used to go have a glass wine in the front yard.

[1519] And you're like, oh, my heart skips a beat.

[1520] I go, glass wine in the front yard.

[1521] Are we going to talk wild?

[1522] Are we going to say crazy shit to each other?

[1523] Like, fuck yeah.

[1524] On the front yard.

[1525] Front yard, yeah.

[1526] What are you doing in the front yard?

[1527] Let the dogs play.

[1528] Oh.

[1529] Big trees in the front yard.

[1530] Why you're sitting on the, where were you sitting?

[1531] Sitting in the, Adirondacks on the front porch, letting the dogs play, letting the dogs rest in the front yard, maybe go over pick some cherries, look at the fucking trees, hear the wind going through the front yard.

[1532] And then you go to the backyard.

[1533] That's where the cigar comes out, a little more privacy.

[1534] But you have...

[1535] Red wine?

[1536] Red wine.

[1537] All back.

[1538] Keep our sulfites low.

[1539] Yeah, wine isn't a whole other one, too.

[1540] I feel sophisticated.

[1541] Oh, yeah.

[1542] I traveled before Ukraine, I went to Paris for the first time.

[1543] I drank wine there, and I felt like I was a sophisticated man, you know?

[1544] Dude.

[1545] He doesn't speak much French, but...

[1546] You don't need to.

[1547] You don't need to.

[1548] Just start smoking, too.

[1549] Just have a fucking cigarette.

[1550] I was going to start writing poetry, any Hemingway.

[1551] There's like a glass of wine.

[1552] in Italy and like uh like just out in like we went we went oh the most beautiful fucking day of my life just outside Florence they have all the vineyards and stuff and we took a Vespa tour and uh and it was fucking and Ila's too young to ride so she's on the back and now everyone can drink there you know you're not supposed to drink and drive Vespas but they don't They go, a glass of wine is nothing.

[1553] And you're like, okay.

[1554] I guess I'll have a couple then.

[1555] If you think one's nothing, then I think two's nothing also.

[1556] So this is drunk Bert on a Vespa?

[1557] Not even drunk, but just lightly, lightly feathered.

[1558] Yeah.

[1559] Where, and it's beautiful.

[1560] My wife hasn't been drinking.

[1561] Georgia has, George is too young.

[1562] Ila is too young.

[1563] But I had dinner, we had a couple.

[1564] And we're going through these hills and it starts raining.

[1565] And it starts raining.

[1566] And I go, Aila, what are we missing?

[1567] And she goes, music, big boy.

[1568] And I go, what do you want to hear?

[1569] And then she just starts going, Oka, Oka, Oka, Oka, Oka, Chaka, Oka, Oka, Oka, Oka, Oka, Oka, I can't stop this feeling.

[1570] She's screaming it behind.

[1571] And then I hear George is screaming it.

[1572] And then Leanne singing it.

[1573] And then Sandy and her two daughters are singing it.

[1574] We're all these Vespas, and we're all singing it.

[1575] And I swear to God, if I hadn't been lightly feathered, I don't know if I would have been like I don't know what are we missing because you know alcohol will give you that thing like what's next What's bigger?

[1576] How do we take this to the next level?

[1577] And then I got this little girl who's still my little girl at that moment when she's singing sing it all the good times aiming up so home yeah Yeah, girl and then we stop at the and we stop at the light and all of us are looking and it's pouring rain Ah Yeah, ooh, ooh, oh don't do the feeling don't it is I mean I remember sobbing crying sobbing crying sobbing crying and then I was like let's get these fucking Vespas up and get to a vineyard and then we went to a vineyard and all the girls tried a little wine no one got buzzed or anything but you're just sitting there with your family going like fuck dude and I'm not certain you get that without a little bit of a little bit but then a lot is also interesting I had a lot of whiskey with Rogan once I think I saw that I think I saw that with Whitney too and the push -up concert contest?

[1578] The only time I met David Goggins in person, one of the great embarrassments in my life is trashed out of my mind.

[1579] I'm trying to say how much of a fan I am, and I can tell by the look in his eye that what is actually coming out of my mouth is not good.

[1580] It's not good, and his wife is embarrassed, standing right there also.

[1581] Just everybody's embarrassed for me. Man, I'm trying my best, and then somehow I find myself a minute later doing push -ups with him.

[1582] There's a challenge.

[1583] I didn't, it wasn't counting.

[1584] All I knew, I'm not stopping.

[1585] And he was polite enough to stop.

[1586] I think probably like 50, I don't know.

[1587] There's a gift someone gives you when they get drunk and they allow you, they get drunk and they lower their guard and they allow you to see them that way.

[1588] It's a gift.

[1589] It's a real gift.

[1590] It's just as cool as like pulling someone aside and going, yo, I'm into anime.

[1591] Like, are you cool with that?

[1592] And then they're going, yeah, I'm, oh, yeah.

[1593] Can I show you some cool anime?

[1594] And then you're like, that's not my thing.

[1595] But it's like a cool thing.

[1596] It's like sharing cool music with someone or like telling them something about your childhood.

[1597] When you get drunk, like real drunk around someone, you're giving them a gift.

[1598] And that gift is, I want you to see me for everything I am.

[1599] You're not going to get any lies.

[1600] You're not going to get any bullshit.

[1601] This is me at my absolute worst.

[1602] I have a rule.

[1603] I will never, never get mad at someone for getting too fucked up.

[1604] Because they're giving you a gift.

[1605] They're saying like, yo, I did this on accident.

[1606] but I trust you enough to let you know that this is who I am and this is what you're getting.

[1607] I love it.

[1608] I love it, especially when it comes from someone you don't expect.

[1609] Like you, shut the fuck up.

[1610] David Gocken should have hugged you and said, thanks for showing me this.

[1611] Yeah, I guess, really haven't, you're right.

[1612] I haven't thought of it that way.

[1613] There's an intimacy to that.

[1614] That is a gift of, like, fragility.

[1615] Like, this is me. I mean, I'm a very loving drunk, but I'm, boy, am I a dumb drunk.

[1616] I'm just dumb drunk.

[1617] I bet you.

[1618] I bet you haven't seen dumb drunk.

[1619] Well, dumb in terms of the eloquence of the words that are coming out of my mouth.

[1620] So, like, you're just not stitching words together correctly to make sentences.

[1621] No. I turn into Hemingway Lawson translation.

[1622] Like, I'll start saying random words, but, like, translated to Japanese and back to English.

[1623] It's not making sense.

[1624] But there's love.

[1625] Like, I think what you feel is this kind of desire to connect that I think I always feel towards other people, but when I'm drunk, I'm just say, fuck it.

[1626] I don't need to be polite.

[1627] I'll just be loving fully.

[1628] Yeah, yeah, it's cool when people let you see that in them.

[1629] Because some people are really, like, measured.

[1630] Like, no, one drink, and then I'm done.

[1631] I don't want it, no, no, no, no. And you're like, show me a little more.

[1632] And then, like, it's cool.

[1633] And I never, like, and I love my favorite moments in the next morning when they're like, do I make an ass out of myself?

[1634] And you get to say, not at all.

[1635] Yeah.

[1636] Not at all.

[1637] That's the coolest thing because some people, bad people, will leverage that over it.

[1638] You can see it's a bully tactic.

[1639] They'll leverage that.

[1640] The bad interactions I've had in this business that we were talking about earlier, there were people that when you got fucked up, they used it against you.

[1641] They held it over your head and they said, listen, man, I don't know what the fuck, but if you want, and you're like, hold on.

[1642] And then they made you, they gaslight you into thinking, you were the only one that was fucked up.

[1643] And you're like, okay, I guess I know who you are now.

[1644] And I was like, didn't you get fucked up a little bit too?

[1645] Like, I know we smoked weed and I thought we ate Xanax, but like, what about the, I know I had a couple beers, but like, I wasn't that fucked up.

[1646] Well, Whitney is really good at that because she's the person I woke up next morning and she just said, you're wonderful, you were eloquent, you were great.

[1647] I'm sure she was making that up completely.

[1648] It was funny, I got blackout drunk at Whitney's roast of me, like blackout drunk.

[1649] Don't remember any of it.

[1650] And don't remember any of it.

[1651] Don't remember speaking on the microphone.

[1652] I don't remember talking in the microphone.

[1653] And I did this set, apparently.

[1654] Yeah.

[1655] And I said to Whitney, like in a real moment of vulnerability, Whitney's like a sister to me, like a legit sister.

[1656] My daughter's call her Aunt Whitney.

[1657] She's like a sister to Leanne.

[1658] If she comes over to do a podcast, Whitney will show up an hour early and sit with Leanne out in Leanne's Rose Garden and just talk.

[1659] And Whitney, I said the next day I called Whitney And I was getting on a plane And I knew I was hung over, I said, how bad was I last night?

[1660] She goes, you were fucking fantastic.

[1661] And just didn't let me sit with it.

[1662] And then I watched a video and I was like, oh, I was fucking out of control.

[1663] I was way out of control.

[1664] Thank you for lying to me. Yeah.

[1665] So while being a wild out there comic, she's also this like caring and loving human being.

[1666] So interesting.

[1667] She has the most nurturing sensibility.

[1668] She is, she sends my daughter's gifts out of nowhere.

[1669] Just out of nowhere, just send Georgia gifts up at college.

[1670] It's just a gift box.

[1671] Like, she is just, she takes care of people.

[1672] That's her love language, and she's also the person that taught me what, what the hell love language even means.

[1673] Apparently there's a book, and there's like five of them.

[1674] Oh, you and Whitney, I would love to sit in a fucking room and watch you two talk.

[1675] Yeah, she has a robot.

[1676] Yeah.

[1677] It looks like her.

[1678] And that's the future, that robot.

[1679] I told her she should have that robot do porn let someone fuck that robot and then and she gets deep fake the face if she wants but I go promote a special that way like a full on not like Showtime softcore porn like full on porn porn full on like the dude like she's like hi welcome inside you look tired do you need a drink oops I'm stuck in the dryer you know What's the promotion you're most proud of that you've done?

[1680] Without a doubt, it's got to be when I took dance lessons.

[1681] Yeah, that was epic.

[1682] Because I tried to get Joe and Tom and Ari to do it for Sober October.

[1683] I was reading for you.

[1684] And they said no. Joe's like absolutely not.

[1685] You knew Joe was going to say no. But Joe's a legit dancer.

[1686] Like, he can legit dance.

[1687] He took, like, dance lessons for a movie and is apparently an amazing dancer.

[1688] And so...

[1689] You're right.

[1690] He could have said yes.

[1691] He could have said yes.

[1692] Because I remember listening to that podcast.

[1693] guess where you really made the pitch.

[1694] Yeah, and I said, we all take hip -hop dance lessons.

[1695] It's, your cardio's through the roof.

[1696] And you do an hour dance lesson, then we all do a hip -hop dance, and then we all put our hip -top dances against each other, and we see who has the best hip -hop dance.

[1697] It's different than the typical stuff we do.

[1698] It's fun.

[1699] And we can also work out, we can do everything, but, like, let's do hip -hop dance.

[1700] And Joe Adam Lee was like, that's a horrible idea.

[1701] I will not do that.

[1702] And then Tom and Ari just, you know, just whatever.

[1703] They were like, yeah, I side with Joe.

[1704] We'll do something else.

[1705] And then I was like, but I knew I liked hip hop dance.

[1706] And so I was like, I'm going to take hip hop dance lessons anyway.

[1707] I'm going to just do it over sober October.

[1708] And I'm just going to, I'm going to fucking do it.

[1709] And then maybe I'll do a hip hop dance video and then show it to them and let them rate me. And then we did it.

[1710] And it was $1 ,200.

[1711] And I, for hip hop dance lessons for like a month or whatever for like a couple weeks.

[1712] And then when we did it, I thought, you know what?

[1713] I bet we could put tour dates next to this.

[1714] because it turned out being like kind of good but kind of funny I bet we could put tour dates next to this and it was the beginning of me figuring out the whole like my promos were short and quick and they were always like something silly what's up guys it's your boy Burke Kreisher and then that one blew up and immediately I was announcing the tour and immediately every tour date sold out and then every we added shows that day we added shows and every one of those sold out and I was like whoa and then Tom was like the fuck was that and I was like I think I just sold out my whole fucking tour and and then Tom and then when Tom did his one like that and put his tour dates on it went over the top he sold all his tours and he was like whoa he's like I sold out every fucking show we've added shows I'm doing like an arena here and this is before we were doing arenas I was like shut the fuck up and that changed my game where I was like all right so everything's got to be and then And then I was like, I don't mind spending a little money.

[1715] And then the next one I did was the marching band.

[1716] And I was just like, but it was, you know, it's real crazy.

[1717] I just said, can you guys get me a marching band?

[1718] And they were like, yeah, it's like, it's like $2 ,400.

[1719] I go, cool.

[1720] And they're like, what do you want them to do?

[1721] And I go, I don't know, we'll figure it out.

[1722] And they came over and they had outfits.

[1723] And they were like, so what do you want us to play?

[1724] I go, what song do you guys know?

[1725] And then they didn't even know each other.

[1726] They were all hired people.

[1727] And they were like, rubber band man?

[1728] And I was like, oh, sure.

[1729] Yeah.

[1730] And then we just scripted it out I was like all right I'll pretend it's a regular thing Lifting weights I'll walk out and then I'll blow a whistle And then you come out with the Drum -Dum -Dum -Dum -Dum And then we got like two videos Out of that and that sold out dates And then I was like fuck And then and then and then and then and then the real baller one the fucking real one The real one was I tore all the muscles in my arm Going into into shooting the movie And I ripped all the tricy I set muscles off, and they were retracted.

[1731] So I had to go in for surgery.

[1732] And the anesthesiologist said to me the night before, he's like, what music do you want going in going under?

[1733] And I was like what?

[1734] And he goes, you can pick your music going under.

[1735] I said, wait, hold on.

[1736] What is it like, he go, I go, is it like casual?

[1737] And he was like, yeah.

[1738] I said, I'm doing a promo read going under.

[1739] He goes, what do you mean?

[1740] I said, I'll explain to you tomorrow, but I'm going to, I'm not going to count backwards.

[1741] I'm just going to do a promo read until I pass out.

[1742] And my phone's going to fall on the ground.

[1743] all I need you to do is hit stop record and so they rolled me into surgery I had red rocks I'd only sold like 75 % of red rocks which is the biggest 10 ,000 is the biggest venue I'd ever played in and I rolled in with my thing with CCR playing in the background and I just was like as I lay here on this mat or on this steel pile terrified as I go into surgery I want you to know one thing I'm playing red rock September 10th and then I started doing my promo read And he was like, yeah, I go, Jimmy Buffett's there the night before and the night after.

[1744] He's like, for real?

[1745] I go, yeah, you want to come?

[1746] He's like, hell, yeah.

[1747] He's like, all right.

[1748] He's like, you're going under.

[1749] And he hits it.

[1750] I go, oh, sure.

[1751] And I dropped the phone, woke up out of surgery.

[1752] And the first thing I said is, where's my phone?

[1753] And he goes, you got it.

[1754] And Leanne's like, I've already watched it.

[1755] It's good.

[1756] And I went, for real.

[1757] And so, like, that was a, that was a big one.

[1758] That was a big one, too.

[1759] Yeah, that was genius.

[1760] But that was sort of opportunity kind of jumping in an idea.

[1761] Have you ever met Mr. Beast?

[1762] Jimmy?

[1763] No. So I got to hang out with him for a day, listen to him, brainstorming with the team ideas.

[1764] He kind of sounds like you, but on steroids in terms of like, first of all, willing to spend any amount of money on an idea.

[1765] Like, anything, anything is allowed.

[1766] Anything is allowed.

[1767] I love that energy.

[1768] The only thing is no, like, rated R stuff.

[1769] So he's really trying to go, like, for the broader audience, for kids and so on.

[1770] So that's a limitation.

[1771] So you can't do, like, most of the ideas that pop into my head when anything is allowed is kind of dark.

[1772] But the point is to really aggressively brainstorm every single day at the whiteboard.

[1773] Like what, and he does that for YouTube shorts too for one -minute videos.

[1774] Really?

[1775] And just like, really, like, what is the coolest thing we could possibly do?

[1776] I love that, I love that energy.

[1777] And that energy, most people don't do that, and they should.

[1778] Basically, YouTubers do that, because they're obsessed about this particular YouTube algorithm and so on and Jimmy is the best at that.

[1779] But like, that can benefit you if you're a scientist, if you're a comedian, if you're whatever.

[1780] Just go all out.

[1781] It's, there's something really authentically fun about just coming up with a really stupid idea and just going, let's see what happens.

[1782] Who gives the fuck?

[1783] We've had those like, I thought I could catch an arrow one time.

[1784] And my wife's like, absolutely fucking not.

[1785] And I go, I really think I can.

[1786] I go, let's just get really close.

[1787] Shoot it.

[1788] And then I'll see if I can catch it.

[1789] And she's like, no, that's not what you're doing.

[1790] And then my cousin's like, hey, we could cheat it to make you look like you caught an arrow.

[1791] And I went, what?

[1792] He was, yeah, just, okay, let's do it like this.

[1793] And so we did it.

[1794] And it got sold a ton of tickets.

[1795] It looks like I really caught it.

[1796] Everyone knows I didn't catch an arrow.

[1797] I mean, for the movie, we did a promo.

[1798] Legendary was like, you do all the promos.

[1799] And we did a promo and I thought I could slide out of my car like Tom Cruise did in a helicopter.

[1800] And with roller skates and get behind the car and then skate behind the car.

[1801] And we just ran over my foot.

[1802] And it was real and it was scary.

[1803] But we just caught it all.

[1804] And in doing it, my cousin's like, give me the read.

[1805] And I'm like, duh, my movie comes out Memorial Day weekend.

[1806] I think we have to go to the hospital.

[1807] And then we went to the hospital.

[1808] And I'm in the speedo with a helmet on, one broken roller skate.

[1809] And then that did really well.

[1810] And so, like, the whole thing is just turn the camera on.

[1811] You never know what's going to fucking happen.

[1812] And don't be afraid to look stupid and all that kind of stuff.

[1813] Just go all out.

[1814] Fucking ego is the death of comedy.

[1815] Like when you really give a, like, it's hard to be the coolest guy in the room and still want to be a comedian.

[1816] It's just let yourself be whoever you are.

[1817] And you'll see the great ones.

[1818] They're like that.

[1819] They don't, you know, they're just regular fucking dudes.

[1820] And you get some real slick ones.

[1821] Like, Dave's probably might be the coolest guy in the fucking room.

[1822] He really might be.

[1823] But I think that's just who the fuck he is.

[1824] Who are the outside your close friend group?

[1825] Who are the greats to you, top five?

[1826] Outside of my friend group?

[1827] So, like for me, probably Norm McDonald, Mitch Heidberg, George Carlin, Thompson Gore, number one.

[1828] Oh, yeah?

[1829] No. I wanted to say that.

[1830] It's an interesting pairing.

[1831] No, Mitch Hebburg, Davidel.

[1832] Davidel.

[1833] David Tell.

[1834] Everybody deeply respects David Tell.

[1835] More than even his comedy, I love the show where he was...

[1836] Insomniac.

[1837] Insomniac.

[1838] He's so good at just the natural comedy of human interaction.

[1839] He's a brilliant comic.

[1840] He's just a brilliant fucking mind.

[1841] Norm McDonnell is a fucking genius, an absolute genius.

[1842] I mean, look, you know, Chappelle and Bill Burr are the two best in our generation, in my opinion.

[1843] And that's, you know, and that's understanding.

[1844] that like I'm still friends with some of the best in our generation but like just the way their brains work is really on a next level like you know those are guys Stanhope is the same way just fucking genius you know Rogan Sigura those are my friend group that's my really close friend group but like those other guys I'm friends with but they're not like that's like yeah Louis CK oh Louis CK fuck he's amazing it's hard to do because you start like forgetting the like people and then it's almost like people go oh so you didn't like that person you're like no i fucking love that person yeah i mean there's uh for me like robin williams which a whole other thing oh yeah sir silberman uh fucking uh i love jeanineine i'm i'm a fucking big janine fan i love her brain marron's fucking hilarious you know uh patten's brilliant david cross i mean there's like it's you know it's it's really to ignore those guys and those guys were like the whole forefront of the alternative comedy front they're fucking amazing.

[1845] Yeah, and the people that have, like Marin or Joe that have podcasts, it's interesting.

[1846] It's an interesting pairing, because you get to know everything about them, but then they're also comedians.

[1847] And I've gotten, I've gone to Joe's club a lot.

[1848] Listen, Joe, and just that whole group of comics do comedy, and go to the same set over and over and to see how it changes.

[1849] It's really cool.

[1850] It's the coolest thing when I first started to watch someone like I tell was really brilliant at it, because you'd watch him tinker with a set.

[1851] Yeah.

[1852] And he'd have an idea like hitting someone over the head with the hammer from behind and then he'd work it in nine different ways you know and you'd be like whoa so you're the hitting hammer in the head is the thing that he's working on I hope Eddie Murphy comes back he's one of the greats Chris Rock, Chris Rock's fucking bring the pain is like the reason I got in comedy.

[1853] Do you have advice for young folks you seem like a stellar example of a successful human being or more seriously, a very kind of nonlinear life.

[1854] Do you have advice for young people in high school and college?

[1855] I don't have a good life that can be proud of.

[1856] Don't worry too much about what you do when you get older.

[1857] But when you do start worrying, find the thing you love, and it will never feel like work.

[1858] To fucking, I can't imagine what it must feel like to be a lawyer and have to to read papers or whatever they do all day and know that that's my day.

[1859] I mean, it must feel like what school felt like for me. If you find that thing you love to do, you will work endlessly, effortlessly, and hard as fucking shit every day, and you'll love every day of your life.

[1860] Find what you love and let it kill you, Bukowski said that.

[1861] Then that's the fucking thing, because that's what I'm doing.

[1862] I'm letting it fucking take, I'm fucking, I'm, I'm on that fucking bullet train to fucking nowhere on this fucking comedy journey.

[1863] I love it.

[1864] I love it.

[1865] So it's like the Hunter -Astompson thing, what is it, however you put it, basically, you're not supposed to be, end up in a well -preserved box, you slide in sideways, smoke, just beat up.

[1866] Yeah.

[1867] Just, just a giant mess.

[1868] I love those guys that can really live that life that are like, yeah, man, I'm breaking it.

[1869] down like a guy like Tony Hawk or Matt Hoffman who's like yeah if I don't fucking break the fuck out of this thing before I I'm then I'm not doing it right then again there's also Churchill who tried to break the thing and he couldn't lived into his 90s a bad motherfucker just a bad motherfucker so I guess the only hope we can have for brook crusher is that you're going to be the Winston Churchill of comedy my life is lived perfectly if I'm 95 years old and all my friends are dead.

[1870] They're like, can you believe that wolf got Rogan?

[1871] Yeah.

[1872] Can you believe Segura 600 pounds and they had to carry him out in a crane out of that house?

[1873] Can you believe that it's just Burke Chrysner when Joey Diaz left?

[1874] Just standing there in October.

[1875] So for October, just the two of you left.

[1876] Just laughing.

[1877] October is just, I'm 95.

[1878] at the Mark Twain Awards, and they're like, Bert Chrys are still fucking here.

[1879] Who saw that coming?

[1880] I hope so.

[1881] Bert, I'm a huge fan of yours.

[1882] It meant so much to me when you said that you knew who I was, like we were talking about.

[1883] It just, it's so cool.

[1884] It's so cool.

[1885] Thank you for putting so much joy and love out there in the world.

[1886] I'm a huge fan, and thank you for the love of you giving me. Thank you, man. I am a huge fan of yours.

[1887] You keep doing you.

[1888] I'll keep doing me, and then let's see if we can meet in the middle sometimes.

[1889] I have a cold beer in the afternoon.

[1890] Love you, brother.

[1891] Love you.

[1892] Thanks for listening to this conversation with Burke Kreischer.

[1893] To support this podcast, please check out our sponsors in the description.

[1894] And now, let me leave you some words from Hunter S. Thompson.

[1895] Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well -preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out and loudly proclaiming, wow what a ride thank you for listening i hope to see you next time