Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend XX
[0] Conan O 'Brien needs a fan.
[1] Want to talk to Conan?
[2] Visit team cocoa .com slash call Conan.
[3] Okay, let's get started.
[4] Who?
[5] Hi, he's a friend.
[6] Right when it started, he took a giant bite of an apple.
[7] You know what I said about, just be yourself.
[8] Don't be yourself, okay?
[9] Don't.
[10] Don't be yourself.
[11] Let me start by saying, I apologize.
[12] Jack, just as we were beginning, Matt Gourley, former member of our squad, took a giant bite of an apple, and it was very disconcerting.
[13] So let's start fresh.
[14] Jack, how are you?
[15] How are you, Jack?
[16] First of all is, who eats an apple?
[17] What do you mean who eats an apple?
[18] Yeah, what do you mean?
[19] If you're in a heavily mic, it's one of the most juicy, crunchy food you can be eating.
[20] Yes, thank you, Jack.
[21] You're supposed to eat an apple because it cuts down in your mouth noises.
[22] No, no, no. The correct fruit is a banana, an overly ripe banana.
[23] Yeah, that just slides in.
[24] Yeah.
[25] Slides in.
[26] Oh, trust me. Boy, does it slide in.
[27] Look.
[28] I think we got off on the right foot.
[29] I think we got off on the wrong foot.
[30] Sorry, wrong foot.
[31] And I want to start again and start fresh and professionally.
[32] Jack, welcome to the podcast.
[33] It's nice to see you.
[34] Tell us where are you coming to us from?
[35] I'm in Abingdon, in England, just below Oxford.
[36] Oh, that means very little to me I'd been to Oxford You'd be to Oxford You did a thing there I did do a thing there And I was arrested They told me Never do a thing here again No, I've been to Oxford But what's the name of your town So it's Abingdon Well, it's Abingdon on Thames That makes it really British Abington on Thames So anything on Thames Means it's basically The Thames goes right by your Yeah, that's it The Thames is just over there From my house basically If I wanted to I can run into it right now.
[37] Well, okay.
[38] Now I think I have to see how things go.
[39] I'll have to ask you to do that immediately.
[40] Do you always?
[41] I can't swim.
[42] That's okay.
[43] Really not my problem, Jack.
[44] It's just makes for good, it makes for a good podcast.
[45] Makes for great podcasting.
[46] Jack, do you always wear a sweater that matches your background?
[47] I'm just curious.
[48] And are you hiding from a natural predator?
[49] These are all questions.
[50] I thought you were just a floating head.
[51] It's just my calm lighting.
[52] Very nice.
[53] Gives the appearance of an orange background.
[54] You seem like a lovely fellow, Jack.
[55] I have many questions for you.
[56] I seem it.
[57] Yeah, you seem it.
[58] And now you can...
[59] There's a lot going on you don't know about.
[60] Oh, trust me. Trust me. I've found this off.
[61] And I never like to say you are a lovely fellow because we've only been chatting for a few minutes.
[62] And you could be a terrible, terrible man for all we know.
[63] I am.
[64] I am.
[65] Well, good.
[66] Wow.
[67] With your candor.
[68] we got right to the point.
[69] Jack, tell us about Abington on Thames.
[70] What kind of, I'm picturing a very beautiful Downton Abbey little town.
[71] Is that what I, is that what would be like?
[72] So one, one of Abingdon's kind of claims, we like to say, we're the old, the oldest town in England, but there are several towns that say that.
[73] There are several times that say that.
[74] And you can walk through kind of some streets and it's like, you've got really old Georgian buildings and it's a bit like, wow, this is incredible.
[75] But then you walk a few feet, and then it's nothing but cafes and Turkish barbers.
[76] Yes.
[77] Well, here's the interesting thing.
[78] We live in Los Angeles, and the oldest structures in Los Angeles were built in 1987.
[79] Come on.
[80] It's really ridiculous.
[81] And people treat them like they're historic.
[82] They're like, oh, this is from Reagan's second term.
[83] Oh, wow.
[84] Be careful.
[85] Let's try and restore it.
[86] How dare you.
[87] So when you say oldest town, in England, that is really saying something, because that means it was probably the streets were laid out by the Romans, am I correct?
[88] Oh, I have no idea.
[89] I make it a room.
[90] Oh.
[91] Clearly, I've given more thought to where you live than you have, Jack.
[92] I think the streets were probably just lines of dung and people have just laid claim.
[93] Like, yeah, this is a town.
[94] We've got nice straight lines of animal excrement.
[95] Jack, I would love to see you give, be the, I wish you were the tour guide at Abington on Thames.
[96] Yeah.
[97] Right this way.
[98] Tell me about this street, Jack.
[99] Oh, probably just a trail of dung at one point.
[100] What's that interesting building over there?
[101] Oh, who knows?
[102] It's the dung house.
[103] It's a pile of shite as far as I'm concerned.
[104] Well, tell us a little bit about yourself.
[105] Jack, what do you do?
[106] What's your life like?
[107] So I work for a charity called Yellow Submarine.
[108] and we support people with autism and learning disabilities.
[109] My kind of specific role is kind of supporting mental health of the people we support in that charity.
[110] But we do loads of things like social activities and vacations and job development.
[111] And we have two cafes where we do traineeships where we support with employment.
[112] That's terrific.
[113] Yeah.
[114] That's a very, I mean, that's a fantastic service that, uh, that's a fantastic service that, uh, that you're providing.
[115] When did you know that this is what you wanted to do?
[116] Is this something you came to naturally?
[117] Well, I didn't literally fall into it, but when I was about 15 or 16, I was hanging out at a youth center and a different charity that would do the similar kind of work.
[118] We're using it, that building the youth center I was at, to do one of their youth clubs.
[119] And I kind of just ended up wandering into it.
[120] And it kind of took me on as a volunteer, even though I wasn't actually technically old enough to be a volunteer there and I've basically just been doing it ever since and that was when I was like 15 so like 18 years or so now okay well if I could do the math I'd know what age you are now but that's just beyond me I've gotten to an age where I've forgotten all the advanced formulas it takes to add 15 to 18 advanced formula I'm sure there's a lot it's just addition it's simple addition no no no no no we need some kind of high -powered computer to figure it out my guess is in your You're in your mid -60s.
[121] Yes, that's what it feels like it.
[122] You just take good care of yourself.
[123] And is it, does it ever, I'm going to try to put this delicately, you live in this small, quaint town.
[124] Does it ever get a little too small and quaint for you?
[125] Do you ever wish that you could, you need to, do you ever feel like I need to bust out of here?
[126] There are too many fatched roofs, too many eel pies cooling on a shelf.
[127] Do you ever feel like I've got to get out of here?
[128] Yeah, definitely.
[129] If you live in a small town, you always kind of get that.
[130] But, you know, with Oxford being so close, you kind of have that kind of, I can go and be in a place where there are things that actually happen.
[131] Right.
[132] Like, having done, we have a town crier.
[133] What?
[134] I'm kidding.
[135] You have a town crier.
[136] We have a town crier.
[137] And does he read the news?
[138] Does he ever say any news events or is it just to tell you the time?
[139] He's usually going to tell you, like, oh, there's an arts and crafts fair on.
[140] Does he start with hear ye, hear ye?
[141] Yeah.
[142] Shit.
[143] Yeah, he's absolutely textbook.
[144] Wow.
[145] So he says, hear ye, hear ye.
[146] And then he says there's an arts and crafts fair over on, you know, Paddington Piddle Road in 10 minutes.
[147] That's the kind of thing he says.
[148] Yeah.
[149] Wow.
[150] Don't forget to scrape the dung out your shoes.
[151] Okay.
[152] Okay.
[153] Does he ever say anything salacious, like, hear ye, hear ye, I hear, you know, Colleen, Havenhurst is pretty fast and loose with the fellas.
[154] Not yet, but we can feed that information.
[155] Well, I just think that.
[156] We can make it happen.
[157] I'm sorry, I'm just thinking more of like a TMZ town cry.
[158] Oh, yeah.
[159] Or if he's having a bad day and he's like, my wife's horped.
[160] Hear ye, hear ye I think my wife is stepping out on me If you see that, bionch, let me know What do you think an L .A. Town cry, I would say.
[161] I think it's, man, it depends on where you are in L .A. I think it would be a lot of hear ye, hear ye, someone's overdoing it with the Botox and she knows who she is.
[162] And then literally 175 ,000 women will think it's them.
[163] Our town cries are essentially people in town just crying.
[164] Yeah.
[165] You're doing the right thing by staying there.
[166] Have you traveled to Los Angeles before?
[167] I've not been to Los Angeles, but I have been to California.
[168] I worked up in North California, summer camp.
[169] It was actually at the same time.
[170] So we kind of had a bit of an exchange.
[171] So when you came to Oxford, I was over in California.
[172] Yes.
[173] I think it's a one in, one out kind of.
[174] Yes, what happened was I was invited, my cohorts may not know this, but I was invited to speak at Oxford.
[175] It was a high honor and I went there.
[176] My wife and I, actually we brought our kids as well.
[177] They didn't come to the talk, but my wife came, Liza came, and it was thrilling because the students were very smart and fantastic crowd.
[178] I had a great time, but you said that you specifically left the country when you heard I was coming.
[179] But I think it was more, I think it was kind of an exchange because I think we're of quite similar complexions.
[180] And I think California is probably a fire risk to have us both there at the same time.
[181] Because you guys are like too much Tinder?
[182] It's too much.
[183] Yeah, we might, yeah, we just combust.
[184] Are you a ginger?
[185] I can't really quick.
[186] Yes, I am.
[187] You are a ginger.
[188] Okay.
[189] That's what I blend into the background as well as my jumper.
[190] Yeah.
[191] It's also my entire being.
[192] I love that.
[193] I love that.
[194] You see, that's why we're different.
[195] I'm, of course, of Irish descent, you're English, and we both have the same complexion.
[196] I never, ever have worn an orange sweater in my life because I felt like I can't.
[197] I'm a ginger.
[198] You just said, I'm going for it.
[199] Balls to the wall.
[200] And it looks good.
[201] And it looks good on you.
[202] You've got to go on in.
[203] Ginger balls to the wall.
[204] Excuse me?
[205] Well, wait a minute.
[206] I've done that.
[207] I've done that, Jack, and it's a mistake.
[208] I did that.
[209] I did ginger balls to the wall.
[210] It was in a bus station in Newark.
[211] And again, not worth getting into.
[212] Is there a little plaque?
[213] Well, Conan's balls were here.
[214] Yes, I've asked that a plaque be, I was going to say erected, but I'm not going to.
[215] There's a sack on a plaque.
[216] Yeah.
[217] In a bus station.
[218] This is a wonderful.
[219] That's the E .E. Cummings poem that was never published.
[220] Jack You seem like You are a very nice man I'm not going to say seem I declare you a very nice man doing very good work And I'd like to see your town I'd like to visit the town Cryer and make a few suggestions To the town crier Maybe he could freshen up his act a little bit You'd be a good town crier I think I think I would be a good town crier I've got it I can see you in the hat I don't know why The tricorna hat I feel like that's just something that would work for you Well, I grew up in Boston, Massachusetts, and there were lots of tricorner hats because I grew up in 1774.
[221] No, people would, every year, to celebrate our battle against your evil empire, we, no offense, but to sort of free ourselves from your horrific Vader -like clutches, people would put on tric corner hats.
[222] reenact scattering the redcoats at Concord and Lexington.
[223] So I grew up with that, and I think I'd be very comfortable in that kind of garb.
[224] And I would be a very good town crier.
[225] I just want to, I'm Welsh, so we like to distance ourselves from the English.
[226] Oh, my God, I love it.
[227] So when you go, so yeah, feel free to paint, you know, paint that picture of English being.
[228] Were you born in Wales?
[229] I wasn't born there, but I grew up there.
[230] I grew up in a place called Barry Island, which is where Gavin and Stacey set.
[231] Oh, yeah.
[232] Okay.
[233] So, okay, that makes sense to me. So you were, you raised in Wales and probably had a little bit of attitude towards the English, yes?
[234] Yeah.
[235] Basically, in the UK, Irish, Scottish, and Welsh, we're all like, oh, no. No, thank you.
[236] We don't really like you.
[237] Wow.
[238] Obviously, individually, you can really slam, man. Walk it back a little.
[239] So I'm just going to say, Jack, you've just put it out there.
[240] Oh, easy.
[241] What time are you drinking?
[242] What is that you just had?
[243] So this is something called Red Stag.
[244] It's like a cherry bourbon with just with like Coke.
[245] Okay, well, I guess there's a time difference between us because if you, I wanted to have a cherries.
[246] 25 past eight.
[247] Okay, I wanted to have a cherry stag about an hour ago and people reminded me that it was 11 in the morning.
[248] Sherry Stag would be a good nickname for you.
[249] I think it would be.
[250] Yes, I like that.
[251] You were trying to think of a drag name a few weeks.
[252] Cherry Stag.
[253] That's pretty good.
[254] That's pretty good.
[255] I'm a red running stag.
[256] No?
[257] You ruined it.
[258] Yeah, you did a little.
[259] I think you ruined it should be my catchphrase.
[260] You ruined it.
[261] I'm being schooled by a guy on an in Atmington on Thames right now, and I deserve it.
[262] No, I'd like to come and tell, what are your hobbies?
[263] What do you like to do in your spare time when you're not working?
[264] So I'm part of a ukulele group, but I play bass.
[265] Hold on a sec. So you play the bass in a ukulele band.
[266] How many ukuleles are there?
[267] Sometimes we can do a show and there'll be about 30 people playing at the same time.
[268] You realize that technically that's Dante's lowest level of hell is 30 ukulele players at the same time.
[269] But one bass player.
[270] You're the coolest person in a ukulele band.
[271] Congratulations.
[272] It's very rare for a bass player to be the coolest one as well.
[273] I disagree.
[274] I'll always think of the bass player.
[275] I think our coolest person, we've got someone who plays a washboard.
[276] Oh.
[277] You know, like, yeah.
[278] Are you sure they're not actually just washing?
[279] sometimes people are mistaken for oh my god you play a mean washboard and they're just really trying to clean clothes in the 19th century incredibly clean fingertton yeah I would imagine what's the name of the band Oxford ukuleleys hmm okay sometimes if we have enough people it depends on people playing if we have like in the occasions when we have 30 where the Oxford ukulele big band so we kind of fluctuate with our names I think it should work red stag into it Yeah, cherry stag.
[280] I mean, cherry stag.
[281] Very stag.
[282] You know, because you are cherry stag.
[283] I mean, you can borrow that name until I come to England and reclaim it.
[284] Oh, I'll sew it into all my clothes.
[285] Is it possible for the Welsh to, do you think, will the Welsh ever attack the English, or is that just not going to happen anymore?
[286] I don't think it would go well.
[287] I just, I want to start some trouble.
[288] Yeah.
[289] So what I want to do is go to Wales and get everybody all whipped up and then attacking.
[290] England with them.
[291] I mean, you give me a go.
[292] There has been, there is like, give it a try.
[293] Give it a go.
[294] Oh, I'm really scared that Prince Harry and his helicopter is going to get me. No, that's not going to happen.
[295] Do you think you can like, you can impassioned people to attack?
[296] Yeah, I was literally going to ask, what would you say to impassion us?
[297] I know, what are you going to say, oh, ye men of whales.
[298] Already I'm out.
[299] Oh, ye men of whales.
[300] I mean, I'd have to learn some of the lingo, right?
[301] Oh, have you been to Wales before?
[302] No, I haven't.
[303] Have you never seen any kind of Welsh language words?
[304] Oh, yeah.
[305] Yes, I have, actually.
[306] I thought, I've used them sometimes in Scrabble.
[307] I just thought, when you've dropped all the tiles.
[308] I just drop all the tiles in random order, and I say that's what the Welsh call a guinea pig.
[309] And then I hide the dictionary as best I get.
[310] You guys aren't big on vowels there, are you?
[311] No, no. Lots of Ls, lots of Fs, very few vowels.
[312] Yeah.
[313] Maybe one of the reasons you're so angry at the English is that they introduced A, E, I, O, and you.
[314] Although you guys would save a lot of money on Wheel of Fortune.
[315] Oh, boy.
[316] I'm not sure.
[317] I don't know.
[318] How you do it.
[319] I don't know how you do it.
[320] I don't know.
[321] Jack, would I be accepted by people in Abington on Temp?
[322] Were I to come?
[323] Would you be accepted?
[324] Would I be accepted?
[325] Yeah.
[326] I'm sure you would.
[327] Well, wait a minute.
[328] Wait a minute.
[329] Wait a minute.
[330] That doesn't sound very sure.
[331] Yeah, that was that was not a ringing endorsement.
[332] How would my sense of humor go over in Abington on Thames?
[333] I think it depends where in Abington you are.
[334] It's probably three streets.
[335] What do you mean where in Abington I am?
[336] It's not like saying where in North America you are.
[337] Are there older people who are going to look at him and just be like, who, why is this here?
[338] Yeah, that's what I was going to say.
[339] We have kind of, you know, maybe some more kind of what I would call Tories.
[340] may not be quite inclined Oh but what if they saw me I'm very good at Dick Van Dykes some Dick Van Dyke songs from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang would that go over well?
[341] Oh boy Oh God Older people love that shit They do I mean the thing about The Eucalee group of I'm a part of Oh man you keep working that in You are a professional I am The youngest one A lot of people Are a lot older in that group Right But let's say I was to do my shtick From Chitty Chitty Bang Bang for them Do you think they would like it?
[342] What's your stick?
[343] You want to hear it?
[344] Well, yes, please I was going to say Well, it's the Posh, Posh Traveling noif, they're traveling noif for me First Cabin Captain's Quarters Real Company Port up, Stab around Portal, the capital P -O -S -H -Posh.
[345] Wow.
[346] What do you think?
[347] I'm speechless.
[348] We all are, all of us, all of us.
[349] They'd probably be fooled into thinking I really was from Abington, wouldn't they if they heard that?
[350] Well, there's a fun, goarly you probably find this interesting.
[351] Oh, good.
[352] Well, I can leave.
[353] In Fleming didn't used to live that far from here at one point.
[354] Oh, yeah, that is big.
[355] Wow, so is there any kind of monument to him or just an old, like, cauldering and vodka and cigarettes?
[356] It's kind of a, it's just a house in the kind of middle of nowhere between here and another place called Henley.
[357] It's, uh, oh, Henley on the Thames.
[358] Yeah, I've heard of that.
[359] And also on, on Thames.
[360] Yeah.
[361] So we kind of have back sort of connection.
[362] Okay.
[363] I don't think he even if never written the songs, but I like to think you did.
[364] Jack, can you go just like carve out a sliver of timber from that.
[365] cottage and just send it to me is that possible i'll try i'll try and get through security i don't know how long you do me a favor could you go to the nearest petrol station and rob them and then send me the cash i think there's a very reaching request uh i feel like this is becoming a catchphrase but i'll give it a go yeah give it a go well jack very nice talking to you did you have a question for me or any or is there anything i can do for you i like to try and help my fellow man. I have a question, yes?
[366] Sure.
[367] It's kind of like a question that will have two answers.
[368] Where is the best and where is the worst place you have slept?
[369] Whoa.
[370] And that's a question for everyone.
[371] Jesus.
[372] Best place I've slept.
[373] You were telling a, Gourley was telling an anecdote here on the podcast a couple of months ago.
[374] I got some of the best sleep I've ever had in my life.
[375] It was fantastic.
[376] I nodded off.
[377] And it was online.
[378] I just got one.
[379] you're doing.
[380] No, best place I've ever slept, I'm going to say probably someplace on a Caribbean island.
[381] The air there is so perfect.
[382] I just nod off.
[383] Some of the best sleep I've had in my life has been when I'm visiting someplace in the Caribbean.
[384] It's something about that moist air.
[385] One of the worst places I have ever slept was in a tent in New Hampshire, and it was a tent from the 1940s, and it rained.
[386] And it's in no way the water passed right through it, and I slept in a puddle of water.
[387] I didn't really sleep, but it was cold water, and I slept in it all night long, and I just hated life.
[388] So, yeah, that's my answer for you.
[389] Yeah.
[390] That's great.
[391] I once slept in Alaska about a sleeping bag in a tent.
[392] That was pretty grim.
[393] Why didn't you bring a sleeping bag?
[394] It got lost on the flight over.
[395] And you still went camping.
[396] Yeah.
[397] Just still went camping, yeah.
[398] You didn't think maybe I'll borrow a sleeping bag from something?
[399] Get a new one at the local Walmart.
[400] Go to the hotel.
[401] Didn't really, we're in like North Alaska.
[402] I don't know what was going on.
[403] Sure.
[404] Who knew that North Alaska would be cold?
[405] Well, Jack, I judge you a fine man who's got bad geographical knowledge.
[406] But that's all I'll say.
[407] Maybe we'll cross paths in Abington on Thames.
[408] That could be nice.
[409] Yeah, well, then welcome.
[410] Well, you didn't make it sound like that way.
[411] All three of you.
[412] Oh, yeah, definitely.
[413] Well, okay.
[414] Do we have to come at the same time?
[415] Yeah.
[416] Matt did I come separately?
[417] Can we come ahead and then get out?
[418] We have a thing where we don't travel together.
[419] The way you and I can't be in the same time.
[420] You insist, right?
[421] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[422] All right, well, Jack, well, thank you very much.
[423] It was nice talking to you.
[424] Thank you very much.
[425] And yeah, thank you to everyone like Lisa and Blair and Eduardo.
[426] They've all been ready.
[427] No, not Eduardo.
[428] Right.
[429] So thank you.
[430] Yeah.
[431] Not Edward.
[432] Yeah.
[433] Thank you, Eduardo.
[434] No. He's not even here today.
[435] He's not here today.
[436] He's that bad a guy.
[437] All right, Jack, thank you so much.
[438] Take care.
[439] Thank you.
[440] Thanks.
[441] Bye, bye.
[442] Conan O 'Brien needs a fan.
[443] With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gourley.
[444] Produced by me, Matt Gourley.
[445] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solitaireoff, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson at Earwolf.
[446] Music by Jimmy Vivino.
[447] Supervising producer Aaron Blair.
[448] Associate talent producer Jennifer Samples.
[449] Associate producers Sean Doherty and Lernery and Lisa Burm.
[450] Engineering by Eduardo Perez.
[451] Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.
[452] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Stitcher.