#34 - Doug Benson

[0] It came up twice.

[1] Yeah, it's very...

[2] Oh, did it?

[3] Yeah.

[4] This thing's very clunky, this Ustream thing.

[5] Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much for tuning in.

[6] My guest this week, the lovely and talented Mr. Doug Benson.

[7] Hey, everybody.

[8] Doug Benson, everybody.

[9] Before we get started, we have to mention that this show is being sponsored by The Fleshlight.

[10] Doug Benson, have you ever fucked one of these things?

[11] I have not.

[12] I heard you and Dane Cook talking about it last week.

[13] They're awesome, man. It's really like...

[14] It takes masturbation to a whole new level.

[15] It seems, you know, it's a very embarrassing thing to purchase.

[16] Has that one been used?

[17] No, no, no. I would never do that to you.

[18] Is that just the...

[19] Well, not that you would necessarily mess it up just by holding it or whatever, right?

[20] Because you don't have to touch anything.

[21] I mean, no one's fucked it.

[22] I wouldn't give you one that someone's fucked.

[23] That's good, yeah, yeah.

[24] That's wrong, right?

[25] Have you ever fucked a non -fleshlight one?

[26] No. Like, I just fucked one the other day.

[27] Completely different.

[28] It doesn't feel anything like it.

[29] Better or worse?

[30] Oh, way worse.

[31] Way worse.

[32] Way worse.

[33] Yeah, somebody else told me that.

[34] I think it was Hefron who said that he fucked a knockoff.

[35] A fake flashlight.

[36] You said it wasn't very good.

[37] But these are outstanding.

[38] They put a lot of research into it.

[39] It seems like it would be awesome, but now I totally get what you were saying last week about how it just doesn't feel right in terms of you feel bad about yourself.

[40] It's very embarrassing.

[41] Yeah.

[42] It's so heavy.

[43] That's one thing.

[44] I guess you'd get a little bit of a light arm workout, but here, take it back.

[45] Brian, turn my volume up.

[46] I've had other people...

[47] talk to me about this thing, and it's an embarrassing thing.

[48] They're like, why would you, you know, want to be represented by this rubber vagina?

[49] Like, it keeps coming up.

[50] It came up with, like, another person that was thinking about sponsoring the show.

[51] They don't want to be connected with the Fleshlight.

[52] Really?

[53] That's so weird to me. It's childish.

[54] It really...

[55] It's childish.

[56] But now you just get that company and Fleshlight to outbid each other until...

[57] Yeah, you would have to do something like that.

[58] But then you would never know.

[59] I mean, you know, then you show no loyalty.

[60] To something that you actually believe.

[61] If you don't believe there's anything wrong with fucking this thing.

[62] And you want to pretend.

[63] It's like one of those things where people don't want to talk about sexual things.

[64] Because somehow or another talking about sexual things makes people uncomfortable.

[65] It's creepy.

[66] But it's a natural part of life.

[67] And most rational people at a certain point in time just kind of accept that.

[68] And then you can joke about it and go, hey, I fucked this rubber pussy.

[69] Ha ha.

[70] Is it good?

[71] Yeah, it's great.

[72] You should try it.

[73] And then everything's good.

[74] But for some people, it never gets to that place.

[75] Never gets to that comfortable.

[76] it depends on how comfortable you are with like other men like they like who you kind of came up with and if you all talk to each other that way or not you know like i had a lot of fairly prudish friends like we'd say dirty things but we wouldn't admit to any of our own personal activities the way that i've seen other groups of friends do it you know like you see these packs of people that all just have a different code about you know whether they fucked a prostitute or not is going to come up in one group but it's not going to come up in another totally that's so important So important.

[77] Hanging around with the dudes are going to tell you everything.

[78] That's so huge.

[79] Embarrassing, ridiculous, retarded, all of it.

[80] I want to hear it.

[81] Come on.

[82] Give me all the dirt.

[83] Well, you must get some good stuff from...

[84] Everyone I know.

[85] Yeah, but also that's really kind of almost a code of stand -up these days is to just be super honest, and it ends up just to be original.

[86] You kind of have to talk about some stuff that's pretty brutal and out there, you know?

[87] Yeah, you can't really do...

[88] I mean, it's almost like the Jerry Seinfeld route has been said so many times and gone down so many roads.

[89] It's like I don't see anything there.

[90] It's like, if you want to do stand -up today, it's like, you know, Jerry Seinfeld, as Jerry Seinfeld, you know, that style is hilarious.

[91] Add it.

[92] But I don't want to see a new one of those.

[93] Well, also, he sort of turned it into another thing.

[94] Like, he made it popular.

[95] It's more fun now to watch actors on a show like The Office recreating awkward situations that happen every day than it is your one guy just describing it.

[96] Yeah.

[97] You know, the Seinfeld show just sort of brought to life his comedy.

[98] And that made him a funnier guy to me. Prior to that, he was part of a pack of guys that all just did clean -cut, observational humor, and I loved them all.

[99] I thought they were really funny, guys like him and Larry Miller, and there's a bunch of them.

[100] Yeah, I was a big fan of the evening at the improv.

[101] Yeah, yeah, and those guys were on those things all the time.

[102] I totally grew up on watching that stuff, but then immediately embraced stuff that's more, you know, like you can...

[103] You don't have to just observe things.

[104] You can experience them.

[105] Yeah, I want to hear a thought that's dangerous.

[106] Tell me what you did, not what everybody does.

[107] I want to hear a dangerous thought to admit.

[108] I want to hear some truth that we can all agree with.

[109] I want to hear something fucked up, too.

[110] I don't want to hear the regular shit.

[111] I get bored with it.

[112] I'm tired of it.

[113] I want to hear something.

[114] I look forward to Joey Diaz's sets more than anybody.

[115] I like strong joke writing, though.

[116] I do, too.

[117] That can get me through.

[118] But you're right.

[119] As soon as it starts to be too much about...

[120] The best is both, right?

[121] Yeah, of course.

[122] I love anyone who's a great joke writer and a good performer.

[123] That's unbeatable.

[124] That's like Louis C .K. Yeah, but you're right about Seinfeld.

[125] He was such a brilliant joke writer and deliverer in his style.

[126] And then to have that show.

[127] And then you really see where Kirby Enthusiasm really got to see where Larry David had a big hand in it too.

[128] Because once I started seeing that show, I was like, oh, okay.

[129] This guy is like the king of creating really awkward situations.

[130] Literally, you watch some of his shows and you find yourself contorting.

[131] Because you're like, what are you fucking saying?

[132] so good it's he does such a good job of weaving that web you know he's one of my masters is he yeah yeah and it takes it up a notch too that it's like on hbo so that the language in those situations can be like that's part of it is he often says you know he often says some he swears inappropriately in front of people sometimes yeah and subject you can't do that shit on seinfeld because it had to be all tv appropriate You remember when there was the water bottle in his pants and there was a little girl and there was some implication.

[133] People thought that he had a hard -on because the little girl was there.

[134] I forget how he set it up, but I was like, wow.

[135] Yeah, if you listed everything that he was guilty of in the seven seasons of that show, he's done some pretty horrible things.

[136] What a great show.

[137] He does the worst thing in every situation.

[138] I forget what he did to some Holocaust survivors, but I'm sure it was awful.

[139] Shows like that are so important.

[140] Show you that there's, like, another level out there, you know?

[141] Like, I think that's important for stand -ups, too.

[142] Don't you think, like, it's good sometimes to watch somebody else, you know, and somebody really good, you know, watch, like, a Bill Cosby in his prime or something like that just to really get inspired or get, you know, just really kick it up to another gear.

[143] Yeah, it's always good to – I think that's a huge part of – I hate to give advice to people starting out, but one of the things I say to them if they insist on having some is watch as much stand -up comedy as you can.

[144] And unfortunately, we get kind of tired of watching it after we've done it for years and years.

[145] But it's still important to kind of check into it every once in a while because it just ups your game when you know what everybody else is doing.

[146] Yeah, it inspires.

[147] It does something to you.

[148] It makes you excited about performing.

[149] I'm most excited about writing after I see Chappelle perform.

[150] And I go, fuck, I just want to go write.

[151] It just makes me want to create new shit.

[152] Well, that's the other great thing about being a stand -up is when you have that impulse, you could just come up with one great joke.

[153] It could be satisfying.

[154] I hate it when I see a great movie and I'm driving home like, I'm going to write a goddamn screenplay.

[155] And that's just too big of a task to really commit to in that moment of excitement.

[156] But writing a joke, you're excited about writing jokes and you write a good one.

[157] It's like, okay, I did that.

[158] It's like 10, 20 minutes work and then you're in.

[159] And sometimes they come in full form.

[160] They'll just come to you out of the air.

[161] It's like a little gift.

[162] It's amazing.

[163] You were talking about that with Dane Cook about how when you say something on – when the crowd is so great, the next sentence after the joke is probably going to get a laugh anyway.

[164] But when it gets a huge laugh, then you've suddenly got a new end to the joke.

[165] Yeah, out of nowhere.

[166] It's really cool.

[167] Right out of the ether.

[168] Yeah, I mean that's how most of my – I do most of my writing on stage just in the sense that – You know, sometimes I have a joke that's worked out, you know, perfectly beginning, middle and end.

[169] But for the most part, it's more like this is sort of something I want to try to address and then just see where it goes and have a good joke ready to go right after it if it ends up not ending up getting anywhere.

[170] Yeah, I agree with you.

[171] I do both.

[172] How high do you get before you go on stage?

[173] Well, now people think I'm high whether I'm high or I'm not.

[174] Like they just accuse me of it regardless.

[175] So, you know.

[176] I can be as high as I want to be, which just all comes down to timing.

[177] If you have to race from the airport to the gig, you might not be very high, but if you're chilling that day and you've got a show at 8 o 'clock and not much to do in the afternoon other than work on your computer and interviews and stuff like that.

[178] I get really high for interviews now, like phoners.

[179] Yeah, me too.

[180] I love that.

[181] I love that too.

[182] Because then when they do throw to you, you will talk until they...

[183] until they stop you.

[184] Sometimes they don't jump in, so you can really get a lot of stuff in.

[185] I know.

[186] I find myself almost feeling bad for what I'm subjecting the interviewer to sometimes because it'll start on some really innocent question and I'll just start going on about what is the cause of humanity?

[187] What are we here for?

[188] There's totally nothing to do with anything we're talking about, but in my mind, what I'm thinking about is the whole vision of the world and where it's headed.

[189] It might have been a really simple question.

[190] Yeah, and they need you to wrap it up so they can play some more Kesha.

[191] Yeah, and I'm just super baked going on about the universe.

[192] It's like it's all coming to me in these big waves.

[193] I just need to get it out.

[194] It is fun to get high and then write.

[195] Or sometimes, have you ever done this?

[196] Have you ever gotten high and then went, oh, crap, now I'm starting to have ideas and I'm not in the mood to.

[197] Like I'm not ready to write down ideas right now.

[198] I wanted to just get high and watch TV.

[199] But now I've actually got to go to work for a little bit because the ideas are too good to ignore.

[200] I got way too high the other day and went on.

[201] I was at the John Lovitz Comedy Club.

[202] So you think.

[203] This dude, I think.

[204] I was on a plane with Lovitz the other day.

[205] Yeah?

[206] Yeah, I got in his eye line a couple times to see if he knew who I was, and he had no idea.

[207] But if he was like, holy shit, you're Doug Benson, would that give you a, am I?

[208] Well, no, I wouldn't want, well, I did grow up on Lovitz.

[209] I mean, he has been in a lot of great things, and I've always thought he was a funny guy, but he was.

[210] you know, so sad sack acting that it would be hard to be excited about.

[211] He's a nice guy.

[212] He's a real nice guy.

[213] But he was just kind of like traveling by himself.

[214] You know how that is.

[215] You're just like humping through the airport.

[216] Like, you know, just want to get it over with.

[217] Just don't want too many people to.

[218] I'm sure he must have gone through a period of time where there's some catchphrases that people yell at him or they'd say, you're a liar all the time.

[219] That's the ticket guy?

[220] Yeah, yeah.

[221] He must have used to got that a lot.

[222] But now I'm sure he doesn't get it so much.

[223] Why don't you use technology to help with your ideas, though?

[224] Because I know that you, instead of writing it down, just talk, make a movie, do audio, because that's right there in your pocket.

[225] Well, I'm starting to get there.

[226] I finally got the most recent iPhone.

[227] Oh, you did?

[228] I made the first video that I ever...

[229] upload it on the internet where I just film myself doing something and then send it out there.

[230] And I'm definitely going to do more of that.

[231] You should.

[232] It's a smart way to go.

[233] It's super fast.

[234] It's super smart and fast and it's, you know, people love content.

[235] They want you to keep doing stuff.

[236] But what were you saying about being at the Lovitz Club, Comedy Club?

[237] Oh, I got way too baked.

[238] This guy gave me a cookie in between the stage.

[239] There were like these little, what are those little long banana shaped things called?

[240] You know what I'm talking about?

[241] Biscotti.

[242] Biscotti.

[243] Not really a banana, but that's the closest thing.

[244] That's a hard clue.

[245] Now that I know what it is, now that I know it's biscotti, I can see the banana.

[246] How do you describe that shape?

[247] A hard cookie canoe.

[248] Hard cookie canoe.

[249] Coffee cookie.

[250] That's it.

[251] That's the best one.

[252] A cookie canoe.

[253] A cookie canoe.

[254] This guy, I didn't even eat a quarter of one, man. I didn't eat any.

[255] He goes, they're really strong.

[256] Okay.

[257] I took a bite.

[258] One bite.

[259] 45 minutes later, I was on stage, and I was aboard an alien spacecraft while I was talking to these people.

[260] I mean, I was barely there.

[261] Barely there enough to communicate.

[262] I was so high.

[263] There's no way I should have been talking in public.

[264] That's a surreal space when you're on stage there, too, because of the way they have those balconies.

[265] Yeah, three floors.

[266] And the balconies are rather close to you, but just up high.

[267] Very shallow, but very high.

[268] And it's kind of exciting, but also...

[269] It's different than what we're used to.

[270] Yeah, it's cool.

[271] I mean, it was a fun club.

[272] You know what's weird about that club is how the bars open.

[273] And so halfway through the show, you're just hearing clinking and clunking.

[274] Well, that happens at a lot of places.

[275] But they put a curtain right up there.

[276] They could, but you know what?

[277] It ain't that bad.

[278] Like San Francisco Punchline doesn't have a curtain.

[279] And that works out okay.

[280] That's far.

[281] Somehow it adds to the ambiance, though.

[282] But that's far.

[283] As long as people aren't douchey, it doesn't matter.

[284] But you are right.

[285] It does give an opportunity for things to get annoying.

[286] Anytime you have a bar where people can stay.

[287] and order a drink, you're fucked.

[288] Or divert attention from the crowd.

[289] They can't do it quietly because they're drunk.

[290] Yeah, people start hitting on people and talking.

[291] The last show I did where it was a standing room show, me and Joey did this show in Memphis and it was like this last minute booking and it was a rock club.

[292] And so we're like, all right, yeah, they have bands there.

[293] Fuck it.

[294] Well, you know, I'm sure it'll be set up fine.

[295] And the guy's like, he wants to do standing room.

[296] I usually don't.

[297] I said, okay, fine, fuck it.

[298] The whole half the room was standing.

[299] Half.

[300] the room was seated and was really strange it was like you're standing on straight stage and to your right everyone's seated and to your left is a bar so literally like everything to your left is like there's like 200 people just standing And talking.

[301] Yeah, of course.

[302] It's like, you're doing stand -up in a bar.

[303] And they're barely paying attention.

[304] Yeah, they're acting like a band is on stage.

[305] I used to do that at the House of Blues, too.

[306] But now, after we went to see Stan Hope, and we had a stand, and it was horrible.

[307] It was like, after an hour, your fucking back hurts, your neck starts to kink up.

[308] And so I said, I'm not going to subject anybody to this anymore.

[309] Yeah.

[310] I feel bad for people when they're standing during the show.

[311] Do you ever say no, that you won't do those shows?

[312] I haven't really gotten to that position where if that's an option and that's going to get more bodies in the venue.

[313] It gets less bodies in the venue.

[314] You lose money.

[315] But to me, it's better.

[316] Oh, to let him sit, you mean?

[317] To let them sit.

[318] Yeah, that's the thing.

[319] I'm not such a draw that they're coming to me begging me to let everybody stand.

[320] I've been on comedians of comedy tours with Patton Oswalt where everybody's standing, and it's amazing how much they'll put up with.

[321] David Cross does standing shows all the time, and his shows go on forever, and he has bands come out.

[322] That crowd is okay with it, but I don't think my crowd, I think stoners would rather sit down.

[323] I mean, I think they're fine and okay with it.

[324] I mean, if there was only an opportunity to go see a great comic, even if I wasn't even doing stand -up, it was Chappelle or someone like that, I would stand.

[325] I'd stand for two hours.

[326] I mean, how often does this guy come to town?

[327] Once a year?

[328] Shit, I can stand for two hours for once a year, but it's not the best feeling.

[329] The best way is to sit down and chill.

[330] You sit down and chill, and then you can really enjoy the jokes.

[331] When you're sitting down, and relaxing everything's more fun it's what's the worst is when they have couches in a comedy club yeah like oh here's the vip seats and it's like a couch in the back where they not only can get loud but they also you know just they're lounging around it's not the right uh it's not the right posture to watch comedy unless you're like you know i like home stoned or something yeah you're totally right i like it when this the seats are um fixed fixed seats into the so they can't even move them like at the comedy works in denver i was just gonna say that that place is crazy they're got those little tiny trays that are smaller than a school desk or an airline tray and you just put they just put their nachos and their drinks on it and they the people are in there so tight and it's underground it's really that place is almost perfect the only thing i'd say that i don't like about it is just they you know, it gets a little rowdy sometimes.

[332] It gets rowdy.

[333] The crowd noise is like, it's a win when they're cheering for you and applauding because it's so loud.

[334] But then when they're talking amongst themselves, when they're like, you know, losing focus, that's really loud too.

[335] Denver's pretty, they get wild, man. Yeah.

[336] Colorado people get wild.

[337] Yeah, it's, you know.

[338] There's a lot of wild cowboy in Colorado.

[339] And I think the alcohol and the weed both hit you harder because of the altitude.

[340] Fuck yeah, it does.

[341] You're a mile up in the air, man. man. Yeah.

[342] So you ever try working out up there?

[343] Yeah.

[344] I've tried, tried doing a lot of things there that I, you know, regretted.

[345] I went to an amusement park there one day.

[346] Oh my God.

[347] And, uh, yeah.

[348] And it's just like, it was fun, but you know, much more exhausting than going to an amusement park should be.

[349] Yeah.

[350] I can only imagine.

[351] Yeah.

[352] Walking up hills is tough up there.

[353] I went hiking once and it was like a full on workout.

[354] Like I was breathing heavy and sweating.

[355] It's like, this is crazy.

[356] This is not where you want the mountain line to catch you.

[357] I'll heave in and out of breath and shit.

[358] Can't even make it up the hill.

[359] That's the way Joe Rogan thinks, that there might be a mountain lion.

[360] Well, my dog got eaten by a mountain lion.

[361] Oh, God.

[362] When I lived in Colorado, my dog got eaten by a mountain lion.

[363] Holy crap.

[364] Yeah, we saw the mountain lion.

[365] I've hid weed in Colorado.

[366] You've hidden it?

[367] Yeah, at a comedy club.

[368] And I've been waiting for the day to go back to this comedy club to see if it's still there.

[369] Wow.

[370] It's kind of like me and Ari were talking about the other day.

[371] We started hiding weed at a comedy club instead of throwing it away and stuff.

[372] Does weed ever go bad?

[373] That's smart.

[374] No, it doesn't.

[375] I mean, it loses its potency a little bit, but you're talking about six months to a year.

[376] It's fine.

[377] It's going to be dry and it's going to hit you harder.

[378] You're going to get stoned.

[379] Really?

[380] Yeah.

[381] Joey likes drying his weed out.

[382] He takes his weed and puts it on like a radiator.

[383] Me too.

[384] Dry that shit out, cocksucker.

[385] I used to keep it in the freezer.

[386] Really?

[387] Yeah, I used to do that too, but it gets moisture in it that way.

[388] I like it dry.

[389] I like it to burn and make a joint.

[390] What's good about the freezer?

[391] Supposedly, you put anything in a freezer that lasts longer, be it batteries.

[392] Yeah, I'm asking you that, but meanwhile, I put my coffee in the freezer.

[393] I don't know why I do that.

[394] Yeah, exactly.

[395] I think my parents did it.

[396] I just sort of did it because people suggested it or somebody said it somewhere, and then after a while, I was like, why am I doing this?

[397] I'm getting through this weed fast enough that I don't need to freeze it for another generation.

[398] This edible thing taught me a lesson, man. I will not eat anybody else's shit and then go on stage.

[399] It was a dude that I had known, and I...

[400] He's one of those professionals.

[401] Nobody can ever know, though.

[402] Yeah, but you buy it at a store, you're buying it from somebody you don't know.

[403] Oh, no, totally.

[404] No, you're totally true.

[405] Everybody to me is always like, just eat half of this.

[406] And every time I take them up on it, it's either much stronger than that implied or weaker than that implied.

[407] Right.

[408] Like people are never really that.

[409] That's what I like about smoking is the people behind the counter and the dispensary can give you a little bit more specific guidance than you can with edibles.

[410] It's always just like, yeah.

[411] It'll hit you or it won't in about an hour.

[412] Some of these assholes put too much in.

[413] They need to get Amazon reviews.

[414] They do, man. You're right.

[415] They need Amazon reviews.

[416] Every time you take a purple rec from this store, this is what happened.

[417] This is how much it took.

[418] There was a job in Colorado, one of the local newspapers, to be a marijuana critic.

[419] And I got the job.

[420] I signed up for it.

[421] And they were like, are you serious?

[422] I'm like, fuck yeah.

[423] I want to write.

[424] It was right before we had to move.

[425] But when I was there, I was going to go to different weed stores and grade them.

[426] But somebody else is doing that now.

[427] They should.

[428] I think they gave that job to somebody.

[429] I remember reading about it somewhere.

[430] Yeah, that's something they wanted to do.

[431] I read it on some celeb stoner or something.

[432] Some website was talking about it.

[433] I thought of earlier when you mentioned Doug Stanhope.

[434] It was funny a couple days ago.

[435] I worked at a club, and the guy wrote me a check, and I went home.

[436] I didn't really look at it, and I went home.

[437] And the next morning, I looked at it, and he'd written the check out to Doug Stanhope.

[438] Like, it was late, and he was tired, and Doug plays that club, too.

[439] So it was funny that he wrote down the wrong name.

[440] He's like degenerate number two.

[441] Have you ever gotten a check that says Joe Piscopo on it?

[442] No, Tony Danza Jr. I signed credit cards.

[443] Well, that's just a flat out.

[444] Do you?

[445] Stuff like that.

[446] Anytime I sign a credit card, any kind of credit card slip, I always write something like tacos.

[447] Let me ask you this.

[448] Why?

[449] Because your hair is.

[450] Are you free to change the way you sign your shirt?

[451] Yes.

[452] You can't say that your T is not a B. You're just a sloppy cursive writer.

[453] That's not what I'm saying.

[454] Say if you have a signature, right?

[455] Your signature is supposed to represent how you write it.

[456] It's your own very unique way of doing it.

[457] Right.

[458] Can you just decide, I don't like it that way.

[459] Now I'm going to do this with a star in the middle of it.

[460] Well, you're just helping them out because then you could get every letter of the alphabet.

[461] You know exactly what your handwriting style looks like.

[462] Right, but it's your signature.

[463] You're still writing the same word every time.

[464] What I'm saying is could you just totally change it up?

[465] Yeah, that's what I do.

[466] Every time I sign a credit card, I do Brad Pitt or I Hate Tacos.

[467] So what's the point if you're totally changing it up and if that's cool, if you're allowed to do that, what's the point in having a signature then?

[468] Because you have to say, did you sign this?

[469] Is this your signature?

[470] You go, yes, I did sign that.

[471] That's it.

[472] What about the one where you're signing that screen thingy?

[473] Isn't that kind of at least capturing the...

[474] image and checking to see if it matches how you know.

[475] No, no, no, no, no. It's just writing it.

[476] It's just printing it on everything.

[477] It's just printing it.

[478] So you could just, on those things, you could just write type.

[479] Yeah, you could type stars in anything.

[480] Well, when I was a kid, I could imitate Gene Simmons' signature.

[481] I could imitate Ace Freely's because I had copied over their signatures.

[482] I was a huge Kiss fan.

[483] And someone could do that with you easy, especially in those little stupid things at the credit card where you're signing your name.

[484] That doesn't look like how you write your name.

[485] It's not even close.

[486] And who cares?

[487] You know how I learned it because I...

[488] A girl I used to date would type her name in cursive letters.

[489] It took fucking like an extra minute.

[490] I'm just like, that's it.

[491] You're not doing this anymore.

[492] This drives me crazy.

[493] It's an extra minute at the cash register.

[494] I just started signing it for her.

[495] I started saying like farts and fuck face and tacos.

[496] I usually just do tacos and stuff with Brad Pitt.

[497] Yeah, yeah.

[498] Tacos and Brad Pitt.

[499] Interesting obsessions.

[500] They got the new taco -shaped Brad Pitt fleshlight if you'd like to try it.

[501] Yep.

[502] That reminded me of something, though.

[503] Oh, what I do is I have a signature that I sign for stuff with, and then when people ask me to sign stuff, I just print my name.

[504] Oh.

[505] But I always try to say something nice to them, so it's at least personalized, but they're not really getting my signature.

[506] They're just getting my name written out.

[507] Hmm.

[508] Interesting.

[509] How do you sign?

[510] Because I'm just paranoid about this whole identity theft thing.

[511] So you won't sign things because of that?

[512] Yeah.

[513] Wow.

[514] That's weird.

[515] I mean, why let someone, like a Gene Simmons wouldn't want somebody to be able to do a great job with his signature, I would imagine.

[516] Yeah, well, you know, you should definitely be paranoid about identity theft when it comes to credit cards, but I don't really think you should worry about your signature.

[517] It's too easy to duplicate.

[518] Just carry around a stamp.

[519] I mean, you'd have to, I don't think.

[520] I mean, who has the kind of technology?

[521] But also you can't read my signature.

[522] And I think when you're signing something for somebody, when they show it to people, you know, if it has your name on it, that's one thing.

[523] But if you're just signing anything, then when somebody looks at it, I think it's nice to go, oh, Doug Benson wrote that.

[524] My signature, you can't read what it is.

[525] I don't think that handwriting, I don't think they're that good at that, at recognizing.

[526] You know, shit.

[527] I think you could imitate it.

[528] You could figure out how to write somebody's signature.

[529] And you could probably pull it off close enough.

[530] Yeah, you just have to find it somewhere.

[531] You just have to watch their emotions.

[532] If you watch them, if you film them do it, and you saw how they do it, you could just imitate it.

[533] Well, that's where my paranoia sets in, is when I'm at the ATM, the beeping noises that the numbers make, that takes the privacy out of the number.

[534] If someone was just...

[535] watching the site and and recording it right they could figure out the numbers easy and then like you know jack you up around the corner and then use your card and take out whatever the maximum is what did you see the new thing there's a new app for chase bank that that you could actually scan a check front and back and i with your iphone and send it and it deposits the check and then you just rip up the check Wow, that's too ethereal.

[536] What about using your iPhone to check in on a plane?

[537] Like the barcode for your ticket can be on your iPhone, and I just run that.

[538] My fear is, you know, your iPhone's dead, then you don't have a ticket.

[539] Yeah, and your iPhones die, man. Especially if you fuck around a lot.

[540] The new one dies so fast.

[541] You make a video and your power's half gone.

[542] Yeah, you've got to think about that if you're using the camera for sure.

[543] But it's such a great thing to have a good camera.

[544] The other day we were in San Francisco and we ate some Chinese food after the show.

[545] It was like 2 o 'clock in the morning.

[546] We were outside.

[547] I saw it.

[548] I watched it.

[549] The hoe truck?

[550] You tweeted it and I watched it.

[551] And I was like, he must be so high.

[552] Because you kept saying it's the craziest shit you ever saw.

[553] And I know.

[554] You're at UFC fights every other week, so I know you've seen some crazier shit than a bunch of strippers in the back of some sort of weird plastic car.

[555] I definitely have seen some crazier shit, definitely.

[556] But it was crazy, and I was so high.

[557] Yeah, yeah.

[558] It's just like, you can't believe it, and now to be able to just share it with everybody, you were like Double Rainbow, but with a fucking van full of strippers.

[559] He was so excited about it.

[560] It was so ridiculous to me. It was such a sign of the times to me. It was like a scene in a movie right before the meteor hit, right before the aliens landed.

[561] Somebody audio -tuned that Joe's video.

[562] Audio -tuned Joe's video.

[563] There's this big clear box that pulls up.

[564] and there's girls dancing.

[565] It's a fish tank of skanks, and they're dancing.

[566] I mean, it was the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen in my life.

[567] It's for the Hustler Club.

[568] We had to rewind the video to find out.

[569] But the cops pulled them over because they should be sitting while it's in motion?

[570] Yeah, you can't be dancing while we're driving.

[571] But they just did like a quick boop.

[572] They didn't really like, because that was what I was waiting for, is like them having to get out and get cuffed.

[573] We thought that might have happened.

[574] We thought they might be going to jail.

[575] Like maybe it's illegal to do that, because it seems so ridiculous.

[576] But apparently it's not.

[577] One of the things that was funny is when we were filming, the girl, and I didn't film their faces.

[578] I wouldn't.

[579] I did specifically, did it so I knew I was going to put it online.

[580] They were already in a plastic car.

[581] I know.

[582] If I'm going to put it online, you don't need to see your face online.

[583] Just their butts and boobs.

[584] What if you're only stripping for a week, and then all of a sudden, that shit's up.

[585] the internet forever so i didn't use their face but anyway while i'm filming it the girl goes no filming like we're in the club like bitch you're in front of a chinese restaurant okay you're not at the club if we're at the club and i'm filming you yeah that's a dick move but you just can't come out into the real world in your underwear and i can't take a picture of that that's crazy well that's like the uh The sexy top and the, you know, keep your eyes up here, mister.

[586] It's like, well, come on.

[587] Jesus Christ.

[588] You know what you're doing.

[589] Right.

[590] You know how the game works.

[591] Yeah.

[592] They only want you to look if they want you to look.

[593] But, you know, it's there for everybody.

[594] My eyes are here.

[595] God damn it.

[596] Yeah, let's do this.

[597] I wonder if you're in a Popemobile for strippers and you don't want us to look at you.

[598] It's awesome, though.

[599] It was awesome.

[600] It was just like such a – first of all, just a perfect representation of how nutty San Francisco is.

[601] San Francisco is such a nutty town.

[602] Well, it's just that probably no one will complain about that.

[603] No one.

[604] And I'm sure some kids saw it.

[605] Oh, a lot.

[606] It's just so liberal there, so open -minded.

[607] It's a weird town, man. I wonder if that law with sitting down while you're turning the corner, if it came from like the back in the old days where it was like a pickup truck and girls would just fly off the side of the car.

[608] Well, I think you have to have your seatbelt on.

[609] I think if you're in a car, you have to wear a seatbelt, right?

[610] I mean, that's a law.

[611] If you get pulled over for something else, I think.

[612] No, no, no, no, no. No, they can pull you over for seatbelts alone.

[613] I had no idea.

[614] I thought it was an add -on charge.

[615] No, it's illegal.

[616] I was in a cab in San Francisco and the crusty older lady cab driver told me, She goes, if you ever want to drive around without a seatbelt on, because she goes, I don't like how seatbelts feel.

[617] I don't like to have it on.

[618] Especially if you've got big boobs, it must be an annoying thing.

[619] So she fastens it behind her back.

[620] She's sitting there.

[621] Because what the cops look for is the glint of the buckle.

[622] because you haven't got it pulled down.

[623] You don't have the buckle pulled down.

[624] So they see that, and then they can pull you over for that, and then get you for other shit.

[625] Pull you over for glint, dude.

[626] Yeah, they pull you over for that, and then they go, oh, we thought you had your seatbelt off, and then they can, you know, oh, we smell marijuana or whatever.

[627] If you get pulled over for not wearing a seatbelt, you're a douche.

[628] Any cop just pulls you, oh, I'm just going to pull this person over for her seatbelt.

[629] I like wearing it, to be honest with you.

[630] I've been pulled over for that.

[631] I've had a guy tell me to do it.

[632] Really?

[633] And he said, he said,