Reggie Watts

[0] Hi, my name is Reggie Watts, and I feel quixotic about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[1] Very nice.

[2] I love that.

[3] No one's used that word yet.

[4] I don't think it's been used on the podcast.

[5] On the earth in at least 20 years.

[6] Yeah, that's true.

[7] Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brandy shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are going to be.

[8] be friends.

[9] We are going to be friends.

[10] I'm ready when you are.

[11] And even when you're not, it's Betty Crocker's ready to mix frosting.

[12] Hey there.

[13] Welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[14] I came in hot.

[15] I think there are days where I come in hot and today I am nuclear -fueled Conan.

[16] Had a good workout this morning.

[17] Oh.

[18] Yep.

[19] Lifted a lot of, well, thank you very much.

[20] You don't just get a body like mine.

[21] You need to really abuse yourself.

[22] Sona, good to see you.

[23] Nice to see you too.

[24] You did come in Because we were laughing and you're like, no one can laugh without me. When I hear laughter in a room I'm not in, I suspect fraud.

[25] You know, it's like a company that couldn't possibly make that.

[26] It just doesn't seem right.

[27] I'm always like, what?

[28] Laughter and I'm not there?

[29] This must be some, someone's, something just is fundamentally wrong.

[30] So I came rushing in here.

[31] Yeah.

[32] And then I guess Gourley was chuckling everybody.

[33] I was just telling them something that you had said earlier that was so funny.

[34] There we go.

[35] There we go.

[36] All right.

[37] Well, that makes sense.

[38] I'm satisfied.

[39] My name is Joy Killer.

[40] What?

[41] I must go crush it.

[42] Make it about me. Yeah.

[43] I just noticed Sona's wedding ring.

[44] Yeah.

[45] Yeah, I was just about to hit on you.

[46] No. No, I was going to say it was your hand was out and it was tilted and it's very nice.

[47] Quite a rock.

[48] I have, my fingers got skinnier.

[49] So I have this plastic coil around it and I've had it there.

[50] Can't you just go to a jeweler and they can quickly resize it?

[51] Well, because I think I'm going to, it's going to go back up, I'm sure, I think.

[52] So I'm just leaving it there.

[53] So it's going to just get bigger.

[54] Eventually the whole ring is just going to be a plastic coil, I think.

[55] Yeah.

[56] Why don't you just lose that?

[57] I'll hold on to the actual diamond and you can just wear a plastic coil.

[58] No, no. You'll get it back at one point.

[59] I don't want to do that.

[60] Well, anyway, I just noticed it, and it's nice.

[61] Thank you.

[62] I don't think I ever looked at it really before.

[63] Thank you.

[64] I actually don't even think I look at you very often.

[65] Oh, that's nice.

[66] No, no. I'm just very so focused on me and what I'm doing.

[67] Yeah, well, that's clear.

[68] Yeah.

[69] And so I don't, oh, goarly.

[70] That's me. This is what I look like.

[71] Oh, my God.

[72] You usually have a mirror in front of both of us.

[73] Just so you never have to actually look at it.

[74] I make every employee at Team Coco wear an oval mirror on their face.

[75] It's a two -way mirror so they can see through it, but you just see yourself.

[76] No, I actually am insisting on a one -way mirror, so they crash into things and get into terrible car accidents.

[77] Yeah, it's a mess around here of just broken glass.

[78] People are just smashing into the wall all the time, but I'm happy because I just see me, me, me, me, I'm an opera singer, warming up, me, me, me, me, me, me did come in hot.

[79] You're singing a lot, too.

[80] Yeah, I sure am.

[81] But you didn't come in hot.

[82] That usually implies like coming hot, you're grumpy, you're mad, you've got something to prove.

[83] No, you came and kind of just, you're just living, you're buzzing.

[84] You know what?

[85] I'm happy.

[86] Life is good.

[87] I'm happy to be here at the podcast.

[88] I'm with some of my favorite people.

[89] Hold on.

[90] Let me put on my glasses.

[91] Oh, shit.

[92] I didn't see who was in the room.

[93] I'm sorry.

[94] No, I thought I was with Jeff Goldblum and the ghost of Abraham Lincoln.

[95] And then it turns out it's squirley and I apologize.

[96] I wish Jeff Goldwell was here.

[97] And the ghost of Abraham Lincoln.

[98] It'd be like, I'm just, was at the theater.

[99] What the fuck?

[100] And I'm like, Gabe.

[101] You wrote the Gettysburg dress and you just said, what the fuck?

[102] I've told you that sketch.

[103] I always wanted to write where I think I mentioned on the air once.

[104] Lincoln is in heaven and he's walking around and he sees a group having a really good time and he goes up to the group because they're all laughing real hard and John Wilkes Booth is at the center.

[105] And Lincoln's like, what the fuck is he doing up here in heaven?

[106] And they're like, you know what?

[107] He was really good to his mom and da -da -da -da.

[108] That night with you, he was having an off night.

[109] He was having an off night.

[110] And Lincoln's really mad and they're like, come on, Abe.

[111] And then Booth was like, you know, I, Mr. Lincoln, I'm sorry.

[112] I don't know what I was thinking, but I am a big fan.

[113] He goes to shake Lincoln's hands and Lincoln swats it out of the way.

[114] Like, I'm not going to shake your hand.

[115] And then everyone else, Aristotle, Gandhi, everybody else was like, whoa, Abe, not cool.

[116] I had this idea like 25 years ago and I never wrote it.

[117] You should make this happen because you've mentioned it a few times.

[118] I know.

[119] For your birthday.

[120] Yeah.

[121] How does it end?

[122] Yeah, does it have a button?

[123] They get into a fight and Booth shoots Lincoln again.

[124] Oh, no. And then he goes to second heaven.

[125] But everyone says like, you know, Abe, you were kind of being a dick.

[126] And Abe's, so Abe gets sent down to hell.

[127] I don't know.

[128] I don't know how it ends.

[129] But this has just been spitballed.

[130] You've never written it?

[131] I've talked about it.

[132] I've talked about it a lot.

[133] I have so many sketches in my head that I never wrote because they just seemed too weird and arbitrary.

[134] But that one always amused me. I want to know what something is too weird for you.

[135] Because have you seen some of the shit you put on TV?

[136] What a nice way to play it.

[137] You know, I'm going to make sure if I ever, if I ever get a major award for my work in comedy, I'm going to have Sona give it to me and she'll do the speech up front.

[138] Here they give the award to Conan O 'Brien after 90 years in comedy is Sonam Obsessian.

[139] You know, I don't know much about Conan, but have you seen some of this shit he did?

[140] I meant that in a loving way.

[141] I'm sure you did.

[142] In an admiring way.

[143] I just, I don't like your wedding.

[144] ring anymore.

[145] Oh, okay.

[146] That'll show you.

[147] Oh, no. Yeah, I think it's poorly fitted to your finger.

[148] There, that'll show you.

[149] All right, gang.

[150] Let's all settle down.

[151] Okay.

[152] I like when I make it sound like we've got to get down to business and then it's talking to a funny person and being idiots.

[153] It's not like we're about to start an algebra class.

[154] But anyway, my guest today, of course, a talented musician comedian and now author with his new memoir entitled Great Falls, Montana, Fast Times, Post -Punk Weirdos, and a tale of coming home again.

[155] Very excited he's here today.

[156] My friend Reggie Watts, welcome.

[157] Reggie, you and I got some history, and that's why I'm so thrilled that you're here today.

[158] Real history.

[159] Yes.

[160] You have written a book, and you have a fantastic story to tell, and you're a very talented, and also a very strange fellow, let's just be honest.

[161] I mean, the Glasses alone.

[162] Hold up those glasses so our viewers can see and our listeners.

[163] Those are, are they hexagons?

[164] What are those?

[165] They're hexy.

[166] They're hexagons.

[167] Yeah.

[168] The future's hexie.

[169] How many, now I'm going to take, because I don't know if Matt goarly, and Sona knows this, but I don't know if Matt knows that Sona was on the tour.

[170] Yes.

[171] We did this, uh, kooky tour, which was really fun and out there in 2010.

[172] and it was a real happening and we needed someone to open for me on this tour that went all around the United States of America and we of course, we found Mr. Reggie Watts and Reggie was a great opener for the show and you did an amazing job and one of the things you did so brilliantly is people were coming to the show we put it together so quickly that nobody knew what it was and I wanted them to know right away this isn't the show you thought you were going to get.

[173] In fact, this is unlike any show you've ever seen.

[174] So you can't just have a standard, I just can't have a comedian come out and go hey, everybody, how's it going?

[175] How are you doing?

[176] Hey, what's with the sweater?

[177] Who died and gave you the sweater?

[178] Because they were dead and didn't need the sweater anymore.

[179] That guy sucks.

[180] Oh, that guy's terrible.

[181] He sucks.

[182] He's dead so he doesn't need the swatter, but the sweater's what fucking killed him.

[183] Anyway, I love that comment.

[184] It's a great bit.

[185] He is good in context.

[186] He's very good in context.

[187] And you should really see the sweater he would go after every night.

[188] And it was the same sweater.

[189] Plant.

[190] It was a plant.

[191] Anyway, we couldn't get that guy.

[192] I wanted that guy so badly.

[193] His name's Hackby, Hackenstein.

[194] We couldn't get him.

[195] No, but someone had heard of, have you seen Reggie Watts?

[196] And you were not a known quantity at the time, but we saw you and you were absolutely exactly what I wanted.

[197] And you would, I mean, I came in describe what you would do, but it was so original and so fun and so interesting and so different that people would come in and they'd see the warm up and they would think, you were there, Sona, like, oh, my God, what is happening?

[198] What is this going to be?

[199] And it was great.

[200] You were perfect.

[201] But you did one thing that completely blew me away.

[202] And then I'm going to let you speak at some point, but I'm just going to monologue for a while because it's Reggie Watts and I'm very excited.

[203] You would, no matter, we were touring in the summer.

[204] It was very hot.

[205] this gentleman would wear very, very heavy sweaters all the time and lots of corduroy and suspenders and layers and layers.

[206] And we would be in Texas.

[207] We would be in, you tell me, Georgia, it would be 130 degrees.

[208] Yeah.

[209] And you would be walking around, you never sweat.

[210] And then I would be sitting in my dressing room alone doing guitar.

[211] scales and trying to warm up my vocals for the show and just trying to get ready.

[212] And then I would wander down the hallway and I would pass Reggie's dressing room.

[213] And you will testify that this is true, Sona.

[214] I would pass Reggie's dressing room.

[215] And it was always a happening.

[216] Yes.

[217] I would look in the room and there was always about 35 people there, beautiful women, but with like an eye patch, a beautiful one with an eye patch and a falcon on her shoulder.

[218] Oh, yeah.

[219] Tanya.

[220] Yeah, exactly.

[221] Tanya.

[222] I mean, it really did.

[223] The coolest people I've ever seen.

[224] And it was, it was, they were always different.

[225] Every time it was different people.

[226] Oh, there's a German man with a miner's helmet and he's got a goat with him, but he's also drinking absinth.

[227] And it was just this insane collection of human beings.

[228] And they would always look at me like, mm, was his loss.

[229] and you'd be like oh hey Conan I'd be like oh hey and you would all be like a hookah there are doves in the room Prince was there I don't know like you had the it was always a happening you're the coolest guy I've met how did you do that and we'd be nowhere we'd be like oh we're here in Tallahassee and there are those people again and they don't did you fly them in I don't know how that you know what really, it had to do with the tour.

[230] I mean, who wouldn't want to come and hang out backstage at your tour?

[231] It was pretty fun.

[232] People were like, what is happening?

[233] Like, they were like, as much as you're saying, like, what is happening with this guy?

[234] Like, my friends were like, what, what's going on with Conan?

[235] It's like, I'm opening for it.

[236] It's impossible.

[237] Let me come, you know?

[238] And I'd be like, yeah, it was easy, you know, everyone was so excited.

[239] It was so weird because we also never knew who was going to be backstage.

[240] And whatever state or city we were in, the most famous people from that state or city would show up.

[241] And so, you know, we'd be in Seattle and it'd say, oh, you know, Eddie Vedder is going to Pearl Jam's going to come do something on the show.

[242] And I'd be like, what?

[243] And I'd say, this isn't funny.

[244] This is hurtful, this prank.

[245] And then Eddie Vedder would, yeah, go ahead.

[246] One of my favorite.

[247] And this is Aaron Blair at speaking.

[248] Yes.

[249] And I discourage his interruptions, but go ahead, Aaron.

[250] I remember.

[251] And just so you know, you'll never be allowed to speak.

[252] Oh, no, no, no. I know that.

[253] I saw that in the contract.

[254] That's who it was so nuts.

[255] I have a specific memory of being in San Francisco, and I was backstage, like, trying to get from one side of the stage to the other, and there's this very narrow hallway.

[256] And I'm kind of walking very fast down the hallway, and you're talking to somebody.

[257] And I just go to kind of push this person away.

[258] And as I'm about to touch on the other, I realize you're talking to Neil Young.

[259] Yeah.

[260] And I was like, oh, yeah, maybe I'll just wait.

[261] Yeah, don't you fucking manhandling at Young.

[262] I just waited.

[263] But you were such a good, I don't know, it was one of those, so many things.

[264] went miraculously right on that tour, and I would say the first thing was, oh, our opener, which was a total Hail Mary, it was Reggie Watts.

[265] And you just set the tone right away, and whatever happened on that crazy tour, you were like, uh -huh, of course this is happening.

[266] And then, of course, as I got to know you better throughout the tour, which was a real delight.

[267] And I've seen your career blossom so beautifully subsequently.

[268] And now you have this book out.

[269] I realize that you have this improbable background that kind of made you coming into that tour feel like, yeah, what else you got?

[270] You know what I mean?

[271] I don't think a weird situation could be created for you that you couldn't handle.

[272] You know, honestly, that's an amazing observation because that's how it feels.

[273] Because, you know, like all the stuff that I did that I chose electively to do, and that was available to me growing up, and that stuff was pretty weird.

[274] I'm going to take people through it quickly just to set the table.

[275] And then, obviously, I want you to tell this story, but you are born, you're born with no citizenship, okay?

[276] Where were you born in Stuttgart?

[277] Stuttgart, Germany.

[278] Stuttgart, close to Zuffenhausen.

[279] Okay.

[280] Well, that goes without saying.

[281] Right here, the town of Lederhaus.

[282] Of course.

[283] Lederhausen, Zuffenhaus.

[284] And your dad was Air Force servicemen, right?

[285] And so you're born, you're a military brat, and you move a lot.

[286] Yeah, a few times.

[287] I will say, like, a lot for the amount of time that we did move.

[288] Other friends of mine were like, I was in Oklahoma for two years.

[289] Then I went to partial high school and partial junior high.

[290] For me, it's like we moved around, we moved to three different, four different countries and then ended up in the United States.

[291] Right.

[292] Until about three and a half or four.

[293] And you have this experience of you're living in Europe.

[294] Your parents are a biracial couple.

[295] And that is very accepted.

[296] And then you move to Montana where there may be a different vibe, I'm guessing.

[297] Yeah.

[298] And I'm not just guessing it's in your book.

[299] So tell us about that.

[300] It was very interesting.

[301] I mean, it was a mix of being aware of that.

[302] and also not are we allowed to cuss on here it's actually encouraged okay well and also and I also just didn't give a fudge about it that's a little harsh sorry guys fudge is fudge is not one of our favorite desserts can we take that out can we mip that out yeah we have a delay I love a hot fuck Sunday but I despise a hot fudge sundae it's so close I'm so dangerous if you haven't had a hot fuck Sunday you haven't lived Oh, my lord, my lord, let me write down that time code.

[303] So it's interesting because don't you think, and I've always had this theory that growing up kind of with the, what many people would describe as the radical instability of mixed race parents, Europe, moving constantly in radically different countries, not really sure what the hell's going on, prepares you in a weird way to say, I'm going with whatever.

[304] Oh, 100%.

[305] I mean, everywhere that I go, I had to learn how to adapt because I was always ill -equipped.

[306] You know, I wasn't speaking English very fluently when I first started going to preschool.

[307] So for me, I, you know, I was trying my best, but I had to learn English pretty quickly.

[308] And then I had to learn how to make friends.

[309] And, you know, friends were like, oh, this guy's weird, you know.

[310] And so I had to figure out ways to quickly get in to people's, like, center of, like, who they are.

[311] And that, that worked pretty well.

[312] think eventually like you just get it's all about your rep even like in the entertainment industry it's like you know your reputation it says a lot about how you can i get hired it's it's it kind of goes back then too in school it's like if you work on you know being someone who's helpful and funny and joking all the time and slightly warnery but like you know with good good intentions that's your rep and and it helps goes a long way with friends yeah i've always maintained comedy who's not a hobby It's a defense mechanism that's learned very, it's a survival mechanism that you learn very early.

[313] It's totally true.

[314] You learn it very early and then you forge your whole life around it.

[315] And then someone later on in the process, people go, oh, we'll give you a check for that.

[316] And you go, what?

[317] It's like, no. I've been using that to stay alive.

[318] I was like, okay.

[319] All right.

[320] Are you sure?

[321] This is what kept me from being beaten by those hooligans.

[322] Oh, my God.

[323] So many fights averted.

[324] You move to Great Falls, Montana.

[325] And I love this because the cover of your book, and I want people to get this book, but it's It's the cuckiest book cover I've ever seen.

[326] It's your head floating majestically disembodied above the, it looks like the falls in Great Falls, Montana.

[327] Yeah, it's the Anaconda Hydroelectric Dam.

[328] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[329] You know, I'm mad at you because I need to write my autobiography.

[330] You do.

[331] There's a lot of pressure on me to write it.

[332] And my idea was my head floating above a hydroelectric dam somewhere in the Midwest.

[333] I got you.

[334] Yeah, Western Midwest.

[335] And so I'm screwed.

[336] Thank you.

[337] WMW.

[338] That's fine.

[339] There's a couple more ideas you can use.

[340] Did you encounter racism when you were a kid when showing up in this environment?

[341] For sure.

[342] Some of it I kind of chose to not acknowledge, you know, just just keep doing my thing.

[343] But definitely they were like full on, you know, I got chased by some guys in a pickup truck with a BB gun, you know, like, and I was like trying to hide from stuff for a while.

[344] that was fun um but you know really while it was happening i was like oh this is what it's like just kidding you're like this is a valuable experience okay cool so this is what it's like did you look to a camera that wasn't there totally totally i did i said are we still rolling i just yelled up to the sky whatever although terrifying running from these racists is a valuable experience i'll probably learn from it well back to running back to running again and i don't even like running no I mean, there were, I think there were, I remember my gym teacher.

[345] I don't know if it was in the book or not, but there was my gym teacher.

[346] He and I had this weird, like, I just didn't like him.

[347] He didn't like me. And I remember walking to the gym and he was in the hallway before going into the gymnasium.

[348] And it was just he and I, and he kind of pulled me aside.

[349] And he was like, I want you to know that you're not fit to eat with pigs.

[350] And then, and then I just looked at him.

[351] I was like, thank you so much.

[352] And then I walked away.

[353] And it was like.

[354] People saying stuff like that to me, I was like, what are you doing?

[355] Like for me, it wasn't so much like, oh, I feel hurt by it.

[356] It's mostly I was just, I was going to like, what are you doing?

[357] Well, it's interesting.

[358] I mean, first of all, that's horrible.

[359] But at the same time, what makes sense about it is that you're refusing to even honor it.

[360] You're refusing to.

[361] Thank you so much.

[362] Yeah, totally.

[363] Good talk.

[364] You got it out.

[365] And then you keep moving and you're totally denying that person, their anger, their rage, whatever is going to give their feet purchase on the ground, which in a way is, genius I identify the aspect I identify with is the non -confrontational aspect right I was always very light on my feet and if people didn't like me or thought I was weird or was coming after me for one of a thousand reasons yeah I I wouldn't stand my ground and go oh yeah what are you going to do about it I would say 35 things that kind of confuse them behave in a strange way and then sort of drift through the wall.

[366] And I'm not, I don't know.

[367] I, I'm not advocating that approach in life because there's part of me that wishes.

[368] Sure.

[369] That in the movies, what you do is you kiss your fist and punch them across the room.

[370] You get your goddamn hands off of my, yeah.

[371] What happened to me is I would kiss my fist and then fall in love with my fist.

[372] And then start tonguing.

[373] Oh, no. And then you would fudge it.

[374] Yeah, exactly.

[375] I would fudge the shit out of that.

[376] My highest compliment I can pay to you is that you are impossible to categorize because you're, he's like, he's a musician, yeah, he's a bandleader.

[377] Well, but he's also, he's a comedian.

[378] Yeah, but he's also an artist, but he's also a prankster.

[379] It's like, which I think is, is great.

[380] It's like you, you refuse to be categorized.

[381] But music must have come to you very early, I would think.

[382] Music, I think music is the secret weapon.

[383] I think for me growing up, I loved music.

[384] My parents loved music.

[385] They listened to it.

[386] My dad was a huge jazz head.

[387] And my mom and he, like, shared their love of jazz, but also specifically, like, more funk, like James Brown and things of that nature.

[388] And my mom loved folk music, like, you know, Nana Muscuri and those types of Eddie P .F. And those types of singers, Julio Glacius.

[389] And so I was around so much music.

[390] Ray Charles was someone I gravitated to as a kid.

[391] I love watching the way that he moved when he played piano.

[392] And then, for some weird reason, Elvis Presley, I was like a huge.

[393] My first record was an Elvis Presley record.

[394] I just, I was impressed with the press.

[395] But he was, you can, that's trademarked.

[396] You will have to meet that.

[397] No one's ever said that about Elvis Presley.

[398] No one's ever.

[399] And everything's been said about him.

[400] And no one's ever said, I'm impressed with the press.

[401] I feel fondly for the Lee.

[402] Lee, press Lee.

[403] Lee for the Lee.

[404] Fondly for the Lee.

[405] What the fuck?

[406] I told you.

[407] What did you know?

[408] No, I mean, but discovering music, like, my parents saw me, like, on my, I would be, like, bedside pretending to be Ray Charles.

[409] I was a mimic as far back as I can remember.

[410] And they saw me doing that, and they got me this toy piano, and I was playing on the toy piano a lot.

[411] And then as soon as we moved to Montana, I think at age like five and a half or something like that, I went into classical piano training and took to it pretty well.

[412] I loved, but I was social.

[413] So for me, it was like, oh, I get to be with all these kids.

[414] And like, oh, I'll learn music, but what about all these kids?

[415] The music was fascinating.

[416] But really, I think that's what creates that adaptability.

[417] Because for me, the one thing I always tell all my artist friends where they're like, you know, I'm doing this one thing, but I'm not sure, I'm thinking about maybe doing painting.

[418] I'm like, those are just extensions of yourself.

[419] It's like if you imagine yourself as like a person sitting on a floor and you're surrounded by all these different medium tools, you can rotate to any position and pick one.

[420] It's like the core is always the same.

[421] You're the creator.

[422] Pick different tools, but you've got the most important part, which is like I have an idea of something I want to do.

[423] And so for me, I think music enabled that because I would be on the playground.

[424] It would save me if, you know, people would be like, oh, they'd be hostile towards me and I would start singing, like, Olivia Newton -John or something, let's get physical.

[425] And they'd be like, oh, that's a good song.

[426] I tried that, and I was, again, savagely beaten.

[427] Were you?

[428] Let's make the right song.

[429] Let's get physical, physical.

[430] Okay.

[431] I know how to stop these hooligans.

[432] Sure thing, O 'Brien.

[433] How about this for physical?

[434] Yeah.

[435] Hey, O 'Brien, we're going to beat the shit out of you.

[436] No, I don't think so, sir.

[437] For I'm about to sing a classic tune by Olivia Newton John.

[438] What the fuck?

[439] Oh, you'll see.

[440] Let's get physical, physical.

[441] When I awoke in the ICU, there's not one unbroken bone in his body.

[442] True, though.

[443] That bully was Olivia Newton -John.

[444] I was just imagining the bullies.

[445] What was she doing at the playground?

[446] Just imagining the bullies going in like, is that all of them?

[447] It's like, I don't know.

[448] I actually, no, I think this pinky.

[449] It's like, okay.

[450] Now a one more.

[451] Get out of your masterpiece.

[452] These are bullies that really took their job seriously.

[453] And if they found out later on there, there was an unbroken pinky.

[454] They were like, you know, you got to respect your crap.

[455] It's a warranty.

[456] Did the teachers just watch this happen too?

[457] Are they joining in?

[458] Oh, they would sell seats.

[459] Oh, my God.

[460] O 'Brien, left uppercut.

[461] O 'Brien, watch out.

[462] There's another beating of O 'Brien.

[463] Everyone to the north side of the parking lot.

[464] Roger that.

[465] We're suspending all lessons for the day.

[466] The SAT has been canceled.

[467] The PSAT has been canceled.

[468] No one's going to college.

[469] Goodyear Blint passes.

[470] It's already got like messaging about me. The Conan beating.

[471] You know what else can take a beating?

[472] A good year tire.

[473] I know, totally.

[474] Yeah, soft focus, hard on the tire.

[475] So it's funny, you're also, you're so influenced, you're so influenced.

[476] by pop culture at this time too because you're a sponge and and and uh you are uh watching television you're watching movies and you're picking up on comedy what stuff are you watching what are you loving man i would well we were kind of speaking earlier uh about um the pink panther pink panther of peter sellers yes and my my dad and i would watch those and i remember probably the most intense laughter I ever had with my father that I can remember is Peter Sellers doing that bit where he's on the parallel bars.

[477] I'm talking about, I've talked about the same thing.

[478] Oh my God.

[479] I swear to God, this is in my, this is in my, if I only left with eight images in my brain before I die, okay, I'll reserve some for my two children and my wife.

[480] Okay.

[481] I'll give them three spots.

[482] But then the rest is going to be, and one of them is going to be Peter Sellers on the parallel bars upstairs.

[483] Upstairs.

[484] In the mansion.

[485] Next to a flight of stairs, going down.

[486] Yes.

[487] Dismounts with a graceful dismount and falls down the stairs.

[488] Look this up on YouTube or wherever you want to see it.

[489] He's because he's so poppy.

[490] He's like, ah, is it parallel bars?

[491] I did this at the Lyceum, you know, and he gets on them and he's doing, and then he dismounts and then and crashes into the room where the staff has been assembled for his questioning.

[492] And my favorite thing is he enters a room with all of his dignity and authority stripped.

[493] Because he just fell down a sleight of stairs.

[494] But he immediately stands up.

[495] Yes.

[496] And, well, we'll just see it.

[497] Yeah, that scene when that was, I mean, because you're just watching it and going, okay, sure.

[498] All right, swinging back and forth.

[499] That's great.

[500] All right, cool.

[501] So you're done with your Salisbury State?

[502] And then that happens.

[503] And, like, my dad and I lost it.

[504] We were laughing for quite a while.

[505] That's so funny because of those, I would go to the movie theater when those movies would come out.

[506] And I would go, my family would go, and my father would go.

[507] And that's where I would, you always pay attention to, and this is what I can relate to, is I would watch my dad.

[508] Like, if my dad was laughing really hard, that was, because when you're a kid, and sometimes you're not sure how you're going to connect with your dad.

[509] True.

[510] I think times have changed a little bit, but if at all you feel that I don't quite know how to connect with this guy, he can seem remote.

[511] Sometimes I'm grumpy and I'm scared.

[512] He's at work a lot.

[513] And then when you see him laughing really hard at that, at a moment in a Pink Panther movie like that, that was, that there's no coincidence that later on you find out, huh, I'm in comedy.

[514] Yeah.

[515] Oh, man. This is my way of connecting to people.

[516] 100%.

[517] My dad, my, and my dad was like very strange guy.

[518] You know, he was like very quiet because he was a war vet.

[519] And he was obviously more animated when I was younger.

[520] But he, it was just like few and far between.

[521] like those were our moments to connect was really humor him laughing at me like doing something dumb or whatever or like hiding peas you know like in my pocket when they weren't looking and then like him discovering it and then just like laughing about it like those types of things he and not to but it's in your book he had PTSD he had a lot of trauma from from serving it he had been in vietnam he had been in vietnam he hadn't seen like a ton of action but he did see some action um towards the end of his second round in Vietnam and so I think you know all that stuff catches up to you even if you're not like on the front line even if you're on the base and I mean like he was I think he was on a base and had gotten notice that they were surrounded and that the the the Vietnamese were closing in on this base and so everybody was arming up and getting ready and then there was a then there was a notice that said the war was over yeah so it's didn't happen but I mean I couldn't imagine the stress of just like this impending thing and you're like I don't know what's I don't know how this is right now the all of that definitely got to him and and so I mean that I will say that unlike some of my friends who've had difficult times with their fathers I think he did the best he could yeah with what he had yeah really you know and who knows he was ill prepared for that they also didn't have any help there was like nobody going like well they've got shell shock let's let's sit down and talk about it right that was more esoteric or it was more for people that were a little bit more forward thinking.

[522] My mom was always like, go in the basement and yell, you know, and he would, he just wouldn't do any of that stuff.

[523] He'd just kind of be silent and hang out in the dark at 2 a .m. So, but you could connect to him through comedy and through music.

[524] Yes, yes.

[525] Yeah, I think he wasn't like a guy that was like, I'm really proud of you, son.

[526] He didn't do that, but you kind of knew when I knew when he dug something.

[527] Or he would just be like, oh, man, this guy's crazy.

[528] Or, you know, he would shake his head and have this grin on his face.

[529] And I knew that that was him going like, I don't know what this guy is, but I like him.

[530] What's interesting to me is that you were in a legit band when you start to discover, I can kind of do comedy using the same tools.

[531] I mean, your repertoire is you can play all these different instruments, but also by messing around with pedals, getting different sounds going, you're able to start to make something and repeating phrases, and it's, it's really cool to watch you put it all together.

[532] But when do you start to figure that out and do the members of the legitimate band get irritated that you're doing that?

[533] Do you know what I mean?

[534] Massively irritated.

[535] Yes.

[536] People would be annoyed with me doing comedic bits.

[537] Because, you know, I did comedy in high school.

[538] We had competitive drama.

[539] So we got to, I got to do humorous solo the first year.

[540] And it was just very strange to just get on a tour.

[541] us here's $40 for the weekend and two nights at a hotel and good luck competing against other students from around the state and a weird high school on a weekend you know and so but it was great because you'd meet all these other drama kids that are all a bunch of weirdos you know so they're just like doing these crazy monologues and you're like okay great and what am i going to do i don't know but my teacher was like you can do whatever you want that's okay if you want to improvise and then i would improvise so i think all of that and then actually i tried out for a stand -up competition in high school and won it and it was like 300 bucks or something like that and immediately bought like a shit ton of weed for my friends my friends were like great you won do you want to buy some weed like immediately it's like not about like you were great up there and you want it's like we got money now you want to get some you did good at the weed winning competition you're the stand -up thing whatever yeah totally but the weed procuring thing went well i did i did good with weed but like yeah so i mean i think that started creeping back in because you know i have a hyperact imagination and when I'm on stage and I hear a sound or like someone says something and that immediately links to some other silly thing and I can't help it after a while, you know, there were times I understood it.

[542] I mean, you know, you're you don't, you're the drummer back there.

[543] You don't have a mic and you're like, what the fuck is this guy doing?

[544] You know, like, I get it.

[545] It was, I wasn't like, you guys should understand me. But there were definitely moments when I felt them going, like, would you just, can we just play the next song?

[546] Like, yes.

[547] That's It's a good idea.

[548] Let's play the next song.

[549] When did you decide, all right, this is what I'm going to do.

[550] I'm going to go out on my own, and I'm going to use this tech that I have and my improvisational skills and my wits.

[551] And I'm going to make this musical mashup of music comedy.

[552] When does that happen?

[553] I mean, that happened, I think, when I was about 31, 32.

[554] I was in my band Mock Tube, which was a really amazing band to be a part of, a great band.

[555] But we had been, I think we'd been together for five years and we'd gone through a bunch of hype cycles with labels and like, you know, execs coming out, Jimmy Iovine coming out to watch us and like doing showcases in L .A. and stuff like that, Fiper Room.

[556] And it would, we'd almost, almost something would happen.

[557] And then we'd go back to like, oh, they passed or whatever.

[558] And then we would work on another record or something like that.

[559] And I just wasn't seeing it evolving beyond, you know, the third time that we'd gone through that so um and i was doing comedy and then i saw uh what are they called the please uh michael show walter michaelian black of the state they have the state uh not the stella yeah i was post state i learned about state later but i saw stella and i was like what is this those dv those short shot on dv and i was like this is my humor these guys know how meaningless things are and like and that's so beautiful and so i am identified with that and then they ended up oh i think Wet Out American Summer came out.

[560] Yeah, and I saw that, and I was like, totally like, oh, that's, yes, I want to do that.

[561] You know, I was so driven and inspired by those things.

[562] And then they happened to come to town.

[563] Stella did come to town.

[564] I met Eugene Murman, and I was introduced by a friend, and he was like, we have a comedy night in New York, you know, and then I ended up writing with a band, and they needed me in New York for the writing session for a month.

[565] So while I was there, I did a couple spots that invite them up and instant friends with everybody.

[566] That's great.

[567] It was like being in high school again.

[568] I mean, when some of my younger friends or younger artists are like, you know, how did you, how do you make it?

[569] And, you know, how did you?

[570] Basically, that's like the question.

[571] But how do you make it?

[572] And I'm like, well, I don't know, you don't have to worry about making it.

[573] Like, what you have to make is the thing that you love to do.

[574] Yes.

[575] And do that.

[576] You know, I always tell people, like, if you wake up in the morning and you can't not be thinking about a bit.

[577] And if you're always doing bits, like, that's kind of what you are.

[578] Yeah.

[579] You're not going to change that.

[580] So you might as well make a career out of it.

[581] No, I've always maintained that my career is me doing what I'd be doing anyway.

[582] And then I was fortunate to find some people who had money and owned the machinery who were like, well, you can do it for us.

[583] But it's the dirty little secret is that if they said, well, we're done and we're taking away all the equipment, I'd say, okay, well, back to my bits.

[584] Yeah, my old bits, like you just open up his closet.

[585] Whatever, and I would just do it in an empty field.

[586] And I think, you know, whatever, a passing dove would say, that seems sad.

[587] He's not aging well.

[588] He sure isn't.

[589] Who are you, Mr. Turtle?

[590] Well, I didn't know you could talk.

[591] Everyone truck.

[592] It just becomes his whole thing about how they can't believe each other can talk.

[593] You're like, but my bits.

[594] But my bits.

[595] We're finding out we can talk.

[596] And you're obsessed with your bit, Conan?

[597] Yeah, but here's my bit about Ronald Reagan.

[598] You know, well, well, well, well, well.

[599] That's not interesting enough.

[600] So how did you learn to talk?

[601] Toadstool!

[602] How could the toadstool not like my Reagan bit?

[603] Oh, my God.

[604] You write in the book that because, I noticed that just in tour that the women are quite taken with Mr. Reggie Watts and then you write in the book that your dream girl is pippy longstocking.

[605] Oh, me too.

[606] Really?

[607] I have a huge crush on Inger Nilsson, the original is it?

[608] Well, also the concept, but yes, she was great.

[609] She was great.

[610] She was a great embodiment of it, yes.

[611] Oh, and Inger called Stop Writing Her Ladders.

[612] Well, no, but because of this show, they interviewed me for a pippy documentary so we talked about it on here and they sent me a signed vinyl with Inger Tommy and Onica Yeah wait who were the other two Tommy and Onica Okay can you fill in just for people that are listening And had some sort of a childhood People want to know who the other two are Tommy and Onica are like her normal kid's sidekicks Okay That's all we needed to know Yeah yeah yeah they're friends They're part of the crew yeah yeah But she's amazing She's amazing she's super strong She had a basement full of treasure So she had unlimited funds She could travel anywhere She could lift a horse She could lift a horse She could She was magical She had like You know red hair I'm half red head You know She had pig tails They were magical And like she had cool style I'm having such a sense memory right now I'm in my grandfather's small house In Miss Quamacut Rhode Island And there's a pippie longstocking movie That comes on And this might have been with Inger And it was And back then there's only three channels.

[613] This TV in Ms. Quamacott, Connecticut, near the state beach, doesn't get many of much reception of anything.

[614] So you'd see the same thing over and over again, and they were running a commercial for the Pippi Longstocking movie.

[615] And there was just one line that rang in my head, which is a weird, overdubbed, someone I think overdubbing.

[616] Yeah, because it was Swedish.

[617] It's Swedish.

[618] Her accent would change from film to film.

[619] She would have just like a transatlantic, and then some films she'd just be like, I'm from Brooklyn, I'm Pippi Longstocking, you know.

[620] Well, okay, so what I remember, you tell me if this at all rings a bell is she's lifting a horse, she's running super fast, like at 100 miles an hour, and they've just sped up her legs.

[621] She's doing all these crazy things, and then they just cut to a very European weird kid, and it looked like poor quality film stock, who goes, Pippi, are you crazy?

[622] Yeah, that's probably Tommy.

[623] Yeah, okay, and I remember seeing that and going, what kind of movie is this?

[624] That my grandfather, a retired policeman, would say, turn that.

[625] crap up.

[626] Pippi, are you crazy?

[627] Wow.

[628] But they're using clips from this podcast in that documentary because we talked about it.

[629] Well, we're going to talk about it more now.

[630] I know.

[631] And where's my cut, by the way?

[632] I want a piece of that.

[633] Pippie money's here.

[634] Picky money.

[635] Give me that long stocking.

[636] I want in on that long stocking money.

[637] So what is it about Pippi longstocking?

[638] You first and then you, Matt.

[639] What is it?

[640] I think I don't know.

[641] I guess I liked it.

[642] She was like full.

[643] independent you know like she ran her own operation and she she ran her own operation she just went on adventures she was just like going on adventures all the time because that's what she was her grandfather was a pirate or something her father was a pirate and but no longer in the picture and then you know and had like this gang of kids and i don't know i just i had a huge crush on her i thought that she was hot that's cool yeah i mean i think superman was always the ideal when you're a kid but pippie was kind of a little bit more realistic her parent left her dad left her alone that's right just to live in this house called Villa Villa Cula and he just goes and sails the seas and I had a huge crush on her too.

[644] Yeah, I think she was maybe like Blondie and Pippi were my first two crushes.

[645] Yeah, blondeie was pretty amazing.

[646] Yeah, they're a little different.

[647] Or you know what?

[648] Actually, Dale Bozio.

[649] Oh, yeah.

[650] Wait, who's Bill Lenn?

[651] No, no, from a missing person.

[652] Yes, that's right.

[653] Yeah, yeah.

[654] A woman.

[655] She's like.

[656] Yeah, she looked like blondeie Lonnie is that people are going to kill me. And who's the dude from Tristage sister?

[657] Oh, D. Snyder?

[658] Like a tiny bit, like a hair like like like 5%.

[659] Oh, I have a huge crush on D. Snyder.

[660] There you go.

[661] Yeah, that's my idea.

[662] There you go.

[663] Yeah.

[664] No, that's interesting.

[665] No, Blondie hit, really hit big my freshman year of high school.

[666] And I remembered her just being the ideal.

[667] Like, oh, that's the sexiest.

[668] And she still is.

[669] For God's sake.

[670] She's the most, she's the sexiest, coolest woman alive.

[671] We need to get Blondie and Pippi on this podcast.

[672] And have them fight.

[673] Yeah, but Pippi would probably win.

[674] Yeah, she'd start beating Blondie and I'd go, Pippi, are you crazy?

[675] 16 millimeter.

[676] Stored improperly.

[677] Okay, here's another huge influence on you and you mentioned it in the book, the Ferris Bueller, Ferris Bueller's day off.

[678] You, you, you, that was a huge influence on you because he broke the fourth wall.

[679] That was, yeah, that was mind blowing.

[680] I mean, it was So, I mean, one of the smartest moves of a movie script ever, I think.

[681] I mean, sure not the first movie, but definitely of those coming of age films, which I was all about.

[682] I just liked all the things that he accomplished in a day.

[683] I mean, it was insane and like, is he going to make it?

[684] You know, all that rascally principle, you know, and his sister was kind of badass.

[685] You know, like there was so many adventurous things.

[686] And it only took place in a day.

[687] and then at the end like him or just once in a while throughout the movie too but like looking at the camera I was like that is so cool I love that like we're in on it like he's like he's experiencing that reality for us and also it's very hard to do because it can be done badly yes and of course uh John Hughes and Matthew Broderick that just they did it perfectly perfectly yeah it was just like it was practical it's kind of a perfect movie it's it's totally a perfect movie I I've watched it you know some some of those movies are like but just moments of it are kind of you know breakfast club this is totally aside and random but I was down in Venice here in California with David Hopping like a week and a half ago and we wander into a store and I'm chatting with the guy who runs the store and he says to a woman there who's also working there this very attractive woman who's probably in her early 20s, or mid -20s, and he says to her, I can't remember her name, but he says like, you know, Syria, Celia, tell Conan your story.

[688] Tell her your story.

[689] And she comes over kind of sheepishly because she's being forced to.

[690] And she says, my parents are the parents on Ferris Bueller.

[691] And I said, what, what do you mean?

[692] And she said, the two actors that play the mother and the father on Ferris Bueller, they met on that movie.

[693] And they're my parents.

[694] And then the guy at the store is like, isn't that crazy?

[695] And at this point, I feel like I have to buy something.

[696] Yeah, and they met on that movie, and then she is their child, and she is Drop Dead Gorgeous, by the way.

[697] Yeah.

[698] And very nice and very cool, but I just thought, wait a minute, are you just, are you insane that you think, because when you think of people who are playing a couple in a movie, you never think.

[699] And she said, no, they met on that movie, and then, had me. She's the real -life Bueller.

[700] She is the real -life Bueller.

[701] Yeah.

[702] That was a cool story.

[703] She's real Bueller.

[704] That's crazy.

[705] Does she ever just randomly stopped in the middle of street and just turned to a camera that's not there?

[706] Well, I was Get a load of me. Yeah.

[707] Yeah.

[708] She did while I was talking to her.

[709] Yeah.

[710] She turned to a camera that wasn't there and said, I meet us a lot of celebrities at this store here, you know, in near Venice Beach.

[711] Conan, kind of bottom of the pile.

[712] But you know what?

[713] You got to pretend to be excited.

[714] And then she turned back to me. Well, you were still there?

[715] I was still there.

[716] Oh, man. And I said, that's rude.

[717] And then she turned back to a different camera and said, and who knew he could hear me?

[718] Multi -cam.

[719] Yeah, multi -cam.

[720] She broke the fifth wall.

[721] She broke the fifth wall.

[722] She broke so many walls, the roof collapsed.

[723] It's not easy to do.

[724] Oh, my God.

[725] She's living in a hyper cute.

[726] Anyway, I don't know her name, but shout out to her.

[727] No kidding.

[728] And very lovely, cool person.

[729] So glad to know that.

[730] That's fucking mind -blowing.

[731] Yeah.

[732] Yeah.

[733] I love, yeah, I love Buehler.

[734] Bueller is great.

[735] But also, I love weird science.

[736] Weird science was huge.

[737] Weird science is so insane.

[738] So insane.

[739] Because I'm sorry, but the premise is crazy.

[740] It's because I remembered seeing that.

[741] This is how old I am.

[742] I saw that in the theater as an adult who could choose to purchase or not purchase a ticket.

[743] Yes.

[744] And I went with Craig Daniels because we were both writers and we had no girlfriends, big surprise.

[745] We're living out here in L .A. and this movie comes out weird science.

[746] And we think, well, let's go to Westwood and watch it.

[747] To learn how to make a girlfriend.

[748] Yeah, exactly.

[749] We both need to make a girlfriend, clearly, because no one we meet wants to talk to us.

[750] So we go to this theater, and these two guys just basically, I think, cut out a bunch of pictures from magazines and feed them into a what?

[751] A supercomputer.

[752] A super computer.

[753] A ball, right?

[754] Then they...

[755] A brassier.

[756] Then a Barbie doll.

[757] Yeah.

[758] The out, and there's a Barbie doll, and then I think because they run a cable to the roof and lightning hits it, that makes Kelly LeBrock.

[759] That's true.

[760] Yeah, but they designed her on the computer.

[761] I know, but I was like, the leaps people were making with, you know, if you take a personal computer and there's a lightning storm and you have a bra and some dolls around, you can make Kelly LeBron.

[762] Yeah, computers are still like fancy enough that you couldn't pin it down for, oh, could it do that?

[763] I know.

[764] People just didn't question it.

[765] No, no. That'll happen.

[766] I guess that can happen with a computer and a lightning storm.

[767] If they both have at the same time.

[768] We need both.

[769] It's very hard.

[770] So, you know, those kids got lucky in that movie.

[771] I remember that happening and being like a 22 -year -old in the theater and just saying, okay.

[772] I guess I really don't understand computers.

[773] I'm glad that that was.

[774] But myself and my writing partner, we went out that night.

[775] We bought an apple.

[776] We bought seven Barbies.

[777] And you're still waiting.

[778] And Greg was electrocuted.

[779] No LeBrock.

[780] Here he is.

[781] Electrooted.

[782] LeBrockless.

[783] The firefighters showed up and all they said when they saw us, we were both smoldering, was trying to make a LeBrock, huh?

[784] A lot of that lately.

[785] We got two more nerds on Barrington trying to make a LeBrock.

[786] You two stop LeBrocking around.

[787] Get out of here.

[788] Enough LeBrockin, you idiots.

[789] Good.

[790] All the power surge is going in these different nerd areas of town.

[791] Then some shadow creature emerges in the background.

[792] I mean, yeah, that show was, I mean, also it had Mad Max vibes and it had like, I mean, it had every, it was so crazy.

[793] And the guy from Mad Max.

[794] Yeah, the guy from Mad Max was in it.

[795] It was insane.

[796] But the crazy thing was that my first girlfriend was English.

[797] And she was a model for like teen, like, nightwear or something like that.

[798] And so she came from London because her mother married an Air Force guy.

[799] And so my first girlfriend was like this English brunette model.

[800] I was like, this is, how is this even possible?

[801] Like I was just watching weird science.

[802] And now my first girlfriend is this, it was very, very weird.

[803] And I was very insecure about it because I was like, there's no way the whole time.

[804] There's no way.

[805] There's no, you know, it's like, which is not the right attitude.

[806] And when you're saying that out loud and you're with her.

[807] There's no way.

[808] No way.

[809] Can't touch your shoulder?

[810] Oh, there's no way.

[811] No way.

[812] Why you're having sex.

[813] This is no way.

[814] This is just no way.

[815] What?

[816] No way.

[817] There's no way.

[818] You're totally leaving me. Can we at least finish this first baby born?

[819] Weh.

[820] There's no way.

[821] How?

[822] My new book.

[823] How?

[824] My life with the real Kelly LeBrock.

[825] I love that you have also had a Seattle period, which I totally get, because you went to Seattle to, you wanted to experience creativity, randomness, so you just decided I'm going to Seattle.

[826] Yeah.

[827] And a cloud cover that's about six inches above the roof line of any house.

[828] Yeah, it's about like max 100 feet.

[829] Yeah, it's, I mean, it was the biggest city closest to Great Falls.

[830] I mean, you could drive there in 13 hours, which for Montana.

[831] that's like that's double the usual that's a trip to CVS yeah yeah yeah yeah it's like you know go through mountain pass got take your time though there is a shortcut through uh low low but don't worry about it you know just keep going straight right black ice patches reportedly on the but like two wheel drive ranoe but um yeah i mean it was close enough and then and then i got lucky you know i just i've been lucky everywhere i've moved but like i moved there in 1990 it was just before grunge was going to explode and so i was like living you know like with a bunch of weirdos in a house as a band and like that shit blew up and i was a huge sound garden fan cool um and seeing all of that explode and and then see the industry move into that town so fast with all these satellite offices looking for the next new thing and then four new because when i moved there there were two venues to play it that was it was like two venues nighttime harleaning cars driving around the streets it was so dead it was such a small town vibe anyways and and then within a period of about three years it completely changed it was insane and then coffee was like espresso culture was born oh my lord my uh my wife is from seattle and i got married there and it's my it's my you know home away from home because we we go there just when i was first dating my wife i'd still like oh you know let's go get some coffee and she's we are not going in there because she was like a somalier of coffee yep oh no they burn the coffee there.

[832] Well, what about we could go in this place?

[833] No, we're not going there either.

[834] I'll tell you where we're going to get coffee.

[835] And she would take me to the one place that made the coffee just right.

[836] And I couldn't taste the difference.

[837] Oh, my God.

[838] Oh, my God.

[839] And I still can't taste the difference.

[840] I mean, I grew up on Sanka.

[841] You know, like, I didn't have a difference.

[842] I'd take Sanko over Starbucks.

[843] I did.

[844] But like, I it was a crazy time to be there.

[845] And we were, I mean, we played Jeff Bezos's parties.

[846] I've played like two of his parties.

[847] Like met like in 1995, 1996, saw Bill Gates, you know, like at the restaurant that I used to go to.

[848] You know, like, it was really weird to have all those worlds, you know, these ripples that are now affecting our entire everyday lives.

[849] But being there in that moment.

[850] Playing a party like that just sounds.

[851] It always reminds me of I did not, I wrote on the script, but I didn't write at this joke.

[852] But there was a great Simpsons joke that one of the writers came up with, which Mr. Burns is.

[853] having a birthday party.

[854] And, of course, Smithers is trying to make it the perfect party for him.

[855] And at one point, he books the Ramones to play for Mr. Burns.

[856] And the Ramones, they got the actual Ramones to go like, oh, no, no, no, no, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you.

[857] And then Joy, they dropped their instruments and Joey Ramon just goes, happy birthday, old bastard, and walks off.

[858] And they cut to Mr. Burns, and he says to Smithers, have the Rolling Stones killed.

[859] And, And Smithers says, Sir, that's not the Rolling Stones.

[860] And he says, do it!

[861] And so Smithers leaves.

[862] And it's always loved the joke that somewhere the Rolling Stones are being killed in that world.

[863] Because that old man misidentified.

[864] Oh, my God.

[865] And I think about that all the time when I imagine me playing or having to do anything at one of those parties.

[866] If I was, you know, on the David Geffen yacht and told a story or did some kind of comedy thing, I could just see Geffen leaning over to someone and saying, have the Rolling Stones killed?

[867] Have Gallagher destroy it.

[868] Sir, that's not Gallagher.

[869] Do it!

[870] Have carrot top.

[871] Sir, that's not, do it!

[872] Have Jane Lynch, that's, sir.

[873] All these red hats start just dying.

[874] Yeah, just going through.

[875] Listen, Mr. Reggie Watts, it was a, I've been blessed many times in my life, but the day that you signed.

[876] done to be my opening act and I got to go on that crazy adventure with you and then we became friends was a great, great day for me and I'm blessed to know you.

[877] Keep me in your life and let's do something together again.

[878] I would love to do that.

[879] Let's do that.

[880] Let's open a store that sells something nobody wants.

[881] Yes.

[882] Oh my God.

[883] And see how long it takes to not sell anything.

[884] And we'll get the woman in Venice who is.

[885] She'll manage.

[886] She'll manage.

[887] And it'll be called.

[888] Yes.

[889] Yes.

[890] Ferris Bueller's parents do have a. child.

[891] Ferris Bueller's half off.

[892] Or T. You idiot.

[893] TRFB.

[894] I admire that.

[895] Ferris Bueller's half off.

[896] All right, Mr. Reggie Watts, go in peace to love and serve the Lord.

[897] Have a nice day.

[898] Have a nice week.

[899] And peace be with you.

[900] And peace be with you.

[901] We're going to make a woman.

[902] We have an ongoing saga on this podcast that continues to write its own narrative.

[903] It is.

[904] That's terrible author.

[905] I'm not writing and I'm just living it.

[906] Remember that Jay Elmore, who runs a deli in New York, has taken our sandwich creations and has been selling them and he has an update on the numbers.

[907] He's running actual science now.

[908] This is good.

[909] Because last time you also, you complained about the fact that I had an American flag in mine and you said that that was responsible for why I was leading sales.

[910] I think that goose things a little bit.

[911] Okay.

[912] Because, you know, we're a patriotic people and yours had an American flag and ours had no flag.

[913] So I think that put us at a disadvantage.

[914] He took the flag out.

[915] Thank you.

[916] And started the tally again.

[917] Okay.

[918] These are Jay's words.

[919] Once again, I just wanted to say, you made my day with the mention of the, on the podcast.

[920] I'm so happy you guys are enjoying it.

[921] You're welcome.

[922] Thank you, Wilford Brimley.

[923] Yeah, you sounded angry.

[924] It's a lot of skin off your nose.

[925] No free pub.

[926] 551 sandwiches sold.

[927] Final tally so far.

[928] Sona's Euro, 172, Conan's corned beef, 186, Maddie Melt, 193.

[929] Oh, these are all pretty close.

[930] Yes, and then it goes on.

[931] Okay.

[932] He said, I will cross the 200 mark today.

[933] Conan may cross it, too.

[934] He said, Maddie Melt, these are updates as they come in.

[935] Maddie Melt just hit 200.

[936] Conan is at six away.

[937] I said, stall it, take it off the menu, meaning yours.

[938] Where is this?

[939] New York.

[940] I know, but let's be a little clear about where this place is, because I'd like to make a personal appeal.

[941] I don't know where it is exactly.

[942] Isn't this E .J.'s luncheonette?

[943] Yeah.

[944] I believe it's on the Upper East Side.

[945] Third Avenue between 73rd and 74th EJ's, a very nice guy named Jay came out of his diner and said hello to me. We chatted for a little bit.

[946] That's when the idea for maybe these sandwiches came up.

[947] And I would just like to say that my sandwich is, I believe, It's corn beef, Russian dressing, Kohl -Slaw.

[948] It's a terrific sandwich.

[949] It's a classic.

[950] And it's called the Conan O 'Brien or just the Conan?

[951] I think it's just, I'm not sure.

[952] Okay.

[953] So you're saying that the name recognition is important?

[954] Well, what I'm saying is I would like to win this.

[955] And so I'm talking to all my listeners now who might be in New York City, just hear me out, maybe give my sandwich a try, go there and order it.

[956] And then if you see me around New York City, I'm there a lot.

[957] Just mention I had your sandwich, Conan.

[958] And maybe you get a little quick hug and a selfie.

[959] That's all.

[960] Oh, my God.

[961] You can't use the bully pulpit like that.

[962] You have to give equal time to us.

[963] I don't know what kind of cash I'll have on me, but I don't carry a lot of cash.

[964] I'll just say that right now.

[965] You're going to go and just buy a ton of sandwiches, probably.

[966] No, no. I feel like you probably will.

[967] I'm going to have David Hopping go buy a lot of sandwiches.

[968] Jay, you have to watch out for the sona.

[969] You can make your plea for your euro.

[970] Mine is clearly the healthiest out of our three of it.

[971] Oh, thank you for saying that.

[972] Oh, nothing gets people into a diner like a healthy choice.

[973] Good job.

[974] Yes, if you are going to E .J.'s luncheonette because you're really feeling like slimming down.

[975] Rush over and get Sonas Giro, gyro?

[976] I love to pretend not to know what to say.

[977] And then yours is what, a foreign sandwich, right?

[978] What?

[979] No, mine's the most patriotic thing.

[980] It's called a Maddie melt.

[981] Yeah, what's going on there?

[982] It's a patty melt with Hawaiian bread.

[983] Calories, calories, death, death.

[984] What do you mean?

[985] Cholesterol, fat.

[986] No, no, no, that's not the way to go after it.

[987] Come on, let me do it.

[988] No, that gets people into the tent.

[989] This is America.

[990] You forgot where you were.

[991] But it's New York.

[992] People care in New York.

[993] They walk.

[994] They're healthy.

[995] They work out.

[996] Hawaii became a state very late in the game.

[997] No, I got that.

[998] And I'm just going to say, that's better.

[999] That's like the last star on the flag.

[1000] That's the bread you want.

[1001] Oh, what a late.

[1002] Go ahead.

[1003] Based in New York with Hawaiian bread, I'm covering not only the continental United States, but practically Hawaii and Alaska.

[1004] Oh, please, with corned beef, I am covering, I mean, just all cultures.

[1005] You know, yes.

[1006] What?

[1007] Yes.

[1008] The Jewish people, the Irish people.

[1009] Done.

[1010] That's it.

[1011] I'm sorry, the Greeks are responsible for our whole civilization.

[1012] Are you kidding the patty about?

[1013] You're welcome.

[1014] Sign the Constitution.

[1015] Okay.

[1016] First of all.

[1017] What did you say the Greeks did?

[1018] They're like responsible for like modern type of civilization.

[1019] What have they done lately?

[1020] Right.

[1021] Except God bankrupt.

[1022] A bunch of tax shelters.

[1023] I don't know.

[1024] You know what?

[1025] Socrates kept all of his money in a tax shelter.

[1026] Okay.

[1027] That was his big advice to his students.

[1028] All right.

[1029] Shelter your money, he said.

[1030] Same thing with Plato.

[1031] Yeah.

[1032] Because the U .S. is doing great, you guys.

[1033] What did you say?

[1034] Yeah.

[1035] The U .S. is doing great.

[1036] We're in attitudes like that.

[1037] Yeah.

[1038] Okay, well, guess what?

[1039] Your gyro, I think, is plummeted because it's healthy and its inventor hates America.

[1040] Oh, wow.

[1041] I would say, hey, give the Conan O 'Brien a try.

[1042] E .J.'s luncheonette.

[1043] E .J.'s luncheonette.

[1044] Just go on by.

[1045] Check it out.

[1046] The Conan O 'Brien.

[1047] Oh, come on.

[1048] Corned beef.

[1049] Coalce.

[1050] Here's my message.

[1051] I say, listener, eat whatever you think sounds delicious.

[1052] Be you, be you.

[1053] Don't fall prey.

[1054] to sway.

[1055] Don't fall prey to sway.

[1056] Eat the meat.

[1057] Don't fall prey to sway.

[1058] Eat the meat.

[1059] I'll take a selfie with you.

[1060] I'll give you a quick hello.

[1061] I'm easy to spot in New York.

[1062] If you think you see Jane Lynch wearing a red wig, that's me. If you do by mine, you don't have to take a selfie with con. You can get out of it.

[1063] All right.

[1064] Thank you, Jay.

[1065] I think we accomplished a lot there.

[1066] And thanks to Jay Elmore for selling, creating these sandwiches in our image.

[1067] And there's a very good chance that this saga will actually have quite a resolution, possibly even in the flesh.

[1068] Yes.

[1069] Yeah.

[1070] I know what you're talking about.

[1071] Yeah.

[1072] More later.

[1073] Why don't we get a piece of these sandwiches?

[1074] Sorry, I know we ended it.

[1075] But why don't we get paid for a piece of these sandwiches?

[1076] Like, we should get a check.

[1077] No?

[1078] No. No, nobody else?

[1079] No, we're not doing this for money.

[1080] Oh.

[1081] What do we do we get for?

[1082] Real estate.

[1083] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[1084] With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessey.

[1085] and Matt Gourley.

[1086] Produced by me, Matt Gourley.

[1087] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf.

[1088] Theme song by The White Stripes.

[1089] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[1090] Take it away, Jimmy.

[1091] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[1092] Engineering by Eduardo Perez.

[1093] Additional production support by Mars Melnick.

[1094] Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn.

[1095] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode.

[1096] Got a question for Conan?

[1097] Call the Team Coco hotline at 669 -587 -2847 and leave a message.

[1098] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[1099] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.