What Now? 2 Ways to Stop Power Struggles This Week

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[22] So what's next?

[23] You've been listening to the podcast.

[24] You're like, yeah, kind of describing our family and this is our home.

[25] What do we do next?

[26] That's what I want to talk to you about today on the Calm Parenting podcast.

[27] So welcome.

[28] This is Kirkmart.

[29] Founder Celebrate Calm.

[30] Feel free.

[31] If you're struggling as a family, email our strong -willed son Casey, C -A -S -C -E -Y at Celebrate Calm .com.

[32] Tell us about your family what you're struggling with.

[33] We'll come back with some ideas for you, some tips.

[34] If you're interested in our resources, we'll put together, Casey will put together custom package within your budget.

[35] And hopefully everything on the website right now is within your budget because we really drop prices just to help families out during the high.

[36] holidays.

[37] So here's what I want to get to today is I want to come up with a plan.

[38] I want to kind of keep it simple because we're coming up on the new year and everybody wants to do resolutions.

[39] I'm not a big fan of resolutions because nobody keeps them.

[40] But what I want to focus on is two areas that we can change.

[41] One is let's pick a common power struggle or a time of day that you struggle within your home.

[42] Come up with a plan for that.

[43] And let's change one thing within ourselves, right?

[44] Because that's something we have control over.

[45] And let's get some wins in that area.

[46] That's what I'm going to talk about.

[47] Before I get there, Casey encouraged me to do this because we had a ton of people take advantage of the Black Friday and Christmas sale and they've got our programs now.

[48] And I know a lot of people with the business of the holidays, they didn't listen, but now they're like, okay, I've got these 10 programs or I've got the no BS program.

[49] If you've got the no BS program, very, very straightforward.

[50] It's 25 action steps, simple.

[51] Just go through it methodically.

[52] It's awesome.

[53] But if you got the big package, like the Calm Parenting Package and have these 10 programs.

[54] Here's what I probably work on.

[55] Here's the way I would approach it.

[56] One is, let's listen to the strong -willed child program and ADHD University first.

[57] Those fall under understanding your kids inside and out.

[58] And I guarantee you one of the issues is that you misinterpret your kids' motives, which makes them very angry, and you misunderstand your kids and why they are like they are.

[59] And these programs, they're very, very strong.

[60] straightforward and show you how their hearts and brains work.

[61] The ADHD University in particular is really good for understanding their brains and schoolwork.

[62] Next, I would move on to working on yourself.

[63] There's a program just for moms.

[64] There's one just for dads.

[65] I love that one because it's Casey and I talking to men like men.

[66] Short, sweet, tell you what to do.

[67] There's also the 30 Days to Calm program.

[68] That is the process I went through to change from kind of being the reactive freak dad being the calm guy.

[69] And it's very straightforward of kind of 30 action steps.

[70] And as you listen, you can email me. I'll help you with each of those steps because I want you to change who you are and break generational patterns.

[71] So that's about you're working on yourself.

[72] While you're doing that, have your kids, I don't care what age they are.

[73] They can be four, they can be 14.

[74] Listen to Casey's program, straight talk for kids.

[75] Kids love that program because it's not another parent telling them what to do.

[76] It's another kid relating his own struggles and how he learned to calm himself down and control his emotions and control his screens.

[77] After that one, so now we're working on ourselves with our kids.

[78] Then I go to the specific ones with tools.

[79] I think then I go with discipline that works.

[80] It's a great one because it's going to show you different tools for disciplining kids.

[81] Stop to find some disrespect.

[82] The motivating kids, probably a little bit skews for older kids, controlling screens.

[83] Listen to those ones next.

[84] And then if you are brave enough at some point, I would jump into, if you get this one, the marriage mentoring program because that will change.

[85] That will create deep lasting change within you that you have no idea how much change comes from working on your marriage because you're going to come face to face with your deepest issues and so many things that you struggle with that you didn't even know you struggled with.

[86] But anyway, that's kind of how I would attack that.

[87] I'd encourage you go through it kind of slowly.

[88] Just don't try to get through it to get through it.

[89] There's a lot of very, very, very deep insight in there and things I want you to get.

[90] If you're a note taker, I would take notes on it.

[91] And I'd write down certain things that you want to focus on.

[92] I would definitely let my kids listen to all of the programs, all of them, have them playing in in the background.

[93] challenge your kids i've homeschooling families and families during COVID who are doing home from school who are using his curriculum and just saying hey here's some ideas uh want you listen to this and let us know what are two things do a little written next uh essay on what are three things three things you want us to change as parents what are three things you want us to stop doing to start doing right use it get them involved with it it's really interesting how that works so as you do that you're going to get a lot of ideas.

[94] And so here are the two areas that I want to focus on now.

[95] One, let's pick a time of day that trips you up, a particular situation that tends to create a power struggle.

[96] It could be morning routine.

[97] It could be dinner time.

[98] It could be getting your kids to go somewhere, try a new experience, and they've got a lot of anxiety, so they have a big meltdown, and the whole night is ruined.

[99] And that happens like every Tuesday night when you try to get your child to go to X place.

[100] So let's do.

[101] this.

[102] Let's work on that.

[103] Let's focus our energy and say, okay, we're not going to fix everything.

[104] We're not going to fix every power struggle and stop them all right now.

[105] But let's get a win in this area.

[106] And a couple things to think about.

[107] Instead of going to consequences, let's think about tools.

[108] What tools can you give your child to help them deal with their anxiety or with them feeling overwhelmed?

[109] Bonding.

[110] This is a big idea.

[111] It's really big.

[112] on no BS program but it's a big idea that we like is let's take something that usually irritates you and creates a power struggle and instead turn that around 180 degrees into a bonding opportunity so in the morning when that child's dawdling and they don't want to get up for school instead what can you do to bond with your child hey if you get ready get your clothes on get downstairs i will listen to your favorite music ask your kids this it's a really cool way to bond with kids.

[113] Ask your child to teach you something because as parents were always lecturing and teaching and I have to show you this.

[114] It's really cool when you turn it around and say, you know, I'm really interested in that.

[115] I'm curious.

[116] Could you teach me that?

[117] Could you show me that?

[118] If you get downstairs, get ready and I'll have breakfast ready and you can show me this.

[119] Sometimes you can watch their TikTok videos, right, after you had a drink.

[120] Kidding.

[121] But bond over something and let's see, the tools and let's see if we can get a win in a particular area.

[122] If you get the programs and have them and if you're really struggling with an area, just email us and we'll give you a couple of tips of things to try because sometimes it's easier for us to see from the outside.

[123] But let's get a win in that area.

[124] And once we say, okay, Tuesday nights getting our child too is martial arts class, we dealt with the anxiety, we got to the root of it, we're figuring it out.

[125] there's a win.

[126] Okay, now let's move on to morning routine.

[127] And let's move on to doing homework so that we don't have big meltdowns every afternoon.

[128] Don't try to fix everything at once.

[129] Marshal your emotional and mental resources onto an area, get a win, praise the child and say, hey, nice job with that.

[130] Really nice job.

[131] And live in that and get that win.

[132] And then we move on and we build on wins and we build on momentum.

[133] Second thing we're going to work.

[134] on is ourselves.

[135] Let's pick an area that we struggle with ourselves.

[136] You and I, both, all of us have generational patterns we carry forth that we inherited from our moms and dads, or we have areas within ourselves that were kind of scarred because of our childhood.

[137] Let's pick an area that we need to work on, right?

[138] Mine that I'm going to work on next is I'm not direct enough with people in my personal life and I have a deep fear of disappointing people I don't want them to be disappointed in me and I think that comes from my dad because he was never really happy with me by the way for those of you who are spiritually minded that directly affects usually how you see God and I've struggled my entire life with thinking that God's just disappointed with me because I just never lived up to his standards it's constant constant kind of battle in my heart and brain so I'm going to work on that one what's your generational pattern one of my early ones I had to work on why a lot of them was yelling and screaming and just reacting it's work on that one of them was trying to prove my point all the time that I was right and I know wives really appreciate that they don't moms yours might be maybe you had the martyr mother who did everything for other everybody else and nothing for yourself and you've grown resentful after all I do for you you just did that at Christmas time you spent all of your energy, not even all of your energy, you spent energy you didn't even have because you were already depleted, making sure everybody else was happy at Christmas time, but not you, you just wanted to get through it.

[139] So let's break that pattern, let's work on that.

[140] So a few things to do.

[141] Self -care.

[142] This is not selfish.

[143] What can you begin doing for yourself that feeds you so that your kids don't have to manage your emotions for you because you're taking time for yourself and you're doing some things that feed you that will ultimately make you more patient with your kids break some of those patterns what are you going to stop doing what are you going to stop doing are you going to stop trying to make everybody happy are you going to stop trying to fix everything that goes wrong that's huge for some of you so let's pick one of those things and begin oh here's one more being assertive about what you need see being bossy is telling other people.

[144] This is off straight talk for moms for sure.

[145] Being bossy is telling other people what to do.

[146] Being assertive is telling other people what you are going to do.

[147] Right?

[148] There's power in that.

[149] And in there, we'll talk, we talk a lot about like, I don't demand respect from another person.

[150] I demonstrate self -respect.

[151] So begin being assertive.

[152] Let's practice it.

[153] Do the opposite of what you'd normally do because what you're doing right now not working so you may as well do the opposite apologize apologize to your kids right for lecturing too much for demonstrating that you don't really trust them because you're always fixing things for them just you know the simple acknowledgement with some humility that you have an issue yes I'm too anxious yes I lecture too much yes I have an anger issue guys struggle that well if I admit that I have an issue that's going to hurt my, that's going to hurt my authority.

[154] No, it's not.

[155] What ruins your authority is the fact that you can't control yourself.

[156] It's not going to be some surprise to your kids when you're like, guys, I've got an anger issue.

[157] They're going to be like, really?

[158] We never noticed.

[159] Of course they already know you do.

[160] You know what you just, you know what beautiful thing you just did?

[161] You just modeled for them how to own your own issue and deal with your own stuff.

[162] And you just said straightforward, I have an anger issue.

[163] forgive me because I overreact and though that is not your issue that is my issue to work on and I'm going to begin working on that and you're going to wrestle with it and you're not going to be perfect at it at first at all but you're going to wrestle and your kids are going to watch their mother or and or their father work on themselves which is a beautiful beautiful thing if you ask Casey he will tell you the one thing that he is most proud of me or looks up to me is not like success in this business or the corporate world or anything else it's that he saw me change who I was he saw me change right in front of him and he saw me wrestle with it that will produce a lot of change in your home it's really really cool so I want you you know we go through this in the programs but I would encourage you let's pick the one area write an email to yourself write an email to yourself with a goal right I don't like doing like all they're like, oh, I'm going to make New Year's resolutions.

[164] I don't like all that because most people don't follow through.

[165] But I do like to have a focus on a specific area.

[166] What I usually do is send an email to my junk email address.

[167] So every day when I wake up and throughout the day when I'm looking at my email 400 times a day, I see that.

[168] I no longer fear disappointing people.

[169] It's going to be mine.

[170] And I'm going to practice it.

[171] And then I want you to practice it.

[172] Practice it, practice it, practice it.

[173] are you going to be perfect first no you're going to mess up and that's part of the process but if you listen to our programs you'll hear this phrase progress not perfection i want progress and that's what we're going to make together that's what we're going to do so two things this coming week and then throughout the next year but two things we're just going to work on choose a common power struggle an errant time of the day that usually trips you up something your child does that irritates you Find that one.

[174] What do they do that irritates you most?

[175] And then enter into it and find a way to bond over.

[176] That's how you change it.

[177] And then let's pick one area within yourself that you want to work on and begin to attack it and begin to give tools and take care of yourself.

[178] And that's how we're going to make progress.

[179] If we can help you reach out to us.

[180] Casey, C -A -S -E -Y at celebratecomcom.

[181] Tell us about your family.

[182] We'll give you some ideas and some tips.

[183] We can customize a package.

[184] of programs to fit your budget.

[185] Everything's still on sale right now, so hopefully it's within your budget, but just let us know how we can help you.

[186] It's what we exist to do.

[187] Please share with others, the Calm Parenting Podcasts.

[188] Love you all.

[189] Looking forward to a brand new year, and for most of us, just about anything's going to be better than 2020.

[190] So we're excited, and we want you to join us on that journey.

[191] Talk to you soon.

[192] Bye -bye.