Nikki Glaser

[0] Hi, my name is Nicky Glazer.

[1] And I feel overwhelmed about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[2] Please hear the yell, ring the bell, brandy shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books and pens.

[3] I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[4] Yes, I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[5] Well, hello.

[6] Conan O 'Brien here.

[7] That sounded really insincere.

[8] Well, hello.

[9] I sounded like the movie phone guy.

[10] Yeah.

[11] Well, hello.

[12] Press one.

[13] Yeah, press one for a technology that doesn't exist anymore.

[14] Press two for an impression that's way out of date.

[15] Hey, Conan O 'Brien here.

[16] Let's stop screwing around.

[17] We've got to tighten this thing.

[18] Let's be serious.

[19] We've got to tighten the bolts on this thing.

[20] Welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[21] This is my side hustle.

[22] What is happening?

[23] It's my side hustle.

[24] And I'm having a blast.

[25] It's really fun.

[26] I don't know why I'm allowed to do this, but it's just been a joy.

[27] And I get to talk to people I really want to talk to and go off on strange tangents.

[28] And everyone can see what kind of medication I'm on by just listening to it.

[29] And it's really been a lot of fun.

[30] and I'm joined by my trustee assistant Sona Mouvesessian.

[31] Hello, hi.

[32] You didn't change your name when you got married, did you?

[33] I did not.

[34] Are you tempted at all to change your name?

[35] I'm thinking about it, if we have kids, you know.

[36] When I have kids, mom.

[37] Yeah, your mother is going to force, she's going to buy a baby and push it in there.

[38] Oh, my God.

[39] Oh, God.

[40] What the hell?

[41] Sorry, that's what's going on.

[42] It's not a Thanksgiving turkey.

[43] That is awful imagery.

[44] Oh, my God.

[45] I buy the baby, I push it in you.

[46] Mom, stop it.

[47] Oh, my God.

[48] Mom, that's crazy.

[49] Listen, TAC, let's forget I said that, America.

[50] We can't.

[51] No one can't forget that.

[52] Sona, what is Tack's last name?

[53] Boroian.

[54] And your last name is Mobsessian.

[55] Yeah, we're two Armenians.

[56] Yes.

[57] It's just, it's the I -A -N at the end.

[58] That's always the rule, right?

[59] Well, his is Y -A -N.

[60] Oh.

[61] Oh, and you managed.

[62] And a twist.

[63] And you managed to bridge that massive cultural divide.

[64] Isn't that a, is Lando Calrissian in Armenia?

[65] We pretend he is.

[66] I love it.

[67] Yeah.

[68] That's fantastic.

[69] I didn't think about that.

[70] We pretend.

[71] Hey, I got to introduce you now that you've piped up with your Star Wars trivia.

[72] Yeah.

[73] Matt Goreley here, our faithful producer.

[74] Yeah, no question.

[75] Always has been.

[76] Yeah, but really?

[77] I know.

[78] You do a good job.

[79] You know what?

[80] But I had, you know, sometimes regrets about the first season.

[81] Was I too hard on Matt Gourleys?

[82] You are a good guy.

[83] You are too.

[84] You don't have regrets ever.

[85] No, no, I don't.

[86] No. What are you talking about?

[87] Well, we will hear in this episode that you get up at 3 a .m. to P and something from three years ago bothers you.

[88] Okay, we didn't hear that yet.

[89] So why would you bring it up?

[90] Because it's a little teaser.

[91] Yeah, what a great producer you are.

[92] I don't reference the thing that hasn't happened yet.

[93] This is a Tarantino structured plot podcast.

[94] Exactly.

[95] No, I don't mean, and I don't think I was too hard on you last season.

[96] I was reading off a piece of paper that my lawyer typed up for me. I think I need to be even harder on you this season.

[97] And how is your mom, Winifred?

[98] Wellford.

[99] Same thing.

[100] Not the same thing.

[101] Two different names.

[102] Pretty close.

[103] Close enough.

[104] Well, okay.

[105] Really?

[106] How are you, pigeon pie?

[107] Oh, that's low.

[108] That's not low?

[109] That's my mom's nickname for my pigeon pie.

[110] I like it.

[111] Oh, pigeon pie.

[112] She still calls me pigeon pie when I call home.

[113] I call all of you pigeon pie because she can't remember your names?

[114] Yeah.

[115] There's too many of you.

[116] Yeah.

[117] She would always, when we were growing up, and this is a common thing, but there were six of us.

[118] And if my mom, if I did something that irritated my mom, she'd go, come on, Neil, loop.

[119] She would go through different genders before she would get to Conan.

[120] Wellford would do that, but she'd do it with the cats.

[121] It's Winifred.

[122] It's Wilford.

[123] It's Winifred.

[124] Okay.

[125] To the cats.

[126] Bartholomew and Cicero?

[127] No, Mama chid.

[128] You stacious?

[129] Wait, what?

[130] Wait, what?

[131] What's your cat's name?

[132] Well, we had, I'm embarrassed to admit this.

[133] You're not embarrassed to admit anything.

[134] That's true.

[135] You're wearing a cuckoo clock on your hair.

[136] You're loading, you are loading the gun for a head.

[137] I know, I'm Stephanie.

[138] All right, so what's the cat's name?

[139] Well, we had over 30 cats and they all died premature deaths.

[140] What?

[141] They just all got hit by cars, but one ate a black widow and one fell off a wall.

[142] But the point is, my God.

[143] Mama Chid was the name of one.

[144] What kind of name is that?

[145] It was a name that my youngest brother, who was when his baby.

[146] same way I got the name Manny just said Mama Chid and it stuck.

[147] So she had a lot of babies, so that's why she was named Mama Chid.

[148] Are you hired throughout the whole season?

[149] If I wanted to fire you now, what would happen?

[150] Would you have to get paid off?

[151] They tried to contract me for two more years, and I said, just give me a year because we might need to reassess this.

[152] Wait a minute.

[153] Who tried to contract you for now?

[154] Why aren't I included in that discussion?

[155] I don't know.

[156] You get contracts?

[157] Yeah.

[158] I'm like episode by episode.

[159] Yeah.

[160] Well, that's the smart way because you could believe in any time.

[161] Sonas money's left in a bag and we tell her it's on the third floor of the parking structure at Warner Brothers.

[162] And two times there hasn't even been money in there.

[163] We just put hot cheddar garitos and she was perfectly happy.

[164] Handed to her by Hal Holbrook.

[165] Yeah.

[166] Well, I think we're off to a fine start to this show.

[167] Okay.

[168] This is a good show.

[169] It's going to be a great one.

[170] That's right it is.

[171] Very excited about our guest.

[172] She's hilarious.

[173] She really makes me laugh.

[174] My guest today is a very funny comedian who currently hosts the Daily Radio show You Up with Nikki Glazer on Sirius XM.

[175] She always makes me laugh.

[176] She makes me laugh hard too.

[177] I love her.

[178] Yeah.

[179] And I'm very excited to talk to her today.

[180] Nikki Glazer in de house.

[181] Doesn't that make me sound young?

[182] Okay, sorry Nick.

[183] Opposite.

[184] I can't comprehend being friends with you.

[185] It just, there's too many feelings about it.

[186] Really?

[187] Let's explore those, shall we?

[188] Yeah, I mean, you mean so much to me. Like, you're the reason I do comedy.

[189] And I've told you that every time I do your show, I can't even not, I can't not say it because it's just a dream come true, and it's kind of what I always aspired to do was be in your sphere.

[190] And then I am now, and it's like, how did this happen?

[191] It's just one of those moments for me. I'm sure you've had them.

[192] No. I never did.

[193] No, I do.

[194] Of course.

[195] I do, but it's so funny because we all, we all disqualify ourselves.

[196] So I have that all the time when I meet these people.

[197] It makes sense to me because, you know, that's Steve Martin.

[198] That's Carol Burnett.

[199] That's Bob Newhart.

[200] That's, you know, I could just go on and on and on.

[201] And then I'm me. So how did this happen?

[202] But then when comedians who I, people who I really, like you and respect when they say it to me I think well it doesn't work that way right I think we all are really good at excluding ourselves in that situation and probably that's a defense mechanism or something but I just think no it doesn't quite work that way I I just think there's a magical thing that happens when you grow up watching somebody yeah does that make sense of course I completely agree with that because I feel like but I will say I grew up also watching saved by the Bell and it was very formative in my life.

[203] But if I met Zach Morris, it wouldn't have been the same.

[204] What did you do that for?

[205] We had a really nice thing going.

[206] What I'm saying?

[207] It's not, it won't be the same.

[208] I'm impinent now.

[209] You just made me well, you made me more infinite.

[210] I was infinite before.

[211] You're on the same level of screech.

[212] No way.

[213] No, but the thing is like I, when I was exposed to comedy as a kid and good comedy, but until I found your show, I didn't, it wasn't something, it just clicked for me when I saw your show and it was like, oh, this is something that's speaking to me and I just, I just felt like so personally affected by your comedy and my friends, the friends that I, my best friends, my funniest friends also were like, what is this?

[214] It just felt so special.

[215] And you're the funniest person that exists.

[216] Like to me, you're the fun, I know that you're the whole room I don't mean to you are you're the funniest person alive and I've always said that and it's it wasn't just as a child I watched you on being interviewed by Anderson Cooper the other day I can't even believe how funny it was I was crying in bed already before I watched it but then I watched it crying more it was so good you're still at the top of your game and I had good taste when I was in whenever the eighth grade when I discovered you and I still have good taste.

[217] Well, that's the nicest thing anyone said to me. I think in my life, and I'm married.

[218] It's true.

[219] Every comedian says that about you.

[220] Everyone knows it.

[221] It's just, it might not get to you because here's the thing is that no one compliments celebrities because everyone thinks they're getting compliments all day.

[222] But the thing is, everyone doesn't say anything to them because they think everyone else is.

[223] So they walk around and no one compliments them as much as they need to be compliment.

[224] You need to be complimenting celebrities.

[225] Don't ever think they don't want to hear how much you love them.

[226] We are desperate for it.

[227] It's why we do that.

[228] Invade my privacy.

[229] Please.

[230] Tell me those really nuanced, nice things in front of people.

[231] Yes.

[232] I've often cited meeting you and being around you when girls come out to me and they're like shaking and they're like, I love you so much.

[233] And I'm like, I get it.

[234] My friends and I were obsessed with you in high school.

[235] It was part of my identity in high school that I was the girl that loved Conan O 'Brien.

[236] And I would, I had your books in the year 2000.

[237] I would highlight the best jokes and study the jokes.

[238] And I learned joke writing from you.

[239] I used to watch your fifth anniversary special.

[240] We had taped it and I watched it over and over.

[241] I was obsessed.

[242] I mean, there are so many things that me and my friends still quote to each other.

[243] I asked, last time I did your show, I asked my friend to send me a bunch of, like, notes that we would send because we would draw you all the time.

[244] We were obsessed with all the characters.

[245] That's funny, because I draw me all the time.

[246] I know you do.

[247] It's really sick It's true, you do.

[248] Yeah, I know.

[249] It's really, wow.

[250] I was into Dave Matthews and Conan Browns.

[251] Look at that.

[252] Oh, my God.

[253] Yeah, oh yeah.

[254] There's a doodle on the table.

[255] I always draw myself and I'm always saying a true narcissist only draws himself and I leave those places like a that's my thing.

[256] That's how I tag.

[257] Yeah, whenever I'm doodling, it's just my name.

[258] And I'm like, what a narcissist.

[259] What are you going to do?

[260] Yeah.

[261] Of course.

[262] Well, this is incredibly sweet.

[263] and making me borderline uncomfortable.

[264] So we've got to switch it away.

[265] We've got to switch it away to, you know, how I look and how good I look.

[266] You probably, I work out more than you think.

[267] Isn't that true, you know?

[268] You definitely work out a ton.

[269] I work out a lot.

[270] You're so fit.

[271] I'm very fit.

[272] And, you know, I know I'm self -deprecating about my penis, but we've had it fixed.

[273] Ew.

[274] It's been fixed.

[275] Why are you looking at me?

[276] Like, feeling.

[277] Because you were the one that.

[278] You drove me. You drove me. To the penis.

[279] You drove me to the clinic.

[280] What was the issue?

[281] It just, you don't want to even, we don't, we can't get into this.

[282] And I brought it up, but there were nine different problems.

[283] And they were, the doctor said this is a mess.

[284] And then he was in there for, he was, there was, there was a, yeah, it was a six hour surgery.

[285] You were very nice to drive me home afterwards.

[286] Yeah, I sat, I sat outside waiting for hours while you got your penis figs.

[287] So I want to talk about you because.

[288] Because you, you've been on my show many times.

[289] You're always, always hilarious.

[290] You, one of my favorite things are comedians that can draw up a visual image that is both shocking and hilarious at the same time.

[291] And you made this joke on my show that immediately blew up everywhere.

[292] And I know that you've probably made the joke other places too, but it just punched a hole through late night at the time where you were being very self -deprecating about your body.

[293] Yeah, about my vagina.

[294] That needs to be fixed.

[295] You were talking about how you're, yeah, your vagina needs to be fixed.

[296] I guess we all do it, but you came up with this image, and I, I, everybody was laughing so hard.

[297] We were like, shocked, but also laughing so hard because it was such great writing.

[298] Oh, thanks.

[299] Thank you.

[300] I don't know if you can repeat it now.

[301] Yeah, yeah.

[302] I was waiting for you to say it, but I can't.

[303] You can't.

[304] You really can't.

[305] I said that my vagina, I've got a lot going on down there, and it resembles a hastily packed suitcase.

[306] And I said, I know I'm not alone.

[307] There's a lot of bitches in the audience late for their flights, too.

[308] But I was just, I mean, it was just, to me it was, also, it was, there was so many things that, that you could have said, hastily packed.

[309] Yeah.

[310] Is so, I mean, such a, it's such a great, I'm not going to say it's a great image.

[311] but it's but it was so it was such great writing and I thought no no but seriously that's that's I do think there are people there are ways and people used to maybe say oh you can't work blue and I think no you can talk about very intimate things you can be blue it's how you do it because there can be so much intelligence behind it and there can be I mean and also just for me it was just you were opening up this world of women and how they think about themselves, men have dominated, you know, the comedy landscape so long and talking about their penises, as I just did.

[312] And you were like, no, this is what we're talking about right now.

[313] Yeah.

[314] It was, I don't know, it really reverberated.

[315] Well, also, my vagina does reverberate.

[316] There's so much.

[317] Congratulations.

[318] Thank you.

[319] Um, you know, well, first of all, I want to say that that means a lot to me because I even, as you were talking about, like, just choosing the right words and writing a joke, you said something to Anderson Cooper the other day that I had to rewind because I was like, I want to know exactly that word selection was so funny.

[320] And how did he just come up with that on the spot?

[321] He had like a little bit of a beard.

[322] Yeah, he was bragging about his vacation beard, which looked, it looked like a fine dusting of white.

[323] It was, and I think he'd been growing it for six weeks.

[324] You said it looked like he gently dipped his chin in a sugar bowl.

[325] Yeah, that's what it looked like.

[326] It was so funny.

[327] And the funny thing was that someone on, I had come across the clip on, I follow the Conan subreddit of like, you know, just fans of Conan's one of the things that I'm into.

[328] And they posted in there, like, everyone's got to watch this.

[329] And then someone had quoted what you had said about his chin being dipped in a bowl of sugar.

[330] And I go, I don't feel like that was his wording.

[331] So I went back to watch.

[332] And I was like, and then I corrected him underneath it to be like, no, you got to get the wording right.

[333] It was so perfect.

[334] So I appreciate that.

[335] Thank you.

[336] Thank you for cleaning that up on the internet.

[337] Yeah, I just, but I, the vagina thing, I, what, it was really hard for me to admit that kind of thing about myself because it has been.

[338] It's something girls hate their vaginas Most women hate their vaginas That's what I mean I don't want to get too blue here But that's there's this whole thing of like Girls Some men think that girls don't like oral sex And because they're like no no no I don't want that And it's because we're ashamed of what we look like down there We think you're going to make fun of us And like roast beef sandwich or whatever And so we all Yeah guys What kind of pillow talk is that?

[339] We hear it Yeah Sona, are you...

[340] I'll jump in.

[341] I'll jump in.

[342] You're right.

[343] You have to, Sona, because we can't, really.

[344] You're right.

[345] I mean, I will...

[346] I think I watched the vagina monologues years ago, and they were like, everybody has to look at their vagina.

[347] And then I think that night, I looked at it for the first time.

[348] I'm like, I don't want to ever look at that again.

[349] I didn't want to hear.

[350] Yeah.

[351] It was not, it's just, uh, there's a lot there.

[352] Yeah.

[353] And it's not appealing.

[354] Right.

[355] And it should, we shouldn't feel that way.

[356] But I, I still have anxiety.

[357] about it.

[358] Whenever I'm with someone new, I'm like, are they going to hate me?

[359] Are they going to, like, just throw up on me and leave me in the woods?

[360] Like, I just feel like, wait, well, why are you in the woods?

[361] Why were you in the, why was this happening in the woods?

[362] I'll buy you a house for God's sake.

[363] Oh, okay.

[364] I have a question.

[365] Do you, when you go to the gym, do you sneak a peek at other vaginas?

[366] Yeah, I do too.

[367] Oh, and I got a method for it.

[368] So, like, when, because you'll get caught just looking.

[369] Yeah.

[370] So when you blow dry your hair, put your head through your legs and then you have a low line of sight that no one can see, but you have the whole landscape of the whole area.

[371] No one can see you looking from.

[372] I'm trying to figure out how I can use.

[373] How can I use that technique to peer at other people?

[374] I don't think that's going to work for me. That's, wow, okay, there's a lot here.

[375] And that makes me feel so much better because you see other girls, we don't see other girls' vaginas and then once you, except in porn, and that's where you get the insecurity that your vagina's not perfect because porn vaginas are perfect.

[376] And then you look around at Equinox and you're like, I like it because the women are rich and I'm like, you can't fix it either, bitch.

[377] So let's...

[378] Let's take this general theme.

[379] And let's...

[380] Pivot.

[381] Well, if I was really comfortable right now, wouldn't that be a problem?

[382] I've never seen Conan this into it.

[383] This relaxed.

[384] Yeah, this relaxed.

[385] You know.

[386] But you know what, no, but no, no, don't be sorry because this is talking about something.

[387] It's interesting to me that to be in comedy, I mean, this is an observation that many people have made.

[388] I'm just sort of reasserting it.

[389] But to be in comedy and to be really good at what you do, why is it that it seems to be necessary that we have this bad self -image about ourselves?

[390] It seems to almost be required.

[391] I know.

[392] I mean, and every time, there's been several times in my life where I've, heard a really brilliant comedy person's hit the scene and I go and check them out and if they're too good looking I say I don't think so and then later on I'm usually right I'm trying to think of an exception that proves the rule but we're not supposed to be like perfect looking no you know yeah I mean that's it's the thing I struggle with the most is just yeah my appearance and I was I felt ugly as a kid and as in high school and I had a really beautiful sister and beautiful friends.

[393] And I just felt like not seen and I felt so angry about it.

[394] I just didn't understand why some people got it and I didn't.

[395] But it made me real.

[396] That's why I'm funny.

[397] It's like I was thought if I'm ever going to get attention, I have to develop a personality.

[398] Right.

[399] And so I attribute it to being funny, but it's still, it's so, it's hard.

[400] I just did the roast of Alec Baldwin on Saturday night and, you know, I've never looked better.

[401] There was like hours and hours that went into how I looked and I was trying to look my best because I got called ugly all night.

[402] Like everything that everyone goes, you're not ugly, Nick, you're so beautiful.

[403] And I've worked hard to like figure things out to feel good enough about myself.

[404] And I don't think I'm ugly by any stretch.

[405] But then I sat there all night and got called ugly in a lot of different ways.

[406] And it wouldn't have hurt because some jokes don't go over.

[407] Like if they said I'm not funny, the audience is just like, well, no, we just saw her.

[408] She is.

[409] But then when they tell a joke where I'm ugly and everyone laughs, it hurts.

[410] No, but you have, see, this is a thing where you have set that up, you have done that.

[411] Yeah, you're right.

[412] You set that up as your, this is my, you know, this is my comedy trope is, and you have over and over again reinforced that.

[413] because you've done that successfully and people make that joke and it hurts.

[414] Yeah, it really hurts.

[415] That's too bad.

[416] It does.

[417] Because I wish you understood that they're doing it because they've heard you do it.

[418] That helps me actually, and I haven't considered that.

[419] So you saying that right now just help me. That's totally why they do it.

[420] Well, it doesn't feel that way because they say things that I haven't even said publicly yet where I'm like, maybe no one notices this thing.

[421] And then they say it.

[422] And I'm like, oh, no, everyone notices that.

[423] Like, for instance, I went up and I was saying this to Blake Griffin all night.

[424] He was on the roast as well, the basketball player.

[425] And all my jokes were about how much I want to have sex with him.

[426] And then he gets up and is just like, I wouldn't.

[427] All of his jokes, not knowing what my jokes were going to be were like, I would never consider that.

[428] And like, you look like Larry Bird.

[429] Like, it was just like, it was.

[430] That's the spirit of the night.

[431] I mean, that's what is happening.

[432] But it just was like, I have to sit next to this person all night that I just admitted like having a crush on, essentially.

[433] And this person just said, I looked like Larry Bird and that I couldn't pass for 33.

[434] And like all these things that I'm just like, oh my God.

[435] Like, it was truly, it didn't.

[436] The first time I did the roast wasn't, I was 32.

[437] You can say I look old.

[438] Whatever.

[439] I'm not.

[440] I'm 32.

[441] 35, though.

[442] It's, what has changed?

[443] three years but something's changed and it like it's i've done three of them now and i'm like i don't know if i can keep doing this because it really does um it's it it affects me the the week after the week after for sure but then you know it's it it was bad for a while it was bad for me last year here's the here's the thing is that uh and i'm i'm i'm i'm i promise you this blake riffin or any of the people making those jokes they don't actually think they're getting to you yeah they don't and i just like i don't I don't think the jokes are getting to the people that I made them about.

[444] Exactly.

[445] And I think that's, I've never enjoyed, I'm not built to roast people.

[446] I don't enjoy it.

[447] I actually can do it at work if I'm feeling like, if I feel really comfortable with somebody, I can go on a long run, as you know, Sona.

[448] Yep, yep, yep, yep.

[449] But I really don't want to hurt anybody's feelings.

[450] And if I find out that I hurt somebody's feelings, I mean, over the years, occasionally I would, like, tell a monologue joke and someone's feelings would get heard and they would write me. And I remembered telling a joke, I think I made some joke about Aaron Spelling.

[451] I wasn't even thinking about it, but I made some joke about Aaron Spelling.

[452] And, you know, he had like 75 ,000 hit shows at the time.

[453] And I said, oh, it was, today was, you know, tonight was Aaron Spelling's birthday.

[454] He celebrated with his family by watching a really crappy night of television, you know, and it was just like some joke about Aaron Spelling.

[455] It was a little quip that throw away and I got this letter for him saying it was my birthday and I was watching your show and I didn't sleep for two nights.

[456] I wrote him a letter I said I'm really sorry I said you're in the public eye and I made a joke and I didn't think about it.

[457] It really, I mean like I think I ran a fever.

[458] I really do think I ran a fever because if I find out I've hurt someone's feelings my skin burns I felt so terrible.

[459] Then of course he called me up and he was like you're the greatest guy.

[460] Oh good, good.

[461] Yeah, but then I thought, are you just writing these letters to everybody so that they call you?

[462] Because then he overreacted the other way, and I thought, have I been played a little bit?

[463] Right.

[464] Then I later on met him, and he was very nice to me, but you're so confident and you're so funny.

[465] And then, you know, it's, I think, important that we're all in the mud together and we're trying to still figure it out.

[466] And it doesn't matter how many specials you've had or how much success you've had.

[467] your feelings are getting hurt and you're a really you're doing these roast so some of that's on you stop doing these.

[468] I've got to stop doing them but I appreciate that and I know that's the thing is like I see what I put out there and I see how many girls are empowered by what I say and what I do and how I hold myself and but then again I cry on radio sometimes because I'm like I'm feeling ugly today like I'm very open about my insecurities but I feel like a lot of times thinking of me as this like strong confident girl is like I just feel like a fraud sometimes but there are sometimes that I do feel that way about myself it just changes with my hormones I think oh I get that you know like some days I'm just like the other day I seriously was like crying and being like I hope I get hit by a car like I was just having a bad day I was like what is going on with me I need to be hospitalized blood and I'm like oh my period every month I feel that way, and I never see it coming.

[469] Yeah.

[470] But in other days, I feel sorry to get back to my vagina, but I just.

[471] I cried during Jerry Springer a week ago.

[472] Yeah.

[473] And it was on mute.

[474] And I saw a woman being confronted by her husband who he cheated on her with.

[475] And she was crying and yelling at him.

[476] And I was like, oh my God, he really hurt her.

[477] And I just started crying.

[478] Yeah.

[479] And my husband was like, what is happening?

[480] Yeah.

[481] Yeah, this happens, wow.

[482] It's such a cliche thing.

[483] No, but you know what?

[484] She's on her period, but it's real, man. But you know what?

[485] No, it is real.

[486] I just wish that men had, we don't have, because I do think we have similar ranges.

[487] I don't know, I can't say that it's the same extreme.

[488] I can't even say, I don't know.

[489] All I can tell you is that I get worried that I haven't, someone's displeased with me. And that's a big thing I got to.

[490] work on.

[491] You just want everyone to like you?

[492] I'm getting better at it, but, and I sometimes convince myself, I don't care.

[493] Right.

[494] Okay, well, whatever.

[495] Fuck it.

[496] They don't like me. That's their problem.

[497] I like me. And then 10 minutes later, but why don't they like me?

[498] It's just this.

[499] Why, but why wouldn't they?

[500] I've murdered.

[501] I've murdered repeatedly.

[502] Mostly Pacific Northwest.

[503] I defy you to find.

[504] That was you.

[505] Yes.

[506] That was you.

[507] Yes, all the murders, all the murders in the Pacific Northwest.

[508] You know what's great is you can just reference murder in the Pacific Northwest and people are like, yep, probably did.

[509] There's so much open space there.

[510] There really is.

[511] And you just put a body and whatever.

[512] Maybe they find it, maybe they don't.

[513] Jesus Christ.

[514] What?

[515] What's your problem?

[516] I love murder.

[517] I know you do.

[518] I know you do.

[519] I'm just putting it out there.

[520] And I'm very capable of it.

[521] I loved your documentary.

[522] because it made me see that you weren't what I thought.

[523] Like, you are insecure and driven and a workaholic and all of these things that I am too.

[524] And I'm wanting to be you.

[525] And I'm like, oh, even when you achieve all of those things, it doesn't seem to get.

[526] Oh, that's my whole.

[527] Better.

[528] Doing the roast the other night, I was like, I had a great set.

[529] I killed.

[530] Like, everything was great.

[531] I could not enjoy myself.

[532] I went first.

[533] I had a great set.

[534] everyone was just like couldn't have gotten more compliments everything that I wanted in that moment but I realized I forgot to do two jokes that were my two of my favorite jokes and I was just like I can't believe I couldn't let it go and it's over Nikki you can't go back there's no reason to even worry about this right now but I'm trying to enjoy the show you're on camera processing what just happened and trying to laugh at everyone else and I couldn't I couldn't let it go and I was so everyone's texting me they're in the audience great job and I'm like I forgot two jokes and they're like, what are you talking about?

[535] I went to the after party.

[536] I was just staring at the floor, like, listlessly, just going over.

[537] How could I forget those?

[538] But it's pointless.

[539] I can't go back.

[540] What is the issue?

[541] And I'm like, maybe there will be another Alec Baldwin roast that I can do those.

[542] It's just, it was, I ruined my night.

[543] I ruined the best, one, could have been one of the best nights in my life.

[544] You know, and I ruined it.

[545] What's weird, too, is I have the same thing, but what will happen is three years later, literally three years later, and I'm sure I've been.

[546] mentioned this before but I'll get up in the middle of the night to like urinate and I will go into the you know bathroom urinate and I'm sitting there and I'm in an undefended moment at three in the morning and I'll remember that I forgot to do those two jokes and I'll go shit out loud and my wife be like what oh what what what what what and I'll be like no no no and I can't explain because if I told her I just remembered that three years ago I was doing something and was going really well, and then I forgot to do the one joke that really would have made it great.

[547] And that's why I said shit out loud as if a little door had opened in the bathroom and a little man had come out and stab me in the knee.

[548] I said it with that much intensity.

[549] I can't say that because she would leave.

[550] She would divorce me. It's crazy.

[551] She would say, yeah.

[552] Yeah, that's the other night when I was just so upset about it, and I couldn't even celebrate even a little bit and I just sounded crazy to everyone that came up to me I just because I couldn't not talk about it still and everyone was just like what and I go why am I doing this for a living if this was supposed to be the best feeling of this is as good as it gets in terms of I couldn't have hoped for anything better and I can't enjoy it so what what is the point I should just retire and rescue birds just get a bird rescue Birds are assholes.

[553] I kind of like them a lot.

[554] No. I really like to explore that moment when people realize in comedy that this is their thing.

[555] When did you know?

[556] Because for me it was process of elimination.

[557] It was, well, I can't do this, I can't do that.

[558] And you talk about, well, my sister's the pretty one.

[559] I'm not the pretty one.

[560] And I went through process of elimination.

[561] I'm not as smart as my brother Luke.

[562] I'm not as strong as my brother Neil.

[563] I just went through all this big list and then I whittled it down to who literally like, I can do this.

[564] Yeah.

[565] So I guess we have to start working on this.

[566] That's totally what happened to me. I just knew I wanted to be on TV and some way.

[567] How old were you?

[568] I think it was like fifth or sixth grade.

[569] Like it was early on, but I was so scared to perform.

[570] I had such anxiety about it.

[571] I used to have to class presentations.

[572] I would have to go do them during recess just in front of the teacher because I just shook in front of the class so much.

[573] And my voice would quiver.

[574] My whole body would shake, and I would pick out things to present.

[575] I would find ways that the class wouldn't have to see me. So all of my presentations would be like glow in the dark so that the lights could be cut so that I could just present this like thing.

[576] Welcome our special guest, Miss Bag on her head.

[577] Hi, everybody.

[578] And so I was just, I didn't know what I was going to do because I wanted to be on TV.

[579] I wanted to do plays and perform, but I just, I couldn't get over.

[580] the stage fright and my parents were going to like take me to a specialist and then I was really depressed about it um and then I like I got an eating disorder a pretty severe eating disorder my um senior year of uh high school and that was I think it was just my way of being like I just want to die kind of because also I thought some of the rules I wasn't getting because I was a little chubby so I just had a diet the diet got out of control I got really really sick hospitalized so Your family knew, they knew what was going on.

[581] Because some people are, they don't understand eating disorders.

[582] A lot of people don't understand eating disorders.

[583] But a lot of parents don't really know what's happening in that moment.

[584] They're not on it.

[585] Were they on it?

[586] Did they know what was going on?

[587] No. I was such a liar and so sneaky.

[588] And of course they did, but they didn't want to face the facts that their daughter was like dying in front of them.

[589] It was just too much for them to handle.

[590] And so eventually the school had to get involved.

[591] and I was just so sick that I was literally going to die so I was hospitalized and I lied my way I had to go to college in the fall and this was the summertime I was hospitalized it happened really quick and I did not want to stay in a hospital obviously because they were like making me eat so I ate enough to just like convince everyone that I was going to get out but I got to go to college and I was still in my disease still tricking everyone still planning on losing more weight and just like ending it and then I go to school and I went to a school I didn't go with any friends from high school and the only way for me to make friends was I looked so scary I looked so so scary and everyone was worried about me the only way to make friends was to be huge and be like really funny and so I just developed a personality that I just had it before I mean I was always funny with my group of friends but I wasn't out outspoken and I just became more I just became so funny that people started um just so that they wouldn't be worried about me and then people started telling me like you should be a stand -up comedian like you're really funny and as soon as I heard that I hadn't even considered that and then I googled like Sarah's or a stand -up comedian female because I didn't even pay attention to stand up and I saw Sarah Silverman and I was like oh okay well this is the greatest thing I've ever seen and I would I would watch her on your show and the way she made you laugh I was like this is there's something here.

[592] And, like, I remember one time she's...

[593] Have you told her this, by the way?

[594] I don't think I've gotten a chance to.

[595] I'm just, she's...

[596] Yeah, she...

[597] When I first started stand -up, I was just like, what would Sarah Silverman, right?

[598] So I just wrote in her voice.

[599] I was obsessed with her, and she's informed so much of who I am today.

[600] But then I did one stand -up set my freshman year of college, and it went so well and felt so good that I was like, oh, this is what I'm going to do forever.

[601] Like, I called.

[602] my dad.

[603] I was like, I want to drop out of school.

[604] This is what I'm going to do.

[605] I know I'm good at it.

[606] I know it was finally something I was like better than most at.

[607] It was like my thing.

[608] And it saved my life because I legitimately like wanted to die.

[609] I was like, I can't be an actress.

[610] I want to be on TV.

[611] I know that that's my calling.

[612] I'm not talented enough to do it.

[613] I'm not going to be a teacher.

[614] I'm not going to be a mom.

[615] I'll kill myself before those things.

[616] And so I was like pretty much killing myself.

[617] And then that was the first time I was like, oh, I guess I have a reason to like eat or figure to beat this illness it wasn't as easy as that of like oh no i can eat now but it gave me the initiative to say okay how do i figure out how to not die from this and so then i went and got help myself are you still getting help for that yeah i i get a lot of i still struggle with it because it just stays with you i don't i don't because i think yeah i feel like you can't just quit right it's uh it's it's an it's it's an it's it's an ongoing process but yeah it comes and goes and it definitely comes and goes with, you know, it's all about control and just feeling it's the only thing you can control when you can't control anything else.

[618] And so I, I no longer want to die from it, but it's still something that I use as a means to get like high or to punish myself or to control things.

[619] But it's not the same as it was back then, which was like I didn't know how to eat.

[620] Like I couldn't.

[621] And I wanted to die from it.

[622] Every night I would just be, because it was miserable you're just hungry all the time yeah and so you know when you get like a little hungry how annoying you are like i was just starving and i didn't know how to eat and i was like this sucks and i can't ever eat again so i was just every night i would go to sleep and be like please can i not wake up it was just horrible so i know i don't feel that way anymore so i feel like i've beaten it in a sense but the food issues will always be there as they are with everyone yeah it's the more you think look at it it's like everyone's got something and so with food it's just too it's too much but anyway but yeah comedy like rescued you know i i feel like listening to you what i can relate to is uh first of all i i legitimately hate hearing someone being that kind of pain like i'm sorry i'm really i'm really sorry that you went through that uh and i'm i'm glad you're here and you're much better yeah just happy about that thanks and that makes me happy I will say that when I hear you talk about it, what resonates with me is I always had a similar thing of, it's got to be my voice.

[623] Yes.

[624] And I think that's what you're talking about is for a long time, you thought, how can I be one of the cats in the play cats?

[625] Yeah.

[626] You know, because that's so you.

[627] You know, and it's just listening to you.

[628] It's so clear to me that you just, it took you, and I think it takes a long time for people to figure out when it's just your voice.

[629] And there's this misconception, oh, Nikki Glazer or Conan O 'Brien, they'd have been the class clown.

[630] No, we're not class clowns.

[631] I always say the class clown dies in a motel shootout.

[632] We don't, we're, we're, I was in the back of the room watching some asshole get up on a desk and set the clock back ahead an hour or whatever they, Why would he set it back in an hour?

[633] He was an overachieving class clown.

[634] I'm a dick and I want to work longer.

[635] Daylight saving.

[636] He was just trying to be helpful.

[637] I really want to know geography.

[638] And I'm an asshole.

[639] Yeah.

[640] And so, yeah, I just, I think, I always thought, that's not me. And hearing you talk and hearing so many people talk that I've had a chance to talk to about this stuff, you know, and whether it's a Bill Hader or anybody, they're not the class clown.

[641] No. They're in the back, and their friends know they're funny.

[642] They're really good friends know they're funny, but they're terrified of getting up in front of people.

[643] And I kind of respect that.

[644] I do respect people that are, it should scare the shit out of you to get up in front of people.

[645] It should feel like the most important thing in the world.

[646] Yeah.

[647] And to this day, if I just, if people say, it'd be really nice if you got up before this small dinner and said a little something, I am petrified.

[648] I'm racing through my head.

[649] I have the will to do it and get up, but I do think being scared beforehand is some of the secret sauce.

[650] Yes.

[651] Which sucks.

[652] I don't know.

[653] I don't get scared doing stand -up anymore, but do not, I don't want to give a wedding toast.

[654] I don't want to have to, I really flub in those moments.

[655] Like, I bomb and the expectations are always so high.

[656] And I can't, for whatever reason, And I think I put off preparing for it because I'm like, I'll just be sincere and funny in the moment.

[657] And I've often bombed at weddings pretty severe one time my best friend's wedding.

[658] When I met my best friend in college, the first night we met, I stopped her.

[659] We were on a walk.

[660] We were like, let's just go leave this frat party and go walk down this block.

[661] And a block in, I just knew this was going to be my best friend for my life.

[662] So I go, I just have to say, our kids are going to know each other.

[663] That's how much I just, I know that.

[664] And that's so far away.

[665] And then, so I told that story at her wedding, and I go, but it's not going to happen, actually, because I'm barren.

[666] And it just, it's not funny.

[667] It's not even, it just sat there.

[668] And I'm not, but I don't know if I think, I'm sorry.

[669] I think that's kind of funny.

[670] It was, I mean, it's funny if you're, you know.

[671] Yeah, I was like, and it would have happened, Catherine, and I would have looked forward to it, but it won't because I'm barren.

[672] Barron is such too It's sort of an antiquated No one says baron anymore I am Baron And so It just bombed so bad And she was the only one that laughed But it was just so humiliating Because everyone was like the comedians getting up And then at my sister's wedding I told a story about how she was my younger sister But she had always resonated to me As like an older sister She was the first one to kiss a boy And have sex And she taught me to wear makeup and she knew that Santa Claus wasn't real before I did.

[673] She was the one that told me, like, he's not real.

[674] There were children at this reception that I gave this toast at, and that's when they found out Santa wasn't real.

[675] There was crying children in the bathroom.

[676] And then you panicked and did your vagina hunts.

[677] Let me tell you what it looks like, kids.

[678] I'm barren.

[679] It's a hastily packed suitcase, kids.

[680] Kids, where are you going?

[681] I love you starting to lose the kids on Santa Claus and so you panic and you go for it.

[682] Here's an image.

[683] Come back here!

[684] Wow.

[685] This has been fantastic.

[686] Thank you.

[687] This has been so fun.

[688] No, really.

[689] Just a delight to have you here.

[690] And thank you for being hilarious but also really honest.

[691] And it does help people.

[692] You're helping a lot of people when you tell them what you've gone through.

[693] Thank you.

[694] Because there are a lot of, and, you know, I like, I'd like us to get to a point in society where we're not talking about, here's the funny guys and who are the funny women?

[695] And let's list the funny women and here's the funny men.

[696] And be nice to get to who are the funny people.

[697] And we will get there.

[698] Yes.

[699] Yes.

[700] It's a march, but we will get there.

[701] And I do think you're helping a lot of people when you tell them, this is what I went through.

[702] Yeah.

[703] Because it's letting them in in a really great way.

[704] I can't even tell you.

[705] I forgot, there were multiple times during this interview that I forgot that I was talking to you and you're just a regular person.

[706] So I appreciate you being so cool to me. I just can't believe you're just so great.

[707] This isn't going to air.

[708] Nikki, this won't air.

[709] Please.

[710] Cohen.

[711] Just accept it.

[712] Anyone listening.

[713] But I aspire to be a talk show host.

[714] I host my own radio show.

[715] I, I, I've learned so much from.

[716] you watching you interact with I love your interviews that's so much such a part of the show that you usually skip on other people's and yours it's like my favorite part it's um and it's just an honor to like be on your couch when I'm at your place and I'm on your show let's clean that up a little bit no it's it's always such an honor it's just it's wild to me that I've achieved this it's like I could quit now and be completely fine with everything because this is a truly a dream come true Please don't cut this.

[717] Okay.

[718] I won't cut it.

[719] Thank you.

[720] But we'll put fart noises in.

[721] Nikki Glazer, thank you so much for being here.

[722] And let's do this again.

[723] I'd love it.

[724] All right, gang, it's time to review the reviewers.

[725] These are the Apple podcast reviews for this show.

[726] And we're going to dive into some of them if you want.

[727] Have you read these ahead of time?

[728] You're just going to blindly start?

[729] I've read them ahead.

[730] Okay.

[731] But you just don't want to get anything that could be.

[732] No, I'm always.

[733] Okay, I tend to go towards the negative, but I'm going to try not to do that today.

[734] I'm going to try and just take whatever criticism we get with good cheer.

[735] Yeah, and I don't think you're going to get any criticism, except for this first one.

[736] The title is, could be better.

[737] Oh.

[738] Would be a lie.

[739] Hey!

[740] This is a five -star rating, all right?

[741] In high school, in the early 2000s, I had a classmate who had a 10th.

[742] tattoo of Conan on her rump cheek.

[743] Naturally, I thought she was crazy.

[744] Turns out she knew a great comedian decades before I did.

[745] The podcast is awesome.

[746] It's really sweet.

[747] How do you feel about your name on a rump cheek?

[748] Many fans have tattoos.

[749] A lot of women have tattoos.

[750] I'm talking about not a lot of women in the world.

[751] I mean, just of the Conan fans.

[752] And I'm always sort of have mixed feelings about it.

[753] I have talked younger fans out of doing it.

[754] I draw a little Conan caricature, and I've had them ask me, oh, can you draw that on my arm?

[755] And then I'm going to go from here.

[756] I'm talking about women that are, you know, 18, 19.

[757] And I'll say, I'd rather you didn't do that.

[758] I don't think you should mark up your body with my face.

[759] I think it's cool.

[760] Well, I have a hard time with, do you understand how it would make me feel uncomfortable?

[761] I do, but they're a fan of yours.

[762] People get tattoos of bands and stuff.

[763] Yeah, but I could do something awful in like a month.

[764] Yeah.

[765] And then, do you know what I mean?

[766] No, it's true.

[767] I could completely so many celebrities now, so many celebrities, let's face it, they're beloved for one reason or another for their work, and then suddenly they're in prison.

[768] Yeah, you know someone's got a Bill Cosby tattoo.

[769] Well, I wasn't going to say that.

[770] Or Weinstein tattoo.

[771] Those were big.

[772] Yeah.

[773] Weinstein tattoos were huge for a while there.

[774] By nature of the man, they are huge.

[775] The full body tattoo.

[776] Yeah.

[777] I had a Trump tattoo done in the 80s just because I was a fan of his real estate acumen and then now you know now I don't know what to say but so things can change and I could snap at any time I could snap at any time and commit atrocious crimes If nothing has happened yet I think you're good because you've done a lot of awful like you've said awful things What are you talking about?

[778] I haven't said awful for you And people love you even more.

[779] I haven't said awful things to the people.

[780] You know what I mean?

[781] A lot of it recorded on this podcast.

[782] Yeah.

[783] Do you know what I mean?

[784] This is called good -natured give and take.

[785] I give you take.

[786] And you better be good -natured about it or it's out the door and no paycheck for you.

[787] I just can't imagine the scandal that you would be embroiled in.

[788] I don't know.

[789] Oh, Conan stole some ancient Flemish armor.

[790] And from a museum, there's actually an armor museum in Worcester, Massachusetts, and, you know, Conan Stoll, some of the Flemish armor.

[791] My crime, when it comes out, is going to be weird like that.

[792] But it's still going to be a crime, and people with my tattoo are going to wish they hadn't have it.

[793] But I'm very, I think it's very erotic that someone had it on their rump.

[794] Yeah, and rump is such an interesting word choice, too.

[795] Rump, why does that feel like lower butt cheek to me, like, just under the shelf?

[796] Jesus Christ, get your hands out of your pants You're such an animal Do you have tattoos?

[797] Not a one, you?

[798] No, none Yeah, you have a tattoo of Adlai Stevenson You're the only one that's known who he is Yeah Do you have a tattoo?

[799] I do not have a tattoo If you had to get one, what would you get?

[800] Probably the cast of Gilligan's Island Just to throw people off No!

[801] Yeah, come on Yeah, I would Like how big standing in a line or what?

[802] Yeah, covered the whole chat.

[803] Are they on a little island?

[804] You know what?

[805] I will say this.

[806] We have a writer on the show's very talented writer who has tons and tons of tattoos and he's always getting more of them.

[807] And I had this thought recently, which is at the end of the day, you're just entertaining the coroner.

[808] Like the coroner's like, all right, what are we doing today?

[809] Now, this is many years from now, I hope.

[810] This is someone I really care about, but they pull back the sheet and, oh, hey, look.

[811] And it's like a magazine.

[812] Yeah.

[813] And instead of, before they cut the chest open and whatever, they do You're assuming they die of an unsolved mystery.

[814] Most people, most the writers on my show will die under somewhat sorted circumstances.

[815] But you know what I mean?

[816] While they're investigating the autoerotic asphyxiation or the drowning in molasses, you know, they're going to have something to look at and go, oh look, there's R2D2 holding a corona.

[817] Oh, you know, So there's...

[818] You just made me realize I want a tattoo.

[819] Yeah, that's an actual real tattoo, by the way.

[820] That the writer has?

[821] No, no, not the writer.

[822] He would get it if he had thought of it.

[823] But we did our tour back in 2010 tour.

[824] A guy working in my crew went, hey, Conner and I finally got my dream tattoo.

[825] Check it out.

[826] And it was R2D2 holding a corona.

[827] Holding with a little robot arm?

[828] With the little arm that goes like...

[829] The little arm that comes out and goes, and rotates and mysteriously solves every problem in the script.

[830] Well, we don't have to get a commentary on the Star Wars problems out of this.

[831] Just, you know, take it easy.

[832] It's a sensitive time right now.

[833] You just triggered Matt.

[834] Oh, my God.

[835] Wow.

[836] I've never seen a beard sweat.

[837] All right, well, anyway, let's stay on topic here before you go down your Star Trek wormhole.

[838] Okay.

[839] Star Wars.

[840] Same thing.

[841] Anyway, now watch the comments fly.

[842] You just lost half your listeners.

[843] Oh, please.

[844] Half?

[845] Well, half the world Star Trek.

[846] You know, I like to say that people.

[847] Well, may the force be with you and prosper.

[848] You mix those two up, you know?

[849] Yeah.

[850] Live long and prosper.

[851] Sona's looking at me like she doesn't understand.

[852] No, I know.

[853] I don't know.

[854] So anyway.

[855] Did you want me to laugh?

[856] Yeah.

[857] Well, when I look at you and I hold up my left thumb, that usually means laugh.

[858] Oh, that's so sad.

[859] You'd be cute.

[860] Anyway, I wonder how the woman is who has the Conan on her butt cheek.

[861] Has she been okay with that decision?

[862] Do you think she's had it removed?

[863] Or has she had the tattoo altered to be another celebrity who's probably worn better over time.

[864] Slight adjustments.

[865] Can't you just accept?

[866] Slate adjustments to my face would make a Brad Pitt tattoo.

[867] Oh.

[868] When I mean slight, I mean a complete removal and re -inking of Brad Pitt.

[869] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend with Sonam O 'Sessian and Conan O 'Brien as himself.

[870] Produced by me, Matt Goreley.

[871] Executive produced by Adam Sacks and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf.

[872] Theme song by the White Stripes Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair And our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples The show is engineered by Will Bechtin You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts And you might find your review featured on a future episode Got a question for Conan?

[873] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message It too could be featured on a future episode And if you haven't already please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[874] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.