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[0] This is exactly right.
[1] Hey, this is exciting.
[2] An all -new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th.
[3] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster, detectives.
[4] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.
[5] Who killed Saz?
[6] And were they really after Charles?
[7] Why would someone want to kill Charles?
[8] This season, murder hits close to home.
[9] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.
[10] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.
[11] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.
[12] Who knows what will happen once the cameras start to roll?
[13] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfinacus, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, DeVine, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.
[14] Only Martyrs in the building, premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.
[15] Goodbye.
[16] Hello.
[17] Hi.
[18] Welcome to the very special minisode.
[19] Today's minisode is unlike any we've ever done before.
[20] That's right, but it's similar to like them, but because...
[21] Yeah, you won't be confused.
[22] Yeah.
[23] It's not like, we're going to throw you a total curveball.
[24] It just has a theme because it's brought to you by...
[25] It's brought to you and to me and to Karen by the movie searching that we got to go to the Sony lot in Culver City and sit in this like...
[26] Well, wait, so we basically get a call saying, They want to do like a special mini -sode where it would be like a big long commercial for this movie.
[27] So come down to Sony and watch this movie in one of their screening rooms.
[28] And like these little theaters, it's like a little, like if you were rich and had a mansion and had like a movie screening room, it's like that.
[29] And the chairs are huge and comfy.
[30] And it's like, it's like it's, it was awesome.
[31] It was really fancy.
[32] The Sony lots of old.
[33] It's like one of those ones that's in Culver City.
[34] It's been there forever.
[35] Gorgeous.
[36] And we were just like living.
[37] the highlights in this screening.
[38] And then we got to see a movie that we actually like because I think both of us as the credits were rolling to begin with, we were like, oh, wait a second.
[39] What if this is terrible?
[40] This is like one of the many films I see on a weekly basis and enjoy because of the badness.
[41] We're like, oh no. But thank God.
[42] I think like 10 minutes and I was like, okay, we're safe.
[43] John Cho is like the freaking best actor.
[44] Okay.
[45] So if you saw Harold and Kumar, I'm sure that's not the first credit he would love for us to give, although he might be quite proud.
[46] It's one of my favorites.
[47] But John Cho is the lead in this movie, and Deborah Messing is the, another lead, maybe first lead, maybe second lead.
[48] I don't know.
[49] This is one of my favorite things about living in Los Angeles is, or to me, the best thing is you can live in Los Angeles, you can go into a movie theater, watch a movie, come out, and then accidentally run into the person that was in the movie.
[50] That's right.
[51] And so very soon after I saw Harold and Kumar in the theater, I would, was at a Starbucks very, very near you.
[52] And he was walking out as I was walking in.
[53] I don't think, I think it was the next morning.
[54] It wasn't the same day.
[55] But it was the next morning.
[56] And he had this little like hat on.
[57] He is so good looking in real life.
[58] It was like, he's very star like in real life.
[59] So it was very exciting.
[60] So to see him in like kind of his own movie or like it's a vehicle for him was super super cool.
[61] And then.
[62] And it's a thriller and there's just like crazy twist at the end.
[63] The thing is we can't tell you about the most interesting part of it.
[64] Of course.
[65] But it's essentially, you hear the ads.
[66] You know, it's really cool.
[67] Karen, of course, as a TV writer, was three steps ahead of me in knowing what the twist was.
[68] She was like, I know what it is.
[69] And then I just started guessing.
[70] And I was wrong.
[71] But it was really fun.
[72] But I have to say, usually, no brag, in most movies, I get the twist much quicker than that.
[73] And I was really hunting for it.
[74] And I was just, and then when I got it, I was like, okay.
[75] But that's part of the fun.
[76] I never get the twist.
[77] And I guess so wrong, constantly loudly.
[78] So it's fun going to movies with me. You know why I think I do that?
[79] It's because I saw the sixth sense with my friends.
[80] And all of them were like, it was so obvious from the beginning.
[81] And I was like, not until the very final moment did I know.
[82] How great what that feeling was when like suddenly it was revealed.
[83] And you're like, holy shit.
[84] Yes.
[85] And then you have to go watch it again.
[86] So that's, what?
[87] Searching is in line with one of the.
[88] of those thrillers where you're like, what did I just see what's happening?
[89] Yeah.
[90] And it's very, so it's very we're very excited to be doing this.
[91] Oh, and so Sony is giving away a bunch of tickets to the screening on the 23rd.
[92] If you are in the fan cult.
[93] Exactly.
[94] So we're going to post these links in the fan cult.
[95] It's a ton of cities.
[96] Stephen Stephen's going to read them very fast right now.
[97] Go.
[98] Atlanta.
[99] Austin, Boston, Charlotte, Chicago, Cincinnati, Cleveland, Columbus, Dallas, Dallas, Denver, Detroit, Houston, Indianapolis, Kansas City.
[100] Las Vegas, Miami, Minneapolis, Orlando, Philadelphia, Phoenix, Pittsburgh, Portland, in Sacramento, San Antonio, San Diego, Seattle, St. Louis, Tampa, Toronto, and Washington, D .C. Yes.
[101] So it was amazing, Stephen.
[102] If you're in the fan cult and you live near any of those cities, go on to the fan cult forum.
[103] These links will be put up.
[104] You can get two passes and go watch this movie for free.
[105] I think it's going to be cool.
[106] Yeah, I think it's going to be cool because it's going to be screenings.
[107] It's like one screening, so it's going to be a ton of murderinos there with you, right?
[108] Oh, I guess.
[109] You know what I mean?
[110] Yes, exactly.
[111] That'll be fun.
[112] A ton or like four.
[113] Or four, really exciting ones.
[114] what we're saying is keep your eyes feel right don't just start yelling weird shit also we don't really know how this works we've never done it before but okay so what we asked for is for you guys to have like the theme was then to go together was uh what you know what was your someone or a story are you hiding a secret life yes so or living a secret life and stephen said we got over 600 emails just in the week that we solicited it's amazing was it 600 or more than that it was a little it was like about 600 essentially it's crazy So crazy.
[115] Just from the, he called, he called those for four ones that he, you know, as he told me earlier, after a while, it wasn't good enough just that your dad had a secret family in a second city.
[116] Because that's, he started getting bored.
[117] Yeah.
[118] He was like, common.
[119] Yes, it's happened.
[120] This is the story.
[121] Which, of course, it's not common or boring for the people.
[122] It happens to.
[123] But, you know, there, there were then, there was variations on this.
[124] theme that we're very interesting.
[125] You had to up the stakes.
[126] And I think we got so many and there's so many good ones that I think we're just going to start, you know, adding these to the regular minisodes and throwing them in here and there because they're really good.
[127] Who doesn't like a secret life?
[128] Yeah.
[129] Like it's a fascinating reveal.
[130] Totally.
[131] Sorry, just as quick sidebar.
[132] Did you see the guy that tweeted the picture?
[133] This is what I found in my wall.
[134] And it's a cat hanging in the in the paint of a ceiling, like a little hammock.
[135] It's like there's a little pooch.
[136] No, no. It's in In fact, it's looking down and its eyes are rolled up so it looks like a demon.
[137] It's the funniest picture.
[138] It's on our Twitter feed.
[139] You have to go look at it.
[140] It's so good.
[141] Oh, my God.
[142] Oh, my God.
[143] He was like, I found this in my wall.
[144] Wow.
[145] Like, the paint is peeling and this demon cat is just like.
[146] And of course, the cat would be able to get up in that and just be like, hmm.
[147] That cat is so like, fuck you.
[148] That's my new bed.
[149] That's where I live now.
[150] Fuck you.
[151] All right.
[152] You want me to kick this off?
[153] Sure.
[154] Uh -oh.
[155] Here we go.
[156] Yeah, I'm out of, I'm out of iced coffee.
[157] Let's see.
[158] Subject line on this is just crazy secret life.
[159] People got it.
[160] They got it.
[161] Georgia, Karen, Stephen, and Animals.
[162] On the most recent minisode, you asked for outrageous stories about secret lives, and I decided to share mine.
[163] About 10 years ago, my dad came home and started telling us about an elderly couple he met while working as a police officer.
[164] He said that he was going to help them on their farm and do our jobs and earn some extra money.
[165] We thought nothing of this story and didn't question it.
[166] about a year or so into my dad helping the couple he came to us again and said that they'd won the lottery and that they were going to give him some of their winnings again this didn't seem off to us the couple gave him $5 ,000 and we went on a nice family vacation to Universal Studios in Orlando oh my god a really fun place to go on vacation around this time my dad started acting very different he started drinking more and withdrawing more from the family after we got back from this vacation he said he won a hunting trip to Canada still didn't seem weird as he's an avid hunter and he showed us a letter from a respected outdoors company detailing the trip Oh my God He goes to Canada for a week or so About a week after he came home We started getting weird calls on our home phone A woman kept calling saying she was from his company And asking how he liked his trip This happened incessantly Oh my God Finally after the 10th or 11th call Oh my God Asking the same question We figured out something was very wrong My toes are crunched right now.
[167] We find out that the woman calling was his girlfriend.
[168] All along, the elderly couple was code for his mistress.
[169] Oh, my God.
[170] His mistress actually won the lottery.
[171] What?
[172] And paid for our trip and random shit around our house.
[173] That was real?
[174] How was that the most insane part, the real part?
[175] Isn't that the best?
[176] Dude.
[177] But so she wins the lottery.
[178] She's paying for shit, random shit around the house.
[179] And he, the dad said he brought.
[180] or this email says he brought home from the quote elderly couple this secret ended the 20 year marriage 20 plus year marriage to my mom stay sexy and question everything jordan oh my god the lottery part like makes that story it's it's because i was like what are they did they rob a bank like how's the how's the money gonna i didn't know like yeah and you're or you're thinking does he kill that old couple like is this the sure one of those things where you're like and then my dad was an evil person or whatever and it's like but they're trying to figure out a way to basically launder lottery money into the family oh my god and i love that this fucking girlfriend's like she's like maybe he's ignoring her she's like hey how was that trip motherfucker yeah this is just a this is a customer service call to make sure you were pleased on your trip it's a great way to like drive him crazy yes like that's a great way to infiltrate and just be like well it's also clearly maybe an indicator that cheat was a touch crazy because if you call anyone more than five times and i don't care if it's your best friend or your mother you're crazy like 10 times phone call walk away yeah you got to walk away like ever or in a day yeah yeah i'm i'm counting him up you're on number eight for me holy shit okay but how about when you don't it's only when you don't answer though that's why i don't answer the phone i don't want to cut anyone out of my life when i call you i just picture you rolling your eyes of worse.
[181] Well, you know the problem is most of the time I have my earbuds in.
[182] Oh.
[183] And I'm singing along terribly to like some song.
[184] And then I startle you out of it.
[185] And then you just automatically resent the person, even if they're calling to tell you they love you more than anything.
[186] And that you won the lottery.
[187] Yes.
[188] Okay.
[189] All right.
[190] This is called Secret Life.
[191] My fellow intern, Tony slash Kayla, the sex torsionist.
[192] Okay.
[193] Sex tort.
[194] How do you say it?
[195] Sex tourist?
[196] Or like, sex tortinist.
[197] Sex torsionist.
[198] Like an extortionist, but with sex?
[199] Thank you.
[200] Okay.
[201] Cut that up.
[202] Keep it in.
[203] Turn it up louder.
[204] Turn that part of really loud.
[205] Put some base in it.
[206] Hi, Karen, Georgia.
[207] Stephen and Pets.
[208] I never thought I'd have a good story to share until you requested secret life stories.
[209] This doozy just came flying out of my memory bank.
[210] It's kind of dark, so I'll avoid going into too much detail.
[211] When I was at 19, I interned for my first political campaign in the small Wisconsin town where I went to college.
[212] I was assigned to work for a really cute guy who shared an office with another staff member, as well as his intern, Anthony.
[213] We called him Tony.
[214] Tony and I spent a lot of time together by default doing intern projects, making phone calls and knocking doors for our candidate.
[215] On election day, we got up at 5 a .m. to drive around neighborhoods hanging vote reminders on people's doorknobs.
[216] Tony was a bright, low -key, normal high school kid.
[217] We were both the kind of teenagers who gave up all their free time to work for a cause we believed in.
[218] Or so, I thought.
[219] Oh.
[220] A couple months after the election, local and national news lit up with details about Tony's online persona, Kayla.
[221] Around November 2007, Tony began setting up fake Facebook accounts, most notably a pretty, flirty teenage girl named Kayla, to lower male classmates at his high school.
[222] Kayla coerced the boys into sending her sexually explicit content of themselves and then threatened to release the photos and videos to the whole school if they didn't follow through with what she had asked.
[223] Predictably, her demands began to escalate.
[224] Kayla made some of the victims meet up with Tony in person who claimed he was also being blackmailed.
[225] I started working with Tony about eight months into his online scheme and he continued doing it the entire time we worked at the campaign.
[226] Tony's reina fucked up tear came to an end soon after the election in the most teenager way possible.
[227] He did something really stupid at school that bit him in the ass.
[228] A week after election night, the last time I saw him, he emailed an anonymous bomb threat to a school, quote, as a prank when using the internet in the school library.
[229] Police traced it back to him, which probably took two seconds because this kid had never heard of an IP address and he was expelled.
[230] After that, the victims came forward and police seized his computer to find all the content and he collected of his victims in very obviously named file folders.
[231] Oh, no. In that one year period, Tony had 31 victims.
[232] Some were as young as 15, and at least seven had been sexually assaulted by him.
[233] Whoa.
[234] So the part I didn't read was that he would have them meet up with him and be like, I'm also a victim.
[235] And Kayla said we have to do this or she's going to, like, expose us.
[236] So that was how he, like, got them to hook up with him.
[237] him.
[238] Isn't that fucking insane?
[239] But da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da.
[240] Okay.
[241] When he was arrested in 2009, his case became the first big national story about sexual extortion online and launched the term sex distortion into the national conversation.
[242] Whoa.
[243] I received a letter from his attorney sometime after he was arrested asking if I would serve as a character witness.
[244] When I worked with him, he seemed like such a regular, unremarkable dude I probably would have forgotten about over the years.
[245] I almost wish I could go back in time and see if there was something.
[246] off about him that I missed, but he was probably just a sociopath who could live two different lives like no big deal.
[247] Anyway, there's no way in hell I was going to defend his ass in court.
[248] I don't want to end this story in a bummer note, so here's a fun fact about the same campaign.
[249] Remember, I mentioned interning for a really cute guy.
[250] We crossed paths a few years after I graduated from college, and next month we'll be celebrating our three -year wedding anniversary.
[251] Oh.
[252] There's a lot of scumbags in politics, so when you meet a good guy, you got to lock him down.
[253] Take notes, political murderinos.
[254] Thanks for reading my story.
[255] I am working on a campaign right now and I look forward to your podcast each week so I can take a mental break and recharge my batteries.
[256] Can't wait to see you in Portland in October, stay sexy and don't campaign with internet creeps, Liz.
[257] Oh my God.
[258] High school.
[259] Like high school.
[260] Also, that story makes me think of that movie Tickle.
[261] Did you watch the documentary tickle?
[262] And it's a similar, but like on a larger scale thing of extorting people and manipulating them and that's like the whole thing.
[263] about putting things like on video or on picture and sending them on the internet you're you become you're at the mercy of a person you have to know who they are a lot of these do have like black the ones I read that I'm not really having like black male shit in them yes and like that I mean it makes me so glad that we didn't have fucking internet in high school because I would have done something very stupid of course I mean we had internet but we didn't it wasn't like that that's insane it makes me think of my cousin Kim and she what she tells my nieces like before they go to anything social because now they're well Sophie's in college but Anna's still in high school and she just says don't do anything you don't want everyone to know about because that's what what it's going to end up being so don't want that you don't want to follow you for the rest of your fucking lay you just have to you have to be the first line of defense instead of trusting other people I'm just now learning that lesson so I haven't even learned it I can't imagine a fucking high school person well I mean Jesus okay Karen you know I'm all about vintage shopping absolutely And when you say vintage, you mean when you physically drive to a store and actually purchase something with cash?
[264] Exactly.
[265] And if you're a small business owner, you might know Shopify is great for online sales.
[266] But did you know that they also power in -person sales?
[267] That's right.
[268] Shopify is the sound of selling everywhere, online, in store, on social media, and beyond.
[269] Give your point of sales system a serious upgrade with Shopify.
[270] From accepting payments to managing inventory, they have everything you need to sell in person.
[271] So, give your point -of -sale system a serious upgrade with Shopify.
[272] Their sleek, reliable POS hardware takes every major payment method and looks fabulous at the same time.
[273] With Shopify, we have a powerful partner for managing our sales, and if you're a business owner, you can too.
[274] Connect with customers in line and online.
[275] Do retail right with Shopify.
[276] Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at Shopify .com slash murder.
[277] Important note, that promo code is all lowercase.
[278] Go to Shopify .com slash murder to take your retail business to the next level.
[279] today.
[280] That's Shopify .com slash murder.
[281] Goodbye.
[282] Hey, this is exciting.
[283] An all -new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th.
[284] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster detectives.
[285] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.
[286] Who killed Saz?
[287] And were they really after Charles?
[288] Why would someone want to kill Charles?
[289] This season, murder hits close to home.
[290] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.
[291] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.
[292] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.
[293] Who knows what'll happen once the cameras start to roll?
[294] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfinacus, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, DeVine, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.
[295] Only Martyrs in the building, premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.
[296] Goodbye.
[297] Let's see.
[298] This is Secret Life Roommate Edition.
[299] Yes.
[300] Dear Karen, Georgia, Stephen, and Pod of Pets, I have an absolutely insane secret life story about a previous roommate of mine.
[301] We'll call this roommate Kristen.
[302] Kristen and I met through a college program and became fast friends in 2014.
[303] After a semester, we became roommates with another girl we were friends with and things were great.
[304] I would have considered her my best friend so much so that I would have asked her to be a bridesmaid in my wedding.
[305] Anyways, after a year of living together, we graduated and decided to move to a new city together.
[306] We both got jobs in our profession at different locations.
[307] We both made separate friend groups, but this is where things started getting weird.
[308] I met her friends for the first time in August, and they were super nice and friendly with me. But then the next time I was around them in September, they all gave me the cold shoulder.
[309] I couldn't really shake that feeling that I'd done something wrong, but thought maybe I just wasn't as close with them as she was.
[310] Fast forward a few months, mine and Kristen friendship had totally diminished.
[311] She made plans to take me out for my birthday, but the morning of canceled due to peer.
[312] cramps.
[313] I understood but was disappointed.
[314] I felt like I had done something wrong unknowingly and was being punished for it.
[315] I had tried to bring it up a few times but she just brushed it off and pretended everything was fine.
[316] Eventually I just accepted that our friendship was falling apart.
[317] In March of 2017 she ended up in the ER for some mental health issues.
[318] I met up with her and her friends at the hospital and they proceeded to ask me why I'm there and quote do you think your presence here is going to help her mental health?
[319] I'm shocked.
[320] I asked them, stunned what they mean and their response is don't you think your breakup is a little too much for her to deal with right now that's right ladies she had told these girls that we were dating back in August unbeknownst to me furthermore in an effort to end her lie she told them we broke up hence the cold shoulder for a month and it all began to make sense that she wouldn't hang out with me in public I wasn't invited to her birthday party in my house what and she unfollowed me on social media while they were still living together awkward all that stuff was done in an effort to cover her lies um not only that but her new friend group showed me all of our quote breakup test texts after she was released from the hospital we had a talk and she had no remorse or explanation for her lies needless to say we're no longer roommates are friends thank you for all you do me and my not pathological liar friends love your show and can't wait to see you in Atlanta stay sexy and don't get scammed by your roommate Harriet I have so many questions for I want to know how her friends reacted like her girl's friends reacted when she was like when she was like none of that is true well I think the key part there though is if she ended up in the hospital for mental health issues yeah maybe everybody went oh this is a little shakier than like we thought yeah like everything got on like questionable ground sure but yeah oh my Jesus that must have been so bewildering where everyone's immediately yelling at her we're like everyone's mad at like yeah mean to you for no reason I feel like I'd be going crazy.
[321] Right.
[322] Like, what happened?
[323] What went wrong?
[324] All right.
[325] So, this one is called, da, da, da, da, da, da.
[326] I can't reach you the name of the thing, but, all right.
[327] Karen, Georgia, Stephen and various animals.
[328] I just finished listening to Minnesota 83, where you ask for secret life reveals, and my friends have been begging me to send this story in, so here we go.
[329] Back in the 70s, my parents were in a bowling league.
[330] Over the years, you get to know other people in the league, and you all become friends, acquaintances, whatever.
[331] One of the, uh, their friends always invited my dad to come over for taco parties, but he never went.
[332] I don't know why, but all the, it's like, mm -mm, it's delicious.
[333] Taco parties, no. Fast forward of it, and one night, my dad and his friend Sam are at the alley when their friend walks in, acting very animated.
[334] He shakes my dad's hand and puts an arm around Sam and says to them something along the lines of, hey, guys, I don't think I can stay very long because the FBI is following me. They pretty much blew him off thinking he was crazy.
[335] The next day, and both of my parents were at the local grocery store they worked at.
[336] They were 18 and 19 years old.
[337] And who walks in that morning, but Sam holding a newspaper?
[338] My mom said that he looked like he saw a ghost.
[339] What's the front page story that day?
[340] Their bowling league friend from the night before had been arrested for multiple murders.
[341] Oh, and who was that guy from the bowling league?
[342] None other than the killer clown himself, fucking John Wayne Gacey.
[343] All caps, fucking John Wayne Gacey.
[344] Oh shit.
[345] Sam went on to be his defense attorney.
[346] Oh, whoa.
[347] And Sam and my dad are still friends to this day.
[348] He wrote a book about it a few years ago and signed a copy for my dad.
[349] I remember hearing the story from a young age, but I never really thought much of it until I was a teenager and realized who John Nguyen Gacy was.
[350] Doesn't everyone's parents bowl with notorious Syria killers?
[351] No, just mine?
[352] Okay.
[353] Anyways, that's all I got for now.
[354] Stay sexy and don't join bowling leagues with killer clowns, Alyssa.
[355] P .S., my dad would like to note that it was De Plains PD following Gacy and not the FBI.
[356] Lull, crazy clown.
[357] Wow.
[358] That just makes me think of it in the, I think it was the made -for -TV movie or could have been the real movie.
[359] Brian Denehy is playing John Wing -Gacy And when it gets to that part Where he's just like He's like drunk during the day And driving around And just like trying to avoid the police Oh my God Like it just made me pick In the movie in my mind It was Brian Deney walking into that bowling alley And be like hey guys The FBI is following me At the bowling alley What if they had gone to his taco party And like been in the house And then he's like Who likes magic tricks Down to the basement everybody Oh Jesus John So insane Okay I like this this one.
[360] The subject line is Secret Life.
[361] Well done, everybody.
[362] Good day, Karen, Georgia, Stephen, and Fur Babies.
[363] They just have to say.
[364] My name is Tiana, and I am an education assistant at a small private school in Canada.
[365] A group of my friends at work got me addicted to your podcast, and you guys have made my morning commute much more entertaining.
[366] When I was listening to last week's minisode and you asked for secret life stories, I thought it may have one that is interesting.
[367] When I was nine years old, I was adopted.
[368] Growing up, my parents did not hide the fact that I was.
[369] They were always very open and honest.
[370] At 12 years old, my mom and I were sitting in the basement, and I started asking some questions about two pictures in my baby book.
[371] I have something attached to my head, and I'm being held by a nurse.
[372] I asked why I had that.
[373] My mom replied that they were running tests, and then I asked what kind, and she responded to see if you had drugs in your system.
[374] Why the heck would I have drugs in my system?
[375] And my mom said, because you were not born in a hospital.
[376] So many thoughts are running through my mind, and then my mom proceeds to tell me my story.
[377] Oh, my Fucking God.
[378] On November 25th, 1987 in Calgary, Alberta, two young boys were skipping school and took a route through a parking lot.
[379] The boys, 14 and 15, stopped to look at a cool car when one of the boys heard a soft cry of a baby.
[380] He looked down to find what he thought at first was a doll, but was in fact a real baby inside of a garbage bag, head sticking out.
[381] One of the boys picked me up and ran over and both ran towards an older gentleman who helped me get into.
[382] inside to a warm place.
[383] The police said that if it had been an hour later, it would have been a much sadder situation.
[384] And yes, that little baby they found is me. I was placed into foster care.
[385] And my now mom and dad became my foster parents at nine days old.
[386] They legally adopted me on my mom's birthday, May 2nd the following year.
[387] My face was all over the newspapers and on TV, and it was a huge story in Calgary.
[388] My dad at the time was a journalist, and he was actually covering my story.
[389] The social services people thought, what a better place to hide this baby from the media than with someone in the media.
[390] No one at my dad's job knew that while covering this crazy story, he had the little baby at home.
[391] I love it.
[392] I was also dubbed Mary Olympia Doe because Olympia because the Calgary Olympics were happening in just a few months.
[393] Now, if you're wondering, my parents waited to tell me the story, it was because a doctor told them that it would mess me up if they told me when I was younger.
[394] Anyways, stay sexy and don't abandon babies.
[395] Tiana.
[396] Oh my God.
[397] I'm going to cry.
[398] That's the best.
[399] That's the best.
[400] That's, there's nothing.
[401] There's none.
[402] I don't even know if I should read my last one.
[403] Do it.
[404] No, do it.
[405] I love that.
[406] Great job, Tiana.
[407] That was beautiful.
[408] We're so happy for you.
[409] I wonder if she has ever met those boys that found her.
[410] I just got killed.
[411] They're heroes.
[412] Tiana, Tiana, find those boys and say hello.
[413] Yeah.
[414] Let them carry you across a parking lot again.
[415] Yeah.
[416] Take pictures of it.
[417] Show it to it.
[418] Okay.
[419] Secret life lighthearted.
[420] Oh, secret life, life and hearted.
[421] I get it.
[422] Was there a hyphen in there somewhere?
[423] So I thought that, yeah, that I wrote, okay, here we go.
[424] Hi.
[425] Hi.
[426] My dad has always been my favorite person.
[427] We always, we've always been extremely close, even though he's a naturally very distant person.
[428] Think Atticus Finch from To Kill a Mockingbird's demeanor.
[429] He even looks like a young Gregory Peck and is a defense attorney.
[430] Wow.
[431] As intensely private as Karen's dogs are, he dislikes being noticed or congratulated to the point that he didn't even go to an award ceremony for him being congratulated, wait, for him being an attorney of the year because he didn't want people to think he wanted a pat on the back.
[432] Wait, are these people Irish?
[433] Did she say at the beginning?
[434] No. They're just like, turning down attention, can't relate, ha ha.
[435] Anyways, I found out some stories I had never heard on my last trip home.
[436] As it turns out, he secretly, anonymously pays for the transport food bills and medical care of a janitor at his office who had to quit due to chronic illness and couldn't afford a car or meds.
[437] The janitor has absolutely no idea who is behind it and due to my father's very distant nature would never suspect.
[438] He has even left anonymous envelopes of $500 ,000 in mailboxes of people he knew who said they couldn't afford Christmas presents for their children and waive fees for clients to be able to buy gifts for their kids during the holidays as well.
[439] I could go on and on, but it just goes to show that not every secret life is a bad one.
[440] Some people are secretly making the world a much better place.
[441] He's helping us all stay sexy and not get broken down by the constant stream of shitty news.
[442] Anyway, thanks, Karen, Georgia, Stephen, for all you do.
[443] best, Jay.
[444] Oh my God.
[445] I love that one.
[446] Isn't that amazing?
[447] And also, so true, like, there are lots of people doing lots of very good things and they don't want the credit.
[448] It's not about the credit.
[449] I don't get it.
[450] So we'll never hear about it.
[451] Like, I remember somebody telling me, and I think it's come out at this point.
[452] When David Letterman was still on the air, he used to just anonymously donate thousands and thousands of dollars for scholarship money for Ball State, which is the college he went to.
[453] Oh, my God.
[454] And And like he, I just, anytime I hear about that at all, it's just so amazing because it's, you know, there's good, there's good things happening out there.
[455] So the first thing I do whenever I donate is put a fucking post up on Instagram to tell everyone I donate.
[456] Of course.
[457] Like, come on.
[458] That's why everyone does.
[459] But, you know, that's the thing about it is.
[460] And, you know, there's every once in a while people will email us, um, talking about like, I feel bad or I had a breakup or I feel terrible.
[461] What should I do?
[462] And that's the thing I got taught early is if you feel bad, help somebody else.
[463] because it will make you feel so much better and you don't realize it because I think most of us weren't really it's not a natural thing to do because it doesn't connect it's like but what about me why don't have to put myself aside and it's like that's actually the good part get out of your own fucking world and go yeah extend yourself to someone who actually really needs help for real that's a great that's a really great advice piece of thing that's a nice one well this has been so cool what a fun exciting kind of you know experiment experiment and fancy commercial we get to do we love the we love the opportunity that we get to kind of like host a movie like this for um for you guys and uh and you know hopefully we get to do it again yeah very exciting yeah thanks for listening you guys and send your letters to my favorite murder at gmail we're still taking new secret life emails we love the secret lives so much fun and don't forget if you're in the fan cult you can um you can get uh two passes to the movie searching brought to you by Sony at all the information will be posted, Stephen will post it on the fan cult and you can find out everything and stay sexy.
[464] And don't get murdered.
[465] Goodbye.
[466] Elvis, you know your line.
[467] You want a cookie?
[468] There you go.