Child Not Living Up to Potential? Do This.

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[24] So you know what's frustrating.

[25] You have a child who is capable of so much more.

[26] Sometimes they do the minimal work necessary just to get by.

[27] You look at this child so filled, just bright, so filled with energy, so filled with potential promise, but not living up to it.

[28] And so your natural response to that is apparent is to begin to try to control or make them progress, to lecture, to be on them, to show them to really dig in and try to get them to see how important it is to understand all these different lessons and concepts.

[29] and work your hardest and do your best.

[30] And it always backfires.

[31] And they always shut down or resist you.

[32] So I want to show you a different way to handle this so that your kids will actually progress faster, but it's going to be very counterintuitive because everything is with a strong will child.

[33] That's what we're going to talk about today on this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast.

[34] This is Kirk Martin founder Celebrate Calm.

[35] Find us at Celebrate Calm .com.

[36] Find a huge Christmas holiday sale at christmas at christmas .com okay celebrate calm .com if you need any help as always reach out to us you know i had something happen today i'm just going to tell you this so i had a really good dad email casey c -a -s -e -s -e -slebrate calm dot com and his son is really struggling and he's a good kid but he's really struggling in school and so the school's like we don't know if we can handle him so they're like should we send them to a military school or are we going to send him to a school for special kids and your heart just breaks and you start to see this is a good kid he just needs some tools and if the teachers had these tools they know how to help him instead of rejecting him because schools you're they're in the kid business right but sometimes they get into the business like well we're a school we have these standards there's nothing wrong with standards and rules but sometimes we forget that no we're in a kid business and our job isn't just to teach the easy kids and the neurotypical kids, it's the kids who struggle.

[37] And so I told Casey text to me, he's like, Dad, what do you think about this guy's email?

[38] And I was like, well, I don't want to do a phone consultation because I don't know exactly what he needs.

[39] And so I said, I'm just going to email the guy.

[40] And so I end up emailing him back and I was like, look, I've got a tennis match today.

[41] I'm driving to the match at 4 .30.

[42] You got a little time to talk?

[43] Now, I'm not promising I'm going to do this with you because I'm probably not.

[44] For some reason, I wanted to talk to this guy.

[45] And we had this amazing conversation.

[46] And at the end, he was like, you don't know how much this means to me. And the truth is, I do know how much it means to you.

[47] Because we had that kid.

[48] And we always wished, right?

[49] I remember one of the first books we read was Ross Green's book about the emotional child.

[50] And it was fantastic.

[51] But we felt so alone back.

[52] then.

[53] And so to be able to talk to the dad, I know what that means because to have someone to say, your son's going to be okay.

[54] Everything's going to be good.

[55] Here's a game plan.

[56] And so he emailed Casey and he's like, Casey, you don't know what that means to us, but you forwarding the message to your dad means the world to us.

[57] Thank you.

[58] That's what gets us going.

[59] That's what makes our day around here.

[60] By the way, for the guy who did that, Casey didn't forward it to me. I see everything that goes on here because I have control issues and this is my this is our passion this is my business so I know everything that's going on so let me give you um let me give you hopefully some wisdom and insight here into our kids so picture this picture you know kind of a neurotypical kid kind of more regular normal I don't want to say normal but you know what I mean just roll with me with those things please I say a lot of words and I don't script it because I don't want it to be perfect.

[61] But you've got a neurotypical kind of compliant kid.

[62] As you watch him progress through life, he's going to walk pretty steadily.

[63] One step after another, he's going to meet his goals, he's going to progress, it's going to be great, he's going to get good grades, and maybe tech honors classes, SATs, ACTs, it's going to go off to college.

[64] And it's very, very smooth.

[65] It's a regular path.

[66] Now you take your strong will child.

[67] His path or her path does not look like that.

[68] It's going to be in fits and starts.

[69] They're going to stop and then they're going to go forward like three steps and then they're going to go backwards like five steps.

[70] And it's and it's hard.

[71] And so what's going to happen with these kids is it's like they have a period of consolidation.

[72] They make some progress.

[73] But then and then we're like, oh, good job.

[74] Good job.

[75] You did such a good job.

[76] And that's why I don't like overt praise with these kids.

[77] I like even matter of fact praise where it's statement of fact.

[78] Like, hey, you did a good job with that.

[79] It shows me you're growing up.

[80] Boom, out of there.

[81] I don't stand and hover over kids and give them praise.

[82] I don't stand and hover over these kids for anything.

[83] When I give them instructions and directions to do something, I let them know what I expect.

[84] And then I walk away and I don't hover because I know if I hover, I'm just going to hear, this is stupid.

[85] I don't want to do my chores.

[86] I know I'm going to hear it.

[87] So I move on.

[88] And I give them space to process.

[89] their disappointment and wrestle with it inside without me hovering over them.

[90] And so here's what happens.

[91] We see these kids not progressing as they should or as we think, you know, let me correct myself there.

[92] It's they're not progressing as we think they should, but they're progressing as they should.

[93] And that's the key.

[94] These kids are not on your timeline and you need to let go with that.

[95] You need to stop reading all those books about, like, well, by this age, they should do this.

[96] No, they shouldn't.

[97] Every child's different.

[98] And the strong -willed child moves in a different path, and you're just going to have to get comfortable with the fact that it's going to be really uncomfortable.

[99] And their path is going to be rocky, and they're going to fall down.

[100] And sometimes there's no signs on their path that they're taking.

[101] What do you think it feels like for them?

[102] Right?

[103] We have all this anxiety, and I understand that.

[104] It's warranted.

[105] You're justified in feeling.

[106] anxious and worried about what's going to happen to this child.

[107] I get it.

[108] But imagine being them feeling different from everybody else.

[109] And everybody in society says, well, this is the way that you're supposed to do it as a child.

[110] And yet this kid, your child, doesn't want to do it that way and he's not made to do it that way and he shouldn't do it that way.

[111] They feel alone.

[112] They feel like everybody's against them and they feel all this pressure of trying to fit in to be someone that they're not and a lot of that is society puts it on them schools put it on it on them and we do with our own control issues because we want it done a certain way and our own anxiety and I encourage you I will tell you if you will work on your own anxiety and your own control issues it will change your entire life not just as a parent but as a spouse as a human being going through through daily life, it is so liberating to know, I don't have to control everything.

[113] I don't have to control other people's opinions and I'm not responsible for everybody else's happiness.

[114] I'm responsible for my own happiness and then to be giving and kind and thoughtful and forgiving of other people, but not controlling of them.

[115] And so watch what, think about this.

[116] If you can picture this, here's your strong will child.

[117] You want them to progress.

[118] keep moving on.

[119] But I guarantee if you're standing there watching them, whether physically or metaphorically, they won't move.

[120] You know why?

[121] Because they want to do it themselves.

[122] And if you're standing there, they won't feel free to try it and to take that step out because they want to take that step and they want to mess up.

[123] They want to feel free to try it in a different way.

[124] But think about this if you're standing there watching them and they start to do something new or progress you know what we do oh honey honey honey don't don't do it that way because look i know a better way and if you do it my way it would be so much easier and so much quicker just do it this way right or if they were starting to stub their toe and touch the hot stove we would have to jump in and get them to stop it because that's not the right way to do it does that make sense to you and that's when they shut down and they go into that shell as you pick sure a turtle, he's going to go out and start walking, but as soon as that turtle senses there's danger around, and here's what's danger to your kids.

[125] You're hovering, you're lecturing, you're noticing everything that they do wrong, you're trying to fix them, and your control issues cause them clam up, right back under that shell, and then they'll go backwards.

[126] You know what they say?

[127] I'm out.

[128] You know why?

[129] Because I wanted to try it.

[130] I started to do it, but it's never good enough for you and you won't give me the space to try it and fail.

[131] I need to touch the hot stove.

[132] I need to fail.

[133] I need to try some things myself.

[134] I don't want to do it the way you want me to do it.

[135] I don't want to do it your way.

[136] I want to figure it out myself because if I figure it out myself, it's a little bit harder.

[137] It's more of a challenge.

[138] I like problem solving.

[139] I like to see patterns and I like to fix and tinker with things.

[140] And I want to own it because if I figure out how to do it without you micromanaging me, then I'm going to own it and I'm going to know how to do it the rest of my life.

[141] And then it'll feel gratifying.

[142] Otherwise, I'm just doing things to keep the teachers happy, to keep you happy so that everybody gets off of my back.

[143] So I'm going to encourage you to step back so that you can give your kids space to step up.

[144] It is not easy to do.

[145] But I promise you, it's a lot easier than trying to control your kids because when you try to control the behavior of another human being, it frustrates them and it frustrates you.

[146] And the truth is, it doesn't work and it ruins your relationship.

[147] I have parents all the time who are like, well, my child doesn't want me to come to their dance recital or to watch them ride horses or come to their sports games.

[148] Then don't go.

[149] Honor that.

[150] Honor that.

[151] You know what?

[152] why they don't want you there because they know that you'll micromanage it and they feel your pressure and they don't want to feel that so honor that in them that's called being assertive mom dad i don't want you there i want to do it by myself but honey i'm your mommy and i want to see everything that you do so that can support you look that to your kids is so overwhelming and it is so it's like feeling claustrophobic it's like oh they're going to be all over me they're going to talk about it how i could have done it differently or they're going to make too much of a look here's the reason your kids don't like overt praise oh honey you did such a good job i'm really proud of you that sounds like pressure to them no no no i didn't do a great job because now you're going to expect me to do that again does that make sense write the word space down in big letters and give your kids some space i promise you if you will give them space give them tools to succeed, give them perspective, but give them space.

[153] They will progress more quickly than if you try to engineer it and fix it and control it and motivate them to do it.

[154] Stop trying to fix them.

[155] Stop trying to fix their moods too.

[156] That's an entire different podcast.

[157] But let's stop trying to fix everybody else.

[158] And my goal for you, as we go through the holidays and get into the new year, is how would this be for a new year's resolution, which I hate because it's basically nobody does it?

[159] But still, I like goals.

[160] I like written affirmations.

[161] I do like that.

[162] I like being intentional.

[163] What if your goal for the new year was this?

[164] I am finally going to stop controlling everybody else, everybody's emotions, everybody's behavior.

[165] and instead, for the first month of this new year, in January, I am going to learn how to just control myself and to give my child space to own his own choices, to be responsible for himself, to stub his toe and touch that hot stove and learn from it and grow.

[166] Let's do that.

[167] Let's make that our goal.

[168] And if we can help you get the materials.

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[170] It's easy.

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[172] Let your kids listen.

[173] Your kids, I guarantee you if you let your kids listen, they're going to be like, Mom, Dad, listen to this, listen to this guy.

[174] He's speaking the truth.

[175] That's how I feel.

[176] Will you please trust me and give me some space?

[177] let's do that.

[178] If we can help, let us know.

[179] Casey, C -A -E -S -E -Y at Celebrate Calm .com.

[180] Thank you.

[181] You guys are good parents.

[182] Love you all.

[183] Bye -bye.