Halsey

[0] Welcome, welcome, welcome to armchair expert.

[1] I'm Dan Rather, I'm joined by Monica Monsoon.

[2] Emmy nominated three times decorated.

[3] Three times?

[4] Thrice times decorated.

[5] I wish.

[6] Not as an Emmy nominee, just thrice times decorated.

[7] Oh, like decorated my house.

[8] Two state championships.

[9] One, two.

[10] Two.

[11] Right, okay, so two state championships and an Emmy nomination, thrice decorated.

[12] All right, thank you.

[13] I'll take it.

[14] Now, today we have an incredible singer.

[15] I'm a huge fan of, and largely because this is one of the first artists that my daughters and I shared as a favorite.

[16] It was very fun for us when the Halsey songs would come on the radio and we all get excited.

[17] Yeah.

[18] It's nice to share music with your loved ones.

[19] Yeah, it is.

[20] Halsey is our guest.

[21] She is a Grammy Award nominated, a platinum selling singer and songwriter.

[22] You know from this year, Manick, Hopeless Fountain of Kingdom in 2017, Badlands, and Room 93.

[23] She's got a bunch of amazing songs that we talk about.

[24] And she has a new book out right now.

[25] It's poetry, and we are lucky enough.

[26] It was a last -minute idea to hear one of the poems, which was incredible.

[27] It was.

[28] And her new book is called I Would Leave Me If I Could, a Collection of Poetry.

[29] I love that title.

[30] I would leave me if I could.

[31] So please enjoy Halsey.

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[34] Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts.

[35] He's an object square.

[36] He's an altruidstack's good.

[37] How are you?

[38] I like your hair, do.

[39] Me too.

[40] Oh, you too.

[41] Me too.

[42] I was like, I wonder if this is okay etiquette.

[43] For me, this is embarrassing.

[44] Is it for you?

[45] No, I'm a millennial.

[46] I get to do whatever.

[47] I am envious of you guys I just noticed that the other day I was driving around and I bought a very kind of douchey car Nice Yeah because I'm 45 and I'm from Detroit and I like horsepower But you know Every time I see guys In this exact car I'm like oh gosh Here comes these guys And then I'm fucking vaping and there's like Vapor coming out the window I'm like I am just a bullseye of the person I think I don't like Yeah it's like 45 dushy car from Detroit You also like smoke inside the house and listen to Eminem or like what's going on.

[48] Probably more like Bob Seeger, but yeah, I'm with you.

[49] There we go.

[50] Okay.

[51] Where are you at right now?

[52] I'm in L .A. in the suburbs, which is where I've decided to resign.

[53] Okay.

[54] Now, you have a shaved head.

[55] I do.

[56] More than that, the side is slick.

[57] Yes.

[58] Yeah.

[59] Let me add to the thing with the car and the vaping, too.

[60] Look at this.

[61] Look at this ridiculous hair, dude.

[62] Wow.

[63] Your hair is longer than mine.

[64] Well, much.

[65] I had kind of longer hair.

[66] My daughter shaved her sides.

[67] I wanted to match her.

[68] And then I just had a ton of hair on the other side.

[69] And I thought, this is crazy.

[70] So now I've shaved both sides.

[71] I was watching a documentary.

[72] And I saw a dude with this haircut.

[73] And I was like, that's not who I think I am.

[74] Oh, interesting.

[75] That haircut can go with lots of personalities.

[76] Let's be open.

[77] Okay.

[78] I think I'm maybe in a little bit of an identity crisis.

[79] Oh, no. I think that's okay.

[80] I feel like my whole life thus far has been an ongoing.

[81] identity crisis.

[82] That's how you end up bald in the suburbs, just when I am.

[83] So, you know, it's fine.

[84] How long have you lived out here?

[85] I guess like unofficially like five years or so.

[86] I was living in New York before, but this is the longest time I've ever been in one place ever.

[87] Okay, so I think you and I maybe share this.

[88] I moved to probably a dozen houses before I graduated high school.

[89] And now I'm neurotic.

[90] I cannot stand moving.

[91] The house that we are about to leave, I've been in for 16 years.

[92] It's the longest I ever lived anywhere by a factor of four or five.

[93] Yeah.

[94] And I feel so safe there.

[95] And I would have never left.

[96] I just wouldn't have left.

[97] I didn't care if we became billionaires.

[98] I would have stayed there.

[99] It started getting kind of charming that our house was so average.

[100] It's literally where I'm at right now.

[101] Okay, good, good.

[102] Yeah, that's where I'm at right now.

[103] I grew, you know, it's funny, I moved a lot growing up, too.

[104] My parents, like, were always looking for, like, cheaper houses and better jobs.

[105] Like, my parents didn't even own a house until I was, like, 23, maybe.

[106] Uh -huh.

[107] So I went to, like, eight different elementary schools and, like, you know, the whole thing.

[108] So I'm kind of in a similar boat.

[109] But it was really funny because when the quarantine started, a lot of people I saw, like, were kind of posting at me being like, Halsey, you probably live in a 15 -bedroom mansion with servants.

[110] And I was like, I live in a three -bedroom ranch style in a cul -de -sac.

[111] And I don't even own a car.

[112] You don't own a car.

[113] No, I have no car.

[114] I was just like, nah, you got me. We're all wrong.

[115] I got a follow -up question about that.

[116] Is that because you're a New Yorker?

[117] Yes.

[118] How fucked were you when people couldn't Uber?

[119] Do you have a bicycle, an electric bicycle?

[120] No, I just became that friend that was like constant.

[121] constantly calling their other friends being like, you man, can you give me a ride?

[122] I, too, my house that I don't want to leave is a ranch.

[123] Really?

[124] I love a ranch.

[125] I'm upset.

[126] We're moving to a non -ranch home.

[127] I got to get those stairs in.

[128] Yeah, the notion that I'm going to have to climb a flight of stairs when I get coffee, I don't know that I love that.

[129] Again, I told you, I'm getting up there, 45.

[130] Okay.

[131] Some motorcycle injuries.

[132] The knees aren't ideal.

[133] In fact, when we were remodeling this place we're about to move to, I was like, it should be a consideration that one of the rooms on the first floor is nice enough that when I can't climb these stairs, I'll have to move down.

[134] Kind of like male orangutans, they end up getting so fat they can't live in the canopy anymore.

[135] So they're just on the dirt by themselves.

[136] I envision my future as being like a male orangutan.

[137] In your bed on the first floor, wistfully nostalgic for better knees.

[138] Thinking about how much square footage Kristen's in up there.

[139] Yeah.

[140] Now, here's another thing that we share in comedy.

[141] Well, I think there's actually more than this.

[142] But so my father sold cars my whole life.

[143] Ah.

[144] Is your dad in the car biz, the car game?

[145] Yes.

[146] Yes.

[147] Yes.

[148] Yes.

[149] I always tell stories about how when I was growing up, going out with him was such a headache because we never got home from anywhere quickly because he would always run into someone he sold a car to.

[150] Oh, uh -huh.

[151] And so, like, we'd be in the grocery store, and I'm, like, 13, and I'm, you know, just a complete brat and don't want to be there.

[152] And then I go to get milk and I come back, and my dad's like, Cheryl, hey.

[153] How's that Toyota RAV for?

[154] Literally.

[155] And I'll be like, Dad, who the hell is this woman?

[156] And he'd be like, I sold her a Chevy Suburban in 2005.

[157] I need to just also mention that my dad is, like, a very huge, lovable black man. Uh -huh.

[158] But for some reason, whenever he speaks car salesman talk, he sounds like Mr. Rogers or something.

[159] Oh, sure.

[160] Well, he code switched, right?

[161] A hundred.

[162] Yeah.

[163] A hundred percent.

[164] So, like, you know, we're home, and my dad's like, yo, like, da -da -da -da -da, like talking to us completely normal.

[165] And then as soon as we're in the grocery store, he's like, Cheryl, how is the family?

[166] Golly.

[167] Wow.

[168] Did you guys get out to the cape?

[169] Yeah.

[170] Literally, yeah.

[171] And then we get back in the car and he, like, starts the car.

[172] bone thugs in harmony just kind of waving from the speaker.

[173] You know what I mean?

[174] And as a child, you're just like, oh, this is utterly confusing for me. Yeah.

[175] Yeah.

[176] Yeah.

[177] Your dad was in the car business.

[178] He was in the car game, I'll say.

[179] It was just a hustler, right?

[180] Every aspect of life was an opportunity to, like, clear 10 % profit.

[181] And he had all these sayings.

[182] And I got a very warped worldview from him, which is basically like just take what you can get and run like hell.

[183] Right?

[184] Like the only objective was to turn some product, move some units, and make some money.

[185] And I totally bought into that.

[186] And I have been confronting it for a long time.

[187] But did your dad have any sayings that he passed on to you?

[188] Like, do you have some car salesman vernacular that you can think of?

[189] My dad used to do the sell me this pen thing.

[190] Oh, sure.

[191] Sure.

[192] It was the worst thing ever.

[193] I was like, Dad, I'm eight.

[194] I want to watch fucking Hannah Montana.

[195] I don't want to sell you this pen.

[196] Oh, he wants you to sell him the pen.

[197] Yeah, he'd be like, sell me this pen.

[198] Sell me this pen.

[199] pen.

[200] And I don't know if this is a car salesman thing, but it has car salesman energy, which is CSE.

[201] CSE, which is very, very parallel to BDE, I'll just add.

[202] Yeah, I agree.

[203] He'd be like, I don't care what you end up doing in this life.

[204] You can be president in the United States, or you could be a cashier at ShopRite, but whatever you do, you better be the best damn cashier in the ShopRite.

[205] I want you to be the best shop cashier that there is.

[206] Whatever you do, you I'd be the best of it.

[207] And I'd always be like, cool.

[208] And also then, like, I don't believe you at all.

[209] Because if I do end up, you're going to be pissed.

[210] Yeah, yeah.

[211] I thought you were going down the road of a lecture my father gave me, which is he said, like, don't fool yourself.

[212] Every motherfucker is a salesman.

[213] I don't care why.

[214] Oh, you're a doctor.

[215] No, no, no, no. That doctor's selling his opinion to those patients.

[216] Like, you break down how every single job is a sales job.

[217] So you better get good at sales no matter what line.

[218] of work you end up in.

[219] Yeah.

[220] He said there's an ass for every seat, don't fall in love with metal.

[221] I mean, it was just one after, like, you're going to be a bad purchaser of something if you're in love with it.

[222] If you have an emotional attachment to a car, you're no longer making a responsible decision.

[223] It's great advice.

[224] I've not followed it, but it's true.

[225] Yeah.

[226] And I found there's pretty much an ask for every seat.

[227] Yeah.

[228] Yeah.

[229] I think it backfired on my dad being that way, though, because I remember when I was like 13.

[230] I was living in Jersey, and I wanted to go into Manhattan by myself.

[231] And my parents were like, no, it's not fucking happening, not a chance.

[232] So I made a PowerPoint presentation.

[233] Oh.

[234] And was like, all right.

[235] So thank you for being here.

[236] Great, lovely turnout.

[237] This is why I should be allowed to go to the city alone.

[238] It's because of this and this and this.

[239] These are the numbers.

[240] The emergency system, blah, blah, blah.

[241] Also, Exhibit A, Brie, who lives down the street, she's 13, too.

[242] Her mom lets her go.

[243] So I made him like a PowerPoint presentation.

[244] And then from that moment on, I just argued my way out of absolutely everything with my father.

[245] He was like, I want you to be a great business woman.

[246] And I turned into like a lawyer instead or something because I was just constantly arguing, arguing my way out of everything with him.

[247] Did you have that kind of relationship where you were like outselling your father?

[248] It was the most complex relationship I ever had my life because they got divorced when I was three.

[249] I only saw him every other weekend.

[250] He was a drunk for the first 12 of those years.

[251] He then got sober, which was great.

[252] And we were sober together at one point, which was great.

[253] But he was super alpha and aggressive.

[254] And I was a burgeoning alpha aggressive person.

[255] And I did not like to be superstar.

[256] Well, I just didn't like to be dominated by males because I had all these stepdad.

[257] That went wrong.

[258] And so, yeah, we were a match made in hell at times.

[259] But we were.

[260] We were, I have to admit, it's so similar, it's crazy.

[261] And yes, most of the things that have probably helped me over the years have been the things about him I hated that I've learned to harness.

[262] A hundred percent.

[263] I just started breaking that down in therapy.

[264] I was like, oh, quarantine, I have time.

[265] Let's do dad.

[266] So, like, and it's funny realizing, like, how many qualities that you have, like, unintentionally.

[267] absorbed or inherited and qualities that, you know, you perhaps resent in one of your parents and then you see it manifest in yourself and you're like, well, I really like this about myself, but then you're like, oh, other people might hate this about me, though.

[268] You know, you have that, like, perspective.

[269] It's, uh, that's definitely a fun one to get into.

[270] Yeah.

[271] And now, having moved to all these schools, which again, I did a handful of times, not nearly as bad as you, that's a rough experience.

[272] How did you do in that?

[273] I think there's definitely pros and cons.

[274] The cons obviously are like a lack of stability, you know, a lack of like reliable friends to kind of go through that process of transformation.

[275] You know what I mean?

[276] It's nice to have people as a point of reference, like people you've known since you were young, you watch them grow up.

[277] You can then apply that to yourself and be like, okay, how am I growing up?

[278] I was constantly confronted by new people that I didn't really understand.

[279] But there was something really great about it in the sense that, well, one, it taught me not to care what anybody thought of me for a really sad reason because I'd show up to a new school and be like, I don't like care if anyone here likes me because I'm going to move in a year anyway, which is, you know, sad for a little kid.

[280] But it was also great because I think it made me the way that I am as a performer today.

[281] Because every time I moved to a new place, I invented a new person.

[282] Yeah.

[283] So whatever I didn't like about myself, I could kind of shed layer by layer every time I moved where, like, you know, I'd be like, Like, oh, I'm not really that confident.

[284] So when I start this new school, I'm going to be confident, and I'm going to be funny, and I'm going to be outgoing, and everyone's going to like me. And if that didn't work, I was like, all right, cool, try again next school, you know?

[285] Yeah, you got a lot of resets.

[286] Yeah, for sure.

[287] So it teaches you how to condense your personality into a very – this is salesmanship, which is really funny.

[288] We're getting into this.

[289] It teaches you how to condense your personality into, like, a really digestible and concise thing at a young age because, like, you show up somewhere new.

[290] You're not going to be there that long.

[291] So you're like, I'm Ashley, I'm 11, I like art and this, and I'm like this, and I like that, take it or leave it.

[292] You know what I mean?

[293] You're like nine.

[294] And so it kind of teaches you like, you're essentially branding yourself.

[295] You've come up with a one -liner on a movie poster.

[296] Totally, totally.

[297] The best, worst kept secret.

[298] Yeah, it's like my elementary school copy line.

[299] Like, you know what I mean?

[300] So that's been really good for me in my line of work.

[301] But it's also, well, trauma in there, too.

[302] that I've had to, you know, unpack as well, which is, like, spending a lot of time alone, making friends with mostly adults, which is weird for a child to do.

[303] All my friends were teachers growing up, always.

[304] And like I said, there's some good in that, but there's some bad, too.

[305] Because by the time I was, like, 19 or 20, I had felt 19 or 20 for, like, 10 years.

[306] Uh -huh.

[307] When you were 17, you had a 24 -year -old boyfriend, which, like, on the surface, you're a little, for me, I'm a little bit like, ooh, okay, it's a little dicey.

[308] Yeah.

[309] But I imagine you maybe felt like that was the level of maturity you need it.

[310] I think that's a huge mistake that young women make, too, is you like meet an older guy and you're like, oh, he must like me because I'm so mature.

[311] And then you have to, like, years later, you look back and you're like, what the hell did that 24 -year -old man have anything in common with a 17 -year -old girl?

[312] And you look back and you're like, oh, so that's what was happening there.

[313] Okay, you know.

[314] So I say this often.

[315] And so I was molested.

[316] And I'll say that the last thing, impact of being molested is that you have to confront the fact that, oh, there's some people on this planet that are out to get me. Yes.

[317] Yes.

[318] Not everyone is kind.

[319] Not everyone's looking out for you.

[320] Yeah.

[321] And it's on me to figure that out.

[322] So it just gives you a different set of glasses, which are just very scrutinizing and probably not as trusting.

[323] And I don't, of course, at the time didn't realize that transformation had happened.

[324] Yeah.

[325] I moved through the world very much like.

[326] 80 % of these people are trying to fuck me. It's not going to happen on my watch and came to find out years later.

[327] Actually, there's probably 70 % are nice people.

[328] My math was wrong.

[329] Yeah.

[330] So I wonder, like, what age were you when it occurred to you?

[331] Like, oh, that 24 -year -old probably took advantage in some way.

[332] You know, I think it was in the last couple years, I think, because I'm 26.

[333] So, you know, once I kind of got into the point of, like, having meaningful and fulfilling relationships with adults and adults closer to my age.

[334] I historically like an older man dater.

[335] Sure.

[336] I always have been.

[337] And it was kind of starting to get into relationships with people that were like, I don't know, less than 10 years older than me. You know what I mean?

[338] I really started to understand those relationships.

[339] And also, you know what I think had a lot to do with it is once I started to find more professional success, my desire to be sexually.

[340] empowered kind of just disappeared because being professionally successful is like far more fulfilling than being sexually successful.

[341] Sure.

[342] Can we define sexually successful?

[343] Like many people are attracted to you and want to be with you.

[344] Totally, totally.

[345] Like, you know, when I was like 19, 18, 16, 17, because I was really ugly kid.

[346] I was fucking hideous.

[347] And hold on one second.

[348] Hold on.

[349] Pause, pause, pause, pause, pause, pause, pause, pause, pause, pause, pause, I'm willing to accept this, but I certainly need more information.

[350] Okay.

[351] And before we move on to how hideous in discussing you are as a child, which I'm sure you were, just please ask Monica what her dating profile, the age range is.

[352] I want you to know that Monica was born in 87, so she's 33.

[353] So hit her with some questions.

[354] Monica, what's the age?

[355] Give it to me. Well, it started at 45, I think.

[356] And I've since raised it and raised it and raised it because there are people that are excluded, right?

[357] Like Brad Pitt was excluded.

[358] And I saw him in that once upon a time.

[359] I'm in Hollywood.

[360] I was like, oh, my God, my age range cannot not include Brad Pitt.

[361] So I had to raise it to that.

[362] And then we had Bill Gates on.

[363] And I was like, man, I would.

[364] So I guess I'm and Sean Penn. Sean Penn is a big tipping point.

[365] Yes.

[366] So now, and then I thought, man, if Ruth Bader Ginsburg was still alive, I would want to include her too.

[367] So, you know, we're up into the 80s.

[368] Yeah, I actually really can relate to that for sure.

[369] I think my favorite couple ever is Sarah Paulson and Holland Taylor.

[370] Oh, I know.

[371] I love it.

[372] When I see them out, I'm like, yeah, I want that for me. I want that for me for sure.

[373] Because, you know, the cool thing is I have daddy issues and mommy issues, so it's awesome.

[374] So I can just, the opportunities are really endless.

[375] Sure, sure.

[376] Okay, so why are you ugly?

[377] What's your proof?

[378] I'm in middle school.

[379] Everyone else has this like burgeoning womanhood happening.

[380] Like, you know, everyone's like starting to become like sexual and confident ass titties they're coming in yeah you know i'm like 65 pounds like four foot 10 i'm like so skinny i need to wear like a couple pairs of thermal leggings under my skinny jeans just to make them fit that's a true story i'm like glasses buck teeth frizzy hair a whole shebang another thing we share i had horrendous buck teeth please continue oh yeah it was terrible i looked like a nightmare cartoon rabbit or something Okay.

[381] Over the summer, like, sophomore year or so I kind of like did the About a Girl teen movie like makeover, I got contacts, started straightening my hair, body changed, all that.

[382] And I was like, oh, shit, I'm hot.

[383] Ah, there we go.

[384] So then I started kind of like running amuck with my hotness being like, what can this get me?

[385] Can I get free ice cream?

[386] Can I get a better parking spot?

[387] Can I get, you know.

[388] And, you know, at a certain point now that I've gotten more successful, I think that, and this, I'm just being completely candid here.

[389] It's a better feeling when you can walk into a room and think to yourself, like, I am a very, very successful person.

[390] And there's a lot of things that people in this room would want to talk to me about.

[391] And a lot of, you know, cool things I could do with people in this scenario.

[392] Instead of walking into a room and being like, I bet I could fuck anyone here.

[393] Yeah, yeah.

[394] I walk in going, I hope that.

[395] That would be my dream.

[396] Well, Monica, I agree on this.

[397] Monica are both seen as pretty smart.

[398] We're seen as funny.

[399] We'd trade all that to be hot.

[400] Like if we just, we'd way rather have people just think, here's my thing, if you end a sentence with and I would fuck him, like, so you could go like, oh, Dex, yeah, he's a dumbass and he's so selfish, but I'd fuck him.

[401] That's a big win for me. But it's, okay, it's because we've never felt valuable.

[402] We've coveted that hotness.

[403] Yeah, so for you, you felt hot.

[404] You already felt like you checked that box off.

[405] So then you want to be seen as smart and creative and funny and those things.

[406] Sure, sure.

[407] But to be fair.

[408] I think one of the best things is that I spent most of my life ugly because I still feel like an ugly person.

[409] Okay, that helps us because we do too.

[410] Yeah, I still feel like an ugly person.

[411] We have this thing too where we look back at pictures of ourselves.

[412] So when we were certain we were had like, we were terribly out of shape and we're ugly.

[413] And I'll look back and I'll go, that was a good looking kid.

[414] Do you have that?

[415] No, I look back and every single year, my perspective.

[416] goes, I was ugly until last year.

[417] Oh, okay.

[418] And then next year I'll go, I was ugly until last year.

[419] And then the year after that, I'll go, who let me shave my head?

[420] I was so fucking ugly.

[421] You know what I mean?

[422] So it'll keep going.

[423] We can't move on without, because young women are listening to this.

[424] And I can't have them think that actually I prefer to be hot.

[425] No. No, that's not true.

[426] We know, we know.

[427] We know.

[428] We know.

[429] We know.

[430] I don't let the people know.

[431] That's kind of actually what I was getting around to, though, is the thing is that, like, that's one of the things I talk about with my, I say my kids, my fans, but like, most of them are older than me. I don't know I say my kids.

[432] That is such a better feeling, is to feel empowered because of things that you've achieved instead of being like, oh, I'm empowered.

[433] Because then you kind of get to a point too where, like, you don't even care that you could fuck people.

[434] Yeah.

[435] I've had, like, heartthrob crushes of my ultimate life in Hollywood be like, how's it?

[436] what's up like and have been like eh no maybe not maybe not you know what i mean which is kind of cool you're healthier than me because i said oh wow yes let's date and maybe i'll think i'm great afterwards and then i still don't like myself but i had to really climb the ladder pretty high before i went oh yeah no one's going to give me that but me yeah that's a bummer actually same yeah okay good good good good you weren't just born with it.

[437] Once you start ticking the highest people off of your bucket list, off of your fuck bucket list, and then you're like, oh, right?

[438] Your bucket list and you're like, oh, that's weird.

[439] I still hate myself.

[440] I should, I should call a therapist, like, immediately.

[441] I remember going into the bathroom of a dream girl's home and looking at myself in the mirror.

[442] I'm like, no, man, you are still a piece of shit.

[443] Look at you.

[444] This is a great magic trick you pulled, but, you know, I'm not buying it.

[445] Yeah.

[446] You know what?

[447] You are speaking directly.

[448] into my soul right now.

[449] Oh, good, good, good.

[450] I've had the bathroom mirror experience, too, multiple times, multiple.

[451] Or so, like, I've been in the bathroom mirror and been, like, I hope something happens and you get better in the next 15 seconds before you have to go back out there because this is not going to cut it, sis.

[452] Like, this is not going to cut it.

[453] Have you had even, like, the second layer of that, which is, oh, I've assessed that this person's higher status than me or better than me, and then I get them to like me. And then, again, instead of that making me feel better about myself, I then decide, oh, they're not as good as I thought because they seemed to really like me. Yes.

[454] It's like, you know, I thought you were so cool and so smart and funny, and then he decided you were interested in me, so you must be mentally ill. Yes, yes.

[455] You know, like something must be deeply wrong with you inside if you have decided to be attracted to me. So actually, I'm better than you, and this doesn't count.

[456] Now this doesn't count anymore.

[457] In fact, you're very deceptive, young woman, because you're a loser, because you like me. Yeah, literally.

[458] Then you're fucked.

[459] It's just a cycle.

[460] Not to shift gears too dramatically, but I do think it's interesting that you say at 17 is when you kind of had this budding into womanhood and feeling attractive.

[461] And I'm guessing that's the worst year of your life.

[462] Or among the worst years of your life?

[463] I think it was like the first absolutely terrible year of my life.

[464] Right.

[465] So isn't that so counterintuitive?

[466] I'm sure like zero to 16, you're like, oh, if I felt sexy and people were interested in me, I would be so happy.

[467] No, because I got myself into so much fucking trouble thinking I was sexy.

[468] Oh, okay.

[469] I thought my sexiness was a superpower.

[470] I was like, I'm invincible.

[471] I can go live in a crack den in Brooklyn.

[472] It's fine.

[473] No one will hurt me because I'm hot.

[474] Wrong.

[475] Fucking wrong.

[476] Yeah.

[477] Because at least before that, you know, I didn't.

[478] go outside and my interests were limited to like, you know, and they still are.

[479] I shouldn't say that.

[480] I kind of consider that like a phase, that like seven to 22 -ish.

[481] It all kind of culminated for me. I got into a relationship with somebody who was addicted to drugs.

[482] And as a result, my currency of expressing love with them became doing drugs with them.

[483] Yeah, yeah.

[484] And I never Went all the way, but I teetered with some really dangerous situations all for the sake of this, like, crazy hot relationship.

[485] And then I was like, okay, cool, being hot is going to get everyone killed.

[486] No one should be hot.

[487] This is lethal.

[488] And I'm going to go back to being a fucking ugly bookworm 12 year old inside because it's much safer for me there.

[489] Now, you also, at that age, you discover your bipolar.

[490] So do you think also, obviously, you probably had some desire to regulate your emotions with something.

[491] I have a lot of empathy for the person with an undiagnosed mental illness who's just trying to get relief from it.

[492] Yeah.

[493] And do you think that was tied into it?

[494] Yeah, I mean, I think a lot of what happens to is you get really anxious and you get into situations where you have no control.

[495] And at that point, there's like a departure that goes either one of two ways.

[496] It goes into, well, if I can't have control over anything, then fuck it.

[497] Or the other departure, which is now I'm going to neurotically attempt to control everything.

[498] Everything in my life becomes a potential danger to me. I'm analyzing every person and every scenario I interact with as a potential intruder or imposter or catalyst of some kind.

[499] And you can't live like that.

[500] You know, so it builds up and it builds up and it builds up.

[501] You know, for me, having a mental illness and being in a relationship with an addict was an absolutely terrible tornado.

[502] Yeah, confluence of bad.

[503] Yeah, it's a storm.

[504] Perfect storm.

[505] I'm a control freak and I can barely control my own emotions.

[506] And now I'm trying to control the emotions of a person who is not dealing with logic and reason the way that I'm familiar with.

[507] Yeah.

[508] So now I'm questioning my own perception of.

[509] reality.

[510] Because I can't control myself.

[511] I can't control them.

[512] So what can I control and why am I even alive?

[513] What is even the point of anything?

[514] You know, that was what the process was like.

[515] I want to add one part, though, for people who can't kind of relate to it.

[516] For me personally, yes, I was in these situations that were physically quite threatening or dangerous, as you say, crack houses.

[517] And on the surface, that looks very dangerous as it is.

[518] But, but, But the fact that the drug gives you a very predictable emotional state, regardless of your surroundings, I always felt like, well, now in retrospect, I realized I was choosing my emotional stability or what I thought was emotional stability and control of my emotions over my physical safety.

[519] Because to me, that was a trade worth making.

[520] Yeah, yeah.

[521] I found myself in a lot of situations like that as well.

[522] Ultimately, with the drug becoming, as I called it, a currency, there was a lot of infidelity in the relationship, too, you know, so it was kind of like, if I don't do it with you, you're going to go do it with someone else.

[523] Right, right.

[524] Probably fuck them, and I'm going to take you back anyway because this is what we do.

[525] So, you know, it's kind of one of those situations.

[526] And that was what I was choosing, is I was choosing a sliver of time where we could be on the same page and enjoying, I'm saying that in air quotes, the same thing together in a time where I knew that I would be on his good side.

[527] Yeah.

[528] Because I was partaking in the same experience as him, because whenever I would refuse, it would kind of manifest as in, oh, you think you're better than me. Right.

[529] And it's like, no, I don't.

[530] I'm just sober right now.

[531] He was manipulating you, by the way, and to feeling like you had to - Totally.

[532] Enable that behavior.

[533] Yeah.

[534] Reminds me of what we say in AA, which is alcoholics and addicts are megalomaniacs with inferiority complexes.

[535] So that sounds perfect.

[536] Like, that sounds like such a statement he made, oh, you think you're better than me because he feels like a piece of shit.

[537] I was to say that, does that track?

[538] Yeah.

[539] Yeah.

[540] Yeah.

[541] It was a really interesting process, But what it ultimately led to for me and circling back to the bipolar, which was like I had to kind of get my own shit together and stabilize my own self.

[542] And one of the first steps of doing that was removing myself from a situation where there's a literal chemical interference.

[543] I can't be baseline if I don't know what my baseline is because of drugs, because of trauma, because of gaslighting, because of PTSD, because of, you know, whatever in this kind of whirlwind.

[544] So I was like, okay, cool, I'm going to remove myself from that.

[545] figure out what my baseline is, and then kind of fix it from there.

[546] So I take Lexapro.

[547] Uh -huh.

[548] And I was on medicated for, like, a really long time, but I just started taking it like maybe like six months ago, I think.

[549] It was the quarantine that made me start taking it.

[550] I did the literally exact same with Lexapro.

[551] Yeah, yeah.

[552] Guys, this episode is brought to you by Lexapro, our new sponsor.

[553] Sponsored by Lexapro.

[554] No, actually, though, like, I can't speak too much on it because I have only been on it for six months, but I would literally become an ambassador for Lexapro, because it has changed my fucking life.

[555] And before that, I hadn't been medicated since I was a teenager because I'm an artist.

[556] So, like, I thought, like, if I took antidepressants and drugs, then it would interfere with my creative process.

[557] Yeah.

[558] Your artistic struggle.

[559] Stay tuned for more armchair expert, if you dare.

[560] up guys, it's your girl Kiki, and my podcast is back with a new season, and let me tell you, it's too good, and I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest, okay?

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[574] I don't know about you, but I'm also a victim of being of romantic.

[575] So even when my life was disgusting, to me it was mirroring Bukowski's and I was like, look how romantic I am.

[576] Look at this disgusting alley no one would want to be in, and I am fucking making it look good.

[577] Like, I have a deep sense of romanticism about it.

[578] It's so funny you say that about Bukowski because whenever I felt terrible about myself, I would hole up in my house and like read Bukowski and be like, oh, no, but I would be like, I'm the same as him, so it's fine.

[579] Yes, yes.

[580] I just need to write an amazing short story and all this will be justified.

[581] Yeah, 100%.

[582] Wow.

[583] And that's how I ended up writing a book, which is crazy.

[584] Also, the worst part was is that for a while, it fucking worked.

[585] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[586] Which is what sucks, because you don't want to subscribe to the belief that you need to be self -destructive to create.

[587] But for a while, it fucking worked.

[588] And I look at some of, like, you know, my biggest records, like number ones and all this stuff.

[589] And, like, I try to write songs about being happy and, like, fulfilled and, like, good.

[590] And, like, you know, fucking eating my vegetables and, like, practicing.

[591] mindfulness and like those don't go number one the ones about being abused do so like you know it's crazy how that's sexy song about meditating yeah it doesn't hit the same abuse just hits different i guess for billboard i've never had this thought before but even as you say it of course because people that can relate to that that struggle are also trying to just feed themselves with anything that can distract themselves from those feelings i can totally relate yet the people that are like i guess practicing mindfulness, they're actually just not even consuming as much.

[592] Like, they're off the treadmill of needing something to satiate their anxiety.

[593] Yeah.

[594] People who are in dark places need music.

[595] People who are in good places are, like, more productive than needing to, like, drown themselves in song for hours at night.

[596] Yeah.

[597] What an interesting mouse trap.

[598] There's not the replayability factor, I guess.

[599] You know, it's funny, though, because I did think about that when I started Alexa Pro.

[600] I have looked back on that time in my life where, like, I have.

[601] haven't showered in a week.

[602] I have like a blanket over my head.

[603] It's like three in the morning.

[604] I've texted like 30 people hoping someone is awake.

[605] And I'm just like sitting there and someone's like, hey, Ashley, like, why don't you start medication?

[606] And I'm like, but then I'm going to lose my spark.

[607] This is, yeah, the beautiful spark covered in a towel.

[608] What spark?

[609] Yeah, like what spark?

[610] You look like shit.

[611] You're fucking, you're not doing anything.

[612] Like you do it.

[613] You look like Wilson Cabin.

[614] Not a Yeah.

[615] There is no spark.

[616] Like, bitch fucking call your doctor.

[617] Like, that's basically, you know, and also I think I'm making some of the best stuff that I've ever made right now because the dark stuff doesn't disappear.

[618] It's just easier to access at an arm's length now in a way where it's not setting my whole life on fire because I'm living in the dark stuff all the time.

[619] I'd also argue that you're at a really unique position to help other people who are feeling that way, first relate to them and then give some perspective on it.

[620] I think a lot of these things are just indulging the darkness without really any, as we would say, in program solution.

[621] Like, where's the solution?

[622] And so you're in a great place to be authentically relatable and also drop in some perspective and solution.

[623] Yeah, because I guess then otherwise it's just really like making a list, like songs that are sad are just like, you know, is everything okay?

[624] Yeah, I think Monica's, yep, it's back on.

[625] Oh, we did it.

[626] Her notifications just blasted us, but we're good, we're good, we're good.

[627] I'm so sorry.

[628] I'm using my assistant's laptop, and she had her notifications on.

[629] I was doing a pitch for a TV show that I'm working on the other day, and the fucking notifications were just going off constantly, and I'm just, like, sitting there getting progressively angrier and anger, and it's my fault.

[630] It's my computer.

[631] It's happening, you know?

[632] Yes, yes.

[633] And everyone was just being so polite about it.

[634] So now I have, I am like, I'm really sympathetic when it happens to other people.

[635] Because I'm like, it's like the computer version of an intrusive thought.

[636] Like, I imagine what it would be like in person is if you were talking to me. And I was just like, yes, I was thinking for the next meeting, fuck.

[637] And somebody at the door, like just doing that the whole time.

[638] So, yeah, so I get it.

[639] Now, one thing I've noticed in, and by the way, you're the first person I've interviewed that my daughters were really pumped about.

[640] They're five and seven.

[641] And all morning we listen to Hallsie.

[642] And now you're talking to me and you're like, you can't listen to her anymore.

[643] Way the opposite.

[644] Their dad's a junkie.

[645] No, no, no, man. Are you kidding?

[646] But I will say what is really cool about music now as opposed to when I was in my 20s is even like the song that I become aware of you from with the chain smoker closer.

[647] Like that one of the first lines for him is like, I drink too much.

[648] and it's a problem, but I'm okay.

[649] Yeah.

[650] Like every song prior to that, like for me, all the 70s and 80s rock is about fucking fight for your right to party.

[651] Let's go.

[652] Surely everyone's doing that.

[653] But just what a revolutionary thing now that in music people are really telling the reality of it too, or at least voicing their concern or they know.

[654] And pop specifically.

[655] Yeah, and pop.

[656] It's such a difference.

[657] Were you aware that that was a pair of?

[658] paradigm shift or that this was new?

[659] Or did it just feel like, I'm obligated to tell my story and this is my story?

[660] Not that song in particular, but just your music also is very honest about having mental health issues and trauma and all this stuff.

[661] I started noticing it when I became sensitive to it.

[662] Because post that relationship, I completely cleansed my life.

[663] And it was like, don't talk about drugs around me. Don't come around me with drugs.

[664] I didn't want to hear songs about drugs.

[665] I'm not listening to any of this, like, you know, romanticized stuff.

[666] that I loved when I was 17 and thought drugs were cool.

[667] Yeah.

[668] So there was a little bit of like a content shift for me. So I started becoming more perceptive about the stuff that was on the radio and realized that through my storytelling, I had a responsibility.

[669] I have been caused a tremendous amount of pain and had witnessed other people who had been in a lot of pain because of this situation.

[670] And I had seen people get arrested and people get hurt.

[671] And I have lost friends.

[672] It's about being in a relationship with an abusive addict.

[673] And then there's Graveyard, which was the lead single off my last album, which literally talks about someone locking me in a car fucked up and trying to drive with me in it.

[674] And me going, oh, I'm going to die.

[675] If I stay in this relationship, it's getting to a point now.

[676] And reflecting and going, there was once a time where I would have followed you to death.

[677] But like not anymore.

[678] There's You Should Be Sad, which was the second lead single off my last album.

[679] And the hook of it is you can't fill the hole inside of you with money, drugs, and cars.

[680] and I'm so glad I never had a baby with you.

[681] Oh, uh -huh.

[682] There's multiple songs in my last album, but I think the most important thing about them is that there's a dichotomy of anger of being like, you know, you have hurt me. And then there's another perspective of sympathy, which is a vital component to telling that story.

[683] It's not just like, I'm selfishly angry with you because your addiction ruined my life.

[684] It's, I am sympathetic to the, knowing that the pain that you've caused me doesn't even compare to the pain that you are causing yourself.

[685] I think some older people, and by the way, I'm getting to that point where I'm getting like the people who hated the Beatles, right?

[686] Rather, I catch myself.

[687] And I think there is some element of older people that listen to the current music and think it sounds a little victimy and not a ton of self -responsibility or ownership of anyone's part in things, but you're doing that.

[688] applaud that, and I think if people listen to the nuance, they'll find that.

[689] I think music is a difficult thing because it goes back to what you were just talking about.

[690] Nobody wants to listen to a song about a girl who, like, goes to Whole Foods and, like, fucking does yoga, and she's good, and she's, like, in therapy.

[691] She was tempted to get the cookies, but instead she got the kale, and she felt great.

[692] Seriously, like, everything's good, and she's going to go home and binge watch Penn 15 now.

[693] Like, you know what I mean?

[694] Like, that's my story.

[695] No, it's like, I think you write when you're in pain because you need to exercise.

[696] all of that stuff.

[697] I know for me personally, writing about stuff gives me this epiphany.

[698] I don't usually even understand what I'm writing about until I'm kind of done writing about it.

[699] And then I look back on the song and go, oh, all right, that was a sore subject.

[700] Yeah.

[701] It all just came out like that.

[702] I'll tell people till I'm blue in the face.

[703] Like, yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.

[704] And then I'll get in the studio and I'll write something and listen back to it and be like, oh, I was harboring a tremendous amount of resentment about that thing.

[705] Uh -huh.

[706] All right, good.

[707] And then you have a choice to make then, though.

[708] Do you want to sing about that resentment for the next 10 years now?

[709] I relate so much.

[710] I write because I'm feeling out of control, and it's this little zone I can control everything in.

[711] And then so often I've written about things that I didn't understand.

[712] Same when my dad died.

[713] I was like, I should feel something and I don't.

[714] I'm going to write about it.

[715] I took three days to write about it.

[716] And when I read it, I was like, A, I connected to all the emotions I was not connecting to.

[717] And then, B, I understood it for the first time.

[718] So I relate to you on that.

[719] Now, this is just a curiosity of mine.

[720] I'm obsessed with Mac Miller.

[721] Yeah.

[722] Did you ever work with Mac Miller?

[723] I never worked with him creatively, but I did know him.

[724] And that was actually a real turning point for me. This is a terrible thing to say, I think, because it puts a positive connotation on a heinously tragic event, but it gave me the courage and the faith to leave the relationship I was in.

[725] I was already mourning the loss of the person that I was with.

[726] And it taught me a really valuable thing.

[727] Just gave me that real fucking reality check that I needed.

[728] And I think it probably did the same for a lot of other people, too.

[729] I feel like I know what you're saying.

[730] like we've lost in our group several people and it's heartbreaking and also I get the most immense gratitude out of that's right that's what I will do like yes I'm so sad and thank you again to remind me that that's where all this ends inevitably yeah yeah absolutely and these are a lot of these people are smarter and more talented and more gifted than I am so if they couldn't navigate it artfully why would I think I could you know I definitely Definitely agree.

[731] That was also one of the things for me, too.

[732] I was lucky enough to be in a position where I was like, okay, cool.

[733] I'm not ruining my life yet.

[734] But I never would have expected some of the people that I know and loved and lost to see them go down that path so aggressively and so rapidly.

[735] You know, so I kind of recognize the spiral early and was like, all right, well, now I know.

[736] So it's like not to live vicariously through someone's.

[737] death, which is like a weird paradoxical statement, but, you know, it kind of gave me that perspective.

[738] That's why I love Max music so much.

[739] We were talking about writing about the bad and writing with responsibility.

[740] I think he was really, really good at that.

[741] Yeah, me too.

[742] He really was letting you in on the, it's not a great struggle.

[743] This is the facts.

[744] I can hear it in every song being an addict, the struggle.

[745] And oh, I found this girl, and this will be my thing.

[746] This is going to cure me with this.

[747] I'm going to latch on to this.

[748] Now, it's this and that just, you know, all these life rafts you hope will break you out of that thing and then they generally don't.

[749] Okay, now I just have a juicy question.

[750] I don't want to talk about your book.

[751] Okay.

[752] So you've sold a million albums, which is incredible in this current age of album sales.

[753] Just in the U .S. alone, you've been streamed six billion times.

[754] I mean, that is just a, I actually didn't know that.

[755] Thank you for being the first to tell me. I'm not kidding.

[756] I'm being completely serious.

[757] I had no idea.

[758] Here's my nosy question.

[759] Can you monetize that?

[760] Like, do you get paid for six billion?

[761] To me, something seems criminal that you would have, let's just say in the 90s of someone sold six billion singles, you know, they'd be rivaling our Amazon dude.

[762] I was going to say, yeah, it would be.

[763] Yeah, I mean, there's definitely a lot of work to be done in music.

[764] And it's a hard conversation to have because on one hand, I do believe that people should be compensated for their intellectual property and for their work and for sharing pieces of their life in such a way.

[765] Because I always joke around, most people, when they make something, they make like a tangible product and then they sell it.

[766] I'm selling organic matter.

[767] I am organic material.

[768] I get sick.

[769] I will die.

[770] I don't want to do stuff sometimes.

[771] And every two years, I manifest whatever's going on in my life into a little fucking disc.

[772] And then they sell it for 1199 at Target.

[773] And if people like it and they buy it, then I'm like, okay, cool, they like me. And if they don't like it and they don't buy it, then I'm like, okay, no one likes me. And that's like a weird thing to experience.

[774] Yeah, you're evaluated every couple years in metric.

[775] Yes.

[776] But to the same token, personally, if I fight this battle, I'm fighting it for up -and -coming artists because I don't wake up and need or want anything.

[777] I never wake up and I'm like, damn it, I should have so much more money.

[778] I actually have been dealing with that retroactively because when I signed my record deal, I'm just going to, we're going to go, we're going to get into it.

[779] My manager just shrugged in the corner.

[780] He was like, yeah, do whatever.

[781] You know what's really cool about what I do is that I'm so open about literally everything that happens to me. And I think the greatest source of relief I have from that is that if my nudes ever leaked, I would be like, there you go.

[782] That was the last thing.

[783] That's it.

[784] You got the whole package now.

[785] Now you've seen it.

[786] You're welcome.

[787] But it's crazy.

[788] Every time I take a naked photograph of myself, I have a moment where I look at it and go, if this ended up on the internet, would I be okay?

[789] And then I go, yeah.

[790] And I send it.

[791] So it's fine.

[792] You got to have an extra layer.

[793] Yeah, yeah.

[794] But when I signed my record deal, I was in New York and I signed to a boutique label.

[795] And, you know, most like pop stars, most of their deals that they started out with are like a couple million dollars.

[796] I signed my deal for $100 ,000.

[797] And that sounds like a lot of money to people listening probably, but in the context of making a record, it's not because I have to pay for songs and production.

[798] I also have to live and travel.

[799] In New York, you got to live.

[800] Yeah, and I need to fly back and forth from L .A. and I need clothes for interviews and a makeup artist and all this shit.

[801] So I end up looking back on the first like two years of my career.

[802] I look like shit.

[803] My hair's a mess.

[804] My makeup is smudged.

[805] I'm like, but The record sounds great, you know, because I'm making concessions, but, you know, some of my peers, some of my contemporaries have signed their first record deals for like three, four, five, six, seven million dollars, you know, I signed for a hundred thousand dollars.

[806] Yeah.

[807] And that's because I think in the beginning, everyone was kind of just like, yeah, sure, she can sing, she's cool, whatever.

[808] Probably also, they're exploiting the fact that you had gotten some popularity on self -publishing on the internet.

[809] So they're thinking, oh, anything we offer this gal is going to be such a huge win for, her.

[810] Also, I'm poor.

[811] Yeah.

[812] I'm super, super poor at the time, like beyond poor, like live out of a duffel bag poor.

[813] Yeah.

[814] Also, I don't mean to criminalize the people who signed me because I actually love them and they are amazing and the reason why I am or I am today at this boutique label that I initially signed to.

[815] But I signed before the streaming era.

[816] So my rates of my, like, royalties were not very great because streaming wasn't really a thing.

[817] Yeah.

[818] So all of a sudden I put this debut record.

[819] And my debut record was this anomaly, because I'm not from the Disney generation.

[820] I'm not from the Nickelodeon generation.

[821] I was this like internet thing that happened.

[822] And there was a lot of them at the time, but none of them were really...

[823] And you went to number two, right?

[824] I'm going to say it for you.

[825] I like to brag for you.

[826] So it went to number two.

[827] Yeah, yeah.

[828] It was great.

[829] I mean, we sold 115 ,000 copies of the album in the first week.

[830] That's big kid numbers.

[831] Yeah.

[832] I mean, that's big kid numbers.

[833] I'm just going to be completely candid.

[834] And that's when everyone was like, oh, shit, okay, which is cool.

[835] But then, you know, my album started streaming.

[836] My debut album is double platinum.

[837] But my royalties and everything, all my rates of consumption for those records are based on a time when streaming wasn't really lucrative.

[838] So, yeah, that's why I wrote a book.

[839] Well, what it forces you to do, I imagine, because of the economics of streaming and whatnot, A, you probably loved a tour, so I'm not even suggesting that.

[840] Certainly, you have to tour.

[841] That's where you're going to make your living.

[842] Oh, yeah.

[843] Yeah, for sure, which is an interesting thing to consider right now in a time when I don't know when touring is going to exist ever again.

[844] How do you manage your feelings on tour?

[845] Tour is amazing and also the worst thing in the world.

[846] It's 22 hours of the worst I've ever felt and two hours of the best I've ever felt by absolute far.

[847] Nothing compares to being on stage, which is great.

[848] Yeah.

[849] And for multiple reasons, for psychological ones and physical ones.

[850] There's, you know, this dopamine, norpenephyran, serotonin, fucking rush of being on stage.

[851] There's a physical element where you're, like, pushing yourself physically for two hours.

[852] So it's like a great workout.

[853] It's why people get addicted to running and shit.

[854] You know what I mean?

[855] It's like that kind of feeling.

[856] And then there's also this amazing sense of you're walking on stage in front of upwards of 25 ,000 people.

[857] And you know that every single person in the room already likes you because they bought a tick.

[858] You don't have to go on stage and feel insecure.

[859] You walk into that room and you go, damn, all these people fucking like me enough to spend money on a fucking ticket.

[860] I just feel great, you know?

[861] And I'm not going to bore you too much because I know everyone's telling the same story, but you get off stage at 11 p .m. You're full of adrenaline.

[862] Everyone else goes to bed because they've been awake all day.

[863] You're up in a different time zone.

[864] No one you know is awake.

[865] You're sitting alone on your phone, scrolling through social media until 3, 4, 5 in the morning.

[866] You finally fall asleep.

[867] You wake up midday the next day because you have to be.

[868] be semi -nocturnal to be awake enough to do a show at 9 p .m. You know, maybe you eat some food.

[869] Maybe you don't.

[870] You do press.

[871] You do the meet and greet.

[872] You meet 100 people.

[873] Every single one of them is crying for a good reason or a bad one.

[874] You have no idea why.

[875] And you love them.

[876] You know, for me at least, I love these people and I love spending time with them.

[877] So I am locked in.

[878] I'm not just like, you know, going through the motions.

[879] So I'm giving advice and hearing people's stories and taking on their traumas and like, you know, I'm like filling up with all this stuff.

[880] And then it's like, okay, now get resting on stage.

[881] You know, and then you do that, and then you release it all, and then it's the same thing over and over again.

[882] You don't see the sun, the tour bus drives underground, you wake up in the dark, you go to sleep in the dark.

[883] It can be really, really tough.

[884] But by the same token, if I didn't do it, I would have probably fucking killed myself by now.

[885] So I love doing it, you know?

[886] Yeah, yeah, no one's complaining.

[887] It's just being honest about the experience of it.

[888] Yeah, for sure, for sure.

[889] I mean, I always think that.

[890] Because I think the weirdest thing about, and I'm sure that you can a billion percent relate to this, I still get those days where I wake up and I kind of look around and I'm like, what the fuck is going on?

[891] Oh, yeah.

[892] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[893] What the fuck is going on?

[894] Like, what are you talking about?

[895] What do you mean, this is what I do and this is my life and people care about what I have to say?

[896] And then the imposter syndrome creeps in.

[897] Oh, yeah.

[898] Just waiting to be exposed.

[899] Yeah, I'm like staring in the mirror looking at myself, like, who are you?

[900] Like, you know, like, also the other thing is I have another name.

[901] So, like, people call me hazy all day long.

[902] And then I'm looking in the mirror, like, you know what you say something over and over again until it sounds weird?

[903] I'm like, looking in the mirror like Ashley.

[904] Ashley, that's not like Ashley, Ashley, saying my name over and over again.

[905] And like laying awake in bed and I desperately trying to.

[906] to retrieve memories from my life before this because this life is so hyper -stimulating that it eats all of your old memories.

[907] And those people are also deserving of my undivided attention.

[908] So it's like people talk about creating boundaries and not like letting those things in, but I don't have a choice because they deserve it.

[909] You know, someone comes in and they're like, let's talk about abuse or let's talk about, you know, depression or let's talk about coming out to my homophobic father or like, you know, and you're like crying and you're holding this kid and you love them more than anything in the world and you don't want to let them go and you don't want to send them back out into the dangerous world.

[910] You want them to just stay with you in the meet and greet where it's safe and you love them.

[911] And then, you know, you get a minute with them because if you do 100 people and they each get a minute to two minutes each, that's almost two to three hours sometimes, you know?

[912] And then you let them go and you're like crying and you're like, I hope they're going to be okay.

[913] And the next kid comes in and they're like, it's my 18th birthday.

[914] They're like, who!

[915] I've thought in the back.

[916] of a jeep to closer.

[917] It wasn't a rover, but fuck, it was almost a rover.

[918] And I can't afford that shit.

[919] Literally, I'm like wiping tears away.

[920] I'm like, fuck yeah.

[921] Let's do a shot.

[922] Never mind.

[923] You said 18, not 21.

[924] Fuck.

[925] Like, you know what I mean?

[926] It's like, you're like, what country am I in?

[927] What's the drinking age here?

[928] It's crazy.

[929] You go home and it's hard to remember what feelings are yours because so many of your feelings are manufactured.

[930] I'll go home and be like, oh, did I have a good day today?

[931] Or was I just in a good mood because I did 10?

[932] interviews where I had to pretend to be in a good mood.

[933] Yeah, how would you know?

[934] You're also so distracted that you don't have to deal with any of the existential crises you're wrestling with mentally because it's so distracting and so consuming that there's relief in that.

[935] And then when it ends, it ends so abruptly that now we're back to like, oh, that's right.

[936] I don't have a will.

[937] I don't have any, you know, like all these dumb things.

[938] You're like, I'm not participating in my real life.

[939] Yeah.

[940] That's the funny thing, too, is because you do this work so you can have fulfillment out of your life and whatever, and it's like, what is the life left?

[941] But also, that's kind of why in the quarantine I, like, have started getting my shit together because the beginning of the process is really hard.

[942] It was like, oh, I have no routine.

[943] My day is not being scheduled for me by someone else.

[944] And I have no incentive to be productive or put on a base.

[945] I have no incentive at all because no one's looking at me. And it's like being home alone when you're a kid where, like, the first week was awesome.

[946] It was like, I'm going to have candy for every meal, mentally speaking.

[947] And then eventually you feel like shit and you're like, I desperately need order.

[948] Yes.

[949] I desperately need control.

[950] And so, you know, figuring out what that means for you and you're not completely indebted to this routine.

[951] And I don't know, it's really, really strange thing.

[952] And it's comforting for me talking to other people who live the same way because I don't have a lot of friends who do any of the same or similar things to me. Yeah, yeah.

[953] It's hard for someone to go.

[954] and big deal.

[955] And you have a nice house.

[956] I've talked about this a million times in here, which is like, yeah, I felt the exact same way I got all the shit, and I was very alarmed to find out it didn't really fix anything.

[957] So then I had to go back to the drawing board, and I would hope everyone would be lucky enough to experience that.

[958] And so I recognize it's a huge privilege, but also, yeah, it just doesn't fix much shit.

[959] Yeah.

[960] Stay tuned for more armchair expert, if you dare.

[961] You wrote a book of poetry called Would Leave me if I could.

[962] Yes.

[963] Anywho, he said, what, fuck it, I'm going to blow it, but it's a very similar line.

[964] I really, that's what got me thinking about Mac Miller.

[965] But anyways, would leave me if I could.

[966] And it's a book of poems.

[967] And you had always written poetry, right, as commensurate with starting to write music.

[968] Yeah, yeah.

[969] And so had you ever considered like, oh, yeah, I might put those out.

[970] Like, for me personally, I thought I was going to be a writer.

[971] I did not think I was going to be an actor.

[972] I was going to try to be Bukowski.

[973] So this other side hustle.

[974] ended up being the thing.

[975] But did you originally fantasized about being a writer?

[976] Yeah, I think so.

[977] Just because, again, like, you know, growing up, not having a lot of real life friends, immersing yourself in books, learning all of your life lessons.

[978] Like, I learned everything through books.

[979] Like, I learned about misogyny through books before I experienced it in the real world.

[980] And I learned about civil disobedience through books before I experienced in the real world.

[981] I learned about sex through books.

[982] Like, I consider myself largely fortunate to be at least remotely sexually empowered and having like a healthy sexual perception of myself because my first experiences were sex were like a book of female written erotica that my mom had in the house where most of my other friends their first experience with sex was like their creepy cousin telling them a story or like porn or trauma you know what I mean like my first consensual experiences with it was through reading a book a book that was about female pleasure and power.

[983] Was it like Mrs. Chatterley's Lovers or something?

[984] No, it was way cooler than that.

[985] It was my mom is like this fucking sick grunge chick.

[986] Like she's fucking awesome.

[987] She's also super young.

[988] I'm 26.

[989] My mom's 48.

[990] Oh my goodness.

[991] You just broke my heart.

[992] So I'm her peer.

[993] So sorry.

[994] I probably saw her at Nirvana shows.

[995] Honestly, you might have.

[996] But that was cool.

[997] Like, she raised me on that kind of music, and she had all these, like, you know, cool fucking erotic books.

[998] She listened to, like, Alanis Morissette and, like, Ani DeFranco, she's like a feminist, like, very cool.

[999] Yeah.

[1000] But I always thought that I would end up a writer because it was where I felt, you know, the most confident in myself.

[1001] Music was kind of an accident.

[1002] My parents, God bless them.

[1003] I loved them, but they were, like, just completely, like, unaware of my existence unless they were yelling at me for being in trouble.

[1004] Sure.

[1005] So, like, I'd come home with writing that I had done and be like, read this.

[1006] And they would, like, you know, pick it up.

[1007] I'd be like, yeah, that's so good.

[1008] They handed it back to me. And I'd be like, he didn't even fucking read it.

[1009] Yeah, yeah.

[1010] So I got so angry about that that I started singing what I was writing because then people had to listen.

[1011] Oh, interesting.

[1012] If someone fast forwards through a song in front of you, that's fucking rude.

[1013] Yeah, yeah.

[1014] Yeah, or they just stare at the CD case and they're like, oh, it's great, man. Sounds great.

[1015] I mean, literally, yeah.

[1016] But, yeah, I wrote the book.

[1017] Part of the book was like there's so much I wanted to write and write.

[1018] wanted to say that I didn't feel comfortable having attached to my face.

[1019] Because when I sing, it's coming out of my mouth and it's attached to me. And it's like, it's through the lens of all these, like, preconceived notions that everybody has of me through my music and, like, the public's inability to, like, separate a character I'm playing and who I fucking am.

[1020] You know what I mean?

[1021] There's a pseudo anonymity to writing.

[1022] Yeah.

[1023] There's a lot of shit in here that I'm fucking terrified about being out in the world.

[1024] Like, I talk about being molested.

[1025] I talk about trauma.

[1026] I talk about abuse.

[1027] I talk about drugs.

[1028] I talk about a lot of stuff.

[1029] A lot of it's like hypersexual.

[1030] And people like then have an opinion of what it's like to fuck me because I talk about what it's like to fuck me. And like, you know, they're going to be like, ah, I would.

[1031] Or like, I probably wouldn't.

[1032] I'm going to pass.

[1033] And now they have like evidence of it, which is crazy.

[1034] Not just like scrolling through my Instagram pictures at 2 in the morning.

[1035] Yeah, I'm kind of terrified a little bit.

[1036] Mostly because I'm afraid of what's going to end up happening, which is like.

[1037] something's going to be taken out of context.

[1038] Sure, sure.

[1039] It's going to be uploaded to, like, entertainment weekly, and it's going to be like, Halsey comes clean about.

[1040] Using sex toys.

[1041] Yeah, or fucking whatever, you know what I mean?

[1042] Like, I'm worried about that.

[1043] That is a bummer, isn't it, about current media?

[1044] It's like, everything gets distilled to a headline or more accurately, like, a tweet.

[1045] Yeah.

[1046] You could spend all this time in real estate on the page, and it has to be reduced to something.

[1047] It's frustrating.

[1048] Yeah.

[1049] Yeah.

[1050] Yeah, but it's okay because it doesn't matter.

[1051] It's for the people, like, who are meant to find it.

[1052] There's, like, a certain group of people who are going to go out and seek a poetry book by me. And if they read it and they love it, then it's for them.

[1053] And the people who it's not meant for aren't going to seek it.

[1054] That's the healthiest perspective, I think, one could have.

[1055] It's incredibly personal, and it's, like, stuff I could probably never get away with singing because it's, like, either too depressing or too boring.

[1056] But, you know, I've tried to have that person because I've been sitting on it for a while.

[1057] That's the other thing.

[1058] So I've had time to live with it.

[1059] So I've been like, oh, okay, cool.

[1060] Like, what is it going to be for me when the world has this?

[1061] I'm making this sound so dramatic.

[1062] Like, I'm about to put it.

[1063] It's like, it's a fucking, it's a poetry book of stuff.

[1064] Like, it's, I'm not putting out a fucking.

[1065] The Magna Carta.

[1066] Yeah, I'm like, I didn't write the beach.

[1067] Like, everything's going to be fine.

[1068] It's vulnerable.

[1069] It is vulnerable.

[1070] Yeah, it is for me. And that's the other thing, too, is just like, I write all my own music.

[1071] And because of the perspective people have of pop stars and of, like, successful female musicians, I think a lot of people think it's bullshit that I write my own music.

[1072] music.

[1073] Oh, really?

[1074] Yeah, and I made all my albums, like, in my backyard and, like, a home studio that I built.

[1075] So, like, this was also kind of for me to have some agency and put out a collection of stuff that I've written myself just for my fans so that they know in their heart, but the narrator, the protagonist they're subscribing to, is a authentic one.

[1076] You know, because this helps them better build the profile of the person they're listening to sing.

[1077] Yeah, it's like a companion piece.

[1078] Yeah, like a director's cut, Halsey.

[1079] POV.

[1080] Yeah.

[1081] I'm doing super, super limited press and promotion about it because that's the other thing is, like, I don't want it to become this thing where everyone's like, Halsey's a 26 -year -old female published author.

[1082] Like, what can't she do?

[1083] Oh, my God.

[1084] I'm like, it's not that deep.

[1085] I just, I wrote some fucking poems, you know what I mean?

[1086] Oh, my God.

[1087] Multi -hyphenate.

[1088] Yeah, like I wrote some poems.

[1089] I'm putting them out.

[1090] I write literally every.

[1091] Every day, this is not that big of a deal to me. It is because it's scary, but it's also, like, again, like we said, I don't think I'm Bukowski.

[1092] You know, it's funny.

[1093] Bukowski was a point of reference for me as I was writing, though, because a lot of it, like I said, is very sexually autonomous.

[1094] It's very self -deprecating.

[1095] It's very sarcastic at times.

[1096] And, like, I really wanted to see that from a female perspective.

[1097] And one of the things we just talked about is really important in the book, which is I am constantly taking responsibility.

[1098] Right.

[1099] Most of the book is like, I fucked up.

[1100] Yeah, yeah.

[1101] You know, so like that's important.

[1102] Have you ever read Fear of Flying?

[1103] Yes, I have.

[1104] Yeah.

[1105] Are you obsessed with the zipless fuck like I am?

[1106] The zipless fuck?

[1107] Do you remember the zipless fuck?

[1108] That was the phrase she coined.

[1109] She'd have these fantasies about being on the train, and she would just fuck a stranger, was her kind of fantasy.

[1110] Okay, it's funny you say that because I was actually trying to figure out where, do you ever write something and don't remember where you're borrowing it from?

[1111] Oh, I saw the opening of this movie.

[1112] Hooper hadn't seen it in 20 years.

[1113] I directed and wrote a movie.

[1114] I'm watching Hooper just happened to me on TV.

[1115] I go, oh my God, I have almost shot for shot the beginning of Hooper and sincerely had no fucking clue.

[1116] But there's no way that could be a coincidence.

[1117] I've actually had to start like going through some of my stuff and being like, okay, like, can you think of anything that this might have been?

[1118] Right, right.

[1119] Some of mine own this.

[1120] At one time, in high school, like, accidentally verbatim plagiarized like a whole paragraph from not the Liars Club, but it was a merry car.

[1121] It was probably cherry or something like that.

[1122] And my teacher didn't fucking know.

[1123] And then when she gave it back to me, I think it was like probably the years later, I dug it up and was reading it and was like, what the fuck is wrong with you, you little piece of shit?

[1124] That's not yours.

[1125] The best part would be for you to get a bad grade on that plagiarism and then feel like, well, fuck, Now I want to prove to her she's actually a terrible judge of this stuff because this is a very popular book.

[1126] It's almost like having to call the cops and someone you just bought drugs from.

[1127] Like they kind of got you over a barrel.

[1128] Holy shit.

[1129] I've never thought of.

[1130] I've actually never calling the cop.

[1131] That's my new favorite metaphor.

[1132] You know what it is?

[1133] It's like I've had girls with boyfriends whose boyfriends would tell me that my boyfriend cheated on me with their girlfriend.

[1134] And I'd be like, thank you, but take that home with you.

[1135] and figure that out from your side.

[1136] Right.

[1137] You know what I mean?

[1138] Yes.

[1139] I'll just as a public announcement right now, you ever see Kristen fucking someone?

[1140] That's fine.

[1141] You guys enjoy that.

[1142] I don't ever need to know that.

[1143] I have no interest.

[1144] Doesn't interest me. Also, if I ever stumble into a situation where I see Kristen fucking someone, I'm in the wrong place.

[1145] Well, hold on.

[1146] It could be doing it in public.

[1147] It could be a whole exhibition thing.

[1148] Could not be your fault.

[1149] That's true.

[1150] Could be at Whole Foods in a shopping cart.

[1151] Sounds like she wanted.

[1152] to be found.

[1153] Can I pitch you a really quick idea?

[1154] I would love that.

[1155] Monica and I are obsessed with getting a T -Rex skeleton.

[1156] Mm -hmm.

[1157] Cool.

[1158] And that's not enough for us.

[1159] And what we want to do is rent out the rib cage and the mouth as an area to fuck in to offset the enormous cost of one of these skeletons because they're like $30 million.

[1160] Yeah.

[1161] How would you support the fucking?

[1162] We'll handle that.

[1163] Oh, there's going to be some kind of mattress in the mouth.

[1164] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[1165] In the rib cage, there'll be a mattress.

[1166] Got it.

[1167] We'll build a fake T -Rex tongue that is a mattress that you'll lay on the tongue.

[1168] But just imagine being in the jaws of a T -Rex.

[1169] Mid -coitus.

[1170] It's got to be exhilarating.

[1171] And my question, of course, is, do you think you would rent out the T -Rex?

[1172] I thought you were going to ask me if I would invest in which the answer is.

[1173] You have a liaison there if we get it up and running.

[1174] Yeah, I absolutely would.

[1175] For the grand opening.

[1176] We can make it public.

[1177] Lexopro and the T -Rex fucking.

[1178] Yeah, I mean, Lexapro took me to a place in my life where I feel comfortable with T -Rex fucking.

[1179] Parking in the jaws of a dinosaur.

[1180] Can I raise you a question?

[1181] Yeah.

[1182] If it's a success and you need to open more locations, would you consider belly of a whale?

[1183] Oh, yeah.

[1184] Oh, yeah.

[1185] Absolutely, absolutely, yeah.

[1186] One of my great obsessions is as a kid seeing a blue whale model at the Chicago Science Center.

[1187] and just I want to live inside of a carcass.

[1188] I thought you were going to say that you're one of your earliest memories was looking at a blue whale as a child and thinking I would fuck in there.

[1189] No, no, no. I was like, okay.

[1190] You're not far off.

[1191] No, yeah, a couple years later.

[1192] Listen, I did not have this idea, but it just crossed my mind and zero pressure.

[1193] If I were you, I would say, no, I don't want to.

[1194] But would you want to read one of the poems to us?

[1195] Sure.

[1196] I mean, if you guys are going to be nice to me, Oh, my gosh.

[1197] Maybe I'll find a short one.

[1198] Oh, you know what I'll do?

[1199] I'll give you a cute one.

[1200] This one's cute.

[1201] It was a cute one.

[1202] Yeah.

[1203] We like cute.

[1204] So it's called eight.

[1205] The number eight.

[1206] The number eight.

[1207] Great.

[1208] First of all, before we start, one of my favorite numbers, very stable.

[1209] It's even.

[1210] It's two fours.

[1211] Continue.

[1212] Okay, this one's called eight.

[1213] There was a mailman I loved as a little girl.

[1214] He would stop at the commuter mailbox on the street in the center of the apartment complex and begin sorting mail away into 150 different little boxes.

[1215] We lived in 1202.

[1216] I would rush from my house to greet the mailman, and he would talk to me as he worked, filing away bills and cards and coupons, and he would ask me questions.

[1217] Quiz me, and give me a piece of bazooka gum for every question I got right.

[1218] I would spin around and crush my sneakers, rocking up and down on my toes.

[1219] I would curl one piece of hair around my finger while I thought of the answers.

[1220] I would slide my tongue between my teeth and the windows where they were missing.

[1221] And between every mailbox, the mailman would look at me and smile.

[1222] He'd pat me on the cheek and tell me that I was as smart as he was, as smart as any man. And I believed him, because why wouldn't I?

[1223] I was eight.

[1224] I knew that George Bush would win the election.

[1225] I knew the Pythagorean theorem, and I had read 300 books from the public library.

[1226] Plus, I could draw every animal by memory.

[1227] and I liked him because he gave me chewing gum, and he talked to me in his low voice, calm and soft, not the shrill, high -pitched voice that they would use on my baby brother.

[1228] One day the mailman didn't show up for work.

[1229] I ran out and stopped in my tracks, and there was a different man there.

[1230] I asked if my friend was sick.

[1231] The imposter ignored me. The new mailman showed up a few days in a row.

[1232] The kids in the neighborhood said that the old one had a heart attack in a bowl of spaghetti, and he died with noodles up his nose.

[1233] nose.

[1234] I cried.

[1235] One Wednesday I ran out to the new mailman and asked him if he had any gum, and he told me to stay away from him because he didn't want to get in trouble, like Charlie.

[1236] I didn't know my friend's name was Charlie, and I didn't know how I could have gotten him in trouble, so I asked my mom how you could give someone a heart attack.

[1237] And she rubbed her head and stretched your feet across the couch and said, it feels like you're going to give me one right now.

[1238] And I didn't want my mom to die, too.

[1239] So I hid in my room, and I cried.

[1240] because I was eight and a murderer.

[1241] Oh, that was great.

[1242] That's awesome.

[1243] That's got some stank on it.

[1244] Thank you.

[1245] I like that.

[1246] Thanks for sharing that.

[1247] Yeah, big time.

[1248] Thanks, of course, guys.

[1249] Can I tell you the cutest part is you are describing how you would put your finger in your hair and twirl it.

[1250] And as you were reading it, you were nervously touching an area that no longer has hair.

[1251] That I have no hair.

[1252] But you would have probably been twirling at that moment.

[1253] Did you catch that moment?

[1254] I didn't.

[1255] I did not.

[1256] I don't know if you remember when Bieber cut his hair for the first time.

[1257] He would go like this in public.

[1258] I'd shake his head.

[1259] There was no hair.

[1260] But there was no swoop.

[1261] But he was, like, so used to fixing his swoop.

[1262] And so now that I have a bald head, I catch myself tucking nothing behind my ear.

[1263] Sure, sure.

[1264] It's like a phantom limb.

[1265] Yeah, I'm like trying to flirt with someone at like a counter, but I just look like I have a tick because I'm like.

[1266] And they're like, are you good?

[1267] Like, is everything okay?

[1268] Wow, you guys are the first people I've ever read anything, too, that isn't, like, directly, like, work for me or a friend or something.

[1269] Oh, you feel honored.

[1270] Yeah, I feel very flattered.

[1271] And I genuinely loved it.

[1272] Me too.

[1273] I also got Bukowski vibes because he was a mailman.

[1274] And so was Bukowski.

[1275] Yeah, yeah.

[1276] That's great.

[1277] We worked in the Postal Service.

[1278] Well, Halsey, this has been an absolute pleasure and a delight and a blast.

[1279] And I thank you so much.

[1280] And I hope I cross past with you in this glorious city of ours.

[1281] I hope so, too.

[1282] I wish we could do it again, so I might have to write another book just so I can get back on this podcast.

[1283] Yeah, or I'll probably bump into your mom at like an AARP event or something, we'll bond.

[1284] Look, if you have any single friends or, you know, your age, let me know.

[1285] Okay, great, great.

[1286] I'll pass them along.

[1287] Monaco will have first whack at him, but you'll definitely be on deck for that.

[1288] That's true.

[1289] So much fun.

[1290] What a pleasure.

[1291] I hope we do it again soon.

[1292] Me too.

[1293] All right.

[1294] Bye.

[1295] Bye.

[1296] And now my favorite part of the show, the fact check with my soulmate Monica Padman.

[1297] Can I ask you a question?

[1298] Now, when you go to Apple Music, you're with me so far?

[1299] Yep.

[1300] Do you ever do the essentials, like do the playlist option where you search for an artist and then you do, it'll say like essentials?

[1301] My case in point is for me, Leon Bridge's essentials.

[1302] Okay.

[1303] What a playlist.

[1304] I can't stop listening to it.

[1305] Playlists that they've made.

[1306] Yeah, and they label it essentials.

[1307] And did you look up Halsey?

[1308] Essentials?

[1309] I should.

[1310] Yeah, you should.

[1311] You should.

[1312] Yeah, it was weird to bring up Leon Bridges.

[1313] It just crossed my mind that I've been playing it a lot lately, and I thought you'd enjoy it.

[1314] I love Leon Bridges.

[1315] Me too.

[1316] And I love Halsey, too.

[1317] And I really like her as a person now.

[1318] I just liked her as a musician, but now I really am a fan.

[1319] I know.

[1320] I know.

[1321] She was very thoughtful.

[1322] Wise beyond her years.

[1323] Yeah.

[1324] You were way older than her.

[1325] Not way.

[1326] Oh, my God.

[1327] Yeah.

[1328] You could have held her like a little baby.

[1329] Oh, well, you were her grandpa.

[1330] That's right.

[1331] I'm the age of her parents we discovered.

[1332] You're her grandpa.

[1333] Oh, I'm the age of her grandpa.

[1334] Yeah.

[1335] How old is she?

[1336] 13.

[1337] No. She's like probably 26.

[1338] I knew.

[1339] 20, 27 or 8.

[1340] Let me look.

[1341] I'm looking.

[1342] Okay.

[1343] She's 26.

[1344] 26.

[1345] Yeah, girl.

[1346] So you are seven years older than her.

[1347] You could have babysat her.

[1348] Could a babysat her?

[1349] Yeah, I could have.

[1350] Yeah, when you were 10 and she was tree.

[1351] Oh.

[1352] Or would you be more comfortable, 12 and 5?

[1353] Yeah, maybe like 13 and 6.

[1354] 13 and 6.

[1355] Okay.

[1356] Maybe actually 14 and 7.

[1357] Okay, 14 and 7.

[1358] That would have worked.

[1359] I didn't trust myself at those young ages.

[1360] No one trusted me. I was doing quite a bit of baby sitting at 7.

[1361] Yeah.

[1362] Yeah, six and a half.

[1363] Carly was born.

[1364] Well, I guess if we're going to count that, I was baby.

[1365] be sitting at eight eight yeah would your parents leave you guys i don't remember i don't think so okay so it sounds more like you just hung out with your brother barely okay um did you like him when he was a baby yeah he was so cute oh i bet i don't remember if i liked him like i can't go back in time i have no idea where my head space was at uh -huh but thinking about cookies probably probably but he was such a cute baby could you get me a picture of him i would love to see you he's as cute as that baby in the little white dress way cuter he was he was really really wake you i don't find that hard to believe i showed erin the picture of you in a little white dress and he said boy if i had a little girl like that at home no pit stops straight home from work yeah no pit stops no you don't stop at the bar you don't even stop for gas you get home and you see that little baby you know what he should maybe do is photoshop one of his new hats he created onto a picture of himself as a baby that would really sell i'm telling you it's a good idea that we just came up with sharing credit you had nothing to do with it but i'm giving you full credit thanks look that looks like delta he looks a lot like delta yeah and with her pizza slice sticking out we used to when delta was about two we'd say show us your pizza slice and she'd stick her tongue out and it was a perfect triangle oh my god your pizza slice she was not even one here No No she was Yeah No Yeah October 2015 Yeah she was born in 13 Oh I thought No I thought Lincoln was 13 I'm sorry she was born in 14 Exactly Yeah so So she was December of 14 And this is October of 15 Right so she's about to turn two She turned No you're right No Yeah you're absolutely right This is not fast math for you.

[1366] No, I'm all fucked up.

[1367] Well, this is why they don't let surgeons operate on their family members.

[1368] They lose all objectivity.

[1369] You can tell by the amount of rubber bands on her arm that she's not even one.

[1370] Anyway, Memory Lane.

[1371] Oh, Mary Lane.

[1372] Well, a stroll -down Memory Lane.

[1373] Hold on.

[1374] You got your new faucets.

[1375] Oh, shit.

[1376] Yes, I did.

[1377] Yeah.

[1378] Are you so excited to install them?

[1379] Oh, my God.

[1380] Yeah, they're sitting.

[1381] outside your house my yes well everything you own is on my port currently your treadmill i bought you for your birthday two months ago uh everything it is but it looks so sleek and beautiful yeah and you use mine with the shield spray technology and you got to admit right no spatter it's awesome i cannot wait to put that in and the thing you're going to love the most about it is the touch too oh because you can walk up with your hands completely full and and tell the the the faucet to start running with voice IQ or you can just tap it with your elbow turn it on and then you don't have to set down the plates with messy hands and turn it on and get the faucet messy and then have to wipe down the faucet.

[1382] It's such a pain in the neck.

[1383] This is this is going to save the cooking with chicken situation.

[1384] Absolutely.

[1385] That's hate.

[1386] That's my most hated part.

[1387] Well, mine's more steak.

[1388] I start dry rubbing the steak and I get God knows what ecoli all over my fingers and I don't want to spread it.

[1389] So instead, a pop, boom, boom, just simple touch anywhere on the spout.

[1390] It turns on generally my elbow.

[1391] I do it.

[1392] And then it's at a preset temperature I like.

[1393] And then I just wash those hands, no problem.

[1394] I know.

[1395] It's glorious.

[1396] I'm so excited.

[1397] Halsey.

[1398] Halsey.

[1399] Ashley.

[1400] Remember?

[1401] Ashley.

[1402] Her name is Ashley.

[1403] One thing you forgot to ask is.

[1404] Oh, this is the note session.

[1405] Why her name is.

[1406] Why she picked Halsey?

[1407] I know why she picked Halsey because the boyfriend she had that was too old for her.

[1408] She would take the Halsey station to his house, and that's where she started writing music.

[1409] For real?

[1410] Yeah.

[1411] I didn't know.

[1412] Brand new info.

[1413] Well, I just told you.

[1414] How'd you know just in your research?

[1415] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1416] Oh.

[1417] And I've held on to it.

[1418] She took the Halsey train.

[1419] Her station was Halsey that she got off of.

[1420] And I think he lived on Halsey Street as well.

[1421] But I know there was a station, and I think there was a street.

[1422] And that's where she took her inspiration.

[1423] This is interesting.

[1424] This is inspirational.

[1425] No, I just, if your name that everyone knows you as is associated with something in your past that maybe is not healthy, I wonder, I wonder if that's a good thing.

[1426] Well, like I've had, let's say, some lovers I'd rather never be with again, but I don't hold the name of their street against them.

[1427] Like, if they had lived on a street that had a cool name that I'd have a cool name that.

[1428] I'd still like it.

[1429] I think her situation was different than yours.

[1430] I think it sounded like hers was extreme and a bit dangerous slash not healthy.

[1431] Okay.

[1432] Well, it's still a really cool name.

[1433] It is.

[1434] It is.

[1435] So then you're in this pickle.

[1436] I like that she compartmentalized the name.

[1437] I hope she did.

[1438] Yeah.

[1439] Doesn't remind her when she, every time someone says her name.

[1440] I hope it doesn't trigger.

[1441] Derek.

[1442] I don't know the person's.

[1443] I don't know his name.

[1444] We don't want to know his name.

[1445] Okay.

[1446] The male will know name.

[1447] Voldemort.

[1448] Oh, Hamlet.

[1449] Aren't you not supposed to say Hamlet out loud?

[1450] I think in a theater.

[1451] Oh, this is a theater of sorts.

[1452] This is our theater.

[1453] Do you like that they call in war like the Pacific Theater?

[1454] They refer to the battles in the Pacific during World War II against Japan.

[1455] They call that the Pacific Theater.

[1456] Do they call it the theater or the theater?

[1457] Well, they say, however, you say it the word theater.

[1458] Well, I do.

[1459] didn't know because I thought maybe that's why you then mispronounce it because they're actually saying a different word.

[1460] No, no, no, no, no. Okay, so they're saying the Pacific Theater.

[1461] Yeah, however you said.

[1462] I've never heard that.

[1463] Yeah, I think it's cool.

[1464] I mean, I don't know why, but I do.

[1465] That's kind of cool, yeah.

[1466] It's a production, that's for sure.

[1467] War?

[1468] Yeah, it's a big production.

[1469] It's the biggest.

[1470] Logistical nightmare.

[1471] Remember the War Game of Thrones?

[1472] I do.

[1473] That was about the biggest production on television.

[1474] I think it was.

[1475] And people under us.

[1476] to me how much of the success of war is logistics.

[1477] That's what, uh, Genghis Khan, that was his, his big genius was getting supplies to where they needed to be.

[1478] I'm listening to the Genghis Khan book and the author pronounce it, Jenghis Khan.

[1479] And I, I don't want that to be true.

[1480] But it might be, but that might be how you say his name, Jenghis Khan.

[1481] This is like Rihanna, Rihanna.

[1482] Yeah, who says Rihanna?

[1483] Rihanna says it Rihanna.

[1484] So her name is Rihanna.

[1485] Hmm.

[1486] Okay, I'll adjust.

[1487] But people have, you know, people are stuck in their ways.

[1488] Yeah, I like Rihanna better than Rihanna.

[1489] Well, you're just used to it.

[1490] I sure am.

[1491] Speaking of musicians.

[1492] Oh.

[1493] Mac Miller.

[1494] Ding, ding, dang.

[1495] Yeah.

[1496] You talked about a lyric from the Free Nationals album.

[1497] That Halsey's book of poems title reminded you of, but then you couldn't remember and you didn't quote it.

[1498] But it kind of seemed like you wanted to talk about it.

[1499] Yeah, let me see if I can think about it now.

[1500] It's something like if you can put up with me, you can definitely be by yourself or something crazy like that.

[1501] Oh.

[1502] Did you find it?

[1503] No. I thought maybe you knew it.

[1504] Oh, I'll find it right now.

[1505] It won't be hard.

[1506] Okay.

[1507] What I'm going to do, let me walk you through this.

[1508] First, I'm going to close this YouTube video.

[1509] Then I'm going to go to Apple Music.

[1510] Then I'm going to go to my library.

[1511] I'm going to go scroll down to free nationals.

[1512] Only full albums I'll listen to you All the way Essentials Not essentials It's its own album Okay Okay now we go down To the Mac Miller's song Which is You can make it with me I get out of control When I'm alone If you can make it with me You can make it on your own So You can make it with me You can make it on your own Woof Yeah He's so good Oh, so sad.

[1513] Okay, so that song, if anyone is interested in listening to it, it's called Time, and it's on the Free Nationals album.

[1514] And it's so good.

[1515] Yeah, if you can make it with me, then you can make it on your own.

[1516] That's kind of similar to that title, isn't it?

[1517] I'd leave me if I could.

[1518] Yeah, guys, no. I know.

[1519] But that's what people feel.

[1520] I know, I know, but I don't want her to feel like that.

[1521] I know I don't want anyone to feel like that, but I also want people to tell their truth and their artists.

[1522] Yeah, feel all the feels.

[1523] Oh, boy.

[1524] Should we play our favorite Mac Miller's song?

[1525] Yes.

[1526] Yeah.

[1527] Let's do it.

[1528] We're going to get in trouble probably, but that's all right.

[1529] It's worth getting sued over.

[1530] Mm -hmm.

[1531] I think.

[1532] I'm sure you do, too.

[1533] You like getting sued, right?

[1534] I love it.

[1535] I haven't sued yet.

[1536] They say that's when you've arrived in Hollywood.

[1537] Okay, I'd rather not.

[1538] You'd rather not arrive.

[1539] No. Have we already talked about the impossibility of the song?

[1540] I don't know if we have.

[1541] So your favorite word is soulmate.

[1542] Yeah, it's an important word to me. It's an important word to you.

[1543] Your very favorite movie is...

[1544] Goodwill hunting.

[1545] Goodwill hunting.

[1546] This fucking song is called Soulmate, and it samples Goodwill Hunting.

[1547] It's...

[1548] It's the simulation.

[1549] It can't...

[1550] This song can't exist.

[1551] That's...

[1552] Robin Williams.

[1553] That's...

[1554] You have a soulmate.

[1555] You have a soulmate?

[1556] Somebody who challenges you.

[1557] Oh.

[1558] I'm getting goosebumps, are you?

[1559] I love it.

[1560] You can't get back to a little.

[1561] Soul mate.

[1562] I'll never have that kind of relationship in a world right.

[1563] You're always a friend to take the first step, because all you see is every negative thing 10 miles down the road.

[1564] You can do anything you want.

[1565] You are bound by.

[1566] Wow.

[1567] Check it out, guys.

[1568] And it's really tragic.

[1569] It's very, very sad that he died, you know.

[1570] Well, this is, well, this is a tricky statement to say.

[1571] I would probably not have discovered him had he not died.

[1572] Because he died until Iqlis made a little kind of homage to him on his Instagram, which then made me curious about him.

[1573] And then that's how I found him.

[1574] Found him, yeah.

[1575] And then I just went down the biggest Macmillar rabbit hole.

[1576] He's unbelievable.

[1577] Well, guess what?

[1578] That's the only fact I have.

[1579] I hate to say it that these are from Laura.

[1580] So, oopsie.

[1581] I did on purpose.

[1582] Welcome.

[1583] Because it was just right.

[1584] I just wanted to.

[1585] Can you do it at will?

[1586] No, I can't.

[1587] Oh, okay.

[1588] Some people can.

[1589] Can you?

[1590] No, no, no. But yeah, some people can just burp indefinitely.

[1591] You can't.

[1592] I can't.

[1593] Isn't that shocking?

[1594] That is shocking.

[1595] You think a gross boy like me would know how to do that.

[1596] I would expect you to know how to burp on command.

[1597] Yeah.

[1598] I know many people who can do it.

[1599] I knew kids in junior high that they would swole.

[1600] swallow a ton of air and then produce farts.

[1601] What?

[1602] That's true.

[1603] Not immediately.

[1604] It was always delayed by a while, but they fill their stomach up with air so that they could have tons of farts that night.

[1605] That night when they were by us?

[1606] No, and like a sleepover.

[1607] Oh, oh, oh, oh.

[1608] Because boys light their farts on fire.

[1609] Is that something girls do at sleepovers?

[1610] I've never seen it.

[1611] You haven't?

[1612] No. Would you like me to do it for you?

[1613] Actually, I probably have seen a guy do it, but I don't.

[1614] I've never seen a girl do that, partake.

[1615] Well, I've got to say, obviously, the less light there is in the room, the more spectacular the event is.

[1616] And what you see, which is I always enjoy, is you get that initial pop of flame, but if you keep looking, all of a sudden, it just traces the butt crack.

[1617] And you realize how much of the air is traveling perfectly in the butt crack because you get a perfect line of the butt crack of a blue methane flame.

[1618] It's beautiful.

[1619] It's called something.

[1620] It's called something.

[1621] Fart blasting?

[1622] No, it's called like blue.

[1623] Blue velvet?

[1624] Let me look it up.

[1625] Fact.

[1626] It's going to be a blue.

[1627] A fart on fire.

[1628] Christmas when I'm Lavova.

[1629] Fart lighting, also known as pyroflatulance flat.

[1630] This can't be real.

[1631] Pyrroflatulence?

[1632] Fart lighting also known as pyroflatulence flat.

[1633] status ignition or fire breathing dragon is the practice of igniting the gases produced by human flatulence, often producing a flame of a blue hue, hence the act being known colloquially as a blue angel, blue dart, or in Australia and Lake Tidicaca, a blue flame.

[1634] How about a blue Christmas?

[1635] Is that on the list?

[1636] That's not so far on the list, but we could add it to a The word flatulence is so embarrassing as a word.

[1637] It's worse than the word fart by a long shot.

[1638] It's weird that when the medical version is dirtier than the...

[1639] Yeah.

[1640] Same with halitosis.

[1641] Ew.

[1642] I know.

[1643] Because it's almost got the word halibet in it.

[1644] No, it's almost an automotopia.

[1645] Yeah, halibotosis.

[1646] Ew.

[1647] There used to be a popular commercial when I was in junior high and it was like, do you suffer from chronic halitosis?

[1648] and I feel bad for the people who got cast in those commercials because you know really what's that obviously yeah because you know the casting director and the director were like yep he looks like he's got bad breath he's perfect or she looks like she they're casting appropriately yeah oh my god maybe hopefully they said does anyone here really have halitosis and then someone said yeah me and then no that's worse no at least they're well at least they're only see because at least if you've You get famous for being in a halitosis commercial and then people meet you, they would be like, oh my God, your breath is lovely.

[1649] Like, it would be so nice.

[1650] Whereas if you had real chronic halitosis.

[1651] Halibat toast.

[1652] Halibat toast.

[1653] Helbit toast is.

[1654] If you had halibut toast and then you were also the face of halibut toast, everywhere you went in the airport, people like, oh, stay away from that person.

[1655] And then they'd be right to.

[1656] But, okay, what's the commercial for?

[1657] Is it to camera act?

[1658] then even if they didn't have halibit toast, they would, it would seem like they just took that cure and they used to have halibut toast.

[1659] This is the, this is like a pitfall of acting.

[1660] But you notice that there's, there's a look for a guy with diarrhea in commercials.

[1661] Because I've seen a million diarrhea or anti -diaria commercials.

[1662] It's generally a guy in like a canoe.

[1663] Oh.

[1664] And he's a little overweight and he has a tucked in shirt and it's a little messy.

[1665] And it's a shirt's messy.

[1666] Yeah, like it's a little, like, untucked in areas.

[1667] Oh, it's a little baggy.

[1668] French tuck.

[1669] What they're really trying to imbute on you is that his abdomen's a mess in all ways.

[1670] And he needs an anti -diorea medicine like Peptobismo, Pepsid A -C.

[1671] What else we got?

[1672] I don't know if Pepsid A -C is anti -diereal.

[1673] I think it's mainly.

[1674] Anti -dioreal.

[1675] That's what it's called.

[1676] Oh, my God, it's an antiviral diarrhea.

[1677] I think it's a pepto is going to be the main.

[1678] First stop.

[1679] Oh, or an emodium.

[1680] Oh, an emodium AD.

[1681] Yeah.

[1682] So there's Pepsid AC and Emodium AD.

[1683] Those letters must not mean anything.

[1684] Pepsid AC is an antacid, I believe.

[1685] Okay.

[1686] In the same category as a Toms or a Milanta.

[1687] Yeah, we're really out on a legal limb here as far as getting sued because if someone has very bad diarrhea and they go get Pepsid A .C. Don't.

[1688] Do not.

[1689] And then they poop their pants in a job interview.

[1690] They come after us for lost wages.

[1691] They've got a case.

[1692] They're coming after.

[1693] you because I'm saying what, yeah, pepto, bismol, and emodium, those are going to be the routes you want to go for anti -dioreal.

[1694] Yeah.

[1695] Now, I did a science project, a chemistry project, in 10th grade, where I investigated what was the best anti -acid.

[1696] Oh, how did you, you used an actual acid in a test tube or a beacon?

[1697] I forget the details.

[1698] Okay.

[1699] I just remember that the winner at the time.

[1700] Oh, be careful here.

[1701] At the time was my Lanta.

[1702] Okay.

[1703] We won't say who the other competitors were.

[1704] Pepcities.

[1705] Oh, no, stop, stop, stop, stop.

[1706] Okay, okay.

[1707] This is probably a published work.

[1708] It was a big deal at the science fair.

[1709] Oh, yeah.

[1710] You think your little study was peer -reviewed and published?

[1711] Trying to make me feel small.

[1712] You know what I got to say about you?

[1713] Can I give you a compliment?

[1714] Sure, please.

[1715] You never have hell of it toast.

[1716] Oh, my God.

[1717] Thank you for saying.

[1718] either do you.

[1719] Thank you.

[1720] Thank you.

[1721] I've never, ever smelled talibat toast on you.

[1722] And again, I'm really sympathetic to whoever's got a medical condition.

[1723] I know.

[1724] Some of it, though, is like, fuck you.

[1725] You're not brushing your tongue or your diet's a mess.

[1726] But then I'm sure some people are just genetically.

[1727] Okay.

[1728] But also when I went to my really awesome new dentist that I love.

[1729] Yes.

[1730] That I might get veneers from.

[1731] Uh -huh.

[1732] She was showing me or, you know, teaching me new techniques for brushing because there are always a and okay what hit us with some tips you should always floss duh but also you need to brush your gums not like where what you think you're doing where you think you're just like brushing where the gum hits the tooth like even below that yeah exactly even below that or above that you need to exfoliate the gums oh my gosh i didn't i'm not doing that exactly so like in circles on the gum itself.

[1733] Oh, can I just get a chemical peel on them?

[1734] Like an acid peel?

[1735] Also, she was saying, important to do that most people don't.

[1736] They focus on their tongue, which, as we all know, you just use that example.

[1737] Yeah, I brushed the fuck out of my time until I puke.

[1738] But you should also brush your top, your palate.

[1739] Ew, that's so uncomfortable.

[1740] It's uncomfortable.

[1741] I've done it.

[1742] I've been doing it every day since.

[1743] You have?

[1744] Yes.

[1745] Oh, it's like getting, um, What do I want to say?

[1746] It's like having some aluminum foil pressed under a tooth filling.

[1747] It like doesn't feel natural.

[1748] It feels like you're touching the backside of my navel or something.

[1749] It kind of feels like a COVID test feels.

[1750] Not in the same way, but just like, oh, something shouldn't be up this high or something.

[1751] But once you know that you're supposed to do it and then you do it, you feel really healthy and good teeth brushing or whole hygiene.

[1752] Have you seen any difference?

[1753] No. It's mainly for how a bit.

[1754] toast.

[1755] Oh, okay.

[1756] And I guess I didn't have it, thank God.

[1757] But just in case I might get it or just have, just eat something and then I eat bad breath.

[1758] I'm going to give you a two bad options.

[1759] I want you to pick the lesser of two.

[1760] You're at a movie theater.

[1761] You can't move seats.

[1762] And your seat mate either has.

[1763] Oh, my God.

[1764] I hate this question.

[1765] observable bad breath or observable farts I would pick farts I think I would pick farts too yeah oh I feel bad well I don't feel too bad because it doesn't seem like people know when they have halibat toast I think they do how could you not well because quite often when I'm interacting with someone with severe halibat toast they're talking the closest to my nose of anybody like your breast smells grow great.

[1766] You're never getting up on my nose like it's a microphone.

[1767] And Kristen, too, she's got great breath.

[1768] Never up in my business.

[1769] But, you know, occasionally there's a coworker who, you know, their breast smells like they just went down on a horse.

[1770] Yeah.

[1771] They're talking to me as if we got to keep a secret and my ears are located in my nose.

[1772] And I think what my conclusion is, well, this person has no idea about their hell of a toast.

[1773] Right?

[1774] Or they're a fucking asshole, and then I don't feel bad for that person either.

[1775] Or maybe they're just like, fuck, this is the hand I've been dealt, and I've got to be able to talk.

[1776] Yes, so what you do is you give a nice buffer.

[1777] You're not a close talker if you have halibot toast.

[1778] This is kind of my proof is that the people who have it don't know because they're not modulating the distance that they talk to.

[1779] But some people have halibat toast and they are brushing their teeth.

[1780] Absolutely.

[1781] And they're using listerine.

[1782] Well, again, let's not get in the hot water with Listerine.

[1783] They're brushing their tongue and their palate.

[1784] It's my opinion that if you use Listerine, you're going to be free of halibatose.

[1785] But I don't want to endorse it.

[1786] Actually, my dentist said that's not true.

[1787] Oh, Christ.

[1788] You're just getting us into legal battle after legal battle.

[1789] She said it's not like you can just.

[1790] Your dentist has a real axe to grind, doesn't she?

[1791] No, she's being so informative.

[1792] She's saying it's not like you cannot brush your teeth or not do all the things you're supposed to do, not exfoliate your gums.

[1793] and then just use Listerine and then expect your mouth to smell amazing.

[1794] No, this is a companion piece to great oral health care.

[1795] Yeah.

[1796] You know my dad's obsessed with oral health.

[1797] He is?

[1798] Very.

[1799] And how does his breath?

[1800] Is his breath nice?

[1801] Yeah.

[1802] He got super into it.

[1803] And now he's very disciplined about his.

[1804] Does he rub everyone's nose in it?

[1805] Like, just flossed.

[1806] No, he doesn't.

[1807] But he takes, he's in there for 10 minutes.

[1808] Oh, good for him.

[1809] Brushing flossing.

[1810] Maybe that's, you know.

[1811] It's well documented that I spend way too much time sitting on the toilet because it's kind of my time.

[1812] Yeah.

[1813] And as I age, I imagine that may lead to an undesirable hemorrhoid.

[1814] I think that can be a condition of sitting on the toilet too long and I don't want one of those.

[1815] Yeah.

[1816] So maybe what I'll do to recapture that time is I'll start really getting neurotic about my oral health care because then that'll buy me another 15 minutes and they're like picking around at my teeth and flossing.

[1817] But people can still talk to you while you're doing.

[1818] doing it that's what you're trying to avoid and they still talk to me while i'm taking a dump oh it's just they eventually give up you know right because of the smell i'm gonna guess quite often that's part of it yeah do you think that's why halibatot like some people they just don't want their family to talk to them so they keep bad breath oh is a deterrent yeah i don't think i don't think so i don't think so i don't I do.

[1819] Okay.

[1820] Well, I love you.

[1821] All right, that's all.

[1822] Have a wonderful evening.

[1823] You as well.

[1824] God bless.

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[1828] Thank you.