Jesse Eisenberg

[0] Oh, hi, my name is Jesse Eisenberg.

[1] And I feel desperate to be Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[2] Really?

[3] There's a desperation there?

[4] Back to school.

[5] Ring the bell.

[6] Brand new shoes.

[7] Walking loose.

[8] Climb the fence, books and pens.

[9] I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[10] Can tell that we are going to be friends.

[11] Hey there, and welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[12] This has been just a joy.

[13] It's been really fun.

[14] I had no idea I was going to do a podcast.

[15] And here I am doing it and meeting all kinds of people that come up to me and say, hey, I really like the podcast.

[16] And I have to apologize because my security usually roughs them up.

[17] I travel with a pretty rough crew.

[18] I do apologize.

[19] If my security has beaten or thrashed you because you've tried to say hi to me, that's on me. I apologize.

[20] And they will do a better job.

[21] I'm just, you know, that level, that level of star.

[22] Are you?

[23] What's that?

[24] I'm really not.

[25] No, I've been out there with you and you're completely exposed by yourself.

[26] Yeah.

[27] Hard to miss, too, because you're very tall.

[28] Yeah.

[29] You're his security, basically.

[30] You know what, I am.

[31] When I go places, yes, and this is, of course, my assistant, Sona.

[32] Sona, you've had to try and be my security, but it never works, right?

[33] You always step in to try and get things to move along more quickly and, right?

[34] You will talk to someone for 20 minutes.

[35] Sometimes it's frustrating.

[36] and then a mob will start to build around you and then there won't be any way to get you out of there.

[37] It's funny.

[38] I will talk to people sometimes and then, you know, people that just come up to me in a restaurant or on the street and they'll say they're fans and they'll start talking to me. And then they'll come a point in the conversation where they clearly want out and I keep it going.

[39] You do.

[40] There's a picture one of the writers took where you're, I think we're at San Diego for Comic Con and you're getting like around, it's behind me. You're just, there's your surrounding.

[41] by people and I'm just drinking wine because there's nothing I can do about it.

[42] I'm surrounded by like 30 people that want selfies and you're in the foreground and you're drinking and it's not just that you're drinking glass of wine, it's the tallest poor I've ever seen.

[43] You could soak your foot in this glass of wine.

[44] Sonas drinking some wine while I'm back there working the flesh.

[45] Yeah, yeah.

[46] But yeah, that's, I don't know if that comes from a need on my part, whatever, I just start talking to people and I can't stop.

[47] Gourley, Matt Gourley, our producer, diagnose me. You've known me for a while.

[48] Oh, wow.

[49] What do you see?

[50] Do you see a man who's crippled by a need, or do you think I shouldn't look at it in a critical way?

[51] Should I, and Sony, you can weigh in at any point.

[52] I think you just love your fans.

[53] And you're crippled by a need.

[54] They're not mutually exclusive.

[55] You know what?

[56] I think that's fair.

[57] Now, Gourley, the old me, the 2019 me, would have torn you a new one right now.

[58] But I'm not going to be that guy anymore.

[59] I'm nervous.

[60] Yeah.

[61] No, I'm like Clint Eastwood and the Unforgiven.

[62] You know, I was an amazing gunfighter in my day.

[63] I killed a lot of people.

[64] But I'm not like that anymore.

[65] Wow.

[66] Yeah.

[67] But then remember what happens at the end of the movie?

[68] Yeah, he has to go back to it.

[69] And he kills, yeah.

[70] So you're going to be slaughtered.

[71] Spoiler alert.

[72] Spoiler alert.

[73] The movie's been out since 1993.

[74] I was going to watch it tonight.

[75] And now there's no point.

[76] That's not true.

[77] Oh, this is getting back to when you spoiled the glass blowing show.

[78] That's the same.

[79] Oh, that's right.

[80] That was a segment from a couple of a few episodes.

[81] And you know what?

[82] I got so mad in the moment because I was like, I was going to watch that glass blowing show maybe.

[83] And I completely forgot about it.

[84] Yeah, you were never going to watch it.

[85] I was never going to watch it.

[86] I got triggered.

[87] What do you mean?

[88] I got really angry that you can accuse me of spoiling it.

[89] I remember.

[90] My brother actually said to me, he's like, you sounded really mad.

[91] Yeah.

[92] I don't know why.

[93] That's all right.

[94] Let's move on.

[95] You're a little crazy.

[96] A little bit.

[97] A little crazy.

[98] Okay.

[99] Which side of you is the crazy side?

[100] What are you talking about?

[101] It was the Armenian side.

[102] There's the Greek side.

[103] Well, the Armenian side takes more of that.

[104] You never know.

[105] They're both loud.

[106] I don't get to play that game because I am completely 100 % higher.

[107] So there's no question when people pretty much decide that I'm insane and that I have terrible mental problems.

[108] It's not like I can question, gee, is it the Irish?

[109] Irish people that lived here in this village or the ones that lived six feet over in that village.

[110] You're so Irish.

[111] You're so Irish.

[112] I'm from the same village.

[113] No. No, the villages were just crammed together really closely because there was one keg in the middle.

[114] Now, so, so, Gourley, you've watched me for a while and I know that you admire me and.

[115] What?

[116] No, no, keep going.

[117] No, you can do this.

[118] Okay.

[119] You, I know that you love to be the guy who gives it back.

[120] You know what I'm saying?

[121] No, first of all, I do not.

[122] You do.

[123] It actually puts me in an uncomfortable position.

[124] You like it.

[125] I don't like it.

[126] I hate it, as a matter of fact.

[127] You like walking around your cool neighborhood, having people who are strumming a...

[128] Yeah, Pasadena!

[129] Strumming a loot.

[130] Oh, there are old people gardening.

[131] Yeah.

[132] Oh, I heard you really...

[133] You gave it back to Conan.

[134] Good for you, young lad, goarly.

[135] Here's a shiny buffalo nickel for you.

[136] That's probably true.

[137] Yeah.

[138] You got them good.

[139] You really gave him the old...

[140] Rasmetage.

[141] I don't want to take you down.

[142] I just want to be your friend.

[143] No, come on.

[144] Coralie.

[145] The people that listen to this, I want to know what their version of me they have in their heads is.

[146] Well, you're very twee.

[147] You are...

[148] I'm wearing a baseball cap.

[149] Yeah.

[150] You're wearing it as if to prove a point.

[151] No, I'm not.

[152] No one's looked less natural wearing...

[153] That's true.

[154] You look like Mahatma Gandhi wearing a baseball cap.

[155] That's true, because I know nothing about sports.

[156] Can't we all be friends?

[157] That's true.

[158] But I was just running late and...

[159] Yeah, yeah.

[160] Yeah, and you could decide which of your pork pie hats to wear.

[161] I don't own a single pork pie hat.

[162] I swear to God.

[163] No, you are a man who has his unique fashion sense.

[164] Okay.

[165] So, no, will you describe what I'm wearing right now?

[166] Yes, he is wearing khaki pants.

[167] Well, first of all, let's be honest, khaki pants.

[168] But with very old broken shoes from a...

[169] Sneakers.

[170] Yeah.

[171] Yeah, it looked like Brogan's to me. Yes, and then red flannel shirt and baseball cap with the L .A. Dodgers logo on it.

[172] I look like a dad in a car commercial right now.

[173] Or like I'm in the CIA, trying to blend in.

[174] You're trying very hard not to be the mad.

[175] You're dressing this way.

[176] I have to admit.

[177] So that I won't pick on you.

[178] That's true.

[179] You are.

[180] I have to admit sometimes I come in, I'll like pick a normal piece of clothing out and go like, am I going to get rid of cool for this?

[181] No, you were like a tweed vest once.

[182] And you had...

[183] I've never worn a tweed vest.

[184] Yes, he didn't.

[185] I don't even own a tweed vest.

[186] For two podcasts, you wore a tweed vest and he had a big watch fob.

[187] No. Yes, he did.

[188] This guy comes in in full crocodile Dundee.

[189] You came in with a crocodile hat on.

[190] You had the hat from Australia.

[191] Yeah, from Australia because I visited there.

[192] It doesn't give you the right to come and looking like that?

[193] Of course it does.

[194] It was a gift from the Australian people and I was honoring them.

[195] How dare you, sir?

[196] Why were you dressed?

[197] It's ridiculous.

[198] Like Boss Tweed, you look like the campaign man. for, you know, some turn -of -the -century politician.

[199] 2020 Conan's really nailing it.

[200] What are you talking about?

[201] You said you were going to be 2020 Conan where you don't do this kind of thing.

[202] You really did, like, two minutes ago.

[203] This is worse than 20 -night.

[204] This is like 2010, Conan.

[205] Well, I'm sorry.

[206] I'm sick of you going back to Pasadena and walking around trying to get a high -five from all the oldies that live on your block.

[207] You know what I mean?

[208] Give those people a high -five their shit.

[209] shoulder comes off, but you're always like, they're always like, you got him.

[210] We listen to the radio program.

[211] Conan tried to get you, but you give him the old flimflam.

[212] Just tag me out.

[213] I don't want to do this.

[214] I don't know what to do.

[215] What do you think?

[216] I got him pretty good, huh?

[217] I thought we weren't going to do this anymore, but you, we are.

[218] We're back to it.

[219] Gourley has a...

[220] My nose is running.

[221] I feel like my nose is bleeding.

[222] Gourley has a cell phone that he's had modified to look like a 1940s bake and he carries it.

[223] And I am not kidding.

[224] It's a giant phone that you'd see like Jimmy Olson pick up and go, hello?

[225] Is that you?

[226] Superman?

[227] You know, from the 50s.

[228] And you had it modified.

[229] It's the most twee thing I've ever seen.

[230] It's ridiculous.

[231] Yes, you are absolutely right.

[232] I don't want to pile on, but did you use a handkerchief just know?

[233] I have to because my nose.

[234] No, you don't wear a handkerchief.

[235] Thank you.

[236] It's not a handker.

[237] It's just not like I just bought it.

[238] Oh my.

[239] No one uses those.

[240] Okay.

[241] I don't joke.

[242] Jordan Slansky me because I just, I just bought this at like a department store.

[243] Yeah, oh, I went to the department store to buy a hanker chief.

[244] Oh, fuck.

[245] I went to the hat.

[246] Excuse me. I'd like to talk to your top lady.

[247] Oh, don't throw it at it.

[248] He just threw to me and it hit me in my open mouth.

[249] Why do you have this?

[250] Because I have a problem.

[251] My nose runs when I laugh.

[252] That's a compliment.

[253] Case you might need to surrender quickly.

[254] I give up.

[255] I give up.

[256] I have a running nose.

[257] Yes, but no, everyone else uses Kleenex.

[258] Who cares?

[259] Who cares?

[260] But you can't because you're Matt Gourley.

[261] No, that's not why.

[262] Of the Pasadena Gourleys.

[263] Oh, for fuck's sake, I want to crawl in a hole.

[264] He's true that.

[265] I mean, it went to my open mouth.

[266] No, I'm going to get his disease, and I'll be buying curb top radios in a week.

[267] Oh, God.

[268] I'm so sorry, Matt.

[269] Oh, I quit.

[270] I quit.

[271] I didn't mean to do it.

[272] I really didn't mean it.

[273] You probably also don't have a normal cold.

[274] You probably have a 19th century ailment.

[275] Yeah.

[276] Like Biddler's flux.

[277] I have consumption.

[278] Yes.

[279] I have Kepler's palsy.

[280] Listen.

[281] Hey, who's on the show today?

[282] I'm glad you asked.

[283] My guest today is an Academy Award nominated actor, as well as an author and playwright.

[284] You know him from such films as the social network, Zombiland, Batman v. Superman, Dawn of Justice, and Zombie Land 2.

[285] I really love this guy.

[286] He is inordinately talented and also an incredibly nice and genteel fellow.

[287] Ladies and gentlemen, our good friend, Jesse Eisenberg.

[288] I want to apologize first.

[289] I think I owe you an apology because we showed up very early in the morning for this podcast in Hollywood.

[290] And I showed up.

[291] You were in your car right behind me. We met our way upstairs and we were locked out of the building.

[292] And we stood on the second floor and we were locked out for, I don't know, 15, 20 minutes.

[293] It seems like that, yeah.

[294] Yeah.

[295] In which case we had an amazing conversation which we will never be able to reproduce now.

[296] I wrote it all down.

[297] Yeah.

[298] Oh, you did?

[299] Yeah.

[300] As you do, I saw you, you sat like a scribe, an Egyptian scribe, and you were just writing everything I said down.

[301] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[302] Since the first time I interviewed you, you were a young lad, and I had the nicest connection with you.

[303] This is years ago on the old late night show.

[304] And then, I think a week later, I receive a beautiful, artistic, handwritten note from you thanking me for having you on the show.

[305] And I thought, who is this guy?

[306] He's so creative and thoughtful.

[307] And as I was feeding the note into the shredder.

[308] Sure.

[309] Because, you know, I...

[310] You receive so many.

[311] It's just really, I can't have my office cluttered up.

[312] Yeah, yeah.

[313] No, no, I think you had done.

[314] Like done origami or something.

[315] I mean, it was, you had done something very artistic.

[316] Oh, I think that was probably my wife, or girlfriend at the time.

[317] Yeah.

[318] She's the, yeah, but I did, the sentiment was mine.

[319] Yeah, and I received this, and I actually do still have it somewhere.

[320] The shredder, I mean, nothing else.

[321] It's just a really good shredder in those.

[322] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[323] But I was really taken with your character.

[324] I would call it like a milestone for me, but that implies that I expected to be on it at some point.

[325] I was obsessed with you since I'm young.

[326] and so to like get to be on your show it was like you know this kind of surreal experience that's sweet so yeah so it was so nice and then you know subsequently your your career has gone so well and you've done such great work so this morning when I'm driving here to the studio not knowing that we'd both be locked out sure I was looking forward to talking to you as a just as a person not as a oh I've got to do this podcast I'm supposed to do this and I said I would and this is what's slated, and today it's Jesse Eisenberg.

[327] I was really looking forward to hanging with you in this very forced way.

[328] It's pretty strange.

[329] I don't know why I'm strapped into the seat.

[330] Yeah, I know.

[331] You can struggle all you want, but you can't get out.

[332] No one's gotten out.

[333] You're not going anywhere.

[334] You know, so many things to talk about, first of all, is you've had a lot of conventional success.

[335] I mean, you are a very successful actor and you're very well regarded and you've been in a lot of great projects.

[336] And at the same time, you've managed to just be you as a human being.

[337] You don't live in town.

[338] You live, I know you want kept secret, but I want a specific address.

[339] Sure, sure, sure.

[340] Yeah, ninth floor.

[341] You, no, you live in the Midwest, I believe.

[342] Yeah, we live between Indiana and New York.

[343] Yeah.

[344] And, and you've just managed to, I think, do this your way.

[345] Does that feel like it resonates with you?

[346] Yes, although when you describe it, it sounds like this, you know, great decision of somebody with a perfectly healthy attitude towards life.

[347] And for me, I view it from the inside, which is somebody constantly terrified, anxious, and trying to survive in a world that feels like totally unstable and tenuous.

[348] And so like these decisions that you describe as these like wonderfully healthy, you know, ideals of staying true to oneself, to me, are just pure coping and defense mechanisms.

[349] So you're in the Midwest because you think it's less likely to receive a nuclear attack, not out of some noble.

[350] It's mostly there are fewer movie posters.

[351] Yeah, I mean, my fears are far more petty than nuclear attack.

[352] In fact, I almost love a nuclear attack because then it could explain away why I wasn't in a movie this year.

[353] Well, you know, of course, because of the nuclear attack.

[354] Otherwise, you know, the film would have been great.

[355] Oh, yeah, well, you know, of course.

[356] If not for the nuclear attack, you would have seen me in Avatar, you know.

[357] I think you have 30 more years to be in an Avatar movie.

[358] They're rolling out very slowly.

[359] It's a bad example, but you understand the essence.

[360] I didn't understand the essence.

[361] You know, it's funny that I didn't set out, when I started doing this podcast, I literally didn't set out to do anything.

[362] But what has happened over the, I don't know, 40, interviews I've done or so, very few, but 40 interviews with very successful people.

[363] Sure.

[364] It's I keep hearing the same thing over and over again, which is, there's so many people that would look at you, Jesse, and say, oh, he's got it made, he cracked it, he figured it out.

[365] Right.

[366] No, I'm scared.

[367] Right.

[368] I'm anxious.

[369] Yeah.

[370] I'm constantly pivoting.

[371] Yeah.

[372] I'm trying to figure this out.

[373] There's some level of desperation.

[374] Yeah.

[375] And I think maybe if this podcast achieves nothing else.

[376] and it may not.

[377] I'd like it known that many famous people, if not most famous people, feel that way most the time.

[378] What do you think the value is to people listening?

[379] Because I kind of hesitate to talk about this stuff because it feels like, why does somebody want to hear me complain about feeling anxious about a career or about a movie industry?

[380] I mean...

[381] Right, right.

[382] I guess it's not...

[383] Here's very specifically why I think it's valuable.

[384] We have a culture are built on envy.

[385] Everybody's photoshopped.

[386] Everybody looks better than they really are.

[387] I've gone out of my way in my career to look as crappy on television as I do in real life.

[388] And it's been an amazing success.

[389] Well, our time's up.

[390] Our time is up.

[391] Sign the table, leave.

[392] Yeah.

[393] I meet so many people that want to be famous.

[394] Yeah.

[395] They come up to me and say, oh, Mr. O 'Brien, and I say it's Admiral O 'Brien.

[396] Sure, sure.

[397] I prefer.

[398] Mr. O 'Brien's my mom.

[399] Yeah.

[400] Yeah, I guess...

[401] Now, you could say, you can disagree with me and say, no, this has no intrinsic value.

[402] You're wasting people's time.

[403] No, I think it does have value.

[404] I wonder if we overestimate the amount of people who want that from, who want a reality from the people they watch on TV.

[405] I think probably you and I want that, but I do feel probably like a lot of people don't want that and maybe it feels cloying to them.

[406] But I don't know.

[407] Yeah.

[408] Maybe that's just my own self -deprecation manifesting as they're at these theoretical people's ideas.

[409] But I don't know.

[410] I mean, to offset that, we could also talk about all the amazing stuff we have.

[411] Let's do that now.

[412] I mean, you have acquired an immense fortune.

[413] I have a Toyota.

[414] Yeah.

[415] Yeah, but you're not...

[416] It's a rental.

[417] It's a rental.

[418] Yeah, it's not even a lease.

[419] It's a rental.

[420] Yeah.

[421] It's a day -to -day thing.

[422] I can't even...

[423] I'm so worried about, you know, sort of about the future.

[424] Yeah.

[425] It's got a hurts day -to -day rental with no insurance.

[426] Uh -huh.

[427] Couldn't afford the LDW.

[428] Wait a minute you didn't get the insurance.

[429] Of course you did.

[430] I did get the insurance.

[431] Yeah, I saw you pull in behind me. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[432] And I saw this very unimpressive car.

[433] Yeah.

[434] I was enraged.

[435] Yeah, I just assumed.

[436] You know what I do?

[437] I thought it was someone who was not of my social status, and I almost thrashed you with a stick.

[438] I drive a Lexus in, that's my car, but it's not my car.

[439] It's a 15 -year -old Lexus from my aunt who made a lot of money.

[440] She's a brilliant woman.

[441] I grew up regular, you know what I mean?

[442] Sure.

[443] And now I drive this Lexus, and I find it absolutely humiliating to drive, a fancy car.

[444] And so I try to emphasize how old it is by, you know, when I get out of the car, kind of casually mentioning to my wife, okay, just make sure we lock the old Lexus.

[445] Yeah.

[446] I have this little Fiat 500.

[447] It's literally like two years old.

[448] My wife got it for me. It's the size of a chicklet, a piece of gum.

[449] It looks like a party favor.

[450] But I drive around in it and people mock me because I am a large man. And I unfold myself and get out of this tiny clown car.

[451] Right.

[452] And so I'm in my little Fiat, and it's a nice little putt -put four -cylinder, or maybe if that, it might have just one cylinder and a squirrel.

[453] Right, right.

[454] It's not even a cylinder.

[455] It's a rumbus.

[456] It's the wrong shape.

[457] But I get out of that car and I noticed that there was some fancy restaurant next to me, and I think I saw like two Bentley's and a Rolls -Royce.

[458] Wow.

[459] I mean, cars that I don't even see, who sees a Rolls -Royce?

[460] Right, these are novelty items.

[461] But I just thought I would be incapable of stepping out of a car like that.

[462] I would feel like such a shithead.

[463] Now, how much do you think that?

[464] Of course, of course.

[465] And you're right.

[466] And we would all think that of you.

[467] But do you think part of that is because you're so, like, recognizable.

[468] And everybody already knows, you know, there's no need for you to tell strangers about your status because you are your status.

[469] People know who you are right away.

[470] So in a way, you kind of check that box.

[471] And then walking out of this tiny car, as you're saying, in a way, you know, off.

[472] sets and humbles you.

[473] I think the car, I go out of my way not to wash the car sometimes.

[474] Now, you, going out of your way, do you ever find yourself going to ridiculous lengths?

[475] Like, you've gone too far.

[476] Like, for example, you're showing up at a movie that you have a premiere in and you're wearing a threadbare clothing.

[477] The example I was going to give you was exactly the theoretical cliche example you just gave, which is that I was told to not wear the shirt I got from Target at the premiere of Zombie Land last night.

[478] I was given a stylist, and she said, just don't wear the shirt you bought at Target last week.

[479] I went to Target last week to buy my son clothes.

[480] He's three years old.

[481] You can't buy nice clothes for a three -year -old because they're going to grow.

[482] So take him to Target.

[483] I find a shirt that I like, and I decide I'm going to wear this shirt for the entire press junk.

[484] I'm going to wear it every day.

[485] I wore it on the Jimmy Fallon show.

[486] And I was about to wear it to the premiere.

[487] And they said, don't do that.

[488] Don't do it.

[489] I said, is it because you have a deal with the company?

[490] They said, no, it's because you look bad.

[491] And I said, that's, this is precisely what I'm going for.

[492] What I look right now is precise what I'm going for.

[493] And anyway, I was, I was bullied into wearing a, what was, Christian Dior.

[494] Christian Dior.

[495] You believe that?

[496] A Christian Dior suit?

[497] You believe that?

[498] On me. I'm wearing all Christian Dior right now, so I don't see what you're problem is.

[499] I know, I can smell it.

[500] That's why I wear it.

[501] It's the smell of Christian Dior clothing.

[502] No, it's, I also do feel New York City, unlike Los Angeles, New York City is, is a, is a heterogeneous city.

[503] outside, you're surrounded by people from all walks of life, unlike LA.

[504] You're not sequestered in a car and all that.

[505] I don't like wearing nice, expensive clothing in a city where I feel self -conscious to be part of the elite.

[506] I didn't grow up that way.

[507] I feel embarrassed to be part of that tax bracket now because it's something that I would have railed against, you know, had it not affected me. My wife is a, my wife is, you know, liberal activist and her family is liberal intellectuals.

[508] Her brother is Noam Chomsky's editor and Howard Zinsko writer.

[509] I feel mortified to be in this class that I accidentally wound up in by virtue of pursuing a life in the arts.

[510] And so, yes, I try to offset it in every possible aspect of my life.

[511] You seem very well -raised, well -bred.

[512] That's something you don't hear about anymore.

[513] No one talks about that.

[514] My mother when I was a kid would talk a lot about I'm always being held to account like every minute of every day that remember who you are right i feel like you have that i do but i also don't feel like i'm asked to be swept along that much like i don't feel i get invited to a lot of big deal more parties than i do yeah i'm just want to make that if we get nothing else out of today yeah yeah just know that you have a lot of invitations and on rsvp at rsvps yes yeah okay probably and i i'm just thinking about this for the first time i probably offset the thing that you're talking about by just assuming that I'm rejected by, I don't know, I also like, you're like constantly in the industry.

[515] You have a day, you know, your day and day job.

[516] Yeah.

[517] So I think you're probably more, you probably, it's probably impossible to not feel a part of it.

[518] Whereas like when you're acting in movies, like, you know, you'd have six months off and you have to choose what you want to do with that six months.

[519] Now, you could do that like in pursuit of other movie jobs.

[520] You can do drugs and, you know, sleep through it.

[521] You know, you could travel to some obscure place.

[522] For me, I like writing in New York or being with my family in Indiana.

[523] So, like, I just choose to do these things that have nothing to do with this part of it.

[524] And therefore, I guess I don't feel like I'm constantly being swept along.

[525] In fact, these days that I'm out here doing press, like, feels like such a strange anomaly unpart of my real life, feels totally fake.

[526] And to quote, Woody Allen, when we were doing press together, he goes, let's be over in a day and we can go back to our real lives.

[527] Nice.

[528] Okay.

[529] And you do a very good Woody Allen, by the way.

[530] Because you are him.

[531] Yeah, I just have to, yeah, I mean, you can't look like me and not do a Woody Allen impression, be like looking like you and not being recruited by the middle school basketball team.

[532] It just happens, whether you want to do it or not, it just happens.

[533] Yeah, it's funny.

[534] I had that same, I would say I borrowed some from Woody Allen, I borrowed some from early Bob Hope movies, the kind of self -deprecating, nice fellas, always around people that are much stronger and bigger.

[535] And I adopted that comedic attitude because that that was really funny.

[536] And then I got kind of tall and kind of big.

[537] but I still, you know, so I act like Don Notts.

[538] I act like not, you know, sorry fellas, I realize that, oh boy, look at the muscles on this guy, nice with the muscles.

[539] All right, if you'll just excuse me, and I'm adjusting glasses that I'm usually not wearing.

[540] And people are looking at me like, yeah, you're putting your hand, finger in your eye and adjusting them.

[541] I'm adjusting my contacts.

[542] That was good to see you.

[543] But you are, you're an unusual height.

[544] You're not like 6 '1 and like a good height and they're like an unusual height.

[545] the awkward thing still applies, you know, because you're, you're noticeable.

[546] You're in dangerous territory here.

[547] I know that.

[548] I know that.

[549] You said you're not a good height.

[550] No, no, no. And then you said you're an unusual height.

[551] And you made sure that you said it's not good to be my height.

[552] What I'm, my son does not want to be my height.

[553] How tall is he?

[554] Well, he's still growing.

[555] He is about to turn 14.

[556] I don't actually, he probably comes up to my shoulder, but.

[557] Oh, he's going to be very tall.

[558] Well, I think so.

[559] Unless he's, he's, right now.

[560] He smokes a lot.

[561] And he's taking a lot of weird chemicals.

[562] It's a program we got involved in, just to experiment.

[563] Sounds like you're raising him just in line with your mother's dictum.

[564] My mother said you should be polite.

[565] She didn't say I couldn't feed my son.

[566] Strange chemicals to perform, you know, experiments.

[567] No, he, I think he looks at me and he thinks, nah, six four, I don't know if I want to be that.

[568] I think he'd be more comfortable being, you know, like 5 -11 or 6 feet tall.

[569] It's just interesting.

[570] He doesn't want to stand out that way.

[571] But that's what I'm saying.

[572] So with you, it actually is this really funny juxtaposition of like a guy who's kind of like uncomfortable with this thing that he's been given.

[573] Right.

[574] And that's why it's a funny juxtaposition.

[575] Yeah.

[576] It's, uh, I was down in Santa Monica once and I was with my daughter.

[577] This is a couple of years, a bunch of years ago, but I want to say she was about 10 or 11 at the time.

[578] And we were walking and we saw, I saw on the window these sunglasses.

[579] that just covered most of your face.

[580] They just were giant sunglasses.

[581] And I said...

[582] Vista vianno glasses.

[583] Yeah, exactly.

[584] And it was like a giant windshield, like something Yoko Ono would have worn in like 1986, like these giant black.

[585] And I said, I bet if I wore those, people wouldn't recognize me. So we went inside.

[586] They weren't that much.

[587] I bought these sunglasses.

[588] I put them on and I walked out with my...

[589] I said to my daughter, it was like a comedy, a well -directed comedy moment.

[590] I said, it's going to be nice to walk around to not constantly talk to everybody.

[591] And I put them on and we stepped outside and a guy went, Conan!

[592] It's like there's no...

[593] It is like Big Bird from Sesame Street putting on glasses and saying, no one's going to bother me now on Sesame Street.

[594] I'm wearing this tie.

[595] Right, no one will...

[596] Yeah, exactly.

[597] When you get recognized, I'm just, I guess, are you good at establishing boundaries?

[598] Are you good at saying, you know, I'm not comfortable with a selfie right now?

[599] You know, my degree in school is anthropological.

[600] and I've always been curious to ask people questions, especially where are they from, because it was cultural anthropology.

[601] I'm curious about where people are from.

[602] I live in New York City half the time, which is like an amazingly diverse place.

[603] So when people come up to me, I just immediately ask them a question.

[604] It's my nature of deflection anyway, but also it gives me an opportunity to pry into their lives.

[605] And that's the only way I can cope with this very uncomfortable thing of like strangers stopping you and, you know.

[606] So I always just ask people where they're from and genuinely fascinated.

[607] I like to know things about the entire world, different countries.

[608] I'm curious about that.

[609] And so this is my coping mechanism, but it's also really interesting for me. And it gives you an opportunity to pry.

[610] Yeah, I forgot that you studied anthropology.

[611] How could you forget that?

[612] I'm in the zombie land movie.

[613] How could you?

[614] Yeah, you're right.

[615] Yeah.

[616] It should be obvious.

[617] You are studied anthropology.

[618] So then you become an actor.

[619] I would think that would be invaluable to you.

[620] Like, to just look at people and try and figure out What makes them tick?

[621] Yeah, well, my dad taught sociology, and my mom was a birthday party clown.

[622] And so she was like this very kind of, like, silly entertainer who, you know, were face -paint and did these crazy songs.

[623] Did she get a lot of work as a birthday party clown?

[624] She worked on the weekends in the tri -state area.

[625] It was not, you know, when you say get a lot of work.

[626] That's how serial killers are described, by the way.

[627] They roamed the tri -state area often dressed as a clown.

[628] Yes, you're right.

[629] Yeah, you're right.

[630] You're right.

[631] The difference with her is that she didn't kill anybody and she did parties instead.

[632] But otherwise, exactly the same thing.

[633] Yeah, exactly.

[634] And my dad was like a kind of very, he's a funny person and everything, but he's very serious, like, social behavior analyst.

[635] And so, you know, I would have a friend come over after school and we'd be eating snacks and after the friend would leave.

[636] My dad would say, you know, so interesting that Michael asked for a snack as soon as he came over.

[637] I wonder if he's eating at home.

[638] And, you know, I wonder if that was kind of a power move, you know, that he was asking us for a snack, kind of asserting his dominance here at the house.

[639] which is a new place for him.

[640] And my mom would, you know, do some crazy thing and sing a song.

[641] So I probably am a, only in retrospected, I realize I'm a real combination of both of them because I do kind of like more serious performance than a birthday party clown, but with the kind of similar social curiosity that might be.

[642] Sure, you're a blend of sociologist and clown.

[643] I'm the sociologist clown.

[644] Yeah, I was going to ask you about, you have a very intelligent way of speaking.

[645] You also speak very quickly.

[646] Yes, my, yeah, my dad is so slow, it's so thoughtful and so bright, but, and so contemplative that he speaks so slowly.

[647] So I think my, yes, my horrible affectation was purely to get a word in edgewise because I had to sneak into his pauses.

[648] And so this is all you trying to get a word in.

[649] Yeah.

[650] I speak quickly.

[651] Yeah, of course.

[652] I speak quickly.

[653] I've tried to slow it down.

[654] Why?

[655] Just so I can be heard Sometimes if I get going really quickly It can sound a little bit like When you listen to a podcast and it's on One and a half, double speed Yeah Sometimes when to listen to those I think that that's approaching the speed That I can get to sometimes If I'm really intense And I'm really speaking about something Right I have a brother Luke who speaks Very quickly, so quickly That people think he's from Ireland They really do People think he's from Ireland Because he talks really quickly And so it sounds a little bit like Sometimes it sounds like You know I tell you something right now And people will be like, well, tell me, are you from Dublin?

[656] And he'll be like, no, I'm from Boston.

[657] But if you speed up a Massachusetts speech pattern just a little bit, it starts a sound, I don't know, that's interesting, the sing -song cadence of Ireland.

[658] And then you can get a little bit, it's going quickly.

[659] And people say, oh, well, tell me, you know, so you have an Irish passport.

[660] That must be where, no, no, no, I don't.

[661] I live here in Boston.

[662] Have you ever been asked to slow down by, you know, network executives?

[663] I got a lot of notes early on, notes like don't be on television.

[664] Sure.

[665] And then that was the umbrella note and everything else that followed was kind of in retrospect.

[666] Do you think like, what, there was like six months where like it was, didn't, wasn't great?

[667] Oh, so it was longer.

[668] There was, uh, I have a lot of younger fans that have no idea we ever went through any difficulty.

[669] Really?

[670] And I say, oh, no, no, you don't understand.

[671] I can show you, uh, articles that were written in 93, 94 that, you know, have headlines like, wouldn't it be great if he died?

[672] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[673] It was weird that the times put that above the fold, I thought.

[674] Yeah, I mean, and on a day...

[675] Especially during the first Gulf War.

[676] Exactly.

[677] I mean, the same day as the invasion?

[678] It was the same day as the invasion, and it was the lead story.

[679] Yeah.

[680] Why can't Conan die?

[681] And then in other news, we've invaded the Gulf.

[682] Yeah.

[683] Committed our forces.

[684] In much lesser news.

[685] In much lesser news.

[686] And Osama bin Laden determined to attack US.

[687] But I still framed it.

[688] How do you deal with criticism?

[689] Cry?

[690] I don't know.

[691] How does one deal with criticism?

[692] Well, some people...

[693] There's many different...

[694] reactions to criticism.

[695] One is F them.

[696] They have no idea what they're talking about.

[697] Oh, no, no, that's not mine.

[698] No, I mean, I validate the worst, I validate the worst criticism and disregard anything good, like a normal person.

[699] Yes.

[700] Yeah.

[701] No, I mean, it's so funny because that's, that is what I do.

[702] I do the exact same thing.

[703] Yeah, of course.

[704] I find the one person in the crowd who's not laughing.

[705] Yeah.

[706] And think, they see.

[707] Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[708] I mean, the other thing, which is true, which is that I just isolate myself to such a strange degree that I'm really not aware of a lot of it.

[709] The first movie I was in, probably right on the time I was 20 years old, probably right in the same time I visited your show.

[710] I Googled my name.

[711] It was before Google.

[712] I Yahooed my name.

[713] And the first thing that came up was, he reminds me of Ben Stiller.

[714] And then the person underneath went, you mean ugly and Jewish?

[715] And I closed the computer and I never looked up my name again.

[716] And since then, really, I've, I'm so, I live such an insular, strange, life.

[717] I regret writing that.

[718] Yeah, I know.

[719] And it was strange, it was right as you were taking off, too, so it was risky.

[720] And instead of using an avatar, you use your real name and several pictures to indicate who you are, and a fingerprint.

[721] I was, I was having a down moment, and my anti -Semitism, was it a boil?

[722] Yeah.

[723] No, I can't believe.

[724] Yeah.

[725] I've had people tell me, man, I was going through internet comments.

[726] about myself last night.

[727] I cannot believe me if people do that.

[728] What are you doing?

[729] Why are you looking up comments of yourself?

[730] Because my wife always says the internet is a bathroom wall.

[731] Why would you want to know the very worst of what a human being could think of you?

[732] Yes, yes, right, exactly.

[733] And see it.

[734] My wife always tells me the internet hates you.

[735] I said, really?

[736] They said, yes, yes, I found stuff that hates you.

[737] Why would she tell you that?

[738] I don't know.

[739] I don't know.

[740] I don't know.

[741] Because from her perspective, she feels like protective.

[742] over me. She thinks I say too much in interviews, and I put my foot in my mouth, and she is a political activist, and she, you know, and she thinks that, like, I'm not being as explicitly progressive in my interviews about my entertainment things.

[743] And I say, I don't want that.

[744] I feel it's not my place.

[745] I feel it's, I feel things like that are overdone and, you know, add to the kind of strange discourse we have in culture anyway.

[746] And you're saying that, uh, that you don't like to get political, you don't like to wear your opinions on your sleeve.

[747] Yeah.

[748] Because this is something that I wanted to jump on quickly.

[749] I feel very strongly about things.

[750] I have very strong feelings.

[751] But I always have this sense that no one elected me to anything.

[752] Exactly.

[753] And sometimes I think we live in a culture where people think, well, you're a coward if you're not on the ramparts right now, you know, throwing flaming arrows at the enemy.

[754] And I think I, A, I don't think it's that simple, and B, I don't, I sometimes do think that the discourse has been poisoned a bit when every single person who has any kind of notoriety feels elected to tell us what they think.

[755] I completely agree.

[756] And for me, the kind of the compromise or the solution is, you know, my mother -in -law ran a domestic violence shelter for 35 years.

[757] She passed away two years ago.

[758] My wife and I helped to fund it.

[759] I did a major, like, campaign to raise money for it, and I talk about domestic violence and issues of domestic violence and try to raise awareness for the shelter, Middle Wayhouse in Bloomington, Indiana.

[760] To me, this is, like, a wonderful thing to do.

[761] No one's going to disagree with this.

[762] This is not going to upset anybody.

[763] And this is a way, you know, just in terms of, like, the political discourse of people in entertainment, that seems like a wonderful solution.

[764] Talk about a thing that you feel could be helpful rather than I feel kind of.

[765] of, you know, add to just give other people reasons to look at entertainment.

[766] The entertainment industry has further alienated from mainstream society.

[767] Right.

[768] Which is kind of the way I feel, even though I'm part of it.

[769] And, and, you know, especially, you know, I'm kind of in the Midwest.

[770] Not that I have some, not that my finger is on the cultural pulse, pulse there, but like, you know, I think like if you live here or to a lesser, much lesser degree in New York, You know, you have a sense that, like, everybody kind of, you know, really thinks the way you do.

[771] There's a bit of like a homogenous culture out here, which I never noticed or never really fully, it never crystallized from me until I got a juice this morning.

[772] And the guy said, hey, bro, your juice is ready.

[773] Thanks, Jess.

[774] Come, I see you soon.

[775] And I realized no one would ever do that in New York because there are too many competing kind of cultures there that have held on to their cultures.

[776] And here in Los Angeles, it's a newer thing.

[777] People come here rather than are born here.

[778] and therefore like there's a kind of homogeneity to the culture here where people feel comfortable saying hey bro your juice is ready as though like i i mean i'm i'm the last person who could authentically go by bro and so i realized oh there's a bit of a homogeneity here and so i can understand why people feel they should say something because it feels kind of safe here to be able to say something but if you leave here uh you know you realize not everybody thinks like you and i think kind of being so explicit sometimes i think will further alienate the people you're trying to convince.

[779] Yeah, I agree with you 100%.

[780] Children have the benefit.

[781] They have the luxury of thinking everything is simple.

[782] And growing into adulthood is realizing that things are complicated, nuanced.

[783] They can contain the good and the bad, the salty and the sweet.

[784] And that's what being an adult is.

[785] And there's something about our national deal.

[786] discourse now where everyone wants to be a child again.

[787] The other side sucks.

[788] They're bad.

[789] We're good.

[790] They're evil.

[791] They're the death star.

[792] We're the rebels that are fighting them that are fighting for freedom.

[793] And each side can look at the other side that way.

[794] And I think, well, that's just adults wanting to be children.

[795] Yeah.

[796] Does that sound?

[797] Oh, it does.

[798] I mean, can you praise what I just said?

[799] I mean, I think you're a genius and I've loved you for a really long time, like up until that moment.

[800] No, no, I think you're right.

[801] The truth is, like, I come from, you know, a very liberal New York Jewish family.

[802] I don't think there's been any person in my family in three generations in this country that has voted for a Republican on any state, local, national level.

[803] And so I actually do come from a place of feeling that we're right and that, you know, the liberal position would benefit more people.

[804] I genuinely do feel that way very strongly.

[805] and I do what I can to promote that in my personal life.

[806] That said, so the feelings you just described, I think, are actually probably, I maybe feel that way a bit, you know, that there, but I just don't talk about it in that way because I don't think that's the correct way to do it.

[807] And if I were to talk about it in a way, I would either do it in, like, the fiction that I write in a kind of, you know, veiled way that's not, you know, my own personal, or just in a way that feels more measured and thought out.

[808] I don't have a Twitter account, so I don't have, like, any kind of way, to have a knee -jerk reaction that's public.

[809] And I don't, I'm not really public enough person to feel like it's even warranted.

[810] I do have a Twitter account, but to me, the only way I can do the internet, and I mean, do the internet, which, just saying that.

[811] Just, it just lost a huge demographic corner.

[812] I just lost 80 % of the people that would ever want to hear what I have to say.

[813] The only way I can participate is that if it's a one -way street, meaning I don't then go look.

[814] I like to put funny, what I think are funny things out there.

[815] I know you feel that way.

[816] It's a one -way street here, pal.

[817] You listen to me, Eisenberg.

[818] But I will put funny things out there, and then if you like it or don't like it, it's not, I can't help you.

[819] That was what I made in that moment.

[820] Are you tempted to respond to things and don't?

[821] No, not really, because to respond to it, I would have to know, I'm not actively looking for, you know, what people thought about every second of what I was doing.

[822] I just think it's – with that noise in your head, how can you make anything?

[823] That's exactly how I feel.

[824] This is why I don't watch the movies I've been in because I feel like it just stifles my own creativity.

[825] I don't read reviews of the plays I do or the stuff I write because I just feel like, how could you do anything if you're kind of coming from a place of reacting to somebody telling you how to do your job?

[826] So when you're at a premiere or at some event where you need to watch one of your movies and you come on camera for the first time, you don't stand and say, boom there he is I haven't I don't go to those I never go to those I think I was like That would be the only reason I would be in a movie I'm not a movie figure But I would go Yeah yeah yeah And I would As myself I wouldn't disguise myself Or anything And Ed the second I walked on I'd be like Yeah Boom Bring the Conan And I would stand Do you think people Would know it was you Yes they would know It was me I'd be removed Sure sure sure Sure sure But I'd make my way back in, and then when I enter the scene again, I'd be like, there he is again!

[827] Do you think anybody's been non -forcibly removed?

[828] I think some people who have shame are told to leave.

[829] But I think being forcibly ejected is much funnier.

[830] Yeah, no, of course, of course, but it also seems like the only way to be removed.

[831] What about, you should go?

[832] I think you should go.

[833] That's ejected.

[834] Okay.

[835] Yeah, yeah.

[836] You're right.

[837] Yeah.

[838] That's complying with an ejection.

[839] Okay.

[840] Yeah.

[841] Anyway, so just if you can take it back and just not say the force.

[842] because it's redundant.

[843] I think if you or I were on a long road trip, one of us would kill the other.

[844] Yeah, or we'd stop in Long Island to decide to take separate modes of transportation.

[845] I think we're far enough.

[846] This is Bergen County.

[847] I think we're far enough here.

[848] And I'll see you in L .A. for the proposed appointment.

[849] Yes, very good.

[850] I'm summoning my private jet now.

[851] Yes, exactly.

[852] I'm going to go.

[853] It's coated with gold.

[854] Drop me off at Westchester Airport, and I'm going to take a small plane there.

[855] What's the rest of your day?

[856] What's going on?

[857] I mean...

[858] Going to Los Angeles Comic -Con?

[859] I didn't know there was a Los Angeles Comic -Con.

[860] There's a Comic -Con everywhere now.

[861] I didn't realize that.

[862] Yeah, it's sort of like Burger King.

[863] They're everywhere.

[864] Oh, okay.

[865] So, yeah.

[866] Interesting that you chose Burger King.

[867] Do you have a deal with them or something?

[868] McDonald's is the correct person.

[869] I don't yet, but if I keep hammering away...

[870] I figured McDonald's would be going after too big a fish.

[871] Got it.

[872] But if I hit Burger King and I hit it enough...

[873] Sure.

[874] You know, I think something good is my way will come.

[875] You've always aimed low and look at where it's got...

[876] Look at where it's got you.

[877] We were locked out of it's got you.

[878] of the studio this morning.

[879] We were locked out of the studio.

[880] I've never felt my position in show business more dearly than standing on the second floor balcony of a pretty pedestrian, sad -looking building.

[881] Yeah.

[882] There was one of those giant locks on the door that has a code you have to push into it.

[883] Like they're trying to rent it out to a college kid.

[884] Exactly.

[885] And this is supposed to be, I mean, this is a very successful podcast.

[886] I hate to toot my own horn.

[887] Harry's Raisins.

[888] Let's just say.

[889] Well, no, I mean, yes, of course, is there, is it bringing in some revenue?

[890] I'm sure it is somewhere.

[891] But no, creatively, it's a very successful podcast.

[892] It's a juggernaut.

[893] No one uses the...

[894] Let's call it what it is.

[895] It's a juggernaut.

[896] It is a black hole that's devouring all other podcasts.

[897] That's right.

[898] And no light can shine around it.

[899] Yeah, yeah.

[900] It is a devourer of worlds.

[901] It is an apocalyptic show, a show that will destroy anything that gets in its way.

[902] Do you feel threatened by the Chuck Toddcast?

[903] I do.

[904] Okay.

[905] Yeah.

[906] Yeah.

[907] Yeah, the fact that he could just take his name.

[908] and go right out of the cast, Toddcast.

[909] You know, I could have done cone cast, but I didn't.

[910] I had a shred of dignity, and then Toddcast.

[911] And I'll say you're sued by Comcast.

[912] Well, yes, exactly.

[913] I didn't think about that at the time.

[914] Is there a parallel universe where you're hosting Meet the Press?

[915] I think there should be.

[916] But they'd be like in that Star Trek episode, whenever there's a parallel universe, the people in the other universe have little goatees.

[917] Like Spock has a goatee.

[918] Right.

[919] And, you know, everyone has a slight difference.

[920] So I think there's a parallel universe where I host Meet the Press, but I have a little goatee and slightly evil eyebrows.

[921] I think you're going to give me an answer about your political proclivities and why actually, you know, yes, why you could have pursued that route and, you know, if you could only go back.

[922] But no, instead, you have a goatee and different eyebrows?

[923] Yes.

[924] Okay, cool.

[925] Yeah.

[926] I'm not going to waste your time with, you know.

[927] I mean, give a curiosity about that stuff in a way that would.

[928] I do.

[929] I have a lot.

[930] I mean, I think you and I are both curious souls.

[931] I think you've asked me as many questions today as I've asked you.

[932] Most people are content to let me do all the questioning.

[933] Right.

[934] You are a curious man. I'm a curious man. I think there's an alternate universe where you and I have like a very sophisticated, like Huntley -Brinkly, this is a very old reference kids, but look it up, kind of show where you and I are dissecting the national discourse every night and people really admire us.

[935] Right, sure.

[936] But then you're vaguely aware that you have a big movie career in another universe.

[937] And you're pretty pumped about that, yeah.

[938] But you're pissed that you're not in that universe.

[939] Oh, right, that I'm not in that one.

[940] Yeah, I'm stuck with this goatee.

[941] Yeah, and you have a weird goatee.

[942] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[943] And I'm actually happy that I'm in the universe.

[944] I'm in because I'm getting a break from my family.

[945] This is fascinating.

[946] We're both aware of our parallel lives, but one person is happy to be in this other situation and the other person laments the fact that they're in this body.

[947] I'm happy that I'm in the other universe because my cholesterol is slightly lower there, too.

[948] Right, right, right.

[949] You know, my cholesterol is like a solid 130.

[950] Right, exactly.

[951] And then in the universe where I'm Conan O 'Brien, the talk show host comedian, it's pushing 200.

[952] Right, right.

[953] My hair does better in humidity in the other body, for example.

[954] Again, were you and I to take a long car trip?

[955] Sure.

[956] I think there'd be a few hours where we're the closest to friends.

[957] Sure.

[958] And then I think as we started to get out to the badlands...

[959] You'd think we'd make it to the badlands?

[960] Yes.

[961] I'm flattered.

[962] Thank you.

[963] Honored.

[964] We get to the bad lands.

[965] I think I would contrive a way to try.

[966] Are we going west to east or east to west?

[967] East to west is how I would want to do it.

[968] That's flattering.

[969] Thank you.

[970] Yeah.

[971] We'd get all the way to the badlands.

[972] I'm sorry, the bad lands of Massachusetts.

[973] Oh, got it, got it, got it.

[974] Yeah.

[975] There's some desert areas.

[976] It's a bad area.

[977] Western Massachusetts.

[978] Yeah, yeah.

[979] Yeah, yeah.

[980] But anyway, I think, yeah, I think I might contrive a way to lure you into the woods and try and end you.

[981] Sure, sure, sure.

[982] Sure.

[983] I think you'd win, but I'd bite.

[984] You're a biter.

[985] Yeah.

[986] It's kind of silly, but if we get one thing out of this, I would love to have your address, not here on the air, but you are a great fellow.

[987] I have a lot of admiration for you, and I would like to occasionally write you a stupid note.

[988] Oh, thank you so much.

[989] And so if that happens, I will shred it.

[990] You will shred it.

[991] Well, Jesse, congratulations on everything.

[992] Thank you for being here.

[993] I think when this airs, you'll be very, pleased because I'm going to lower both of our voices electronically.

[994] Sure, sure.

[995] We're quite masculine.

[996] Yeah, to sound like a regular person.

[997] Thank you.

[998] Thanks you so much.

[999] How about another round of review the reviewers?

[1000] These are real comments from listeners and we must accept their opinions and respond.

[1001] Yeah, on Apple Podcasts.

[1002] Okay.

[1003] All right, this is from Not So Red Sonia.

[1004] It's five stars.

[1005] The title is the podcast is helping me survive a move.

[1006] I am eight months pregnant with my third kid, and the husband and I got this crazy idea to move houses.

[1007] I am currently in a whale state where I'd rather lie around and not move, but listening to Conan's podcast somehow makes me want to unpack our crap.

[1008] The only problem now is that I'm all cut up and have no new episodes to listen to, but I still have to unpack the master bedroom and dining room.

[1009] Conan, get on it and get this pregnant woman new episode stat so she can finish unpacking her house before the baby comes.

[1010] of one month.

[1011] Oh, my God.

[1012] This is Sonia?

[1013] Is her name?

[1014] Red Sonia.

[1015] Red Sonia.

[1016] Not so Red Sonia.

[1017] Oh, not so Red Sonia.

[1018] Well, whatever.

[1019] Listen, not so Red Sonia.

[1020] Coming into the rescue, I suppose.

[1021] I want to help you get through this move.

[1022] First of all, congratulations.

[1023] A third child.

[1024] My wife, after the birth of our second child, turned to me and said, never touch me again.

[1025] And I haven't.

[1026] We have two beautiful children But she just wasn't up for third Third is intimidating That's amazing So I could see This is This is quite a task for you And I'm glad that I'm able to help I really am glad How much of the house is unpacked And why should you have to help at all If you're eight months pregnant?

[1027] Oh, good question.

[1028] And who knows by now She could be breastfeeding Or like it's a newborn or something Right, by the time this comes out Yeah Yeah Yeah, I don't think she should be helping at all No I don't think she should be doing any unpacking.

[1029] Now, very few people know this, but I am a trained and licensed obstetrician.

[1030] And I, seriously, and I don't think it was what I majored in in college.

[1031] And I don't think it was history and literature of America and obstetrics.

[1032] I don't think that's, okay.

[1033] Yeah.

[1034] Actually, you think if you replay that, you'll hear that I didn't say obstetrics correctly, which might be a giveaway that I'm lying.

[1035] No, I don't think in the eight months she should be moving around.

[1036] And I wonder, what's her husband doing?

[1037] doing.

[1038] Yeah, good question.

[1039] Maybe by the third one, you're, you know what's up.

[1040] Yeah.

[1041] So you're like, I can unpack a house.

[1042] I can do this.

[1043] That's true.

[1044] It depends on how much stuff they have.

[1045] Listen, I don't know what it is about the sound of my voice that makes you want to physically take things out of boxes and move them and keep busy.

[1046] Now that you could take it as a compliment that, oh, this is so nice.

[1047] She likes listening to the podcast.

[1048] But she doesn't find it soothing, clearly, because you don't listen to a soothing podcast when you unpack.

[1049] You listen to something that adjudicate.

[1050] excites, maybe even angers, gives you the energy to unpack that lava lab, to unpack that beanbag chair.

[1051] That's right, those things have to be packed carefully, so they're not damaged.

[1052] You have to unpack all that stuff, and so my voice might be an irritant.

[1053] This may not be a compliment.

[1054] Maybe she wants to listen to you because you might induce her labor.

[1055] Yes.

[1056] Maybe your voice agitates her to the point where the baby just wants to come out.

[1057] Yeah, like acts of trauma can induce labor.

[1058] You know, you guys are joking around, but both of our children were a long time coming out, and the doctor said that I should speak as much as possible.

[1059] They said the child will come out eventually just to end your, he called it a nasly twang, a reedy, irritating twang.

[1060] The baby wants to evacuate the womb.

[1061] Yes, the baby wanted out of the womb for the relative harmony of a room that you might not be in.

[1062] So I was then asked after both our children were born, could I stick around and could I read from Melville's Moby Dick and try and induce other women?

[1063] And I did that and I made $600 a pop.

[1064] And that's why I wasn't on the air for a lot of pretty much 2006 to 2008.

[1065] You'll notice there's like a two -year gap where I was just reading to women who needed a baby out.

[1066] Since this podcast came out, there's been a spike in birth rates.

[1067] Yeah.

[1068] Early premature birth.

[1069] People are giving birth who weren't even pregnant.

[1070] Oh, my water broke.

[1071] Yeah.

[1072] Oh, look, that tumor just left my body.

[1073] Why?

[1074] What happened?

[1075] Did you take some kind of miracle chemo?

[1076] No. Conan O 'Brien's voice played.

[1077] And the cancerous cell said, you know what?

[1078] We'll take our chances on that hot concrete sidewalk over there.

[1079] rather than listen to this needy freak for another second.

[1080] So that's why sometimes when I'm walking down the street, you see little cancers crawling as they die, move across the sidewalk.

[1081] They can move?

[1082] Yeah, they're crawling on little amoebic legs and saying, we'll take our chances here.

[1083] Maybe a bus will come.

[1084] You've got cancer afraid.

[1085] I didn't say afraid, irritate it.

[1086] Okay.

[1087] No one fears me, but I can irritate it.

[1088] That's going to be the tagline on my poster.

[1089] So anyway, I'm sure you've had the baby now just listening to my voice.

[1090] And congratulations to all the new parents out there.

[1091] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[1092] With Sonam O 'Sessian and Conan O 'Brien as himself.

[1093] Produced by me, Matt Goreley.

[1094] Executive produced by Adam Sacks and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf.

[1095] Theme song by The White Stripes.

[1096] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivina.

[1097] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[1098] The show is engineered by Will Bechtin.

[1099] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review featured on a future episode.

[1100] Got a question for Conan?

[1101] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

[1102] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[1103] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcast.

[1104] are downloaded.

[1105] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.