When Your Child Thrashes About—Teach Them To Be Responsible

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[22] Are you tired of micromanaging your kids?

[23] Are you tired of trying to handle like everything and fix everything?

[24] and manage everybody's emotions.

[25] Of course you are.

[26] And that's why you're listening to the Calm Parenting Podcast.

[27] And we're going to deal with that today.

[28] I'm going to give you a really cool tool for you to use that you're really going to love that is going to work wonders in your family, but it's going to be hard for you because you and I have control issues and a lot of anxiety.

[29] But I'm going to show you how to do this and it's really, really important.

[30] So welcome.

[31] If you're new to the Calm Parenting Podcast, my name is Kirk Martin.

[32] I'm founder of Celebrate Calm.

[33] You can find.

[34] find us at celebrate calm .com.

[35] If you need help with anything, email us, reach out to us.

[36] We're a family.

[37] We're not a business or an organization.

[38] We're a family like yours who loves helping other families.

[39] It's not a business.

[40] It is a passion of ours.

[41] And we take everything seriously that you email to us.

[42] You know, just before I did the podcast, Casey was texting me. He's on the road today.

[43] And he's like, well, are you going to answer that question?

[44] Because I really needed help with that.

[45] When people email us, you're opening up to us.

[46] You're being vulnerable about what you're struggling with.

[47] And so we really wrestle with your issues and try to email very quickly, very, very quickly, with very thoughtful response and hopefully some strategies, some insights that will help you.

[48] We try to direct people to the right resources, right?

[49] To help you, we can do that even within your budget.

[50] We're here to help you.

[51] So email Casey, C -A -S -E -Y, at S -L -E -E -E -Y, at S -L -E -E -E -E -E -R.

[52] Celebrate Calm .com, and he is our strong will child who will help you out, and he's awesome with people.

[53] By the way, I have control issues.

[54] I see every single email that comes through Celebrate Calm, because this is what we built based on decades now.

[55] But you know what it was built on?

[56] It was built on, one, our experience with Casey, right?

[57] Because he's a really challenging kid.

[58] Our experience changing ourselves.

[59] And that continues to this day.

[60] For those of you who are young, just realize the older you get, the more you realize how messed up and flawed you are.

[61] And then you embrace that and you change and it's very, very liberating.

[62] So if you're resisting that, which most men do, because most of the emails are like, well, my husband just thinks that, you know, punishing for bad behavior and giving consequence is going to help.

[63] And I just had that email.

[64] The kids are 11 and 13.

[65] I'm like, dude, it hasn't worked for 11 years.

[66] Like, don't you think that if that approach were going to work with these particular kids, you would have seen some progress by now, but you've been doing the same thing because it's my way or the highway approach and I'm going to show them and they need to respect me. That was me. I did that for nine years with Casey.

[67] And then I finally figured out it doesn't work.

[68] And so I took a different approach, controlling myself and learning how his brain worked and how he was oriented in life.

[69] And I figured that out.

[70] And then everything went much better.

[71] And so I'm a guy.

[72] I'm pretty practical.

[73] I thought, hmm, that other way that I've done it, not working.

[74] Hasn't worked.

[75] What makes me think that one day it's going to kick in and work because that's all I've ever known?

[76] And then I try to different way and it worked and I'm like well maybe I should do the other way right like it's not it is brain science actually I was going to say it's not brains well actually is brain science so this is all backed up by brain science but my focus is on very practical stuff and then we had 1500 kids come into our home over the course of a decade the most challenging kids we had kids fly in from Norway.

[77] We had kids from overseas coming to our home where we put kids in everyday situations and told them to do things and we changed plans on them and we put them with other irritating kids so they fought over things and we tried to play games with them, which as you know is a recipe for disaster.

[78] We took them out in public.

[79] We did all kinds of things so that we put them in situations where they would melt down and freak out and have anxiety and social skills issues and all of that so we could work on it in the moment.

[80] And so I want to teach you a really important lesson that we learned early on both with our son and all the kids we work with.

[81] And this is if you get the calm parenting package.

[82] By the way, you know the cool thing about having your own business?

[83] We make up our own rules.

[84] So Mother's Day has passed what we talked about this weekend.

[85] As a family we decided, let's keep running the Mother's Day sale because we're getting awesome testimonials this weekend from people are like we just started doing what you said to do and it's working a lot better it's changing our relationship so we're like okay so we're just going to extend this for another week so if you get the programs the first one we always recommend beginning with is called enjoy your strong will child stop the power struggles from morning to midnight here's why One of the third big principle on their lesson is this.

[86] It's called stepping back.

[87] I want you to step back so that your child can step up.

[88] And this is a very important principle.

[89] It's hard for you with control issues, but you've got to do it.

[90] Because watch, when we control our kids or micromanage them, we rob them.

[91] We rob them of the satisfaction that comes from making good decisions on their own or developing the internal resources to learn from bad decisions.

[92] See, our parents usually gave us a lot of space.

[93] We were outside running around.

[94] We were making all kinds of decisions by ourselves, and we learned from that.

[95] They weren't micromanaging us.

[96] Now, some of your parents did, and you didn't like that.

[97] When you step back as a parent, it gives your kids space to step up.

[98] When you step back from micromanaging, look, most of the stuff that you're doing and I did is micromanaging.

[99] Well, no, I'm just teaching them.

[100] No, you're not.

[101] You're lecturing them and you're micromanaging them and you're controlling them.

[102] This is not talking about being permissive, not at all.

[103] I have very clear boundaries and expectations, but I'm giving kids space so that they can step up.

[104] and learn to be responsible for themselves.

[105] See, as long as you're being responsible for your child's behavior, they're not.

[106] When you step back from controlling your child's emotions in the moment, it gives them space to step up and learn how to manage their own emotions.

[107] But the truth is, we get really uncomfortable when our kids are getting really emotional.

[108] Look, moms, we do that to our kids.

[109] guess what happens in your marriage?

[110] Your husband dismisses your emotions because he's uncomfortable with them.

[111] Right?

[112] It's just what we do.

[113] When you step back from standing over your child demanding absolute compliance in the moment, it liberates your child to step up and make good choices and to control themselves.

[114] Not because you're standing there threatening with a consequence, but because it's the right thing to do.

[115] See, as long as you're managing their choices and lives for them, your kids never have an opportunity to make independent choices and learn from them.

[116] As long as you continue to micromanage your kids, they will grow more and more frustrated, resentful, and angry.

[117] And here's why this is important for your kids.

[118] Strong -willed kids, we call them stove -touchers.

[119] See, you tell a compliant child, the stove is hot, and she'll thank you for the insight.

[120] You tell a strong -willed child that the stove is hot, she's going to run to the kitchen and put her face, not her hand, on that stove.

[121] She has to learn by doing and touching the hard way.

[122] She must experience some pain in life from her own choices, and it's actually good.

[123] for her.

[124] It's how my son learns best.

[125] It's how I learn best.

[126] And we handicap our kids when we don't give them space to touch the hot stove.

[127] You know what I'm saying metaphorically.

[128] Unless you step back and give your kids an opportunity to make mistakes and learn from them, they'll never really grow up.

[129] So if you really want to change your strong will child's responses very quickly, step back, give them some ownership.

[130] Let me tell you a story.

[131] So this is a couple of years ago.

[132] We're in Fort Benning, Georgia.

[133] We're training drill sergeants and their families.

[134] How cool is that?

[135] We're training people whose job is to yell at their recruits.

[136] And then a few minutes later on base, they're back in their home.

[137] And their kids have them pick up the Legos.

[138] Well, guess what the drill sergeants are going to do in their home?

[139] And they're awesome people.

[140] So this really good mom came out to, we did an evening workshop, and we're doing live workshops again, thankfully.

[141] So email Casey and we'll come to your school, church, synagogue, mosque, adoption agency, whatever, homeschool conference.

[142] I don't care where you are as long as there people there that need to change.

[143] We'll come and speak.

[144] We'd love doing it.

[145] So she'd come out the previous night because usually we'll do, sometimes we'll do an evening workshop, we'll often do Casey will speak to kids during the school day because he does school assemblies teach kids how to control their emotions and then I'll do often do teacher training in the afternoon and then we'll do a parent workshop at night and sometimes we'll do a morning workshop for parents as well and so the mom came that morning and she told me this story she said when I got up this morning my daughter marched downstairs filled with drama I don't know what I want to eat I don't know what I want to wear I don't know where my homework is.

[146] And so this mom's first instinct, like all of us, is, was to jump in and solve the problem.

[147] Okay, honey, listen, I'll make you breakfast and I'll lay out your clothes.

[148] You just go look for your homework.

[149] Because sometimes that's easier than dealing with your child's emotions and wondering if they'll be able to handle it on their own.

[150] So sometimes we jump in and solve problems for our kids.

[151] But if we're honest, we're not really doing it for them, are we?

[152] We're doing it for ourselves, right?

[153] Because that's just easier for us, but it ends up handicapping our kids.

[154] And again, you know, I don't do blame.

[155] I don't do guilt or judgment.

[156] I just want us to be honest about what we're doing so we can change ourselves, which in turn will change your child.

[157] Instead of jumping in and solving this situation for her daughter, this mom stepped back.

[158] And I learned to physically sometimes take a step backwards just as a reminder.

[159] And it just changed something because you know how this works.

[160] When your kids are, even when they're talking back to you, my instinct, I'm going to step forward.

[161] I'm going to get in my son's face.

[162] As he got taller, he was getting a little bit close to getting physical.

[163] And I didn't want that.

[164] So I stepped back.

[165] So this mom stepped back, she looked at her daughter and said, matter of fact ,ly, I believe you're capable of handling this yourself.

[166] Then mom walked away and started to drink.

[167] I'm just kidding.

[168] She didn't.

[169] But you're just going to feel like it, but don't do that.

[170] So like your kids, her daughter stomped upstairs.

[171] And that's grating on you, isn't it?

[172] Where is her gratitude?

[173] How dare she begin the day in such a huff.

[174] Then this little girl went up to her bedroom, and guess what she did?

[175] Slammed her bedroom door and began slamming her dresser doors open and shut, looking for the right clothes because she's so particular.

[176] And that's when you want to stomp upstairs yourself and yell, you don't have to respect me, young lady, but you're going to respect my furniture.

[177] Right?

[178] You've done that, haven't you?

[179] Right?

[180] We all have.

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[190] So this mom stepped back and gave her daughter some space, write down the word space and big letters, give them a little bit of space to work through her own frustration without a mom standing over her, barking about what emotion she can and cannot have.

[191] have about how she needs to be grateful about how you should have planned better for the morning and if you had, you wouldn't be all frustrated.

[192] How many times do we do that?

[193] And that is, look, that has nothing to do with your child.

[194] That has everything to do with you, with me, because I don't like the way she does it.

[195] And if she was more of a planner, and if she was more like me, she would have done it.

[196] No, that's all about you, and that's your issue.

[197] And the moment of your liberation comes, the sooner you stop putting everything, this is not directed and anger at you, but with some passion to get through, and especially if some dads are listening to this, the sooner you stop pointing the finger at your difficult, challenging child and start controlling and changing yourself, the sooner you will be happier in life.

[198] And the sooner you will see this child step up and be responsible for himself and herself.

[199] And the sooner you will stop with all the power struggles.

[200] I will tell you, I've done this for 20 years.

[201] I will bet you whatever amount you want that 70 % of the power struggles in your home originate with your own control issues and anxiety and your difficulty with dealing with other people's emotions and wanting them to stop it.

[202] It's your issue.

[203] That is not guilt or blame.

[204] That is liberating because the only person, the one person in this life that you have control over is yourself so the really really good news moms and dads is this 70 % of situations then are in your control but not by controlling your child but by simply controlling yourself We're going to be speaking at this big homeschool conference in a couple weeks.

[205] And one of my first messages is, if you can't control yourself, how can you expect your kids to control themselves?

[206] So, moms, think about it.

[207] When you have a bad day, you don't want your husband standing over you, lecturing you about how you should just be grateful for everything you have.

[208] sometimes you just need some space to work through it, right?

[209] So after about 10 minutes of thrashing around, her daughter emerged from her room, walked down the stairs with a smile on her face as if nothing had happened.

[210] And that's a huge trigger for you, isn't it, parents?

[211] Because that's the way your kids are.

[212] They can thrash around and throw things and be upset and call you stupid.

[213] and six minutes later walked downstairs as if nothing had happened.

[214] And you're waiting angry, waiting for the apology for their bad attitude, waiting for it.

[215] And guess what?

[216] You're going to be waiting a long time.

[217] Because they pulled themselves together in that moment.

[218] And this isn't what I was going to say, but I want to say it.

[219] In that moment, I understand you're waiting.

[220] They should come down and say, Mom, I'm really sorry that earlier I was out of control and I hadn't planned well and I blamed you because I couldn't pick out my own clothes and I'm really sorry for that.

[221] I know you're waiting for that and sure they should say that, but they're not right now because they don't have the maturity, emotional maturity to do it.

[222] And this almost, I'm feeling a little choked up.

[223] When things trigger me a little bit inside like this emotional, I know it's important.

[224] What I really want you to see in that moment, because this girl came downstairs.

[225] As if nothing had happened, said, mom, I've got it taken care of.

[226] Have a good day.

[227] And I know inside you're fuming like, what just happened?

[228] But instead of standing there indignantly waiting for that apology that's owed to you, instead, what I want you to look at is, here was a kid who 10 minutes ago was out of control because she's got a busy brain because she is more emotional, probably more creative, and everything feels like it's out of control in her life and she was thrashing about.

[229] But she pulled herself together and what we miss in the moment is a huge opportunity to say, honey, that was really cool because you went from being really frustrated to pulling yourself together.

[230] That was awesome, right?

[231] How many moments do we miss because we're spending all this time trying to get, well, I just, I needed an apology.

[232] Why, you're a grown -up.

[233] So, guess what?

[234] Grow up.

[235] It's not all about you.

[236] Well, but I need to turn her teacher out of apology.

[237] I promised your kids, once they calm down, they will apologize.

[238] And I'll throw this out there.

[239] And you may not like it, but I believe it to be true.

[240] The fact that she went up to her room and found her stuff and pulled herself together, that was her apology.

[241] She's not going to come down and use the words.

[242] Who wants to read?

[243] live what they just did.

[244] Mom, you know, I was just a few minutes ago.

[245] I was just out of control and I called you bad names and it was really immature of me because what I found early in my life is I'm not in great in control of, I'm not in control of myself a lot and so I say things and do things and I get in trouble a lot and I feel really bad about myself and I actually feel like you don't like me that much because you like my brother better because he gets better, gets ready better than I do and so I really have a lot of shame inside and so I just want to tell you that I'm sorry.

[246] Who the is going to say that, right?

[247] What kid can say that?

[248] And so, look, it's almost, if you get inside the head of the kid instead of in your own thing of like, and I get it, you want to teach your kids the right thing, like, well, she needs to apologize.

[249] That was her way of apologizing.

[250] She went upstairs, and so she banged a couple dressers and drawers.

[251] Guess what?

[252] I'm 55.

[253] Occasionally, I bang stuff.

[254] And I know it makes my family uncomfortable.

[255] I'm not doing it a lot because I got control of myself.

[256] But I do it occasionally.

[257] It happens.

[258] And I don't need someone popping their head in the room saying, everything okay in here, Mr. Calm Guy?

[259] No, what I need is some space to work through it.

[260] And do you know when I come out of the room, if I was banging a couple things around.

[261] I don't come out like a peacock all proud of myself.

[262] Like, look what the Mr. Calm guy did.

[263] He banged some things around, but now I'm calm.

[264] No, I'm sheepish.

[265] I'm ashamed of the fact that I lost it over something small.

[266] Because that's when I lose it.

[267] I don't lose it over big stuff.

[268] I lose it over little stuff.

[269] And you know what I feel like afterwards?

[270] Ashamed.

[271] You think I want to walk out in front of my wife or front of Casey or people that I love and look and say like, hmm, pretty proud of myself, like that little moment I had there?

[272] No, I don't want to relive it either.

[273] So I come out and I humble myself and I'm hoping they don't want, well, honey, do you want to talk?

[274] Do you want to talk about that moment that you had back there?

[275] Yeah, I'd like to relive it again.

[276] Why don't you look me in the eyes and I can just tell you how I felt like a four -year -old at 55 slamming things because I got upset over something tiny going wrong.

[277] Why don't we just spend like 15 or 20 minutes on so you can teach me my lesson?

[278] Of course I don't.

[279] But I come out and I'm in control of myself and I'm 55 so I'll come out and say, guys, I'm sorry I know that made you uncomfortable.

[280] I'm all good now.

[281] I just needed a moment, right?

[282] And their appropriate response is, thanks for not making it like 20 moments, right?

[283] then we move on, but we don't have to talk about it.

[284] Parents, we think we have, well, we need to talk about it.

[285] We need to make everything a lesson.

[286] No, you don't.

[287] Unless you don't want your kids ever freaking talking to you again and hiding things.

[288] No, respect the fact that this little girl was up in her room, banging around and thrashing and sat around emotionally herself.

[289] You don't think she was up there.

[290] you don't think she was up there inside like why can't I control myself my brother and sister get ready on time and I'm the only one who struggles with picking out the right clothes and I'm never happy with the food and I'm not happy with myself you don't think she's beating herself up enough she doesn't need that and dads please please you don't have to reinforce everything they do wrong what if instead you send her a little nose that day and said, you know it was cool this morning?

[291] I know you struggled, but you pulled yourself out of it.

[292] And guess what?

[293] I don't even do that all the time.

[294] I wish I was more like you.

[295] And what you did this morning was awesome, right?

[296] And so spending all day waiting until she gets home, well, when, because that's why you get the email.

[297] Well, she had this moment this morning and she was thrashing about and calling us names.

[298] You know, we need to have a talk about that how should we have a talk about when should we have a talk about it was like you spent your whole day obsessing over something that your daughter spent the day at school ashamed of herself for knowing when she got home there was going to be the big talk and a mom or dad or worse both parents were going to have to sit her down and talk about that episode this morning what do you think she was afraid of all day great it's like i tell parents you want me to come over to your house and just follow you around for 24 hours and pick out every single thing that you did wrong.

[299] How about every single bad thought you had toward other people while you were driving at the store?

[300] Every judgment you have another person.

[301] What if we just sat you down and we talked about that and we gave you an apology to a chance to apologize for that?

[302] Right?

[303] That's what we do a lot.

[304] And I know you do it out of a good heart because you think, well, we've got to teach her.

[305] Kids know this stuff.

[306] She didn't go off the school like, nope, showed my mom by banging stuff around and showing that I was a three -year -old.

[307] Of course she didn't.

[308] And she pulled herself together.

[309] And so do you realize what a gift this mother gave her daughter?

[310] You know what she was communicating?

[311] I believe in you.

[312] I believe that you're capable.

[313] I respect you enough to believe that you have the internal.

[314] resources necessary to handle tough situations in life without me fixing it for you.

[315] See, that builds confidence, that builds resilience in your child.

[316] It builds a sense of accomplishment.

[317] See, what was beautiful about the scene was it didn't look pretty at first.

[318] It was pretty ugly.

[319] But by the end of the scene, this daughter had accomplished something.

[320] that maybe she'd never accomplished before.

[321] She was given the space to pull herself together, and she did.

[322] And now she has the knowledge that she's responsible for her choices in life.

[323] That is a beautiful gift.

[324] See, there's so much respect in this.

[325] I respect you, son, enough to believe that you're capable of handling disappointment, of handling boredom without me fixing everything, for you because you have what it takes inside to handle that.

[326] I respect you enough to believe you're capable of handling disappointment without me fixing the situation for you.

[327] But see, the opposite is true.

[328] When we micromanage our children, what we're really saying is I don't believe you're capable.

[329] You're not capable.

[330] You need me to fix this situation for you.

[331] And when you try to micromanage a strong will child, you will cause them to resist more.

[332] So maybe, as we close this up, apologize to your kids.

[333] Look, honey, out of a good heart and good intentions, I've led you to believe you aren't capable of being successful on your own.

[334] Do I micromanage?

[335] Do I lecture too much?

[336] Do I try to tell you what to do all the time?

[337] Yeah, I'm sorry for that.

[338] From now on, I'm going to step back and I'm going to give you some space.

[339] And I'm going to respect the fact that you are capable.

[340] But here's the most important part of the story to me. Look what this mom really communicated to her child.

[341] I can handle it when you aren't your best self.

[342] That's awesome moms and dads.

[343] I can handle it when you're not your best self.

[344] I can deal with your emotions and give you space to work through it.

[345] So if you ever need anything or just want to bear your soul, If you need help, wrestling through something in life, I'm a safe place for you.

[346] And that's important when your child's four.

[347] It's important when they're nine.

[348] It's really important when they're 14 and 16 so that they come to you for help instead of going to social media or their friends.

[349] Or when they're really young, instead of burying it.

[350] or starting to do self -destructive behaviors.

[351] I want them to know I have a mom and dad or a mom or dad, whatever your family situation is.

[352] I have a parent who can handle me when I'm having a rough time.

[353] I have a parent who can control himself or herself, and now I know I can do the same.

[354] That is a big goal this week.

[355] you're going to have to work hard at that this week.

[356] This is breaking a lot of patterns that you and I have had for a long time of stepping in.

[357] So let's practice that this week.

[358] Practice it of stepping back, giving space, saying, I believe you're capable of handling this.

[359] And watch, watch as your kids grow in responsibility for themselves.

[360] Watch as your relationship gets better.

[361] If you need to apologize to them, do so.

[362] That's called honesty and integrity, and that's called modeling appropriate behavior for your kids.

[363] And remember, I didn't even plan this when I was thinking about this podcast.

[364] Remember when they pull themselves out of it, even if it was a hard, hard morning, and it didn't start well.

[365] But then it ended well.

[366] Stop waiting for some big apology and reliving the shame.

[367] And instead acknowledge and say, that was really cool.

[368] How did you do that?

[369] Because in case you haven't noticed, sometimes I spot.

[370] Sometimes I get really upset, and I want to learn what did you do because you pulled it together, honey, and that was a beautiful thing.

[371] And I wish I was more like you sometimes.

[372] That will change your home.

[373] I encourage you to work on this.

[374] If we can help you with it, either go on the website, celebrate calm, get everything package is on sale for Mother's Day.

[375] The Calm parenting package is on sale.

[376] Just about everything is on sale.

[377] It shouldn't even have to be on sale, because look, for $100, $1 .97 for the Calm Parenting Package, or I think it's $1 .79.

[378] I don't even know right now.

[379] It's on sale.

[380] And get everything is, it's the price of a trip to see a therapist.

[381] But if you can do this, if you can start doing this, it changes you forever.

[382] It's really, really cool.

[383] I'm proud of you for listening.

[384] I appreciate it.

[385] I hope you'll share this.

[386] And if we can help you, email KCCA -S -C -E -Y at celebratecom .com.

[387] We'll help you.

[388] We'll help your family.

[389] do things within your budget.

[390] Whatever you need, we want to be here for you and change because this is about changing generational patterns, which is really, really cool.

[391] Okay, love you all.

[392] Thanks.

[393] Bye -bye.