Calm Parenting Podcast XX
[0] So if you follow us on Instagram, you'll notice that all of our videos are filmed from mountain peaks we've hiked.
[1] And what powers me is my AG1.
[2] For years, I've enjoyed the same morning routine.
[3] I mix one scoop of AG1 with water, shake it.
[4] And the first thing I put in my body is 75 vitamins, probiotics, prebiotics, and whole food sourced ingredients.
[5] Check out a special offer at drinkag1 .com slash calm.
[6] Ag1 lets you build a healthy daily habit that takes less than one minute and promotes gut health, supports immunity, and boosts energy.
[7] AG1 is a supplement I trust to provide the support my body needs daily.
[8] And that's why I'm excited that AG1 continues to be our partner.
[9] If you want to take ownership of your health, it starts with AG1.
[10] Try AG1 and get a free one -year supply of vitamin D3 and K2 and five free AG1 travel.
[11] packs with your first purchase exclusively at drinkag1 .com slash calm.
[12] That's drinkag1 .com slash calm.
[13] Check it out.
[14] Hey moms, we talk on the podcast all the time about making self -care a priority because when you're tired and you don't feel like yourself, it's hard to be that calm mom you want to be.
[15] That's why I'm excited to introduce Happy Mammoth, creators of all natural products such as hormone harmony.
[16] Hormone harmony contains science -backed herbal extracts called adaptogens.
[17] Adaptogens help the body adapt to any stressors, like chaotic hormonal changes that happen naturally throughout a woman's life.
[18] Hormone harmony is for any woman with symptoms of hormonal changes, such as poor sleep and racing thoughts, even night sweats and feeling tired all the time.
[19] I feel like myself again.
[20] That's what women say over and over again in reviews of hormone harmony.
[21] It's time to feel like yourself again, moms.
[22] For a limited time, you can get 15 % off on your entire first order at happy mammoth .com with the code calm at checkout.
[23] That's happy mammoth .com with the code calm.
[24] So when you were thinking about having kids or adopting, you weren't like, you know what, I bet we're going to have really challenging kids, and they're going to fight us over everything.
[25] And every day is going to be a power struggle.
[26] And then you and I are going to begin to not like each other very much because we didn't really discuss our parenting styles and what our childhood was like.
[27] And then all of a sudden, we're going to pull apart.
[28] We're going to fight each other.
[29] And the kids are going to divide us.
[30] And then our whole home life is going to be miserable.
[31] Like you didn't have that thought.
[32] But it's kind of what's happened, right?
[33] So how do you fix that?
[34] How do we change that?
[35] The original idea of this podcast was going to be titled, three quick ideas for dads.
[36] But these ideas work for moms.
[37] And I don't want to give you just three ideas.
[38] I actually just thought of a couple other bonus ones.
[39] So here they are.
[40] And part of the backdrop is you have these kids.
[41] And in many cases, in my case, I began to pull away from my son because I didn't like him and because I couldn't control myself.
[42] And when you don't have a relationship, you can't discipline because they're not going to listen to you.
[43] And I had to rebuild that relationship.
[44] A couple quick ideas for rebuilding.
[45] One is music.
[46] Take an interest, in your child's music.
[47] I know.
[48] You hate their music.
[49] It's awful.
[50] Just like your parents hated your music and their parents hated theirs.
[51] You don't have to encourage it, but at least be curious and ask your child why they like that music.
[52] Listen to it sometimes.
[53] Just try that.
[54] It's a good way to bond.
[55] Another way.
[56] Ask your child to teach you something.
[57] Because our kids go through their entire childhood, teachers, parents, coaches, leaders, teaching them, teaching them, telling what to do, lecturing.
[58] Give them an opportunity.
[59] Say, you know what, I'm curious.
[60] could you help me with this?
[61] Could you show me how that works?
[62] I have a dad that I was working with and he doesn't like Apple products.
[63] He doesn't like MacBooks.
[64] And so he's a Microsoft guy and security thing for him.
[65] But his son loves Apple products.
[66] Well, he digs in because he's a man. And that's what we do.
[67] We're like, well, those things aren't saving.
[68] I'm not going to talk about those.
[69] I was like, just take an interest, just say, hey, you're really curious about these Apple and these MacBooks.
[70] Why?
[71] What are you curious about them for?
[72] Why do you like the functionality and just listener let them teach you how to do something on your phone let them teach you it is a way to bond and it's really cool so with that said let's get into the real meat of this what i was looking to on this podcast for those who don't know i'm kirk martin founder of celebrate calm you can find us at celebrate calm .com backstory a very strong -willed son almost destroyed our relationship but by learning how to control myself first i rebuilt that relationship and we have an awesome relationship and he is a tough kid, but I'm also a tough dad.
[73] And we had 1 ,500 of these strong -will kids in our home.
[74] So the short story is we know what we're doing with these kids and this stuff works.
[75] So dig in and do it.
[76] If you need help reach out to that kid, Casey.
[77] That's our son, C -A -S -E -Y, Celebrate Calm .com.
[78] Tell us about your family.
[79] We'll help you out.
[80] Go on to celebrate Calm, get the Calm Parenting Package.
[81] Why?
[82] Because it'll help your family.
[83] Now, if you want to be miserable and continue ruining your relationship, then don't do that.
[84] But if you want really practical stuff that works, in the Calm Parenting package, there's a program called Straight Talk for Dads, because I like talking directly to dads, and that's what I'm going to do right now.
[85] I like giving you on the Straight Talk for dads.
[86] It's 24 hours of when you get up in the morning, do this.
[87] When you come home from work, do this, and I give you scripts to use.
[88] It's really cool.
[89] So three things for dads.
[90] Moms, you can apply two.
[91] One, men respect other men who are cool and calm under pressure, right?
[92] If you're in a middle of a war, you don't want your platoon captains saying, oh my gosh, you're shooting us.
[93] What do we do?
[94] but we often flail right as parents sometimes as dads we do that if you like football you want your football team's quarterback to stay cool and calm under pressure because if your team is down by two touchdowns in the fourth quarterback fourth quarter you don't want your quarterback coming into the huddle you know we're down by two touchdowns you don't know it route to run you you don't you keep fumbling let's go score nobody's following that guy you want the guy who walks into the huddle confidently takes a knee by the way for dads of younger kids come home from work or out of your home office and take a knee.
[95] It changes your body posture and your tone of voice and you lead your kids from that posture.
[96] It's really cool.
[97] Just try.
[98] And that quarterback says, guys, we're down by two touchdowns.
[99] We're going to march down the field, execute our place, score, get the ball back.
[100] We're going to score again.
[101] And the best quarterbacks you will see them, they don't get flustered on the field.
[102] Men, moms too.
[103] When we're at work, we can handle the pressure.
[104] Something's wrong.
[105] Sales are down.
[106] Competitors coming in.
[107] We have to problem solve and we kick and we're like you know what i'm going to dig into this i'm going to problem solve i'll stay in work for 24 hours i'm going to solve this problem because we're good at that for some reason we open the front door of our homes and we lose it they're just legos on the floor and we can't handle the disorder and we start yelling there's a problem and we run from it or we try to use fear and intimidation like i did it doesn't work so here's an idea come home and talk to your kids like they're a business colleague.
[108] Because at work, you don't freak out on your employees or your colleagues.
[109] Otherwise, they don't trust you and they won't follow you.
[110] That younger employee, what do you do?
[111] You take him or her under your wing and you walk down the hallway and you say, you know what?
[112] You're doing a really good job.
[113] Here are a couple areas where you need to step up, but I believe you're capable.
[114] So this week, be the coach.
[115] Try being a coach of your child because what are we as men?
[116] Well, I just have to be the strict disciplinarian, and I'm going to take everything personally and think everything my son does or daughter does, they're just disrespecting me because I get offended easily like an NFL wide receiver.
[117] Now look, if you're offended at that, then you've got to work on that because you are like that.
[118] You know why?
[119] Because you're a man. That's the definition of a dad.
[120] That's what we all do.
[121] But you need to change that, right?
[122] And so instead of just thinking like, well, my job is just to discipline all the time.
[123] No, your job is to teach.
[124] Discipline needs to teach, but we're usually punishing and getting upset.
[125] And what we're really telling our kids is you better behave because if you don't, I'm going to get angry and yell.
[126] True?
[127] It's what we teach our kids.
[128] I want to teach them.
[129] I know what's going on.
[130] I can handle this.
[131] I got it.
[132] You're having a problem in school.
[133] You're having a problem with your friends.
[134] Look, I've been through this stuff before.
[135] Let me give you some of my wisdom.
[136] That's a coaching kind of thing.
[137] And I think it'll take some of the pressure off of you.
[138] Second thing, I like this analogy.
[139] So I'm doing a phone consultation with the dad.
[140] I'm doing a lot of phone one -on -one stuff with men now because I love it.
[141] We'll set up like 20 minutes, just 20 minutes because guys, we can get to a lot of stuff very quickly.
[142] You don't need to go through all your stuff.
[143] Just like, hey, tell me what to do.
[144] And I'm like, here's a script.
[145] Go do this, dad.
[146] Fist bump.
[147] Good.
[148] And so I'm doing this a lot like once a week or every two weeks on a certain time of the day.
[149] Or I'm doing stuff I'm texting guys.
[150] Every two days like hey remember this do this so talked to this dad and he's not he's not really buying into it he's not getting he's like well my son just needs to do what I told him to do I was like I get that but you can't control yourself so I pivoted and I was like hey I'm just curious what kind of jobs have you had what do you do and he goes well I used to be animal welfare and I was like oh so like dogs that are out in a while like you had a dog catcher and he's like yeah and I was like hey that's interesting so I'm curious If you had a wild dog out in the neighborhood and you had to go find it, how did you approach the dog?
[151] And he's like, well, you know, you can't just come running up onto it because then it'll create a defensive response and it'll attack you.
[152] And I was like, interesting.
[153] And he's like, yeah, so you know what you come up and you get down on a knee.
[154] And he was like, oh, I see what you're doing.
[155] I was like, exactly.
[156] you know intuitively what to do with a dog who is angry and afraid because that dog is angry and afraid and that's why it's lashing out and guess what your child is probably angry and a little bit afraid so what if you took the same approach to approaching your child that you did in your job his other job was guess what a fireman guess what a fireman does he puts out fires so we went through the whole process of like, hey, when there was a fire, you knew what you were going to do.
[157] You had a process.
[158] You didn't like run right into the building.
[159] You problem solved.
[160] You figured out.
[161] You had a routine.
[162] So next time your child is emotionally on fire, why don't you have a routine?
[163] And why don't you problem solve?
[164] And why don't you put out the emotional fire like you did as a fireman?
[165] So guys, moms, think about the job that you're in.
[166] You may be a teacher.
[167] You might be a nurse.
[168] You might be occupational therapist.
[169] You could be a business executive.
[170] You could whatever it is, an engineer, take the same principles that work at work and apply them to working with your child.
[171] You know we like to get to the root of issues beneath the surface.
[172] And it's the same with acne.
[173] Phyla isn't just about fixing acne you can see.
[174] It's about stopping new breakouts in their tracks by getting right into the pores.
[175] Look, acne can be painful, both physically and emotionally.
[176] Whether your child is just starting to get breakouts or has been struggling with them for years, phyla is the safe, effective, side effect -free, and natural product that can help.
[177] Phyla is like a spa treatment for your skin, gentle, no irritation, no dryness, and definitely no harsh chemicals like benzene.
[178] It's safe for kids of all ages and dermatologist approved.
[179] Don't settle for temporary fixes.
[180] acne's root causes.
[181] Get 25 % off your first order of phila with the code calm.
[182] Go to phila .com and type in the code calm.
[183] That's p -h -y -l -a .com and use code word calm.
[184] And then the third thing I want to say is going to be very direct, but it comes from place of compassion.
[185] And I hope you're not offended by this, but sometimes when speaking to men, my tone and language is a little bit more intense.
[186] because that's what I respond to better.
[187] I like a guy who says, you know what?
[188] You've got to grow up, Kirk.
[189] That's what my mentors tell me. So I just told this to a dad on a phone consultation, and I hope you will receive this.
[190] Stop asking your son to deal with your childhood crap that you haven't had the courage and strength to deal with as a grown man. Isn't that true?
[191] You're putting on.
[192] I was putting onto my son who I love and who you love your child.
[193] I was putting all of my childhood that I got from my dad onto my son and expecting him to deal with it when I hadn't had the courage or strength or the tools to deal with that as a grown man. And I'll give you the tools because I say this out of compassion.
[194] Here's another one.
[195] You keep saying your child won't push through when things get hard, but you won't either because you complain that your son won't give his best effort.
[196] Well, neither are you because when things get hard.
[197] Do you know what I did?
[198] I ran and hit because that's what I learned as a kid to hide from conflict because my parents fall all the time.
[199] I want you to dig in.
[200] You want your son to push through when things get hard.
[201] Well, it's time for you to do that.
[202] You keep saying your child is the issue.
[203] Well, it's my child.
[204] He's the issue.
[205] If my daughter would just do.
[206] And you keep denying the dysfunction, you've carried from your own childhood, maybe your mom or your dad.
[207] I promise this will only change when you admit that you need to change yourself first.
[208] Nothing else is going to change.
[209] You have to change yourself first because that's what grown -ups do.
[210] Otherwise, you're dumping on a nine -year -old or a six -year -old or a three -year -old or a 14 -year -old what a 39 -year -old man won't even address.
[211] It's unfair.
[212] It's wrong.
[213] so when you're ready to do this I will help you because I know it's hard work that little boy inside of you and I know that sounds weird to you but there's a little kid inside of you that's hurt it's probably hurt deeply let's not pass this pain onto another person onto another generation so that your own little boy or daughter grows up hurt and does this to his or her own kids right I guarantee you I'm a 56 year old man I'm very confident now.
[214] I've been through a lot of stuff, but I am still a little boy.
[215] Still a little boy looking for my dad's approval at times because I never got it.
[216] That little boy comes out at times and it's hurt.
[217] And I don't want to pass on that pain and all of your issues to another generation.
[218] You get to be the hero now.
[219] You know why I like saying that?
[220] Because I'm a man. I like to be the hero.
[221] So do you, right?
[222] You're the one who gets to stop the pain from passing down through generations in your family.
[223] and you're a fighter, right?
[224] That's what you want to pass along to your kids, man. You've got to work hard.
[225] You've got to push through this.
[226] You're a fighter, and you've done that in your work.
[227] You've done it in a lot of different areas.
[228] It's time to do that and deal with the stuff from your childhood and deal with this as a dad so we can heal that up and so your family can find the heal.
[229] And I'll just say this.
[230] If you don't do it, your wife is going to divorce you and leave you.
[231] She will.
[232] She can't put up with this.
[233] She already has to take care of the kids.
[234] she has to manage the emotions of your strong will child and she has to manage your emotions because you can't that's unsustainable it causes adrenal fatigue it causes women to shut down and they eventually leave and you know what happens all of that time that you put into your work and all that hard work when you busted your butt and you saved and you invented it said half of it's going to be gone and you know it's even worse if you don't change you have to live with yourself for the rest of your life and all your relationships will continue to have this pattern and you will not spend holidays with your kids and your grandkids.
[235] I know it sounds extreme, but it's true.
[236] It's how it works.
[237] But if you dig in because you are a fighter and you work through this, you'll be proud of yourself.
[238] And so were your wife and so were your kids.
[239] And I'm going to see you as a new man. If I can help you, you reach out to us.
[240] Reach out to our son or you reach out to me directly.
[241] Kirk, K -I -R -K, at CelebrateCall .com, and I will work with you.
[242] I'll do phone mentoring with you.
[243] The easiest thing right now is to either go and get the get everything package just get that one it's got everything we put together and it's cheaper than the phone consultations and look it's cost of a trip or two to a therapist office that's it you spend a lot more than that on your all your other stuff that you like to buy change yourself change your family if we can help reach out to us okay thank you for listening talk to you guys soon bye bye