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[0] This is exactly right.
[1] Hey, this is exciting.
[2] An all -new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th.
[3] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster, detectives.
[4] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.
[5] Who killed Saz?
[6] And were they really after Charles?
[7] Why would someone want to kill Charles?
[8] This season, murder hits close to home.
[9] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.
[10] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.
[11] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.
[12] Who knows what will happen once the cameras start to roll?
[13] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfinacus, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, DeVine, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.
[14] Only murders in the building, premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.
[15] Goodbye.
[16] Hello!
[17] Hi, welcome.
[18] To my favorite murder, the minisode.
[19] This is the mini thing, where we read you your show.
[20] shit and you like it should we just jump in let's do it the subject line of this email is sitting in a hot tub with a dead body perfect hello Karen in Georgia when I moved out for college I moved to a large apartment complex in Lake Oswego Oregon it was very bougie and had a tennis court gym pool and a hot tub that was open 24 hours whoa one morning I came home around 8 a .m. from my friend's house to about 20 cop cars at the main building of the complex.
[21] It was a very sleepy area, so this seemed very out of the ordinary.
[22] I pulled into my parking spot and walk up to my apartment and across the breezeway at my neighbor's apartment.
[23] There were about 15 cops going in and out.
[24] One of the officers stopped me and asked if I had seen or heard anything, and I told him that I wasn't home last night.
[25] Cut to the next day, I see on the news that someone had drowned in the hot tub the night before.
[26] my neighbor was in the hot tub with a friend of his after a night of heavy drinking they got into an argument i believe it was over a girl which turns into a fist fight my neighbor gets beat up pretty bad and goes under water struggling to keep his head up my god his friend sits there next to him and watches him drown and doesn't do anything oh my god he then proceeds to sit in the hot tub for another ten minutes before pulling my neighbor's body out of the tub he calls the police and says that he fell asleep in the the hot tub and woke up to my neighbor dead in the hot tub.
[27] What he doesn't realize is that the whole thing was caught on tape.
[28] I couldn't believe something like this happened to the guy across the hall that I would wave to every day when we cross paths.
[29] The worst thing is the next week, the pool house was reopened and when I walked by to get my mail, I noticed a group of kids playing in the exact same hot tub he died in.
[30] Thanks for reading.
[31] I love listening to the podcast.
[32] It makes pushing paper all day way more enjoyable.
[33] Stay sexy and don't get into hot tubs.
[34] they are already dirty enough and you never know if someone's died in it.
[35] No. That's the saddest story.
[36] What a fucking like horrific way to die.
[37] Like not not even like for his family to be like this is what happened.
[38] It's just like inhumane and fucking horrible.
[39] Well, yeah.
[40] And the idea that in this day and age, I mean, I don't know how long ago this happened, but it's like you have to assume you're on tape everywhere you go in public.
[41] You have to.
[42] Yeah.
[43] It's just how it actually is.
[44] But thank God.
[45] Do good things pretending you're not on camera.
[46] Don't just do...
[47] What the fuck?
[48] Oh, that one's going to stick with me, especially because I love the hot tub.
[49] You sure do love a hot tub.
[50] I fucking love a hot tub.
[51] Well, then just be very selective with who you get into it with.
[52] Okay.
[53] It's just you and that cat.
[54] Gus, the jacuzzi cat.
[55] Is that who you speak of?
[56] Okay.
[57] It is.
[58] This one's called SMU, home of the murder pony.
[59] And the seasnakes.
[60] Exactly.
[61] Exactly.
[62] Karen, Georgia, and new hair, Stephen.
[63] Summer hair, Stephen.
[64] As a recent graduate of Southern Methodist University, I am obligated to tell you that our mascot is not the herky sea snakes, but the Mustangs, which is important because we are represented by Peruna the pony, the only mascot to ever murder another mascot.
[65] During a game against the Fordham Rams, the ram in question got too close to our pony, so close that it scared Peruna and he murdered the ram with one kick the murder made Peruna legendary and has united the student body of SMU ever since.
[66] On one Friday afternoon, every spring semester, we celebrate Peruna's birthday with Perunapalooza, the largest party of the year that happens outside on the school lawn with a shit ton of blow -up obstacle courses, mass amounts of junk food, and Peruna himself.
[67] Peruna has special handlers and is available as birthday party to take pictures with.
[68] I wouldn't get too fucking close to that them.
[69] Our campus often feels divided by frat stars and art trash and then it says guilty.
[70] But frat stars.
[71] Um, but every year we come together is one glorious spring after on a glorious spring afternoon to party hard and worship our deadly pony.
[72] Thanks you guys for the podcast and all the good that has come from it.
[73] Y 'all have a large group of SMU murderina's cheering you on.
[74] Wow.
[75] SSDGM and all hail Peruna, Dakota.
[76] Whoa.
[77] That's so random.
[78] That's also so much great information.
[79] What if a frat star fell in love with art trash at the Perunapalooza?
[80] Could they make it?
[81] I mean, if they drink enough together, if they both drink as much.
[82] I feel like a frat star would really, he would not be able to not fall in love with art trash because he's not supposed to.
[83] It's forbidden.
[84] And that were like quirky and fun.
[85] I'm saying that as if I have any talent in art. But you know I'd be an art trash.
[86] you can draw thank you no I can't I've never seen you trying to do it I just want to be supportive I was like you know my secret but I mean like we can be art trash as like you know like fake band hip cool we were in theater but then we quit it because we were too cool oh that kind of move sure all right I'm just saying let's write a romcom okay oh my god yes all right subject line lighthearted immigrant story my grandfather had my grandmother declared dead Dearest Karen, Georgia, Stephen, and Pets My family emigrated from Cuba in the late 60s And over the years, little tidbits of information was leaked By my grandmother about the very strange way That they were able to escape Castro's communist regime When my grandmother decided to move next door to her sisters And sell my childhood home, She finally decided to tell me all the family secrets.
[87] Oh, shit.
[88] Girl, growing up in Cuba, my grandmother's parents had nine kids And a sugar cane farm.
[89] According to my grandmother, she was chosen as the pre -year -old.
[90] prettiest.
[91] So she was forced to move to Havana to go to nursing school.
[92] What?
[93] Apparently, by being the prettiest, she had the most hope of meeting a rich doctor to marry.
[94] So, of course, she would go to nursing school.
[95] Amazing.
[96] This was being a lady back then.
[97] Yeah.
[98] After she graduated, she immediately started schmoozing the available doctors on her floor until she found my grandfather.
[99] Oh, my God.
[100] My grandfather was known throughout the hospital as a player and had a gaggle of women after him.
[101] My grandmother wasn't having that, so she stole some blood from the hospital and poured it on one of the women's cars with a note that said, I know where you live, to get her to back on.
[102] God.
[103] What is happening?
[104] As a 30 -year -old, I am still very afraid of her.
[105] Jesus.
[106] My grandmother, sorry, that's amazing.
[107] I mean, she must have really loved him.
[108] Yeah.
[109] Is that the word we're using?
[110] That's love.
[111] Yeah, that's what love is.
[112] As my grandmother is telling me all this, she starts to pull out a tiny photo album that she kept hidden in the cut out pages of her Bible.
[113] Sounds chill.
[114] This woman is incredible.
[115] She's a nightmare.
[116] There's the usual family photos of my dad and his sister that are 10 months apart, and then a random photo of my grandfather at a bar with some friends.
[117] One of the friends is really familiar.
[118] It's motherfucking Fidel Castro.
[119] What the fuck?
[120] Apparently my grandfather and he were old college buddies.
[121] What?
[122] I asked my grandmother about it, and apparently my grandfather was his preferred anesthesiologist whenever he needed anything done.
[123] Uh -huh.
[124] And he got one of my grandmother's sisters hired on as one of his personal seamstresses, all caps, what the fuck.
[125] So when shit started to hit the fan, my grandfather started a backup plan to get the fuck out of Cuba.
[126] Yes, that's right.
[127] He used his relationship with Castro to send my grandmother and three kids to Costa Rica on quote -unquote vacation, then had them all declared dead since he was a doctor.
[128] Oh, my God.
[129] Once my grandmother got to the States, she worked at a deli and put herself through nursing school again to put food on the table for three little kids.
[130] Five years later, my grandfather was rescued from Cuba on one of the freedom flights to Miami.
[131] He put himself through medical school a second time.
[132] That's what fucking immigrants have to do when they come to America.
[133] It's a full on, like he's a neurosurgeon in Cuba, and he has to come here and go to medical school.
[134] school.
[135] How many taxi drivers have you fucking talk to that are like, yeah, I used to fucking be a doctor and, or like a pediatrician in fucking India.
[136] Or like, I'm a diplomat.
[137] Right.
[138] Yeah.
[139] It's insane.
[140] Okay.
[141] Um, he, uh, he became a well respected doctor that saved countless lives as a cardiologist.
[142] Amazing.
[143] I just wanted to share a story about immigrants where we're the good guys.
[144] Fuck yeah.
[145] Yeah.
[146] That's a lot of them.
[147] Um, thank you all, uh, for normalizing mental health talk.
[148] Stay sexy and one in doubt, declare your family dead to escape together.
[149] A communist regime, Ash.
[150] Oh, my God.
[151] That's so good.
[152] I mean, I'm sorry.
[153] You know, here's the thing.
[154] You like a guy.
[155] There's a gaggle of women after him.
[156] You got to up your game.
[157] I thought you were to talk about how immigrants are like, you know, no, it's fucking throw stolen hospital blood on a fucking car.
[158] Just, here's what I'm saying.
[159] Get some skin in the game.
[160] If you really care about someone, throw blood or.
[161] round like prove it prove you care more than those other women's right you'll land your man that's right she did she did it good for her you fucking she did it the best okay hey this is exciting an all new season of only murders in the building is coming to hulu on august 27th steve martin martin short and selina gomez are back as your favorite podcaster detectives but there's a mystery hanging over everyone who killed saz and were they really after charles why would someone want to kill charles this season murder hits close to home With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.
[162] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.
[163] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.
[164] Who knows what will happen once the cameras start to roll?
[165] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfenakis, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, DeVine, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.
[166] Only Martyrs in the Building, premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.
[167] Bye.
[168] you know I'm all about vintage shopping.
[169] Absolutely.
[170] And when you say vintage, you mean when you physically drive to a store and actually purchase something with cash.
[171] Exactly.
[172] And if you're a small business owner, you might know Shopify is great for online sales.
[173] But did you know that they also power in -person sales?
[174] That's right.
[175] Shopify is the sound of selling everywhere, online, in -store, on social media, and beyond.
[176] Give your point -of -sales system a serious upgrade with Shopify.
[177] From accepting payments to managing inventory, they have everything you need to sell in person.
[178] So give your point of sale system a serious upgrade with Shopify.
[179] Their sleek, reliable POS hardware takes every major payment method and looks fabulous at the same time.
[180] With Shopify, we have a powerful partner for managing our sales, and if you're a business owner, you can too.
[181] Connect with customers in line and online.
[182] Do retail right with Shopify.
[183] Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at Shopify .com slash murder.
[184] important note that promo code is all lowercase go to shopify .com slash murder to take your retail business to the next level today that's shopify .com slash murder goodbye uh here i just have one more okay okay this one's called mfm helped the chimpanzees i work with oh hi guys i'm a caregiver and photographer at a sanctuary for chimpanzees retired from research literally the best job on the planet.
[185] Oh.
[186] I'm also a member of an MFM spin -off face group called Furterinos.
[187] Love it.
[188] I like to share stories and photos there about the group of chimps I work with.
[189] I recently posted that one of the female chimps I work with, her name is L .B., had worn out her favorite toy, a cheap stuffed gorilla from the dollar store.
[190] It's her favorite.
[191] A little gorilla.
[192] It's the only toy she likes, and she carried it around until it fell apart.
[193] She eats with it, sleeps with it, and roams all over the.
[194] the outdoor habitat with it.
[195] She got her, man. Unfortunately, it was only sold during Valentine's Day, so I turned to the Fraterino group and asked if they could possibly help me locate more of these.
[196] Amazingly, within the day, someone tracked down a person who had three cases of these exact gorilla toys, 72 altogether, and several other Fraterino found individual ones for sale here and there and bought them for L .B. She was so happy to get her new toys, and now she has an endless, supply to replace the ones that get worn out when she saw me walk in with a new one, she immediately ran to grab it and has to put it down since.
[197] I just wanted you guys to know what a positive community the MFM fans are, although I'm sure you already do.
[198] This isn't the first time they've donated to my chimp friends and they're all so generous.
[199] I'm attaching some photos of LV with her brand new toy.
[200] If you guys are ever in Atlanta or Chattanooga, you'll be driving distance to the sanctuary.
[201] We're not open to the public, but I'd be happy to give you a private tour so you can see firsthand how far you'll reach extend thanks for helping spread so much positivity crystal oh my god Stephen has a picture Stephen has a picture oh my god look at that face oh my god oh no we'll put it up on oh we'll put it up on our instagram account look at that baby lb she's gorgeous look at them nips man that's stop it so sweet she is so cute she's just sitting there eating and holding her toy we'll put it on the My Favorite Murder Instagram account Wow thanks Crystal for sending that and sharing it And all the furterines out there All right here's the last one The subject line is my mom invited thieves into our home And then parentheses and almost a kidnapping Hey guys, when I was 10 years old my mom a very naive lady Befriended a couple at our local grocery store I remember them talking to each other for a while and they seemed like really nice people.
[202] It was a man and a woman in their 40s, so of course they seemed like a trustworthy couple to my hilarious mom.
[203] They somehow convinced my mom to let them come to our apartment, and I remember that they were in our apartment with us for about an hour.
[204] These people then managed to convince my mom that they will replace all the electronics in our apartment with newer, better quality ones, and so they proceed to fill up their van with all of our stuff.
[205] What the fuck, Mom?
[206] I totally remember being very, concerned about what was going on and turning to my mom like what are you doing of course me being ten i assumed she knew better than me so i let it go as these people were leaving the woman turns to my mom and says let us take the baby we promise we'll bring him back with the rest of the stuff she was talking about my baby brother and i kid you not my mom stood there and thought about it while i yelled no oh my god the woman creepily chuckled and my mom awkwardly declines.
[207] Thank goodness she did because, of course, these people never came back with any quote unquote newer electronics and we were left without any devices and no more trust in my mom.
[208] I have no idea if anything ever happened to these people.
[209] I'm honestly incredibly surprised we survived until our adult years.
[210] Stay sexy and don't be fooled into giving up your stuff or your kid, Maribel.
[211] Oh my God, that is an amazing story.
[212] Like, can you imagine if you're that mom, like I would bring that up every fucking holiday if you're mom if you're that 10 year old you mean yeah yes remember that time mom from that day on Maribel's the 10 year old was in charge of that family Marian Maribel that 10 year old was scared of her mom's decision making skills and never felt safe Maribel the 10 year old had to make all do all the decision making come that moment on horrifying that's hilarious she had to scream no and they were like and we'll take baby we met you an hour ago oh man you guys don't trust anyone especially not your own mother it is that thing though of it's like a middle -aged couple yeah that's like i'm sure i don't know how long ago it was but it's like for so long people were just like if it's a man and a woman nothing back can happen and it's like why wouldn't i trust like them who would do such a thing yeah i can't imagine it would take it's pretty good scam though it's well also how balzy they're like oh we just took everything from our we might as well try to grab that baby yeah i mean they were not going to keep that baby they were going to sell that thing along with all this fucking electronics and you know it that baby would have been up on the wall at best buy fucking 42 inch baby oh this baby it fell off a truck this baby's a 3d HD and shitting um send us your fucking send us your stories like all of them please they're all so good they're the best and stay sexy and don't get murdered get bye bye Elvis You want a cookie?
[213] Oh, good boy.