Best of Year One

[0] Welcome everybody to Armchair Expert.

[1] This is an exciting episode for us because we're celebrating a year in business.

[2] Happy Anniversary, happy Valentine's Day.

[3] Happy, happy, happy, happy.

[4] Happy anniversary to you.

[5] You're the greatest couple that the world has ever known.

[6] Happy anniversary to you.

[7] Did you ever see Welcome to the Doll House?

[8] No. They play that song.

[9] It's so goofy.

[10] So this is a best of.

[11] We thought we'd just reminisce a little bit.

[12] Best of Year 1.

[13] Hopefully you'll listen.

[14] And then hopefully you'll also get mad that we left out one of your favorites.

[15] Is that the goal?

[16] I don't want people to get mad.

[17] But I think it would be great if people were like, what about this?

[18] What about this?

[19] It means that there's too many to pick.

[20] And there really was too many to pick.

[21] A dearth of good stuff.

[22] Yeah.

[23] But it was fun kind of thinking about our favorite moments over the last year.

[24] And there's been so many.

[25] It could have been five and a half hours.

[26] Oh, yeah.

[27] You guys got off scotch -free.

[28] This is a great opportunity to mean.

[29] Is it scotch -free?

[30] And what does that mean?

[31] I don't know.

[32] Maybe you got off scot -free like the Scots.

[33] I have no idea.

[34] But what I will say is this, is this is a great segue into saying publicly, how grateful I am to you, Monica, Minnie Mouse Padman, for editing this show.

[35] It's a ton of work, and you do a phenomenal job.

[36] Thank you.

[37] You always, always, always capture the most important parts of all the conversations, and I trust you so much.

[38] And once again, you had a heavy undertaking for this going through a whole year.

[39] How many episodes was that, Rob, all in for the year?

[40] 84.

[41] 84 episodes.

[42] What a year.

[43] What a fantastic year.

[44] Touring the country, meeting armcherrys, sitting on this yummy, yummy, lazy boy recliner, and talking about meundies, you know?

[45] My favorite.

[46] We should have probably put a mey ad in there.

[47] We probably should.

[48] one of them by more perverse reads on it.

[49] Oh, yeah.

[50] All right.

[51] Well, everybody enjoy a celebration of our first year in biz.

[52] Wondry Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and add free right now.

[53] Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts.

[54] Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts.

[55] From episode 35, Jason Bateman.

[56] And he's also a front wiper if you, if you've ever met one of those.

[57] I am too.

[58] You'll be disappointed.

[59] Truly?

[60] Yes.

[61] And let's argue about it.

[62] Yeah, let's argue about it.

[63] So you, in your worldview, you take a dump.

[64] And then you, when you're done, you go back to front.

[65] Which is frowned upon.

[66] Well, sure.

[67] I mean, you got, are you a eunuch?

[68] What do you do with your garbage?

[69] This is what I want to push back against.

[70] You're telling me you don't have the physical dexterity.

[71] to wipe your asshole and not touch your balls afterwards?

[72] Is your fucking hand paralyzed?

[73] It's easier for me to go around where the balls aren't.

[74] I would argue it is not at all because you've got to now lift yourself off.

[75] You either got to, do you stand up?

[76] No. Okay.

[77] So you have one side.

[78] You're leaning over, right?

[79] To get your arm under your ass.

[80] I offer.

[81] You offer up one side.

[82] So now you're leaning on the toilet scene, which is already a little bit preposterous to me. So you're leaned over halfway.

[83] And then you've got your hand behind.

[84] Yep.

[85] So your shoulder, rotator cuff potential.

[86] Oh.

[87] Does that hurt?

[88] Have you ever had a rotator cuff issue?

[89] Not like yours, I guess.

[90] Okay.

[91] So anyways, very awkward position for your shoulder and you're leaning on your side on the toilet seat.

[92] You're putting a ton of pressure on one side of the seat.

[93] I guarantee if I went into your house today, your seat is crooked.

[94] I've got loose.

[95] Yes.

[96] It is, right?

[97] Sure.

[98] You're ruining hardware.

[99] Whereas on your toilet seat, I'm going to see basically a back rest.

[100] Do you use the lid as a backrest?

[101] Oh, like lean back?

[102] Sure.

[103] Well, you kind of got to when you go to down there to clean yourself.

[104] This will do nothing for the listener, but this is exactly how I do it.

[105] I spread a little bit.

[106] Sure.

[107] Take my balls.

[108] Okay, so you do have to, so you use two hands.

[109] Yeah, why not?

[110] I've got a second hand.

[111] It's not like my hands busy doing something.

[112] I just grab my penis and my scrotum and I just lift it out of the way.

[113] And then I wipe like this and I stay seated comfortably.

[114] And again, I'm picking up the toilet.

[115] the paper right after the, I'm clear of the anus, I'm not dragging it up five inches through my perineum and then onto my testicles.

[116] I would argue that the drag is part of the cleaning.

[117] But why are you happier with having shit smeared up the top of your butt crack versus your paroneum?

[118] Well, what I'm doing as I'm as I'm dragging, I'm also rolling the paper into constantly a clean piece of paper.

[119] There's a roll and a drag that happens.

[120] Why can't that be done across your You absolutely can.

[121] You're just putting in another step of clearing out the garbage.

[122] But here's what I would argue.

[123] We have stupidly mapped on a very smart wiping strategy for women onto men.

[124] Women, they don't want to drag any excrement into their vagina or they're going to have a terrible infection.

[125] Sure.

[126] But you have, A, no risk of infecting your perineum or the backside your balls, whereas you and I, we're up against the back of that seat.

[127] Actually, I don't don't do that.

[128] I don't do that because I've lived with a few dudes and I don't I don't like the the what would you call sort of like the M that that some sweaty dudes will leave on the back of a toilet seat with their sweaty ass cheeks because they're too far back on the ring and they leave an M print on the back from their buttocks.

[129] Yeah.

[130] So I'm mindful of that.

[131] I ride the front of the seat.

[132] I'm not reading a book.

[133] I'm not using the backrest like you are for...

[134] I'm in there forever.

[135] Sure.

[136] I spend 40 minutes in there in the morning.

[137] The fact that I don't have piles is amazing.

[138] Do you lose circulation in your legs?

[139] Sometimes, absolutely.

[140] Yeah.

[141] And I just hang out and then sometimes I get a second wave, which I love.

[142] I think, oh, thank God I hung in there for that long.

[143] Really?

[144] Twins.

[145] That's right.

[146] From episode 12, my lovely sister, Lauren Graham.

[147] I've been to Vietnam with my dad.

[148] we did a bike trip there and he can still speak.

[149] He speaks to the kids, yeah.

[150] And people are shocked.

[151] What was he doing there with his new Vietnamese?

[152] So they...

[153] I'm not even pronouncing that.

[154] This is a word that Kristen always gets on me. I add a something, right?

[155] No, say it again.

[156] Vietnamese.

[157] No. I'm adding a ma.

[158] That's an international coffee.

[159] Oh, okay.

[160] Vietnamese.

[161] Vietamone.

[162] No, no. It's an N, not an M. Viet Mane.

[163] Do I get it?

[164] No. Yeah, you're next.

[165] It's great.

[166] Episode 25, my lovely mother, Laura LaBeau.

[167] Very quickly.

[168] And I think you could be very illuminating to a lot of us because when I have been on the outside, listening to women who are caught in a cycle of an abusive relationship, it's so hard for me to comprehend how you could stay in that.

[169] And you are a very, very strong.

[170] woman and so I think it would be enlightening to know what what is happening mentally when you're going through that because you don't take shit from anybody yet you ended up taking shit from somebody right yeah boy I think what goes through is I had kids again I'm thinking about one of the things that was an issue with him was he was unable to tell the truth and he He was a drug addict.

[171] And so I had gone from being self -supporting with you and David to marrying him and taking on a ton of debt because he was constantly charging things at a gas station that the guy would give him cash so he could put it up his nose and things like that.

[172] So by the time I was aware that this was not a good situation, I need to leave, I need to get my kids out of this, I need to get me out of this.

[173] it was like I was so in debt, what am I going to do?

[174] How am I going to support this?

[175] How am I going to move on?

[176] That was one issue and that was a big issue because again, you know, I'm pretty logical.

[177] That's a pragmatic issue, yeah.

[178] Right.

[179] But the emotional issue is I was brought up super duper Catholic.

[180] And being divorced from your dad was to say sinful and a disappointment to my parents would be an extreme understatement.

[181] And I felt a lot of show.

[182] shame about that.

[183] And so now here I am married less than a year.

[184] It's a very bad situation.

[185] I've been kicked around the kitchen, bounced off the floor.

[186] Humans do bounce.

[187] And I need to get away and yet I cannot admit defeat.

[188] I cannot.

[189] The failure, the second failure thing was so, I was so ashamed.

[190] Uh -huh.

[191] So, so ashamed.

[192] And it was just beyond me to, you know, like, I'll just try harder.

[193] I'll just try hard or I'll figure this out.

[194] Yeah.

[195] From episode 55, Ira Glass.

[196] I understand that for some people this is a question about like is monogamy the way to be.

[197] But like personally, I don't feel comfortable if it's not monogamy.

[198] Like literally like I just got divorced a while ago and just started dating.

[199] And the thought of like dating more than one person at the same time just gives me the willies.

[200] I feel like I feel so like, I don't know, like protective of each person in that situation.

[201] or just, like, scared of getting one of them mad at me for being with the other one.

[202] Like, any situation where there could be triangulation, like, I just couldn't be into.

[203] Like, I've never even introduced to, like, I know that, like, people have three ways, and I just can't imagine.

[204] That seems like the most unpleasant for somebody who's, like, a people -pleaser and just, like, worried about what other people are.

[205] I can't imagine, like, why anybody would even want that.

[206] It just doesn't seem fun.

[207] Well, I wanted it.

[208] very bad and I've had a couple in my day and what I found was when it's two ladies what inevitably happened for me is I just like one more than the other and then I feel bad to your point because I'm a co -defendant I'm like it's pretty obvious I like this one more right I'm like kissing more maybe with her but then it's like it's sort of hurtful to the other one yeah so now there's just someone I basically want to leave because it's making me feel bad that I've picked one.

[209] Unless you were maybe with identical twins, I don't know how you wouldn't favor one of the two people, or at least in my experience, I favored one.

[210] Now, a couple times I've been with a friend in one lady, and that works great.

[211] Wow.

[212] Because...

[213] I'm sorry, I'm just, like, sort of pausing.

[214] Like, I don't have, I don't know any man who I'd want to, like, take off my clothes in front of and have, like, take off my clothes in front of and have sex with somebody else.

[215] Like, I can't, like, I don't have any friend who's, couldn't maybe you just you don't have a childhood best friend who I'm still friends with and I would take off my clothes in front of and have sex with some lady no if this interview goes perfectly for me we'll take our clothes off at the end he's also the most open no human on planet earth so that's also part of it no no no no I know yeah that would be very uncomfortable for you yes there's been no day of my life when I felt a kind of body confidence I was just like ready to like I feel like yeah no I'm just no it's been no no I was like a challenge chubby kid and never really like totally got rid of the chubbiness and not and you know just meaning like it's not what if that's not my path so would you be a little bit afraid in that scenario that you would be the unfavorable person like is that part of the oh good question i would i wouldn't even get that far that's even more sophisticated than what i would feel but ira what if the friend i would just feel bad from the start you'd just be uncomfortable but ira what if the friend was objectively by today's standards in much worse shape than you.

[216] That would be going to feel a little better.

[217] Right?

[218] Yeah, no, that would be a little better.

[219] It just seems more vulnerable because there's two witnesses to it.

[220] I don't know.

[221] The whole thing seems like, also it just seems like awkward.

[222] I don't know.

[223] Is it physically awkward?

[224] No. No. No, it's beautiful.

[225] It's like a ballet if it's executed.

[226] But was this, like, were you sober during these things?

[227] The first one was in high school with, I don't think he'd care my very best childhood friend, Aaron Weekly.

[228] Yeah, we found ourselves in a menagerie twas.

[229] No wonder you love him so much.

[230] All he does is to talk about Aaron.

[231] Yeah, exactly.

[232] He literally had sex with him.

[233] Now we know.

[234] From episode 23, Caitlin Olson.

[235] Well, one of the funnest writing sessions that ever went awry was you came over, we were going to write, and I assume I suggested it.

[236] Well, let's do ecstasy instead.

[237] It's like the middle of the afternoon.

[238] You know, we should do.

[239] We should do it.

[240] And then we should drive an hour south and go to the beach.

[241] To go to the beach because our friend Jess had a discount at Gulfstream restaurant because he worked at Houston's.

[242] And so we take ecstasy right.

[243] And we go down to whatever that little beach, Redondo Beach or some shit.

[244] I don't know.

[245] We end up on the beach.

[246] What happens next?

[247] Well, first of all, it's probably one of the best.

[248] days of our lives.

[249] We're just very happy.

[250] And we're in love with our surroundings.

[251] And we look over.

[252] It's hitting us all at once.

[253] We live in fucking California.

[254] It's like the middle of the day and it's sunshine.

[255] The water had never been more beautiful.

[256] We look over and there's a goddamn seal walking towards us.

[257] Beautiful seal.

[258] Just a beautiful seal.

[259] A big seal.

[260] A big beautiful seal hanging out.

[261] And we're in a very loving mood.

[262] Oh my God.

[263] Yeah.

[264] And I think I'd already made out with Jess once at that point once or twice maybe more yeah yeah yeah per his of course yeah he i think that's why he always wanted you to do ecstasy's because smart yeah so i'm like you want a kiss yeah i don't care i was like guys can you knock it off there's a seal you're making the seal uncomfortable so of course dax and i think that the seal probably wants us to go over and say hi to it yeah and then dax did well i had this whole thought that oh a seal is in this moment i don't think this in this chair right now but in that moment i was like like, this thing's a dog.

[265] Yeah.

[266] Here's what you do to a dog.

[267] You put your hand out so they can smell you.

[268] It's got to sniff you.

[269] Yes, it's got to sniff you.

[270] And then it'll know your scent and be 100 % comfortable.

[271] Yes.

[272] And then you will snuggle this thing and scratch its belly.

[273] And so I am getting closer and closer to the seal.

[274] And there are many people who are watching the seal because it's a rare sighting to see the seal in the middle of the beach.

[275] I think they're all so excited about what's what's about to happen.

[276] Yes.

[277] Some people are screaming, stay away from it.

[278] I didn't hear that.

[279] It became all clear in retrospect.

[280] respect.

[281] So I put my hand out and sure enough, it takes a couple sniffs and I'm like, it's supposed to.

[282] Here we go.

[283] And then it fucking just bites me twice, like snap, snap.

[284] And then it goes, and then it's yelling at me. Yeah, I wanted you to get the fuck away.

[285] Yes.

[286] And it probably always did.

[287] And there are people, it's kind of split.

[288] It was a divisive moment for the people on the beach because some people are going, that's how they say hi.

[289] Like we're trying to put a positive spin on this, right?

[290] And then the other half the people are going, you got what you deserve to leave the wild animal.

[291] Get away.

[292] Yes.

[293] And then so I had a horrible bite mark.

[294] It tore up my thumb pretty good.

[295] It was a puncture wound.

[296] Yes, it was a deep puncture.

[297] And the thing about a puncture wound is the goddamn thing's going to heal over and it's going to get infected.

[298] That's right.

[299] And that's the very first motherfucking thing I said to you.

[300] You were like, that's cool.

[301] I'll take care of it.

[302] I was like, I didn't have insurance, remember?

[303] I know.

[304] And there's no way I was going out of pocket for a seal bite.

[305] Uh -oh.

[306] I mean.

[307] And this is the part of the.

[308] story that people will simply not believe in that.

[309] I'm fine with that.

[310] But a few days later, I'm just randomly watching the evening news.

[311] And there's a story about why these seals are coming up on the beach.

[312] We were witnessing what was a phenomenon at that time.

[313] They had an illness.

[314] It was sick.

[315] Yes, it was sick.

[316] It put its sickness right into your hands.

[317] Yes.

[318] And it got infected.

[319] Of course it did.

[320] I told you it was going to.

[321] Yes.

[322] You were right.

[323] And then how did I handle that?

[324] Do you remember?

[325] Yeah.

[326] You cut a big X in it with a knife.

[327] With a butcher knife.

[328] Yeah.

[329] And then got in there and cleaning.

[330] things up.

[331] The fact that I did, by the way, the scar is still very visible on my thumb as we sit here.

[332] It's a great story.

[333] Episode 30, David Harbour.

[334] It's a weird thing because while at the same time I do feel like our gifts and our illnesses are linked, inextricably linked, I don't ever want to romanticize the idea that because you're ill, you're special.

[335] Or to go off your medication.

[336] because that specialness defines you in a different way.

[337] Like, I actually think that you're special because you're special.

[338] Right.

[339] And that you're also ill. And we can help you with that.

[340] That's a great distinction to make.

[341] And I, yeah, I would not want anyone to be embracing their misery because that's what makes them unique.

[342] Yeah.

[343] Or their, uh, or the, I mean, because the weird thing about like, I don't know, the weird thing about society is like, you're right.

[344] I mean, it's contrary to the norms, but like, um, um, there's acceptable limits of that of that stuff as well that are pretty much universal like I know that when I'm like going through episodes and stuff they're they're usually not as creative but the funny thing is like the best representation I've ever seen of it is Homeland you ever watch Homeland yeah first season she goes into the hospital at the end right yeah and there's a brilliance that she acquires right before she goes in which is like she starts to make connections that she can't make without it yeah but then she crosses over a tipping point and people are like we can't understand understand you.

[345] You're not making any sense.

[346] And she's like, no, she's figured it out.

[347] And that stuff, like, that stuff doesn't make her unique or special or interesting or smarter.

[348] It just, she's actually crossed a level where she's sick now.

[349] Yes.

[350] And she's just, her brain is making associations that like a cancer, like they're spreading in ways that they call it kindling in the brain.

[351] They're spreading in ways that aren't useful and aren't productive.

[352] And it's not like a, it's actually not like a negotiable thing.

[353] You're You're not like, well, it kind of looks more artistic.

[354] It's actually like just not.

[355] From episode 17, Bob Murvac.

[356] So yesterday, you created a song with the help of my three -year -old Delta.

[357] She created a song with the help of me. All right, because it's so modest of you to defer.

[358] Yeah, so what happened?

[359] She said, oops, I farted.

[360] Right, yeah.

[361] And she does a lot.

[362] Yeah.

[363] Like her old man. Yeah, nice and gassy.

[364] Yeah.

[365] Who doesn't, man. That was kind of like it was sparked something in the room.

[366] I felt like the molecules in the room chain that was like it was that song wrote itself.

[367] They were just the great ones do, right?

[368] Yeah, I felt like Delta and I were just the vessel through which that song came.

[369] It was already written.

[370] It's been written for a hundred years.

[371] Okay.

[372] Here it goes.

[373] It's been written for a hundred years.

[374] It's a nice round number.

[375] Oopsie.

[376] Oopss, oopsies, oopsies, oopsies, oopsies, oopsies, oopsies, oopsies, oopsies, oopsies, oopsies, oopsies, oopsies, oopsies, oopsies, oopsies, oopsies, oopsies, oopsies, oopsies, oopsies, oopsies, oopsies, I farted.

[377] I farted.

[378] I farted.

[379] I farted.

[380] Oh, my God.

[381] I mean, it could be a hit fucking song.

[382] Episode four, an inventor of the soul spectrum, Joy, Brian.

[383] So I would assume, and you tell me, so you become like a master code switcher at this point, right?

[384] you can.

[385] That's a really good, I mean, I, I, I think that damn near every black person in America is a master code switcher.

[386] You have to be.

[387] Yeah.

[388] I mean, in, in, in just the, even the most mundane situation.

[389] I mean, like, yeah.

[390] Yes, obviously, much more dramatically you have to do if you're black and you live in the U .S. Or gay, you know, or gay.

[391] Or, or, but me, like, I went to UCLA.

[392] I go home all my friends, you know, many of them are in jail.

[393] Some of them are missing teeth.

[394] I code switch.

[395] I go back there.

[396] I, like, I talk.

[397] different.

[398] I'm different.

[399] I want to be more blue collar.

[400] I want to be more masculine, more, all these things.

[401] And I do that.

[402] And then I'll run into some fucking executive who I want a job from.

[403] And all of a sudden, I'm like, I'm a Harvard graduate.

[404] You know, so I'm doing it too.

[405] It's definitely, it's more obvious, I think, on the outside.

[406] And we even, you and I even had this experience.

[407] So we had met a couple times and I just was immediately drawn to you.

[408] And then we started working together.

[409] And I will say, we shot the pilot, but that's, we shot the pilot, but was really brief.

[410] And then we came to do the series.

[411] And I do remember you, and I'm going to use the wrong words here, but all of a sudden, you got blacker with me. Like I saw a side of joy.

[412] That was black.

[413] The only adjective I can say is blacker, which is wrong, but I'm just being honest.

[414] And then I had to tell myself like, oh, of course.

[415] Like, Joy's from the Bronx.

[416] This is where she's from.

[417] This is her too.

[418] But for me, it was an adjustment.

[419] And then I thought, oh, I guess This is maybe a compliment like you trust me to be that other side of you too.

[420] How do you make that decision whether you're going to let someone in your circle into like yet another layer?

[421] Is it conscious or not?

[422] I think sometimes it's conscious.

[423] I mean.

[424] Because I too let you into a layer.

[425] Yeah, yeah.

[426] I have a professional layer.

[427] And then I have like, I'm going to say shit that if someone read in a transcript, I'm fucked.

[428] Right.

[429] But I'm going to trust you and I'm going to talk.

[430] I really want to talk to you.

[431] I mean, I think like as you get older, I mean, you know, you use this question and you figure out who, you know, I'm not going to roll up to a, I'm not going to talk to one of these studio has the way I talk to you.

[432] Right.

[433] Unless you go and run the studio, which you very well could.

[434] And then in that case, I'm like, motherfucker.

[435] Yeah.

[436] Where my movie at?

[437] Or my three -picture deal.

[438] We're my three -pitcher deal.

[439] from episode 27 David Sidaris You always think you're hiding it right If I go on stage and there's a Plexiglass Plexiglass podium I spend all night touching my dick Okay okay because I have to Because everybody can see it Right and you're not supposed to Right and then sometimes I do that thing You go into the pocket And sometimes it's like you're brushing the front of your pants Okay But I am busy doing that.

[440] Pocket pool from beginning.

[441] All night because I know that I don't, because it's Is anyone ever lodged to complain about that?

[442] Has anyone said like, love the show, but.

[443] My sister Amy was in the audience one night and she said, what was going on with your dad?

[444] Because again, you're up there and you're thinking, oh, nobody can notice and they just think that I've got lint, you know, in the front of my pants.

[445] Sure.

[446] It's being steadily replaced, you know, an hour and a half.

[447] Cycled through.

[448] So it's only if it's clear.

[449] If it's like a wood podium, you don't have that issue.

[450] Then I don't have to do it because nobody ever seen me. I can explain that because if we share this, what happens in my brain almost all day, every day is from the second an interaction starts, I'm all I can think of is the single worst thing I could do.

[451] It's just like, it's my first thought is the worst thing that could be done.

[452] And then I then come to what would be socially acceptable.

[453] and I try to land on that second thing.

[454] But the first thing is, like, I want to point out something you're probably really insecure about.

[455] You know, I'm going to say this word I shouldn't say.

[456] It's just that's where my thinking starts.

[457] But when you walk into a room, do you just start gathering little clues like, oh, I could really fuck up by pointing out that?

[458] And then I could mention this woman's got, you know, she's losing her hair.

[459] And then, you know, do you just kind of take a, like a, like a superhero, you just kind of see every bad thing that could be exposed right now.

[460] Well, it's interesting because, yeah, I do do that.

[461] But then I found that signing books is a place that allows you to do all of that.

[462] Oh, really?

[463] All of it.

[464] From episode 56, Gordon Keith.

[465] So I picked up your copy of The Big Book, which is the Alcoholics Anonymous Book of Wisdom, for lack of a better term.

[466] And inside it, you had a date written out.

[467] Uh -huh.

[468] And there was a line through it.

[469] And there was another date written.

[470] It was a line through it.

[471] Another date.

[472] Lined through it.

[473] And this went on probably eight dates or something like that.

[474] And even there were a couple of them that had comments beside them that said, you know, why am I such an effing loser or some kind of thing that was you beating yourself up?

[475] Yeah.

[476] But it was a really moving moment because it was early in the morning.

[477] No one else was up in the house.

[478] It was like Ken Folk was staying with me. I was by myself and I was opening this book and I was seeing this little intimate piece of your life which touched me so deeply you know that here's a person who tries again and how important that is because life defeats all of us no matter how it's a beating how great your career is or whatever I mean you could be the star of kung fu you might end up you might end up but it But it was just really, it was really sweet to see that and it was really moving to me to see how you kept trying again and you kept trying again.

[479] And you kept putting those dates in there and you didn't throw out that book and get a new one that didn't have these memories of failures.

[480] You wanted those failures right there to show you and you scratched them out.

[481] And then there's the date that's not scratched out.

[482] Yeah, which a week and a half will be 14 years now.

[483] Stay tuned for more armchair expert.

[484] If you dare.

[485] What's up, guys?

[486] It's your girl Kiki, and my podcast is back with a new season.

[487] And let me tell you, it's too good.

[488] And I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest, okay?

[489] Every episode, I bring on a friend and have a real conversation.

[490] And I don't mean just friends.

[491] I mean the likes of Amy Polar, Kell Mitchell, Vivica Fox.

[492] The list goes on.

[493] So follow, watch, and listen to Baby.

[494] This is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcast.

[495] We've all been there.

[496] Turning to the internet to self -diagnose our inexplicable pains, debilitating body aches, sudden fevers, and strange rashes.

[497] Though our minds tend to spiral to worst -case scenarios, it's usually nothing, but for an unlucky few, these unsuspecting symptoms can start the clock ticking on a terrifying medical mystery.

[498] Like the unexplainable death of a retired firefighter, whose body was found at home by his son, except it looked like he had been cremated, or the time when an entire town started showing jumping from buildings and seeing tigers on their ceilings.

[499] Hey, listeners, it's Mr. Ballin here, and I'm here to tell you about my podcast.

[500] It's called Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries.

[501] Each terrifying true story will be sure to keep you up at night.

[502] Follow Mr. Ballin's medical mysteries wherever you get your podcasts.

[503] Prime members can listen early and ad -free on Amazon Music.

[504] From episode 29, Mila Coonis.

[505] All right, so you've now made me tell the story a few times.

[506] Twice.

[507] I've only made you tell it twice.

[508] And this was the agreement that I will come on the show.

[509] If I read tell this horribly embarrassing story of yourself.

[510] So when I was a kid, there was a really popular movie called Real Genius with Val Kilmer.

[511] And there is a bad guy in the movie.

[512] And at one point they say to the bad guy in the movie, hey, Chet, why were you naked in your room with a bowl full of jello?

[513] And I was probably eight or nine when I heard that.

[514] And I thought, oh, that would feel.

[515] It would feel nice to put your penis in some jello.

[516] Sure.

[517] And, you know, but my family didn't eat jello, so we didn't have any in the house.

[518] So, but for 10 plus years, it was in my head that that would feel nice to have, put your penis in some jello.

[519] So when I finally moved to L .A., I'm in an apartment.

[520] I'm all by myself.

[521] And all of a sudden, it just occurs to me, oh my goodness, I could go to the store right now and buy jello.

[522] I have a car.

[523] I've got money.

[524] So I go to Save On Drugstore and buy some crazy luck they're running a sale on.

[525] Jell -O and it's five, five boxes for a dollar.

[526] So I get, I get five boxes of jello because I'm like, this is going to feel awesome.

[527] I'll probably want to do this kind of often.

[528] So I go home and I make a, we'll just call it a mason jar full of jello, okay?

[529] And I make it and I've never made jello.

[530] Well, hold on.

[531] Oh, boy.

[532] That becomes part of it.

[533] So I make, I make this.

[534] batch of jello and I don't even realize like this shit's got a cool and I was while I was making it I'm getting aroused I'm thinking like I'm about five minutes away from making love and then come to find out no this needs to chill in the fridge so then I put it in the fridge and then I just sit there in my lazy boy in my apartment waiting to have sex with this gelo it's like agonizing how long it's taking to cool this jello down right so finally it's ready I go into the kitchen I pull it out of the fridge.

[535] I don't like take it to the bedroom or anything.

[536] I'm like, I'll just do this here in the kitchen.

[537] Couldn't wait.

[538] Where am I going to do it?

[539] It would have felt weird to take it to my bed and do it, right?

[540] Yeah, that would have felt weird.

[541] Yes.

[542] And then I'm like roll -playing or something.

[543] So I, um, yeah, that's the weird part.

[544] That's the part.

[545] That really pushes it over the end.

[546] Everything else is fine.

[547] So I, I put my penis in this mason jar full of jello.

[548] I give it a couple of pumps.

[549] Within a couple of pumps, I'm just humping Kool -Aid.

[550] The whole thing is disintegrated.

[551] There's no, there's no resistance.

[552] There's no friction.

[553] I'm just sloshing my penis around in a jar of red water.

[554] And I'm like, this was a complete disaster.

[555] There's red water all over my floor of my kitchen.

[556] And I just throw the thing in the sink.

[557] And I'm like, well, that was a disaster.

[558] I wake up the next morning.

[559] I'm going pee.

[560] And I see on my penis, I have like some splotches on my penis and I'm like oh my god the dye in the jello attached itself to a sexual transmitted disease I have some disease that the dye has adhered to and it's exposed some disease I have I'm convinced I have a venereal disease okay I have no insurance so I go to an LA free testing clinic and I go in there and they put me in this little behind a curtain thing you know where is going?

[561] Yeah.

[562] Okay.

[563] So the doctor comes in and I can only assume that this lady graduated from medical school a minute and a half before she walked into the room.

[564] She had to be 24.

[565] And she was a 10.

[566] When I tell you she's a 10, I mean, she looked like Mila and Black Swan.

[567] Just couldn't get more attractive.

[568] But I was like, when she walked in, I was like, oh my goodness, this doctor is a 10.

[569] And so she goes, what's going on?

[570] And I said, well, and I'm not going to admit that I fucked a glass of jello.

[571] So I said, oh, my girlfriend and I were experimenting with jello in philatio.

[572] I'm trying to make it very medical.

[573] And she goes, okay.

[574] I said, you know, there was jello involved in oral sex and blah, blah.

[575] She goes, okay, well, let me see what's going on.

[576] She gets on her knees.

[577] I'm standing.

[578] I pull my penis out.

[579] She grabs it.

[580] She lifts it up.

[581] She looks at it.

[582] And she says to me, she looks up at me in my eyes and she says, what flavor was the jellop?

[583] And I go, strawberry?

[584] And she goes, I like raspberry.

[585] And I became 105 % erect immediately.

[586] She goes, I like raspberry.

[587] And I just got a raging boner straight in her face to the point where she kind of like had to back up a little bit.

[588] And she goes, that's nothing.

[589] you have a rash from the gelatin, you don't have an STD, and she let me go on my way.

[590] But she said, I like raspberry, and I got fully hard in her face.

[591] Story's not over.

[592] Oh, no. I then meet a girl, Bree.

[593] She then moves in.

[594] We're living together.

[595] For about a year, occasionally after dinner, she would go, do you want me to make some jello?

[596] And I go, no, I'm not in the mood for jello.

[597] And she's like, okay.

[598] And then, like, a third time, do you want some jello?

[599] Finally, like, after a year of being together, and she's offered jello, like, five times.

[600] I go, honey, I don't like jello.

[601] I hate jello.

[602] I'm never going to want the jello.

[603] She goes, why are you four boxes of jello if you hate jello?

[604] And I go, because I got that, I fucked that jello.

[605] I bought that jello to have sex with it, and it didn't work out.

[606] And I don't know why I didn't throw the boxes away.

[607] They were only worth 80 cents.

[608] I don't know.

[609] And she's like, okay, you had sex with some jello that's still in the, well, that was my jello story.

[610] Thanks for telling it, Zach.

[611] Episode 45, Yuval Harari.

[612] In Homo Deus, you talk about this very profound thing, which is the self.

[613] And we think of the self as being one thing, me, Dax Shepherd, I'm a self.

[614] And you point out that minimally there's two Dax Shepherds.

[615] There's the experiential Dax Shepard, the one who's, you know, scrolling through Instagram and so happy for two hours.

[616] The whole time I'm doing it, I'm in heaven.

[617] And then I go and lay down at night to go to bed.

[618] And then there's the narrative self who's writing Dax's life story who says, Jesus, dude, you fucking spent two hours staring at your hand.

[619] That's a terrible waste of your life.

[620] I'm disappointed in you, right?

[621] So you start by just introducing this concept that even we aren't unified as one thing.

[622] We have these facets.

[623] And that where we're heading with technology is that your smartphone very soon in the future will be measuring biometrics.

[624] It'll know your blood sugar, your heart rate, your cortisol levels, all these things.

[625] And the example I think you give is that you could set a goal on this smartphone to help you realize something.

[626] And that smartphone may vibrate as you're walking into a meeting and say, hey, Dax, don't talk in this meeting because the last time your blood sugar was this way and you got this little amount of sleep, you have pissed off your boss.

[627] So just shut the fuck out for the next hour and a half.

[628] And then you pose the most intoxicating question of all is, what is the device going to service?

[629] Is it going to service the narrative dachs or the experiential self?

[630] And will we give it permission to make that decision?

[631] That blew my head off my shoulders.

[632] Yes, yes.

[633] I mean, as our understanding of the human body and the human body.

[634] and the human brain improves.

[635] And at the same time, as we have more and more sophisticated AI, so these kinds of scenarios that, you know, can go in all kinds of directions.

[636] You can have the government monitoring you 24 hours a day.

[637] So if you live in North Korea, and what you just described will take a very different form, you have to wear a biometric bracelet all day, which constantly monitors just what you said, your cortisol level, your sugar level, your blood pressure, and so forth.

[638] And if you just happen to listen to a speech by Kim Jong -un and the bracelet picks up the biometric signs of anger, that's the end of you.

[639] Oh, my God.

[640] So it can go in that direction in some countries.

[641] Let's even get even like even more inconsequentials.

[642] Like my wife's got it hooked to my wrist and I walked by a beautiful girl on the street.

[643] She goes, excuse me, sir.

[644] I see what's happening in your body.

[645] Uh, yes.

[646] It could be the total end of all internal life.

[647] Episode 39, Ike Barronholz.

[648] I have a writing partner who's my best friend for many years, Dave Stassen.

[649] From high school, maybe?

[650] From high school.

[651] Actually, we went to camp together.

[652] That's so cool.

[653] I mean, we've been friends for third.

[654] Another Jewish thing.

[655] Jewish kids go to camp.

[656] We do go to camp.

[657] Even though David is decidedly not Jewish.

[658] Okay.

[659] I don't know why I said decidedly, because that assumes he's like anti -Semitic, which he's definitely not.

[660] But he's just, you look at him and you're like, oh, no, you're not, you're not Jewish.

[661] But also a Holocaust denier, isn't he?

[662] He does.

[663] He has a couple times.

[664] Okay.

[665] I've worked on that with him.

[666] He's going to hear this and be like, hey, like, I used to do this joke where we would walk in the pitch meetings.

[667] And I would make a Nazi reference to Dave.

[668] This was before when Nazis were like safe because they weren't real anymore.

[669] Right, right, right.

[670] And like, I make like the same old hacky jokes where I'd be like, no, no jokes about, you know, the Holocaust.

[671] Dave's, you know, grandfather died there.

[672] fell off of a guard tower.

[673] It was like all those old jokes of chip.

[674] And one day we were, we were, we were, we were in a room with, um, I know I've heard that, but I feel like that's the first time I heard.

[675] But we were in a room with, um, what's his name?

[676] Oh my God, Brian Grazer, right?

[677] Like, we're pitching this movie to Brian Grazer.

[678] And I like, I make like, just a, uh, some kind of Nazi joke.

[679] And afterwards, Dave's like, stop fucking making Nazi jokes to Jewish executives who don't know who I am.

[680] I'm like, all right.

[681] So I got the numbers.

[682] Episode 47, Jason Ritter.

[683] When your father died, did you feel like this thing that should have been a private family moment was open to the world?

[684] And did you resent that?

[685] And did you not like that wherever you went, you probably could sense people?

[686] Because I guess when my dad died, I enjoyed that I could leave that little.

[687] bubble I was in of sadness and I could go to Home Depot and no one in there knew my dad died so they weren't going oh my God I'm so sorry oh my God I'm so sorry I could leave that and I lived for those breaks from that you know yeah and I just wonder like were you were you trapped in that at that time where like you just felt like God I can't everywhere I go someone's gonna hit me with that yeah I mean it's interesting gosh I say it's interesting when I'm stalling interesting is like my like that's basically what I'm saying I'm not like, my answer is going to be interesting.

[688] I don't know.

[689] It might not be.

[690] But my answer is that, you know, I think grief is such a specific thing for everyone.

[691] And it's a, like, it's a lifelong journey.

[692] I mean, it's, there are like waves and, and, you know, it's like a closure to it.

[693] Not really.

[694] It's just like, here's a new hole in your heart.

[695] Like, there you go.

[696] And then, you know, so you.

[697] you have better days and, you know, and tough days and...

[698] Yeah, you can go long period.

[699] I've gone long periods of time where I go like, oh, I'm over that.

[700] Yeah.

[701] My dad dying.

[702] And then I have a dream about him.

[703] Oh, yeah.

[704] And he's like, he's super healthy in the dream.

[705] And because also it gets weird when you deal with a parent dying for me. Not for you, I guess, in your case, but for me, you spend so much time at the end where they've devolved physically and all these things that that ends up being kind of your memory.

[706] and then I'll have these dreams and I'll go like, oh, that's right.

[707] He was this robust guy I used to think of as like powerful and strong.

[708] And it's just, it's weird.

[709] The whole thing's kind of a mind fuck that way.

[710] Yeah.

[711] I mean, mine was just like, I saw him earlier that week.

[712] And then it was just like, hey, we got him into the hospital, but he's fine.

[713] He had a thing.

[714] And then I got to the hospital and they were like, it's not fine.

[715] Yeah.

[716] I do believe that's the worst version of.

[717] It's the hardest, I think, for the, well, Well, who knows?

[718] It's all sucks.

[719] It really is tough.

[720] But I think...

[721] Wait, there's no kick -ass way to lose a loved one?

[722] No, there isn't.

[723] I mean, you know, I like, I...

[724] You look for silver linings and things, and I'm glad that he wasn't in a lot of pain.

[725] And, you know, there are things like that, but I also didn't ever get a chance to say goodbye.

[726] Yeah, that would be the heartbreaking.

[727] So that kind of stuff.

[728] But the tough thing was initially there would be times where I would be having kind of an okay moment.

[729] Yeah.

[730] And someone would come up and grab my arm and have this face like...

[731] Yeah.

[732] Yes.

[733] And I'd be like, I know.

[734] And then all of a sudden, because they need to have this moment with me, I all of a sudden have to dive into my grief.

[735] And there was this one time where I was with my fiancé.

[736] It all worked out.

[737] And it was like one of the...

[738] the first time, and then we were at a bar.

[739] I was not drinking, we were just at a bar, hang in.

[740] Who am I a judge?

[741] And someone, basically this woman said something to me, and then she went, oh my gosh, and she went, I loved her dad so much, and then she made a pouty face.

[742] Oh, boy.

[743] And then she went, RIP.

[744] Anyway, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

[745] And like, no. Wait, did you say hashtag RIP or just?

[746] She might have.

[747] Oh, my goodness.

[748] RIP, anyway, blah, blah, blah.

[749] And just started talking to her friend.

[750] And RIP, don't even know the Kalamari.

[751] bitch.

[752] Becky's such a bitch.

[753] I can't turn my back for two seconds to stay RIP without her eating all the calamari.

[754] Melanie was like shocked.

[755] But as soon as she turned away now that she had said RIP and just sort of dropped that out of my lap.

[756] Oh my goodness.

[757] To her, the back of her head very quietly, I went, well, thank you so much for bringing this up back.

[758] I mean, some of my greatest friends I don't even talk to about this stuff.

[759] And I just like have this whole thing.

[760] Episode 50, Rob Mechalhany.

[761] I had always noticed that people would get better looking as years would go by.

[762] Actually, Friends is a great example.

[763] Yeah, oh, yeah.

[764] Although that was an incredibly attractive cast from the very beginning.

[765] But, you know, that all of a sudden they're now famous and rich, and they have better diets and they have stylists.

[766] and they care a little bit more, too, and they have a little bit more time and money to maybe they have better teeth all of a sudden.

[767] Their hair is thicker, right?

[768] And I just thought, well, our show has always been sort of the anti -sitcom.

[769] And beyond that, it's not realistic to the way that the characters treat themselves.

[770] They're alcoholics and they're horrible human beings.

[771] And if they live with that kind of stress, that they would start to look terrible.

[772] terrible.

[773] And then beyond that, I will say a step beyond that, I found myself in the editing room one year and looking at myself in one of the shots.

[774] And by the way, we shoot Sunny in a very specific way to where we don't light it very well.

[775] It's kind of supposed to look crappy.

[776] That's part of the charm.

[777] Yeah.

[778] And so I remember watching myself and going at one point in the editing room like, oh, I don't look very good.

[779] I wonder if we should look for a different take.

[780] And as soon as I thought that, I was instantly humiliated because that was, that's always been the opposite of what we're trying to do.

[781] And I didn't want to fall into that trap of being, you know, look, we all, we all walk around with a certain amount of vanity.

[782] But I try to, I try actively to destroy that with my show and to, and to create some level of reality with like what these people would look like.

[783] So I decided I can't do this anymore.

[784] I'm going to look as disgusting as I can for next year.

[785] I instantly thought that.

[786] And then in the off season, I'm like, how am I going to do this?

[787] How am I going to do this without having to go through like hair and makeup?

[788] And I thought, oh, wow, we should all do it.

[789] Okay?

[790] I can only imagine how this went with Caitlin.

[791] Incredible it would be if we all put on the whole cast.

[792] Like 50 pounds.

[793] And just for entire season and not mention.

[794] at all.

[795] How bizarre that would be.

[796] So I pitch it to everybody and DeVito was the only one that was like, all right, I'll do.

[797] I'm like, no, not you.

[798] You will die.

[799] You should lose 50 pounds because that would be even more.

[800] That's how we turn that on it said.

[801] So everybody said, nah, I'm not going to do that.

[802] So I said, would you mind if I did it?

[803] And they said, sure.

[804] So I put on, yeah, about 60 pounds.

[805] Oh my God.

[806] Wow.

[807] That's tremendous.

[808] Can you tell us the details of how you did that?

[809] Yes.

[810] You just ate everything or?

[811] Well, originally I tried to do it as, uh, six.

[812] I tried to be as healthy as possible.

[813] So I, I, I consulted a nutritionist.

[814] And I'm like, how can I do this in a healthy way?

[815] Right.

[816] And, and he, and he wrote up this like program for me. And I remember trying to, on the first day, destroy yourself program.

[817] On the first day, it was like, okay, your, your, your, your lunch will be three chicken breasts, three cups of rice and two cups of vegetables.

[818] So I was like, all right.

[819] So I'm like, I'm trying to muscle this down.

[820] This is never going to work.

[821] I can't do it.

[822] So I go to my doctor, by the way, so I go to my doctor and I'm like, I want to be, I want to be monitored through this whole thing.

[823] He just for, because I think it'd be funny.

[824] Yeah, yeah.

[825] He's like, okay.

[826] So I said, okay, to be, he said to be clear, this is not funny.

[827] Don't do, don't do this.

[828] This is really dangerous.

[829] And I'm like, I'm going to do it.

[830] So help me. And he's like, okay.

[831] I said, what's the healthiest and safest way for me to do this?

[832] And he said, there is no healthy way to do it.

[833] So I went back to the nutritionist and I said, I can't muscle this food down.

[834] And I said, what's the caloric intake like of this particular meal?

[835] And he was like, you know, it was like 1 ,600 calories or something.

[836] And he was like, so you can either do that or you can eat two Big Macs.

[837] And I'm like, oh, okay.

[838] Sure.

[839] So I did, so let's start doing that.

[840] So then I had crispy cream donuts.

[841] Every morning I would eat four of those.

[842] And then I would have, you know, and so instead of doing it the healthy way, I did it the unhealthy way.

[843] The fun way.

[844] Yeah.

[845] But at a certain point, it's not that fun because by the afternoon I was drinking ice cream.

[846] So I would take ice cream and I would put it out.

[847] I would put it out on the counter in the morning and then it would melt.

[848] And then I would put like weight gainer like into it.

[849] And then I would drink that every day.

[850] Go on.

[851] And so I was drinking heavily.

[852] That was a great excuse to drink wine.

[853] And then this was the key.

[854] This was the key.

[855] I found out that cottage, so it was like going, it was going okay, but it was going like rather slowly.

[856] And I was just like I felt like it was maybe working.

[857] Everyone was like, we're writing to this and it's not happening, man. And I only had three months to do it.

[858] So they're like, I don't know if this is going to work.

[859] I don't know if it's going to work.

[860] and then I read that cottage cheese metabolizes really slowly in your stomach.

[861] So this particular diet was like the last thing, if you eat cottage cheese, the last thing you want to do is eat it right before you go to bed because it just metabolizes so slowly over it.

[862] So I was like, that's what I have to do.

[863] So I started eating cottage cheese in the middle of the night.

[864] So I would wake up at like 2 a .m. And I would eat this cottage cheese.

[865] And then one week later after that, I came in on a Monday and I just seen the guys on a Friday and I came in on a Monday and for whatever reason it was like I popped they were like oh okay it's all gonna work it's all gonna work this works and I was yeah I went from yeah about like 160 to 220 from episode 38 Catherine Hahn you do bad moms with my wife yeah And I go down to, I guess Atlanta was the first place or New Orleans was the first place.

[866] New Orleans.

[867] Norlands.

[868] I go down there.

[869] I'm very excited to see you on set.

[870] I go to set and I want to pick right up with whatever rapport we had.

[871] And you were definitely in the zone.

[872] Yeah.

[873] Of being in that character.

[874] Yeah.

[875] And now I'm going to ask you if my hunch was right or not.

[876] Initially, I was like, oh, my God, where's that super sweet, warm person?

[877] and I was so excited to shoot the shit with.

[878] And then here was my conclusion.

[879] I want you telling me if I'm wrong.

[880] Days later, when I got over my own selfish thing, I thought, I bet Catherine's a little afraid playing this role.

[881] This is a big swing.

[882] Is she a little nervous?

[883] And was I just, what I was reading as your lack of interest in connecting with me is like, oh, I bet this is a big swing for her.

[884] Does that make sense?

[885] Is that offensive?

[886] or is that, like, I walked away going, oh, I think maybe that was a...

[887] I am so glad that you brought this up.

[888] Oh, okay.

[889] I'm so excited.

[890] Because...

[891] Are you as nervous as me?

[892] I feel very nervous.

[893] I'm nervous and excited.

[894] I remember Dax Shepherd from that.

[895] Okay.

[896] Is that you came up to me and said, Catherine.

[897] Yeah.

[898] When I first heard you were playing this part, I was like, what?

[899] But, Catherine, I can't picture you playing this.

[900] Okay.

[901] Oh, Jesus.

[902] And I was like, yes.

[903] Oh, why?

[904] Why did I say that?

[905] Well, because you probably were thinking, like, how is she going to pull this off?

[906] Well, no, you know what I more accurately was thinking?

[907] How is anybody going to play this?

[908] Because I read that script.

[909] Oh, God.

[910] I'm so glad that we talked about this, Jack Sheppard.

[911] I thought I got a cold vibe from you.

[912] Oh, my God.

[913] No, no, no, no. Oh, I'm so here's so here's so really quick.

[914] So I can clear them up my side.

[915] So I had read that script a bunch of times.

[916] Your role on paper was one liner, one liner, one liner, one line or one.

[917] Dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty.

[918] And I thought, how was an actor going to make this three -dimensional?

[919] And so, first of all, I knew you from the other thing and then other things.

[920] And then when I saw you, what I was really saying is like, oh, my God, you have the look.

[921] Like, you've already, like, I was thinking, how are you going, what are you going to do physically that's going to allow you to do all that believably.

[922] And when I saw you for the first time, what I was really trying to say is like, oh my God, you picked a perfect look.

[923] This is amazing.

[924] And obviously I chose much different words to get that point across.

[925] I am so glad that we talked about this.

[926] Because I noticed a shift too when I was like, what is that?

[927] Yeah, exactly.

[928] Oh, okay.

[929] So it just sounded to you like I was saying basically why did they pick you for this role.

[930] Is that what you heard?

[931] Yes.

[932] Okay.

[933] I should have started by saying you absolutely did it perfect you know that's my opinion of it you were so funny i'm so glad we did this because you're i'm we should have started this at the goddamn beginning we should have cleared this goddamn air why did we started like this from episode 41 darcy card i can imagine that because i was doing the o'reilly theme song and um i changed it to maybe the the singer was clearing their throat is part of the O 'O, O 'Riley.

[934] So instead, you know, it goes, oh, oh, O 'O, O 'Reilly.

[935] What if I went?

[936] Riley was the song.

[937] And I couldn't stop doing it.

[938] O 'Reilly.

[939] Yours is great.

[940] It really makes sense.

[941] What you do it one more time?

[942] Riley.

[943] I really hope somehow the folks at O 'Reilly will get word of this and just try one.

[944] Even if it's like in a small market.

[945] Come on.

[946] Give us a call.

[947] It could be really viral.

[948] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[949] What is that?

[950] Oh, someone's clearing their throat.

[951] Oh, it's your throat.

[952] Oh, I recognize this.

[953] Fuck, I need a distributor.

[954] I hadn't even, I was trying to remember to get a distributor.

[955] Oh, this is some free press for them right now.

[956] They are so lucky.

[957] All right.

[958] Episode 14, sweet Seth Green.

[959] There was all these like really heightened moments that would never happen in your real life, that were happening daily for us.

[960] We're working with a fucking real 10 -foot bear that's 1 ,400 pounds, Bart the Bear.

[961] That was.

[962] Every day was something cuckoo.

[963] To date, one of the more amazing experiences of my life.

[964] There's one moment that kind of trumps all of them for me is that they kept Bart the bear in this horse trailer and they'd keep him in there until it's time for him to work.

[965] Mind you, he is not nocturnal, but all of it is a night shoot.

[966] So he's grumpy as fuck and they're feeding him a huge saucepan of coffee.

[967] Do you remember that?

[968] I forgot about that.

[969] They had a huge long sauce pan.

[970] They're feeding him coffee and donuts.

[971] So he's eating sugar and caffeine.

[972] He's so irate.

[973] And so he's in this horse trailer.

[974] And all of a sudden you just, you hear, and the horse trailer is rocking back and forth on two wheels.

[975] And Doug goes, oh, got to go in there.

[976] And Doug opens the door to a horse trailer.

[977] This thing's going fucking King Kong in there.

[978] And he goes in there.

[979] And you hear him screaming, no, bar, no, no, no bar.

[980] And the fucking trailer smashing around everything.

[981] And he's now pinned Doug under him.

[982] And then you hear, Good boy, Bart. And then the trailer is completely calm.

[983] Stay tuned for more armchair expert, if you dare.

[984] Episode 51, Brené Brown.

[985] This is what we went through in five minutes backstage, whether you can say pussy or not.

[986] I tried to make an argument that since we're saying dick, you can say pussy, but maybe we'll touch on that.

[987] I called bullshit.

[988] He calls bullshit.

[989] My argument in a nutshell is this.

[990] First of all, first of all...

[991] In a very small nutshell.

[992] You're playing on the stereotype of penis shaming, and I accept it, and I...

[993] Oh, I wasn't even thinking about that.

[994] I think it's great.

[995] I think all the shaming should work.

[996] No, but...

[997] All the shaming.

[998] I want to say out of the gates, it's deplorable that we call people pussies referring to them as cowards, and that the female genitalia is now somehow synonymous with weakness.

[999] So that's wrong.

[1000] That's wrong.

[1001] That's wrong.

[1002] So I'm on the record.

[1003] That is wrong.

[1004] But I would argue it's equally wrong that every asshole in the world is a dick.

[1005] Like, that's my genitalia, y 'all.

[1006] So it's cool if my genitalia is used to shame people but not your genitalia.

[1007] It feels very equal.

[1008] Because your genitalia, is attached to the patriarchy.

[1009] Yep.

[1010] My testicles are in between that, but yes.

[1011] No, you know what?

[1012] I just think...

[1013] I just think there's a...

[1014] I just, yeah.

[1015] I take...

[1016] You don't think it's equal.

[1017] No. Because the balance of power is such that it makes it different.

[1018] Yeah, it's not equal.

[1019] But then I proposed this question to you.

[1020] I said, okay, so we're not going to use pussy anymore.

[1021] This is all within like 20 seconds of me. And my wife was like, yeah, tear him up.

[1022] Get them in, get in there.

[1023] Fuck him up.

[1024] You PhD, let him have it.

[1025] So I said, okay, pussy's off the table now.

[1026] Dude doesn't want to jump off a tall bridge.

[1027] It's not a pussy.

[1028] Right.

[1029] Smart guy.

[1030] Yeah.

[1031] But then I said, then we can't say dick anymore.

[1032] You can't say a dick cut me off in traffic.

[1033] Yeah, I can.

[1034] Yeah, you can.

[1035] Okay.

[1036] I mean, there's something.

[1037] I mean, like, there's something poetic about, look, don't be a dick.

[1038] Listen, round one is you.

[1039] Round one is you.

[1040] From episode 33, Seth Rogen.

[1041] No, I've had it go every which way.

[1042] But, like, I did them recently and, like, got a thousand times more fucked up than I expected to.

[1043] Oh, really?

[1044] Okay, okay.

[1045] That's kind of neat to know.

[1046] Yeah, and it was still out there.

[1047] It was like, I was like, I hadn't felt like that since I was in high school.

[1048] Like, honestly, I was just like, this is, I was like, I've gone to another realm of function out.

[1049] Like, like, you would take me to an insane asylum if you, if you happened upon me. I think to me personally, it's like looking in every drawer, you know?

[1050] Sure.

[1051] Like, it's really, to me, like, I, that's what I personally have found it helpful for.

[1052] It's like, if there is anything you're sitting on that will probably uncover it in some capacity, a huge amount of mushrooms.

[1053] And so that like, and it was something that I was like, I feel like I should do shrooms.

[1054] I haven't done them in a few years.

[1055] I've like a lot, you know, maybe my brain could use like a kick in the fucking gut.

[1056] And then, yeah.

[1057] Yeah.

[1058] And then I did them and I got a hundred million times more fucked up than I thought I was going to.

[1059] And then I did acid for the first time recently, actually.

[1060] How was that?

[1061] I tried it one time and it didn't work for me. So I feel very.

[1062] For me, it worked.

[1063] It was, I found it to be like a little.

[1064] like generic it was it was fun it lasts a super fucking long time like how long like 12 hours 12 hours like I took them at 4 p .m. and like forced myself into bed at like 4 a .m. and was like probably like hallucinated almost the most as I was lying in bed like trying to go to sleep yeah that's the part that doesn't appeal to me when even when I have my fantasies about doing drugs still yeah I was in a bunk I was literally in a bunk bed and Evan was in the bunk bed below me. Oh, my God.

[1065] This is wonderful.

[1066] So cute.

[1067] And so it wasn't, I was, I was okay.

[1068] I felt it, I felt at peace.

[1069] And then I woke up the next morning and I felt 100 % okay.

[1070] Oh, that's great.

[1071] This is fantastic.

[1072] It was wonderful.

[1073] From episode 71, Lil Rel.

[1074] So, I mean, you know, my kids go to a, with me, I went to a predominantly, but school, but with them, they go to a great mixed school.

[1075] Well, I mean, when I say mixed, maybe them and white people.

[1076] And I never forget, this is, I took him to a, his sister couldn't come to the birthday party because she didn't feel good.

[1077] So it was just me and him, we went to this birthday party.

[1078] And I went to get him something to eat.

[1079] And then I hear a group of people clapping, like, oh, go, go, go.

[1080] And I'm like, oh, somebody ain't dancing in the circles?

[1081] And I go, oh, back over there.

[1082] It's my son, darn.

[1083] And I like that white people, but just to see a group of white people with a circle, like, yeah, do it!

[1084] Don't dance for them.

[1085] What the fuck you do it?

[1086] Please somebody else join in.

[1087] Raise up other kids and that.

[1088] That's complicated.

[1089] It feels very complicated.

[1090] Because I didn't want to overdo it.

[1091] Like, man, you should be doing it because you're having fun, but it's like, fuck.

[1092] Yeah.

[1093] You don't want to get him a history lesson.

[1094] He used to having a good time.

[1095] I was stressed out.

[1096] So this is Sammy Davis, Jr., okay?

[1097] Dude, it was like, yes.

[1098] It felt like that.

[1099] It was the scariest.

[1100] It was like, oh, shit, it's happening.

[1101] And I'm like, apparently, I'm like, God, your son had so many moves.

[1102] He wouldn't even have fucking good.

[1103] Episode 67, our Christmas special.

[1104] Oh, my God.

[1105] What a treat, you guys.

[1106] This song is called Fading Fest.

[1107] Find some sweet.

[1108] Mom and Day.

[1109] Dad, we're all fucked up.

[1110] Mom and Dad, we're having a hard time with that.

[1111] I'm clawing my chest.

[1112] That fucking voice.

[1113] I'm going to sound so corny, but I'm going to say it.

[1114] There's so few people's voice where when you hear it, you literally think you're looking at their heart.

[1115] Episode five, Jimmy Kimmel.

[1116] You're kind of mean, too.

[1117] You like to play jokes on people.

[1118] You ruined my birthday party one time.

[1119] over I am not you can't ruin a party when it happens at the end of the party the party was over no and when I think of that birthday party I only think of that coffee pot but I like to believe I like to believe that you you knowing how happy it made me actually made you happy as a result well that's what kept us from ever getting in like a fist fight over it but but what it happened is um I like to make my coffee the night before and I said a timer so it'll be ready when I wake up in the morning.

[1120] This is like the most important part of my whole day is that when I wake up the kitchen smells like coffee.

[1121] And so I had gone through the whole process.

[1122] I'm also cheap as a motherfucker as we just discussed on the way up.

[1123] Neither of us will heat our pool.

[1124] Right.

[1125] Yeah.

[1126] I think that's reasonable.

[1127] I don't think that's cheap.

[1128] So, you know, I make myself 10, 10 cups of coffee and I buy Starbucks.

[1129] So this is about a $4 pot of coffee I've made.

[1130] And because there was a party and it had gotten switch to the brew mode and not the auto on mode i made the whole thing i hit the button which i thought was arming it for the next morning i go into the living room we play ping pong and i smell coffee all of a sudden i'm like why the fuck is the coffee going out right so i'm inordinately mad right out of the gates that this this coffee is brewed so then i go back in i have to throw no one's drinking coffee at nine o 'clock at night so now i pour out 10 cups of coffee in the in the sink that makes me even matter and then now i remake it now my stepdad watches me remake this coffee and then he sees me hit the thing.

[1131] I've now put it on auto on.

[1132] I now go to play ping pong again.

[1133] My stepdad thinks, oh, poor guy.

[1134] He meant to brew a pot of coffee, but he put it on the timer.

[1135] So he puts it on brew and bruises it so not playing ping pong.

[1136] I fucking smell the coffee the second time.

[1137] And now my reaction is if someone drove a car through the living room, like I am so angry that now I'm out 20 fucking cups of Starbucks coffee.

[1138] I like storm in there I'm actually yelling in the party don't fucking touch the coffee pot like I don't no one touches this coffee pot I pour out the coffee I make a whole new batch of coffee go back in a big pot about 15 minutes later Kimmel goes all right man I'm taking off I'll see you later in the fucking door shuts and then I smell coffee he went in there and brewed a third pot of coffee I remember you looking out the window and I didn't I hadn't told Sarah, my girlfriend, what I'd done.

[1139] You must have been so delighted to get in your car.

[1140] And I was like, you know, of course, tears were streaming down my face.

[1141] She's like, what did you do?

[1142] You do make more coffee?

[1143] I mean, I had actually embarrassed myself.

[1144] Like, had even the third pot not happened, definitely everyone in the party's like, he is irrationally upset.

[1145] You had no choice.

[1146] Start the coffee.

[1147] Yeah, you had to.

[1148] From our third episode, Ashton Coucher.

[1149] Because you have a twin brother.

[1150] Yep.

[1151] And he had.

[1152] And an older sister.

[1153] And an older sister.

[1154] And he had medical conditions when you were a kid.

[1155] And I have to imagine that that had to have taken up a ton of the time, attention, and resources growing up.

[1156] Yep.

[1157] Did it?

[1158] Yeah.

[1159] My brother was born with mild cerebral palsy.

[1160] Right.

[1161] And so he was always, it was always cardiomyopathy.

[1162] Yeah, he had a cardiomyopathy when he was 12 and then had a heart transplant.

[1163] and it was yeah he he took up a ton of energy because of that yeah in very early which is probably before I could kind of record it right and then when he went through it when we went when he had the heart transplant that was that was like and it was right around right after my parents got a divorce and so it was like it was there was like right around the same time and so that was there was definitely a ton of energy that was going his way relative to that.

[1164] And I think like, so it did two things.

[1165] Did you feel guilty that here you guys are twins and he's going through all this stuff and you're not?

[1166] Or were you just like, fuck this?

[1167] I want my time.

[1168] When I was a kid, I didn't know, right?

[1169] I just had my best friend that was with me. And I didn't even really recognize that he had anything less than I had when I was a kid.

[1170] And then it wasn't until we started like playing basketball and things like.

[1171] And I would kind of always win.

[1172] Right.

[1173] And it was like this sort of litmus of, you know.

[1174] And then I became extremely defensive of him to protect him.

[1175] So he would get in a fight.

[1176] Because you guys would enter, you entered school together, right?

[1177] Yeah.

[1178] So we were in the same grade, the same way, the whole way, in the same class.

[1179] And so we had like, you know, when he, like, I remember a junior high, like, he was, like, started problems with the wrong kid.

[1180] and the kid, like, came after him after school and was going to fight him.

[1181] And I knew that if he fought him, like, if he did hit him anywhere near his chest, like, it would blow open because he used it.

[1182] And I was like, all right, I got to fight this kid for him.

[1183] You know, it was like that kind of, and that was my mentality.

[1184] But there was also, I think the most significant thing that happened is when I was like 23 or four.

[1185] And he said to me, you know, every time that you feel sorry for me, you make me less.

[1186] and he said the only life I've ever known is this one and so don't make it less than mine wow and I was like whoa like that's just it was a massive wake -up call because my whole life I realized at that moment that I felt bad yeah and felt sorry and guilty but my whole life for the fact that my brother was going through this and I wasn't yeah and so I it flipped a switch for me relative to not just my brother, but to everyone, right?

[1187] So if I see a homeless person on the side of the road, feeling sorry for that person makes them less and in their life.

[1188] Like, I can have compassion and I can have care, but it's very, compassion and care is very different than feeling sorry for someone.

[1189] Well, in a sense, it's like, feeling sorry for someone is a nice way of saying pity.

[1190] And it was a weird shift in the way that I see the world and see people.

[1191] From episode 11, my doppelganger, Zach Braff.

[1192] I don't think America's ready for us to be visually in front of them at the same time.

[1193] Well, the picture that we're going to take is going to blow people's minds.

[1194] And I think you and I have both talked publicly about the fact that Kristen once took one of those face -swapping photos of you and I and just switched our face.

[1195] And you genuinely can't tell who.

[1196] whose face is on who.

[1197] It's really weird, though, because I've been told I look like so many people throughout my life, but I feel like as we're aging, we are merging in our looks.

[1198] Getting even closer.

[1199] And also, you've gotten way more successful and known, and it's changing and really annoying my life.

[1200] Good.

[1201] Good, good, good.

[1202] And I really want to go through the history of the whole thing with you.

[1203] Yes, let's start.

[1204] Because my earliest memory of it is Kristen taking that face swap picture.

[1205] It was a long time ago.

[1206] And I remember, oh, that is funny because we do kind of look alike.

[1207] That was the first time you had heard that?

[1208] No, I think I'd heard it.

[1209] And so I knew why she was doing it, but I think it wasn't, it wasn't everywhere.

[1210] Right.

[1211] Now it comes in my life every two days.

[1212] Yeah, I think both of us have had tweets where we said, like, if someone doesn't point that out to me after like a day, I think Twitter's broken.

[1213] Like, I think it actually is, is not functioning for people.

[1214] It's funny that on Twitter, people are like, has anyone ever thought that?

[1215] Like, yes.

[1216] People have thought it.

[1217] Let me tell you what hurts my feelings.

[1218] When they find out I'm not you.

[1219] This is how it usually goes down.

[1220] Because we have so much in common.

[1221] What's bizarre is not only we look alike, we have so much in common.

[1222] And one of the things is that we are both on a show that mixed drama and comedy.

[1223] So I will have people come up to me and they go, holding their heart.

[1224] And they're going, I just got to say, I loved your show.

[1225] And I'll go, thank you so much.

[1226] You're so sweet.

[1227] And they'll go, and just the way that it would go between comedy and drama.

[1228] I go, thank you.

[1229] I know.

[1230] That was all Bill Lawrence.

[1231] And, but no, I'm not going to say I didn't improv a little.

[1232] And they'd be like, and your wife is the cutest.

[1233] And I'm like, oh, I don't have a wife, let alone a cute one.

[1234] Welcome to my world where I think most compliments are just a conduit to tell me they like my wife.

[1235] It's like they got to get through the part where they act like me just eventually.

[1236] Yeah, basically Kristen's fame is really made things difficult for me. Yeah.

[1237] Well, let me tell you from my, because you were successful before I was.

[1238] And the very first time this was brought to my attention, my uncle called me. He goes, oh my God, I thought you finally got a show.

[1239] Have you seen the show Scrubs?

[1240] I'm like, no, he goes, this guy's identical to you.

[1241] And, you know, generally when people tell you you look like somebody, I never agree.

[1242] Like the other people, I'm like, I don't see it.

[1243] People will tell me I look like Tom Petty.

[1244] No, I get Tom Cavana.

[1245] Do you get Tom Cavana?

[1246] No. You get Ray Romano.

[1247] That's where we diverge is that.

[1248] I don't look anything like Ray Romano.

[1249] But you know how you do look like a little bit.

[1250] Our Venn diagram overlaps at John Ritter, I think.

[1251] Okay, I'll take that.

[1252] We both look a little like a young John Ritter.

[1253] That's flattering.

[1254] Yeah, I get the guy a lot from, um, uh, Kruger, Chad Kruger.

[1255] Yeah, Chad Kruger.

[1256] Yeah, I'm not going to get the Chad Kruger.

[1257] You know, it was better when you, for both of us, when your hair was more blonde.

[1258] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1259] Is there some sort of, are you open to dying?

[1260] I used to get highlights because my hero Brad Pitt got highlights, so I did too.

[1261] And, yeah, I've just fallen off of it.

[1262] But so my uncle says, you know, watch this, the show Scrubs.

[1263] I tune it in and I got to say, I was like, oh my God, that is me. Not just the physical stuff like the nose and the mouth, but the way you talk, the way your lips move.

[1264] You once said to me, and I always tell people this story, because we come from such different backgrounds.

[1265] You said, look, this movie sells itself.

[1266] We were separated at birth.

[1267] Identical twins.

[1268] Identical twins.

[1269] You said I was, you were raised in the south.

[1270] By hillbillies.

[1271] Yeah.

[1272] Or like, you work on a ranch or something.

[1273] And I'm like East Coast Jewish guy.

[1274] Yeah.

[1275] And for some reason, we have to go to the opposite.

[1276] I have to go work with the Hillbillies.

[1277] Yeah.

[1278] And you have to go to the Bar Mitzvah for the Goldbergs.

[1279] Yeah.

[1280] Well, you know what would be great is just a body switching comedy with you.

[1281] And there's no stakes.

[1282] There's absolutely no stakes.

[1283] It's like, oh no, I look just like me. And I do the same thing.

[1284] What will I do?

[1285] But my pitch to you that that movie was called nature versus nurture.

[1286] And it was, the movie was, you know, in a comedic way, was going to tackle, what does your upbringing do to you?

[1287] Could it make you a Jewish guy on one side and a hillbilly on the other if we started as the same?

[1288] This is an exciting premise.

[1289] I'm one ticket sold for that movie, Jack.

[1290] I don't know why you haven't pitched it yet.

[1291] I go to see my doctor literally yesterday.

[1292] I walk in and he's a really sassy doctor.

[1293] He likes to be a wise ass.

[1294] It's part of his schick.

[1295] And he goes, I got to tell you something.

[1296] I just saw this movie on the plane.

[1297] And I go, going in style is pretty good, right?

[1298] He goes, no, no, No, no, no, no. It was a guy who looks like you.

[1299] I'm like, Dax Shepherd.

[1300] He goes, yeah, yeah, chips.

[1301] Saw on the plane.

[1302] I go, he goes, you really, really look alike.

[1303] I go, I know.

[1304] I know.

[1305] He goes, he's in really good shape.

[1306] And I go, no, I know he works out a lot, I think, obviously.

[1307] And he goes, no, but I mean, like, he's a really, really good shape.

[1308] I don't know, I got it.

[1309] And I go.

[1310] What a weird thing for your doctor to be telling you?

[1311] No, listen, it goes, one step worse.

[1312] So I go, I know, I got it.

[1313] I got it.

[1314] So then he goes, go to room two.

[1315] I'll be in a second.

[1316] He comes in a room.

[1317] too.

[1318] He goes, I mean, the dude is like ripped.

[1319] And he goes, okay, take off your shirt.

[1320] We're going to take up your shirt.

[1321] And I take off my shirt.

[1322] He goes, oh, man. Yeah, you look nothing like him.

[1323] No. From episode 21, Dr. Wendy Mogul.

[1324] So we also in some ways act as though the normal curve has died.

[1325] And children are either exceptional or failing.

[1326] Nobody's in the middle.

[1327] Right, right.

[1328] And everything has to be curated and choreographed.

[1329] And those 20 people that are your community better be the right 20 people today.

[1330] Yeah, I hope they're hot.

[1331] Well, the other part is, no, I always say to parents, I want your middle school -aged daughter to have a really slutty shallow best friend.

[1332] Okay.

[1333] Tell me why.

[1334] Because it's fun.

[1335] Yeah, it is, right?

[1336] It's fun and it's life.

[1337] And they work so hard.

[1338] They're taking AP classes already in 10th grade.

[1339] Yeah.

[1340] So at least there's some liveliness and interesting things to talk about.

[1341] Right.

[1342] We want it sanitized.

[1343] So glad that we got a doctor to say that out of all.

[1344] He's going to use that a lot.

[1345] That'll go.

[1346] That'll be ammo for me. From our second episode, Kristen Bell.

[1347] Now let's talk about the worst thing I think I ever did in your presence.

[1348] I know exactly what it is.

[1349] So we have a longstanding issue with leaving the house on time.

[1350] I think it's a very male, female, normal thing.

[1351] I'm not good at it.

[1352] I'm admittedly not good at it.

[1353] I'm about ten minutes.

[1354] I'm neurotic about being on time or early to places.

[1355] Uh -huh.

[1356] And I think that's a waste.

[1357] Uh -huh.

[1358] And you're late to a fault.

[1359] So this is a recipe for disaster.

[1360] Yeah.

[1361] And it always rears its ugly head, particularly when we go to the movies.

[1362] I like to get there with plenty of time to get that popcorn and get my soda.

[1363] And I don't see the point of my day when I have to get to a movie theater 25 minutes in advance and sit in a light theater, especially since even during that 25 minutes when I've like just patronized you and been like, fine, we'll get there whatever time you want.

[1364] And like you won't let me go out and look at the movie posters because you're like, it's about to start.

[1365] Well, normally we're late too.

[1366] Probably more often than that.

[1367] I can't have this conversation with you.

[1368] Just tell the story.

[1369] So we were, this was one of.

[1370] of our worst times of leaving the house.

[1371] I was very pissed by the time we pulled out of the driveway.

[1372] And I was driving.

[1373] We were going to see, never say never, the Justin Dever documentary.

[1374] I was seeing it for the second time because I enjoyed it so much.

[1375] Yes.

[1376] And I was driving, you know, even faster than normal to get there because I was afraid we were going to be late.

[1377] And I came flying around this corner and it's kind of a gentle right turn.

[1378] And I went through that turn at about 50 miles an hour.

[1379] And there was a huge group of pigeons in the road.

[1380] And in my life experience, up to that point, you can't hit a pigeon.

[1381] Even if you wanted to hit a pigeon, you can't hit them.

[1382] They always get out of the way of your car.

[1383] And on this occasion, they did not get out of the way.

[1384] And you hit upwards of 20 pigeons.

[1385] It was like.

[1386] It was the worst.

[1387] At the windshield.

[1388] Oh, my God.

[1389] Even saying it now, I feel even worse than I did then.

[1390] it was it was brutal it was uh it was a terrible terrible thing i lost my breath and we were already fighting so when that happened i knew this is over like she may leave me over this um it was it was bad it was really rough it you're not exaggerating in that it it sounded like running over like a a long line of cones or something yeah for sure and we got to the movie theater and we were meeting friends there who had kids and we sat down.

[1391] I wasn't speaking.

[1392] Yep.

[1393] You were not going to talk to me. And I cried through the first third of Never Say Never.

[1394] Yeah.

[1395] And I apologize like a hundred times.

[1396] And I said I don't want to speak to you right now.

[1397] That's right.

[1398] And my one regret.

[1399] This is more a story about the power of that movie, right?

[1400] It really brought us up.

[1401] Because we were by the end of that movie, we were laughing and crying and cheering about Beaver.

[1402] It really pulled us out of it, didn't it?

[1403] That's true.

[1404] Well, my one regret is that I thought about right after we did it, making you get out and check for signs of life.

[1405] And I didn't do that.

[1406] And I'm very regretful even to this day because thinking one of those pigeons could have suffered, again, happiness versus suffering, because of something that we did.

[1407] Collectively, we did.

[1408] Yes, I was 10 minutes late.

[1409] I wasn't there 25 minutes in advance to the Arc Light Theater.

[1410] but you were speeding and acting like a fucking crazy person to try to get to the theater, which I did not think was an okay expectation to have.

[1411] It was an uncalled for speed for sure.

[1412] Yes.

[1413] And then I was so stunned as to what had just occurred in my life that I didn't have the wherewithal.

[1414] And this is very, very few moments do I regret where I didn't have the wherewithal to like find my moxie and say what I meant and what I wanted.

[1415] But right after the documentary.

[1416] Which healed us a bit.

[1417] We were at least on speaking terms when the movie ended.

[1418] Well, because I realized I wasn't going to leave you over this.

[1419] But what I was going to do is tell you we will drive, which I did, we are going to drive past.

[1420] And make sure none of them need to be put out of their misery.

[1421] And if they are, you are going to get out of the car and you are going to do it with your bare hands.

[1422] Yes.

[1423] Because if you're going to kill them in the car, you should be able to kill them with your bare hands.

[1424] I mean, we should have eaten them, really.

[1425] Your responsibility.

[1426] And we drove past and thankfully none of them.

[1427] but a couple of more dead in the road.

[1428] Yep.

[1429] And just when I thought, oh, thank God, this movie kind of got us back to talking, you said, we need to go back now.

[1430] And I was like, oh, Jesus, we're going back to the scene of the crime.

[1431] And we're going to relive this whole thing.

[1432] You're going to either perform CPR or you're going to break their necks.

[1433] Right.

[1434] And that is going to be something that you're going to have to deal with.

[1435] Yes.

[1436] And we went back and there were a few dead birds and luckily none of them were suffering.

[1437] I didn't have to do anything morbid, as it turns out.

[1438] That was rough.

[1439] Yeah.

[1440] And now is a smattering of Monica Nye's favorite fact -check moments.

[1441] Right, Monica?

[1442] Oh, yeah.

[1443] I haven't been here the whole time, but I'm here now.

[1444] Well, look, you're here now.

[1445] Right when it counts.

[1446] That's right.

[1447] Per Uge.

[1448] Per Ush.

[1449] She's an armchair fact -check.

[1450] Mm -mm.

[1451] She's an armchair fact check.

[1452] Merch, by the way.

[1453] We're going to start selling mugs.

[1454] Let's quickly just pitch that idea.

[1455] So some people have expressed some interest in our armchair expert mugs.

[1456] They're gorgeous Rob came up with it on his own.

[1457] He's got a great aesthetic.

[1458] Beautiful.

[1459] And what Rob did that was weird is that ours are, they're virtually left -handed mugs because you've got to hold it in your left hand for the artwork to be.

[1460] See you.

[1461] Which works for me because I'm left -handed.

[1462] But we decided if we do order mugs, we'll order them in the correct setup.

[1463] Yeah.

[1464] Most people are right -handed.

[1465] And then you had the brilliant idea.

[1466] Go ahead.

[1467] Hit them.

[1468] We're going to sell the left -handed mugs.

[1469] We have about 10.

[1470] Mm -hmm.

[1471] And these are worth a lot because these are the mugs that we use here in the attic.

[1472] Uh -huh.

[1473] The ones that live by the toilet.

[1474] Yeah.

[1475] Hit them with the price.

[1476] They're going to cost a little extra.

[1477] Uh -huh.

[1478] Because they're special.

[1479] So give or take $2 ,000 a mug.

[1480] This is great.

[1481] And the theory behind this is, which was really well articulated by, I think, our friend Troy, I guess Hooters used to offer like a bottle of Dom Perignon and some wings or something for some exorbitant price.

[1482] And then it was kind of a talking point.

[1483] So we decided maybe this, no one will ever buy one for 2000, but we'll just advertise them for 2000, just as something fun to talk about.

[1484] Like, can you believe those assholes that armchair expert think they can get two grand for a mug?

[1485] Yeah, and you know what?

[1486] Someone's going to buy it.

[1487] I hope some.

[1488] And we're going to do something special for these mugs, even extra special.

[1489] Our DNA will be on them.

[1490] Yeah, we're going to use them.

[1491] And then you'll have a little piece of us with you.

[1492] Yeah.

[1493] You can't really put a price on that.

[1494] Well, you could potentially clone us in the near future.

[1495] Our friend Molly won.

[1496] I'm actually happy she won two.

[1497] She deserves the win.

[1498] She's a much better person than me. She's a lovely girl.

[1499] She's a full -blown woman.

[1500] I don't want anyone to walk away thinking a child beat me and scrabble.

[1501] No, she's a fully functioning woman adult.

[1502] Yeah.

[1503] Beautiful and smart.

[1504] Very beautiful.

[1505] Very beautiful.

[1506] My buddy Eric's wife, I can't tell Eric, your wife's so hot.

[1507] She is.

[1508] She is incredibly stunning.

[1509] Yeah.

[1510] Built like a brick shit house too.

[1511] Is that still a compliment?

[1512] No, I don't know what that means, and I don't like any of the words in there.

[1513] Okay.

[1514] Then I strike that.

[1515] I strike it.

[1516] Oh, can I tell one quick thing?

[1517] Because I came out of the goddamn gates with a seven letter, a bingo, which is hard to recover from.

[1518] So all the more credit to her house that is built out of bricks.

[1519] She did a great job.

[1520] Where people can go to shit.

[1521] I don't understand what could possibly be.

[1522] Well, because I think, well, first of all, shit house, I think is an outhouse, okay?

[1523] So back in the day before people had indoor plumbing, my grandparents had an outhouse in LaVonia, Michigan.

[1524] And it's made generally of wood.

[1525] It's just like flimsily made.

[1526] People can pick it up and move it behind the hole, which is what my grandpa would do with his brother to their third brother.

[1527] And then the person falls in a pit of shit on their way in the middle of the night to use the bathroom.

[1528] So a brick shit house is very well constructed.

[1529] It goes, it harkens back to the three little pigs, Monica.

[1530] Okay.

[1531] It's the best.

[1532] It's a well -built.

[1533] I see.

[1534] And what I'm saying is Molly is well -built.

[1535] Yeah.

[1536] Like a brick shit house.

[1537] You're a brick shit house.

[1538] We like mac, ma 'am.

[1539] Oh, way, yeah.

[1540] And they speak in an Australian accent.

[1541] Or so I have deduced.

[1542] Surmised, yeah.

[1543] Yeah.

[1544] Thank you for calling Lucy for a spider.

[1545] We need to have three locations or all Melrose location, press one, or all Hill Health's location.

[1546] I can't even get through Hillhurst.

[1547] I think it's because...

[1548] I bottom out.

[1549] Welcome to this episode of Fact Check by Monica Padman.

[1550] That's me. Monica Padman.

[1551] That's not me. That's kind of you.

[1552] Once again, where are we?

[1553] Oh, so in the interim, since we did the intro and now we're doing the fact check, hit him with the bad news.

[1554] We've been fact -checked.

[1555] Robin, aka Robb.

[1556] A .A .A. Wobby -wob.

[1557] Wobby -wob.

[1558] Yeah.

[1559] My kids are now calling him Wabi -wob.

[1560] He's told us that the record for treading water is a mere 85 hours.

[1561] 85 hours, which I find so hard to believe because the person wouldn't have to sleep in that no they first they're they probably first won the record for not sleeping okay then they've just moved it to the water things they can do i say this sincerely i could not stay in a bed on my back for 85 hours it would hurt too much yeah after like 10 hours i start i'm in pain well we just don't have the disposition we don't have it in us do you do you want to tell people the ethnicity of this person i'd love to and i only feel like i'm allowed to because you're sitting next to yeah you're So impressive.

[1562] I was proud.

[1563] All the more reason I want my 23 and me results to show a little subcontinent.

[1564] I know.

[1565] A little bit of that secret sauce in my recipe.

[1566] You said you were making a joke and you said, quote, I was I was $6 .9ing a trophy and then I went to ATM.

[1567] Oh, sure.

[1568] What does that mean?

[1569] Well, I don't know.

[1570] I mean, I know what it is, but I just don't know that we should include it in the telecast.

[1571] Okay.

[1572] Tell me all the side.

[1573] ATM stands for something to mouth.

[1574] Oh.

[1575] Mm -hmm.

[1576] That's what you're not going to say on this podcast?

[1577] Ask to mouth.

[1578] That's kind of rough.

[1579] You said so.

[1580] My mother listens to this podcast.

[1581] Oh, my God.

[1582] I can't believe that's the thing you decided to censor.

[1583] You don't think it deserves censoring?

[1584] I mean, it's a very advanced.

[1585] 69ing is earlier in that sentence.

[1586] But 69ing is like holding hands.

[1587] It's almost.

[1588] It's almost exclusively done in your late teens and early 20s.

[1589] It's not like you're never going to walk in on grandma and grandpa, 609.

[1590] It just gets retired.

[1591] It's like you want to.

[1592] You're probably not going to walk in on them.

[1593] Well, speaking.

[1594] Well, I can't speak to that.

[1595] I'm just shocked to my core that you had some reservation.

[1596] I'm starting to think you don't know what I'm saying.

[1597] No, I know what you're saying.

[1598] Well, walk me through it?

[1599] No. Oh, so, oh, it's so innocent, but you can't actually walk me through it?

[1600] I did not say it was so innocent.

[1601] I said of all the things you say, not me, I don't say very much gross stuff on here.

[1602] Okay.

[1603] Or controversial stuff.

[1604] Well, whatever.

[1605] But you do all the time and you love to do it.

[1606] So I'm shocked.

[1607] I think sex is a party.

[1608] So then why wouldn't you say it?

[1609] That's my whole point.

[1610] Because I am sympathetic to the.

[1611] The fact that many of our beautiful arm cherries, God bless them.

[1612] Maybe I don't know what you mean.

[1613] Are not.

[1614] It means butt fucking and pulling your dick out of the ass and sticking it right in the girl's mouth and getting head while you were butt fucking.

[1615] Hmm.

[1616] You did not know that.

[1617] You didn't.

[1618] I knew it.

[1619] No, I didn't.

[1620] I knew it because.

[1621] But I don't think any of, I don't think most of the people would think that if they heard that.

[1622] To me, that was, what could ask to mouth mean?

[1623] Eating someone's ass.

[1624] Oh, yeah, that does make a lot of sense.

[1625] Yeah.

[1626] That makes the most sense, not incorporating all this other stuff.

[1627] Okay.

[1628] So, right.

[1629] So you're right.

[1630] With your interpretation of ATM, I would have easily said that because I said it in a movie I wrote.

[1631] Correct.

[1632] But I would not have put anything in chips that said the dick moving from ass to mouth.

[1633] Well, yeah.

[1634] Okay.

[1635] That would have been too far.

[1636] Okay.

[1637] I will say when this goes sideways and people are mad about it, I did warn you it was hot in here.

[1638] It is very, very hot.

[1639] Happy Thanksgiving, everybody.

[1640] Turkey Day.

[1641] Turkey day.

[1642] I stole that impersonation of a turkey from Aaron Weekly.

[1643] Oh, that's his impersonation?

[1644] He does such a good turkey impersonation.

[1645] What a niche.

[1646] I know.

[1647] Before I knew him, I think I went gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble.

[1648] Her standard.

[1649] Yeah.

[1650] He goes, and I think it sounds more like a turkey.

[1651] Yeah, I think you're right.

[1652] So her high school crush wore, how did she pronounce it, Stussie, Stucie?

[1653] Well, there's a brand called Stussy.

[1654] Okay, no, Stucie.

[1655] Is it a brand called Stucie?

[1656] Yeah, that makes some pretty nice garments.

[1657] Stucy I had never heard of in my whole life.

[1658] It's a clothing brand created in the 80s by Sean Stoose.

[1659] And he married one of the moms on Full House.

[1660] Who?

[1661] Which one?

[1662] What's her name?

[1663] I did a movie with her.

[1664] Jody Sweden?

[1665] No, no, no. Mary Kate Olson, Ashley Olson.

[1666] No, no, no, no, no. There's only three sisters.

[1667] No, it was one of the parents.

[1668] Candice Cameron.

[1669] Lori Loughlin.

[1670] Yep.

[1671] Really?

[1672] Yeah, Lori Loughlin, I believe, is married.

[1673] Uncle Jesse's, Aunt Becky?

[1674] The hot blonde gal.

[1675] She didn't have blonde hair.

[1676] Well, this one did.

[1677] Aunt Becky didn't have blonde hair.

[1678] Fuck, all right.

[1679] I sure it was full house.

[1680] No, I'm not.

[1681] I just know that she was a very famous 90s actors and I did a movie with her.

[1682] And she's so lovely and I'm embarrassed.

[1683] I can't remember.

[1684] Lori Loughlin.

[1685] It is her?

[1686] She doesn't have blonde hair.

[1687] Oh, really?

[1688] Then what the fuck is going on in that photo?

[1689] Look it.

[1690] That is blonde hair.

[1691] That is, oh my God, I'm not going to.

[1692] That is blonde hair.

[1693] No, it's not.

[1694] Yes, it is.

[1695] It's blatantly blonde.

[1696] Look at her hair.

[1697] Look at her roots.

[1698] I'm not claiming her roots are blonde.

[1699] Okay, I'm sorry.

[1700] Her hair is blonde.

[1701] It matches her shirt.

[1702] This is Aunt Becky on Full House, okay?

[1703] Yes, oh my God, Monica, her hair is blonde.

[1704] What are you talking about?

[1705] Her hair is blonde.

[1706] That is brown hair.

[1707] It's light brown.

[1708] I mean, this piece right here matches her white shirt.

[1709] That is not Full House.

[1710] That's post Full House, Aunt Becky.

[1711] But the point is, is Lori Loughlin is married to Stissy, or was when I worked with Point is, she's married to Stoosy, was married to Stozy, and she has brown hair.

[1712] That's the walk.

[1713] That's the takeaways.

[1714] Oh, my God.

[1715] Her husband.

[1716] That's Stucy, I bet.

[1717] His name is Sean Stucy.

[1718] Yeah.

[1719] Oh, Mawasimo.

[1720] Oh, my God.

[1721] What a long, long walk to be wrong.

[1722] But if you're ever going to confuse two brand names, Stussy and Mossimo are pretty darned clothes no oh my god massimo's like a fancy brand yeah so is stucy in high school stuzy is like crap she's married to mosimo masimo masimo masimoto she's married to masimoto let me just show you what stucy clothing looks like i know you don't need to show me i had a sweatshirt a stucy sweatshirt and you think that's the same as mosimo sweatshirt and they were very similar in their maybe i'm thinking of not masimo you're thinking you're thinking of You know what you're thinking of?

[1723] I know exactly what you're thinking of.

[1724] And they sold it at Target for a minute.

[1725] Masoni.

[1726] Jesus, John.

[1727] We got to cut this in tight.

[1728] No, I'm leaving it all in.

[1729] No, I'm going to get in there.

[1730] No, you're not.

[1731] I am.

[1732] Quitting the show.

[1733] This is my last fact.

[1734] I am a little bummed.

[1735] I was thinking about it after the fact, and especially when I was going back and listening.

[1736] I am upset with myself.

[1737] that I didn't have a louder voice in the, especially the elements of the conversation about me too, all that stuff.

[1738] That applies way more to me than it applies to two men sitting in a room.

[1739] For sure.

[1740] I have no problem generally expressing my opinion, but I think that is sort of a weird microcosm for the whole issue in general.

[1741] 100%.

[1742] That was exact, I think you're dead right.

[1743] I think it's a total microcosm of the whole thing and why this issue even exists is because men feel like they have this right to constantly dominate or assert themselves and insert themselves anywhere.

[1744] Yes.

[1745] I certainly do.

[1746] And women don't seem to have that, feel like they have that right or maybe there's biological components and cultural components.

[1747] Yes.

[1748] I think generally it's nature and nurture that's contributing to this problem.

[1749] But I am, I am assertive.

[1750] And I'm very comfortable with you.

[1751] So it's not, and Talib was incredibly wonderful and I wasn't intimidated by him.

[1752] Well, I was because he was so smart.

[1753] But there is something about feeling like if you're a woman in a room with men, everything you say has to be extra good or extra profound.

[1754] Like the Chris Rock joke.

[1755] Well, you got to be the best R &B singer in the world to live in the neighborhood, the average white dentist.

[1756] Yeah, exactly.

[1757] And you have to sort of claw your way.

[1758] into the conversation, make yourself known, whereas no one else in that room is doing that.

[1759] Everyone feels entitled.

[1760] Great.

[1761] And so you bringing that up, you've kind of wanted to bring this up, point out what you've observed now doing 30 whatever fact checks and all this stuff.

[1762] Episodes.

[1763] Yeah, the difference between male and female guests when they come in.

[1764] Yeah.

[1765] I've noticed a lot of gender discrepancies.

[1766] One being, when I edit episodes with female guests, I've noticed that women often, they get their point across very clearly and are often very eloquent and have wonderful things to say.

[1767] And then immediately it's followed with a backtrack.

[1768] It's immediately like, yeah, but I mean, but I don't really know.

[1769] I don't, I mean, yeah, but maybe.

[1770] I don't really know what I'm talking about.

[1771] They mitigate what they just said.

[1772] It's a self -deprecation.

[1773] It feels like a struggle to have to say something definitively, even though they are.

[1774] They're speaking very clearly, and then it immediately is like, but did I make any sense?

[1775] I don't know.

[1776] And it's just to check on yourself that none, I think I will literally say none of the men that have come in here, I've done it.

[1777] And most of the women have, not all, there's been some exceptions, Katie Couric being one, who is used to not having to do that.

[1778] She proved she was extra greatest interviewer of all time.

[1779] Yeah.

[1780] It required her all that.

[1781] Clout.

[1782] Mm -hmm.

[1783] So my best friend, Aaron Weekly, was out visiting from Detroit.

[1784] This is probably 10 years ago.

[1785] And we were at a bar, and he was super drunk.

[1786] And he has zero awareness of movie, actors, celebrities, anything.

[1787] He just couldn't care less about any of it.

[1788] And we were at this karaoke bar in Koreatown, and he came out of the bathroom, and his eyes were It's so huge And he goes Holy shit I just saw fucking Terrence Posner at the toilet And I go What?

[1789] I saw fucking Terence Posner Is that the urinal And I go Who's Terence Posner And he goes The magician I go The magician Terence Posner Who the I've never heard of him He goes Yeah you have He's a fucking magician at Hogwarts.

[1790] And right at that moment, this guy walks out of the bathroom that, I mean, just barely looks like Harry Potter.

[1791] Yes.

[1792] He thought Harry Potter was Terrence Posner.

[1793] And this guy, when I say he kind of looked like him, I mean, he was a foot taller than him.

[1794] He was much broader, but I guess he had glasses.

[1795] That's pretty much what made him Terrence Posner.

[1796] That's such a good story.

[1797] Fucking Terrence Posner is in the way.

[1798] the toilet the magician the magician also to call him a magician he's a wizard well that yeah he oh boy so funny you know the word that always boggles me is bucksamy what the fuck is that word bucks a me with an X in it and do you say bucksamy I've never said it well yeah because it's intimidating right what does it mean it means big boobs yeah she was It was very bucks of me. It's like a, it's like a PG word, way to say someone's got fat naturals.

[1799] Well, I don't like any of these phrases.

[1800] I told you that.

[1801] I don't like fat nachies.

[1802] I know you know.

[1803] I love it.

[1804] I know you love it because...

[1805] Fat naturals.

[1806] Did I say that or did I go straight to fat nachies?

[1807] Because that, I thought was what was triggering you.

[1808] No, I don't like the fat portion.

[1809] No, think of it as P -H -A -T.

[1810] No, that's not what.

[1811] what it means.

[1812] That's not what it means.

[1813] You know that's not what it means.

[1814] Who would know what it means?

[1815] The person who introduced you to it or the person who heard it?

[1816] That's the same person.

[1817] Okay.

[1818] But I'm the one who told you the term.

[1819] Well, you didn't make it up.

[1820] Fat Natchys.

[1821] I did not make it up.

[1822] Two other friends of mine introduced me to it and I loved it.

[1823] Fat naturals.

[1824] Yeah.

[1825] And you really think that the intent of that word fat is P -H -A -T.

[1826] Yes.

[1827] I can tell you, regardless of what you think about it, that the two gentlemen that introduced me to the term and then me too, it is a great compliment.

[1828] I know that it's a compliment.

[1829] I'm not saying that you don't think it's a compliment, but you know that the word fat in that phrase is not referring to P -H -A -T.

[1830] It is.

[1831] Like if you were to say, oh, she had this just big fat ass and fat tities, that is, you're saying you are in.

[1832] You're excited.

[1833] excited by that you i know you're we're talking about two different things i'm not saying you aren't excited but you're talking about actual fat well literally i think that's what's in titties exactly yeah exactly you are talking about that so how could that be derogatory because nobody wants to be associated with anything f a t oh the au contraire mon frere remember when joy was in here and she said she was completely insecure in her neighborhood in the Bronx that she didn't have a fat ass, that that was very much desired.

[1834] Okay.

[1835] If someone said you have a fat dick, I'm in.

[1836] Thank you.

[1837] That's great.

[1838] You want someone to say.

[1839] I don't think that someone's saying my penis has a beer belly attached to it.

[1840] Okay.

[1841] Okay.

[1842] Well, I don't like it.

[1843] Okay, well, I will never, ever describe your breasts as fat naturals.

[1844] Great.

[1845] But at gunpoint, I'm forced to describe, who has the keys?

[1846] Monica does.

[1847] Who's Monica?

[1848] She, my friend, what does she look like?

[1849] And then by gunpoint, they forced me to describe exactly what you look like.

[1850] What do you want me to say?

[1851] I guess bucks on me. Bickram, does Bickram claim to have offered people a million dollars for his seaman?

[1852] Yeah.

[1853] He said he denied sexually assaulting over a dozen different women who took his class, and in an interview in which he explained why there's no way he ever needed to assault a woman, he said people pay $1 million for one drop of my sperm.

[1854] Yeah, he did not pluralize the hellers.

[1855] And I didn't either.

[1856] Yeah, good.

[1857] Anyway, yikes.

[1858] Oh, he said, I can make, oh, this is like when we did, what's her name?

[1859] Yeah, Ma Nod.

[1860] No. Sarah?

[1861] No. The dancer, the dancer who was not sexual but was appearing to be sexual, remember?

[1862] Don't get mad at me. I'm trying to figure out.

[1863] The Spanish dancer who is also - Oh, Chacha.

[1864] Or Chi -Chi.

[1865] Chichi.

[1866] Chiqui.

[1867] Chich -a.

[1868] Chich -a -chichi.

[1869] Chichie.

[1870] She would say my Coo -Chi.

[1871] Yeah, and she would say my Coochie.

[1872] Coochie.

[1873] Coochee.

[1874] Wait, how is it like her?

[1875] Because.

[1876] Oh, because you had to say, yes.

[1877] You almost couldn't say her sentence without doing an accent.

[1878] I couldn't.

[1879] It was horrible.

[1880] Charo.

[1881] Charro.

[1882] Charro.

[1883] So he said, I can make million dollar a day.

[1884] I can make a million dollars a day.

[1885] What would be pluralized?

[1886] I can make million dollar a days.

[1887] Well, that was really fun, wasn't it?

[1888] Memory Lane.

[1889] I love Memory Lane.

[1890] I love if I pop my turn signal on.

[1891] I don't even know where I'm at.

[1892] And then I make a right turn.

[1893] I look up and I see that I'm...

[1894] Memory Lane.

[1895] I'm right on Memory Boulevard.

[1896] I love it.

[1897] I love it.

[1898] Well, this was really special.

[1899] Was there a favorite for you when you assembled all that?

[1900] The favorite of my favorites?

[1901] Yeah, like, because a year has gone by between some of them.

[1902] And so you might think like, oh, yeah, that seemed kind of fun.

[1903] But then when you listen to it, you're like, oh, that was really fun.

[1904] Yeah.

[1905] I mean, really, I felt that about all.

[1906] Every single one.

[1907] Well, I was like, God, this show's so fun.

[1908] Yeah, really is it.

[1909] And I feel really lucky to be on it.

[1910] I feel really lucky to be on it, too.

[1911] Thank you for having me. Thanks for having me. I can't do it without you.

[1912] I mean, I want you to renegotiate your contract or anything, but.

[1913] I'll remember that, yeah.

[1914] Armcherry's, that was our first year.

[1915] And we hope we can give you 20 or 30 more.

[1916] Yes, yes, yes.

[1917] And hopefully next year's best of will rival this year's best of.

[1918] Yeah.

[1919] Although, very fun first year.

[1920] I'm going to walk that back.

[1921] Don't get worried.

[1922] You're getting worried as we speak.

[1923] I can see you getting worried.

[1924] We all play our roles, you know.

[1925] We do, we do.

[1926] That makes me think of Owen Wilson and the interview I read with him in Playboy magazine.

[1927] The interviewer asked him, Do you have any tricks for getting out of speeding tickets?

[1928] Okay.

[1929] And it's the best passage I've ever read.

[1930] He said, yeah, I do kind of.

[1931] I kind of have this thing where, you know, you get pulled over and then maybe you make a joke or something.

[1932] You say something kind of funny.

[1933] And then, you know, what you're trying to lead towards is that moment where you look at the comp and the cop looks at you and you just shake your head.

[1934] And you both think, look at us out here on the side of this road playing our roles and this.

[1935] this crazy game called life.

[1936] He said if you can get to that point in the exchange, he's going to let you off.

[1937] Wow, that's poignant.

[1938] It is, and it just, I feel like that's the best window into his mind.

[1939] Yeah.

[1940] That you're just trying to get to that point where you're both recognize you're playing these roles in this crazy game called life.

[1941] Wow.

[1942] Well, that was a non sequitur, but I'm glad we said it.

[1943] Well, it's important that we had an impersonation on here.

[1944] here, I guess.

[1945] And you know what?

[1946] You didn't even look at me. Thank you.

[1947] You did that for me. I know.

[1948] Well, I talk like, oh, and I kind of like, I got to do this thing with my lips, you know, and I actually would be embarrassed to look at you.

[1949] Okay.

[1950] Believe it or not, I actually do have an embarrassed here.

[1951] Wow.

[1952] Now we know.

[1953] We learn something every day.

[1954] There's a few things.

[1955] Side note.

[1956] And Scott Johnson helped me really figure this out.

[1957] We figured this out together because Scott Johnson and I are so close, Scotty.

[1958] Oh, okay.

[1959] that we'd always like when I was at his house and he took a poop he just left the door open so we could continue to talk okay and I too would just leave the door open when I pooped so he and I could continue to talk there was a really nice level you know intimacy yeah yeah but what we both would do is we would shut the door when it was time to wipe oh and then we were like and then like one of us just noticed like oh you notice we we shut the door when we wipe and then we really were thinking like why that's weird and and what we realized is what's embarrassing about wiping your butt isn't the wiping of the butt it's when you have to look at the toilet paper to see if it's clean that's the thing you don't want anyone to see you doing like it feels narcissistic or something but that feels gross it's gross but you need to it's part of wiping your butt you have to examine the toilet paper to know that you're done but it's so vulnerable to be caught looking at your own toilet paper paper.

[1960] Oh, wow.

[1961] So I guess what I'm saying is my goal for us in 2019, you and I, Monica, to really take the show the next, next level is that we would be able to look at our toilet paper while still talking.

[1962] Oh, I'd like that.

[1963] Yeah.

[1964] We'll get there.

[1965] Maybe like 20, 30 years.

[1966] Yeah.

[1967] But I think, I think it's a great North Star for us to have.

[1968] All right.

[1969] I'll meet you there.

[1970] All right.

[1971] I love you.

[1972] Love you.

[1973] Love you.

[1974] Arm Cherries.

[1975] Thank you so much again for giving us this beautiful experience that we'll cherish till we're dead.

[1976] It'll be one of many words I say wrong throughout the next little bit.

[1977] Vietmone.

[1978] No, no. Or if you were walking along the beach and you saw someone drowning, you don't...

[1979] Vietmanese.

[1980] Up in the attic?

[1981] Sauna.

[1982] Can you say it right now?

[1983] Vietnamese?

[1984] No. Okay.

[1985] Still bad.

[1986] Across.

[1987] We've had a lot of people in this attic who...

[1988] Hey, I like how you say that finally.

[1989] Okay, great.

[1990] You're doing good.

[1991] Try Vietnamese.

[1992] Me on the knees.

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