Joel McHale

[0] Hello, my name is Sir Joel McHale.

[1] And I feel I'm a little anxious.

[2] Anxious?

[3] Well, this is just a lot's going on.

[4] No, oh, about being Conan.

[5] Oh, and I feel good about being Conan's friend because we both flunked out of Harvard.

[6] Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books, friends.

[7] I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[8] Yes, I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[9] Hey there, and welcome to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend.

[10] We've got a wonderful show today.

[11] And I'm not guessing.

[12] I know it with great certainty.

[13] Laser -like certainty.

[14] Wonderful, wonderful show.

[15] Just filling time, babbling.

[16] And I shouldn't because I'm surrounded by the best of the best.

[17] Matt Goreley, our fearless producer.

[18] Hello, Matt.

[19] Hi, how are you?

[20] I'm good.

[21] And, of course, filling in for Sonam Obsessian, my assistant, David Hopping.

[22] Hey, David.

[23] Hey, how's it going on?

[24] How are you?

[25] Good.

[26] Before we get started, David, I know that you were really into the free Brittany movement.

[27] And you're aware that I guess there was some good news, right?

[28] You texted it to me, yeah.

[29] Yes, I saw, well, I saw the news that, I guess, Britney's father stepped down or something.

[30] I think he said he's stepping down, like, eventually.

[31] Okay.

[32] But I know that this is a big deal for you.

[33] The two things that you love in this life, right?

[34] Ahead of your country and your own family is you love Disneyland and you love Brittany.

[35] Yeah, that checks out.

[36] You've been very passionate in this free Brittany movement.

[37] And so I saw the story and I sent it along to you.

[38] And so I broke the news to you.

[39] We text about Brittany probably too often.

[40] You and I. You and I. Yeah, because what I do is I hone in on what interests someone and then I try to keep that going.

[41] That's nice.

[42] And also I'm kind of mocking you at the same time.

[43] to be honest.

[44] I got Sona two onesies for the twins that both say free Britney.

[45] Yes, I saw that.

[46] She got, you got Sona onesies that say free Brittany.

[47] That's hilarious.

[48] Because that's how you knew that we cared about it, because Sona and I at work would constantly be talking about Britney Spears' Instagrams, and then you would get involved too.

[49] So I had to send him to Sona.

[50] Is there any way I can get a deal?

[51] I want to be taken care of, and I want my estate managed by somebody.

[52] Oh, yeah, I'll do it.

[53] Would you do it?

[54] Seriously?

[55] Oh, yeah, I'll take it.

[56] Just sign it over.

[57] So what does that mean?

[58] Does that mean that I'm worried about it?

[59] Just sign the paper, just sign the paper.

[60] I think it would add to the mystery if I wasn't seen very often.

[61] Oh, yeah.

[62] You know?

[63] And people didn't see me that often, but every now and then I'd post like a video of me doing a dance in my yard and a bathing suit and a big hat.

[64] I don't know.

[65] This could be a great new stage of your career.

[66] I'm serious.

[67] That would be amazing.

[68] Well, seriously, I ended the late night show.

[69] after 28 years, and we could just announce that I'm being taken care of by my podcast producer, Matt Gourley, and that you're managing things, right?

[70] And then I'm rarely seen, and then people would start to hate you, man. Oh, and I'd drive around in, you know, an Aston Martin.

[71] Yeah.

[72] Yeah, you should wear a yawning cap and drive around in an Aston Martin.

[73] Smoking golden cigars.

[74] Yeah, and then constantly be crazily tipping with a credit card that says Conan go.

[75] It says Conan Cash on it.

[76] I like this and I keep you under the stairs and just chain to the wall.

[77] This is actually a different kind of dream.

[78] That's a little, that's a, no, I think I'm just, I'm perfectly happy.

[79] And I, I'm, I release videos from my yard.

[80] Okay, well, I think we should do this.

[81] This sounds great.

[82] I'm excited for this next step for you.

[83] Now, where do you fit into this whole scheme?

[84] David, I think you're breaking the stories like you're the scoop, true crime podcast recorder that's got the inside dirt.

[85] Oh, and you're interpreting things I say.

[86] Uh -huh.

[87] Like, I make a video in the backyard where I'm doing a hula hoop and I'm wearing a speedo.

[88] And I'm wearing weird sunglasses upside down and I'm doing a hula hoop to music like a TikTok and then you interpret what that means.

[89] Do I write the captions?

[90] Yeah.

[91] I'm done for that.

[92] And you get paid $600 ,000 a day.

[93] That's great.

[94] This seems like a great deal.

[95] Yeah.

[96] All right.

[97] let's commence this, and then someone's going to have to start the free Conan campaign, but, or not, maybe the, what if nobody cares?

[98] No one cares.

[99] Keep Conan behind.

[100] Keep Conan under wraps is a big internet meme.

[101] We're good with this.

[102] Yeah, this works for everyone.

[103] The hashtag don't free Conan.

[104] Yeah, no Conan works fine for us, says humanity.

[105] All right, you mugs.

[106] I'm not screwing around.

[107] We've got serious podcasting to do, something no one's ever said.

[108] I am very happy.

[109] My guest today is an actor and comedian who hosted the Soup on E and starting the NBC series community, for my money, one of the best sitcoms ever.

[110] Now you can see him in the new movie Queenpin and on the CW series Stargirl.

[111] This gentleman is a friend of mine in real life.

[112] I'm thrilled.

[113] He's with us today.

[114] Joel McHale, welcome.

[115] You're a rarity on this podcast.

[116] I kind of know some of the people that I talk to on the podcast.

[117] You and I hang out a lot.

[118] We've had sex.

[119] Well, okay.

[120] My kids are going to love this one.

[121] We do.

[122] It wasn't memorable, but we, I remember we, you know, I knew you, obviously.

[123] You had a, you were on the show back in the day.

[124] And there's Joe McHale, and I like, you and I liked your work and I'll never forget what happened once my wife and I are with our two babies, little babies, and we are flying back from Seattle because my wife's from Seattle and I'm way back in the way, way back.

[125] You're in the last row.

[126] We're in the last row of an Alaskan airline flight from Seattle to Los Angeles and you and your lovely wife and your babies are in the row right in front of us.

[127] Literally.

[128] Literally right in front of us.

[129] You were so happy that you were a row in front of me. We're both crammed in the back of this flight, but it was a bonding experience because our children were not having it.

[130] They were infants and they were shrieking.

[131] You were shrieking.

[132] I was mad.

[133] Yeah.

[134] You were mad.

[135] I mean, I'm on basic.

[136] You should have been furious because you should have rented the whole plane out.

[137] Yeah, this is a window into how cheap I am.

[138] But I...

[139] And because Conan is tall.

[140] than me, and the back of the plane, as everyone knows, there's no legroom, and you...

[141] And there's no headroom either.

[142] It's where the plane at the back comes to a point.

[143] Yeah.

[144] So our knees were up in our faces.

[145] And the only thing interrupting us was the bathroom door opening and closing every few seconds.

[146] So we had this intense experience together, and then the plane went down.

[147] The plane went down.

[148] A lot of people hurt.

[149] No one killed, fortunately.

[150] Yeah.

[151] You completely lost it and started cannibalizing people who weren't even dead around you.

[152] Well, that's how I get my power.

[153] It's the only way.

[154] You were eating flesh and said, we need this to survive.

[155] And I said, no, it was a pretty safe landing.

[156] And there's an Arby's right over there.

[157] No, once I click in, once it happens, I'm eating flesh.

[158] Yeah.

[159] I have to wear it and let the flesh take me to another place.

[160] But anyway, after that experience, we started hanging out.

[161] And so I have an insight into you, which is you're a lot of fun to hang out with.

[162] You love, love, love cooking.

[163] I do.

[164] And you make, you'll have us over to your house, my wife and I over to your house, and you will make the most amazing meat.

[165] Look, when you and Lisa come over, it's Liza.

[166] When you and Liza come, no, when you, I, you're right, I am, oh, I'm a snob about everything practically.

[167] I mean, what I'm wearing now.

[168] Like, I've judged your shirt.

[169] This shirt is mizant.

[170] in Maine.

[171] Fantastic.

[172] It stretches when I bend.

[173] It bends when I stretch.

[174] It isn't in Maine.

[175] Check it out.

[176] Oh, so for like your rapid weight gain, it's fine.

[177] You don't have to buy another shirt.

[178] I'm pregnant.

[179] You look amazing.

[180] You're glowing.

[181] No, I am a snob.

[182] No, but you are.

[183] I mean, you're very invested in cooking this fantastic meat.

[184] And then you'll say, oh, you've got to try this wine because no one.

[185] No one scams the system like Joel McHale.

[186] And this man, I want everyone to know, this man loves his free stuff.

[187] He loves...

[188] It's not like I get like monkey shoulder scotch.

[189] It's a blended scotch.

[190] And it is really, it goes with everything.

[191] But right with...

[192] I like to watch it on a high sense television and mix it with a Q mixer.

[193] I like to use their light tonic because it doesn't have...

[194] It's 60 calories a can, which is barely anything.

[195] Really, only 60 calories.

[196] Yeah.

[197] But with all the flavor of any other tonic water.

[198] Right.

[199] And it's hypercarbonated.

[200] So it stays carbonated after you put the ice in.

[201] Here's the thing.

[202] Whenever, whenever I've admired a watch of years, you'll tell me the story that goes behind it.

[203] You never just say, oh, this is a nice watch I liked.

[204] And I went out and I work hard and I make good money.

[205] And so I bought the watch.

[206] You always say, yeah, I found out that if I do this gig in a strip mine, if I can.

[207] And I can get there by myself, then the company will give me the watch.

[208] So that's what I did.

[209] I did a show for 15 miners at a strip mine.

[210] And then I had to make my way back through the forest.

[211] And during the show, the canary died.

[212] Yeah.

[213] And I'm like, the air is poison, but I'm only half done.

[214] But I'm going to hang in there until I get that watch.

[215] But you have, no, you were an enthusiast.

[216] And I find it infectious.

[217] I really do.

[218] I really, like, I've very much enjoyed hanging out with you guys and drinking too much, drinking way too much.

[219] I don't feel like you'd ever drink enough.

[220] I feel like you're just getting started by the time you leave.

[221] And yeah, you've hit a couple of our trees and the wall.

[222] But I feel like we need to make it a three -day thing.

[223] I've proposed that, actually, that we go someplace safe where we do nothing but eat steak and drink wine.

[224] I think the steak is probably worse for you.

[225] But I, we would both agree.

[226] Our wives are the, not just the secret weapon, but the lead singers.

[227] And the, my wife is very picky who she wants to be around.

[228] Oh, is that true?

[229] And so she'd be like, oh, well, if they come over, that means it's a relaxing evening.

[230] Oh, that's good.

[231] We made the cut.

[232] Oh, my Lord.

[233] Sarah's great.

[234] And Sarah is also from Seattle.

[235] Seattle.

[236] We am from Seattle.

[237] And you're from Seattle.

[238] And Liza's from Seattle.

[239] And so I've, we believe I was conceived in Seattle.

[240] You could have been the coolest person had you been raised in Seattle, but instead you're raised somewhere back on the East Coast, which you never talk about.

[241] I can't remember where you're from, but that would have been, it would have been pretty cool.

[242] Pretty cool.

[243] You would have been successful.

[244] I'd have been in Pearl Jam if I had grown up in Seattle.

[245] You were kind of in Pearl Jam once, right?

[246] Yes.

[247] For a while, I thought they needed a flute.

[248] You wanted a Jethro told them?

[249] I would stand on one leg and furiously during Jeremy, I would wail on my flute.

[250] Right, and then you were tackled by fans or security?

[251] Well, by Eddie Vedder first, then fans, then secured.

[252] I remember when you played with Mr. Vedder, when you did a tour, when you did not play with him.

[253] I did not play.

[254] He played and blew the roof off of the venue in Seattle.

[255] I'll never forget Andy Richter being terrified backstage because he said, shit, we have still more show after this.

[256] How do we follow that?

[257] because Eddie Vedder just came out and leveled the place.

[258] And we had to walk out afterwards.

[259] I had to walk out afterwards.

[260] And Andy was terrified.

[261] And he said, what are you going to do?

[262] And I said, I looked at the rundown and it said, Eddie Vedder performs.

[263] And then I looked at the next thing.

[264] And it was Walker, Texas Ranger Lever, which is a bit where I would pull a lever.

[265] Oh, yeah.

[266] And we would show these clips from Walker, Texas Ranger Lever.

[267] And I said, Andy, don't worry.

[268] Look.

[269] And Andy was like, oh, Walker, Texas Ranger Lever.

[270] can, if the Beatles all came back to life and reformed and played and saying, hey Jude and all of their biggest hits, I could still follow and say, ladies and gentlemen, here are some clips from Walker, Texas Ranger.

[271] And the crowd would say, yay, this is better.

[272] Maybe that will heal.

[273] That lever could heal the divisiveness in our country right now.

[274] It really could.

[275] I love that bit.

[276] And it was one of my favorite things to do.

[277] then we had to stop doing it.

[278] Why?

[279] Because, hear me out, the actors who were in the clips, they started to recognize that we were showing these clips of them, and they started to demand all the money that you need to pay them in residuals if you show it.

[280] So my producer, my producer came to me and he said, you know, Jeff Ross said, we got to stop doing it, can't do it anymore because it's going to cost us millions of dollars, we can't do it.

[281] And I said, no, we're going to keep doing it.

[282] And you said, you can't, you can't, this is going to end up going to trial.

[283] And I said, I want it to go to trial.

[284] And he said, what are you talking about?

[285] And I said, I wanted to go to trial and I want to defend myself.

[286] And I want to show the clips to the jury and then say, ladies and gentlemen, that is not acting.

[287] And that is my legal protection.

[288] He was like, you're not going to do that.

[289] Forget it.

[290] So it went away.

[291] Yeah.

[292] I'll never forget that clip.

[293] Was it with McCulley Culkin?

[294] Yes.

[295] McCauley Culkin is a little child.

[296] Yeah.

[297] And McCauley Culkin's saying, well, thanks a lot.

[298] You know, and they're like, well, you sure, a tough kid.

[299] You made it through that crazy adventure we just had and Walker goes, yeah, you sure are.

[300] And then there's a weird beat and McCauley Culkin looks up with them and says, Walker told me I have AIDS.

[301] Oh, Haley Joel, I'm sorry, Haley Joel Osmond.

[302] Sorry, damn it.

[303] I'm sorry, McCulley Culkin.

[304] Yeah.

[305] And so he just said, Walker told me I have AIDS and it's so jaw dropping.

[306] Your face falls off.

[307] You're like, this is, because it comes out of left field you don't know what they're talking about.

[308] I remember watching it when, the show was had when the show had and I remember thinking same thing couldn't believe it and then I thought somehow they've staged this like somehow this was part of something I mean that you thought that we manipulated right I was like how did they do that no that's an actual clip but then the look on your face and Andy's face was so wonderful no we would play that we used to do it on the show and it would always destroy we would show all these clips and then we made it part of the 2010 tour and there'd be thousands of people packed into these large vans, chanting, uh, he told me I had AIDS.

[309] He told me I had AIDS.

[310] It was madness.

[311] It was absolute madness.

[312] I just put into my Instagram story, you and David Bowie when he was singing to you.

[313] Oh yeah.

[314] Which is, you know, obviously now he is past, but it, and it's pretty remarkable.

[315] You have those moments where you're like, there's David Bowie right now singing to you.

[316] Oh, I have that when I look at, and I'm sure you have this too, where you look at a clip of something you did with somebody.

[317] And I'm starstruck, and it's 20 years later.

[318] And I think you've done this really well, and I know I've done it, which is stay in awe.

[319] Like, I still to this, I mean, I know there's lots of bad behavior in Hollywood, but when I hear people like, oh, and then she are here, like, burst out of the trailer and threw a latte on someone who was like, you call this fucking hot.

[320] And I just, that's what I try to go like, if you ever get close to that, I'm just going to hang myself.

[321] Because I've seen it with you when you've screamed at your staff.

[322] I ask for the coffee to be hot, and I expect a coffee to be hot.

[323] Well, but...

[324] And if the coffee isn't hot, I throw it, so I'm not ashamed.

[325] You can out me. As the coffee is moving through the air, it becomes way less hot.

[326] That's what I always say.

[327] By it time...

[328] So no wonder, it's coming back colder than you want, because it hits their face.

[329] Yeah.

[330] And then I lick it off of them.

[331] That's...

[332] No, but it's, no, it's true.

[333] I think you and I both have the same thing, which is we're really delighted to get to do this.

[334] And I'll say that.

[335] is about you because uh i know you well you work really hard you are in it you have an incredible work ethic it's a problem why is it a problem but you well i'm a workaholic and i have i'm like i'm like obsessive compulsive about it and if i feel like there's a week off somewhere i'm like i'm never going to work again that i still have i i i've never learned as a young like as a young actor was like all i want to do was work and i could and i and then finally when i did start working i'm like it's working and but now i still i probably need to calm down but yeah i i work do you feel that way?

[336] I think it's not that I'll never work again, but when I was in fifth grade, I thought my best years were behind me. I really did.

[337] I really, I remembered thinking, I got that playing card right at my spokes right where it should be.

[338] The banana seat is clean and beautiful.

[339] I remembered when I was about 11 or 12, and I come from a big family, everyone in my family, there were six of us.

[340] The other five are headed out to go out trick -or -treating.

[341] And keep in mind, and two of them are older than me, and they're all putting on their masks, and they're going to go out and trick -or -treat.

[342] And I wasn't doing it.

[343] And they were like, what's up?

[344] And I went, I think that time's over for me. I think it was like Nixon was president.

[345] I don't know what was happening, but I remember having this feeling of those were good times, but that's over now.

[346] And I had these old sepia tone photos of me from the previous six years of my life.

[347] Those were good times when they lasted.

[348] Here's the difference for Halloween.

[349] the second I could go out, I would run to the homes because my goal was to get all the candy available.

[350] Right.

[351] So I would, I would, I was fifth grade or fourth grade and I would come back at 1130, still knocking on people's homes.

[352] And they, and my mom would have I like, where have you been?

[353] I was like, I got it all.

[354] And that's my, see, that's, there's none for anyone else.

[355] That's my mentality.

[356] Now, the other thing that's interesting is that you are something I think we could probably have in common is a stupid haircut that was cruel no i insulted myself at the same time yeah that's still when you tip over a bucket filled with diarrhea onto both of us i'm still allowed to be mad at you because half the diarrhea went on me it's that's what you did it's it's not all diarrhea my comedic style is to say well i guess i suck yours is to say hey we both suck but you more than i do And then you say, hey, man, I got myself in there, too.

[357] That's right.

[358] I'm like Mother Teresa.

[359] Yeah, no, I got my hands were dirty as well.

[360] But your, look, your hair looks great.

[361] Thank you.

[362] It's not real, but.

[363] Mine's not real.

[364] Look at this.

[365] We both have Velcro.

[366] It looks like I'm in our skulls.

[367] Doing the peeky blinders, you know.

[368] You look good, and this is getting me to my point that I was going to make, which is that you are a very tall, a powerful man, a well -muscled man. Thank you.

[369] You work out constantly.

[370] You hear that?

[371] everybody?

[372] No, no, you are.

[373] It's a...

[374] This size, it's a small shirt.

[375] I got into comedy so I didn't have to work out.

[376] And you got into comedy and have been successful at it and then you work out as if your job is moving pianos.

[377] It's absolutely incredible.

[378] I have a new show in A &E called moving pianos, by the way, but go ahead.

[379] Harpsichords, organs, name it.

[380] So every week it's a different kind of piano.

[381] Yeah, and next season will be refrigerators.

[382] I'll watch that.

[383] Anyway, so I interrupted you again.

[384] No, I was trying to say something interesting and revealing about you and I can see anyone listening to this knows that you're resisting it but...

[385] That's true.

[386] When you were a kid you did not feel good about yourself.

[387] You did not feel secure and I'm drawn to stories of people who kind of remade themselves or built themselves up in whatever way.

[388] No, I couldn't read which is does affect schooling.

[389] Right.

[390] And that always was...

[391] Is this...

[392] dyslexia?

[393] No, yeah, it was dyslexia, definitely, and I wasn't diagnosed until my older son was diagnosed when the doctor was describing everything and went, yeah, I was wondering which one of you it was, because it gets passed down.

[394] Oh, okay.

[395] And now I realize it was kind of a gift, even though it was no fun, because I was like, I think I'm an idiot.

[396] And so I was made up for it with jokes.

[397] And that's why it took me four hours to get through 20 minutes of jokes for the first soups that we did.

[398] Is that true?

[399] Oh, yeah, it took, it got to the point where the crew would complain about me. And I remember this one guy was like, well, you know, it's not like we're going to get this anytime soon, like some segment.

[400] I'm like, thanks very much, microphone guy.

[401] Thank you.

[402] And it would just take me forever and ever, never.

[403] And that was also due to anxiety.

[404] But now, then we started doing the shows live like years, like 10 years later.

[405] And I was like, I don't know what's going to happen.

[406] I'm dyslexic, so I'm going to screw up a lot.

[407] And that I kind of had let it go and admitted all that stuff.

[408] And that really helped.

[409] I relate to that just because people make assumptions later on in life.

[410] Like, oh, it was always easy for you.

[411] Yeah.

[412] And I think, well, no, I was not always tall.

[413] I was always not this good looking, you know what I'm saying?

[414] Well, okay.

[415] Oh, God.

[416] Anyway, no, no, no, that was it.

[417] All right.

[418] No, I'm going to get work done.

[419] But my point is I, okay.

[420] The rosacea was always?

[421] I'm sorry.

[422] It was just all your skin.

[423] Oh, my skin is just one solid block.

[424] of rosacea.

[425] They're called freckles.

[426] Oh, yeah.

[427] It's a solid block of freckles.

[428] All right.

[429] Women find them very sexy.

[430] I'm told.

[431] I've never met one that said that.

[432] But I'm told that some women somewhere find it sexy.

[433] My point is that there is something compensatory that happens where we decide, okay, I got to figure out something that I can do, that I can contribute.

[434] And so I went your route, which is I will try to make people laugh around me. That's going to be the way that I get through this.

[435] Because for you, it wasn't going to be sports.

[436] But you were great at, you all did all say, no. How do you do it?

[437] Why?

[438] I don't know why.

[439] Why?

[440] I've done nothing, but I've done nothing.

[441] And first of all, yes.

[442] Do I have a shallow chest?

[443] Yes.

[444] Am I coordinated?

[445] No. What's a shallow chest?

[446] I have a convex chest.

[447] It doesn't, yours goes out.

[448] You have a strong, powerful chest.

[449] Mine when I was younger actually went in.

[450] I could keep little Hummel figurines.

[451] It was like a little nook.

[452] It was a little nook.

[453] Here's the secret about Conan is that he actually is a good athlete.

[454] because he can bike up a mountain.

[455] I am good at that, but I'm not good at...

[456] The old hand -to -eye coordination was never my strength.

[457] You, on the other hand, did quite well in football.

[458] You were quite the footballer, I'm told.

[459] Well, I was fine.

[460] But wait, I want to go back to what you said, which was, you know how you said, like, well, I've got to find a way to make myself.

[461] That quality is what you have to rub against something to...

[462] Yeah.

[463] So that irritation was always there, and that is why, you know.

[464] They call it the, I think the phrase is the sand in the oyster makes the pearl.

[465] Like it's an irritant.

[466] It's something that I believe in that.

[467] And I think you become a beautiful pearl, a beautiful, a muscled pearl.

[468] Thank you.

[469] I don't think that's how pearls are made, though.

[470] I think it's magic.

[471] Oh, yeah.

[472] Well, dark magic.

[473] Dark magic.

[474] Evil magic.

[475] It's evil.

[476] If you eat a pearl, you turn into a demon.

[477] Another thing I'll tell people about you is, that you have a fascination with knives and blades and swords.

[478] And for a long time, any time you would come over to my house, you'd come over to my house at Christmas time, actually on Christmas Day, which I felt invasive.

[479] Well, you made me wear that costume.

[480] You're good at it.

[481] And you look so much like Mrs. Claus.

[482] Well, you were like, it's going to be a fun, it's going to be a fun dress -up party.

[483] And he got Ryan Reynolds to be Santa.

[484] Yeah.

[485] I'm Mrs. Claus.

[486] Yeah, yeah.

[487] Well, I'm sorry.

[488] He's an A -plus lister.

[489] You know what I mean?

[490] He's Ryan Reynolds.

[491] Yeah.

[492] So he's going to be...

[493] Aviator gin.

[494] Yeah.

[495] The perfect gin for pilots.

[496] All right.

[497] Now you're plugging someone else's gin.

[498] I don't even...

[499] I'm not...

[500] Yeah.

[501] Do you have a gin that you're plugging?

[502] I do, Hendricks.

[503] Oh, for God.

[504] Hendricks gin is, I think, one of the most...

[505] I think the most well -balanced gin on the plant.

[506] You know what gin I like?

[507] And I'm not kidding.

[508] Mizzin and Maine.

[509] It's a gin that is flexible.

[510] It bends when you bend.

[511] Who makes those glasses?

[512] These glasses are Mizzin and Maine.

[513] All right, let's move on.

[514] Do you order a Mizan and Maine?

[515] or do you go to Mizanamain store?

[516] I think once this podcast drops, I'll never have to order anything from Mizan and Maine again.

[517] So what?

[518] I'm also going to get the Aviator gin and I'm also getting the Hendricks.

[519] Monkey shoulder?

[520] So you bring, and listen, with editing, we're going to make this coherent.

[521] And so trust me, this is going to be fantastic.

[522] You think that Aaron and Adam or whoever they were?

[523] The guy who edits is Matt Goreley and he's just going to do probably about a 14 -hour pass on this.

[524] Okay.

[525] And he's going to get this down to a really tight...

[526] How come Goreley's not in the room?

[527] He heard you were on, and wanted no part of it.

[528] He was too starstruck?

[529] No, no, no. He thought Ryan Reynolds was coming in.

[530] And then you came in and he literally walked out the door.

[531] Well, I'm half Canadian, but that doesn't.

[532] Oh, no, so I do like weapons a lot.

[533] Well, so thank you.

[534] That was a 45 -minute cul -de -sac, but I'll get us back on track.

[535] That's what you said in the last time.

[536] I know.

[537] You're unbelievable.

[538] 90 miles an hour down this cold -de -s.

[539] No one takes you down a blind alley like Joel McHale.

[540] Other than Mizan -Main, which they're offering.

[541] Incredible.

[542] Missing and Maine blind alleys are amazing.

[543] point is this.

[544] My point is that you always bring, and I'm not kidding, you brought me a switch blade, which I think is illegal.

[545] You brought all kinds of knives.

[546] And blades, a bowie knife.

[547] You brought me all these.

[548] And what happens is every time you come, I go, that's really nice.

[549] And then I think, I've got kids.

[550] I can't have this around.

[551] So I always tuck it into a different part of the house and hide it.

[552] What I've realized is because of you, Joel McHale, any place in my house, I can reach to within a foot of where I'm standing and probably behind a bookcase, is a saber or a scabbard or one of those knives that goes into your garter belt, this, have somebody.

[553] You have, I have an erection right now, just put that description of what you just.

[554] You broke the table, yeah.

[555] And you know the other thing is you gave me a knife that you press on the side and it comes completely straight, not like a switchplay, it doesn't slide out, it comes straight up out of the knife, which is so dangerous and so horrible and I love it.

[556] And so I keep it next, keep it right next to my toothbrush and you just can click it back and forth and whenever I have to open something like oh this thing of Tylenol or whatever I would have to open something I pick this thing up and I click it and out of the body of the knife comes this eight inch blade and then I use it to open something that I could easily open with my fingernails that's the OTF or out the front it's an automatic knife and I think I gave you an ultrate knife never breaks, don't throw it away.

[557] You can take those parts, mail them to them, and they'll just send you a new knife.

[558] We have mentioned so many products.

[559] Ultra -tech, micro -tech knives?

[560] What about Benchmade?

[561] They're terrific.

[562] And what watches do you like?

[563] Thanks for asking.

[564] Well, I love the I -W -C, but the Glasuta is one of my favorite.

[565] Is that even a real?

[566] What's a Glacuta?

[567] Well, it's a German -made watch that...

[568] And you said Glass -Uter?

[569] Wouldn't it be Glau -Suta?

[570] Yeah, I guess it's Glashuta.

[571] Yeah, it's Glacuta.

[572] Well, now...

[573] Would you like a Glacuter?

[574] It's a little too much, I feel.

[575] Would you hide to have a glass shooter?

[576] Now you're...

[577] Would you care to have on your wrist?

[578] A glowshooter!

[579] Why are you...

[580] Yeah, you're...

[581] It is time for you to have a glass shooter!

[582] It sounds like it's a...

[583] It's like a coerced confession, and I'm being screamed at by a German man. Anyway, if you like quality...

[584] They're really good.

[585] Get the glau shuta.

[586] They're great.

[587] You're unbelievable.

[588] You also...

[589] I need a Rolex, though.

[590] You could probably take 60 of the watches that you have.

[591] And get a Rolex, you know.

[592] A fourth of the collection?

[593] Yeah.

[594] No, but seriously, I have lots of knives from you, and I also have...

[595] I don't know why I got...

[596] My dad used to bring that stuff back because we lived in Italy.

[597] Thank you.

[598] Why would someone applaud Italy?

[599] I mean, it's fine.

[600] Look at all these guys.

[601] Applauding away.

[602] Look at that, right there.

[603] Well, he's doing it now.

[604] Europe.

[605] All right.

[606] But my dad had a bunch of that stuff, and I just, for whatever reason, was very attracted to do it.

[607] And Sarah, on our honeymoon, we went to Rome.

[608] Sarah's my wife.

[609] And I bought a switchplay because you can buy them there in any knife shop.

[610] And she literally, as I sat in our hotel room clicking this knife over and over again, she said, like, who have I married?

[611] Yeah, women love that on a honeymoon when you buy a deadly weapon and then bring it to bed.

[612] And then bring it into the romantic hotel room and play with it.

[613] That's fantastic.

[614] I don't know what's going to happen.

[615] And The good news, my kids don't care.

[616] Well, you also, I brought my kids over, and this was a couple of years ago, and I think that I'm going to say they were probably at the time 14 and 12, and I bring them my daughter and my son, and we walk in through the door and immediately, as you greeted us, and you said, hi, you handed them, like a sepuku, a sword that you would use to disembowel yourself in a Japanese ritual.

[617] My house, my rules.

[618] Yeah, you handed them deadly blades, and we have photos of them.

[619] running around the house with these like 26 -inch...

[620] Samurai swords.

[621] Samurai swords.

[622] Yeah, they are samurai swords.

[623] Yeah.

[624] You didn't think for a second maybe kids shouldn't have these?

[625] Well, I feel like they need to learn.

[626] Best way to do it.

[627] I mean, they need to get used to them.

[628] There was a kid, a friend of Isaac, my younger son, who opened up one of them and grabbed the blade, and the mom was like, hey, can you...

[629] And I was like, well, he'll never do that again.

[630] And he shouldn't be grabbing the blades.

[631] You said that.

[632] Well, he won't do that again.

[633] So don't...

[634] When you have the option to hold on to the blade part of a sword or not, don't do it.

[635] That's why I put...

[636] I'm a great...

[637] I put acid in my pool, my swimming pool.

[638] Just because people need to...

[639] They'll do it once and then they won't do it again.

[640] Wait, you don't want people to swim in your pool?

[641] Not if it's filled with acid.

[642] No. What kind of acid?

[643] Well, it's a hydrochloric acid.

[644] Yeah.

[645] That'll burn.

[646] Oh, yeah.

[647] They come out skeletons.

[648] No, we loved having your kids over because they got to run a...

[649] around with the swords, and it looked like a, it looked a battle of Hastings.

[650] Yeah, it was the least, um, safe environment I've ever seen children engage in.

[651] It'd be really funny if you ran a preschool, uh, because, I'd be so good at that.

[652] It's in a bouncy fort with motorcycle.

[653] Samurai swords, drinking wine.

[654] You'd give them really good wine when they came in, and then a samurai sword.

[655] Because so many kids, they don't have alcohol before 21 and then they go crazy in college or something.

[656] And this would be, you know, it'd be like France.

[657] Yeah.

[658] So a nice thing.

[659] happened for you, and I wanted to talk to you about it, which is you do the soup and then you do this show, Community.

[660] We had heard so many nice things about community, and we know you, and we're really good friends with you, and we decided over COVID, let's start with this show, and we'll start at the beginning, and we'll move our way through.

[661] And we were collectively, all of us, blown away, and I'm not saying this just because you're my friend because I could, you know, easily say something else.

[662] It's one of the most delightfully intricate, creative television shows I've seen.

[663] I'm watching it and I'm thinking, how did this ever, ever get on NBC in the first place?

[664] The writing is absolutely spectacular.

[665] It's like a Swiss watch.

[666] It's just so intricate.

[667] I don't know if you know, well, hey, thank you for saying that.

[668] And it's very hard for me to sit and listen to compliments because I feel everyone's.

[669] lying.

[670] When we were making it, when we read these scripts, we would clap at the end of our table reads.

[671] One of the reasons why it became or it got so, like Dan was Dan Harmon, the genius creator who then created Rick and Morty, the studio and the network, I don't know if I get in trouble, but he wouldn't show them the scripts.

[672] And he would wait until the last minute to write it and they didn't have time to do notes because the sets were already being built.

[673] So we got away with so much.

[674] Okay.

[675] So there's a thing on it that.

[676] that you probably saw, but it was the fake NBC lineup.

[677] I don't know if you saw it.

[678] I mean, it took the direct quote of the president at the time when he was asked at a press comments.

[679] They were said, Wynn's community coming back.

[680] We weren't on the schedule at that point.

[681] He goes, it just depends on what fails.

[682] And then that is like coming.

[683] And so like the whole thing was all these fake shows.

[684] And then it said coming this summer or maybe this fall, it depends what fails And that Then he apparently he was furious Right Because he was like How did you How dare you And then they were like Well you It was approved It got on the air So it wasn't It's one of the better casts I've seen And there are people in it And I'm loath To like mention individual people Because then there's other people I'm not mentioning But Donald's talentless Donald Glover Well he's proven that He's done nothing Since community As far as I can tell I don't read things or listen to things, but...

[685] He sits around.

[686] I don't know what he does.

[687] No, Danny Pudy is...

[688] It's one of the best...

[689] It's almost like Leonard Nimoy and Spock, like these, the perfect...

[690] They found the perfect person to play this character.

[691] And then there's people like Jim Rash where you think...

[692] I don't even think that character was supposed to...

[693] You're right.

[694] I looked at it the first time and I thought, he's just supposed to be an incidental character who barely ever shows up, but he's so good that suddenly...

[695] He's...

[696] he's at this, he's, he's at the center of all these shows.

[697] And then, of course, um, the character of Chang.

[698] Ken Jong also talented.

[699] Kenj.

[700] But, yeah.

[701] But I mean, you know, I just feel like, um, if you had said that's going to, that guy's going to start off as a kind of crazy Spanish teacher and then eventually be the head of security and fall in love with a charred mannequin leg.

[702] Yeah.

[703] I don't think anyone would have seen that trajectory.

[704] No. They did it on all in the family years ago.

[705] but you were the first guys to do it again.

[706] I didn't, I don't know if you remember this, but the first time it was canceled, you emailed me and said such a nice email saying, don't worry, this, because you had gone through your whole thing.

[707] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[708] And obviously that was a, that was a supernova.

[709] And this was like, oh, the show that's on a date against Big Bang Theory is going away.

[710] And you were so cool.

[711] Like, I was devastated.

[712] and you were so kind, and so, like, don't worry, there's going to be a zillion things you get to do because you're making nice, good quality stuff.

[713] And I was like, okay, I'm going to be okay.

[714] But that was, I don't know if you remember.

[715] Well, I have a, I do.

[716] That was very nice of you.

[717] Now I, that's when I tell you, I send those emails out every day to everybody.

[718] It's just a mass explosion.

[719] Yeah, I'm constantly telling Al Roker, hang in there, you'll be fine.

[720] Wow.

[721] So the show's been gone.

[722] for a while, but it's such a stellar cast, and then there's this rumor about there being a movie, and we've shot it.

[723] Is that true?

[724] No. Damn it, you had me for a second.

[725] Sorry.

[726] Do you think it could actually happen?

[727] Well, I used to just lie about it.

[728] People like, is the movie going to happen?

[729] I'd be like, yeah, sure.

[730] And now it is, so I think the things are in place.

[731] People are like, we're game, and I think we got, Well, we don't have the money, but we'll have the money.

[732] So I think like, I don't know, a pizza, there's cheese being made, someone's got flour, there's water over here.

[733] This guy's got an oven, and it could all come together or just never come together.

[734] But if you needed money, you could have come to me a long time ago.

[735] I don't know.

[736] I feel like you were underpaid for years, and the way that you spend is pretty irresponsible.

[737] Yes.

[738] I love a theme restaurant.

[739] I've invested in more theme restaurants.

[740] Right.

[741] And some of the themes...

[742] It's constantly not going...

[743] Oh, yeah, my theme, revisit the Depression.

[744] Well, that is terrible.

[745] And then one of which is needles, needles, needles.

[746] I thought needles were kind of a cool idea.

[747] People hate needles, for the most part.

[748] I know.

[749] And having your blood drawn before you eat is not like an appetizing thing to go.

[750] Now you tell me. Now you tell me. And when you reinvested at MC Hammer, career and got his posse together.

[751] I went in big.

[752] I was like, there's no way you can sustain 150 Mercedes in a row showing up just for, you know, like a movie.

[753] You can't pay all those people.

[754] I've made mistakes, but I don't regret any of them.

[755] Except the Needles Restaurant.

[756] Let me ask you something.

[757] Still open in Van Nuys.

[758] Under new ownership.

[759] We do have to tell people that you invited me to go with you to climb Mount Rainier.

[760] Yeah.

[761] And you could have done it.

[762] You said, come with us.

[763] you and your wife, Sarah, are an incredible shape.

[764] Liza didn't think about it for a second.

[765] My wife didn't want anything to do with it.

[766] I thought about it for a second, but then...

[767] Wrap it up.

[768] No, no, no. I know that would distract you.

[769] You have a new show called Wrap Up with Conan O 'Brien?

[770] That is at my discretion.

[771] So if I'm having a good time, I keep going.

[772] But if I get the rap signal and I rap, that means I really hate the person I'm talking to.

[773] Oh.

[774] Well, anyway, this has been terrific.

[775] Wait, but we haven't talked about Rain here yet.

[776] No, no, you invited me to go with you to Mount Rainier, and then you were talking about how we need to train and we need to stay at different levels for a while because there's no oxygen, and I started to think, you know what, I don't know if this is going to work out, and then you did it, and it didn't go well.

[777] Well, that was the first time.

[778] It did not go well.

[779] The guide who was taking us up had a break with reality.

[780] He had a panic attack.

[781] So the guide who was taking you up, this dangerous mountain, had a mental breakdown, panic attacks.

[782] Yeah.

[783] So my brother, like me, goes, I got a deal on a guide.

[784] I know him and he'll take us up.

[785] And that was when I realized he's one third the cost of the safe guides.

[786] That we're trying to save money on the people.

[787] And Jim Rash did come with us.

[788] And as the guy was kind of circling going, this isn't happening.

[789] This isn't happening.

[790] Jim goes, you do know this is the premise for a horror film.

[791] Yeah.

[792] And as the guy was like, okay, what are we doing?

[793] And then I remember Jim going like, the movie is happening.

[794] But the second time we went up, I said, we want all the guides in the world.

[795] Easiest way to do it.

[796] Let's do it.

[797] And it worked.

[798] And so again, I would like to invite you, because I would love to go up again.

[799] Once you get up there, you're like, oh, this is very unique.

[800] What are my chances of being killed if I climb Mount Rainier with you?

[801] Seriously.

[802] With me specifically?

[803] Yeah.

[804] The only way you're going to die is if you accidentally.

[805] fall on the bowing knife.

[806] I'm going to make you carry the entire time.

[807] Okay.

[808] But there's no crevice that we have to cross where it's like a narrow bridge made of ice or anything like that?

[809] It depends on the year, but for this company, they only go up the easiest way.

[810] And so the people that die on Mount Rainier for the most part.

[811] I don't like the story already, but go ahead.

[812] There are people that are skiing down and they will ski into a crevasse or it's someone that is going up an extremely difficult way and then they get into a whiteout situation and they do something they shouldn't so when we went up uh it was sleep the first night second night burrito night you can eat as many burritos as you can have but they take care of you you're not you're not setting up all the tents all right here's my question it's glamping but up you know a 14 ,000 foot mountain you and i climb mount rainier and we it doesn't go well and we get lost at some point we won't get lost Hold on.

[813] Let me lay out the scenario.

[814] And the news flash goes out.

[815] Joel McAle, Conan O 'Brien lost on Mount Rainier.

[816] Your name will be first.

[817] It's not.

[818] We'll see.

[819] You know, it depends on how many years from now is this?

[820] You know, you'll still be working and I'll be, I'll have like a fruit stand somewhere.

[821] But anyway, the news flash goes out that we're missing.

[822] Do people come looking for us or do they let us leave us alone on the mountain?

[823] Well, people don't care.

[824] They'll look for us for like a couple days and then eventually in the spring.

[825] with melt will wind up in a river.

[826] But we'll still be alive.

[827] Well, no, no, no. Be great if we were gone the whole winter and then the melt came in, you and I walked down in soggy clothes.

[828] And you're like, what the...

[829] How did we do it?

[830] No, if you fall in a crevasse, that's it.

[831] Then that's nothing.

[832] You're gone.

[833] Do they ever find your body again?

[834] Not in a crevasse.

[835] Those are...

[836] But you won't have to...

[837] There will be a few challenging things where they've put ladders across a crevasse, but you're all roped in, you're doing it one at a time.

[838] One other question.

[839] I would like to do the version.

[840] Is there a version of this where I'm carried, like on a chair?

[841] You know what I mean?

[842] It's something where I'll pay extra.

[843] I'll pay for the privilege, but I'd like to be carried up.

[844] Like C3PO and Return to the Jedi, he was treated as a god.

[845] It sounds a little...

[846] Yes.

[847] There you go.

[848] I'd like that.

[849] No, there's not that version of this.

[850] And for enough money, there is.

[851] The fact that you're just thinking about it.

[852] I mean, yes, there's a way, but it's going to take a week or two.

[853] Yeah.

[854] And why would you, of all people, you're very humble.

[855] Why would you do it?

[856] I want to be carried up Mount Run here in a big chair.

[857] And I want to be the whole time looking at my iPad with the headset on.

[858] And I'll be binge watching community.

[859] And I'll be like, oh, I tell you again, this is a really good work.

[860] If you binge watch community, then you'll arrange it.

[861] I always say, you know, like when you read that book into thin air, because it's, you know, Everest is a...

[862] John Crackhauer, yeah.

[863] But he always said that if you don't acclimate, if someone were to plop you at the top of Everest, you could breathe for about six minutes before you just passed out from lack of oxygen.

[864] And I always thought, well, that's an opportunity for tourism right there, drop people off at the top of Everest, have them pass out, haul them back into the helicopter, you're sleeping, you're at the spa in that, that same day.

[865] So if you want to invest...

[866] in that.

[867] I'll do that.

[868] Okay.

[869] That and theme restaurants.

[870] Two very good places to put my money.

[871] That's a, for, for, for, for, for, for, for, yeah.

[872] Well, were you going to say six minutes?

[873] I don't think so.

[874] Oh, shit.

[875] What time do we start?

[876] Oh, look, there's Adam.

[877] Adam.

[878] Tell us.

[879] How long did we go?

[880] Yeah, I think, I think I tried to exit.

[881] Oh, 11.

[882] Oh, so we broke the record by one minute.

[883] Now listen, that's going to cut down to a really sweet 20 minutes.

[884] Fuck.

[885] I was going to say, eat that, ant man. Paul Rudd, I wonder who has the record for going the longest?

[886] Shouldn't you know that, Adam?

[887] I think it might be Springsteen.

[888] He started listing exits in New Jersey.

[889] And I remembered, we were like, well, this, what's he doing?

[890] And he was just like, there's exit, it's exit eight.

[891] And then there's exit Then there's exit nine It has a Dunkin' Donuts Then when you get to freehold There's exit 10 And I was like Is the next one 11 And he went Hey shut the fuck up Shut the fuck up I'm telling this story here And I went Okay and he went Then the next one's exit 11 I remember he He listed exits for 40 minutes But it was pretty engaging Wasn't it?

[892] No What?

[893] No And he had an acoustic guitar At one point he's like And there's exit 33 There's a white castle there it's right next to a tree and um it sounds pretty good no i had to hit him with a chair fortunately it was a breakaway chair and did that get him did that did that send him out of his mania it did he stopped for a second he said i sincerely apologize and then he said was i listing exits again and i say yes you were how's the truck i have a Toyota Tacoma pickup hey that's an ad i should do you really should you like my track i love your truck and you as soon as a I said that, you became very excited.

[894] Yeah.

[895] And my voice dropped a lot.

[896] Yeah, I went all out at Baldwin.

[897] Yeah.

[898] And my penis came out of my body.

[899] It did.

[900] For those, because this is, you know what's seeing this.

[901] It came out of my abdominal wall.

[902] It actually shot through.

[903] Yeah, it shot out.

[904] It's now detached and it's sticking in the wall like a dart.

[905] Remember that song, detachable penis by a king missile?

[906] No, I don't.

[907] All right.

[908] Well, listen.

[909] I know you're trying to find a wrap it up, but this is where.

[910] No, I have to make sure that I mention, this is one of those things.

[911] I have to mention.

[912] Stuff I'm doing.

[913] Well, yeah, you appear as the superhero Starman on the C .W. series, Star Girl.

[914] Yeah.

[915] Now, it's, there's been one season, this is season two.

[916] Describe for anyone who hasn't seen Star Man. Star Girl.

[917] Well, Star Girl, but Star Man, I'm not your character.

[918] Yeah.

[919] What's the character that you're most like in, say, the Marvel or DC Universe?

[920] I say, like, Star Man. I'm like Star Man. Okay.

[921] It's really fun to make.

[922] Yeah, I would think being a superhero would be fantastic.

[923] That's like every kid's dream is to play a superhero.

[924] I die in the first episode of the first season, but, you know, yeah.

[925] No, it really was a dream come true.

[926] And Breck Bassenger, who plays star girl, is great.

[927] And of course, Luke Wilson, he's her mentor.

[928] And then Amy Smart, they're great.

[929] And so it's, and Jeff Johns is a fucking genius.

[930] And so I was just kind of, like, happy to be there.

[931] and it was this great, wonderful thing to do.

[932] You've sent me pictures also from the set where you're, you know, in the full regalia.

[933] Yeah.

[934] That must be hard for you.

[935] No. It's not?

[936] No, not at all.

[937] I know that if I...

[938] Look.

[939] When do I become exhausting is the question?

[940] I mean, I could look back at...

[941] In 2005 when I met you?

[942] 2007, I think.

[943] Was it?

[944] I was really done with you.

[945] I came on the show.

[946] That's when I first met you, and Heidi Kloom was your lead guest.

[947] And now, if that was today, you'd be first.

[948] and Hatton would be second.

[949] I don't think so.

[950] And I wouldn't be there.

[951] And I wouldn't be hosted.

[952] Oh, who would it be?

[953] Craig Kilburn?

[954] Yeah.

[955] Pick one of 65 people who would be.

[956] But now you have, you know, for your character on community, you needed to be in good shape.

[957] But now you need to, you need to be eating massive amounts of steak and pumping iron all the time.

[958] There's a lot of heart.

[959] You found a job that fits your various illnesses.

[960] That all, my mania is being rewarded.

[961] And so, and also with those super suits, because they made them two years ago, and he was like, all right, well, this is the size you have to remain.

[962] So if you're going to squeeze into this thing, otherwise they're spending all this money on super suits, which they're not going to.

[963] So I know the kind of like target weight and size I have to.

[964] I'll tell you this.

[965] I don't let people adjust my suits.

[966] I have to.

[967] You're kidding.

[968] No. And so during COVID, when I. I gained weight, like all of us, I'm just like, no, you're going to wear those and be uncomfortable until you're not uncomfortable anymore, asshole.

[969] That's how punitive I am about my...

[970] How much weight did you gain?

[971] I don't know.

[972] I probably gained two pounds?

[973] No, no, no. Seriously.

[974] Okay.

[975] I'm going to say, I mean, look, listen to us, two grown men talking about how much weight we gained.

[976] That's true.

[977] My wife is always saying men over 40 turn into 15 -year -old girls.

[978] Yes.

[979] Because she is right.

[980] And she always says, look, women got this out of the way when we were teenagers.

[981] And men, we never thought about this stuff.

[982] And then we hit 45 or something.

[983] We start to go, I can't have that.

[984] That'll go right to my hips.

[985] That's exactly.

[986] And it's what happens.

[987] But yeah, that's me now.

[988] I will not, no, you cannot let the suit out.

[989] You cannot let the pants out.

[990] And I have a voice inside my head that's like, you happy?

[991] You have to gain that weight, you shit?

[992] You're happy?

[993] What if you gained, like, muscle in your arms or chest?

[994] And then you'd be like, well, now I've got to adjust it.

[995] They've got to be a little bit bigger at the top.

[996] What do you mean if I gained?

[997] How could I put more muscle on right now than what I have?

[998] If you focus a bit on arms and chest for the next month, you will notice a big difference, and I'm not kidding.

[999] If you were to focus on lifting a little heavier chest and, like, incline, and arms.

[1000] I mean, up to, like, a 25 pound weight for chest.

[1001] Uh, yeah, uh, okay, uh, that's, I didn't, you will, I use the, I use these weights that if I use them, uh, outside and there's a strong wind, they float away.

[1002] I'm told that's a bad sign.

[1003] Are you, do, do your weights look like paper airplanes?

[1004] They do.

[1005] Well, they're paper airplanes.

[1006] Oh, okay.

[1007] You have a terrible trainer.

[1008] Yeah, he's really bad.

[1009] And he's very sickly looking, um, very weak.

[1010] Like, like, he looks like, uh, in Tombstone.

[1011] He looks like Val Kilmer.

[1012] He's Val Kilmer.

[1013] My trainer is, I'm here, Huckleberry.

[1014] He shows up just sitting in a nightclub.

[1015] Conner, what are we doing the day?

[1016] I know what we're doing.

[1017] We're going to have a little bit of this medicine.

[1018] Yeah.

[1019] Hear your paper airplanes.

[1020] Yeah, no. You'd see.

[1021] I'm going to do it.

[1022] I don't want to get too jacked.

[1023] And I think that's a big fear a lot of people have when they see me is, Conan, don't get too jacked, you know?

[1024] Say you lose weight and then your suits are a little baggy.

[1025] Would you take them in?

[1026] Or do you go, I have a little bit to work with you?

[1027] Here, I'm having some cheesecake.

[1028] I would like the pants to fall off, revealing my boxer shorts, and then say to people, that's what happens when you lose weight.

[1029] You know, that's what I want.

[1030] Are the hilarious boxer shorts with like, you know, the big big and with hearts all over them?

[1031] I'm like, oh no. My little kitty, yeah.

[1032] Let me make sure I mention that people need to check out the show Stargirl.

[1033] It's the CW series.

[1034] Yeah, it's also on the DC app and on Prime and all that.

[1035] Yeah, I want to make sure I get the word out on that.

[1036] I want to make sure I get the word out on all the different products that you love.

[1037] Like any watches you want to mention?

[1038] Gloucheuta, it's great.

[1039] Gau Schuhta!

[1040] Okay, stop yelling it.

[1041] I'm going to hurt your cozy deal with Gloucester by invoking a dictator.

[1042] Okay, all right.

[1043] It's just I like them.

[1044] Okay.

[1045] You know, I want to give a little shout out to the Squatty Potty.

[1046] Set it in front of your toilet and it helps you evacuate your bowels more easily.

[1047] That's Squatty Potty.

[1048] Why would, I mean, of all the things you, You have so much power.

[1049] I'm in the pocket of big Squatty Potty.

[1050] Okay.

[1051] I mean, what are you going to do once you have enough of them for each of your bathrooms?

[1052] I have hundreds of squatty potties, just everywhere.

[1053] I'm trying to get my dog to use it out in the yard.

[1054] That's not going to ever happen.

[1055] If you could get those legs up on that balsa wood.

[1056] I had one of those for a while.

[1057] I'm not kidding.

[1058] Look, let me end on a sincere note.

[1059] Here we go.

[1060] You are a very funny fellow.

[1061] you've done some excellent work.

[1062] I really hope there's a community movie because, and I'm stingy with my praise of television shows, probably more so than I should be, but I think that's, I don't think I've even met Dan Harmon, but I think that's one of the finer crafted pieces of work I've seen, and you're excellent in it, and you should be really proud of that, and that's going to endure.

[1063] And you're also a really nice person.

[1064] You're a really nice person I love you and your wife, and I love hanging with you guys, and I look forward to you, making me a 64 pound steak sometime in the near future.

[1065] Oh, yeah.

[1066] Or you're going to see the curve of that animal, and I'm going to smoke it for two and a half weeks.

[1067] Is that the longest you've ever smoked something?

[1068] Like, you know, other than in college?

[1069] Okay.

[1070] Sorry.

[1071] No, there's no audience.

[1072] So dumb.

[1073] There's no audience here to applaud that.

[1074] 24 hours is the longest I've ever smoked it.

[1075] Okay.

[1076] It was a brisk.

[1077] Let's do that.

[1078] Two briskets.

[1079] Yeah.

[1080] You had beef ribs last time.

[1081] I did.

[1082] Those were fucking good.

[1083] Yeah.

[1084] I know I'm complimenting myself.

[1085] But coming in, It's very, still to this day, the fact that I'm sitting across from you and I told you on your show that you're the only show that I ever wrote a letter to going like, I don't know how, I hope I can be this funny someday.

[1086] Well, keep dreaming.

[1087] Yes.

[1088] Shit.

[1089] I ended on.

[1090] So the fact that we, I'm still, but the fact that we're friends, I just can't, I'm still like, I'm still like, look at this.

[1091] This is crazy.

[1092] Yeah.

[1093] And you're so abusive usually during dinner, especially after your first half.

[1094] cup of sparkling wine, but I don't care.

[1095] I'm just with you, and it's so pleasant.

[1096] I get very abusive on boxed wines.

[1097] I don't know why, but I do.

[1098] But Joel McHale, you are...

[1099] You know who makes a great box wine?

[1100] Who?

[1101] Chateau Saint -Michelle.

[1102] Or San Michel, they drop the chateau part, which is out of Washington.

[1103] Well, you'll never go hungry because you are going to be plugging and making money the rest of your life.

[1104] See, you say that, but I don't believe you.

[1105] Okay.

[1106] Well, there's the sickness talking.

[1107] Okay.

[1108] God bless you, Joel McHale.

[1109] God bless you.

[1110] God less Conan O 'Brien.

[1111] Hey, guys, let's talk about human centipede.

[1112] You know, okay, basically, let me explain.

[1113] We were just all having a chat, and then somehow we got onto the topic of the movie Human Centipede, and then we quickly stopped and said, let's get this on the podcast.

[1114] Because if you're going to talk about the Human Centipede movie, make sure that it is Record it.

[1115] Make sure it's recorded and distributed to the masses.

[1116] I have a very clear memory.

[1117] First of all, when that movie came out, everyone was saying it's this forbidden movie and finally they've gone too far.

[1118] And I was on tour at the time.

[1119] Do you remember this son?

[1120] I do because that's when I watched it.

[1121] I'm going to, well, that's what I'm, that's my point is that I'm on a tour bus and I remembered once you finally got somehow a copy of it on your computer.

[1122] Yeah.

[1123] From the dark web.

[1124] On the dark We were streaming it.

[1125] And so you went back with Megan Sinclair, photographer for the show, and she, you two went back in the bus to this back area and shut the door and watched it.

[1126] And at one point I came in and looked at your faces and it was if you had seen a black hole that was devouring the universe.

[1127] Yes.

[1128] And you just had this look of awe and horror and I thought we were going to have to stop the bus at a hospital and have you guys treated.

[1129] for shock and then later on I just had to so I watched human centipede and then of course we started doing tons of bits we had a human centipede menorah on the show people should know too that this film from 2010 is most people probably do know this but the centipede is made up of three humans that's right the front the middle and the rear and they're all stitched to each other by an evil doctor yes mouth to ass yeah or yeah depends on what it depends some people say mouth to ass.

[1130] I prefer ass to mouth.

[1131] Okay.

[1132] But it all depends.

[1133] It's you say tomato, I say tomato.

[1134] Um, let's call the whole thing off.

[1135] The original version, actually, of that song written in the 30s was you say mouth to ass.

[1136] I say ass to mouth.

[1137] Let's call the whole thing off.

[1138] That's what the Gershwins wanted.

[1139] Um, I don't think it's the Gershwins.

[1140] Is it not the Gershwins?

[1141] I don't think so.

[1142] I thought it was the Gershwins.

[1143] Uh, I'm going to say Cole Porter.

[1144] Let me check it up.

[1145] If I'm right, I'm going to feel really good about myself.

[1146] I'm pretty sure Cole Porter wrote Ask to Mouth Mouth to Ass.

[1147] I can tell you this, that this is absolutely the first time the human centipede and Cole Porter have been referenced in the same conversation.

[1148] Sorry, second time.

[1149] I was giving a lecture not long ago on Cole Porter and I brought up human centipede and the whole crowd knew exactly what I was talking about.

[1150] Adam said it's the Gershwin's.

[1151] Is it?

[1152] Okay.

[1153] Oh, wow.

[1154] Good for you.

[1155] Look at me. That was good.

[1156] It's very rare that I know something that you don't know.

[1157] I thought that was a good guess, and I just thought it was Cole Porter for some reason.

[1158] But the point is human centipede.

[1159] That's right.

[1160] Back to ass to mouth to mouth.

[1161] Sowing humans together, ass to mouth to mouth to ass.

[1162] And the thing that I was always trying to understand about that movie, and I did watch the movie, is there's a mad scientist, obviously, because there's always a mad scientist.

[1163] Yeah.

[1164] My guess is his credentials had been pulled at some point when he proposed the whole mouth -to -ass sewing.

[1165] And anyway, he's this mad scientist, and he does this.

[1166] And it's never clear why he thinks this is a good idea.

[1167] It's never clear.

[1168] There's no purpose for it.

[1169] And then he acts like this is going to work somehow, but it doesn't.

[1170] It doesn't work.

[1171] It doesn't make any sense on any level.

[1172] And so I left the movie, instead of being titillated and shocked, I left being angry at the bad science.

[1173] I felt like he had let me down.

[1174] That was your issue with the film.

[1175] My issue with the film is he didn't think this through.

[1176] Well, maybe it's a way to solve world hunger.

[1177] No. What do you talk about?

[1178] If it worked, if you could ingest someone's feces and then expel your feces into someone else's mouth, you don't need food.

[1179] We would have figured that out so long ago.

[1180] We would have figured out you think that this guy cracked the, if someone was like, oh, my God.

[1181] And listen, this conversation is taking a very dark turn.

[1182] and I understand if you're driving the car right now, you need to pull over and stop it.

[1183] But if ingesting feces was something that worked and was pretty good and had a lot of nutritional value, I think humans would have figured that out year three of human existence.

[1184] They wouldn't have figured it out in 2010 when some co -eds stumble into a kooky German professor's office in the rain, and he just hits on this idea.

[1185] No, it doesn't work.

[1186] That's my problem with it.

[1187] It's the rain.

[1188] These two women go to this guy's house.

[1189] He is creepy from the get -go.

[1190] And they're like, yeah, this looks okay.

[1191] And they go into his house.

[1192] Wait a minute.

[1193] You're one to talk.

[1194] You took no social cues when you were dating.

[1195] This is true.

[1196] I mean, I'm sorry.

[1197] You just...

[1198] I would have been in that centipede.

[1199] Yes.

[1200] You've many times told me stories about, oh, I met this guy.

[1201] He seemed really weird.

[1202] He had a knife.

[1203] He kept itching his chest.

[1204] Okay.

[1205] He was wearing a shirt that said, I murder.

[1206] And what did you do?

[1207] Well, we went to a restaurant.

[1208] Then we hung out at his house in the basement.

[1209] And he, what happened?

[1210] Well, he tried to stab me a couple times, but I was like, cut it out, cut it out.

[1211] What happened then?

[1212] Well, a week later, I called him up, and we decided to hang out in an old abandoned mine.

[1213] You did?

[1214] Yeah, what happened there?

[1215] He came at me with a flame on like a torch and he tried to burn me. And I'm like, hey, knock it off with the burning.

[1216] I just barely got away.

[1217] What then?

[1218] Well, I'm going to see him tomorrow.

[1219] I'm meeting him.

[1220] He's taking me to see human centipede.

[1221] He's taking me to see human centipede.

[1222] Oh, really?

[1223] In a theater?

[1224] No, it's his own screening room he built out of human skulls.

[1225] Oh.

[1226] Really?

[1227] What's it projected on?

[1228] Just giant sheets of human skin.

[1229] Oh.

[1230] But I think it'll be okay.

[1231] That was you when you were single.

[1232] You know what?

[1233] I would argue with you, but you're 100 % correct.

[1234] I went on the four worst dates of my life with the same guy.

[1235] I think I've told you this.

[1236] Yeah.

[1237] And I think that by the fourth date, I was like, I loathe this person, but I just, I'm going to just do it anyway.

[1238] Why?

[1239] I don't know.

[1240] He was cute, I guess.

[1241] I don't know.

[1242] So do you think you would be open to getting human centipeded then?

[1243] I don't think I'd be open to it, but I could see myself.

[1244] Like, I'm judging these ladies who go into this guy's house and he's like, I'm going to drug you and whatever, but I would have probably done that.

[1245] Yeah, and I think what would have happened is he would have tried to sow you to the other person, something you would have escaped, run through the woods, but then come back the next day to say, hey, do you want to watch this?

[1246] At least four times.

[1247] Do you want to watch, yeah, I've got a DVD.

[1248] I've got a DVD that's pretty good.

[1249] Escape from Witch Mountain, it's the second one.

[1250] The bigger moral quandary, and I always ask my wife, Amanda this, because she's, she's an actor is what would you guys do if you were given a role in this movie and you're a struggling actor like I'm assuming these actors were.

[1251] I mean the problem is the problem is it's that chance you take.

[1252] I think it's very hard to recover from that role.

[1253] Clearly.

[1254] So I think if Dame Judy Dench had been in that movie, if they had made that movie in 1965 and Dame Judy Dench had been in it and she's a magnificent actress.

[1255] I don't know that she could recover and become a dame and become one of the leading actors in the world.

[1256] Maybe she could.

[1257] You know that all her interviews would be, well, anyway, I'm a pleasure to be here.

[1258] I'm so nice to have my, you know, second Oscar.

[1259] What a wonderful...

[1260] Yes, Warren here we're going to...

[1261] No questions about human centipede.

[1262] Imagine though if it was Judy Dinch, Helen Miren and Ian McKellen has this human centipede.

[1263] Yeah.

[1264] Are the three?

[1265] And it was made in 1965, and all of them were in London's South End.

[1266] They were really starving.

[1267] They needed the work.

[1268] Human Centipede came out.

[1269] So it's those three fantastic actors in Human Centipede.

[1270] And then they all managed to recover their careers and go on to big things.

[1271] But if you bring it up, they just lose their minds.

[1272] We're not talking about that.

[1273] We're not talking about it.

[1274] Now, I made this very clear with my public.

[1275] We are not talking about human centipede, but I'm sorry.

[1276] Was it your ass?

[1277] Wait, whose jaw was strapped to, it'd be like, was Dame Judy Dench first, then, and then Ian McKellen, like, the order's important.

[1278] And then you'd finally get Ian McKellon saying, well, I, you know, it was very upset to be second.

[1279] I think I should have been first.

[1280] I should have been the first one receiving food.

[1281] And then my feces should have been passed on, you know, and he's still ranting and raving about it 40 years later.

[1282] And then the quarantine hit and they finally agreed to a Zoom reunion re -read of the script.

[1283] This is to raise money.

[1284] The three of them it's to raise money for a good cause to get, buy more mass and distribute them and they're like, well, very well, let's do this.

[1285] Oh, stark and stormy night, is it?

[1286] Yes, it certainly is.

[1287] Oh, look.

[1288] In the rain, it's a German professional.

[1289] This is home.

[1290] Let's, just go have a. Yes, yes, we'll go have a look.

[1291] What?

[1292] Drugged?

[1293] Wait a minute.

[1294] You're sewing my jar to her ass.

[1295] You monster.

[1296] I think you can recover if you were the first in the centipede.

[1297] If you didn't eat any of the shit, then I think that you can recover.

[1298] Your career is fine after that.

[1299] So you're saying as an actor, not as a human who's been drafted.

[1300] As someone who's been eating shit on television for 28 years, I can tell.

[1301] you that it's survivable okay you know out there on TV being insulted by the best of them oh god yeah let's wrap this up before we inevitably get to the point where we try to figure out which position the three of us are in in this thing oh well that ends it very quickly that is all right well onward to better things but hey human centipede I think there's some sequels God knows what's in those but check it out wait Why am I promoting that?

[1302] Why are you promoting?

[1303] I don't know why.

[1304] Available wherever things are shown.

[1305] I don't know.

[1306] That was terrible.

[1307] I apologize.

[1308] So bad.

[1309] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[1310] With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Goreley.

[1311] Produced by me, Matt Goreley.

[1312] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solitaroff, and Jeff Ross at Team Koko and Colin Anderson at Earwolf.

[1313] Theme song by The White Stripes.

[1314] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[1315] Take it away, Jimmy.

[1316] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[1317] Engineering by Will Bechton.

[1318] Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brick Kahn.

[1319] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode.

[1320] Got a question for Conan?

[1321] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

[1322] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[1323] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[1324] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.