#1082 - Greg Fitzsimmons

[0] do do do do do another episode of the richard jenny fan club he's he's a guy that i've been telling forever is probably the most underrated stand -up in the history of stand -up i think he's like one of the all -time grades and he's got a body of work because he did a one hour back before everybody was doing one -hour specials every year he was doing that shit back in the 90s oh yeah on showtime at a showtime every year like when i was just starting out so i think it was like 89 or 90 somewhere around the way he had a showtime special and then he had a bunch of HBO yep he had a bunch of HBO specials but the last one that he did before he died in 2007 that is his masterpiece really yeah it's called a steaming pile of me and I was listening to it one night coming home from a club and just laughing out loud in the car and clapping clapping in the car like god damn this guy was good Yeah, what a pro.

[1] He was so good.

[2] I mean, he was one of those guys that dressed.

[3] He put on a sharp outfit with pleated pants.

[4] You know, really fucking corny, like, 90s -looking, you know, the collar with no, you know, the rounded priest collar shirts.

[5] Well, he was from Bensonhurst.

[6] Oh, is that right?

[7] Yeah, yeah.

[8] It's the old school giddy mentality from Brooklyn.

[9] Yeah.

[10] And he would give you a lot.

[11] I can remember like at least three times.

[12] he would call me an hour after my set and give me taglines to bits.

[13] Wow.

[14] Yeah.

[15] And they were fucking good.

[16] He was almost like on the spectrum with that.

[17] Yeah.

[18] He wouldn't look in the eye.

[19] He'd be like looking down and he'd go really fast and talk with his hands.

[20] Yeah.

[21] And I think he, obviously, if people don't know Richard Jenny, sadly committed suicide in the end.

[22] And what was tough for him was that he was that good.

[23] and he never really broke through.

[24] He had a sitcom, short -lived sitcom called Platypus Man that was on like one of those...

[25] UPN, I believe it was.

[26] Yeah.

[27] And after that, it was like he was a guy who used to fill up his book in January.

[28] You know, he was on the road 45 weeks a year and, you know, making, you know, $100 grand on corporate dates, 50 grand on corporate dates.

[29] Yeah.

[30] With, you know, 15 of those a year.

[31] Yeah, I'm sure he was living well.

[32] But he didn't enjoy it.

[33] Yeah.

[34] Yeah.

[35] And to us, he was a hero.

[36] Yeah.

[37] Like, I remember seeing him in East Side Comedy Club in New York, and it was me and Joey Cola and a couple of the guys.

[38] I only saw one set, but, God, I forget who the host was, but the host said he did an different hour all four shows.

[39] No shit.

[40] And I went, what?

[41] I was so humbled because I was like, I don't even have, I had 20 minutes back then.

[42] I was like, what?

[43] How did he do that?

[44] How can he do that?

[45] Right.

[46] And they were like, he's the best.

[47] Yeah.

[48] He's, but it was a weird thing.

[49] It's like he came along before Netflix, because if he was around today and people got to see his Netflix special, it's just one of those things that would have caught on.

[50] Right.

[51] But in the HBO specials, you either home when it aired or you weren't.

[52] You know, there was no DVRs back then.

[53] Yeah.

[54] Maybe, maybe you set up the VHS tape to record.

[55] Maybe.

[56] Yeah.

[57] I could never figure out how to fucking get that thing to record when I wasn't there.

[58] Oh, no, I couldn't do that.

[59] No. The timer, you'd end up recording like Days of Our Lives or something.

[60] Yeah, fucking Golden Girls.

[61] A bunch of old twats.

[62] Being written.

[63] It was a bunch of old women and the scripts are written by old Jewish guys.

[64] Yeah.

[65] You know.

[66] I just...

[67] All menopause jokes.

[68] He's one of the saddest cases to me because I just don't think that...

[69] I don't know, like, how many friends he had.

[70] Like, in comedy, I know he's really good friends with...

[71] Chris Rock.

[72] Yeah.

[73] And he worked with Chris a lot.

[74] Like, he was, like, a punch -up guy for Chris a lot.

[75] But I don't, you know, I don't know if anybody was there to just be as, I think that's a big thing for us because we're so, like, I think comics are some of the weirdest fucking people.

[76] Yeah.

[77] But I gravitate towards them.

[78] Like, I've always said, if I run into a comic at the airport, I'm like, oh, look, it's one of us, you know, just, we're weird.

[79] Yeah.

[80] It's a weird job.

[81] We're weird people.

[82] We're all crazy.

[83] I've never met one of us that isn't crazy.

[84] And I think sometimes we need each other to go, yeah, it's all right.

[85] You're all right.

[86] Everybody loves you, man. Yeah, going to the comedy store for me is definitely like a therapy session.

[87] I feel, and partly it's that you're performing and you're getting the positive feedback.

[88] And part of it is that you're running into people.

[89] And I mean, it could be anybody.

[90] It could be an Asian female comic.

[91] It could be a fat.

[92] It could be Don Barris, like the spectrum of different types.

[93] Like you said, there's something that there's a thread that runs through all of it, which is like this feeling that, like MMA, we're going to get in the ring.

[94] We are going to face an audience at some point that night.

[95] And there's a charge to that.

[96] Like, there's a fear.

[97] I don't care who the fuck you are.

[98] You can deny you're afraid when you go on stage every, but it's in there somewhere.

[99] We've just gotten so good at dealing with it that it doesn't show, and sometimes we're not even aware of it.

[100] And if it's not there, that means you're probably not taking any chances.

[101] That's not good Because then you'll have that dull thing going on stage And then you'll bomb and then you'll really have fear When you're doing jokes that you think are killer And they're just eating plates of shit up there Because you don't have anything left in you Yeah Like last night it's just Murderer's Row man I'm walking in and fucking Bobby Lee's crushing And then Chris DeLea's crushing And then I go up and Theo Vaughn's crushing And then it's fucking Ian Edwards smashing after that's like Good Lord what a lineup Yeah, right.

[102] And you're hugging everybody.

[103] I'm hugging.

[104] Right.

[105] Dom Barris, I see him.

[106] I hug Whitney Cummings.

[107] I see her.

[108] Everybody's just like, it's just this big camaraderie place.

[109] Yeah.

[110] We're so lucky.

[111] Yeah, we survived.

[112] You know, and there's so many guys that I came up.

[113] You know, we came up with guys that I would have, I was competitive when I started out.

[114] And every's guys I had bad blood with.

[115] And I see those guys now, and they're like my brothers because we went through it together.

[116] Yeah.

[117] I know.

[118] The competitive thing I've talked about.

[119] that a lot like I had to give that up I had that when I was a kid when I was like 21 -ish because it was still left over from the martial arts days like martial arts competition then like I would want people to do bad and then I realized like that is so stupid like that has zero effect on me like when they're up there if they're doing good that will just make me better just make me work harder yeah but if they do bad like I want like that's the thing that some comedians do they will take a terrible comic on the road with them so they can look like a hero it's a common thing right it's called stacking the deck yeah like they'll stack the deck they'll have like just some torturous act for half an hour and then they go up and look like a monster yeah and that's not the way to do it I don't think I think the way to do it is the opposite just have a bunch of murderers on in front of you and have fun with it yeah and everybody have fun yeah I think that you I love I mean there's I don't like going on after Delia there's like one or two guys that I just don't like going on after and and and but in general why don't you like going on after delia I just feel like he's so physical and big and that doesn't really it shouldn't affect me but I just feel like when he gets off the crowd is just like in this mode of like euphoria and it's kind of like all right I'm going to I'm going to take it down a couple notches and just talk and I feel like sometimes that's my weakness that I can't adjust to that Joey Diaz, same thing it's just like the room is just they got to put their socks back on and you're up there and I'm writing dry shit I'm trying to be a little ironic and they're just looking at me like you're small you're insignificant you know and all your insecurities start coming out sometimes and I've beaten that like you come up in New York and you can't be like that because you're going on after a tell and louis and whoever and so i came to terms with with trying to realizing that you don't ride the wave you let the wave settle and you start your own wave and and i would make that mistake early on as i'd come up then and i'd jack up my energy and i and it wasn't me and then it would falter yeah that is that is true you have to bring the audience to you yeah yeah and the one the best place to learn how to do that is the or right you know because first of all you really you only have 15 minutes and there's all these other guys that have 15 minutes too and they go on these rides so everybody's going on a new ride like okay we just got done with Magic Mountain or Space Mountain now we're going to go on this ride it's a small world oh small world slower settle down it's not as crazy we're all the lights like you got to settle in yeah yeah it's a great fucking place for just just figuring it out yeah working on your shit I'm in this weird place right now with my act where I'm getting ready to film a special.

[120] How are you?

[121] I'm hyper examining everything, going over everything with a fine -tooth comb.

[122] But the problem with that is you go over everything too much and then it starts getting real blurry.

[123] Like, what am I looking at?

[124] What is this?

[125] Yeah.

[126] You know?

[127] And you start landing, I find that I start landing on the punch lines too hard.

[128] Instead of talking it out, instead of like being, like, the more I do it, the more I know, all right, this is where they laugh.

[129] And I sort of, and there's sort of like, I stick it too much.

[130] much instead of flowing.

[131] And so when you do the special, it's almost like you've got to take a little time off before you do it.

[132] Yeah, there's a number of sets you do where you're in the groove and it's tight and everything feels good.

[133] And then there's a number that you do too much and everything gets kind of flat.

[134] Yeah.

[135] You've got to find that.

[136] Right.

[137] But what is that?

[138] What if they have that in other things?

[139] Like if that's, it must be the case with bands, right?

[140] When they tour, they must get so sick of fucking singing the same song.

[141] over and over and over and over again.

[142] I mean, I saw the Beach Boys recently, and they fucking love it.

[143] They love being up there.

[144] You know, you can see it, you can feel it.

[145] You know, I think it goes to another level.

[146] I think it becomes a communication with the fans, with bands that we don't necessarily have the same thing.

[147] Right.

[148] It's like, for them, it is a very communal experience that's happening.

[149] And with us, it's more like, we're going to dominate you for an hour.

[150] Right, right.

[151] We're going to take control of this room.

[152] You're going to listen to everything we say.

[153] We're going to bring you up.

[154] take you down and salt you bring you back in you know crowd work there's like a whole thing but it's all being orchestrated by you yeah yeah another thing we were talking about about travel the places like that the further you go the harder it is to get there the more happy they are to see yeah right that's a that's an interesting phenomenon like if you could do like i was saying that rye and i did a gig in anchorage alaska a few years back it was fucking amazing yeah you get up there in this weird town, you know, and the coolest fucking people.

[155] You ever been to Anchorage?

[156] No. Dude, crazy.

[157] We've got up there, and I'm expecting, I'm going to see people covered in fur and everything's going to be covered in snow and they're riding dog sleds everywhere and shit.

[158] No, they were so normal.

[159] I drove by this group of people holding up signs and said, Honk for diversity.

[160] Oh, no shit.

[161] Yeah, like they're holding rainbow flags up and shit.

[162] Do they have diversity?

[163] Yeah, yeah.

[164] No shit.

[165] Yeah.

[166] Yeah, it's, I mean, it's a real city.

[167] I mean, it's small.

[168] Yeah.

[169] How many people do you think live in Anchorage?

[170] Do you have to guess?

[171] 20 ,000?

[172] I'm going to go with 50.

[173] 50 people?

[174] Yeah, no, 50 ,000.

[175] 300 ,000.

[176] 300 ,000.

[177] No shit.

[178] Wow.

[179] Wow.

[180] Shit, that's huge.

[181] Yeah.

[182] That's three times the size of Boulder.

[183] That's really big.

[184] I was in Juneau.

[185] I remember I was in Juneau and there was a Burger King, and I was like, what the fuck is a Burger King doing in the middle of a Alaska, and then they were bald eagles going through the dumpster and picking it fucking Big Macs.

[186] I was like, here's a symbol of America right here.

[187] That's the first time I've ever seen an eagle live.

[188] It was in Alaska.

[189] There's a weird animal to look at.

[190] I know.

[191] It's a weird animal to pick for your bird, too.

[192] Like, it's our national animal.

[193] Yeah.

[194] A ruthless fucking evil raptor.

[195] Yeah.

[196] That comes out of the sky out of nowhere.

[197] It kills.

[198] Yeah.

[199] You know, they say that there was an eagle at one point in time that they think was preying on early humans.

[200] No shit.

[201] Yeah.

[202] They think that there's been some giant raptors in the past, and they found some old primate bones, some old ancient, you know, ancestors of human beings that had what looked like claw marks on their skulls.

[203] Yeah.

[204] Their brains had been picked out of their skull and clawed out.

[205] Yeah.

[206] There was an eagle like that in New Zealand.

[207] It was called the Haast Eagle.

[208] It was an enormous eagle in New Zealand.

[209] England, like way bigger than any of the eagles that we have alive today.

[210] They think it might have jacked a few people.

[211] Wow.

[212] Well, Colorado, I'm sure, when you lived out there, people, you can't leave your dog outside.

[213] No, my dog got eaten there.

[214] Oh, no shit.

[215] Yeah, I had a bit about it in my act.

[216] No shit.

[217] Yeah, my littlest dog.

[218] What kind of dog was it?

[219] He was a Pomeranian American Eskimo mix.

[220] That's a decent -sized dog, right?

[221] No, he was real little.

[222] Oh.

[223] He was like this big.

[224] It was like maybe 30 pounds, tiny little guy.

[225] Yeah.

[226] He got jacked.

[227] Did you see him get jacked?

[228] No, but we saw the cat hanging around the property.

[229] We saw the cat in the area, and then there was definitely evidence that something had gone down.

[230] Yeah.

[231] Fuck.

[232] Yeah.

[233] It happens all the time.

[234] One of the things that they found in California is because California has a lot of mountain lines that live on the outskirts of cities.

[235] They purposely hang around the outskirts of cities.

[236] can come into town at night and eat people's dogs and cats.

[237] And they found that when they examine the contents, they expected it to be way more like rabbits and deer and shit like that.

[238] But it was half domestic house cats and dogs.

[239] Yeah.

[240] Half of their diet.

[241] Well, because they're easy.

[242] Yeah, they're the fatted calf.

[243] Well, also, they can just jump over everything.

[244] I mean, any fence you have, they goop over it, grab your dog, and they're so powerful.

[245] They could take your dog over the top of the fence.

[246] Yeah, right.

[247] Fucking nuts.

[248] Shit.

[249] I came home one day and there was a possum in the driveway and the crow, you know, fucking, are they ravens or crows in L .A.?

[250] Those giant black birds.

[251] That's a good question.

[252] I don't know what the difference is.

[253] Because I said they were crows and my friends like, no, those are ravens.

[254] And they're big.

[255] I mean, they're a good two feet long.

[256] Yeah.

[257] And it was on top of a possum and it was fucking picking it apart.

[258] And the thing was alive.

[259] The possum was alive.

[260] What?

[261] Yeah.

[262] Really?

[263] And so I tried to scare this, this.

[264] Blackbird away, and he looked at me like, I'm not going anywhere, I got a fucking possum here.

[265] And so I got a broom, and I, like, pushed him away.

[266] You hit him?

[267] Yeah.

[268] He let you get that close, so you could touch him?

[269] Oh, yeah, he wasn't leaving the possum.

[270] Wow.

[271] And then he stood, like, 12 feet away, and I got a shoebox, and I put the possum in it.

[272] But the possums, they hiss at you.

[273] They open their mouths, and they just go, like, s's.

[274] And they got vicious teeth.

[275] You got to be really careful with them.

[276] But I got it in the shoebox, and I called animal service.

[277] and they came and got it.

[278] Look at you out there saving possums.

[279] That's right.

[280] I love possums.

[281] Do you?

[282] You got a thing for them?

[283] Yeah, they're cute as shit.

[284] I love them.

[285] And they're just so mysterious.

[286] You know, they come out at night and they're...

[287] Yeah, like where are they hiding in the day?

[288] One of them used to sleep and I had some shrubs on the side of my lawn and it was, you could, if you looked inside, you could see them hanging upside down.

[289] Whoa.

[290] Yeah.

[291] Oh, that's right.

[292] They hang.

[293] Yeah.

[294] What a fucked up animal.

[295] I know.

[296] Have you ever seen Aquata Monday?

[297] Never even heard of it.

[298] Aquata Monday is an animal that's in South America and a friend of mine was telling me he ran into one or I was listening to his podcast rather he ran into one of them in Arizona and that it looks like a bear fucked a monkey it looks like half bear half monkey look at that thing no shit look at that thing and it's a climber yeah dude well they're big they're like 40 pounds and they're predatory and he was making noises.

[299] He was deer hunting and this thing came running out of the woods.

[300] He was trying to call it by making like wounded animal sounds like and this thing like and came running out of the out of the grass looking at him.

[301] Look at that thing.

[302] Look at his fucking teeth.

[303] Whoa.

[304] What crazy little animal.

[305] Like a Wolverine.

[306] I didn't even know that existed.

[307] I had no idea that thing existed.

[308] I mean it does look like it's a member of the Badger family and you look at its face but then it has a tail.

[309] Like a big, crazy long tail.

[310] But the teeth look like orangutan teeth, the way they curve in, like sharp.

[311] I didn't even know that was a real thing.

[312] Apparently, there's a lot of them in South America, and then in the United States, they are expanding their range in Arizona.

[313] Wow.

[314] Yeah.

[315] The way you spell it is C -O -A -T -I -M -U -N -D -I, Quata -M -M -D -I, Quata -Mund -E.

[316] Isn't that a Spanish -speaking channel?

[317] It was actually coming up like that, Kuda -Mundi.

[318] Oh, interesting Yeah, the K Hmm But people spell it with a C In America Yeah, I went with your phonetic spell And I typed it in actually with a Q And this is what came up was the K -U -A Interesting I think How is it spelled in that other one If you scrolled down That one that we just looked at?

[319] C I think you spell it with a C Yeah, I think that's how you spell it C -O -A Yeah Whatever, it's awesome And people apparently The Game and Fish Department in Arizona, they get calls all the time where people like, there's a monkey running around in the woods.

[320] I saw a monkey.

[321] Yeah.

[322] But it's that thing.

[323] If that's Arizona, that could just be a racist, calling.

[324] Arizona's this weird place.

[325] Arizona is incredibly interesting in its climate, right?

[326] Like you've got desert and then you have like some of the craziest forest.

[327] You have all kinds of weird shit.

[328] They're like incredibly diverse wildlife population in Arizona.

[329] Yeah, right.

[330] Big ass birds.

[331] Big ass birds and deer and elk and all kinds of weird shit.

[332] Crazy mountain rising.

[333] Like you're in the middle of Phoenix and you got this fucking giant cliffs sticking right up in the middle of the city.

[334] Great hiking.

[335] I did that one time.

[336] They have an influx of jaguars now.

[337] Oh, there's a Quad of Monday.

[338] Jaguars?

[339] Yes, they're moving in from Mexico.

[340] Look at that fucker.

[341] This thing says they make good pets too, apparently.

[342] Really?

[343] No. It says you can train them.

[344] Whoa.

[345] Pull those fucking teeth out first I'm pretty sure We saw one of those in Costa Rica And my daughters were calling it a kinketoo They made up a name for it But he was just hanging out Near this resort In Costa Rica Yeah Look at these little fuckers Just chilling Oh they got long tongues Oh they're ant eaters too I bet I bet they fucking eat everything Yeah I mean It's hard out there Look at him Just hopping up there Oh, my God, the guy's petting it.

[346] That is crazy.

[347] These are wild.

[348] Oh, okay, that's a resort.

[349] See, that's kind of like what I experienced in Costa Rica.

[350] These things would just come by and hang out.

[351] What a cool -looking fucking animal.

[352] Look at that guy's belly.

[353] The nachos in front of them.

[354] Yeah.

[355] South America, it's crazy how, like, if you've gone to South America.

[356] Have you ever gone to South America?

[357] No. Oh, yeah, Chile.

[358] The wildlife there is.

[359] just incredible.

[360] Costa Rica has all these different kinds of monkeys.

[361] Oh, no, we went to Costa Rica.

[362] They have howler monkeys and those other little smaller monkeys.

[363] Yeah, we had howler monkeys, right?

[364] There was like a one, because it's the rainforest.

[365] And we had a one mile like path that went around the house that we were renting.

[366] And you had these howler monkeys would go right above you.

[367] Yeah, scream.

[368] No fear.

[369] There was fucking dogs everywhere.

[370] We had like two dogs that just were, they must have come at the house.

[371] They were just there.

[372] And you feed them and they follow you everywhere.

[373] Oh, wow.

[374] And then you drive up and there's a, the black river, I think it's called, and it's right on the border of Nicaragua.

[375] And they've got those Caymans, you know, those little alligators?

[376] Yeah.

[377] And you take a boat through these, like, waterways.

[378] And I mean, it is filthy with Cayman.

[379] They're fucking everywhere.

[380] Wow.

[381] It was so scary.

[382] We were just, like, paddling through them.

[383] They have real crocodiles in Costa Rica.

[384] They have those big -ass crocodiles.

[385] Oh, did they?

[386] Yeah, we went on a tour.

[387] and they take you on a boat and they take you like pretty close to these things but I'm freaking the fuck out I'm like if one of my kids falls overboard they're dead and you're just on this little boat you know and these people are so relaxed about like safety and shit is so not Disneyland you know what part of Costa Rica did you go to do you go to the middle part like Lake Aranale with the volcano we went to a couple different spots but we went up to the rainforest and did the zip line oh yeah yeah which is a mile long and I'm like who fuck is checking this yeah who's making sure that this is the stability of this line is intact.

[388] Right.

[389] Right.

[390] Yeah.

[391] And they had this volcano that's in I forget they.

[392] Well, it's Lake Aronal is the area and they've got these this hot springs and there was like 14 pools that went up a hill and you could swim in each one and the bottom was like cold and the top one was so hot it was practically boiling.

[393] Whoa.

[394] So you could just kind of work your way up into each one and then And then this, you know, this woman comes up to me and she goes, you want a massage?

[395] And I was like, yeah.

[396] So we go out to this little, like, it's off to the side and there's like a little, there's sheets around a bed.

[397] And I'm laying there and I'm like, this is fucking great, you know.

[398] And then all of a sudden I hear my mother's voice and she had gotten solicited and she was getting a massage like six inches for me. And I'm stark naked getting rubbed by this beautiful Costa Rican woman.

[399] And I can hear my mother, who doesn't stop talking for the entire massage, for the thick Bronx accent.

[400] So how long you've been here for?

[401] You from here?

[402] That's a relaxation crusher.

[403] Yes.

[404] You just want to just melt into the rainforest and just get rubbed on.

[405] Just look down through that little horseshoe with your face in it and look at those little Costa Rican feet.

[406] Those brown, rounded little toes.

[407] You and the feet thing.

[408] Oh, that's so weird.

[409] Massages are fucking weird, man. Yeah.

[410] It's weird.

[411] I mean, it's obviously, there's a physical aspect to it.

[412] Like, you want your muscles to be manipulated because it's very good for them, and you get loose some kinks and a lot of, like, weird stuff that's knotted up.

[413] But there's also the pleasure aspect of it.

[414] Yeah, right.

[415] You know, it's pleasurable.

[416] Right.

[417] Like, it feels good to have someone touch you.

[418] Oh, my God.

[419] I mean, you're skinny.

[420] is your biggest organ and they talk about emotionally and psychically what it means to have skin to skin contact and for an hour somebody is devoting their skin to your skin i mean think about you have sex with your wife you're touching for you know 15 20 minutes one part of you little groping you cry but to have a sensual touch like that yeah for an hour yeah and also like the energy that you must get, like, when you're a person who's doing that all day, like you're putting out a lot of energy, and you're getting energy from those people.

[421] Yeah.

[422] Like, some people must feel weird.

[423] Yeah, I've talked to masseuse who say that they have to discharge energy after a massage.

[424] They do, and these are more like touchy -feely kind of masseuses.

[425] Crazy crystal people.

[426] Yeah, yeah.

[427] Yeah.

[428] That one that she would put crystals in my belly button.

[429] Oh.

[430] And then my arm would be down and she would hold my arm and tell me to raise my arm to see what the pressure was.

[431] And then she could tell by that which herbal remedies I needed for my allergies.

[432] Oh, Christ.

[433] Jesus Christ.

[434] There's so many of these people out there.

[435] So fucking crazy.

[436] And then it works and you're like, what the fuck?

[437] It worked?

[438] I guess you can believe anything.

[439] How did it work?

[440] She gave me allergies.

[441] these herbs because I was like just fucking sneezing nonstop and I stopped sneezing.

[442] Hmm.

[443] And you know with that, that, um, that, what do you go, homeopath?

[444] Mm -hmm.

[445] They take like a barrel of distilled water and then they'll put in like a mint leaf and like a couple other herbs.

[446] And then they just take the bottle and they fill it with that water.

[447] And that's, that's homeopathic remedy.

[448] Most of them are like that diluted.

[449] Yeah, a lot of it's bullshit.

[450] Like, I remember somebody gave me Arnica once.

[451] What's that?

[452] It's like some little, little pills.

[453] They're a little tiny, tiny little, almost little like little things that dissolve in your mouth.

[454] Oh, yeah, yeah, right.

[455] It tastes like sugar.

[456] Right.

[457] I go, this is sugar.

[458] And someone was like, no, there's sugar in it.

[459] I go, well, why is there sugar in it?

[460] It's supposed to be medicine.

[461] Sugar's not good for you.

[462] What the fuck is this?

[463] And it was homeopathic or some sort of homeopathic remedy.

[464] I'm like, okay.

[465] Do I have to believe this stuff works for it to work?

[466] Is it one of those things?

[467] Because that's a real thing.

[468] Right.

[469] You know?

[470] Well, what do you say to people who don't think that vitamins are helpful?

[471] Well, that's silly.

[472] There's a lot of studies that show that vitamins are healthy.

[473] But there's a lot of studies that say they're not.

[474] Yeah, not really.

[475] I mean, too much vitamins, excessive vitamins doesn't make any sense.

[476] But the studies that show that vitamins are beneficial, they're pretty specific.

[477] They're pretty specific in terms of, like, if you get your blood work done, right, for instance, and you are short, a lot of people are short.

[478] of vitamin D. Vitamin D is a big one.

[479] Vitamin B is also a big one.

[480] B, 12.

[481] Which is the one you get from the sun?

[482] That's D. That's D3.

[483] D3 is a good one too, and that one's good for muscle development and a lot of other functions.

[484] There's a lot of shit that vitamins are good for.

[485] Fish oil is fantastic.

[486] It's very good for reducing inflammation.

[487] There's a lot of supplements that are 100 % legit.

[488] But there's a lot of doctors that don't know anything about nutrition.

[489] It'll tell you, All you need is a balanced meal.

[490] Right.

[491] All you need is a balanced meal.

[492] Well, if you had a balanced meal, kind of, yeah.

[493] If you really made sure that you ate a certain portion of vegetables, green, leafy, dark vegetables that have a lot of vitamins, and if you made sure that you have the right amount of protein and fruit.

[494] Yeah, fruit, some fruit.

[495] You're not a big, you're not a proponent of eating too much fruit, right?

[496] It's a lot of sugar in it.

[497] Like juices, most juices are too high in sugar.

[498] Yeah.

[499] If you drink a big glass of orange juice, your body has a really hard time different.

[500] differentiating that between a big glass of soda or fucking high sea or some shit like that.

[501] It's like if it has 30 grams of sugar, it has 30 grams of sugar.

[502] I mean, that's what it is.

[503] It's 30 grams of sugar.

[504] Yeah.

[505] The fact that it's coming out of an orange, that's great.

[506] But you're not supposed to drink it like that.

[507] And the orange is supposed to be something you eat.

[508] Yeah.

[509] And when you eat it, you get all the fiber.

[510] Your body breaks it down slower.

[511] You're just getting this fucking main line of sugar right into your system.

[512] Right.

[513] I drink a glass of orange.

[514] Like if I go and I have breakfast with a big glass of orange juice, I fucking.

[515] crash hard like an hour later yeah it's a big old insulin dump well they just did as i just read yesterday that there's a study now that losing weight is not about caloric intake it's all about sugar and processed foods crazy yeah they say the amounts don't matter you can you can you can you can you can you can as long as you're eating the right shit well weight watchers have have completely changed the way they um recommend food like eggs are zero points now oh no shit Joey Diaz and Brian Redband, Brian Redband's on it, too.

[516] He was telling me that eggs are zero points.

[517] Wow.

[518] You could eat as many eggs as you want.

[519] You can eat five eggs.

[520] Yeah.

[521] People used to say, well, eggs, cholesterol and, whoa, it's terrible for you.

[522] Fats and all this.

[523] Nope.

[524] It's fucking great for you.

[525] Sorry, we lied.

[526] Forever.

[527] I was fucking reading them my kids a little while back.

[528] We had a Dr. Seuss book and had the food pyramid.

[529] And I go, this food pyramid's bullshit.

[530] Like, what is this?

[531] It's all fucking the bottom of it.

[532] It's all cereal.

[533] Yeah.

[534] It's all like cereal and bread.

[535] That's like the most important thing.

[536] What are you here?

[537] All the zero point foods on the new list.

[538] Boneless, skinless chicken breast.

[539] Boneless, skinless turkey breast.

[540] Ground lean chicken, ground lean turkey.

[541] Thin sliced deli chicken bread.

[542] So it's all fish and shellfish.

[543] Wow.

[544] Does not include smoked or dried fish.

[545] Huh.

[546] Why wouldn't it include smoked fish?

[547] That seems weird.

[548] canned fish that is packed in water or brined, i .e canned tuna?

[549] Tofu or smoke tofu.

[550] These are all like zero.

[551] Non -fat, plain, regular, and Greek yogurt.

[552] Non -fat ain't good for you.

[553] Non -fat anything is nonsense.

[554] Eggs, plain soy yogurt.

[555] Fresh, frozen, and canned beans and lentils that are packed without oil or sugar.

[556] Yeah, beans and lentils are huge.

[557] Yeah, if you could just eat all that stuff.

[558] Avocado's not on there.

[559] I guess it's got some fat in it.

[560] Well, it's got healthy fats.

[561] Right.

[562] Yeah.

[563] Avocado's unusual because it has, mostly unsaturated fats, but it has saturated fats, too.

[564] Yeah.

[565] It's really good for you.

[566] Avocados are a fucking wonderful food.

[567] Wonderful.

[568] I'm 155 pounds, but I had a fucking belly just because, you know, I was writing on crashing last year, and they would have, we'd have like five meals a day, muffins being handed out.

[569] And I put on six pounds, and it always in my belly.

[570] Just breads and processed shit.

[571] And so January 1st, I cut out all bread, all pasta, all sugar, and I've been working out like five days a week, and the belly just fucking disappear.

[572] Look at you.

[573] You seem like you got some pep in your step.

[574] A little bit.

[575] A little bit extra, right?

[576] Ritalin also helps.

[577] Oh, that does it.

[578] And a lot of coffee.

[579] Do you ever get your hormones checked?

[580] No. No?

[581] You probably should.

[582] See if the testosterone level's there?

[583] Yeah.

[584] You know, that's a major factor in depression.

[585] No shit.

[586] Major factor.

[587] Yeah.

[588] It's a major factor in people with...

[589] Head injuries.

[590] People that have come back from war that have been, you know, like a lot of IEDs, been around a lot of explosions, been jolted a lot.

[591] Football players, of course, boxers, MMA fighters.

[592] They lose testosterone as they get older.

[593] You get pituitary damage.

[594] Your pituitary gland apparently is incredibly sensitive.

[595] And some people get it that are jet skiers.

[596] They're into jet skiing because just the all that bouncing and head banging.

[597] Right.

[598] Head banging is fucking terrible for you.

[599] My son plays soccer, and he heads these, the goalie'll kick the ball all the way down the field, then I'll see him head it, and I'll be like, dude, just let it fucking bounce.

[600] Yeah, yeah.

[601] That's heavy impact.

[602] It is.

[603] And soccer players get it a lot.

[604] He got a concussion from heading against another guy once.

[605] He was out for like three weeks.

[606] They collided heads?

[607] Yeah.

[608] Oh, God.

[609] Yeah.

[610] Your fucking head is so hard.

[611] It's like running into another, like a rock, like a bone.

[612] Yeah.

[613] Someone could beat you to death with a head.

[614] And you're whipping your head.

[615] You're whipping your head at the balls.

[616] Yeah.

[617] Like both slamming into each other.

[618] Oh.

[619] Yeah.

[620] I played hockey my whole life, though, and never had any major.

[621] And well, my neck.

[622] I chipped a vertebrae in my neck.

[623] That was the only thing that happened.

[624] How'd you do that?

[625] I was small, but I was a good skater because I grew up near a lake.

[626] So we just skated back before global warming.

[627] That lake froze at Christmas and it went till March.

[628] We were out there every fucking day after school all weekend all we did was play ice hockey so when i got to high school um i was i was the only kid who could really skate backwards well so the coach was like you're on defense i'm like i'm a hundred and fifteen pounds so he taught me how to check instead of usually a check with your shoulder or your hip he taught me how to check guys under the chin with the top of my head which i which i got good at and then i did it one time and just click and it and it i got a i got an x -ray and They're like, yeah, that's chips.

[629] There's nothing we can do about it.

[630] And to this day, my tendons will get caught in my neck on that chip, and it'll just lock up.

[631] Like, once a year to lock up for a couple days, honey.

[632] Like the tendons rub against that area?

[633] I don't know if it's tendons or ligaments or whatever is right there around your vertebrae.

[634] Fucking necks, dude.

[635] Yeah.

[636] Terrible.

[637] It's such a terrible thing to injure.

[638] Are there good exercises for neck?

[639] Yeah, I have a thing called the iron neck.

[640] Have you ever heard of it?

[641] now.

[642] Oh, it's fucking amazing.

[643] It's out there.

[644] I'll show it to you after the show.

[645] It's a halo.

[646] I put it on my head, and then I pump it up with air, and the air locks it in place, and there's a giant bungee cord that's on the end of it, and I pull it back, and the bungee cord is a 50 -pound resistance, but they make it lower.

[647] They make, like, several different weights of bungee cords.

[648] You pull it back until it's, like, fully pulled, and then you can adjust the resistance on the halo itself, and so you do these, like, as you got to pull it back, you turn, like, and then I turn sideways, and I do, like, ten, reps this way, and then I'll do sideways that way, and then I'll turn all the way behind and face the opposite direction and do 10 reps that way.

[649] Wow, that's amazing.

[650] Yeah, and then you do Stevie Wonders where you do like this.

[651] Uh -huh.

[652] And you do a bunch of different exercises.

[653] Can you imagine getting a girl to suck your dick with that thing on?

[654] Like, she would wear it?

[655] She would wear it.

[656] Why would that be good?

[657] Because the cord would be in the way.

[658] You're not thinking of this, too.

[659] No, you run the cord between your legs.

[660] And then you put your penis in her mouth.

[661] Yeah, but your dick is going to rub up against.

[662] the court i don't understand why you want to do that that's the thing right there i see i got two of those i bought one from my house too i fucking love it wow i love it it's so for jiu jitsu it's so important my neck i'm sure fucked up in jiu jitsu yeah where i was um i was getting numb hands i had a bulging disc in my neck and i just i think a lot of it came down to my neck just getting just too much abuse and not being strong enough yeah you know so so i love that thing yeah that's why i've never done Jiu -Jitsu.

[663] I've wanted to, but I know my neck could get fucked up immediately.

[664] Everything gets fucked up, but it's fun.

[665] Yeah.

[666] It's awesome.

[667] It's like your body's not going to make it.

[668] Yeah.

[669] It's like how much abuse do you want to give it before it breaks totally?

[670] Right.

[671] It's a good question.

[672] Yeah.

[673] You know, I mean, Anthony Bourdain, that fucking savage, 58 years old starts doing jiu -jitsu.

[674] Start it.

[675] Started.

[676] No shit.

[677] Started.

[678] Wow.

[679] He loves it.

[680] He's a badass.

[681] He's a maniac.

[682] Has he been on the show?

[683] Yeah, long time ago.

[684] Yeah, so we always talk about doing it again, but But he travels so fucking much, man. And that guy's everywhere.

[685] I mean, literally everywhere.

[686] I love that show.

[687] When I'm on the road, sometimes CNN will run a marathon in his shows.

[688] I'll just sit there and watch everyone.

[689] Even when he's in the U .S., it's always interesting.

[690] He finds like he'll find like a pocket of Cajun people that have like a, you know, 78 people in the family and they make this special kind of jumbalaya.

[691] Yeah.

[692] Yeah, he's on, he's, he found his thing.

[693] Yeah.

[694] He really did find his thing.

[695] Was he a musician before?

[696] What did he do?

[697] He's a chef.

[698] Oh, he was a chef.

[699] Yeah, he's a chef, and he wrote a book called Kitchen Confidential.

[700] Yeah.

[701] And it was a really good book.

[702] And then after the book became successful, he started doing a show on the travel channel.

[703] I think it might even been called Kitchen Confidential.

[704] Then he did another show that was called No Reservations.

[705] And that's where I met him.

[706] I met him when he was still doing No Reservation.

[707] That's when he did.

[708] He did my show back when I used to do it in my house.

[709] And then I did his show.

[710] I did it recently too I did it recently in Montana we went pheasant hunting no shit yeah it was pretty cool oh wow yeah it was awesome did he ever running with drugs he was a serious heroin addict that's what I thought yeah yeah but he kicked the heroin and still drinks still drinks I know that's amazing yeah well he's I mean he figured out how to do it yeah but he works out every day yeah he trains every day I mean he brings his jiu jitzugi with him everywhere he goes he goes on the road like when we were in Montana he went to we were outside of Bozeman I think somewhere outside of Bozeman so he found a jiu -jitsu club in Bozeman and met them and just went there and trained with him during the day I was like you're a fucking animal he's just addicted to it he goes to like he was in Croatia you told me it was in like I forget where it was but some Asia type place some Serbia it's one of them fucking Albania like one of them crazy places and he said he was shitting out bone chips because these guys were just smashing them and I was like Dude, the fuck are you doing, man?

[711] They were old -schooled Carlson Gracie top control guys, and they just were fucking crushing him.

[712] He's like, dude, I'm shit and bone chips.

[713] I'm like, what are you doing yourself?

[714] That's amazing.

[715] But he's at an age where a lot of people would, they would back off.

[716] They would think, oh, my body's frail.

[717] I'm going to ride this off from the sunset.

[718] He's like, fuck you.

[719] Well, all exercise is really sublimating pain on some level.

[720] I mean, even a light jog, you are in pain.

[721] and so you don't have to do it I think you're doing it wrong oh I'm always in pain are you really I feel like when I jog I feel like I feel afraid I'm gonna die and I think when people see me jogging they think I'm running from something like I'm scared like that's the panic what hurts what hurts when you're run I think the neck settled into my back and I have slight scoliosis so and then my wrists and ankles for some reason about a year ago started to get sore like I can't do push -ups anymore I had to buy those those grips that you put on the ground because I couldn't I can't put my hands flat what part hurts the whole wrist the whole all the ligaments and the rest hurt hmm and they hurt does it an overuse thing like it hurt from no because it's both of them I don't know what I could have been doing with both of them have you tried doing it since you cut bread and everything out of your diet I think it probably is better it is better.

[722] I bet it is.

[723] Yeah.

[724] That's the first thing a therapist told me. Physical therapist, she got, not a mental therapist, like, cut bread out.

[725] Yeah.

[726] You got mental problems.

[727] Um, no, a physical therapist told me, she was like, you'd be surprised if you cut bread out of your diet.

[728] Just inflammation.

[729] Just inflammation.

[730] How much your back would feel better and your neck would feel better.

[731] Right.

[732] I thought it was 100 % horseshit.

[733] I was like, oh, this is like hippie chiropractor talk.

[734] Good luck.

[735] Yeah.

[736] And then I did it.

[737] And I was like, oh, like everything feels better.

[738] Yeah.

[739] Like, you don't realize But, like, that puffy feeling that you get in your face that I get, I get fat face if I, if I eat too much bread and pasta, I get, you know, you start getting a little gut.

[740] But that's also in your joints, man. That's everywhere.

[741] Everything's inflamed.

[742] It's all, like, not good.

[743] Your body's like, what is this shit?

[744] And how do we get rid of this?

[745] It's fucking hard on the road not to eat bread, though.

[746] It's so hard to find a meal that doesn't have bread.

[747] Unless you want to eat, like, you know, some salad from Starbucks.

[748] some uninspired salad that was made by somebody with a hairnet that was also making like stale stale tasting muffins they come out of the oven they're already stale tasting I was at a Starbucks recently and there was a plate out with you know they put the muffin pieces while you're waiting and so I eat more than I should you know you should probably just have one I think is the protocol and I have like three of them and this woman comes up and she goes why are you eating my muffin it was hers yes and I go I'm so sorry I go let me buy you another muffin and instead of going now I don't worry about she was like yeah so I bought her another muffin and she wasn't really like laughing about it or anything she was yeah that's hilarious yeah you were saying that I was like I don't know that they do that oh fuck yeah they were talking about coffee shops always do that but not Starbucks yeah but why was her muffin chopped up little pieces that seems weird too it was crummy it was you know kind of pulled apart crummy yeah okay seems weird have you ever um gone to cat's deli in new york sure remember when they they cut the pastrami for you yeah and the corn beef and they give you a little piece and you're like holy shit like while you're waiting they chop it up and slide it forward on a plate best bistrami in the city yeah we just looked it up the other day that place started out in the 1800s No shit.

[749] Yeah, Largo was a half a block away.

[750] So you stand up there and I always stop and get a pastrami sandwich.

[751] There was a Largo in New York?

[752] Oh, no, Luna Lounge.

[753] Oh, okay.

[754] Yeah, there's no place like that here except Cantors.

[755] Cantors is all right.

[756] You know, I find their pastramies just doesn't have that tenderness that you get.

[757] Second Avenue deli in New York.

[758] Never been.

[759] That's the best.

[760] That in Kansas is the best, yeah.

[761] Yeah, I think Canters is good.

[762] I think it's the best in L .A. I do, too.

[763] I just don't think it's that good.

[764] Well, he's just not going to...

[765] It's hard to get those immigrants to come all the way across and settle in and be successful out here and have, like, a real spot.

[766] Right.

[767] But there's a lot of Jewish people out here.

[768] You'd think there'd be more.

[769] Like, Jerry's Deli is good middle of the road.

[770] Yeah.

[771] They have good chicken noodle soup.

[772] Right.

[773] But they don't have...

[774] It's like there's a difference between a real Italian restaurant in New York.

[775] New York City and an Italian restaurant in Studio City.

[776] Yeah, right.

[777] They're just fucking different.

[778] There's just no getting around it.

[779] If you want to survive and you're like, I need it just to survive.

[780] You can have Linguine with Clams at some nice place to Studio City, but it won't be the same.

[781] Now, that place, Carmines, or Arturo's, it's a place on Mulberry Street that was the oldest Italian restaurant in Little Italy, and it just burned down.

[782] Dude, I remember when you lived in Little Italy in a mob -owned building.

[783] That's right.

[784] Yeah, Tony and Gladys were my landlords.

[785] That's right.

[786] And they had the apartment.

[787] They raised their kids there.

[788] Wow.

[789] And they were like in their late 70s.

[790] And so their son Gregory, who is in construction and lived in Brooklyn now.

[791] Air quotes, construction.

[792] Yeah, he was in construction.

[793] And so he bought them a condo around the corner because it was a six -floor walk -up.

[794] And so you can pull it up on the screen, 142 Mulberry Street.

[795] Explain to people that don't.

[796] know what that means.

[797] That means you walk up six flights of stairs.

[798] Yeah, like with couches and shit.

[799] Yeah, right, right.

[800] Well, all their furniture was there when I got there.

[801] They let me keep, and it was, I'm not making this up, plastic on the furniture.

[802] And I found, uh, I found, uh, an ease, a phone eavesdropping thing, like where you could record phone calls.

[803] What?

[804] In the drawer.

[805] And, um, they, I used to pay them the rent once a month, not by check.

[806] They wanted cash.

[807] And it was George McDonald live with me. And we would walk down this, and Lauren Dabroski, we'd walk down the street to Spring Street, go to their condo.

[808] And we'd give them, if it was $600, we'd give that to Gladys and Tony.

[809] Look at it right there.

[810] Yeah, there we go.

[811] And they would make cappuccinos and canollies.

[812] Wow.

[813] And we'd sit there and talk to them.

[814] And then Tony would go in the next room, and we'd give Gladys another 150 because that was her bingo money.

[815] And Tony don't need to know about that.

[816] Oh, that's right.

[817] That's right.

[818] I remember that.

[819] What happened to Lauren Dabrowski?

[820] she passed away cancer oh that's right yeah she ended up as a big executive producer at mad tv for like 10 years really yeah you know bobby lee she she sponsored a lot of people to get sober i mean you i know a half a dozen people that she sponsored to get sober bobby lee is one of them she was she was a comedy team with yeah a couple of broads i don't remember what their name was who was the i think it was called a couple of broads and who was the oh the other one with Because, oh, what was her name?

[821] Fuck.

[822] Rick Jenkins used to date her.

[823] Yes, and she ended up doing a film.

[824] She moved out to Hollywood to make it.

[825] And about a year and a half later, this softcore porn came out with her in it.

[826] And she had the sickest body.

[827] Smoking.

[828] And that was a VHS tape that got passed around that was...

[829] Greasy.