#1296 - Joe List

[0] To Joe List, ladies and gentlemen, Joe List!

[1] Oh, I'm already in.

[2] I'm already going.

[3] I want to do it like one of the morning DJ guys.

[4] I appreciate it.

[5] Hey, Joe, I hear you're in town for the funny fuck.

[6] I am.

[7] I'm doing the funny fuck this weekend tonight through Sunday.

[8] Excellent.

[9] Actually, you are working with me tonight.

[10] Yeah.

[11] We have two sold -out shows at the Hollywood Improv.

[12] I appreciate it.

[13] I'm excited to share.

[14] It's going to be fun.

[15] It's going to be The Machine, Bert Kreischer.

[16] I love Bert.

[17] And Cheeto Santino, Andrew Santino.

[18] You know Andrew?

[19] I know, I know Andrew, but I don't know if I don't know them personally.

[20] You just know of him.

[21] He's hilarious.

[22] Yeah.

[23] Yeah, it should be a good old fucking time.

[24] Yeah, I'm excited.

[25] Thanks for having me. My pleasure.

[26] How long are you town for?

[27] I leave tomorrow morning.

[28] I got here on Sunday.

[29] I got here Saturday, actually.

[30] I stayed down Manhattan Beach.

[31] Oh, what are you doing?

[32] Posh, hanging out with the people by the beach.

[33] It was night.

[34] I was down the airport.

[35] My wife is here.

[36] And I said, let's go down in Manhattan Beach for lunch.

[37] And we were enjoying ourselves.

[38] So we got a hotel and made love and walked on the beach.

[39] Whoa, you made love.

[40] Yeah.

[41] You must really love her if you made love.

[42] I do.

[43] I went to a party once in Manhattan Beach, and the guy collected toasters.

[44] And I was like, what is this?

[45] And he was like, oh, I just collect toasters.

[46] I'm like, okay, from all different time periods.

[47] Like, he had an ancient toaster from, like, the 50s with all this patina on it.

[48] And then he had modern toasters.

[49] But I think he was trying too hard.

[50] You know, some dudes that just wear bowling shoes and shit.

[51] They just try too hard.

[52] be wacky.

[53] Yeah, was he like a hipster?

[54] Was it like an old sage?

[55] He was a guy who was trying to fuck my girlfriend.

[56] Oh.

[57] And she wanted to go to this party.

[58] So I was like, all right.

[59] Wow.

[60] I think she was an actress and I think he was in the movie business.

[61] Imagine getting cucked by a toaster collector.

[62] Yeah.

[63] Yeah, almost did.

[64] Well, it wasn't, it was one of them squirrely deals where she was like, said, I'm so not interested in him.

[65] I just want to go to this party for networking.

[66] I was a young lad.

[67] I had just moved to Hollywood.

[68] It did not know the ways.

[69] of this goofy fucking town yet I hadn't I hadn't exercised myself from Hollywood in particular I was still doing the thing acting going on auditions and shit so it was like when you first get here you're like what is this especially in the 90s it was super squirrely because everybody was trying to get a development deal and everybody was trying to get a sitcom and they kind of like let you think that that was the only way you have to get a sitcom you want to be like Roseanne don't you want to be like Tim Allen what about Seinfeld he got a sitcom?

[70] You should get a sitcom.

[71] Damn, I want to get a sitcom.

[72] And so everybody was out here just trying to do the acting thing.

[73] I did it for a while.

[74] And after a while, you're like, these people are not worth it.

[75] But you did get a sitcom, right?

[76] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[77] I got a couple of them.

[78] I was on a couple of them.

[79] It seems like fun.

[80] It's fun.

[81] Stand -ups more fun.

[82] Yeah, it's not something I'd be interested in doing, but...

[83] If you could do a sitcom with all stand -ups, that would be the shit.

[84] That would be the shit.

[85] Like, if you could do a sitcom with really good writers who are cool, And all the people on the show were stand -ups, that would be fucking monstrous.

[86] But it's not usually like that.

[87] No. And it seems very, what do you call it?

[88] Corporate and you've got to do this and this and a lot of rules and stuff.

[89] It seems like podcasts are.

[90] Well, they're trying to make money, you know, and they can't make money if people do things and get people in trouble.

[91] They say things and get people angry or someone calls up human resources.

[92] And Joe List was talking about his dick.

[93] Yeah.

[94] The craft service lady heard it.

[95] And now there's a lawsuit.

[96] I think with podcasts now, most of us comedians with podcasts have no chance of getting any corporate job.

[97] I don't think that's true.

[98] Really?

[99] I get offered shit all the time.

[100] I think that we don't need it, though.

[101] I think it's, it actually will get in the way.

[102] Have you ever written on a sitcom?

[103] No. Written on anything?

[104] No. When you write, there's a trap that comics fall into that are good writers.

[105] They get this sitcom writing gig, and it's a sweet gig.

[106] You get paid thousands of dollars a week.

[107] your bills are covered so you feel good but you're never going on the road you're in town all the time you're just doing sets around town so you're pretending that you're still a comic right but you're really a sitcom writer who kind of like has a hobby of doing stand -up and you never develop on the road and there's a bunch of guys do you know owen smith uh that's another guy I don't know I've met him a couple of times fucking hilarious yeah one of the best comics in the world and he's just been spending so many years doing these sitcoms like I saw him one night at the comic store I'm like, how the fuck is this guy not gigantic?

[108] How does he not have a Netflix hour that everyone's talking about?

[109] How is it everybody not trying to book him places?

[110] It's just because he's been doing this sitcom writer thing.

[111] He's trying to break out of that now, though.

[112] Tommy Johnigan's another guy.

[113] You know Tommy Johnigan?

[114] I've heard of him.

[115] He's one of the best comedians I think there is.

[116] He's a writer.

[117] But he's been writing on a TV show.

[118] But he's happy.

[119] He likes he's got two kids and it keeps him off the road.

[120] But to me it's a bummer as a comedy fan because I'm like I want to see that new hour.

[121] But he's still, I think he still works a little bit.

[122] Yeah, Mitch Hedberg had a really funny bit about that, about how comedy, like when you're a comedian's the only job or someone asks you to do another job.

[123] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[124] There was somebody, when I first moved to New York, there was a guy that was like, do you do any writing?

[125] And I was like, well, I did all that writing.

[126] I wrote all that.

[127] But that's why I never liked writing other than stand -up, because stand -up, I can write all day and then go do it that night.

[128] Whereas when I'm writing like a movie or a TV show, I'm like, ah, I'm wasting my, this isn't going to get made.

[129] Which is not, my therapist says that's not the way, that's not what should inspire you to write.

[130] You should be writing because it's a way to express yourself.

[131] Your therapist is right.

[132] But then again, if you are writing something and nothing happens out, it is fucking stupid.

[133] It feels, it feels wasteful.

[134] It could be writing jokes that I do on stage.

[135] Yeah, you just get into that sort of thing where you're just like, what am I doing here?

[136] And then it steals your thunder.

[137] Yeah, I feel that way all the time, unrelated to comedy.

[138] Just life.

[139] Yeah, what am I doing here?

[140] You write, right, you sit down and write.

[141] A little bit, yeah, I try to.

[142] But a lot of times, a lot of times I'll start writing and then I end up just...

[143] Jerking off.

[144] Jerking off.

[145] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[146] Although I do that less than I used to.

[147] Well, Louis said that he had, he kept his, he had one laptop that could not connect to the internet.

[148] He had it...

[149] Yeah.

[150] Yeah, yeah, he still does that.

[151] But if you do that, like, what if you want to Google something while you're writing?

[152] Well, I do that a lot, and I'll use it as an excuse.

[153] I'll be writing, and then I'm like, what's the origin?

[154] Let me Google that.

[155] for research and then before you know what I'm just going through Instagram and I'm jerking off.

[156] Yeah, exactly.

[157] Yeah, you got to have discipline.

[158] That's all.

[159] I give myself an hour.

[160] I have one hour that I have to write.

[161] And then if I enjoy it, I keep going.

[162] But for one hour, there is nothing going on but writing.

[163] See, that's ambitious.

[164] I have to go literally, I'm not even joking.

[165] Like 10 minutes.

[166] I'm like, let me do 10 minutes.

[167] And usually I'll go a little longer because I'm like, all right, all right.

[168] But now I'll do like 30 minutes.

[169] Then I'm like, then you can treat yourself.

[170] I'm a child.

[171] I am too.

[172] but I found that I mean obviously we came in here we were me and Jeff were embroiled in a quake death match yeah yeah and we wouldn't stop to say hi I said hi briefly I appreciate I felt bad I felt like I walked in and you fucking you were a little early well I got here early and I was gonna I'm always compulsively early everywhere I spend a lot of time just doing laps around places because I have so much anxiety but I parked and I was like I'll just sit in my car for 10 minutes and then a big guy came out and was just looking at me and so then I was like I think this must mean I have to get out of the car.

[173] Yeah he's armed so I got out oh is he oh great of course oh I'm terrified but yeah so I got here early I was on camera but I would have showed up right it yeah it doesn't matter all right we shouldn't have snuck in that extra game it's just we get the problem is you play one game and then it gets gone like we play for a half hour play to 100 points 100 deaths and then it gets intense and then one guy beats the other guy, gives him a drubbing, then the other guy wants revenge, and then you have to play that second match.

[174] Yeah, it's addictive.

[175] Then you start off your day with two ass kickings.

[176] It's like jerking off.

[177] A hundred deaths.

[178] Yeah, if you start off your day with two jerk -off sessions, like, man, I have a lot of catching up to do if I want to make this a productive day.

[179] Are you still jerking off a lot?

[180] Of course.

[181] I feel like I don't jerk off that much anymore.

[182] Well, I have a wife and we have sex, but even when she's not away.

[183] When she's away, then you jerk off?

[184] I'll jerk off a little bit, but I have less than I used to.

[185] Is something wrong with me?

[186] I can still get my vagina hard, but I'm just not I'm not as interested.

[187] Nothing wrong with that, man. But when I'm with her, I'm very interested.

[188] Yeah, yes, yes, I get it, but in your free time, you've got other shit on your mind.

[189] Yes.

[190] You're focused.

[191] I am focused on about 5 ,000 things at once.

[192] Yeah, me too.

[193] Well, in the world of being a comedian.

[194] Yeah, that's a lot.

[195] Yeah, it's, Louis's is a good idea on paper to like not not have anything connected to the internet well he is this I think about doing this now he has two phones like a flip phone that like 12 people have the number and then he's like a smartphone that he'll leave behind so like his kids can call him or his you know mother or whatever uh I'm one of the 12 but like you someone can get in touch with him and you can call 911 but there's no Twitter Instagram whatever so that's like a decent idea is two phones because I'm fucked up with but then you know obviously you're friends with Ari he has the flip phone that's it Louis has a flip phone but what sucks is when you're hanging out with these people they still need the shit so they end up using your phone exactly like I'll go hiking with Ari whatever a trip and he's like pull up your Google Maps can I use your phone and they just has my phone how about have some discipline Ari yeah and a real phone I don't want anyone to have my fun it's not like I don't have crazy porn or whatever touch my phone I don't like people holding my phone that's like someone wearing your underwear yeah Yes, it's worse.

[196] Hey, can I borrow your underwear?

[197] What?

[198] You can eat, you can take my underwear?

[199] Can you just go raw dog?

[200] She just put pants on?

[201] Yeah.

[202] Do you have to have underwear?

[203] It's weird.

[204] You don't need underwear.

[205] You do.

[206] I like, I sprinkle a lot of tinkle.

[207] Yeah, but if you have a good pair of underwear, it's better.

[208] Then like, if you wear in jeans and shit and your dicks rub it against your zipper, that's annoying.

[209] Yeah, that's no good.

[210] Good point.

[211] You need underwear.

[212] I take it back.

[213] I want to walk back my underwear.

[214] I just need some discipline.

[215] Just need some goddamn discipline.

[216] He's such a child.

[217] He does, but I understand addiction and stuff.

[218] It's difficult.

[219] Because I have it where I'm like, just don't look.

[220] Yeah.

[221] But I'm obsessed with my phone, too.

[222] Well, I am too.

[223] But I'm not as bad as I used to be.

[224] But Ari, he realizes it.

[225] He's like, he's not a loser.

[226] He's a winner.

[227] Like, he figures shit out.

[228] He's like, all right, I have a fucking problem.

[229] And I'm not getting better at this.

[230] So I'm just going to get rid of it.

[231] I'm just going to get this fucking stupid flip phone that I could barely text on.

[232] Like, whenever he texts me, it's like, miracle.

[233] I'm like, what are you doing here with this caveman phone?

[234] Yeah.

[235] Is this a text message from this stupid fucking phone?

[236] And then you have to keep it short because you can't send like a long thing because it comes in like three pages and out of order.

[237] So it's like, anyways, I'm gay now.

[238] And then it's like, hey, I just met.

[239] It's all fucked up.

[240] Yeah, it sucks.

[241] But maybe I'm thinking about doing it myself.

[242] Well, they're getting crazier.

[243] Now they're having these folding phones that blow out to like 10 inches.

[244] Have you seen these goddamn things?

[245] No. Well, Samsung released it, but then they took it back because it started breaking.

[246] But it's a, it looks like a regular smartphone, but it's fat.

[247] And the reason why it's fat is you can open it up, and it becomes a giant smartphone.

[248] Oh, that seems kind of nice.

[249] It's pretty nice if you need an iPad everywhere you go.

[250] Right.

[251] But do you?

[252] No. I use my phone also as like a computer.

[253] I barely use my computer.

[254] I just write emails and shit on my phone.

[255] Yeah, I write very few emails on my phone.

[256] I try, I'm trying to limit my hour on the phone to one hour, one hour for the whole day, one hour of screen time.

[257] Yeah, that's, uh, it's doable.

[258] Yeah, well, I forced it on my kid, so I'm like, okay, if she gets an hour of screen time, I should get an hour of screen time.

[259] Right, but you're also running a business.

[260] That's true.

[261] You have a team.

[262] But I'm also irresponsible.

[263] Right.

[264] Yeah.

[265] I have other people that pick up the slack.

[266] It's a full -on addiction, though.

[267] It's fucked up.

[268] Like, I'll go on a plane, I'll fly across the country.

[269] I'm on airplane mode.

[270] You can't even use it, and I'll find myself just looking at photos just because I want the dopamine, where the fuck it is, of just holding and moving my phone.

[271] Yeah.

[272] It's really a problem.

[273] It is a problem, and I'm actually, I've been doing a bit about it, about the real problem is what's next.

[274] The real problem is where does it go from here?

[275] Because it's got, you hook just looking at photos and text.

[276] Well, I mean, I walked in, you couldn't say hello and you were crying playing the game called Quake.

[277] So that might be the next step.

[278] There's something about staring at that screen when you get really intense.

[279] Your eyes start watering.

[280] I swear to God, I wasn't emotional.

[281] No, I thought your parents passed away as I pulled in.

[282] Yeah, I leave here.

[283] I feel like a freak.

[284] First of all, sometimes when we leave, we'll have these battles that'll go like two hours.

[285] And then when I leave, my fucking heart's pounding, my adrenaline's rush, and I'm like, see you later, man, bye.

[286] And we leave and we're like, what the fuck?

[287] And I'm driving home.

[288] It's like literally like I just had a fight.

[289] Like, you don't have a fight with somebody.

[290] Wow.

[291] I don't have that.

[292] Yeah, it's, it's a very, very bad addiction.

[293] But it's really fun, too.

[294] So part of me is like, I'm enjoying the shit out of this.

[295] It's really fun to play.

[296] I think that's the case, just enjoy it.

[297] You've got to enjoy whatever decision you're making.

[298] This is, again, my therapist tells me. That's what your therapist tells me?

[299] Yeah, well, I'm dealing, I have like a horrible diet my whole life.

[300] What do you eat?

[301] Well, now I've changed.

[302] I'm going through a bit of a medical situation right now.

[303] I have AIDS.

[304] Joe, I came here to say.

[305] What kind of AIDS?

[306] The good kind?

[307] You're the good kind.

[308] Yeah, yeah, the kind of the fun.

[309] The fun, you lose a little weight, whatever.

[310] But it makes you whimsical.

[311] Yeah, I feel good.

[312] I can play basketball now.

[313] Like the Flintstones.

[314] Like gay old time.

[315] Did they have AIDS?

[316] Yeah.

[317] They all did.

[318] That's why they're not here anymore.

[319] Um, what was I going to say?

[320] I got caught up on Flintstone.

[321] Oh, so I have this thing called silent reflux.

[322] Have you ever heard of this?

[323] No. It's acid reflux, but they call it silent because there's no heartburn.

[324] It's different than GERD.

[325] It just goes straight up into your, like, vocal cords into your throat.

[326] So it's, like, fucking up my shit.

[327] Oh, no. And I wake up with, like, a cough, and it's, like, into my, they're calling it respiratory reflex now, where it's, like, it's almost, like, asthma, sinus shit.

[328] And it's diet related?

[329] Yeah, well, I ate exclusively, I drink Coke, like, three or four Cokes a day, exclusively, like, a large pizza, extra marinera, chicken parm, extra marinerara, chip, chocolate chip cookies.

[330] You eat garbage.

[331] I ate like a garbage child.

[332] I'm a garbage child.

[333] A grown -up baby.

[334] Yeah.

[335] So I just ate exclusively that.

[336] I was in therapy.

[337] But I knew I was like, I'm fucking myself up.

[338] I'm going to die.

[339] I'm going to get cancer and die.

[340] And my therapist is like, just at least accept your decision.

[341] Enjoy eating shit.

[342] Yeah.

[343] He's like, you're eating shit and not even enjoying it.

[344] So what's the point?

[345] And he's like, accepting it would actually probably help you to eat healthier.

[346] And I was like, good point.

[347] I'll just start.

[348] enjoying it, and that lasted 10 days, and that's when the reflux started, and I had to completely change my diet.

[349] So I should have had that conversation 25 years earlier.

[350] So now I just ate like shit without enjoying it, and now I'm refluxing.

[351] And I can't eat any of that.

[352] I had to cut out everything.

[353] So what did they tell you to eat now?

[354] Do you have to cut out dairy?

[355] What do you cut now?

[356] Well, I'm going back to the doctor on Thursday.

[357] Then I'm seeing a specialist who, like, coined the phrase.

[358] It's like a thousand bucks for a consultation.

[359] But at this point, I'm like, I'm losing my mind.

[360] How crazy is that?

[361] A doctor can charge $1 ,000, just talk to you.

[362] Well, the first doctor I went to was an E &T, and they do a thing, which I think is fucked up.

[363] They're like, I'm like, I'm paying, I don't have insurance, I'm paying out of pocket.

[364] And they're like, oh, it's a 20 % discount if you're paying out of pocket.

[365] Like, I'm at a record store.

[366] Like, they're like, we give you a discount if you pay up front.

[367] And I'm like, all right, that seems bizarre.

[368] It's like my well -being.

[369] That seems like something that's someone who deals with drug dealers, guys come in with bull.

[370] it wounds.

[371] You got cash?

[372] 20 % off.

[373] It's a little strange.

[374] Well, I rolled up my money and put a rubber band around it and handed it to them.

[375] We always like to think that doctors are, there's something special about them.

[376] You know, they're beyond reproach.

[377] They're above and beyond.

[378] But I was reading this book called Dead Doctors Don't Lie.

[379] It's by this guy, Joel Wallach.

[380] And it's all about mineral deficiencies and how many people have mineral deficiencies and how little doctors actually know about nutrition and how so many.

[381] doctors are not only unhealthy but have at least back when he wrote this book have easy access to prescription medicine and they're just overdosing right and they're just fucking cooking themselves with coke right yeah I'm trying to do like an organic he thing so I started eating all these salads and oatmeal and salmon is that helping no well I feel bad I've lost weight I'm thin I'm taking huge like green baby leg shits like insane like the S with the it feels good right yeah yeah it feels amazing comes flying out and I feel light and I'm a little more defined that's good um but my throat is still all fucked up but I've heard it takes months and I'm like maybe my body's repairing and it just doesn't it takes time to whatever so what specifically they tell you to get off of well first when I first went there it was like the end of the day like I started having like a fucking panic attack because it's like white shit coming down my throat um not the first time that's happened folks Whant Come I get it All right So I went I ran in there And I was like Can I get to see a doctor today I'm losing my mind And they were like We can squeeze in an appointment And I think when you show up Right before they close With no health insurance The guy kind of looked And went Oh yeah that's silent reflux And then they print out A piece of paper from like WebMD Which is amazing to me They just print shit out That I could have Googled And he's like Try to cut out the spicy food take Prylosec and whatever.

[382] So he made it seem like it was no big deal.

[383] Spicy foods.

[384] Yeah.

[385] That's interesting that they would tell you to cut that out.

[386] Like what...

[387] What is...

[388] Did they say what is actually causing?

[389] Like, what is the mechanism?

[390] Like, what's forcing this reaction?

[391] Well, I think what happens is...

[392] It has something to do with your esophageal sphincter.

[393] Whoa.

[394] Which is...

[395] I didn't know I had one.

[396] Yeah, you do.

[397] I guess it's at, like, I've read so much of the...

[398] shit just like your stomach g spot when you're sucking dicks yeah yeah it gets down in there right i feel like that would be deep in there so it opens up and there's supposed to be some acid that comes up but i got too much acid i guess it fluxes and then it it refluxes but my i think what happens is it gets so fucked up from diet that it becomes um compromise so it doesn't matter what i eat it's just open like a like a fucking like a blown out asshole like a loose asses Yeah.

[399] So, and that's from just all the acid hitting it over and over and over again.

[400] Yeah, so I got into this.

[401] There's a woman named Dr. Kaufman.

[402] I forget her first name.

[403] But she actually is in New York.

[404] That's who I'm going to see for a thousand bucks.

[405] But she, like, coined the phrase and wrote all these books and stuff and says you can fix it through diet.

[406] But I've been taking, like, a ton of prylosec and shit.

[407] And I don't know what's helping, like, how much worse it would be if I wasn't taking that.

[408] But then when you get off of that, there's a thing called.

[409] rebound reflux where it just comes back fucking gangbusters.

[410] Oh, no. So I'm all...

[411] Like people that take Xanax.

[412] Yeah, I used to take Xanax years ago.

[413] I've never taken it, but they said that when you get off of it, then you get super anxious.

[414] Hmm, I don't remember that.

[415] I only took it if I was like having a panic attack, whatever, but I took Paxil for a long time.

[416] And then I couldn't come on that.

[417] Whoa.

[418] Yeah, I heard about that.

[419] Yeah, it's unpleasant.

[420] You and Mike Tyson at the same problem.

[421] Oh, can he not come?

[422] Couldn't when he was on the Paxil.

[423] We're very similar guys.

[424] Real similar.

[425] A lot of comments.

[426] Similar in your backgrounds.

[427] Yeah, yeah.

[428] Yeah, I used to.

[429] Play with pigeons.

[430] I shouldn't say play with.

[431] Is he listening?

[432] This is what's terrifying about this show.

[433] He's a good guy.

[434] He's super friendly.

[435] He's like a giant bear that's like your friend.

[436] Yeah, I'd like to.

[437] He's like really sweet guy, but you are very aware when you're around him that he is not you.

[438] Like this is a complete, this is an elite super athlete.

[439] from the Hall of Fame.

[440] You know what I mean?

[441] He's Mike motherfucking Tyson.

[442] And even though he doesn't even hardly work out anymore, like even when you shake his hand, it's like holding onto a brick.

[443] It's like his whole body is like he's like five feet wide.

[444] Yeah, I imagine if you work, I don't know, you probably know more about this than I do.

[445] If you work out enough for long enough and then you stop, I imagine you're going to have a base.

[446] You definitely have a base.

[447] Like I, like when I was a kid or when I was younger, I ran, I was a distance runner, and I stopped running distance.

[448] But I feel like now I could go run five miles because I used to.

[449] Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.

[450] I feel similarly like Mike Tyson could beat me up probably.

[451] Oh, yeah.

[452] Yeah, he would kill you.

[453] You don't know that well.

[454] It's true.

[455] I don't know.

[456] You might have some skills.

[457] My friend, C .T. Fletcher, he actually had a heart surgery, heart transplant one year ago.

[458] And he hasn't been able to do much of anything other than like very light exercise.

[459] Like he's just trying to like build his body back up.

[460] He used to be a world champion powerlifter, and even though he hasn't worked out, like really worked out and probably like a year and a half, he still has giant arms.

[461] He's still huge.

[462] Yeah, I...

[463] You keep a lot of it.

[464] He could probably beat me up also, you think?

[465] He can't move that much.

[466] Okay.

[467] Because of the heart, you know, he's on a bunch of pills and stuff, but if he got a hold, he'd be fucked.

[468] Yeah.

[469] He's got, his arms are like double mine.

[470] Oh, wow.

[471] Two of my arms on top of it.

[472] That's a big arm.

[473] He was an enormous man at one time.

[474] Wow.

[475] He's basically my height, maybe an inch, he's probably like 5 '9, maybe an inch taller than me, and he weighed three, what do you say, 320 at one point?

[476] 320 pounds.

[477] Wow.

[478] Is the picture of him, it's so ridiculous.

[479] Like, you can't believe that a human could stack that much meat onto your skeleton.

[480] Yeah, I wonder that.

[481] If I just started really lifting, lifting, because I'm like, I can't eat healthy foods.

[482] I mean, I can't eat shitty foods anymore and I don't drink and I don't do drugs.

[483] I'm like, maybe I could get into exercise.

[484] Like, how big could I get?

[485] Can I get fucking...

[486] You can get big?

[487] Yeah.

[488] I mean, you definitely get bigger.

[489] It's urinectomorph, which means you're tall and lean.

[490] And tall is one of the reasons why, even though you were on that terrible diet, you're not built like Ralphie Mae or something like that, you know what I mean?

[491] Like some people just have bodies that just, they can absorb a lot of sugar and a lot of bullshit.

[492] And your body obviously can do that.

[493] Yeah.

[494] That's C .T. Fletcher when he was 320 pounds.

[495] Yeah.

[496] The fucking size of his arms.

[497] That's so ridiculous.

[498] Yeah, that's goofy.

[499] It's so huge.

[500] What the fuck Those are ridiculous Do you know Remember the fighter Vinnie Pazienza?

[501] Sure He's from Rhode Island And I was working The Providence Comedy Connection years ago And he was at the show We kind of met And then he was drinking a little bit And then after the show We were all at the bar And I think he was like Kind of fucking around He's like Ah the comedian I'm gonna come over there And kick that comedian's ass He was kind of like I think he was fucking with me Or whatever But I was like terrified I'm a terrified I'm a terrified Human anyways And he's like Yeah I want to come on there and beat his and then his girl that he was with was kind of like Vinnie, no!

[502] And she was like kind of looked nervous where I was like, wait, is this something, is this like a real thing?

[503] And like everyone there was like, ah, no, he's fucking with you.

[504] And then I was like, telling the story later to like my fan, my uncle.

[505] And he's like, ah, he's drunk.

[506] You're fucking, you'll be fine.

[507] What?

[508] I was like, what do you mean?

[509] He's like, ah, he's older, he's drunk.

[510] Oh my God.

[511] And I'm like, at what point of me hitting Vinnie Pazienza do you think he'd be like, all right, All right, I'm sorry Like, there's no amount of like Ah, he's a little older, he's had a couple cocktails Uncle's are terrible for advice Because they're not their kid So like, ah, you figure it out They give you like really abbreviated, shitty advice Yeah, it's like a nice idea That I'd be like, you'll be able to handle I'm like, no, no, I think he would win He's the fucking champion of the world At beating people up Yeah, he was a bad motherfucker Yeah, it'd be a real problem for you Yeah, I wouldn't have fared well uncles they're terrible with advice uncles are always buying you beer when you're too young they're always showing you things you shouldn't see yeah it's fun to be one yeah I'm an uncle yeah me too do you plan on shooting loads into the misses and having a real person no I plan on shooting loads into her but I don't think so my wife's a comedian as well and uh she doesn't want I'm a kid no we're a little old I mean she's old and I'm 37 she's 41 and uh someone's career has to be sacrificed quite a bit, I think, to have a kid.

[512] That's one way to look at it, yeah.

[513] And, like, as right now, which it could change any time, I'm making more money on the road.

[514] Like, that's the majority of our money.

[515] So it'd have to be like, I got to keep going on the road.

[516] Right.

[517] So, and then we're in New York, and, you know, it's hard to have a child.

[518] Yeah.

[519] They're very expensive.

[520] As you know.

[521] They're very expensive, and New York is a weird place to raise a child.

[522] It's just weird.

[523] I have friends who raise their kids in New York, and they're like, we love it.

[524] the kids love it we let them go wander around the streets do they have they go to like private school and shit because I feel like no they go to public the idea of like your nine year old on the subway is terrified again like with anxiety right yeah every moment I'd be like my kid is getting abducted right now but you never know like you could get a subway where everybody's cool or you could get a subway where there's a crazy person you're trapped in a tube with a crazy person yeah it's one of the more interesting things about rolling the dice through the New York City Subway is that you're just entering into a closed environment where you cannot escape for a prolonged period of time with people that you don't know.

[525] And most people are cool.

[526] Yeah.

[527] Most people just want to get to their job or their house or wherever they're going.

[528] But every now and then, like I met a dude.

[529] Do you remember there was a knife attack on a subway where a guy had killed a couple of people and cut one guy up and the guy disarmed him from some moves that he learned in the ultimate fighting championship watching it on TV?

[530] no yeah I'm mad at me it's just giant cuts on his head was really intense man yeah I would not I would not do well I would just be like yeah this cut me up I hate myself well I guess when you're when you're in that sort of life or death situation it's just becomes your survival mode kicks in like you don't even you don't even know what you're doing right I've talked to people that have been attacked by animals and they say that it's just you don't you can't even you can't even imagine how reptilian your reaction is right you're there's no rational thinking at all it's like 100 % just uh DNA firing the switches for you wow yeah I was on the uh subway uh a couple years ago and I was like it was empty I was on the back of the train and there was like it was just me sitting there and then there was like a guy sleeping on the other end like he was passed out or whatever and then uh there's like six hooligan like young teenager like they were acting all crazy and they got on the train on that end of the train and they were like spitting on the guy and they were like wake up they were screaming but the guy was like he was obviously drunk whatever and they were like hawk and lugies on him and stuff and like jumping up and so i was just looking at my phone because it was like a it was a bad situation unpleasant and then they kind of turned and focused towards me and they were like hey you fucking faggot look up look up from your phone and then I just didn't I kept ignoring them and then one guy was like I'm gonna kill you if you don't look over here and then the other guy was like I'll kill you if you keep looking at your phone and I was like shitting my pants and this is between Queensborough Plaza and Lexington Avenue which is a pretty long underground station it was like doing the thing where it was like delayed so it was probably like realistically it was like four or five minutes but I was like shitting my pants and there's six of them they were probably like early 20s late teens I have no fighting training or no weapon where I was like This is a bad situation Like six people You're like I'm not gonna I have no Six people's a problem Six people is a problem I appreciate you saying it because a lot of people are like I would have busted up the biggest guy Whatever the fuck and you're like dude Tangle of arms and legs Six people's a real problem The only thing that would save you though Is that you're in a subway And by that is They're not going to surround you Right if you just put your back to the wall Right Six people As they come towards you you they have to kind of come towards you almost single file i suppose so yeah there's not a lot of room you can get like two at a time but you could crack one and if you crack one most of them start panicking most people don't know how to fight right smash one guy's face in and he goes unconscious and then the other guys are there and you start moving in on them they have this anxiety attack they start freaking unless they know how to fight and i doubt they do because people who know how to fight They don't do things like that.

[531] Right.

[532] It's very, very rarely do you run into thugs that actually know how to fight.

[533] But that's the problem is most people know how to fight.

[534] I'm one of those most of the people.

[535] So the smashing and the fade.

[536] I mean, I know how to throw a punch.

[537] But I'm saying even for anybody, even for a trained fighter, if you're in a subway with six guys, it's not good.

[538] Yeah, yeah.

[539] Even if you really know how to fight.

[540] If you're like a world champion, you've got to go, God damn it.

[541] Because you could always break your hand with the first punch.

[542] That shit happens all the time.

[543] Yeah, it was unpleasant.

[544] I would say, but that can happen.

[545] I mean, after that, I was like, maybe I shouldn't get on the last train, at least give yourself a chance to go one.

[546] It was early.

[547] I was on my way to this show in the city.

[548] It was like 8 o 'clock, 7 .30, but...

[549] Jesus Christ.

[550] I mean, I don't think they were leaving dry.

[551] I think they were just...

[552] Assholes.

[553] Yeah, just being wild or whatever.

[554] Wilden, I think, is the term.

[555] Were the Italian?

[556] They were not.

[557] They were of Latino descent.

[558] Uh -huh.

[559] Racist.

[560] Uh, I am describing with I think a very PC.

[561] No, the way you said it, it was clear.

[562] You're demeaning.

[563] I think Latino is good.

[564] Or is it Hispanic.

[565] I think Hispanic is bad because it's in reference directly to Spanish.

[566] So Latino is better.

[567] But that could be in reference to Latin America.

[568] I'm tired of that.

[569] That's all.

[570] They can suck my dick.

[571] I'm tired of it.

[572] I really am.

[573] Fuck you, Latinos.

[574] I'm just trying to figure out what your name is.

[575] All right?

[576] Joe.

[577] Yeah.

[578] But I mean, in that situation, I mean, you can't just decide that.

[579] Something that people used forever is all of a sudden racist.

[580] Like, here's a weird one.

[581] And I don't know why this is.

[582] You can't say Chinaman, but you can say Englishmen.

[583] Hmm.

[584] I think a lot of it has to do with because the Chinese were enslaved.

[585] Is that right?

[586] They built the railroads.

[587] Yeah.

[588] Is that something?

[589] That probably has something to do with it.

[590] But you can say Irishmen and the Irish were enslaved.

[591] There you go.

[592] So that defeats that.

[593] Yeah.

[594] By the way, I'm just guessing.

[595] This is not my...

[596] The Irish were not enslaved.

[597] I mean, there was some Irish people that came over that did indentured servitude.

[598] I'm sure actually, now that I am reading, I did read something about Irish slaves.

[599] But in comparison, the African slaves, it's not even close.

[600] Yeah, I don't know much about that Irish thing, but I know that black people, African American people, get upset when you say, but the Irish enslaved.

[601] All I know is they don't like that shit.

[602] Yeah, they're not into that argument.

[603] Yeah, it's a terrible argument.

[604] It doesn't seem like a great one.

[605] There's not a lot of pictures of the Irish slaves that built America.

[606] Yeah, I think a lot also came voluntarily or something.

[607] I don't know.

[608] Oh, yeah, my grandparents.

[609] My grandfather on my father side came from Ireland.

[610] I think my great grandparents.

[611] Yeah, imagine being one of those people from the 1920s.

[612] it's like fuck it I'm taking a chance I'm gonna get on a fucking boat travel across the ocean only like 50 years after pictures were made yeah it's insane I think about that all the time when I watch Gonefather Part 2 the whole time I'm like yeah go get him little buddy and then he fucking takes like the most powerful guy in the state city whatever it's just there's no place like that now where people just can go well that's here still isn't it but it's not though it's fucking hard like it's hard if you're Canadian it's if you're Canadian it's if you're Canadian Canadian, it's hard to get over here.

[613] Yeah.

[614] And we're connected.

[615] Like, they make it real hard for Canadians to move here.

[616] Yeah, oh, for sure.

[617] Well, I know a lot of Canadian comedians, and they have to, like, prove.

[618] The whole idea is hilarious of a comedian trying to prove they're necessary in America.

[619] It's just a comical idea.

[620] It is funny.

[621] They're like, can you guys write me letters that says we need more jokes in New York?

[622] I think we need more comedians always.

[623] I think there's a finite resource of comedians.

[624] Well, we need more quality comedians.

[625] There's plenty of comedians.

[626] You never know.

[627] Like, I knew guys that sucked, man, for years.

[628] And I used to have this thought, either you're funny or you're not funny.

[629] If you're funny, you can get funnier.

[630] Right.

[631] But I knew guys that used to eat shit.

[632] Wow.

[633] And now they're murderers.

[634] Keeps coming back to Ari.

[635] Oh, no, no, no, no, no, Arri.

[636] I'm zinging.

[637] Ari was always funny.

[638] He always had something.

[639] Like, he was never as funny as he is now, but he always had something.

[640] He was always like, this guy's going to make it.

[641] Yeah, it is interesting when people.

[642] kind of figure it out.

[643] But I think a lot of those people, they're trying to be what they think is supposed to be funny, and eventually they figure out to just be themselves.

[644] And that's how it kind of...

[645] I think you're right.

[646] Like, they're trying to do Seinfeld or something.

[647] And then after a while, somebody along the way goes, hey, just tell the thing you said in the car.

[648] Right, right, right, right.

[649] I got friends like that that never made that flip, like friends from Boston, comics, that have like the biggest disparity in funny offstage to funny on stage of anybody where it's puzzling where I'm like you are the funniest person I've ever met and you've been eating shit for 20 years and it's like why how does that not translate that used to be Joey Diaz is the funniest guy I've ever seen I've never seen anybody funny here and Joey Diaz when he first started out I didn't meet him when he first started out I met him, jeez, I probably met him four years into his career.

[650] I met him in 95, I think, or 96, somewhere around then.

[651] And he just couldn't figure it out on stage.

[652] And then around 98, I was, I used to take him with me on the road, around 98, he just caught this wave.

[653] And I'm saying within like six months, he went from having rough sets to fucking annihilating.

[654] Wow.

[655] He also gained during that time at least 80 pounds.

[656] He just didn't give a fuck anymore.

[657] Like something clicked where he didn't give a fuck anymore.

[658] Right.

[659] He started eating whenever he wanted to eat.

[660] He was partying like a madman.

[661] And he would go on stage just didn't give a fuck.

[662] And he was so funny.

[663] It's like he figured out the formula.

[664] He was trying to do the actor thing.

[665] He got sucked into that thing that we were talking about, where you want to get on sitcoms, you want to get auditions, and you're going out for movies and then after a while he just got fucked over too many times and dealt with too many people and he realized that he was like kind of tailoring his act for those assholes.

[666] Yeah, I love those moments in any artist with music or whatever it is all as I know is music and comedy really but when they fucking finally get into that in the rhythm of like figuring out who they are and what they are and then you're like oh wow this is special to watch.

[667] Yeah, it's cool to watch too for like a person who's trying to do it themselves is because you see all the elements and the qualities that they've sort of embraced that have helped them, like the authenticity and their real thoughts and, you know, and what they, their honest self -deprecation and all the things that you see that just sort of fall into place.

[668] Then you can kind of examine your own self.

[669] Right.

[670] Yeah.

[671] Maybe I can do that.

[672] Well, that's the thing about comedy, I think.

[673] It's like we don't exist in a vacuum.

[674] We all influence each other.

[675] Right.

[676] You know, sometimes too much.

[677] like people do the Attal voice.

[678] You know, there are so many guys to do that voice.

[679] And it's ruthless when you see people doing it.

[680] Like, God, you got to pull them aside and go, hey, man, I'm an Aetel fan too, which got to back off the Atel voice.

[681] Yeah, that happens.

[682] It goes in waves, too.

[683] Remember, when I was like in the early 2000s, it was a lot of Dane.

[684] People were doing a lot of Dane.

[685] I used to say, ADI was my term of another Dane impression.

[686] There'd be all these guys that walk out and they're doing, they're holding the mic in an impractical way.

[687] It works for him, but they're kind of like, and doing these weird movements.

[688] And you're like, I think that's kind of his thing.

[689] Cute young guys, and they're trying to put on baseball hats everywhere they go.

[690] Yeah.

[691] And they come up with their own way to do a handstand on the stool.

[692] Dane got mad at a guy once because he was wearing a Boston hat.

[693] Oh, interesting.

[694] He's like, that's my thing.

[695] Oh, wow.

[696] I wear a Boston hat.

[697] I'm wearing a Bruin shirt.

[698] I hope that's okay.

[699] I don't know, man. You got to check in.

[700] I'll send him an email.

[701] Are you from Boston?

[702] I'm from Whitman, Massachusetts.

[703] But I started there.

[704] I was there for years, yeah.

[705] Oh, I'm from Newton.

[706] Oh, wow.

[707] Yeah.

[708] A lot of comics from Newton.

[709] Really?

[710] Well, not a lot.

[711] John Fish.

[712] I don't know if you know John.

[713] No. He's a New York guy.

[714] And then, Louis.

[715] So it's three.

[716] But three is a lot to come from a relatively small town.

[717] Newton's a weird spot.

[718] It's like, it's idealic.

[719] If you go there right now, it's like, ah, this is beautiful.

[720] A little cute, little sweet little town.

[721] Yeah.

[722] When I was growing up there, it seemed like a frozen shithole.

[723] It was, I think, I could be wrong in this.

[724] I think Newton was once labeled the safety.

[725] town in America they had gone the longest distance without a murder or like I think they were basic enough murder or some crime and then shortly after that somebody was killed it was like they jinxed it yeah they probably wanted to set the record yeah and then someone would be the person to break it yeah someone was like fuck that and then they murdered but it's a good place yeah it's nice Boston's a great place to grow up but I think it wears on you all my friends who live there when I still I still have a few buddies that live there and I talked to him like man I don't know how many more than winters I can fucking take Yeah, I got a buddy that just moved to Key West July 1st, and he's like, I'm tired of shoveling and it's a hard city.

[726] People are fucking angry and the traffic and there's like inferiority complexes.

[727] It's a great place to, I think, influence you and then you got to get the hell out of that.

[728] Horrible place to date.

[729] I never, I mean, I did date there, but not.

[730] That accent, you find a woman with that accent, it's just, it's a boner killer.

[731] It's not a pleasant accent on a woman.

[732] Yeah, it's not good.

[733] On a dude, it's fun.

[734] I hear a dude with that accent.

[735] I said, ah, that'd be a good guy to drink with.

[736] Yes.

[737] Listen to him.

[738] I agree.

[739] There's most definitely a double standard with that.

[740] What accent are you turned on, but it's...

[741] Southern.

[742] Yeah, I suppose so.

[743] Texas.

[744] Yeah.

[745] Woo, that's the best.

[746] Australian, I like Australian.

[747] I like an Irish.

[748] I like English.

[749] I like Irish.

[750] Australian women, I've only had sex with two Australian women in my life, but both.

[751] Stop bragging, bro.

[752] But both, this is what's going to get worse.

[753] Both women individually request.

[754] I requested that I come on their face.

[755] So I don't know if that's an Australian thing.

[756] Must be.

[757] Call in if you're an Australian woman.

[758] Must have something to do with the lack of sunscreen out there.

[759] You know, they have a whole ozone layer.

[760] That's true.

[761] She's looking for a coating.

[762] But 100 % of Australian women, as far as I've tested.

[763] Like, unload in the mug.

[764] Yeah, yeah.

[765] Oh, load in the mug.

[766] Do you think if you were a girl, you'd like a guy to come in your face?

[767] I've talked about this before.

[768] I think if I was a girl, I would be a fucking wild animal.

[769] Yeah, I would be cum in my eyes.

[770] Because I'm a man, and I want to come in my face, you know.

[771] Yeah, so imagine.

[772] Yeah, I think so.

[773] I think I'd be just a...

[774] Just running around, tramping it up, all the dicks.

[775] Giving everybody something, some kind of disease.

[776] And I got stuff to give them, too.

[777] Do you got a bunch of them?

[778] I had HPV that goes away.

[779] I got married.

[780] How did it go away?

[781] No, you still have.

[782] It does.

[783] You shoot a dirty load into someone.

[784] You can give it to him still.

[785] Well, I think, I believe, I could have bad info.

[786] from my ENT, but I had...

[787] Pretty sure you did.

[788] I had...

[789] Pretty sure you keep that shit for life.

[790] Can we look this up over here?

[791] I think HPV does go away if you stop having sexual intercourse with different people.

[792] Oh, but I think it goes away for you, but I think it's still in your blood, and I think you still give it to people.

[793] Oh, interesting.

[794] Well...

[795] So, don't be lying to people when you're shooting.

[796] Well, I only have sex with one person.

[797] Jamie just put his finger up.

[798] I knew it.

[799] Just from the quick response.

[800] In most cases, HPV goes away on its own.

[801] does not cause any health problems, but when HPV does not go away, it causes health problems like general warts and cancer.

[802] A health care provider can usually diagnose warts by looking at the general area.

[803] What?

[804] We've got a fucking health care provider can usually diagnose warts by looking at them.

[805] Yeah, you can also do that.

[806] Comedians can also diagnose warts.

[807] You go, oh, that's a dick ward.

[808] Yeah, I went to Planned Parenthood who do more than abortions.

[809] They'll take your warts right off.

[810] They put a little thing on there and boom.

[811] Here it says there are currently no cure for existing HPV infection, but for most people would be cleared by their own immune system, and there are treatments available for the symptoms it can cause.

[812] You can get the HPV vaccine.

[813] Oh, they have a vaccine now.

[814] That's only for young people, though.

[815] We're too old.

[816] Causes problems?

[817] Yeah, yeah.

[818] What does it do?

[819] I don't know exactly.

[820] What do you?

[821] Don't lie.

[822] I did not get it.

[823] You got it, bro.

[824] It just started giving it out recently, I think, in the last, like, maybe less than 10 years.

[825] But you've got to be, yeah, you've got to get it, like, before you're 18 years.

[826] What does it makes you really horny?

[827] That would be ideal, right?

[828] I don't know.

[829] If it cures it.

[830] I guess if it cures it.

[831] But I had that, but so it does go away.

[832] Did you ever hear about, there's a story about a drug called Re -Equip.

[833] It was a medication for Parkinson's disease.

[834] And Galaxo Smith -Kline lost a judgment in court.

[835] I think it was in the tune of $600 ,000 American because it turned a guy into a gay sex and gambling addict.

[836] All he wanted to do was hook up with guys online and gamble.

[837] But listen, I know, it sounds crazy.

[838] But they lost the lawsuit.

[839] Like a pharmaceutical drug company lost a lawsuit and the jury awarded this guy more than a half a million dollars.

[840] How did he prove that all he wants to do is fuck guys?

[841] That's a good question.

[842] But they did.

[843] They proved it to the point where this guy won money because he never had any problems like this before, took his Parkinson's medication and it just short -circuited his brain he started sucking dick and rolling the dice I'm gonna sue Starbucks I've been drinking their tea and now I want to get came on come on they can't prove I don't want to be come done something about their tea it's not organic there's a fucking roundup in their tea yeah something's up but I want some loads well they're starting to pass out lawsuits against glyphosate speaking of that roundup that fucking that that shit, $2 billion, and another guy got $5 million.

[844] Well, he needs a better lawyer.

[845] Right?

[846] Because his lawyer got him $5 million.

[847] The other people's lawyers got him billions.

[848] What's the drug?

[849] Oh, it's on a drug.

[850] It's Roundup.

[851] It's that weed killer shit.

[852] Oh, okay.

[853] Weed killer.

[854] Oh, I see.

[855] Yeah, it gives people cancer.

[856] And they're finally passing down these massive judgments against Monsanto.

[857] Wow.

[858] Yeah, the weight of it all.

[859] See, Montanto's a jury hits.

[860] Jury with Hits Monsanto with two billion dollar judgment But there was that one And then there was another one for Five plus million That guy's got to be pissed right now How the fuck did I only get five million Now two billion is that exact Or are they rounding up Hot dog Count it You should open with that tonight at the improv I will On Hollywood Hey folks you hear about this This thing called Roundup Most people don't know what it is It's like serious GMO haters.

[861] They're people that are like super organic and they don't want any pesticides in their food.

[862] That's like one thing that people need to understand if you're buying vegetables and you eat a lot of vegetables, it's very good for you.

[863] But man, there is a lot of fucking pesticides out there.

[864] This is what's bumming me out.

[865] The more I do, because I always just ate garbage or whatever without thinking about it.

[866] Now, the more research I do, the more I'll read about, because I like to read health benefits of the food I'm eating while I'm eating it because it makes it feel like all right I'm doing something good but then everyone the bottom of the page like if you eat too much broccoli you'll shit your blood or whatever there's always something or there's pesticides or whatever the fuck yeah you the really have you heard of a carnivore diet you heard of that I'm sort I assume it's just meat it's just meat just steak and there's a lot of people that do it and people with autoimmune issues have huge reactions, positive reactions.

[867] Really?

[868] Yeah, my friend, he was having a receding gum disorder, went away, and they say that that shit never goes away.

[869] He lost 50 pounds.

[870] Jordan Peterson.

[871] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[872] He's on that carnivore diet.

[873] He's been on it over a year.

[874] Just got his blood work tested.

[875] A lot of people are like, you shouldn't even recommend that.

[876] It's so irresponsible.

[877] And there's arguments both ways, man. There's arguments that eating only vegetables is irresponsible because large -scale agriculture is like terrible for the environment.

[878] It displaces all this wildlife and animals and they in most cases they're using something to kill the weeds in most cases they're using glyphosate or something like that yeah i mean fruit to me is always like that's healthy and then people are like oh there's sugar and whatever fiber fruit's fine there's nothing wrong with fruit it's like everything else if you eat too much fruit if you like 10 oranges right your body's like what the fuck bro but like if you drink orange juice that's not good because your body's like where is all the fiber like what is this what do you doing to me. Like, why are you making me drink this sugar water?

[879] Yeah.

[880] If you drink like a 12 -ounce glass of orange juice, how, let's guess, how many grams of sugar do you think is in a 12 -ounce glass of orange juice?

[881] I don't know.

[882] I'm not good with this.

[883] I would say, can you give me some scale?

[884] Like, how much sugar is in a Coca -Cola?

[885] I wish I knew.

[886] Fuck.

[887] I'm going to say, 500?

[888] No, no, no. Okay, here's a good scale.

[889] Like, I saw one of those Gatorades, but not a Gatorade, it was a smart drink that had some fucking flavor to it or something like that, but it was 27 grams of sugar.

[890] Okay.

[891] That was like, Jesus, that's a lot of fucking sugar.

[892] So I'd say orange juice is more than that.

[893] Yeah, I would say it's got 35.

[894] I'll say 35.

[895] Okay.

[896] I'll say 48.

[897] Damn, he's going crazy.

[898] What do you say, Jamie?

[899] For some reason, this thing won't do the math, right?

[900] But in one ounce, there's 2 .6, so times 12, it's roughly 30, because it's 24 times the one plus to six so something like that something like 30 yeah so around there yeah it's a lot of sugar not 48 though fuck me yeah you're you're only supposed to like for a healthy diet I think you're supposed to be limited to 100 grams of sugar a day and that's for an active person like you really shouldn't fuck around with more than that right yeah I feel like I'm finally reaching the age where food becomes a situation you gotta start to yeah it's part of the problem man yeah as you get older body starts to fuck fall apart on you, bro.

[901] Yeah, my buddy, John Fish, who I mentioned earlier, he has a story about he went to his doctor and his doctor was like, in your 30s, your body starts to break down and in your 40s, your body starts to die.

[902] And he was waiting for him to like smile or laugh, but he was like just being serious.

[903] Doctor's an asshole.

[904] Seems like a pleasant.

[905] His wife right now is fucking her personal trainer, and that guy's super angry about it.

[906] That's probably what's going on there.

[907] Yeah, I think he's a bad guy.

[908] He's a terrible guy.

[909] Telling you that your body's dying.

[910] Listen, I'm alive, bitch.

[911] I'll fuck you up right now.

[912] I'll kill you.

[913] Yeah, good point.

[914] I'm alive and I'm dying.

[915] Good point.

[916] Shut up.

[917] Shut up, doctor.

[918] Dr. Dick Wad.

[919] What kind of doctor is that?

[920] I don't know, but there must be some truth to that, though.

[921] Specializes in negativity.

[922] Yeah.

[923] No, you're alive.

[924] Does it work as good as it does me you're 20?

[925] No. Does your fucking car work as good when it has 100 ,000 miles on it?

[926] No. But I think what he's saying is that we're on the back, the back end.

[927] What he should have said is, duh.

[928] Everybody knows that.

[929] Right.

[930] If you live to be 100 at 40, you're fucking halfway there, basically.

[931] Yeah, good point.

[932] And living to 100 is pretty difficult.

[933] Yeah, if you live to 100, man, you really did something.

[934] Yeah.

[935] And most people are not going to make that.

[936] I'm going to start trying.

[937] To make it 100?

[938] I wish that there was a thing that showed you, when you're dying, what tipped it over?

[939] Yeah, yeah.

[940] Well, they're like, you had one too many coax in 2007.

[941] Yeah, yeah.

[942] They looked at all the time you jerked off.

[943] Imagine if, like, here's an accounting, every time you jerk, you'd be like, no. I think about this all the time.

[944] I wish we could do that, because everything has all these stats now, you know, like baseball, whatever.

[945] I wish you could have all the shits you've taken, how many times you've wiped your ass, how many times you've jerked off, how many times you've sucked off sex.

[946] Wouldn't it be fun to have all of those numbers?

[947] It would.

[948] Why can't your phone do that?

[949] It should be able to.

[950] Your phone tells you how many steps you go.

[951] Yeah, exactly.

[952] I use my phone to track how far I run.

[953] Exactly.

[954] So we should start, I guess we could type it into our phone.

[955] Yeah, you could.

[956] You could add it up.

[957] You could have, like, an app every time you jerk off.

[958] You have to double tap it.

[959] I feel like that would be a fun thing.

[960] I think we just invented something.

[961] Yeah, it could be a good app.

[962] Like, how many times you jerk off in a year?

[963] Jamie, how many times you jerk off?

[964] I don't know.

[965] That was just to say the Apple Watch might know because last time I got an elliptical, it knew I was on the elliptical within two minutes.

[966] It's like, oh, do you want to track this elliptical workout?

[967] It's like, how the, you know, that motion of the arm moving.

[968] Is that what it is?

[969] It's got to be because there's the meter in there.

[970] Well, that's, you know, that's interesting, that my zone's heart rate monitor thing that we were wearing for Sober October, that thing syncs up with my elliptical machine.

[971] And it shows the heart rate, without me even holding onto the heart rate sensors.

[972] That's just like Bluetooth, though.

[973] That's pretty easy.

[974] Right, but it did it without me asking it.

[975] It just did it.

[976] It's close, proximity.

[977] I know, but it's pretty crazy that it did that.

[978] I wonder what else is connected to without.

[979] Dun, dun, done, done, the fucking government man. Dun, don't, tom.

[980] Are you worried about your phone being tracked?

[981] No, I have, uh, uh, I, for some reason, I've never cared that much.

[982] I know I should, and people talk about it, like the government watching us and tracking all the information.

[983] I don't, I'm too busy worried about, you know, dying, and if people like me or not.

[984] I just assume they are.

[985] Yeah, I don't, it doesn't.

[986] I hate to sound like a, like some fucking asshole that's like, oh, I'm not doing anything wrong, so spy, like, but I just don't, it doesn't connect with me to be concerned about that.

[987] Yeah, I don't think you sound like an asshole.

[988] All right.

[989] Well, some people are like, well, I'm not doing anything wrong.

[990] We want to get the terrorists and blah, blah, blah.

[991] Yeah, those people are assholes, though.

[992] The people that say that, what do you care if you're not doing anything wrong?

[993] That's how tyranny starts, you weak bitch.

[994] Right.

[995] Me, am I a weak bitch?

[996] No, no, that guy.

[997] I appreciate that.

[998] This fake guy we're talking about.

[999] He needs to go get some fucking guns.

[1000] Stand up for America.

[1001] Venezuela.

[1002] See what's going on Venezuela, bro?

[1003] They don't have any guns.

[1004] It's true, actually.

[1005] Yeah.

[1006] I mean, they're running over people in the street because people can't, it's hard to get guns in as well.

[1007] That's another thing.

[1008] Sometimes things just don't.

[1009] Like, I'll see that story and be like, huh, Marit.

[1010] And then I just move on.

[1011] You can't register everything.

[1012] There's no way.

[1013] You'll never get any thought done.

[1014] Yeah.

[1015] What's up, Jamie?

[1016] What do you go about?

[1017] About the story of this guy in Holmby Hills, which is like the Beverly Hills area.

[1018] Oh, yeah.

[1019] I heard about that.

[1020] He had more than a thousand guns.

[1021] Yeah.

[1022] He was making some of them.

[1023] He was making them.

[1024] Not all of them.

[1025] But did he do anything, or did you just like guns?

[1026] I don't know.

[1027] Because if they decided to arrest me, if they decided to arrest me, and they said, Charoonga has five bows and 150 arrows.

[1028] Like, who the fuck is he planning on killing?

[1029] Right?

[1030] They could do that.

[1031] But those are more firearms sales, I guess.

[1032] Those are less alarming numbers to me, though.

[1033] Bows.

[1034] 150 arrows.

[1035] A thousand seems like a lot.

[1036] Yeah.

[1037] But I think it's one of those things.

[1038] You just get excited and you keep buying them.

[1039] acting on a tip regarding illegal firearm sales.

[1040] Okay, so he's selling guns.

[1041] Guns were strewn throughout several of the homes' rooms.

[1042] Authority said it took about 30 law enforcement personnel, more than 12 hours to remove all the weapons.

[1043] Goals, gun goals, photos and videos from the scene showed stacks of rifles.

[1044] I have a buddy of mine who has so many guns, he doesn't know how many guns he has.

[1045] That's impressive.

[1046] That's like us with jerking off.

[1047] Yeah, exactly.

[1048] Same thing.

[1049] He jerks off too, though.

[1050] He's a real gun nut, like a legit gun nut.

[1051] Like he does long range shooting, he goes, enters into competitions and stuff where they shoot like, you know, they shoot out to like a thousand plus yards.

[1052] I try to understand because I try to be a good empathetic person.

[1053] I'm not a gun guy and it's easy to be like, what do you need guns?

[1054] You're fucking maniac.

[1055] But then I'm like, I understand.

[1056] Like I had thousands of baseball cards.

[1057] I guess you get, they're not killing machines.

[1058] But I guess you get into something and then you're like, I want this gun and then I'm going to try to get another guy.

[1059] And then you get addicted to the purchasing of things.

[1060] Yeah, there's that.

[1061] But it's also fun to shoot him.

[1062] You go to a range.

[1063] Like I went to arrange with Duncan, Duncan Truzzle, who's basically a Buddhist and probably one of the most peaceful people I've ever met in my life.

[1064] And super brilliant guy.

[1065] And he's like, this is so fun.

[1066] You fucking loved it.

[1067] We loved it.

[1068] We just shooting pieces of paper, you know, out at distance and clay pigeons and shit.

[1069] It's fun.

[1070] That seems like fun, I guess.

[1071] Yeah.

[1072] It's also sobering.

[1073] Like when you pull the trigger on a rifle, boom.

[1074] And you see that.

[1075] Bullet hit that paper, and you're like, that is, or metal, too.

[1076] You hear clink, you know, when you're shooting at something.

[1077] It's pretty instant, right?

[1078] Instant, yeah, yeah.

[1079] I mean, when you get to longer distances, it's kind of interesting because you pull the trigger, boom, and then you hear, tink.

[1080] Like, there's actually a lag time.

[1081] Right.

[1082] Ding.

[1083] What kind of distance are we talking?

[1084] I've never shot anything further than, like, 400 yards, I think, was the longest I shot anything at the range.

[1085] That's amazing.

[1086] Yeah, that's pretty long.

[1087] That's a fucking huge range.

[1088] Yeah, it's four football fields.

[1089] You have to set your scope for that, or at the very least you have to understand the drop of your bullet.

[1090] It's all about how fast your bullet's going.

[1091] If you had a pencil and a bullet, right?

[1092] One in each hand, and he dropped in both the same time.

[1093] They'll both fall exactly the same speed because it's a rate of gravity.

[1094] So it's all a matter of how fast the bullet gets to the target.

[1095] Right.

[1096] Because it's going to drop.

[1097] From the moment it comes out of the gun, it's dropping.

[1098] Right.

[1099] So how fast is it going there is going to tell you how far it's going to drop.

[1100] So if you know that, you set that, you can use ballistics an application.

[1101] You take that ballistics information, you put it into your phone, like 400 yards, 115 grains, whatever your bullet is, you know, 300 wind mag, whatever it is.

[1102] You enter all that stuff in, and then it'll tell you exactly what to do on your scope, or then you turn it and then think it'll go right in the center.

[1103] Wow.

[1104] Yeah, that's what those long -range dorks, they love it.

[1105] They love it.

[1106] They love shooting things that are really, really, really far.

[1107] I think they're called snipers.

[1108] Well, that's kind of, yeah, but they're not really snipers.

[1109] A lot of them are civilians.

[1110] Oh, they're just like people that like that.

[1111] They just have long -range competitions.

[1112] Wow.

[1113] Yeah, it's crazy.

[1114] They have like a guy will be there with like super high -powered binoculars, like, you know, fucking these big -ass scope binoculars.

[1115] Yeah.

[1116] And they're like, high left.

[1117] And they'll like calibrate, low right.

[1118] And they'll calibrate.

[1119] They're just trying to, like, figure out Like that film Jarhead Did you see that movie?

[1120] I did not Oh, it's good Isn't that Jake Glulinghal?

[1121] Jake Jillenhall?

[1122] I love Jake Jillenhall That's someone I would like to come on my face Did you see when he was in that movie When he played a boxer and he got super ripped?

[1123] I did not see that movie But someone next to him in the plane was watching it So I saw without Did you get hard?

[1124] Hearing it, I didn't know Go look up Jake Lulenhall It was called Southpaw.

[1125] He got super shredded.

[1126] He's a great actor.

[1127] Come on, son.

[1128] Yeah, that's something.

[1129] That is fucking jacked.

[1130] I mean, that is about as shredded as a man gets.

[1131] That guy worked hard to get that body.

[1132] No, he's amazing.

[1133] He's great, and Zodiac is one of my favorite movies.

[1134] Brokeback Mountain, I love.

[1135] And what's the one with Nightcrawler?

[1136] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1137] And then Prisoners was great, too.

[1138] I love that movie.

[1139] Yeah, he's been in a bunch of great movies.

[1140] He's an interesting cat.

[1141] He's good.

[1142] Yeah, there's certain people that, like, you just, want to see them act.

[1143] Isn't that weird?

[1144] Yes.

[1145] You know, like, they just, they have a thing.

[1146] Yeah.

[1147] And then certain people that you're like, enough of this fucking guy.

[1148] Yeah, there's some people that are famous actors that you're like, how did this guy get in?

[1149] I don't understand what.

[1150] Drop some names.

[1151] Who decided, well, I'm afraid this podcast is too big.

[1152] These people could be listening.

[1153] Could be.

[1154] But yeah, that's one.

[1155] People got to sacrifice.

[1156] There's a couple guys whose name I don't know, but I just see him.

[1157] And then, like, my wife will just, I'm sorry, I didn't know he was in this.

[1158] And I'm like, thank you.

[1159] There's a couple of actors that you're like, this guy sucks.

[1160] And he's just a guy, I don't get it.

[1161] Yeah.

[1162] But most of them are great.

[1163] I feel like most people that are doing well are pretty good in acting.

[1164] Well, that's what we would hope.

[1165] See, this is the thing that's, I hope, comes out of this whole Me Too movement besides these criminals getting busted, is that it changes the whole, it's like, there's a sort of a, the way thing, there's an ecosystem out here.

[1166] And I've seen it with women, too.

[1167] Like, there was a woman casting agent that I knew that.

[1168] fucked all these men and would get them parts and she was gross and she was really aggressive she tried to fuck my buddy and she tried to fuck two of my buddies oh wow yeah she sounds nice to me i kind of like her foul all right bad breath everything's wrong okay all right i'll take your word for it's a long time ago she's probably dead she probably got HPV and she just died it didn't go away yeah it didn't go away but but i mean i've seen it i've seen aggressive women and it's not as many obviously but yeah but that people would be judged on their merits because it's and not just see it's not out here like when you're acting and trying to audition it's not just sexual favors it's also political leanings and like they'll ask you questions about things everyone everyone falls in line right with whatever the ideology that you're supposed to adopt in order to be accepted by this community like so they're they're really looking for people to say the right things and do the right things they want you to like it's not a coincidence that everyone in Hollywood is progressive, that everyone in Hollywood, you know, is super liberal and super left wing.

[1169] It's an act for a lot of them.

[1170] For a good percentage of people out here, it's a fucking act.

[1171] It's a thing that gets you attention and credit.

[1172] But couldn't it be part of it?

[1173] I mean, I don't disagree.

[1174] But I do think a lot of people that are naturally artistic, they become open -minded, and then they end up going to places where they're very diverse and part of becoming progressive i think is meeting a lot of these people that are you know gay people and muslim people and trans people and then you go oh these people are just like me blah blah blah for sure yeah there's that's got to be part of it there's that too but there's such a prevalence of fake humans that you got to realize that like most of these people have no opinions they're not real opinions like what they're doing is they're just sort of spouting out this predetermined pattern and behavior that they feel like would be accepted.

[1175] Yes.

[1176] Oh, for sure.

[1177] And I think, yeah, it's set up that way.

[1178] Like I said, I mean, I'm basically just saying what you just said.

[1179] Well, they just want it so bad.

[1180] They want it so bad.

[1181] Yeah.

[1182] Well, that's the danger of being motivated by fame and success.

[1183] It's so bad.

[1184] That's where I think of what helps a lot of comedians is it starts off.

[1185] The seed is not fame or fortune.

[1186] It's like, I want to be as funny as I want to be as.

[1187] bring as much joy to the audience as I can.

[1188] And so as long as you can keep that, you end up being a pretty decent person and a good artist.

[1189] Yeah, you just want to kill.

[1190] Yeah.

[1191] The thing about, there's some traps in that too, right?

[1192] And this is one of the traps that leads to people stealing material, is that you just want to kill.

[1193] You want to kill.

[1194] You want to feel that feeling.

[1195] Right.

[1196] So you want it.

[1197] It's not that you want the audience to have it.

[1198] It's like you want to kill.

[1199] Right.

[1200] And the way you kills, they have a great.

[1201] time but you will do that at any cost so you take other people's work and try to pawn it off as your own you pretend to be someone you're not right so that they'll like you more so you'll kill louder I'm afraid someone's gonna take this clip where you keep saying you and it's just showing me being like I'm sorry someone's definitely gonna do that this is like a Colin Quinn used to have that old joke he's like don't tell you the story and they use you as he's like you're telling me you sleep with kids and you think that's okay and he's like not me I'm not the guy But yeah, that That is a weird thing that people do So you're telling me you think it's okay to rob old ladies Get the fuck out of here I didn't say that No, I know you didn't say that Yeah, but they don't hear that part These fucking guys who rob old ladies But yeah, that definitely is But I try to be in tune with that too Like in a meditative way of that Because you get so, as a comedian You get so obsessed with just like the sound of killing And wanting to kill that you forget That they're actually a group of human beings Right, right, right.

[1202] And then you're like, you are, the goal is to bring joy to the people that you're actually trying to get laughs and trying to feel the joy of providing joy, as opposed to just like, if I kill, I'll get on TV, and if I get on TV, I can pitch my show.

[1203] I try to kind of organically walk it back to the room in the moment of making these people here laugh.

[1204] That's a great attitude.

[1205] But I think New York is better in that regard, in that there's not really a lot of, industry.

[1206] It's really just about killing.

[1207] It's just about being funny.

[1208] Yeah.

[1209] It feels like a lot of the motivation in New York is to kill so you'll get more seller spots the next week.

[1210] Yes.

[1211] As opposed to I'll kill so I can get in the room with true TV or whatever.

[1212] Right, right, right, right.

[1213] Yeah, you don't want.

[1214] That's a, I'm hoping that goes away and I think it is.

[1215] That's one thing that's kind of reinvigorated the Los Angeles scene is actually the death of jobs.

[1216] Believe it or not.

[1217] There's no jobs for comedians anymore other than being a comedian.

[1218] Right.

[1219] So, and also, because of podcasts and the internet, because people can put their clips up on YouTube and because people can do things on the internet, there is no longer, like, the really important stuff for your career is no longer held by these gatekeepers, like the network executives that are constantly, they're never there anyway.

[1220] Like, if you get a show approved by a network executive, there's a real good shot that in six months that person won't be there anymore right right real good shot yeah that's like that it feels like in the whole industry so many bookers you in comedy starting out you try to impress this booker or get in with them where you're like kind of hanging out and like having a beer and then next thing no they're like in accounting they're not even in the business anymore the good thing about today though is there's more camaraderie amongst comedians than ever than ever before and there's more support amongst comedians because comedians do each other's podcast right and on the podcast you'll talk about each other.

[1221] And sometimes it's bad, like how we're shitting on Ari Shafir, because I'm fucking really tired of Ari, aren't you?

[1222] I'm not.

[1223] You've known them a lot longer, you know?

[1224] I love them.

[1225] I'm just kidding.

[1226] But I mean, sometimes it is bad, though, if someone gets exposed, if someone, you know, like someone does piss you off or someone is doing something unethical and you find out about it through a podcast.

[1227] But for the most part, most comedians in these podcasts are being like super supportive yeah no it's the best i mean i think most things i've gotten in my career are from other comedians yeah yeah at this point yeah i think that's real normal and it's normal east coast and west coast and it didn't used to be like that there wasn't this like really super supportive community out there anymore but there wasn't always i think it's the podcast thing i really do because so many people have podcasts now yeah well it's also contagious when someone does so much for you and brings you on the road and buys you lunch and tweets your shit You're like, oh, I want to do that for somebody.

[1228] And so then it keeps propelling for it.

[1229] It's a good feeling.

[1230] It's a nice to be nice to the nice.

[1231] Yeah, it's a great feeling.

[1232] And you really get to know, like, Ari's podcast is one of my favorite podcasts because he, you get to know him in his podcast.

[1233] Like, he does these, he'll do an intro that's 40 minutes long for a conversation.

[1234] And it's him stoned, wandering around his apartment, cooking salmon and talking about it and like, and talking about this and that and something that sucks.

[1235] and this is stupid and that's great.

[1236] And, you know, it's like you get to hear him.

[1237] Yeah.

[1238] No, Ari is a special, not to sound like a fucking fruitcake, but he's a special human being.

[1239] I love that guy.

[1240] You know what I love about him more than anything?

[1241] Well, I love a lot of things about him.

[1242] But he figured out who he was and got successful.

[1243] And when he got successful, he gave zero fucks.

[1244] Once he got successful, he's like, okay, I've got a couple hundred times.

[1245] in the bank you can all suck my ass yeah and he doesn't he doesn't compromise anything yeah and he takes care of people in a way that I'm like I'm concerned about your finance like he'll do a show and split the door evenly with everybody and I'm like you you should take the money you sold it out you hosted the show you produced the show like I've done his storytelling show and he's like here's eight hundred and sixty dollars and I told like an eight minute story and didn't even do great I'm like, ah, I'm sorry, that sucked.

[1246] He's like, whatever, here's $900.

[1247] And you're like, okay, like, you could have paid me $100.

[1248] It's like a Tuesday.

[1249] And I would have blown you.

[1250] But that's the way he is.

[1251] As long as you come in my face, right?

[1252] Yeah, exactly.

[1253] I'm not going to swallow that jew load.

[1254] But then I've produced a show with him.

[1255] We did a show together, and then that's when it fucks you, the splitting the money, where I'm like, I don't want to fucking split the money.

[1256] Yeah, that's true.

[1257] Yeah, that does fuck you, especially if it's your show.

[1258] But no, he's a great guy.

[1259] We just went out and hiked.

[1260] Mount Zion and Is that Utah?

[1261] Zion National I might have made the Mount part up Zion National Forest Yeah yeah I don't know if there's a mount involved Is that Utah?

[1262] In Utah yeah But he like paid for the Airbnb Where all the fucking has a wild Like rock formations and shit Yeah yeah yeah it's pretty amazing Yeah But he got this like Airbnb that was like Seven bedrooms and a hot tub And he paid for the whole thing And then I got this reflux thing So we made all this special food just for me. Is that you guys?

[1263] That's us right there.

[1264] Oh, look at that.

[1265] That's Mike Vecione and my wife, Sarah Talamash and myself.

[1266] Did you see any mountain lions or any crazy shit when you're out there?

[1267] We saw nothing crazy.

[1268] I mean, it was beautiful and amazing, but nothing insane.

[1269] That was beautiful.

[1270] That was the house he got.

[1271] Nice Airbnb.

[1272] It's like a retreat for all these crazy drums in there and big fireplace, indoor, outdoor.

[1273] It was pretty unbelievable.

[1274] You know, the weird thing about Airbnb's is you find like little fucking webcams where people are watching you 24 -7.

[1275] Wow, that's the backyard?

[1276] That's the back port.

[1277] Fuck!

[1278] That view is amazing.

[1279] Holy shit.

[1280] And then the next day, my wife and I drove to Sunnyvale, California.

[1281] We all said goodbye.

[1282] I was going to do rooster tea feathers.

[1283] And we went to the mall to eat, and all of our shit got raw.

[1284] Everything I'm wearing, everything she's wearing is stolen.

[1285] We had this big, like, meditative Zion hiking three days together.

[1286] You just feel like, man, fucking life, bro.

[1287] and then we went to the Cheesecake Factory.

[1288] I was starving.

[1289] I'm like, I've got to eat something.

[1290] And we came out and 100 % of our luggage and computers were stolen.

[1291] Out of your car?

[1292] Yeah, which I guess is an epidemic in the, what's that called?

[1293] Silicon Valley.

[1294] Really?

[1295] Huge San Jose, San Francisco.

[1296] To the point where the cops were like, oh yeah, all right, take care.

[1297] Do they break into your car?

[1298] I guess they went into the trunk, but I thought maybe I didn't lock the door, but a bunch of people have tweeted at me saying they have like fucking decoder things.

[1299] just get into cars.

[1300] Jesus Christ.

[1301] And they pray on rental cars because they know you have suitcases and shit.

[1302] They see that little no smoking thing.

[1303] Oh, and that's the thing in Silicon Valley?

[1304] Yeah, so after that happened, we noticed every restaurant would go to would see at least like one business guy with eating with a suitcase next to them where you've got to bring your shit inside.

[1305] But it was brutal.

[1306] Silicon Valley is a weird spot because you have all these really rich people and then you have a fucking army of homeless folks.

[1307] Yeah, I mean, that feels like America.

[1308] And getting more and more that way.

[1309] Somebody was telling me this, Jamie, find out if this is true, because someone was telling me that this is a woman that I know that lives out here, and she was saying that they bust people, bust them in from other cities.

[1310] They take their homeless people and give them one -way tickets to Los Angeles.

[1311] I heard that with Hawaii.

[1312] Is that what you said?

[1313] No. Oh, I heard that happens in Hawaii.

[1314] They fly them to Los Angeles.

[1315] That's a good move.

[1316] If you're in Hawaii, good luck getting a ticket back, you fuck.

[1317] Yeah, but if you bust them, they could always get back.

[1318] They're on the same piece of ground.

[1319] Right.

[1320] It's not as effective.

[1321] That's a good point.

[1322] They should fly them to Hawaii.

[1323] That's what L .A. should do.

[1324] Send them back, yeah.

[1325] Yeah, so you have a lot of money.

[1326] And I think this is like...

[1327] A .30s.

[1328] Get one of them A37s and tens of crash.

[1329] And make it a...

[1330] I think you should make it a night.

[1331] Like a fucking private, like a Air Force One with his, like, food and, you know, foot massager.

[1332] And then they're like, oh, wow, this is going to be great.

[1333] And then you're like, no, it ain't.

[1334] Yeah, you fly them into Molokai.

[1335] That's that island that they used to send the lepers.

[1336] So there's...

[1337] an article I just found that was done by the Guardian in 2017.

[1338] Seems like a pretty long in -depth article.

[1339] It doesn't say they're being bused specifically to Los Angeles, but this one, the example they're giving is a ticket purchase to this guy by the city of San Francisco, and I think this was sending him to Indianapolis.

[1340] So he went 2300 miles the other way.

[1341] How weird is that?

[1342] That should be so illegal to not take care of your homeless problem, but rather to send them.

[1343] He traveled 2 ,275 miles over three days to reach his destination in Indianapolis and then freeze to death.

[1344] Imagine you go from San Francisco to Indianapolis so you don't have the proper footwear.

[1345] That sucks.

[1346] Cities have been offering homeless people free bus tickets to relocate elsewhere for at least three decades.

[1347] What?

[1348] That is gross.

[1349] Well, if you're just offering them a ticket.

[1350] Yeah, but it's...

[1351] That's not so bad.

[1352] Until now, there's never been a systematic nationwide assessment of the consequences.

[1353] Where are these people being moved to?

[1354] What does the impact those programs they're having on the cities that send and the cities that receive them?

[1355] And what happens to these homeless people after they reach their destination?

[1356] Well, the best example of that was that wild, wild country documentary.

[1357] Did you watch that?

[1358] Yeah, I did.

[1359] I mean, they took over a fucking town with homeless folks.

[1360] Yeah, that was one of those ones.

[1361] Every cult thing I watched, the first, like, half hour, I'm like, this seems pretty nice.

[1362] I'm kind of into this.

[1363] Yeah, yeah, like, this sounds kind of awesome.

[1364] And then slowly you're like, oh, maybe it's on it.

[1365] Ah, they're poisoning people.

[1366] Fuck.

[1367] Even the Scientology was like that.

[1368] I was watching like a half hour and I was like I kind of am into this religion.

[1369] Which one?

[1370] Going Clear.

[1371] The HBO?

[1372] Lawrence Wright one.

[1373] Alex Gibney, I think maybe.

[1374] Yeah, it's Lawrence Wright's book.

[1375] Okay.

[1376] Going clear.

[1377] The book is even more bizarre because it gets obviously like way more into depth about how crazy El Ron Hubbard was and what he essentially did and how he started this whole thing.

[1378] And he was self -analyzing.

[1379] He was trying to heal himself because he was fucking crazy.

[1380] Right.

[1381] And along the way he got really.

[1382] into psychology and self -help books and then was quoted saying if you want to make real money you start a religion and then started a religion yeah well he's not wrong he was right yeah he did all right watch this graphic that they used on here I have to scroll down and make it activate but it shows their data showing all these homeless people getting sent around the country whoa it shows them just like those little dots getting moved around so they're sending them from Los Angeles and New York primarily look at that loads a little spur By year, I can't show the whole graphics because we can't see it.

[1383] That is crazy.

[1384] Yeah, it's like...

[1385] What is that burst?

[1386] Is that burst from...

[1387] Is that Southern California?

[1388] Right here, yeah.

[1389] It looks like San Francisco.

[1390] This would be up here.

[1391] This would be L .A. and, like, San Diego.

[1392] But Florida seems to have the most.

[1393] It started in Florida.

[1394] This graphic starts out in Florida.

[1395] Wow.

[1396] Well, that makes sense.

[1397] It's warm.

[1398] The hurricanes, I think, too, was around that time period when they got smashed in 2010.

[1399] Oh, yeah.

[1400] I like the idea of all the ones passing each other, though.

[1401] Like, there's two homeless guys passing each other, like ships in the night.

[1402] Here's where you don't see.

[1403] Liam land Texas Texas doesn't give a fuck they'll just shoot you they'll shoot you they have a hole for homeless people like what they have out in the desert why not like Wyoming they don't have enough people up there anyways bears it's fucking hard to live up there they're just not interested in taking in your homeless yeah it's a you know when you by the time you get to be a certain age and you're homeless I guess you just have to accept the fact that this is just life this is the life you've you know yeah Yeah, it seems unpleasant.

[1404] I enjoy having a home, personally.

[1405] Me too.

[1406] I like it.

[1407] Yeah, I like going in there.

[1408] I recommend one with a lock.

[1409] Yeah, that's the best.

[1410] So you could sleep.

[1411] Yeah.

[1412] Do you like living in New York?

[1413] I love it, yeah.

[1414] But I'm on the road so much that it's ideal.

[1415] Or I'm like, I'm never home for really more than like 10 days, which with New York is ideal.

[1416] You ever think about moving out here?

[1417] Not really.

[1418] I mean, I do.

[1419] Yeah, the answer is yes.

[1420] But I don't think I will because I'm like a road dog.

[1421] So L .A. It's tough because you're behind the eight ball with the time.

[1422] Like most, you're three hours behind most of the markets.

[1423] Oh, for flights.

[1424] Yeah, so you've got to get up at like 6 a .m. or leave the day before.

[1425] And I like the comedy seller.

[1426] I like being there.

[1427] I like doing those, like, quality spots, and you can kind of do multiple.

[1428] My family's in New England.

[1429] I like going home to see them.

[1430] Do you work when you're in New England as well?

[1431] Yeah, I do.

[1432] Like, Laugh Boston?

[1433] It's a great spot.

[1434] Yeah, it's cool.

[1435] Yeah, I'm there at some point.

[1436] November, like Thanksgiving or something.

[1437] There used to be 100 fucking comedy clubs in Boston.

[1438] There used to be so many And now there's just Laugh Boston And like what else There's the Wilbur Yeah the Wilbur Nick's comedy stop still around Knicks is still around Yeah that's crazy That that place is still around Yeah that's been there forever But I just worked there 30 years ago That's amazing I worked there 18 years ago It's crazy Yeah But yeah The comedy connection was like my home You did that In Fanio Hall Yeah that was amazing Is that where you started Yeah I didn't start I started a place called Chops Lounge, which was like a true open mic, where it was like street people and fucking manate, people that had been bust in from San Francisco.

[1439] It was like a sign up and go on and they'd be like a mixture of comics and then just weirdos.

[1440] And so I started there.

[1441] And then I went, eventually the comedy connection, I started working there.

[1442] But that's where I first started opening for people and doing like real comedy work.

[1443] And it kind of spawned from there.

[1444] You know, I mean, it's weird for us, but you know who it's really weird for?

[1445] it's really weird if you try to, like, do open mics and you're like a singer.

[1446] Yeah, I don't know how that works.

[1447] It doesn't work well.

[1448] It works terrible.

[1449] Yeah.

[1450] There was comics that would go to, like, music, open mics.

[1451] I mean, there are music open mics, right?

[1452] I guess.

[1453] I went to a poetry slam open mic once.

[1454] I've been to comedy shows that feel like poetry slams.

[1455] Well, in New York, you get a lot of that now, right?

[1456] Where you're just like, what?

[1457] I heard there's a lot of, like, really.

[1458] ridiculous sort of like woke comedy being performed?

[1459] Yeah, definitely.

[1460] There's a thing where it's now become oddly hacky.

[1461] They don't realize that you're like, well, this is now hack.

[1462] Right.

[1463] Where you're like, ah, Trump or white male privilege, which I'm like, yeah, I understand.

[1464] It's an issue.

[1465] You're like seven other comics started their sentence with that same thing.

[1466] But they might be able to say that about me saying sex jokes or whatever.

[1467] White male privilege is only a problem.

[1468] because of racism and because of sexism.

[1469] If racism and sexism are out of the picture, it's not your fault.

[1470] It's not your fault you're a white male.

[1471] The problem is that some people are not white males.

[1472] If you're a black woman and you encounter prejudice everywhere you go and discrimination everywhere you go, the problem is the discrimination.

[1473] It's not Joe List being a white male.

[1474] They've fucked the whole thing up because they've really created resistance where there should be none because you've made people perpetrators when they've done nothing wrong.

[1475] Like, you just were born a white male.

[1476] You got unlucky the same way, or you got lucky, I should say.

[1477] Depending on your perspective.

[1478] Yeah, I mean, they didn't ask to be born a black woman.

[1479] Someone didn't ask to be born a Polynesian man. You are who you are.

[1480] You just, you are.

[1481] The real problem is people that care.

[1482] The people that look at you and go, oh, it's a fucking white man. Great.

[1483] That's what I want.

[1484] The opinion of another white man. Like, that is the real problem.

[1485] The real problem is, that's sexism.

[1486] That is racism.

[1487] And they don't even think it is because they think you're white and you have white privilege, but you're discriminating based on something that someone has zero control over.

[1488] I agree.

[1489] It's fucking horseshit.

[1490] Yeah.

[1491] It's a bummer.

[1492] I'm tired of this.

[1493] I feel bad.

[1494] And I was like, I'm just trying to tell my dick and shit jokes and get my 25 bucks and get out of here.

[1495] Yeah.

[1496] But that's like, like I said, people can look at my act and be like, he's talking about dicks and shit.

[1497] I talk about all kinds of things.

[1498] Sometimes dicks and shit, too, though.

[1499] Yeah.

[1500] Well, those are funny things.

[1501] Sometimes they need to be discussed.

[1502] Well, dicks and shits are funny.

[1503] Often.

[1504] Yeah, I have to like curb myself from having I'm like I got too many shit jokes now This is like 12 minutes.

[1505] How many you got?

[1506] I got a few I got a chunk, but it's funny Shitting's funny, you know But it's sometimes you just get on a run where that's what you're interested in Yeah, well also once you have a bit that's working you want to extend it and write other things about it So then that's the way it goes I had a time period where I had like four bits about aliens Yeah, and I was like god damn this is too much You almost once you get to a certain point you start going well can I just go all the way and just do a one -man show about aliens right go to edinburgh yeah I'll just be the alien guy yeah I bet you could you could be like uh like have a slideshow behind you yeah setty research the the fucking the big dish that you see in that movie contact Jody foster yeah I'm not familiar with that movie no I mean I'm familiar with I never I wasn't into it you didn't see that one I've never been a big alien guy no you're not a believer I feel like this is the kind of place where you could produce an alien.

[1507] I'm like, no, not really.

[1508] I can show you.

[1509] I can show you.

[1510] I can show you.

[1511] The aliens, but you're going to have to not be sober.

[1512] Oh.

[1513] Oh, you're a fully sober guy, right?

[1514] Did you used to be a not sober guy?

[1515] Yeah, I was a, yeah.

[1516] Were you a mess?

[1517] Mentally, I felt like a mess.

[1518] I mean, I never killed anybody or anything, but I was a, I mean, I'm an alcoholic, yeah.

[1519] I shit in a girl's shoe and got herpes.

[1520] Yeah, yeah, I had some fun.

[1521] Whoa.

[1522] Yeah.

[1523] A girl's shoe.

[1524] What did she do to you?

[1525] Nothing just invited me to stay at her house I don't remember doing it I was in a blackout or whatever but yeah I was all fucked up and then I woke up in I had to piss so bad I just woke up in the bed and I was like I got a pen I was like let me I don't know where I am I actually had a flight I had a cross -crow I was going to the Seattle comedy competition did you ever do that no it was like it's like a month long competition what and yeah and it's not they call it Seattle but it's like actually all over Washington state.

[1526] It's like a, you drive like three hours a night.

[1527] It's pretty crazy.

[1528] Really?

[1529] Yeah.

[1530] But I had to like be there the next day for a month.

[1531] I had like a 10 a .m. flight and I woke up at like 9 .20 in the morning in this girl's bed and I was like, I got to get the hell out of here.

[1532] But first I got to piss.

[1533] Because if I pissed in this woman's bed, it's going to be, it's going to be horrible.

[1534] So I ran to the bathroom, found the bathroom, pissed for like a half hour.

[1535] You know those?

[1536] And I'm trying to like put my shit together.

[1537] I'm all fucked up.

[1538] and then I came out into like her living room and her table had been like smashed like a Chris Farley fucking table falter and you know that feeling when you're fucked up where you look at something and you're like that was definitely me I can just feel like I'm pretty sure I'm responsible for that and then I was like I gotta go find my clothes so I went back into her room and on the way there I saw like kind of like footprints of poo and then I came in and she had a high top Nike sneaker that just had like a big dukes out there.

[1539] Yeah, and there was some little pieces around.

[1540] And then there was like a big puddle of urine, too.

[1541] Like I didn't just, because you never just shit.

[1542] So I like pissed and shit.

[1543] But I got it in a sneaker.

[1544] Like I fucking nailed it.

[1545] Well, I think, I mean, I was in a blackout.

[1546] But I think what happened was I thought it was a toilet.

[1547] Because that's not like my sense of humor.

[1548] I'm not like a, I've never been like a take a shit places.

[1549] So I think I just saw a cylinder.

[1550] Well, if it's dark, it looks, it's black and it's a hole.

[1551] How big is her fucking shoes?

[1552] She had real big feet.

[1553] It was, um, it was a big woman.

[1554] No, so I shit in there, and then.

[1555] What did, what, did you lose contact with her after this?

[1556] No, so I was like, I got to get out of here because I got to go catch this flight.

[1557] So I took my sock and put it on like a, like a puppet, like a hand puppet, a sock puppet, and just kind of picked it up that way and then turned the sock inside out.

[1558] Right.

[1559] Which like, like almost like a shit in the sun.

[1560] and threw that away, and I tried to wipe up as much of the...

[1561] Is she asleep?

[1562] No, no, they're gone.

[1563] Oh, my God.

[1564] So I thought, it's like 9 .30 in the morning.

[1565] I thought I just went so crazy that they all fled their own home.

[1566] So then I get in the cab to go to the airport.

[1567] I'm missing my flight.

[1568] And I text the girl, and I was like, I'm so, I want to kill myself.

[1569] Like, I can never, I'm so sorry.

[1570] Do you tell her that?

[1571] No, well, I figured she knew.

[1572] So she wrote back, it's okay.

[1573] It was crazy, crazy night.

[1574] It was fun or whatever.

[1575] And I was like, man, this girl must fucking party.

[1576] Like, she's just like, okay with me shitting.

[1577] I was like, this woman's wild.

[1578] So then I got to the airport, flew across the country.

[1579] Missed my flight.

[1580] I got the next flight out.

[1581] On the plane, I, like, crossed my leg at one point and realized I had shit, like, up my pant leg.

[1582] And so I had that, like, subtly put it down.

[1583] I had a middle seat for a full, because I missed my foot.

[1584] Inside or outside of your pant leg?

[1585] On the pant.

[1586] Outside of my pant leg.

[1587] How much shit?

[1588] Just like a good streak.

[1589] Like, I would say ankle to knee.

[1590] You didn't go to the bathroom?

[1591] through them and try to clean it up?

[1592] No, because I was already on the plane.

[1593] I was in a middle seat.

[1594] And it was like caked on there.

[1595] Oh, my God.

[1596] This is like hours later.

[1597] Oh, my God.

[1598] So then I landed, took the phone off of airplane mode, and had a text that was like, holy shit.

[1599] We had no idea how bad it was.

[1600] And I was like, that makes more sense.

[1601] That is a better reaction.

[1602] Yeah.

[1603] Because I thought they must, so the crazy part is I shit.

[1604] It was like nine in the morning.

[1605] They had left for work.

[1606] Are you sure that it was your shit?

[1607] Yeah, they didn't have a dog And I assume they don't just shit in their own shoes So I was, I wanted to come with it But then I was late, so I had to go straight to the show And I ended up With shit on your pants?

[1608] Yeah, yeah, with shit on my pants and my leg It was like cake to my leg hair And it was the first end of the competition No, I don't think Anybody smelled it?

[1609] I don't think they noticed Because I think it would been, I don't know No one said anything I think Joe list is funny But God, he's my shit So then I finished I took a shower finally Like 12 hours later And I was actually I remember pulling little piece of shit Out of my leg hair And it was the best shower of my life It felt like How was your set?

[1610] Good, I killed And I ended up winning that night Because each night you judge And I came in like first place It was like one of the best sets I've ever had That sounds like a real comedian You show up with shit on your legs And you win a competition You fucking kill I love it That's a good story It was pretty fun And then I ended up sending This message to these women I have the message It was on Facebook so it lives forever.

[1611] But it's about like this long.

[1612] It's like a 12 inch.

[1613] It just keeps going.

[1614] I'm like, I want to kill myself.

[1615] I don't know how this happened.

[1616] I really wanted to die.

[1617] And they were, luckily they were like 22.

[1618] They were like fresh out of college.

[1619] So they were like pretty.

[1620] L. O 'L.

[1621] Forgiving.

[1622] Yeah, but they were in their 30s.

[1623] They sent you a bunch of crying emojis?

[1624] No, they were just like.

[1625] The laughing crying one with the tears?

[1626] Yeah.

[1627] That's my favorite one.

[1628] So I sent 300 bucks in a car.

[1629] I called my friend Nate Bargatsi.

[1630] And I was like, how much is 300 bucks like a good amount and he's like he's from Tennessee he's like I don't think there's an amount you can say that's too much so I sent him a card with 300 bucks and I didn't really keep in touch with them but they were they were nice and they were like hopefully you don't get that fucked up again and then by the way I drank that and I kept drinking for two more you'd think that would be like a bottom and then I remember that night being like well I'm gonna drink again at some point I might as well so I drank for like two more years then I got herpes I tried to stop then too and then I just kept going.

[1631] Fuck it.

[1632] Yeah.

[1633] And what made you hit bottom?

[1634] I finally just, well, I fucking hated myself.

[1635] I still do a little bit, but not as much.

[1636] And I just, it wasn't fun.

[1637] I knew I had to quit.

[1638] It's like, same as food.

[1639] At some point I got to stop doing it.

[1640] This isn't a normal amount of drinking.

[1641] And then it just fucking, it kind of happened.

[1642] I tried to stop a couple times and I'd go like a few days.

[1643] And then one day it was just like a thing of like, let me, I'm going to, This is it.

[1644] I'm stopping now.

[1645] I remember my brother -in -law, his father had just died.

[1646] It was Christmas.

[1647] And I was, like, making a...

[1648] You know, when you're drunk, trying to be funny?

[1649] And I was, like, busting his balls about his dad.

[1650] And he was like, yeah, I'm upset.

[1651] I remember just feeling, like, such a fucking piece of shit.

[1652] And then, uh...

[1653] I remember, like, the day after Christmas, I was like, I kind of just blacked out Christmas.

[1654] Like, I came home, and I was like, I don't even remember what the fuck.

[1655] And I was like, I got to stop.

[1656] And then I was at Phelium in Philadelphia.

[1657] And I started...

[1658] Great club.

[1659] Yeah.

[1660] And I was with Gary Gellman.

[1661] I was opening for Gary Gellman.

[1662] Also, my career was like kind of shit.

[1663] I was like 16 years in or whatever.

[1664] Oh, actually less than that, 12 years in, I guess.

[1665] And I was like, I got to do something.

[1666] I got to turn this around.

[1667] So I just stopped and I got fucking really into it, into sobriety.

[1668] And it's like a new life.

[1669] You're like, oh, everything feels new again and fresh again.

[1670] I'm like, I'll go back to this.

[1671] I'll get into sports again.

[1672] I'll go to museums.

[1673] You're not tired all the time.

[1674] Yeah.

[1675] And then you just feel better.

[1676] Yeah, the feel better thing's huge That's the problem is you're tired all the time Like when you if you drink a lot You're always like a little bit behind the eight ball Well I would lose days of my life Because I was just hung over It felt like shit And then I realized for basically a decade I was drunk or hung over Or just foggy Like where you turn your head And it takes a moment for everything To kind of like catch up Where I was this fucking foggy And just like that deep hatred And I knew I had to go all in And like I got a I can't I'm not a guy that's like, I'll have a beer and I never had that.

[1677] Even now when I think about, I've sober almost seven years, six and a half years, even now when I think about a drink, I'm not like, it'd be fun to have a beer.

[1678] I'm like, ah, it'd be fun to have fucking 500 beers right now.

[1679] You know what I mean?

[1680] Just to go whole hog and black out again.

[1681] Yeah.

[1682] So, and then the problem was, you know, when you quit, get sober, like the first 90 days, they're like, just don't worry about anything except for not drinking, just eat whatever, do whatever.

[1683] And so I started doing that with food.

[1684] I was like, I'm eating cookies, and then I just never started.

[1685] So then I just did that for years with food, and now that's kind of caught up to me. What do you, do you think now, and how many years have been sober now?

[1686] About six and a half.

[1687] So you're just sober now.

[1688] You're cool with it.

[1689] This is who you are.

[1690] Yeah.

[1691] Imagine if you did a show called Joe List gets fucked up, where it's like you have handlers to make sure you don't shit in anybody's shoe.

[1692] Yeah.

[1693] You have everything taken care of, and you go, look, I haven't had a drink in six years, but I'm sober now.

[1694] I'm content being sober, but for tonight, and tonight only, we're having a one night.

[1695] Joe List gets fucked up special.

[1696] Yeah.

[1697] And you just started a bar and start getting hammered.

[1698] I think I would have to perform early.

[1699] Am I doing a show?

[1700] No, no, no. No, the show would be just following you around with cameras while you get blasted.

[1701] Oh, okay.

[1702] Because I was going to say, if it's a show, I'd have to do it early.

[1703] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[1704] I'd have to have, like, two beers, because then I'd be sobbing and be like, ah, my fucking...

[1705] I fell apart.

[1706] I lost it I had it I was sober for six years now I've been sober at no time zero that's the motivation one of the motivating I mean there's a lot but like the idea of going back to like um day one it's like such a which happens and it's part of getting sober and people go I don't want to disparage people that are having that happen but like it's such a bummer to fucking walk back in there and be like I got one day and you like fuck me it happens of course I knew a lot of guys who had that get sober fuck here and then dive back in and yeah I went I did well I tried early on I tried to quit drinking and then I was like oh I smoke pot though because I don't have and then you realize with wheat like I'm like oh I'm outside of my mind this is the same as I'm fucked out like well you get high enough you're like well this is not sobriety I'm fucking retarded right now right right was was your thing just not being in your mind getting outside of your mind or as your thing, blacking out and ruining your life?

[1707] Because the only thing that's good about pot is you don't feel terrible.

[1708] Yeah, well, I think I have like that addictive personality, so then I'd be high a lot.

[1709] But now it does seem like more appealing because nowadays, first of all, it's like you can go to store and there's a guy that's like, this weed makes you feel happy, this one chills you out, this one makes you gay, this one's crazy.

[1710] Like before, when I was, I just never a big weed guy, but I'd get drunk and smoke.

[1711] and sometimes you just smoke some fucking crazy demon weed and be out of your mind it was just whatever weed was just weed Now it feels like there's categories and shit Dude I did a Be Real smoke box You know Be Real from Cypress Hill I do now I know Cypress Hill Be Real is You know the guy would talk Raps in the crazy high pitch voice Dr. Feet Oh yeah yeah okay I did his smoke box And you get in this Cadillac And you smoke weed until you are no longer even a person.

[1712] You are just, you are a thought that is like a cork that's flowing down a raging river headed to a waterfall.

[1713] Like, you are so fucked up.

[1714] Yeah.

[1715] And you're trying to have a conversation and you're being filmed.

[1716] And these guys do that every day.

[1717] There's people that just get obliterated every day.

[1718] Yeah.

[1719] I think that sometimes weed, people don't take it sick because it's like it's just weed and it's natural or whatever, but sometimes there's people that I'm like, yeah, but you're fucked up all day every day.

[1720] Yeah, if you have an addictive personality and you have a problem with anything, there's a lot of people that get into that Kratom stuff.

[1721] Do you know what that stuff is?

[1722] Kratom is, it's like a plant -based, I think people are trying to call it an opiate.

[1723] I don't know if it's technically an opiate, but it's legal.

[1724] You can buy it and it helps people, and it actually alleviates a lot of the symptoms of opiates, and it acts as a mild stimulant when you take a little bit of it like if you take two pills it's like a cup of coffee it's like oh I like this is nice but then I said I wonder what it's like and I was asking a friend of mine who takes it all the time I go how much do you take?

[1725] And he's like I take 10 pills I go 10 you take 10?

[1726] I'm like what the fuck is that like so I did it I tried it I think I took 8 I don't even think I took 10 and I was fucked up I was like oh you guys are getting high yeah like this is your high I'm high right now like this is not like you're not sober don't tell me you're sober and you take an eight eight pills of cratum, like that stuff gets you high.

[1727] Right.

[1728] And you can, you can buy it legally.

[1729] But it's a weird high.

[1730] It's like, um, everything functions, like your, your muscles and your arms and everything moves the way it's supposed to.

[1731] It doesn't feel like you're uncoordinated or, or you're tripping and stumbling or anything like that.

[1732] But your brain is like, this is not sober.

[1733] It's just like screaming, this is not sober, but it's a different kind of this is not sober.

[1734] Interesting.

[1735] Yeah, you're not.

[1736] you're like I could have a conversation with you and you might not even know that I was fucked up on this stuff right and I could go lift weights I could go do something like it wouldn't it wouldn't impair like you go running on that stuff so is it like a heady buzz or like a body it's a heady thing right it's a head it's a weird one like I was really shocked at how high I got because I felt like because that's what someone said they said if you take two pills it has a mild stimulant effect similar to a cup of coffee but if you take multiple pills then it becomes more of like like a downer or Or not a downer, more relaxing, more like an opiate.

[1737] Right.

[1738] But I didn't realize how fucked up you actually get.

[1739] Like, you get pretty fucked up.

[1740] And then you get a tolerance for it.

[1741] So a lot of these guys are taking like 10 pills and then going to the gym.

[1742] And they're like, oh, I need it from my back.

[1743] I'm like, you can't be blasted.

[1744] Yeah, that's like that with booze and all drugs.

[1745] It feels like you kind of chase that thing.

[1746] I mean, that's, yeah.

[1747] Yeah, well, that's the thing, right?

[1748] It's like we were talking about with smartphones or like we were talking about with video games.

[1749] Like, things get away from you.

[1750] Yeah.

[1751] That's part of the problem of being a comic, right?

[1752] Like, all of us, there's something wrong with your brain to want to do this, right?

[1753] Yeah, I think there's definitely some sort of desire.

[1754] There's some attention you didn't get somewhere.

[1755] Something went wrong.

[1756] You're upset about it.

[1757] And so when you're not on stage or when you are, you're trying to do something else to make you forget about that.

[1758] Yeah.

[1759] Attention or affection you didn't get somewhere along the line.

[1760] Yeah, it's a fucking, if you can harness it, though, like that, I, I didn't get enough attention can be super beneficial.

[1761] It gives you insight.

[1762] Yeah.

[1763] It'll give you motivation.

[1764] If you can harness it.

[1765] Yeah.

[1766] It's interesting to go that sort of self -reflecting and therapy or whatever your method is.

[1767] Or people do it with mushrooms or whatever, but that introspective of like, oh, those moments where you're like, I'm doing that because of that, that's neat.

[1768] Yeah.

[1769] Then there's the next step of no longer doing the things you don't want to do.

[1770] because of that or the habits that you have and the next step you go to the Ram Dass Center and Malibu start doing acid oh I don't think of Malibu they have it where's it where's it oh Maui Duncan goes to Maui every year hangs out when Ram Dass and they meditate that's exciting yeah people come from all of the world to meet this guy and meditate with them yeah that's pretty amazing I listen to I love Tick Nhat Han, you know that guy?

[1771] No. Oh, he's a Buddhist monk.

[1772] I think he's about to die.

[1773] I think he's like in his 90s.

[1774] He hung out with like MLK back in the day.

[1775] N -L -K nominated him for the Nobel Peace Prize.

[1776] He's written like 70 books.

[1777] What is his name again?

[1778] Tick -N -H -H -H -H -N -H -T.

[1779] Where is he from?

[1780] He's from Vietnam, but now he's been in, he's been living in France for like, I don't know, 30 years.

[1781] He's got his own meditation center.

[1782] But he writes all these books and those videos you can find.

[1783] Do you meditate?

[1784] I do.

[1785] I try it.

[1786] Sometimes I just, I'm such a fucking anxious guy that it's sometimes hard.

[1787] But I read him a lot and Jack Cornfield is another Buddhist.

[1788] That's Tickna, huh?

[1789] Yeah.

[1790] That guy's 90 years old?

[1791] He's close.

[1792] He's in his...

[1793] Is that an old picture?

[1794] Probably.

[1795] It's great.

[1796] But I also, yeah, I mean, he's a real Zen master.

[1797] Yeah, so maybe he's going to live forever or some shit.

[1798] And then Tara Brock, I listen to her poet.

[1799] He's old as fuck now.

[1800] Her, yeah, that makes more sense.

[1801] I'll listen to her, like, guided meditation, and I'll do that.

[1802] You use an app?

[1803] I just, her podcast has like a, she does these guided ones, so not an app, but a podcast.

[1804] And then sometimes I'll just sit.

[1805] Have you ever done a float tank yet?

[1806] No, your guy, I don't know what producer, I guess, was showing it to me, but I feel like I'd have a fucking panic attack in there.

[1807] You can you just open the door any time you want.

[1808] Oh, okay.

[1809] I mean, it's not like it closes you in.

[1810] Yeah, it seems terrifying.

[1811] door just go like just like that just touch it gently it'll open it's nothing that's good to know yeah but no I've never I've never done it I should but yeah I've had um panic disorder throughout my life and I just for the first time in like a long time had a couple panic attacks last week for the first time I'm gonna two years yeah what was fucking with you I think a lot there's like uh well first of all doing this show is anxiety now I feel like we're just bullshitting I'm just trying to pretend there's not that's how it always is plethora of people listening so I'm glad that you got there because when we said in the beginning like we almost didn't start.

[1812] I was like, you want to tell people, you were telling me that you were kind of anxious.

[1813] Like, well, let's just talk.

[1814] Let's just, I want you to disarming.

[1815] Oh, well, I'm not trying to be.

[1816] I appreciate it.

[1817] I appreciate it that you are.

[1818] But I think a lot of it is like, you know, this is a huge show.

[1819] And then my wife was doing late night last night.

[1820] And then I'm on the road with Louis.

[1821] And, you know, he's this, I have a lot of, my biggest fears are being like, you know, you've disliked and wanting to be pleased people.

[1822] I'm a people pleaser.

[1823] as many alcoholics are so I feel like you feel like you're in the fire in these controversial situations and the bigger audience the more people are breaking down what you're saying and being like what's up with this fucking guy what is it like doing the road are you doing the road with Louis now yeah well we've done a few dates I've done a few dates with them it's great as the protest died down and there was we just did Acme Minneapolis I think it maxed out at eight people outside so But for the most part, it was like four or five people.

[1824] Did you say hi to them?

[1825] No, I just walked by.

[1826] I mean, I respect them for doing their, whatever they're doing.

[1827] It's misguided.

[1828] Yeah, I think.

[1829] You know what I was really angry at?

[1830] I was really angry at comedian's response to his leak set.

[1831] That was very angry about that.

[1832] Yeah, it was strange.

[1833] But I think people get pulled up into this thing.

[1834] For some reason, there's a thing now where everyone thinks they're supposed to have a take on everything.

[1835] Exactly.

[1836] No matter what happens, they're like, I better come up with a tweet or my take or anything.

[1837] Well, not only that.

[1838] It's not actually necessary.

[1839] People ask you, why don't you have a take on this?

[1840] Right.

[1841] Why haven't you tweeted about this?

[1842] Right.

[1843] Like, there was a, the Christchurch massacre happened.

[1844] And I was reading about it.

[1845] And I was like, God damn, this is fucking crazy.

[1846] And I'm reading about this.

[1847] And this guy was a white nationalist and he said hi to Pootie Pie before he went and killed all these people.

[1848] I'm like, what the fuck?

[1849] Like, what is this?

[1850] Yeah.

[1851] And then I never checked my mentions.

[1852] And then I just was, because I was on Twitter looking at all this stuff, I saw something that led to something that someone tagged me. And then I looked at my mentions for a second and like, how can you not talking about Christchurch, you racist piece of shit?

[1853] I was like, it just happened.

[1854] Yeah.

[1855] And I don't have a take.

[1856] Like, what the fuck am I supposed to say?

[1857] Rest in peace?

[1858] Like, what does anyone want you to say when a massacre happens?

[1859] This was horrible.

[1860] Everybody knows it's horrible.

[1861] Yeah, it's a weird thing now.

[1862] And if you don't denounce something, then people, you're like, then you're on board.

[1863] You're supporting it.

[1864] And you're like, I'm just trying to live my life.

[1865] Well, with me, there's been situations with just talking to people.

[1866] Like, they don't want you talking to certain people because those people are right wing or those people.

[1867] And if, oh, you must be secretly right wing.

[1868] Right.

[1869] I'm not.

[1870] I tell you I'm not.

[1871] Why don't you believe me?

[1872] It's a weird thing.

[1873] I'm a liberal guy.

[1874] I always call myself a 90s liberal.

[1875] Before everything went sideways Yeah, yeah, I'm not like Whatever You're not woke It's happening Yeah, yeah I'm a You know, yeah Alyssa Milano's calling for a sex strike Yeah, I saw that I don't think that's gonna work out Well, that's what you do When no one wants to fuck you anymore You start saying crazy shit Like we're gonna have a sex strike Ladies, you're gonna hold out Like that And Tim Poole had the best take on that He's saying so Men who agree with you won't get laid Right Like what?

[1876] It doesn't even make any sense.

[1877] But the idea that it's the same thing we're talking about earlier.

[1878] They've lumped men into this category.

[1879] Like, women are going to go on strike until we respect their reproductive rights in Georgia.

[1880] First of all, it's just Georgia.

[1881] You want to strike for the whole country that's not going to help Georgia.

[1882] I don't know if you understand voting, but that's not how it works.

[1883] There's state politics, local politics.

[1884] Second of all, like, most men don't have anything to do.

[1885] do with this?

[1886] It's not like we have men meetings where we get together and say, hey, we've got to stop these women from their exercising their reproductive rights.

[1887] So, like, you're punishing a bunch of people that have nothing to do with this because we also have penises?

[1888] Like, what, what's the thought process there?

[1889] This is so, but it's such an obvious virtue signal.

[1890] It's so obvious that this is like pussy hats and the women's market.

[1891] We're going to do this.

[1892] We're going to do this.

[1893] And then we're going to, we're going to, we're going to sex strike and a bunch of our friends probably like, yeah this is going to work like this is not how to handle things it's not us i've never voted against women's reproductive rights right so if you're telling like my wife she can't fuck me because if she does she's not down for the cause like what are you you're orchestrating everyone's sex life that's crazy yeah just gonna make people angry at you it's a little strange and i'm like i think that guy that guy's an asshole can i still get laid yeah no i think he stinks no you can't and the you know abortion's such a fucking creepy subject too because it's such a minefield Like if you're a man and you even talk about it Like first of all Why are you talking about it has nothing to do with you It's a woman's right to choose in a woman's body Like okay, I get it, yes But it's a thing So if it's a thing, you're allowed to talk about a thing Right And this thing happens to be a fetus That could become a Joe List Or a Jamie Vernon or a Joe Rogan Or who the fide, it's going to be a person Who is Jamie Vernon?

[1894] That guy right there Oh, hey Jamie young Jamie so that if as the feet is growing it will become a person now I'm not saying you shouldn't be able to terminate the pregnancy I'm not saying that but that is what it is it's going to be a person and to pretend anything else it's like they don't no one wants you to discuss it that way like no one wants you to say that this is a viable offspring it's going to be a person someday.

[1895] No one wants you to say that.

[1896] It's just there's code words like a woman's right to choose.

[1897] There's like these ways of describing it, which I agree with.

[1898] I'm not a pro -life person, a pro -choice person.

[1899] But when it gets to be like five months old and then people are saying, well, that's just a woman's right to choose.

[1900] Okay, okay, it is, it is, it is.

[1901] But that's a baby now.

[1902] But that thing could live outside the womb.

[1903] But isn't there isn't that law, I don't, I haven't read that much.

[1904] The Georgia law?

[1905] But isn't, I don't know, the Georgia love, but like this thing with now, you can late term, isn't that specifically if the baby or mother is in danger?

[1906] No. No, not everywhere.

[1907] In some places it is.

[1908] In some places, it's not.

[1909] In some place, you just have the right to have an abortion up until a certain amount of time.

[1910] And I think it varies.

[1911] I don't think there's a federal guidelines.

[1912] I think that's one of the reasons why Georgia just instituted this six -week thing.

[1913] Like, their thing is the moment the child has a heartbreak, a heartbeat.

[1914] And that apparently is six weeks in.

[1915] But sometimes people don't even find out they're pregnant until seven, eight, nine weeks in.

[1916] And then you're saying they have to carry the baby.

[1917] Yeah.

[1918] It's a fucking minefield.

[1919] Yeah, it's a hard, and like many subjects, people want it to be just kind of black and white.

[1920] Yeah, but we need to have a sex strike to sue this out.

[1921] Yeah.

[1922] That's what it is.

[1923] Girls, we're going to go on a sex strike.

[1924] How many women read that?

[1925] And we're like, yeah, none.

[1926] How about zero?

[1927] Not many.

[1928] Maybe a few thousand.

[1929] A few crazy bitches just out of their fire.

[1930] And a few men, like, yes, please take it away from me. Please, let me show my virtue.

[1931] Let me show my virtue.

[1932] Yeah, I imagine it's a small amount.

[1933] Imagine being her husband.

[1934] She's like, we're going on a sex strike.

[1935] That's it, sex strike.

[1936] And he sees the fucking the Twitter post.

[1937] And she made a poster for it with the little fucking pink ribbon and shit.

[1938] Like, good Christ.

[1939] He's probably like, he's probably like talking to his lawyer.

[1940] Like, what, okay, what would I lose?

[1941] okay if we left if I left right now like how much what would I have to pay like what if she can test that okay and then how much of the legal fees how many what is like an average amount of time you have to spend in court my it's all men they all did it no sex for any men until we get our rights well it's a very similar I mean isn't that the mindset of racism yes exactly it's a very similar mindset of like oh someone was murdered These, you know, six guys in the train were yelling at me. Exactly.

[1942] No more Latinos on the train.

[1943] Yeah, 100%.

[1944] It's the same thing, generalizations.

[1945] And the idea that you have anything to do with other males.

[1946] And it's even crazier than racism because it's like the whole gender.

[1947] It's the whole gender.

[1948] It's like not just like just white guys suck.

[1949] No, it's like fucking everybody sucks.

[1950] Nobody gets any pussy.

[1951] Right.

[1952] Until we sort this out.

[1953] Yeah.

[1954] But do you think maybe part of it is just that?

[1955] What is this, Jamie?

[1956] Oh, this is Bridget.

[1957] My friend Bridget Fantasy.

[1958] Oh, that's hilarious.

[1959] She said someone tell Alyssa Milano's husband to call me. But you know what's funny is...

[1960] She liked it.

[1961] Yeah, she liked it.

[1962] Alyssa Milano liked it.

[1963] Well, that's a good joke.

[1964] She's got it.

[1965] It is.

[1966] She's funny.

[1967] Bridget Fantasy is very funny.

[1968] But she's got to know that was a ridiculous thing to say.

[1969] Sometimes you swing and you miss. Just like sometimes you have a joke that you try out and it bombs.

[1970] Of course.

[1971] Well, fuck this joke.

[1972] Yeah.

[1973] I've been on jokes where I'm like, oh, no one even realized an attempted humor had just been Those are weird where you're like, oh, sorry.

[1974] You know, it's weird when a line kills at one show and then dies at the next show.

[1975] No, it's amazing.

[1976] And you're like, I swear that's the same joke.

[1977] Yeah, it's crazy.

[1978] Sometimes bits just work for like weeks.

[1979] And then they go away.

[1980] And then they stop and you're like, what the fuck happened here?

[1981] I think it's your enthusiasm for them.

[1982] Yeah, I think that's part of it.

[1983] Yeah.

[1984] And it feels more fresh at the beginning.

[1985] Yeah, you start faking the funk and the crowd starts to smell it.

[1986] Yeah.

[1987] You don't give a fuck about this subject.

[1988] they can smell it on me what movie is this they can smell it on me sure is that dog can smell it anybody what is that that was uh Tim Roth and Reservoir Docks oh really I do one impression and it's Tim Roth and Reservoir Dogs and it's not even great fuck you I'm fucking dying here because he's like British but he's doing an American accent so sometimes it kind of sounds weird they can smell it on me that's when he's in the the drug deal oh yeah telling that story That was a good fucking movie.

[1989] I love that movie.

[1990] I met Quentin Tarantino.

[1991] He's an odd fellow.

[1992] He's a wonderful artist, but yeah, he sounds a little bizarre.

[1993] He's very odd.

[1994] He's a fantastic director, but he had a bombshell with him.

[1995] Oof!

[1996] I was like to be...

[1997] Oh, oh, the woman.

[1998] What that guy looks like to be with her.

[1999] Like, woo, boy, did you figure it out.

[2000] Okay.

[2001] I'm not good at impressions.

[2002] I'm really bad at impressions.

[2003] So were you pissed off when that Louis C .K. recording got released and comics were denouncing it.

[2004] Yeah, it was weird.

[2005] I mean, it's a bummer.

[2006] First of all, people, a lot of people were like, these aren't even jokes.

[2007] He's not even joking anymore.

[2008] And you're like, no, no, they're jokes.

[2009] Like, I understand if you're, um, don't like it or you're offended, but you're like, they're definitely jokes.

[2010] He's on stage.

[2011] He doesn't really think that they threw a fat kid in front of them.

[2012] And that's not how he feels.

[2013] He's saying something that's fucked up and funny.

[2014] And it's funny because.

[2015] it's fucked up because you're not supposed to say it, which is the exact thing he's done his whole career.

[2016] Right.

[2017] And it's a new bit.

[2018] It wasn't supposed to be heard outside of that.

[2019] It wasn't done.

[2020] And for these people, look, there's a lot of times you'll say something one way and then you're like, ah, it's not working.

[2021] And then you'll figure out another way to sneak in through the back door and it works way and then if they heard the first way and like this joke sucks, like, no, no, no, I figured out I'll say it later, but now it's already on YouTube.

[2022] You've ruined the material.

[2023] Yeah, I mean, he dropped the bit because it's.

[2024] It's kind of like...

[2025] Yeah, it's out there too much.

[2026] But...

[2027] But...

[2028] He had a fucking hilarious line.

[2029] If you ever want people to forget about you jerking off, make jokes about kids getting shot.

[2030] Yeah.

[2031] There's also a funny line where he's like, why are you in a suit, which is funny?

[2032] But yeah, and then people were talking about how now the parents have to hear this and stuff.

[2033] And you're like, well, they weren't going to.

[2034] You took it and put it out.

[2035] And then CBS picked it up and put it on CBS.

[2036] So now they're hearing it.

[2037] But before that, there was just 180 people in Long Island hearing it and...

[2038] Yeah.

[2039] Which of what it was supposed to be.

[2040] But the thing about working on material is if you like comedy, you can't release people shit like that.

[2041] Because you're never going to get good comedy.

[2042] Because everyone's going to, like, every time Dave Chappelle does a, you know, a workout set or anybody, you're going to get these half -cooked bits.

[2043] And then you're going to release them.

[2044] And it's going to ruin it for you.

[2045] It's going to ruin it for the people that live.

[2046] Listen, it's like, for the people that are in the room, that's for them.

[2047] Right.

[2048] If you're taking it out, like, and there's been a lot of talk about Louis making this copyright thing saying that, you know, that they will take legal action if you print or you do anything to record or do anything to put the material online.

[2049] Right.

[2050] And someone's saying he can't do that.

[2051] I'm like, well, why can he do that?

[2052] The difference between that and music, like, if you go to hear someone sing a song and you write down the lyrics, go, oh, my God, Gary Clark Jr. has this amazing.

[2053] new song here's the lyrics that doesn't ruin the song right but if you say oh he's got this hilarious joke and the twist is he says this well you just fucked that bit up for everyone that's ever going to listen to it read that right yeah it's uh it's frustrating it was a frustrating and then people start being like he's all right now he's gonna do and you're like no he's not people are goddamn crazy but the comedians that denounced it were embarrassing it's like do you not know what a workout set is do you understand this guy was out of comedy for almost a year?

[2054] Do you know that this guy was doing a fucking hour after being out of comedy for almost a year?

[2055] Fuck you.

[2056] Stop pretending that what you do is different.

[2057] Stop.

[2058] And so many people were doing it and it turned out that they had a bunch of jokes that were awful or about a mass shooting or about pulling your dick out in front of someone or about anything along those lines.

[2059] It's also a bad precedent to start where I'm like, do we really want to start publicly shitting on comics unfinished?

[2060] bits?

[2061] Exactly.

[2062] That seems like, because I don't want that.

[2063] No, especially not.

[2064] I saw a list at the fucking seller and he's got this hack, and you're like, give me a moment.

[2065] Or tell me behind the closed doors that like my bits hacky or something.

[2066] How long is you're a bit ready before, like, do you have a Comedy Central special?

[2067] You have something, right?

[2068] I did it.

[2069] I have a Netflix half hour and I did a Comedy Central half hour.

[2070] Okay.

[2071] So how long did you have to work on those bits before you were ready to put them on Comedy Central or Netflix?

[2072] Quite a while.

[2073] I like to do it.

[2074] a bit at least three months before it's somewhere.

[2075] Yeah, it's got to be cussed.

[2076] The very least.

[2077] Yeah, yeah.

[2078] And it depends on the bit, right?

[2079] Some bits are pretty fucking good a couple weeks in.

[2080] Yeah, yeah.

[2081] Other bits are, I've got a couple bits of my act now, and I'm like, this motherfucker needs an overhaul, and I don't even know where to start.

[2082] Yeah, I've had bits that I did, I've done for two years, and then you finally find a line, you're like, ah, there we go.

[2083] That was it.

[2084] And then you're like, now it's more of a bit.

[2085] Exactly.

[2086] Because it takes, it takes time to figure it out.

[2087] But yeah, it's comic.

[2088] should, but I understand people hate Lewin, they're going to hate him, so whatever he does or says they're going to be upset.

[2089] I don't even believe they hate him.

[2090] I don't believe it.

[2091] You know what I think a lot of it is?

[2092] I think people are justifiably upset at the idea of him jerking off in front of women that didn't want him to.

[2093] Here's, there's a couple factors to that though.

[2094] One is that he asked.

[2095] You know, yeah, it's a weird thing to want to do jerk off in front of people, but he asked.

[2096] And a lot of these stories, the way you're getting the version of it, it's like worst case scenario.

[2097] It's like he blocked the door.

[2098] He didn't block any doors.

[2099] You know, and they were laughing.

[2100] Like, people were joking around.

[2101] Like, it became this traumatic thing years later talking about it after the fact.

[2102] But then on top of that, it's like, God, don't you think the guy has suffered enough?

[2103] Like, when is he suffering enough?

[2104] You see this lack of empathy with people where they don't even want to respect that he's a human being.

[2105] They don't want to appreciate any of his old work.

[2106] They don't want to, they don't have any.

[2107] anything that he could do that would make them just go, all right, well, I know you're not going to do that again, and you seem like a reasonable person.

[2108] It's like, you can't be your past.

[2109] You're not the guy who's shitting that sneaker, right?

[2110] You're Joe List today.

[2111] Yeah.

[2112] Nobody wants to be remembered for the worst thing they did.

[2113] And it's, I think it's just a thing where they know it's an easy target.

[2114] I really do.

[2115] I think at a certain point in time, people just decide that this is a guy that you can take a free shot at and you can shit on him and you can attribute things to him that aren't true you can attribute a bunch of things to him that are not accurate right and it's easy like like calling him all right or saying louis ck showing his true colors now jesus christ go back and watch his bit about hitting a deer okay it's a fucking ridiculous really funny material and that's what i enjoyed about his act right this that that bit if left alone i mean it's an out of his act now but if left alone in X amount of time he would have crafted that into a great bit I'm sure of it Yeah I agree And there was a bunch of shitty Fucking half -ass comics That came out and we're talking trash about it And I was like you guys should shut the fuck up Because this whole art form Is about trial and error This whole art form is about being able to work It's one of the rare things that we need a crowd In order to for these things to come alive We need it And you have to take chances.

[2116] I just saw, ironically, with Louis, we went and saw Apocalypse Now during the Tribeca Film Festival, and Francis Ford Coppola was there, and he came out, and he spoke about the film beforehand and after, and Robert Duval was also there, and he came out and went, Charlie, don't surf!

[2117] It was amazing.

[2118] And it was really unbelievable, but Coppola was talking after the film, and he was like, I don't know, you know the whole story about Apocalypse Now, like, that documentary Hearts of Darkness, which is amazing.

[2119] And, like, he put, like, his house up for sale, to like, or put everything on the line to make the movie himself.

[2120] And he was just talking about you have to take chances with art. He's like, there's no art without taking big chances.

[2121] Yeah.

[2122] And, I mean, that's, you're taking a chance by doing a joke.

[2123] I mean, I wouldn't do a joke about the Parkland shooting.

[2124] I wouldn't either.

[2125] But, you know, it's a risk and it might go bad.

[2126] And it went well.

[2127] He got laughs.

[2128] Yeah, it got laughs.

[2129] But certainly if you take anything outside of a comedy class.

[2130] comedy club and put it out in the public it's not for those people it's for the people that bought the ticket well it's also in context of the experience of being in a comedy club having a couple drinks of watching a hilarious guy talk some shit especially a guy coming back after a national scandal right worldwide scandal yes you know and it's just look I wouldn't joke around about them getting shot either but one of the things that made that bit work was that yes it was a horrible tragedy yes those kids went through that yes their team teenagers, yes, they're trying to figure out life, and they're being interviewed on CNN, and some of them are changing their opinions, and they're developing and growing as we speak.

[2131] But, like, one of them, like, the David Hogg guy, he wrote, fuck the patriarchy on his Twitter the other day.

[2132] Like, that was his tweet, like, and not even as a joke.

[2133] Like, that's an 18 -year -old.

[2134] That's what kids do, right?

[2135] Yeah.

[2136] They say silly shit.

[2137] That's why the bit worked.

[2138] Right.

[2139] Because he was like, why are you interesting?

[2140] Right.

[2141] You know, like, why do I have to hear from you?

[2142] but well you have to hear from them because their friends got shot me but no one obviously like that's not this is not a conversation this is stand -up comedy it's an art form and saying things that are funny that are fucked up that's part of the art form and if you deny that either that's not the kind of comedy you like or you don't appreciate what comedy is yeah and also it's a weird thing where I'm like I'm for those kids I'm like yeah it's great like this horrible thing happened and you're like we're going to use what power we have I'm like I think that's great.

[2143] Yes.

[2144] And they might actually fucking do something.

[2145] I mean, it's like they're making changes, and I'm like, that's like fucking power to the people.

[2146] God bless you.

[2147] But I can still laugh at a joke about it.

[2148] It's still funny to me to see someone be like, why are you in a serious?

[2149] Both things can exist.

[2150] You can have empathy for murder victims and even be like, ruling for me like, wow, that's amazing what these kids are doing.

[2151] And still laugh at a joke.

[2152] And still be like, ah, that's funny.

[2153] It's funny.

[2154] It's not his best joke.

[2155] but it wasn't done you fucks and here's the other thing like do you know what brian holsman is I don't think so got to see him when you're in town if you can he's fucking hilarious he's a legitimate maniac he's a legend in Los Angeles when I started the comedy store in 94 he was already there and he's really fucking funny but he had remember when Susan Smith drowned her kids that lady she pushed her fucking car into the river or something and drowned her kids no but it sounds hilarious he was on stage a very short amount of time after he's going ladies and gentlemen i heard those were bad kids he goes i heard they sat that close to the tv they never put away their blocks they're always spilling their fucking milk those kids will not be missed yeah and you were just like what it's not he didn't really think those were bad kids yeah it's a fucked up thing to say that happens to be funny yeah you might not be into that kind of humor that's okay well that's part of i think what comedy is or has always been is saying a thing you're not supposed to say that's like to me the very idea of comedy yes is you're saying abnormal things right like you talking about coming in your own face and whatever or someone coming in your face yeah you're not supposed to express your sexually desires so openly it's not it's not that you really mean that i do not it's funny right right i think so right it's a art form that is often cited or quoted as if it's a statement you know like he said this like Yet he said that on stage in a comedy club as a part of a big giant chunk about this.

[2156] And you're taking it out of context and you do it in the worst possible way.

[2157] You put it in print.

[2158] Of course it looks terrible.

[2159] Yeah.

[2160] Of course it looks terrible in print.

[2161] Because it's not in a comedy club, but it's not in context.

[2162] It's like that has no relationship to the actual bit itself.

[2163] Your print version of it, it's not, it's a lie.

[2164] You should go to jail for saying that's the joke.

[2165] You're a liar.

[2166] You're a liar.

[2167] you're defaming someone you're taking what they're doing and you're pretending that what they were saying is what they mean right you know that's not what they mean that's like you don't care remember that uh lenny boots and that's in the movie lenny i think where he talked about they were like reading his act yes and he's like but you're not saying it right yes exactly exactly it's the same thing it's look no one thinks school shootings are a good thing no one does no one does they're doing jokes about it because we know it's a horrible tragedy that's why jokes work and they don't they don't work because you're mean they don't work because you're horrible they work because everyone knows you're joking if everybody really thought you were a horrible person and you were happy that people get shot they wouldn't laugh at a goddamn thing you said right that's it's a it's a fucking weird art form it's a weird art form and for it to be dismantled and disrespected the way it is where people are what people break down people's bits and and take them out of context like that it's it's so foolish and the fact that people don't stand up for it that are in the art form itself that drives me fucking crazy it drove me angry there's a bunch of people that I won't even talk to anymore I'm like I'm not talking to you anymore like this is what you're going to do if I do a bit that's half cooked and and then you're going to talk shit about me right like this you're doing this for your own favor you're not doing this this for the art form.

[2168] You're not doing, you're not an empathetic person.

[2169] You're not looking at him as a human being saying, well, clearly the guy fucked up.

[2170] He made some mistakes.

[2171] And, oh, that bit was but look, if you listen to that set, that's a good set, especially for a guy who's been out of comedy for almost a fucking year.

[2172] Yeah, it's got it's gotten a lot stronger.

[2173] I'm sure.

[2174] He's a hilarious comedian.

[2175] I mean, he's going to get to a point where he's got a real motherfucker of an hour and then someone's going to have to figure out whether or not they're willing to take a chance and put it on.

[2176] Well, it's like you were talking about earlier, too.

[2177] I mean, you can also just put it on his website or YouTube or whatever.

[2178] Yes, I hope he does that.

[2179] You know, I mean, it's this idea that he should be punished for eternity.

[2180] It's like, what are we Catholics?

[2181] Like, what's going on here?

[2182] Like, what is this?

[2183] You know, what did he do?

[2184] I mean, he did something that wound up costing him $35 million, a massive public shame still to this day more than, it's almost like two years later.

[2185] What's it like a year and a half now?

[2186] Yes, November.

[2187] It's November 2017.

[2188] I mean, what the fuck?

[2189] Like, what do you want them to do?

[2190] You know, I mean, we're not talking about Harvey Weinstein here.

[2191] And this idea that you're, you know, you're not even supposed to compare offenders.

[2192] You're not supposed to make judgment calls.

[2193] Well, of course you are.

[2194] That's why some people go to jail for life.

[2195] And some people go to jail for two years.

[2196] And this is the reason why we have lesser punishments for lesser crimes.

[2197] Right, right.

[2198] Yeah, there's a system in place.

[2199] If you ask people, if you can jerk off in front of them, and they say no, and you don't jerk off in front of them, good for you.

[2200] You've got some restraint.

[2201] If you ask people, if you can jerk off in front of it and they say yes, and you do it.

[2202] Like, maybe it's a weird thing to do, but you're not Bill Cosby, okay?

[2203] To say that you're not supposed to make these comparisons.

[2204] It's like, this is a loaded subject, too, right?

[2205] We're talking about this, and I see you're nervous.

[2206] Oh, yeah, I'm terrified.

[2207] But, yeah, no, I love Louis.

[2208] I love Louis, too.

[2209] He's a great comic.

[2210] Yeah, he's a great guy also.

[2211] But, yeah, I understand people are upset.

[2212] I get it.

[2213] I get it.

[2214] But I think it's disproportionate.

[2215] I really do.

[2216] You know, I have a degree wholeheartedly.

[2217] But, yeah.

[2218] How long do you think it's going to be before people just let it go?

[2219] Well, I think there's actually the group of people that are really upset about it, I think it's probably like a quarter of a million people.

[2220] That's a lot of people.

[2221] It's a lot of people, but there's like 300 million people in the country.

[2222] Maybe it's less than a quarter of a million.

[2223] It's, I don't, I think it's the minority.

[2224] So you think most people are like, ah, he did something crazy.

[2225] But the other thing is, like, you want to kind of see the guy who jerked off in front of women.

[2226] So people want to go see him live.

[2227] I mean, he's a great comic stuff.

[2228] But, I mean, the shows, I mean, I'll read Twitter and stuff.

[2229] Sometimes I'll go on, we'll hang out and I'll just search his name to see.

[2230] Like, one time we went out to eat in New York, and there was a kid, you know, like a hipstery kid.

[2231] He looked similar to me, actually.

[2232] But, like, a young kid, and he stopped and just, like, stared at us and was like, and he started taking photos and then he left and then I looked up Louis's name on Twitter and I found the kid and he wrote just all caps just gave Louis the finger which he didn't he didn't give us a finger and then he wrote he's virtue signaling and then he wrote attention NYU students this is all caps Louis CK is in the neighborhood make him uncomfortable exclamation point we were like that's like psychotic but that's what I was talking about earlier that I think he's a target and I think they just decided that this is what they're going to do now.

[2233] Yeah.

[2234] Like that guy, it was saying that he gave you the finger when he didn't.

[2235] The virtue signaling aspect of it is one of the weirdest parts about social media because it's people that ordinarily, like in a real word scenario, you have an opportunity to say something if you really feel so compelled, the guy's right in front of you.

[2236] You don't say shit.

[2237] And then you get online and tell other people to do it.

[2238] Right.

[2239] Other people to make him uncomfortable?

[2240] Well, for the most part, yeah, we'll go around and it is, everything is, it's a weird thing about online.

[2241] Most people are much different person because you realize it's a human being i think the natural thing is like oh this is a person exactly and then you know we'll go to like these kind of hipstery coffee shops where you think that that kind of person would be and he goes hi how are you can i get a uh car and they go oh sure yeah that nobody i mean people will get dirty looks and stuff here and there's way more online than than not online but that's the shows all the shows are all selling out and there's a few people outside um has he ever talked to those people outside or does you just get in no i don't think so How does he get in?

[2242] This is kind of a back door.

[2243] We just went in the back.

[2244] And, you know, good for them.

[2245] I think that they're misguided, like he said.

[2246] Yeah.

[2247] I think they want him to be this evil person they should be protesting against.

[2248] But I think if you look at it on paper, what he did was just not good.

[2249] It's like, it's, you know, the worst that I had heard was that some people's careers had suffered because they were talking about it.

[2250] Right.

[2251] But I don't know how much.

[2252] much of that is accurate.

[2253] I don't, I need to find out about that.

[2254] Yeah, I don't, I don't know either.

[2255] I don't know the whole thing.

[2256] I always feel like I love Louie.

[2257] He's one of my best friends now, which is weird to say, but we're close.

[2258] But I don't really begrudge the women.

[2259] I think that two different people can have the same experience and take different things from it, feel different ways.

[2260] That's true.

[2261] And I understand sexuality is weird.

[2262] So like they could in the moment, and his perception might be, well, they said yes.

[2263] And I think he kind of talks about this.

[2264] a little bit on stay.

[2265] And I don't want to tell his stories to tell.

[2266] But I think one person can be like, I thought they were into it.

[2267] I thought they were saying yes and they're into it.

[2268] And those women can say, can feel, yeah, we kind of said yes, but we felt fucked up and pressured.

[2269] Two people can have the same experience and have different perspective.

[2270] So I don't begrudge any of the women.

[2271] I understand that they are hurt and feel mistreated.

[2272] Well, even if you say yes, you're still, and you see something you didn't want to see, You're like, whoa, and then you can never unsee it.

[2273] It's like it's in your head.

[2274] Yeah, I understand they're affected by it.

[2275] Does he ever jerk off in front of you?

[2276] No, I keep asking.

[2277] You won't do it?

[2278] No, no, I ask him to come on my face.

[2279] Maybe he has to ask first.

[2280] Maybe that's his thing.

[2281] Maybe I initially I blew it.

[2282] Yeah, maybe you have to, like, pretty shy.

[2283] Yeah.

[2284] So you know what I would hate if you jerked off in front of me?

[2285] Say, like, drop in.

[2286] Yeah, yeah, maybe I will.

[2287] But he's a good person and a great dad, and I love him.

[2288] I love the guy.

[2289] Yeah, everybody wants to erase everything he's ever done.

[2290] So, like, didn't FX, like, not just cancel it, but they made the show unavailable?

[2291] Yeah, I think you can get it on iTunes, but, yeah, it's done.

[2292] And then, I think he's still on Netflix, though.

[2293] Yeah, he can still see it.

[2294] Yeah, you can still see.

[2295] But they canceled the new one that he was going to do.

[2296] Yeah, and then pets, too, they dropped out of them.

[2297] Yeah.

[2298] So it was a bummer.

[2299] But it's weird, but people, I mean, shouldn't we be empathetic to all?

[2300] people yes I think we should I think we should and I think you know maybe it would serve him if he went out and talked about it extensively like had a conversation about like maybe videotaped it or something I mean I don't know like if people had his take on it other than that little letter that he wrote right after it happened yeah maybe that would help yeah which I thought was a good um apology a good statement I thought yeah some people will never be happy and some people were happy with it and some people just felt like it wasn't enough that you know he didn't specifically say i am sorry you know i feel horrible i'm sorry i did this he basically said he did it and those stories are true and that he fucked up and he thought that they you know he thought that by them saying yes that that was okay but meanwhile he took advantage of the fact they admired him yeah and he's very yeah he expressed regret people are like but like he said People are going to be unhappy no matter what, no matter what.

[2301] No, even if he said, I am sorry.

[2302] That's not good enough.

[2303] You're only sorry because you got caught.

[2304] Like, people, they're always going to have, there's some people that are just not empathetic.

[2305] And this is what I really got very angry about with the leak of the recording.

[2306] I'm like, yeah, it's not his best material.

[2307] Of course it's not.

[2308] He hasn't done comedy in 10 months.

[2309] Like, when I was hearing it from other comedians, I'm like, do you, how do you do this?

[2310] Don't you do the same thing we do?

[2311] Right.

[2312] Like, what are you doing?

[2313] He's a fucking person.

[2314] He's a human being.

[2315] He's a year and a half of him being stared at everywhere he goes and fucked with.

[2316] He gets it.

[2317] And losing friends?

[2318] Yes.

[2319] I'm sure.

[2320] Yeah.

[2321] But those friends, if he lost some friends, he's better off.

[2322] If he lost friends because of that, like if that was Ari, I would call him up.

[2323] Like, if there was a New York Times article about Ari Jerking off.

[2324] in front of people, I'd be like, bro, I'm a little hurt.

[2325] You never jerked out in front of me. I feel like, I wouldn't, if he's like, I got fucked up.

[2326] Like, I've had conversations with Ari about things where, you know, he's like, oh, I fucked up.

[2327] I shouldn't have done that.

[2328] That was a bitch move.

[2329] Like, he'll tell you.

[2330] Yeah.

[2331] You know, like, you can't do anything.

[2332] Like, once you're my friend, like, unless you're out there murdering kids or something or doing something really fucked up or actually raping someone.

[2333] Yeah.

[2334] Any friends that Louis lost for that?

[2335] Like, come on, man. What did you think?

[2336] Do you think it was a perfect person?

[2337] He's a nut.

[2338] He's a maniac.

[2339] A goddamn professional comedian.

[2340] Right, right.

[2341] You know?

[2342] Yeah, we're flawed people.

[2343] Yeah, that's how it all comes out good.

[2344] It's like there's got to be something fucked up about your head where you can come up with these.

[2345] And another one that drives me crazy is these guys who you know are freaks and they're out of their fucking mind offstage.

[2346] But on stage, they have like sort of a more squeaky clean thing and they're public.

[2347] thing is more squeaky clean and they're judgmental about it.

[2348] I'm like oh my god like please stop you're fucking crazy as anybody you just have a good squeaky clean act so shut your hole yeah sometimes I think the people with the cleanest acts are the wildest animals it's often the case yeah it's often the case yeah which is fine man like perfect examples Brian regan in a good way he is so fucking funny and so clean the funniest and you go this guy's got to be fucked up There's got to be something wrong with you.

[2349] Nothing.

[2350] Hang out with him.

[2351] Super normal.

[2352] Friendly guy.

[2353] Nice to everybody.

[2354] Great guy.

[2355] The nicest guy.

[2356] What is in your dungeon, sir?

[2357] One time we were hanging out, and he was smoking a cigar, and I thought it would be funny to say, hey, can I get a little bit of that cigar?

[2358] That's such a ridiculous.

[2359] And he was like, oh, sure.

[2360] And I was like, what?

[2361] I'm kidding.

[2362] I wouldn't put my mouth on your cigar.

[2363] But you would have a joint.

[2364] You do with a joint.

[2365] Yeah.

[2366] Which I thought was strange, too.

[2367] And a blunt.

[2368] You do it with a blunt, which is kind of half joint, half cigar.

[2369] Yeah, maybe actually, I'm the asshole in this.

[2370] story maybe he's not even that nice it's just a normal no that is a weird thing to ask a cigar feels very personal too and you're like it's yours for like an hour exactly yeah joints is kind of a quick well yeah joints too hits like if you have a whole joint to yourself you're greedy yeah there's also there's like a camaraderie thing that comes from smoking joints together yeah I agree yeah no Brian I'm back did ready no that's them right here it's all over the place oh wow this is all filled with weed this see that chest over there that's a full chest filled with weed.

[2371] Isn't that, couldn't you get in trouble for that?

[2372] No, it's legal.

[2373] But with that much, couldn't they get you for intent to distribute or something?

[2374] It's legal here.

[2375] Really?

[2376] You can just have a case?

[2377] Yeah, marijuana is legal.

[2378] But like guns are illegal, but that guy had a thousand.

[2379] Yeah, but that guy had illegal sales.

[2380] He was selling guns.

[2381] I see.

[2382] They got tipped off that he was a dealer.

[2383] He's probably selling it to gang members and drug dealers and such.

[2384] Oh, no. Oh, my.

[2385] Dun, dun, dun, do you think about having just a little weed, just a little touch?

[2386] Or would you just go start shooting heroin like immediately afterwards?

[2387] No, I don't think I would do that but I don't think if weed does not as much excite me or anything.

[2388] What does?

[2389] Drinking?

[2390] Yeah, I mean, I love drinking.

[2391] A couple tequila shots.

[2392] I mean, I drank.

[2393] I mean, I still, I joke about it.

[2394] Like I love my sobriety but like one and a half Vicodin and three beer was like the best I've ever felt ever in your life.

[2395] Yeah, and like a cigar.

[2396] What time?

[2397] I went to Baghdad.

[2398] did like a U .S .O thing with Nate Bargetzi.

[2399] And we had like, we bought Cubans and I had some, I took like a Vicodin.

[2400] I don't know if he did.

[2401] I don't want to, I don't think he did.

[2402] But I had like a Vicodin.

[2403] We had a couple beers and a cigar.

[2404] We had Saddam Hussein's Palace.

[2405] And in the moment, I was like, this is the best I've ever felt.

[2406] Did you do stand up over there?

[2407] Yeah.

[2408] What is it like doing stand up for the troops over there?

[2409] It was fun.

[2410] It was the most grateful audience.

[2411] They were like so nice and kind.

[2412] It was really cool.

[2413] I mean, some of it sucked because some of it.

[2414] was like two in the afternoon and there's like 12 guys it's fucking 100 degrees they're holding rifles being like what the fuck is this that was the show a couple of them yeah some of them were like the ones in Kuwait were better because that was like not a war zone um and you're on a base and they'd be like 100 people but some of them were like just in the middle of like 11 o 'clock in the morning in the middle of fucking Baghdad wow but it was pretty amazing like we got to fly on these blackhawks and we were in Baghdad we went by the those cross swords and stuff where the statue was pulled down and shit.

[2415] What did you do when you were in Saddam Hussein's palace?

[2416] That became like an American base.

[2417] We stayed there.

[2418] Wow.

[2419] Yeah, it's kind of fucking...

[2420] You stayed in Saddam Hussein's palace.

[2421] Yeah, yeah.

[2422] It's pretty crazy.

[2423] Did you jerk off in Saddam Hussein's palace?

[2424] I don't think I did.

[2425] I think Nate and I shared a room and I asked and he said no. I would have to.

[2426] I think I'd feel compelled.

[2427] I'd be like, bro, you're going to have to leave the room.

[2428] I got a goal.

[2429] I got to check something off the list.

[2430] It's a bizarre feeling because, you know, it was like...

[2431] you know we took over and then just made this palace into a base and there's like a driving range you can like hit into like his prayer pond or whatever whatever the fuck it's like reflection pool he's got a prayer pond filled with golf balls yeah that's hilarious and they sell cubans and like the lobby oh america yeah we're something we're pretty cool we are fucking something yeah um but no it was amazing it was awesome one time we were on the black hawk helicopter and they shoot flares out for whatever i can't remember why on every flight but they didn't tell us that so all of a sudden you just hear like And you feel the heat And I thought we were in a fucking battle Like I almost shit my pit Like it felt like You know when you don't have to shit And all of a sudden you're like There's a shit I could shit right now Yeah It was that feeling You body tries to evacuate anything in there Because it thinks it's in danger Yeah so like we want to be able to run Let's get on the fecal manner out When you get really nervous like that You immediately have to piss and shit Yeah I just took a huge shit right before this show Did you use the little buttons on the toilet To shoot water up your asshole?

[2432] It wasn't here I was afraid you'd beat me up If I shit So was at the Starbucks You know who did do that?

[2433] James Brown, that's one of the ways he got arrested.

[2434] He shot at someone who used his toilet.

[2435] Oh, I think he made a shoot out with the cops.

[2436] And I wish.

[2437] There's a picture of him, his mugshot, right out there, was from that arrest.

[2438] Wow.

[2439] Yeah.

[2440] Yeah, I shit at Starbucks.

[2441] I was at the Starbucks.

[2442] Across the street, by the way.

[2443] Like a homeless cooties.

[2444] I was in line and like a dude, a white dude with a skateboard just cut.

[2445] in front of me in the line.

[2446] It's very bizarre.

[2447] And I said, what?

[2448] I'm in, I'm next.

[2449] And he's like, can I just buy some gum?

[2450] He was buying Starbucks gum, which is already a red flag.

[2451] And I was like, I guess.

[2452] I mean, I was in line.

[2453] He's like, I didn't even if you were working five minutes.

[2454] Wow, what a dick.

[2455] I didn't know you could do that.

[2456] You can't do that.

[2457] I was like, I was like, I don't have to be anywhere.

[2458] Especially if he talked to you like that.

[2459] I was early.

[2460] But yeah, he looked at me like I was an asshole.

[2461] Yeah, he's a dick.

[2462] And I was like, maybe you shouldn't be buying gum.

[2463] Also, maybe you might want to find a different means.

[2464] of transportation than a skateboard.

[2465] Yeah, you late fuck.

[2466] Yeah, you fucking late loser.

[2467] I'm going to be at work in five minutes and I need gum.

[2468] What do you do?

[2469] Do you talk clothes for a living?

[2470] Yeah, you fucking jerk.

[2471] If you're listening, he probably listens to it.

[2472] He doesn't know.

[2473] He doesn't know.

[2474] He didn't know where I was going.

[2475] He didn't know.

[2476] He's probably like, I'm so sorry, bro.

[2477] Yeah.

[2478] I didn't want to get knocked at work.

[2479] I'm going to get in trouble, man. Yeah, I hate that.

[2480] What was the last time he had a job?

[2481] 2007.

[2482] Would you do?

[2483] I worked at Sears.

[2484] I did Loss Prevention.

[2485] It was amazing.

[2486] It was one of the best day jobs ever.

[2487] Really?

[2488] Well, my cousin was the boss, which helped, and he let me work from 10 to 6, which is great comedy hours.

[2489] And then we were, like, plain clothed, I guess, just...

[2490] Oh, so you just walked around and busted people stealing.

[2491] Yeah, it had, like, a little radio on the belt, and then we had a crazy camera system for 2007.

[2492] Like, it was...

[2493] I think we had 82 cameras, and you could zoom and you just watch people all day, and then you'd walk around the store and be like, We got to keep an eye on the camera 11.

[2494] So you're like a secret agent.

[2495] It was fun.

[2496] It was really fun.

[2497] And we got to stop shoplifters and shit.

[2498] It was amazing.

[2499] I actually miss it.

[2500] It was really fun.

[2501] Wow.

[2502] I used to work for a private investigator.

[2503] Similar.

[2504] It actually turned out it was one of those people where you meet and you go, this guy should be a comedian.

[2505] He was hilarious.

[2506] His name is Dave Dolan.

[2507] He's dead now.

[2508] And I keep a voicemail message from him.

[2509] just because he was such a character.

[2510] He was just such a fucking character.

[2511] And he was hilarious.

[2512] And he got a DUI and they took away his license.

[2513] And what he really needed was not an assistant.

[2514] He needed a driver.

[2515] So I just had a good, have a good driver's license.

[2516] So, but I was working as an assistant.

[2517] And then we became friends and we'd bus people.

[2518] Mostly people that were stealing insurance money.

[2519] They were like doing things, like pretending they were injured and they'd take a other job on the side and then we'd catch them we'd have to get there at like five o 'clock at the morning and wait for them to get up and go to work and then follow them and take pictures of them and shit that's fun it was fun gig yeah it was fun it was real fun too because he was actually cousins with bill downs who was one of the owners of the comedy connections bill no money downs that's it yeah I worked for that guy a couple times me too many times and uh that was Dave was his cousin so it was like just dumb luck I became friends with this guy but from driving him around and his cousin was the guy one of the guys that owned the comedy connection wow yeah i loved uh working at the series it was fun i feel like comedians are actually good at that job because we're hyper aware and we're doing a lot of judging anyways he wants you like an audience come in you're like that guy's gonna hate me this woman's too drunk that guy's fat right and i think it's similar to shoplifter you like something's up with this guy well it's also like it sounds like a job that doesn't suck like you can wander around no one's telling you what to do it's like you're stuck at a fucking desk going over stupid numbers or something you don't give a fuck about.

[2520] Yeah, and it's low maintenance physically.

[2521] I know guys in New York that are like movers for their day job and I'm like, you can't have a fucking manual labor job.

[2522] Like you get up at six and you're carrying couches.

[2523] Like you're not going to hit an open mic at 8 p .m. You're going to be exhausted.

[2524] Yeah.

[2525] But I loved it.

[2526] And having your cousin is the boss is great.

[2527] I streaked through a Sears at my last day.

[2528] You took your clothes off?

[2529] Yeah, we decided, well, I didn't want to, I couldn't go naked because it's like a sex crime.

[2530] So I covered my face with a brown paper bag and bought like a candy thong necklace it's a candy thong at um or i can't it's not a necklace it's a candy thong at spencer's gifts and i wore that i got videos my friend my buddy just sent it to me i hadn't seen it in like 12 years it's a sex crime if you take your clothes off yeah if you run through naked yeah hilarious that's a sex crime so i was like i better have no clothes on which is how you are naturally yeah you're born you are a walking sex crime i get you can't have people run around naked in a store wait a minute wait a minute but why not What is the problem?

[2531] Well, we're living in a society, Joe.

[2532] Okay, if a woman walk through a store naked, do you think she should go to jail?

[2533] I don't think she should, I should think I would assume she has mental problem.

[2534] I think she should go to.

[2535] Or she just likes to be naked.

[2536] If a gal goes through a place, like maybe you're at Target and some gal decides to take off her clothes and walk as far as she can through Target before they arrest her.

[2537] Uh -huh.

[2538] Are you in support of her being arrested and taken to a jail and hit with a sex crime?

[2539] No, I'm not in support of that.

[2540] But there's a lot of things, rules and laws that I'm not in support of that.

[2541] But it seems like it's okay if a guy gets arrested doing that.

[2542] Well, it depends on what he's doing, I suppose.

[2543] That's how I feel.

[2544] If a guy's running around naked.

[2545] If he's just running and jogging, like I was.

[2546] Flopping around inside Target.

[2547] Yeah.

[2548] That guy's a criminal.

[2549] I don't need to see.

[2550] Is he hard or not?

[2551] It's a good question.

[2552] It's a very good question.

[2553] He's a hard and criminal.

[2554] Yeah, if he's hard, he goes straight to jail.

[2555] Well, that's like a...

[2556] Right to the electric chair.

[2557] That's a particular sexual.

[2558] But just his cock.

[2559] Yeah, yeah.

[2560] It's an electric condom.

[2561] What if he's got all his clothes on, except for his cock and balls, and he's just riding out, you know, he's got just coming out of the...

[2562] Isn't that a rule in San Francisco?

[2563] Like, you can walk around naked, you just can't have a heart on.

[2564] Is that true?

[2565] Really?

[2566] That's what I just heard Brian Callan say that.

[2567] Why don't you Google that?

[2568] Google that.

[2569] We need to find out this is true.

[2570] In New York, I know in the park you can be naked, I think naked.

[2571] Really?

[2572] You can walk around topless.

[2573] Topless.

[2574] I've seen a couple of women.

[2575] Women are allowed to go topless because men used to be.

[2576] be able to go top well men could go topless forever but there was a rule that said that women couldn't and women are like well this is bullshit and they're right and I think a lot of them didn't even want to be topless right but they were like well this is fucked up people telling us that our nip like Sarah silverman Sarah silverman just posted on Instagram a photo of her mirror like her bathroom mirror and you see her tits in the mirror she did it on purpose to like make a point like why first of all she did it because she has great tits okay she wanted everybody to see her great tits that's fair they're pretty fantastic I missed it I'm bummed but also like why Why is it okay if you could see my tits?

[2577] Why is it okay to see my nipples, but you can't see her nipples?

[2578] Like, what do we, babies?

[2579] I agree.

[2580] That's free the nipple.

[2581] I'm for it.

[2582] Instagram is really hardcore on that, but Twitter, you could do porn.

[2583] Yeah.

[2584] They'll have porn on fucking Twitter.

[2585] There's porn old, I follow porn stars.

[2586] They watch them fuck.

[2587] Maybe I'll do some porn.

[2588] You think so?

[2589] Yeah, why not?

[2590] I got a dick.

[2591] You do have a dick.

[2592] Yeah.

[2593] That's why I hear.

[2594] Yeah, it's nice.

[2595] Do you think that you should be arrested If you just walk around naked If I was making the rule I don't know, it's hard because it's It's all in what you do with it If you go rubbing it on people, yeah Yeah, certainly, that would be a salt And kids point at you and laugh And you go, huh?

[2596] That's the thing, it depends I mean, there should be adult areas Where you can walk around naked, I think Like a nude beach.

[2597] Yes, they have those.

[2598] They have those.

[2599] Yeah, but arrested, I don't know I would just assume someone is a little off mentally if they're walking around naked because there are society norms I don't think so it sounds like a guy society sounds like a horse that wins the Kentucky Derby it says that they changed the public nudity law in San Francisco in like 2013 I think but we were there when you shot your special and 100 % I was at the top of Lombard Street and there was a large gathering of naked people so I don't know what the fuck that was about nonsense so they didn't get it stopped there's cops right there they didn't stop them from doing anything at pictures of it so I don't know what that was about what I'm gonna do I gotta wrap this up Joe List you're funny motherfucker thanks for having me I appreciate you comedy's very funny I hope it was okay you were great and people can see your Netflix special it's available and Comedy Central they have it online too right yeah it's online the Netflix thing is the stand -up season two of the stand -ups it's a half hour and I got a couple albums online and stuff Joe List would be with me tonight at the improv.

[2600] It's sold out two shows with Bert Kreischer and Andrew motherfucking Santino.

[2601] That's it, folks.

[2602] Bye, everybody.

[2603] Thanks.

[2604] Say bye, Joe List.

[2605] Thanks.

[2606] Oh, Joe List Comedy.

[2607] What's your Instagram and Twitter?

[2608] At Joe List Comedy, Instagram, and Twitter.

[2609] All right.

[2610] Bye.