#79 - Jon Lajoie

[0] I can't let other motherfuckers define you, ladies and gentlemen.

[1] That's my message, alright?

[2] You wanna fuck that tube?

[3] Fuck that tube, son.

[4] Fuck it.

[5] My cleaning lady, she comes in and I have shit that I don't necessarily hide.

[6] Well, not even just stuff.

[7] Some fun toys that I use with some ladies.

[8] Oh, dildos and shit.

[9] God damn, my man goes deep.

[10] My cleaning lady, I love it.

[11] She'll clean my plate and she'll be like, oh, she'll find them and just put them on top of a dresser.

[12] She'll be like, I don't know where to put these, John.

[13] Yeah, what the fuck is that like for her?

[14] Picking up your...

[15] Dirty, slimy, frosted.

[16] It looks like a donut, like frosted donut dildo.

[17] Unclean, just lying under the bed.

[18] Recently, have you noticed like girls, like different girlfriends don't like using like old dildos?

[19] I always had like dildos.

[20] Of course girls don't.

[21] Well, I started to like try to put them in its own packaging and stuff like that.

[22] No, dude.

[23] So I would keep the packaging mint.

[24] You're just a cheap motherfucker.

[25] Yeah, that's ridiculous.

[26] How much is a dildo?

[27] They're only like $10.

[28] good ones you know like the whatever the dolphins and the dolphin i think it was like 90 dollars really that's like the playstation of fucking dildo that girl's like this has been inside some other girl's pussy with you and like push shoving it in there like like she doesn't want yeah but she has these fingers they're washed that's you just watch good point and that's actually these are hard it is a good point but it doesn't matter because it's still your body and somehow or another it makes it okay yeah instead of some rubber rabbit chick snatch and asshole at the same time.

[29] Is that what it was?

[30] Yeah, it was a rabbit.

[31] And it's worse also that you bought it specifically to fuck some other girl with it.

[32] Like, it wasn't like, oh, I found this lying around and I just fucked this other girl.

[33] It was like you bought it with this other chick or something and fucked her with it.

[34] And then you're like, oh, I'm not with her anymore and now I'm with this other girl.

[35] Yeah.

[36] You gotta be careful getting into that fucking...

[37] robotics world.

[38] You know?

[39] You're fucking setting a pace you can't really match up with.

[40] Once you fuck a chick with one of those rabbit things and it's beating the fuck out of the sides of her pussy, it's just Anderson Silva knee in the sides of her pussy just slamming it.

[41] Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, and that little rabbit ears are jamming her in her butthole.

[42] What the fuck are you going to do?

[43] What are you going to do with your average dick?

[44] Your human dick.

[45] Yeah, what are you going to do with that fleshy little soft thing that, you know, that you've got to worry about if she gets on top, she might break it.

[46] have that happen, man, where it almost breaks?

[47] No. Where you get a fallout and then it hits the taint?

[48] Oh, yeah.

[49] When it pulls out.

[50] Dude, guys have gone to the hospital for this shit.

[51] Are you serious?

[52] Yes, yes.

[53] You can tear.

[54] Your dick breaks.

[55] And not only does it break, but a lot of times it stays crooked forever.

[56] I think I broke my dick before then.

[57] I bet you did, man. I think I broke mine a little.

[58] I didn't think it was possible, so I always just went, oh, yeah, it feels like it's going to break.

[59] No, no. Mine kind of broke over time.

[60] Really?

[61] Like an old ship.

[62] hit too many rocks mine looks like a broken nose a lot of waves man a lot of spilled beer rotting the deck a lot of waves hitting the left side There's this dude on my message board.

[63] I'm sorry, man. I forget your name.

[64] But he has a fucking giant hog.

[65] And his picture is totally bent.

[66] His dick is completely bent to the right.

[67] So much so that it's subverter.

[68] That's his name on the message board.

[69] His dick is so ridiculous, it looks like it's photoshopped.

[70] I mean, there's no way it could be that fat because he's a little dude.

[71] Giant dick.

[72] And no way it could be taking such a hard angle.

[73] And he sends it to chicks and shit.

[74] I would have created some drama online because he sent it to some girl.

[75] So he sent you a picture of his dick.

[76] He puts them online, man. This guy puts them online for everybody to see.

[77] I would love to have my dick pointed up, like bent up, so it just hit the top of the girl.

[78] How many cock pictures have you seen online of dudes that you know online?

[79] Millie!

[80] I mean...

[81] I mean, on the message board, everybody's always pulling their dick out.

[82] More in person, unfortunately.

[83] Well, because we hang out with comics.

[84] Is it like that?

[85] John is from Montreal, Canada.

[86] Is it like that up there?

[87] Do dudes whip their dicks out all the time or is it too cold?

[88] I think it's a little cold.

[89] I had a buddy who had the Prince Albert thing.

[90] Oh, piercings?

[91] Yeah, and he just loved whipping out his dick and showing people.

[92] What the fuck is up with that guy?

[93] Oh, dude.

[94] Seriously.

[95] That's some fucking crazy shit.

[96] I've never looked at my dick and thought about throwing some metal through it.

[97] Like a hole through the tip of your dick.

[98] What the fuck is that, man?

[99] What are you fucking like?

[100] Whoa.

[101] It's cut open like a sausage.

[102] Have you seen that?

[103] Oh, I've seen that, yeah.

[104] That's Prince Albert, right?

[105] No, no, no, no, no, no. That's another one.

[106] What's that called?

[107] There's, like, a ring, like, right through the tip of the jaw.

[108] Yeah, that's the Prince Albert.

[109] But the other one that you're talking about is more of a body modification thing.

[110] They cut into the penis, and they slice it open like a hot dog.

[111] Yeah, like a hot dog.

[112] Whoa, whoa.

[113] It's common.

[114] It's common.

[115] It's really common.

[116] So what, okay, so it's the whole, like, larger?

[117] Hot dog in the microwave.

[118] What spreads, yeah, must just spray all over the fucking place.

[119] They have no control over the piss.

[120] You know, it looks horrendous, too.

[121] It looks terrifying.

[122] But it's become some barb.

[123] No, it's like.

[124] to hear like yeah cool yeah some weirdo just wants to change the way he looks dude how about listening to some fucking i don't know indie rock albums try to be cool buy some records dude you don't have to butcher your dick oh god it's a weird thing man it's a weird thing when you know it's like where do you draw that line you know when you see a chick with a lip ring like oh you got a ring on your lip your upper lip there's a ring on it a metal ring yeah okay how far are you willing to go Because you're already in crazy town.

[125] You've already got staples in your face, you fucking freak.

[126] What are you doing?

[127] You ever had a girl with the clit ring?

[128] Yeah.

[129] That's kind of cool, though.

[130] It's kind of cool, but it also kind of seems like she's a mess.

[131] Oh, and you know that if you're decorating down there, it's because you have open houses all the time.

[132] And you're going down here, and I'm like, wait a minute.

[133] Dude, you've got to write that down.

[134] If that's an ad lib, shit.

[135] That's a bit.

[136] Don't forget that one, dude.

[137] We'll hold here.

[138] That's a goddamn genius bit.

[139] That's hilarious.

[140] There's a thing about girls with clit rings.

[141] You've got to know that if a girl's decorating down there, she's having open houses all the time.

[142] Dude, that shit is brilliant.

[143] See, I can't sit down and write comedy, and then all of a sudden, it's fucking...

[144] Yeah, I do the same thing, man. I have ideas, and I have to slam them onto a piece of paper.

[145] I have to get it down as quick as possible, too.

[146] Because five minutes later, I'm like a fucking idiot savant.

[147] I won't know what I said.

[148] That's why these podcasts are actually pretty good, because you can actually write comedy while you're talking.

[149] There's been so many times where...

[150] I do Spider -Man.

[151] Me talking about Spider -Man, where it's me throwing cum on walls of hotels.

[152] I do it on stage now, and it fucking kills.

[153] That's great.

[154] Did you do that for real?

[155] Yeah, I really did.

[156] He's a mess, motherfucker.

[157] It's walls that you and I have to go and touch.

[158] I know.

[159] You know you're in your underwear, and you're putting your socks on?

[160] You might lean against the wall, and you'd easily be touching this creep's loads.

[161] Even worse, I play chicken.

[162] I throw it on the ceiling.

[163] I keep my...

[164] mouth open and...

[165] Yo, to play chicken, you have to play with someone else.

[166] That's just an excuse to be gay for yourself, bro.

[167] It's if I dart out of the way, but I don't, and that's why I get ID for cigarettes.

[168] That is an excuse for you to be gay for yourself.

[169] I'm not playing a part of this.

[170] I play cum chicken with myself.

[171] How fucking gay.

[172] But that's not even gay.

[173] That's like...

[174] No, it's just recycling.

[175] It's just bizarre.

[176] Jim Norton has this great bit about this chick that used to make him do things.

[177] I guess it's his girlfriend.

[178] She tells him what to do.

[179] She used to be a dominatrix or something nutty like that.

[180] And Jim comes on her tits and she makes him lick it up.

[181] And it's a true story.

[182] And he's talking about it.

[183] It's fucking hilarious.

[184] But it's also...

[185] Your fucking toes curl up.

[186] Your butthole crunches up.

[187] Oh, my God.

[188] You close your nostrils when you hear it.

[189] Your whole body, like, constricts.

[190] You're like, don't eat your own cum.

[191] Oh, dude.

[192] Dude.

[193] There's something about it.

[194] It's just...

[195] Yeah, well, you guys were talking on one of the podcasts this week.

[196] Some guy was...

[197] Who was he?

[198] Was it Ift?

[199] Eddie Ift?

[200] Yeah, Eddie Ift.

[201] Funny guy.

[202] Yeah.

[203] He was talking about some guy sucking some guy...

[204] Or letting some guy suck his dick so that he can...

[205] Fuck this hot chick.

[206] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[207] That was Eddie F. Yeah.

[208] Friend did that.

[209] Yeah.

[210] Yeah.

[211] And you're like, my manager tells me the story of him and his buddy.

[212] They hooked up with these two chicks and they're at the hotel room with these two chicks.

[213] And the two chicks like start like making out and everything.

[214] And they go, if you guys make out, we will.

[215] Fuck you.

[216] I'm going to just do everything.

[217] But you guys have to make out.

[218] And my manager's like, OK, fuck it.

[219] I'm out of here.

[220] And the guy's chasing him around the room going.

[221] Stop being such a fucking pussy and make out with me. Come on, dude.

[222] Just make out with me, dude.

[223] And you're like, really?

[224] What the fuck, man?

[225] How bad do you need to get laid, you creep?

[226] You need a scar in your brain for life.

[227] Because the moment you nut, the moment you...

[228] What the fuck?

[229] fuck have I done?

[230] He would immediately recognize the depths of your depravity.

[231] And I think I'd let someone, some guy suck my dick, probably make out with a guy.

[232] That's a bit more intimate.

[233] I don't know, man. Listen, at least you can control yourself.

[234] I mean, you can defend yourself.

[235] Some dude has his mouth over your dick.

[236] He could just clamp down on that thing at any moment and that's the end of your dick.

[237] Yeah, that's true.

[238] Fuck all that, man. How do people on Saturday Night Live do it then?

[239] Because so many people do it.

[240] They suck dicks on Saturday Night Live?

[241] What the fuck are you talking about?

[242] I mean, like, everybody does that.

[243] Everybody sucking dick on Saturday Night Live?

[244] They make out with each other and shit, right?

[245] I guess when there's a live studio audience, it's different than being in, like, a hotel room.

[246] Hey, there's a lot of guys who think it's funny to just be nutty like that.

[247] You know, that was a big thing the Hells Angels used to do in the 60s.

[248] Hunter S. Thompson wrote about it.

[249] You know, about how in that movie, the Hells Angels book that he wrote, he wrote about how they would try to freak out squares.

[250] Like, when they were around, like, regular people, they would just start making out with each other.

[251] Big, burly guys.

[252] Like, tongue and all.

[253] They're just...

[254] Whoa.

[255] Yeah.

[256] There's all this video of it.

[257] It's the documentary Gonzo.

[258] Yeah.

[259] Great documentary.

[260] That was narrated by Johnny Depp.

[261] Yeah.

[262] Super inspirational.

[263] Makes you want to write and it makes you really appreciate his, his whole outlook on things.

[264] I mean, and also recognize him for real.

[265] Like they didn't try to make him look like anything other than what he was like.

[266] Yeah.

[267] Flawed.

[268] brilliant, but flawed, crazy all over the place.

[269] But look what he produced, you know, it was like, yeah, but it was also like, look how he fell.

[270] Like, look, look how it all fell apart for him.

[271] Look how his, you know, his whole life and career.

[272] Yeah.

[273] All the uphill battles.

[274] Yeah.

[275] Scary shit, man. Because, you know, as any, any artist, I think, I think we all look at ourselves and, you know, you look at, you know, what's, what's your eventual take on this going to be?

[276] Like, what is, what's your body of work going to be like after 20 years or 30 years?

[277] And at the end, are you going to?

[278] still be enjoying this like look at this brilliant guy like what did he do wrong like why was some of his shit so good some of the shit that he wrote fear and loathing in las vegas is still one of my favorite books yeah just a just a fucking mad crazy book you know but this dude and his friend just dropping acid and just fucking people over on hotel bills i mean it's a great fucking book it's just it just it's alive you know what i mean it's like his writing there was some shit in there that was alive and it's not everybody can do that i don't know what it is or why a person can or can't but what drives me crazy is when they can do something like that and then they just still fall apart you know it's like it's almost like what brings them to the dance kills them when they get there yeah yeah well it's because nothing's constant you know like if you're so passionate about something there's something that you need to nurture in that or like and we're constantly changing nothing is like forever going to be that way so right five years from now like if you don't cultivate that kind of life and everything you can all of a sudden five years down the road road just not give a fuck about land just completely like be a completely different which is fine we need to you have to get you have to be comfortable in the struggle and part of the struggle is constantly creating constantly coming up with new things because as soon as you stop doing that if you stop creating and you stop exploring it and utilizing that part of your mind and your you know whatever it is your spirit it goes away The only reason why it's there is because it took you fucking 10, 15 years of going on stage over and over again to cultivate this thing where you know how to do it correctly.

[279] You get into this groove.

[280] But that can easily slip away from you.

[281] When I was on news radio, there was like two years when I was on where I didn't write a fucking single joke.

[282] All I did was perform at the Laugh Factory and I performed at the Comedy Store.

[283] And I didn't do any road work at all.

[284] And I didn't write at all.

[285] I just I did the sitcom.

[286] The sitcom was a lot of work.

[287] It was, you know, we'd work long hours and I'd be tired and I would show up at the comedy clubs and I just had no, no ambition.

[288] You know, I didn't have any new material.

[289] It was all the stuff that I'd been doing for years already.

[290] And I'd lost all connection with what I was saying.

[291] You know what I mean?

[292] Like some bits, they get to a point where you're just kind of saying.

[293] a bunch of things that you know will work.

[294] It's like, I'm not even thinking about this.

[295] I'm not in the moment where I'm saying this.

[296] And anyway, I didn't realize it until I had some writers come to see me, some guys that were writers on news radio.

[297] Oh, it was ugly.

[298] And it was a late night set at the Comedy Store.

[299] And the late nights of the comedy store in the main room when there was only like fucking 15 people, that place is a vacuum, man. It's a cavern.

[300] And I went up there and just really had a shitty set.

[301] It just felt uncomfortable.

[302] And that made me really realize, like, God, you don't even work on your comedy anymore.

[303] Like, what the fuck are you doing?

[304] Like, it's going to go away.

[305] Like, the thing that was the most fun for you to do, now you're not doing it anymore.

[306] And now when you do it, you're, like, weird about it.

[307] So it made me, like, sort of reorganize and figure it out.

[308] But I think for a lot of guys, like, they just start doing.

[309] they they become successful or they somehow or another you know get enough success so that they can make a living and then they just kind of like stop yeah you know oh yeah that's when you kind of die on yeah like it's so sad and yeah i i feel myself i constantly have to keep i go you know okay like and i'm so new to this comedy game and um I find myself like when I was just in my little tiny apartment.

[310] I mean, now I'm still in a tiny apartment in Hollywood.

[311] But you just change your surroundings and the changes of people around you.

[312] And now all of a sudden it's a business.

[313] And you have an agent and a manager.

[314] And they have plans, a career plan.

[315] And all of a sudden you're like, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[316] What's that little spark that I had inside me?

[317] What was pushing me to do this in the first place?

[318] And as soon as you lose that, you're just completely lost.

[319] And it happens so easy.

[320] They can talk you into being business.

[321] minded and business oriented.

[322] Dude.

[323] I've talked to comics that I really like.

[324] They're interesting guys.

[325] And they'll start talking to you about liquor sales and shit.

[326] I'm like, how do you even know that?

[327] Why are you talking about this?

[328] Have you ever thought about doing a song about Mountain Dew, though?

[329] Dude, I've approached...

[330] When you're online, you have a following.

[331] Dude, you get approached by so many people.

[332] Yeah, well, your videos have ridiculous numbers.

[333] The average, everyday, normal guy is like...

[334] Was it $20 million?

[335] Yeah, almost $21 million.

[336] That's some serious numbers, man. Yeah, no. Do you put ads on those and make money off that shit?

[337] Well, there's a partnership program at YouTube, and they'll put the little ads at the bottom.

[338] And so they send you checks for that shit?

[339] Yeah, I make a little bit of money on there.

[340] It's nothing spectacular?

[341] No, it's nothing.

[342] I have to do other things, even to pay just my bills.

[343] I heard that there's some dudes that have kids' ones on there, and these kids' videos have...

[344] ridiculous like like very regular repeated customers and so the numbers are huge like five million and you know now these guys are making like ridiculous money from YouTube ads.

[345] I've always heard that too but I've never really understood thought it was real.

[346] This is coming from Dana White.

[347] Really?

[348] Yeah so it's real.

[349] No there are some kids who like I put out videos and mine's more like content you'll have sketches and songs and like I create the content I'll shoot it edit it and put it out as like I don't have a TV show, so this is me doing my own content, and I fucking love it.

[350] And the creative freedom that comes along with it, no one's looking over your shoulder.

[351] You're just doing whatever you want.

[352] And I get a decent amount of hits.

[353] That's why it's so good, too.

[354] Oh, it's amazing.

[355] I'll never give that up.

[356] I'll never give that up.

[357] It's also why your stuff is so good, because it's coming from you.

[358] When one person does this, and it sounds crazy, but I really believe this.

[359] When one person is involved in creating something, and then they put it out, it's almost like you get a sense.

[360] of their personality.

[361] You get a glimpse into their creative, whatever the fuck frequency they tune into.

[362] When a bunch of people get in it, it can be really funny, but you might not enjoy it as much.

[363] It gets watered down a little bit.

[364] I don't know if that's real.

[365] That sounds like totally hippie nonsense.

[366] It's why we appreciate people so much when they do something and we enjoy it.

[367] Think about what that's like.

[368] If it's a band, some band that you fucking love, you got to hang out with Trent Reznor when you were a kid.

[369] What are you doing?

[370] You're appreciating something.

[371] This guy's producing and creating.

[372] And that's really what it's all about.

[373] That's what being a fan is about.

[374] Yeah.

[375] It's a trippy fucking thing, man. Yeah.

[376] Yeah.

[377] No, it's crazy.

[378] And I don't really even think about that.

[379] I don't know how you get like I do the shows and people, anyone just goes, dude, I love what you do.

[380] I'm so like.

[381] like taken yeah and i'm so weird i'm very recent recently in this but like i'm always like oh it's so thankful i'm like wow dude like you know you're watching you enjoy it and wow it's just it's just a beautiful thing it's a great um it's a great exchange of course you got to deal with a bunch of nuts Did you ever watch his video, High as Fuck?

[382] Yeah, yeah, I've seen that one too.

[383] That's great.

[384] We'll play that one at the end.

[385] All right, cool.

[386] That's a teaser, ladies and gentlemen.

[387] We'll let you know at the end we're going to have a juicy song for you.

[388] Anybody who's having a problem with this podcast, getting it from iTunes, looking for the latest episodes every time, it's way easier if you just subscribe.

[389] If you subscribe, you get them as soon as we put it up there.

[390] But apparently Apple has some weird new way they're handling podcasts now where it doesn't allow you to ping the server.

[391] This is all complicated shit, but the long and short of it is.

[392] the best way to get the podcast the quickest is just subscribe on iTunes.

[393] Or you can always go to JoeRogan .net and right after the podcast is over, within a couple hours, Brian has a link up and you can download it from that.

[394] So that's easy too.

[395] So that's the way to do it.

[396] Don't be whining anymore.

[397] How does that work on your website?

[398] Does it go?

[399] Because I'm so, like, technologically.

[400] I download on iTunes, go straight to my library, syncs with my iPod.

[401] Like, if I go on your website, does it go right into the iTunes or drag and drop?

[402] Well, it's just a file.

[403] Yeah, you just download an MP3.

[404] Yeah, it's just an MP3 file.

[405] Because I want it to be available not just for iTunes.

[406] You know, I want it on Zoom.

[407] And if you've got some wonky old MP3 recorder, one of them little USB jammies that doesn't even have, like, a...

[408] If you're in the Zune marketplace, just hold down your power button, wait for it to reset, and then relaunch it.

[409] Are you making jokes?

[410] Is that a Microsoft joke, Brian?

[411] You dork.

[412] We tried to sneak a Microsoft joke in there.

[413] You have to reboot the device.

[414] The device is no good.

[415] Hey, Verizon, you cunts.

[416] What's up with this?

[417] The new iPhone has a world chip in it, but you don't turn it on, you fucking weirdos.

[418] You're scared.

[419] You're scared your network's going to crumble, bitches.

[420] That's what it is.

[421] They've been talking so much shit on AT &T.

[422] They don't understand the power of the iPhone.

[423] When that motherfucker comes, a wave of freaks are going to come over to your side.

[424] It's going to be like 15 % of the people from AT &T they're estimating are going to vacate their contracts early.

[425] That's a large number, man. They're seeing even more, like business people.

[426] You know what?

[427] I was doing an AT &T commercial last night.

[428] I was sitting there, and I was sending all these photos to my Flickr, and I was also trying to download this YouTube video, and then somebody calls me. If somebody would have called me during that on the Verizon network, all that shit would have, like, failed.

[429] You're right.

[430] You're right.

[431] And so I was, like, thinking, that's pretty big for me. For you.

[432] I'm a heavy user of Internet and multitasking and stuff like that.

[433] Yeah, but, I mean, even TwitVid.

[434] If you're on Twitter.

[435] and you're loading a video and then somebody calls you halfway through it, guess what?

[436] That video is not loading up.

[437] That's right.

[438] Yeah, that's a good point.

[439] Fuck that.

[440] That's a good point if you look at it that way.

[441] Yeah, I don't understand why Verizon can't do that.

[442] From what I understand, though, when they get to 4G, that won't be an issue anymore.

[443] Is that correct?

[444] Yeah, 4G.

[445] So 4G, even though it's CDMA as opposed to...

[446] See, Verizon's network's good, but it's actually just older, like an older technology.

[447] It's older technology, and it's called CDMA, right?

[448] Yeah, yeah.

[449] And for some reason, even though it's older technology, it penetrates deeper into buildings.

[450] Yeah, I guess that's one of the...

[451] So it gives you more cancer.

[452] It gives you better cancer.

[453] But I got a new title to my book.

[454] It's called, If You Get Cancer From Your Cell Phone, You're a Fucking Pussy.

[455] I know what you really wanted to say.

[456] What?

[457] Your retired word.

[458] No. No, I wouldn't.

[459] No, it'd be more you're a pussy than an F .A. word, F .A. G .G. word, O .T. word.

[460] You know what, though?

[461] I mean, has anyone done research like on ball cancer?

[462] Is ball cancer up right now?

[463] Because your fucking cell phones buy your balls 90 % of the time.

[464] Yeah, I don't know what the fuck you're doing with your phone, man. Don't stick it under your balls.

[465] Well, it's on the pocket.

[466] That's like being on the side of your head, right?

[467] Same distance.

[468] I guess so.

[469] It's pretty close to your balls.

[470] I hear people talking about having a laptop on your lap.

[471] It's so close to your.

[472] Cooks your balls.

[473] And all your shit.

[474] Like, I can imagine some kind of, you know.

[475] The laptop, though, it's heat.

[476] Yeah.

[477] It's the battery.

[478] I use that for it as a form of birth control right now.

[479] Do you?

[480] Kill your balls?

[481] Yeah, I do it on purpose.

[482] Torture those little faggots.

[483] Oops.

[484] I said it.

[485] Whoa.

[486] It tricked me. It tricked me. It tricked me to put it in my head.

[487] I'm Canadian.

[488] We don't have that word in Canada.

[489] Well, it shouldn't be in America either.

[490] I mean, not that it shouldn't be said.

[491] It just shouldn't be a word that has all this power.

[492] Yeah.

[493] Especially a good, juicy one.

[494] Jamie Kilstein told me he retired it recently, too.

[495] Really?

[496] Every time you accidentally say it.

[497] you should do something like you have to buy an Elton John CD or you have to buy...

[498] You know what I mean?

[499] You have to watch one episode of Ellen.

[500] I have to watch a full George Michael video.

[501] Yeah, you have to give something back.

[502] I love that Freedom song, man. Remember that time we sang it on the podcast?

[503] Yeah.

[504] That's a great goddamn jam.

[505] Remember when I sang it in the hot tub?

[506] No. I blocked that out, Brian.

[507] Shut up.

[508] Shut up, Brian.

[509] What the fuck, bro?

[510] So are you touring?

[511] Do you do...

[512] Yeah, I mean, I've been touring quite a bit for the past two years.

[513] I took a little break because I wanted to write some stuff and do some more of the internet stuff.

[514] But when you do it, do you do it like go out for a weekend, come back?

[515] Yeah, I started doing that.

[516] I have Minneapolis.

[517] I'm so bad.

[518] even know my dates but i'd like to have some minneapolis and like march or april and what is it what's your website yeah uh yeah let's check out the website he's got a cool website michael keaton's on it yeah it's john joie .com and spell that motherfucker yeah good luck j -o -n -l -a -j -o -i -e or just go to like youtube and like google like And just search showing genitals.

[519] I'm sorry, go ahead.

[520] Have you ever thought about just changing your last name, like John L .A. or something?

[521] Yeah.

[522] Johnny L .A. Like Kevin James had to do that.

[523] His last name was Nipfing.

[524] Really?

[525] Yeah, it was really tricky.

[526] And him and his brother Gary.

[527] And Gary picked Valentine and Kevin picked James because it was the name of his old Kung Fu instructor.

[528] My last name's not Red Band.

[529] Yeah, Brian is.

[530] Where did Red Band come from?

[531] The movie trailers, when you see a movie.

[532] Oh, the Red Man trailer.

[533] I used to be a projectionist most of my life.

[534] Okay.

[535] I like his videos.

[536] They're really good.

[537] Oh, they're brilliant.

[538] Really great.

[539] We've got to figure out how to make money with it.

[540] Anybody out there with a suggestion, keep it to yourself, freaks, because I don't know you.

[541] Porn stars, porn stars.

[542] Porn stars is the way to go.

[543] Comedy porn.

[544] Comedy porn.

[545] Yeah, making money on the internet.

[546] That's what Brian needs.

[547] Brian needs more porn stars in his life, for sure.

[548] I know.

[549] How do you get into the porn circle?

[550] Oh, he's deep, bro.

[551] He's deep.

[552] You went into a podcast?

[553] Is that all it takes?

[554] Come to my house.

[555] We'll have a podcast.

[556] You can interview a porn star from behind.

[557] Get deep in the crazy, son.

[558] Do you write all your stuff yourself?

[559] Do you just sit there and think of a good idea?

[560] Did you start off just using a cell phone camera, playing around?

[561] What it was, I went to theater school in Montreal.

[562] Then I graduated and I got a role on this French language TV show.

[563] It was cool.

[564] I appreciate it.

[565] It's a great job and everything, but it wasn't really what I wanted to do.

[566] By the way, how much does it help with chicks being bilingual and the other languages?

[567] French.

[568] Suck.

[569] You must seem so sophisticated, especially if you know something about wine.

[570] That's all you need.

[571] I mean, so many girls, you just tripped them so quickly.

[572] Dude, you can know nothing about wine.

[573] All you'd have to do is just start talking about the area of France where these grapes are grown.

[574] Oh, Jean Lajoie.

[575] Oh, Jean Lajoie.

[576] Yeah.

[577] No, it helps a little bit.

[578] But it's weird in Montreal, like if you don't, like being an English dude in Montreal and on a French show, like chicks like me because I had the English, the English side.

[579] Oh, so the French chicks like you because you spoke English as well.

[580] And then out here, it's kind of like, oh, really?

[581] The French thing is cool.

[582] I thought you guys didn't like French people.

[583] What's all that freedom for?

[584] Well, French Montreal is okay.

[585] Yeah.

[586] France, France.

[587] It's a different animal.

[588] We don't like that.

[589] No one likes it.

[590] We don't even like French fries anymore, bro.

[591] It's freedom fries.

[592] Ratatouille all the way.

[593] So you were on this show.

[594] So you were on this French -speaking show, and you speak fluent French as well as English?

[595] Yes.

[596] Well, not as well as English.

[597] My dad's French -Canadian.

[598] Is there a different, like, when you're saying, I mean, the language is structured different.

[599] Is comedy structure different when you do it?

[600] Yeah, I don't really do comedy in French.

[601] It's a completely different beast.

[602] They have a bunch in Montreal.

[603] Montreal, when they do the Just Full House Festival, they'll have all these, like, guys speaking in France.

[604] It's really weird.

[605] And they have super, like, superstars in French Canada.

[606] Huge, that people have never heard of.

[607] Yeah, yeah.

[608] Just to give you an example, there are 7 million or 8 million people.

[609] in quebec the show that i was on had 1 .2 million people watching it every week like on the league that's what we get and that's broadcast all over the united states like they're very supportive of their culture and they they consume uh quebecois culture and they have like huge comedy stars it's like a little that's why they kind of like want their own country it's like a little country on its own on the french side english side is just is like like english canada anywhere else wow yeah Quebec is a very strange area in and of itself that they want to separate from the rest of Canada.

[610] It's like a constant issue.

[611] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[612] What's that about?

[613] Well, I mean, it goes way back.

[614] But it's basically, you know, New France became...

[615] can't like the the english beat the french and then like you had all this huge french population and now it's english territory and they were kind of like lax enough to go okay you can keep practicing your catholicism and your things love will let you alone but you're you know this is the british empire but they kind of flourished as a culture and they stayed like pretty close Together and like now Quebec is predominantly French speaking and it's a culture that's just kind of kept going throughout the years.

[616] And now they want to protect the culture.

[617] And there are many laws in Canada that do protect that culture, like kind of like signs have to be more French than the larger in French than in English.

[618] Like a lot of things like that, that are very controversial.

[619] Equal rights, right?

[620] Well, it's just that you have to have the it has to be in French at all.

[621] Like you can go to Chinatown.

[622] There's some shit.

[623] There's nothing in English on it.

[624] And that's okay, right?

[625] Right.

[626] Yeah, I don't feel sad.

[627] It's ridiculous.

[628] No, I know.

[629] It's very controversial.

[630] But there are many things that they're trying to protect.

[631] Because the fear is basically that 100 years down the road...

[632] The French culture is going to go away.

[633] But I mean, you know, things change.

[634] Guess what, man?

[635] What are we going to do once we start reading minds and we can travel through time?

[636] Are we still going to have to talk French, you fuck?

[637] Is it that important, goddammit?

[638] You're slowing down evolution, cunty.

[639] If the language dies, it dies, man. Isn't what you mean, is that what, that's what's supposed to be important, right?

[640] Your intent.

[641] Not what, the way you fucking say it.

[642] That's stupid.

[643] Language is neutral, you know, it just expresses it.

[644] They don't want their language to evolve.

[645] If it gets absorbed, it gets evolved.

[646] That's what happens.

[647] Sorry.

[648] Doesn't mean it's bad.

[649] No, I'm not.

[650] Right, Brian?

[651] God damn it.

[652] But I mean, I'm going to get shit for this a little bit.

[653] From the French?

[654] I'll just go, I'm not going to.

[655] No, because I know.

[656] How important it is?

[657] Especially artists on the French side, I've worked with quite a bit on that TV show.

[658] Most of them are sovereignists or separatists.

[659] Whoa.

[660] Yeah.

[661] Because they probably know they wouldn't survive if the full country could hear them.

[662] They want to stay in one area and only speak French.

[663] I'm going to stay neutral on this topic.

[664] Listen, I love Montreal, and I love French Canada.

[665] Don't get me wrong.

[666] That's not what I'm saying.

[667] As a human being, I don't like getting attached to anything, man. Especially getting attached to the way you say things in certain languages.

[668] Who gives a fuck?

[669] And everybody's like, someone said that to me, man. You're not careful, man. Fucking English is going to be a second language, and everybody's going to speak Spanish first.

[670] I go, well, then I'll learn Spanish, you fucking dummy.

[671] Guess what, stupid?

[672] It's not going to happen within my life.

[673] lifetime and if i grew up learning spanish instead of english does that really make a difference god damn it of course it doesn't you fucking stooge it's what you're thinking is what's important it's not what language you think it in that's dumb it's better if we all have one language let's get rid of i mean we got rid of latin okay can't we get rid of chinese let's do this kick that shit out you guys know i don't think chinese is going anywhere come on get rid of it The ultimate of a president got into office.

[674] It's like, first of all, everybody's got to fucking learn English.

[675] Done.

[676] All right.

[677] You want to really communicate?

[678] It's real simple.

[679] Okay.

[680] Learn English.

[681] We won't bomb you.

[682] You learn English.

[683] Is that a deal?

[684] The fuck?

[685] Is it so hard?

[686] And no secret languages.

[687] Kill all your other languages.

[688] Because I don't want you to be saying some shit that I don't understand.

[689] Okay?

[690] When I was 17, I was on spring break.

[691] The problem is there's fucking a lot of dudes that are listening to that going, well, fuck yeah, man. He's got a fucking good point.

[692] We do have all the bombs.

[693] Fuck all those brown queers.

[694] All those brown queers in Quebec speaking French.

[695] All over the world.

[696] All of them, anyway.

[697] Fuck even English if the Spanish win.

[698] I'm on the Spanish side.

[699] I'm with evolution, goddammit.

[700] If Mexico comes over and takes over America, well, I guess we should have made cocaine legal, you fuck.

[701] Look what you did, stupid.

[702] The fucking Mexican gangsters take over the country.

[703] They realize how soft we are.

[704] We're creating a whole nation of savage killers down there.

[705] Have you seen those video footages from LiveLeak with a 12 -year -old hitman or fucking...

[706] torturing people before they kill them.

[707] Yo, I mean, that's right there.

[708] You can drive there.

[709] This is nuts.

[710] The fact that we're not dealing with that, we shouldn't be in fucking Afghanistan.

[711] It takes like 12 hours to get there on a plane.

[712] Shouldn't we be right next door where everyone's crazy, where they're cutting people's fucking heads off and selling coke?

[713] God.

[714] Damn, motherfuckers.

[715] How about on Hollywood fucking Boulevard?

[716] No, the Mexicans are mad at me. The French Canadians are mad at me. Yeah.

[717] I'm trying to piss off everybody today.

[718] Okay, who haven't you?

[719] Are they gay?

[720] I already said faggot.

[721] Yeah, I did.

[722] So they're mad at me too.

[723] Everyone.

[724] So Verizon's mad at you.

[725] French Canadians, you know I love you.

[726] I love you and I love your poutine.

[727] I love the comedy works in Montreal, that little club.

[728] I did it last time I was in Montreal.

[729] It's a great little club.

[730] Fucking great, man. You know, Montreal always confused me because...

[731] I lived in Boston, and I had this cold -weather douchebag theory.

[732] I was like, well, the reason why Boston people are so douchey is because it's cold as fuck up there, and you get angry like six months out of the year.

[733] Mass holes, we call them.

[734] But I was like, but wait a minute.

[735] I go up to Montreal.

[736] It's three hours north or more, right?

[737] More driving.

[738] Isn't it like four hours north?

[739] It's like four hours from Boston.

[740] Four fucking hours in a car north of Boston, and the people are cool as fuck, and it's like a European city.

[741] It's more sophisticated.

[742] It's like the culture is totally different.

[743] The women are so much nicer.

[744] You know, it's weird, man. It's a weird, weird thing.

[745] Yeah.

[746] And also we're very polite.

[747] So we kind of hide that shit.

[748] Like you guys are just like, fuck you.

[749] And we're like, fuck this guy.

[750] Yeah, but fuck this guy is way nicer to be around.

[751] Keep it together, shithead.

[752] No, yeah.

[753] No, you guys like Boston, like everyone from 18 to 20, everyone's always up in Montreal just partying.

[754] Because like you guys still have, I still don't understand 21.

[755] to drink.

[756] It's good.

[757] It's good because it makes it harder for people to get into bars that shouldn't be in bars and it's good because they don't know how to not drink and drive yet.

[758] That's the scariest shit to me. They just got the license.

[759] The scariest shit to me is kids that don't know how to drive and they're drinking.

[760] I've seen stupid shit, man. I've seen people, rear end people and I've seen many things.

[761] I think it's a good thing.

[762] I think they shouldn't be able to drive until they're 21.

[763] I shouldn't have been able to drive but the problem is you have to work so you gotta let them drive at 18 or 17 or whatever the fuck it is but I saw some fucking kid down the street the other day in his mom's Lexus.

[764] It was a big Lexus truck and SUV.

[765] He couldn't have been more than 15, 16 years old.

[766] This kid was fucking riding my ass and weaving through traffic and cutting lanes off and going way over the speed limit.

[767] I'm like, kid, you don't know how to drive yet.

[768] You're taking a big chance with a large vehicle that doesn't stop well.

[769] It doesn't turn well at all.

[770] They're giant trucks.

[771] This fucking kid is driving like he's doing Formula One racing.

[772] Scary shit.

[773] He got away.

[774] with it i mean he got home he didn't die but something could have happened easily someone could have fucked up someone could have ran off a curb something you know he could have had to make a split second move and it would have been a wrap well you think about it 15 16 years old like i was retarded totally retarded totally like an idiot and to be in charge to be behind the wheel controlling this huge hunk of metal, like around thousands of people?

[775] Yeah, I don't think that's a good idea.

[776] It's funny, this has been a topic of conversation recently, even on my message board, about people that were like 20.

[777] When I was saying that when I was 20, I was retarded.

[778] Like, you know, don't tell me what the fuck is going on when you're 20.

[779] I don't want to hear you talk about, you know, what's wrong with the world when you're 20.

[780] And a lot of people are like, you know, back in the fucking middle ages, you know, 20 was middle -aged.

[781] Like, you know, don't discount my opinion because I'm 20 years old.

[782] I totally agree with that.

[783] Do you have 10 kids and have you killed 15 people?

[784] Right.

[785] No, you're not the same person.

[786] You're playing World of Warcraft in your mom's basement.

[787] You're not the same 20 -year -old.

[788] And it's not to undervalue your opinion or your observations.

[789] You might be very intelligent.

[790] You might have some observations that are very valid.

[791] It's not saying that.

[792] It's just the fact that you're even confident enough to want people to listen.

[793] to your opinion at 20 shows me you're on the wrong road.

[794] Stop being cocky.

[795] You should be just asking questions and looking around.

[796] Just jumping in and trying to force your opinions on when you're 20.

[797] You don't really know that much.

[798] You might have some information, but man, you look back on what you were like when you were 20.

[799] There's no 20 -year -old that is going to be able to stand on television with a microphone and tell the world what needs to be fixed.

[800] Just fucking stop, dude.

[801] It's a developmental cycle.

[802] You're very confident.

[803] You're very intelligent.

[804] Congratulations.

[805] But don't get ahead of yourself.

[806] Yeah, of course.

[807] When I was 20, I was fucking dumb.

[808] But I thought I was smart.

[809] And I was right about a lot of things.

[810] I had a good point of view.

[811] But still, you're just fucking spastic.

[812] You're just like that 15 -year -old kid driving that truck.

[813] You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

[814] You're slamming into walls and shit.

[815] You don't know how to use the brakes.

[816] Yeah.

[817] I have once in a while, I have to check in with early 20s, John.

[818] I mean, in terms of morally.

[819] Because I was so like, oh, this.

[820] I'm reading.

[821] And I'm still very curious.

[822] I love reading.

[823] But at early 20s, I thought.

[824] like i figured it out like my moral code and i was so like well like what was the code oh i don't know i was very much uh i was like a vegan for a while oh really yeah but like see that i know i know but that that took me a little while to go okay no because i was reading a lot like i'm trying to figure out what is a right decision what is wrong decision like right figuring it out sure and that was part now like a totally like a different completely different person but my early 20s like everything was an important moral decision and I have very like my parents are like really pentecostal like really religious very like good people but you know very religious people so i kind of have that baggage where i'm like you know i'm trying to you know doing good is like what makes my parents proud and as opposed to like oh i have all these fans and stuff like if i do something like really nice or something like that that's when my parents are really proud of me so like i kind of have this thing so i was trying to figure like and now you know you know i'm 30 and like i'm living in la and you know like i have a bit of success and so And once in a while, I have to go, OK, early 20s John, am I being an asshole right now?

[825] And am I being a good person?

[826] What do you think?

[827] And a lot of time, he's like, fuck you, asshole.

[828] Don't talk to me. Well, was early 20s John a radical, though?

[829] Was he delusional?

[830] No, no, no. No, I'm still very close to who I was.

[831] But I was much more, I guess, rigid about things.

[832] So there's more like, I don't know.

[833] I still don't.

[834] When I'm shopping, I try to.

[835] give my money where like it's because buying is voting.

[836] But back in the day, it's like really, it's that early when you're figuring shit out.

[837] You're like, I just read this book, Naomi Klein's, you know, whatever the fuck it was called.

[838] And I'm like, okay, I get it.

[839] And then, you know, you try to like.

[840] I don't know.

[841] Everything's kind of black and white when you realize you get older.

[842] You're like, oh, it's just all gray, and you try to figure it out.

[843] You try to be a good person as much as you can and try to approach things with love and all that kind of stuff.

[844] It's very tricky.

[845] The eating of animals thing is a really very controversial subject, and I know a lot of people that have a lot of different opinions of it, and they're all very, very adamant about how they are.

[846] The people who eat meat just really want to justify it, and they get super aggressive about it.

[847] And the people that don't, I mean, I've had some annoying motherfuckers on my message board that want to talk to me about eating animals.

[848] Like, don't, dude.

[849] Just try being on and on and on, just trying to shove it in your throat.

[850] Like, goddamn, you annoying fuck.

[851] You socially retarded dunce.

[852] Whatever you're doing is going to make me not want to do it.

[853] Do you not get that?

[854] When people say annoying shit like that, I'm like, you're going to make a mistake.

[855] You know, think of karma.

[856] Fucking think of kicking you in the dick, stupid.

[857] Get away.

[858] Get away with your nonsense.

[859] Everyone hates those people.

[860] are alive, you fuck.

[861] Those beans you're eating, they're screaming as you bite down on them.

[862] You boil them, they're dying in there.

[863] They're rotting in boiling water.

[864] That lettuce screams in agony as you rip it from its fucking mother.

[865] Fuck you.

[866] That's life too, stupid.

[867] Why is animal life more important than plant life?

[868] Because we're semi -related?

[869] That's fucking stupid because you step on bugs all the time.

[870] We're convenient shitheads.

[871] The funniest thing is that eating meat and the animal proteins helped us develop.

[872] and come to the point in our consciousness of where we are because it helped develop the brain rapidly, which is the funniest thing.

[873] Well, that's actually a controversial theory.

[874] Is it?

[875] Yeah, because it doesn't work that way with other predators.

[876] I mean, jaguars don't have big brains.

[877] Yeah, that's true.

[878] And by the way, that theory, I believe, was formulated before they realized how many monkeys chimpanzees eat.

[879] They didn't realize how fucking ruthless and violent chimps really were until they started doing some studies.

[880] I forget the guy's name who ran the show.

[881] It was like a BBC show.

[882] But he was the first one to get footage of chimps eating monkeys.

[883] And I think that was in the 90s.

[884] So I think these ideas that they had about that, there's two other theories.

[885] One of them is the throwing arm.

[886] And that when people developed the ability to throw things, that that sort of kicked off our evolution.

[887] Because we started killing things that were far away from us.

[888] And we started getting better at hunting.

[889] And we thrived.

[890] And as we thrived, we got a little bit.

[891] a little bit more confidence, and we started thinking about things more.

[892] It's like the more calm you can get, the more control over your environment, the more you have free time to think about shit because you're not always fighting off jaguars and all these different things.

[893] So we figured out how to do things like throw spears, throw rocks.

[894] That's one theory.

[895] That's another theory.

[896] The other one is psychedelics.

[897] The other one is psychedelic mushrooms.

[898] And that's the most controversial one, but really the most fascinating one.

[899] It's Terrence McKenna's stoned ape theory.

[900] And this theory is that Somewhere along the line, and this is the undisputable fact, somewhere along the line, the human brain size doubled over a period of 2 million years.

[901] And that is, in the entire fossil record, the most confusing thing, like more than anything.

[902] They're like, well, how does this happen?

[903] It's weird for any organ to grow double the size.

[904] But the most spectacular organ as far as creating things on the planet is in no question the brain, the human brain.

[905] I mean, we alter our environment.

[906] We create nuclear bombs.

[907] I mean, beyond a doubt.

[908] It all happens supposedly inside this area, and this area doubled in two years.

[909] Well, it's coincidentally also the same time that the rainforest receded into grasslands, there was a climate change.

[910] And Terrence McKenna's theory is that monkeys were forced, or lower primates were forced, to come out of the trees and experiment with new food sources because the rainforests were gone.

[911] And these animals that were in this once lush tropical environment had to adapt to this new environment.

[912] And one of the things they did was there was a lot of cows that were eating the grass.

[913] and they would flip over cow turds looking for bugs.

[914] And that's the best place for Cubensis mushrooms to grow.

[915] So these Cubensis mushrooms would grow in this cow shit and these chips and whatever the fuck they were, lower primates, Australopithecus, whatever the fuck it was, they would eat these mushrooms.

[916] The idea is twofold.

[917] One, that there was a direct increase in their ability to see things.

[918] Because when you eat psilocybin, especially in low doses, it increases your visual acuity.

[919] And the other thing was that it would give them this sort of community, like loving atmosphere, protecting atmosphere.

[920] And that would also aid in their less conflicts.

[921] The less conflicts that they had would aid in their innovation, you know, just like with the other thing.

[922] And also they would start having psychedelic experience.

[923] And in large doses, these psychedelic experiences would slowly help them evolve much, much quicker and sort of figure things out that they maybe not have figured out.

[924] And the idea, the really weird part of the idea is that they think, and this is all McKenna and a few other psychos, they think that what mushrooms are is some sort of an alien intelligence that has come here from an asteroid.

[925] Because the reason for that is there's no...

[926] Like there's nothing that can survive in a vacuum better than spores.

[927] And we know that a bunch of shit has come here on asteroids from other planets like DNA or excuse me, like amino acids and the stuff, the building blocks for life and water.

[928] Water comes on comets and asteroids.

[929] And we know that.

[930] spores can survive in a vacuum and the idea is that somewhere on some other planet there was some type of a spore and it came here on an asteroid landed and the way it communicates with people is you eat it and that this is what caused human beings to evolve out of monkeys.

[931] I mean, it is one of those five -bung hit, stare at space, and think it through for, like, ten hours.

[932] At first, it sounds totally ridiculous that mushrooms are silly.

[933] But is there, like, I mean, like, if he's one scientist or whatever that thinks that there's...

[934] Well, he's not even a scientist, really.

[935] I mean, he was a scholar.

[936] I mean, I don't know what...

[937] He was the ethnobotanist, I think, was his chosen study.

[938] So, like, if you ask any of the other thousands of scientists that would know that anything close to what...

[939] he's talking about when they think, all right, he's very high.

[940] Yes, sure.

[941] Well, first of all, you have to realize that as a scientist, first of all, getting behind anything that advocates a completely new direction in evolution and one based on psychedelic mushrooms, illegal drugs, that's a tough fucking sell.

[942] So most scientists would never choose that as a point of study.

[943] Is it that or is it just like, no, come on.

[944] It could be that.

[945] It could be that too.

[946] But it's also they didn't.

[947] discount the idea that mushrooms could be some sort of potential human evolution tool they discount that because it sounds ridiculous that an illegal drug could potentially aid in your evolution and most of them are ignorant of the experience itself i mean maybe some of them are fucked around with it had a little bit but to have a real full -blown psychedelic experience i guarantee you you wouldn't discredit it so what are these monkeys instead of like Taking the cow turds, they were like, they took one bite and were like, ew, this is gross.

[948] And they told their friends, don't eat this mushroom.

[949] No, it's food, dude.

[950] Come on, man. They eat bugs.

[951] They eat everything.

[952] That's dumb.

[953] That's dumb.

[954] But if they don't eat those magic mushrooms, this whole theory makes no sense, right?

[955] Right, but they do.

[956] They've observed them eating mushrooms.

[957] Back a long time ago?

[958] No, monkeys now eat them.

[959] You know, a lot of animals, like, target psychedelic substances, like reindeer target the Amanita muscaria mushroom.

[960] In Siberia, they're famous for it.

[961] They, like, knock people over to get to mushrooms.

[962] They fucking love them.

[963] My dog used to knock shit over to get to my weed, man. Really?

[964] Really?

[965] Weed?

[966] Wow, that's so crazy.

[967] I'd smoke, and I'd leave, like, little butts, and he'd just go.

[968] And I'd come back, and he'd be acting all weird, and look in the ashtray.

[969] It's just, like, all empty.

[970] This subject is a very controversial one because a lot of people have a very strong opinion against this idea.

[971] And they're just like, that's ridiculous.

[972] That doesn't make sense.

[973] Think about what the fuck mushrooms do do to you.

[974] If you've done it, if you've ever done it, you know what they do to you.

[975] It's fucking crazy.

[976] Beyond description, your whole world changes.

[977] Everything around you becomes interlocking geometric patterns that you can see.

[978] through to infinity just that experience itself what the fuck is happening why is it so powerful and why it's so unanimously And why does it do that to your mind?

[979] Yeah, what's going on?

[980] And if it is an agent of evolution, no, but you're not being poisoned.

[981] The LD50 rate for psilocybin mushrooms is like fucking 50 pounds or something.

[982] That's like what you have to eat to kill half the people.

[983] It's ridiculous.

[984] It's like you can't die from it.

[985] We're talking about like hundreds of times more than the effective dose it would take to kill you.

[986] You'd have to be a total idiot to die from mushrooms.

[987] And you'd just probably throw up anyway.

[988] I don't think anybody's ever died.

[989] Unless there's some toxic mold that was on it, which is very common in mushrooms.

[990] Or not only that, mushrooms that look like psilocybin mushrooms, but there's some other fucking one that completely jacks your system.

[991] Right.

[992] But that's the problem with anything.

[993] Like you could say, yeah, there's no mold on these mushrooms.

[994] You're not going to die.

[995] And there could be mold on those mushrooms.

[996] Well, guess what, dude?

[997] You're supposed to be buying or not buying.

[998] You're supposed to be eating them right out of the ground.

[999] They're supposed to be legal.

[1000] This is all a subject of what we're doing to food.

[1001] We don't let anybody grow their own mushrooms.

[1002] you know, it's, it's fucking really hard to get too.

[1003] So you don't know who's handling it and how the guy's growing it.

[1004] And if you had it yourself, it was legal.

[1005] You could have it in your goddamn backyard or in your basement.

[1006] You could grow a whole shelf of mushrooms.

[1007] It's easy as fuck.

[1008] Yeah.

[1009] Yeah.

[1010] No, I got a dude who had like, he's got mushrooms out here.

[1011] Like I, I back home used to have like a reliable source where it didn't kill me. It was awesome.

[1012] Right.

[1013] But I just, I just, I'm so weird when it's not controlled.

[1014] Yeah.

[1015] You're like, not only that dude, it's selling, he's selling something illegal and that, that's where it gets tricky.

[1016] You know, real problem with illegal drugs is that you got to talk to people to get them you know that's the real deal with some dude and he he wants to sell you mushrooms come on man who is this guy you're selling mushrooms where are you at in your life you're selling mushrooms you know how crazy are you you know you're wearing a wire get the fuck over here you know you know it's like yeah that's the problem it should you shouldn't have to deal with some person who's willing to break the law what it should be is there's no fucking law and by the way there's a lot of cool people sell mushrooms don't get me wrong yeah I'm just Just teasing.

[1017] But what I'm saying is valid in a lot of cases, man. I remember the guy, we used to deal with this dude named Jake the Snake.

[1018] That's how he used to get weed before I got a medical card.

[1019] This motherfucker was so annoying.

[1020] He was so annoying that Eddie Bravo had to choke him out like three times.

[1021] He couldn't believe that Eddie could choke him out.

[1022] He's like, man, if it's a real fight, dude, I'd kick your ass.

[1023] And so Eddie's like, come on, you act like an asshole.

[1024] And the guy's like, I'm telling you, man, that jujitsu shit ain't gonna work on me. And Eddie's like, okay.

[1025] Okay, let's go out in the yard and let's fight.

[1026] So Eddie takes him down, strangles him, puts him to sleep, wakes him up.

[1027] This didn't happen, man. It didn't fucking happen.

[1028] That's bullshit.

[1029] You got lucky.

[1030] So they do it again.

[1031] Let's go again.

[1032] Let's go again.

[1033] Eddie takes him down, chokes him out, puts him to sleep.

[1034] Like, you fucking dummy.

[1035] That's a black belt in Brazilian jiu -jitsu.

[1036] Like, really?

[1037] You think you're just tough enough to fight that shit off?

[1038] This is where we used to get our weed from.

[1039] It was so annoying.

[1040] This guy was so dumb.

[1041] He was like a dude whose half his head was made of cardboard.

[1042] It was just like there's something in there that's dulling your electrical circuits.

[1043] It's like...

[1044] This wet cardboard is leaking on the circuitry.

[1045] This whole fucking thing is shorting out.

[1046] He was just dumb.

[1047] This motherfucker sold weed.

[1048] Yeah, that was his name.

[1049] Jake the Snake.

[1050] But I mean, they get back to your life.

[1051] Like the monkeys and mushrooms.

[1052] It's very possible, man. I find it way harder for me to go, I believe in something, than for me to not dis...

[1053] Whoa, fuck, I just lost my...

[1054] I know what you're saying.

[1055] But, like, I remain...

[1056] To remain open, like, dude, just the fuck that we're...

[1057] We used to be bacteria on this rock, and now we're sitting here talking with headphones about shit on computers.

[1058] That's fucking weird.

[1059] So if you go, oh, maybe that happened, yeah, maybe it did happen.

[1060] I'm not going to disbelieve, but for me to go, for sure this thing happened, that's harder to do.

[1061] My point exactly, I love that you just said that.

[1062] I always say the exact same thing when it comes to UFOs and stuff.

[1063] And I'm like, why do you want to believe?

[1064] Do you have personal experience with a UFO?

[1065] Have you been taken aboard?

[1066] How do you not know that all these people are crazy?

[1067] Because I know a lot of crazy people, man. People are full of shit.

[1068] They lie a lot.

[1069] You have to always keep that.

[1070] Brian always says it best.

[1071] You always got to keep, what do you say?

[1072] You always got to keep all doors open.

[1073] What do you say?

[1074] What?

[1075] We were talking about this once before when it was about UFOs.

[1076] Oh, keep everything on the table.

[1077] Oh, keep everything.

[1078] Yeah.

[1079] Keep everything on the table.

[1080] Right.

[1081] Don't just commit to one thing or the other, man. Yeah.

[1082] Right.

[1083] When you're speaking about life and this is, I mean, think about this is the nuttiest fucking shit ever.

[1084] There's a new study that they found and that life today resembles life of a billion years ago.

[1085] or cancer today, rather, resembles life of a billion years ago.

[1086] Yeah, I saw that.

[1087] That's weird.

[1088] Yeah, I'm going to try to find the article.

[1089] It's very scary.

[1090] Because what it implies is that, you know, what we came out of, we came out of, here it is, right here.

[1091] Here's the article.

[1092] Life resemble, cancer cells resemble life one billion years ago.

[1093] And they have all these comparisons.

[1094] And, you know, this is all like some serious scientific study about the origins of life and the origins of cancer.

[1095] And the idea, and this is where it could be completely insane.

[1096] But the idea is.

[1097] If human life becomes so fucked up and chaotic and so unnatural and so polluted by chemicals and destroyed by ideology and nonsense and we just breed ourselves down to mush, this is the mush.

[1098] What this is, is this is what started life in the first place.

[1099] Life was just a series of fucking cells that grew out of control and became eventually human beings.

[1100] And for this shit to be growing inside of...

[1101] us at an ever -expanding rate constantly is like the primordial ooze trying to reclaim its creation.

[1102] This is the universal fucking etch -a -sketch and they're shaking it right now.

[1103] Wrap your fucking head around that, man. That's what cancer is, man. What cancer is is absolute proof positive that this is the wrong path and the universe is slowly swallowing the human race back up.

[1104] Wrap your shit around that, homie.

[1105] That's the universe's Noah's Ark. Fuck, man. All right.

[1106] You know, and we don't look at it that way.

[1107] I mean, we're obviously just learning this, but we don't look at it as being like something that could like be reversed that quickly.

[1108] But look at like, you know, they're talking about like cancer of like the 10 ,000, 100 ,000 years ago.

[1109] The people didn't get cancer.

[1110] They didn't get cancer.

[1111] There's a lot of scientists that believe that all cancer is within the industrial age and previously before that, any exposure to chemicals and things, carcinogen shit, but that this shit doesn't really exist in nature.

[1112] And when you're eating a primate, what would you call it, a paleo diet of all vegetables and all clean animals that you kill, you're not getting introduced to any of the shit that creates cancer.

[1113] And I don't know if that's right or not.

[1114] I mean, I don't know how the fuck they could ever prove it.

[1115] They would have to go back in time, you know, whatever, 100 ,000 years or whatever the fuck it was before people ever figured out how to fuck with chemicals.

[1116] What was that, 10 ,000 years ago?

[1117] Not even.

[1118] Probably only a couple.

[1119] Chemicals?

[1120] When was the first cancer?

[1121] When was the first cancer ever recorded?

[1122] Fuck.

[1123] It's a really interesting thing, man. Yeah, it really is.

[1124] Let's just get crazy and let's give it a few thousand years.

[1125] Let's say the first cancer started like 2 ,000 years ago, okay?

[1126] If that is the case...

[1127] Think about what a short period of time that is.

[1128] 2 ,000 years to today, and you compare how much more people have cancer now and how many more people are around now than before.

[1129] And constantly we're working on a cure for it.

[1130] We're going to figure it out.

[1131] We're going to figure it out.

[1132] It's like, whoa, what is this?

[1133] Yeah, what the fuck is cancer?

[1134] Life.

[1135] It's life growing out of control.

[1136] Yeah, exactly.

[1137] And the way to get – this is the crazy thing about life growing out of control in cancer.

[1138] The way they kill it.

[1139] They fucking poison the shit out of you.

[1140] They poison the shit out of you and they hope that this thing dies before the host does.

[1141] That's what chemotherapy is.

[1142] That's terrifying, man. That's a terrifying notion.

[1143] It's like you have a parasite inside you and we're going to slowly bring you to death's door.

[1144] And hopefully it'll kill the parasite.

[1145] And then you get to like start eating oatmeal again and walking without a limp.

[1146] And then as soon as that happens again, oh, your friend is back for another fucking round.

[1147] He grabs a hold of you, tries to choke you and drag you to the ground.

[1148] My brother had Hodgkin's when he was like 14 years old.

[1149] Oh, my God.

[1150] Had lumps and stuff.

[1151] He went to see a doctor.

[1152] First doctor he went to see, like, yeah, you're working out.

[1153] It's normal.

[1154] Something.

[1155] lands or whatever.

[1156] Oh, okay.

[1157] Go to a second doctor.

[1158] No, no, you have cancer.

[1159] Wow.

[1160] Yeah, no, he did the chemotherapy and everything.

[1161] He's fine.

[1162] What were the lumps like?

[1163] Dude, he had this huge lump right here.

[1164] Oh, like a Joey Diaz lump.

[1165] Well, that's what Dexter had.

[1166] What's his name?

[1167] Philip Michael Hall?

[1168] Michael C. Hall.

[1169] Michael C. Hall, is that his name?

[1170] Who's Philip Michael Hall?

[1171] The guy from the 80s movies.

[1172] So, yeah, it's a really common thing, right?

[1173] Yeah.

[1174] What do they think it's caused from?

[1175] Do they have any idea?

[1176] Is it genetic?

[1177] No idea, man. I mean, it's the same time we grew up.

[1178] We're just eating.

[1179] I have a big family.

[1180] I have eight brothers and sisters.

[1181] So we'd eat hot dogs and hamburger helper.

[1182] You never know where it can come from.

[1183] It can come from anywhere.

[1184] It can be genetic and all that stuff.

[1185] My aunt died of the same thing when she was 24, way back when she was young.

[1186] So it's somewhere.

[1187] in the genetics, but at the same time, you never know.

[1188] Are you paranoid?

[1189] Do you go to a doctor like twice a year?

[1190] No, I don't go to the doctor probably for that reason.

[1191] I probably should do it.

[1192] Wow, that's terrifying.

[1193] Do you eat really healthy?

[1194] Yeah, I eat well.

[1195] I know a dude who eats really bad and he's got cancer right now.

[1196] Oh, fuck.

[1197] But he's got really pale skin and he's always out in the sun.

[1198] Apparently he's got some skin cancer.

[1199] Skin cancer, yeah.

[1200] And he eats terrible.

[1201] It's all mashed potatoes and fucking meatloaf and shit.

[1202] You know, no vitamins.

[1203] So homeboy's got to start eating like a serious, serious heavy green diet.

[1204] Very leafy, thick green vegetables.

[1205] Whenever I do that, man, whenever I get really heavily into like eating salads, like big salads every day, I really feel way better.

[1206] It's really amazing.

[1207] It's like most of our food is so fucking...

[1208] dead.

[1209] You can get something.

[1210] There's something out of eating plants, out of eating live things.

[1211] You really do get something from it.

[1212] The scary thing is you've got to get fresh and organic.

[1213] In Montreal, I just went back there last week.

[1214] It's a snowstorm.

[1215] Nothing fresh is growing there.

[1216] Everything's imported from all around the world.

[1217] If you're not getting organic and fresh, the shit's been in a freezer, sitting in chemicals.

[1218] You've got to wash your My brother worked at a fruit and vegetable place.

[1219] He said they used to take the celery out.

[1220] You have to wear gloves when they'd unload it from the boxes and put it in the front because he'd get burns on his hands from the chemicals that were on the celery.

[1221] Think about that shit.

[1222] You're putting that in your body, man. And how long do you have to wash the celery for that shit to get off?

[1223] How long would it take before he started getting burns?

[1224] Oh, he said you learn right away.

[1225] You handle it a bit, and it's just the chemicals, especially on celery for some reason.

[1226] Fuck, I love celery, man. I make celery juice all the time.

[1227] Well, if you get, once again, organic and fresh.

[1228] I do, but still.

[1229] I've heard a lot of organic is bullshit, too.

[1230] They label it as organic, and it's not really organic.

[1231] What does organic stand for?

[1232] What is the actual definition of organic?

[1233] Does it mean no chemicals, no pesticides, no genetically modified?

[1234] I think that's what it's supposed to mean.

[1235] It's supposed to mean that.

[1236] But as we know, if you watch those documentaries like Food, Inc., the genetically modified, this shit flies all over the place.

[1237] That's nuts.

[1238] Well, that's what's really crazy about genetically modified crops is how they affect other farmers have gotten sued because the shit flew through the air and landed on their fields.

[1239] And they found these crops and they'll do a test on them.

[1240] And then these guys have to go to court and they want money from them.

[1241] It's the most evil shit ever.

[1242] Monsanto is one of the most evil corporations ever.

[1243] By the way, there was some fucking thing online about them buying Blackwater.

[1244] I don't know if they did.

[1245] I don't know if they did, but people were like, this is the end of the world.

[1246] This is the most evil organizations ever, and one's going to buy the other, and they're going to become one massive, super evil organization.

[1247] Could you imagine?

[1248] They want to fuck over the whole world.

[1249] They want to take over the food industry.

[1250] They want to make sure that people have to pay them for their crops.

[1251] You don't own...

[1252] your crops you don't own the seeds you can't replant the seeds and we got an army we got an army that will do anything we tell i need to find out if that actually is still happening or if it was bullshit or if they just hired him for something Yeah, there's this great French documentary, Life According to Monsanto, which is on Google.

[1253] Yeah, I watched it.

[1254] It's crazy.

[1255] What's the seed called?

[1256] The one that doesn't, you know, you have to keep buying it.

[1257] It's not the shotgun.

[1258] It's something like, it's a seed that doesn't, you know, it's not a crop that will keep coming back.

[1259] You have to plant it every season.

[1260] Fuck.

[1261] I don't remember it.

[1262] The genetically modified seed that you have to just, the farmers are at Monsanto's mercy because they can't just keep some of the crops and these things die every year.

[1263] Right, right.

[1264] So you have to keep buying from your dealer.

[1265] They've engineered them that way, right?

[1266] Yeah, they engineered the, what's it called?

[1267] Anyway, but yeah, no, they're like, you look dead.

[1268] Well, okay, here's the answer.

[1269] They're hiding it because it's, they've, this is, one article said Monsanto buys Blackwater.

[1270] And then another.

[1271] argument or another article rather says Blackwater has been sold via a shell company and a pair of private equity firms.

[1272] So does this mean Monsanto has actually bought into Blackwater?

[1273] And they're saying there's no way to know.

[1274] How creepy and scary are these motherfuckers?

[1275] When one of the biggest corporations that controls the food on this planet has its own private army.

[1276] Do you know how crazy that is?

[1277] How come this isn't being discussed?

[1278] Everybody wants to talk about how many black guys Kim Kardashian's fucked.

[1279] Everyone wants to talk about how gay people shouldn't get married.

[1280] Yeah, this is scary.

[1281] People are taking over the world and you're worried about fucking guys getting married.

[1282] Well, the crazy thing is people think this is ridiculous.

[1283] This is like hippie nonsense.

[1284] All this fucking, you know, what are you doing?

[1285] No, no, no. is big business is what this is the biggest business in the world the number one business in the world besides drugs is food and the only reason why drugs is more than food is because drugs is illegal you know food's worth way more than drugs drugs should be cheaper but they're illegal you know I mean fuck man but it's probably not even close anyway more people spend way more money on food than drugs anyway even though drugs are illegal even if you're fucking like a maniac yeah you'd have to be off the charts.

[1286] Everybody would have to be off the charts.

[1287] But anyway, so how the fuck, man?

[1288] How could this happen?

[1289] Man, dude, I...

[1290] That's so scary.

[1291] It's very scary.

[1292] I mean, I just read on another similar kind of thing, I just read about they're going to start selling genetically modified salmon that grows twice as big in half the time.

[1293] And they're like, oh, we're not too worried about these salmon and going into the wild.

[1294] Of course they're going to go in the wild.

[1295] You'd have no...

[1296] And they're like, oh, the tests have proven that it's fine.

[1297] Really?

[1298] Have you tested this on a generation of people?

[1299] No, you haven't.

[1300] No one has a fucking clue.

[1301] No fucking idea.

[1302] They're like, oh, we tried for three months.

[1303] No one got sick.

[1304] Let's put a new species of animal that would be out on the market for people to eat.

[1305] There's a fish that, I mean, just whenever an animal comes from another ecosystem and invades as an alien, they can ruin everything, man. I think it's called the snakehead.

[1306] I think that's the name of the fish.

[1307] But it's a fish that I believe it's from Africa.

[1308] I'm just talking out of my ass right now.

[1309] I'll find out what it is.

[1310] But snakehead invasion is what I'm going to look up.

[1311] Because these fish, they started showing up in lakes and ponds and just eating everything, dude.

[1312] Eating everything.

[1313] Yeah, snakehead.

[1314] That's exactly what it is.

[1315] Jesus.

[1316] Yeah, they've turned up in lakes and rivers all over the country.

[1317] And it's a real big problem because they're like invincible.

[1318] Do they know where they came from?

[1319] They just breed like a motherfucker.

[1320] I'm looking for it on here.

[1321] It doesn't say what country comes from.

[1322] Cobra Island.

[1323] Wikipedia.

[1324] Let's see.

[1325] It's a scary thing, though, man. They just come in, and imagine if you're the guy who likes going fishing, and they're scary as fuck looking, man. They look like some fucking crazy dinosaur thing, man. Okay, they are from Africa, so I wasn't talking on my ass.

[1326] So this is the fish.

[1327] It looks like, look at this shit.

[1328] It looks like a dinosaur.

[1329] Holy shit.

[1330] Yeah.

[1331] It looks like a dinosaur, man. Look at that fucking thing.

[1332] That's a creepy -looking fucking fish.

[1333] And dudes just have them for pets.

[1334] I had piranhas for pets, and it was against the law because of that very reason, yeah.

[1335] But I know a dude who knows a dude, you know what I'm saying?

[1336] I'm going to get you some piranhas, yo.

[1337] I had to, like, get illegal piranhas.

[1338] That's pretty badass having piranhas.

[1339] It was, but it wasn't.

[1340] Did you have to, like, throw, like, your cat in there to feed them?

[1341] Like, what do you do?

[1342] No, I love my cat, man. Come on.

[1343] Well, how do you feed them?

[1344] You just get meat?

[1345] Goldfish.

[1346] Yeah, goldfish is what they love.

[1347] Okay.

[1348] Yeah, it's a trip watching them feed, too, man. You can feed them hot dogs and shit like that, too, if you're really not into watching them kill something.

[1349] But there's something so primal about watching those fucking things just attack a school of goldfish.

[1350] And the goldfish, it was really a sick thing that I used to do.

[1351] I used to get a bag of goldfish, and then I would sit, I'd pull my barstool in front of this giant tank.

[1352] How many of the piranhas?

[1353] Piranhas?

[1354] At one point, I had 30.

[1355] Jesus.

[1356] Yeah.

[1357] It was a big tank.

[1358] It was huge.

[1359] The tank was, I don't know, hundreds of gallons.

[1360] I forget how many hundreds, but it was really big.

[1361] Anyway, it was maybe over 1 ,000.

[1362] It might have been over 1 ,000 gallons, I think.

[1363] Whoa.

[1364] I don't even remember anymore.

[1365] It's been so many years.

[1366] Anyways, big tank.

[1367] I had too many when I had like 30.

[1368] It was a good number when I had like five.

[1369] Five is a good number because they get crazy and they start killing each other.

[1370] If you have too many of them.

[1371] Not even if you have too many of them.

[1372] Just one of them shows up with a limp.

[1373] That's a wrap.

[1374] That's wrap, Daisy.

[1375] Even if they're not hungry, they just attack them.

[1376] They just attack them and fuck them up.

[1377] So I would dump the goldfish in there, and they would look at the goldfish for a second, and they would slowly move closer, slowly move closer, and then one of them would go for it.

[1378] And when one of them would go for it, they would just dart, snap, and cut a goldfish in half, and then the blood would be in the water, and then it was on like Donkey Kong.

[1379] And then I would sit there and watch them go back and forth and chasing them around, these little driftwood things and shit, and the goldfish.

[1380] fish don't know what the fuck is going on and they're just getting cut down like a goddamn horror movie just And they're primal, man. They are fucking savage.

[1381] They're stealing dead goldfish from each other.

[1382] Like one's got a half a goldfish and the other one comes out and bites it off of his face.

[1383] So after like a good like killing when they would go nuts, they would be missing lips and shit.

[1384] Their lips would be because they would be stealing from each other and they cut their own lips off.

[1385] So they were always like this really – they're creepy looking anyway, but they were even more creepy when their white teeth were exposed and they'd be swimming around this fucking thing.

[1386] And a lot of people cut their lips off.

[1387] just so they can see the white teeth.

[1388] You pull them out, you remove their lips, and then you put them back in the water.

[1389] And they swim around like monsters.

[1390] They look even scarier that way.

[1391] Modified piranhas.

[1392] Dude, there's a fucking crazy piranha.

[1393] It's like a cousin to a piranha.

[1394] And they just, fuck, what is the name of it?

[1395] This big tigerfish.

[1396] And they just caught one in the Congo.

[1397] This guy went and they had this TV show about it.

[1398] He caught this thing in the Congo.

[1399] It's the nuttiest thing you've ever seen in your life.

[1400] It's got teeth that are as long.

[1401] as great white shark teeth.

[1402] Enormous teeth.

[1403] And it looks like a monster.

[1404] It does not look like a real fish.

[1405] Just this ridiculous mouth of giant fucking teeth and just these dead eyes and this big fucking plate -covered body of death just swimming through incredibly fast waters and fucking things up.

[1406] And it's huge.

[1407] It's 100 pounds, 150 pounds.

[1408] They kill people.

[1409] They've bitten people's legs and shit, taken chunks out of them.

[1410] You fall in, man. They bite you if you're still.

[1411] They're still in there.

[1412] They're going to keep biting.

[1413] That's it.

[1414] It's a wrap.

[1415] If there's a bunch of them there, they really are like a giant piranha.

[1416] Yeah.

[1417] Thank God we're separated from these guys.

[1418] Fuck yeah, man. Fuck yeah.

[1419] If those things had legs, we'd all be fucked.

[1420] Dude.

[1421] Well, we're fucked if fucking mountain lions increase in population.

[1422] Yeah.

[1423] You know?

[1424] In California, especially Southern California, it's every couple of years some asshole on a bike gets jacked by a cougar.

[1425] I know.

[1426] I know.

[1427] I love fucking hiking, but I get so...

[1428] Dude.

[1429] I love smoking and going hiking, and I get so...

[1430] I walk around...

[1431] My brother came to visit me. I was walking around with rocks because I saw a Discovery Channel thing.

[1432] But people getting attacked by a mountain lion.

[1433] Bring mace if you want to bring something.

[1434] I had bear mace that I used to bring.

[1435] When I lived in Colorado, I used to carry a gun.

[1436] I carried two guns once.

[1437] A gun always and mace.

[1438] I'd bring mace.

[1439] Because bears, you don't really want to shoot bears, man. Because first of all, with a 9mm, you shoot a bear.

[1440] Guess what?

[1441] You're not going to kill them.

[1442] You're just going to make them really, really fucking mad.

[1443] And Colorado doesn't have...

[1444] many grizzlies like a lot of it was black bears but but they could i mean shit i mean they're in montana they're in a lot of places you don't know i mean they don't have a real accurate number of how many grizzlies are out there and they've they found a few in colorado it was because there was um a zoo that we went to that they had two grizzlies that were in the zoo and the reason why they had them in there was because they had gotten too used to people they started jacking people's garbage and once they start jacking your garbage that's it they know that that's a food source and they never quit they just they never move on to like a new neighborhood They just will camp out and just jack your garbage every night.

[1445] So it becomes an issue and they have to kidnap them.

[1446] Fuck it, man. When you see them out there, I mean, I never saw a bear in the wild, but I did see a mountain lion.

[1447] But seeing a bear in the zoo and just thinking about this thing is allowed to roam around in the same area as you.

[1448] Yeah.

[1449] Like this is a monster.

[1450] This is a giant fucking enormous monster.

[1451] Yeah.

[1452] And sometimes they get really hungry.

[1453] Oh.

[1454] And they'll eat your kids.

[1455] They'll fuck you up, man. Yeah, dude.

[1456] Did you see Grizzly Man?

[1457] No, no, no. Dude.

[1458] You guys, the best comedy ever.

[1459] Yeah?

[1460] Oh, my God.

[1461] What's Grizzly Man?

[1462] Grizzly Man is a documentary about this guy named Timothy Treadwell.

[1463] Yeah.

[1464] And Timothy Treadwell was this guy who was, like, in love with grizzlies.

[1465] It was one of the weirdest things ever, man. Really strange.

[1466] And the guy was uber gay.

[1467] Just really gay and completely in denial.

[1468] And the way he would like face his gayness was to live in the woods with these fucking bears.

[1469] It was the strangest thing ever.

[1470] This guy, there was so many deep psychological issues going on with this guy.

[1471] Like a bear closet.

[1472] Yeah, like they interview his friends and they're like, well, he used to talk in an accent, but then he stopped.

[1473] He's one of those guys.

[1474] I mean, he's completely nuts.

[1475] And he'd be out there.

[1476] I'm the only one who's out here saving these bears.

[1477] Meanwhile, the park ranger is like, you don't have to save them.

[1478] They're bears.

[1479] No one's here.

[1480] You're not doing anything.

[1481] You're crazy.

[1482] You're living with these bears.

[1483] You're actually endangering the bears because you're getting the bears used to being in contact with humans.

[1484] And that's what gets bears in trouble.

[1485] They get used to people being around because he's around all the time.

[1486] And they go, oh, well, let me go just jack this dude's picnic basket.

[1487] And then you got to shoot him.

[1488] So what he's actually doing is fucking these bears over.

[1489] So this guy is just out there every year.

[1490] I'm here saving these bears.

[1491] These bears without me, they'd be nowhere.

[1492] And he calls them.

[1493] He has a bunch of names for them.

[1494] Hello, Mr. Cupcake.

[1495] And the bear takes a shit.

[1496] And he runs over to the bear shit.

[1497] He goes, it's warm.

[1498] Oh, it just came out of her butt.

[1499] It just came out of her butt.

[1500] This is warm.

[1501] This guy is touching it.

[1502] And he's excited that he's in contact with this shit that just came out of her ass.

[1503] And I'm not kidding.

[1504] And he thinks it's a magical shit.

[1505] He's amazed by it.

[1506] This is amazing.

[1507] It's warm.

[1508] He actually said this.

[1509] He's feeling her shit.

[1510] Shit.

[1511] Saying that it's warm.

[1512] Could you imagine if he was doing that to a woman?

[1513] There's a woman, a woman out, you know, he runs into her bathroom and fucking jacks her shit and he's holding on to it.

[1514] It's warm.

[1515] It just came out of her butt.

[1516] It's warm.

[1517] It's just as bizarre.

[1518] Just as bizarre to be doing that with a fucking bear, you weirdo.

[1519] Great movie.

[1520] And at the end, he dies.

[1521] Yeah, I'm sure it is.

[1522] It's Werner Herzog.

[1523] Oh, okay.

[1524] It's fucking fascinating because it seems like Werner Herzog is not in on the joke, which makes it even more interesting.

[1525] It's like, this guy's a brilliant documentarian.

[1526] Does he know how hilarious this is?

[1527] Because it doesn't appear that he does.

[1528] Because it doesn't seem like he's playing it off that way at all.

[1529] And even when he talks to the woman at the end, I would love to sit down with him off the record and ask him a question.

[1530] I would love to go, did you know that was funny when you were doing it?

[1531] Because it's goddamn brilliant, dude.

[1532] It's hilarious.

[1533] It's so funny.

[1534] Sounds like a great Christopher Guest.

[1535] They deadpan everybody too.

[1536] They bring in the sheriff from up in Alaska.

[1537] Well, I knew he was going to get in trouble up there.

[1538] They have these interviews with these people and they're talking about how he had to recognize the body and how they had to shoot the bear because the bear was still there guarding over the bodies.

[1539] Yeah, the guy had flown over.

[1540] Oh, yeah.

[1541] You have to kill him.

[1542] Once they start killing people, you have to kill him.

[1543] But what it was was the guy – they called it suicide by bear.

[1544] And what happened was the guy had just – And when you get to a certain point in time, the bears that are conscious or that are up, that aren't hibernating, are all the ones who are dying.

[1545] They're all really old.

[1546] And the really old bears get desperate, and they can't get any food.

[1547] And they started killing their own babies.

[1548] And when you see bears kill their own babies, you're supposed to get the fuck out of there.

[1549] Because if they're killing their babies, they're desperate as fuck.

[1550] They're eating anything.

[1551] They eat their own goddamn babies.

[1552] Bears are camping it in.

[1553] And a bear killed him.

[1554] And it took a long time.

[1555] And there's a video, but there's no image because the lens cap was on, but the camera was running.

[1556] And they have like seven minutes of him getting torn apart by bears, by this one bear.

[1557] Because the thing about bears is they just start eating you.

[1558] See, a real carnivore or rather a real predator like a cat, cats kill you first because they want to keep killing things.

[1559] And they don't want to.

[1560] have to worry about fighting you you know the hyenas though hyenas just start eating and that's the same with bears bears they get you down they just start eating monkeys chimps when chimps kill monkeys they just eat them they don't kill them first there's videos of chimps screaming while um or monkeys rather screaming while a chimp has a hold of its little body and is biting its legs off pulling it apart and this monkey's screaming and it looks like a little person it looks like a weird little person in an outfit and it's getting ripped apart by this chimp who's just chewing on it it's fucking Dark, dude.

[1561] And that's what bears do.

[1562] And that's what bear did to Timothy Treadwell.

[1563] Just ate him for seven minutes until he died.

[1564] Somewhere that footage exists, too.

[1565] No video, man. Only audio.

[1566] There was no video footage.

[1567] Yeah, but Werner Herzog listened to it, that fuck, and he didn't play it for us.

[1568] Yeah.

[1569] And he said, this is too much for people to handle.

[1570] You need to burn this.

[1571] Burn this.

[1572] Like, bitch, why don't you let some other people decide?

[1573] Maybe just being a little overreactive.

[1574] Well, when did he shoot that?

[1575] How long ago?

[1576] It's a few years ago.

[1577] It's like 2000.

[1578] Five years ago, maybe.

[1579] Maybe even more than that.

[1580] It might have been like 2004.

[1581] Everyone watches videos.

[1582] Every time someone gets their head chopped off, my brother's like, yo, check out the video.

[1583] I'm like, what are you fucking nuts?

[1584] Well, there's nothing graphic about it.

[1585] 2005.

[1586] There's nothing graphic about it.

[1587] I mean, they don't really show you, but when they say the way they found out that the guy had died was that...

[1588] They flew in with some supplies for him, and as the guy was flying in a plane, he saw a bear that was out, which he thought was unusual, and he saw the bodies.

[1589] He flew over and saw the white rib cage poking up of a guy that had just been eaten.

[1590] He ate two people.

[1591] He ate him and he ate his girlfriend, too.

[1592] They were both fucked up there.

[1593] So they landed, and they had to land with rangers and rifles and shit, and they had to kill the bear.

[1594] And the bear, they killed the bear and they left the bear.

[1595] This is the really crazy thing.

[1596] And then they came back a couple of months later.

[1597] Fucking nothing left.

[1598] Nothing of the body.

[1599] It had all been absorbed.

[1600] Animals had eaten it.

[1601] Other bears had eaten it.

[1602] The bones were all crushed up.

[1603] It was incredible.

[1604] They found a couple of rib bones.

[1605] It's really amazing.

[1606] You're talking about this giant grizzly bear.

[1607] I mean, they had photos of the bear and video footage of the bear from previous stuff that he had gotten before the bear killed him.

[1608] Back when there was salmon running, like they got the bear eating fish and shit.

[1609] Dude, it's a giant animal.

[1610] And it just...

[1611] Within a few months, it's gone.

[1612] Get really big before you watch it, though.

[1613] Oh, dude, it's one of the greatest documentaries ever.

[1614] Most unintentional comedy, I think, ever in a documentary.

[1615] It's like Richard Simmons out in the woods.

[1616] It's like a Coen Brothers movie.

[1617] It really is like the Coen Brothers did it as a goof.

[1618] I mean, I was amazed.

[1619] But it's kind of perfect that the bear ate him in terms of the documentary.

[1620] Sure.

[1621] Herzog was probably there going.

[1622] Yes.

[1623] Yeah, well, I believe he started the documentary after the guy died.

[1624] Oh, OK.

[1625] Yeah.

[1626] How did they?

[1627] He had video footage that he had shot himself for years and years by himself.

[1628] And he's so crazy.

[1629] He would set up the camera and he would look into the camera.

[1630] I'm out here alone in this forest protecting these bears because no one else gives a shit.

[1631] No one gives a shit.

[1632] So fuck you, park ranger.

[1633] Fuck you, United States government.

[1634] Fuck you, Alaska.

[1635] Like he's just going off, like screaming.

[1636] OK, let's try this again.

[1637] Take three.

[1638] And he'll do it like over and over and over again.

[1639] And he obsessively filmed himself.

[1640] So they have, not only do they have this incredible wealth of footage from here, but I watched the Grizzly Man diaries, okay?

[1641] Because he has so much footage, they turned it into a fucking reality show seven years after this dude's dead, okay?

[1642] And I watch it all the time.

[1643] There's a fucking reality show.

[1644] I didn't know that.

[1645] Dude, I watch it all the time.

[1646] You want to watch it?

[1647] So it's just like all the bonus cuts?

[1648] After we're done here, bro, let's get something to eat.

[1649] We'll hit the fucking vaporizer.

[1650] We'll fucking have a good time.

[1651] It's genius.

[1652] He's a genius, man. He's just gold.

[1653] He's gold all day.

[1654] I wish the motherfucker was still alive.

[1655] I would have him on the podcast in a heartbeat, son.

[1656] Wasn't there a part in it where he goes, everyone, did you already say this?

[1657] Everyone thinks I'm gay.

[1658] He talks about it.

[1659] There's a part.

[1660] Well, he walks with a camera.

[1661] He's like, well, you know, I guess, no, this is what he said.

[1662] He goes, it'd be so much easier if I was gay.

[1663] You know, I just can't find a girl.

[1664] I can't find the right girl.

[1665] I can't find the right girl.

[1666] Maybe it's because you're living in the woods with monsters.

[1667] You fuck.

[1668] Chicks want to be putting a nice roof over their head.

[1669] They want to be taken care of.

[1670] They want a man who loves them and supports them.

[1671] Let's go live in a house made of fabric amongst monsters.

[1672] You want me to sleep outside on the ground with no more than fabric.

[1673] above me while monsters roam around.

[1674] They're my friends.

[1675] Look, it's Mr. Cupcake.

[1676] Hey, Mr. Cupcake.

[1677] When you eat me in a couple of months, can you think you could start from the head first so I die quicker?

[1678] Ass first.

[1679] Seven minutes this guy dies.

[1680] Think about how fucking long, think about holding your breath for seven minutes, right?

[1681] That's a long ass time.

[1682] Now think, you can't do it.

[1683] Now think about something eating you for seven minutes before you die.

[1684] Eating you.

[1685] Pulling chunks out.

[1686] You're screaming.

[1687] And it's just eating your feet.

[1688] And you're just squirting blood like a broken faucet.

[1689] When do you just pass out?

[1690] I don't know, man. I don't know.

[1691] You're like, okay, I'm dying.

[1692] And you accept it.

[1693] And then you wake up when he bites your dick off.

[1694] Six more minutes.

[1695] You're like, okay, I'm dying.

[1696] Okay, I'm going to die.

[1697] Still conscious.

[1698] He just starts eating your asshole.

[1699] Just big chunks.

[1700] He's got his giant paw and he puts it on your cheek.

[1701] And he's just ripping out your asshole.

[1702] Just pulling out, literally eating your asshole while you're still alive.

[1703] Dude, man. Fuck a bear, man. Fuck a bear.

[1704] People in my neighborhood, too, when I lived in the Colorado mountains, are like, well, if you see a bear, you report it.

[1705] What the fuck are you talking about?

[1706] I'm going to shoot that thing.

[1707] I'm going to shoot the fuck out of that thing.

[1708] If I had a rifle?

[1709] Not with a pistol, though.

[1710] With a pistol, you've got to use the mace, man. Fucking scary animals, goddammit.

[1711] We need them.

[1712] We need them.

[1713] We need them in our woods.

[1714] Fuck you, we do.

[1715] Fucking kill them all.

[1716] Put them in zoos.

[1717] That's why I don't do the whole, I don't know if you guys surf, but I have a bunch of friends that surf and they want me to go, I'm like, you do, you have any idea of the size of the monsters that are in there?

[1718] Guy just died recently in Santa Barbara, man. Yeah, man. Bit in half in front of his friends.

[1719] Like, if sharks were walking on land, you'd go, I'm not going where those monsters are hanging out.

[1720] Right.

[1721] You're going really on this little boy.

[1722] You're going where there are like...

[1723] things that eat people that are twice or three or four times the size of you.

[1724] You know what?

[1725] I think I'm going to play.

[1726] If I'm going to surf, I'm going to do it on the Xbox.

[1727] Yeah, right.

[1728] I'll do that.

[1729] This is what I tell people.

[1730] If there were three werewolves in the country, fact proven three werewolves, would you ever be in the woods at night on a full moon?

[1731] Ever.

[1732] Why the fuck would you take that chance?

[1733] You wouldn't.

[1734] OK, well, there's a million sharks you fuck.

[1735] And they're not just sharks when it's a full moon.

[1736] They're sharks every day.

[1737] And they can't even stop because if they stop, they drown.

[1738] So they have to keep swimming and they have to keep eating.

[1739] And they eat shoes and license plates and tires and they'll eat you.

[1740] They'll eat you, bro.

[1741] And they'll eat you quick.

[1742] They take giant bites out of you and you're fucked.

[1743] I'm sure surfing is awesome, but it ain't that awesome.

[1744] I wear shoes in the ocean.

[1745] I won't even fucking know that.

[1746] I did like the biggest pussy thing ever.

[1747] Give me some knuckles on that smart thinking right there.

[1748] Yeah, I mean, people will always like, there's another subject, like people, Joe needs to lighten up, he's so scared of things, so paranoid of things.

[1749] Obviously, a lot of this is for entertainment, folks.

[1750] I'm not shaking every time I walk by the ocean.

[1751] But the point being, logically and realistically, we're all going to die eventually.

[1752] Absolutely.

[1753] But that's not the fun way to go.

[1754] The fun way to go is you live a long life.

[1755] You fucking party your ass off.

[1756] You make a lot of good friends.

[1757] People miss you when you're gone.

[1758] You're surrounded by your friends and loved ones as you pass to the next stage of existence.

[1759] Not, oh, look how pretty the water is.

[1760] Where's my legs?

[1761] And some fucking thing is just taking chunks out of you.

[1762] I mean, fucking huge, man. I mean, there are sharks that are 30 feet long out there.

[1763] What are you talking about?

[1764] 30 feet long.

[1765] 30 feet long with giant mouths that have so many teeth.

[1766] If one breaks off, another one pops into its place.

[1767] There's no animal like it in the world.

[1768] Every other animal, when they lose a tooth, they're fucked.

[1769] Okay?

[1770] If a lion loses his tooth, man, that's just a new young lion that's going to take over, motherfucker.

[1771] You can't be gum and no gazelles.

[1772] How are you protecting me with them fucking shitty teeth?

[1773] That lion dies off.

[1774] Not a shark.

[1775] They can lose a hundred teeth.

[1776] Whatever.

[1777] Clink, clink.

[1778] Oh, I got more.

[1779] Clink, clink.

[1780] Just designed to fuck you up, man. And you're drowning at the same time.

[1781] It's like not like how fucking horrible is drowning.

[1782] You're drowning while something is eating your entire body.

[1783] Like those piranha fucked up those goldfish, man. I'm just scared of karma, man. I've fucked a lot of goldfish over.

[1784] Send a lot of goldfish to a watery grave.

[1785] If there's any karma out there, I mean, the universe, does it really give a fuck about the difference between the life of a goldfish or the life of a person?

[1786] I mean, I took some pleasure in the death of goldfish, and I set it up.

[1787] I introduced some alien fish that aren't even supposed to be in this environment.

[1788] I had a fake artificial environment in my own home, and I would use it for a little goldfish coliseum.

[1789] You're playing God, man. I'm playing God, man. I ain't going in that water.

[1790] I know what I did wrong.

[1791] I'm not going in that water.

[1792] Someone's going to make a genetically modified goldfish.

[1793] get huge and it's gonna come for you, man. It's gonna grow legs.

[1794] It's gonna come knock on your door.

[1795] Did you hear about the shit that's going on in Russia, man?

[1796] What's going on in Russia?

[1797] Dude, the wolves...

[1798] What is this going on on the screen there, Brian?

[1799] Some weird shit right there.

[1800] It's always been like that.

[1801] What is it?

[1802] It's just design.

[1803] Oh, you put it there?

[1804] Yeah.

[1805] Oh, you fucking weirdo.

[1806] Trying to be artistic.

[1807] Anyway, there's a pack of wolves in this area of Russia.

[1808] There's...

[1809] unprecedentedly big.

[1810] 400 wolves.

[1811] And they're acting together and they're killing livestock like horses.

[1812] They're acting together as a group.

[1813] It's really scary.

[1814] And they have groups of hunters that are going after them.

[1815] Let me pull it up real quick.

[1816] It's really scary.

[1817] Can you imagine you're in the woods taking a little stroll, 400 wolves in front of you?

[1818] Dude, it's really scary.

[1819] There's a video of wolves in Russia.

[1820] Have you ever seen the video on YouTube?

[1821] Yo, you've got to check out this video.

[1822] It's fucking badass.

[1823] Have you ever seen it, Brian?

[1824] No. Some people think it's fake.

[1825] I do not believe it's fake.

[1826] It's a video of these guys that are pulling over people in Russia.

[1827] They're pulling people over for traffic violations, and they're right by the wolves, the woods, rather.

[1828] And as they're in there, one guy is pulling a guy over.

[1829] A guy yells who's on the other side of the street.

[1830] And as he yells, the guy who's the cop panics.

[1831] He yells something in Russian.

[1832] Panics and gets into the car of the people he pulled over.

[1833] Jumps in it quick.

[1834] And as he jumps in it, this pack of wolves runs down the street.

[1835] It's a motherfucker, dude.

[1836] And as they're running, they go.

[1837] Why do people think it's fake?

[1838] A lot of people don't think it's real.

[1839] People call fake.

[1840] I mean, look at you.

[1841] You call fake on everything.

[1842] Pull it up.

[1843] Pack of wolves, police officer.

[1844] Pull that up on YouTube.

[1845] But anyway, so this super pack of wolves is terrorizing this fucking town.

[1846] They've killed 30 horses in four days.

[1847] Yeah.

[1848] What?

[1849] They've never seen anything like it before, and they've had to put bounties on the wolves' heads.

[1850] So they're poking 210, I don't know what it is, because it's pounds, I believe it is.

[1851] It might be euros, 210 euros.

[1852] It's probably euros, right?

[1853] Do they go under the euro?

[1854] That was a vodka, by the way.

[1855] It was a vodka.

[1856] Was it fake?

[1857] Yeah.

[1858] It was fake.

[1859] Okay.

[1860] Well, this is a vodka ad.

[1861] How did you find those so quickly?

[1862] How did they make it a vodka ad?

[1863] I searched it, and it says...

[1864] Wolf Attack Video is a viral ad for a vodka brand.

[1865] But it doesn't even have the vodka in it.

[1866] How does that advertise vodka?

[1867] Pull the video.

[1868] It's pretty dope.

[1869] I think once people find out.

[1870] It does seem a little bit too well filmed.

[1871] Yeah.

[1872] It did too good of a job.

[1873] So anyway, think about this shit, man. The temperatures up there are minus 49 degrees Celsius, and it killed off all the normal prey of these wolves.

[1874] So these wolves thrive in cold weather, but there's a lot of animals.

[1875] Yo, what are you doing, man?

[1876] Just cue that shit up so we don't have to watch this guy's gay ad.

[1877] Presents.

[1878] I present.

[1879] Here it goes.

[1880] So, yeah, see, that looks like too well -framed.

[1881] You know?

[1882] Yeah.

[1883] That's a good traffic camera.

[1884] Both cars are in frame.

[1885] But it's pretty dope, man. I like when it happens.

[1886] I wish it was real.

[1887] Yeah.

[1888] I wish it was a werewolf.

[1889] Yeah.

[1890] So, I mean, think about that temperature right there.

[1891] 49 degrees Celsius.

[1892] That's fucking crazy.

[1893] That's Edmonton.

[1894] Minus 49 degrees.

[1895] Yeah.

[1896] And so these wolves have nothing to eat.

[1897] So they all figured out how to get together.

[1898] And this population, this town, is only 1 ,300 people.

[1899] So wrap your head around that.

[1900] 1 ,300 people, 400 wolves.

[1901] So almost for every three people, there's a wolf.

[1902] Oh, man. What the f***?

[1903] Fuck, man. Get the fuck out of that town, dude.

[1904] Every three people, there's a wolf.

[1905] Jesus.

[1906] The chances of you dying by wolf attack are like the chances of you dying of old age are nothing.

[1907] It's terrifying.

[1908] And it's just started to happen again.

[1909] There's been two instances in the last like, you know, fucking hundred years or so.

[1910] And they've both been within the last 10 years of people getting killed by wolves.

[1911] It's on record.

[1912] We used to think that like wolves are cool, man. They're like dogs, man. They're like rebels.

[1913] No, they're fucking killers.

[1914] Yeah.

[1915] They'll kill you too.

[1916] You know, if they catch you alone, we used to have like all the, remember the old Walt Disney movies?

[1917] There was like the wolves, like try to get beauty and the beast.

[1918] The wolf would fucking sneak up on him.

[1919] Yeah.

[1920] He would have to fucking fight off the wolves that wanted to kill beauty.

[1921] Right.

[1922] Remember that shit?

[1923] Oh yeah.

[1924] They attacked him.

[1925] That's real.

[1926] Yeah.

[1927] We just have fucked them over so bad in this country that we started to have respect for them again.

[1928] Like, Oh, wolves aren't so bad.

[1929] Yeah.

[1930] They're cool, man. Yeah.

[1931] We need them.

[1932] They're beautiful.

[1933] You know, they represent freedom.

[1934] Wolves represent freedom.

[1935] I never think about wolves, but this guy thinks about wolves every day.

[1936] Yeah, I think about all animals.

[1937] Because I'm closer to an animal than you are.

[1938] For sure.

[1939] There's 1 % DNA differential, whatever the fuck it is, between humans and chimpanzees.

[1940] I'm closer to a chimp.

[1941] I'm more cat.

[1942] God damn it.

[1943] I'm too close.

[1944] I want to go into the woods.

[1945] I'm gravitating.

[1946] I gravitate towards wild.

[1947] If there was a rainforest, I'd fucking live in it.

[1948] If we had a rainforest right here, I'd figure out, how do you kill the bugs?

[1949] What do you get?

[1950] Electricity?

[1951] Can you zap them?

[1952] I need to have an area around, but live in a fucking rainforest.

[1953] That would be the shit.

[1954] Yeah, by shit you mean insanely dangerous and boring.

[1955] Anywhere where spiders can kill you, spiders can kill you, I'm not going there.

[1956] How about spiders that destroy your hormones, man?

[1957] There's a fucking Brazilian spider that we talked about.

[1958] What the fuck was that thing called?

[1959] I'm just scared of, I don't remember, I'm just scared of regular spiders in my bed because you read that some of these spiders are poisonous here in California.

[1960] California, and they hide in your shoes and your bed.

[1961] Are there black widows here that have them?

[1962] Yeah, they're black and brown.

[1963] Fuck, those things scare them.

[1964] Yeah, I saw brown outside my house the other day.

[1965] Recluses are the scary ones.

[1966] Yeah?

[1967] Because recluses, they do something to your skin that causes your skin to die.

[1968] So it causes your tissue to dissolve.

[1969] It's really fucked up, man. Necrosis, I believe it's called.

[1970] And when they bite you, they unload on you with all this fucking toxin, and it just crushes your skin.

[1971] Where it's like...

[1972] giant gaping wounds occur from one little spider bite because all the area around your skin dies and rots.

[1973] It's scary shit, man. Really spooky shit.

[1974] Let me find this.

[1975] I'm never going out again.

[1976] I'm taking this fleshlight.

[1977] Brazilian wandering spider.

[1978] That's what it is.

[1979] And I believe we've talked about it on the podcast before.

[1980] You got to look this up.

[1981] Were you always a musician like growing up or like did you rap growing up?

[1982] Don't change subject, motherfucker.

[1983] We're talking about vipers and shit.

[1984] I wanted to bring.

[1985] up this one thing when we're talking about that.

[1986] I watched the Hornets vs. Wasps thing that you mentioned.

[1987] Was it Hornets vs. Wasps?

[1988] When the hornets attack the bees' nests or whatever?

[1989] Yes.

[1990] Did you see that?

[1991] I watched that, dude.

[1992] That was military shit.

[1993] Dude, that's scary.

[1994] Those are monsters.

[1995] I mean, if they were big, if they were like horses, can you imagine if a bee was the size of a horse?

[1996] This is what it's called, the Burmese Russell Viper.

[1997] That's what it is.

[1998] It's a Russell Viper.

[1999] And what these things, they cause uncontrollable hemorrhaging of your pituitary gland where all your sex hormones are controlled.

[2000] So if you get bit by this fucking thing and if you survive the bite, which you probably won't, you'll be permanently impotent.

[2001] And you become like a eunuch.

[2002] Like you lose all your pubic hair.

[2003] You stop, you know, you stop producing testosterone.

[2004] Your body just gets jacked.

[2005] You get neutered.

[2006] You get neutered by a bite.

[2007] No, this is a python.

[2008] Oh, it's a python.

[2009] Yeah.

[2010] What the spider does is the spider breaks your dick by forcing you to have raging, uncontrollable heart -ons that you can't, like painful, agonizing hormones, heart -ons.

[2011] And when the heart -on's over, your dick's broken.

[2012] So either you're dead, either you die.

[2013] And by the way, it's the most potent toxin of any spider.

[2014] So it either kills you or you live and your dick's broken forever.

[2015] So both animals break your dick.

[2016] No wonder instinctively we're afraid of spiders.

[2017] You can see just a tiny spider like, because some of those can fuck you up.

[2018] Yeah, there's genetic memories.

[2019] I'm absolutely convinced, and I've read about it before.

[2020] This guy, Rupert Sheldrake, was talking about, I believe he's an evolutionary biologist, and he was talking about how animals are what people are really terrified of, monsters.

[2021] No matter what the real dangers of your environment, if you're a child and you live in...

[2022] New York City, you know, you're not worried about car accidents or rapists or you're worried about monsters.

[2023] And the reason being is because there's some ancient, ancient memories of us when we used to get killed by jaguars and shit, you know, and we're scared of the night and we're scared of monsters because that's really what they were, man, you know, and the ones that survived of this had carried this incredibly potent, terrifying memory.

[2024] And it's actually imprinted into people genetically.

[2025] You know, we have this idea of instincts, you know, people have certain instincts, but then what does that mean?

[2026] What does instincts mean?

[2027] You know something already.

[2028] How do you know something already?

[2029] Is it because of past experience of your ancestors?

[2030] Does it come through your genetics?

[2031] How much stuff goes in there?

[2032] How much information is there?

[2033] What they've shown is that memes and some ideas, even useless ones like racism, can be transmitted through genetics.

[2034] So the same thing that causes you to have an instinct to not do something like, don't go near heights.

[2035] You already know it instinctively.

[2036] The same thing.

[2037] is actually, you can transmit other ideas into people's heads.

[2038] You can transmit even talent maybe into people's heads.

[2039] It's pretty fucking trippy when you think about it.

[2040] Because we don't have a documentation of where all our information comes from.

[2041] I mean, how much of your information is from your ancestors?

[2042] How much of it is from all these people that have lived before you that have made mistakes and learned from them and you sort of have this internal wisdom thing going on because of that?

[2043] I believe that.

[2044] Totally, right?

[2045] When you meet someone who's wise beyond their years, you know, what is that?

[2046] Is it that they've had an incredibly difficult life?

[2047] That's a possibility.

[2048] Or is it that, you know, somehow or another they have gotten a rich history of people who have survived and learned shit and it's incorporated into their DNA?

[2049] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[2050] Yeah, and it's very egotistical also to think that, oh, I'm just a smart person or I'm very careful because I'm afraid.

[2051] Like, it's like, no, you are afraid.

[2052] You have millions of years of people going, that is bad.

[2053] That is good.

[2054] That is bad.

[2055] That is good.

[2056] And it's not either or.

[2057] It's not either or.

[2058] I mean, you certainly have learned.

[2059] You certainly are smart.

[2060] And there's, you know, some people most certainly do learn better from, you know, fucked up situations.

[2061] There's a lot of them that absolutely do.

[2062] Yeah, I got a lot of buddies who don't learn shit.

[2063] Man, there's a lot of that going on, man. Yeah, man. There's a lot of people that don't ever learn.

[2064] And you just got to constantly fucking talk to them about shit.

[2065] Dude, come on.

[2066] Really?

[2067] What?

[2068] Fuck him, man. What?

[2069] Yeah.

[2070] Yeah, it's spooky.

[2071] I got a buddy who's got a third DUI.

[2072] And I'm like, really?

[2073] Like, third?

[2074] How are you?

[2075] Like, what?

[2076] See, I don't get that because I am very bad at drinking and driving.

[2077] Are you bad or are you good at it?

[2078] No, I'm really good at it.

[2079] And I think, I don't know if it's video games.

[2080] You drink and drive a lot?

[2081] You got to watch that shit.

[2082] Well, how often do you drink and drive?

[2083] Well, I mean.

[2084] I think having a few beers is considered drinking and driving, so I probably drink and drive every day.

[2085] Whoa.

[2086] Dude, listen, first of all, you're just kidding because people can hear this, and cops listen to this, dummy.

[2087] If they ever pull you over and go, I'm a fan of the podcast.

[2088] No, what I'm saying is like.

[2089] Get out of the car.

[2090] I don't know which comedy club you're going to be in.

[2091] What I'm saying is that any time you go out, you have maybe a couple drinks.

[2092] You go in your car, that's considered drinking and driving.

[2093] If you have two beers in you, that's drunk.

[2094] I know whenever Brian is wrong about something, he gets very excited and raises his voice.

[2095] No, it's...

[2096] How much do you want to bet?

[2097] I'll bet you money.

[2098] Two beers is drunk and you get pulled over.

[2099] Oh, yeah.

[2100] You can't.

[2101] That's what I'm saying.

[2102] Right.

[2103] Well, especially.

[2104] I can't do cab, man. That's what I do, man. What?

[2105] Okay.

[2106] If I'm going out anywhere, I'm drinking alcohol.

[2107] My problem is I don't do the two.

[2108] Like if I have two or three even, I'm like, all right, I'm a big boy.

[2109] I know how to stay in between the lines and stuff.

[2110] But the problem is if I did get pulled over, of course, I could get a DUI.

[2111] What I want to know is these people that have three of them, is that usually the case?

[2112] Is that usually the case?

[2113] Is your friend blackout drunk driving?

[2114] Oh, for sure.

[2115] I don't know.

[2116] Maybe he's just got bad luck.

[2117] No, no, no. This guy does not have bad luck.

[2118] It's the only three times I've ever had more than one drink in my life.

[2119] This guy's got good luck.

[2120] Really?

[2121] It's worse than that?

[2122] That's scary.

[2123] After three, he's done because he may go to jail.

[2124] You're like, oh, I'm never going to do that again.

[2125] Really?

[2126] After two?

[2127] People are scary.

[2128] Drunks in cars, man. People are scary people.

[2129] I mean, that's the real problem is there's too many of us and we can't help everybody get their shit together.

[2130] So you're always going to be around a bunch of people that are broken.

[2131] No matter what.

[2132] I mean, the way our society exists, it's just too goddamn big.

[2133] It's too big and the competition is too powerful and too strong for us to pay attention to all these people that are falling by the wayside.

[2134] So if you don't pay attention to them, well, all these fucking idiots, they're just running around slamming into people.

[2135] You know, and you can't fix them.

[2136] You can't fix them, man. You can't evolve.

[2137] whole world it's like god damn this i only got a certain amount of years this is ridiculous there's nothing you can do to help them they have to help themselves and they don't want to and they don't even think there's anything wrong with them you know like fuck you bitch ain't nothing wrong with me bitch yeah can you imagine you the end of your life is some idiot who's just like fucking wasted gets this car i can drive home happens all the time It's terrifying.

[2138] That's the end of your life.

[2139] And there's so many of them out there that there's almost nothing you can do about it.

[2140] You just have to be vigilant, keep an eye out, be very careful as you're driving.

[2141] Getting connected in any way, randomly, on purpose, to fucking nuts, to people that suck, to dummies.

[2142] So many of them out there, man. We all know them.

[2143] We all know dudes who are just beyond fixing.

[2144] I know a bunch of dudes that if I knew I could get away with it, I'd fucking shoot them right in the head.

[2145] Shoot him right in the head.

[2146] If I was alone in the woods and it was like Armageddon time and there was no more media and cell phones didn't work anymore and I thought this dude would be a problem, I'd just walk him in the woods.

[2147] Come on, let's go for a walk.

[2148] Man, I saw some deer over here.

[2149] You want to help me hunt?

[2150] Yeah.

[2151] Let's go hunt.

[2152] What's over there?

[2153] Boom!

[2154] Yeah.

[2155] I remember you said one of the people in Austin scared the shit out of whoever we were with.

[2156] I can't remember who we were with.

[2157] Oh, really?

[2158] They were like, is he being serious?

[2159] Kill him.

[2160] You do that like in Mice and Men.

[2161] You just bring your friend.

[2162] You're like, look over there.

[2163] We're going to go to that bar.

[2164] We're going to pick up chicks all night.

[2165] We're going to get wasted.

[2166] It's going to be a good time.

[2167] There's certain people, man. Just keep looking there.

[2168] Pow!

[2169] Yeah.

[2170] There's certain people that you worry when you're around them.

[2171] There's certain people that you feel like they're going to victimize your loved ones.

[2172] You know, there's certain people like, you know, a certain like a certain level of criminal, certain level of violent offender and, you know, and random violent offender, like people raping, you know, and beating them up.

[2173] And then, you know, it could be your mom.

[2174] It could be your sister.

[2175] It could be your daughter.

[2176] The guy should be dead, dead, not in jail, not for a year, not for a day.

[2177] Shoot him and let's move on.

[2178] OK, we got a broken person.

[2179] We can't fix them.

[2180] Their favorite thing to do is to hurt people.

[2181] The favorite thing to do is to hurt people that you love.

[2182] The vulnerable ones.

[2183] The women.

[2184] Really?

[2185] Kill it.

[2186] Kill it now.

[2187] Kill it with fucking fire or bullets.

[2188] Whatever's cheapest.

[2189] Fuck him.

[2190] Sorry.

[2191] Come back as a butterfly.

[2192] Suck my cock.

[2193] Bye.

[2194] Bang, bang, bang.

[2195] Fuck you, stupid.

[2196] You do it humanely.

[2197] He doesn't know he's going to die.

[2198] It doesn't even matter if it's humane.

[2199] Just fucking shoot him.

[2200] His last moments are important.

[2201] Don't torture him.

[2202] What is the police stop?

[2203] Shut the fuck up.

[2204] Yeah.

[2205] It doesn't matter if you yell at them.

[2206] You're going to shoot them in the head.

[2207] Was it worse to yell at them?

[2208] Yeah, right?

[2209] Well, animals in the zoo.

[2210] I mean, how many animals in the zoo need to be fed?

[2211] What are we going to give them steak?

[2212] That's stupid.

[2213] Give them live chickens.

[2214] Give them fucking people, man. Get some cunts.

[2215] Throw cunts in there.

[2216] I bet bears would love to eat cunts.

[2217] They're tired of berries.

[2218] They're tired of picnic baskets.

[2219] Just throw a cunt in that cage.

[2220] Some fucking guy who's been busted for the fifth time drinking and driving slides into a family of five.

[2221] Throw him in that fucking cage.

[2222] We will.

[2223] Dana White will be in charge of that in the future.

[2224] There'll be a coliseum.

[2225] No, that's when I take over the UFC.

[2226] Dana's going to retire.

[2227] They're going to ask me to take his job.

[2228] I'm going to go, okay, I got an idea, though.

[2229] Sit down.

[2230] Listen, okay, after the nuclear war, life is cheap.

[2231] Dude, I watched that, man. Yeah, I would too.

[2232] That's the problem.

[2233] If we could go back in time right now to the Coliseum, what would you do?

[2234] Would you stand up and say, you must stop this, please.

[2235] What are you doing?

[2236] No. You would sit down and you would go, are you going to drink that wine?

[2237] Yeah, fuck it.

[2238] We would be sitting there.

[2239] We'd be drinking wine.

[2240] Right next to us, there'd be some old dude fucking some boy in the ass.

[2241] That's how they rocked it back then.

[2242] They would just bend him over the fucking rails of the Coliseum and bang him in the ass while the things are going on.

[2243] Yeah.

[2244] Dude, they were banging little boys left and right back then.

[2245] And you just had to lug away.

[2246] Go away.

[2247] How long would it take us to be banging boys?

[2248] Say we jump in a time machine and you're like, it's just so culturally accepted.

[2249] And everyone's doing it.

[2250] All of a sudden you're like, fuck it.

[2251] And you're like, why am I fucking this kid?

[2252] Can you imagine?

[2253] You're like, oh, well, it's kind of accepted.

[2254] And then you go back to the future and you're like, what'd you do?

[2255] Not much.

[2256] Not much.

[2257] Powdered wig.

[2258] That's hilarious.

[2259] That is so funny.

[2260] Oh, my God.

[2261] How long would it take you to think in jail before you started going gay?

[2262] Never.

[2263] Never?

[2264] You never go gay?

[2265] Never would go gay.

[2266] What if it was like a really feminine guy, like really soft, hardly any pubes?

[2267] Masturbation?

[2268] Forever?

[2269] Like everyone who says they wouldn't, like you're like, I'm sure those fucking dudes when they were going to jail were like, I'm not going to be gay.

[2270] And like 15 years down the line, like, well, I feel like fucking something.

[2271] I don't think it's 15 days, man. I think they just start getting their dick sucked right away.

[2272] Fuck it, we're in.

[2273] In the Mexican community, they call it gay for the stay.

[2274] There's a thing with a...

[2275] A lot of people, they go to jail and they do some gay shit, but they only do it in jail.

[2276] When they get out, they're not gay at all.

[2277] You ever see that American Me, that Edward James Almost movie?

[2278] There was a lot of that going on in that movie.

[2279] Like, he would come out, he was all fucked up sexually, just wanted to rape chicks, bang them in the ass, because that's how you get guys in jail.

[2280] Yeah, it was a really creepy movie, man. It was like a first real exposure to the Mexican gang culture that I ever had.

[2281] Or any L .A. gang culture, you know?

[2282] That and Colors.

[2283] I watched a music video for Colors the other day.

[2284] I forgot about that movie.

[2285] Colors, Colors.

[2286] I am a nightmare walking, psychopath talking.

[2287] Colors, Colors.

[2288] It was Ice -T before he played a cop on TV.

[2289] Isn't that the most ridiculous shit ever?

[2290] Yeah.

[2291] Ice -T is a cop on TV.

[2292] He's like, what?

[2293] How did that happen?

[2294] He had a song called Cop Killer.

[2295] A song, okay?

[2296] It wasn't a part he was playing.

[2297] He wrote that shit.

[2298] You know?

[2299] I'm a motherfucking cop killer.

[2300] Remember, Ice -T was in a rock band for a while.

[2301] Do you remember that?

[2302] Oh, yeah.

[2303] Body count.

[2304] Body count.

[2305] Body count.

[2306] Body motherfucking count.

[2307] Let's get butt naked.

[2308] That was some hard core shit.

[2309] I met him at the comedy store one night.

[2310] He was in the audience at the comedy store one night.

[2311] He was cool.

[2312] Yeah.

[2313] I made some joke.

[2314] I forgot what it was.

[2315] But I was a big Ice -T fan when I was a kid.

[2316] I used to listen to newspapers.

[2317] I used to listen to Ice -T's rap albums.

[2318] Let's get butt naked and fuck.

[2319] Yeah.

[2320] Yeah.

[2321] Holy shit.

[2322] He had some great shit.

[2323] But it's just so weird seeing him playing a cop.

[2324] It's like, what?

[2325] Huh?

[2326] Ice -T is playing a dad.

[2327] You kids sit down back there.

[2328] Yeah.

[2329] Ice -Q.

[2330] Ice -Q, rather.

[2331] He's playing a dad.

[2332] Yeah.

[2333] Like, man. Jesus.

[2334] I mean, he is a dad.

[2335] I understand all that.

[2336] But god damn, dude.

[2337] If Eazy -E were alive, he'd be like on Two and a Half Men or something.

[2338] If Eazy -E was alive, he'd take a dick out of his mouth and go, will you stop that?

[2339] That's gay.

[2340] Yeah, Body Count had this song where he kills his mom, chops her up, flushes her down a toilet.

[2341] We were kids going, what the fuck is wrong with this guy?

[2342] He went as dark as he could.

[2343] Oh, yeah, man. Was Eazy -E the first guy to ever die from AIDS?

[2344] In the world or was this the rapper?

[2345] No, in the entertainment world.

[2346] Was it Arthur Ashe or was it Eazy -E?

[2347] I don't remember.

[2348] Who died first?

[2349] I think Eazy -E is the first one I know of.

[2350] Did Arthur Ashe die of AIDS, right?

[2351] Yeah.

[2352] Yeah.

[2353] Easy E was one of the rare ones, because I remember when Easy E died of AIDS.

[2354] I was like, holy shit.

[2355] I always thought this was just the beginning, and I'm looking down the line at some Mad Max situation where I'm walking around town with one of those Chinese face mask things on.

[2356] You always see the Chinese people at the airports.

[2357] I'm like, what the fuck, man?

[2358] Is this really going to happen?

[2359] Everyone's just going to start dropping like flies?

[2360] And then it just stopped.

[2361] And you're like, what the fuck was Eazy -E doing?

[2362] That Magic Johnson wasn't.

[2363] He was not fucking the fleshlight, man. It's weird, man. It's weird, right?

[2364] Yeah, what the fuck's up with Magic Johnson?

[2365] Like, I'm kind of creeped out.

[2366] It's crazy.

[2367] Yeah.

[2368] I've heard a bunch of different stories, so I can't really comment.

[2369] I've heard stories about him taking medication.

[2370] I've heard stories that he doesn't need the medication anymore.

[2371] And then I heard he stopped taking the medication, and his symptoms started reoccurring.

[2372] The weird thing is that he tests negative, apparently.

[2373] He tests HIV negative.

[2374] The way HIV works is what you can really test is you can test for the antibodies.

[2375] I don't think they can accurately test for the actual virus inside you.

[2376] Very tricky.

[2377] Well, the first guy ever who was HIV positive, it's not clear how it happened, but the first HIV positive, they cured it somewhere in Sweden or something.

[2378] Oh, with stem cells, right?

[2379] Yeah, with the stem cells, right?

[2380] Yeah, yeah.

[2381] Recently, yeah.

[2382] Yeah, like a month ago or so.

[2383] It's amazing how much shit they can accomplish with stem cells.

[2384] They have to dance around stuff.

[2385] Like the skin gun, have you heard about this thing that they've got?

[2386] There's a new thing that they've figured out how to do where they can actually take cultures from your skin, they reproduce with your own stem cells, and then they spray it in sort of a gun on your skin where it's burnt.

[2387] And it only takes a certain amount of time to cultivate, like an hour or two to cultivate.

[2388] They can do it really quick.

[2389] They reproduce this stuff, and then they spray it on you, and it radically cuts down healing time.

[2390] Radically.

[2391] Like they showed this one guy who had been burnt in a fire, and then he looked like he didn't have a fucking scratch on him.

[2392] They showed images of this guy, giant blistering second -degree burns, big welts all over his hand and shit.

[2393] Well, they spray this shit on him, man, and it builds like within four days.

[2394] You've got like new skin, and it looks healed.

[2395] It's a trip, and it's all stem cells.

[2396] It's too bad he's going to hell, though.

[2397] It's from his own body.

[2398] though this is what people don't understand you don't have to kill babies to get stem cells yeah everyone thinks that everything comes from the fetus but you don't have to now they have a way to reverse it like to take your own and reverse it to like it's I don't I fucking don't know what people thought was that they were going to encourage abortion because people needed babies they needed stem cells from fetuses yeah You know, God damn, man. Let them work with shit.

[2399] It's like these nutty Christians that have these kooky ideas about what they should and shouldn't do with tissue and cells.

[2400] Like, what the fuck?

[2401] What should you do?

[2402] If a girl has an abortion, should you just flush it?

[2403] You're telling me if there's something that you can learn in there that can unlock the secret to immortality or cure cancer or whatever the fuck it can do, you're telling me you should just throw it away because it's dead and it's immoral and somehow or another you're profiting off of abortion?

[2404] Yeah.

[2405] But the reality is people are so creepy, they probably would.

[2406] They would start doing abortion.

[2407] Right?

[2408] They would start encouraging them.

[2409] Dude, I. You want a fucking baby?

[2410] How long.

[2411] They shit.

[2412] They yell.

[2413] Dude, how long before there was abortion porn?

[2414] Think about that.

[2415] How long before they would start paying for abortions?

[2416] Yeah, dude.

[2417] People are fucked up with porn and sex fetishes.

[2418] It probably already is abortion porn.

[2419] Jared, listen to this.

[2420] We had a porn star on that Naughty Show podcast I did yesterday that was eating out a girl and started bleeding.

[2421] And they were like, you know, she started her period and found out it was a miscarriage in her mouth.

[2422] So she was eating a pussy, probably two pussies.

[2423] A pussy and a pussy.

[2424] Guys would pay a lot of money.

[2425] Double pussy.

[2426] I'm so sad right now.

[2427] I'm so sad right now.

[2428] Sometimes you're like, man, human beings, man. We just fucked up shit.

[2429] Well, that's not anybody's fault there.

[2430] No, no. That was Kayla Page.

[2431] Support Kayla Page for Penthouse.

[2432] You were telling me about her, right?

[2433] So you've been doing these Naughty Show podcasts.

[2434] Are you going to keep doing those?

[2435] Yeah, I'm going to try to do that.

[2436] Tell everybody about the other podcasts you have because you have a website, deathsquad .tv, right?

[2437] That's where they're all located there.

[2438] All the podcasts are there.

[2439] They're all on iTunes.

[2440] People ask us, like, what is this Death Squad shit?

[2441] What are you guys, badass?

[2442] No, it's totally not that.

[2443] This is Opie from Opie and Anthony.

[2444] Nick named us the Death Squad a long time ago.

[2445] Because I came onto the Opie and Anthony show.

[2446] And at the time, it was my friend Tate Fletcher, who was on The Ultimate Fighter.

[2447] And he was on the show at the time.

[2448] He came with me. And Eddie Bravo, who's the jiu -jitsu guy.

[2449] So they're just my friends.

[2450] We were just traveling together.

[2451] And so they came into the studio.

[2452] And Opie goes, oh, Joe Rogan brought in the Death Squad.

[2453] And then we just started like, that's right, we're the Death Squad, bitch.

[2454] So juvenile and ridiculous.

[2455] And so over the top and retarded.

[2456] So we decided to keep it.

[2457] Yeah, so we do this naughty show podcast.

[2458] It's usually a porn star.

[2459] and Sam Tripoli's Naughty Show.

[2460] And Sam, who's our buddy, who's been on the podcast a bunch of times.

[2461] And I did a bunch of touring with Sam up in Canada.

[2462] We did Toronto together.

[2463] Sam's awesome.

[2464] And Jason Teab.

[2465] And so anyways, it's once a week.

[2466] And Jason Teab's awesome too.

[2467] I don't want to leave you out there, dude.

[2468] You know I love you.

[2469] Anyways, they're all at Desquad .tv.

[2470] And so is all the pilots.

[2471] We do a lot of pilots.

[2472] And they also do, whenever there's a UFC, they get hammered and they watch the UFC together and do their own coinciding podcast, like talking shit about fights as they go down.

[2473] And sometimes you even had Joey on that one once.

[2474] How fucking fun was that?

[2475] It was great.

[2476] You get to go watch the UFC with Joey.

[2477] I have to commentate, man. He sits next to Joey Diaz.

[2478] You can't get any better entertainment than Joey Diaz.

[2479] The last UFC, high on acid.

[2480] He drops two tabs of acid and watching cage fights.

[2481] What was that like?

[2482] What was that like sitting there with him for six hours?

[2483] It's like you're in bed with him because the seats are so small.

[2484] on his lap like holding like a big stuffed animal so you got that you know you got that but then you got like the most hilarious commentary ever and what's cool is that that's what we do on the UFC drunk cast we pretty much you know we'll have some people like that Joey Diaz and stuff like that and just getting drunk and watching UFCs and it's kind of like a commentary a lot of your fans like to re -watch the UFCs so it's like hey you know turn it on with our commentary this time and it's just a bunch of other you know comics just doing your job but drinking and smoking weed but allowed to do it the right way And do it the right way, yeah.

[2485] Well, I could never do it the right way, too, because a lot of things you say when you're fucking around with your friends are very disrespectful.

[2486] Right.

[2487] You know, you say, good night, bitch.

[2488] What the fuck did I tell you?

[2489] You know, hope you brought your jammies.

[2490] You know, guys will say when they're drunk and they're stoned and they're talking shit, but they would never say that to the fighter or want the fighter to hear that or want anybody else to even.

[2491] It's only between friends as a goof.

[2492] Right.

[2493] So what Joey could say is so much different than anything I could say.

[2494] Joey says crazy shit sometimes.

[2495] I saw him on the Alex Jones thing.

[2496] Oh, my God.

[2497] So fucking funny.

[2498] He's the funniest guy that's ever lived, man. Dude.

[2499] We did Vegas two weeks ago, dude.

[2500] He came up and he opens up the show, which is the perfect way to do it.

[2501] Because Joey's not like an act that likes to do like an hour.

[2502] Joey doesn't have time to do an hour.

[2503] And it's not.

[2504] He doesn't.

[2505] His pace.

[2506] He's got this.

[2507] Destructo 15 -minute pace.

[2508] And that's what he does.

[2509] He doesn't want to do a 45 -minute set.

[2510] So when I take Joey on the road with me, it's like I'm taking another headliner.

[2511] I mean, he's a fucking headliner.

[2512] And he opens.

[2513] And he goes up and just smashes it.

[2514] Dude, he made me laugh so hard.

[2515] I literally fell down.

[2516] I was leaning against a wall.

[2517] We were all back there.

[2518] Joey was on stage.

[2519] And we were in the alleyway that leads the stage where the curtains are at the Lion King Theater in Mandalay Bay.

[2520] Big.

[2521] giant ass fucking place and we're leaning up against the wall and joey's killing so hard we're all rocking back and forth and dudes are bending over people are slapping their legs we're all like moving around we're standing still but nobody was standing still yeah you're laughing i literally fell down i fell down i dropped to a knee that's awesome he just crushes he's got this bit about this yoga he's taking yoga lately And there's a 68 -year -old lady in his yoga class.

[2522] I'm going to fuck that old bitch.

[2523] I swear to God, Joe Rogan.

[2524] He's got this bit about it.

[2525] We were crying and laughing, man. He's got this bit about getting in a fight, a true story about a fight that he got in with a nun when he was a kid.

[2526] Oh, you've got to fucking see it, man. Is that the funniest shit you've ever seen?

[2527] Anything he says is hilarious.

[2528] He's such a fucking treat to hang out with.

[2529] He's going to be in Arizona this weekend, too.

[2530] Yeah, where's he at?

[2531] The new club, I believe.

[2532] No, no, no. He's on some completely different thing.

[2533] Yeah, because they got upset with him that he wasn't doing the new club.

[2534] And he's like, you're not even open yet, stupid.

[2535] Danny Murr.

[2536] Danny Murr.

[2537] But Joey, he's one of those guys, man, that just makes you.

[2538] There's him back then when he was really young.

[2539] That's when I met Joey.

[2540] Grab that picture, man. Grab that picture.

[2541] For the folks on Ustream, you'll be able to see this.

[2542] For folks watching on iTunes, I don't know if it's available online anymore.

[2543] I have to upload it.

[2544] But this was Joey Diaz when I first met him.

[2545] And Joey only weighed like, you know, like fucking 210, 215 pounds.

[2546] He's a big guy.

[2547] He's always been like a big football player looking guy.

[2548] And this is him, you know, like right after he started doing comedy.

[2549] I met him like a couple years after he started when he moved from Seattle to L .A. Was he a comedy store guy?

[2550] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[2551] He's just such a fun fucking guy.

[2552] There's people that you meet in your life, and they're just the life of the party.

[2553] No one in my life has ever been the life of the party like Joey Diaz.

[2554] I've met a couple of crazy people that are cool to hang around with every now and then, but no one just gets shit jumping like Joey Diaz.

[2555] I mean, he goes on stage dancing, and right away just sets the tone.

[2556] He's the fucking man, dude.

[2557] He's so fun.

[2558] So important, man, to have fun fucking cool people in your life.

[2559] Is that the most important thing in life?

[2560] It really is, right?

[2561] Yeah.

[2562] More than anything else.

[2563] Being some rich cunt who's no friends, that's got to suck bad, man. Being some dude living in some giant fucking mansion with 14 Ferraris and running sweatshops and shit.

[2564] Citizen Kane or the social network.

[2565] It sucks to be rich and by yourself.

[2566] It's got to be.

[2567] What a dumb thing to say.

[2568] Is it important to have friends?

[2569] I'm Barney.

[2570] Hi, kids.

[2571] I love you.

[2572] You love me. We're a happy family.

[2573] That's how you see things when you have kids.

[2574] You see everything through the eyes of children's shows.

[2575] My daughter took a fucking log, a log in her potty the other day that I swear to God looked like Joey Diaz shit in there.

[2576] I couldn't believe how big it is.

[2577] It's shocking.

[2578] I almost took a picture of it, but I just thought that's disrespectful.

[2579] Put my daughter's shits on Twitter.

[2580] I just wanted everybody to see it.

[2581] You need to take a look at this.

[2582] This doesn't even seem normal.

[2583] Do I need to go to a doctor?

[2584] Her shit was like my forearm.

[2585] Was that her first big shit?

[2586] No, she takes logs.

[2587] She's my daughter.

[2588] She's a little savage.

[2589] A little savage.

[2590] She's fucking eating meat and shit.

[2591] I bought venison jerky, and she just tears into this shit.

[2592] She's chewing up venison jerky.

[2593] It's really weird, man. You look at little babies.

[2594] The newest baby, Baby Rogan No. 2, she's almost nine months old.

[2595] And when she gets food, it doesn't matter.

[2596] She can eat solid food, but you've got to watch her.

[2597] You've got to be careful.

[2598] You've got to make sure that she can't get anything she can choke on.

[2599] But she always screams for food.

[2600] And one of the things she likes to do is get bones.

[2601] She likes to put bones in her mouth and lick the bones.

[2602] And it's like a big, like a rib bone.

[2603] And it's just so weird to watch this little baby with a bone from a dead animal.

[2604] And she's completely transfixed on this thing.

[2605] She has one fucking tooth, man. She's got one tooth, and she's gnawing at this bone with this meat on it.

[2606] If you try to take it from her, she will fucking scream.

[2607] I mean scream.

[2608] The baby wants the murdered animal.

[2609] Just instinctual.

[2610] More than anything else.

[2611] I've given her apples.

[2612] I've given her bananas.

[2613] I've given her a bunch of shit before, and she likes it.

[2614] It's all good.

[2615] It's all nice, but nothing like that bone.

[2616] You give her a bone.

[2617] It's just like giving a dog a bone.

[2618] You give a dog dog food, they're like, hey, thanks for the dog food.

[2619] You give a dog.

[2620] dog, a bone, and you test what your relationship is with him, you know?

[2621] Because you might want to take that back.

[2622] I want that bone back.

[2623] Oh, what's up, bitch?

[2624] Yeah.

[2625] Oh, I found your line.

[2626] This is the line, you know?

[2627] My dog bit me a few times taking his bone.

[2628] Really?

[2629] Yeah, yeah.

[2630] Well, he was a biter.

[2631] I got him at the shelter.

[2632] Oh, wow.

[2633] And right away, he was biting.

[2634] I was like, fuck, I got a biter.

[2635] How old was he?

[2636] He was a year and a half.

[2637] Whoa.

[2638] Yeah, he'd bite like, no, no, small.

[2639] What kind of dog?

[2640] Like 25.

[2641] Fuck.

[2642] A Boston Terrier and a Cocker Spaniel.

[2643] So it kind of looked like a baby lab.

[2644] Kind of, but he was fucked up in the head, man. And, like, young boys, like teenage boys, he did not like.

[2645] He had some fucked up owners, for sure.

[2646] Like, he did not.

[2647] He couldn't sit, give the paw.

[2648] I taught him that in 15 minutes, but he was clueless when I got him.

[2649] So he was, like, kind of fucked up.

[2650] How long have you had him now?

[2651] You know, he's dead.

[2652] He died, like, last year.

[2653] Sorry.

[2654] No, no, not at all.

[2655] You have to say sorry.

[2656] I'm not really sorry.

[2657] Yeah.

[2658] You're not sorry about my dead dog.

[2659] Hey, man, my dog's died, too.

[2660] dude, alright?

[2661] You're like, yeah.

[2662] You weren't the only one, bro.

[2663] Fucking dead dog.

[2664] You weren't the only one, bro.

[2665] Yeah.

[2666] But, yeah, he'd bite.

[2667] And fucking the bone.

[2668] The bone and the weed, man. And I don't get my dog stoned.

[2669] I'm not one of those guys that, hey, Jake, I'm going to get my dog stoned.

[2670] But I'd see him.

[2671] And all of a sudden, he's stoned.

[2672] And I'm like, fuck, I had a piece of cookie.

[2673] No. And he ate the cookie.

[2674] I had a dog that was, she was a rescue dog, too.

[2675] And we got her high accidentally once.

[2676] Me and Joey were in my office at my old house.

[2677] And just hitting the bong.

[2678] And this is my early weed days.

[2679] I was just learning how to smoke weed.

[2680] And I couldn't believe that I'd gone.

[2681] 30 years of my life without knowing about weed, and I was just going overboard.

[2682] So me and Joey got blasted in my office, and the dog was so paranoid.

[2683] It was so crazy.

[2684] She was running from everything and hiding under furniture.

[2685] I couldn't get her to come out.

[2686] It was weird.

[2687] I was like, why are you hiding?

[2688] I'm like, oh, she's high as fuck.

[2689] That dog got a contact high hanging out with us.

[2690] It's weird.

[2691] But it was a rescue dog too, so her being high was not like a happy puppy that you raised being high.

[2692] Like if I got high with Johnny, he's Johnny.

[2693] Johnny doesn't have any fears.

[2694] Johnny's a happy dog.

[2695] He's got a good life.

[2696] You know, but you get a rescue dog.

[2697] That dog was like three or four years old before I got her.

[2698] Who knows?

[2699] And she was living on the street in L .A. eating out of garbage cans when they caught her.

[2700] And she had mange.

[2701] Her body was covered in mange when I first got her.

[2702] So I had to treat her with chemicals.

[2703] I had it with some sort of medicine.

[2704] I had to wash her and I had to like just feed her.

[2705] She ate like insane amounts of food.

[2706] She could not eat enough.

[2707] She was, she was a voracious appetite.

[2708] So voracious.

[2709] She was sneaking out of my house.

[2710] Okay.

[2711] Even though I fed her, she's a fat pig.

[2712] She was sneaking out of my house.

[2713] She would claw.

[2714] She had a hole that she found.

[2715] where she would go under the fence, she would go to the neighbor's house, tip over their garbage, eat their garbage, and then sneak back in the yard.

[2716] And I had no idea she was doing it.

[2717] She was doing it forever.

[2718] I'm like, this dog's fat as fuck.

[2719] I'm giving her diet dog food.

[2720] She's fatter, man. What the fuck is happening?

[2721] She just kept eating.

[2722] Clever dog, man. Clever dog.

[2723] Well, they have this thing where they feel like they're never going to have enough food.

[2724] They can't stop eating.

[2725] They will keep eating until they get sick.

[2726] She got into a bag once.

[2727] She ate a bag of dog food and just ate so much that her whole body was hot.

[2728] Like it was the weirdest thing ever.

[2729] It's like her stomach was hard.

[2730] I was worried about her.

[2731] And she threw up and then she would eat the throw up.

[2732] I mean, it's like she couldn't.

[2733] She was never satisfied.

[2734] Yeah.

[2735] And I think it's the same kind of.

[2736] thing is happening when you leave and when you come back like you walk in literally they're so happy that you came back because they can't they're like they're eating like oh I don't know tomorrow I may not eat he just left he's probably not coming back fuck I'm fucked I'm alone again and then all of a sudden you come back what the fuck you came back what do you think about some dogs where they've done tests where they show that when owners are coming home that the dogs respond even when they're coming home at not normal hours you know unusual hours that through hidden cameras they found that dogs can't anticipate when their masters are coming home.

[2737] Really?

[2738] From how, like, I believe it.

[2739] Driving.

[2740] Driving in their car on the way over there.

[2741] Really?

[2742] Yeah, and it's not like a lot of dogs.

[2743] I don't think it's, but it's enough that, you know, you have to go, well, what is this?

[2744] What's going on here?

[2745] Are they smelling it?

[2746] Cabo used to, like, be sleeping on the couch.

[2747] And then, like, he would just immediately wake up and then just, like, sit by the door.

[2748] And, like, ten minutes later, my girlfriend would walk in the door.

[2749] Whoa.

[2750] Yeah, it was always so weird.

[2751] And I always thought it was just that the time, because the time was always always kind of around the same time.

[2752] But Doug doesn't have a fucking watch.

[2753] Yeah.

[2754] Yeah, but the dog, like, looks around.

[2755] He goes, okay, when it starts, the light, the big rock that is bright outside goes down.

[2756] And then he starts playing with that machine over there that makes the food.

[2757] That kind of problem.

[2758] That means, like, in, you know.

[2759] Maybe.

[2760] Figures out its own way.

[2761] Maybe.

[2762] I don't know.

[2763] Because what these people, what they showed was hidden camera footage.

[2764] And they had the dog would, like, respond and would get up and start walking around, like, as the owner was coming home.

[2765] It's a trip, man. You wonder.

[2766] I mean, what kind of.

[2767] of a weird connection is it with dogs you know they're just always so happy always like excited to see you this weird fucking relationship you have you know they require food from you and like what a weird psychic connection you have to this strange animal yeah they know when you're coming home the fuck is going on man yeah well who's to say there isn't you know who's to say who's to say who knows all right that's about it right I guess so.

[2768] That's good.

[2769] That's the way to end it.

[2770] Where are you at, man?

[2771] When's the next time someone can see you?

[2772] I'm going to be in Minneapolis at some theater.

[2773] Some theater?

[2774] You don't know where it is?

[2775] Fuck, I don't know.

[2776] Well, go to, is it jeanlejoie .com?

[2777] Yeah, jeanlejoie .com or go to my YouTube page, which is youtube .com slash J -O -N -L -A -J -O -I -E.

[2778] And they're all there.

[2779] And I'm going...

[2780] It's J -O -N, jeanlejoie .com.

[2781] Yeah, no H in there.

[2782] And check it out.

[2783] And I have a new video I'm working on.

[2784] It should be out Monday.

[2785] Can you give us a sneak?

[2786] It's called I Am Very Super Famous and is from MC Vagina, the guy who brought you Show Me Your Genitals and I Kill People.

[2787] When is this going to be out?

[2788] Like Monday morning, I'm hoping.

[2789] I'm still editing it now.

[2790] Do you do everything yourself?

[2791] Shoot it, direct it, edit, write it?

[2792] Yeah.

[2793] That's awesome, man. Do you have High as Fuck on there?

[2794] Yeah, I got it.

[2795] We're going to end this with High as Fuck.

[2796] This weekend, Friday night and Sunday night, we're going to be at Sal's Comedy Hole on Melrose.

[2797] It's a little tiny spot.

[2798] It's only like 80 people.

[2799] We're just going to go there and fuck around.

[2800] Doug Benson's coming, too.

[2801] Doug Benson's coming?

[2802] Oh, beautiful.

[2803] Brian's going to be there.

[2804] Little Esther's going to be there.

[2805] Who else?

[2806] Is Ari coming?

[2807] Sam Tripoli.

[2808] I called Ari today.

[2809] I haven't talked about it.

[2810] Ari might be coming, too.

[2811] Ari's doing sets all over town.

[2812] Steve's going to come down?

[2813] Awesome.

[2814] Jason Tebow.

[2815] Very funny.

[2816] So that's it.

[2817] Next weekend, we're doing Brea, the Improv at Brea.

[2818] It will sell out, so get tickets if you want to.

[2819] Get them in advance.

[2820] And then in Australia, at Rudy Hill, that place that I'm doing, It's called an RSL club, whatever the fuck that is.

[2821] I don't know what that is.

[2822] I'm not sure.

[2823] It's like an Italian club or something like that.

[2824] Well, no, it's like a veterans thing.

[2825] But they just added a second show.

[2826] There was an 8 o 'clock show.

[2827] It sold out.

[2828] So now there's a 10 o 'clock show.

[2829] And that is Saturday the 26th, which will be like.

[2830] The 25th here or something like that.

[2831] It's real weird.

[2832] They're like a whole day ahead.

[2833] Have you done shows in Australia?

[2834] Yeah, it's fun.

[2835] Yeah, I'm booking some now.

[2836] I haven't been.

[2837] Fucking great, man. Sydney's fun.

[2838] They don't give a fuck.

[2839] The men are men.

[2840] The women are women.

[2841] There's dangerous animals everywhere.

[2842] There's crocodiles and shit.

[2843] I love it there, man. It's a great time.

[2844] And the people are friendly as fuck.

[2845] I enjoy the shit out of it.

[2846] So that's it.

[2847] Tickets go on sale for Seattle.

[2848] I'm playing the Moore Theater.

[2849] And the Moore Theater in, I think it's in March.

[2850] Yes, March 25th.

[2851] They go on sale on Friday.

[2852] All right.

[2853] Thank you, everybody, for everything.

[2854] Next week, we're going to have Pete Johansson, a very funny comedian from Canada.

[2855] Do you know Pete?

[2856] I know of him.

[2857] I don't know him, but he's very funny.

[2858] He's hilarious.

[2859] He'll be here, and who knows who else.

[2860] And eventually I'll get Dave Foley, and I've got to call Boss Rootin.

[2861] All right, bitches.

[2862] That's the end of the show.

[2863] I'll see you in a couple days.

[2864] Oh, thank you, Fleshlight, for sponsoring us and keeping the lights on.

[2865] We love you, and you love us.

[2866] That's how it should be.

[2867] Go to JoeRogan .net and click on the link.

[2868] He's a good producer.

[2869] Brian's like my mom.

[2870] He's like my mom.

[2871] That's great.

[2872] Let me keep me in line.

[2873] Go to JoeRogan .net, click on the link, and enter in the code word.

[2874] Rogan, you get 15 % off.

[2875] All right.

[2876] Thank you, everybody.

[2877] We love you, bitches.

[2878] Thanks for having me, guys.

[2879] Thank you.

[2880] Jean LaJoy, you are the man. That you're gonna have a heart attack Have you ever been high as fuck?

[2881] You close your eyes and you're on a chicken farm The only problem is that the chickens have human arms You say that's fucked up Why do the chickens have human arms?

[2882] So you walk around the block to buy some time You finally decide to go in the store But you're so high you don't know why you're there anymore So you just buy a pack of gum and get the hell out of there