Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend XX
[0] Conan O 'Brien needs a fan.
[1] Want to talk to Conan?
[2] Visit teamcoco .com slash call Conan.
[3] Okay, let's get started.
[4] Oh, hey.
[5] I know you.
[6] You scared us.
[7] You're so close.
[8] You guys look great.
[9] Hi, so.
[10] Hi, Gorman.
[11] Hi, Walt.
[12] Hi, Walt.
[13] First of all, you did frighten us because you're on a Zoom and you're very close to the camera and you have piercing maniacal eyes.
[14] Yes, that's all true.
[15] And so suddenly you just appeared and we were, I was stunned.
[16] I was shocked.
[17] But now I'm accustomed to your gaze.
[18] And tell us about yourself.
[19] Walt, where are you right now?
[20] I am in my nerdy office in North Carolina, live in Raleigh.
[21] Okay, I do, I love the Carolinas.
[22] I love me a South Carolina.
[23] I love me in North Carolina.
[24] I'll be honest with you.
[25] They're both pretty good.
[26] West Carolina can go fuck itself.
[27] Yeah, West Carolina, I have no, no patience for West Carolina, and don't even get me started on East Carolina.
[28] Man, I wouldn't touch it with a 10 -foot pole.
[29] Those people have to pay for what they did.
[30] They know what they did.
[31] Walt, tell us about yourself.
[32] What do you do?
[33] I would love to.
[34] I work in the only maximum security prison in North Carolina, and I actually work on Death Row.
[35] Oh.
[36] You're kidding.
[37] Yeah, no, I'm certainly not.
[38] So you're a, you're a correctional officer.
[39] You're not a, you're not a convict.
[40] You, you, I just want to be clear.
[41] I haven't been caught yet.
[42] No, yeah, not been, not been caught.
[43] You know, I'm on the other side of the bars.
[44] So, yeah.
[45] And this is, I mean, this is intense.
[46] You are.
[47] We haven't executed since 2006.
[48] So there's a moratorium, but every once in a while, we get a new prisoner or we have to babysit.
[49] Okay.
[50] I'm taking this in right now.
[51] I, you know, man, to be around people.
[52] Yeah.
[53] And you see them every day.
[54] You said there have been no executions in quite a long time.
[55] Right.
[56] But still, that is a heavy mood that you're going into every day.
[57] Or is it somehow strangely not?
[58] I'm just, I don't know.
[59] I'm so glad you asked that question.
[60] Yeah, it's bizarre because actually the mood is not as doom and gloom as you might think.
[61] We certainly try to keep it real positive, you know, amongst our very small staff.
[62] but for the most part these guys are really used to being in jail they've been there for 25, 30 years a lot of times they're just watching TV or playing board games or Dungeons and Dragons and you know I mean they're I didn't realize my son was on death row you just described his existence to a tea and we serve him we serve him meals through bars on a tray oh well you sounds like you're doing it right You know, the hardest part's usually just trying to contain like the Joker and Mr. Freeze and the penguin.
[63] They all have a structural cell.
[64] They don't get, there's no death row for those guys.
[65] They just keep coming back.
[66] So I don't think in Gotham City there's any death row.
[67] Always in it out.
[68] I'm curious, just so you say you try and keep it positive and for the most part people find a way to exist.
[69] I guess humans can find, human beings find a way to exist in almost any situation.
[70] So, and probably a lot of them are thinking this isn't really going to happen for me. Is that right?
[71] That this sentence won't really be carried out.
[72] Is that possibly true?
[73] I think you're exactly right there.
[74] You know, the process takes such a long time.
[75] A lot of them are still, you know, going through the appeals process, and it doesn't seem real to them.
[76] Pretty much my entire imprint of what it's like in the criminal justice system in the penal system was formed by two movies, Papillon and the Shaw Shank.
[77] redemption.
[78] So that's why you don't fit.
[79] Yes, the stereotype is the sadistic guy who almost enjoys learning it over these other people who are, you know, in prison.
[80] And then you seem like a guy that enjoys a micro brew from time to time.
[81] Oh, Fosters, man. Fosters.
[82] Yeah.
[83] That's the jam right there.
[84] Yeah.
[85] And probably, yeah, you seem like a a refined gentleman.
[86] Thank you.
[87] And you seem like, you seem, am I right, guys?
[88] This does not.
[89] Yeah, you see it very nice.
[90] I like your hat.
[91] Yeah, you got.
[92] And you've got sort of a little bit of a hipster vibe.
[93] Like you're a hipster that works on death row.
[94] Is that, are you working on death row ironically?
[95] I don't think so.
[96] You know, nobody's ever asked, is it the sweater or, you know, yeah, you've got a little bit of, and trust me, and you've got a little bit, well, you've got a little like a goate beard.
[97] And you look like a guy who, if I went to like a very cool hipster bar where they make their own gin, and it's sort of made up to look like it's a speakeasy, but it's not, and it got written up in all the cool magazines, that you would work there behind the counter, and you would make me a really cool cocktail from 1822, and you'd know exactly how to make it.
[98] That's the impression I'm getting just talking to you, just from your look and from your manner.
[99] I'll tell you what I think I appreciate all of that I think that's good that's pretty good yeah like you would play frisbee golf like we would play frisbee golf together can jam I would love to play can jam with you Sona what's can jam you've never played canjia I went to the um the United States the man I'm losing my words right now but yeah I went to one of the championships it's very easy it's just a frisbee kind of like frisbee basketball yes well it's called the canjian wama jam Yeah, everyone knows about that.
[100] Yeah, absolutely.
[101] Yeah, you're absolutely right.
[102] I think it's too boring to be a hipster.
[103] No. Oh, please, no, you should talk to some of them.
[104] You're just fine.
[105] Can jam?
[106] What the hell is that?
[107] I don't even know what that is.
[108] You throw a frisbee in a garbage can.
[109] That's pretty much the game.
[110] There's a little slot.
[111] Can we just call it that from now on?
[112] Just say, let's go play trash can frisbee.
[113] Yeah, let's go play trash can frisbee.
[114] Just stop calling it can jam.
[115] Yeah.
[116] Listen, do you ever feel like you're in danger on your job?
[117] I mean, you're working around people, 156 people who are hardened criminals.
[118] Do you ever feel in danger?
[119] You know, more so recently, you know, we nationally, especially with coronavirus, we're having such a hard time.
[120] I mean, we're nearing the point where we're 50 % understaffed, you know.
[121] Yes, I've been reading a lot about this.
[122] I mean, this is not obviously a humorous topic, but I just have to ask you because it's a national story that, I mean, any institution, that requires on a lot of people to, whether it's a hospital or a penal facility, and schools, they're really understaffed.
[123] So, and, and you particularly are working with people that might think, hey, I've got nothing to lose.
[124] This might be a chance to get out of here.
[125] And I just, you know, so do you, do you, do you feel like these are extra stressful times?
[126] Absolutely.
[127] Yeah.
[128] It's been a little tougher recently.
[129] You know, and I, again, I don't want to be too much of a doubt.
[130] but yeah, we're starting to worry about it a little bit more.
[131] There's been a little bit of a rise in violence.
[132] And, you know, we hire people, but they don't stay for very long.
[133] So I think the problem is both hiring and retention, you know, because we are a little bit nervous.
[134] We just don't have enough people.
[135] There's things we can do, you know, but it's tough.
[136] Yeah, I mean, I think it's okay.
[137] I think it's almost irresponsible to, I mean, we just found out that you work on in a death row and to just say like, hey, hey, this isn't, you know, we've got to keep this light.
[138] I think it's irresponsible almost to keep it light for the entire conversation because, I don't know, you seem, I hope you're being careful.
[139] You know, I worry about you.
[140] And I also sympathize with the people that are in that situation.
[141] I think, you know, I think that's anyone, people who are incarcerated.
[142] I just, I think human beings are, I don't know.
[143] It's obviously case by case, but I take no pleasure in the fact that people are locked away like that.
[144] I think it's pretty grim.
[145] I'm so glad you said that, yeah.
[146] But the fact that you're bringing humanity to it and you seem like a nice person and that this job obviously hasn't turned you into, you haven't crusted over or lost your sense of fun and wanting to connect with these people, I think is really admirable.
[147] Thank you so much.
[148] Yeah, I have some great mentors.
[149] There's only four of us, but, you know, Mr. Lewis and Mr. Woolard, they've been there for a very long time.
[150] And, yeah, we kind of get each other's backs.
[151] You know, I mean, we're always making sure that everybody's doing well mentally and we take time when we need to take time.
[152] You know, because really, you know, those are some big problems.
[153] You know, anxiety and depression and working in the prison system.
[154] So we're doing everything we can, you know.
[155] I think we're doing a good job.
[156] Good.
[157] Definitely sounds like you are.
[158] Tell me a little bit about, okay, you're there, you're at the prison, but now it's time to go home.
[159] What do you do to chill?
[160] What do you do to relax?
[161] You go back to your house.
[162] Are you able to leave work at home?
[163] That's actually a funny joke.
[164] You better leave work at home.
[165] I can't help it.
[166] I take the murderers with me sometimes, and then I get in trouble, and they get away, and we have to recapture them.
[167] No, do you, are you able to?
[168] You able to leave it behind you?
[169] Yeah, I mean, I wish I could work from home, but it doesn't work like that.
[170] Yeah, very hard to, very hard to police be so crazy if you were like policing people on Zoom.
[171] Guys, I trusted you.
[172] I trusted you.
[173] No, I think.
[174] Where's Peter?
[175] Peter's not in his Zoom square, and there's a rope going out the window.
[176] He got away.
[177] Peter, that's not cool.
[178] Peter, this is just a pillow in a jumpsuit right now.
[179] That's right.
[180] You get on Zoom and there's a pillow with a happy face smile on it.
[181] No one would know.
[182] Peter, that doesn't look like you.
[183] Oh, you've got a bad connection.
[184] I got the pillow filter on.
[185] That's all.
[186] Wow.
[187] They're getting in advance.
[188] Yeah.
[189] I know.
[190] I don't know why.
[191] It's a cellmate's covering for it because you escaped.
[192] No, no. In my scenario, see, this is how stupid I am.
[193] In my scenario, I'm the prisoner.
[194] I set up the pillow, drew a face on it.
[195] but then one insisted on doing the voice.
[196] So I stayed in the prison cell.
[197] But you still did the like spoon tunnel.
[198] You just didn't use it.
[199] I dug the whole tunnel at seven miles long through concrete with one spoon.
[200] But I stayed behind because I couldn't give up the chance to maneuver the pillow with the smiley face and go, ah, yeah, Walter, everything's good in the cell.
[201] You auditioned the other prisoners and they just weren't good enough for you.
[202] I tried to find a better voice.
[203] and I had people offer to do it.
[204] I'm like, no. I wanted to have more of this kind of voice.
[205] Ah, yeah, so anyway.
[206] So I, the truth is.
[207] I think you'd be great as an inmate.
[208] I mean, I think you'd be perfect.
[209] I love that I don't take my chance to escape.
[210] I'm mad.
[211] Forget it.
[212] I'll do it.
[213] I guess I just won't escape.
[214] Forget it.
[215] I'll do it.
[216] I just won't escape.
[217] Okay, assholes.
[218] I wish some of you had taken some voiceover lessons, but no, you're all busy with your crimes.
[219] Anyway, here we go.
[220] I'm going to pretend to be on.
[221] And all the other prisoners escape out your hole.
[222] Yeah.
[223] While I'm doing it, they all get out the hole.
[224] Yeah.
[225] And I'm the only one there and I'm like, well, thanks a lot, guys.
[226] That shows a lot of trust.
[227] But then Walt's like, hey, Conan, I liked the voice you did for the pillow.
[228] Did you?
[229] Wonderful.
[230] Yeah.
[231] I really loved that.
[232] I really, I thought I made a good choice.
[233] Thank you.
[234] Thank you very much.
[235] I appreciate you not escaping.
[236] You know, coming back.
[237] You saved my job.
[238] Well, I'm really glad.
[239] It sounds like you're.
[240] you're managing well and that you're doing an admirable job.
[241] So I do a pretty, any way I can help you.
[242] How can I help you, Walt?
[243] Well, you know, we could definitely use another guard for sure.
[244] If you want to be a correction officer.
[245] You know, we need somebody that looks a little bit like Max Shrek and Nospiratu with a wig.
[246] Absolutely wonderful, you know.
[247] You're a tall guy.
[248] No, you're a tall guy.
[249] You're in good shape.
[250] You look great.
[251] Oh, well, thank you.
[252] I try to take care of myself.
[253] I'm a six foot four gentleman.
[254] and when the hair is working on like 6 -6.
[255] There you go.
[256] That two inches of lift.
[257] I think there would be problems.
[258] I think first of all, I would be obsessed with doing bits for the prisoners.
[259] They would love.
[260] Oh, I'd be on the intercom the whole time.
[261] Oh, no. Doing like, this just in when the wacky news, you know.
[262] I'm Walter Crank case.
[263] I would just be doing bits.
[264] Oh, no. Wacky news.
[265] I'd be doing bits the whole time.
[266] I'd, oh, God, I'd be the worst.
[267] I would be the worst.
[268] I think I would be an entertaining warden, but a very inefficient warden, and I wouldn't live long.
[269] No. Well, you got a good step.
[270] We'll keep you safe.
[271] All right.
[272] Well, this was really, well, I have to say, I did.
[273] We actually, it's incredible.
[274] We've had, my favorite conversations are the ones where you're laughing, you're having a good time, and then you, you, things take a turn as they should.
[275] And then somehow we ended up laughing again.
[276] But I do, I do have a lot of respect for you and your coworkers.
[277] I think that's got to be a tough job at times, and especially now during COVID.
[278] And this sounds weird, but say hello to the inmates for me. I sure will.
[279] I've told I'm very popular in prisons.
[280] A lot of them are asking about you.
[281] not a lot of well tell them to come visit wait a minute hold on maybe not Conan can I tell you to that I absolutely loved you on murderville wait a minute hold on maybe not Conan can I tell you too that I absolutely loved you on murderville oh hey thank you it was absolutely wonderful I want to know how to make a slopporita I mean I guess Jesus I had a lot of fun on Murderville I knew nothing about it of course If anyone else had asked me, I probably would have said, you know, I'm busy.
[282] I want to spend time with my family, but it's Will Arnett, who's one of my favorite funny people.
[283] And he called and he said, you know, you don't know what's going on and we make a fool out of you.
[284] And I said, sign me up.
[285] And I really did enjoy it.
[286] And it's been nice because I keep hearing from people who've enjoyed the episode.
[287] So yeah, well, listen, Walt, it's been really nice talking to you.
[288] be safe, take care.
[289] I hope you guys all make it through COVID safely.
[290] And thank you.
[291] Thanks for being a fan.
[292] That's really cool.
[293] Yeah, you guys are the best.
[294] Thank you for everything.
[295] Thanks, Walt.
[296] Thank you, Walt.
[297] Take care.
[298] Take care.
[299] Bye, guys.
[300] Conan O 'Brien needs a fan.
[301] With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gourley.
[302] Produced by me, Matt Gourley.
[303] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solitaireoff, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson at Earwolf.
[304] Music by Jimmy Vivino.
[305] Supervising producer Aaron Blaird.
[306] Associate talent producer Jennifer Samples.
[307] Associate producers Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm.
[308] Engineered by Will Beckton.
[309] Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.
[310] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Stitcher.
[311] Thank you.