Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend XX
[0] Hello, my name is Lizzie Kaplan.
[1] And I feel confused about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.
[2] Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books and pens.
[3] I can tell that we are going to be friends.
[4] We are going to be friends.
[5] Hey there.
[6] Welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.
[7] The podcast that gives and gives and gives and never takes.
[8] I said that without thinking about it and I immediately regret it.
[9] What would we take?
[10] I don't know.
[11] I just sometimes we get going and I don't give it any thought.
[12] We take an hour from their lives.
[13] They can't get back.
[14] You're right.
[15] Nice to see you both.
[16] Matt Goreley, Sonoma, Sessian.
[17] Yes.
[18] Yes.
[19] Yes.
[20] Correct.
[21] That is my name.
[22] I am not an alien in Sona's skin.
[23] This is not a border cross.
[24] Yes, yes, yes.
[25] Subcommittee hearing, yes, yes, that is correct.
[26] That's my name.
[27] Distinguished gentlewoman from Altadena.
[28] I'd like to mention something that's on my mind, which is that recently we started this Team Coco channel on Sirius Radio.
[29] As you guys know, I was not a regular listener to our podcast.
[30] I'm not someone who seeks out my work and wants to enjoy.
[31] enjoy it, watch it, that's just not something that I do.
[32] But what's interesting is that this serious channel started and they play podcasts that, you know, the podcasts we've done, they play a lot of different content from over the years.
[33] And I don't know what the psychological difference is, but because it's on the radio and it's just playing, when I get in my car now, I'll turn it on.
[34] And so I drove to work today.
[35] I was listening.
[36] I was in my car.
[37] listening to myself and you guys and I was laughing and I realized this is the most masturbatory thing I've done since I last masturbated were you masturbating at the time well I want to try that because that would be I'm sure an incredible high weren't you worried about someone driving up and then seeing Conan O 'Brien listening to Conan O 'Brien you know what I do when I if I pull up to a light and someone pulls up next to me and they're in a convertible, I lower my window, and I laugh hysterically.
[38] And I say, it's me. I'm on the radio and I'm killing it.
[39] I'm as funny as I think I am.
[40] Confirmed.
[41] No, I just thought, I'm sure that this is, I don't intend to do this a lot, but it is funny.
[42] First of all, I've forgotten a lot of things.
[43] Yeah.
[44] Yeah.
[45] And so we've done so much over a number of years.
[46] It hasn't been that long, but we've done a lot of stuff.
[47] So I'm listening to it with fresh ears.
[48] What were you listening to?
[49] which episode was listening to us with J .B. Smooth.
[50] Do you like it?
[51] Do you like this podcast?
[52] Yeah.
[53] Oh, cool.
[54] I do.
[55] I think there are improvements that could be made.
[56] Oh, what?
[57] What improvements?
[58] Well, Sona, what do you think you bring to the table?
[59] You know what?
[60] I mean...
[61] No, I really do.
[62] I don't even know.
[63] No, no, I enjoy it.
[64] And it was just funny because I thought, this is a new low as I...
[65] Why do you think it's a low?
[66] It's okay to listen as something...
[67] No, there's nothing wrong with this being like, hey, you know what?
[68] Good job, Cones.
[69] Is they saying that to yourself?
[70] That's not what I do.
[71] I don't say, oh, good job, Cones.
[72] I say, you're killing it.
[73] At least you admit it.
[74] You're destroying!
[75] At least you admit it.
[76] I think there are some people that wouldn't admit that they listen to themselves.
[77] I high -fived myself.
[78] That's when you're masturbating?
[79] That means both hands.
[80] No. Okay.
[81] Well, first of all, I use one of those trucker devices.
[82] What?
[83] Yeah, they plug into the...
[84] Yeah, you can buy them.
[85] Oh, you mean like a fleshlight?
[86] Let's just say that you...
[87] I was a trucker for a while.
[88] Oh my God.
[89] In between gates.
[90] Of all the jobs that you could pretend you've ever done, trucker is the most far -fetched.
[91] Guess what?
[92] I did go to trucking school and I took a class and I drove a big rig and you can watch it.
[93] It was a late -night remote.
[94] Okay, you did it for jokes and yucks and stuff.
[95] No, but I actually did have to learn how to drive what we call in the business, the big rig.
[96] Oh.
[97] And I think there's so many trucks.
[98] that just are so angry right now.
[99] Listen, I, the course was just a couple of hours and I took it maybe 25 years ago, but I think I'm every bit as good a trucker as any trucker out there right now.
[100] No way, man. And I'll tell you this, no. But anyway, I've heard tell that there's a device that can plug in.
[101] It's like a, if one wants to pleasure oneself while driving, it's no hands.
[102] So it is a fleshlight, right?
[103] Does it plug into the cigarette lighter?
[104] Why do you need to plug it in?
[105] Well, I prefer.
[106] There's one now that's solar powered.
[107] Oh.
[108] You just, you just, you attach a little thing to the roof of your car, the sunroof.
[109] Uh -huh.
[110] Because I'd like to go eco and be green.
[111] But what's it?
[112] Is it doing a wump, wump, wim, wim, wim.
[113] Excuse me?
[114] What?
[115] Do that again.
[116] Do that again.
[117] Do that again.
[118] Do that again.
[119] Is it, Womphuomphi.
[120] Come see the human fleshlight live on stage.
[121] Sort of obsessing.
[122] I mean, first of all What is it do?
[123] Why are you plugging it in?
[124] I mean, can't you just Also, why do you even need a...
[125] Also, it's not just truckers I'm thinking that do this.
[126] Matt, you must understand what I'm talking about here.
[127] I think I do.
[128] You're on a long trip and you're driving your truck.
[129] Oh, am I hauling cab over Pete and Kenworth 18 wheeler with 18 gears?
[130] There you go.
[131] Oh, God, you too.
[132] Man, that sucks.
[133] And then you're far away, you're lonely.
[134] Yeah.
[135] And then you got to take care of business.
[136] but you don't want to take your hands off the wheel.
[137] I'm 10 -10 on the side.
[138] I'm hiding pickles in the shade.
[139] I got a bear in the air.
[140] Oh, yeah.
[141] I said, let's that trucker roll 10 -4 because we got a great big convoy going through the night.
[142] No. You're climaxing as you're driving.
[143] Isn't that dangerous?
[144] You can't help, but when you're hauling.
[145] Yep.
[146] Tell them.
[147] Just a bed full of logs or you got a reefer, which is refrigerated cargo.
[148] What?
[149] Yeah.
[150] And you're going over.
[151] When you're hauling reefer, you're, and you're, you're stacked and you're Peterbilt and you're heading down.
[152] Oh man, I'm getting excited.
[153] You know, and you're heading down the old concrete highway.
[154] Yeah.
[155] You, um, you need sometimes to blow off some steam and that's when the old wump, wump, wump comes in.
[156] You got the bandit running blocker for you, eastbound and down, long way to go, short time to get there.
[157] Time to get there.
[158] Oh, right.
[159] Run, bandit, run.
[160] You got, um, uh, contraband coors.
[161] Yeah.
[162] Got to get it over the Arkansas state line.
[163] Yeah.
[164] You got to help set.
[165] You got to help set up.
[166] You got to help set up.
[167] You got to Sally Fields.
[168] Oh, yeah.
[169] Okay, we went too far.
[170] You guys did a long time ago.
[171] I don't know.
[172] I still...
[173] I'll stop at a chokin' pute and get a Diablo sandwich.
[174] Okay.
[175] Oh, my God.
[176] Now I'm gonna look at...
[177] Have you memorized the movie?
[178] That's one of my favorite movies.
[179] Have you memorized the movie?
[180] This is a movie.
[181] What are you doing?
[182] What is it?
[183] This is Smokey and the Bandit, one of the great movies of all time.
[184] Oh, that's what this is.
[185] Bert Reynolds, yes.
[186] Jerry Reed.
[187] Oh, my God, Jerry Reed.
[188] The finest musician ever lived.
[189] You know what?
[190] I'll agree with you.
[191] Shout out to the late Jerry Reed.
[192] one of the great pickers of all time who wrote wonderful songs for Elvis Presley among some and it was a great recording artist in his own right and then went on to be the sidekick in the bandit movies.
[193] And he's a really good actor.
[194] Terrific.
[195] I never got to meet him.
[196] I wish I'd met him.
[197] But anyway, I'm worried that we got off topic which is a device that pleasures your penis when you plug it in or there is a solar option.
[198] Okay.
[199] So let's get the word out of that.
[200] Is there one that you could plug into a potato like those old little kids' clocks and you could get powered that way?
[201] I don't think so.
[202] I'll work on it.
[203] In my childhood, everything was powered by a potato.
[204] Yours specifically, yeah.
[205] And so I...
[206] There was just way too many potatoes in my childhood.
[207] So no, that's a boner killer right there.
[208] Anyway, this took a turn for the worse.
[209] Yeah.
[210] But a shout out to the late Jerry Reed and to truckers everywhere.
[211] where we respect what you do.
[212] And to anyone who needs to use a device that plugs into a cigarette lighter to relieve themselves on the road, I mean, these are all things that I just want to make sure that we wrap up and salute them in that order.
[213] Yes.
[214] Okay, let's get started.
[215] All right.
[216] My guest today, if she's still here.
[217] I'm sorry, I can't believe this was an intro?
[218] Yeah, my guest today, if she still is.
[219] I like to say if she's still here.
[220] We have many guests now leave during the intro.
[221] That's right.
[222] Very talented actress, you know, from such films, and TV shows is Mean Girls, Cloverfield, and Masters of Sex.
[223] Now you can see her in the new FX miniseries, Fleishman in Trouble.
[224] I really do adore this person and have for a long time.
[225] Very excited she's with us today.
[226] Lizzie Kaplan, welcome.
[227] I was under the impression that we already were kind of friends.
[228] No, I thought we were too, and then I checked the paperwork.
[229] No. We never got to friend status.
[230] Right.
[231] I saw that I just forged.
[232] like a cat paw print instead of my name with paperwork.
[233] Well, yes, we should disclose that we have been friendly for a number of years.
[234] Friendly.
[235] Yeah, very friendly, I think.
[236] And I have dined recently with you and your just incredible husband, who enrages me with his talent and good looks.
[237] Yes, both those things.
[238] Yes.
[239] and he can tell too.
[240] It feels pity for me. Yeah, yeah.
[241] Oh, yeah.
[242] But we also had a really good time.
[243] We hung out in England.
[244] I was there to interview Ricky Javais and you were living there at the time with Tom and you guys joined up with me and we ended up having Guinness in a real pub in the northern part of London, I think.
[245] Yeah.
[246] And you ordered a scotch egg.
[247] Yes, I did.
[248] Yes.
[249] And I thought, what's a scotch egg?
[250] Because you, I romanticize when people live in a foreign country.
[251] That's always something I dream about.
[252] So you come into the pub.
[253] You're nice enough to meet up with me, you guys.
[254] You and Tom come in and you sit down and then you just seem to be so comfortable like you would become British.
[255] And you ordered a scotch egg, which I didn't even know what a scotch egg.
[256] Do you know what it is?
[257] Yeah, isn't an egg racked in sausage and then fried?
[258] That's correct.
[259] Yeah.
[260] I've had a scotch quails egg before.
[261] Oh, dainty.
[262] I knew to turn to Gourley for this, because if there's something, anything slightly angle and make it dainty.
[263] Yeah.
[264] I can tell that you romanticized it because you just called it like a real pub.
[265] It's more of a real pub.
[266] I know.
[267] They're everywhere.
[268] I know, I know.
[269] But I get very, I'm nerdy, in a lot of ways, but one of my things is when I was, when I'm walking around in London, I just keep thinking, I'm in London, now I'm in a pub in London, same, I'll have a Guinness, I'm drinking the Guinness in London, I'm wearing a tweed cap.
[270] I mean, I'm, I don't know, I'm so self -conscious.
[271] I feel like that all the time about everything, and only recently do I feel like I'm shedding that thing, like that I'm not doing commentary about the normal things that people just seem to be doing around me without, you know, thinking too hard about it.
[272] Right, right.
[273] But we did drink a lot of Guinness that day.
[274] In the middle of the day.
[275] I may have had more than you guys.
[276] Yeah, maybe.
[277] Maybe.
[278] Tom was just saying, he's like, you guys, you drink when you're together, like you and I. Yeah.
[279] And I don't feel like I drink that much.
[280] But when I'm with you, my best friend, Lee.
[281] I also think, and I could be wrong, but there's something about Guinness that feels like it doesn't count.
[282] Like, if I had, if someone was putting down scotch or.
[283] anything like that.
[284] I'm not big into spirits, but if it's Guinness, I don't know what it is.
[285] I don't feel like it counts.
[286] It's like a meal.
[287] It is.
[288] If someone took a loaf of pumpernickel bread and put it into a paper shredder and then let it sit for a couple of months.
[289] Yeah, it's bread soup.
[290] It's bread soup and then you drink it.
[291] Yeah.
[292] But we had, we had a very good time and I have wanted you to be on the podcast for a long time because, and I say this with just write a out.
[293] You're one of my favorite people.
[294] You really are.
[295] Do you say that to everybody that walks in?
[296] You know, I've said it.
[297] I would say 25 % of the people, but I do feel there's sincerity in your voice this time.
[298] So I'd put that in the top 5%.
[299] Come on.
[300] I'm serious.
[301] Yeah.
[302] Yeah.
[303] Well, I think, uh...
[304] Yeah, you're not such a shit.
[305] No, I'm kidding.
[306] No. He really sincerely means it.
[307] Yeah.
[308] And I, uh, I'm always, and the other person, my wife knows it.
[309] My wife knows that I have Lizzie Kaplan fever.
[310] And she's like, Yeah, I get it.
[311] I totally get it.
[312] Just the fact that you two drink together, he won't drink with us.
[313] Oh, God, no. No, no. I take a lot of pills when I'm around you.
[314] That's just for your hip.
[315] You can take a pill for your hip.
[316] Wow, who knew?
[317] It's a hip -hill.
[318] No, I adore you.
[319] You're such a terrific comedic actress who can also do drama.
[320] You're so good at what you do, but also, and we won't get into specifics, but you are so smart about people.
[321] And you and I have had conversations where different people will come up or in the industry, whatever, and you are so incisive, not mean just so incisive about human beings, what makes them tick, what you've noticed.
[322] And I always walk away and think, like, this is an incredible person.
[323] That's so nice.
[324] No, it's true.
[325] I mean this 130%.
[326] I believe you.
[327] And that's like, I don't think anybody's ever said that to me. And I think it's the greatest compliment I've ever received.
[328] I'm not even being, like, flippant about it.
[329] That's a great thing to have somebody think about you.
[330] But it's true.
[331] I'm thinking specifically of different times people have come up and you'll say something.
[332] And it's just, I feel like you have a bit of a superpower, not a bit of a, it is a superpower to be able to just see people for who they are in this business that's tricky.
[333] Thanks, Conan.
[334] Part of this journey of this podcast started with me just wanting to be very honest, if I could, about talking.
[335] talking to people who anyone else would envy, saying, yes, it is great.
[336] I am not complaining, but also it is very complicated.
[337] And there's a lot of strange people in this business.
[338] And there's a lot of our buttons get pushed.
[339] And I feel like that is something that you are aware of and you've handled it really well.
[340] I do feel like I've been sort of positioned in a just geographically positioned well, meaning I'm from L .A. I have these friends that I grew up with.
[341] It's probably like 10 to 15 of us who have been friends since we were little kids, like five years old.
[342] And none of them do this.
[343] And I don't have to get on a plane to go see this group of friends.
[344] They're here in the city that I live in most of the time.
[345] And so think that's been helpful?
[346] Like they don't care.
[347] And they genuinely don't care, but like in a loving way.
[348] Whereas some people say that they don't care.
[349] Okay, so going back to what you're saying, because of Thanksgiving, right, just happened.
[350] I was talking to Tom and it's like it's almost like if you do this for a living, what we do, it's like a family disease.
[351] Tell me if you agree with this.
[352] Okay.
[353] So I'm with my family who are amazing and wonderful.
[354] But a lot of family friends, different people kind of come in and you get a lot of like, I don't know if it comes from like, I'm going to prove to you that I'm not impressed that you're an actress.
[355] I don't care that you're an actress.
[356] So I'm going to say mean shit to you all the time.
[357] Yeah.
[358] And you kind of just take it and it's fine.
[359] But like it's always family friends or like some distant aunt that's like I saw that shit.
[360] It wasn't for me. I said, I liked the other thing you did.
[361] You're like, cool, I just spent eight months of my life.
[362] I don't go to, like, your accountancy office and say, like, you know what?
[363] You're doing just fine.
[364] And you sort of have to take these blows, like, all the time.
[365] And they're not a big deal.
[366] But also, nobody wants to hear you complain about these little mean things.
[367] It's a tricky balancing act.
[368] We were talking on the podcast once to David Sedaris, and he was talking about this exact same phenomenon.
[369] and I said to him, I get the sense that there are people that need to tax you, meaning they apply a tax, they apply a bit of a tax to you because they think in some way you need to pay them a little bit for your whatever, success or perceived better life, you know.
[370] I don't know.
[371] And it's very complicated.
[372] And so the idea that, no, but I'm sure other people kiss your ass, so I'm going to cross a crowded room and tell you, by the way, I never quite got it.
[373] You're like, wow, okay, that's impressive.
[374] And it's, I mean, you have it on a much different scale than I do.
[375] And I see also that it would be really annoying for, let's say, your family to have, you know, your sibling, have somebody, somebody's always trying to talk to your sibling about you.
[376] Yeah.
[377] That would suck.
[378] Like, I wouldn't handle that well at all.
[379] But I also don't personally feel successful or famous or any of those things ever.
[380] Like, I don't think that's the reality.
[381] of my situation.
[382] And so when people occasionally like to kind of stick it to me, I'm like, I was just, I was just sitting here.
[383] It is true.
[384] You do just sit around a lot.
[385] You were here when we got here.
[386] Every time I've bumped into Lizzie anywhere, she's just sitting.
[387] Yeah.
[388] Just sitting like on a rock or sitting on a bench.
[389] Yeah.
[390] And I'm like, what are you doing?
[391] It's just sitting here.
[392] When you find a nice rock.
[393] You can pass up that opportunity.
[394] But yes, and then like the dirty little secret is like nobody wants to hear you.
[395] And, you know, you shouldn't actually complain to many people about this.
[396] It's not a universal experience, but it is a weird thing where it becomes, and I see it with a lot of friends, or any, like, little bits of success I've had, it just, you're like up to a level of isolation.
[397] And because nobody wants to hear you, let's say you, let's make it about you, Kill me. Nobody wants to hear you complain because you are very successful and you have a lot of money and whatever.
[398] Oh, I lost a lot of it.
[399] Oh, you used to.
[400] to have a lot of money.
[401] I bought up an entire collection of put all my money into Victorian pornography.
[402] Ooh.
[403] Yeah, which is not racy at all.
[404] No, a lot of clothes.
[405] Yeah, it's just a bare ankle here and there.
[406] And I'm your only customer.
[407] Yeah.
[408] And after you had bought like $8 ,000 worth, you were cleaned out.
[409] But no, I, no, but it is, it's true.
[410] And I chose my life.
[411] I've, you know, had some ups and.
[412] downs but I'm one of I'm the dictionary definition of very lucky so I have absolutely nothing to complain about and I would like that on my tombstone which would be ironic because I'd be dead which is a legitimate thing to complain about.
[413] How about up until this point I had nothing to complain.
[414] Yeah dot dot dot dot John O 'Brien, 1963, 2025.
[415] Now that gives me a little time.
[416] I know but I have to fix up my resume.
[417] I'm going to start looking for other work.
[418] Come on, I know you guys are...
[419] Do you want to start a podcast?
[420] I would love to.
[421] Okay.
[422] I really like it here.
[423] We're free.
[424] Yeah, we could just keep the same space.
[425] Okay, cool.
[426] You just move from there to there.
[427] Trust me. You would, everyone would be very happy with that outcome.
[428] This is your first podcast.
[429] Is that right?
[430] It's my first podcast, and it's already feeling like I've done it wrong.
[431] No. What are you talking about?
[432] Oh, this is...
[433] Oh, but you know what I can tell?
[434] This is you.
[435] Yeah.
[436] This is you, which is my guest, you don't like to watch yourself, do your work?
[437] No, it's very rare that I like that.
[438] I like it on this, on Fleischman is in trouble.
[439] I like that.
[440] I like watching that.
[441] Which, by the way, I told you this before we started.
[442] Fleischman is in trouble with, it's with you and Claire Daines and Jesse Eisenberg.
[443] And I was binge watching it.
[444] And I am loving it.
[445] And it's such a good story and it's so compelling that it got to the end of the third episode.
[446] And they said, yeah, now you have to wait for more.
[447] and I became enraged and pulled my flat screen off the wall.
[448] Wow.
[449] So strong.
[450] Yeah, oh, I didn't mean that for that to come out, but with a slight tug of my massive arms, oh, God.
[451] And a bit of a torque of my perfect six -pack.
[452] And I'm just describing what happened.
[453] It easily came out of the wall.
[454] Slid right all.
[455] I threw it up into the sky.
[456] Must have been poorly installed.
[457] Yeah.
[458] I like torque of my six -pack.
[459] I've never heard that before.
[460] That's a slight torque, and just then some photographers were there, and they took beautiful black and white photographs.
[461] Were you oiled at the time?
[462] I was oiled and bare -chested.
[463] And then I threw the flat screen up into the sky, and it went into the sun.
[464] Whoa.
[465] Something, yeah, and just disappeared.
[466] But anyway, I love it.
[467] I'm also a fan of your co -stars.
[468] Claire Daines is a lovely person, obviously very talented.
[469] Jesse Eisenberg, she first came on my show many years.
[470] years ago when he was just starting out, I think for Squid and the Whale.
[471] And a couple of days later, a handwritten note showed up on my desk.
[472] That's adorable.
[473] And from, and this very nice boy wrote me a beautiful letter thanking me for having him on the show.
[474] And he had me. He's like, that guy had me. And then a couple of other times, I've received a nice Jesse Eisenberg.
[475] So, Jesse, if you're out there, I need another letter soon.
[476] He is a sweet boy.
[477] He's a very really sweet guy.
[478] Now he's a sweet man. 40, 40 years old.
[479] Well, according to Wikipedia, he's 67.
[480] Oh, damn.
[481] He is the best guy.
[482] I love him.
[483] Just take it easy.
[484] No, he is the best, the funniest.
[485] Just like a guy in the public eye.
[486] Have you seen him rip a TV off a wall?
[487] Bare chested and oil?
[488] Yeah, like to see Jesse do that.
[489] I guess if the walls were made of oatmeal, it would come right on.
[490] What a weird insult.
[491] Hey, Jesse.
[492] Jesse, if you're listening, if you had to rip a flat screen off a wall, the wall would have to be made of oatmeal.
[493] It's going to write you a letter about that.
[494] We'll be right back with more insults no one's ever said in the history of mankind.
[495] I'm curious because I have not talked to you about this, but to me you are a very natural talent and it makes me feel like you must have known you wanted to do this at an early age.
[496] But that was not the case.
[497] You had other dreams, other schemes.
[498] I mean, now looking back, yes, I was very young.
[499] when I decided this, but at the time it didn't, because again, grew up in LA, did not have these dreams of actress work.
[500] I'm not even going to say startup.
[501] So being a working actor, I didn't think about it.
[502] And then, yeah, I went to a performing arts high school, and I played the piano.
[503] And I used to be pretty good at the piano, but I was never going to be like a pianist.
[504] Right.
[505] Let's just watch the language.
[506] Okay.
[507] It's all right.
[508] And then I needed, so I quit the piano, and then I needed an elective to stay in the academy.
[509] And so I just said, I'll do acting because I don't know how to sing or dance or play the saxophone.
[510] So I did that.
[511] And then now I do this for a living.
[512] Did you feel like freaks and geeks was the first moment where you felt like, oh, this jelling or were there experiences before freaks and geeks?
[513] That was my first experience.
[514] That was the first thing.
[515] You had done like a commercial.
[516] Nothing.
[517] Okay.
[518] My first thing was one line on Freaks and Geeks opposite Ben Foster, who was amazing in the show.
[519] Like, everybody in that show was amazing.
[520] And I just found, I had to go through, like, periodically I have to go through this big box of old photos, usually, like, for set decoration for whatever I'm working on.
[521] They always want to, you know, like put your own family photos and photos of you when you're a little kid up.
[522] So I go through this box and I found this photo that I hadn't seen forever.
[523] And it was the day that I had done this job, this first.
[524] freaks and geeks one day of work, first day ever.
[525] And I remember this moment.
[526] I remember sitting there, like, talking to my dad and his girlfriend and being like, it was so crazy.
[527] There was somebody.
[528] So I'd never even been on a set.
[529] And it's like, you stand on this thing.
[530] It's like a piece of paper or a tape, and they call it a mark.
[531] And I was eating a banana.
[532] And then it was time for us to shoot the thing.
[533] And somebody came and just held my banana for me. And then, like, gave it back to me. And then somebody else did that with my jacket.
[534] And it was like, I could.
[535] blue, every part of it completely blew my mind.
[536] And now I'm just jaded his head.
[537] Yeah.
[538] I'm like, why am I holding my own fucking banana?
[539] Where's our banana holder?
[540] Lizzie's locked herself in her trailer.
[541] She won't come out.
[542] You're my fucking banana holder.
[543] Fucking wringing circles you're running here.
[544] I remember, it's sweet that you say that because I am still very in touch with when I first got started and again this is you know you were a baby when this happened but my uh my writing partner gregg daniels and i came out to l .a and we had our first job right out of college working on a show on HBO called not necessarily the news and they showed us where our desks were going to be like here's where you work you'll have desks that we had desks that faced each other like bankers and you're going to sit in this room and pump out you know just write gags on these typewriters um i'm sorry what year was this?
[545] 1985.
[546] This is September 1985.
[547] And yeah, typewriters.
[548] That's crazy.
[549] And so, but I remember the first thing they showed us our office and they said, oh, and by the way, this here is the snack room.
[550] So, and it was a room that was just, you know, had like, you know, potato chips, sodas, cookies, you know, junk food.
[551] Snacks?
[552] Snacks?
[553] Could you actually list a few more snacks?
[554] I'm not.
[555] A Cracker Jack, say, which would be a popcorn with caramel.
[556] A Snickers bar.
[557] Anyway, Greg Daniels, who went on to, you know, do the American office and Parks and Rec, and I'm going to list all of his shows now, and more snacks.
[558] No, Greg came, he went there and he came back and he had a paper plate, and it had some potato chips.
[559] and cookies and stuff on it he was like this we get to have this now keep in mind he's 22 I'm 22 and he's like we get to have this I don't think we have to pay and he'd like eat them and then he'd go I'll be right back and it was the pure joy totally which you know and now here we are a million years later but I still remember the joy of I'm sorry you know when I was at Saturday Night Live at the craft surface table so we can have this and do we have to sign for it?
[560] No, no, that's a craft service table.
[561] Anybody that comes to visit, that's the thing that blows their mind the most.
[562] It takes you back to those moments.
[563] But I feel that way about like an office supply closet.
[564] We're like pens.
[565] And like post -its, you just take as many as you want.
[566] Yeah, yeah.
[567] That's crazy.
[568] And you sometimes think, and to this day, if I grab a couple, I mean, this is my, you know, a podcast company building.
[569] Yeah.
[570] But if I grabbed a cup.
[571] couple of my favorite pens.
[572] We all know what they are.
[573] The pilot precise script.
[574] What are they?
[575] And anyway, but you know what I mean?
[576] There's a part of me that thinks I might get stopped on the way out the door.
[577] Yeah, and you make us pay for snacks.
[578] So this is I went and I bought one of those 1940s, those machines that dispense sandwiches.
[579] Autobat?
[580] Yeah, and so I installed an automat.
[581] Of course you know what it's called.
[582] What the fuck?
[583] And if people want, and if people want toilet paper they have to put in and you have to find you have to find nickels and dimes from the 1950s such a fun office oh it's terrific we're really great so you did that and then uh i know that you did all these different projects and you weren't but then uh mean girls comes along yes and there was a lot of well there was because there was a lot that happened before mean girls you were known ish ish is definitely like freaks and geeks while that was like a mind -blowing experience just because it was also new.
[584] It was not, I didn't, like, feel connected to anything.
[585] It was just all overwhelming.
[586] It wasn't fun.
[587] It was just like, I can't believe I'm doing this.
[588] And I did a few episodes of it.
[589] And every episode felt like that.
[590] And then sometimes I think, like, that some actors only have that experience.
[591] Like, they only have, oh, people were sort of nice and it was fine, but I didn't, like, bond with anybody.
[592] And I didn't become, like, homies with the makeup.
[593] Like, they don't have the full experience, well, what I consider to be.
[594] the full experience.
[595] And I think it would be a really bad job if you only got that version of it.
[596] Right.
[597] Because so much of it is, like, you build these really intense relationships with so many people throughout, you know, every job.
[598] Maybe you keep like one or two friends as you move on.
[599] But like, it is, I couldn't, the main, like, oh, I couldn't work in an office thing is I couldn't imagine not having that full on.
[600] We are related to each other.
[601] We are in love with each other.
[602] And now I'll never see you again.
[603] I need that weird.
[604] Right.
[605] It's like it's like being in, I mean, I shouldn't say this, but it's akin in some way to being in the trenches with some people.
[606] Like, it feels like we're in this.
[607] We've got to make this work together.
[608] And then these bonds form.
[609] It bonds you.
[610] And then like the same, the abrupt goodbye.
[611] It took me, I guess that's the one difference.
[612] It's like you do these, you did the same show forever.
[613] You stuck around with these people.
[614] But for me, it was like, you have these experiences.
[615] And then you really do, like, depart this family.
[616] And I don't know a single actor.
[617] certainly not any that I'm friends with that don't have like severe abandonment issues and like we just go and do this to ourselves all the time like it's wild you know it's funny we always choose the thing that we fear most as a kid and it's documented because I would talk about it and I actually wrote the writer E .B. White a letter telling him I was wanted to do something and maybe be a writer but that I was very afraid of criticism and he wrote me back and this is in 1980 so what am I like 16 years old and I know that my nightmare was what's the thing I care about the most being funny what would terrify me the terrify me the most to be up in front of people trying to be funny and have it not work I would rather be burned with acid than have that happen what did I choose to do yeah yeah but isn't that impressive that you did that with your life Like, you face the thing that scared you.
[618] And, yeah, you always have to, like, put it in context.
[619] Like, no, it's not as impressive as, like, X, Y, Z. We're just entertainers.
[620] We're pieces of shit.
[621] Don't worry.
[622] Don't worry.
[623] We hate ourselves.
[624] Like, but it is, like, you know, we're, like, facing the thing that's scary.
[625] So you said, and do you think this is something that is true, view and other actors is abandonment issues?
[626] Yeah.
[627] I mean, that's been my experience, for sure.
[628] Right.
[629] And then.
[630] Is it something you had your whole life?
[631] Yes.
[632] I mean, yes.
[633] I mean, I know my mom died, and that's when it happened.
[634] And then you were quite young, I think.
[635] 13, yeah, damn.
[636] But then, like, you see all these, and I think it was especially painful at the beginning because when you're doing especially, like, young people, high school things, for example, when I did a bunch of those, there's this whole social element to it.
[637] I'm very happy to have graduated from this, to be honest.
[638] I aged out of it because it used to be like, okay, we're in Canada for two months, and we're going to work together, but we're also going to be best friends, and we have to go out every single night together.
[639] And if you don't go out, then you're left out.
[640] And it's like this whole social element to it, which is exhausting.
[641] And then you're convinced you're going to be best friends forever.
[642] And you never are.
[643] Like you put those relationships, you like put them in the real world and they fizzle and die except for like maybe one or two.
[644] And the same thing with like romantic relationships.
[645] Like this is this is true love to like learn that a few times.
[646] I think that's a pretty universal thing.
[647] Like then as soon as you're like not living in a hotel.
[648] room with like nothing, no responsibilities whatsoever.
[649] No distractions, right.
[650] But the people I know who still hold on to that, and there are very few now that were grown -ups and people have families and stuff, but like you don't expect to, it's never going to be the same, you accept that it's never going to be the same.
[651] It was interesting with Fleischman because Taffy, who wrote the book and the show, is her first experience doing a television show.
[652] And she's experiencing all of that for the first time, like on the last day of work, like how emotional that was the last day of shooting.
[653] But then what happens?
[654] And how do we stay close?
[655] How do we keep this going?
[656] Yeah, but you do get used to it.
[657] It's like a callous forms.
[658] And so for Taff, he's seeing it with her for the first time, and I just have to be like, it's not going to continue.
[659] This is it.
[660] Like, as bad as it feels now, it doesn't, it's not going to feel better.
[661] You're just going to maybe have another fun experience, hopefully in the future.
[662] But like, this is dead.
[663] and over.
[664] There's nothing that I can say to you other than the truth which is like it feels bad but most of us have been doing this for so long we're used to the feeling and so couldn't you lie to her just a little bit?
[665] Like this is it you've peaked sorry peaked yet it's horrible how is Taffy now is she okay yeah but there's still I mean we're still in it you know like especially with this roll out like the old school week by week episodes coming out It's still happening, but not for much longer.
[666] You know, for a few more weeks that I'll call her, be like, now it's really over.
[667] It sucks.
[668] Like, I do feel for her, and the premiere was in New York, and for many reasons, it was such a celebration.
[669] Like, it felt the first time, like, truly post -pandemic.
[670] Like, it was in Carnegie Hall and a tavern on the green, and I hadn't been to a big premiere in so long.
[671] And she kept saying, like, it's like my bat mitzvah.
[672] and it really was the happiest night of her life and it was so fun it was genuinely fun and those premier parties are never fun like they're always just kind of work and I'm always in her ear like they're never fun like this you know it's probably never going to be fun like this again the whole time on step it's good to have you around you're all right I like what do you like on the holidays this is probably our last Christmas as a family the tree was a pagan symbol but it is Fleshman was one of those lucky things where like everybody in the cast was nice.
[673] Everybody came like very prepared.
[674] All these things that don't happen every time.
[675] Everybody bonded.
[676] It really felt like a family and everybody says that and it rarely actually feels like a family family.
[677] But this did to the point where Taffy gave a speech at the premiere and she thanked her sons and her husband clawed at the end.
[678] And everybody, I mean the thunderous applause for Claude because everybody in that room knew like we took your wife away and you had to hold it down and like the first time you do a show I can't imagine anything crazier and everybody knew Claude and everybody knew how he stepped up in the greatest way and everybody, it felt like genuinely like the warmth in the room for this show I have never experienced anything like that and I think it is because of Taffy coming in all green and bright eyed and like this is amazing and it's nice to have somebody remind you like oh actually this is amazing Yeah.
[679] It is my experience.
[680] I saw it at SNL when I'd been there for a while and was really still blown away by it.
[681] But I'll never forget when Adam Sandler showed up for the first time as a kid.
[682] Oh, he kept doing was coming by and going like, oh, this is the best.
[683] This is the best.
[684] Oh, my God.
[685] Did you know, and again, that same kind of thing like, these snacks are free.
[686] And, you know, and I thought I've always been drawn to that energy.
[687] I love that energy because I think the biggest challenge, and I'm not just talking about show business.
[688] I mean in any career, the biggest challenge is how do I stay young?
[689] And I don't mean how do I look young, but how do I just keep that sense of, wow, this is fun.
[690] Yeah.
[691] Which is, you know, you have to work at it.
[692] It's like stomach crunches or something.
[693] You just have to do it.
[694] You really keep bringing up them apps.
[695] Yeah.
[696] I don't think you've.
[697] We get it.
[698] Let's see them.
[699] Wonderful apps.
[700] There we go.
[701] Slurp.
[702] Slorp, blarp, blarp.
[703] The sound blarp isn't heard much, but when I take my shirt off, you'll hear three blarps as different chunks of abdominal fat settle down by my ass.
[704] Oh, wow.
[705] Oh, come on.
[706] Ladies out there, you're getting hot?
[707] How does your abdominal fat get to your ass?
[708] Yeah.
[709] It falls.
[710] So it's back abdominal?
[711] It's like pendulum swings back.
[712] Thank you.
[713] betwixt the legs.
[714] Thank you.
[715] Oh.
[716] Thank you.
[717] Lizzie saw me come out of the ocean and she saw it happen.
[718] So it's like you're like swing dancing with your body fat.
[719] That's a beautiful way to think about it.
[720] It's like that German, that Berlin film swing dance, which is all about people.
[721] German, what an improbable film.
[722] I think it takes place like during World War II and there are Nazis, but kids are Germans are swing dance and you're like, no. No. You're impressive swing dance.
[723] answers, but maybe opposed this regime?
[724] Swing kids.
[725] Swing kids.
[726] Yeah, I remember that movie.
[727] Oh, I remember that.
[728] You actually made a reference, I got.
[729] Yeah, and then in the end, Hitler's driving by and a Mercedes -Benz and he hears the swing music, and he goes in and he sees them all, and he decides to be a better person.
[730] Oh, that's nice.
[731] Yeah.
[732] Dance.
[733] God bless dance.
[734] It'll save us all.
[735] I will.
[736] It will.
[737] You know, I was.
[738] going to ask you, because I brought up Mean Girls, and this was something that is, I think, kind of important to your story, which is you played this character who's now iconic, Janice Ian, and there was a while where you felt like you needed to now change their trajectory after that.
[739] Is that true?
[740] Yes.
[741] But that was, honestly, it was such a different time.
[742] Yeah.
[743] It also feels, it's so strange.
[744] It almost feels like Mean Girls just came out, like, recently, for whatever reason it's it's I've been talking to so many kids about mean girls like in it it came out so long ago now and it's like it never really goes away but it just feels like there's a weird resurgence I think mean girls is one of those films it's a bit there's a bunch uh not a bunch they're they're they're they're few and far between but it's like an elf for something that's just going to keep getting rediscovered I think that's probably true based on what's happening and it's it's it's cool I mean I think I used to be like I've done other things, you know, like right after the years following.
[745] But now I'm like, I'm very proud to have been in that.
[746] And I just ask the kids, like, but how is this, like this high school in mean girls doesn't look anything like your current high school.
[747] There's not like a social media element to any of this.
[748] Like how, what are you identifying with, you know, kids are mean to other kids.
[749] It's a beautiful universal truth.
[750] It's emotionally resonant.
[751] But I also think the reason I bring it up is I thought when you, you went to Masters of Sex, you had really carved out this very enviable niche in comedy.
[752] And then you'd take this big turn, which was worked amazingly well.
[753] Yeah, I don't know how that happened.
[754] That took a lot of, I would think, that's talk about a brave thing to do.
[755] I think that's a brave thing to do.
[756] Oh, I was like, I think it was braver for them, honestly, to hire me because I hadn't done anything dramatic.
[757] But like the, yes, your previous question, the mean girls thing, I did feel like pigeonholed and typecast, but it's not like that for girls playing like the weird best friend anymore.
[758] Like the weird best friend gets to be the central character now.
[759] Right.
[760] Now that's the star of the show.
[761] Yeah.
[762] And it certainly was not that way.
[763] So yes, I tried to do everything to like go against that and I like, you know, got a spray tan and dyed my hair blonde and got on this WB show.
[764] I have a friend, actress Lindsay Sloan and we met.
[765] We've been friends many, many years now, but we met in audition rooms for these WB shows.
[766] And we built through, like, Brunette, like Jewish girls.
[767] And we wanted to get T -shirts made that said, I am WB pretty.
[768] You'd always get these dudes like, they're going in another direction.
[769] It's like blonde.
[770] We're like, ma -huh.
[771] Uh -huh.
[772] I could buy a wig.
[773] Yeah.
[774] And, like, I definitely did.
[775] I was like, I'm going to fool you into thinking, I guess I'm not Jewish or whatever.
[776] whatever was required.
[777] I'm Dutch, and I'm from Malibu.
[778] I'm new here.
[779] Yeah, it didn't.
[780] Anyway, but then Masters of Sex, like, that whole process was crazy.
[781] I think I only got that job because they weren't shockingly familiar with smash hit party down that like nobody in the world saw.
[782] So they just weren't aware, like the producers were not aware of me. And I just remember going out to drinks with them and just talking about how obsessively.
[783] I was with this character, and then it was like the perfect time for me. I just really identified with her and what she was sort of doing and going through, this Virginia Johnson.
[784] And I had to do an audition, but the audition just in itself was amazing because they did like full hair and makeup.
[785] It was John Madden.
[786] The director was like an incredible director, like such a talent.
[787] And I did all the scenes.
[788] It was just the two of us in this room.
[789] We videotaped it.
[790] and not all the scenes.
[791] Wait a minute.
[792] Yeah, this older white man. It's like, just you and me. Where's the camera?
[793] Oh, trust me, there's a camera.
[794] Well, I'm sorry.
[795] Yeah, I realize now that that's what it sounded like.
[796] And then it was over, and I remember leaving and feeling like, even if I don't get this role, that was so incredible.
[797] Like, I don't get to do auditions like this for these dramatic roles.
[798] And I didn't think I could do any of this.
[799] I didn't think I could, like, pull this off in any way.
[800] And then they called me and said that they wanted me to do it.
[801] And I was like, can I go celebrate?
[802] I haven't wanted to celebrate in a while, anything, anything.
[803] And they were like, just hold off a minute.
[804] And then that minute took, like, months and months and months for me to actually get the part.
[805] And my agents were like, you need to take this other job.
[806] You need to do this other thing.
[807] And for whatever reason, I was like, no, I have to just the possibility of, of getting to do this is better than anything else.
[808] It's more of a, you know, real job.
[809] Right.
[810] Which I don't know if I'd have the balls to do that now, but I knew that, like, if I got to do that, it would really change things for me. And it did.
[811] I now can do both of those things.
[812] And I have so many comedic actress friends who are more than capable of doing amazing, heavy -hitting, dramatic roles.
[813] They just don't get the shot at it.
[814] Right.
[815] So that's just luck.
[816] I don't know how that, I don't know how that happened.
[817] Well, now I want to find out why they were waiting so long.
[818] Yeah, yeah.
[819] I mean, I did.
[820] There is, I know why, I know why, but you probably have to cut it out.
[821] Well, up to you.
[822] Maybe you could, you know, disguise it in some way.
[823] Was there someone else in the mix?
[824] There was a co -star who was not thrilled with the idea of me doing it.
[825] Oh, come on, go.
[826] Yes, who was not Michael Sheen.
[827] It wasn't who ended up being the guy.
[828] Yeah, but I don't, and I don't know.
[829] any of the details of that at all, I just know that there was a lot of pushback.
[830] Oh, God.
[831] Do you want me to cut that out?
[832] Well, I don't know if anybody knows, right?
[833] It doesn't matter.
[834] No, no. And I say we keep it in.
[835] And also, when I told you before the podcast that we would take stuff out.
[836] Yeah, you were lying.
[837] I was lying.
[838] Cool.
[839] Yeah.
[840] Sometimes we add stuff in.
[841] Yeah.
[842] Just be careful.
[843] He's going to be a voice that doesn't sound anything like yours.
[844] It says, it was Michael Sheen.
[845] Hey, we're blowing up on the internet.
[846] Yeah, but it's not true.
[847] It was true.
[848] It wasn't Michael Sheen.
[849] I know.
[850] But fuck it.
[851] We're blowing up.
[852] Yeah, I don't think Michael Sheen and Lizzie Kaplan gossip is going to blow up here.
[853] No, you don't understand.
[854] I mean, yeah.
[855] It's a weird, it was a weird thing and a weird story, but it ended up working out.
[856] And it ended up working out wonderfully because it was Michael Sheen.
[857] Yeah, yeah.
[858] I think that such a big part, I think, of a career.
[859] And it's something that people don't think about that much.
[860] But it's the arc of a career.
[861] I remember, I don't know why.
[862] When I was unemployed and in my early 20s, my writing partner and I got a job right away, and then it went away after like a year or two.
[863] And we didn't have work, and I was sitting in a DuPars coffee shop at like 11 .30 in the morning and trying to make my breakfast last as long as possible because I had nowhere to go.
[864] Yep.
[865] And I'm petrified because cars are just whizzing by, and all I'm thinking about is...
[866] That is a very familiar feeling.
[867] Everybody else has a place to be and I don't and did this not work and what if this doesn't work?
[868] The thing that occurred to me, I don't care what happens to me. I just want it to be interesting.
[869] And I practically said it out loud to the point where the waitress was like, what do you want?
[870] Did you want hash browns?
[871] No. I said, whatever happens to me, I want it to be interesting.
[872] You want some interesting hash brown?
[873] You're not listening to me. Wait a minute.
[874] Tell me more of these interesting hash browns.
[875] But you came on my late -night shows like five times or six times.
[876] You were on a number of times, and I always loved talking to you, but we never could have done this in that world.
[877] Never.
[878] And this is more meaningful to me. Oh, totally.
[879] It's impossible to, I mean, those, like the nightly talk shows are terrifying because you do, I mean, terrified for me. I really go through quite some gastrointestinal Olympics before.
[880] Let's talk more about that.
[881] Yeah, so what happens is...
[882] The small intestine meets...
[883] Well, you'll see.
[884] Do you want me to edit that out?
[885] No, no, no, I want to do that add -on in the demon voice.
[886] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
[887] Yeah, this is way...
[888] And in many ways, like, I am minutes away from being on a porch with a shotgun, like, get off my...
[889] Like, I am a get off my law, an old person.
[890] I'm, like, six months away from that.
[891] And I think most of the Internet stuff is horrible, and I hate it, and I keep waiting for everybody to realize it was a bad idea, and we should go back to how things were before.
[892] Yeah.
[893] But podcasts are, like, one of the only exceptions.
[894] Right.
[895] Because this is better.
[896] Like, why wouldn't you want to actually talk to a human?
[897] Yeah, and do it in a way getting to the time that my wife and I, and you and Tommy, got to hang out.
[898] together and have dinner recently with our good friend, Amy Lippman, Robin Flander.
[899] Shout out to them.
[900] The best.
[901] Because if my friend Amy Littman finds out that I had a podcast with you.
[902] I know.
[903] And you, and she, her name did not come up.
[904] Amy Lippman.
[905] Amy Lippman.
[906] I feel like we should talk about Amy Lippman.
[907] She's great.
[908] She's a genius.
[909] And she was one of the main creative forces behind Masters of Sex.
[910] Yes, that's where I met her.
[911] she wrote the episode that I'm the most proud of Masters of Sex this episode called The Fight Oh, I know this one.
[912] Yes, she's like, she's next level, Amy Lipman.
[913] Yeah, I've known her since my sophomore year of college.
[914] That's crazy.
[915] And she'll maybe get mad at me for telling this story, but I ran the lampoon when I was there, the comedy magazine, and we're in this building and we would have these crazy parties every couple of weeks.
[916] And I did not drink at all the whole time I was in college.
[917] And it was an organization pretty much of borderline alcoholics.
[918] But why didn't you?
[919] Because you were like focused on the...
[920] Yeah, it was really...
[921] Well, also, I come from a family that just my...
[922] There was an ingrained terror of alcoholism.
[923] Right.
[924] which is earned in my family, in any probably Irish Catholic family.
[925] And so the way that my people handled it, going back several generations, was no alcohol, absolutely none.
[926] So I grew up in a completely dry house, never touched anything, and it never even occurred to me in college.
[927] Like, well, no, I'm not going to do that.
[928] So, I mean, I would be in charge of this place where people are drinking massive amounts of beer, wine, anything you can imagine, spirits.
[929] And then there's a nitrous tank somewhere, and I'm supposed to be in charge.
[930] But I'm...
[931] Nitrous.
[932] Yeah, I know, it was ridiculous.
[933] Oh, those were the days.
[934] I was like, is someone going to do some welding?
[935] No, you idiot.
[936] We're going to suck on this, and so we almost die.
[937] Oh, no. But anyway, we'd have these parties.
[938] It was hilarious because right across the street in Adam's House on the first floor on a window was a friend of mine who was there who would always call.
[939] call the cops because it was too loud because she was working on her writing.
[940] And so it was Amy.
[941] No, yes, it was Amy.
[942] She would call the cops.
[943] Now, no, listen, to be fair, it wasn't the Cambridge cops.
[944] It was the Harvard police, which is, you know, and so they would just come by and they knew me. So like, ding dong and people would be like, you know, whatever soft cell would be playing upstairs, you know, tin it love and I said the bomb, bam, bam, get away and I want to, And I would go downstairs and open the door.
[945] And they'd be like, hey, Cohn, I'd be like, hey, guys, too loud.
[946] He went, yeah, we got a call.
[947] All right, well, fellas, I'm really sorry.
[948] I'll make sure we turn it down.
[949] And then I would cross the street and Amy would be there at her window.
[950] And it was so nice because it was nothing antagonistic about it at all.
[951] She'd be at her typewriter, working away, brilliant writer, even then.
[952] And I would walk up and because her window was practically at face level, I would just walk up to the window and go like, hey, Amy.
[953] and she'd be like, hey, Conan.
[954] And I'd be like, too loud, huh?
[955] And she went, yep, yep, I had to call.
[956] That's all right.
[957] Hey, what's you working on?
[958] We would just sit there and chat.
[959] Why didn't she call you?
[960] Why didn't she like just come over and say, Conan?
[961] Because she's not going to, she's working.
[962] First of all, I'm actually on her side on this one.
[963] I know, you clearly are.
[964] I am not on the nerd side at all.
[965] Yeah, give her a wedgey.
[966] No. She, uh, there's no cell phones back then.
[967] And there's no, like, calling the castle.
[968] That would be like, you know, calling the Playboy Mansion during an orgy, you know?
[969] No one's going to pick up the phone.
[970] Hey, Telly Savalas, put your pants on and go get the phone.
[971] You got it, baby.
[972] You got it, baby.
[973] Hey, Adrian Barbeau.
[974] Put on a bra and go get that phone.
[975] Not one big enough.
[976] I've tried 30 bras and they're all too small.
[977] I'm not getting that phone.
[978] So, yeah, I'm on her side with this one.
[979] But anyway, we just...
[980] That's a crazy.
[981] It's a really funny story, but it was a little bit like there's that old cartoon, that old Warner Brothers cartoon of the sheepdog and the coyote who are...
[982] Ralph and Sam.
[983] Ralph and Sam, and they're arch enemies, but then the whistle blows.
[984] They're each trying to kill each other and then there's a whistle blows and they're like, that's it for the day and they both check out and that was Amy and I in college.
[985] I mean, the other people who were having fun at the party.
[986] We were going to get shut down anyway.
[987] Someone was going to call.
[988] It just always happened.
[989] to be aiming.
[990] That is wild.
[991] Wow.
[992] This never ends with a lifelong friendship.
[993] Get away and I've got to.
[994] That was probably the volume level too.
[995] She's like, turn it down.
[996] I can almost hear it.
[997] Did a part of you want the party to end too?
[998] Sounds like that.
[999] It kind of feels like you were hoping someone would call so that you can get back to work you.
[1000] I think I called.
[1001] You know what?
[1002] There's a good chance.
[1003] There's a good chance.
[1004] It'll later come out that I called Amy.
[1005] Yeah.
[1006] Can you please me?
[1007] Can you call to Harvard Cotch?
[1008] Can you please call the Harvard cops?
[1009] If I hear soft sell one more time, Conan, I'm going to kill myself.
[1010] I'm trying to work.
[1011] It doesn't bother me. I can't hear it.
[1012] You can dance if you want to.
[1013] You can meet your friends behind.
[1014] Cause your friends can't dance and if, I swear to God.
[1015] God, that music, it's really hard to be romantic about that music now.
[1016] If there's ever the Conan O 'Brien story, and they show a scene of a...
[1017] Oh, my God.
[1018] I'll be played by Eddie Redmayne.
[1019] And it's like me 1983, the castle The Harvard Lampoon Castle in Cambridge Bum -Bum get away And I've got to I'd watch it I'd watch it too The lowest grossing movie of all time I don't know You're saying you're so short You did cast Eddie Redmayne as an 18 -year -old boy Who was your first problem I think I could do it all He could do it He could do it If anybody can do it Redmayne Yeah also usually the The person who doesn't, like, experiment at all in high school, you and this story goes crazy in college.
[1020] But you kept it.
[1021] I did not.
[1022] You kept it tight.
[1023] Some would say I waited.
[1024] We're still waiting.
[1025] We're still waiting.
[1026] Yes.
[1027] And the minute I met you, I was like, okay, I'm going to have nine Guinness in this real pub.
[1028] Ye old.
[1029] It was ye old.
[1030] Do you remember the name of the pub?
[1031] It's like the something and the something, you know.
[1032] It's always the cribble and the jabbled.
[1033] Yeah, the sleighs and a t -shirts.
[1034] I did have a best friend when I was 19 and all my friends left for college and I was in L .A. by myself and it was a horrible, horrible, dark time.
[1035] But I did this pilot that didn't get picked up and one of the writers, showrunners of the pilot, my friend Mark, he was 30 and I was 19 and we became best friends.
[1036] And all my 19 -year -old friends were like, what?
[1037] Why do you have a 30 -year -old guy friend?
[1038] And his friends were like, why are you hanging out with a young girl?
[1039] But it wasn't, there was nothing, they were just buddies.
[1040] Like, we were really close buddies.
[1041] But I made him take his first shot of alcohol, smoke his first cigarette.
[1042] Every one of his firsts, I did with him.
[1043] Oh, wow.
[1044] So it's sort of the same with you.
[1045] Oh, wow.
[1046] That is.
[1047] I like to bring out the wild man in my elderly male friends.
[1048] Not elderly, didn't mean elderly.
[1049] You're elderly.
[1050] I'm referring to a 30 -year -old is elderly.
[1051] 2025 here it comes This was this was one of my favorite talks on a long time and now I'm just in the pit of despair It's about time for your nap I didn't mean it I just fell asleep This This has been a real treat for me Lizzie seriously I adore you and I'm so happy that you could come in and talk to us.
[1052] And I just want to make sure that people also check out Fleischman because it's really good.
[1053] Thank you.
[1054] And I never say like something is really good and I think it's really good.
[1055] It will make you cry.
[1056] Lizzie, you broke our, you destroyed, what was I think a good podcast.
[1057] Sorry.
[1058] With that image.
[1059] But thank you so much for being here and I hope we get to do this again.
[1060] I hope so, too, because I don't think I actually answered a single one of your questions.
[1061] I don't think we, I think this was it.
[1062] I don't think you asked any.
[1063] I don't, yeah, it was just a conversation.
[1064] It was just a nice talk.
[1065] I don't think it's on you.
[1066] I mean, I have a whole bunch of questions here, but it's all about your finances.
[1067] Oh, yeah.
[1068] I love to talk about my finances.
[1069] Okay, because I see a real discrepancy in your income tax return from two years ago.
[1070] I know.
[1071] I do a full background betting before any guests can come in your solvent, but we're worried.
[1072] That's a whole other podcast they do want to do with certain kinds of celebrities.
[1073] We are not sure how they pay the rent.
[1074] and I want to break, I want to say like, no, no, seriously, tell me. So wait a minute, because you haven't made a movie in like seven years, but wait a minute, so how, and then they'll be telling me, no, no, no, I get this much from Cameo, and then I do this, and then I, and I'll say, yeah, but okay, but you just pulled up in this car.
[1075] I know, but it's a lease, and I'm not going to really pay it.
[1076] It's a good idea, and also they just have to go on that celebrity net worth thing that says everybody's worth like $100 million.
[1077] That's crazy.
[1078] Yeah, yeah.
[1079] No, it's anyone who's worked for more than three years in a row.
[1080] 100 million.
[1081] 100 million.
[1082] And then other people just cite it like, you know.
[1083] Yeah.
[1084] But I think that's probably the answer to your question of how these people who haven't worked, who haven't made a movie in seven years, they just say, look at celebrity net worth, I have $100 million.
[1085] Count.
[1086] Celebrity net worth is never wrong.
[1087] And what if the IRS could use that?
[1088] Oh, man. That'd be really funny.
[1089] Well, according to celebrity net worth, you owe us $25 million.
[1090] I'm sure it's used in like divorce proceedings.
[1091] Oh, yeah.
[1092] You would think.
[1093] You should be able to use it to get a lot.
[1094] For sure.
[1095] For collateral.
[1096] I'm going to do that today.
[1097] A lot of good ideas.
[1098] See?
[1099] Coming out of this.
[1100] See?
[1101] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[1102] And you thought this was going to be awful.
[1103] I thought it was going to be the worst day of my life.
[1104] Turns out.
[1105] Lizzie Kaplan, I salute you.
[1106] Go forth.
[1107] Continue to do well.
[1108] And let's grab a Guinness soon.
[1109] And when I say a Guinness, you know I mean.
[1110] Six, ginnai.
[1111] I don't like to do this.
[1112] I don't like to out somebody on the team for poor performance.
[1113] It's not my style.
[1114] I don't put down.
[1115] I build up.
[1116] No, you don't.
[1117] All you do is put down.
[1118] It's my entire time working for you has been that.
[1119] You know what?
[1120] I was thinking of the Obamas.
[1121] You thought you were the Obama?
[1122] And then I remembered, no, I'm talking about me. Your slogan is, when they go high, you go low.
[1123] Yeah.
[1124] No, my slogan is, I don't care where they go.
[1125] I go low.
[1126] And if they go very low, I go even lower.
[1127] Yeah.
[1128] I'm low all the time.
[1129] Wherever they go, I hunt them down and kill them.
[1130] Yeah.
[1131] And I attack from underneath because I'm so far below them.
[1132] I'm disappointed because we owe a lot of credit to this gentleman, Eduardo, who's done a wonderful job designing this studio.
[1133] He's our engineer.
[1134] You can hear him on the podcast sometimes, and he's always on it.
[1135] And we were just ready to start recording.
[1136] when it was revealed to me he's got several monitors and I thought he was checking sound levels checking, you know making sure that the recording is happening for all we know he's monitoring the NORAD missile defense system keeping us safe he's got three different screens if you include his cell phone which is also propped up we just took a peek he's watching soccer two games he's watching two games simultaneously Eduardo did someone just score you got really excited I didn't listen to a word Conan just said this is the guy monitoring the audio I just know it works because I heard something but yeah Mexico's playing right now this is your team this is my one of my two teams go USA go Mexico and if they score another goal they advanced to the next round which they have done since 1962 I think okay so what is the score right now it's 2 nil and who are they playing Mexico's playing against Saudi Arabia right now but their game is also contingent on Argentina and Poland, right?
[1137] Potentially, yes.
[1138] So if Argentina can beat Poland by three goals, then Mexico also gets in that way.
[1139] And that score is currently 2 -0 Argentina.
[1140] Oh, geez.
[1141] Goal in either game.
[1142] I want to watch the games.
[1143] I don't want to record.
[1144] Shout out to Blay for ratting me out while I was watching these games.
[1145] We didn't rat you out.
[1146] Blay is a part of the crew that has to keep this plane aloft.
[1147] and he saw someone behaving terribly in the cockpit.
[1148] Is this playing a loft?
[1149] No. It's a mess.
[1150] Everyone's kind of a mess.
[1151] Can I just say that during the U .S. game yesterday, which was also equally as important, we decided to push back recording of any podcast or anything like that.
[1152] But during Mexico's game, we were like, nope, we could keep going.
[1153] But wait a minute, wait a minute.
[1154] In fairness, in fairness, I want to be fair here.
[1155] had I known, Eduardo.
[1156] That's true.
[1157] Had I known that this game was happening and this was important to you, I'm not as avid a soccer fan as most people believe.
[1158] But, Eduardo, if I had known, I would have said, your job's your job, and fuck soccer.
[1159] I'm sorry.
[1160] Oh my God.
[1161] I see.
[1162] But I just didn't know, so I didn't get to...
[1163] Fair enough.
[1164] No, I feel badly.
[1165] You are allowed to keep watching the game and will you update us if anything happens?
[1166] I will update you.
[1167] There's like three minutes left, so.
[1168] Eduardo, I have to hand it to you, my hat's off to you, though you are as corrupt as FIFA in what you're doing.
[1169] But this is the only sporting event I watch in my entire life once every four years, so I'm with you.
[1170] Thank you.
[1171] Oh, you follow soccer as well.
[1172] I do.
[1173] I used to play as a kid.
[1174] Or as we like to call it, football.
[1175] We do.
[1176] Is that right?
[1177] That is correct.
[1178] Yes.
[1179] Would you have been able to tell if Eduardo, like, if you didn't know that he had the game, you wouldn't have been able to tell.
[1180] No, I could tell because Eduardo regularly, when he's not paying attention to soccer, he has a couple of dials he uses that gives me more of a manly voice.
[1181] And they're the testosterone knobs.
[1182] And he, so I actually sound like someone who could still have children.
[1183] Instead of, you know, I've pretty much turned into Georgia O 'Keefe now.
[1184] Very old.
[1185] How cool is it?
[1186] Wow, yeah.
[1187] But anyway...
[1188] Was that it?
[1189] That was it.
[1190] That was the voice.
[1191] That was the fact I forgot to put on.
[1192] The more manly one?
[1193] That's not more manly.
[1194] That's me just as effeminate but trapped in a well.
[1195] Oh, I hear it.
[1196] Yeah.
[1197] Help me. Help me. Can someone please lower down the soccer scores?
[1198] I don't get reception down here.
[1199] Please, Edward Hall.
[1200] Well, I do think that you are within your rights.
[1201] Listen, we don't have, I believe people should stand up for themselves.
[1202] If you had come to me, Eduardo, seriously, and said, I really want to watch this game, we would have made an adjustment.
[1203] What else do I have to do?
[1204] I don't have young kids like Sona and Matt.
[1205] It doesn't matter.
[1206] Saudi Arabia scored.
[1207] Mexico scoured.
[1208] It's over.
[1209] Wait, no, did it just happen?
[1210] It just happened right now.
[1211] Why are you laughing?
[1212] Because if you can't laugh at your misery, I don't know what else to do.
[1213] He is tearing up.
[1214] I'm sorry.
[1215] Wait.
[1216] This sucks.
[1217] What was the final score?
[1218] It's about to be 2 -1.
[1219] There's a minute left.
[1220] But either way, Mexico now has to score two goals.
[1221] Oh, shit.
[1222] And that's not going to happen.
[1223] So game over.
[1224] Sorry, pal.
[1225] I'm sorry about that.
[1226] Back to our continued pot.
[1227] You know what?
[1228] Oh, man, I don't want to do this.
[1229] Well, no. As miserable as you are right now, just think of if I had forbidden you to watch it, you'd have a few more moments of happiness.
[1230] But now, in real time, we hear your misery.
[1231] I believe that was karma.
[1232] If I wouldn't have been watching, I would have never had the heartbreak.
[1233] You did this.
[1234] You know what?
[1235] I have to say, I do this too.
[1236] If I'm watching, if my football team is down and they've just been playing terribly, I will leave the room and I say, I'm going to give them time to sort this out away from me. I'm serious.
[1237] And I'll go and take a walk or something and then come back.
[1238] And often the fortunes have been reversed in my absence.
[1239] I'm just have a quick question.
[1240] I want to travel back.
[1241] something here.
[1242] You were going to give Eduardo off if he simply would have asked for it.
[1243] So if Sona and I have something that deeply matters to us, describe deeply matters, be honest.
[1244] It was a new Star Wars TV show.
[1245] Oh, I'm thinking of this kid related.
[1246] There's always a new Star Wars TV show.
[1247] Great, so this applies?
[1248] We can just...
[1249] No. I mean, listen, within reason, I don't like to think of myself as the boss.
[1250] I'm uncomfortable in that position.
[1251] I like to think of myself as the absolute dictator.
[1252] And so, yeah, I don't know.
[1253] Of course.
[1254] Of course, I want you guys to be happy.
[1255] You're integral to the whole process.
[1256] So on the air, I'm going to say yes.
[1257] If you ever need to move the schedule, please move it.
[1258] Now, it's on record.
[1259] It's on record.
[1260] No, but you don't know the tones of his voice.
[1261] Well, I'm just going to edit whatever comes after this out.
[1262] No, but that tone and the way he said that.
[1263] But I'm very good at pretending.
[1264] I have other people.
[1265] people do my dirty work for me. So I'll have Adam Sacks drop the hammer, Jeff Ross, and then I'll, oh, I had no idea.
[1266] Oh, boy.
[1267] I had no idea.
[1268] Yeah, yeah.
[1269] Oh, I thought, I was fine with you doing whatever you wanted to see, was it Star Trek next.
[1270] No, Star Wars.
[1271] Okay.
[1272] Isn't there a Star Wars where they visit Star Trek?
[1273] No. There should be.
[1274] What are you doing?
[1275] I'm just saying.
[1276] Luke Skywalker's there and then Spock is like Live Long and Prosper.
[1277] Oh, God.
[1278] That makes everybody happy.
[1279] That's a money -making machine.
[1280] Everyone upset.
[1281] Okay.
[1282] All right.
[1283] Listen, now I know your plan, and I know if Adam comes and puts the hammer down, that I'll know it's you.
[1284] Yeah, but do you?
[1285] Yes.
[1286] I'm pretty good at sometimes pretend to be a good guy.
[1287] It's all pretend.
[1288] It's all pretend.
[1289] Well, listen, Eduardo, I do.
[1290] I'm sorry for your loss.
[1291] I know that's disappointing.
[1292] But all you have to do is wait four years.
[1293] and maybe you'll have a little bit of good news.
[1294] Still have USA.
[1295] It's only three and a half here because we'll be back in summer next time.
[1296] Do people get angry if the Mexico team goes back home and they've been kicked out already?
[1297] People throw like eggs at them.
[1298] No, weirdly, it's expected that we'll lose in the next round.
[1299] Oh.
[1300] Yeah.
[1301] But to lose in this round is a disappointment.
[1302] Sorry, but, yeah.
[1303] Also, I think having eggs thrown at you is not the worst outcome.
[1304] for some of these teams returning to their countries after they've lost.
[1305] Having an egg thrown at them would be quite a delight for some of these countries.
[1306] That got serious really fast.
[1307] You brought it down a lot, Conan.
[1308] I don't know why you did that.
[1309] Eggs was like a fun, light -hearted thing and then you just got really serious.
[1310] I don't know.
[1311] I don't like it anymore.
[1312] I don't think anyone in Iran right now is saying, well, we lost to the United States and we're on the flight home.
[1313] I hope no one throws an egg at me. Well, I'm sorry.
[1314] This got really dark.
[1315] I'm very uncomfortable.
[1316] I don't even want to, like, giggle at the things that you're saying.
[1317] You shouldn't.
[1318] The fact that you even thought about giggling makes you a sociopath.
[1319] Well, you said it.
[1320] You said it, though.
[1321] You were the one who brought it up.
[1322] I was very serious.
[1323] And then you decided to make light of it.
[1324] I don't.
[1325] I value human life.
[1326] You disgust me, Sona.
[1327] I'm just going to drink my water.
[1328] Every time I get uncomfortable, I'm just going to take a sip.
[1329] Okay.
[1330] That's a lot of water.
[1331] Peace out, Tupac.
[1332] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.
[1333] With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam O 'Sessian, and Matt Goorley.
[1334] Produced by me, Matt Goreley.
[1335] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solitaroff, and Jeff Ross at Team Koko, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf.
[1336] Theme song by The White Stripes.
[1337] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.
[1338] Take it away, Jimmy.
[1339] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.
[1340] Engineering by Eduardo Perez.
[1341] Additional production support by Mars Melnik.
[1342] booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn.
[1343] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode.
[1344] Got a question for Conan?
[1345] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.
[1346] It too could be featured on a future episode.
[1347] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.
[1348] This has been a Team Coco in association with Earwolf.