Get Rid of Your Child's Shame This Week

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[22] Do you have a child who lies, who won't look you in the eyes, who lashes out when he gets in trouble, who gives up when things get tough, or maybe.

[23] feels teamed up on.

[24] Well, if you do, you're in the right place because I'm going to show you why they do that and how we can change it on today's episode of the Calm Parenting podcast.

[25] So welcome.

[26] This is Kirk Martin, founder, Celebrate Calm.

[27] You can find us at Celebrate Calm .com.

[28] We hope that you will share this podcast with other struggling parents.

[29] And if you need help, reach out to our strong -willed son who exhibited all five of those behaviors when he was young.

[30] His name's Casey.

[31] You can find him at Casey C -A -S -E -Y at CelebrateColm .com.

[32] You know the drill.

[33] If you're struggling, tell us about your family, ages of the kids, what they're struggling with.

[34] We're going to be some ideas and some tips and some strategies.

[35] If you need any of our resources, we'll recommend the right ones within your budget.

[36] Right now, it's really within your budget.

[37] We have a big spring sale going on, so you can find that at CelebrateColm .com.

[38] Look up the Calm Parenting Package, or if you want to make it easy, just get everything and we'll give you literally 30 to 35 hours worth of practical strategies for pretty much the price of one visit to a therapist office.

[39] So you have kids who often are in trouble a lot, probably since they came out of the womb, right?

[40] And kids who are in trouble a lot often feel ashamed.

[41] And so I want to show you how to get rid of your child's shame because many of your kids have impulse control issues.

[42] They've got lots of energy and they all and make bad decisions in the moment.

[43] And they keep doing the same things over and over again, even though it brings them harsh consequences, right?

[44] Which never work for these kids.

[45] So then your kids beat themselves up continually inside with a lot of negative self -talk.

[46] I don't know if you've ever heard your kids say, like, I'm such an idiot.

[47] I'm dumb.

[48] I'm stupid.

[49] My brother doesn't do this.

[50] Right now my dad's going to be mad at me. I'm going to lose all my video games.

[51] My siblings never get in trouble, why is everybody teaming up on me?

[52] You've heard that before.

[53] So how do we change that internal dialogue?

[54] So today I thought it would be helpful to share five insights from our programs to help you repair your relationship with your child and also really repair your child's relationship with himself or herself.

[55] So number one, shame is why your kids lie.

[56] Look, most of the time for your kids, it's not an integrity issue.

[57] So please stop lecturing about the need to have integrity and we need to tell the truth.

[58] Look, most of you don't tell the truth.

[59] You don't because you're not honest with your spouse about all the things that your spouse is doing that irritate you.

[60] You don't do you because it's really hard, right?

[61] And so, but here's what's happening with your kids.

[62] They lie because they're always suffering from consequences and they don't want to again, right?

[63] They were impulsive, they did something wrong.

[64] Now they're going to be in trouble.

[65] So what's the natural instinct?

[66] To lie to get out of it.

[67] So look, the lying isn't the issue.

[68] It's just covering up the shame from the impulsive behavior.

[69] So that's why just giving consequences piles on more shame and the cycle never ends.

[70] That's why we have to get to the root of the issue and create successes for our kids and show them how to be successful so that they just don't keep repeating the same thing over and over again.

[71] Number two, shame is why your kids, for the most part, do not look you in the eyes.

[72] And that's why I want you to not look kids in the eyes when instructing them or talking about misbehavior, right?

[73] Because dads are always like, well, that's just a sign of disrespect.

[74] No, it's not.

[75] It's shame.

[76] Because the only time we ask kids look in the eyes, look me, look me, look me when I'm talking to you, right?

[77] We never say, hey, look me in the eyes, because I'm really proud of you and you just made a good choice, right?

[78] We don't do that.

[79] It's always something negative.

[80] So what they associate eye contact with is their own shame, right?

[81] That's why I encourage you not to look your kids in the eyes when addressing their behavior.

[82] Do it while you're going for a walk while you're building with Legos, while you're playing catch.

[83] Number three, your kids often, lash out of you when they're in trouble because of their own shame.

[84] And what I realized when Casey was little and he would get so upset at me and I was like, why are you yelling at me and blaming this on me?

[85] Well, because he's an insecure little kid, what's he supposed to do?

[86] And when I realized, oh, you're not mad at me. You're mad at yourself.

[87] Then, see, that's why I don't want to take these things personally.

[88] Please parents, we're the grownups.

[89] We're the adults.

[90] I know, but my child's being disrespectful and he's yelling hurtful things.

[91] He's a kid.

[92] You're a grown up, right?

[93] Let's start acting like it.

[94] Right?

[95] Like, don't get so.

[96] Well, I can't believe that my teenager would talk to me like, why?

[97] Why can you not believe that?

[98] In the history of teenagers, isn't that what they tend to do?

[99] Right?

[100] Stop being so shocked about everything.

[101] I can't believe after all I do.

[102] stop doing everything for them.

[103] That's your issue.

[104] Remember, we've talked about that.

[105] Part of the reason you do everything for your kids is because it's manipulation.

[106] Because I've done so much for you, you owe me to behave.

[107] See how that works.

[108] There's no blaming guilt in there, just don't up to it and stop doing that, right?

[109] So look, they're not mad at you.

[110] They're mad at themselves.

[111] And see, if we weren't so busy protecting ourselves and being all upset and offended by our kids, we could be calm enough, right, to look outward and see that the root of it is shame inside of them.

[112] And instead of, watch how insidious this is.

[113] We take it personally.

[114] I can't believe that you would talk to me like that.

[115] What kind of child does that?

[116] What's going to happen when you grow up?

[117] They already had enough shame.

[118] And now we jumped even more on them rather than being able to look out and say, oh, something's going on inside of my child, and I want to help them with that, right?

[119] So in the moment, don't take it personally.

[120] Just know that it's shame.

[121] Think of the times when you've been ashamed.

[122] Did you want to, like, run out and just tell everybody about it and have everybody like look in your eyes during your time of shame?

[123] No, right?

[124] Because you're ashamed.

[125] Your child, when you can help them overcome their shame, a lot of these things, things will start to go away.

[126] Number four, your kids often give up when things get tough.

[127] Why?

[128] Well, one, it's human nature.

[129] Almost nobody like, oh, I just relish.

[130] When things get really hard and I have to dig in, I just relish the challenge.

[131] Right?

[132] Not many people really think that way.

[133] We all put off things that are difficult.

[134] Do we not?

[135] Do we not put off that doctor's appointment we don't want to go to?

[136] We put off sometimes exercise.

[137] We put off that difficult discussion that we've needed to have for years with our spouse.

[138] Why?

[139] Because it's hard.

[140] And human nature says we usually take the easy way out.

[141] But your kids on top of that give up when things get tough because they feel incapable of getting over that hump.

[142] And that's why separate podcasts, but this is why we talk about giving kids tools and jump starting your child's brain.

[143] right so that child who's struggling and doesn't want to do that that project that writing assignment because it's multiple steps and your kids often are not great sequential learners right and so doing multiple steps kind of overwhelms them so they just shut down and put it off right and now they have trouble getting thoughts from the head to paper so we have to give them tools so they learn how to sorry but vomit the thoughts out of their head on the paper and have it be messy at first that's a tool that we give them.

[144] And then also we jumpstart the brain by getting some exercise, by doing some sensory physical things first, by using music.

[145] And we start to give them all these tools and help them jumpstart their brains so that they feel capable.

[146] And instead of saying things like, you know, this assignment isn't that hard.

[147] See, as soon as you say that and your child feels like, well, it is hard, well, that must mean I'm stupid.

[148] Because if it's not hard, but it's hard for me, that must mean that I'm done.

[149] Well, I'm going to shut down for that too, right?

[150] So when we start to jumpstart the brain and teach them how to do it, it changes everything.

[151] And so instead of saying like, oh, it's not that hard or why are you putting it off, if you would just focus, you'd be done in 45 minutes instead of it taking three hours.

[152] Instead, I say, of course it's hard.

[153] That's a great language.

[154] You're normalizing.

[155] Of course it's difficult.

[156] Of course you don't want to do the hard work.

[157] but if I give you some tools and we do it a little differently, I believe that you're capable of doing this really well.

[158] You're going to struggle at first, but you're going to get it done.

[159] Man, it's going to feel good when you get that done.

[160] See, that's a whole different feel than the normal way we do it.

[161] Number five, your kids feel teamed up on.

[162] Now, I know what you're thinking.

[163] Of course they're to feel teamed up on.

[164] We wouldn't have to team up on this child if he just listened to us the first time and I get that but it's really helpful to understand your child's state of mind even acknowledging to your child this is very powerful does it ever feel like everybody's against you you know that can be fair be really settling to a child especially an older child who feels that now you're legitimizing that because for most of your kids it does feel like society teachers parents everybody's against me because I feel different.

[165] My assumption is this.

[166] You've got a child who's been in trouble and struggled probably since birth, always falling short, always difficult, more emotional and sensitive than the siblings.

[167] Just kind of difficult.

[168] And your child's likely internalized that parents and teachers don't like him or her.

[169] So school is a struggle.

[170] Social skills are a struggle.

[171] He's familiar with failure and consequences and he's likely begun to internalize I'm a bad kid.

[172] See, that's shame.

[173] And for many of you, beyond discipline, beyond motivation, all these other things we want from our kids, this is the most important immediate step.

[174] So I challenge you, spend the next week, maybe the next two weeks, actively creating successes by giving your kids tools to succeed rather than just threatening consequences, show them how to make good choices.

[175] You've heard me talk about giving kids specific jobs in class, refill my water bottle, hold up a talk ticket instead of blurting out.

[176] So you can go to teachers and say, look, I know my child struggles with X, Y, and Z in class.

[177] Consequences, that red on the behavior chart thing, that's clearly not working.

[178] So could you give my child specific tools for him to use for the next two weeks and some specific jobs?

[179] And then notice every time my child makes a good choice or makes progress?

[180] see that will begin to change behavior and that creates a confident mindset and that will replace the shame because when your child struggles right what happens we tend to focus on the 12 times he did something wrong but we miss out on the seven times that he did it well right so instead of just focusing on the negative all the time focus on the times your kids make a good choice and do well relentlessly affirm your child for the next week or two.

[181] Let's see what happens.

[182] And then we're going to do it for the rest of his life.

[183] But it's helpful.

[184] So many parents have told me, and this is not a warning, but it kind of is.

[185] So many parents of older kids have told me their kids come to them as teenagers and say, Mom, Dad, why did you always notice what I didn't do or what I did wrong?

[186] But you never really noticed when I did something.

[187] well.

[188] And that will break your heart if you hear that.

[189] I don't want you to hear that.

[190] So let's change that now and not make the same mistake.

[191] And if we need to, apologize to your child.

[192] Hey, does it ever feel like we're teaming up on you?

[193] Does it ever feel like no matter what I ask you, I'm never really happy with that?

[194] Does it ever feel like I only notice when you're not doing things well?

[195] And your child, that will really stick inside of them and that will resonate with then.

[196] And then you can say, you know what, I apologize for that.

[197] Because there's so many good things about you.

[198] And from now on, I'm going to start noticing what you do well, because I'm really proud of you.

[199] So, moms, dads, teachers, let's do this.

[200] For the next week, this is our goal.

[201] You need help with it.

[202] Reach out.

[203] Casey, C -A -S -E -Y, celebrate calm .com.

[204] We will help you.

[205] It's what we live to do.

[206] We exist to do this.

[207] It's not a business.

[208] It's not a company.

[209] This is our family's passion, and we take it seriously, and we're very conscientious about helping everybody who reaches out to us.

[210] So we do have a big sale going on.

[211] Just look at it, celebrate calm .com.

[212] It's big spring sale.

[213] And if we can help you in any way, please let us know.

[214] But let's get rid of that shame this week, and let's get rid of your shame as well.

[215] You're good moms and dads.