MFM Minisode 101

[0] This is exactly right.

[1] Hey, this is exciting.

[2] An all -new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th.

[3] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster, detectives.

[4] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.

[5] Who killed Saz?

[6] And were they really after Charles?

[7] Why would someone want to kill Charles?

[8] This season, murder hits close to home.

[9] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.

[10] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.

[11] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.

[12] Who knows what will happen once the cameras start to roll?

[13] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfinacus, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, DeVine, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.

[14] Only murders in the building, premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.

[15] Goodbye.

[16] Hello.

[17] Welcome.

[18] to my favorite murder the minisode.

[19] Episode 101.

[20] I'm drowning.

[21] Someone help me. Karen, grab my arm.

[22] It's a quiet drowning on this side of the table.

[23] Oh, I sucked.

[24] George and I were having a regular conversation, just an exchange of, do you think this?

[25] And the way Georgia said no to me made me suck water up the back of my nose like a reverse netty pot.

[26] Right up in there Well, I'm glad that I'm funny Isn't it a great feeling It fucking feels great to make people laugh To make choke, people choke That's the best Spinning, choking Anytime people say I was listening to an episode Now my computer's ruined That's my favorite Okay, because they spit all over their computer Yes, yeah Got it.

[27] The ultimate Because they threw their computer on the ground because you're so funny.

[28] I decided to snap my MacBook in half because you're so funny.

[29] This is where we're reading your stuff.

[30] Emails of all kinds.

[31] We've gone now into, after the last one, I've read a ton of Safeway stories.

[32] Oh, have you?

[33] Yeah, now we're just doing general grocery store anecdotes.

[34] I mean, what is this about?

[35] What are we?

[36] What is this?

[37] Well, let's get back to basics.

[38] Great.

[39] Stuff found in walls.

[40] Yes.

[41] An entire city.

[42] Hi, all.

[43] I was watching old episodes of Good Mythical Morning on YouTube recently.

[44] Shameless plug.

[45] Clearly it's your show.

[46] And found a story I think you like.

[47] In 1963, a guy in Turkey found a mysterious room behind a wall in his home.

[48] As he dug further, he found out there was access to an entire underground city from his house.

[49] I've seen this one on the now politically incorrect ancient aliens, which I did.

[50] didn't realize until we got emails from it, that they, uh, is very problematic show.

[51] Aside from the fact that they do not believe Egyptians could have built anything, which is in and of itself very racist.

[52] They book people that are of very questionable, uh, Holocaust didn't happen people.

[53] Exactly right.

[54] Yes.

[55] So, um, so can't be recommending ancient aliens anymore except for the fact that that and I guess good mythical morning are the only places I've ever heard of this Turkish city underground.

[56] Shit.

[57] Okay.

[58] The city is called Darren Kuyu.

[59] It's super old, built around the 7th century BC.

[60] So old.

[61] Before the Lord.

[62] It has multiple floors, stables, chapels, and could hold 20 ,000 people.

[63] The people who built the city also built access points and ventilation shafts all over the city.

[64] But after the tunnels were abandoned, I guess most of the access points were closed off.

[65] Lucky for this guy, there happened to be an access point in his house.

[66] Oh, fucking yeah.

[67] I'd be like, you can't come, motherfucker.

[68] I'd be like, it's the ultimate man cave.

[69] Dubai.

[70] A whole city.

[71] Get my cable TV way down there.

[72] That's right.

[73] My recliner in here.

[74] What football is the best when it's in a small chapel, one mile underground, away from your wife.

[75] Clearly, this isn't something I've found in a wall, but it just seemed like something you guys would be excited about.

[76] You're right.

[77] Exactly right.

[78] Now it's open to visitors, so maybe if you ever go to Turkey, you can visit.

[79] Yeah.

[80] I'm going there.

[81] Absolutely.

[82] SSDGM Natasha.

[83] Thanks Natasha.

[84] Really, really well curated story, Natasha, because that's, Darren Kuyu is right at my alley.

[85] Facts.

[86] This is a fact podcast now.

[87] It's a fact -based.

[88] This is a real place you can go to.

[89] You can get a tour.

[90] Unlike the deep salt mines in Malta where they say giants are mining salt.

[91] That's either not.

[92] If you go down deep enough.

[93] Yeah, are these lizard people of core, earth core people?

[94] They could be lizard people.

[95] It could be flat earthers.

[96] Okay.

[97] They could be journeyed to the center of the earthers where they're just dedicated to the Disney movie from the 60s.

[98] I mean, that's last podcast on the left territory.

[99] Yeah, we'll pass this one over to Marcus and the boys.

[100] That's right.

[101] Okay.

[102] This one's called the Headless Mennonites.

[103] Okay.

[104] My dear badass MFM family.

[105] And then she says, Vee -Bished.

[106] And that then says Pennsylvania Dutch for, what's cracking?

[107] Wow.

[108] Be biched.

[109] My husband and I, who was also a big fan, grew up in conservative Mennonite families and closely associated with the Amish culture.

[110] Ooh.

[111] That's like, I think that's a kind of an exciting fan poll.

[112] Yeah.

[113] Yeah.

[114] We got the Mennonites.

[115] We got a Mennonite on our side, too.

[116] Oh, but these are, listen, but thankfully we came to a point in our early 20s where we realized we were in a cult and went home.

[117] Anyha, I don't know if that's on purpose, but it says any H -A -W.

[118] Anyha, we still live in work in Holmes County, Ohio, shoulder to shoulder with a lot of Amish slash Mennonites.

[119] My husband is manager of the company his father owns and was interviewing a potential employee.

[120] My husband was asking this future employee about where he was from, and he said, Mount Eaton, Ohio.

[121] My brother, and then goes on to say, my brother murdered our parents a few years ago, but I wasn't involved.

[122] That's right.

[123] Wash your hands and walk away, girl.

[124] He knows you're going to Google him.

[125] He was just like, just going to get this out of the way.

[126] When you Google me, clear it.

[127] I just want to let you know, I wasn't home that day.

[128] That's right.

[129] Just put the word out there and then just let it go.

[130] That's right.

[131] My husband, obviously, son, finished the interview and immediately told me about this bizarre interview.

[132] We, of course, did some Googling, and we're stunned to find out that this guy's Mennonite parents had been found dead at their farm, shot in the head.

[133] He had also decapitated his father.

[134] The cops found him in West Virginia with a gun and a chainsaw in his car.

[135] He has been on trail three times and has been found.

[136] incompetent to stand trial due to his mental illnesses, even though the two psychologists have said his behaviors do not indicate he suffers from delusions he claims to have.

[137] Oh, he's lying.

[138] Yeah, so he sits in a mental hospital until he is, quote, competent to stand trial.

[139] This is just a small snack of the odd and strange happenings in Amish country that are often covered up by the dark and secret of culture.

[140] Hello, beard cutters and rapists.

[141] Whoa.

[142] Wow.

[143] Anytime you're a, and then it says, It's a beard cutter on par with a racist.

[144] Apparently, that's the thing.

[145] Or maybe, like, they cut your beard off when you've done something wrong.

[146] Is it sitting here in jail?

[147] Whoa.

[148] You're going to have to look that up.

[149] Then here's an invitation.

[150] Anytime you're rolling, like, now we want to come check it out.

[151] Anytime you're rolling through Ohio, we would be honored to introduce you to delicious cheeses, Amish mashed potatoes, and all the weird and creepy Amish gossip.

[152] Wow.

[153] Stay sexy and keep your electricity, Carrie.

[154] I want to hear that gossip.

[155] more than anything.

[156] Oh, I bet it's the creepiest.

[157] First, you have to say a prayer.

[158] Yeah.

[159] It's straight out of Ezekiel.

[160] Right.

[161] And then, I mean, I shave my beard almost daily, so I feel like I'm ready to get out.

[162] I will cut my beard for this one special occasion.

[163] Yeah.

[164] What was it?

[165] Sorry, did you have the what's cracking and in Amish?

[166] Vibisht.

[167] De Vibisht.

[168] In reverse.

[169] Yeah.

[170] Okay.

[171] The subject line of this one is my mom was held at gunpoint.

[172] Hi, my favorite squad.

[173] Oh, that's charming.

[174] I've been binging your episodes per usual, and one of your I survived episodes reminded me of my mom and grandma being badasses.

[175] When my mom was seven or eight, she answered the door to a man asking for her dad.

[176] She invited him in, said one minute, and went to get my grandma.

[177] They lived in a small town.

[178] My mom wasn't primed to fear people coming to the door, so this wasn't out of the ordinary for her.

[179] When she returned with my grandma, the guy had pulled a huge gun and told my grandma to give him all your money, jewelry and possessions of value in the house.

[180] He made them take him around the house To get jewelry from each room My mom and grandma went into survival mode My mom making eye contact with my grandma And then just wiggled a ring finger So my grandma turned her engagement And wedding ring around to hide the stone And then in parentheses it says My favorite part of the story That's right because an eight year old thought to do that Yeah genius At the same time I'm like Give him the fucking wedding ring Yeah right I mean if he asked for it but don't flash it around Don't be like hey you want this too Yeah, it's like a huge Chajon Gabor Rock.

[181] Grandma, turn it in.

[182] He'll know we're rich.

[183] He then tells my grandma to drive him somewhere about 20 minutes away, giving turn -by -turn directions.

[184] Apparently, he was smoking a joint in the back and high as a kite, so when they arrived at whatever creepy -ass building, he told my grandma to give him her keys.

[185] He didn't notice her slip the car key off the ring.

[186] Oh, my God.

[187] It's so genius.

[188] He put the key ring on a fire hydrant across the street, said wait five minutes and then they would get the then they could get the keys back the second he went across the street and turned around the corner my grandma and mom booked it out of there and this is my family story of i survive my mom didn't tell me the story until i was in middle school as school shootings were becoming more and more common i'm 21 now in junior college and her point was there are bad things that happen in the world but that doesn't mean you need to be scared of the world and hide take the world by storm like the strong woman that you are um prepared and safe stay sexy and don't forget you're smarter than the bad guys cecy oh my god but i wouldn't know the rest of the story did they catch the guy they didn't right they probably didn't or they would i bet that she would be in there but i love the idea that just it's like take advantage of that scenario and just like try to get like how did she do that the advanced thinking of get the car key off the ring give them all the keys he wants yeah that's good the ring thing and the key are good thinking like stuff that you don't I feel like I'd be too scared to try in that moment you know but if you're high if you're fucking stone to the bone in the back seat yeah that's right remember stone people think everything's funny you turn on a song if a little ELO on the radio would have distracted that guy for seven minutes oh they're so easy to trick and confuse stay stay present stay focused that's right maybe she got a little fucking contact eye and was like oh I'm not taking this ring this fucking key off okay this is called my mother's ex boyfriend, the cocaine cowboy.

[189] Whoa.

[190] And then it says, hi.

[191] You know when you date someone to break up and run into them years later, only to be like, yikes, I really dodged a bullet there?

[192] That happened to my mom, except she saw him in a newspaper and he was dead.

[193] Oh, no. A few months ago, she told me about an ex of hers.

[194] Andrew Carter Thornton, the second, definitely bound to end up as some kind of criminal with that name.

[195] They were introduced by a mutual friend and started dating.

[196] He was dashing, charming, well -educated, successful, worked for the DEA, and took her to great restaurants.

[197] That's all I fucking need.

[198] That's my only one.

[199] Say no more.

[200] Ask no questions.

[201] Things were going well, but then the restaurants became seedier and seedier.

[202] He started flaking a lot, and his stories never really seemed to check out.

[203] When she asked what the deal was with that shit, he said he was undercover for the DEA and couldn't be seen out or would blow his cover.

[204] That's a great story.

[205] She didn't buy it and said, Bye girl to his shady ass.

[206] A few years later in 1985, she saw a headline in the newspaper and then, parentheses, it says, above the fold, quote, she likes to say, meaning it's like front page report.

[207] That's big news.

[208] That read, quote, cocaine and a dead bear.

[209] Her boy, Andrew, had jumped from his drug smuggling plane.

[210] His first parachute and had an open for a mysterious and perhaps deperious reason will never really know.

[211] His second clearly hadn't done the job, and he was found dead in a Knoxville, Tennessee driveway.

[212] His crash landing earned him the title of cocaine cowboy.

[213] Wow.

[214] According to the articles I read and lifted from, he was found wearing a bulletproof vests and Gucci loafers, carrying a browning 9mm automatic pistol, a 22 caliber derringer, ammunition, night vision goggles, books with names and codes, thousands of dollars in cash, and six cougarans, and then all caps, Treasurer.

[215] Trazier.

[216] But only six?

[217] Yeah.

[218] I mean, that's why you fell from the fucking ground.

[219] Those things are heavy, right?

[220] He sewed them into the lining of his jacket.

[221] Trazier.

[222] He also had food rations and vitamins and a compass, an altimeter, identification papers, and two different names, a membership card to the Miami Jockey Club.

[223] What the fuck?

[224] And the key to the airplane.

[225] Miami Jockey Club, like, horse jockeys?

[226] I guess.

[227] What the fuck?

[228] I don't know.

[229] Where was, why do you need a compass at the jockey club?

[230] Like, are you going to the forest?

[231] Are you going to Germany?

[232] Is that what an altimeter is?

[233] I thought, I think it's altimeter.

[234] I also said a compass.

[235] Is that why you thought that?

[236] But I think altimeters are in planes.

[237] I don't, that's my guess.

[238] I don't know.

[239] Well, I don't, never, I don't know.

[240] Well, I never.

[241] And then it's told anything of relevant information.

[242] And then it says, oh, also 77 pounds of cocaine.

[243] Oh, shit.

[244] Worth literally millions of dollars.

[245] You know the basics.

[246] Yeah.

[247] A few months later, the Georgia Bureau investigation reported that a dead 175 pound bear was found among 40 open containers of cocaine matching the packaging used by Thornton.

[248] Oh, no. The bear odied.

[249] That poor, this is that poor bear at OD on the cocaine and had presumably been thrown from the plane mid -flight because it was carrying too much weight.

[250] Wait, no. Let me read that again.

[251] The bear was in there.

[252] That poor bear had ODED on the cocaine that had presumably been thrown from the plane mid -flight because it was carrying too much weight.

[253] He's going down his checklist.

[254] He's like, Cougarance, check, altimeter, check, a bear, check.

[255] Get the bear on his plane.

[256] A bear on cocaine.

[257] That poor bear.

[258] Oh, that poor bear.

[259] Turns out, Andrew was a former narcotics officer and suspended lawyer who had not been undercover for the DEA, as he said, that he had worked for them at one point.

[260] but instead had been on the run from them while he was dating my mom.

[261] Wow.

[262] He'd been working for a huge weapons and drug smuggling operation.

[263] And according to one article, he became one of the highest ranking members.

[264] This whole story is allegedly part of a larger conspiracy regarding drug trafficking slash the CIA slash a major weapons theft.

[265] But that could be a mini so did in itself.

[266] So I'll just leave the story at that.

[267] Stay sexy and don't leave your drugs where bears can get them.

[268] Sam.

[269] Shit, Sam.

[270] That was great.

[271] That was legendary as like a touch of DBG.

[272] Cooper totally there's a touch of that story that you did about the tracks yeah oh my god oh my god and then of course bears and then bears bear odies sorry for the animal nature people out there that we had to include that no all bears were harmed in the making of this minisode but at the same time they harm themselves that's right and addiction is a disease say no to coat that poor bear thought it was like powdered sugar he's like um delicious cereal i see him like diving doing a dive.

[273] A perfect dive.

[274] And then he's walking around smoking and talking about your bed.

[275] Oh, no. Restaurant.

[276] We're called bear essentials.

[277] It's all honey.

[278] Oh, my God.

[279] We've got to get some bees in on this.

[280] Sticks his head and a beehive.

[281] Karen, you know I'm all about vintage shopping.

[282] Absolutely.

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[302] Goodbye.

[303] Hey, this is exciting.

[304] An all new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th.

[305] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster, detectives.

[306] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.

[307] Who killed Saz?

[308] And were they really after Charles?

[309] Why would someone want to kill Charles?

[310] This season, murder hits close to home.

[311] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.

[312] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.

[313] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.

[314] Who knows what will happen once the cameras start to roll?

[315] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfinacus, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, Devine, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.

[316] Only Martyrs in the Building, premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.

[317] Goodbye.

[318] Okay.

[319] The subject line is, can my house get haunted by this?

[320] Hey, guys, just wanted to share this odd story that happened recently.

[321] Yay, please always, always show your odd stories.

[322] I was in front of my house raking leaves as one does when living in a northeastern in Northeastern Ohio, with my three -year -old steadily on my heels.

[323] I was keeping a very close eye on him when I saw him squeal with delight as he picked something up off the ground.

[324] I ran over and saw that he had found an old rusty heart -shaped necklace.

[325] I told him it looked pretty old, and he exclaimed that it was so cool and put it around his neck.

[326] Oh my God, no!

[327] I felt it was totally harmless and finished my raking before we headed back inside.

[328] He continued to play with a necklace all afternoon, putting it on various stuffed animals, our dog even let me try it on a few times oh god soon if soon it was bath time and a battle ensued of me trying to take this necklace off him i finally caved and just let him keep it on for bath time because sometimes you can only fight with a three -year -old so many times in a day so true we did our usual nighttime routine and after he fell asleep i took the necklace off and took it downstairs as i was walking with it i noticed it wasn't just a heart -shaked necklace but, in fact, it'll lock it.

[329] I was in the kitchen when I got the bright idea to try to open it.

[330] It was sealed shut pretty good.

[331] What if his photo is inside of it?

[332] The kid's photo.

[333] And that's why he loves it so much.

[334] But it's him in a coffin.

[335] Okay.

[336] That's not it.

[337] No. I was in the kitchen when I got the bright idea to try to open it.

[338] It was sealed shut pretty good.

[339] So I resorted to a butter knife to pry it open.

[340] I eagerly wanted to see what sort of pictures it held inside.

[341] Only to my utter horror, as I cracked open the locket, gray dust flew everywhere.

[342] It was fucking ashes inside this motherfucking locket.

[343] I literally screamed.

[344] My son was playing with this.

[345] Oh, and he just got a fucking bath with it all day.

[346] Oh, my God.

[347] I'd like to say that I tried finding the owner to the necklace, but couldn't figure out how to tell them that I opened the locket and 80 % of them went down my kitchen drain.

[348] So I just tied in a bag and carry.

[349] placed it in the garbage outside.

[350] I'm just really hoping my house doesn't become haunted by this.

[351] I hope you guys get a laugh out of this.

[352] I can't wait to see you in Pittsburgh in March at the Friday show.

[353] Stay sexy and don't let your kids play with old Rosie Lockett's Nicole.

[354] Oh my God.

[355] Why did they put ashes in a necklace?

[356] I get it.

[357] I get it.

[358] I was like a 13 year old.

[359] I would have been like, I'm going to put my grandma's ashes and it and it'll always be close to my heart and then you lose it.

[360] It's not like they let you scoop them out.

[361] It's not like the Family gets their share.

[362] I think that happens sometimes.

[363] Oh, no. Like, do you want a little piece of grandma?

[364] Also, maybe it, yeah.

[365] Also, maybe it wasn't that.

[366] Like, maybe it was ashes from, like, a flower that a guy had given her, and she burned it.

[367] Because she's super goth.

[368] She's really goth.

[369] She was the first goth.

[370] Yes.

[371] It was 1892.

[372] And now that little three -year -old speaking in tongues.

[373] And it's fine.

[374] Moth man prophecies.

[375] That's a great, that's a great story for us.

[376] You know what I mean?

[377] It's like, yeah, I love it.

[378] It could have been an antique.

[379] It could have been anything.

[380] No, it's filled with human cremains.

[381] Cremains.

[382] Cremains.

[383] Learn that word from this podcast.

[384] Mm -hmm.

[385] Okay.

[386] This is like a lighthearted.

[387] Oh, great.

[388] This is called magic spit.

[389] Okay.

[390] All right.

[391] Hi, guys.

[392] I recently listened to a minisette about parents making up lies that you believe forever, and this made me think of something my parents did.

[393] My parents were totally normal, but had a few weird.

[394] traditions.

[395] When my sisters and I were growing up and got a boo -boo, we would go to either of them crying and begging for them to make it better.

[396] What we were really asking for was magic spit.

[397] You see, our parents would spit on their fingers and rub it into whatever bruise or cut we had.

[398] This miraculously cured whatever we were crying or in pain about because they convinced us that the magic spit was the cure all and all.

[399] I never disagreed until I was in fourth grade and was alone with a friend riding bikes and she fell and skidded her knee.

[400] It was bleeding pretty badly and we didn't know what to do.

[401] So I responded with, well, I can try to put some of my magic spit on it, but I'm not sure it'll work.

[402] She was so freaked out and scared and I guess I sounded so confident about my spit that she agreed.

[403] So yes, I spit on her scraped bloody kneecap and we called it a day.

[404] After we got back to her house, her mom asked what happened and she said, don't worry, Kimmy spit on it and it's all better.

[405] So that's when I found out you should not spit in cuts, especially not your own, because it's extremely unsanitary and that my parents were actually pretty gross.

[406] Thanks for being my go -to.

[407] Pick me up when I'm in need of a good laugh.

[408] Stay sexy and don't spit in people's wounds.

[409] Kimmy.

[410] Shit.

[411] So don't spit in people's fun.

[412] Spit?

[413] I mean, you'd think it'd be good, right?

[414] Well, I think the idea that it worked like such an insane placebo on those children is pretty amazing.

[415] It's like you have a crying kid and then they just believe that everything's solved.

[416] Totally.

[417] I would keep that lie going for as long as right into college.

[418] Right until there is an infection.

[419] Yeah.

[420] Right up and stop it.

[421] Right.

[422] I think parental spit is okay.

[423] Spit outside the family.

[424] Don't do it.

[425] Keep it in the family until someone gets gangrene.

[426] That's right.

[427] And stay sexy.

[428] And don't get murdered.

[429] Goodbye.

[430] Elvis, you want a cookie?