Daniel Sloss

[0] Hi, my name is Daniel Sloss, and I feel privileged about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[1] Oh my God, I love that.

[2] I love that you, A, feel privileged, but more the way you say Conan is fantastic.

[3] Conan, it was fantastic.

[4] It had a little Sean Connery in there.

[5] I mean, literally, a tiny Sean Connery came out of your mouth and waved at me. Yeah, yeah, he was the one that made sure I just got the lisp correctly.

[6] When you cough, say you have a chest cold, do.

[7] thousands of small Sean Conneries come spilling out of your mouth Yeah, that's what we thought COVID was originally in Scotland We just thought Fall is here Hear the yell Back to school Ring the bell Brand new shoes Walking loose Climb the fence Books and pens I can tell that we are going to be friends Yes I can tell that we are going to be friends Hello there and welcome to a humble little podcast known as Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend.

[8] Very happy to be joined by Sonam of Sessian, my trustee assistant.

[9] Hi, Conan.

[10] Nice to have you back and twins still doing well.

[11] Yep, they're still there.

[12] I wish you had a higher bar for your children than they're still there.

[13] Are they thriving?

[14] They're thriving.

[15] They are thriving.

[16] They're really great kids.

[17] They are so beautiful, too.

[18] They are such good -looking boys.

[19] They are very cute.

[20] They're going to be heartbreakers.

[21] Well, I don't want them to break hearts.

[22] Well, they're going to.

[23] They're going to break people's hearts.

[24] Shatter.

[25] They're going to shatter lives.

[26] They're going to ruin so many people's lives with their good looks and their animal magnetism.

[27] So, anyway, that's your legacy.

[28] Misery.

[29] You know, it is very complicated here at Conan O 'Brien needs a friend because you just came back.

[30] I did.

[31] You just came back.

[32] out for quite a while now over three months.

[33] And Matt Goreley, our trustee, you know, executive producer.

[34] What is his title again, engineer?

[35] He's a producer.

[36] He's a producer, but what do you say, executive producer?

[37] What do you say?

[38] He's not an executive producer.

[39] He isn't.

[40] God damn it.

[41] He never will be as long as I'm, you know.

[42] How do you not know what he does?

[43] I'm sorry, and I've said this before.

[44] Oh, come on.

[45] But a pharaoh.

[46] A pharaoh doesn't know where eight stone goes in the pyramid or who placed the stone there.

[47] Okay.

[48] Pharaoh just occasionally checks out the pyramid and is either pleased or displeased.

[49] Yeah.

[50] So anyway, Matt Gourley, a wonderful producer, is out because he and his lovely wife.

[51] Yes, Amanda.

[52] Amanda had a baby.

[53] A baby girl.

[54] A baby girl.

[55] We will not reveal the name.

[56] I'm pretty sure it's Gertruden.

[57] Gertruden goarly.

[58] It's not, but I really wish it was Gertrude Gordin Gorgley.

[59] Did you send her a tweed onesie?

[60] I sent over an I like Ike tweed diaper.

[61] The most uncomfortable diaper ever made.

[62] Yeah.

[63] It says I like Ike across the butt.

[64] A vintage diaper.

[65] It's a vintage diaper.

[66] It's got an asbestos lining.

[67] It was made in 1951, and I got it in an antique shop.

[68] And I got her a little lute with lots of sharp, spiky parts.

[69] So we're really happy for Matt Goreley.

[70] But this also means that, man, we're like a championship team that keeps having star players drop out, you know, except instead of a groin pull, it's creating life.

[71] Yeah.

[72] And so I do not fear because we have someone filling in for Matt Goreley, who I'm told is the best in the business.

[73] Oh, okay.

[74] And I'm just saying that to piss off Matt Gorley in his name.

[75] Yeah.

[76] His name is Brett Morris.

[77] Here I am.

[78] Brett, how are you?

[79] I'm great.

[80] Thanks for having.

[81] Would you call yourself the best in the business?

[82] No, I would never call myself that.

[83] That feels insane to call myself.

[84] Okay, because that would feel wrong, but deep down I can see your thought balloon.

[85] You think I'm right on.

[86] You think you can eat Matt Goreley's lunch.

[87] You're so much better at producing than him, don't you?

[88] Fuck Matt Goreley.

[89] Yeah, fucking Gorley.

[90] Right?

[91] I do kind of like this.

[92] Is it true that when you screw up in the studio, you say, ah, pulled a goarly.

[93] Is that what people say in the business?

[94] Yeah, I like any time I hear of Matt Goreley making any mistake of any kind, because he just seems, he's such a graceful human being, and he's handsome.

[95] And I'm so ungracious.

[96] I think that that's what works is that when Matt makes a mistake or an error of some kind or slightly misspeaks, my reaction to it is so savage and so wrong.

[97] that the contrast, I think, is just fascinating to people.

[98] I think so, too.

[99] Yeah.

[100] Do you think that there's a part of you that's, like, a little jealous of Matt because he can do so much stuff?

[101] Like, edit podcasts and build tables and stuff, and you're just angry.

[102] He didn't hand whittle, a canoe.

[103] Yes.

[104] He can do a lot of things.

[105] I can make ramen if it's the kind that you drop in the boiling thing that has an envelope of those little pouches with chicken stock.

[106] Oh yeah, with the powder.

[107] Yes.

[108] I make that really well.

[109] Guess what?

[110] Get it boiling.

[111] Leave it for three minutes.

[112] Turn off the heat, then add the packet and stir.

[113] Then you can add some pepper.

[114] That's what I can do.

[115] I don't see Matt Goreley doing that, do you?

[116] No, I have a feeling he's making three course meals every night.

[117] He's also baking, he's got a kiln and he's making the bowl that the soup will go in.

[118] And once he's done using that bowl, he smashes it.

[119] Brett, tell me a little bit about yourself so I can find a weakness and then I can attack you.

[120] Oh, God.

[121] Okay.

[122] Where are you from?

[123] You know, what's your story, Brett?

[124] Yeah, I'm originally from the Bay Area, Silicon Valley area.

[125] I'm a musician.

[126] Been in various bands and currently in a band.

[127] What's your instrument?

[128] Guitar, mainly.

[129] Yeah.

[130] That's something we can bond.

[131] What's the name of your band?

[132] Man, man. Man, man?

[133] It's the name of my band, yeah.

[134] M -A -N -M -A -N?

[135] M -A -N.

[136] So at this time when men are being called into account for centuries of misbehavior, we're doubling down.

[137] You doubled down on man. That was your decision.

[138] Yeah, I mean, you'll have to talk to the front man about that.

[139] Yeah, oh.

[140] Well, that was the third man. Well, I never assume that the person leading the band is a man. When you said you're going to have to talk to the, I just thought, well, who is she?

[141] But, of course, in Man Man, it's a man. Because that's how you guys roll.

[142] Brett, I think you're in really deep water.

[143] I really do.

[144] Yeah.

[145] I think you should change the name of your band immediately to women are the future.

[146] And your first album should be sorry about that last name.

[147] Yes.

[148] Think seriously about what I'm telling you.

[149] It's probably a good idea.

[150] Yeah.

[151] Well, I want to check you guys out some time.

[152] Maybe I could rock.

[153] with you, huh?

[154] Have I got the chops to rock with you guys?

[155] Anytime.

[156] We recorded our album right here where I'm sitting.

[157] So, uh, you know, come over.

[158] We'll jam.

[159] Do you take lead ever?

[160] Do you like to solo?

[161] I play a very choppy lead, a very, uh, crude lead, but it's got a lot of heart in it.

[162] Okay.

[163] It's got a, would you say, Sona?

[164] What did I say?

[165] When I grab a lead guitar solo, it's, I wouldn't say it's just a lot of finesse there.

[166] I disagree.

[167] I think you're hard on yourself than you should be.

[168] I think you're a great guitarist.

[169] But, yeah, you're not Slash.

[170] Oh, my God.

[171] No, I can't afford that hat.

[172] That's an incredible hat.

[173] You think the hat is the only thing that differentiates you between...

[174] You know, it's so fascinating.

[175] It's, I've seen him play without the hat.

[176] Yeah.

[177] He's terrible.

[178] He's awful.

[179] When he puts the hat on suddenly, he's Slash.

[180] One of the worst sounds I ever heard was coming out of this rehearsal space once.

[181] Awful.

[182] It's just clunky, awful, crude.

[183] And I walked in and it was Slash, Saul Hudson, without his hat.

[184] Right.

[185] And it was like a kid that picked up a guitar and had peanut butter on his fingers.

[186] Under the brim of his hat, he's got the tabs of all the songs.

[187] He's got the tablature.

[188] Yes, exactly how to play the chords.

[189] No, it's all about the hat with him.

[190] I love him so much.

[191] Okay.

[192] Yeah.

[193] He's my first crush.

[194] That's true.

[195] That's right.

[196] And you got to meet him through who?

[197] How'd you meet him?

[198] Don't do that.

[199] How'd you meet Slash?

[200] I'm curious.

[201] Through you.

[202] Oh, yeah.

[203] Okay, whatever.

[204] All roads lead to Gunnin.

[205] Don't do that song.

[206] I changed your life.

[207] I changed your life.

[208] It's an awful song.

[209] I'm the reason you met your husband and you've got your family.

[210] Oh me everything.

[211] I said, everything, everything.

[212] Oh, me everything.

[213] Oh.

[214] What an awful song that was.

[215] Brett, did you like that song I just sang?

[216] I'm rethinking the invitation to jump.

[217] Run.

[218] Brett, run as fast as you can.

[219] Run away.

[220] I'm sorry.

[221] Well, do you play a lot of live gigs?

[222] Well, not these days.

[223] Oh, right.

[224] I forgot about COVID.

[225] Yeah.

[226] I live in kind of a...

[227] Brett, I don't know if it's clear to you, but I live in kind of a bubble.

[228] I literally had a giant bubble built around my home.

[229] A lot of celebrities are doing this.

[230] Yeah.

[231] So I've not been aware of COVID for two years.

[232] So the bubble had nothing to do with COVID.

[233] Oh, I built it long before COVID.

[234] Okay.

[235] I just didn't like humans and people.

[236] It's not Hollywood elite bubble.

[237] Yeah, and I heard that this is something that people did.

[238] I've hired thousands of people to recreate normal life for me inside the bubble.

[239] Well, I want to check you guys out some time.

[240] I want to see you play.

[241] Oh, my God.

[242] I would be honored.

[243] Yeah.

[244] That would be amazing.

[245] Well, it's not going to happen.

[246] Oh, okay.

[247] You know that, right?

[248] I say things to sound like an amiable chap on the air, but it just, it can't happen.

[249] You understand that.

[250] I do get that.

[251] Usually you don't take back the formality instantly right after you say.

[252] It's occurring to me now that I'm doing this while we're recording.

[253] I know.

[254] But, you know, let's let it all hang out there.

[255] I will never see you play.

[256] Sona, aren't I way too busy?

[257] My schedule's just jammed.

[258] If that's what you want me to say, then that's what I will say.

[259] I've never had more free time in my life.

[260] I know.

[261] He has nothing going on.

[262] No, I definitely will.

[263] Brett, I definitely want to check you out, so it'll be fun.

[264] And I mean, I'm going to check you out.

[265] What?

[266] What did you say?

[267] Sona, that's okay.

[268] Okay.

[269] It's okay.

[270] Let it go.

[271] Well, anyway, welcome aboard, Brett.

[272] Thank you so much.

[273] It's big shoes to fill.

[274] It's nice to have you here, and I think the rumors are true.

[275] I think you're much better than goarly.

[276] Already, wow.

[277] I hope that gets out there, because you heard it from Brett.

[278] He said he's better than goarly.

[279] We're going to start producer beef.

[280] That's what I definitely want to do.

[281] It's going to be like east side, west side.

[282] All right, we have a terrific show today.

[283] My guest is a hilarious comedian who made his U .S. television debut performing stand -up comedy on my show in 2013, and he was brilliant, always has been.

[284] new book, Everyone You Hate is Going to Die, such a sweet message, is available now, and he's currently touring his new show, hubris, tickets and days can be found at danielsloss .com.

[285] Now, that probably gave it away.

[286] I am thrilled.

[287] He's here with us today.

[288] Daniel Sloss, welcome.

[289] I am very, very happy to have you on the podcast.

[290] I think we started having you on our show, I think in, I want to say, 2013, somewhere around there.

[291] Yes, and I've never, because of the way the show is run, so very officially, and so you know, you get there, everyone's phenomenal at their job, including yourself.

[292] Oh, thank you for putting me in that category.

[293] Well, I've seen the show on how it's run.

[294] I know you're not doing the heavy lifting.

[295] Of course not.

[296] Of course not.

[297] I am the man that walks around the structure and says, good job, everyone.

[298] Nicely done.

[299] A little more paint on that steeple.

[300] You know, I'm looking at the cathedral and occasionally making suggestions and then I'm off to the bar.

[301] Yeah.

[302] Designation is your true skill.

[303] Yeah.

[304] But I mean, I've never truly got to, thank you, because every single time I've done the show, you've had me on, I've done stand -up, you come, you say hello at the end, and then I'm sort of twist away to be congratulated by all the sort of people.

[305] But, man, I would not have the career I have the day, if it were not, for you and for Chronicle.

[306] And every time we've been on the show, I've never had the time to just sort of sit down and thank you for taking a chance on me when, like, nobody else in the States would.

[307] Well, Daniel, that is the reason I had you on the podcast.

[308] I just, I wanted my proper thanks because you are a massive, very influential comedian now with a brilliant career.

[309] And I gave you your start.

[310] That's all I wanted to hear.

[311] I I think we're out of time.

[312] We're out of time, Daniel.

[313] Well, I've finally got closure after so many appearances.

[314] Finally, I'm like, I said it.

[315] It's fine.

[316] I can die.

[317] I want to say, in fairness, I often said to you after your appearances, that was brilliant.

[318] Is there anything you'd like to say to me?

[319] And you always said, got to go.

[320] Got things to do.

[321] And then I would see you hours later hanging around the studio with fucking nothing to do.

[322] I was just, I was basking in the ambience of the relaxed atmosphere.

[323] create.

[324] Yes, yes, yes.

[325] No, I'm, you know, you're still so young and you started on my show almost 10 years ago.

[326] I believe, I think you were, you must have been 11 years old when you started on my show.

[327] You were such a young, Bonnie Lad, I'll say.

[328] Yeah, 23, and I remember it so well because I couldn't believe I was coming over.

[329] Like, like J .P. Buck had come out to the other friends.

[330] And let me, let me do a preface because no one listening knows who J .P. Buck is a man who dresses like the professor on Gilligan's Island Chino's in a button -up shirt claims to know a lot and claims to love comedy.

[331] We're not sure.

[332] I suspect he's a very good landscape architect, but anyway, no, he is, J .P. Buck needs a shout out because he has, for years and years and years, been finding people like Daniel Sloss, and this sounds like it's an easy thing to do, what is not an easy thing to do.

[333] He found Daniel Sloss and said, I just found this, basically, a fetus in Scotland who's very funny and we should have him on and he would work with you on your sets and I trust JP greatly because he has has an unerring eye and ear for great stand -up comedian so yes just mutual shout out to JP Buck I'm as grateful to JP as you are Daniel yeah I he came to see my show he asked if I wanted to come on he went through my set with me I went to the comedy work in Denver a couple of times to run the set through to make sure that it made sense to the American audience because it was my first time properly doing it and then I remember being on the flight to LA and I don't know if you get this but just like this fear that everything's going to be taken away from you like I feel so lucky to have gotten so far in my career like I always feel like everything's a bonus and things might not happen and I remember being on the flight and going something's going to happen and I'm not going to get on the show like somebody's going to overrun or there's going to be technical difficulties and then I won't get on it and then they'll just be like okay we made a mistake as well and we can't have you back on it at any other point and I'm so excited to be getting over and then we get to Word of Brothers studios and Nelson Mandela dies and I remember just being the most selfish person in the entire world and sitting backstage at Conan going what I'm not going to be on the show then am I because fucking Nelson Mandela died.

[334] Like, this is unbelievable.

[335] On my big day?

[336] We're going to talk about this for the number.

[337] Yeah.

[338] You know, that was the worldwide reaction to Nelson Mandela's death was, will Daniel Sloss get screwed?

[339] I know.

[340] No, I mean, first of all, I love how honest you're being because we are all, I mean, especially comedians, but we are all that solipsistic.

[341] We are all that self -involved.

[342] We are all that self -involved.

[343] it is if I had a particularly good bit one night that I knew that we shot a remote and we've already screened it for an audience and it kills and this is going to be on tonight we work so hard on it and they announced that night and that a meteor is headed to Earth we all have 11 hours to live my first thought would have been what about that piece that piece was going to air tonight that thing was great can we bring it forward?

[344] Yeah can we show it Can we show it quickly?

[345] Oh, no, then everyone who sees it's going to die right afterwards.

[346] That's no good.

[347] How did they just do the global announcement for the meteor?

[348] Can we get my sketch on that channel?

[349] Can we make sure it's the last thing everyone's seeing?

[350] Who's broadcasting about the meteor?

[351] How do we get a slot in there so I can show the piece where I go with Ice Cube to a chiropractor?

[352] Because I swear to God, that's a good piece.

[353] I wish I had gone to a chiropractor with Ice Cube, but I didn't.

[354] I'm just going to narrate now.

[355] You just removed your sweater and you did it in a way that guys were...

[356] I really hoped you weren't noticing.

[357] Like, I could feel sweat trickling down my back because it's quite hot in New York today.

[358] And I wore a...

[359] You just reached down and you whipped it off in this very smooth motion that I would not have been able to pull off, you know, literally.

[360] It's the move of a man who was constantly surprised whenever a woman was willing to have sex with them.

[361] So I just learned to, like, quick!

[362] Before they chased her, man, get it all off.

[363] Come on.

[364] You know, for the very same reason, I had, all my clothes were Velcroed on.

[365] So, in the 80s and 90s, if a woman showed any interest at all in sex, with one pull, my tuxedo would come completely off with a ripping sound.

[366] Yeah.

[367] And just you, in the original Mancini, Borat stole it from you.

[368] Exactly, exactly.

[369] You know, I was delighted to be able to talk to you because you have a book out.

[370] everyone you hate is going to die and that I wish I had had this book years ago when my children were little because I would have read it to them just before they went to bed and now for another chapter of everyone you hate is going to die and then turn off the lights and go night night I think it's a positive message you know they get to go yeah well you know there's so much in here because my favorite thing that I've ever done in comedy is whenever we've been able to travel and I get to do foolish, time -wasting silliness in other countries.

[371] It's my absolute favorite thing to do.

[372] And I have not made my way to Scotland yet.

[373] I have a caveat to that.

[374] I touched down in Scotland once briefly.

[375] My feet have touched Scottish soil.

[376] I know that.

[377] We have a plaque there now that says cornered bride once stood here.

[378] Yes.

[379] Well, now, first of all, the fact that I put that plaque down and had it pre -made.

[380] You just have those.

[381] You know what I do?

[382] You've got like 50 in your bag.

[383] I have a backpack.

[384] I have a giant backpack and I carry tons of these bronze plaques that say Connor O 'Brien stood here and whenever I stand anywhere and sometimes I've there are hundreds of them at the local Whole Foods just because I go there once a weekend to buy melons and so I just keep people have said like ones and I think enough and I'm like no no there should be one for each time but I'm fascinated with Scotland my wife is mixed heritage and she has a lot of Scottish blood and I think she's the better for it I am as I've mentioned 100 % Irish pure 103 % Irish but I'm fascinated by the Scotch people and Scotland You've done Ireland though right I've been to Ireland and I know I want to know explains Scotland to me, first of all, if you're any indication you people swear like crazy.

[385] You're very, you're artists at swearing.

[386] Yeah, like it's, well, it's just part of the language mainly.

[387] I mean, you know, we still get the occasional pearl clutcher in Edinburgh and stuff who gets offended by swearing, but it's absolutely, like I learned swear words from my young age and the only reason they ever had power was because other people gave them power.

[388] Like we heard, I heard adults swearing.

[389] I heard teachers swearing.

[390] Like, they tried to hide it from you.

[391] They weren't, you know, effing and Jeffing in the classroom and stuff.

[392] But I remember once when, I think it was about eight or nine, I'd got in trouble because I think I'd said, like, fuck in the playground or something.

[393] And then my mom had to come into school and they told her.

[394] And I went home.

[395] And my mom was like, you can't swear.

[396] And I said, why not?

[397] And she was like, well, because.

[398] Because my dad was like You can't tell him not to do something If you can't justify it Like it has to be a lot Wait a minute You had a reasonable father I did A very reasonable father And he applied logic To conversations with your mother Yes This is more fascinating in Scotland Well they There's so much I need to learn from you They're outliers Yeah And he was like If you can't explain to him Why he's not allowed to say these things then you can't tell them not to say them.

[399] That doesn't make sense.

[400] And I remember my mom just being like, all right, okay, well, don't do it in school and don't do it in front of your grand because it upsets those people and I don't want to be seen as a bad parent.

[401] And I was like, oh, great.

[402] Well, I can keep that end of the bargain.

[403] Well, you have a great joke in your book about how ubiquitous and common swearing is in Scotland and it's about when you go to buy a computer keyboard in Scotland.

[404] Yeah, there's no space.

[405] bar, it's just the word fucking.

[406] That's, because that's our, that's the, like, from when I grew up, especially in Fife, like that's, that's our version of, um.

[407] Like you go, what's his fucking, his fucking, fucking, fucking wards his face from fucking, you know, from, he was on Conan last week.

[408] The fucking, no, not the woman, the fucking bloke, the one with the fucking hair.

[409] My favorite jokes are visual and, and have this visual truth to them.

[410] And so when I read that joke, I started laughing, and then I was just picturing someone trying to write something very erudite on their computer keyboard in Scotland.

[411] Do you know what I mean?

[412] Which is, well, the male, of course, moth must reproduce because, and then they hit the fuck, fucking.

[413] And then, of course, everyone in Scotland reads it, and they don't even notice.

[414] It just looks like a space to them.

[415] Yeah.

[416] Well, I mean, I've got the reason swaling works a lot better in Scotland is because our vowels are short.

[417] And that's the key for swathing.

[418] swearing should never dominate a sentence.

[419] It should always just sort of be like fuck shit, cunt, like that's bastard, bitch.

[420] You see how, like that's very, when Americans swear, because you guys sing everything because you're happy, like when you swear, you say, fuck, bastard.

[421] Motherfucker.

[422] And you're like, ugh, like, that's not how it's meant to be done.

[423] That's exactly how I say it.

[424] You bastard.

[425] Wow, you got me down.

[426] You know, you also talk about the reason pot never quite made it in Scotland as a drug so popular here and so popular in many parts of the world but why did pot never quite make it in Scotland?

[427] I have no idea like originally I thought it was just I thought it was like a sun -based thing and I'm like anything that requires sun to grow is just not going to grow in Scotland like we got over that like sunflowers we've seen pictures of them but we've never seen real ones.

[428] You know, we have plants that grow in burns and forests and rivers and whatnot.

[429] But it's just not, it's not bleak enough.

[430] Like, we like beer, but we prefer whiskey.

[431] We like, you know, gin.

[432] We need stuff that makes us sad and dower.

[433] And heroin is better for that.

[434] It's just a more, it's a more popular drug because.

[435] Do you start with the whiskey and then the heroin or is it the heroin?

[436] Is the whiskey that change?

[437] Depends on the pub.

[438] Oh, I see.

[439] Okay.

[440] We'll get a whiskey and heroin over here.

[441] It's got like a train, train spotting, I think, was for Americans, I know for me anyway.

[442] We've been shown this picture of Scotland, which, of course, everyone is shown first the cliche, you know.

[443] And I remember growing up just outside Boston, practically in the city, but right there on this suburb next to Boston.

[444] And, you know, we were always, there were these commercials for Irish Spring soap.

[445] And it was always people talking like this and a little bit of a...

[446] And the man would say he'd rub the Irish spring on his chest, the soap, and he'd go, ah, manly, yes.

[447] And then a beautiful woman would lean in and go, ah, but I like it too.

[448] And it was all very beautiful and very sort of leprechauny and nice.

[449] Then I got to know these neighbors moved in next door and they were old guys who were from Ireland, and two twin brothers, the Murphy's, and their sister, and they moved in, and these guys were in there, I want to say they're 60s, and they were real people from real Ireland.

[450] And I remembered it would snow, and I'd go out to the garage, and one of our chores was to dig out the snow so that the cars could get out.

[451] I'd be there digging the snow, and one of the Murphy brothers would come up next to me, and he'd be digging out his snow, and I'd say, oh, hello there, Mr. Murphy, and I was expecting him to go, like, ah, well, it's nice to see you, young lad.

[452] But instead they go, You got a whole thing You're told in your earth, but you never got an office because it's all the time.

[453] I couldn't understand a thing he was saying.

[454] And that's how Irish people really talk.

[455] They talk like pirates whose teeth have been broken in an automobile accident.

[456] That's how they really are.

[457] There's none of this bullshit and that's what I felt like train spotting was the wake -up call for the rest of the world that you don't understand, it's not what you think yeah and it's man my one of the things i do really enjoy about coming to america is just hearing every american's impression of scottish people because you know if everyone's got one and and none of them are good no no like it's all everything just starts off with like they make sure they just get all the right amount of phlegm in their throat and then they're like and i think you say oh hi the new and then helen koo whiskey and you're like ah all right yeah sure that's Well, listen, I'm going to break some news to you, Daniel.

[458] We are not a country known for our sensitivity towards other cultures.

[459] I know, but I thought you'd like us because, like, the number one thing I hear is people go, and especially in America, like, hey, my ancestors are Scottish.

[460] I'm like, I know they are.

[461] You're white.

[462] That's where this country works.

[463] Like, if you are white and American, your ancestors are absolutely from where I'm from.

[464] That's how this country is made.

[465] Yeah, it's England, Ireland, Scotland.

[466] And that's why I'm always confused.

[467] I'm not a, you know, on St. Patrick's Day, I hide because people, I'm known in this country.

[468] I stand out a little bit and people, I'm so Irish that people want me to be wearing a big button that says, kiss me, I'm Irish, Erin Gobra, Ireland, yay, Ireland.

[469] And I don't feel it.

[470] I just feel like there's like 40 % of the country is of Irish.

[471] where it doesn't feel like anything exotic.

[472] Do you know what I mean?

[473] It just feels like there's a bunch of us.

[474] Yeah, well, Ireland's also not exotic.

[475] Like, nobody's...

[476] I don't know when the last time you were there, but there's no point where you're like, oh, like what they've done to the place.

[477] You've changed it in the past 200 years.

[478] Still, it's been sad for a while.

[479] And I love Ireland, but they know what they are.

[480] Yeah, I mean, I've been over to Ireland countless times, and I've noticed that, and maybe this is there's a kinship with Scotland here, and you can, I'll ask you, you can tell me, but there's something going on in the overall UK, which I know is a, I'm painting with a broad brush here, but there's a, maybe a cynicism, maybe even a healthy cynicism about things, and kind of a, people aren't walking around saying, have a, you know, wonderful day, and, you know, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, you know, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's not that it's, and I wonder sometimes is it because it's raining most the time and we had to heat our fires with peat, peat moss, you know?

[481] I mean, how much of it is just the climate?

[482] Is it because of the climate?

[483] I think it's the yeah, the climate's got a lot to do with it.

[484] Like, I mean, it rains a lot in Scotland.

[485] I always get like Americans and Australians who are like, man, I think Scotland's beautiful, but I could never live there for the weather.

[486] And I'm like, man, you know we say the same thing about you, right?

[487] Yeah.

[488] Like, I couldn't in California.

[489] If I was constantly in that sun, I would just, I would evaporate and die.

[490] I'm miserable when I'm hot.

[491] I have to say, I think I agree with you.

[492] And Sona, I've talked about this many times.

[493] I don't belong here.

[494] I live.

[495] My career took me to Southern California, and I've been here now two different periods of my life once, three different periods of my life.

[496] I've lived in Los Angeles, whether it was working for the Simpsons or early in my comedy career or then coming back here to do the Conan show for TBS and I'm constantly every cell in my body is saying you don't belong here and when it does rain here and get dark last week it got dark and it rained and I was the happiest I've been I was joyous and everyone else doesn't understand and I just was saying no every cell in my body is saying yes you ask this is where you're supposed to be I'm not supposed to be near the Mexican border I'm just not Yeah It's that weather you're talking about The Scottish word for it's Drink it And it's it's dreak it weather It's misery It's like raining But it's not thunderstorms But there's just a constant presence Of water in the air And it's dark by You know, 4 or 5pm in the afternoon And that's it Like where you find your joy Elseway don't get our joy From the weather We get our joy from You know Hating the English And Yeah let's talk about Let's talk about that.

[497] You talk about that in your book, and I wanted to bring this up.

[498] You, I actually, I have your book right here because you see, I'm a guy that reads books.

[499] Okay, this is a chapter, chapter five.

[500] Countries are people too, just bigger and even worse.

[501] And I'll just, there's, of course, the first sentences, I fucking hate England.

[502] And then you go on and on and on, and then you go, but I fucking hate England, man, all caps.

[503] You're not kidding about this baseball.

[504] I'm Scottish, no matter how much I love parts of England, I fucking hate England.

[505] Nothing makes me happier than watching those tartan dodging gammon shaggers get knocked out of another World Cup and crying because they expected too much.

[506] Again, inject those tears into my veins and I live to be 150 years old.

[507] I may have written that chapter while drinking whiskey.

[508] I may have got a little bit of like national pride in me, painted my face blue.

[509] So it's funny because as a comedian you love the audiences in England Yeah and man And also most of my friends are English And I love parts of the countries I love so many things about England But I hate England as a whole And what it is Like you've got to remember Scotland is part of the UK still And we sort of just end up With whatever government The English vote for And Scotland has never in its history voted for a conservative government But we've had one for 40 out of the last 50 years.

[510] And it's not our thought and that's why we hate the English and historically, you know, they're bastards and originally it was like very amicable, but I feel like a lot of the hatred of the English was like mostly banter like it was traditional.

[511] We hated them in sporting competitions.

[512] We were happy when they lost.

[513] But you always get on with any English person that you were near and drinking with and you'd go down there and enjoy their booze.

[514] And then before the Scottish independence, about six or seven years ago in Scotland we were told that if Scotland left the UK it would automatically be kicked out of the EU because the UK was part of the EU and that swung the vote for a lot of Scottish people because we like the EU because we're a small country that doesn't matter and it was made for us.

[515] You benefit a great deal and you can travel freely throughout the rest of Europe yeah whereas so Scotland voted no for independence becoming the first country in the history of the world to vote no on it.

[516] And it was by about 4%, which, you know, isn't a lot.

[517] And then when Brexit happened, two thirds of Scotland voted no to Brexit, because we didn't want it at all, because we like you.

[518] But again, it doesn't matter what Scotland wants, whatever England wants, England gets.

[519] And it dragged us out.

[520] So we were told that we had to stay in the union to stay in the EU, and then they dragged us out.

[521] And now we're like, oh, well, now we actually hate you.

[522] Like before it was just a bit of banner, but you've really screwed us on this work.

[523] They screwed you over.

[524] They screwed you over badly.

[525] How do the Scottish people feel about the Irish?

[526] We've got, there's an affinity there.

[527] The Scots and the Irish and the Welsh all have this sort of, you know, we like to make fun of the bigger, stronger, older brother.

[528] And there's a lot of, there's a lot of Celtic heritage between Scotland and Ireland.

[529] And, you know, we, we both like booze.

[530] We both, you know, have very interesting relationships with religion historically.

[531] Yes.

[532] What a nice way to put it.

[533] Let's talk about that.

[534] You are not religious.

[535] No, I'm not.

[536] And I want to touch on something briefly.

[537] You and I have, in addition to both stumbling into comedy and having absolutely no melanin in our skin, the other thing we have in common is, which I find fascinating, is that your mother is quite a well -known microbiologist, as is my father.

[538] Oh, really?

[539] Yes.

[540] My father, Dr. Thomas.

[541] F. O 'Brien, has been working in microbiology since, like, the Eisenhower administration.

[542] He's been, he's been, and preaching about antibiotic resistance.

[543] My dad has been working hard on that and still is.

[544] And I won't give away his age, but I'm 85.

[545] And my father had me when he was 55.

[546] So, and he's still going.

[547] He's just a torso now, but he is.

[548] he's a torso with two fingers but he's still clacking away and when I read that in your book I thought wait a minute that's crazy we both have and it's a very specific field microbiology so both of our parents and my mom is a very smart woman who was a lawyer in Boston for many many many years so I kind of feel like you and I both have and I know your dad's a super tech nerd yeah yeah so my parents are very very intelligent but you also man you went to Harvard right?

[549] Yeah, that doesn't mean anything.

[550] I mean, what happens is, you know, it doesn't mean you're a moral person, certainly, because I think the people who invented Agent Orange, I think they invented it at Harvard.

[551] And they got full course.

[552] I just thought that was your nickname at Harvard.

[553] Here comes Agent Orange again.

[554] Yeah, and I was equally just, apparently, people were as happy to see me as they were the real Agent Orange.

[555] But no, no, I've met, I've said this many times, and I did go to Harvard, and I was proud of a lot of things that I did there and proud of a lot of the people that I met there, but I tell people all the time, it's not Hogwarts, it's not this magical place.

[556] I met all kinds of people, when I say all kinds of people, you go to any university or college, and you're going to meet, and I don't care what you're talking, but you can talk about MIT, you're going to meet people that really disappoint you and people that really inspire you.

[557] Yeah, but I feel like you had to be a certain level of intellectual to get into Harvard, whereas I...

[558] Oh, yeah, I am.

[559] Yes, I am a very, very brilliant man. There we go.

[560] That's the second reason I had you on the podcast, and now we're out of time.

[561] So let's summarize.

[562] Daniel Sloss owes his career to me, and I'm a very brilliant man. Yeah, very smart, brilliant man. And we're out.

[563] Now it's time to do some commercials.

[564] No, but...

[565] You've got smart parents.

[566] Because I, my parents were very smart and I always, like, that was just an inspiration for me to, like, be smart.

[567] Because I was like, that's what my parents both have degrees, they're both intelligent.

[568] Like, I could, when I was young, I could ask them a question about anything and they'd give me the answer.

[569] You know, my dad ruined the Loch Ness monster for me when I was eight years old because we drove past Loch Ness.

[570] And I was like, oh, maybe we'll see the monster.

[571] And he, like, pretty much pulled over the car and then just explained to me, like, because of the volume of water in Loch Ness.

[572] animal that size would have to eat this amount of fish and there's just not that amount of fish in a closed lake and it would be impossible for like just eight years old and then did you bring up Santa Claus again full halt to deliver six toys to every child in the world in the span of 24 hours it would not be impossible the statistical anomaly man you're Dad just ripping through all.

[573] Okay, how about tooth fairy, dad?

[574] You understand that to have cash on hand.

[575] Why does it need the teeth, Daniel?

[576] That's the question we should all be asking.

[577] What is this mystical creature that profits off of teeth?

[578] What is it doing with the teeth?

[579] Why does it have human currency?

[580] Why does it know what we want?

[581] And why is it only the baby teeth, huh?

[582] They never want the adult teeth.

[583] That would be him.

[584] Yeah, none of it makes sense.

[585] Yeah, and he doesn't point out, the similarities to a serial killer collecting teeth is, I mean really we should all be looking for the tooth fairy the tooth fairy I'm sure needs to be hunted down and immediately arrested and then detained like Hannibal Lecter because if teeth collecting strangers, the teeth of children and you've got just giant mountains of it back home in your basement, it's a problem.

[586] That's a problem.

[587] Where are they getting the money from?

[588] They must be selling it.

[589] Like they're making a profit off of the If they're willing to hand out one bucks, two bucks, ten bucks, then I don't know how much the tooth fairy gives over here.

[590] Well, here on the west side of Los Angeles, it's $700 for each tooth.

[591] Okay.

[592] Yeah, and you also get a Rolex watch.

[593] Great.

[594] In Scotland, she just leaves the tooth there, and she's like, Jesus, that's a horrendous bit of chewing machinery.

[595] I can't.

[596] You better put that back in.

[597] You better put that.

[598] that back in.

[599] No, you are not religious, you, and you're not afraid to talk about some quite bleak things and be quite honest about things.

[600] You know, you did a very well -known special, stand -up special called Jigsaw, and talking about toxic relationships and a toxic relationship that you had, and you have verification, through people communicating with you that you've been the cause of 120 ,000 breakups just from people listening to you on Jigsaw.

[601] Is that right?

[602] Yeah, I think it's harder than that now.

[603] We stopped counting about two years ago.

[604] But like I still get, every show I do, I'll have at least three or four people afterwards being like, hey, I left my partner because of you.

[605] With a smile on their face.

[606] Like, they're very happy.

[607] It's never a...

[608] And what was the...

[609] I know it's very hard to boil it down, but what was the essence of your message to people that caused them to break up?

[610] Because we have a lot of people listen to this podcast, and if we can cause more breakups, now, I mean, yes, you'll grow more powerful.

[611] It was essentially there is this lie that I think society breeds into us that being in a relationship is better than being alone.

[612] And I disagree with that.

[613] I think being in a good relationship is better than being alone.

[614] But being alone is infinite.

[615] better than being in a bad relationship and I think that's an important distinction like people are so desperate to be in a relationship because that's what we're meant to do that they just go, I'll stay with this person who's shit and boring and mean and doesn't get on with any of my friends and doesn't really like me but I'm going to stay there because I would much rather wake up with them than wake up alone and I think that's an insane way to live your life.

[616] I agree with you completely and I have to go home and talk to my wife.

[617] Oh, man, I think that would be one of the ones where I felt like real guilty.

[618] Yeah, yeah.

[619] No, you know, it's interesting.

[620] I'll be very honest.

[621] And I think it's something you talk about very well in your comedy.

[622] One of your lines is you are not responsible for the happiness of other human beings.

[623] You believe that.

[624] And I think your caveat is that, you know, you don't want to go around being needlessly cruel to people.

[625] But if your goal is to go out and try and make everyone happy, you're going to create a lot of misery in your own way, and especially in these relationships where there is a need to be selfish.

[626] And I had to sound like Dr. Phil for a second, but, you know, I made a conscious decision.

[627] I remembered very shortly before I met my wife saying, look, I remembered very clearly.

[628] I remember where I was.

[629] I remember thinking to myself and saying it almost out loud, I don't need to be with anybody, and I don't want to rescue.

[630] anybody.

[631] I don't want to this myth of me coming in and saving someone from a miserable life.

[632] I want to meet someone who's equally happy to be with me as I am with them.

[633] And that was a huge change because I had, you know, it's just the way I was raised.

[634] But I think I really did believe that it was my job to make other people happy.

[635] And I think that was also a big reason why I got into comedy and why I was so drawn to it.

[636] I love making people happy.

[637] And I had to have a little bit of an addiction to it.

[638] And Sony, you've probably seen it sometimes where I can't not, like if there's, if I'm doing a big show somewhere and there's a lot of people outside.

[639] Every single person.

[640] I need to get to every single.

[641] You'll talk to every single one.

[642] Yeah.

[643] And I don't do that begrudgingly.

[644] And I think that's actually a good use of it because they're there.

[645] They waited and I want to do that.

[646] But it can be very dangerous.

[647] I'm not in a relationship with those people.

[648] I mean, I haven't been sometimes and it's really, you know.

[649] really caused trouble in my marriage totally totally alive please don't come after me but I do think that that is something that you bring up that I think is quite true when people act like another quote you have is never allow someone else to become your other half because people talk about that all the time in relationships like this is my other half I can't live without them and I think you talk about this really well I just think I think it's let's not now being in love is a brilliant thing finding someone who truly loves you for who you are is something that we all deserve and should strive to find but to build your personality and your persona around someone else I just find it's so insane like it's you are your own person like to get into the relationship you had to have been something that person fell in love with your ideas with who you are with and of course you grow and you change together and it's important to be influenced by the person that you love because you've got a responsibility to the person that loves you to not make them love a piece of shit.

[650] Like, you know, my fiancé really, really loves me and, like, I really try my hardest.

[651] Like, the reason I'm a good person now isn't because I want to be a good person, but it's because I don't want to make her look like a fucking idiot.

[652] But she's not my other half.

[653] Like, I would be very upset and broken with her for a period of time, and it would take me a long time to get over her.

[654] you know she wasn't my world beforehand, she's my world now I hope she will be forever I mean that's why you make that promise to each other but to get into a relationship where you cannot imagine surviving without them I don't know it's just you live however many years of your life before you met this person and you were if you were happy in those years and that person you were they fell in love with don't lose it don't become this you know I don't know how common it is in America but do people have like joined Facebook accounts over here?

[655] You know it's so funny I have Conoco has a Facebook presence I myself am not on Facebook and I have never been on Facebook I've never spent any time on a Facebook page and I know nothing about it because it scares you're not missing anything yeah it's I Facebook died really about six years ago Twitter died about two years ago I've managed to come off of both and I definitely know less about the world.

[656] But my God, am I less sad?

[657] Like, I think, human beings were not designed for a constant stream of information.

[658] Oh, no. This is the other thing.

[659] Anything in the past couple of years, it's that knowing everything that's going on all the time is absolutely detrimental to everyone's mental health.

[660] Yes, yes.

[661] We are not, you know, they'll tell you, you turn on the news, and you'll be reading about someone who did something, you know, put an animal into a microwave in the, and in like some other part of the world and how they're under arrest now.

[662] And I'll think, why did I need to know this?

[663] Yeah.

[664] I find myself sad and the image of it horrifies me and I think about it a few times a day.

[665] And I'm being bombarded constantly with, by the way, did you know in this part of the world you've never heard of?

[666] One person tore the jaw off another person and beat them to death in the street.

[667] And again, we were meant to live in, you know, We're meant to live in small villages, occasionally here's some bad news, occasionally here's some good news, live and die.

[668] That's why colonialism, you know, worked because there was no international news.

[669] Like, all the Brits would be sat there and then the army would come back and they were like, hey, we found this new bit of land called India.

[670] And we were like, oh, was there anyone there?

[671] And they were like, no, it was completely empty.

[672] But look, look at all the tea we found.

[673] And we're like, oh, what is this tea?

[674] And because there was no news to let us know the atrocities we were committing, we were like, ah, this is great.

[675] Right.

[676] We're just a really good country that found tea somewhere.

[677] So what we're deciding right now is that ignorance truly is bliss.

[678] A hundred percent.

[679] It's the best.

[680] I mean, it's not good for human progression as a society.

[681] You know, I was with you.

[682] I believe that we are getting bombarded with too much negative information.

[683] But when you compared it to best not to know that India is inhabited, I couldn't go with you.

[684] That's fair enough.

[685] That's also where I would have jumped out on the bit.

[686] Yeah, exactly.

[687] That's where you have to go.

[688] You know, I'm curious what you...

[689] Well, first of all, you mentioned you have a fiancé now, which intrigues me because you've been so famously, you know, single.

[690] And is this not true that you had a goal?

[691] Your goal once was to have sex with more than 100 people?

[692] Was that your goal at one point in your life?

[693] Yeah, yeah, it was.

[694] And when you say it now, and it's sad.

[695] sad and it was but like that's mad when I was young like I had no idea I had the same vow but it was a very different number oh a thousand you dog it was four it was four people and I was giving myself 65 years for four people and I'm still cracking away at it well that'll teach you with your you with your hundred people Well, like, I got into comedy at such a young age, and I was just trying to be a comedian.

[696] Like, I, I, I wasn't myself.

[697] I wasn't in my own voice.

[698] I was just, you know, doing an impression of a comedian for long as possible.

[699] And just all the comedians that I met, like, every single one of them just had all these stories from going on the road and sleeping around.

[700] And I was like, oh, that's what you do.

[701] And, like, that's how you become.

[702] Because I was never good with, like, I was largely ignored by girls in high school and primary school and stuff.

[703] I never have the confidence with it.

[704] So I was like, oh, that's what you do.

[705] You just do this and that will build my confidence and then that will make me an adult and it will make me happy.

[706] And I mean, it did make me happy a bunch of times.

[707] I'm not going to say I regret the whole conquest.

[708] I think it was a gross goal to have.

[709] And retrospectively, I can like, I mean, I shudder out the fact that I did genuinely think, like, oh, this is cool and this is what I want to do.

[710] Right.

[711] But now you are engaged to be married.

[712] and this brings up all kinds of questions for me. First of all, Scottish wedding.

[713] Yes.

[714] Now, I was invited to a wedding, a good friend of mine who I've known forever, Henry, who's regular listener, hey there, Henry.

[715] Henry got married a number of years ago, I don't know, about 20 years ago, I'm going to guess, or maybe less.

[716] But anyway, not the point.

[717] He had kind of a Scottish wedding, and because I was in the wedding party, I was told I needed to get a kilt and the whole outfit and I wasn't looking forward to it and because my wife is of Scotch Welsh descent Yeah, does she have a ruin tartan?

[718] Yes, they have a family tartan So I went and I got a kilt made in my wife's family tartan And...

[719] Do you know which one it is?

[720] I don't.

[721] I gotta be honest with you They all look the same to me. They all look like like a sweater.

[722] It's, they all look like that kilt, you know, check thing.

[723] Um, hash, you know, whatever the, the lines going one way and the other and it's...

[724] Plad.

[725] Yeah.

[726] Oh my God.

[727] I didn't know the word plaid.

[728] The lights going one way.

[729] This is like the other, on the podcast a couple of months ago, I needed to describe a package, a FedEx, I was trying to describe a FedEx guy bringing a package and I couldn't come up with the word package.

[730] And so I had the guy go.

[731] So here's your, and I pause and I went, unit.

[732] Because I couldn't come up with the word package.

[733] And I just said that clad is, what is it?

[734] I said it's lines.

[735] Lines going one way and the other.

[736] I'm sorry.

[737] I can't breathe.

[738] I'm sorry, Sona.

[739] I'm having a complete collapse of my cerebellum.

[740] But anyway, I wasn't looking forward to it.

[741] And then the kilt showed up.

[742] And it was the whole thing, the kilt and the socks.

[743] And the dagger that you wear around like your calf muscle.

[744] Yeah, yeah.

[745] What's that called?

[746] It's, oh God, I'm going to be a terrible Scotsman here.

[747] Ski and do.

[748] Yeah, okay.

[749] A ski and do.

[750] A ski and do.

[751] And the thing that goes around sort of your crotch that you can keep.

[752] There's the sparring eye, the sparring.

[753] Yeah.

[754] It's basically a fanny pack that was invented 800 years ago.

[755] Yeah, they used to put porridge in it because it kept your balls warm.

[756] That was the...

[757] Anyway, I put this thing on, and I'm telling everyone who's listening, it was the most comfortable thing I've ever worn.

[758] And I looked fucking great.

[759] I looked like a badass.

[760] I loved it.

[761] I wish I could wear that every day.

[762] And I loved having a knife, a dagger on my calf.

[763] I just loved it.

[764] And I was ready.

[765] I wanted someone to attack me at any moment so I could whip it out and get into it.

[766] Ready to defend the bridal party should it be required.

[767] So I loved it.

[768] I absolutely loved it.

[769] You can wait.

[770] I mean, Celts are also, I mean, they're Irish as well.

[771] Like, you know, you're not allowed to wear those to fancy occasions.

[772] I have to ask, did you go true Scotsman?

[773] I did not.

[774] Oh, well, that's, I mean, that's allowed because you're not a true Scotsman.

[775] Well, I didn't know.

[776] I also, I didn't even think about it.

[777] I just wore underwear because, you know, there was a period of my time when I didn't enrode the subway, and I was arrested.

[778] I did some things I shouldn't have done.

[779] It was a confusing part of my life.

[780] And afterwards put a sign down that says Conan once stood here.

[781] I would bend over to put a plaque down on the subway that said Conan stood here.

[782] And my stuff would fall out.

[783] And I was tackled.

[784] This is all true.

[785] Oh, okay.

[786] Come on.

[787] It's all true.

[788] All true stories.

[789] It sounds like a very short kilt that you had on.

[790] I had a mini -kilt.

[791] Yay.

[792] I was basically dressed like Serena Vanderwoodson on Gossip Girl.

[793] Wow, you remembered her name, but you couldn't remember Blad.

[794] I could remember Blad, but I just came up with Serena Vanderwoodson.

[795] That's crazy.

[796] And I can't think of, I can't come up with the word package, but I know Chuck Bass.

[797] Also a gossip girl reference.

[798] This is insanity.

[799] Wow.

[800] Okay.

[801] Listen, my brain knows how to prioritize.

[802] But I'm very excited for you because reading the book and knowing your journey, I think you're going to be a very happy married fellow.

[803] And where's the wedding going to be?

[804] It's going to be in Scotland.

[805] Do you live in Edinburgh?

[806] I know that's where the comedy festival is.

[807] Yeah.

[808] Oh, my God.

[809] You know what?

[810] I've never.

[811] I was thinking about going to that comedy festival just when COVID broke out.

[812] Yeah.

[813] I mean, you've got to, it's going to, it'll be back.

[814] Like, it was on a little bit this year, but next year it'll be back in full swing and then it'll, it'll come out.

[815] I would love to go there.

[816] You've got to do it, man. I would love to go there and just, and I've heard it's one of the most beautiful cities in the world.

[817] Yeah, it's an insane thing to be part of, like the population of Edinburgh doubles for the month of August.

[818] Like, there are literally, I think, six or seven hundred shows on a day, and like two or three hundred of them are comedy.

[819] it's from anywhere from 7 in the morning until 5 in the morning the next day the drinking laws change you can drink publicly everything turns into a venue like it's you know like tiny little cafes turn into 70s like I've once seen a gig in just a janitor's closet and the venue capacity was two people including the performer and like that was a show I mean don't we want there's a lot of shit on but like that's the fun it's a gamble it's like anything else it's like streaming television or the internet there's tons of crap and then it's just absolutely amazing stuff it's volume whenever you get volume you're going to be tons of crap yeah lots of little little flex of shite but it's it's such a good experience I mean I'm a huge fan of all the the Conan without border stuff but I've always just been trying to push you know the idea that you should definitely go and do it oh you know what I would do I would and it would be fun I would love to go do a travel show to Scotland and I would love it if I got you involved because I think we could have a lot of that would be a really fun show to do you could show me around we stay the same Airbnb's share a bed like a reel in the highlands I was going to start with share a bet and then yeah but I'll be wearing nine pairs of underwear I put one of the put one of the plaques on my back This is called in one statured.

[820] Daniel, it has been an absolute joy talking to you.

[821] You are, I mean, it's in your blood.

[822] You're just such a funny, great, smart, intricate person to talk to.

[823] So today I was just overjoyed to get to speak to you, and I'm so happy for all of your success.

[824] I really am.

[825] Thank you very much, man. And it's all, man, it's always a beyond a joy to get to do this.

[826] It blows my mind.

[827] And I get to, so thank you.

[828] Well, no, of course.

[829] And everyone you hate is going to die is really a very funny book.

[830] But it's also got a lot of truth in it and a lot of intelligence.

[831] And it's all ladled in your terrific wit.

[832] And so I recommend this book.

[833] I recommend Daniel Sloss, if you have not watched, his specials jigsaw dark you've got and you have a new one i'm on tour with hubris at the moment hubris yeah have you found that americans uh because you're you're so well known uh in so many parts of the world are americans uh receptive uh to you oh yeah i love love getting in the states and there was always such a um huge deal for me to whenever i got to perform over here at all like I remember the first time I performed at the Denver comedy works being like, oh my God, like I'm a real comedian now.

[834] Like I'm in America doing comedy in the capital of comedy, which is all of the states.

[835] Like we can make like the stereotypical jokes that like all Americans are stupid, blah, blah, blah.

[836] But comedically, I think you're the some of the most intelligent audiences in the world comedically because comedy, even if it wasn't started here, it was perfected here.

[837] Like it's, there's been such a long history of stand up over the years.

[838] years, when we think of all the greats, 80 % of them are Americans.

[839] And you're such a comedy, savvy and literal audience that coming out here to get to perform is such an exciting thing.

[840] Because, I mean, so few British comics have been given, you know, the chance to, like, get to perform out here to do it and to, there's so much energy in the rooms.

[841] Americans, because you're so confident.

[842] Maybe a little overconfident at times.

[843] yeah but yeah but the confidence you're the only audience in the world that can laugh as individuals that's interesting it doesn't happen anywhere else like in the UK in Australia in Europe people laugh as a collective because I don't want to laugh at something fucked up if the person besides me not laughing because then everyone will know I'm laughing at the fucked up thing that level of scrutiny in fear doesn't exist I've been at gigs in America where there's a comedian on stage and there's 400 people in the crowd and only three people are enjoying him but those three people are enjoying the fuck out of them and they're proud they don't care what anyone else in the room thinks they're like I like this and I trust me so I'm going to enjoy this wholeheartedly it's beautiful to see that yeah it is I love seeing I mean obviously we both know there are a lot of comedians um it's easy because everybody instinctively wants success it's in our evolutionary makeup we want to succeed we want to do well And then all the small compromises that you may need to make as a comedian in order to regularly get laughs.

[844] And then the next thing you know, you're not who you wanted to be.

[845] And so when people have that discipline to say, this is who I am, this is what I want to do, it's a beautiful thing to see.

[846] And Daniel, you've done that countless times.

[847] You are just a really original voice.

[848] And again, lovely to talk to you again, really looking forward.

[849] to getting invited to the wedding and flown out at your cost, not mine.

[850] 100%.

[851] Yeah, yeah.

[852] But really, congratulations on everything and everyone you hate is going to die.

[853] Check out this book.

[854] It's really fun.

[855] Thanks very much, ma 'am.

[856] All right, I just need to comment on something.

[857] This was not planned, but both the people with me today Sonoma Sassian.

[858] Hi, Sona.

[859] Hi.

[860] Yeah, is, and Sona's assistant, David Hopping, are jumping like mad on, what are, what are you eating?

[861] I'm eating a bar.

[862] A granola bar.

[863] A granola bar.

[864] Yeah.

[865] Okay, what kind of, is it a healthy bar?

[866] Yeah, um, is it healthy?

[867] I don't know.

[868] I got it from in here at Earwolf.

[869] I always, um.

[870] Yeah, but those bars have not been restarted.

[871] This place has been shuttered.

[872] This place has been shuttered since COVID.

[873] it's like we broke into an arctic tent that was left behind by Shackleton in like 1911 and we found some food and you immediately started chomping on it.

[874] Those bars are at least two to three years old.

[875] They might be.

[876] You're right.

[877] I know they expire.

[878] Is there an expiration date?

[879] No. Maybe we don't want to know.

[880] I don't know.

[881] But it's good.

[882] It's vegan.

[883] It says vote for George W. Bush on the front.

[884] I don't know when they started putting that on.

[885] But that's an old bar.

[886] And why are you, what are you eating?

[887] I just brought one from home.

[888] Let me see that.

[889] Is that even healthy?

[890] It's not.

[891] This is just a chocolate bar that they said is a health bar, but it's not.

[892] Yeah, it's really good.

[893] This is how unprofessional both of you are.

[894] You both broke out bars that are wrapped in paper and started chomping away like mules on an apple and we were going to record.

[895] It is a loud, it is a loud snack.

[896] It's like when you're in a theater and you're like, you know.

[897] There's a lot of this.

[898] Come on.

[899] No, this is what you were doing when we were trying to record.

[900] We both did scoop back a little bit from the mics.

[901] You could still, these are sensitive mics.

[902] You can hear that.

[903] We were hungry.

[904] And then you're like, boom.

[905] You have no work ethic.

[906] That's unbelievable.

[907] Come on.

[908] You're just figuring that out now.

[909] And you hired me. Sona trained me. Oh, yeah, Sona trained you.

[910] Oh, I love that Sona trained you.

[911] That's fantastic.

[912] I trained him.

[913] What do you mean?

[914] What does she tell you?

[915] Well, when you start podcasting, I always make sure you'll find the loudest bar.

[916] I'm giving my food back.

[917] Kashi makes a bar that has extra crunch, crackle, crinkle, crunkle.

[918] I like eating, and I eat a lot.

[919] And, you know, we've been here, we've been recording, and there's just, you know, nothing else to eat.

[920] So I ate this.

[921] I eat before the podcast.

[922] I try to make sure I'm responsible that way so that I'm not, you know, But I guess you guys have inspired me for our next session.

[923] I'm going to buy one of those really big candied Virginia hams that you get through the mail.

[924] And I'm going to have it hanging on a rope right above, right where my microphone is.

[925] And I'm going to be gnawing on it.

[926] Just gnawing on it.

[927] And saying, oh, next gas today.

[928] Oh, got a clove.

[929] Hold on a second.

[930] Oh, man. Oh, there we go.

[931] Our next guest today, and then we get into it.

[932] You know, I'm not going to do that.

[933] If you wanted to eat a ham, I would let you eat a ham.

[934] I wouldn't say anything about it.

[935] And I think that, you know, we're hungry and you're making fun of us for eating.

[936] I think you just, you know.

[937] And if you get a whole ham, then you can share with us.

[938] You don't want to.

[939] No one wants to eat a share a ham with me. Dangle it.

[940] Have you watched me eat with my family around?

[941] No, but I've seen you eat lunch.

[942] It's like your family is hovering around you.

[943] Yes.

[944] And I do that thing that, and someone pointed it out to me once, they say that prisoners do this.

[945] People that have been in penitentiaries, they make a barrier with their arms around their food.

[946] Yeah.

[947] I do that because of the way we would all sit around, Neil, Luke, Kate, Jane, Justin.

[948] My grandmother was there.

[949] My father was there.

[950] My mom would just toss a ham into the center of the ring.

[951] You ever seen the scene with that?

[952] they lower, like, the sheep in Jurassic Park into the pit.

[953] It's just, and then they may haul it up again and the sheep's no longer there.

[954] There's just the leather straps and some blood.

[955] That's what happened.

[956] My mom would throw a ham into the center of the room.

[957] Wow.

[958] Sounds rough.

[959] What if you took it out of the wrapper before you entered the studio?

[960] What about that?

[961] Well, I still have to chew it.

[962] Yeah, but at least we get rid of the the the rapper sound okay hold on okay now it looks like you have chewing tobacco you look like you play in major league baseball it's so sticky too i hate being the loud person i mean one well excuse me you hate being the loud person come on wow you hate being the loud person i meant like with rappers that's like Stalin saying i don't want to be the bully you know it's insane yeah it's exactly the same it is exactly the same well he was a world famous bully and you, you know, a tyrannical dictator, and you are the loudest person I've ever met.

[963] That's not true.

[964] Loud, very loud.

[965] That can't be true.

[966] Very true.

[967] No, I know that's not true because you have a friend Eric who's louder than I am and so you're wrong.

[968] That's point one, I win that one.

[969] No. Congratulations to me. My friend Eric is not as loud as you.

[970] Yes, he is.

[971] He can speak loudly at times, but he is not nearly as loud as you.

[972] Often, I'm talking to you and I think we're on the phone and I can just hear you from your home that's 40 miles from where I live.

[973] Wait, so we're not on the phone.

[974] We're not on the phone.

[975] I go, I hear at Conan, and I go, oh, hey, what's up, Sona?

[976] And where do you live?

[977] What's the neighborhood?

[978] It's not even in L .A. Altadena, it is in Los Angeles.

[979] Not really.

[980] Anyway, you are so far away.

[981] You have to change your currency before you hit her neighborhood.

[982] Anywho, bring your passport.

[983] It's right north of Pasadena.

[984] It's very far.

[985] It's very, very far.

[986] It is.

[987] Not far at all.

[988] I think it, yeah, I don't know.

[989] I just stop crinkling for no reason.

[990] I know.

[991] You're done with that.

[992] It bothered me because it was all wrinkled up.

[993] Okay, now it's here.

[994] Oh, good, yeah, now the package is unwrinkled.

[995] That's terrific.

[996] Anyhoots, there are many times where you and I are chatting, and then I realize I'm not even on the phone.

[997] I can hear you all the way from Al to Dina.

[998] Well, I don't.

[999] That's exaggeration.

[1000] Yeah, a little bit, maybe a little bit.

[1001] Exaggeration is a form of comedy.

[1002] Anyway, so what I'm saying.

[1003] saying is I don't like being in a quiet environment.

[1004] I don't like the one who's like crinkling and stuff, like if I'm at a play or a movie.

[1005] Or maybe taping a podcast.

[1006] Or taping a, I don't, yeah, well, I don't mind it so much here.

[1007] Why don't you come in with those little plastic wrapping bubbles that pop next time and just pop those while we're trying to talk?

[1008] Yeah, okay.

[1009] I'll do it.

[1010] No, is that real or sarcastic?

[1011] Will it bother you?

[1012] If it'll bother you, probably I'll do it.

[1013] Was that sarcastic or real?

[1014] Yeah, I'll do it.

[1015] No, it was a sarcastic voice.

[1016] Oh, my God.

[1017] Incredible, your whole generation confounds me. Confounds me. All right, well...

[1018] Listen, please, let's have a new rule.

[1019] Let's at least institute a rule.

[1020] Matt Goreley is gone.

[1021] Of course, he's on maternity leave now.

[1022] Because everybody wants to have a baby.

[1023] I think we should institute a rule.

[1024] No food in the podcast studio.

[1025] This is a sacred space where we do sacred work.

[1026] And I think we should respect that.

[1027] And I think you should leave your chewy dips and your chaco health sea salt bars.

[1028] You should leave them out of here.

[1029] And if you need a break and you want to go and have a snack outside the studio, you're fired.

[1030] Oh.

[1031] It's that simple.

[1032] Didn't see that coming.

[1033] Yeah.

[1034] No, you never do.

[1035] Yeah, but you fake fired us like every day.

[1036] So I wouldn't believe it.

[1037] Well, half the time it's been real, you guys just don't pay attention.

[1038] We still get paid, so.

[1039] I know.

[1040] That's the part I haven't quite figured out.

[1041] I'm constantly firing people and then I continue to pay them.

[1042] All right.

[1043] Well, anyway, new rule.

[1044] Do we all agree?

[1045] Yes.

[1046] Oh, my God.

[1047] Unbelievable.

[1048] Wherever you say, boss.

[1049] Incredible.

[1050] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[1051] With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gourley.

[1052] Produced by me, Matt Gourley.

[1053] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solitaroff, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf.

[1054] Theme song by The White Stripes.

[1055] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[1056] Take it away, Jimmy.

[1057] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[1058] Engineering by Will Beckton.

[1059] Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn.

[1060] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode.

[1061] Got a question for Conan?

[1062] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

[1063] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[1064] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[1065] This episode was produced and edited by me, Brett Morris.

[1066] This has been a team Coco production in association with Earwolf.