#99 - Tom Segura

[0] The Joe Rogan Experience.

[1] Ladies and gentlemen, before we even get started, our last podcast sucked.

[2] I want to be honest with you.

[3] Yeah, that was nerve -wracking.

[4] It sucked so much that after it was over, I was like, you know what?

[5] We might have lost a bunch of listeners.

[6] Because if I had just turned into this thing the first time, I'd be like, what is this nonsense fucking mishmash of dumb talk?

[7] This is what we did.

[8] Our friend Daryl was supposed to be over the podcast.

[9] And Daryl's an interesting guy.

[10] He's a guy who went to jail for shooting a crackhead.

[11] And now he's out there on the grind as a stand -up comic.

[12] And he's a young guy.

[13] And I like— Very funny guy.

[14] Very funny guy.

[15] And I like interviewing young guys that are coming up, and I just want to see what it's like.

[16] I mean, I enjoy the stories.

[17] I enjoy hearing about them out there trying to get something together.

[18] Daryl's a little bit self -defeating, but— He's a good guy and he's funny.

[19] He's a very funny stand -up comic.

[20] And he brought over his friend.

[21] And unfortunately, I don't think his friend had ever done a podcast before.

[22] His friend didn't know that he was going to do this one.

[23] And he went into like...

[24] performance on stage get a laugh mode or something oh really like running bits kind of thing well he was like in the beginning it was like trying to like like be like edgy and like angry at things that didn't make any sense like people asking him for money and get get on a bus it was like it was this weird thing like here's what kills me man he just was like it just did not work and brian and i were high as fuck and they were sober yeah and it was like this dumb talk and then trying to like smooth it off like hey hey everybody relax It was like an inner monologue.

[25] His inner monologue didn't work.

[26] Anything he normally thought of when people were talking, he was in the background going, so I had to turn down his microphone half the time.

[27] I don't think he understood how podcasts work.

[28] People think, when they do a podcast, they think they have to get something in.

[29] It's like, if I'm not heard, I'm not doing my part, I'm going to get my stuff in, I'm going to get my stuff in.

[30] How many times have you ever done radio with a comic?

[31] It's such a fake conversation because they're just trying to shove in their bit.

[32] and pretend they just noticed things.

[33] It's fucking kind of gross.

[34] That actually makes me shut down more, too.

[35] Oh, yeah.

[36] Then I just kind of sit there and they're like, are you going to talk?

[37] I'm like, not really.

[38] No, this is already a disaster.

[39] I almost felt like doing that on the last podcast.

[40] Brian's a good guy.

[41] Don't get me wrong.

[42] He wasn't ready for it.

[43] He didn't know he was going to do it.

[44] He probably doesn't know the vibe of the podcast.

[45] He just wanted to do well.

[46] Unfortunately, it was a clusterfuck.

[47] First of all, four people on a podcast is tough action anyway.

[48] The fourth person has to be very good at not chiming in.

[49] I listen to Opie and Anthony a lot.

[50] I love Opie and Anthony, but sometimes they'll have five or six dudes in there and it becomes a disaster.

[51] It becomes like comics stepping on comics and talking in the middle of punchlines and inserting their own punchlines into someone else's story.

[52] That's when you pretty much have to just play with the microphones and go, alright, this person's talking.

[53] That's what I had to do.

[54] Well, you had to do it too because He would talk like while other people were talking.

[55] It was real weird.

[56] I cannot wait to listen to this.

[57] He's a good dude.

[58] He's a good dude.

[59] How would you handle that?

[60] You would be like, hey, man. I would be like, if I was talking, try to talk right now.

[61] So I would be like, anyways, I was talking anyways.

[62] And then.

[63] Yeah, just kill your microphone.

[64] Brian's got the master switch back there, bro.

[65] I just had to.

[66] Oh, wow.

[67] I was listening, and I was getting fucking heart palpitations because it was too many people talking.

[68] Yeah, at the same time.

[69] I had to tell them.

[70] I had to tell them, you guys can't talk over each other.

[71] It wasn't a good podcast.

[72] And, you know, unfortunately, it could have been really interesting if Brian came.

[73] Excuse me. Daryl came by himself.

[74] Because Daryl's stories about prison are fucking weird, man. Daryl's stories about everything are pretty weird.

[75] Yeah, that guy has some stories.

[76] And it could have been real interesting.

[77] And I couldn't get him to get comfortable because his friend was sort of...

[78] It was a big clusterfuck.

[79] So I apologize to anybody.

[80] Normally, I'm very good at controlling who comes on.

[81] I mean, we've taken a few chances before with young comics, like Little Esther and Allison.

[82] It worked great.

[83] It was fine.

[84] I just thought, this kid's trying to be a comic, too.

[85] He's out there doing it.

[86] Like, fucking give him a shot.

[87] Sit down.

[88] Maybe he's cool.

[89] Maybe he's interesting.

[90] It just didn't work out well.

[91] It's probably just nerves, too, right?

[92] I mean, I could see someone being...

[93] Really nervous.

[94] Yeah, it was a bunch of shit.

[95] Wasn't prepared.

[96] He didn't think he was going to do it.

[97] And all of a sudden, he's doing it.

[98] Nerves.

[99] And maybe he's not the right kind of comic for a podcast anyway.

[100] I mean, you know, there's a lot of dudes who, like, first of all, you wouldn't want to see behind the curtain.

[101] You don't want to see that.

[102] Like, Stephen Wright.

[103] Would you want to see Stephen Wright sit down and talk about things?

[104] No. It would ruin his whole act.

[105] Wouldn't it?

[106] Yeah.

[107] It would totally ruin his whole act.

[108] Because his whole act is this weirdo who thinks he's strange things.

[109] Yeah.

[110] It's like when you talk to Gilbert Godfrey offstage.

[111] Yeah.

[112] And you're like, what?

[113] He's the sweetest.

[114] Oh, really?

[115] Is he really?

[116] Oh, that's funny.

[117] Because when he does Stern, he's Gilbert Godfrey.

[118] He's in character.

[119] Yeah, he never breaks character, ever.

[120] Yeah, backstage, though, he's just like, that's very sweet of you.

[121] Really?

[122] I'm looking forward to doing that.

[123] And you're like, whoa, really?

[124] And then he's like, so he is the fucking thing about cunts.

[125] And then you're like, what?

[126] It is 180 degrees away from that.

[127] Complete opposite.

[128] Yeah, when he gets up there, man, he's such a strange act.

[129] It's so bizarre.

[130] And hasn't, like, he's never, I don't think he's ever dropped that.

[131] you know facade whatever that character in front of anybody i mean i've seen him on television for what 20 years or something like more yeah and like it's never and then i did caroline's one time and he was backstage and i was like oh i'm sorry and he's like oh no that's fine like would you like something to drink and i was like sure i kept like staring like so so you're normal yeah and he was like i think he was his wife was about to have or the girlfriend was about to have a baby You know what's real weird, dude, is when you get comics like that and they become their act.

[132] You know, like that happened with Kinison.

[133] That happened with Dice.

[134] You know, a lot of people don't.

[135] We're going to try to get Dice on the podcast.

[136] I'm a big Dice fan.

[137] I know Dice from way back.

[138] But at one point in time, Dice, that Diceman character was only a part of his act.

[139] Right.

[140] His act was, you know, he was Andrew Silverstein.

[141] And he would go on stage and do all these characters.

[142] And then the Diceman was one of his characters that he would do.

[143] I had no idea.

[144] He would do a John Travolta impression.

[145] He does a killer John Travolta impression.

[146] He does killer impressions.

[147] So anyway, he would do this, and then he would do his dice character, but the dice character got crushing laughs.

[148] And so he just dropped everything else, fucked everything off, put everything else to the side, and just went straight dice man. And then he sort of became that guy.

[149] Then when you see him, he's always wearing this crazy leather jacket with studs in it.

[150] Yeah, yeah.

[151] fucking weightlifting gloves.

[152] I mean, he is that guy now.

[153] And talks like, yeah, fuck that shit.

[154] He gave me good advice, man. He was the first guy.

[155] You should do the road.

[156] You should do the road.

[157] I go, okay, thank you.

[158] He goes, yeah, because you're a good act.

[159] You should have been there doing the road.

[160] You sell five t -shirts, each one $500.

[161] This is what he tells me. We were hanging out at the improv.

[162] This is hilarious.

[163] He goes, yeah, I sell t -shirts now.

[164] You know what I do?

[165] I auction them.

[166] I make them auction at the end.

[167] He goes, and I have them up there.

[168] I might have 10 shirts.

[169] That's it.

[170] Oh, 2 ,000 people?

[171] Sorry, 10 shirts.

[172] How much do you want to give me for it?

[173] We got an auction.

[174] Yeah, he goes, I sell shirts, $1 ,000, $1 ,500 for a fucking shirt.

[175] I love it.

[176] He loves it.

[177] He's laughing.

[178] That's crazy.

[179] He was doing shows where he would charge at least $100 a ticket.

[180] Yeah, I heard about this.

[181] At a comedy club.

[182] Yeah.

[183] And sell them out.

[184] And he's like, I don't want to do no big fucking room.

[185] He goes, I do like this.

[186] I make my money.

[187] That's awesome.

[188] $100 a ticket.

[189] To go to a club to see, that's amazing.

[190] It's worth it.

[191] I would go.

[192] Yeah, if I had the cash, yeah.

[193] If I had the cash and it was a hot date, you know, taking some check out, I'm going to pay $100 for Dice tickets.

[194] Dice in a 300 -seater room.

[195] And have a great time.

[196] Yeah, that's pretty cool.

[197] He did it at the Punchline Atlanta.

[198] I know he did it at a few other places, too.

[199] That is, yeah.

[200] Yeah.

[201] What's -his -name also did that with the act, though, right?

[202] The persona was Larry, because he was Dan Whitney.

[203] Oh, Larry the Cable Guy?

[204] He would just do phone -ins.

[205] Right, yes.

[206] That was just a phone -in thing, and that's it.

[207] And then he became his act.

[208] And then he started, like, five stations were like, call in every week.

[209] as this cable guy thing.

[210] And he was like, all right, he'd do, ah, here's the fucking thing about, well, he doesn't curse.

[211] Right, right.

[212] Here's the thing about that.

[213] Yeah.

[214] And then in Gator Dunn and all that shit, and then they're like, keep calling in with that every week.

[215] And it just build, build, build.

[216] And he was like, I'm just going to go on stage like that.

[217] And then I think Foxworthy took him to be his opening act.

[218] Really?

[219] Yeah, Jeff Foxworthy was like, you can be my opening act.

[220] And then everybody at that show was like, we want to wear that guy with the sleeveless shirt.

[221] Sure.

[222] I want to see him.

[223] That's funny, man. By the way, we haven't even mentioned, this is Tom Segura talking about you.

[224] Yeah, that's right.

[225] We just started talking.

[226] Everyone's like, who is this?

[227] You've got to check your iPod.

[228] Who is this guy talking?

[229] It's family.

[230] Yeah, he became that guy.

[231] His name's Dan Whitney, right?

[232] Yeah, from Oklahoma.

[233] You can go on YouTube and look up Dan Whitney, and he's wearing white sneakers and khakis and a blue button -down shirt.

[234] Yeah.

[235] Doing his regular stand -up act from the...

[236] Evening at the Improv.

[237] Yeah, 80s and early 90s.

[238] And you're like, what?

[239] That's Larry the Cable?

[240] That's so weird.

[241] He does arenas, dude.

[242] He does football arenas.

[243] Massive.

[244] I mean, you think Dice is crazy for charging $100 a ticket.

[245] I don't know what they charge at those arenas, but it's probably close to that.

[246] 60 Minutes did a piece.

[247] on Larry the Cable Guy a couple years ago, and his manager was like, look, he will not breathe on a microphone for less than a quarter million dollars.

[248] What?

[249] That's the opening bid for Larry to show up and be like, and then your mama and your cousin.

[250] He won't do Sal's?

[251] He won't do Sal's coming home?

[252] He's not going to be at Sal's.

[253] Ron White would do Sal's.

[254] Yeah.

[255] I hung out with that guy.

[256] Ron White would do sales.

[257] Everyone says that, I mean, I don't know him, but everyone says that Larry or Dan, whatever, is super nice.

[258] So, you know, I don't know what he does.

[259] I bet he is.

[260] But money -wise, that dude is killing it, man. Quarter million.

[261] Quarter million every time he tells a joke.

[262] That's incredible.

[263] It's amazing what that redneck comedy, how popular it is.

[264] What's the other guy that does it?

[265] Bill Engvall and Jeff Foxworthy, right?

[266] Yeah, or the comedy store guy that got the Dodge.

[267] commercials.

[268] John Reap.

[269] Yeah, just from doing those commercials for whatever, he's been selling out just because of like a Chevy commercial.

[270] Yeah, no, it's Hemi.

[271] The Hemi commercials.

[272] Got a Hemi in it, right?

[273] He does really well in a lot of markets.

[274] John Reap does.

[275] He'll sell tickets.

[276] Yeah, he seems like a guy who's not marketed correctly.

[277] It seems like there's so much potential in that.

[278] Why doesn't that guy have some big Comedy Central special?

[279] He does have a special.

[280] Yeah, when's it coming out?

[281] I think it already did.

[282] It already did?

[283] How come that didn't get huge?

[284] That should be huge.

[285] That's more the question.

[286] And I think that that guy should be more of a well -known name.

[287] Yeah, he's been around a long time now.

[288] So it's weird when you see these Larry the Cable Guy type guys, and not many meaning to focus entirely on him, but he's playing a poor guy.

[289] Right.

[290] Right.

[291] He's playing a guy who's like, oh, I'm just simple guy.

[292] Yeah.

[293] It's not even every man. It's below every man. Yeah.

[294] He's playing a poor man who doesn't even have sleeves.

[295] Right.

[296] I can't buy a full shirt, man. Yeah.

[297] He's wearing a shirt that has its sleeves cut off.

[298] And his armpit hair is just flowing out.

[299] I'm assuming that one ripped, and then he said, well, I'll just cut them off both up right here.

[300] I don't care.

[301] I'm an easygoing guy.

[302] less than a quarter of a million dollars.

[303] Yeah.

[304] Yeah.

[305] It's weird, man. Numbers like this, this is where people get into that weird socialism argument.

[306] I had a discussion online and I had to just walk away from the computer because it was a ridiculous discussion where this guy was like, no one should make an exorbitant amount of money ever.

[307] No matter what you do, you should never be able to make an exorbitant amount of money because that's where greed comes from.

[308] That's stupid.

[309] Well, his idea was that there should be a threshold, and you couldn't go over that threshold.

[310] So everything you did was virtuous.

[311] If you did art, you did it for the sake of art. If you did work, it was because it's your chosen profession, and it's what you love to do, and you don't make any more than a certain amount.

[312] Because when people get too much money and too much power, it becomes out of control and it starts to be unfair.

[313] And that's why people look like this Larry the Cable Guy thing.

[314] And you go, wow, this guy is doing – he's got to be making more than a quarter million dollars when he does a football arena.

[315] Oh, yeah.

[316] I bet he's making like a half a million probably.

[317] Oh, I think you're right.

[318] Yeah.

[319] I mean he does football stadiums, like 50 ,000 people, man. Yeah.

[320] So like for some people that are out there – clawing and scratching, they see something like that and they go, that's not fair.

[321] That's too much in one direction.

[322] It moved too much in that direction.

[323] That's the argument for socialism.

[324] Yeah, I see that guy's point to a degree, but it's a very generalized statement.

[325] It's also a very idealistic way of viewing things.

[326] You can also argue that having a lot of money gives you the freedom to do other things that you want to do and open new doors and opportunities and provide opportunities for other people.

[327] Yeah.

[328] You have a lot of trickle -down economics.

[329] Sure.

[330] You can fund other things.

[331] You're a guy with a lot of money.

[332] I'm really interested in...

[333] It could be something from the arts.

[334] It could be from the environment.

[335] It could be science.

[336] I want to fund this.

[337] And you are doing that because you've accumulated so much wealth.

[338] Right.

[339] Like Pete Johansson was on here once, and his argument was that when people get too much money, that what happens is it breeds like a class of elitists.

[340] It breeds like a class that – like he didn't even believe in inheritance money.

[341] Like you shouldn't be able to get all your – like if your grandparents die and they leave you $10 million.

[342] You don't get that.

[343] He didn't think you should get that.

[344] That's crazy.

[345] Yeah, well, he's crazy, but it's that same attitude that looks at people that are doing well and go, well, this system's fucked up.

[346] I do think there's something to be said.

[347] I do think there's something to be said about inheriting extraordinary wealth.

[348] Really?

[349] I do think, I mean, I'm not saying there should be a rule, a law about it, but I do think if you inherit, and I'm saying like you inherit 50, 100 million, like these really...

[350] extraordinary amounts of money, that that can definitely and probably almost always will have an effect of like, you may not go after the thing that really inspires you, your passion, and you might not ever get a sense of accomplishment because really the real world and your dreams and stuff are scary in a lot of ways and going after them can be a scary thing.

[351] If you have the comfort of like, dude, I have $200 million that my grandfather who started gum or whatever, you know, fucking left me. Then you can buy a great house, you can take great trips, you can live on your yacht, and you can just be like, dude, life is awesome.

[352] And that's great, but what would your life have been?

[353] If you had a time machine and there was a guy that you really hated, but he was super successful, the best thing you could ever do to him and have a clear conscience is to make him win the lottery when he was 21.

[354] Yeah, yeah.

[355] Yeah, sorry.

[356] He just won the lottery.

[357] He's like, yeah, man, I'm a winner.

[358] I just won the lottery.

[359] You just lost at life because you won the lottery.

[360] Totally.

[361] That's a true...

[362] If I look back, I played the lottery a bunch of times when I was a kid.

[363] If I had hit it and I had actually won a couple million bucks or something, I would have been a loser for sure.

[364] I would have missed the whole purpose of the whole thing.

[365] I think I would have totally been a total disaster if I'm 21.

[366] Actually, I know I have more sympathy for a lot of these athletes.

[367] They get drafted, and they're basketball, football players, and they blow it.

[368] It's like, they don't know what the fuck is going on, man. They turn 20, and they got, here's a $38 million contract or whatever for you.

[369] And then you hear they blew it.

[370] It's like, well, that dude has never had more than $100 in his pocket before.

[371] He has no idea how to manage money.

[372] He has no idea what to do with money.

[373] Like, he's just like, everybody can have money.

[374] I got so much money.

[375] But at least his money came from something that he did.

[376] That he did, yeah.

[377] But they just don't.

[378] I mean, I feel like a lot of those athletes have no control.

[379] Yeah, they don't.

[380] No, and not only that, you're living off your body, which breaks.

[381] Which breaks, yeah.

[382] It breaks all the time.

[383] You're running and bouncing around on shit, falling down, and you can get hurt, man. They just showed this.

[384] You ever watch Real Sports on HBO?

[385] Sure, yeah.

[386] It's really well done.

[387] Yeah, it's great.

[388] And they had this profile on these football players.

[389] Oh, my God.

[390] Some of them were in the league like 13 years, and they're bankrupt.

[391] Like, no money.

[392] All gone.

[393] And the profile was financial.

[394] One of the guys was a defensive tackle for I don't know how many teams.

[395] Had multiple million -dollar contracts.

[396] We know the other issue is those guys are getting concussions all the time.

[397] That shit is terrible for your ability to think.

[398] Yeah.

[399] Your ability to make rational decisions and concussions.

[400] They just did this one thing on Real Sports where they were talking about Lou Gehrig's disease.

[401] Apparently, Lou Gehrig had been knocked out like a gang of times.

[402] Lou Gehrig's disease, you say, well, it's just some weird disease that this poor guy got.

[403] He's a baseball player, and they loved him, so they named it after him.

[404] No, he didn't just.

[405] get it he got it from playing sports he got it from getting hit with pitches and colliding with people sliding into bases and getting knocked unconscious he got knocked unconscious like a gang of times and he would just go right back into the game and that's where Lou Gehrig's disease come from when you have any sort of when you have like some severe brain trauma when you know your brain rattles around you get knocked unconscious apparently it you know what it does is it produces like Whatever the fuck it does, it eventually leads to a deterioration to the point where your whole body shakes, and you don't have control of things, and your body just stops functioning right.

[406] It just breaks down, which would happen to Lou Gehrig.

[407] That's actually what Stephen Hawking says.

[408] Really?

[409] Yeah, Stephen Hawking.

[410] Yeah, he has Lou Gehrig's disease.

[411] But it doesn't necessarily...

[412] Can it be hereditary?

[413] Yeah, it could be.

[414] Well, they don't know.

[415] I mean, he actually was a boxer when he was younger, too.

[416] There's a lot of shots you take.

[417] Or did he play soccer?

[418] One of those.

[419] Soccer is actually very bad.

[420] I think he was a boxer, if I remember.

[421] He might have been a boxer.

[422] But it could have been from that, and it could have also been from soccer.

[423] Yeah, people forget.

[424] Like, they don't think of soccer.

[425] Like, you can get crazy.

[426] rushed in soccer.

[427] They run into each other a lot and they also...

[428] They kick each other in the head sometimes.

[429] Yeah.

[430] That ball, the impact over and over again of using your head on the ball.

[431] It seems like nothing because it's just a ball but apparently over time they're practicing that all the time and your head's a fucking weapon.

[432] You're taking shots, man. You're getting tagged.

[433] I think in Lou Gehrig's era there was no batting helmets either.

[434] You had this leather stupid hat you would wear.

[435] It's just like 90 miles an hour at your head.

[436] Every ball had a rock in the center of it, tied around with a rope, you know?

[437] It's incredible.

[438] Yeah.

[439] I mean, whatever those fucking baseballs made out of, it's a ball of string.

[440] What do you think of that NFL argument they said, like when this stuff, when they really profiled it this year a lot, you know, all the people were leading with the crown, it's called, right?

[441] The top of your head.

[442] Right.

[443] And so people are like, that is like a fucking missile.

[444] Yeah.

[445] It's a guy who.

[446] runs like a four three who weighs like 225 going and then just launching it into you so like what can we do what can we do and a bunch of people were like why don't we go back to like 1940s style no face mask no face mask that way you will have the incentive is there like you're the fear of like that's how they played right they played for years with no face mask so you're not gonna risk your face you're gonna tackle the way you're supposed to tackle right and not ruin your entire face.

[447] Football's a tricky thing, man, because you can't unbrutalitize it.

[448] You know what I mean?

[449] I mean, it's a brutal fucking game.

[450] These guys are huge.

[451] They're the biggest, scariest athletes in the world, and they're running full clip at each other and smashing into each other.

[452] That's just inherently violent.

[453] Yeah, that's true.

[454] It's like, what are you going to do?

[455] Are you going to make it slightly less violent by them not having a face cage?

[456] I've heard the argument, too, that they should be playing without helmets like rugby players.

[457] Rugby is apparently less dangerous.

[458] But the problem with that is once you already start playing with helmets on, there's a style of play.

[459] Totally.

[460] There's tactics.

[461] You're not just going to change the way you play.

[462] Boxers found that out when they first started fighting in MMA.

[463] It's harder to fight bare knuckle.

[464] It's trickier because when you're boxing, if you have those padded gloves on, you can fuck up and hit the guy on the top of the head.

[465] It doesn't matter.

[466] It's not going to hurt your hands.

[467] But a good punch to the top of the head might break your hand.

[468] It's very possible to break your hand.

[469] When you're punching a guy with bare knuckles, you want to make sure you're getting his face.

[470] You want the soft tissue around the face and jaw.

[471] That's in his eye.

[472] His nose, his jaw, his face.

[473] You don't want to be hitting him up here.

[474] You can break things.

[475] And so they had to adjust their style.

[476] Guys had to realize that you can't have your hands up the same way either because there's no padding there.

[477] You can't just block punches like that.

[478] You have to really cover up.

[479] And you can't play rope -a -dope like Ali style.

[480] You've got to get out of there.

[481] You take too much damage with those little gloves on.

[482] So there would have to be some sort of an adjustment period, but it wouldn't be football anymore.

[483] Yeah, that's true.

[484] They took those helmets off?

[485] A lot of those boxers, though, they really thought that they...

[486] Had it, right?

[487] They were like, well, I'll just go in the ring, MMA style.

[488] Man, these guys got no hands.

[489] I'm going in and showing some hands.

[490] You don't get a chance to show them hands.

[491] Guys who've never grappled literally have no idea how helpless they are.

[492] And the helpless feeling they get is so disheartening because they're so fucking helpless that they don't want to roll.

[493] That's what happens with a lot of strikers.

[494] A lot of strikers, they get into the game as they come in.

[495] I'm a fucking four -time Muay Thai champion looking to fuck some people up in MMA.

[496] And they're like, you're a bad motherfucker.

[497] Come on in.

[498] Take our wrestling class.

[499] Boom.

[500] Over and over again.

[501] Boom.

[502] There's no way he can stay off of his back.

[503] This guy just gets launched through the air.

[504] Every time a wrestler wants to, he gets a single, turns the corner, bang, he's on his back.

[505] He cannot stop it.

[506] And then he goes into jiu -jitsu class.

[507] What happens there?

[508] Strangulation.

[509] Over and over again, he's getting manhandled.

[510] Guys are like taking breaks with their knee on the belly.

[511] because they have him pinned down and he bucks and kicks and moves and they just take his back, choke him, tap him four, five, six times.

[512] It's humiliating.

[513] And that's not who he is.

[514] Who he is is a bad motherfucker.

[515] So there's a graveyard full of fighters that never learned how to get over their ego and learn how to grapple.

[516] A whole shitload of them.

[517] They just decided they're just going to sprawl.

[518] I'm just going to develop a good sprawl and I'm never going to really learn jujitsu.

[519] And they just never could deal with getting tapped out.

[520] Sure.

[521] So all these guys, man, the whole idea of fighting in and of itself, the idea of going in there and fucking taking over another man with your body, it's going to come a point in time with that, just like football.

[522] It's going to be too brutal.

[523] for where we are now.

[524] You know what I mean?

[525] The more we find out, too.

[526] The more we discover, like, no, this is directly correlated to that.

[527] Yes, yeah.

[528] Eventually.

[529] I mean, right now, they're both great.

[530] But a thousand years from now, or whatever the next level of humanity is, we're clearly, human beings are evolving.

[531] I mean, there was an article that I had read just yesterday, I believe it was.

[532] And it's all about human, our DNA.

[533] is mutating as we speak and we're developing 12 strands of DNA.

[534] There's all sorts of fucking crazy evidence that's going on right now.

[535] There's like some child that was born with an extra strand of DNA and it's a terrible birth defect.

[536] Poor kid's all fucked up.

[537] But the idea of evolution and the idea of mutations is that sometimes a mutation is good and it sticks.

[538] Things move forward, and that's literally how things have gone from being simple organisms to being complex organisms like us.

[539] Well, as we get more and more complex, man, we're going to...

[540] There's a lot of shit that we like right now that we're going to abandon, you know, and football and MMA and, you know, race car driving and shit.

[541] We're going to be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, what the fuck are you doing?

[542] So, like, people, there's that argument now.

[543] Like, I've heard people, like, you know, that are upset about MMA and, you know, have read criticisms about me online because I'm involved in this, you know.

[544] Oh, sure.

[545] But I think in this world that we're living right now, in this life, in this existence, it's okay.

[546] This existence, it's not really, it's.

[547] This is what it is.

[548] The whole thing is chaos.

[549] Would it be different, man, if we didn't have MMA, if we didn't have football?

[550] Does it make society more aggressive and more violent?

[551] I don't necessarily think so.

[552] If anything, the way we are right now, so close to monkeys, I think it's a release for us.

[553] I think it helps us get it out of our system without going to war.

[554] If you look at human history, just 10 ,000 years ago is a tiny blink of an eye.

[555] But 10 ,000 years ago, there was nothing but barbarians.

[556] There was nothing but savages.

[557] We were basically cavemen.

[558] That's just a blink of an eye.

[559] And throughout history, all the Braveheart years, there's just war.

[560] man, the Roman Empire, the Greek Empire, the fucking Cretes, the Persians.

[561] There was so much war going on, man. It was constant war.

[562] And now, for the most part, things are pretty civil, except weird things that we do in other countries where the wars are going on, where we ship people over there to fight them.

[563] But in our society, things are way safer, way calmer than they've ever been before.

[564] Yeah, we're pretty civil, sophisticated, especially considering that time gap that you're talking about.

[565] We have a brutal, brutal history, I'm saying, as just human beings to each other.

[566] Dude, just the way that fighting was done, war, even 150 years ago.

[567] I mean, you're talking fucking jabbing bayonets into people, gutting them open.

[568] It's just a brutal way of...

[569] That's not compassion for the person you're fighting, you know what I mean?

[570] Now it's all about kill shot, kill shot, kill shot.

[571] There was a...

[572] Someone tweeted me something about the...

[573] The end of the Civil War was recently.

[574] And the guy said that 2 % of the population died.

[575] Wow.

[576] Wow.

[577] 2 %?

[578] Yeah.

[579] That's incredible.

[580] Yeah, that's amazing.

[581] Stop and think about that.

[582] That's fucking nuts, man. Yeah.

[583] And the way they died is just so awful.

[584] I mean, most of those guys...

[585] Gut shots.

[586] Died in a field.

[587] Slowly bleed out.

[588] Yeah.

[589] horrible fucking infections are taking place and you're not dying.

[590] I watched this Anthony Bourdain special, not special, his show, No Reservations.

[591] It's one of my favorite shows.

[592] I love that show.

[593] And one of them, he was in Arkansas, and they were talking about how many murders happened after the Civil War was over because people would say, they would recognize, oh, there's a motherfucker that killed my brother.

[594] Because the North and the South are right next door.

[595] This fucking, you know, you drive 100 miles, there's where the enemy lives, you know?

[596] And so these people were, like, settling scores, like, for years and years afterwards.

[597] Oh, I never thought about that.

[598] Yeah.

[599] They're still severely bitter about it.

[600] Because you would know, my brother died in Greenville, South Carolina or whatever.

[601] And at that time, they're like, there's 500 people or whatever.

[602] You just ask questions.

[603] Yeah, no shit.

[604] You know Tony?

[605] And they're like, oh yeah, he was over there.

[606] I'll go handle that shit right now.

[607] What a fucking weird war when you're having a war.

[608] That's like North Korea versus South Korea.

[609] I mean, that's a fucking crazy place right now, man. They're looking at each other across this divide, and they hate each other, and they look exactly the same.

[610] Yeah, same people.

[611] Yeah.

[612] I mean, it's nuts.

[613] And one of them is run by a complete, total fucking psychopath.

[614] Total maniac, man. How great was that Team America?

[615] Oh, it's the best, man. They did Kim Jong -il, a little fucking...

[616] You're breaking my balls.

[617] You're breaking my balls, man. You're breaking my balls.

[618] His fucking giant glasses.

[619] Hans, that was the guy.

[620] Hans, why are you breaking my balls?

[621] Why are you breaking my balls?

[622] Can you imagine, man, just shitty roll of the dice?

[623] You were born in North Korea.

[624] Oh, it's the worst.

[625] I think about that shitty roll of the dice all the time.

[626] Do you?

[627] Oh, my God.

[628] I mean, think about even...

[629] In living in, being born in Botswana, right?

[630] Botswana, one in four people, excuse me, one in five, one in five, 20 % of the population is HIV positive.

[631] Whoa.

[632] That's insane.

[633] And you just, you did nothing but just...

[634] You were born there, and that's your...

[635] You know what I've heard, though, in relationship to AIDS in Africa, you know, there are all these statistics about how many people get AIDS in Africa, that a lot of it is not even tested.

[636] It's just their T -cells hit a certain...

[637] They don't even test for HIV antibodies because those tests are very expensive, and that a lot of what they call AIDS is just people that are incredibly malnourished and sick.

[638] Oh, really?

[639] Yeah, and the argument was, it was an article online, that if people are going to call it AIDS and connect it to AIDS, HIV, that there needs to be more stringent testing because otherwise you're confusing people as to why this one area where just coincidentally has an incredibly low nutrition rate means people are malnourished and sick and all sorts of other diseases and pathogens and fly poop, all kinds of shit that fucks with you over there.

[640] And a lot of people are really sick.

[641] I mean, it's a super unhealthy place to be.

[642] Oh my God.

[643] Yeah.

[644] Yeah.

[645] It's malaria.

[646] Everybody, you know, fucking malaria.

[647] Malaria got George Clooney.

[648] How about that?

[649] Yeah, that's right.

[650] We almost lost it.

[651] We almost lost George.

[652] Well, if you get Lyme disease, that shit stays with you forever.

[653] Forever, man. You never cured.

[654] You never cured, right?

[655] And I don't think there's a vaccine.

[656] Is there a vaccine for Lyme disease?

[657] I don't think so.

[658] I think you get it, you're fucked.

[659] It's just one of those things, man. And malaria, he must have had his malaria shot.

[660] Everybody gets a malaria shot before they go.

[661] You have to get a bunch of them.

[662] You can't just get one.

[663] That's crazy.

[664] Dave Foley was on the podcast, and we had a story about Dave, and he didn't even remember it because that poor fuck, when he was getting divorced, he was married to this crazy broad who decided to take her kids all over the world to try to torture him.

[665] So when he was working, he would have to call Bangladesh, and she was there, and then he'd have to fucking fly to Egypt, and she was there.

[666] He'd have to fly all over the world to meet his kids.

[667] Oh, my God.

[668] Yeah, and so he had to take her.

[669] malaria medication.

[670] Well, you're not supposed to drink when you take malaria medication.

[671] And he took malaria medication.

[672] It affects different people in different ways.

[673] And he went fucking loco.

[674] Really?

[675] Dave Foley, nicest calmest, sanest guy ever, like super sweet.

[676] I had to keep him from attacking a producer, like physically attack him.

[677] I had to hold him in place because he was going to attack somebody.

[678] And I was thinking what I was doing, like, man, of all the fucking people, I thought I'd be stopping from hurting somebody.

[679] I was thinking if Dave wanted to hurt somebody, I'd have his back.

[680] I'd be jumping in too.

[681] There's somebody who got Dave so mad that Dave wants to assault him.

[682] Boy, that guy has to be a real piece of shit.

[683] whacked out on malaria medicine.

[684] And you didn't know it at the time?

[685] Oh, I knew, yeah.

[686] Oh, you did know.

[687] Okay.

[688] Yeah, I knew there was something really wrong.

[689] He was just acting completely crazy.

[690] Like, he took this reporter's microphone, the reporter asked him for a quote about news radio, and he grabbed his little tape recorder and stuffed it into his drink.

[691] Just shoved it into his drink.

[692] He goes, there's your fucking quote.

[693] Dave Foley gangsta.

[694] He has no recollection of this.

[695] He might as well have been under a witch's spell.

[696] Oh, that's so great.

[697] He didn't have any idea what was happening.

[698] That stuff fucking whacks you out, man. Because I think, I don't know the way malaria vaccinations go, but with most vaccinations, you're getting a little bit of the inner...

[699] you know, disease.

[700] Yeah.

[701] Right.

[702] Yeah.

[703] I mean, if you get vaccinated for smallpox, I mean, isn't, isn't that how it works when you get vaccinated for the flu?

[704] I know that's how it works.

[705] Oh, all vaccinations.

[706] Yeah.

[707] You're taking like a strand of that.

[708] Is that always the case for vaccinations?

[709] I believe so for vaccinations.

[710] That's the only way that you're, it's tricking your system.

[711] Into developing an immunity for it.

[712] I think so.

[713] Yeah.

[714] That's why like when they would, when they would do the big thing, you know, what is it?

[715] Like 70, 80 years ago was polio, right?

[716] Right.

[717] And they would give people inadvertently polio when giving them the vaccination.

[718] Sometimes?

[719] Yeah, sure.

[720] What percentage?

[721] Oh, very small.

[722] But it would happen.

[723] And you were taking that risk.

[724] And I guess you do take that risk with every vaccination.

[725] Really?

[726] No, I don't think anymore.

[727] I think so.

[728] I think that's why they're filled with mercury and all sorts of other shit.

[729] Really?

[730] Because I remember when that H1N1 vaccination was out.

[731] Some people get sick from the...

[732] Well, they were just like, hey, by the way, right before you get it, this isn't 100%.

[733] It's up to you.

[734] You want to make sure you definitely want this.

[735] Well, no vaccination, I think, is 100%, but also what it does is it weakens your immune system a bit because it makes your immune system fight things off, and then you're vulnerable to other things that aren't protected by that vaccination.

[736] That's also possible.

[737] The human immune system is pretty fucking badass when you think about it.

[738] But what's really weird is that you don't think about what these colds really are.

[739] It's like there's wars going on.

[740] When you're sick, you're dying.

[741] You're in a battle to stay alive right now because you're losing your health.

[742] And that sniffles and coughing.

[743] It seems like no big deal because you've been there before and you're going to be fine.

[744] But the reality is it's a fight.

[745] Your organism is having a fight against a team.

[746] The team is trying to take your body down.

[747] It's really kind of creepy when you think about it, man. Do you know that there's all these strands of colds, and you only get those strands, each strand, one time?

[748] Really?

[749] When you get a cold, and you get a cold the next year, you're getting a different strand of that cold.

[750] Oh, wow.

[751] That's weird.

[752] So you defeat a cold, and you won't get that cold again.

[753] But there's hundreds of strands of the cold.

[754] And that's why there's no...

[755] That's why the common cold...

[756] Yeah, there's hundreds of strands of that.

[757] But it's always that your immune system is compromised in the first place, right?

[758] If there's 100 people that get exposed to the same thing, usually it's not 100 of them that get it.

[759] Oh, yeah, you're right.

[760] Yeah, and 100 of them won't get it.

[761] It's fascinating, right?

[762] Yeah, it totally is.

[763] And I think it's fascinating how we don't even, I don't know, I never question a lot of times what I'm taking.

[764] to fight stuff, you know?

[765] Antibiotics?

[766] Oh my God, antibiotics, any type of medicine.

[767] You've got to be real careful about antibiotics.

[768] You know, do you take the full, when you take them, do you take the full ride?

[769] Like if it says 10 days, you don't quit after five days, do you?

[770] No, I mean, I used to, but now I...

[771] Everybody used to.

[772] Yeah, I used to.

[773] Yeah, that's the worst thing you could ever do, man. Just take the full thing?

[774] Not take it.

[775] Not take it.

[776] Not take it.

[777] Yeah.

[778] Because that's when those superbacterias arise.

[779] Because just like we fight off immune system, our immune system fights off colds.

[780] Yeah.

[781] Well, bacteria...

[782] are the same way.

[783] They fight off anti, you know, medication is trying to kill them.

[784] So when you, when you, what is this, the type of medication that you give you?

[785] What was it?

[786] Like Z -Packs?

[787] Z -Packs, yeah.

[788] When you have those, apparently they get used to it.

[789] Right.

[790] So if you take it for five days, and then at the end of five days, you're like, yeah, fuck these Z -Packs, man. I'm feeling pretty good.

[791] I don't like those.

[792] These things give me the creeps.

[793] But when you put those aside, the stuff that didn't die becomes supercharged.

[794] And then if you try to hit it with the Z -Pack, it's like, bitch, I don't think so.

[795] Oh, wow.

[796] Yeah, it survives it.

[797] Yeah.

[798] So the idea of being 10 days of antibiotics is that when you get through all those...

[799] things like everything that shouldn't be there is dead yeah and including a lot of the good stuff good stuff yeah you kill like your um your endurance is terrible when you're on um antibiotics antibiotics really bad man i i took antibiotics because i had staff yeah and um i was the staff was gone it was only like some little prickly things on my legs yeah you know it was like it wasn't like a big issue it was very small but within two, three days, I would go to the gym, you know, and I couldn't do shit.

[800] Yeah, it wears you out.

[801] I couldn't do shit.

[802] I was just exhausted.

[803] It was like I was drunk, like I was hungover.

[804] Yeah.

[805] You know, it just breaks your whole system down.

[806] It fucks you up.

[807] Yeah, and you have to take stuff.

[808] You have to take probiotics to counteract it.

[809] I didn't know that.

[810] Yeah, yeah, you're supposed to.

[811] They're supposed to tell you that you should take acidophilus.

[812] Really?

[813] Yeah, drink milk, eat yogurt, anything where you have milk culture, acidophilus, healthy bacteria.

[814] There's a bunch of different kinds of healthy bacteria.

[815] Dude, this is the first year in years where I got a call.

[816] And I just let my body naturally beat it like over 10 days.

[817] Oh, really?

[818] Yeah, I've never done that.

[819] What do you usually do?

[820] I go right to the doctor.

[821] I'm like, give me some pills.

[822] Give me something to take care of this.

[823] I had such bad allergies as a kid, especially as a teenager when we lived in Florida, and I would get horrible sinus infections.

[824] It's so miserable.

[825] Not like it's more miserable than anybody else's, but I just feel so miserable that whenever I get some type of sinus thing going on, I'm like, I've got to cure this somehow.

[826] But this year, I just...

[827] went through the whole process and it was like, I'm getting worse.

[828] I'm getting worse.

[829] I feel like shit.

[830] And then you kind of, you know, you make the turn.

[831] Then you're like, I feel a little better today.

[832] And eventually just by drinking tons of fluid and, you know, vitamin C or whatever, and just taking care of myself sleeping 10 days, it took me to beat a cold.

[833] So for normal, a cold, you would go to a doctor for a cold.

[834] Oh yeah.

[835] If I, if I, if I have a sinus like clogged and I'm like, there's any like color at all in my mucus.

[836] Dude, I call, hey, can you see me right now?

[837] Can I come in right now?

[838] Wow.

[839] You sound like a pussy.

[840] Yeah, I am.

[841] I am.

[842] I'm a big old pussy.

[843] I hate that shit.

[844] I always was just like, I was always told if you have color in it, that's it.

[845] Yeah, it's an infection.

[846] So I'd see a little bit of color, and I'm like, I'm gone.

[847] I'm like, I'm taking care of this.

[848] Do you take vitamins and eat protein?

[849] Never.

[850] I should, right?

[851] Nah.

[852] Do you take a lot of vitamins?

[853] You take a lot of vitamins.

[854] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[855] Vitamins are good for you, man. You're not going to get enough.

[856] Unless you're super diligent about your diet, you're not going to get what you need from your food.

[857] You're just not.

[858] It's going to make a big difference.

[859] There's this shit called Pepsid AC that I used to take a lot.

[860] What is it?

[861] For heartburn, stomach acid, and stuff like that.

[862] And recently, for the last couple months, it's just been gone.

[863] And so there's this whole weird thing about it where Johnson & Johnson is saying that there was a couple packages during the...

[864] during the manufacturing that were punctured by mistake and they had to do a mystery or they had to pull all the packages you know recall recall but it's been months and people are like not buying it because you know if something happens and you use it like that it's pulled but you know they make it and it's thrown back out so then i was talking to this other person uh whose doctor said that that it's been if you take pepsi they see it like blocks something Like, what's that?

[865] Potassium or something fucked up.

[866] I've been trying to find it online.

[867] I don't know what it blocks.

[868] But they were saying, like, no. They found out it did something really fucked up.

[869] And so they pulled it from the shelves.

[870] I personally have not been able to find it for, like, three months.

[871] You can't find it.

[872] Well, what did they say in that article?

[873] What does it say it does?

[874] Well, this article I'm reading now is saying the mysterious disappearance of Pepsodacy Complete.

[875] And it talks about, like, what they are saying to recall.

[876] But then they're also saying, dude, something's not right.

[877] Somebody's fibbing about this whole thing.

[878] And there's, like, this whole.

[879] conspiracy about pepsi dac so i don't know what the whole story is but uh i've been hearing things left and right and i know if they had a manufacturing problem it's not gonna be out gone for three months pepsi dac is like it's a lot of money they're losing yeah how long do you think they can keep up that though if there's something up right you know you can't what are you doing over there well i guess sorry i guess i guess reading something i guess johnson and johnson do this phantom recalls all the time where they actually hire people to go into stores and buy all the shit you know that's in a store like they'll hire a company to go into a store and just buy everything.

[880] As opposed to doing a public recall.

[881] It's called a phantom recall.

[882] Whoa, that is some gangster fucking crazy shit.

[883] Whoa, I never heard of that before.

[884] That should be illegal.

[885] That definitely should be illegal.

[886] Hey, politicians, these same fuckheads that made online poker put down all those sites this week.

[887] Unbelievable.

[888] You fucking incompetent cunts.

[889] The fact that those bankers are running around, after I watched that Inside Job movie, I've been...

[890] crazy for the last month.

[891] The bankers are running around with hundreds of millions of dollars in bonuses for banks that failed.

[892] But yeah, let's go after people playing poker.

[893] You know, there's a lot of people, thousands of them in this country that played online poker for a living that are fucked down.

[894] Yeah, yeah.

[895] I know.

[896] It's insane, man. It's crazy.

[897] Fucking criminals.

[898] And do you know about this, I forget the exact terminology, but do you know that, like, we obviously have this horrible deficit, right?

[899] Yeah.

[900] It's insane.

[901] I don't even understand it.

[902] It's so massive.

[903] Do you know that, like, a bunch of...

[904] corporations, all the major ones, they do this thing.

[905] Somebody will probably find it.

[906] It's called the Irish loophole.

[907] Irish is in the term somewhere.

[908] If you funnel it through, it's legal.

[909] It's totally legal.

[910] If you set this up, then you don't pay taxes on that money.

[911] And if they just made that practice not legal, then each of these massive companies would be obligated to pay billions more than they do.

[912] But because this thing is set up and they go, it's legal, you can do it.

[913] There's no objection to it.

[914] What is this called?

[915] Some Irish loop tax.

[916] If you type in Irish tax loophole.

[917] Well, you know, General Electric.

[918] It's crazy, man. Do you know the story, the uproar about General Electric?

[919] General Electric made who knows how many fucking billion dollars, $14 .2 billion in profits in 2010.

[920] They paid zero in taxes.

[921] That's amazing.

[922] It's insane.

[923] It doesn't make any sense at all.

[924] And then we go, how can we get money to pay?

[925] I'm not even saying to rip them off.

[926] How about just making them pay whatever the minimum is in taxes for that kind of profit?

[927] Here's what's really crazy.

[928] This is where it's really criminal.

[929] The CEO of General Electric, this guy named Jeffrey Immelt, I -M -M -E -L -T, he advises the president on business.

[930] Oh, yeah.

[931] What the fuck?

[932] This is insane.

[933] These fucking people, this is what gets really crazy.

[934] These fucking people that are involved in regulation, and this is what you learn from that movie Inside Jobs and from Matt Taibbi's articles.

[935] These people that are involved in regulating all these trust funds and these bankers and all this corporate bullshit that's going on, they eventually get jobs working in that industry, which is incredible.

[936] Yeah, that whole documentary shows you all those people that you're like, what?

[937] They're all the right -hand men to the presidents.

[938] And then when they're done serving the public, they go to be lobbyists for corporations that will pay them crazy money who they can now really use the inside connections that they have from having been in public.

[939] Do you understand lobbyists?

[940] Do you understand how that works?

[941] I mean, on a very basic level.

[942] I wouldn't say that I'm...

[943] Yeah, me too.

[944] It's one of those things where I don't even look into it because it makes me upset.

[945] I look and I go, what the fuck is that?

[946] The basic description just sounds so creepy and manipulative and illegal.

[947] It's hard to believe that it's legal.

[948] It's just the weirdest fucking loophole in the system ever.

[949] You pay these people.

[950] Look, the UFC has had to deal with a lot of lobbyists in trying to make MMA legal.

[951] And I've had some...

[952] conversations with Dana White, where Dana White, you know, just pulled me aside.

[953] He goes, if you fuck, this is his exact words, if you knew how this fucking system really worked, you'd want to jump out a window.

[954] Yeah.

[955] Have you knew how corrupt it really is?

[956] He goes, it's fucking nuts.

[957] And it's nuts and it's everyone, you know, most people are ignorant about it.

[958] They don't understand.

[959] I mean, me and you, I mean, we're talking about it.

[960] We're here complaining about lobbyists.

[961] I mean, if I had to give a speech right now on what a lobbyist is, you know, it would sound a little clunky.

[962] Check this out.

[963] From 2007 to 2010, just Google alone saved $3 .1 billion.

[964] in taxes by using the double Irish tax loophole, which takes its profits through Ireland and then through the Netherlands and then off to a haven in Bermuda.

[965] And it goes down to its foreign tax rate down to 2 .3%.

[966] It's basically saying they're getting the tax benefit of not being an American company is essentially what it sounds like.

[967] It's called double Irish or Dutch sandwich.

[968] Do you realize that's three?

[969] billion dollars that essentially they should have paid in taxes that we're saying you don't have to because you funneled it.

[970] And it's totally legal.

[971] And Google is one of hundreds of companies that do this.

[972] Dude, that's basically the solution.

[973] Like, to our deficit.

[974] Nah.

[975] No, it's not the...

[976] I know what you're saying.

[977] But it's a huge chunk.

[978] Yeah, it would be something.

[979] Yeah.

[980] Microsoft's also done it.

[981] It says Facebook is moving in this direction also.

[982] And Apple, Oracle, IBM, they all do it.

[983] That's a lot of money, man. The system is so fucking corrupt.

[984] That's a lot of money.

[985] I don't...

[986] What is the fix?

[987] How do you fix something that's so...

[988] It's entangled in bullshit.

[989] Like, the whole foundation of...

[990] the financial system that we operate under, the whole foundation is bullshit.

[991] Money's not even based on a thing anymore.

[992] It used to be your dollar was supposed to represent a dollar's worth of gold.

[993] Now it's just like confidence.

[994] How the fuck do you fix this?

[995] Like you said, the system is such bullshit.

[996] It's almost like fixing the political system.

[997] Have you had any faith in politics?

[998] You know what I mean?

[999] Then you get older and you hear the same thing.

[1000] You're like, oh, this is all a huge bullshit show.

[1001] There needs to be common sense laws.

[1002] There needs to be a guy going, seriously, this is bullshit.

[1003] I know it's a law, but fuck you, Google, pay us this money.

[1004] There has to be a common sense law where it's voted by just 10 normal guys going, yeah, that's fucked up.

[1005] You know what I mean?

[1006] But the thing is, the reason that these things...

[1007] become law and you go, that's impossible, that's legal, is because somebody has worked to essentially pay off in a way, like I'll give you these benefits if you make this legal.

[1008] And then a politician who legally goes about making that practice legal.

[1009] You know what I mean?

[1010] Common sense tells you that shouldn't be legal.

[1011] But enough people surround these guys and here's the incentives that you'll get from this.

[1012] There's some incentive going back to them.

[1013] And then you make this legal thing.

[1014] It's crazy, man. It's crazy.

[1015] But if you could fix it, what do you do to fix it?

[1016] I mean, look, obviously there has to be some sort of a financial system.

[1017] There has to be some sort of a system of government that runs us.

[1018] How the fuck?

[1019] How would you fix this thing?

[1020] You would almost need somebody who had extraordinary wealth and power to go about things like, I'm not about making it easier for my...

[1021] my level to get more rich and powerful.

[1022] I have a good conscience.

[1023] I'm going to do what's right, which is like almost a fairy tale.

[1024] Clean house.

[1025] And they'd shoot that guy right in his fat, stupid head.

[1026] Sure, they would.

[1027] And then they would have an orgy in money.

[1028] But didn't you...

[1029] Use his blood and they would pour it down the mouth of the hookers while they bang him in the ass.

[1030] Yeah.

[1031] Chop their heads off and go bowling with them.

[1032] Once he was dead, they would go crazy.

[1033] They would become ogres.

[1034] Yeah, they got to be dead immediately.

[1035] Didn't I?

[1036] What were you saying?

[1037] I had kind of like this...

[1038] I was sort of almost fantasizing in a way when Obama was going to take office.

[1039] I was like, this is like a different, this is going to be a new thing.

[1040] And I thought it was kind of awesome.

[1041] It's the first time I actually registered to vote during the elections.

[1042] I never voted before that.

[1043] And, you know, I mean, the reality is that you go, oh, no, it's the same.

[1044] It's worse.

[1045] It's always the same practices.

[1046] He's played more golf in one term in his three years than Bush had in eight years.

[1047] Maybe Bush wasn't a golfer.

[1048] I could play golf in 30 years.

[1049] Here's one of the things that I fucking hate.

[1050] Here's one of the things that I hate.

[1051] All these Democrats that aren't saying a fucking word about us going to Afghanistan, us bombing Libya, us...

[1052] all the crazy shit that we're doing overseas, they would be screaming bloody murder if there was a Republican in office.

[1053] People would be losing their fucking mind.

[1054] They would be calling him a killer.

[1055] They'd be camping out on his lawn.

[1056] But because of the fact that he's a black guy and because he's a Democrat, for some reason people are disappointed, but they're not speaking up as if the evil empire is in motion.

[1057] It's all playing those teams, man. That's what this presidency made me realize, is that it's just, you know, he's going to say whatever he's going to say.

[1058] Everyone who's in his party is going to support it.

[1059] And I hate equally the bullshit criticism you always hear from another party, no matter what choice is made.

[1060] Whatever he said that day, the president's just full of it again.

[1061] The Rush Limbaugh's over the world.

[1062] Man, this is...

[1063] Here we go again with the dog and pony show.

[1064] Yeah, and you're like, really?

[1065] Yeah, and people love to have an ideology that's easy to follow.

[1066] People love to have, like, Megadillos, Rush Megadillos.

[1067] You're a part of this whole thing.

[1068] You think a certain way.

[1069] You smoke a cigar.

[1070] You play golf.

[1071] You do Rush Limbaugh -type shit.

[1072] There's something appealing about that to a lot of people.

[1073] So these fucking cunts, that's how they make their living.

[1074] They make their living appealing to a weakness in human nature to want to be a part of a pack.

[1075] That whole world is so depressing to me. The talking head, like Rush Limbaugh or Ann Coulter.

[1076] That whole world is like, oh, fuck, man. Ann Coulter depresses the shit out of me. Oh, my God, man. You hawk -looking, evil cunt.

[1077] She's a horrible, horrible human being.

[1078] I don't understand how so many people like her.

[1079] Like, Bill Maher likes her.

[1080] My friend, Ann Coulter.

[1081] I'm like, whoa, your friend is responsible for putting out so much negative energy.

[1082] Hatred, yeah.

[1083] Hatred and negative energy.

[1084] Yeah.

[1085] And the way she does it, it's like she's a professional troll.

[1086] She says a bunch of shit that she doesn't even really believe just to try to get attention.

[1087] And then that becomes so depressing that you're like, oh, you figured out that if you say really awful shit, it'll grab headlines.

[1088] And then you'll go, instead of going back to what you think, you go, I'll just say more awful.

[1089] horrible shit like yeah well the kids who have cancer love having cancer and you're like what like what kind of crazy shit are you talking about she's a professional troll yeah just to get a headline yeah i mean i think once you make a million bucks you don't have to keep doing that stupid if you don't have anything else to say then you know then you're useless you're in the way take some time to write something meaningful Come back.

[1090] Speaking of horrible shit and writing something meaningful, Tommy Buns got in trouble in Melbourne, Australia.

[1091] Oh, yeah.

[1092] Tommy Buns was over there for the Melbourne Comedy Festival.

[1093] Yeah.

[1094] And Tommy and I did Sydney two years ago?

[1095] It was about two years ago?

[1096] Yeah, it was 2009, yeah.

[1097] What a fucking great time we had there, huh?

[1098] That was a good time.

[1099] Goddamn good town.

[1100] Shut that shit down.

[1101] Shut that shit down.

[1102] We went into a bar.

[1103] We got there two days early, right?

[1104] So we didn't have the show the first day.

[1105] We got there.

[1106] We went to the movies.

[1107] That was all good.

[1108] Went to the Apple store.

[1109] That was fun.

[1110] And then somewhere along the line, we went, let's just go get fucked up.

[1111] Let's get fucked up.

[1112] And we decided, like, we decided, let's just go get fucking smashed.

[1113] So we pulled up to this bar.

[1114] We went to this bar, and I just started buying shots for everybody.

[1115] I spent thousands of dollars just buying shots.

[1116] When he says everybody, I mean literally every human being that was in a fucking five -block radius.

[1117] I was high -fiving people.

[1118] You want in on this?

[1119] You want in on this?

[1120] Come on, motherfucker.

[1121] They loved it, man. We had a great time.

[1122] Yeah, it was fun.

[1123] For hours and hours, we were laughing and fucking dancing and singing and doing shots.

[1124] blitzkrieg the next day that was very hard to do the show the next day oh yeah my head was a sponge i bet yeah that was rough and not to mention we would go to like first of all you have the jet lag the craziness of flying over there yeah we stay out till like six or seven in the morning and then the next day he had to be somewhere Maybe weigh -ins or something?

[1125] Yeah, a few hours later.

[1126] A few hours later.

[1127] And then we did the same thing after the show.

[1128] Yes.

[1129] We were eating street food.

[1130] It was fucking great, though.

[1131] We had a great time.

[1132] So anyway, when we get there, Tommy, we're laughing.

[1133] Did we have the best trip on the plane?

[1134] Uh...

[1135] I don't remember.

[1136] Maybe.

[1137] Either way, by the time this rolled around, by the time Showtime rolled around, we were fucked.

[1138] Okay?

[1139] And Tommy starts laughing about how there's so many white people here.

[1140] And then he comes up with this joke.

[1141] Yeah.

[1142] And he does the joke on stage.

[1143] What is the joke?

[1144] The joke is basically that the flight is so long.

[1145] that I thought I had died.

[1146] The flight goes on so long, I was like, I think I'm dead.

[1147] Feels fake.

[1148] Yeah, it feels fake.

[1149] Like, how could you still be flying?

[1150] I think I'm dead.

[1151] And I asked Joe, am I dead?

[1152] He's like, no, you're not dead.

[1153] And then we walked off the plane, and I saw all these white people, and I was like, well, if I'm dead, at least I know I'm in heaven.

[1154] And the crowd was totally into it, too.

[1155] And it's a pretty, like, it's, I don't know, it's a joke that I would never think you have to explain to somebody.

[1156] Like you get the joke, right?

[1157] Like it's not so crazy that you're like, whoa, whoa, what do you mean?

[1158] Like, you know, it's pretty.

[1159] Because you hate black people.

[1160] That's the joke, right?

[1161] So, you know, anyways, we did this show in Sydney.

[1162] I'm back a year later.

[1163] I open with the same joke, right?

[1164] Except I don't say Joe because you're not there and that would be weird.

[1165] But I do the joke.

[1166] People laugh.

[1167] It gets a good response.

[1168] And then I do a second joke.

[1169] And this joke is definitely harsher.

[1170] But no, but I think...

[1171] Okay, the next joke was that...

[1172] Unlike the other Yanks they were going to see, I've prepared myself for my time in Australia by immersing myself in your culture before I got here.

[1173] So I've been drinking Fosters.

[1174] I've been going to Outback Steakhouse for authentic Australian cuisine.

[1175] And I've been talking to Mexican people.

[1176] And I said, I think Mexicans are our equivalent of Aboriginals.

[1177] Well, they drink a lot and they're super lazy.

[1178] Is that the right thing?

[1179] Just like that, right?

[1180] Everybody's like, that gets more of like a ooh, which when I did a version of that at your show, it got an applause break that was like 10 seconds long.

[1181] Like a crazy applause break.

[1182] Different crowds.

[1183] Different crowds.

[1184] But regardless, the joke there is not that I'm like, it's not me saying something mean.

[1185] The joke is I know that's your opinion of them.

[1186] That's the joke.

[1187] Right.

[1188] Right.

[1189] Like it only makes sense because I know as white Australians, that's what you guys say about aboriginals.

[1190] That's the joke.

[1191] Right.

[1192] Like that's how that works.

[1193] Right.

[1194] So anyways, it gets like a, Oh, kind of like, that's crazy.

[1195] And then right away, whatever, back to the set, everything goes fine.

[1196] Great crowds.

[1197] I get off stage and we have like a, like a festival show, like a handler who like works for the staff.

[1198] And he's just like, Hey, can I talk to you?

[1199] like for a second and i'm like yeah she's like so that was pretty crazy and i was like what was pretty crazy like i don't even know what you're talking about she's like the aboriginal thing whoa and i was like are you serious right now she's like yeah like that's a very sensitive subject here and i was like yeah i mean i figured i figured as much and she's like well You know, like, you could really divide the room.

[1200] And I'm like, yeah, like, I know how jokes work, you know?

[1201] Like, I know exactly what went on there.

[1202] And, like, it's not like I got, like, a boot or something, you know?

[1203] Like, it's pretty standard to do jokes like this.

[1204] She's like, well, if you could, you know, I don't know if you want to keep doing that.

[1205] And I'm like, are you serious right now?

[1206] Like, this is, like, the first time that somebody, I feel like I'm explaining myself for a joke since, like, high school.

[1207] like when high school when a teacher how old was this chick that you were talking to older than me in the 30s And like late thirties maybe.

[1208] And was she just like super liberal?

[1209] Yeah.

[1210] And I could tell that she, it was, it was coming.

[1211] She was like reporting for like a higher up that, that became kind of clear.

[1212] And I was like, uh, like, you know, when you're not in comedy or something and you say something like that, then you kind of have to explain yourself.

[1213] Like, you're like, uh, yeah, sorry.

[1214] Like, you know what I mean?

[1215] Like, you know, like that's just how we talk or something.

[1216] But like, I'm at a show.

[1217] I was just on stage.

[1218] I wasn't buying a drink at the bar.

[1219] It's a joke.

[1220] Yeah.

[1221] It's a joke.

[1222] Like that was, I thought that was over and they're like.

[1223] well, if you could, it would be great if you didn't do that joke.

[1224] And I was like, are you serious right now?

[1225] And they're like, yeah.

[1226] And I was like, I was like, you know, I know how to do these.

[1227] Like there's an inherent risk in saying a racist joke, but like, you know, there's like a tension moment.

[1228] And then if you have a joke, like that's the punchline.

[1229] Like people understand it's a joke.

[1230] Like 99 % of people have done jokes way harsher than that.

[1231] And people don't go, why'd you say that?

[1232] Like that they understand in the context of performing it's a joke.

[1233] Right.

[1234] So I'm like, all right.

[1235] Uh, yeah, I guess, I mean, I didn't even, that night I was just like, you know, I didn't even say that I wouldn't do it again.

[1236] I was just like, yeah, no, I, you know, I'll think about it.

[1237] And they were like, uh, okay.

[1238] And then afterwards I see the, The festival people, I can tell that they're not happy with me. You can just tell by reading body language.

[1239] Flicking you off.

[1240] No, they're just kind of like, hey.

[1241] And then they see the other people like, hey, what's up?

[1242] To the people on my show.

[1243] And I was like, hey, they're mad at me. Oh, so they're going out of the way to be nicer to people around you.

[1244] Yeah, right in front of me. Right in front of you.

[1245] And I was like, this is weird.

[1246] I've done clubs, obviously, where like.

[1247] they might not be 100 % on board.

[1248] They might not be fans of yours, but they always have your back.

[1249] They're like, you say whatever you want.

[1250] You're a comic.

[1251] These people were just kind of looking down and just blatantly letting me know that I'm not on board with what you're doing right now.

[1252] And I was like, this is crazy.

[1253] So the next day I go, and we're about to do the show, and they're like, oh, that's great, so you're not going to do that joke, right?

[1254] Wait a minute.

[1255] Oh, that's great.

[1256] That's how she starts off the sentence?

[1257] No, just like, hey, how's it going?

[1258] I'm like, great.

[1259] So have you thought about not doing that joke?

[1260] And I was like, look, I won't do the joke tonight, okay?

[1261] I'm going to do a different opening.

[1262] And I'll just do a different series of jokes.

[1263] And they're like, okay.

[1264] And then when I get off stage, they're like, that's so great.

[1265] And we're so glad that you've dropped it from your set.

[1266] And I'm like, ah, I didn't make the agreement.

[1267] I just didn't do it on this show.

[1268] We have 10 more shows to go.

[1269] But they were like, no, no, no. It's great that you're done with it.

[1270] We're so glad that you're done with it.

[1271] And I was like, really?

[1272] Then there was a newspaper article after the first show.

[1273] Did you bring it?

[1274] Yeah.

[1275] That's what you got right there?

[1276] Yeah.

[1277] But, like, this just shows you, like, how the difference...

[1278] I think there's a huge difference between, like, what we're used to seeing comics say and do on stage, especially regarding race.

[1279] I feel like race is, like, even though every country has their own issues with race, we're way more comfortable in comedy clubs with comics doing race as a subject matter.

[1280] You know, we're around it.

[1281] Some guys are really harsh with it, but the actual topic is more open here.

[1282] So the day after the first show, this guy wrote, Tom Segura opened with some essentially racist material with which he might have been deliberately attempting to offend.

[1283] If the audience was offended, they soon forgave him.

[1284] Blah, blah, blah.

[1285] Some topics were hacky.

[1286] What was hacky?

[1287] The midget gag, he wrote.

[1288] But he has a nasty edge, rarely seen in Australia.

[1289] So you're like, all right.

[1290] Then he further comments in the comment section of his own article, like, yeah, he's still doing...

[1291] I've heard that he may not be doing the bigoted material anymore.

[1292] And I'm just like, the guy clearly didn't get, like...

[1293] that either of those were jokes.

[1294] Like, they took them...

[1295] Yeah, but you're saying, like, it's a joke, and that all of a sudden that forgives you from the sentiment of the statement.

[1296] You know, I mean, just because it's a joke doesn't mean it's still not offensive.

[1297] It is a joke, but it is still offensive.

[1298] It can still be offensive, but I think that he also didn't understand that the joke really is more like...

[1299] Every comic that I told it to there was like, you should keep doing that joke.

[1300] And then I spoke to, like, friends of mine that were locals that are not comics.

[1301] and told them the one about lazy, and they're like, oh, that's so true, that's so true, because that's what we all say that about them.

[1302] It's more like they're not accepting the fact, I mean, not the audience, that the staff was more not accepting the fact that I'm saying something that is true and that that could hurt feelings, but it's true.

[1303] Well, you're saying true in that they're lazy.

[1304] No, not that they're lazy, but that's the perception.

[1305] Right, but that's also a very racist perception because if you know the history, I didn't know this until I did Rudy Hill.

[1306] When I did the last shows that we did in Australia, the woman who worked for the booking agent explained to me why people are so sensitive about Aborigines.

[1307] They used to steal their babies.

[1308] They used to take their babies from them and make them.

[1309] make them raise them with white families, steal their fucking children to try to incorporate them because these people were not adapting to the Australian way of life that the white people were living.

[1310] And then like these poor people, they don't know what the fuck they're doing.

[1311] So they went and took their babies, man. And they did this shit for years.

[1312] So these poor fucking people grew up without their own children.

[1313] That's horrifying.

[1314] It's terrifying.

[1315] Yeah.

[1316] But it's like, they're just like American Indians in the way that, you know, American Indians being displaced by, you know, the white man moving in and taking over the old ways of life.

[1317] What'd they do?

[1318] They wound up being defeated and drunk.

[1319] And, you know, I mean, that's like the classic stereotype of the American Indian being drunk and angry.

[1320] Well, that's exactly what's going on with these aborigine people.

[1321] Yeah.

[1322] But I'm not arguing that like, it's anything other than, other than the fact that they're trying to tell me. that I'm just being racist.

[1323] Like, that's the part that I take issue.

[1324] I'm not taking issue with any other part of that.

[1325] Not that it's, you know, you should laugh at it or that it's funny or that it's insightful.

[1326] But the fact is...

[1327] that they're getting upset that I'm saying something about their perception of their own people.

[1328] Right, but you're saying it as if it's...

[1329] As a whole country, like they all have that perception.

[1330] It's like saying the Mexicans to us, but yet to me, I might not have any problem with Mexicans, or I think they're lazy, but you're saying it as a whole country.

[1331] But the problem is that it's a widely held perception, and they're not acknowledging that.

[1332] I'm offended I'm leaving.

[1333] When they're talking that way with me. But just because...

[1334] No, no, no, I don't necessarily agree with that, because I think even though they...

[1335] It's not that they don't acknowledge it.

[1336] They don't agree with it.

[1337] They don't think it's something that you should be talking about and picking on those people.

[1338] I can see their point of view, man. I really can't.

[1339] It's a joke.

[1340] I know it's a joke.

[1341] It made me laugh.

[1342] I thought it was funny when you said it.

[1343] Look, I don't mind offensive jokes.

[1344] I like them.

[1345] I think they're funny.

[1346] I love guys that say shit that I know they don't even believe.

[1347] Norton is a perfect example.

[1348] Half of his act is horrible, insulting.

[1349] Racist or...

[1350] I should say racist.

[1351] It's not really racist.

[1352] But it's horribly insulting shit.

[1353] But I know that's what he's doing.

[1354] But I take issue with the fact that I'm being...

[1355] They're sort of classifying this as what I said, as the equivalent of an internet...

[1356] No, Brian, don't bother shutting that door while you flush the toilet.

[1357] It's fine.

[1358] Break through the microphone.

[1359] It'll be interesting.

[1360] Add some background noise.

[1361] They're qualifying what I'm saying as the equivalent of, hey, here's a racist internet joke.

[1362] I'm shitting on them.

[1363] But I do feel like that the joke is really more about...

[1364] I'm not saying you don't have to agree with my perception of it, but the joke is that it's not that...

[1365] I'm actually making the joke on the Mexican person that's not fair to them.

[1366] But the equivalent I'm saying is you guys think that of Aboriginals.

[1367] And you can say that, like, well, not all of us do.

[1368] But it's a widely held perspective among white Australians.

[1369] Right.

[1370] Okay.

[1371] How is that any different than doing a black people are lazy joke?

[1372] How is it any different than black people?

[1373] Mexicans don't have feelings.

[1374] How is it any different?

[1375] What you're saying is you're implying that these people are lazy, right?

[1376] I'm not trying to break down the material, but if someone said a really racist joke about black people, about black people being lazy and welfare and this and that.

[1377] It's basically the same thing.

[1378] It's a racist joke, and it will appeal to some people.

[1379] It doesn't mean that it's a widely held belief.

[1380] It's just that it's acknowledged that there's a lot of people that do feel that way.

[1381] And if you say some really fucked up racist joke, there's a certain percentage of the population that's going to laugh at that.

[1382] How is that any different than making fun of these aborigine people?

[1383] Well, I mean, again, in the joke that I said, I'm saying that I spoke to Mexicans.

[1384] I think they're like aboriginals.

[1385] Well, they drink a lot, and they're super lazy.

[1386] That's your, in my mind, that's your perception of them.

[1387] Right.

[1388] So it's more like I'm highlighting to you the truth.

[1389] It's some people's perception of them.

[1390] Right.

[1391] But for me, I'm saying that that's the truth that I see in you about those people.

[1392] So I don't see it as, I guess in my mind, I'm not seeing it as, hey, I'm calling them lazy and drunk.

[1393] I'm saying I know that you call them lazy and drunk.

[1394] Well, look, here's my point.

[1395] I think it's funny and I think you should keep saying it because guess what?

[1396] A lot of them are fucking lazy and a lot of them are drunk.

[1397] They think it's sad and they think it's racist because these people are downtrodden and it's really a fucked up situation and they're right too.

[1398] They're right too, but they're also like, hey, don't joke about that thing that we feel bad about.

[1399] Right.

[1400] It's kind of what I'm being, is what I feel like.

[1401] And then, well, the other, the second part to this is that like five days later, the same guy who, reviewed me that first night, wrote an article called Racism or Political Correctness Gone Mad.

[1402] And it's an article where he writes, he's like, he starts off talking about an episode.

[1403] Oh, well, he says, I can't hide from this relationship.

[1404] It's my responsibility to deal with it.

[1405] I mean, what kind of man would I be if I ran off now?

[1406] Well, you'd be a black man. That's the answer.

[1407] And it's from an episode of The Family Guy.

[1408] So he starts writing that like the joke is like Stewie's like saying, you know, if you left now, what would you be?

[1409] I'd be black.

[1410] Like a guy that doesn't take care of his kids.

[1411] Right.

[1412] So that was the joke.

[1413] And then he starts examining like that type of material.

[1414] And then he brings up yours truly by saying.

[1415] He's like, it came to mind last week when Tom Segura opened the show by declaring how great it was to be in Melbourne because there are so many white people here, which is not what I said.

[1416] I said it was like heaven.

[1417] And then he went on to making a joke comparing Aborigines and Mexicans, which I won't repeat here.

[1418] And then he says, the audience gasped but still seemed to enjoy the rest of his set where he ranted against stupid people and blah, blah, blah.

[1419] What surprised me the most was that a couple audience members I spoke to afterwards had completely forgotten about the opening line.

[1420] Because they apparently didn't hold on to that as much as he wanted them to.

[1421] But to his mind, I was deliberately trying to shock the audience from the outset.

[1422] I don't believe he's actually racist.

[1423] but I think he was doing something that's considered fine on the U .S. comedy circuit.

[1424] U .S., so are we too sensitive here in Australia?

[1425] Jokes on race are probably the last remaining taboo in Australian comedy.

[1426] It's a free -for -all for pretty much any other thing, pedophiles, incest jokes.

[1427] And then his own take is that in some parts of the U .S., namely New York and California, they seem to move into a post -political correctness era, while middle America is still stuck in pre -political correctness.

[1428] And he also goes on to talk about the right to free speech and playing a part in our doing this.

[1429] But I don't really think...

[1430] That writer sounds like a moron.

[1431] Yeah, I don't think that's accurate at all.

[1432] But I do think that the article at least asked the question that I kind of wanted the other people on the staff to ask, which was like, are we being hypersensitive to something?

[1433] I clearly touched a nerve in a few people that worked there.

[1434] With that joke?

[1435] If you can't touch nerves in comedy.

[1436] Then what are you doing?

[1437] You're taking so much off the table if you can't touch nerves.

[1438] I think so, too.

[1439] It's like saying, I want to go see a movie, but I want no violence and no sex.

[1440] Please tell a nice story.

[1441] Yeah, it's called Rated G. Look, I enjoy a good violent movie.

[1442] And rappers have had this argument for years.

[1443] How is what they're doing different than the movie Scarface?

[1444] They're not providing fictional entertainment?

[1445] That's what they're saying.

[1446] They're saying they're providing entertainment.

[1447] They're giving you an outlet for this kind of shit.

[1448] And look, man, especially when you've got a couple of drinks in you, some inappropriate, ridiculous, off -color jokes are hilarious.

[1449] Sure, yeah.

[1450] What's wrong with that kind of entertainment?

[1451] It's what makes me laugh.

[1452] And I've got to say, I don't just do race material, but I always do something usually involving race.

[1453] It's just part of something that I always find inherently interesting and funny.

[1454] And I usually, I feel like the context of it being in a joke, though, does make it somewhat different.

[1455] Like, I joke about it on stage.

[1456] I joke about it on Twitter.

[1457] I joke about it in real life.

[1458] And there is a line.

[1459] And there's definitely a hateful line, I feel like.

[1460] And a line, I mean, it's everyone's own line.

[1461] It's subjective.

[1462] But I just feel like that there is a place to say, well, like...

[1463] that these are jokes.

[1464] Do you feel like as you get more famous and more known for your comedy, that maybe you're going to have more of a responsibility to balance it out?

[1465] Yeah.

[1466] Like you'll have like a black joke, but you better have some white people jokes in there too.

[1467] Oh yeah.

[1468] Well, the thing that I've found the most is that when I go out and I do like a full show, a full hour show, I've never had anybody really say anything.

[1469] Cause usually what people say is like, Hey, when you shit on whatever, uh, I would have gotten mad, but you, you give it out so evenly.

[1470] I feel like you made fun of Mexicans.

[1471] And yourself, too.

[1472] And myself.

[1473] All the time.

[1474] You made fun of everything, therefore it's cool.

[1475] If you do a shorter set, you're much more...

[1476] I mean, you think about it.

[1477] We were only doing 20 -minute sets on this thing.

[1478] The 20 -minute set, those two jokes that I told you, one of them, I mean, the white people one, it blows my mind that somebody would be offended by that, that they really couldn't get that that's a joke.

[1479] Those two things took 45 seconds to tell, and they still stood out.

[1480] Again, I don't think that it's not that they can't tell that it's a joke.

[1481] It's just they think that the sentiment is mean.

[1482] Yeah, no, that comes across to me. Racism doesn't exist, for one.

[1483] This is something that Dale Wright told us last week.

[1484] Not for tickling, player.

[1485] Do you think if you would have done the jokes, you would have been fired from the tour?

[1486] If what?

[1487] If you would have continued to do the jokes all 10 shows, do you think you would have been fired from the tour?

[1488] The thing that stood out to me the most isn't even this article or anybody's review or anything.

[1489] It's that that staff was so disapproving of what I had said.

[1490] Well, they're artsy types.

[1491] Big time.

[1492] They're festival people.

[1493] Yeah, I mean, artsy festival -type people, man, that's always going to be something.

[1494] To answer your question, yes.

[1495] I think I would have been asked to leave.

[1496] Fucking comedy festivals are a hard time, too, man, because you never know what they're into.

[1497] The people, they might be into alternative comedy, and they might think that the type of stuff you're doing is too crass or too mainstream.

[1498] you know, a lot of people who are comedy nerds, like really, I mean, it's like people who are only into the pixies.

[1499] Yeah.

[1500] I mean, if I'm in your car, you put on the pixies, I'm going to go, what the fuck is this?

[1501] And why are you making me listen to it?

[1502] You know what I mean?

[1503] What?

[1504] You're too cool for the doors.

[1505] Yeah.

[1506] Yeah.

[1507] You're, you're too cool for, um, would you have done that?

[1508] Continue to do the jokes.

[1509] They would have said the same thing to you.

[1510] I wouldn't have done the joke in the first place.

[1511] It's not my style of comedy.

[1512] Right.

[1513] I would have done it.

[1514] I would have done something different.

[1515] And if I felt like I liked it, yes.

[1516] Yeah.

[1517] I would have done it.

[1518] Yeah, for sure.

[1519] I mean, there's a lot of people that I like that have jokes that I laugh at, but I wouldn't do.

[1520] That's one of them.

[1521] Have you recently had a club or anything tell you, like, hey, we don't want that shit?

[1522] No way.

[1523] Not if you move tickets, dude.

[1524] If you sell tickets, they're like, hey, you want to jerk off on the front row?

[1525] I'm not causing riots.

[1526] No one's lighting the tables on fire.

[1527] They don't care.

[1528] It's been a long time since I had anybody.

[1529] Mitzi Shore was the last person to tell me not to do a joke.

[1530] Really?

[1531] Yep.

[1532] What was the joke?

[1533] Ann Nicole Smith.

[1534] I used to do this joke about Ann Nicole Smith's husband.

[1535] Hilarious.

[1536] Because she married this billionaire.

[1537] And everybody was like, oh, it's so terrible.

[1538] She's just using him for his money.

[1539] I'm like, don't you think he fucking knows that?

[1540] This guy made a billion dollars from scratch.

[1541] Chances are he's a tad crafty.

[1542] There's this whole bit about him getting her to do the most ruthless shit for her money.

[1543] Because he was dying on his deathbed, and Mitzi did not like it.

[1544] Because he was an old man, and she's an old woman.

[1545] She just didn't like the idea of old being so disgusting.

[1546] She's like, that joke's terrible.

[1547] You gotta stop doing that joke.

[1548] I go, Mitzi, it kills.

[1549] It's my closing bit.

[1550] She goes, I don't like it.

[1551] Don't do it.

[1552] She literally told me not to do it.

[1553] Did you not do it again?

[1554] I didn't do it when she was in the room.

[1555] Yeah.

[1556] She was there.

[1557] I didn't have to do it.

[1558] I used it as an exercise.

[1559] I said, all right, good.

[1560] I'll close with something else because she's here.

[1561] For the record, I love Aboriginal people.

[1562] I just want to put that out there.

[1563] For the record, I have no idea what they are.

[1564] No, I should tell you this, though.

[1565] You know the whole story of Australia?

[1566] It's really fascinating.

[1567] It is a fascinating story.

[1568] I know about them being a prison country.

[1569] Yeah, that's the story.

[1570] It's an amazing, beautiful country, but only along the coast.

[1571] The center is death.

[1572] The center is just poisonous snakes and fucking crocodiles.

[1573] Dude, it's an enormous geographic country if you look at the size of it.

[1574] Right, right.

[1575] 20 million people live in Australia.

[1576] Wow, really?

[1577] It's a continent, right?

[1578] Yeah, it's a continent, yeah.

[1579] Yeah, I mean, it's really a country, but it's a continent.

[1580] It's enormous, yeah.

[1581] Yeah, it's huge, but it's all people around the edges.

[1582] So there's nothing in the middle.

[1583] Well, there's just death.

[1584] Death.

[1585] But anyway, these aboriginal people were there first.

[1586] And when the Americans, or the English rather, when they sent over their prisoners, then these new people integrated.

[1587] It's really fascinating when you're there.

[1588] You look at all these incredible buildings.

[1589] This all started off with some fucking poor people on some boats.

[1590] Some poor shitheads, some outcasts sent out of England to a way better spot.

[1591] Way better than England.

[1592] I mean, what were they thinking, man?

[1593] They sent people to somewhere.

[1594] The weather is gorgeous.

[1595] The views are incredible.

[1596] It's beautiful.

[1597] I mean, England is just fucking dour and gray and rainy and Seattle.

[1598] Yeah.

[1599] You know, you'd go there.

[1600] Isn't Australia have, like, the most strip clubs per, like, Kappa or whatever?

[1601] Really?

[1602] There's just tons of strip clubs.

[1603] I got to tell you this, though.

[1604] The people there are awesome.

[1605] Oh, yeah.

[1606] And I'm not just saying, like, the...

[1607] I mean, on the streets, wherever you go, everybody is super helpful, very friendly.

[1608] And the audiences, like you know from doing the audiences, we did like 12, 13 shows.

[1609] Amazing.

[1610] Like they were literally just the best audiences you could ask for was every night.

[1611] Every night was just like, holy shit, that was fucking awesome.

[1612] Every show was like that.

[1613] Every show.

[1614] Really great.

[1615] Sydney, I've only been there twice, but both times are fucking incredible.

[1616] Again, it's not just going there.

[1617] It's not even just the show.

[1618] It's just the people in general.

[1619] Yeah, white people.

[1620] They're great.

[1621] Australia is pretty sweet.

[1622] It's a nice spot.

[1623] It's one of those few places outside the United States where I would think about living.

[1624] Really?

[1625] Yeah.

[1626] Yeah.

[1627] It's just some fucking crazy nuclear meltdown here in America.

[1628] Somebody launches off a dirty bomb.

[1629] You know, you could do, look, Arch Barker is killing it over there in Australia.

[1630] Dude, he is fucking crushing it.

[1631] He's Dane Cook over there.

[1632] Yeah.

[1633] He's their version of Dane Cook.

[1634] He was doing, I got to hang out with him a couple times.

[1635] He's doing, like, the thing about that festival is you do, like, a run, right?

[1636] Like, you do.

[1637] this many two weeks that we did two weeks and there was two other, and there was another show that replaced ours for the remaining two weeks.

[1638] Arge does like the month.

[1639] He does the whole festival, 1500 seater, like 25 shows in a row with like a day off, like twice.

[1640] And that's incredible.

[1641] Sells out like 1500 seater.

[1642] That made like 25 times in a row.

[1643] That's incredible.

[1644] That's amazing.

[1645] Yeah, he just hid over there somehow or another.

[1646] He's huge.

[1647] I mean, then you see him on the plane when you're watching movies on the way.

[1648] It's Arch Barker comedy specials.

[1649] Yeah, I saw that.

[1650] Yeah, you see him.

[1651] If you're in your room, you turn on the TV, you see Arch.

[1652] It's amazing how a guy would just become super popular in another country like that.

[1653] Yeah.

[1654] Eddie Iff does really well in Australia.

[1655] He does, yeah.

[1656] But it fucking bites him in the ass, man. He doesn't like it.

[1657] Not that he doesn't do well over there.

[1658] He loves that.

[1659] But for some reason, he's not like that over here.

[1660] Right.

[1661] It drives him crazy.

[1662] Sure.

[1663] So he's over here.

[1664] Now he's spending a lot of time over here trying to put it.

[1665] He's a funny guy.

[1666] Totally, yeah.

[1667] I think it's fascinating that Jim Jeffries, right?

[1668] Super funny.

[1669] Massive in the UK.

[1670] Massive in the UK.

[1671] Big here.

[1672] Does really well.

[1673] Sells out venues all the time.

[1674] Doesn't even go to Australia, which is his home country.

[1675] And he, he did, they told me he did a gala.

[1676] They do this gala, a big show to launch the festival.

[1677] So what they do is they have like 28 comics.

[1678] Everybody has three minutes and they broadcast it nationally.

[1679] Like, like a quarter of the population of the country sees this, this gala event.

[1680] And Jim did one where he did.

[1681] He just did a three -minute thing, and his opening joke was about how he got in the car with a girl, and the girl was like, hold on one second.

[1682] I've got to make a phone call.

[1683] She calls.

[1684] She's like, hey, yeah, I'm taking this guy home.

[1685] What was your name again?

[1686] He was like, it's Jim Jeffries.

[1687] She's like, oh, it's Jim Jeffries.

[1688] So if anything happens to me, Jim Jeffries, Jim Jeffries, okay?

[1689] And she's like, sorry.

[1690] He just had to do that because I don't really know you.

[1691] And he goes, oh, that's fine.

[1692] It's just going to make this rape a little awkward.

[1693] That was like the joke or something along those lines.

[1694] The place went like, silent, like fucking deathly silent, and then they were like totally turned off by him, and he had like a terrible run, and he just doesn't even go back to Australia.

[1695] From one show?

[1696] I don't know if it's just that.

[1697] I'm saying I think he had a bad experience.

[1698] He's got a bit of a complex, because I was talking to him, we were at the improv, and he's like, I can't even fucking sell tickets in Australia.

[1699] He was really mad.

[1700] Yeah.

[1701] Yeah, he was really mad.

[1702] I think a lot of that has to be the fact that he's...

[1703] oddly enough, more successful in the bigger markets.

[1704] Like UK and United States, he's bigger.

[1705] So what, the Australians don't like him for that, you think?

[1706] I don't know what it is, but I think maybe now, like if he's become more of a name outside, he can go back and do well.

[1707] But I just find it interesting that that's clearly the third market in that tier, in that group.

[1708] And you would think that a guy who's had the success that he's had, he's really huge in the UK.

[1709] pretty big name here, that he doesn't go back, like, he can't go back there.

[1710] Who the fuck knows what people like, you know?

[1711] It's probably the whole USA is super cool thing, too, going on, you know?

[1712] Like, where you have, like, an American person going to Australia, that's what's popular about it, because they're American, you know, American comic.

[1713] You know, kind of like how Japanese people like Levi's, you know?

[1714] It's not because Levi's is awesome, it's like American.

[1715] I wonder, because Arge lives there now.

[1716] Yeah.

[1717] You know?

[1718] He, like, moved there, you know?

[1719] Tommy, wake up.

[1720] Sorry.

[1721] You motherfucker.

[1722] I was reading something.

[1723] You keep doing that.

[1724] No, just twice.

[1725] It's brutal.

[1726] Sorry.

[1727] Oh, Tommy.

[1728] Tommy.

[1729] Don't you know.

[1730] We're in the middle of breaking down the Arge Barker scenario.

[1731] Arge Barker.

[1732] I think that Jeffries is hilarious.

[1733] He's a funny dude.

[1734] Maybe they find him embarrassing over there.

[1735] Really?

[1736] Maybe it's just too much of what they are.

[1737] Maybe they don't like it.

[1738] Maybe they don't like that mirror on themselves.

[1739] Russell Peters, or not Russell Peters, what's the guy that's married to Katy Perry?

[1740] Russell Brand.

[1741] Is Russell Brand big in the UK?

[1742] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1743] He does, like, the O2 arena.

[1744] You want to see some bad stand -up?

[1745] Watch his DVD.

[1746] Oh.

[1747] Really?

[1748] Oh.

[1749] Pretty bad.

[1750] Terrible.

[1751] Oh, he's going to open mic -er.

[1752] I couldn't believe it.

[1753] I mean, repeating punchlines and shit.

[1754] Like, you already said that.

[1755] Yeah.

[1756] And it wasn't a good one in the first place.

[1757] Like, punchlines that were, like, right out of, like, some Evening the Improv sketch.

[1758] Yeah.

[1759] Which is not good comedy, man. He's a great actor.

[1760] He's really funny.

[1761] He's a funny actor, yeah.

[1762] I loved him in that Sarah Marshall.

[1763] Yeah, he was great in that.

[1764] But that's the problem.

[1765] Every character is that character.

[1766] That's what I hate about it.

[1767] Every movie he's in, it's the exact same character.

[1768] Jack Nicholson.

[1769] You think he's the same in every movie?

[1770] 90 % of the movies.

[1771] Do you like his character?

[1772] Love it.

[1773] Love the character.

[1774] Yeah, me too.

[1775] I don't mind him.

[1776] I don't mind him being the same guy if he's really awesome at it.

[1777] Yeah, he's awesome at it.

[1778] Clint Eastwood, how many times did he play the same guy?

[1779] A hundred.

[1780] He's awesome at it.

[1781] It doesn't bother me. That Russell Brown guy's awesome at it.

[1782] He's hilarious.

[1783] Yeah.

[1784] Stand up sucks a bag of dicks, though.

[1785] I heard his book is awesome.

[1786] Really?

[1787] Really?

[1788] Yeah.

[1789] He's got stories.

[1790] That's the guy who has fucking stories.

[1791] Yeah.

[1792] Yeah.

[1793] He's quite a character.

[1794] Yeah.

[1795] Yeah.

[1796] You know, I don't know what the fuck it is, man, between Americans liking English people and English people liking Americans.

[1797] Is it just something different?

[1798] I guess it is, right?

[1799] Yeah.

[1800] You always look at the grass is always greener.

[1801] Are you a big fan of British comics?

[1802] No. No. Not me. But music.

[1803] Music you do.

[1804] I like a lot of British music.

[1805] Yeah.

[1806] Yeah.

[1807] But like British comics, it doesn't work with me for some reason.

[1808] It doesn't hit.

[1809] There's something about, I don't know, I can't break it down, but there's just something that like the majority of British comics just don't, even though they're like, this guy is fucking amazing.

[1810] It just doesn't.

[1811] What about British comedy shows?

[1812] There have been some fantastic ones.

[1813] I think that, I still think that the British office is just like.

[1814] Perfect television.

[1815] That show is amazing.

[1816] My favorite British comedian is Jeremy Clarkson.

[1817] He's not even a comedian.

[1818] Oh, really?

[1819] The guy's hilarious.

[1820] He's the guy who's the guy on Top Gear.

[1821] Oh, yeah.

[1822] The main guy on Top Gear.

[1823] Yeah.

[1824] Fucking hilarious.

[1825] He's really funny.

[1826] That's funny.

[1827] That's the guy that reviewed you.

[1828] No. That's the guy.

[1829] No, I had to.

[1830] I think that's the name, right?

[1831] Yeah, that's who they used.

[1832] They compared me to him.

[1833] Really?

[1834] Because he says a lot of rude shit?

[1835] He said that shit about Mexicans on his show.

[1836] You heard what he said.

[1837] What did he say about Mexicans?

[1838] Oh, yeah.

[1839] They got in big trouble.

[1840] Big trouble.

[1841] What happened?

[1842] They said they were reviewing a car, and I guess the car was yet to be made or something, and it's going to be from Mexico.

[1843] And he was like, well, I'm sure that car will be a real piece of shit because Mexicans just sit around.

[1844] They're super drunk.

[1845] and they don't really do anything, so that car will probably be just like that.

[1846] People were like, oh, my God.

[1847] And the Mexican consulate was like, we're going to fucking pull our embassy out of there.

[1848] You guys need to apologize.

[1849] That's hilarious.

[1850] I support you, Jeremy.

[1851] Sensitive.

[1852] Wow.

[1853] I think it kind of went on a little bit.

[1854] Like he kind of hit the point a few more times.

[1855] This weekend I was in Solvain, which is north of Santa Barbara.

[1856] It's like a wine country.

[1857] And there was no black people there.

[1858] Like none.

[1859] Zero.

[1860] And we were talking about it the whole weekend.

[1861] How crazy.

[1862] We were actually trying to play a game to try to find the first black person there.

[1863] And we're just sitting there in our car.

[1864] And we're kind of buzzed and stuff.

[1865] And suddenly this black guy just knocks on my door.

[1866] And I'm like, oh shit, here it goes.

[1867] What the fuck?

[1868] Why is he knocking on my window?

[1869] And he goes.

[1870] excuse me, you have a tree branch under your tire.

[1871] Let me get this for you.

[1872] I'm like, oh, thanks.

[1873] I was so freaked out.

[1874] Wow.

[1875] You're a mess.

[1876] You don't see them for a while.

[1877] Yeah, yeah.

[1878] They pop out and knock on the window.

[1879] This is what Jeremy Clarkson said about Mexicans in his column.

[1880] Mexico doesn't have an Olympic team because anyone who could run, jump, or swim is already across the border.

[1881] But what did he say on that show?

[1882] Is that what it says there?

[1883] Yeah, but here's some fucking whack -ass shit.

[1884] Some comedian attacked them.

[1885] Some comedian named Steve Coogan.

[1886] Oh, he's a big British comic.

[1887] Is he?

[1888] Yeah.

[1889] He attacked them, calling them a bully because of what they said about Mexico.

[1890] Come on, man. That's weak shit right there.

[1891] This is one other thing I've got to tell you.

[1892] And this, I feel like, is 100 % true.

[1893] That's an example of it.

[1894] It's only white people that are ever offended.

[1895] for people like i've said offensive things at shows before that in my mind whatever it's in the context of the joke or whatever and like the same joke that a black guy has hugged me for i'm gonna give you a fucking hug after this show that shit was hilarious man i've had white people uh Right.

[1896] So you can say jokes about white people, but black people won't get offended at you saying those jokes about white people.

[1897] But if you say jokes about black people, white people will get offended.

[1898] Right.

[1899] If you say jokes about black people, white people will get offended for them.

[1900] And that same black person or Mexican person or whomever.

[1901] We'll be like, that was a funny joke.

[1902] Maybe.

[1903] Maybe.

[1904] Some one or two.

[1905] Right.

[1906] But the point is, you could say a joke about white people, and black people will never come up to you and go, you're fucked up.

[1907] Oh.

[1908] You shouldn't have never done that.

[1909] Never, never, never.

[1910] Yeah, tricky, right?

[1911] And most of the time, though, when you do jokes about race, though, it is a minority person that is not offended by it.

[1912] Right.

[1913] Like that, that applauds it in some way, like whatever the, here's the, you know, I got the joke.

[1914] I like the joke.

[1915] White people though, love to tell you how offended they are for that group.

[1916] You know, I'm so, I'm so, that's not okay.

[1917] It's like, really?

[1918] You're telling me that you have some vested interest in.

[1919] Defending a group that you are not a part of.

[1920] You're offended for them.

[1921] This Steve Coogan guy annoys the fuck out of me. What did he say?

[1922] This is what he says.

[1923] The lads talking about Jeremy Clarkson and James May and Richard Hammond on the show.

[1924] They're funny guys, man. They say funny shit.

[1925] Yeah, they do.

[1926] And they shit on each other.

[1927] They call each other idiots and imbeciles all the time.

[1928] Like, you know, Jeremy Clarkson was driving a car.

[1929] Like, look at him.

[1930] He's basically a baboon.

[1931] You know, like they're constantly shitting on each other.

[1932] That's the show.

[1933] So this is what this moron says.

[1934] This is this Coogan character who just called him a bully.

[1935] He said, the lads have this strange notion that if they are being offensive, it bestows upon them a kind of anti -establishment aura of coolness.

[1936] In fact, like their leather jackets and jeans, it's uber conservative, which isn't cool.

[1937] The fuck are you talking about?

[1938] You're saying what's cool and not cool.

[1939] First of all, shut up, stupid.

[1940] Yeah.

[1941] You know, you're telling people what's cool and what's not cool.

[1942] Get anti -establishment because they like to be offensive.

[1943] They like to be offensive because it's funny, stupid.

[1944] Yeah, that's the whole thing.

[1945] And if you're not offensive, you're not offensive at all, I bet you're not funny.

[1946] Yeah.

[1947] I bet you're not.

[1948] I bet if this is what you're attacking, a funny joke about Mexican swimmers, jumpers, and fucking runners, you're going to write an article about this to defend Mexico?

[1949] You fucking shitbag.

[1950] It's also like inappropriateness.

[1951] is why is is what's funny you know if you're all the time yeah of course i enjoy it i enjoy it and i'm a nice person but i enjoy a good mexican joke but just like i enjoy a good white people joke yeah you know look if you've got some funny shit to say about anybody yeah come on with it anything is cool you know calling someone a bully he's a stupid looking fuck took look at him and the picture says unimpressed steve coogan Oh, no. I'm unimpressed with you, dummy.

[1952] Getting mad at Jeremy Clarkson, you fuck.

[1953] He's the greatest fucking export you people have ever had.

[1954] He's jealous.

[1955] He is jealous.

[1956] He's hating.

[1957] He's trying to get attention, and he got it.

[1958] He got it from everybody, including me. I'm a fool.

[1959] I played right into his hand.

[1960] God damn it.

[1961] He knows what he was doing.

[1962] Man, I have a real hard time with anybody who has mock...

[1963] you know, mock upset, you know, I got into a real fucking serious, like almost like a fight with this bartender in New York once.

[1964] Cause he was trying to pretend to this woman, you know, that he was like some super fucking defender, feminist sort of a guy.

[1965] And it was about OJ Simpson.

[1966] You know, they were talking about OJ Simpson.

[1967] And we were sitting around talking, and it was me and the waitress were talking, and the bartender kind of chimed in and cock -blocked to shut me down.

[1968] But she was saying how well he beat the shit out of his wife.

[1969] I go, well...

[1970] I go, he did something where they had a restraining order against him.

[1971] I go, but that doesn't mean anything.

[1972] When people are breaking up, people do nutty shit.

[1973] You never know.

[1974] And then so the fucking bartender leans over the bar like he's scolding me and said, he pleaded no contest.

[1975] Do you understand what that means?

[1976] That means he beats women.

[1977] And he did it out of nowhere.

[1978] We weren't even having a conversation.

[1979] All I'm saying is that sometimes when relationships go bad, man, people accuse people of all kinds of crazy shit to get custody of the kids to get more money to get you know to to put the the balance of power on their side and when it comes to you know the legal proceedings that's all i was saying was that like yeah you never know what the fuck's going on when two people break up because i've seen some nutty shit myself and this motherfucker leaned over the counter to like to scold me, to be Captain Save -A -Ho in front of this girl.

[1980] And I was like, wow, if you're really upset at me over this, there has to be something else.

[1981] I must have done something to you before, which I hadn't.

[1982] I never even saw the guy.

[1983] Or you're Captain Save -A -Ho.

[1984] You're that asshole.

[1985] That's what you're going to do.

[1986] You're going to pretend that you're really super sensitive and cool, and that's why people like you.

[1987] Being super sensitive is not helping anybody, man. That shit ain't helping anybody.

[1988] I actually kind of subscribe to the idea, too, that I don't really believe in at least comics being offended by things, like finding things offensive in jokes, like on stage.

[1989] I have a kind of a problem with, like, you know, there was a joke there where, like...

[1990] I don't know.

[1991] Somebody told another joke about a separate thing, but the person was like, I wouldn't be cool with that.

[1992] And I was like, well, you're essentially, when you say that, you're saying everything else is cool.

[1993] You can talk about all these other things, but you can't talk about that.

[1994] I think it's more uncomfortable with fat jokes.

[1995] Just because it seems like that...

[1996] Because you're fat?

[1997] Well, no. Because I've seen people in the audience...

[1998] No, no. I mean, because I have fat jokes and I feel uncomfortable saying it is what I'm saying.

[1999] Because I've been in audiences before where I've seen the audience just sit there and just like hold their head like they're fucking sad because they're thinking about how fat they are.

[2000] Oh, right.

[2001] Yeah, you're allowed to shit on fat people way too easy.

[2002] I mean, it's obviously their own fault because they're the one who ate the food.

[2003] Right.

[2004] But still, you're still, it's like, how is it any different than shitting on poor people?

[2005] That's sort of their fault too, right?

[2006] They have been alive on this earth X amount of years.

[2007] It's their job to accumulate enough money to not be poor.

[2008] But yet, you shit on poor people.

[2009] It's in very poor taste.

[2010] It feels awful.

[2011] But you shit on fat people.

[2012] They're both people who have been in a bad circumstance and made bad decisions.

[2013] Probably.

[2014] But yeah, fat people, nobody backs them up.

[2015] Yeah, I don't like doing it.

[2016] I guess I just, I think like, I mean, if you're across the board, some people don't like jokes that they feel like have a mean edge or nastiness behind them.

[2017] But some people are like, are fine with like, let's say, I don't know, a Mexican joke.

[2018] They'd be like, oh, that's cool.

[2019] But then they'll be offended by, you know, the fat joke or something like that.

[2020] Or an abortion joke.

[2021] Oh, abortion's a huge one.

[2022] Right.

[2023] But it's like, really, you're going to, like, so should the show cater to you?

[2024] Is that essentially what you're asking for?

[2025] Are you going to dictate the terms of the show now?

[2026] Well, that's a real problem.

[2027] People don't know who you are before you go up there.

[2028] If they get into the Tom Segura mindset and they listen to your podcast devoutly and then they come to see you at a show and they know what they're getting.

[2029] They're there for the fucking Tom Segura show.

[2030] They know your style of comedy.

[2031] But if they have no idea who the fuck you are and you just do some show somewhere and you show up, then it's like, well, who's this Tom Segura?

[2032] You're a guy.

[2033] Why is he shitting on aboriginals?

[2034] Right, right, yeah.

[2035] You know?

[2036] Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[2037] I mean, and I think, like, the big thing was, like, doing, like I said, when you do, like, a full show, and people almost are never...

[2038] upset because they see the full thing.

[2039] They had the whole meal.

[2040] You know what I mean?

[2041] Right, right, right.

[2042] I see what you do.

[2043] Like you said, you make fun of yourself.

[2044] You make fun of all these groups.

[2045] It's kind of like you can't really say, like, I'm offended because you're being selective about the one thing.

[2046] Right, right, right.

[2047] You give it evenly.

[2048] You give it across the board.

[2049] Yeah, yeah.

[2050] And you sort of see that there's nothing sacred.

[2051] No subjects are sacred.

[2052] Yeah.

[2053] I mean, you have to have people that get fucking heated with things that you say, right, all the time.

[2054] Not necessarily.

[2055] Really?

[2056] Pretty easy going.

[2057] Yeah, I mean, I've had a few people get upset at me at some of my gay jokes.

[2058] Oh, really?

[2059] That's a big one?

[2060] But I used to have this whole thing about defending it.

[2061] Like, I have no problem with gay people.

[2062] But you can't tell me it's not funny when guys want to fuck guys.

[2063] It's just funny.

[2064] Did you get upset about that?

[2065] Yeah.

[2066] Well, I did this whole bit about Brokeback Mountain that was one of my favorite unintentional comedies ever.

[2067] Because I fucking, and this is true, I laughed my ass off in that movie.

[2068] I thought it was really funny.

[2069] All the sex scenes.

[2070] Yeah.

[2071] And people were, I've had people tell me that the bit is homophobic.

[2072] And I'm like, it's not homophobic because homophobia is phobia.

[2073] It's like you're saying you fear gay people or you have a hate towards gay people.

[2074] It's a lot of times interpreted that way.

[2075] It's not.

[2076] not saying that you don't think it's funny.

[2077] Yeah.

[2078] No, I have no fear, no hate.

[2079] Right.

[2080] But you can't tell me things aren't funny.

[2081] Look.

[2082] Everyone's funny.

[2083] Physical defects are funny.

[2084] I have a friend who's seven foot tall.

[2085] When I stand next to him, I look like a child.

[2086] That's funny.

[2087] I mean, it's funny.

[2088] It's funny because I'm short.

[2089] I mean, it is funny.

[2090] I mean, there's no getting around that.

[2091] When I watch two guys kiss each other, I think it's fucking hilarious.

[2092] I don't think you should stop doing it because I think it's funny, and I'm not going to mock you openly.

[2093] I'm not going to roll down the window, kiss some more, you fucking queer.

[2094] I was in...

[2095] Hollywood, leaving the Comedy Store, and I was going towards Santa Monica Boulevard.

[2096] I was going down to...

[2097] jerry's deli to get some food and you know that area where la cienega is and santa monica is like boy's town yeah yeah yeah everything to the right everything west yeah everything west is as gay as can get man and there was these fucking two guys and they both had their hands on each other's belt loops like crisscrossed yeah i you know he had his hands on one guy and the other guy and i i'm sitting in the car and they're rubbing crotches together and like sort of leaning back embracing each other by rubbing dicks together and i'm like Whoa.

[2098] And then they started kissing.

[2099] And I swear to God, I had to roll up the window, man. I had to roll up the window and I'm biting my lip.

[2100] It's hilarious.

[2101] It's funny.

[2102] It doesn't mean you should stop doing it.

[2103] Right.

[2104] Enjoy the fuck out of it.

[2105] Do whatever you want to do.

[2106] But you can't tell me that all sorts of things are funny.

[2107] All sorts of things are funny, even if they make you feel uncomfortable because you don't like the fact that people think it's funny that you like to fuck guys.

[2108] But it is funny, man. It is.

[2109] There's a funny video you need to watch.

[2110] You'll laugh your ass off.

[2111] It's called Vampire Boys.

[2112] It's a movie about these vampires.

[2113] And they're all gay.

[2114] I'm laughing already.

[2115] I don't think that they're supposed to be 100%.

[2116] I don't know.

[2117] But I saw the preview the other day on a movie, and it was just the most hilarious thing ever.

[2118] They're not supposed to.

[2119] It's not a gay movie.

[2120] movie?

[2121] Because there's one point where the two vampires do kiss, but I don't think...

[2122] They're all supposed to be gay, but I think all the actors they picked are gay.

[2123] Wait a minute, the vampires are men and they kiss?

[2124] So they are supposed to be gay.

[2125] Here's the poster of it.

[2126] It's a goddamn gay porno, Brian.

[2127] These guys, they're all like Chippendales dancers.

[2128] Their shirts open up and shit.

[2129] It's so fucking hilarious.

[2130] Did you watch it?

[2131] I just watched the preview and I laughed my ass off the whole time.

[2132] Did you get hard?

[2133] Just slightly.

[2134] A little bit?

[2135] A little bit?

[2136] What about the midget joke?

[2137] Do you ever feel bad telling the midget joke?

[2138] Because you and I have talked about your midget bit before.

[2139] You asked me. once when we smoke weed.

[2140] You smoke weed, you get real sensitive.

[2141] When you said to me, do you think I should stop doing that joke?

[2142] You were like, it is kind of mean.

[2143] They can't help it.

[2144] It's not like they're stupid.

[2145] It's not like they're cheap.

[2146] It's not like they're making some stupid choice.

[2147] I've never gotten approached about it before.

[2148] I did have a family breakdown one time at a show.

[2149] The regular size people.

[2150] came up to me and the woman was crying hysterically because their son was a dwarf.

[2151] Wow.

[2152] And it destroyed them.

[2153] And they tried to watch the rest of the show and they couldn't.

[2154] And the manager was like...

[2155] Were they just too short to see the stage?

[2156] No. You should have edited yourself there.

[2157] You should have thought about saying it and go, that's not really that funny.

[2158] The guy came up to me after the show.

[2159] And he goes, can I talk to you for a second?

[2160] I was walking to the back of the room, and I was like, what's up, man?

[2161] He was like, that was a very funny set.

[2162] You're really funny.

[2163] I was like, oh, thanks a lot, man. And the set had gone really well.

[2164] So I thought it was someone who was like, I just like you a lot.

[2165] And I was like, cool.

[2166] And he was like, oh, just one other thing.

[2167] And I was like, what's that?

[2168] And he was like, yeah, my son is a dwarf.

[2169] And I was like, ah.

[2170] And I was like, yeah.

[2171] And I was just looking at him, and he's just standing there looking at me. And I was like, this guy's going to hit me. What's he going to do?

[2172] And I was like, yeah.

[2173] And he goes, I go, I get it, man. Like, it's offensive to you.

[2174] And he goes, no, it's not offensive to me. It's offensive to him and who he's going to be.

[2175] And I was like, all right.

[2176] And he's like, I know what you're thinking.

[2177] Like, they all become doctors or lawyers or whatever.

[2178] Like, they'll make a good life for themselves.

[2179] What?

[2180] And I was like, well, I'm not going to say anything.

[2181] Midgets all become doctors or lawyers?

[2182] That's what he said.

[2183] And then he goes.

[2184] First time I've ever heard that.

[2185] Maybe that's what he uses at work.

[2186] But then he goes, he says that, and then he goes.

[2187] The kid's a midget.

[2188] Yeah, they all become doctors and lawyers.

[2189] Not that fucking criminal you got.

[2190] At least he's not a faggot.

[2191] He goes, but anyways, really funny stuff.

[2192] I'm like, oh, cool.

[2193] Like he had to tag it with, but you know, I'm a fan.

[2194] And I was like, all right.

[2195] And then I kind of linger in the back, and then like 10, 15 minutes later, I see the same man and a woman who I have to assume is his wife.

[2196] And she's all fucking bawling to the manager.

[2197] I see the manager nodding like, mm -hmm.

[2198] And she's like, he's a fucking asshole.

[2199] And I was like, that's about me. So I just dipped out and then.

[2200] God, you're a heartbreaker, Tom.

[2201] The manager told me, he's like, yeah, I offered them free tickets, but then as they're about to leave, I go, oh, hey, by the way, I can't guarantee you the next guy won't do something like that, too.

[2202] He had to remind them that I don't have a midget calendar and a non -midget calendar to know who's coming to town and what they're going to talk about.

[2203] I was like, you should have just given them tickets to see Brad.

[2204] That would have fucking solved everything.

[2205] Yeah, that's true.

[2206] Brad Williams.

[2207] Brad Williams.

[2208] Who's that?

[2209] A little person.

[2210] A little person.

[2211] That was pretty...

[2212] But do you think about not doing it after that?

[2213] I think about not doing it just because...

[2214] I did it once in Australia, and they also included that about how mean it was.

[2215] And the guy was kind of hacky.

[2216] So I was like, I'm just not doing it the rest of this trip.

[2217] So I just didn't do it again there.

[2218] And now it's to the point where I do get bored.

[2219] I closed with it for so long that I'm just bored of saying it.

[2220] So I'm not closing with it anymore.

[2221] I just do something else.

[2222] So for me, I don't really feel bad about it.

[2223] I just feel tired of saying it.

[2224] Would you do it in a room full of midgets?

[2225] If it was just midgets?

[2226] Just midgets.

[2227] No one but.

[2228] No one but.

[2229] A whole audience full of midgets.

[2230] If you guys were in the wings like, do it, I would do it.

[2231] Notice how Tom made us the enablers.

[2232] But I don't think I would do it just if I had a room full of just midgets.

[2233] It would be fun.

[2234] It would be a fun story to tell about the brawl afterwards or something, but I don't know if I would do that.

[2235] I have one joke that I do edit if certain people are in the audience, and it's a fact.

[2236] Joke.

[2237] Really?

[2238] Yeah.

[2239] I did this line about Vegas.

[2240] The thing about Vegas is you've got to know when you're going to sleep.

[2241] The moment you must go to bed is when you see the first fat girl walking barefoot carrying her shoes.

[2242] Yeah, yeah.

[2243] It's funny.

[2244] Everything after her is a mistake.

[2245] You had to edit because you see fat chicks.

[2246] I see them and I feel bad.

[2247] And I've said big girls.

[2248] I've said big girls.

[2249] But really, I should just stop saying it.

[2250] I've said black girls, too.

[2251] And the kids are like, do you have a different laugh?

[2252] Yeah.

[2253] See the first black girl walking barefoot carrying their shoes?

[2254] The people go, I know.

[2255] And you're like, what do you know?

[2256] What are you saying?

[2257] I'm just trying to get around this.

[2258] I'm just trying to get around a fat joke.

[2259] I've actually, you know, it's funny.

[2260] I've had fat lines before, and I'm fat.

[2261] And I've felt bad.

[2262] Right.

[2263] Like, I've seen somebody who's way fatter than me. Do you say that you're fat, though?

[2264] Do you joke about it?

[2265] In this particular joke, no. And so I'll just jump around it.

[2266] Because I'll feel bad.

[2267] Because I've said it before and seen a really obese, fat person.

[2268] And I'm like, man, I just crushed that person.

[2269] And they can't even be like, fuck you, you're fat.

[2270] Because I'd be like, you're 600 pounds.

[2271] You're ready.

[2272] You got your comeback line.

[2273] So I felt bad for that.

[2274] That's Eddie Bravo and the Falcon line.

[2275] Remember that?

[2276] What's that?

[2277] Eddie got mad at Joey Diaz once because Joey Diaz is the master of the one -liner.

[2278] Yeah.

[2279] And Eddie had this, you know, Eddie like changed his look over the years and became much, when he focused on his music, became much more rock and roll style.

[2280] And he had this big bracelet on that was this leather bracelet.

[2281] And, you know, they're stylish.

[2282] People like wearing them, whatever.

[2283] But Joey Diaz, he's like, what are you waiting for?

[2284] A fucking Falcon to land a drum?

[2285] I remember I laughed so hard, but he got so bad.

[2286] Eddie got mad.

[2287] Eddie goes, fuck you, you're 300 pounds.

[2288] We were like, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[2289] Right to a fat joke.

[2290] We had to go, come on, man. Come on, he just joked on your wristband.

[2291] You're getting all upset and going right after his weight.

[2292] Do you know what by far, by the way, got the most backlash ever for me?

[2293] By far.

[2294] I mean, of all the negative response I've ever gotten, 90 % of it is from my bike riding joke.

[2295] Really?

[2296] I mean, hands down.

[2297] I saw that online.

[2298] I saw that online.

[2299] A lot of people were angry.

[2300] They wanted to fucking kick your ass.

[2301] Oh, my God, dude.

[2302] I got tons of emails.

[2303] And your joke is about how arrogant people are with bikes.

[2304] A lot of bike riders are arrogant.

[2305] Yeah.

[2306] And, I mean, look, that's just the statement I make, and there's a joke.

[2307] elaborate with it one of the things i imply in the joke is like essentially hitting somebody with my car right right but it's one of like a lot because it's a bit it's like a three minute bit right so what dude i'm talking like you fucking piece of shit like you deserve to die i bet you can't even ride a bike you fat fuck like all these like i mean like dozens of emails of like you're the fucking worst person ever like and i was i didn't realize a how big that Like, A, that would strike a chord at all, but then there's this whole...

[2308] Cycling movement.

[2309] Community.

[2310] That also feels threatened by drivers.

[2311] That's a real issue.

[2312] I didn't realize I was hitting on a real issue.

[2313] I was just talking about the way that I've had cyclists kick my car.

[2314] when I'm driving down the street because they felt like I veered into the lane or, you know what I mean?

[2315] Like, just like shit where I felt like, you know, they'll shut off an intersection and we're driving in the middle of the street, make you drive.

[2316] Like, I just feel like some of them drive, ride their bikes arrogantly.

[2317] I feel like they could be more aware of like the surroundings and the way that like people in cars have to be careful too.

[2318] And it's more a commentary on that.

[2319] Dude, so much fucking hate mail.

[2320] So much hate mail.

[2321] It was in your Comedy Central special, right?

[2322] But it didn't air in the special.

[2323] It only aired on the online promotion.

[2324] Really?

[2325] So they just aired a clip.

[2326] Were you responsible for the editing of the special?

[2327] No, no. They were?

[2328] They were, yeah.

[2329] So the clip is online, and the clip got me...

[2330] I was so happy that I was responsible for the editing of my own special.

[2331] Oh, yeah.

[2332] That would suck if you couldn't edit your own shit.

[2333] How come they didn't work that in for you?

[2334] They let you, when you get off stage, when you do a...

[2335] Half hour or an hour?

[2336] Half hour.

[2337] When you do a half hour and you get off stage, you get to go, you have a meeting with a producer right away, immediately off stage.

[2338] They're like, what did you like the most?

[2339] What did you like the least?

[2340] How many sets did you do?

[2341] Just one?

[2342] Oh, just one, yeah, yeah.

[2343] That's rough.

[2344] They give you a fucking, I mean, in their defense, they give you a really hot room, a really hot crowd.

[2345] Well, they have to do it one set.

[2346] If it's a half hour and they do a show.

[2347] They do two per audience, and they ship out the audience.

[2348] But they give you a lot.

[2349] They're like, if you fumble your lines, we'll go back.

[2350] You can go back.

[2351] You can go back to something you thought didn't work right.

[2352] You can try saying it again.

[2353] They try to help you.

[2354] You say it again.

[2355] Well, I didn't, but they offer that.

[2356] They offer that?

[2357] They offer it.

[2358] They're like, if you go.

[2359] you know, I was whatever, walking into the store and you just like slip up, you go, there's the store and you sound stupid.

[2360] You can be like, I want to take that from the top again.

[2361] And you say that to the audience.

[2362] Yeah.

[2363] Yeah.

[2364] It's so weird.

[2365] It is weird, but the audience is so coached and so on board with the concept that it's not like you're doing it at like a club or something.

[2366] Like they're like, they understand that they're there just for you to do this.

[2367] It's looking more and more like I'm doing my next one in Vancouver.

[2368] That's the fucking best.

[2369] Yeah.

[2370] Look, I'm trying for June.

[2371] We're working on all the details right now, but if I can make it happen.

[2372] Yeah, I got a venue, and it'll probably be on Thursday night in Vancouver.

[2373] So the weekend that the UFC is there...

[2374] It's not set in stone.

[2375] I'm definitely going to be doing shows there.

[2376] Yeah.

[2377] But most likely.

[2378] And the tickets will be on sale by this weekend, hopefully.

[2379] We're working on that right now.

[2380] We've got the venue secured.

[2381] Nice.

[2382] One of my favorite cities, definitely.

[2383] And for me, top three comedy city in the world.

[2384] Vancouver.

[2385] I love it.

[2386] Fucking awesome there.

[2387] I've done a set at the Red Rock, whatever it's called.

[2388] Red Robinson Casino.

[2389] I've done a set there, but I've done the club.

[2390] The Comedy Mix, which is on Burrard Street, downtown, multiple times, and that is one of my favorite clubs.

[2391] If you live in Vancouver, that club is awesome.

[2392] I only did Yuck Yucks.

[2393] It's the same venue.

[2394] Oh, it is?

[2395] They just use that name.

[2396] The one that's in the bottom of a hotel.

[2397] That's it.

[2398] That is the shit.

[2399] Remember that, how awesome that was?

[2400] We just go downstairs from your room, and boom, you're in the comedy club.

[2401] They have like six, I think six nights a week they have shows.

[2402] It's small, too, right?

[2403] A capacity is 215, I think.

[2404] Maybe 210, 215.

[2405] And I would say, I mean, for a weekend there, like the Friday, Saturday, I think, the Thursday, Friday, Saturday, something like that, almost every show is sold out, if not like 90 % capacity.

[2406] And then I found out that all the comics were like, oh, no, Tuesday, Wednesday, it's always at least 80 % full.

[2407] So it's called The Mix now?

[2408] It's called The Comedy Mix.

[2409] The Comedy Mix.

[2410] And there's no more Yuck Yucks?

[2411] Or Yuck Yucks is a new location?

[2412] Yuck Yucks is still there.

[2413] Essentially, they were, licensing the name.

[2414] Okay.

[2415] So they were just using the name.

[2416] It expired and they were just like, we don't want to license your name anymore.

[2417] Yeah, why do it?

[2418] You don't need it.

[2419] Yeah, so they're an awesome name.

[2420] That spot is so great.

[2421] It's a fucking amazing club.

[2422] That's where we met Pete Johanson.

[2423] We did a bunch of shows with him there.

[2424] Yeah, that's a great fucking town for everything.

[2425] I've done that, and I've done the Red Robinson there at least once, I think twice.

[2426] And I did another room that was just like a half an hour outside of town.

[2427] It's another casino.

[2428] But I'll be doing a different place this time.

[2429] I'm looking to do two shows on a Thursday night.

[2430] That's awesome.

[2431] It's fun.

[2432] It's like one of those things where it's just like the audiences are fucking awesome there.

[2433] They're just great, comedy savvy.

[2434] And they're high as fuck.

[2435] They're high as fuck.

[2436] High as fuck, which makes for a way better crowd.

[2437] Anytime you go to a stoner crowd, like Portland, how awesome is Portland?

[2438] Amazing.

[2439] Super stoner crowd.

[2440] You done the Helium in Portland?

[2441] No, no. Oh my goodness.

[2442] One of the greatest clubs ever.

[2443] Oh, nice.

[2444] Dude, I've never been handed more weed after a show.

[2445] Never.

[2446] Portland is the undisputed champion.

[2447] How was Philly?

[2448] Fucking awesome.

[2449] Fucking awesome.

[2450] Oh, yeah, that's Philemon 2, right?

[2451] We did two shows on Thursday.

[2452] We sold out every show.

[2453] Two shows Thursday, two shows Friday, two shows Saturday.

[2454] We did a full weekend.

[2455] Yeah, Thursday, Friday, Saturday.

[2456] Me, Joey Diaz, and Ari Shafir.

[2457] Nice.

[2458] It was awesome.

[2459] Food was eaten.

[2460] Oh, yeah, we went off.

[2461] We had a good goddamn time.

[2462] It was chaos.

[2463] Nice.

[2464] Philly's such a fucking wild town, too.

[2465] It's so crazy because in Philly, everything's one way because it was all designed for horses.

[2466] It's like these little nags.

[2467] narrow -ass streets in this big fucking city.

[2468] Half the streets are these little tiny...

[2469] And it's like the traffic and getting around is so difficult.

[2470] Parking is ridiculous.

[2471] It's impossible.

[2472] What a fucking great town, though.

[2473] Did you ever watch Parking Wars?

[2474] Parking Wars?

[2475] On A &E.

[2476] Oh, you had a joke about that.

[2477] What did you say?

[2478] I said Parking Wars on A &E should be renamed When Black People Act Black.

[2479] Are they fighting over parking spots?

[2480] Is that what it's about?

[2481] That show is great.

[2482] What is it?

[2483] It follows meter maids, like meter maids in Philly.

[2484] So the Philadelphia parking authority.

[2485] Wow.

[2486] And like basically it just follows them.

[2487] Like they take you on their beat and then they're writing tickets and the people are like, fuck you, man. Like just yelling shit to them all the time.

[2488] Like, you know, I was here with my, like I just ran in to do this.

[2489] So there's always, always confrontation, always conflict.

[2490] And then cars getting towed or booted.

[2491] And I mean, the conflict gets.

[2492] The confrontation has really escalated.

[2493] Has anybody been attacked?

[2494] I've seen a guy who was getting the boot put on his car, the yellow thing that keeps your car can't drive after it.

[2495] They had half of it on.

[2496] A guy got in his car and drove with it half on his car, dragging, pushed the car in front of it and everything.

[2497] People lose their minds when they're about to lose their car, and also when they go to get their cars that were towed.

[2498] Like fucking just freak out, man. Because then when you go pick up your car, if it's been towed, you have to get square on all your other stuff that maybe had nothing to do with getting towed.

[2499] So you had parking tickets.

[2500] You got to show registration and current insurance.

[2501] You don't realize how many people are not insured.

[2502] So they'll be like, oh, I got it.

[2503] Yeah.

[2504] And they're like, where's your current insurance?

[2505] And they're like, I have it.

[2506] And they're like, all right, we need them to fax us.

[2507] Like that you have insurance and then people just fucking, there's so much yelling on that show.

[2508] It's really, is it good?

[2509] Yeah.

[2510] Oh my God.

[2511] It's so, it's on A &E.

[2512] It's called parking wars.

[2513] Yeah.

[2514] My latest obsession is that show coal, coal, coal.

[2515] What's that show?

[2516] It's about coal miners.

[2517] It's on Spike TV.

[2518] It's all following these coal miners into these fucking mines.

[2519] Oh, that shit's crazy.

[2520] Dude, the mines, this is how they work it.

[2521] It's like a building.

[2522] You know how you see buildings and there's beams inside the building to support the structure of the building?

[2523] And then inside those beams is rooms?

[2524] Yeah.

[2525] That's what they do in mountains.

[2526] They cut in, they'll cut out a room, and then they take a left turn.

[2527] They leave like pillars.

[2528] Yeah.

[2529] You know, and then they cut out this room, and then they leave a pillar.

[2530] And they do that through the entire fucking mountain.

[2531] But, you know, you're...

[2532] Talking about some incredible amount of weight that's being distributed.

[2533] Who knows how much of it is even and how much of it is air pockets or water or coal as opposed to heavy stone.

[2534] Dude, they fucking collapse on people.

[2535] Some guy's missing just the other day.

[2536] There was some miner in, I believe it was Idaho.

[2537] When you think about that Chilean thing, right?

[2538] How horrifying.

[2539] It's terrifying.

[2540] Scary shit, man. They were down there how long?

[2541] Two, three months?

[2542] I don't know.

[2543] A long time, man. They were down there a long time.

[2544] Yeah.

[2545] Yeah.

[2546] It's scary.

[2547] But the mind thing, the creepiest part about it is that they're under like...

[2548] they're in these rooms that are like three feet tall.

[2549] So you're hunched and it's all darkness and shit.

[2550] And then you've got this machine that's just chipping away and pulling out the coal and there's dust and there's nowhere for the dust to go.

[2551] I mean, it goes right in your fucking lungs, man. I mean, they're, they're breaking this stuff down.

[2552] They're like, you're looking at this like, man, what if you were living in West Virginia?

[2553] What if you had no other options?

[2554] What if, you know, your family was coal miners and everyone's stupid.

[2555] And by the time you're 18, you're already hooked on Oxycontin since before you know it.

[2556] you're fucking chipping away at the side of the mountain.

[2557] Yeah.

[2558] Yeah.

[2559] It's a freaky fucking show.

[2560] Yeah.

[2561] I got to watch that.

[2562] It's a good one, man. On Spike?

[2563] Yeah.

[2564] It's a good one.

[2565] Check that out.

[2566] It's a good one just for the claustrophobia factor.

[2567] Yeah.

[2568] I was watching.

[2569] I was saying they should make a movie where there's a monster movie inside a coal mine.

[2570] Oh, yeah.

[2571] The scariest movie ever would be a giant dick with shark teeth that chases you around a coal mine.

[2572] That would be the ultimate.

[2573] That's so homophobic of you, Joe.

[2574] I know, totally.

[2575] Bottom act.

[2576] Bottom act is very offensive.

[2577] Very offensive.

[2578] Make it black so it hides in the shadows.

[2579] Let's just end this, bitch.

[2580] Have we been doing this for two hours?

[2581] We've been doing this for about two hours, right?

[2582] Yeah.

[2583] Damn.

[2584] All right, ladies and gentlemen.

[2585] Tom Segura, where can people see you?

[2586] Let's see.

[2587] Next week, I'll be doing a few spots at the Comedy Magic Club in Hermosa Beach.

[2588] Nice.

[2589] And then I go the first weekend in May to the Improv in Fort Lauderdale at the Hard Rock Casino.

[2590] And is it TomSegura .com?

[2591] It is, TomSegura.

[2592] TomSegura .com.

[2593] Follow Tom on Twitter, T -O -M -S -E -G -U -R -A.

[2594] Again, we're sorry about the last episode, but we hope we made up for it in this one.

[2595] Subscribe to Tom's podcast.

[2596] It's at your mom's house, or just subscribe to Death Squad on iTunes.

[2597] We're going to do one Wednesday.

[2598] How many of them are you doing a week?

[2599] I'm trying to do one a week.

[2600] You did two last week.

[2601] And you do them with Mrs. Segura, and it's called Your Mom's House?

[2602] Yeah, we try to do them when we're together as much.

[2603] She did one.

[2604] At his studio.

[2605] Why your mom's house?

[2606] I don't know.

[2607] I just, like, I've always, you know, I want to open a restaurant called Your Mom's House so that if you ask me where I'm going, I can really say I'm going to your mom's house.

[2608] I don't know.

[2609] I just think it's stupid and funny.

[2610] Okay.

[2611] We had Mary Carey on today on the Naughty Show podcast.

[2612] Was it funny?

[2613] It was pretty interesting, man. She told some crazy stories.

[2614] Is she still working in the business?

[2615] Mary Carey, for those who don't know, ran for governor of California at one point in time.

[2616] She has some good ideas.

[2617] She still does scenes?

[2618] She's dead.

[2619] She does girl, girl in solos now.

[2620] She does feature dancing.

[2621] But she told some crazy stories about Baldwin today and about this basketball player.

[2622] Is she sober now?

[2623] Yeah.

[2624] Boring.

[2625] Boring.

[2626] She was on Celebrity Rehab.

[2627] Celebrity Rehab.

[2628] We were on an airplane with her, me and Ari Shafir.

[2629] And she had a bottle of pills.

[2630] And she's pouring Xanax into her hands.

[2631] She's going, one, two, three, four.

[2632] Shit.

[2633] Do you guys have any Xanax?

[2634] Did she really?

[2635] Yeah, she had eight Xanax in her hand.

[2636] She was like, it's not enough.

[2637] Wow.

[2638] I was like, yeah, Joe said that he was on the airplane with you.

[2639] And she goes, oh, yeah, he was on those pot brownies or something.

[2640] Yeah, those pot brownies.

[2641] Fucking with my Xanax.

[2642] All right, folks, we'll be back tomorrow.

[2643] Tuesday.

[2644] Same bad time, same bad channel.

[2645] 100th episode.

[2646] Tomorrow's the big one.

[2647] It's probably just going to be me and Brian because that's how we roll.

[2648] With snowflakes?

[2649] With snowflakes and we're going to get high as fuck.

[2650] All right.

[2651] We love you guys.

[2652] Thank you very much.

[2653] Peace.

[2654] The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by The Fleshlight.

[2655] If you go to JoeRogan .net and click on the link and enter, click on the link and enter, click on the link and enter, click on the link and enter, click on the link and enter.