Jack Black

[0] Hi, my name is Jack.

[1] My name is Black.

[2] My name is Jack Black.

[3] And I feel shitty about being Conan O 'Brien's friends.

[4] Jesus.

[5] I didn't, in fairness, I didn't read the whole sentence before I threw in however you feel.

[6] You accidentally told the truth, didn't you?

[7] You did.

[8] Finger Bell, brandy shoes, walking loose.

[9] Climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell.

[10] We are going to be friends.

[11] Hello, Conan O 'Brien here.

[12] Welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[13] Some say my desperate ploy to use the podcasting medium to make a few pals.

[14] It's actually working, having a lot of fun talking with a lot of really terrific people.

[15] And enjoying the company of my good amigos, Sonom Ossetian, my assistant.

[16] Hello, hi.

[17] And Matt Goreley.

[18] I'm producer, I suppose.

[19] And what?

[20] No, just, well, whatever.

[21] I like a safety word in there, just in case.

[22] I don't quite know what it is you're up to with this podcast.

[23] But I've got to say my mind's a little blown because today, for reasons I don't understand, I've been seated on the opposite side of the table.

[24] Now, to anyone listening, if you're in your car or you're making love.

[25] Oh.

[26] You think people listen to you when they're making love?

[27] I assume.

[28] I think that this podcast is sort of like a Barry White album.

[29] No. No, this is a contraceptive.

[30] You think the sound of my voice.

[31] This podcast is the abstinence method.

[32] It's a boner killer.

[33] You just called this podcast, which by the way is, I think, held in high regard, a boner killer?

[34] Yes, yes.

[35] No, no, no. I disagree.

[36] I think people are listening right now.

[37] I think the sound of my reedy, pinched voice is causing people's erogenous zones to heat and swell.

[38] Oh, stop.

[39] Jesus, stop.

[40] I think my slightly nasal, gender ambiguous voice is causing babies to just spring forth in the womb.

[41] What do you think?

[42] I think you're the anti -fluffer.

[43] I think it's like...

[44] You mean, as if there were a problem, you say that on porn sets they need a fluffer, but then sometimes there's a guy whose erection won't go away.

[45] Right.

[46] And so what they do, they used to have an anti -fluffer who would just hold up pictures of your grandmother playing baseball, but they then found an easier method automated, which is just to play Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[47] Yeah.

[48] And the sound of my voice would cause the erection not only to fall, but the penis then to curl up inside the abdominal wall of any male.

[49] Is that what you're saying?

[50] Yes.

[51] Yes, that's what I'm saying.

[52] And then, yeah, yeah.

[53] And for the penis to come back out again, it would need to be coaxed with various candies.

[54] Oh, candies.

[55] Promises of maybe, oh, we'll go see a movie, we'll take you to a movie, you know.

[56] I ain't coming out.

[57] Staying in here.

[58] No, no, worry.

[59] Conan's gone.

[60] Conan's not going to come out.

[61] Just come on out.

[62] We turned off.

[63] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend, penis.

[64] You can come out.

[65] Trust you.

[66] I was going to stay in here for a while on the old abdominal cavity.

[67] Penis, you can come out.

[68] We turned it off.

[69] I don't like it in here.

[70] You've got a magazine.

[71] You've got a magazine, do you?

[72] I'm reading the Atlantic.

[73] Oh, you're reading the Atlantic?

[74] I have a question.

[75] Yes.

[76] What kind of candy gets a penis to come out from the abdominal wall?

[77] Well, and I'm not asking for me. No, no, I know.

[78] I know.

[79] You've got to coax them out, but they love a gummy worm.

[80] Oh, that makes sense, I guess.

[81] Yeah, they love a gummy worm because it looks sort of like, you know, like a friend they might have known maybe earlier.

[82] They like a sour patch.

[83] I do too.

[84] But anyway, okay, well, that happened.

[85] Yeah.

[86] I don't know how we got into that.

[87] Because you're sitting cat a corner from Sona.

[88] Yeah, usually Sona and I are side by side, and this time we're catty corner.

[89] And I think, I'm going to try and do the forensics on what just happened.

[90] But I believe what happened is that we were talking about, it's so weird to be on this side.

[91] And then I imagined people doing it while they were listening to the podcast.

[92] And then you said, oh, no one's listening while they're doing it.

[93] Right.

[94] And by doing it, I mean sexual congress.

[95] You didn't have to explain it.

[96] Okay.

[97] And then you said, no, the show's a boner killer.

[98] And then, Matt, you were quite happy to say that it's actually probably destroys semen.

[99] Yeah, I think it's a sterilization tool.

[100] It's mass sterilization.

[101] Okay.

[102] Yeah, the fertility rates.

[103] You know, I've been contacted the Chinese government.

[104] Very interested in using the, they want to use this podcast.

[105] Try and keep population levels lower.

[106] So, all right.

[107] Well, that was a wake -up call for me. Yep.

[108] It's an old boner killer O 'Brien here.

[109] I'm just very unhappy right now.

[110] You know, I shouldn't be.

[111] I shouldn't be unhappy because no transition here, but I was going to say we've got a guest who's definitely not a bono killer.

[112] But what does that mean?

[113] That's awful.

[114] What does that mean?

[115] Do you know what I mean?

[116] That's awful.

[117] Everything's awful.

[118] I'm trapped right now in this thick mud and I can't, anything I do is wrong.

[119] So I can't say my next guest definitely against the old Johnson at full staff because what does that mean?

[120] That's weird.

[121] That's crazy.

[122] I can't say that.

[123] There's no transition.

[124] I'm stuck.

[125] So I'm just going to have to say, you know, am I happy?

[126] Don't make that noise.

[127] Yeah.

[128] Okay, that's no good.

[129] Yeah.

[130] My guest today is an absolutely hilarious actor and musician.

[131] You know him is the lead singer and guitarist of the rock man Tenacious D. And from such movies, a school of rock, Tropic Thunder, and Jumanji.

[132] Welcome to the Jungle.

[133] The sequel, Jumangi, The Next Level, is in theaters.

[134] Friday, ladies and gentlemen, the very funny, multi -talented.

[135] Jack Black is with us.

[136] Jack.

[137] Look at you.

[138] You're a huge star now.

[139] That's right.

[140] Remember when we first met and I said, you'll never be a star?

[141] Remember that?

[142] That was so cruel, but it planted a seed in me to say, I will prove Conan Rohn.

[143] I took you by the shoulders and I looked you in the eye and I said, as sure as I draw a breath, you will never have success in this business.

[144] You know, the first time, We crossed paths, wasn't it, when I came on your show to replace Andy Richter?

[145] That was my bit.

[146] That was my comedy bit.

[147] I don't know if that was the first time you came on, but you did a hilarious bit where you were auditioning to be the new sidekick to replace Andy.

[148] Yes.

[149] And it's absolutely hilarious.

[150] Well, he had announced that he was going to peel off for a while.

[151] He was going to pursue other things.

[152] Yeah.

[153] And that's what, yeah, so I took that lane.

[154] You came in hard and you said, I want to be Conan's sidekick.

[155] Yes, and I wrote a new sidekick song.

[156] We're going to put this up online because it's absolutely hilarious.

[157] It's still one of the funniest things.

[158] It's the best thing I've ever done, but I did feel a little bad because I was so, I was enjoying it so much.

[159] And Andy, I could tell he was like a felt a little bit like embarrassed that I was pointing so much attention at his impending departure.

[160] Right.

[161] And relishing at how much better.

[162] I would be at sidekicking.

[163] You know what, but it could never have worked.

[164] It couldn't have worked because of our, you know, you're, you're just, you're one of those, you're one of those horses that can't be broke, you know, that's the problem.

[165] It's true.

[166] You're, you're two, Sona, what's your problem?

[167] Sorry.

[168] What is your problem?

[169] That analogy is really funny.

[170] No, you're just, you're one of those crazy stallions that came out of the hills and everyone's like, wow.

[171] You know, Andy, yes, he has pride and everything, but eventually I broke him.

[172] I broke Andy, and now he's a mule.

[173] He's a mule.

[174] It's just clopping along and he's taking kids on a five -dime ride through the past.

[175] But you, Jack Black, you can't be broke.

[176] Yeah, no, it would have come to blows when you tried to break me. Yeah.

[177] We would have, yeah, we would have butted heads.

[178] And the way I break sidekicks is literally getting on their backs and wearing a cowboy hat.

[179] trying to ride them and I it's it's embarrassing it's an embarrassing and often confusing scenario that's not a side kick really that's more of a ride kick you and you're rhyming it's all about the rhymes to me I can't help it you know I remember the first time I heard your name was from Bob Odenkirk yeah Bob Odenkirk said to me years ago a tenacious D there's and and I remember very clearly him telling me tenacious d and i was like wait what's a tenacious d because i didn't know and he was like these guys are hilarious and then eventually you and i met and the first time we met you came out on the air i think i interviewed you or talked to you and then in the commercial break you leaned over and robert smile and i had written this really weird tv pilot and you had also done a really weird TV pilot that it'd become sort of like weird underground cult status, you leaned over and you whispered in my ear, look well.

[180] Like it was a secret to open a cave or something.

[181] And I was like, oh, you've seen Look Well and you're like, look well, man, I saw it.

[182] I had a tape of a tape of a tape of a tape.

[183] And then I talked to you about your amazing pilot you made.

[184] Yeah, I made one with Ben Stiller at the helm.

[185] What's it called?

[186] It's called.

[187] It was called Heat Vision and Jack.

[188] Heat Vision and Jack.

[189] And that was Dan Harmon, who now has this incredibly successful cartoon on the air, Rick and Morty.

[190] He wrote that pilot for me about, because we had a little meeting at Swingers Cafe.

[191] Ben Stiller got us together.

[192] He said, you guys should collaborate together, and I'll produce it and maybe directed if I like it.

[193] We got together when we were riffing on ideas.

[194] And I was just like, well, my favorite show growing up was a $6 million man. It'd be really cool if you could write a comedy where, you know, I have enhanced powers like $6 million man. And he just took that and ran with it.

[195] And he and his friend Rob wrote this thing that was a combination of $6 million man and Knight Rider where like I rode a talking motorcycle.

[196] Yep.

[197] And it's hilarious.

[198] If you've got to find it and watch it, I'm sure this is old news to people with lots of comedy cred, but if you haven't seen it, Heat Vision and Jack is, and it's funny because you're superpowers is that when you're hit with sunlight.

[199] Yeah.

[200] You'd be, is it sunlight or moonlight?

[201] It's sunlight.

[202] Sunlight.

[203] Sunlight.

[204] When you're hit with sunlight, you become the smartest man in the world.

[205] Yeah.

[206] And so there's actually this moment where I think you're in like a jail or something and the sun is moving its way slowly across the room and then it goes up the bars and it hits you.

[207] And it's this really cheesy effect and you just say, I know everything.

[208] Yes.

[209] I know everything, and that's what happens.

[210] And it would have happened every episode, you know, when I was in a really tight situation.

[211] Somehow I would gain access to sunlight, and I would solve the problem.

[212] Somehow gain access to sunlight, the most readily available.

[213] But sometimes I'd see, you know, indoors, and I couldn't get the sunlight, so there would have to be the reflection off a thing and a thing or whatever.

[214] But it was a really funny, stupid pilot, and it borrowed a little bit from Charlie Kaufman, where you take someone real, like he did with Bing John Malcovic.

[215] But you create a fiction around him.

[216] And we had this guy, because I was from NASA and I was this astronaut that was on the run from the government and NASA because they wanted to chop out my brain and study, how can he be the smartest in the world?

[217] And the head of NASA security, this just incredible killing machine, was Ron Silver, the actor, also known as the actor Ron Silver.

[218] But then the thing you didn't know about Ron Silver is he was this killing machine.

[219] No, and it's such a great choice because Ron Silver, it was not an obvious choice, you know.

[220] It was so great that Ron Silver is, yeah, he's busy being an actor, but he's also got this other thing he does, which is he's a killing machine.

[221] for NASA.

[222] So here's my point, because I always have a point, because I'm very, very good at this.

[223] You're listening to...

[224] Sounds like you're killing time.

[225] If you're trying to think of a point.

[226] No, no, no, here's my point.

[227] And I'll tell you about this point when it comes.

[228] It's not a time -killing measure, but points are important.

[229] No, like Heat Vision and Jack, you probably thought, this is the path.

[230] And then it gets turned down.

[231] Then it's, okay, what is it going to be next?

[232] Is it going to be music?

[233] Is it going to be, how do I, how do I find what I'm, what is, what is Jack Black?

[234] Yeah, I had lots of swings and misses.

[235] You're trying to take me down this road where it was better than it didn't get picked up.

[236] It was meant to be, but I disagree.

[237] There's a sliding door reality where Lookwell was the biggest hit comedy of all time.

[238] But, yeah, be that as it made.

[239] Well, now I'm depressed.

[240] I'm sorry to do that to you.

[241] So there's an alternate reality where I'm, I own a Greek island because I've created pretty much the Friends of 1990.

[242] Well, I'm just saying that, yeah, you can swing and miss, and that's not the end.

[243] It's just, they're all like steps on a ladder.

[244] Right.

[245] But, like me and Kyle did a movie called Pick of Destiny, nobody went to see it.

[246] Did not get good reviews.

[247] It was clearly a miss on all counts.

[248] But here we are, you know, 15 years later, still going on tour and we still play those songs.

[249] Those songs from that movie get.

[250] The biggest reaction of our whole set because, you know, that little movie that nobody liked at the time has over time gotten a little cult status amongst, you know, your heavy metal stoners of the world.

[251] That's a slightly bigger group than you think.

[252] You know, I used to think that you were a music guy who became a comedy guy, and that's really not the case.

[253] You were, you picked up the guitar late.

[254] Yeah.

[255] relatively late i got going around 23 years old which is not not usually when you start a musical that that's me that's uh me too i think i started when i was 22 yeah and it was me just a lack of i didn't have money i was a kind of a shitty drummer i had a drum set i came to l .a in 1985 and i thought you can't have drums in l .a i have a three hundred eighty dollar month apartment.

[256] You're going to not let me have, you know, the landlady isn't going to let me have a drum set.

[257] And who would I play with?

[258] So I remembered going to a pawn shop and getting a freedom guitar in Hollywood and getting a $90 guitar and a little chord book.

[259] The Mel Bay Chordbook.

[260] When you self -taught?

[261] For a while and then I was wise enough and smart enough and I recommend this to anyone out there listening, get a talk show with a band.

[262] And then, every day you're with someone who's like, no, no, no, no, you slide up the neck this way.

[263] Thanks a lot.

[264] But you got, I mean, you dove into it strong.

[265] I dove into it, but I had my Jimavino early in Kyle Gas.

[266] He was my buddy from the actors gang theater here in L .A. He was the one leaning on you to get better and better and better.

[267] No, I was leaning on him to teach me his ways to make me a rock star.

[268] I wanted him to guide me. And I would bring him jack -in -a -box food in exchange for guitar lessons.

[269] And we would record the jams that we would do.

[270] And then we would go Stony Playback.

[271] That was our thing.

[272] Let's smoke a J and then listen back to what we did.

[273] That's called Stony Playback.

[274] We have to do that with the podcast.

[275] I would love to do that.

[276] I know you would.

[277] I mean, I won't partake.

[278] I'll watch you.

[279] Oh, come on.

[280] Don't be a square.

[281] Hey, man. You might be a narc.

[282] What if all this time Sona was a narque?

[283] She's just biting her time over a 10 -year period.

[284] Slow burn.

[285] To catch me. But you know what's cool is so you get all of this accolades and you create a lot of joy with Tenacious D. And I understand you just, you and Kyle just worked with Mr. Jack White.

[286] You're opposite in all things.

[287] Yeah.

[288] You worked with Jack White and you cut an album at Third Man Records.

[289] We had this opportunity because we were going on tour through the South, doing Texas and all these different places.

[290] And we were going into Nashville where his headquarters now are.

[291] He moved from Detroit to Nashville.

[292] Oh, I've been there.

[293] But I think he's still got a finger and a toe in each place.

[294] Like, I think he's got a little Detroit headquarters as well.

[295] I think he does, yeah.

[296] He heard that we were coming there and he said, hey, when you guys come to Nashville, why don't you stop by and lay down some hot tracks at my studio?

[297] We'll do this cool thing where it doesn't take any time.

[298] You can come right before sound check and just record live to vinyl in this weird, like, antique booth the way they used to back in the olden times.

[299] And we were like, well, we have to do it.

[300] We can't say no to Jack White's invitation.

[301] If for no other reason just to hang out with Jack White, it'd be very foolish to bypass that opportunity.

[302] Why did you do that to the word foolish?

[303] It was no reason.

[304] It comes from insecurity.

[305] I go for a weird pronunciation comedy.

[306] But anyway, so we say yes, but we don't know what we're going to sing.

[307] I don't want to sing an old song.

[308] We have to write a new song for Jack White, you know.

[309] And so we wrote this little jam basically on the way to the studio about how nervous we were about jamming with Jack White.

[310] And for him in his studio and making just wanting to do so well, wanting to rock so hard.

[311] Don't blow it, Cage, is the name of the song.

[312] Don't blow it, Cage.

[313] Just play the best shit you've ever fucking played.

[314] And so Jack White's like, you know what, guys, there's actually a couple options.

[315] We can do the thing where I put you in the weird antique booth where you just play live and it goes right on to an album or you could come over to my house, to my home studio and we could do like a slightly souped up version of that in my home studio and it'll be like more legit and like we can track it.

[316] Yep.

[317] And we're like, we're doing that one, the better one, because mainly we want to see what your house looks like.

[318] We want to gain access to the inner sanctum.

[319] Yeah.

[320] So we go over to his house and, oh my God, my itchy trigger finger was so hot on my phone.

[321] I wanted to be snapping photos.

[322] But he was like, as soon as we got there, it was like, guys, if it's, if it's cool, no photos.

[323] Yeah, yeah, no, of course.

[324] Of course not, no photos.

[325] So we're going through the house and it's like a museum.

[326] It's like you would expect with Jack White because he's, you know, always been a visual artist along with his music.

[327] There's always been this kind of aesthetic, right?

[328] Oh, my God, yes.

[329] The colors and the shapes and the things.

[330] A lot of thought goes into.

[331] Yes.

[332] Micro details in the house and, like, funny, strange rooms that have jokes to them.

[333] Like, there's these, there's this gorgeous, like, throne room where you would go and sit in the throne.

[334] And this chair was ornate and filled with details.

[335] And on either side of the throne, there's these two giant lions, taxidermy lions that are, and he's like, that's where I go to read.

[336] if I just want to read between the lions No No He goes to read between the lines Oh Oh Boo You may say boo You may say boo End this now I say boo I say boo Yeah I say yay But I was wandering through there And I was thinking God Why can't I take pictures Why wouldn't he want to share This with the world Why would he keep this all hidden And secret Yeah And then I realized why.

[337] I didn't say anything then, but I was thinking, this is his grace land.

[338] Yeah.

[339] Someday when he dies, people will wander through these.

[340] It'll be open to the public.

[341] Right.

[342] I need to make my grace land.

[343] We all have to make a grace land.

[344] Well, here's the revelation I had because I got to hang out with him in Nashville a bunch of years ago.

[345] And we made an album with my band.

[346] And I'm at Third Man Records.

[347] And I'm thinking, what is it about this place?

[348] Because there's all this crazy stuff on the wall.

[349] They'll be like a, like you said, like some kooky antique taxidermied animal that has a digital clock in its skull.

[350] And then there'll be, you know, like a weird machine in the corner that's a fortune -telling machine from 1911.

[351] And then you notice that everyone who works for him is wearing, they're dressed in a certain way.

[352] The guys are all wearing bowler hats and they look kind of like hip Hasidem.

[353] And then the women are all wearing another kind of different costume.

[354] There's no rhyme a reason to anything and then I had this revelation he's a Batman villain I had this revelation which is he's a Batman villain and you know what the only place I've seen this before is on Batman because if you're the penguin you hire 15 people and you say Adam West Adam West era yeah and you say you're all dressing like penguins and they're like okay and we're going to put penguins all over the place sure it's your abandoned macaroni factory on the bad side of town So that was my big revelation is that he's an insane superhero villain that really exists.

[355] And I also was trying to picture, what if you're the UPS guy and that's part of your delivery route?

[356] And you come to the door and you go, yeah, I've got a gaddling gun.

[357] I've got a World War I gaddling gun that's been turned into an Edison -era music player and it has fur on it.

[358] And to be jack white at the door going, yeah, wrong address.

[359] That's not for me. You asshole, I know it's you.

[360] But if he's the Batman villain who is the Batman, that's the problem is he doesn't have a Batman to battle against.

[361] Right.

[362] Unless you say maybe the Black Keys.

[363] Yeah, exactly.

[364] But they don't, well, it could be a Batman and Robin those two.

[365] Yeah, sure they are.

[366] It's two of them.

[367] It's two of them.

[368] They're not playing along, though.

[369] They don't have like the costumes.

[370] They need to step the costume game We don't know what they do at night They might be protecting us all The Black Keys There must have been a day When you realized I can do things with my eyes I can make my eyes Crazy jackalantron eyes There's a day where you catch yourself Doing that in the mirror And you're like, got it I've got that That's one arrow My earliest memory of getting attention I had As you know I was obsessed with the $6 million man. Yep.

[371] And I did get some wires from the garage and put them up my sleeve and hid them, though, in the sleeve, tucked them away.

[372] So that you wouldn't, it would, if I was at school and they would accidentally come out, then people would think, oh, and then I would hide them.

[373] I don't want you to see these wires.

[374] Then people would think I was bionic.

[375] that I had bionic powers And so that's not really comedy But it's deeply sad It's wonderful It's from the same place Of wanting to get attention And be special Very radiohead I'm a creep Yeah Wish I was special But oh Here's one This is not politically correct But back in the day of You remember Weird Al Yankovic Sure At the height of his powers In the 70s There was a song before Weird Al's My Balona, the song that was making fun of My Sharona.

[376] There was a song called Ayatola that was making fun of My Sharona.

[377] Yes.

[378] And me and some other kids did a cover of that at the school assembly.

[379] And we had the turbans and the beards and it just killed.

[380] We were the funniest thing that ever happened to Hermosa Beach, North Shore.

[381] school but I don't recommend doing that now that that gag did not age well it was of its time yeah but you know that was an early experience that gave me the bug of going this this could be a fun I love to make people laugh and I was doing like improv I remember at a Passover Seder we went to a friend's house a friend of the family and she was this rad lady who was a Holocaust survivor and she was really intense.

[382] But then after we finished the Seder, she said, now it's time to play the freeze game.

[383] And we went to the living room and she and she taught us this old viola spolen improvisational game where two people go up there and just have a little conversation and then anyone in the audience can say freeze.

[384] And then you go, and they have to freeze in their body position.

[385] Then you go up and tap one of them on the shoulder and they leave and you take their body position and you change the the scene based on this body position and I did it all night and I just kept on saying freeze and I couldn't stand being in the audience I only wanted to be up on stage which when you think about it that's a super annoying personality trait but I think that's what it takes you have to want it so bad that you just your eyes just people can't see this on the podcast but your eyes became demonic as you were talking about it.

[386] But it's a hunger.

[387] It's a, you know, it's a fine line between a sickness of being empty and too needy and actually being meant for the stage.

[388] Well, I'll tell you, my father said to me years ago, early in the run of my late night show, since, you know, 26 years ago, he said to me, and he's a scientist.

[389] He said, oh, I see.

[390] And he wasn't doing a joke.

[391] He just said, you're making a career out of something that should probably be treated.

[392] And it's true.

[393] It is actually true.

[394] It's, you know, I wish he had, you know, said I love you or something, but I'm sure that was coming later.

[395] But no, that's his way of telling me he loves me. It's true.

[396] There is a fine line between this is good, this is fun, this is healthy and a great way to make a living and probably this needs to be medicated in some ways.

[397] I think that it's a scary way to make a living because there's so much adrenaline involved with getting up in front of an audience and entertaining them because the idea of not entertaining, going up there and bombing is so terrifying.

[398] They're judging you.

[399] So the only way that it works is if you want it so badly that you're willing to risk that kind of humiliation so it takes a kind of desperation I don't know many performance that don't have a seat of desperation at their core yeah again your eyes got crazy you really spike you pick a certain part of the sentence and you go it's true you found my that's my technique that's your technique I've been doing it since sixth grade I'd like a latte please and if you could just put a little bit of bumpkin spice in there.

[400] I'd appreciate it.

[401] I don't know why I do that.

[402] There's just certain words and sentences where I kick into overdrive right in the middle of the sentence.

[403] But also, like, the way you perform, when you go out, especially, I mean, in comedy and in music, you take it to 11 in a way that I would think it would take you hours to come down afterwards.

[404] Oh, yeah.

[405] It's hit or miss. You know, sometimes I'll see it.

[406] performance in a movie.

[407] I'm going to go, good Lord, take it down, Jack Black.

[408] You're at 11.

[409] This scene clearly called for a six.

[410] But other times it feels great to take it to the maximum.

[411] When me and Kyle are out there performing with Tenacious D. Yeah, I go full throttle and I'm on like a literal high afterwards sometimes for hours.

[412] It's definitely like a drug.

[413] That's the sound of green tea.

[414] Still going.

[415] Going down.

[416] Hey, killed a whole bottle in one galupe.

[417] That was pretty good, huh?

[418] I have a little bit of ADHD, I think, where I'll start a sentence, and I think I know what I'm talking about.

[419] And I think I know where I'm heading with what the point of it is.

[420] And then I'll lose it in the middle of the sentence.

[421] I can't remember what the hell I was talking about or where I was going.

[422] That happens to all of us, I think.

[423] You know what?

[424] It gets worse, I will say.

[425] I'm a little older than you.

[426] It gets worse over time.

[427] I heard that it gets better, though, if you exercise super strenuously.

[428] I read this in a New York Times article just yesterday.

[429] I was thinking about climbing a mountain later.

[430] Yeah.

[431] If you want to.

[432] Do you know what my favorite exercise?

[433] I like to push my bicycle up the mountain because it's too hard to ride it up.

[434] Exactly.

[435] Even in the super easy gear.

[436] That looks ridiculous like a circus performer, by the way.

[437] It's like, wait, why don't you just walk?

[438] You're peddling way faster than a person walking next to you would be stepping.

[439] So when you're pushing it up, does it have a little bell?

[440] Because the saddest thing in the world is to be pushing a bike.

[441] I've done this.

[442] Pushing a bike up a hill and then occasionally, ding, ding, ring the bell without ever getting on the bike.

[443] I think it's really sweet that you have a bell on your bike.

[444] I do.

[445] No, I don't have the bell.

[446] It's a safety thing.

[447] It's a safety thing.

[448] I like to mountain bike, and so on the way down, you're supposed to have this bell that's constantly ringing.

[449] It just rings because every time you...

[450] Well, what it is, it's just a bell that you take the clapper or you take the muffler off.

[451] So on the way down, you're making a little gajing, gajing, gajing sound.

[452] So if you're coming around a corner, people have warning that a bike is coming down the hill.

[453] That's smart.

[454] It's smart, but it's also very emasculating.

[455] Because, you know, I've got my gear on and I'm going down the hill and dust is flying around.

[456] You're like, minging, ming, ming, ming, ming, ming, ming, I've got ice cream for everyone.

[457] It's just, I don't know.

[458] It takes some of the cool factor out of it.

[459] You could just, like, put a card, a baseball card or something in between your spokes, right?

[460] Don't they do that to make a fr -r -r -sound?

[461] Well, then people will just think a blackjack dealer is coming down the hill.

[462] Someone's shuffling up behind them.

[463] You are quite the gamer, aren't you?

[464] I do enjoy gaming, but I have to say, as of late, I've been all about my iPhone games, which has ruined my console gaming.

[465] Like, I used to be all about my Xbox and PlayStation, and I still haven't even conquered Red Dead Redemption Part 2, which I was so anticipating for years.

[466] You know what?

[467] I was actually, I heard so much hype about Red Dead Redemption 2 that I was going to get it.

[468] Yeah.

[469] And my son is a really talented at computers, and he built a computer for me so I could play games.

[470] I mean, I said, look, if you build this thing, it's a really cool thing, and he did it with his friend, I'll buy the parts.

[471] So they put together this really cool computer for me to just, you know, so I could do Red Dead Red Dead Redemption too.

[472] And then before I even got the game, people were telling me, people who were good at games were saying, yeah, so far I've done.

[473] just been wandering around and collecting hay for my horse and I saw like, well, how long you've been playing?

[474] About six weeks.

[475] What else did you do?

[476] I got some wax and I put them on my chaps and then I got more hay for my horse and some oats.

[477] And then my horse wandered off so I had to go find my horse and that took about six weeks.

[478] And I got dispirited before I even tried it.

[479] So yeah, you never even saddled up.

[480] I didn't saddle up.

[481] that game is, from what I've gathered, it's more like living life, really, than playing a game.

[482] Right.

[483] And I'm playing a game where I live life called Living Life.

[484] I don't need to do that.

[485] You can choose to be more proactive and get to the story and get to the next piece.

[486] I see.

[487] So I can just press a button and it gets me to, you get yours, let's draw, that kind of thing.

[488] Yeah.

[489] You can avoid the conflict and just, you know, go by some moonshine and wander through the desert aimlessly.

[490] Or you can go where you know the story wants you to go.

[491] I just, it's a real commitment, a time commitment that my phone has taken so much of those.

[492] So what are you doing on your phone?

[493] It's all, right now, it's all about WGT golf.

[494] What?

[495] And it's really embarrassing because.

[496] What are you talking about?

[497] It's a golf game.

[498] Yes.

[499] And you do it on your phone?

[500] Yes.

[501] Do you do a swipe to do the swing?

[502] Yes.

[503] And it's extremely satisfying.

[504] And truth be told, expensive.

[505] How is it expensive?

[506] It's just horrifying because they figured it knee out.

[507] They know my brain.

[508] And I have a little bit of OCD.

[509] And there's a bunch of choices of clothing that you can wear.

[510] And the clothing doesn't just look rad.

[511] which is important to me. I do want my avatar to look super sharp.

[512] And also a big mistake a lot of people do is like, you got to match.

[513] Make sure the socks matches the shirt and the pants match the hat.

[514] No, dude, you look dumb.

[515] You look like a circus performer with your weird triangle patterns.

[516] You got to go like tasteful top, loose hang in, green pattern, and then not a matching color down below.

[517] But the main thing with the clothing is that each piece of clothing has a value that helps your game.

[518] Like, this is going to help your short game.

[519] It improves your accuracy on your drive.

[520] This one gives you more strength on your drive.

[521] And to buy these little pieces of digital clothing, you actually either have to put in tons of hours of work or you can just buy it and get it done real quick.

[522] and I'm not going to tell you how much money I've spent on these clothes because I don't even know it's been so much money and it's horrifying embarrassing.

[523] So your children will not go to college because you wanted the avatar on your phone that plays pretend golf to be dressed appropriately.

[524] I have set aside some money for their college but it will you'll dip into it, you know you will.

[525] Yeah, they're not going to be going to the best college.

[526] They're still enough to send them to a good college.

[527] Sure.

[528] A good state school.

[529] But, yeah, it's not just money, but hours of time.

[530] It's both.

[531] And it's so foolish.

[532] I did this with Clash of Clans.

[533] My son was really into Clash of Clans like, you know, four years ago, five years ago, and his friends were into it too.

[534] And then he got me into it.

[535] And I wanted to partake with my son.

[536] You know, I wanted to be part of his world.

[537] And so, again, it was like you can spend, all this time slowly making sure that you get a tiny little catapult or you can just buy the catapult and so I started doing that and then you see this little like boop you know like master card charge boom you know and you don't think that much about it because each one is so small and then I started I remembered showing my son and his friends I'm like check out my my you know check out my fortress and so he and his friends online checked out my fortress and And his friends were like, wow, you know, your dad's got the cannon that shoots lava.

[538] And he's also got the special massive dinosaur bird that drops boulders.

[539] And he's got six of them positioned on each.

[540] And I was getting some props from my kids.

[541] And then my son was like, you're buying this stuff, aren't you?

[542] And I was like, yeah.

[543] And then I started, I think I checked a bill.

[544] And it was, oh, my God, I could have bought an okay watch.

[545] And instead, I've defended something that doesn't exist To impress friends of my son that I haven't met Yeah It was bad and that's when I had to go cold turkey And I think that fort exists somewhere You cut yourself off?

[546] I cut myself off No, that fort has definitely been raided since then You can't just leave a delicious fort like that out in the open It's a really good fort and I think it's been rated in pillaged and destroyed No, those things take maintenance to protect them.

[547] I know.

[548] They're so smart these gaming companies to destroy it around in your pocket while you're waiting for the dentist or anything.

[549] You can't do that with the console games.

[550] You wait for the dentist?

[551] Yes, I wait.

[552] And you're doing it all wrong, man. I go, Conan O 'Brien's here.

[553] Everyone shit themselves.

[554] I actually say that.

[555] I say, I'll just be sitting in this chair now.

[556] You're sitting on an old woman.

[557] Mrs. Hepstein.

[558] Well, I don't see her television show.

[559] Does she have a television show?

[560] You're hurting me. Toss.

[561] Crunch.

[562] That's her bones crunching.

[563] She hits the ground.

[564] Lie down.

[565] That's the sound effect of me lying down.

[566] In the out of the seat.

[567] It's a lazy sound effect.

[568] Lie down.

[569] Those are my sound effects from now on.

[570] Yeah.

[571] When I go to the dentist, I really look forward to that laughing gas.

[572] You get laughing gas?

[573] And the last time I went, I was hit with the cold fish that they just realized that laughing gas, nitrous actually is bad for you and it's bad for the people that give you the nitrous.

[574] They get a little whiff of it on the side.

[575] They get like a contact high.

[576] It causes something like you can mess with your reproductive organs.

[577] Wow.

[578] I never heard anything.

[579] I thought laughing gas was something from like the 1950s.

[580] I didn't know people still got it.

[581] Uh, yeah, nitrous did.

[582] I guess maybe I'm the last of the Mohicans.

[583] Anyone else here?

[584] Get the laughing gas?

[585] My wife does, you know.

[586] Yes.

[587] Amanda, she goes to a chicken dentist because she's afraid of shots.

[588] So she gets gas every time.

[589] Only a chicken dentist has it?

[590] What does that mean?

[591] Like for chickens.

[592] Oh, for scared people.

[593] Yeah.

[594] I'm a chicken.

[595] So you get, so you don't want to get Novakane.

[596] I hate that feel it, that numbness feeling.

[597] That puffy numbness?

[598] Oh, I don't like it.

[599] I just didn't know there was an alternative.

[600] I've never been offered gas.

[601] The gas.

[602] You'd have to ask for it.

[603] They've got it.

[604] They just don't offer it.

[605] And now, especially since they found out about the organs.

[606] I don't think you can get it.

[607] I'm not having kids anymore.

[608] That's what I'm saying.

[609] Gas them.

[610] Gas them balls.

[611] But the thing that's great about the gas the balls?

[612] That's how they do it now.

[613] Oh, they put a little mask, two masks, over each testicle and gas the balls.

[614] Sweet.

[615] I got to do this now.

[616] Sona, book me a dental.

[617] appointment with a pervy old dentist.

[618] Ask for the ball gas.

[619] Yeah, I want, say, Cona's coming and he's going to want ball gas, and he's going to sit on any old woman who's in the chair when he gets in.

[620] Okay.

[621] You get the gas, the gas you up, and you just blitzed.

[622] You're like, bhaer.

[623] And my mind just travels and wanders to strange exotic places.

[624] It's a wonderful blazing high.

[625] And then as you're coming down, they switch it to oxygen, just pure oxygen.

[626] So it like flushes all of the toxins out and you're good to go.

[627] So you're perfectly, it wears off and then there's no pain.

[628] Or are you aware of the pain but you don't care?

[629] Okay, I do it even just for like a cleaning.

[630] You do it for a cleaning?

[631] I actually go in there and I don't need dentistry at all.

[632] I'm just like hooking up that juicy ball gas.

[633] Are you sure you're even seeing a dentist?

[634] I think you're just going to a place where they just put on ESPN.

[635] They send you to a special world.

[636] Remember when Woody Harrelson had oxygen bars?

[637] Yeah.

[638] I do remember that.

[639] It was just like that.

[640] It's just Woody Harrelson.

[641] I go over to his house.

[642] Any gas is my balls.

[643] man I wish you had that at your house and that I was invited What happened to that oxygen bar thing That didn't really take off I think they realized that it's in the air You know what I mean It's one of those things where it's like You'll go to a special place And you'll get oxygen And we'll charge you And then someone realized that oh Well No Wasn't it like flavored though Fruity Pebble flavor I don't remember that.

[644] I never went.

[645] I never experienced it.

[646] I imagine it was based on that rad movie.

[647] Did you ever see that incredible movie, Harold and Maud?

[648] Yes.

[649] And you remember she had a little oxygen bar in her house.

[650] And he would take a whiff.

[651] And she would say, what do you smell?

[652] And he'd be like, hot fresh buttered popcorn at the movie theater.

[653] Oh, autumn breeze.

[654] in the sunset strip.

[655] Oh, winter in my, you know.

[656] Yeah.

[657] You remember that actor, right?

[658] Bud Court.

[659] Bud Court.

[660] And the legendary, what's her name?

[661] You say it first, because I know it.

[662] Her name.

[663] Yep.

[664] She's like the best actress of all time.

[665] She was fantastic.

[666] I don't remember.

[667] Ruth Gordon.

[668] Exactly.

[669] I was waiting for you, and you got it.

[670] She knocked it out of the park in that movie.

[671] That was the movie about the 80 -year -old woman and the 20 -year -old boy.

[672] Classic.

[673] Falling in love.

[674] It's like the first cool, quirky, independent movie.

[675] Yeah.

[676] It might be time for Harold and Maud Redux.

[677] You know what I mean?

[678] Who are you going to cast?

[679] Good question.

[680] In the role.

[681] Did you not have time to say question?

[682] You didn't have time for question?

[683] It's just more fun with the pronunciation.

[684] Ruth Gordon, she didn't do a lot of movies.

[685] And I don't remember Ruth Gordon from before she was 70.

[686] You know what I mean?

[687] No, no. She had this run.

[688] No one's had a run like this, starting at 70 and ending at 80.

[689] That was just crushing, crushing, crushing, crushing.

[690] Do you think she knew her whole life?

[691] People were like, no, sorry, Ruth.

[692] It didn't quite work out for you.

[693] Just you wait.

[694] When I turned 70.

[695] I don't know much about her.

[696] I should do a little research on her because she's a fascinating lady.

[697] I assume that she was a writer because she had that kind of approach to acting where it was like she's such a brilliant actor.

[698] It feels like she had the mind, a writer's mind.

[699] Can you kind of tell when you see a performer who is also a writer?

[700] Yeah, I think it can.

[701] She was a writer.

[702] She was a writer.

[703] Look at that.

[704] Numerous plays, film scripts, and books, most notably co -writing the screenplay for the 49 film Adam's Rib.

[705] Mm -hmm.

[706] That's a great movie.

[707] She was a Broadway actress at 19.

[708] Oh, damn.

[709] So she was acting all the way back in the tape.

[710] She was, but she probably knew the whole time at 70.

[711] I'm putting this into Hyperdrive, which is what I intend to do.

[712] I'm holding back.

[713] What an inspiration.

[714] And who saw us going there?

[715] That's the magic of this podcast.

[716] You never know where we're going to end up.

[717] That's right.

[718] And we ended up with you regularly gas your balls.

[719] Yeah, and dream of Ruth Gordon.

[720] And this is the beginning of a true friendship.

[721] Don't you think, now we've crossed paths many times over the years.

[722] I've a huge admirer of years, and now I feel like there's a real friendship here that will...

[723] It's really going to get in the way of my WGT golf time, though, which is literally all the time.

[724] So if you...

[725] It's really an annoying one.

[726] I have to stop playing my WGT golf to do anything.

[727] So you think the chances are you and I won't have...

[728] hang together because of your WGT Golf on your phone.

[729] I'd love to make a date to push bikes up a mountain, and I'd love to hear them bells, jingling, jangling on the way down.

[730] It's all about the way down, you know what I mean?

[731] The punishment of pushing the bike and the embarrassment as you cross people are like, oh, nice push in there, you know, because everyone knows you're supposed to be riding it, but it's too hard.

[732] Right.

[733] So you're pushing it up.

[734] But when you get up to the top and you look down, you're like, I'm going to ride this baby all the way home.

[735] Because I'm next to a hill, like in the Los Felis area.

[736] Got it.

[737] Griffith Park Hills.

[738] Nice.

[739] You come riding down that hill, you can ride it all the way home.

[740] I tell you my dream.

[741] Yeah.

[742] My dream, and this is real, this is a fantasy of mine, is I've had friends, because I ride with these other guys at mountain bike, I have friends that ride up in the hills above L .A., and they've encountered like a bobcat.

[743] you know and the bobcat usually looks at them and then walks away I want to be on my bike and counter a bobcat and fight it I really do I really want to fight it and I know I'd get somewhat hurt but I know that I would come back out of the hills and people would have a real respect for me for the first time in my life I would fucking fight a bobcat I would come back what so now I mean don't you can't you see this like I'd be scraped and scratched and I would have wrestled the cat And the cat eventually And I would have parted company And then they'd be...

[744] You would have been murdered What?

[745] What do you mean?

[746] Wouldn't you?

[747] Would I be killed?

[748] Yeah, he's very easily murdered.

[749] Who is?

[750] Not murdered, but killed.

[751] You're murderable.

[752] Yeah, you're very easily killable.

[753] Yeah.

[754] So I think you would be killed.

[755] I would cover my throat the whole time Because that's where they try and get the jugular.

[756] That'll help.

[757] Yeah.

[758] That'll help.

[759] I would have one hand covering my jugular and the other I would just be swatting at this bobcat.

[760] No. No?

[761] No. You'll die.

[762] You'll die quickly.

[763] There was a story about a guy who was attacked and fought and killed a Bobcat.

[764] Yes, I saw that.

[765] Not that long ago.

[766] Right.

[767] Like a year ago, maybe.

[768] And it seemed like he was this heroic figure for the first like 24 hours of this story coming out.

[769] And then the next day a little Morris came out that it was actually a tiny little baby Bobcat that he had murdered.

[770] And it was less heroic.

[771] And it was sleeping.

[772] And Horch just sort of sad.

[773] But no, then he had to, the next day after that, it was like, no, you don't understand.

[774] Even though it was a little one, it was really dangerous.

[775] It was still self -defense.

[776] Yeah.

[777] I was almost killed.

[778] Right.

[779] It turned out that he had four machetes and it was sleeping.

[780] So at the end of the day, he was 50 -50 hero and 50 -50.

[781] No, I think it's 80 -20.

[782] Yeah.

[783] 80 -douche, 20 -hero.

[784] I feel like that would be kind of your story coming down to me. It would.

[785] They would find out later on, no, that's a cat.

[786] It was Bobcat Goldwater.

[787] Yeah, it was Bobcat Goldthwaite.

[788] Bobcat Goldthwaite was sleeping on a park bench, taking a nap in Santa Monica, and you rode by, got off your bike, and hit him with the manhole cover.

[789] So, well, this has been a real joy.

[790] I, I, I, I, you are, you're one of the most enjoyable fellows.

[791] Thank you.

[792] In the, in the whole business of show.

[793] Which is show business.

[794] No, please.

[795] It's true.

[796] Well, it's really, you know, stretch that thought out a little bit in about 10 minutes.

[797] Feel free to snip and cut if there's any long, awkward sections where I rambled on.

[798] No, no, no. We like to only have the long, awkward sections.

[799] Cool.

[800] It's called Long and Awkward with Conan O 'Brien.

[801] That's you.

[802] What?

[803] That's you.

[804] Oh, God.

[805] I don't like the way this ended.

[806] Jack, you're a great man. Man, thank you very much for being here.

[807] Thank you, kindly.

[808] Every so often, I think it's good to do a state of the podcast, sort of a state of the union thing.

[809] Your voice started really high there.

[810] Did you hear that?

[811] Every so often.

[812] You went, every...

[813] Do you hear that son of?

[814] A little bit.

[815] Yeah, he went every so often.

[816] But anyway, I think, go ahead.

[817] I don't want it to criticize or make you feel self -conscious.

[818] No, you've never done that.

[819] Go ahead.

[820] Okay.

[821] So I thought we'd check in and see where we are.

[822] I've really having a great time.

[823] I'll admit, I was a little worried.

[824] God, we're going to do this a second season, and what if it starts to feel like a job?

[825] I think we have retained our level of unprofessionalism.

[826] I think it's as foolish as ever.

[827] It trickles down.

[828] Yeah.

[829] We should be commended on our levels of maintaining this unprofessionalism.

[830] Yes, I think so.

[831] And, yeah, I've been really having a good time and loving the guests this season and just enjoying it, really enjoying it.

[832] And for me to truly enjoy myself is unheard of.

[833] Yeah.

[834] So, no, what about you?

[835] It's cool.

[836] Sorry.

[837] You see an edible fell out of her mouth when she said that?

[838] No, I'm fine.

[839] Are you okay?

[840] Yeah, I'm fine.

[841] Okay, it's all good, right?

[842] What are you doing?

[843] I don't know.

[844] It seems a little buzzed.

[845] I'm not buzzed.

[846] Okay.

[847] Don't do that.

[848] It's 11 .30 of morning.

[849] It's 11 .30.

[850] I didn't do anything.

[851] Okay.

[852] If you worked for you, you'd be high all the time.

[853] That's great.

[854] If I worked for me, I'd be high all the time.

[855] Yeah, you'd put it in your breakfast.

[856] I'm a lovely boss, I think.

[857] Oh, I really do.

[858] Yeah, I am a good boss.

[859] We were just talking about how you called my dad Geppetto because he has a mustache and you said he made my brother out of wood.

[860] Yeah.

[861] Your father.

[862] It's true.

[863] When I first met your father, I saw that he had this big white mustache and then, and you have an older brother.

[864] And then I started imitating your father by putting my finger under my nose, pretending it was a mustache.

[865] and talking about how he carved, he wanted a boy, so he carved your brother Danny out of wood.

[866] And then Danny came to life and started trading in stocks.

[867] Yeah.

[868] Are you proud of yourself?

[869] Yeah, I thought it was pretty funny.

[870] I remember you actually laughing really hard at the time.

[871] It was, it was funny.

[872] It was funny.

[873] Yeah.

[874] And I love your dad.

[875] I danced with your dad at your wedding.

[876] Yeah.

[877] We did a crazy dance together.

[878] Mm -hmm.

[879] And I remember...

[880] People threw money on you.

[881] Yes.

[882] People were throwing money.

[883] It's an Armenian, I guess, tradition that they throw money up in the air.

[884] Yeah.

[885] And so I remember just getting showered with dollar bills while I was doing an insane dance with your father and I couldn't keep up with your dad.

[886] He must jazzercise constantly.

[887] It was amazing what your dad was able to do.

[888] No, but you did, you did really well.

[889] You did.

[890] That's a video.

[891] It's out there.

[892] It's a video that's out there.

[893] It's Conan dancing at my wedding with my dad and people throwing money and it's really, it was really fun.

[894] And I made $66 that day.

[895] You took the money?

[896] That wasn't for you.

[897] I fought a child.

[898] There was a little boy that came out who must have been four years old.

[899] I think was one of your nephews.

[900] Pinocchio.

[901] Yeah, a little Pinocchio.

[902] I mean, he was made of wood, but he was slowly coming to life.

[903] And I remembered he was picking up the dollar bills off the floor, and I thought I'm the one that danced.

[904] So I gave him a hockey hip check, and he went flying into some baklava, and I picked up all the money.

[905] Like an exotic dancer.

[906] Yeah, and stuffed it into my pants.

[907] like a freak Yeah, those were good times That was a great wedding Thank you Yeah, really good I was invited So the state of the podcast is pretty good I would say look There's a lot of We have a little bit of dysfunction here Yeah At the show A lot But I do think that it's real Here's what I'm learning about As I do this podcast I'm learning Sona I love that the real you comes across Sona's gift I think on this podcast is that she is always 100 % herself.

[908] Oh.

[909] And I've seen you in, you meet all these famous people and you're always just Sona.

[910] You don't, you don't freak out.

[911] You're always like, oh, hi, you know, Hillary Clinton or high famous person and you're just to yourself.

[912] Gourley, I'm learning that you are a god in the podcast here.

[913] Every time guests come in here, they're like, oh, I love your podcast.

[914] Jim, Jim, Jim, and Jub, Jub, or Flip, Flop and Squubb, you know, you have all these.

[915] Squub, Squubbs, good.

[916] Thank you.

[917] That's my past.

[918] No, but you have like, I guess you've, have you hosted like 40 podcasts?

[919] It's something ridiculous like that.

[920] It's not, I'm not proud of it.

[921] Why?

[922] Well, it's ridiculous.

[923] It's absurd.

[924] I mean, some of them are truly absurd.

[925] No, but you get a lot of street cred.

[926] When people come in here and I'm always surprised, because sometimes it'll be, you know, someone who I won't think will know you.

[927] Yeah, me too.

[928] Like a Robert Caro, like a great historian is in his 80s.

[929] He did not.

[930] Yeah, he came in and he was like, oh my God, you do flub, flubb on the squanto.

[931] And I love it.

[932] I love the one, you know.

[933] Robert Carroll did improv with you.

[934] Remember the time you and I. We do do improv together weekly.

[935] He's a regular at UCB.

[936] So anyway, I was, that's what I'm learning.

[937] Well, we, the three of us, we really bring the goods, don't we, in our relative expertise of hosting, of podcasting and of being yourself.

[938] Yeah.

[939] It's sort of a, yeah, it's a 955, I think.

[940] Oh.

[941] Wow.

[942] I think that's an accurate.

[943] 90, 5 .5?

[944] I think I bring an incredible, like 90%, you know, and then...

[945] No, I think if this podcast...

[946] Hey, be happy with five.

[947] I think if this podcast was just you, people would hate you.

[948] We make you likable.

[949] Yeah.

[950] You humanize me. We humanize you.

[951] Because you are, you could be...

[952] Untrue.

[953] Whatever you're going to say now, you're going to go too far and say I'm a monster or something.

[954] I was actually thinking monster.

[955] You know me so well.

[956] I was thinking inhuman monster.

[957] Yeah, but no, that's not true.

[958] You are, you know what, you are.

[959] You are, you know, let's keep in mind.

[960] We all love each other.

[961] Yes, sure.

[962] Let's keep in mind, Stalin was fun at a party.

[963] Okay.

[964] Why did you say that, though?

[965] That makes sense.

[966] Yeah, I think that's right.

[967] Why would you say that?

[968] Have I collectivized farms?

[969] Have I displaced millions?

[970] Yes, in my own way, I have.

[971] But at a party, I'm really fun.

[972] Well, now Stalin had a kind of Geppetto mustache.

[973] He did.

[974] Okay.

[975] for comparing it to my dad.

[976] Yeah.

[977] That was nice.

[978] You just did a nice tie -in.

[979] That was good.

[980] Thank you for that.

[981] At least in my telling, Sona's dad is a kindly man, who all he wants is a boy.

[982] In yours, he's probably the worst mass murder in history.

[983] Well, you were likening yourself to Stalin.

[984] Only in the good qualities, in that I love to talk to my staff late at night at parties where I force him to drink a lot of vodka.

[985] And I'm incredibly paranoid.

[986] And, yeah.

[987] I don't like it.

[988] You don't like what now?

[989] You compared yourself to Stalin and then you got angry that I was going to go call you a monster but you yourself you do it to you you're just, you know what I don't know I'm over it Yeah well We're walking out We're unionizing That was the least coherent clapback Yeah well you You just Because you That I'm over it Gloop Wow Sona claps back Incoherently Hey guess what The English language Just clapped back at you.

[990] This is a full -on Twitter feud between you and the English language.

[991] Oh, my God.

[992] Oh, come on.

[993] So we're just having a good time here.

[994] Everyone has some vodka.

[995] Come on.

[996] Oh, thank you.

[997] Goop, go, go, go, go, go.

[998] Well, the state of the podcast is strong.

[999] Is it?

[1000] I really don't think it is.

[1001] It's as strong as ever.

[1002] Train wreck.

[1003] Barely hanging on.

[1004] This is, we're going full steam ahead.

[1005] By a very thin thread.

[1006] Dept it up a notch here.

[1007] We go home to our podcast home where the three of us live.

[1008] Oh, God.

[1009] Yeah.

[1010] This is my nightmare.

[1011] I think the state of the podcast is strong.

[1012] and I have both of you to thank for that.

[1013] I thank you.

[1014] 955 still?

[1015] Yeah.

[1016] I'm gonna what?

[1017] I'm 88.

[1018] Oh, thanks.

[1019] You're two and Gorley's 10.

[1020] That might be.

[1021] If you take this, you get 10.

[1022] That's accurate, though, kind of.

[1023] I can't throw you under the bus.

[1024] Do it.

[1025] You know you want to.

[1026] Favorite nations.

[1027] No. Yeah.

[1028] You're not going to drive a wedge.

[1029] If you've enjoyed listening to Gorley today, check him out.

[1030] Are you what, how many podcasts do you have right now?

[1031] right now?

[1032] Two, two, three.

[1033] Oh, they're clearly very important to you.

[1034] I know.

[1035] They come and go.

[1036] In a way, they're not.

[1037] But that's why they're fun, right?

[1038] Nope.

[1039] I believe in really caring so much about your work that it's an indelible part of your soul.

[1040] But that's where you and I do.

[1041] Oh, God.

[1042] Okay.

[1043] Yeah, I have a soul.

[1044] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[1045] With Sonam Obsessian and Conan O 'Brien as himself.

[1046] Produced by me, Matt Goorley.

[1047] Executive produced by Adam Sacks and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf.

[1048] Theme song by The White Stripes.

[1049] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[1050] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[1051] The show is engineered by Will Beckton.

[1052] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review featured on a future episode.

[1053] Got a question for Conan?

[1054] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -282.

[1055] and leave a message.

[1056] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[1057] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[1058] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.