Steve Martin and Martin Short

[0] Hi, my name is Martin Short, and I feel duped about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[1] Hi, my name is Steve Martin, and I feel sad about being Conan O 'Brien's only friend.

[2] Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are going to be, friends you're going to be friends Hey there, welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend And no, Sona was not just punching me Before she fled back to her chair You swatted her elbow first Yeah, you did, you scoot it over No, I was trying to help her She seemed unsteady And I would never swat at anyone She seemed unsteady And I was sitting I was helping her adjust herself in her seat No Oh, okay, I didn't realize I think you're just angry I was talking about how many cups you had.

[3] You didn't realize.

[4] There was a narc over here.

[5] Yeah, that's right.

[6] Get ready.

[7] This guy's working.

[8] Listen, there was some shenanigans just before the podcast started.

[9] Maybe I took a swing at Sona's shoulder.

[10] Yeah.

[11] Slightly missed it.

[12] And then she needed to retaliate.

[13] And then, of course, teacher, teacher, I saw what happened.

[14] I did see what happened.

[15] From Mr. Matt Gourley over here.

[16] And I tell the truth.

[17] I appreciate it.

[18] You're a truth teller.

[19] You know, no one asked you.

[20] You my big baby.

[21] What?

[22] What the fuck was that?

[23] Sometimes I start speaking before I know where I'm headed.

[24] I mean sometimes.

[25] That is 97 % of the time.

[26] Here are the three things that went through my head, Robocop style.

[27] Like, I had a readout of options.

[28] It was my big baby, my big daddy, and my big gay boy.

[29] I'm none of those things.

[30] You're none of those things.

[31] I'm not saying this is like good or rights or healthy.

[32] I have a problem.

[33] I like that this seconds ago, I was taking a swing at Sona, and she was returning fire by swatting at me, and then you end up the villain.

[34] Am I the villain or am I just the misunderstood genius?

[35] I appreciate it.

[36] I'm looking it up right now, and no, villain and fool.

[37] Okay, big giggy.

[38] Oh, boy.

[39] Man, you're just the worst.

[40] Well, it's faulty.

[41] The wiring's off, but someday it'll get there.

[42] I do love, I used to love when people would get really angry and try to yell at someone and swear, but not be able to pull it off.

[43] And I knew people that would do that.

[44] I know someone in particular, I won't name them, but they'd be like, sh -ee -s -h -s -sched -sitter!

[45] Fuckler!

[46] And they just couldn't put it together.

[47] That's my, that's me. I'll damn you, shit man. What?

[48] Yeah.

[49] It's just so easy to curse, though.

[50] Let's see it.

[51] Go ahead, genius.

[52] You fucking piece of shit, dick - fuck.

[53] You're just a big Sampaper baby Who's got little feet And don't even know who cheek people are That's a good one And the fact that you don't know Who cheek people are is your worst quality Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Go buy some lips, you reach around Yeah, okay You know what, it doesn't work Now you're on fire Okay You started out, I mean, good Lord You didn't have it earlier Yeah, now it's fantastic Yeah No, but Sona you are very good I've seen Sona get mad many times.

[54] And often, I have to say, not at me, just at random people.

[55] And you are a terrific at swearing.

[56] I am great.

[57] You are really good at it.

[58] You are concise.

[59] Yes.

[60] They explode out of your face, these curses.

[61] Is this the way you grew up?

[62] No. Because your parents.

[63] My mom would be horrified that I'd be cursing.

[64] They're nice people.

[65] And I think that's why I got good at it.

[66] That's why, because my mom didn't want me to curse.

[67] And so I was like, well, I'm going to show you.

[68] I'm going to curse.

[69] The best out of anybody.

[70] Well, good for you.

[71] Thank you so much.

[72] You overcame your obstacles.

[73] My dad and Ojoic cursed a lot.

[74] And I'm wondering why that's why I'm bad at cursing because I never got to exercise that muscle.

[75] My father, I have a specific memory, which is my father, you know, there wasn't much swearing in our house.

[76] Occasionally, you know, there'd be, there wasn't.

[77] There wasn't much swearing at our house.

[78] Occasionally.

[79] Okay, that's nice.

[80] What, I'm being serious.

[81] That's not good at cursing.

[82] What are you talking about?

[83] You keep the Irish.

[84] No, the Irish curse means we have small penises.

[85] Not that Irish curse.

[86] That makes more sense.

[87] Yeah, please.

[88] That's the Irish curse.

[89] Okay.

[90] All right.

[91] I mean, I've been looking for mine for years.

[92] Oh, man. I mean, give me a map.

[93] Hell!

[94] What were you going to say?

[95] No, we're going to stick on this theme now.

[96] I've used ways to find it.

[97] Okay.

[98] No, we could go somewhere else.

[99] It's fine.

[100] It's solid C plus.

[101] Anyway, uh, and you dropped your penis.

[102] It's at the bottom of that tequila bottle.

[103] So anyway, no, I grew up in a very proper house.

[104] My mother really didn't want, you know, swearing, and there wasn't a lot of swearing.

[105] Really, none at all.

[106] And then I'll never forget, I had my room was up in the attic.

[107] I lived up there with my brother Neil and my sister Kate.

[108] And we were, there were so many of us, they said, okay, some of you were going up to the attic and it was pretty clear who was headed up there.

[109] So I'm at the end of the attic.

[110] Now, what I remember is once.

[111] You're saying you didn't draw, draws.

[112] Oh, no, no, we didn't draw straws.

[113] It was you three, you three up into the attic now.

[114] And we'll send a plate of food and you can figure out who gets it.

[115] There was plenty of space, a lot of empty bedrooms.

[116] Tons of rooms.

[117] Bording house, basically.

[118] No, no, we had a, we had a car on a revolving display on the second floor.

[119] That's how much extra room we had.

[120] 1975 Buick Skylar.

[121] There was just so much extra room.

[122] But anyway, so I'm up there and I'm in my bed.

[123] and it's dark out.

[124] And all I remember is my father was coming up and he was trying to find something and it was very late.

[125] And my sister, Kate, was not in her room at the time.

[126] I think they were doing some work in that room.

[127] And all I know was that there was a bunch of junk in there, including a big bed frame that was jutting out at a weird angle.

[128] And so I'm in my bed and I'm just about to fall asleep.

[129] And my closet connected to my sister's closet.

[130] Like you could walk from one right through to the other so there was yeah it was just a a way for my sister to escape or for me to escape uh it's the kind of house we lived in anyway but i'm i'm not lying it they did connect it was just an opening and you could walk right into the other room and so uh it's dark out and i'm just kind of falling asleep and my father comes up the stairs and he's looking for something in kate's room but it's dark and all the sudden i hear this unmistakable sound of his shin hitting the iron bed frame that's jutting out in the darkness and I heard every single every single swear you could ever imagine oh you're censoring yourself but he didn't censor it's funnier to me that it's just I remember it it was so jarring and so traumatic I remember it as get said I'm a shit of my shudder a assid a freak a second That's how it's coming out.

[131] And I heard every swear that's ever been invented from this, like, you know, very brilliant scientist.

[132] He learned it all in one fell swoop.

[133] Oh, in one, I mean, if I had a recorder running and I've had them all.

[134] It's like, yep, he got every single one.

[135] And I remember just pulling the blanket over my head.

[136] Oh, my God.

[137] Did he have, like, colloquial swears?

[138] Because my dad, for some reason, had his own, like, jazz sweat.

[139] where lingo where he would go, God damn it anyway and God damn it all.

[140] Make sure you damn it every single way you can and all of it.

[141] And he would like put up the tree.

[142] But what does God damn it anyway mean?

[143] He would put it anyway after God damn it just completely takes the power away to, God damn it anyway.

[144] No, it wasn't like that.

[145] It takes the power away.

[146] He put up the Christmas tree and it wouldn't work.

[147] And I love this man. And I love him for this.

[148] But he'd be like, God damn it anyway.

[149] God damn it all.

[150] And these were just like, I don't know if they were like passed down through the family or what.

[151] But I now will stub a toe or something and, like, I have to stop myself from going, God damn it anyway.

[152] I think that's why I go to, like, you're a cheek people.

[153] Yeah.

[154] Or a tooth lover.

[155] I don't know.

[156] I just want to get away from.

[157] I want to stop the cycle.

[158] We had a lot of ethnic curse words in, like, a lot of Turkish ones and Armenian ones.

[159] Yeah.

[160] Well, one of it might, oh, this is bad.

[161] For people who actually know what I'm saying, they're bad.

[162] But, like, one was like, Baba Janinaas Sitchim or, you know, Pezivankcholish, things like that.

[163] Those are the things my dad said when he hit his shin.

[164] He was Turkish.

[165] My dad's Turkish.

[166] Oh, my God.

[167] He said, but a haboshabashabashim.

[168] One was all shit on your dad's soul.

[169] And my dad would say that to people.

[170] And sometimes, like, you know, he'd do it as a throw away.

[171] I'll shit on your dad's soul.

[172] That is fantastic.

[173] Oh, turkey.

[174] You devils.

[175] What was the other one?

[176] Uh, one's like, Pezavang is like a, like a pimp or sikid is like fuck it or, you know, Isholeshig is like a son of a donkey, you know, it's, it's, it's a lot of us.

[177] I mean, whatever, but I'll shit on your dad's soul.

[178] Yeah.

[179] That should, they should win the Olympics.

[180] Yeah, because that's graphic and poetic.

[181] It's like figurative.

[182] It is also very gross.

[183] And I think of the soul as being ethereal, like the shit would drop through it.

[184] Uh -huh.

[185] But no, this is proof that the soul has.

[186] some viscosity.

[187] But what if the only way you can materialize a soul is to shit on it and you find like, you know when you pour paint on the invisible man?

[188] Right.

[189] If you shit on the soul, you can trap a soul.

[190] Yeah, check your toilet bowl next time.

[191] Make sure there's nobody's soul in there.

[192] Oh, no, I just flushed grandma.

[193] Oh, man. Well, she's going to a better place.

[194] Don't shit on grandma's soul.

[195] She's going to a better place.

[196] The water salonization plant.

[197] Yeah, in our house, it was all Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

[198] I mean, it was all Catholic stuff.

[199] And so it didn't really, it was just more of a prayer.

[200] More of a litany.

[201] Your grandma didn't swear?

[202] Oh, my God, no. My grandma, Madi, who lived with us?

[203] I didn't, I don't know why I just think Irish people are just, they swear.

[204] They swear.

[205] No, you're thinking of pirates.

[206] No, my Irish grandmother was the most, she was a very well -educated school.

[207] teacher and she lived with us and she would say oh moses oh moses that was the and she would say it all the time like what's wrong maudy nothing oh moses oh god oh god that's like a haunted house like you just hear that in the night well she loved bad news too she loved oh maudy something terrible happened oh tell me tell me and she would love because the irish loved bad news so once it was her birthday and so i said hey maudy happy birthday and i jumped off the top steps of our stairway and pretended to get hurt because I thought that would make her happy.

[208] Happy birthday!

[209] And I jumped.

[210] And then I was thinking, did you like that?

[211] You thought I was hurt for a second.

[212] Oh, Moses.

[213] Thank you.

[214] Thank you.

[215] Well, anyway, this was very educational, I think.

[216] Sona, I will never shit on your soul.

[217] Oh, that's really nice.

[218] Wait, thinking, nope, I won't.

[219] Oh, okay.

[220] Okay, everybody, settle down.

[221] Settle down.

[222] Please, I want you to settle down.

[223] Sorry.

[224] I've got some exciting news.

[225] And when do I have exciting news?

[226] It's never happened.

[227] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend is coming to you live at the Brooklyn Academy of Music for two shows, November 7th, November 8th, as part of the New York Comedy Festival.

[228] Presale tickets will be available starting this Wednesday, August 23rd, at 11 a .m., that's Eastern Time, with the code NYCF before the general on sale, which is Friday, August 25th, at 11 a .m. ET.

[229] I'm very excited about this to get your tickets and all information that you need, head to NYcomedyfestival .com, and we will see you very soon in Brooklyn.

[230] Yes.

[231] All right.

[232] You can't waste any more time.

[233] Let's do this.

[234] Because this is very rare.

[235] My guests today, they are legends, without doubt, comedic legends at the top, and they're also my personal heroes.

[236] And I'm so thrilled they're on the show today.

[237] They star in the hit Hulu series only murders in the building.

[238] I am beyond thrilled.

[239] There aren't words.

[240] Just so happy they're here.

[241] Steve Martin and Martin Short, welcome.

[242] Gentlemen, it's a rare honor to have you both here.

[243] Thank you, Cohn.

[244] In the same room.

[245] I'll tell you one thing.

[246] It's rare to be here.

[247] I left out the word honor, but it's just an oversight.

[248] Just before we started recording, Marty, you verbally assaulted me. No, no, no, no. I said it with love that to me, when I said, see you, you look like someone freeze -dried Prince Harry.

[249] That's all I saw.

[250] I, uh, my staff looks forward to any time that Marty can.

[251] Pardon me?

[252] I have a staff.

[253] Wow.

[254] Jeez.

[255] It gets, it gets.

[256] What kind of podcast is it?

[257] It's very luke.

[258] It gets smaller every year.

[259] Yeah.

[260] But, um, no, we have fans of my show.

[261] And yes, there are fans of the work that I've done in the past.

[262] Let's not have any mock surprise about that but they um they have put together a uh mashup of uh of marty coming on the show and ripping me apart uh and it is wildly popular oh really oh yes it is it is wildly popular and it delights uh my writers to the point where the last time when we were wrapping up the late night show a epic 28 year run thank you i'm driving to one of the last episodes that Marty's going to do, and he did an extremely funny bit on it, and I'm driving to the theater.

[263] I looked down and I realize I'm doing something I rarely do, which is wear shorts.

[264] And immediately I thought, I'm driving towards the Largo Theater, and I thought, fuck, who's on today?

[265] Marty's on today.

[266] And I knew that he would destroy me. And sure enough, you come in and hello, hello, everybody.

[267] I see those two eyes dart over, and they see my freckled legs there, and it began.

[268] And it began, and it was...

[269] Well, it was quite a sight.

[270] It was absolutely a terrifying sight.

[271] And you couldn't, because normally you can't see where the stilts are attached, but you could, you could that day.

[272] The shorts revealed way too much.

[273] Oh, and they were short shorts.

[274] Yeah, oh, 1970s.

[275] Yeah, Joey Hetherton.

[276] Like you were entertaining the troops.

[277] But the writers were so, so happy.

[278] And then, of course, you're the line that just, you set it on late night and it's lived forever, which is, well, you'll do it better than I, but it was, Conan, whatever you're doing to your face, I say 20 % more and then stop.

[279] Which is mean, nine different...

[280] And yet it's a love letter.

[281] It's a combo.

[282] It's a combo of energy.

[283] I love it's also done with care.

[284] Yes.

[285] You're worried about me. Yeah.

[286] A little more.

[287] About 20 % more.

[288] Now I feel like I have to put you down and I've got nothing.

[289] No, no, no. You don't because you're Steve.

[290] Oh.

[291] Help.

[292] Lime.

[293] Well, I don't want to embarrass either of you, so I won't mention that you are just two of my absolute comedy heroes.

[294] I'm sure you hear that kind of thing all the time.

[295] And it bores you.

[296] you, but one of the pleasures of my life, and I'm not kidding, was when you asked me to do a cameo in your show, your live show, Cesar's Palace in Las Vegas.

[297] I was outside my body, getting to be on a stage with you guys.

[298] It made me so happy, so legitimately, sincerely happy.

[299] You killed him.

[300] I remember, he did kill.

[301] I mean, we learned a lesson.

[302] You showed up with writers.

[303] One writer.

[304] I can't afford to.

[305] I showed up with my...

[306] Well, you're a writer.

[307] Yeah.

[308] Oh, that's true.

[309] That's true.

[310] Well, I suppose I am.

[311] No, and Matt, he's Matt O 'Brien, no relation, but I only hire O 'Brien's.

[312] And he idolizes you both as well, and he was just in heaven.

[313] And then there was, but I thought, yeah, come along with me and help me tweak a few things since I really wanted it to be better than what I could do.

[314] It was.

[315] It was inspiring.

[316] And we've had people show up with nothing, no riders.

[317] And they did way better, by the way.

[318] And then I heard you guys later bumped into Lowe.

[319] Letterman, and he was like, Conan brought a writer?

[320] No, no, because Dave did it as well one night, yeah, in Texas.

[321] What was the line you were sitting off stage with Dave?

[322] And he looked, what was it?

[323] You were sitting off stage waiting for me, come on.

[324] He'd look kind of morose.

[325] This sounds like Dave so far.

[326] What was this?

[327] I can't remember.

[328] Yeah, that was a. I remember he was, well, he had.

[329] They edit, by the way.

[330] He had.

[331] Oh, okay.

[332] No, no, no, no. He had, oh, not at all.

[333] No. An editor costs money as well.

[334] Everything is in.

[335] No, but it was.

[336] fantastic it was uh but i remember you were saying that dave was sort of he had been off the air for just a little bit and then of course he always does the thing where he's horrified that he if i go on stage it'll just be awful yeah and i'm like you're david letterman what do you know but he's done it and of course the place goes nuts yes and then and then afterwards he still has a negative feeling about it even though he killed yeah he but he had only been off a few i think this was like in june and he'd left six weeks before right exactly exactly but he is his person is always, you know, he came by, and which meant a lot to me, did a cameo on late night, which was his old studio, and he came by, and of course, his attitude was, well, they're just going to hate me. Well, there's a, you know, there's a, how will they know who I am?

[337] That's right.

[338] Will you say my name before I come out?

[339] There's a self -defense mechanism in being overly paranoid.

[340] And then when you get a little cheer when you come out and you go, oh, I was wrong.

[341] Yes, yes.

[342] I'm familiar with that.

[343] Except with Marty.

[344] Yeah, I think with me. Yes, I think, and I think it's kept me out of the big money, not having that attitude of just kind of going, oh, you don't like me?

[345] Well, you know, and I don't like you either.

[346] But good night.

[347] Yeah.

[348] It is a little.

[349] No, he does have that attitude.

[350] I'm this insecure, shaking one.

[351] And he says, I don't give a fuck.

[352] Right.

[353] They're going to love me. Well, if they don't, guess what?

[354] If I had dinner with them, I'd be bored.

[355] Yeah.

[356] Oh, yeah.

[357] Well, often that was your opening line, though.

[358] It was.

[359] And I didn't know why I didn't play.

[360] Who are you people?

[361] No one's bathed, obviously.

[362] Good night.

[363] Where's my big money?

[364] Why didn't I get the big money?

[365] Why don't they like me?

[366] They never hire me again.

[367] So I got to see your show, and I was so impressed with how you guys worked it out.

[368] And even though you both knew the show so well, you had a rehearsal, and you were still working so hard to make sure that it went perfectly at rehearsal.

[369] And I thought, there are no accidents.

[370] Like, people that are good, in my opinion, There, yes, there is talented, but there is talent, but then there's just this, just mad desire to get it perfectly right, and it never goes away.

[371] Well, I always think that, that, by the way, I'm, I'm here too.

[372] Go ahead.

[373] Oh, what did you, did you just sneak into this chair?

[374] No, but I'm always amazed that.

[375] I feel like I, should I start raising my hand?

[376] Okay, well, go ahead.

[377] You say something.

[378] No, I don't have it.

[379] I had something.

[380] I say, I think we prepare, I prepare out of fear.

[381] Yep.

[382] And also love, because when we get a new joke, I'm energized the whole show.

[383] I cannot wait to get to this joke.

[384] And often they don't work.

[385] In fact, here's an example, because I thought.

[386] Let me just say, when they don't work, I am like either on stage or in the wings, I go hysterical.

[387] Because he's been so excited all day about this.

[388] Go ahead.

[389] I had a joke the other night, and I thought, when I introduced Marty, I thought, oh, this is really going to work.

[390] Right.

[391] And then we're going to analyze why it didn't work afterwards.

[392] Yes.

[393] But I said, and this man, he's done live television, he's been in film, and he's done Broadway, and truly, he is a master of the toxic workplace environment.

[394] And it was just sort of like, uh -huh.

[395] Uh -huh.

[396] And I realized later it's had too many words in it.

[397] Yeah.

[398] No, no, I don't think it's that.

[399] Or it needed to be more of like a casual throwaway in the middle of the party.

[400] Inside toxic.

[401] You had to have just read the story about that toxician lady.

[402] Oh, you mean to be alive?

[403] No, no, no. I don't think everyone is following, you know, variety and memorizing.

[404] Everybody knows about a toxic workplace environment.

[405] Obviously not because you've got nothing on the joke.

[406] Remember that part?

[407] I mean, Conan's shorts represent a toxic workplace environment.

[408] Absolutely for the crew.

[409] Oh, we settled out of court.

[410] No, it's just, well, I've gone mad trying to just figure out why did one thing work and why did another thing not work is sometimes something works and you don't know why it's because I don't know in a on the face of it whether that's is that really a funny joke one time I was doing Letterman and they started to laugh and I didn't know why you mean the you mean the show right and they started to laugh and I said to Dave what are they laughing and he said nothing we're doing but I think that we all over prepare so that if it doesn't go well we don't blame ourselves.

[411] That's part of it.

[412] Yeah.

[413] I think that's part of it.

[414] But I over -prepared out of fear because I shouldn't have any fear at this point.

[415] I relate to that.

[416] I'm afraid.

[417] I'm afraid of the feeling of it not going well is so terrible.

[418] I don't want to have that feeling.

[419] And yet today you don't seem particularly prepared.

[420] Oh, not at all.

[421] No, no, no, not at all.

[422] That was you guys.

[423] I thought, what are you going to do?

[424] You know, this is going to be a mess.

[425] No, I've said this many times.

[426] One time, Steve foamed you up 10 years ago and said, do you have a moment?

[427] I want to run some jokes past you.

[428] And I said, what's this for?

[429] You said, I have Letterman in a month.

[430] And that's why he's...

[431] I was just thinking about jokes you stick with, and they kind of work.

[432] But you like them, and then you let them have their life, and then you take them out.

[433] I was just thinking one, which I discovered, because I was looking back through old material.

[434] And the joke was, in the opening of the show, we used it.

[435] I used it in my banjo show, which was...

[436] You know, we try to do, you know, a good show for everyone, no matter whether you're seated down here in the VIP Golden Circle or up there, you know, refer to the balcony in the corroded zinc fire pits.

[437] It's a little too early for a joke that lengthy, but I just like corroded zinc fire pits.

[438] maybe zinc doesn't corrode and the audience figured that out you know what happened is the night that the chemist convention was in town and they were like you know actually no they just went what's he talking about yeah i was speaking about preparing i i didn't get a chance to tell you this steve because i guess you have caller id um but but marty took the call yeah i did and when you guys co -hosted SNL.

[439] I watched that monologue.

[440] You mean recently?

[441] Yeah.

[442] Oh, that's the only time we've co -hosted.

[443] Yeah, that's right.

[444] Of all the time.

[445] Or was it 40 years ago?

[446] It was last season, and you guys did this monologue, and it was over, and I've worked there.

[447] I've seen thousands of SNL monologues over the years.

[448] I cut my teeth on that show as a young kid watching TV, and I said, that is the best Saturday Night Live monologue I've ever seen.

[449] It was perfect.

[450] So you didn't like my other monologues?

[451] I did.

[452] It was terrible.

[453] Well, whenever you would come out to do a monologue on SNL, you know, everyone knew that was the time to go get a drink.

[454] Well, here's what?

[455] He's the bathroom.

[456] No, here is?

[457] But it was perfect.

[458] It was absolute perfection.

[459] Okay.

[460] Sorry.

[461] May I raise my hand?

[462] Yes.

[463] So that monologue, we didn't know, we worked on with the writers.

[464] We got some things, but we decided we're going to do a bit from our show.

[465] So that will know we can trust it.

[466] So afterwards, it went well.

[467] And the ratings were sky high.

[468] It was the highest rated show.

[469] the year as far as I know.

[470] And I said to Marty, Marty, you know, the monologue went great and the ratings were high.

[471] So there's a chance we'll be asked back to host at some other time.

[472] And I said, and before you say yes, just remember, we worked on that monologue for three years.

[473] You guys had this, I know it's part of your show, but God, it's a good idea.

[474] I care about Steve and I care about Marty and it's so much so that I've prepared the eulogy already that I'm going to give for you and you each have them on you and you, damn it, it's funny.

[475] It's one of the funniest things.

[476] It's such a great, and the minute I hear that, the minute I heard the idea, I was saying, oh, oh, this is a kill zone.

[477] Well, the funniest line to me is Steve's opening line when it goes down the stage.

[478] No, no, no, no, no, there's time for me to talk.

[479] Remember, narcissism is just within, No, but I wanted to explain.

[480] I have a pre -story to that, and then you can say that.

[481] First of all, I was going to do your line, so you might as well keep talking.

[482] No, no, you do the line.

[483] I'm just saying that I had this idea that we would do this eulogy, but I couldn't get, I said, I just don't know how it starts.

[484] I don't know.

[485] There'll be some jokes or something, and then actually a writer sent in and this line.

[486] So it would be me, so you be me speaking.

[487] So the lights come down and it says, remember, Marty and Steve's opening line is, gee, not much of a turnout.

[488] But it enabled the whole piece because we could get into it with the first laugh.

[489] Right, yeah, right, right.

[490] I love it.

[491] Occasionally, you get someone who thinks, why are they being mean to each other?

[492] Yeah.

[493] And that always drives me crazy.

[494] The funniest thing to me is when, you know, we're doing our thing and he'll say something, I'll say something, and you'll hear somebody in the audience go, whoa.

[495] I remember one time being on Conan's show and, you know, I insulted him a great deal.

[496] And then I went to, the next time I was on, I went to YouTube to see what jokes I'd done.

[497] And I read the comments below and people would say, you know, he shouldn't talk to Conan that way.

[498] If Conan wanted to, he could take him apart.

[499] We did a piece.

[500] That's a fun person to have dinner with.

[501] I know.

[502] Why are you making jokes?

[503] We had a, when I was first doing the late night show, we did a piece where, you know, the most beloved, one of the most beloved people at the time was Mary Lou Rett and the gymnast and she's, you know, small and cute, and she won all these gold medals and everyone loves her.

[504] And we did a pre -taped bit where I think Andy says, I'm saying, I think I'm getting the hang of this late night hosting thing.

[505] And he goes, Andy goes like, you know, you could.

[506] Yeah, but the other night I thought you were a little off.

[507] And I said, I don't know what you're talking about.

[508] He cut to a pre -tap of me just loo.

[509] using it on Mary Lou Retton.

[510] And I'm screaming at or fully committed.

[511] And we showed that.

[512] Audience laughs.

[513] I think the next day or the day after that I go on Stern, Howard Stern, he takes calls and someone calls in.

[514] I saw the other night.

[515] And your behavior towards Mary Lou Retton was atrocious.

[516] I don't think you're funny.

[517] That was awful the way you spoke to.

[518] I can't believe you didn't recognize.

[519] has my voice.

[520] Reminds me of a story, I don't know, these are like older, elderly jokes, stories, but Mike Nichols, you know, was married to, is, was married to Diane Sawyer.

[521] And he was, you know, he's a hilariously funny guy, and he would, he would say things like, that invite him to a party, he said, well, I'll have to run by the ball and chain.

[522] So he would call Diana's ball and chain as a joke.

[523] So then, and I think it was Vogue, they said, evidently, Mike Nichols refers to his wife as the ball and chain.

[524] Yeah, you know, it's a negative thing.

[525] So he wrote them a letter, which I think they published, but said, I realize that humor to your editors is like a cross to a vampire.

[526] Mike once said Mike once said to me when we were at this party and he said, where are you staying?

[527] I said, the Essex house.

[528] He said, no, but really.

[529] I feel like I was lucky in the people that I got to meet.

[530] But then I'll look at you two and I think you got to meet so many more people.

[531] Well, you're younger.

[532] Yes, I know.

[533] You're going to meet.

[534] everybody.

[535] I mean, I, I remember sitting when I was 21 years old, and I was hired to write for the Smothers Brothers, and I was very naive, and now we're all at dinner, and Tom and Dick are telling stories about people, and I'm sitting there going, I have no stories.

[536] I can't believe I don't have a story.

[537] Right.

[538] And I was 21, so you've got to be this age, 180, to have a story.

[539] You met General Grant.

[540] Oh, my God.

[541] What a fun guy he was.

[542] But I do think there was that whole...

[543] You said Mary Lincoln could be pushy.

[544] Tell me. But no, even, you know, just in the...

[545] I mean, there's that clip that I've seen a million times.

[546] I think it's you on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, Marty, and I think it's, is Betty Davis sitting next to you?

[547] Yeah, she was...

[548] She had already killed with her three episodes, three segments.

[549] Yeah, three segments.

[550] She done the plate bit and all that.

[551] Yeah, everything.

[552] Yeah, she did...

[553] What do you mean the plate bit?

[554] You're making that out.

[555] Oh, okay.

[556] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, that thing.

[557] But you mean it, she did kill.

[558] She was great.

[559] Yeah, she was great, yeah.

[560] But I just think, oh, Johnny Carson is the host of the Tonight Show, and sitting next to you is Betty Davis.

[561] That's an era of show visit.

[562] And I never met Johnny Carson.

[563] So it was particularly, because I loved Johnny Carson, as we all did, so much.

[564] So that I didn't even do his show for 10 years or eight years or something when I could have because I thought, oh, I'm too hip, I just do Letterman, but the reality I was scared to.

[565] Yeah.

[566] Well, and people don't even understand the era then, because it's all changed so much, but both of you had this experience where you'd go on Johnny Carson's Tonight Show and you'd do your set, and the next day, everybody had seen it.

[567] Yeah, right.

[568] And, you know, you could walk through a hotel lobby.

[569] Steve would just drive from town, from hotel to hotel, just to walk through the lobby, wearing a shirt that said did you just see me on Carson and but people people I have so many stories that I've heard from comedians where they were not famous they did well on Carson and the next day everybody in the United States is saying great job whereas today it's just a completely different my observation of that is a little different but it's too long and boring but I'll tell you one no I'd love to hear that okay well I've that's what I believed you went on Carson and you then the next day were famous.

[570] But I found with myself, you went on Carson.

[571] Next day, nothing.

[572] Then you go on Carson again.

[573] And the next day, somebody looks at you like, did I meet you at a party, a long time?

[574] And then finally it slowly starts to break through.

[575] And finally on my fifth appearance, where I finally got it together, I got a good, good shot.

[576] And I went into a store on Las Zienega Boulevard.

[577] And that woman said, were you that boy that was on the Tonight Show last night?

[578] And I said, Yes, I am.

[579] And she said, Ugh.

[580] Well, there's always that.

[581] There's always that.

[582] And I remember seeing a clip, Marty, I could tell you're just slightly different.

[583] You killed, but you were just, I could tell that you're, you're not the Marty that's going on my show and you're just going to kick the shit out of me. It's going to be so much fun.

[584] You are, you did a very funny thing about spit take, but it was, I could tell, Like, his voice is a little different, and you're being, you're being well -behaved.

[585] Do you know what I mean?

[586] With Carson, he's.

[587] With Carson, yeah.

[588] Yeah, yeah.

[589] I never got that.

[590] You, I don't care.

[591] I mean, there was a, there's a difference between being excited to be on Johnny Carson and then to be slumming it, you know.

[592] Well, there's a certain people, I've never overcome my awe.

[593] And Johnny Carson was one of them that I always felt a little, you know, I hope I'm pleasing him.

[594] Yeah.

[595] You know.

[596] But they knew.

[597] They had.

[598] card games.

[599] Yeah, we played cards together.

[600] We had dinners.

[601] That's a famous card game.

[602] People talk about that card game.

[603] It was really fun.

[604] Yeah.

[605] The lesson of that card game is everything changes.

[606] I mean, you're having, well, you're having poker games with Neil Simon and Carl Reiner and Dan Milnick and, you know, Chevy.

[607] And then people die.

[608] You know, everything changes.

[609] I'm trying to bring up the party here.

[610] I hope I'm happy.

[611] And we're all going to die too.

[612] Yeah.

[613] Yeah.

[614] Yeah.

[615] Never.

[616] All right.

[617] Well, Well, anyway, great scene.

[618] So, shall we, we're going to roll long credits.

[619] Hey, what if we just prayed right now?

[620] We just do a group prayer.

[621] I think that'd be very nice.

[622] And hold hands.

[623] Yeah.

[624] Well, I often think about that it's almost my, the fact that I get to know you guys and talk to you guys at all is, it feels like I'm linking to this very important, I don't know.

[625] And what I would say is I think everybody has kind of a disdain for their own era of show business and and reveres.

[626] Well, what we observe, and I probably applies to you, the younger comedians, like, you know, S &L guys that we kind of know, or you know them better than I because you're a warm person.

[627] But we see that camaraderie among them.

[628] Yeah.

[629] That we assume the, you know, like Don Rickles had, you know, with.

[630] Frank and yeah but I see that we have camaraderie with people of our generation and I see we see the younger people helping each other you know it's a oh absolutely no I mean people like fred armison and John Malaney and Bill Hader are all close close friends and you know them I was they they also have caller ID I was talking to Fred Armisen once I mean this is probably 10 years ago he and he's just hanging around S &L and he said the latest thing that we this is probably old now but right so the latest thing is when you text someone uh and then the misspellings come up and the different words you just don't change them and you just send it off like that but you do that to other comedians fred is an interesting guy because i remember uh i think we had we were at dinner once and might have been at my house and fred was there and didn't say a he's hilariously funny guy but that night he didn't say anything he didn't say a word and I remember him looking up and down the table and everybody's laughing and joking and he was just observing it all and he has that almost like you know I'd always heard Peter Sellers at a party was not a was very quiet and kind of just observing and not I think we were all there we were yes you were there it was a funny guy's dinner it was a funny guy's dinner you were there Steve I was yep yeah sure were I bet you said funny guys you were a last minute edition I was the control group Polly Shore fell out I've been so happy for both of you because you've got this crazy smash hit Only Mirrors in the building and I was initially very, very happy for both of you and I love the show and then I saw so much signage everywhere I drove in L .A. And then I would even leave L .A. And I would go anywhere and I would see both of your faces and I would think, you know, that's it.

[631] No more.

[632] No more.

[633] I can't keep seeing their, this is too much.

[634] This is too much success.

[635] I once did an intro for Tom Hanks.

[636] He was getting AFI Award.

[637] And the bit was something like this.

[638] I'd say, you know, when I first saw Tom in Splash, or on the TV show, what was it?

[639] It was a buzzum button.

[640] Yeah, yeah.

[641] I said, hey, this guy's good, you know, I wish him luck.

[642] You know, and then I saw him in Splash.

[643] And I go, wow, he's got some real comedy chops.

[644] Good for him.

[645] That's great.

[646] And then I saw him in Philadelphia.

[647] And I said, geez, he's really emotional actor.

[648] He's really, really good.

[649] And then I saw him in, what's the war movie?

[650] Saving Private Ryan.

[651] And I thought, Motherfucker.

[652] Can you say that at an AFI?

[653] I guess you can.

[654] I did.

[655] Nice.

[656] Very nice.

[657] Yeah, I was thrilled, thrilled for both of you.

[658] And it's...

[659] We can see it on your face.

[660] Yeah.

[661] If you ignore the tears.

[662] That actually have blood in them.

[663] And you both get to be so funny.

[664] We are so lucky to have a hit at this stage of Marty's life.

[665] No, we are.

[666] It's fantastic, you know.

[667] And the show's fun to do.

[668] The show's fun to do.

[669] We love Selena.

[670] We love everybody work with.

[671] You know, you finally get to the point where a lot of people learn earlier.

[672] I'm not working with assholes anymore.

[673] It's over.

[674] Right.

[675] It's over.

[676] Right.

[677] So everybody there is kind and having fun and upbeat and working for the same goal.

[678] And then you guys announced the cast for the third season, and I became enraged.

[679] I know.

[680] Because I was like, you have a royal flush, but you're adding some more aces to it.

[681] Merrill Street.

[682] Yeah.

[683] I'll tell you a story about Merrill Street.

[684] Yeah.

[685] Really tear a new one, yeah.

[686] Yeah.

[687] We were sitting around, and we're going to start rehearsing.

[688] reversing a scene.

[689] And our, you know, our headwriters there, John Hoffman.

[690] And Merrill says, you know, I just want to say how happy I am that we're all here together and working so hard together.

[691] And John said, yeah, I agree.

[692] And you said, John, that's her first line.

[693] And it happened more than once.

[694] There's a scene on stage where she's supposed to be an actress.

[695] She's going on stage.

[696] And she'd trip.

[697] And then the second take, she tripped again.

[698] And there was a while.

[699] And you realized, we thought she actually.

[700] trip.

[701] And we said, shouldn't someone move that wire?

[702] And she looked at, guys, I'm...

[703] And she also, she was supposed to do a song with an orchestra.

[704] And she'd start to sing.

[705] And she goes, I'm sorry, I can't hear the rhythm.

[706] And they said, well, can we do?

[707] No, that was her, that was her line.

[708] And every time we go, when are they going to fix that rhythm thing?

[709] You can't hear it.

[710] I did a thing.

[711] It was for Norm McDonald here in New York.

[712] And they had some gathering.

[713] And I was, I guess, the MC, for lack of a better word, but I gave the first talk.

[714] But I went up on stage and went, head over heels fall.

[715] People thought it was a pratfall, but it was real.

[716] And I was, you know, made a joke of it and everybody thought, well, and then moved on.

[717] And then I think the second person, yeah, the second person who went up with the third person, they tripped.

[718] And I went to, you know, and I said to a stage hand, what's going on?

[719] Everyone keeps tripping.

[720] He went, oh, yeah, those stairs have been messed up for a long time.

[721] they're not and he was like they're not even yeah until everybody trips anyway no they still haven't fixed those fucking stairs where is that uh it was i don't remember where it was oh thanks thanks well in so we can be tripping anywhere now we're going to go trip somewhere hey we also have paul rudd i was gonna say yeah and i love that you you have this show that everybody agrees is fantastic andria martin and you add you add paul rud you know you don't need Paul Rudd at this point.

[722] It's making it, it's too much.

[723] Yes, and Andrea Martin, and Tina Faye.

[724] Yes.

[725] And Jesse Williams.

[726] You know who wasn't asked.

[727] Who?

[728] Oh, I know who wasn't asked.

[729] I know who wasn't asked.

[730] Because Conan has beady little eyes.

[731] Wait a second.

[732] Wait a second.

[733] In the first season Conan did...

[734] Oh, that's Jimmy Fallon.

[735] No, no. I mean, your name came up.

[736] Oh, it came up.

[737] Yeah.

[738] Oh, good.

[739] You said, you can't light the eyes.

[740] No. He's can't light the eyes.

[741] He's got those Charles Grodden eyes.

[742] You can't light them.

[743] They're like a doll's eyes.

[744] Yeah.

[745] Listen, you're going to figure out a way to work me into this thing.

[746] Sure.

[747] I think, hey, with the premises, we're doing a podcast.

[748] I don't know what you'll play, but I know the title of the episode.

[749] Oh, yes, here we go.

[750] The circus has come to time.

[751] My favorite thing is getting excited about the nice thing I'm sure you're about to say.

[752] Oh, good.

[753] What is it, Marty?

[754] It's the guy who has no memory of how Martin Short has treated him over 25 years.

[755] The absent -minded podcast told me. I love that, yeah.

[756] Oh, Marty's got something to say about that.

[757] God, me, gee, let's have it, Marty.

[758] Or also, you can recognize it later that it was an insult.

[759] Marty said the nicest thing about me. He says I was a total, oh.

[760] Oh.

[761] No, that's what you're about a podcast.

[762] I have, you know, the podcast.

[763] um please that's not me talking that's you know podcast magazine uh guest edited by conan o 'brien but but um but uh yeah i'm sure there's a way to fix me in you know that get me into the mix you know absolutely yes honored incredible you reminded me of a joke i don't know why i've i took jokes we're doing a show next weekend so these jokes are going through my mind it was uh marty would talk about me playing the banjo which you always insults of course and the joke was and may you use He said, and Bluegrass magazine has recently named Steve the official ambassador of the five -string banjo.

[764] It was between him and no one.

[765] Well, you have that great joke.

[766] It has deliverance.

[767] I hope I didn't just really.

[768] It's such a great joke.

[769] What is it?

[770] Touring around with Steve is a lot like the movie Deliverance.

[771] It's all fun in games until the banjos came.

[772] yeah you kindly had me to your apartment once and i remember uh first time i ever met you you do no actually i do no i do all the life went out of you and you said no that was really fun i saw you rise up and then fall down no you came to our apartment and uh met you or was it no no you know we we had worked together on s and i was very shy and i remembered i don't want to get in steve so i was writing things but not approaching you I was in the background but then I was chosen for you know Lauren said I think this fellow could host the late night show it'll be rough for a few years but he'll eventually get it I think he could do it so I'm named Letterman's replacement and the first thing I do when I come out to L .A. as Lauren says and maybe this is a thing he does but he said let's take a walk through the flats of Beverly Hills and people told me later on that Lauren likes to take a walk and he's taking this walk and he's giving me advice he's saying always tip you're known now always tip at least 15 % or you'll show up in the post I thought he was going to tell me like here's the secret but he was telling me things like that which was fine and then he said let's see if Steve's in and I didn't know Steve you always assumed Steve Croft and so Steve Rossi yeah exactly so we he knocks on a door and you answer and you have us into your place And I was like, this is too much.

[773] I've just been put into this situation and I need to navigate this.

[774] And now we're dropping in on Steve Martin.

[775] And I'll never forget, you had just had all the paintings taken down.

[776] And I think I just said like, oh, there are no paintings.

[777] And you reacted immediately as if you had been robbed.

[778] What?

[779] Oh, my God!

[780] And I thought, oh, shit, that's funny.

[781] That's a perfect reaction to where are your paintings.

[782] Yeah.

[783] Whenever in studio, I remembered once, every day and then, you'd be in the studio at 6 -A rehearsing, and the lights would go out because of some situation in the building, Rockefeller Center, some situation, the lights would just go out.

[784] And Andy would always instantly scream, my pearls!

[785] Andy who?

[786] Andy Richter.

[787] hilarious.

[788] Yeah, it was just, my pearls!

[789] and uh oh i got to remember that but i have to give them credit yeah no you don't no you don't no just take it and he's fine i know i'll blow it my purr my what was it purles my my bubrews my reviews i mean perils uh my pez my pez how did you guys decide we're going to start working together as a as two -hander a two -hander act uh what had that come about and I know it's I'll tell you what it's a boring story so I'm going to give it to you no no it was 2011 we were asked to interview each other for it was the closing the just for last comedy festival in Chicago it was May and it was 2011 and we just interviewed what we have for breakfast I get you had scrambled eggs I had fresh toast come on man I had syrup no and we interviewed each other and that was it and and it went well and we thought we'd do it again and we just then well the the the funny part is we were interviewing each other about comedy for a comedy festival right so we could talk about comedy kind of like we're doing here but you know to comedy people it's kind of interesting so we thought hey let's do that again so we got a corporate gig or something and so we're sitting and we're talking about comedy and we're thinking this doesn't work and then we started and marty had a show he did uh solo and i had a show that i did with a band and so we kind of combined them but he had material and I had a bunch of songs with funny intros and when we first when we first started working together he he had everything and I kind of had nothing because I didn't bring the band I said well I got to bring the band so that's when it started to gel into a show and I can go on did you know yeah I can go on did you it's it's first of all that was great yeah anyway well as I was saying I was saying that no I think you say You know, this is just...

[790] But I didn't think I got to the part.

[791] Oh, you didn't need.

[792] This reminds me of I made the mistake once of...

[793] And you know it.

[794] It's like wearing the shorts, but I knew I made this terrible mistake of someone had mentioned food and what they eat.

[795] And I said, well, you know what I do now is I eat two meals a day.

[796] I have like a shake at 11 and they put a lot of spinach in it.

[797] And then I try to eat dinner early like at five.

[798] And then as I'm finishing saying it, I see Marty just staring at me. The way a shark looks like that looks at a canned ham that fell into the ocean.

[799] And he looks at me and he said, you know, when other people discuss the details of their diet, it's boring.

[800] But not you.

[801] And of course, there were some writers standing around who were like, yes.

[802] Well, they love when the boss is attacked.

[803] That was also just me realizing I, why did I get into this?

[804] Why did I lather myself up with bacon grease and then climb into this piranha pool?

[805] Why did I do that?

[806] My wife is very wise about talking about what you eat.

[807] She said, you're allowed to talk about what you do eat, but you're not allowed to talk about what you don't eat.

[808] I like that.

[809] Yeah.

[810] I like that a lot.

[811] I mean, if this podcast, if we go away with one thing, that's it.

[812] It's like with me beats.

[813] I don't eat.

[814] All the beat.

[815] One thing I was curious about is when you come up with a great new insult for the other, do you ever try it out in the moment on stage or do you ever...

[816] We have.

[817] Do you have to try to surprise each other?

[818] Not really, but sometimes we've come up with things.

[819] And then we'll go right to the prompter afterwards and say, oh, write that, you know, we'll remember what prompter?

[820] That if we had a prompt, let's say if we had a prompter.

[821] Yeah.

[822] So you're saying, if we had a prompter, and we came up with a joke, we would go over and talk.

[823] No, no, I mean, now we just go to our own minds and lock it in.

[824] Well, we were talking earlier about people you've met, and I know, Steve, that you got to meet, or kind of meet Elvis.

[825] I did.

[826] I've told the story a million times, so I don't know if it's worthwhile.

[827] Well, I just love it.

[828] Well, it was 1971, and I was opening for Anne Margaret at the, at the.

[829] Hilton in Las Vegas, which is no longer there for good reason.

[830] They tore it down the following day.

[831] The worst comedy room, a ceiling that's like 80 feet high.

[832] So the laughter rose above the audience's head about two feet and stopped.

[833] But anyway, and Elvis was opening the next weekend, and he knew Ann Margaret.

[834] So now it's after the show.

[835] and I know Elvis is going to come back and say hello to Anne Margaret.

[836] And so I leave my dressing room door open.

[837] And I did my act.

[838] It's 1971, so the act is not fully formed, you know, it's got a little, you know, weirdness to it.

[839] And so Elvis walked by and he saw me and he stopped.

[840] And he said, son, you have an oblique sense of humor.

[841] And then he came in.

[842] And now we're talking, I'm talking with them.

[843] I don't know what to say.

[844] And my manager was there who knew all about Sun Records so we can talk about that.

[845] And then there was a pause in the conversation.

[846] Oh, first of all, but this is the part I loved.

[847] Elvis has a guy who comes up to him to get him out of conversation.

[848] He says, Elvis, I'm sorry, we have to go.

[849] And in this case, he comes, I'm sorry, we have to go.

[850] And Elvis said, it's okay.

[851] I've been blessed.

[852] So then we're talking.

[853] Then we run out of conversation.

[854] Then he said, I want to see my guns?

[855] Jesus.

[856] And we said, sure.

[857] And he was a, he was a gun, he liked artful guns.

[858] He was like an engraved thing.

[859] And he was very cautious.

[860] They were loaded.

[861] And so he took out a six shooter and he opened it up and dumped all the bullets in his hand.

[862] And before he handed me the gun to look at it.

[863] And I were looking at it.

[864] And I'm marveling at it.

[865] Then he took out another gun, did the same thing, dumped out the bullets, handed it to me. And then they pulled out from his sock, a derringer, and then opened that up, dumped out the bullets, handed it to me. And then I'm holding three guns, and he's holding 16 bullets.

[866] And I'm thinking, where is Elvis's guy?

[867] Yeah.

[868] To get me out of this.

[869] Do you remember what he was wearing?

[870] Yes, all white.

[871] It was Elvis Slim, and he had the all white, and he wore that big buckle that the Hilton had given him to a. for biggest show ever in the history of the world.

[872] Right.

[873] But he was very sweet and very nice.

[874] Yeah.

[875] And that comes across when you look at the documents.

[876] Well, that's a famous face, though, Elvis Presley.

[877] Jesus.

[878] Well, also, the reason I wanted to, because I know that you met Frank Sinatra.

[879] Yes.

[880] And who's your absolute idol.

[881] But it was one of those situations where you, because I remember you told me this once you were at a bar.

[882] And it, it was at George Slaughter's house.

[883] Oh, George Slaughter's house.

[884] It was after a Sinatra Shirley MacLaine concert at the Greek theater.

[885] and we all went back to his house and Dinah Shore was there she was a big fan of SCTV oh great she's going on about it and I'm thrilled to meet Dinah Shore and she said hey do you want to meet Frank I said sure sure and I went up to him now this next part Paul Schaefer maintains I've made up because he said he didn't speak like out of guys and dolls and I said well he did though he said I said Mr. Sanja Martin and he said I know well of you in your models I know well of you I don't leave that.

[886] Yeah, I know well.

[887] That's not guys in knowledge.

[888] Yeah.

[889] Anyway, then he said, would you like a drink?

[890] And I said, sure.

[891] He said, what are you drinking?

[892] I said, anything, you're drinking, Frank.

[893] And so he turned to the barrenter and said, Jack Daniels.

[894] And I didn't, don't drink scotch.

[895] So the bartender said, straight up or on the rocks.

[896] And I was nervous.

[897] I thought he said, straight up or relaxed.

[898] And I said, I'll have it relaxed.

[899] And Frank said, he said, straight up or on the rocks.

[900] I've known Frank, 15 seconds.

[901] And I'd pissed him off.

[902] He starts, Julie, beat the crap out of this guy.

[903] Are you a moron?

[904] So I, you know, when you meet those people, it is surreal.

[905] But, you know, I used to have that with Mike Nichols, and I knew him for 20 years that I was still in awe.

[906] Like you talked about Carson, you're in awe of being in their presence.

[907] I had, I mean, this is someone he both have met a billion times, but Lauren once asked me to go to a, he said, you know, would I like to go to a Yankee game with me?

[908] And I said, yeah, I'd love to do that.

[909] And there was a playoff game on the Red Sox.

[910] And so I get in the car and he says, we're picking up.

[911] I think he said we're picking up a friend.

[912] I didn't hear who he said we were picking up.

[913] But he puts, you know, so I sat up front.

[914] So there was room in the back for Lorne and his friend.

[915] I set up with the driver and we start driving up.

[916] And then we start to slow down.

[917] And there's someone leaning against the lamppost in like a very cinematic way.

[918] And we slow down and it's Jack Nicholson.

[919] Wow.

[920] And Jack gets in the back seat.

[921] And Lauren goes, and he's like, how you doing, Lauren?

[922] He says, and this is our corner.

[923] And he says, it's very nice, just said, nice to see you.

[924] And I said, oh, so nice to see you, sir, you know.

[925] And then we drive, we see the game.

[926] And my experience was, if you want to be anonymous, walk with Jack Nicholson.

[927] Because I am, my life is, I'm 6 '4, I have this pastry on my head.

[928] I am immediately like me or dislike me. everybody knows it's me and I walked down the street and everybody knows it's me and suddenly nobody saw me because I'm walking three feet behind Jack Nicholson but then the real treat of the night so we chatted a little bit about a few things and but didn't talk much he mostly spoke with Lorne and then he drops me off at the end of the night and I think well this has been great and I get out of the car first because I'm just going to walk we drop Jack Nicholson off and he gets out of the car and I just said it was a real honor to meet you you know Jack and he said my boy is crazy about you and I said he said I'll never forget he said my boy we're standing there and Lauren's still in the car and he goes my boy's crazy about you every morning it's Conan this and Conan that it's driving me fucking crazy I had no idea that even I had but I just knew that I was an irritant in his life and that made me very happy.

[929] Very happy indeed.

[930] I'm just going back of it because I keep remembering this great joke.

[931] And I think it was Shecky Green's joke about Frank.

[932] And it might have been Don Rickles, but I think it was Shecky Green.

[933] He said, and Frank's in the audience.

[934] He said, Frank saved my one night.

[935] You know this joke?

[936] No. He says, Frank saved my life one night.

[937] I was in an alley and I was getting beat up by some guys and Frank said that's enough and then there's the famous and then there's the famous Rickles joke which I'm story which I'm sure is true which is Rickles asking Frank he's like I'm meeting I'm dating this young girl could you this young woman it would really mean so much if you just came through the lobby and walked through the restaurant and said hello to me in front of her.

[938] That would really help me seal the deal.

[939] And so Frank Sinatra comes through and walks up to Rickles and his date and says, hey, done, I just want to, he went, Frank, please, I'm eating.

[940] And Frank leaves the restaurant and then about 30 seconds later, two guys come in and pick up Rickles, carry him out of the restaurant, and dump him in the fountain.

[941] Is that last part true?

[942] It was a fountain.

[943] It was a fountain.

[944] It was a fountain of acid.

[945] That's the part that's less funny.

[946] Frank had it constructed.

[947] They killed Don Rickles.

[948] Yeah, they did.

[949] Yeah, he never lived past 1961.

[950] Guys, I'm going to let you go because you have...

[951] It's been made...

[952] Wouldn't you like to get some part of this interview that's usable?

[953] You're a young lad.

[954] You've listened to some of my...

[955] I'm going to say this is my favorite episode, maybe ever.

[956] This is a spectacular episode.

[957] I'm just going back over.

[958] why we're doing it.

[959] It's because of your admiration for me and my work.

[960] Well, that's true.

[961] This is a very, very famous podcast.

[962] I understand that.

[963] Yeah.

[964] I know that.

[965] And so we should be honored to be part of it.

[966] You couldn't get it.

[967] You couldn't say it with a straight face.

[968] Hey, I see, after this, let's you and me go and cash our checks.

[969] Let's do it.

[970] But we need a big bang.

[971] I mean, not every bank.

[972] I have ideas.

[973] Maybe we'll get some cash and some just a cashier's check.

[974] Yeah.

[975] And I have a servant with me. He could carry the bullion.

[976] You know, you guys have always kept in touch.

[977] That's what I like about you.

[978] You never got in the bubble.

[979] You're out there.

[980] Oh, I'm of the people.

[981] Always.

[982] Kept in touch with whom?

[983] What do you mean?

[984] You're just in touch with the people.

[985] Oh, right.

[986] You know what I mean?

[987] You're going to the bank.

[988] You'll probably have to stop and get a wheelbarrow.

[989] But you do it in a humble way.

[990] Would you say that with success, you changed?

[991] I'm pausing.

[992] You can't help but change, but I'd say I have changed for the better with success.

[993] That's what I think.

[994] You probably disagree.

[995] I was going to say.

[996] I can't wait to phone others.

[997] When did you, did you know, Steve?

[998] I met him on three amigos, 85 July.

[999] And then we became great.

[1000] friends, and then you make that decision of whether you're going to just have that two -month experience of making a movie never see someone again or not.

[1001] And I think we both chose to keep hanging.

[1002] Were you guys, it's just interesting you bring up three amigos because you make that movie, it came out and it, you know, did what it did, but then it goes on.

[1003] And I don't know when it happened, but within maybe 10 years of it coming out, there's this whole generation that seizes that movie and says this is one of our favorite movies and it has grown since then in a way that I think is well deserved but it's kind of fascinating to me were you aware of that happening?

[1004] That's what happens with a lot of my movies except for the 10 -year part where they like it.

[1005] Well, I've always found that you never know if a movie is a hit or success until 10 years goes by.

[1006] Because some movies are big hits when they come out and then you never hear of them again.

[1007] Right.

[1008] And then some movies, movies tend to grow.

[1009] I was surprised.

[1010] In fact, we got a call from a magazine in London, and they said, it was a film magazine.

[1011] They said, we want to put you, Marty, and Chevy on the cover.

[1012] And we said, why?

[1013] They said, well, it's the 25th anniversary of three amigos.

[1014] I said, you care?

[1015] And that's when I started noting that there was some kind of thing happening with it.

[1016] Yeah, it's got this whole other life.

[1017] And I can't tell you how many times I've seen, they'll ask various rock musicians, artists, athletes, just anyone, politicians list favorite movies, and then Three Amigos keeps popping up in there, which is really great.

[1018] Well, Steve wrote it.

[1019] Well, with Lauren Michaels and Randy Newman.

[1020] That's right.

[1021] But you said you wrote the funniest parts.

[1022] I will, yeah.

[1023] Actually, Randy Newman wrote my favorite joke in the whole thing, and it's when El Guapo, it's his birthday.

[1024] And all this men are celebrating and he opens a package And he goes, it's a sweater.

[1025] I love the canteen joke so much that you're both.

[1026] You know, the three of you are running out of water.

[1027] Oh, a canteen.

[1028] The canteen and just there's barely enough.

[1029] And then just luxuriating.

[1030] Lip -spinning out.

[1031] Yeah, lip balm is so fantastic.

[1032] My favorite joke is we go into a saloon that's filled with bad guys.

[1033] And we're all in our spangly outfits.

[1034] And I go up to the bartender and say, excuse me, we're not Mexicans.

[1035] We're from out of town.

[1036] Was it fun to make?

[1037] Yeah.

[1038] It was.

[1039] Yeah.

[1040] It was.

[1041] We were actually, you know, in Arizona and on locations and building these beautiful sets.

[1042] It's just one of those, because sometimes I've known, and when you're having a blast making something.

[1043] I sometimes get worried.

[1044] If you're having a really good time making something that this means it won't be good.

[1045] One of my favorite lies, I just somebody reminded me of it, too, at the end, the very end, I go up to Patrice Martinez.

[1046] It was a beautiful actress who played Carmen.

[1047] She passed away, unfortunately.

[1048] And it's supposed to be like something between us.

[1049] And I go up and we're about to ride off.

[1050] And I say to her, I'll be back one day.

[1051] And she says, why well guys what's the plan for the rest of the day I'm sure you've blocked out a whole chunk of time with me well it's I've got to do my 5BX workout incredible I was going to say you look amazing thank you and today it's ab day so I'm going to work on the abs and that's most of the day I just hard for me for you when you say that for me not to think of your role on Arrested Development where you're...

[1052] Uncle, yeah, the bullet, you know.

[1053] Shoot me. Shoot me. And my son adores that show.

[1054] So the times that you've been around, as much as you've done, you never know what's going to get people.

[1055] Yeah, yeah.

[1056] And he's seen and really liked your other work, but you as the bullet, whatever, isn't that your...

[1057] I was a guy, I was so old, I was their uncle that my legs didn't work and I had to be carried around by a big strong man. Yeah.

[1058] And we kept adding jokes.

[1059] And at one point, I said, to the nuts.

[1060] And they put me down to Jason Bateman's, you know, testicles.

[1061] And I went, bridge mix, bridge mix.

[1062] And I meant they put me on a table to eat.

[1063] But it's just so nice that you do these different things.

[1064] You never know what's going to catch with who.

[1065] And then, you know, my son who now is 17, but at the time he was seeing it, he was like 12.

[1066] And he was like, well, this is the funniest thing I've ever seen.

[1067] And I'm like, well, he's at the, you know, he's coming over tonight.

[1068] And it's just, it's lovely.

[1069] It's very nice.

[1070] Gentlemen.

[1071] Okay.

[1072] Thank you, Conan.

[1073] I want to let you go.

[1074] Thank you very much.

[1075] Think about the cameo.

[1076] Oh, yeah.

[1077] Of course.

[1078] I will play a small part.

[1079] I have a tendency to shoot the lens.

[1080] I look right into the lens.

[1081] Wow, good.

[1082] What would it be?

[1083] It's funny because a Trek like monster crushes townspeople and then is arrested for murder.

[1084] Something like that.

[1085] Okay.

[1086] But I like.

[1087] Why do I goad you?

[1088] Why do I ask for more?

[1089] I like Conan's approach because most actors try not to look into the lens.

[1090] Yes.

[1091] I would have a small role where I'm literally carrying crab cakes in the background at the nice west side apartment.

[1092] And I stop and I turn and look right into the lens and freeze.

[1093] And that's what we're going to do.

[1094] No, Steve's taking a call.

[1095] No, no. Oh.

[1096] No, I'm looking at my plans for the rest of the day because you ask and then I realize I have none.

[1097] Okay.

[1098] Well, perfect.

[1099] Okay.

[1100] Thanks a lot.

[1101] Thank you very much.

[1102] Guys, you both mean the world to me, and this is, like, I don't know, we will never top this episode.

[1103] And I know that you are being self -effacing and saying we've killed time is in an absolute joy.

[1104] Absolutely joy.

[1105] Thank you.

[1106] I bow to both of you.

[1107] I love you.

[1108] I bow to you.

[1109] And obviously, we've both been influences, but which one a little bit more?

[1110] Oh, me. You can't see everybody.

[1111] looking at me. Thanks, Conan.

[1112] Anyway, Steve, your car's here.

[1113] Guys, go in peace.

[1114] Thanks a lot.

[1115] Oh, by the way, you forced this on us.

[1116] Hi, my name is Steve Martin.

[1117] I feel blank about being, let's hear you do it spontaneously and replace Conan's O 'Brien's name with mine.

[1118] You could do another version and they could put it up.

[1119] That was fantastic.

[1120] I thought I did do a good version.

[1121] He did great job.

[1122] Oh, yeah.

[1123] No, I'm challenging him.

[1124] You go, suddenly we have to learn lines.

[1125] It's not learning a line.

[1126] It could be a...

[1127] You have to write?

[1128] You don't write.

[1129] You could have a sincere emotion and say it in the moment.

[1130] Oh.

[1131] You know?

[1132] I never thought of that.

[1133] Yeah.

[1134] I could say, my name is Conan O 'Brien, and I feel overwhelmed.

[1135] Overwhelmed with gratitude that Steve Martin and...

[1136] Martin Short even know my name.

[1137] And that's a sincere, you know, there I go.

[1138] Okay, it doesn't have to be, you know.

[1139] I didn't have a writer work on that.

[1140] So you wanted us to compliment you.

[1141] Yes.

[1142] We didn't think of that.

[1143] Okay, thanks a lot.

[1144] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[1145] With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gourley.

[1146] Produced by me, Matt Gourley.

[1147] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf.

[1148] Theme song by The White Stripes.

[1149] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[1150] Take it away, Jimmy.

[1151] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[1152] Engineering by Eduardo Perez.

[1153] Additional production support by Mars Melnick.

[1154] Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn.

[1155] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode.

[1156] Got a question for Conan?

[1157] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

[1158] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[1159] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.