Cedric the Entertainer

[0] Hey, what's up guys?

[1] I'm Cedric the entertainer, and I feel short and indifferent, sometimes angry about being Conan's friend.

[2] Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brandy shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are going to be friends, I can tell that we are going to be friends Hey little girl is your daddy home Need to go and leave you all alone I'm on turn out baby is it good to you Did he buy you high school So we're waiting on you Yeah I'm working this out I'm trying to get into the mode You think what I do is easy You think I just open my mouth And babble like a baboon?

[3] No The fuck Oh my God When you die They should give your brain to research There we go I think research should take my brain long before I die.

[4] It's not helping me out any.

[5] Look, this was all good stuff, and we didn't record it.

[6] We are recording.

[7] We are recording.

[8] We are.

[9] We are.

[10] Keep this in.

[11] This is all in.

[12] Yeah.

[13] Listen, we were getting ready to record an episode of going to buy an needs a friend, but I started babbling, and I was doing some kind of song.

[14] Hey, a little girl is a day at home.

[15] Did I was that doing that?

[16] You were, yeah.

[17] Yeah, I don't know what we can clear that.

[18] Do we have to clear it?

[19] Do we have to clear it or is that not matter on the podcast?

[20] Your version of it is so far removed from the original.

[21] Hey, a little girl, a day at home, me to go, we don't leave you.

[22] You all alone, Randall.

[23] Yeah, mine is sort of like a hoe -down Bruce Springsteen.

[24] That's weird.

[25] Under eight seconds, we're fine.

[26] Let's keep going.

[27] You just described my wedding night.

[28] Oh, boo!

[29] Yay!

[30] Funniest joke in the world was just told by Conan O 'Brien.

[31] And now it's a song.

[32] Now it's a song.

[33] And now it's a rap.

[34] Okay, let's stop.

[35] That beatboxing is the best, right?

[36] Oh, is that what that was?

[37] That was his people.

[38] No, no, that was me having an...

[39] I thought there was a loose clothes dryer somewhere.

[40] That was anaphylactic shock.

[41] Many times I've had an adverse reaction to like a peanut butter that I was supposed to eat.

[42] And I started going and people gather around me and start rapping.

[43] Is that what is, what would it sound like if you tried to beep box?

[44] Oh, so the exact same thing.

[45] Yeah, I like to do little.

[46] It sounds and looks like you're on an iron lung when you do that.

[47] But a high end iron long.

[48] Oh, for sure.

[49] Yeah.

[50] Oh, for sure.

[51] When I had an iron lung, a child.

[52] It was the Cadillac of iron lung.

[53] It was a really good one.

[54] Does anyone even know what an iron lung is anymore that we're talking to?

[55] We have, we have such a young fan base.

[56] It's a respirator, right?

[57] Yeah.

[58] It was a giant box they put you in that helped you breathe back long before there was a real respirator, but it looked like you were encased in a giant, I don't know, it looked like an old boiler.

[59] There's one in the Big Loboski.

[60] Oh, okay, there you go.

[61] Well, then people do know what the Big Loboski is.

[62] Do people know what the Big Loboskey is anymore?

[63] I don't know.

[64] We've got to make sure our references are cool.

[65] Of course they do.

[66] Cool and up to date.

[67] That's what you have to make sure.

[68] No, people know the Big Lebowski.

[69] That's how, that's what I learned when I learned what a white Russian was.

[70] Yeah.

[71] It's made with Kalua.

[72] And then you met your husband.

[73] Huh?

[74] A white Russian.

[75] What?

[76] Oh, my God.

[77] He is Russian and he is white.

[78] He's a Soviet.

[79] He's not a Russian.

[80] What's the difference?

[81] Yeah, really.

[82] What do you mean?

[83] What's the difference?

[84] The Soviet Union was a lot of different countries.

[85] And so people from like, you know, Moldova aren't Russian.

[86] They're Soviets.

[87] I understand that.

[88] Does he consider himself?

[89] By the way, This intro is all over the map.

[90] We're beatboxing.

[91] We're talking about the breakup of the former Soviet Union.

[92] Iron lungs.

[93] Iron lungs.

[94] This is a mess of an intro and I love it.

[95] Yeah, that's good.

[96] This is the Jackson Pollock of podcast intros.

[97] It's just a bunch of splatter on a Kansas.

[98] Did you even start the podcast?

[99] Did you say what the podcast was called?

[100] Oh, if people are listening to this and don't know what it is, fuck them.

[101] Well, they've also downloaded it.

[102] I mean, I'm serious.

[103] And you did.

[104] They download it and my face is on it.

[105] If someone's going, what is this?

[106] Conan hasn't properly prepared me for what I'm about to hear.

[107] Now we're talking.

[108] Here he goes.

[109] This is what I've been trying to get you to be.

[110] First of all, what is a Conan?

[111] Is he that, that scallywag that replaced Letterman in 93?

[112] Because I won't have it.

[113] Second of all, what's a podcast?

[114] Where's Walter Cronkite?

[115] I'm upset.

[116] Where's my photograph needle?

[117] Well, this is Conan O 'Brien.

[118] Mum, the corner of buying needs a fan.

[119] Blah, blah, blah, blah.

[120] Jesus, Christ.

[121] This is the way it should be.

[122] This is the way all the intro should be.

[123] This is Pulitzer stuff.

[124] I just want to know how that guy even found the podcast.

[125] I mean, I don't get it.

[126] Oh, okay.

[127] No, no. It's like one of his grandchildren got into his studs bear cat.

[128] And they just had Bluetooth put in it.

[129] And he was like, he got it to the front and turned the crank and fire it up.

[130] And he got in.

[131] and he heard me babbling about iron lungs.

[132] Oh, I remember having one of those as a child.

[133] They have a Stutz Bearcat with Bluetooth.

[134] Yeah.

[135] Oh, yeah, I'm saying his grandson put it in.

[136] His grandson installed it.

[137] All right, okay.

[138] And he's like, what is this tooth of blue?

[139] Whose voice am I hearing?

[140] What an irritable woman she is.

[141] Papa, Papa, Grandpa, that's Conan.

[142] This is a podcast.

[143] We're listening to.

[144] Haruga, chugachachachachachachacha, chugga.

[145] Rugga chugga.

[146] Ha -hawk, ha -hank.

[147] Well, I'll take you for a ride, because it's Sunday, and that is our tradition, but listening to this man is just terrible if he is indeed a man. Hugach, hugger, hugger.

[148] Now remember, you'll get a lot of inherited wealth, and then you'll go to the Ivy League School I declare.

[149] Yes, grandfather.

[150] Oh, here he is.

[151] Oh, hard right turn, kid falls out.

[152] Oh, no. Don't worry, there are seven more of those back at the estate.

[153] Good thing we're real breeders.

[154] Anyway, if you can decipher this intro, good luck to you, because I sure can't.

[155] What a bag of mush that was.

[156] And yet indicative of the quality of this podcast overall.

[157] Yes, exactly.

[158] We've caught lightning in a bottle.

[159] A man freestyling with his two chums who add up to 8%.

[160] I'm telling you with the three of us.

[161] Well, that's a lot when you think about it.

[162] That is generous.

[163] No, I know.

[164] Gourley's a solid six.

[165] Oh, I'm only two.

[166] percent of it.

[167] I think in the state of this intro, this is a compliment, meaning we're not contributing to this absolute horseshit.

[168] You know what I mean?

[169] When the episodes are good, you guys are confirming like 70%.

[170] Yeah.

[171] All right, well, we should get going.

[172] Let's do it.

[173] And again, very interested for fans to diagram what just happened in this intro.

[174] Flow charts.

[175] Then diagrams.

[176] Oh, yeah.

[177] And also things where you have photographs and there's yarn connecting them when you're looking for a serial killer.

[178] Yeah.

[179] Do that with this intro because good Lord, I don't know what happened.

[180] Hey, my guest today, look at me. I'm professional all of a sudden.

[181] This is a hilarious actor and comedian.

[182] Now he has a new novel flipping box cars available September 12th.

[183] I adore this man. I'm excited.

[184] He's here.

[185] Cedric, the Entertainer.

[186] All right.

[187] Well, I'm so glad you're here because we have a lot to talk about.

[188] First of all, you're a genius because you named yourself Cedric the entertainer.

[189] That is the smartest move.

[190] anyone's made in the history of show business because no one can question it it's like no it's on my tax return I am the entertainer let's go yeah let's go you know it and it actually kind of happened though it was weird it was weird because another dude called me that first and it was it was only because I didn't have a lot of jokes I used to sing a lot and you know do poetry on stage anything I can do to fill up the time and so I just told dude don't call me a comedian call me an entertainer and that's how it happened so and I just kept the name from there But then, like, when I first got to Hollywood, they definitely wanted me to change that.

[191] There was, like, you know, all the agents is like, no, go by your government name, Cedric Schaefer.

[192] No, it's not, it's not Schaefer.

[193] You know, I tagged you for a Schaefer.

[194] The minute you walked in, I tagged you for a Schaefer.

[195] I'm like, this guy's Jewish.

[196] I know it.

[197] It's already been a hard time finding my dad as it is.

[198] No, it would have been even more of a challenge.

[199] Also, I love, like, you go to these people for creative advice, and their advice is, use your government name.

[200] Yeah, exactly.

[201] What's what you're talking about?

[202] I think, I wonder what Bono would do, you know.

[203] Yeah, Patty O'Malley.

[204] Yeah, come on, that's great.

[205] No one wants to hear that guy.

[206] They want to hear a rock dude saying, hey, Patty.

[207] Give us another one.

[208] Give us another one.

[209] Think about the Joshua tree.

[210] But really, like, when you're out there and bored and living.

[211] there in a tit that version you are hilariously funny first time i saw you and and you really came to my notice was and i want to go back before that but kings of comedy is when i felt like who is this guy and i didn't know and i thought that was such a great film because uh it it featured you all so brilliantly it showed that you are you still are the kings of comedy it's amazing it's a beautiful thing man no that was such a unique what year was that was that late 90s or early 2000s Early 2000s.

[212] We started the tour in the late 90s.

[213] It was so 98 was the first dates, but we didn't shoot the movie until like 01, right at the end of 2001, right in there.

[214] And so, you know, fun time, man. You know, comedy was growing.

[215] You know, the idea that shows like Deaf Comedy Jam and started to really put like black comedians in the forefront of like just having an audience that was our very own.

[216] So, you know, when we, by putting us all together.

[217] we were able to do arenas, and it was a few people that had done, you know, of course, Dice and Eddie Murphy, I think Martin had done arena tours, but nobody kind of did it like this, you know, like a, like Coachella, like we, you know, you got a lot of your favorites there at one night.

[218] And so that, that was fun.

[219] That was rock star stuff, man. We, we had a blast on that tour.

[220] I also think it blew up awareness, this, that needed to happen.

[221] It blew up awareness in a really beautiful way that, that you guys are a force.

[222] Do you know what I mean?

[223] And you weren't trying to get other people into the tent.

[224] You were saying, we don't, fuck that.

[225] We don't need that.

[226] This is what we do.

[227] We're hilarious.

[228] And look at this whole world that follows us.

[229] And you should be here too.

[230] I remember thinking, Jesus Christ, these guys are a phenomenon.

[231] Yeah, I think, you know, you're right.

[232] And I think that was really what became a catalyst to opening up.

[233] You know, of course we had like, you know, the networks with like WB and UPN starting to, you know, like create shows for, you know, like predominantly African -American families.

[234] But it definitely opened up this idea like comedy is not like the evening at the improv way, which is the only way you can get on television, right?

[235] Back then you do even at the improv and try to get picked to be on Carson or Leno or something like that.

[236] And then, you know, you came along at a time when it was far, you know, you were one of us.

[237] That's what makes you cool.

[238] And that's what everybody goes, everybody, you know, I'm just saying in the hood.

[239] Everybody goes, oh, Coney, O 'Brien, he's one of us.

[240] He's one of us.

[241] Oh, I swear to God, I get that all the time.

[242] Don't laugh, Sona.

[243] I get that all the time.

[244] When I go to the hood, when I go to the hood, people are like, oh, good, you're back in the hood.

[245] You're back.

[246] And everybody's like, yo, I mean, I go in the barbershop.

[247] You see Conan lately?

[248] I'm like, hey, man, that's my, that's my N -word.

[249] Yeah.

[250] Come on, Sona, how many times you've been looking for me and I've been at the barbershop?

[251] Oh, yeah, so many times.

[252] Just shooting the shit.

[253] Yeah, just hanging out.

[254] Getting a nice fade.

[255] Yeah, I'm sorry.

[256] Yes, yes, that's true.

[257] I need a fade.

[258] I need a fade so badly.

[259] You should go like the Philadelphia where they do the linings, they line up you you haven't had facial hair in a long time no i shaved it off a long yeah i did i had a beard for a while and then uh and then i shaved it uh will feral actually said shave it or i'm coming on the show and i'll shave it and i didn't shave it so he came on the show brought a barber chair and shaved me and it was hilarious and then i thought once will feral shaves you you can't go back no that's it that's it so i was done after that but uh i have to say the other thing that has always impressed me is you have such amazing style you really have I mean even the hat you're wearing right now oh yeah fantastic these are fun these are fun this is a good friend of mine uh this guy uh James Keith the company his name Keith James but he you know he came up with this red bottom hat like a few years ago and it was me and Floyd Mayweather we kind of jumped on early and then everybody you know this a very popular hat the red bottom hat so this is is cool.

[260] You can go and grab it.

[261] That's a very cool looking hat.

[262] I don't think I could pull it off.

[263] I think you have to be able to pull it off.

[264] And when I put a hat on, I look like a child that stole his father's hat.

[265] That's what it looks like.

[266] You know what I mean?

[267] It just does.

[268] And I've got a massive head.

[269] So even a big hat looks like a yarmulke on me, which you can relate to, Mr. Schaefer.

[270] Sure.

[271] Of course.

[272] But, you know, it's amazing because I'm curious.

[273] That was something you were interested in even as a young man, As a kid, you were very interested in style.

[274] Yeah, yeah, you know, I grew up in a small town in Missouri, Carruthersville, Missouri, but my mother, who was probably, you know, I guess in her generation was one of the first people to kind of go away to college and then come back.

[275] And so she, you know, she didn't know how to do the order from the catalogs.

[276] And, you know, so people would normally shop into the little local store in town.

[277] But my mother would be like, you know, ordering from magazines.

[278] And so very early on, I can remember having, like, nice outfits when I go to school, third, fourth grade.

[279] Like, people would know me for my clothes.

[280] And so it's not like today's generation where you got to have, like, the top thing, you know, like, everybody, like, you got to have Jordans or these shoes.

[281] It's just like you just wanted to have something different than the other kids.

[282] Yeah.

[283] And so I think that became, you know, a part of, like, my identity for sure.

[284] And then coming from St. Louis, that was another thing to, like, Midwest.

[285] was very, I remember, like, my family would dress up on Saturday mornings to do nothing.

[286] Like, you would go by and you're like, where, where are you going?

[287] Now, nowhere?

[288] Just full fled, beautiful outfits on.

[289] And that was kind of the way.

[290] Like, people would love to show off their clothes.

[291] So, so I think I brought that to the stage.

[292] And it was good because I think very, like right after me, the, you know, the kind of jeans and T -shirt thing became very popular.

[293] And I kind of like that I'm not that I treat going on the stage more like a professional.

[294] I always like, even to this day if I'm doing, if I'm on stage, I like to put on a tie.

[295] And sometimes I'm wearing it with a jean jacket, but I'm wearing a tie because I like to create the difference between.

[296] It's like if you get up at the altar or something in church, you, you want to have a little bit of that feeling of separation that I'm dressing up to go do this thing that's very important to me. Yeah.

[297] And you have to show it in very small ways.

[298] But, you know, I didn't get, I didn't realize how much clothes could influence a person.

[299] I had no, I had no clothes.

[300] I was nude for years.

[301] But I wasn't, it wasn't until I was like in my late 20s.

[302] Like, gentlemen, Conan O 'Brien.

[303] Then shrieks.

[304] Shrieks.

[305] I can, I can see his veins.

[306] Here, take my yarmul -in -o -com.

[307] Cover that thing out.

[308] Cover your other head.

[309] So I was, I was, no, but it's true that I, I didn't have a sense.

[310] And I remembered getting some important gig and going and needing a suit and going out and buying like a nice suit.

[311] And I put it on, but I was in my late 20s before I owned like a really nice suit.

[312] And I remembered thinking, this makes me feel better about myself.

[313] Oh, definitely.

[314] And it, it was as much.

[315] for me is for anybody else.

[316] And I think when you get up on stage and you know, you want to, I don't know, you want to feel like you look good.

[317] It helps anything, you'll take anything that will help a little bit.

[318] No, definitely.

[319] That's so important.

[320] And I don't think people would like take that into account anymore, like, because it's just really a world where you can just show up with whatever you got on and everybody's just like, it's all about the artist, which is fine, you know.

[321] But I say that same thing.

[322] I remember when those like suit warehouse places kind of came on, You can get, like, three suits for $100 or whatever.

[323] Yeah.

[324] And I used to, like, sell fax machines.

[325] Like, I used to sell, like, the RICO fax machine.

[326] And I remember having one of those suits, and I lucked up and got one, like, a Zanuti or some brand that felt like it was like, ooh, this is really Italian.

[327] Right.

[328] But I remember that particular suit made me feel extremely aristocratic.

[329] Like, I was like, oh, the laugh changed.

[330] I did that laugh, actually.

[331] Oh, guys, come on.

[332] Yeah, anybody can get a message from you.

[333] Like, just put this in there.

[334] This is going to be the thing for the next seven decades.

[335] You'll, you're going to.

[336] The fax is never going away.

[337] You're going to need this.

[338] Trust me, you can own this forever, fam.

[339] You were a claims adjuster for state firms insurance for a while.

[340] Yeah, yeah, yep.

[341] That was, and that was.

[342] Were you good?

[343] Were you a good claims adjuster?

[344] No. No, no, let's just get that out there.

[345] And, you know.

[346] In case anyone's trying to hire you.

[347] Let's get that out there now.

[348] In a rental car.

[349] Yeah.

[350] You know, which is probably the kind of stuff I would do.

[351] I would just, I was like, I was like one of those claims adjusters.

[352] Like, do you give me any hard luck story?

[353] I'm like, okay, sure.

[354] That makes sense.

[355] And to the point that one year.

[356] A mummy.

[357] A mummy stole your house.

[358] Yeah.

[359] Oh, yeah, of course.

[360] Yeah, I get it.

[361] Mommy, it's been a rash.

[362] Trust me, I see it all the time.

[363] I haven't seen it.

[364] I got files stacked up over here.

[365] You're good.

[366] But I definitely, people would start to come to me around prom and graduation time and have these made -up accidents so that I can get them rental cars for their kids to drive.

[367] So, you know, and I knew that's what was going on.

[368] So they were like, oh, you know, somebody ran into me at the grocery store.

[369] I'm like, okay, got it.

[370] We'll say that your car needs a two -day thing, and go ahead, rent the Cadillac for the door.

[371] I know what you're doing.

[372] I'm going to give you an upgrade.

[373] Thank you.

[374] It's prom.

[375] Stay for it was like, yeah, no. Not cool.

[376] But I was able to, you know, I was able to do that for a while.

[377] That was a fun, that was a fun kind of professional gig where you, You did learn, you know, like all the differences between people's personalities because car people are exactly kind of who you think they are.

[378] Like, Corvette people are the super the best.

[379] You know, you can't tell a Corvette person anything.

[380] They drive a Corvette.

[381] Yeah.

[382] You're like, we didn't have Ferraris in, you know, in St. Louis.

[383] So that was rare.

[384] If I met a Ferrari person, I would be in awe.

[385] To this day, I've never driven any of those fancy cars.

[386] Really?

[387] in a Ferrari or a Lamborghini or any of those.

[388] I don't even know what it's like to drive one.

[389] I don't know that I've been in one.

[390] Yeah, I had a Ferrari for, I had a Ferrari for like maybe a couple of months.

[391] It just, it kept breaking.

[392] It was weird.

[393] I don't know.

[394] I felt like I had a limit or something, so I didn't really keep that one.

[395] And then I got in a Lamborghini one time and, you know, it's solo.

[396] It just really wasn't made for, you know, the brothers of my girth.

[397] uh so so it was quite embarrassing you know what they should do they should make it's like you pull up in a 300 300 thousand out of car and then got to do some kind of drop and roll all right the valet is like yes yes thank you hey ladies 9 .8 9 .8 like once i put the gas in i'm waiting to everybody else leaves before i get in you know they should have uh tailors for cars they should have people that you know I mean, like, you want a Ferrari?

[398] I make you a Ferrari.

[399] You know, and they measure you, and then they get you that slightly wider, rounder Ferrari.

[400] I love Giuseppe.

[401] Yeah, I love Giuseppe.

[402] That's who's making the Ferrari.

[403] You like a Ferrari.

[404] You like a Ferrari.

[405] Oh, I make you a Ferrari.

[406] Justepi, thank you.

[407] Thank you.

[408] Thank you.

[409] Are you, Mr. Entertainer, anything?

[410] But, of course.

[411] A lot of us listen to comedians and watch comedians when we're younger and we get, we sort of start to zone in on different people.

[412] Who was it for you?

[413] When you're a young man or a late teen or whatever, who are you watching?

[414] Who are you listening to?

[415] Well, the key, I mean, who's the couple of - who's the couple of figures that really pop for you?

[416] Probably the most, you know, prevalent, foremost one is the late Robin Harris.

[417] That's who I kind of really decided, you know, that I can do comedy.

[418] I emulated him.

[419] He was just, it was a regular dude that was funny.

[420] So he came off like an uncle or a cousin and it became a delivery now of course i loved eddie murphy and then richard prior would be one of your first one of my first introductions because you know my uncles would be playing the albums and you would listen and hear it and so of course those guys were one eddie murphy was just extremely the most talented person ever you know he could sing he would do sketches he could do stand -up he was just like oh man this the dude but he was definitely a superstar from the very beginning.

[421] So, you know, again, coming from St. Louis, you just don't see yourself as that dude, like, for whatever reason.

[422] He's like, he's a star.

[423] He's from New York.

[424] That's another thing to climb to.

[425] But Robin Harris was from Chicago, and he would come on stage.

[426] Just, like, as a regular dude, like, your uncle, your cousin.

[427] I was like, oh, if you can do it like that, then.

[428] So he became the person I kind of based, like, why I can do comedy.

[429] And, you know, and then really took the steps.

[430] to move forward because I saw him do it and he became my favorite and you were I think if I if I know the story correctly you go to a comedy club and the guy and it was in maybe Texas and the guy working the comedy club or booking it is Steve Harvey yes and that's how you guys met yes so so you went there and you basically said can I get up on on stage and you they said you have to go talk to Steve Harvey yeah it was actually I was in Dallas to do a different club and when I got there, I was the opening act, and it was a new ownership.

[431] And he was like, well, I don't, I don't use, you know, non -local opening act, sorry.

[432] And I was like, what?

[433] Like, bro, I drove 10 hours.

[434] I was supposed to, you know, I was supposed to make $350 for 19 or 17 shows.

[435] I don't know how, you know, they would just abuse you back then.

[436] Come do 11, do 14 shows and we'll give you $300.

[437] All right.

[438] Thank you.

[439] And half a milkshake.

[440] Yeah.

[441] Don't ask where the other half went.

[442] Do not.

[443] Is this been opened?

[444] Hey.

[445] None of your fucking business.

[446] Do you want it or not?

[447] You're like, sorry, I'm thirsty.

[448] But Steve was starting his own little comedy night at a bar club kind of situation.

[449] And he had had a couple of weeks where he was killing it.

[450] I knew of him.

[451] He was like the big name of a comedians that was out.

[452] And so I went there and, you know, it was one comedian.

[453] that introduced us, you know, just via like, hey, you need to hear about this guy and he told me about Steve.

[454] So I was like, yo, I know this guy.

[455] And he was like, oh, yeah, yeah, come on in.

[456] And it just so happens that the headliner that week was not doing well.

[457] And so he was like, you think you can handle this crowd.

[458] And he said, I'm going to put you up on stage to do five minutes.

[459] And so I went up and I killed it.

[460] And he just told me if I come back every night, if this guy doesn't do well, I'm going to put you on stage.

[461] And so that's, I never really hoped for somebody to do bad, but man, you're talking about juju.

[462] I like come like every night and just look at that guy like, I like, oh, God of fail jokes and punch lines.

[463] Isn't that a terrible feeling?

[464] You're so bad.

[465] We've all had it.

[466] I like to think I'm a good person, but we've all been in those situations where we're like, please, please fail.

[467] Oh, exactly.

[468] So bad.

[469] But it was one of those situations where Steve and I became very close from that because he, I ended up going and doing well.

[470] He gave me a couple hundred bucks to get home.

[471] And then they brought me back the headline like a few months later.

[472] And so, and then our relationship started from there.

[473] So we just end up being friends.

[474] And you guys have been tight for ever since.

[475] Every since.

[476] That was, that was probably late 90s.

[477] Is it true, you guys vacation together?

[478] You'll go, what's that like?

[479] What's it like when you two just hang out on a beach?

[480] Well, you know, Steve has definitely became a super fashion person now.

[481] So now it's like too much anxiety of me trying to figure out what my outfits are going to be.

[482] Because it used to be just like cool, me and buddies.

[483] But like now he's like become some fashion icon.

[484] So like I can't even be near him without like having my drip right.

[485] Like I'm like so it's like the whole time before the vacation, it's like, okay, does these shorts go with that?

[486] What shoes should I?

[487] I'm not going to go.

[488] Also, you're looking out the window with binoculars.

[489] What's he wearing?

[490] What's he wearing?

[491] I don't want to show up at dinner.

[492] I don't want to clash.

[493] I don't want a match.

[494] Is that a cape?

[495] Is he?

[496] Is there a flowy cape?

[497] What is going on?

[498] Like, this dude is like killing the game, man. So, but no, but we usually golf laugh a lot, you know.

[499] That's good.

[500] You know, just have a good time.

[501] You know, he can.

[502] gamble too and I'm not much of a gambler but usually whenever I'm gambling with Steve I make money so that's the only time that I like the guy to go because he'll be like you know he plays cards and and he'll show me like do this do this and I'm like I oh cool I just won but I would never do it on my own like I'm not a I'm not a gambler I'm not either but if I'm around someone I just tell them please tell me what to do yeah exactly and if it goes badly I have someone to hate which makes it work out yeah I like had I had some the last trip we were in the Bahamas together And I actually, when I was leaving, I had, like, maybe like $3 ,000 worth of chips in my pocket and totally forgot.

[503] So it was like, what did I do with this?

[504] So I looked like a big timer because I was just like giving people chips on the way out, you know?

[505] You know, I ain't going, man. Thanks, bro.

[506] Except for the bags, my man, take that.

[507] Here you go.

[508] Here you go, customs agent.

[509] Yeah.

[510] Yeah, don't look at that bag, all right?

[511] But here you go.

[512] It's not a bribe, my friend.

[513] It's just a chip, but take it over there.

[514] I see, I would think, the one thing I think of when I see Steve now, it's always family feud.

[515] I see him doing family feud.

[516] And the one thing I worry about is that doing a gig like that over and over and over again would just, would like start to get to your mind.

[517] You know what I mean?

[518] And I worry sometimes that like it would.

[519] Yeah, exactly.

[520] I don't know, that just over and over and over again doing the family feud would change.

[521] Top five appetizers before you order.

[522] Let's go.

[523] Let's get it on here.

[524] Let's get it on.

[525] Come on and sauna.

[526] Come on up there.

[527] Give it to me. Top five.

[528] Buffalo wings.

[529] Buffalo wings.

[530] Number two.

[531] Fritch fries, french fries.

[532] Let's give it to me. C's a solid.

[533] Then you give him one that clearly disappoints him.

[534] Stewed tomatoes.

[535] Stewed.

[536] Oh, yeah, no. I know that ain't up there.

[537] You know he's doing that when he...

[538] You know if you wake him up at 3 in the morning.

[539] That's what he's like.

[540] That's how he wakes up.

[541] Yeah.

[542] And the survey says...

[543] You can't ask him a question without it being phrased.

[544] Yeah, that's probably so true.

[545] And they do a lot of them at once, too.

[546] That's the other thing.

[547] Like, when they shoot those shows, they block them.

[548] Like, so you're right.

[549] I think in that period of time, it just got to be in your head because...

[550] You're doing like a hundred, sometimes they do like a hundred and six shows in a matter of like three months.

[551] So just day, every day, like popping them off like, bro.

[552] Right.

[553] And then change suit and act like, okay, now it's Christmas time, even though you're shooting it in July.

[554] You know, you just keep going and going and going.

[555] Exactly.

[556] We should do the podcast that way.

[557] We should do like 30 a day.

[558] Never stop.

[559] Cedric, you got to go.

[560] We got someone else coming in in eight seconds.

[561] They're just stacked up like planes on the airport.

[562] Yeah, just the amount of guests that you have.

[563] I don't even know what I'm doing.

[564] I start to forget who's who.

[565] Who's the pilot that's moving home?

[566] Asking people the wrong questions.

[567] Asking the wrong questions.

[568] Yeah.

[569] I got my barista coming up next.

[570] And it's just the guy from today, not my regular baristas.

[571] It was a random stop.

[572] I told him to come on this show.

[573] Just get in there.

[574] Get in there.

[575] Talk about you.

[576] You know coffee?

[577] Go, go.

[578] I ordered a latte.

[579] What's in a latte anyway?

[580] What's in a lottee?

[581] Why, and why a latte?

[582] Why is the name?

[583] Seems weird.

[584] It seems lazy with coffee is opposite.

[585] When you look at it, latte, you know?

[586] I thought it was supposed to get me up.

[587] Okay, get the fuck out of here.

[588] I'm done with you.

[589] Who's next?

[590] What's her evolving?

[591] No, it's director.

[592] Werner Herzog.

[593] Get in here, brother.

[594] This is madness.

[595] This is insanity.

[596] Shut up, Werner.

[597] I got to ask you about a friend of yours, Tracy Morgan, as well.

[598] And I just, I know you've worked with him on the last OG.

[599] And it's just, he's this guy who I, if, if Tracy wasn't famous, I couldn't explain him to anybody.

[600] Is that, is that right?

[601] I just talked to Tracy the other day.

[602] So I called him just on some random, hey, bro, checking in, you know.

[603] He just goes like you've been having a conversation.

[604] Said, you don't make no sense, you know.

[605] It's just the way that it is, you know.

[606] yeah yeah you know you got it i agree i agree i agree 100 % that's a lot of money for fish yeah what oh he's oh he's really into the fish oh he's into the fish are crazy you i'm telling you this is true story well during uh covid when everyone was we were doing the interviews and uh you'd be people would be on zoom and i'm talking to him and he's talking and being crazy and that's crazy enough just trying to Trying to talk to the man is insane.

[607] Talk to Tracy Morgan, have a conversation with him, is insane.

[608] And then a barracuda swam behind him.

[609] And I was like, what the?

[610] And he was like, that's my fish tank.

[611] And it's not a fish tank.

[612] It's a fish tank the size of this studio that's in his house.

[613] Yes.

[614] And it's got sharks and barracudas.

[615] It's like he's a James Bond villain.

[616] You know what I mean?

[617] You look up and it's like groups of kids doing field trips through there.

[618] It's a very odd thing.

[619] Like, it's such a big fish tank in someone's house.

[620] You're like, is that Wal -Card Academy?

[621] These kids, why they have uniforms on?

[622] Like, the fish have names.

[623] And they're usually rarer than just what you say.

[624] Yeah.

[625] It's not just a barracuda.

[626] It's some crazy, unique barracuda that he's found, you know, off the shores of seashell or somewhere.

[627] you're like what he's like yo yo that's that's that's my ring that's my man's right there yeah it's my ring he's barracuda he's barricuda but he get everybody pregnant he get all the other fish pregnant who was it he was on the podcast he did a podcast he did a podcast in New York City and he came on and he I hugged him when he came out and he smelled, I got a thought, he had this powerful cologne on.

[628] I'm like, what is that?

[629] And he said, it's jupe.

[630] And you know, he holds it for a long time and he looks at the whole crowd and he's just with telling us, Jupe, it's juke.

[631] And he made half the segment about juke.

[632] And juke was delighted.

[633] Because no one's talked about juke in a long time.

[634] Exactly.

[635] Yeah, but he gets into something and he can make.

[636] Yeah, you can barely get that in the middle of the mall nowadays.

[637] Well, they sent us at, crate.

[638] He sent you a bottle.

[639] It's a classic.

[640] It's a classic, too.

[641] It's still, it's one of those ones like Corrus and Jupe and Loggerfeld.

[642] Those were the ones when we grew up on smelling great and groovy.

[643] Yeah.

[644] Obsession.

[645] I put a little on and didn't say anything and I went home to my wife.

[646] Yes.

[647] And, uh, no, it didn't go well.

[648] Of course not.

[649] She made me check into a hotel.

[650] You're not a Cologne guy.

[651] I'm not a cologne guy.

[652] I have my own odor that's tough enough.

[653] I smell like onions and fear.

[654] It's a nice combination.

[655] Oh, the combination.

[656] That's what people don't know.

[657] It's like mixing colors in the crayon box.

[658] It's great.

[659] It's great.

[660] Onions and fear come out.

[661] You know, I heard you say once, which I really liked, you were talking about how, with the exception of that guy who you needed to knock out in order to get your start and show business, that is a rare exception for you because you don't root against other comedians.

[662] You're happy for them to do well because your theory has always been you know, it's like that concept that a rising tide lifts all the boats.

[663] You're rooting for other people to do well.

[664] You think it's going to expand the space.

[665] Yeah, for sure.

[666] I think, you know, I mean, because, you know, creativity is definitely that.

[667] Like, if you're around creative people, I mean, just like this vibe, you know, the energy lifts up.

[668] You start saying things.

[669] or doing things that you would never have thought of before.

[670] So, you know, it's great to be around, like, people that are, that, that, they can be young or older, but they bring in a good vibe and good energy, then, you know, that's usually going to inspire you to go higher, you know, so that's why I like that.

[671] That's why I kind of love that attitude of, like, when people were killing it or they bring something new to the game or something like that, you're like, yo, let's go.

[672] I like that, you know.

[673] Yeah, yeah.

[674] I think that's a great attitude.

[675] I'm going to pretend to have the same attitude I like it No no actually I really do I like to root for people And it's and it's just like In the time that I've known Kevin Hart He went from being You know This guy that would come on our show To he's I think he's basically Has the gross national product Of like a fairly well -to -do country now You know like he's it's everywhere He's in every commercial He's in every single commercial And they just switch out what he's holding.

[676] He doesn't even know.

[677] They take out one credit card and they put a different one in.

[678] But he has such a positive energy and I get, I always get energized when I'm around him.

[679] Yeah.

[680] Because it's coming from a good place.

[681] He just, this is what he loves.

[682] And that's what's so great.

[683] I think that a lot of people too, like Kevin literally is one of those people like you go, you know, he's the same person as when you kind of knew him back when.

[684] Yep.

[685] You know, even though he's like extremely successful.

[686] and really rich.

[687] He really is very approachable and regular dude.

[688] And he'll go right into, wait, what did you say?

[689] That's bullshit.

[690] Like, he's right there and connected.

[691] Yeah.

[692] He starts giving me shit about like what I'm wearing immediately in this very friendly in touch way.

[693] Whereas we all know people that have hit it and then something happens.

[694] It's like they go behind a bubble forms around them.

[695] Oh, yeah.

[696] Yeah.

[697] I mean, it seems to be less of that.

[698] I guess probably nowadays with, you know, with social media, the opportunity where people kind of know you a little bit more.

[699] But I think you're right.

[700] I think that it used to be being a star meant you had to be a little more reclusive.

[701] You had to give off this persona of I'm kind of other than, you know, I'm a little bit more than the average person.

[702] But now I think, you know, if you do that to somebody, you know, like at a damn Starbucks, then, you know, you big time them.

[703] Then, you know, They can light you up all day on, you know, and next, you know, it just starts a wave.

[704] You're like, no, I just didn't see you, you know, I had my sunglasses on or whatever, but, you know, I think you got to, you got to protect yourself as a human being.

[705] Like, you know, I was always one when my kids were little and I was a stickler for, you know, like making sure that people understood I was with my children.

[706] Like, I try to get at some, get at some merit, guys.

[707] Like, it's not that I don't want to take pictures with you or, you know, but, you know, I'm with my.

[708] my little kids, right?

[709] I find that mostly people respect that for the most part.

[710] And if they don't, that's telling you something about that.

[711] It's about them, right?

[712] Exactly.

[713] You're the target.

[714] So that's the hard thing, you know, until I turn the target on you.

[715] Jesus, what happened?

[716] Yeah.

[717] You totally switched.

[718] You are right?

[719] You're off your meds?

[720] Yeah.

[721] You know, I'm curious about something because you've done clearly, you love getting out in front of a crowd and doing stand -up, but you've also had this success with the neighborhood, which is now, going into its sixth, I think it's sixth season now, which is, you think about it, for a television show sitcom to go six seasons and be chugging along and doing well, that's an achievement.

[722] How do you feel about that process, the process of, okay, we're going to work on it for a week and then we're going to shoot it, which is very different, very different from, I'm going to get up on stage, this is all me 100%.

[723] I've sometimes found I just love to be me. And then if I'm in a situation where they say, okay, we're going to change it so that you have to behave yourself, enter and hit your mark.

[724] I realize, oh, I'm a chimp.

[725] I'm a chimp on some kind of cocaine.

[726] I'm not supposed to do that.

[727] Yeah, you know what?

[728] I mean, it's something that, you know, it was definitely a part of my kind of like trajectory.

[729] Like so, you know, like coming up when I did it, that was the goal was to get a sitcom.

[730] So I got, you know, I was able to be on a Steve Harvey show pretty young in my career.

[731] and then, you know, was able to do a lot of television afterwards.

[732] So I actually loved that process, you know, and getting to, like, a show like the neighborhood, like being on a major network and having a great cast.

[733] Like, that's the other thing.

[734] Like, everybody's, like, super pros.

[735] They came from other shows to Sheena and Max and Beth and even the two young sons, Sheehan and Marcel.

[736] These are all like...

[737] And Max is, I have to say Max is an off -the -charts performer.

[738] Yeah.

[739] I mean, I used to see him on New Girl, and he's just...

[740] He's just brilliant.

[741] Yeah, yeah.

[742] And he's a kind person and funny and easy going and just keeps life simple.

[743] That's what's really so, so wonderful.

[744] So we actually operate in that space.

[745] So, you know, to be able to take a script and then, you know, shape it and tell the story of these, these two neighbors getting to know each other and becoming friends and what happens, it's been, it's been a blessing, man. So I really appreciate that, you know, the show works, you know, that people tune in.

[746] week and that in that we get to do it uh and that the network is behind it like they push for it so you know i'm ready to get back to work so soon as the strike over i also it's also uh it's about something you know it's about something that we need to keep talking about and i don't mean it's to find comedy in it i think is much more powerful than lecturing people or trying to have a you know it's talking about uh you know people of different races living in the same neighborhood and how are they how is it all being worked out and what are the issues and without being preachy just being funny yeah yeah that's that's the that's the truth man because i think that's when the show first you know when it first came to me that was kind of like the the idea and you know we were we would we definitely went through a phase where this idea of race separation and sexuality you know who you know people felt like they had to draw these hard lines in the sand if you you were this or you or that.

[747] And it was like, no, people are humans.

[748] And like, what if that person was your neighbor?

[749] You would have a totally different feeling about some, in which we do.

[750] Usually, you know, when it comes to sexuality or if somebody, your friend and you work with them every day or you live next to them or they married into your family somehow.

[751] You don't look at them as some big group of people.

[752] You look at that person.

[753] You already know.

[754] If you're sharing space with them, if you're breaking bread with them, if you're asking them, can I use your garden hose because mine's split, it's going to.

[755] then suddenly everything is quite different.

[756] Exactly.

[757] And I think that, you know, a lot of times we kind of like get put in these like these barrels of groups and people feel like they have to define themselves by the group, you know.

[758] And I think that's the idea to show is to show like the humanity and the people.

[759] And then, you know, of course we think we have group think, but then we kind of, we all are these individuals and inside that is where the relationships are.

[760] And so let's build from there, you know.

[761] So I think that that's really been the fun part of the show, some of the things that we try to attack.

[762] You know, we're both, you know, we're both married on the show.

[763] We both have kids.

[764] We're homeowners.

[765] You know, we're trying to figure it out.

[766] His wife is more the breadwinner.

[767] So he's got that kind of, you know, thing that we have to kind of figure out, like, what's that story we're telling there, you know, and how life has changed.

[768] Where, you know, it used to be one way.

[769] And now, you know, your wife can be the breadwinner in the family.

[770] does that make you less of a man like these kind of things and so we have a we we have those kind of things that we've been able to have fun with like you say and not be preachy about it just tell tell a good funny story and then be like all right that that was worthy so let's talk about because this is you've been talking a little bit about how you make these jumps because you clearly like to try things you like to you know expand uh your you know your abilities and say like okay, what can I try now?

[771] You write a book, fiction.

[772] Yeah.

[773] And what's cool about it is it's not at all what I expected because I don't even know what I expected, but first of all, I think, okay, it's going to be your life story.

[774] No, it's not.

[775] It's a book of fiction.

[776] And then I think, okay, it'll be about a comedian who, nope, nothing like that.

[777] It's incredible flipping boxcars and it takes place in 1948.

[778] Yeah.

[779] And it really feels like you know this world.

[780] You really know these people.

[781] And the language, I mean, the terminology you're using.

[782] Because I love 1940s, 1930s slang.

[783] I just love it.

[784] And I love to use it.

[785] I love people not to know what I'm talking about.

[786] But in this one, people are really using what sounds like very legitimate, real language.

[787] Tell us a little bit about the story.

[788] Yeah, so this is the story about loosely based on my grandfather, who I'd never met.

[789] But, you know, I would hear these stories from my mother and my uncles and relatives.

[790] And my grandfather passed before I was even born.

[791] Yet, you know, as I started to like kind of come on my own rise, I would actually get these, I would call him machinations, but be like daydreams of him, like very vividly, you know, doing things.

[792] Like, I could see the suit he had on and what he would say in a certain situation.

[793] And so, you know, I would just jot them down sometimes.

[794] And so that really became the basis of this book because some of these stories are based off real things.

[795] And then what I decided to do was create a fictional tale around the 4th of July in 1948 of him on this caper to try to make it, you know.

[796] And it takes place in your - In Caruthersville, Missouri, in your hometown.

[797] Real town where I grew up.

[798] This is after World War II.

[799] And it's, and the central character is Babe Boyce.

[800] That was my grandfather's, the real name.

[801] That's what they called me. His name was Floyd Boyce, but everybody called him Babe.

[802] And he was known as Babe Boyce, and he was like a famous gambler.

[803] And this was like dice, but, you know, it would be liken to the way we know poker players today, like famous poker players.

[804] Right.

[805] But back then, if you threw dice, you were known.

[806] And he was one of those guys.

[807] He was a businessman.

[808] He was a bit of a gangster.

[809] He was a civic man for the like the black side of town.

[810] You would go to him and he would, you know, he would knew how to get people's gas turned on and, you know, get a fire truck over to the city side of the town.

[811] Like he was just a mover and a shaker like that.

[812] These were real stories that I would hear about.

[813] And then I just kind of told it as this fictional tale.

[814] So that's funny because it revolves around this.

[815] of July celebration and you talk about all these things that really that you've seen there was like a greased pole that people were trying to climb yeah and I'm thinking like this didn't happen in Brooklyn Massachusetts yeah I don't think this is true it didn't happen in my neighborhood yeah those were the kind of you know those are the kind of carnival fair carnival games you know but the grease pole like you would slide up a grease pole and you would win and it was like one guy that was the hero like in his family is kind of legendary down there to agnews and so that you know this guy was always could win like he could climb up this pole faster than anybody but we a greased pole a real contest that was his claim to thing hey come on somebody had to be the guy you know he had a big banner out front of his home home of yes exactly the agnew grease pole champion you know you ride past when he would walk into the when he would walk into the bar the piano player would stop.

[816] Everything would freeze.

[817] Like, watch it.

[818] It's greasy pole Johnson.

[819] So I love this.

[820] There's a glossary of terms in the book.

[821] And my favorite one is the term for a blow heart or a braggart, a guy who talks a lot, is a gumbeater.

[822] And I thought, oh, I'm a gumbeater.

[823] I'm a guy who I don't have any other skill.

[824] I really don't think I have any skill other than I'm a gumbeater.

[825] I come in here and I just flap these gums and I keep going until I hit something.

[826] and then people go, here's your cookie and they kick me out of here.

[827] Yeah, man. And you can bring it back.

[828] And I think once people know you as a gumbeater, Conan, you can embrace it, you know?

[829] Like you can be the head of the association, you know?

[830] All right, everybody, quiet down.

[831] Saddle down, everybody's beating their gums.

[832] Everybody's beating their gums.

[833] Hey, come on.

[834] I know you're all very good at this, but come on.

[835] We've had nine meetings of gum beaters and we haven't agreed on anything.

[836] I haven't got a worded ass like All the gumbeaters are just fucking You know what I love I love this one To take a nap is to collar a nod Isn't that great?

[837] I'm gonna go collar a nod I don't get it What you mean?

[838] I'm gonna go collar a nod grab a nod not a nod not off Okay, okay I get it now I'm sorry I'd You gotta get outside more Yeah You gotta hang with me and Cedron We know what's going on out there All these new generations They don't know shit Call or a nod.

[839] You gotta do it.

[840] Jelly or jelly roll is sex, I knew that.

[841] Come on.

[842] Come on, everybody.

[843] Yeah.

[844] That's back, that's back vogue.

[845] Bones or dice.

[846] Hey, I need some jelly roll tonight.

[847] I've been beating my gums all day.

[848] Oh, wow.

[849] And then I call it a nod, and now I'm ready for some jelly roll.

[850] Okay, wait a minute.

[851] This isn't good?

[852] Yeah, that's crossed the line.

[853] I crossed the line.

[854] I crossed the line.

[855] I said I was beaten.

[856] my gum and beating my gum.

[857] And now I'm ready for some jelly roll.

[858] Okay, I think I did this wrong.

[859] Cedric, why did you give me these terms?

[860] Why did you write this book?

[861] You've ruined my life.

[862] That made me laugh so hard.

[863] That's funny.

[864] A stroker.

[865] I love this.

[866] Is a player who makes overly complicated bets and causes dealers to work harder unnecessarily, usually pissing them off.

[867] That is so specific.

[868] Yeah, that's like, you know, this is the guy that's like, you know, give me four on the heart.

[869] but take the two down, move that time, move that, move that nickel to the two.

[870] Take this two.

[871] I'm going to take the, I'm going to take the yo on the come out, but I'm going to move this to the pass line.

[872] You're like, I've seen this too.

[873] You have, yeah, in Vegas.

[874] You're like, yo, that's a lot, bro.

[875] Like, I don't even know what's going on right now.

[876] Like, you know, so.

[877] And also, the poor dealer just burned more calories and wasted more time for these guys nickel, you know, whatever.

[878] It's ridiculous.

[879] Yeah, and then he's going to lose it all on one stroke.

[880] and just curse everyone out after that.

[881] Well, I love, I just, I think it's very cool that you've written this.

[882] And it's, and then it's a caper.

[883] It's a real story because main character, I won't give, I don't want to give way too much, but he gets in some trouble and he needs to come up with a lot of money or he's in real trouble.

[884] And then that's where the fun begins.

[885] Yeah, exactly.

[886] And I wanted, I love that.

[887] You know, I was really inspired by the Walter Mosley books, those like devil in a blue dress and, you know, that, that character.

[888] right there, the Fearless Jones.

[889] He has a couple of characters that I love that kind of writing that, you know, that film, 40s film noir energy.

[890] And, you know, it's just like a regular guy doing something.

[891] And out of nowhere, he's in the middle of something super crazy.

[892] And that's what we did here.

[893] So, you know, he's got a regular life that he does that, that is, you know, in between the lines of good and bad, like being a good dude.

[894] And he makes a choice that puts him in deep.

[895] And now he has to kind of like, again, like he's always been pretty much lucky as a gambler.

[896] He has to fight itself out of it.

[897] And so the caper just digs them in a hole.

[898] And it's so much fun.

[899] And we, you know, I just had a good time weaving the story.

[900] Yeah.

[901] How long did it take you to do this?

[902] It was over a year.

[903] It took a while, you know, you know, because, you know, I had a great co -writer, you know, who, you know, helped me kind of like take my ideas and then formulate this thing.

[904] So Alan Eisenstock, great dude.

[905] And we kind of like locked in with each other.

[906] And that's when it became, you know, it became just this fun idea.

[907] We just took our time and made sure we did exactly what we wanted to do.

[908] Like I had it in my head.

[909] But, you know, of course, you know, the formula of writing a novel.

[910] I'm not a novelist.

[911] So, you know, but I think of stories very vividly.

[912] So that's how that's so we just took our time and killed it.

[913] Rule number one is always right, what you know.

[914] and you know Carruthersville, Missouri, and you know this Fourth of July weekend and you really know these people.

[915] So that's that you, you knocked rule number one out of the park.

[916] You know, you didn't write a story about, it's Mars.

[917] The year is 3 ,75.

[918] Yeah.

[919] Yeah, no space.

[920] Yeah, no space odyssey.

[921] Yeah, I wouldn't know what to do it.

[922] Yeah, same character.

[923] Cambling.

[924] Yeah.

[925] Welcome to Marlon.

[926] Yeah, hi.

[927] You got any jelly roll around here?

[928] Gump flapper, you.

[929] You are making us uncomfortable with your crude references to sex.

[930] Well, the book is, the novel is flipping boxcars.

[931] And I have to say, I was just delighted that you could come in.

[932] You are such a funny guy and always, always killing me. and just such a great force.

[933] You are a force.

[934] Yeah, man, same thing, man. Always fun to be around you many years, you know, back in New York days.

[935] And then when you came out here, you know, just so, so just always fun to be around you, man. You're a fun dude.

[936] And, you know, like I say, I think that that really works.

[937] So it's weird that you don't have a lot of friends, Conan.

[938] It's really, yeah.

[939] Cedric, if you hung out a bit, you see.

[940] I can hold it together for an hour.

[941] But no one in this room is questioning why I don't have a lot of friends.

[942] Didn't it just get quiet.

[943] It just gets real quiet.

[944] Everybody's shit around like, hmm, yeah.

[945] Well, I'm going to go.

[946] You know what's a bad sign.

[947] In the middle of a podcast.

[948] You know what's a bad sign?

[949] When people who work for me leave the, just start to walk away during the podcast.

[950] What happened, Conan?

[951] Where did they all go?

[952] Yeah.

[953] Yeah, kind of ran out of cast there.

[954] No, hey, man, definitely.

[955] All right.

[956] And just work me into a cameo on your show.

[957] Whenever, when this strike is over, I'll come back.

[958] Because you've dealt with.

[959] you know white people but you haven't dealt with a really white guy like a guy like go there super white yeah like so white that white people would be like what is going on is he okay yeah like what's happening yeah was it we actually I actually went we're gonna have to move we were shooting in Haiti and all these all these kids gathered around me and they were touching my arms in Haiti and remember and they were like looking at the the freckles on my arms.

[960] And then one man was just staring at me. And I said, what are you looking at?

[961] And he said, I want to know if you are well.

[962] He thought I was sick.

[963] Like, I'm not sick.

[964] I guess I am.

[965] I guess I'm kind of sick.

[966] Anyway, Cedric, thank you so much for stopping by.

[967] You bring joy wherever you go.

[968] And I'm excited for your book.

[969] Yeah, thank you, man. Pre -ordery, go to, you know, go and get it now.

[970] Flipping box cars, check it out.

[971] Check it out, man. All right, definitely, brother.

[972] It's been a while, but you remember we used to listen to voicemails from people that would call in and we'd answer their questions?

[973] Yes, back in olden times.

[974] Yeah, well, we don't have any today.

[975] And that's kind of what we're going to talk about.

[976] Okay.

[977] Our system for collecting voicemails has failed us.

[978] What?

[979] And now we have a brand new phone number.

[980] Wait, I have a, first of all, yeah.

[981] How long has this been going on for and why wasn't I made aware?

[982] It's been going on for a while.

[983] What kind of shitty organization do we have here?

[984] Oh, a shitty one.

[985] Okay.

[986] Oh, of the shitty ones, this is the shittiest.

[987] I'm just curious, have people been trying to leave messages and they couldn't?

[988] I believe they either couldn't or we couldn't retrieve them because it had something to do with us leaving an old network that we used to belong to and, you know, company, changing companies.

[989] Is it possible that people have been leaving messages out there for us?

[990] and we haven't been getting them?

[991] It's possible.

[992] That's terrible.

[993] In fact, I'd say it's likely.

[994] That's awful.

[995] I feel badly.

[996] What if people were really needing us or needing our help?

[997] The number just got disconnected.

[998] People have not been leaving messages that we haven't retrieved.

[999] You're killing the drama.

[1000] Oh, this is drama?

[1001] I'm going to shut up.

[1002] No, no, Blay, I'm glad.

[1003] No, no, cut this part.

[1004] No, no, don't cut it.

[1005] It's supposed to be dramatic.

[1006] No, don't cut it.

[1007] That's actually good information for me to have because it would kill me if people were leaving us messages.

[1008] I have a need to please.

[1009] Blay, I'm glad you grabbed the mic in your Hawaiian shirt and told us.

[1010] It's got flowers on it.

[1011] And not every flowered shirt is a Hawaiian shirt.

[1012] He's right.

[1013] Thank you.

[1014] No, sorry, Jerry Garcia.

[1015] I didn't.

[1016] Maybe it isn't a Hawaiian shirt.

[1017] But no, sorry, just, I don't mean to kill the time.

[1018] I hope you can get the band back together.

[1019] You guys were really grooving there for a while.

[1020] I am glad.

[1021] And stop telling us what we can cut and can't cut.

[1022] We're going to leave us all in.

[1023] People need to know what a stumble bum you are.

[1024] I'm sorry.

[1025] Anyway, don't worry.

[1026] No messages were left that you don't know about.

[1027] It just, the numbers It failed a long time ago when no one did anything about it.

[1028] I mean, there are messages that the listeners don't know about because I would say one out of every 50 ,000 is usable.

[1029] Oh.

[1030] Yeah.

[1031] That's a terrible thing to say.

[1032] Why?

[1033] Well, they're just sometimes raving lunacy on there.

[1034] And I'm not even joking.

[1035] Well, wait a minute.

[1036] Maybe my father's in trouble.

[1037] But maybe we should talk about some tips for the listener because we have a new phone number.

[1038] Oh, we've got a new number.

[1039] That if you want to get your voicemail on the podcast, here are some tips.

[1040] Yes, yes.

[1041] We can talk about how.

[1042] We have tips?

[1043] Well, I could think of a few.

[1044] Okay.

[1045] First of all, should we read the number and then we'll read it again.

[1046] Yes, I'll read the number.

[1047] If you want to contact us or if you're a raving lunatic that wants to scream into the void, call 669 -587.

[1048] 2847.

[1049] That number again, 669, 587, 287, 2847.

[1050] Okay, keep it concise, keep it friendly, keep it fun.

[1051] Those are my tips.

[1052] You know what?

[1053] I'm going to guess that anyone who was calling and leaving angry and sane messages, I think your tip's probably going to change their mind.

[1054] Oh, goarly, I see.

[1055] And you don't want me to come and yell into the phone anymore.

[1056] about the spaceman and the dragon in my ass I best not call that number then I'll try it again Hello How are you?

[1057] I'm an Ares Curious what sign you guys are Your little tips will do no good I thought we could also Because Sona's going to leave the outgoing message Oh I am?

[1058] We can just do that right now And listeners can hear it And then we'll take that and we'll use it Yeah let's use it Uh Sona 5 4 3 2 Hey, you, you called us and this is, why are you giving me the phone number?

[1059] So you can say it.

[1060] But they called the number to get to the voicemail.

[1061] Right.

[1062] You're just congratulating them that they got it right.

[1063] Hi, you called this number and you heard a dial tone, not a dial, you heard the beep, and then you're leaving a message.

[1064] Keep it concise.

[1065] Keep it concise.

[1066] I'm friendly.

[1067] And friendly.

[1068] Say your name.

[1069] Say your name.

[1070] Hey, you might hear your message on the podcast.

[1071] And we will get back to you as soon as we can.

[1072] No, we're not going to get back to them.

[1073] Are we going to get back to them?

[1074] This is the worst outgoing message I've ever heard.

[1075] I think the worst outgoing message in the history of the world.

[1076] You know, when you tell me to do something like this, it gets me very nervous.

[1077] I forgot Sona's personal little quirk is that if you give her a task, she's terrible.

[1078] Thank you for calling.

[1079] All right.

[1080] Well, listen, reach out to us.

[1081] 669 -587 -2847.

[1082] That number again, 669, 587, 2847.

[1083] Leave us a concise message.

[1084] We'll get back to you.

[1085] Or we won't get back to you, but we might reach out to you through the Pada sphere.

[1086] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[1087] With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gourley.

[1088] Produced by me, Matt Gourley.

[1089] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Nick Liao, and Jeff Ross, at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf.

[1090] Theme song by The White Stripes.

[1091] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[1092] Take it away, Jimmy.

[1093] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[1094] Engineering by Eduardo Perez.

[1095] Additional production support by Mars Melnik.

[1096] Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn.

[1097] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode.

[1098] Got a question for Conan?

[1099] call the Team Coco hotline at 669 -587 -2847 and leave a message.

[1100] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[1101] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.