The Key to Compliance: Being Tough While Building Trust

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[24] Hey, everybody.

[25] This is Kirk Martin, founder, Celebrate Calm.

[26] Welcome to the podcast.

[27] We're coming to you live from somewhere near Dulles International Airport.

[28] We're in northern Virginia speaking all week.

[29] So come on out.

[30] All the events are free, open to the public.

[31] And it's cool.

[32] We get to head to Kansas City soon.

[33] We're going to be in Springdale, Arkansas, in Texas.

[34] And by the way, we have one open date.

[35] This is really cool.

[36] If you're in near Dallas, maybe Houston, we could come further south too.

[37] or Oklahoma City, somewhere in Oklahoma.

[38] We'd love to come to your church or school on Saturday, October 19th.

[39] We've got an open date, and these events are really cool, and then we can come and meet you in person unless you don't want to meet us, but we come to your school anyway, or church.

[40] So reach out to my son Casey, K -C -A -S -E -Y at CelebrateCom .com, and just tell them the name of your school, church, whatever, and we'll try to put this together.

[41] We can help a lot of people and have a lot of fun.

[42] So here's what I wanted to talk about today.

[43] So, and forgive me if my voice is a little bit raspy, you've been talking a lot to people and using up on my man words.

[44] So my voice is a little bit raspy, but I wanted to hit, the overall theme is on changing a child's behavior, but I want to hit it from a number of different aspects.

[45] One is based on a phone call I had with some parents, and they wanted me to comment on a contract they were developing with their teenage son over driving.

[46] Right?

[47] They want a contract.

[48] Another one is about a school issue of a teacher who keeps giving this child detention.

[49] And is there a better way to do that.

[50] And then the other one is about a child who gets really upset.

[51] How do you calm that down?

[52] But this child calls his mother the B word.

[53] So what do you do with that?

[54] Because what do we do?

[55] Just say like, oh, I love how you express your emotions, honey.

[56] No, we're not going to do that.

[57] So I want to hit this from a number of different angles.

[58] angles.

[59] And the overall theme of this is this, that relationships are what change behavior.

[60] Relationships change behavior.

[61] It's not rules.

[62] It's not policies.

[63] Right.

[64] Like even public policy of like we're going to change behavior.

[65] It doesn't really work long term.

[66] You have to change the relationship.

[67] And once the relationship has changed, you change behavior.

[68] We use this phrase in our curriculum you'll hear it if you listen to the CDs of like you have to connect before you get compliance right so look you've got every right to barge into your child's room and just say hey you need to do X Y and C right now nothing wrong with that you have the right to do that but I guarantee you if your boss barges into your cubicle or office and throws down some work and says you need to get this work done you're not going to be like of course boss I love working for you thank you so much for showing that you trust me by giving me more work.

[69] That's not what your attitude is.

[70] You'll do it because you need the paycheck, but wouldn't it be nicer if your boss walked in and for 15 seconds said, hey, appreciate how hard you've been working.

[71] Hey, you did a good job on that last project.

[72] Listen, I could use your help.

[73] My boss is asking for some, you know, some work to be done and I could use your help.

[74] Would you mind hopping on this after you get done with your other work?

[75] In that case, he will have connected with you or even better yet if he thanks you for your work and comes in and asks how your child is doing or how things are going even if he doesn't care and he fakes it still he showed some interest you're more likely to have a compliant helpful attitude right that makes sense and so i learned with my son i just go into his room sometimes and i'd sit right because usually what we do is we come in we stand in the doorway because we're so busy and we just start barking orders.

[76] And then when we don't get the response that we want and that we expect, we take it personally, we get upset, and then we start barking other orders and notice all the other things they haven't done right.

[77] And I can't believe that you would do this after all I do for you when I was a kid, all that trauma, and we just created all of that.

[78] And that's not really your child's issue.

[79] That's your issue.

[80] True, right?

[81] Just own that.

[82] And so I would walk into my son's room and I would sit and I'd sit for 15 or 20 seconds that's all maybe 30 seconds and I'd ask him about something he was interested in at the time something he was curious about and I'd say it's kind of cool listen Casey here are my expectations here's what I want done and here's the time limit and then I'd walk out of the room but I had connected first and I found that I got much better compliance that way So I want to go through this.

[83] The way I've kind of structured my, I've got kind of some rough notes here.

[84] And if I'm all over the place, just forgive me for that if you don't mind.

[85] So I wanted to take it from the point of view of a mom, of a dad, of a teacher, and a child.

[86] And what are all the responsibilities, right?

[87] And these can overlap in different ways, but it's a helpful construct for me looking at this.

[88] So let's take overall, let's take this.

[89] whole idea of the parents who wanted me and did a phone consultation, like, well, what do you think about doing this contract with our teenager?

[90] And after I'd heard their story, here's what I said, I'm not commenting on your contract.

[91] You know why?

[92] Because your contract's not going to work.

[93] Because, and here's why, I like clear expectations.

[94] You have to have very, very clear expectations with discipline and with driving expectation of what's going to happen.

[95] But I'm not doing a contract in this case.

[96] You know why?

[97] Because the dad and the son, don't have a good relationship and all that's going to happen I can guarantee is they'll sign this contract but it will be a contract between two hostile parties who have underlying resentment toward each other and what's going to happen is the child is going to live up to the letter of the contract the letter of the law because these kids are very good at doing that but his attitude may not be good and the dad's going to be like well he didn't really have a good attitude and he just came home at the last minute and the son's going to be but you said if i come right and it's going to it's just going to devolve because you have two hostile parties you know what else is going to happen mom who has spent her entire life as a go between between the strong -willed son and to be quite honest the strong -willed dad right is going to continue and now she's going to continue to be the judge and the intermediary who has to continue to be burdened by this, right?

[98] Her adrenals are running down, right, because it's always stress over like, oh, my husband's upset at the son.

[99] The son comes to me about what his dad said to him, and she's trying to manage the emotions of both her son and her husband, which is unfair to the mother.

[100] By the way, in this case, the mother has a part to play in this because she needs to step up and be firm and show some, demonstrate self -respect and saying, you're a grown boy, you're a grown man, I expect you two to work this out.

[101] But I am not doing this anymore.

[102] I am not going to play the referee in between you two, not my job anymore.

[103] See, for, I want to start with moms, that self -respect is a really important thing to learn.

[104] It's very, very difficult.

[105] but I don't want you getting run over.

[106] I want you to be tough and firm, but not angry.

[107] So when that child, in the one case, the child got upset and called his mother the B word, right?

[108] Now, I'm not going to be like, honey, I can tell you're really upset.

[109] I do know that it comes from the child being upset.

[110] But look, there are two parts to this.

[111] One is realizing the situation is this child is a really frustrated child, not of frustration, calls his mother a bad name.

[112] So we can deal with that, right?

[113] can deal with that and I know when the child starts saying that something deeps going on and I need to connect with that child and be curious and find out what's going on.

[114] But I'm not letting them get away with it because we talk in our curriculum.

[115] We listen to the discipline CDs.

[116] We do all kinds of nice discipline to getting kids to listen the first time.

[117] We do stuff on giving kids tools to succeed so they don't fail in the first place.

[118] But we also talk about there are times when you have to declare martial law and say, there are lines that when that line is crossed, everything's gone.

[119] I used to tell kids when they came to my house to these camps, I was like, look, I'm a nice guy.

[120] I'm really patient.

[121] I know some of you guys, you have some stuff going on and you get really emotional upset.

[122] I'll help you work through that.

[123] But there are certain things.

[124] You don't cross that line.

[125] You cross that line.

[126] Here's what's happening.

[127] I'm going to put you in striped pants and striped shirt, and we're going to go out and walk alongside the highway and pick up trash.

[128] I don't care.

[129] I don't care if you're not happy.

[130] You can be mad at me and angry at me all you want.

[131] I don't need you to be happy, but I want you to know there are certain lines in my home that you do not cross.

[132] And you cross them at your peril because I'm not playing games here.

[133] Certain names, the language you are not using in my home.

[134] Look, there's nothing wrong with that.

[135] I don't want people to think, oh, being calm means we're always just like this.

[136] it's not at all.

[137] It just means I'm not angry.

[138] I'm not like, you know what?

[139] You call me that name again.

[140] You're never going to do.

[141] And then I don't go off and start saying like, you know what?

[142] You're just a rebellious, disrespectful young man. How are you ever going to be successful life?

[143] See, I'm not going there.

[144] I didn't do that.

[145] What I want them to know is, don't mess with me. And I did that with my son occasionally.

[146] Now my son's 26.

[147] We travel together, work together.

[148] So it's a little bit different, but he's still my son.

[149] And there were, occasions where I have to reset.

[150] I have to reset and say, I think you're confusing.

[151] I think you're confusing right now how the hierarchy works in this family.

[152] Right.

[153] I'm still your father.

[154] And some things, you just don't go there.

[155] Right.

[156] And that's all I have to say, because that tone of voice does it?

[157] But does that make sense?

[158] But it's not getting angry.

[159] It's not getting upset.

[160] It's not losing it.

[161] In fact, look, your kids will listen to you more if you stay in control of yourself.

[162] And so this mom, I want her to use intensity.

[163] I want her to step outside of herself.

[164] And I want to let her to let her son or daughter know, you're never going to talk to me like that.

[165] In fact, in this case, I can guarantee what it was, this divorced couple.

[166] And I guarantee that child had heard the mom's, her dad, had heard her dad.

[167] Had heard her dad.

[168] speak disrespectfully to the mom, which is one reason they're divorced now.

[169] And I have no problem at all as your kids get older saying, listen, I know you heard your father talk to me disrespectfully, but that pattern stops right now.

[170] I have enough self -respect.

[171] I do not allow anyone in my life to talk to me like that.

[172] See, that's self -respect.

[173] And that's a very, that's a very firm, confident tone that your kids will respect.

[174] But if you're too nice and too sweet of honey, you know, that really hurts my feelings when you say that.

[175] And that's not an appropriate thing.

[176] See, kids don't respect that.

[177] That sounds like weakness to them.

[178] So I want you to learn how to be firm.

[179] I want you if you have, look, if you have the straight talk for stressed out mom CDs, listen to them because I demonstrate this language and that tone of voice.

[180] And it's really, really important for you to learn moms how to do that.

[181] Now for the child who's really upset, I like to use the intensity.

[182] And I've mentioned this before, but I have lots of kids who love physical stuff, right?

[183] They love digging it and mulch.

[184] Now, I have kids who love hanging from things.

[185] And when kids are really upset, I'll give them some jobs to do.

[186] And I have things set up in my home for that.

[187] I think I've mentioned before.

[188] In our home, I had a one -word code word, because I had all kinds of volatile kids in my home and I'd disappoint them on purpose because I wanted them to get upset so that I could teach them how to calm their emotions and I had a one word code word and I'd say heck tell you're frustrated man sofa and their job was to go in the living room throw the cushions off my sofa lie down on the hard part of the sofa because they'd like that because the physical pressure feels good I would go and put the cushions on top of them then I'd sit down right on top of the cushions on top of the child and they were instantly calm.

[189] And you know it was really cool.

[190] I was now connected to that child.

[191] I wasn't looking them in the eyes.

[192] And now I could go through and talk to them and show them a different way to deal with their frustration.

[193] But I wasn't giving in to them being disrespectful.

[194] I was teaching them how to calm themselves down.

[195] I hope that makes sense.

[196] So dads, a couple things.

[197] And this is more related to this contract thing.

[198] This is a dad who has hasn't had a great relationship with his son, and I know why this is for many of you, it's because you have a strong -willed son or daughter, and you take everything they do as a sign of disrespect, and it's not always a sign of disrespect, and even if it is, you can't react to it.

[199] Some of it is you don't like your child because they're not living up to your expectations, and the truth is your expectations are probably off, and you need to change your expectations, and you need to release them from the expectation that they're supposed to be just like you.

[200] This is a common thing when I work with dads.

[201] Well, I know the best way to do it.

[202] He needs to just do it the way I do it.

[203] I'm like, I totally get that.

[204] I'm a dad.

[205] I think the same thing.

[206] But you have a child who is different from you and he doesn't want to do it your way.

[207] And in the end, that's a really good thing.

[208] Because all of us want kids who grow up to be responsible and who grow up to be responsible for themselves and part of the reason they're kicking against you is because they want to be responsible for themselves but they want to do it their way and they want to do it their way because it's more interesting and they have brains and because they like to touch the hot stove because that's the way they learn best and i know you're thinking but if you did it my way it wouldn't be this difficult well this isn't about you this is about them why not allow them to do it the difficult way why not allow them to touch the hot stove it's good for them and i guarantee most of the dads who are listening that's the way you learn best you're a stove toucher how many times do you have to be told something before you learn it right it's when you finally make that that big big stupid decision that because we're men we all do that it's hardwired in us to do that right and so you're going to have to release that child from your expectations and this is a really deep thing and i know men get tired of me like stop pitching your products right well i'll stop pitching my products when they stop helping people and when you stop asking for a paycheck when you go to work right like i look i've got some tools and this i'll do it right now here's what we're going to do this week if you go to our website celebrate calm dot com go to the products page you're going to see this the first thing on a products page is this get everything we own it's like 11 or 12 cd sets everything we know about discipline and motivating kids and the strong -willed child and how to motivate kids, how to get kids to listen the first time, how to teach them how to do well in school, how to control yourselves.

[209] You get all of that.

[210] But here's what we're doing this week.

[211] It's beginning of October, and I know your kids are struggling in school.

[212] We're going to give away, excuse me, a bunch of free stuff.

[213] The no -b -s program.

[214] It's no -b -s -instruction manual strong -willed children.

[215] if you buy that entire package on that page right there buy everything we have all those CDs I'm going to give you the we're going to give you the no BS program free why I love that program that's 20 years of my experience thrown into that I promise it's going to save so many power struggles day after day after day of worry and power struggles I'm going to release you from that you're going to learn 25 action steps and one of those is going to be releasing your child from your expectations that your child is supposed to be like you because it's supposed to be like his siblings and like other people it is a huge huge step that you need to take if you buy the program we're also going to give you the celebrate ADHD program which is going to help your child in school and help you understand his brain and help teachers and it comes with a program that we use to train teachers that you can give to his teachers which is really cool and if you even ask for it case you'll throw in our marriage program for free.

[216] All that stuff is worth, I don't know, probably close to $1 ,000.

[217] And you're going to get it, though.

[218] You get all that stuff free.

[219] Just go to our product page and look for that, okay?

[220] And if you need help with it, do email or call Casey.

[221] Casey at celebrate calm .com 888 -506, 1871 will help you out with that, okay?

[222] And if you have some of our stuff, he can put together a custom package.

[223] But dads, you're going to have to do that releasing from expectations.

[224] Otherwise, here's what your kids are going to think.

[225] Nothing I ever do is good enough from my dad.

[226] All he ever does is come in and pick out what's wrong and what I'm not doing.

[227] Is that not true?

[228] That's what we do.

[229] And we do it as moms too, but I'm kind of doing the dad's thing right now.

[230] Right?

[231] And we get offended.

[232] We take everything as disrespect.

[233] And you've got to connect.

[234] And so these parents that I was talking about, the teenager with wanting to drive, if the son and dad don't learn how to connect together, they will continue to fight over everything no matter what.

[235] what the contract is that they sign.

[236] And it's going to take some humility on the part of the dad in order to say, you know what, I think I've been a little bit too tough on you.

[237] I think I've misjudged your motives.

[238] I think at times I've only focused on the negative instead of seeing what you did do right.

[239] And I apologize for that.

[240] I guarantee you if you take that kind of approach, you'll begin to rebuild your relationship with your child.

[241] And that's for moms and dads.

[242] And look, there's nothing, nothing, nothing more important than the connection, the relationship.

[243] When you humble yourself, you will lead your child to a place of humility, and he will want to please you and want to do things for you.

[244] But if you're just going to go with the letter of the law and the law, and that goes for all of my Christian and religious parents who always want to do things according to the law, right?

[245] It doesn't work.

[246] The law destroys.

[247] and it doesn't work.

[248] Connection, grace, humility, work with strong -will kids.

[249] It's just that you don't want to because there's such a pain in the butt and they're so defiant and difficult at times.

[250] Your natural instinct is, you're just going to do what I say or else.

[251] And you can do that, but they're just going to fight you their whole lives.

[252] Lead them to humility.

[253] Dad's a great way to connect with your kids is through their music.

[254] Here's the hard part.

[255] You're not going to like their music.

[256] Be interested in it anyway.

[257] Your dad didn't like your stupid music and you're not going to like yours.

[258] That's just the way the world works.

[259] So take an interest in it in their music and you'll begin and find ways to connect.

[260] By the way, I'd written this down.

[261] I don't know where it fits in.

[262] Stop buying your kids so much stuff.

[263] They're not looking for stuff.

[264] They want experiences.

[265] And what happened?

[266] Now, this came from that phone call.

[267] I picked up on, I'm like, hmm, they're buying their child an awful lot of stuff.

[268] Like, what's up with that?

[269] And you know what it hit me?

[270] The dad, because he doesn't know how to connect with his son, ends up buying him stuff.

[271] And then expects, because I spent so much money on you, you will now respect me. That's not respect.

[272] That's like buying the services of.

[273] you know what, and thinking that you're getting love in return.

[274] You're not.

[275] You just paid for it.

[276] That's not the same thing.

[277] And so I just encourage you.

[278] Single moms who are divorced fall into this a lot, and I understand why.

[279] So I'm not being mean at all.

[280] I'm just encouraging you.

[281] Don't buy stuff.

[282] Well, I feel so bad because we're divorced, and so they're not looking for stuff, and you're wasting your money.

[283] I'd rather use that money and buy our, programs because they can actually help you stop doing this stuff and enjoy your child again.

[284] Kind of kidding, but not really.

[285] I'm really not because people go email all the time like, oh, we've spent thousands on therapy and testing that didn't work.

[286] We don't have any more money.

[287] Can we have your stuff free?

[288] I'm like, you just wasted your money on other people.

[289] Like stop, but your kids, the truth is your kids don't want stuff.

[290] They want experiences with you and time with you.

[291] So do that.

[292] Final person as teachers, right?

[293] so the problem was uh this this kid and a teacher they're not getting along they're not getting along so the teacher and there's nothing wrong with this is like well if he continues to misbehave like that i'm going to have to keep giving him detention it's never going to change it's not going to change anything that child doesn't care about getting detention and it just becomes that endless cycle so i'm going to do the kid partners in a second but for the teachers know teachers give the child a project to do come up with a project you can work on based on a interest a gift a talent a skill that this student has so you're creating a success find a common interest and a way to connect with that child because once you connect with that difficult student you'll find and you take an interest in him or her you'll find that they're more willing to work for you now i flip this around so here's the kid's part.

[294] This kid wants, because you know what most of our kids are like, anybody that's negative or asked them to actually do anything, they don't like.

[295] And so this kid was like, well, like my teacher, she's mean, she's negative.

[296] And I was like, well, probably maybe, but part of it is you just don't want to do what authority figures want you to do, right?

[297] And it's like, well, kind of.

[298] I was like, well, what do you know about the teacher?

[299] And he said, well, she's got a son.

[300] I was like, okay, so tell me about the son.

[301] Well, her son has special needs.

[302] on the spectrum.

[303] And I was like, okay, so what do you think that teacher's life is like when she goes home?

[304] Because she's with kids all day and then, you know, she's got a child with special needs.

[305] Do you think that's a little bit stressful?

[306] And the kid's like, well, I guess so.

[307] So I said, what else do you know about this kid?

[308] And she said, well, teacher said her son really likes trains.

[309] And I said, so what do you think would happen if tonight you went home and you got your Legos out and you build a couple little trains or build it out of clay or whatever you like to do and you build a couple trains and brought it in for the teacher to give to her son.

[310] What do you think would happen?

[311] So you know what happened?

[312] This kid did that.

[313] You know why?

[314] Because our kids do have big hearts.

[315] And when you stop focusing on the law and the rules and the consequences all the time and you get to the heart of the matter, this kid ended up bringing in a train and said, hey, see, this almost makes me cry.

[316] Because I remember the situation.

[317] You can feel it.

[318] And you hear this kid saying, hey, Mrs. Teacher, I thought that your son might like this.

[319] You don't think that melted that teacher's heart, and now the connection that was there changed their relationship.

[320] Now, here's the cool thing and the interesting thing.

[321] Does it mean that this student is going to be interested in that subject matter?

[322] No. I can't guarantee that because it might not, it wasn't a class that he just naturally liked.

[323] but will that student work harder for that teacher now?

[324] Yes.

[325] Will that teacher be more patient and understanding of that student when he's struggling?

[326] Yes.

[327] Why?

[328] Is it because there's a threat of detention?

[329] Is it because there's a contract?

[330] No, it's because they have a relationship.

[331] And that's what I want for all this stuff.

[332] And the older I get, the more that hits home is that, it's the relationship changes everything and the hardest thing with a strong will child is the relationship because they're not easy kids but you're going to have to understand what's how their brains work there i guarantee you and i please if you have the uh the strong will child cd if you don't have it you have if you have a strong will child you don't have that you have to get that one let your kids listen to it because it will provoke all these awesome conversations because your child's going to listen and say like, that guy in his son are describing me, mom, dad, that's what it feels like.

[333] I'm not just being difficult on purpose, but it feels like I'm always swimming upstream and it feels like you guys are teaming up on me. This is what it feels like.

[334] And we also are pretty tough on the strong will kids on that and having them own their part too.

[335] That's part of Casey's straight talk for kids is to say, hey, if you want your parents, right, if you want your parents to stop controlling you, you need to learn how to control yourself, right?

[336] We're tough on kids, but you've got to understand them and you've got to have a deep understanding so that you can forge that connection, right?

[337] And then let me close with this, but it also means you have to be tough.

[338] And sometimes you have to declare martial law.

[339] And you have to say, we've got boundaries and we've got standards and those aren't going to be pushed.

[340] right and there's then i'll be patient understanding but at the end of the day don't mess with me because when i tell you something i mean it does that make sense you it's not either or it all works together so if you need help from us email casey at celebrate calm dot com go to our website at celebrate calm dot com look up at the products page it'll have that special deal where and you will literally get everything we have ever created to help you with a strong will child So you have a full library of everything to help you restore this relationship and get your kids to listen to you the first time and stop meltdowns, right, and teach you how to calm down and restore the relationship and help in school, all those things.

[341] Our phone number is 888 -506, 1871.

[342] We hope to see you on the road.

[343] If you are in Texas or Oklahoma and want us to come to your church or school on Saturday, October 19th, reach out to us.

[344] We'll make it happen and we'll meet you in person.

[345] Anyway, thanks for listening.

[346] and a parent.

[347] Thanks for listening.

[348] This means that, you know, you want a close relationship with your kids, and we really appreciate that.

[349] Thanks so much.

[350] Bye -bye.